Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-23

Episode Date: January 17, 2023

Bill rambles about Wild Card Weekend, 90's movies, and artificial intelligence comedy bits.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 16, 2023. What's going on? How are you? All right, I'm not going to lie to you. I threw up my fucking back getting a frozen waffle out of the freezer. I am laying on my side right now because it's the only way I can fucking talk right now. I feel like somebody's stabbing me in my kidney. You know, and you know what the sad thing is? I've been working out and I've been stretching. You know, I've been fucking trying to remain flexible at my advanced age. Oh, you fucking cunt. All right. I think if I lay here, this is going to be good. All right. I don't know how long this podcast is going to be. How are you?

Oh, god damn it. All right. Here we go. Okay. Oh, that's it. All right. I'm laying on this stupid ass fucking heating pad. Is there anything that does less when you throw it out your back than a fucking heating pad? It's like my nerves are inflamed. Let's put some heat on it. All right. Okay. All right. Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody. Martin Luther King Day, the day African Americans acknowledged one of the great leaders they've ever had and white people pretend they care and take a day off and go boogie boarding out and fucking Santa Monica in his memory. Dude, this is Martin Luther King would want us to be out here boogie boarding. Um, holy shit. Oh, this feels all right. Okay. We've adjusted.

But I'll tell you right now, no matter how bad my back feels right now, there's no way my back feels worse than the way San Diego Charger fans feel. Um, in defense of the San Diego Chargers organization, they've been asking for a new football stadium for years. All right. Down there in Qualcomm, three com, whatever the fuck it was called. And San Diego was like, Hey man, isn't the weather enough for you? We're not going to be held hostage by you fucking cunts. You haven't even wanted. You've never won a Super Bowl. And then San Diego was like, well, that's because this stadium must be buried on top of a Native American burial ground or something. Something happened. And San Diego is like, we don't

give a shit. All right. Finders, keepers, losers, weepers. All right. Send that shit to the open network. We don't give a fuck. And then San Diego Chargers was like, all right, we're just going to fucking pack our shit up and leave in the city of San Diego is like, you don't have the fucking balls. And the Chargers like, Oh yeah, you don't think so. You don't think so. I'm packing up the bag. Yeah, you'll be back. They already got a team up there called the Rams and they even left. They went to St. Louis for like fucking, I don't know, 25 fucking years. They're like, Oh, you're going to miss this when we're gone. And they're like, Yeah, you're not going anywhere. And then they fucking

left. They went up to LA Memorial Coliseum site of the first two fucking Super Bowls. And now they got a new stadium so fine. But you know what? The ghosts of what their stadium sat on followed them and they were up 27 to nothing. And Jacksonville, Florida against Trevor Lawrence. You cannot convince me is not a robot. The most beautiful, lifeless eyes in football. Trevor Lawrence, nothing affects that guy. And I don't know who was controlling him in the first half, but I think it was like they bet the charges. You know, you try to look off a safety. He was like looking right at a cornerback and would throw it right to him in the first half. It was a tale of two robots, everybody. Fucking game

was 27 and nothing at the half. And old freckles is like, my wife's like, Why don't we go out tonight? I'm like, Yeah, fucking, let's go out. I mean, what this game stinks, right? So we went out. I had myself a nice little Italian meal out here. Some fucking protein face. Like I said, I've been back at the gym. Can't you guys hear how healthy I am? I've been doing squats. I've been doing some core lift. Oh, I've been fucking kicking ass, finally losing my goddamn COVID weight. You know, old Billy fat tits was getting them fucking nose getting my chesticles back in shape again. I was having the third peck my belly go there's nothing worse than when your belly sticks out. The second it's sticking out as far as your

pecks, you just look like a man, man titted cunt. That's just, it just is what it is. So I've been killing it at the gym. And then of course, now I got to throw it my back. So anyway, my wife wants to go out to dinner. I love my wife. Let's take her out. We go out. We have a good time. We ended up stopping off at a little, uh, little after hours place and I going on, look, all of a sudden it's 30 to 20. And I was like, wait a minute, are the charges going to do what the fuck they always do in the goddamn playoffs? Are they going to fucking lose again to a team that they have beat and low and behold, it's the second half, right? The Jacksonville Jaguars halftime adjustments is that they did a hard

