Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-18-16

Episode Date: January 18, 2016

Bill rambles about Vancouver, Hail Mary's and El Chapo.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. And in Vancouver, Canada, doing two shows here tonight. It's halftime. Actually, third quarter just started of the Broncos Steelers.

I missed Seattle in Carolina. I know that must have been a great fucking game. It kills me. You know, you never know when you book the fucking gigs that a game like that is going to be on. But I imagine that that was as good as the score looked. And of course, I'm up here in Canada, and I don't know, they don't have... They just went to Boomer and all those guys at halftime,

and all they did was interview Cam Newton. They asked him one question, you know. He didn't answer, you know. He just talked. Didn't give an answer about anything. They were like, what do you think you did the second half to, you know, blah, blah, blah. And he just goes, well, you know, our offense and our defense and of course the special teams, you know, everybody's got a job to do

and they get out there and they try to get done. And unfortunately today, we were able to get out there and execute some of the things we've been working with all this week. And, you know, next week we got another person that we're going to be playing. I should set a team, not a person. We got a team we're going to play. And we just hope that, you know, we're just going to try to keep it going because, you know, we're trying to win a championship here.

And by then you're just like, what the fuck did I even ask you? I wonder if, you know, because athletes, anything they fucking say, they're going to take it out of context. So they just get trained to just answer and not say anything just like a politician. I wonder if you can fucking turn that off, you know, if you stay in the league long enough, if you drive your wife nuts, you know. Honey, do you know where my shoes are? Well, you know, you own a lot of stuff and sometimes that stuff gets misplaced.

What you can do is just try to fire on all cylinders and try to find the things that you can have. And if you can find them, you can find them. And if you can't, then you got to move on to the next thing. But, you know, as always, I'm always looking towards next week and another thing that's going to be lost. And if it's lost, we're definitely going to do everything we can to find it, the offense, defense and the special teams.

You're not helping me. Anyways, yes, I'm up here in Vancouver. God damn it, it's fucking beautiful up here. Fucking gorgeous, man, especially when you live in, you know, where the hell I live, which was not designed to have really anybody living there, I guess maybe some indigenous people sending smoke signals, you know, probably sending smoke signals that, you know, can you find any food? Because we can't.

I'm sick of eating snake. And do you want to get the fuck out of here? How the fuck you do that with smoke signals? It must have been pretty goddamn simple, right? The smoke signals, if they even did it, or is that just another Hollywood thing that they threw a blunt, I mean, how do you even fucking do that? I guess you obviously got to put the fire out, right? How the fuck would you do that, you know?

All right, one big pop for fucking, so you got to know what kind of wood to burn, what a pain in the ass. Jesus Christ, you know what you get lost in? Remember getting lost at the mall before a fucking cell phone? That was unbelievable. Forget about back then, if you get lost, you were fucked. Hey, anybody see what the fuck was that guy's name? Old fucking red face.

Where'd he go? Done. I mean, how long do you look? You can't really yell. You're going to attract wild animals. Just walking around the woods. Hey, Eddie? Eddie, the fuck are you?

This isn't funny, man. Anyways, but you come up here after leaving the dessert. Whenever I see you say the desert, I always think of that awesome, that great Greg Giraldo, Rustus Souljoke, where he just did that whole thing about how eloquent the words, the words, the notes were that soldiers wrote during the Civil War, you know, versus some of the letters from people coming back from Iraq. I can't remember how the fuck it went.

It's really hard to be out here with your balls, stick a G-leg out here in the dessert. You know, I remember the difference between desert and dessert. Two S's for dessert, more calories, right? There you go. That's how I do it. Don't even ask me to spell restaurant, because I won't even fucking remember. So anyways, I'm up here in Vancouver, so we go to fucking land, and just, oh my god, all the lush greenery, all the lakes, all the water,

everything we don't have down in LA, beautiful houses, I guess it's expensive as shit up here, and they were saying how a lot of Asian people, you know, not indigenous, foreigners, you know, they got to get rid of their fucking money, they got to wash their money, or I don't know what the fuck it is, their government's going to take it all, so they use this place up here like a Swiss bank, and they buy like super expensive places for cash, which drives the housing market up.