drive switch on Trevor Lawrence that all of a sudden the man couldn't miss, you know, still had that lifeless look in his eyes. You can't convince me he's not a robot and doesn't ride on shirtless on a white robot horse. Like I feel like that's how he comes to the games, but the NFL just maybe that's what it is. After the former players did that, that class action suit for CTE, I think that they've already begun switching over to robots. And I think Trevor Lawrence is the first one. I mean, tell me he isn't. Tell me that guy. Tell me that that's a person. Um, so then the charges actually have a chance to kind of ice it with the fucking field goal and the kicker comes out, Charles Dickens, the

fourth, whatever his fucking name is, and he misses it, right? Fucking Jacksonville scores, goes for a two point conversion as I'm screaming, don't do this. Why would you do this? Oh, because some mathlete said this is the right thing to do and lo and behold, it worked. The math team was right. Now it's 30 to 28. And then I don't know, Chicago goes three and out Chicago, San Diego goes three and out and then fucking they let the robot come back on the field and he emotionally drives them down the fucking field, right? A gutsy fourth down fucking call, whatever the fuck they did, running the ball around the outside all the way down to like the 18 and then their field goal kicker comes in, kicks the field

goal and all of Jacksonville celebrates. Now I want to get first of all, I want to give a shout out to the Jacksonville Jaguars and the city of Jacksonville, one of the best cups of coffee I ever got in my life was in Jacksonville. First time I ever tried alligator in the only time I ever tried alligator was in Jacksonville. It does not taste like chicken. Okay. Anybody goes when any, whenever anybody's trying to get you to taste something new, they tell you it tastes like chicken and that the truth is the only, it's only one thing in the world that tastes like chicken and that's chicken and it's fucking delicious. Like chicken, it's not even close chicken is the best tasting fucking animal on the planet. To the point,

even if you can't cook, if you make some chicken, it's still going to taste all right. All right, provider, you don't undercook it. I mean, you can fuck up. It's like if somebody doesn't know how to cook and they're going to try to cook for you, they're making chicken. Let's be honest. They're not firing up a grill and they're going to try to fucking make a steak, you know, or sear it on both sides on the skillet on top of the stove, finish it in the oven and bring it back out for a garlic butter bath. They ain't doing that shit. They're taking a fucking chicken cutlet. One side's the other side. They throw a little salt and pepper on it. You can deal with it. You can fucking deal with it. First place,

an only place they ever shot a gun with a silencer, Jacksonville, Florida. I had a great, I've had great times out there. So shout out to them condolences to Lydani and Tomlinson who went to that TCU Georgia game, TCU grad, watched his team lose by 58 fucking points. I'm still not even sure TCU still even has a football program after that fucking loss. Jesus Christ. Right? And then Lydani, right as he's shaking off that loss, getting excited and watching his former team, the charge is up 27, nothing. He watches him fucking blow it again, fucking blow it. I'm telling you, when January comes around, there's one thing that you can bank on other than the fact that you're going to promise yourself that you're

going to go to the gym and get your six pack back, knowing full well, you're going to fucking throw out your back and be laying on a purple mat that's heated a couple weeks later, right? That's a guarantee at the beginning of every year that gyms are going to be overly crowded until about January 20th. And then people are going to start dropping like flies. And the other thing that you can bet on is that the chargers, the Vikings and the Bills are going to lose in the playoffs. Two out of three of those things happened, almost three out of three. With the Buffalo Bills and their lackluster fucking performance, is there somehow basking in this national shit where they think that everybody's rooting for them?

Some woman in the crowd actually had a sign that said Buffalo Bills America's team. It's like, let's take it down a little bit. Your wings aren't that good. All right. I'm rooting for you. I hope it happens. If it doesn't, I don't give a fuck. I know that they're not nice people out in Buffalo. They're just making you seem like you're nice because everyone feels bad for you. But I have firsthand experience with Buffalo Bills fans when I wore that Patriots hat to a Bills Jets game rooting for the Bills. And that dude pushed me in the back when I was in the fucking bathroom. As I was taking a piss, the fucking coward that he was pushing an old man like me in the back. I'm still rooting for him because only because they're

my Super Bowl, my Super Bowl pick. All right. So I just want to be right. That's the only reason why I'm rooting for them. I'm not rooting for them, you know, for any other fucking reason. All right. The Bills mafia and all we crush tables and all that shit. Anyway, so my money is actually on them. I bet them at the beginning of the year with the Super Bowl. And then I watch whatever the fuck that was against some quarterback named Skyler What's His Face from fucking Utah Community College. By the way, how many more backup quarterbacks are just going to come waltzing in to take over for starting quarterbacks from major colleges and just absolutely crush it? Have they changed the

rules so much on the offense? Or is this just like the era of the quarterback? I'm trying to remember the last time a backup quarterback came in and then just go out and just fucking act like the starting quarterback. I mean, who are these people? You got that fucking kid, Purdy? Oh, fuck my back. Let's see if this works. He got that kid, Purdy, for the San Francisco 49ers, right? Kid won his first five starts. Nobody's ever done that. All of these Hall of Fame quarterbacks, all of these fucking guys went back in the day. You could fucking hit a quarterback. None of them ever did it in some fucking guy. I've never heard of. I've never heard of that. I don't wear you play fucking college football. I'm

not saying I'm the be all end all of knowing about college football and shit, but I never heard of this guy. This guy fucking comes in. He's lights out. Fucking lights out. Some guy named Skyler comes in, lights out. Baker Mayfield gets fucking traded to the goddamn Rams. Whoever the fuck's playing quarterback now for the Panthers, lights out. They're covering every fucking week. I'm losing money. I'm throwing out my back. Colt McCoy, I didn't even know he was still in the fucking goddamn league, lights out. Just the best backup in the fucking, you know, the backup quarterback is supposed to suck. That's why he's the backup. He comes in and there's a noticeable drop off from the starter. You don't keep fucking

winning. You don't come out against the Buffalo bills and all their goddamn weapons with some kid named Skyler who sounds like he should have a fucking protractor in his goddamn hand and Tyree kill is hurt and they hang with them the whole goddamn game. I'm still rooting for the bills. My money's still on them, but I will tell you this is the kids say I was whelmed by that performance. No, I was underwhelmed. What am I talking about? I was underwhelmed. They should have came in there and kicked the shit out of them. They didn't even cover the fucking spread. There was no shit on the ground. The only shit on the ground was from the Buffalo bills going, Oh my God, are we going to fucking lose to these guys? What's

their quarterback's last name again? I don't fucking know. Who gives a fuck? Why don't you go out there and try and stop them? Oh, anyway, my back's coming back. Here we go. It's coming back. I want the world to know. Oh, fuck. Really is amazing that they just haven't figured out the back yet. They just have no fucking answers. The only answer you have is never get the operation. Never get a fucking operation. You're much better to just fucking roll around on the floor like this. I think that's my own personal opinion. So Jacksonville Jaguards, they advanced the fucking New York football giants. They don't lose in January. You don't need to tell a fucking Pats fan that right. They went right

through God damn February catching fucking footballs off their helmet, their fucking Tate and their goddamn shoelaces, right? That is their legacy. It's amazing. New players come in. It doesn't make a difference. It's in the DNA of the New York football giants. The Vikings, it is in their DNA that they're going to fucking lose. That's exactly what they did. God damn it. So anyway, I don't know who the bill's playing next week. My money, if I had to do my bet over again, I think it might be the 49ers versus the Kansas City Chiefs. I think the Kansas City Chiefs are going to go to the Super Bowl and probably, I don't know if they're going to win it. All depends. I will tell you this. I am really

sick and tired of Patrick Mahomes and those stupid forward laterals that aren't forward laterals anymore. Every time you're going to fucking go to sac them, it looks like he frisbee to fucking purse two yards. And then I got to listen to the announcers go, oh my god, he's so creative. It's a forward lateral. Who can't, he's underhanding the ball. That's how I play catch with my two and a half year old son. What are we flipping out? I don't like that. I don't like the way he runs. There's something about the way he runs and then he just, ah, he just fucking throw that underhand fucking ball. It's like, take a sack like a man or throw it away. Start with this fucking, I don't know what it is. It's just, that's

what he looks like. He's like, I don't know why. I've never seen a man underhand a purse, but that's what it looks like to me. It's a fucking forward lateral and it's not a forward lateral anymore. You know, maybe that's why all these no name backup quarterbacks, there's so many options. Get a ladder with a backwards, sidewards, sideways, forward, doesn't matter. No one can touch you. Did you see that roughing the passer called that the Giants got at the end of that fucking Vikings game? I mean, how ridiculous, what was he supposed to do? You know, pretty soon you're going to have to like, it's going to be like wedding night. You got to carry the quarterback across the threshold and lay him down like he's a virgin.