It's fucking nuts, man. Anytime you go to another country, you just hear the shit that they're fucking dealing with. I just, you know, you always think like you come up here, Canada's going to have no fucking problems. You know, you watch one Michael Moore documentary that just gives you a complete, like, misinterpretation of what the fuck is going on up here. So they, I guess they had to make some sort of law that you couldn't do something like that. I can't, I came up with a fucking person, told them, went all the way to the fucking Supreme Court.

It was like a group of people from Asia that were so rich that they actually sued an entire country for not letting them either come into the country or buy a bunch of shit over here that drove the housing market stuff up or something like that, or buy their citizenship, I can't even fucking remember, but that's the charm of this podcast. You know, I get a little information. I barely remember half of it and I just fucking run with it. That's all.

So anyways, so it went all the way to the Supreme Court, and then they were just finally like, yeah, you kind of have to be from this country for us to give a fuck about you, you know, to like win a lawsuit. So, see you later. And that's, and it ended. I guess the lawyer for them knew the whole way going all the way up that it wasn't going to happen. You know, they weren't going to win it.

He just took their money. He probably had to sit there and work on his, I'm disappointed we lost two face, you know, as he took all their fucking money. But anyways, so let's talk about NFL football. What? The fucking Patriots, they won. God damn it.

Thank Christ. They won. Thank Christ. They won in Seattle loss. Thank Christ. You know, if we're going to keep advancing, I just didn't want Seattle to get the revenge. I can't remember if I've already said this.

I just didn't want to see Seattle get the revenge on a banged up Patriot team. If we come in healthy and they kick our ass, good on them. But, you know, congratulations to the Carolina Panthers. They got to be the favorites at this point. Come on, the 16 and fucking one, right? Got that young defense. They're not scared of shit. They just beat Seattle, right?

Who knows? But I don't know shit about football. I've just been so fucking busy. So I'm still going to talk about it. You guys can keep trashing me that. I don't know shit. I don't give a fuck. And by the way, this is why I never record on a day that I flew,

because my brain is even more all over the place than it usually is, especially when I got a fucking TV going on in the background. But, you know, I got, I got a busy fucking datum. I fly back tomorrow. I got a busy fucking day. So I apologize if this is all over the place. Even more than usual. I was a first down for the stealers and more.

They're 40, they're 30, they're fucking 25. I hope somebody else up here gives a shit about NFL football. I know their CFL ends in like, is it the end of November? They have the gray cup, which is their Super Bowl? Or is it December? I don't know. Do people even give a shit? You ever see the fucking stadiums for their football teams up here?

It's like, you sit in the stands, you can see your car. You know, one of those deals where there's like a fucking, you watch them kick a field goal and you're looking at traffic driving by on the street. Like those old school football stadiums from like the 60s and 70s, you know, where they would have like the horseshoe shaped stadium, which was, I think what happened with football stadiums was, when there wasn't that many people and also the leagues were small, they just had people sitting on both sides, right?

You had the home side and the visitor side and that was it. And then as there's more and more people, population got bigger, the leagues got bigger, then they built end zone seats that connected both sides. I think they just did it on one side first. Then you had the horseshoe, right? Like the fucking Broncos played in, the Buckeyes, the Buckeyes still call it their horseshoe. They still call it a horseshoe, even though they fucking closed in it. And then eventually there was people, people did so much fucking that they had to close, you know,

and there's so much ESPN that got everybody fucking interested in it. That isn't even interested in it. Then all of a sudden Beyonce singing at fucking halftime, you know, and there's a bunch of people in the crowd that are excited by it. You know, a fucking old ass Rod Stewart, who the fuck they dragging out. They always either go with somebody young or they just fucking drag somebody out who's on their last fucking legs like their last big payday, you know. They just fucking wheel them out there.