Kiss the top of his helmet. There's a flag on the play. We got a personal foul on the defense, not putting enough emotion when you kiss the quarterbacks helmet. Anyway, oh fuck, I'm working it out. Hey, I'm working it out. Hey, working out the backs getting worked out here. Yeah, complete horseshit call. And then there was also one of those games that was just decided. I think it was the Buffalo. I mean, the 49ers game. They just completely ignored. Oh, I know they dumped it off and then there was a wide receiver down the field who just grabbed the safety on both sides of his fucking shoulder pads and held on to him. Yeah, it gets to Seahawks and the guy runs in for a touchdown. They showed it up close. They were commending

this guy for his downfield blocking up close in slow motion. Just two handfuls of Jersey. They didn't say anything. And then they showed the Seattle guy fucking kick in the turf. Then making it look like he was frustrated with how good the 49ers were. He was frustrated that there was no call is what I was, I was imagining. That was my take. My bad back here. Now you know, it's the worst at my age. If you just lay on your back long enough, your nose starts getting clogged up like you have a cold. Like I am a fucking mess right now. I have slippers on and plaid pajama bottoms with a hoodie and a thermal. Okay, you getting that picture right there? This is this is like this is the outfit you

wear when you die at home of what they initially think. How many times how many fucking times have you been driving by a fucking complex and you see them wheeling somebody out one of those hospital gurneys with the oxygen single and they got the plaid pajama bottoms. Oh my God, I'm wearing my death outfit. He was laughing and joking the night before. And I don't know. I just woke up and he was a strange color. So I called the ambulance. Well, anyway, you know, it's funny if I actually had silk pajamas, you know that the EMTs are like, all right, this is definitely a little nose candy here right before bed. He's doing some stripes, riding the rail. By the way, I've been continuing to watch amazing movies.

Trying to get some inspiration here in a different direction because I'm writing something right now. And I watched Jackie Brown, which I'd only seen once. I saw it in the movie theater. And when I went to go see Jackie Brown in 97 or 98 when it came out, I was like most mouth breathing morons. I went in there and I wanted to see Pulp Fiction part two. All right, but Tarantino's like, I already fucking did that. I'm going to do something different. And then I went in there like, this isn't what I already saw and had the nerve to be upset. And over the years, people are telling me like, I think that's his best fucking movie. I love Jackie Brown. So I was like, I got to go back and see this thing. Okay, I was a fucking idiot in the

late 90s. Not like I'm not an idiot right now. And I went back and watched it. And now it might be my favorite Samuel Jackson performance. He was unfucking believable in that movie. I would sit down and watch it again tonight. That's how much I enjoyed it. And Pam Greer was amazing. All of that shit she was doing when the feds first start talking to her in the parking garage. And the question she was acting and the look on her face as she knew like what to say, what not to say and how she has got, she's got to play that whole thing acting like she's helping out Sam Jackson, acting like she's helping out the fucking cops, but she's just helping herself out. It was fucking amazing. And Robert De Niro playing that fucking loser character. What's her face there? Bridget Fonda.

And I realized she was actually laying on the couch watching her one of her dad Peter Fonda's movies. That dirty married crazy Harry that movie I was telling you about earlier that has one of my favorite lines ever in it. In the beginning Peter Fonda's character hooks up with some chick. They're like bank robbers and they're going into town like casing the town to see if there's a place they can rip off. And Peter Fonda goes, I like this town. This is a good town. And then his buddy goes, any town's a good town when you're banging a broad. Something like when you're banging a broad. You sound just like the guy in the Warner Brothers movie, shut up, shut up. The Warner Brothers cartoons, I should say. Anyway, I give that five out of five freckled thumbs up. Jackie Brown fucking incredible movie.