What are they going to do this year? Night Ranger? It's either going to be like Night Ranger or Drake. That's what I'm guessing. Oh wait, I think it is Beyonce. You know, I know because Nia wanted to go to the Super Bowl because Beyonce was there. I'm like, why don't you go see her in concert? Are you going to make us go to the fucking Super Bowl?

And then we're going to watch her lip sync one fucking song. How the fuck did Sean Penn interview that drug lord? How do you do something like that? And the government isn't like, hey, you know, we're trying to find that guy. You know, when you're sitting there palling around with them. Probably bought him like fast times at Ridgemont High DVDs, right, for his underground layer. Dude, I love Sean Penn as an actor, but how out of your fucking tree are you? That you're going to go and interview that fucking guy.

You know, I just, that's, I'm trying to think how many fucking stand up specials. I would have to put out before I could go. I would go fucking interview somebody and like the, well, I guess ISIS is actually fighting, but we're fucking with them too. You know, I would just think I'm going to walk in there with my microphone. They're all going to laugh at me. And then they're going to saw my fucking head off or even worse, tie me to a chair, fucking torture me to death. That's insane.

Hey, good on him. Also, I don't know, is it El Chapo? That's his name. He sounds like such a gentleman, huh? El Che is a good chap. El Chapo. Um, I don't fucking get it, man. What are you doing?

Why, why did he go down there and interview that guy? And like how, how, how well does Sean Penn's movies do that drug dealers on the run? He's on the run from our government, right? Isn't this the guy who escaped? I don't fucking know. You know what's going on as my fucking internet won't let me sign on. So I can't fucking see anything. I can't see the fucking highlights.

Nothing. You know, all I'm up here is I fucking got one goddamn channel and a bunch of Tim Horton fucking commercials, which is their Dunkin Donuts. See if I can sign on here. Isn't El Chapo the guy that like, that we would, that keeps escaping from jail? Is that the guy? El Chapo. Come on, man. Come on.

Ah, this connection is untrusted. Jesus Christ. There's probably some psycho from Alberta trying to hack in here. That seems like they're Texas to me when you're up here. It's all fucking oil men and ranchers and shit. And then you got Edmonton. Edmonton seems like it's nice. You know what I mean?

Like that's their like business hub. You know, I'm totally judging these just by doing like driving through and doing a little bit of stand up out here. Like when I did stand up in Calgary, great people, but fucking animals. Jesus fucking Christ. They were animals. I don't know. It's because the place that we performed at, there was like no carpeting or nothing.

They were fucking, I think it was closer because it was bring your own beer. Fucking animals. I would never fuck with anybody from Calgary. I saw the way they behaved when they were in a good mood, excited for a show. Don't have a fuck with anybody from Calgary. I went to Edmonton. It was civilized Calgary. Jesus Christ.

They had everything but a hooker swinging from a swing, you know, back in the old days with the saloons. We had the horse, you know, way overdressed. Once again, it might just be a fucking movie thing. So much, so much of my history is based on that. By the way, I can't get on the fucking internet. For some reason, I could fucking, I could do it over the, I could do it on my phone. Let me look up El Chapo here. Like I said, he sounds like such a chap.

I just think like that English thing. Hey, El Chapo. He's a Mexican chap. How Mexico secretly launched a crackdown after Penn met El Chapo. How El Chapo was finally captured again. That was one day ago. Little El Chapo rat out rival cartels, corrupt officials. It's got to be a lot of stress being this El Chapo guy, huh?

Joaquin Guzman. You know, I got to say, he looks like a Mexican Robert Blake, like during the Beretta years. Now when he says, yeah, that's me who's also on the phone and then starts laughing. How else, this is when you know you lived a fucking crazy life. This is just the front page of this guy's, if you search this guy's name. How El Chapo was finally captured again. Will El Chapo, I read those El Chapo Guzman, Sean Penn talks about him. El Chapo had erectile dysfunction surgery while on the run.

That's nice. Now he took a pit stop, you know, guy takes care of himself. How nervous was that doctor working on that maniacs dick? El Chapo speaks Rolling Stone. Sean Penn has terrible regret about meeting El Chapo. Well, what did he think he was going to meet? He's going to get some fucking sharies, berries, the hunt for El Chapo. Joaquin El Chapo Guzman, the truth about the jailbreak.

There's nothing here about an older wiser El Chapo puts out a little singer-songwriter. Jesus fucking Christ. Dude, you don't realize how fucking finished we are? Just as a race. Not as a race, as humanity, that's what I'm trying to say. Just as people, we're fucking done. You know, Rolling Stone, Rolling Stone this month has Sean Penn talking to El Chapo and Leonardo DiCaprio's on the cover and they're billing him.

He has a plan to save the planet. What are we doing? What the fuck is our government not doing? That A-list fucking actors have to talk to drug lords and try to save the planet. I mean, there's got to be, how many leaks are in the fucking dam at this point? I don't know about you guys, that does not make me feel comfortable. You know what I mean? Boom or a sci-acid to figure out how to fucking colonize Mars.

That's the next thing that they're going to have in the Rolling Stone. You know what? What the fuck do I want to hear that? Can I hear a scientist? You know? How about have a Navy Seal interview El Chapo? I don't know, Bill. How would you shut the fuck up?

All right, I will. I don't know. I get unsettled. I get unsettled that I have problems with digestion. I can't even remember what the fuck I was going to look up. What was I initially looking up before I got to El Chapo? Jesus Christ, some of the stories on that guy. You know, it's right up there with that fucking Rod Stewart rumor from way back in the day.

Remember that one? I think it was, I can't even remember Rod Stewart. Yeah, they found like a gallon of jizz in his stomach. His stomach had to be pumped. You know, a gallon. He went to Trader Joe's and bought some fucking all natural organic fuck. I'm sorry. He got a gallon of it.

You know, no, he went to, what's that place where you buy everything in bulk? Those fucking whales are pushing around those pallet jacks buying Cheerios. You got to get a membership to it because with a C, it's not cunties. I never go to the fucking place. Once I had to go in there and get a membership, they wanted all this fucking information. Oh, Christ, what the fuck is it called? Not coat check. I'm never going to remember it.

You know what I'm saying? That just kills the jokes, Bill. When you can't remember the fucking references, it just, it absolutely kills it. Costco. He went to Costco. He bought one of those big fucking gallons of fucking jizz. It on a dairy chugged it. Anyway, so they had something on El Chapo.

El Chapo, they said, I can't remember. They just fucking killed this person's whole family, took their kids and some of you. I just, I don't believe it. They took his kids and then flew them to Columbia and then threw them off a bridge. It's like, really? There's not any bridges in Mexico. You never know what to believe, but I got to tell you, when you go south of the US, you do not want to piss anybody off as far as I can tell.

That's some next level shit. And I can say that because I just read papers from the United States. They, uh, that's just, that's just next level. Like, you know, you're mad at somebody and then, you know, how you get your revenge is just some next. I read that killing Pablo one time. I had to put the book down like three times. Some of the shit they just said that the guy did. Now, I don't know if the fucking guy did this shit,

but I'm a one times hearing that the guy had a party. All right. And everybody's out there by the pool standing around, you know, and what's his face there? Pablo Escobar standing there. You know, everybody's ignoring the weight that he's putting on as he sits there in his fucking Hager action slacks. You know, he seemed to like those. He stretched and, uh, you know, still tucked him in right at the waist. You know what I mean?

He tucked him right in the waist, didn't push the pants down, didn't do the fucking shirt on tucked. He tucked it right in. And, uh, they said that he allegedly found one of his, uh, one of the people, you know, one of his, not his, but one of the maids. I don't know what allegedly was stealing. So they tied this guy's legs together and his arms behind his back and they threw him in the house pool and just watched him drown as everyone was standing there at the party. You know, I'd say there must have been a lot of ice shaking and drinks after that one. So is this a Victorian house?