And before that I watched Casino, another movie I was wrong about. I just felt it was too like the vice the head and the vice and the fucking Nikki getting beaten to death and buried alive with his brother. That was just too much for me. You know, seeing the eye pop out and shit was too much, but I didn't realize, you know, I went back and watched it. I would that's another one I would watch again. And I want I want a movie suggestion from you guys because those are two like, you know, huge directors. Everybody knows their work. Give me something underground. Give me something. What movie was that? Come on, give me something. Pacino and heat. I should watch that. I haven't seen that since that one came out. Everybody tells me that movie's fucking incredible. I got to go back and watch that. I had like massive, massive,

massive, massive fucking ADD in the 90s. Do you know I saw the usual suspects in somewhere in that movie I daydreamed and just sort of checked out for a good 20 minutes. And in the end of the movie, when this I'm not going to spoil it here, whatever the big reveal was, the Butler did it or, you know, the end of the mystery, like is the whole crowd of the movie theater was like, oh, oh my God. I was just sitting there like, what happens? I wasn't listening. I just kind of zoned out. I zoned out after the police lineup. Yeah, when Benicio del Toro is like, ah, get all you motherfuckers. When he did that, I thought that was hilarious. And I don't know. I think I just started thinking about my own life and will I ever get to do a movie? Can you imagine being a movie? Look how good these guys are. How do you get as good at acting as these guys?

Guys, I just started thinking about that shit. I started thinking about what if I, you know, what if I had gone to a different high school and I majored in drama or I just started thinking all of this shit and then all of a sudden it was just the end of the movie. That used to happen to me all the fucking time. I would go to see movies and yeah, there's halfway through I would just start thinking and shit and I couldn't even focus on it. So I should probably go back watch the usual suspects and heat. Maybe I'll watch that this week. That'll be good. You know what's funny is my wife absolutely loves movies but she also likes watching shows about, you know, those murder shows. She also likes watching those murder shows, right? So, you know, I don't like watching that before I go to bed. I like watching fake murders. So the last couple of nights like the movies I've been watching are so good that she actually stops watching the murder shows

and she ends up watching, you know, what I'm watching on my laptop, which made me feel good because my wife's definitely the more ahtsy of the two of us. Like she actually like goes to museums and can appreciate, you know, what's on the wall. I can't appreciate it unless it's something I recognize, you know what I mean? Like when I go to a fucking museum and it's a bunch of just, you know, paint on a canvas that isn't, it was called abstract. You know, I'm not smart enough, I guess, to know what that is, you know. She is, she can figure all of that out and she can actually watch Casino too. She's the whole gamut. I'm just sort of straightforward, right? Basically, if there's not a car chase and some titties, to me, I feel like Hollywood didn't really give me a movie, all right?

I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. I'm just trying to fucking fix my goddamn back here. All right, let's do some reads here for the week. All right, here we go. We got some reads here for the week. Is this still recording? Okay, good, it is. It is. It is still recording. All right. Oh, look who it is, everyone. Can you believe it? It's old zip. Talk about your goals for the new year. Well, I'd like to not have a fucking bad back. I'd like to be able to take a frozen waffle out of the goddamn freezer and not end up spending the rest of my morning laying on the floor on my fucking back.

Is that a goal? Is that good enough for you? You fucking job hiring cunts. It's hard to find people who are so good at what they do. So good is underlined. Oh my God. That's like when foodies talk about a restaurant. That's how they want to read. Oh my God. Have you been to Penelope's? Oh my God, it's so good. They always say that. I hate that. So good.

They drop their voice down. I always wanted to like fucking karate chop them right in the throat, right as they say it. You know, like a spy movie. You do it really quick and public and nobody sees it and then they collapse. And as everybody rushes over to help them, you walk out slowly wearing a Hawaiian shirt so you blend in with the tourists. Anyway, it's hard to find people who are so good at what they do. It's like if you're hiring, it's like if you're hiring. How can you find the best people for all the different roles on your team? Easy. Zip. And right now, you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com slash burr.

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What the thing? I can't get my fucking feet up on that. Not sure he has this pillow that's shaped like a fucking wedge of cheese. Oh, thank you, Dr. Hill. Well, yeah, as long as I don't move, everything's fine. You gotta be fucking kidding me. We're still going to the movies today, right? I don't know. I'm going.

I'm going. I said I'm going and that's it. Unfortunately, I think when the podcast's over, I'll just fucking bust out the yoga mat and I'll work this out here. Unfortunately, you have new hiring challenges for 2023. Yeah, you know what? You got to go around the fact that everyone's been treating their employees like shit for so goddamn long that most people don't like. You know, once the pandemic came around, they're like, hey, wait a minute. You had time to think like, why am I allowing myself to be treated like that? All right, thankfully, there's a place you can go that can help you conquer these challenges and achieve your hiring goals.