Pablo? Mr. Escobar? I wanna go in the pool. Um, yeah, people getting their faces ripped off. Is it torture or death? They're like peeling their fucking faces back. This is not funny. This is not what this podcast is about.

Um, why is this fucking stealer Denver game so fucking boring? Is it because I have the sound down? I just don't give a fuck. The AFC is just a walking wounded. Rothesburg was a fucking man. Look at the guy just getting bumped by Lyman. He stays in there. That guy, he has like fucking, he stays in the pocket like Steve Grogan used to, used to stay in the pocket.

Did anybody remember that any old Pat's fans out there? You'd fucking sit there and this is back when you could literally, you could hammer a fucking quarterback. Drive you helmet right under his chin and then lift them off the ground and pile drive them into the fucking astroturf. Which is like getting tackled in a parking lot that's been painted green. And Steve Grogan, he would go back for a pass. This is back when he had that fucking neck brace and he had such a long neck. He could still see like six inches of neck, right? Even with the neck brace and there'd be some defensive Lyman just running full speed right at him.

And he would just hang on to it, hang on to it, hang on to it. And then he would throw the ball and the camera would follow the football and right as he let it go, you'd see just the beginning of that fucking Lyman drilling him. And he'd go flying right out the right side of your screen or left side, depending on which way he was going down the field to Stanley Morgan. You know, Russ Francis, one of those fucking guys, right? Harold Jackson. Who else did we have back then? I can't even fucking remember.

Hasselbeck. Hasselbeck, whose son was the one who said, we want the ball and we're going to score. Don Hasselbeck, I think was his dad. All right, anyways, where the fuck am I? Yeah, Rothesburg is like that. That guy stands in the pocket and takes a fucking hit. And speaking of which, too, I know there's a lot of Kansas City fans who probably pissed off

at the calls Tom Brady got and the lack of calls that Alex Smith got. And I'm a Patriots fan. You're absolutely right, but that is not Tom Brady's fault. Okay. And I'm hoping most of you guys in Kansas City can hear what I'm saying because you're not as upset because you got to see your baseball team win the World Series. All right, so you got that going for you. Half of your professional teams won championships this year.

That's pretty fucking good, right? Tom Brady earned those calls. Okay, this is the, if you want Alex Smith to get those calls in the future, in the future, he has to make the NFL owners a lot more money than he is. And that's just a simple fact. And people call it the Tom Brady rules. It isn't, it's the superstar rules. You know, Jordan gets away with the push, right?

When was the last time you Kobe Bryant, what does Kobe Bryant have to do to get, you know, well, he's not healthy anymore, but back in the day, you could be standing in the lane before the fucking game starts. And if he runs into you, that they're going to call it on you. He'd literally have to take, he'd have to fucking tie an axe to the front of his knee and fucking jump into you and cut your head off before, you know, there was a way to call offsetting they would have. It's just, it's just how it works.

But I have to say, as much as he earned the calls, that one where he was getting sacked, and he switched it to his left hand and threw it and they still gave him the call was fucking ridiculous. I, even as a Patriots fan, I was at home going, oh, what the fuck? Give me a break. But you know, I'll take it. Of course, I'll take it the same way you would have. But I don't care, just seems a great team. And they have, you know, Alex Smith, I think is going to be a really fucking great quarterback.

But you got to have it all, man. You got to have the coach and the ownership and all that bullshit. And lucky enough that we have that in New England. So there you go. That's me trying to not be a cunt. All right. And oh God, I can't wait to go home and watch that fucking Carolina Panther game. And I think you're going to see like all these people that they were saying are the heir apparent to fucking Tom Brady and Peyton Manning.

I think it's, I think it's what's his face there on the Panthers. I can't remember his fucking name. What is wrong with me? He went to Auburn, right? He does the Superman thing. Cam Newton. There we go. Anyways, oh, I didn't let you guys know this.

I'm supposed to read this shit here. But of course I got to type in my fucking password, which takes forever. I'm on for fuck's sakes. I got to have a fucking 20 letter password in numbers because God knows everybody wants to break into my computer and read my dick jokes here. Oh, Andrew asked you guys, he said, please ask the listeners to put relevant subject lines in their emails if they want them read. Putting hay doesn't help with a thousand thousands a week trying not to miss any of the good ones. Thanks. I probably could have nice and that up a little bit.

He sort of texted me that really quickly. Yeah, so if you guys have a subject, whatever, anything, fuck Tom Brady, Tom Brady rules or something like that. If you just do that instead of writing like, hey, dot, dot, dot, and then in the email, be like, what the fuck was with those calls? You know what I mean? Oh, Bill, we get it. And if you want to send an email that could possibly be read, or who's kidding who, stumbled upon by me, please send it to bill at themmpodcast.com. Also, if you'd like to follow the Monday morning podcast on Twitter, it's at themmpodcast. All right.

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Today, join that at dollarshaveclub.com. Sorry, I went a little light with the Dr. Covey's. I'm in a hotel room right now, and I don't need anybody knocking at the door. 13-9, what's going on here? The Broncos are knocking on the door here in the red zone. Who do you like? Who do you like? I think the Steelers are going to win this one. I just do.

I don't know why. I just think that they're going to win here. Of course, you don't know why, Bill. You barely watched any football this year. Oh, by the way, congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide. I can't believe I forgot to give them a shout out there. Nick Saban, five. Count them, five NCAA football championships.

This guy is beyond a legend. Beyond a legend. Unbelievable game. Congratulations to Clemson for getting there. I hope you guys get back again. I was rooting for Clemson, of course, just because it's fun to root against Alabama. I don't really hate those guys. It's fun to root against them because, you know, I just don't like piling on.

Anybody can just become a college football fan and just root for the best fucking team. I don't want to do that, right? And that fucking onside kick call. Fucking tremendous. What a call. And the way that they hit the whole thing. That was the game right there. Unbelievable.

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Here's a stat I had to look up, because Don Myrera sent me a text. I'm not trying to drop names here. By the way, I'm on his podcast this past week. Don Myrera sent me a text this morning. He goes, how many quarterbacks have you ever seen in the NFL have a Hail Mary pass, throw a successful Hail Mary pass once in their career, forget about twice in the same season.

And I had to go look it up. I was like, I got to find this out, man. I got to find out if anybody's ever done it. Because I was like, there's no way anybody's done it. In my lifetime of watching the last 30-something years of watching football. Holy fuck. I've been watching football for 38 years. Oh my god, I'm old.

I started watching it religiously in about 1978. Yeah, about that, 78, 79. Jesus fucking Christ. Put it this way, the first Super Bowl I watched was Super Bowl 12. And they're at 50. So there you go. Wow, this is going to be my... What would that be?

My 50, not 51st, you fucking idiot. My 39th Super Bowl, 50 minus 12, plus I watched 12. Right? Yeah, so there you go. There's a lot of people right now actually think I'm wrong, but it's true. It's my 39th I'm going to be watching. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. So I looked it up.

Successful Hail Marys, okay? There's only one guy that I saw since they started keeping the stat in 1975, at least on Wikipedia. I didn't go to the footballreference.com, which I love. The one guy who's ever done it twice since they kept the stats in 1975, Steve Bartkowski. Steve Bartkowski. And there's no way to picture Steve Bartkowski and not have this song go through your head. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air.

I never thought I could be so free. Throwing the ball to Billy White shoes, Johnson and to another guy. Yeah, he looked like the greatest American hero. He did it in 1978 against the Saints and then he did it again in 1983 against the 49ers in the NFC West, which back then was only four teams. It was the Los Angeles Rams, the New Orleans Saints, the Atlanta Falcons and the San Francisco 49ers. The quarterbacks of Steve Bartkowski in 1978. Steve Bartkowski, Archie Manning.