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Zip recruiter. The smartest way to hire. I can't fucking breathe. I can't lay on my back this long and then all of a sudden it's like I have a cold. I mean, this is it. Nia, do you know what I was saying, joking earlier, I'm wearing the clothes. This is the exact outfit when you get wheeled out on a gurney into an ambulance when you fucking die suddenly or you have some sort of cardiac episode. You're in your pajamas.

Yeah, my pajamas with like a hoodie on. Is that releasing the pressure off your back to have it up on this thing? Just laying on my back is making it nice. Did the heat kick in on this? It didn't. The heat has not kicked in on this thing, thankfully. I hate a heating pad. It's going to help your back.

My nerve is inflamed. Why do I want to put heat on it? I don't know. Don't you want to put ice on it? How about an ice pack for the fucking reptilian man that you met? You married? I feel like the heat's going to be better. I'll get you one, but I thought the heat was better.

All right, you know what? All I'm going to do is just have a bunch of non-doctors that listen to this podcast arguing back and forth about what's better, heat or ice. All right, butcher box. 100% butcher box. Wait, why is this the copy? It's a new year and the perfect time. Make sure you're doing the best you can for you and your family. Oh, it's a new year.

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It's time for the questions. Oh, fuck. All right, Celsius vs. Fahrenheit. Why did I start this fucking debate? Bill, last week you read an email defending Celsius. I didn't defend Celsius. It wasn't being charged with anything. I just said it seemed to make more sense considering water freezes at zero and boils at 100.

It seemed like easier numbers to remember for a dummy like me. I wasn't defending Celsius, all right? Celsius never went to Epstein Island, allegedly. Anyway, you were defending Celsius from a bloke who opened his email saying he grew up with Celsius, but you closed the email saying, yeah, well, you're used to it. That's why you like Fahrenheit better. Well, that sounds like me. Did I already forget what he said two paragraphs earlier?

All right, I apologize for that. A lot of open-minded non-U.S. bread persons would agree with him and me. Can I just tell you guys how much I love that sentence? A lot of open-minded non-U.S. bread persons would agree with him and me. Who are they? You just invented these people? And then you complimented saying that they were open-minded? You know, there's a lot of people out there that would agree with him and me.

Hey, you know what? There's a lot of people that would agree with me. I can't give you any examples, but I can make the same giant fucking statement. All right, here's a good stand-up routine explaining Fahrenheit's superiority. All right, am I supposed to watch this right now? Listen, I don't want to see a fucking stand-up routine about Fahrenheit. That's above my pay grade. All right, you know what?

If you like Fahrenheit, go ahead. I mean, they're still using it. All right, porch talk in second home. Hey, Bill, maybe you do have one, but just don't talk about it. I'm wondering if you ever considered a second home you could retreat to for three months out of the year. For three months? Come back to my house out here and there's raccoons living in it. What the fuck?

Who goes away for three months? Yeah, I have a vacation home. I just rent them, and then I leave, and then I'm not responsible for the gutters and the water problems and all of that shit. If you don't, where would you go? Tell the realtor you need a front porch with a view. Oh, that's a fun thing. Honestly, if it wasn't so far away, if I didn't give a shit about getting on a plane in rural France, so I would be forced to speak French. I would be three months out there.

Maybe go to the Tour de France down in the Pyrenees, you know. I would do that. I would live in Italy. Any of those Mediterranean places, even places I've never been to like Spain and Greece, they just all seem amazing. But if we were talking continental United States, which is most likely. Massachusetts, absolutely. You know, go back to there, all the places that I love to eat, that would be amazing. I know it's a big time Hollywood thinks for some reason to go to Wyoming and Montana.

I've seen enough of Yellowstone to know that I'm not going to fit in out there, and I don't need the Kevin Costa character fucking yelling at me. So I wouldn't go to that. I'd let those people have their country out there, you know. Where would I go? I don't know. I've always liked Milwaukee. I like Minneapolis. I like Chattanooga, Tennessee.

I like Jacksonville. I don't know where. I would be definitely someplace back east. I think it would just be in Massachusetts. I would have a place and it just doesn't seem relaxing to me to get on a plane though and have to fly five and a half hours to get all the way the fuck out there. So I would probably do what a lot of people do out here, which is get a place out in like Palm Desert. So then you can just get in a car, drive out there. But at that point, I mean, I just feel like just fucking rent the goddamn thing.

You don't have to deal with it, you know. You know what I love to do when I like rent a house is leave it fucking immaculate, you know, like clean it all up and throw the garbage out and all that underrated, renting something and treating it with respect. I always hated that thing. Hey, it's a rental like having a rental car and you like beat the shit out of it. I don't know. Just think that when you're younger, I understand it when you get older. I think it's a fucking asshole thing to do. All right, real world Illuminati. Oh, no.

Hey, Billy grounded brains. With all you do, you're probably not following world domination news as much. Yeah, I kind of got out of that because it freaks me out and there's like no solution and most people don't care. And then you walk around freaking out about shit and you don't even 100% really know that it's true. I just know that there's a lot of fucking psychos out there and they're planning to do horribly horrible fucking things and that I blame God for it because God makes the psychos. It's not the devil. All right, the devil is God's excuse. All right, he tries harder on some people than he does on others.

That's all he tightens the screws down on some people. You got a nice level headed empathetic person that does not seek power and the rest of them, you know, that whole thing, they got a screw loose. Yeah, God didn't tighten it down. It has nothing to do with the devil. All right, the devil is like, you know, when, you know, feminists are always just blaming men for all of their fucking problems. Yeah, I really wish I could sit up right now and just look at the look on your face when I said that. You don't feel that feminists do that a little bit? I feel that you do that a lot of it.

Oh yeah, no, we know that I'm an asshole. But don't you think that, you know, not all of women's problems are because of men? Most of them are though. Most of them? I would think, though, you're guys inability to get along with one another. Yeah, no, you're not going to do that. What? They're not going to try to, you know, gas like the situation and make us turn on each other.

It's not going to happen. Nia, your entertainment is watching women yell at each other and not get along with each other in fucking... It's all conflict resolution. They're really... Okay. All right, I'll leave that alone. It's our sports. It's your sports.

All right, fair enough. I would like to bring your attention to the Davos meeting going on this week. It's a collection of the richest people in the world who get together to supposedly figure out how to steer population in a better direction. They are led by a guy named Klaus Schwab, who is the head of the World Economic Forum. He talks like a Bond villain with a fat-tongued German accent. They pretend to care about humanity, but it's all a money grab, of course. Yes, absolutely. And CNN and Fox News will not cover it on any fucking level.

But if an actor says something or a stand-up comedian says something that either CNN or Fox doesn't like, they'll fucking jump all over it like the comedian is Klaus Schwab. The way they tackle climate change is to push policies to keep normal people living at a lower quality of life in the name of the planet. Well, I love when politicians do that. You know, we got to tighten the belt. It's like, dude, my fucking checkbook is balanced. You're the cunts that overspent the fucking taxes. Why don't you tighten your belt?

Anyway, while owning all of the companies that pollute and create waste. Keep in mind, none of these people are elected, but they control a lot of aspects of our lives. They're meeting in Davos, Switzerland. Hilarious. Switzerland's the smartest fucking people out there acting like they're neutral. Yeah, man, we don't want to get involved. And then they have meetings like this there. They all fly in on private jets, and the Swiss Army has 5,000 active troops protecting them.

How do you know this? How do you know how they fly in private? Do you have an app where you can watch the Illuminati? Just for the record, they warned about virus a few years back and pushed governments to invest in their pandemic protocols. Well, maybe they know something then in like a good way. The ones who didn't got some, I told you so. Now they're warning of a major cybersecurity breakdown. One might guess it would be financial and since they own all the land and resources,

they won't have to worry about all financial records being destroyed since it's all 1s and 0s at this point. Hold on to your butt, Billy. It's going to be a wild decade or maybe not. All right. The fact that you wrote or maybe not is like, you know, shows that you're a little bit rational, that you don't fucking believe 100% of this shit. Yeah. All right.

Well, that's a bunch of scary shit that I can do nothing about. All right. New artificial intelligent programs. Oh, Jesus. Out of the frying pan into the fire. Is this it here? I think this is the last one I'm going to do before my fucking... I fucking try to work this bad problem out.

Okay. AI. Hey, hi, Bill. I'm a big fan of your comedy and your podcast. Well, thank you. I always make sure I listen while I'm communicating to and from work. I just wanted to get your opinion on all the new AI apps and websites that seem to be coming out now. There are AI apps for artwork where a computer will pretty much make artwork based on whatever you can tell it to make.

For instance, you can say, make Hitler wear a dunce cap and it will draw a picture of it. Okay. There's another program called Chat GPT. This is getting attention because students are using it to write papers for school. No, brother. And what it comes up with will not be identified on the plagiarizing programs that teachers use. You can also use it to write songs or stories. I was recently playing with it and I said, write a Bill Burr joke.

Oh, God. Did it start smoking? This is the joke it came up with. Oh, God. I don't know what's worse. People who are always late or people who are always early. Late people are like, hey, I'm sorry I'm late. But early people are like, hey, I'm sorry I'm early, but I just couldn't wait to bother you.

Jesus Christ. They think I'm that bad a comedian? Late people who are always, late people are like, hey, I'm sorry I'm late. That's it. That's all the fucking juice you squeezed out of that. Let me see if I can Bill Burr this up with some fucks and some bad voices. I'll do my impression, my impression of people's impression of me. I don't know what's worse.

People who are always fucking late. People who are always fucking early. Late people are like, sorry I'm late. But early people are like, hey, sorry I'm early, but I just couldn't wait to bother you. I wouldn't fucking do this, fuck that robot. But it'll get better. It'll get better. Just like all of these gas combustion people who are complaining about how long it takes

to charge your car, an electric car, which is hilarious. What you really do is get out and plug it in as you go into your car. It's hilarious. What you really do is get out and plug it in as you go into your house and you wake up the next day with a full fucking tank every goddamn day. All these gas combustion people are like, what about if I decide I want to drive to Kentucky? When do you do that? Never.

Those electric ports, they're just going to charge faster and faster and faster. That's it. Because they know that that's what's stopping you. I don't want a fast vehicle with more space to put shit. After I saw that, I was curious to see what your thoughts were. Yeah, you know what? I don't give a shit. How about that?

I used to give a shit. And you know what? Giving a shit was just fucking pointless. It was lonely. I actually had an economics major yell at me trying to claim that the Federal Reserve was part of the government. And she said, I majored in economics. And I kept saying you're wrong.

And then the other guy was going, San Diego, a whale's vagina. And they were just sitting there acting like I was a fucking lunatic. And I wasn't. I was 100% right. But they were in the goddamn matrix. So that's what I find. When you're into conspiracy theory, you're either going to be frustrated talking with somebody who doesn't believe in it, or worse, you're going to meet somebody that is into it.

And they're going to just, you guys are just going to sit there freaking each other out, knowing there's nothing you can do about it. You know, you're both talking to each other, going, I was hoping you were the Tom Cruise or Will Smith that was going to go to Switzerland and stop this meeting from happening. Oh, it's not you? Well, it's not me either. All right, you want to go get some fucking wings? Like, what do you do with it after that?

Oh, my fucking back. All right, I got to work this thing out here. This is the worst I've thrown my back out in a while. You know, that's going to be the great thing about fucking robots. They won't throw their backs out. You know what? That's why they've never figured the back out. Because they're like, well, who gives a shit that we can't figure out out the spine?

You know, we got robots coming. Let's see if standing up. Let's see how standing up works. Standing up, standing up. Oh, you motherfucker. Oh, that is not good. That is not good at all. Oh, come on, man.

I wanted to go to the movies. I know. You're just going to have to lay flat on your back for a little bit longer. All right. Well, I'm not laying on that fucking heating pad. Oh, it doesn't just make me feel like I have a fever. I think walking around rather than just laying down is going to be a better thing. All right.

Are people really listening to me? Just complaining about my back. All right, people. I'm sorry. I'm about eight minutes short. You know, I'm going San Diego charges on this. I had a good first half. My condolences to San Diego Charger fans.

I don't know why stuff like this keeps happening. But, you know, you have to pay for that. You guys have perfect weather down there. And you have beautiful women who aren't in show business. So just know that you do have that. All right. And you guys can go out and your lovely weather and hold each other and be tan and go surfing or whatever it is you do down in that utopia.

I love how I'm talking about it like there's still the San Diego charges. They're not. They're the Los Angeles Chargers, right? I don't know. They'll always be the San Diego Chargers. It'll always be the Oakland Raiders and always be the Baltimore Colts to me. Okay, this walking around is getting a little better here. All right.

That's the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.