And then I think they had a quarterback controversy. Pat Hayden, Vince Farragamo back and forth. Before Vince Farragamo, I tried to take the money and went to the fucking CFL. Oh, Jesus. Never saw him again. And it would be Steve DeBurg or Jim Plunkett in 1978. I did this with fucking Joe Bartnick one time. We tried to name all the starting quarterbacks in the NFL in 1978.

We went around the league. So I think it was AFC East was Bert Jones, Bob Greasy, Steve Grogan, Richard Todd and Joe Ferguson for the bills. Then it was Terry Bradshaw, Dan Pastorini. Who the fuck was quarterback for the Browns? It was either Mike Phipps or Brian Sype. And then the Bengals was Kenny Anderson. Kenny the candle, as Collinsworth said. They call him Kenny the candle because one blow and he was out.

You ever see that one on NFL films and they cut to Kenny Anderson? He's like, oh fuck Collinsworth. And let's see was Craig Morton. I'll just do the AFC because I know this is fucking driving everybody nuts. But this is my fight. I have to do it now because now it's in my head. Craig Morton was with the Orange Crush Broncos. Ken Stabler.

Kenny Snake Stabler for the the Raiders. Dan Fouts. The great Dan Fouts. Eric Coriel with the charges. Jim Zorn with Seattle. And then ah fuck there's always one that gets me. Who the fuck was with the Chiefs? It was before Blackledge.

It was after Len Dawson. Who the fuck was the quarterback? There's a good one for you. There's some poor bastard in Kansas City right now screaming it. Who the fuck was it? I think like the Buccaneers had Gary Huff. Lynn Dickey was out in Green Bay. Jim Hart was in...

How the fuck do I remember those? I don't remember Kansas City. I gotta look this up. Kansas City Chief quarterback. Hey it's gonna get better guys. I played drums this week out and I played with Colin Hay from Men at Work. I'm gonna tell a story in a second here. Just fucking deal with this here.

Kansas City Chiefs QB 1978. Why do I care? Why do I fucking care? A list of Kansas City Chiefs QB. This is fucking made for me. Who's the last person who fucking went to this? Starting QB season to season. Jesus, they've had some guys here.

Joe Montana, Warren Moon, Rich Gannon. Alright, here we go. Here we go. Backing it up. Backing it up. 1970. I'd never get this. Mike Livingston and Tony Adams.

This is the one that always fucking gets me. Lenny Dawson left in 1975 and then Mike Livingston took over. You know, there was a guy who played for the Bengals that Bill Walsh was talking about. He only played for one season. He got fucking injured and Bill Walsh to this day still said he's the greatest quarterback that he ever coached. But he's probably still trying to motivate, or he was anyways, passed away. Probably still trying to motivate fucking Montana or a young, even after they retired. Get him to rake the leaves better that day or some shit.

I can't remember the guy's fucking name, but that's one to look up. Anyways, so yeah, this week I did a Greg Barron show at Largo and one of those things too. It's not quite like the goddamn comedy jam. This is one where they actually have people, for the most part, it's musicians coming out and telling funny stories. And this is something that Greg did a number of years ago and he's brought the show back. And so anyways, let me get the line up here. So I don't fuck this up. I did take a picture of it.

I'm so fucking disorganized. I apologize. Alright, so it was Colin Hay, Tom Morello, myself and Chris Fairbanks and other comedians. So it was two comedians and then two musicians. And I got to play with the band, told some stories, and I got to play with the band. And then afterwards I got to play with Colin Hay and we played Who Can It Be Now? Which was just beyond a fucking thrill. He was the nicest fucking guy, so generous to let me play.

Then he had this really cool way. Then he wanted to bring me out. He just went out there and was telling stories. He was fucking hilarious. And then he just randomly goes, you know, and I had the weirdest dream last night. I was dreaming. I was playing a show and I was playing Who Can It Be Now? And the crowd collapsed because it's such a huge hit.

And he goes, the weirdest thing. You know, Bill Burr was on drums like, you know, and I just waited a second. Then I just walked out and sat down. Everybody started laughing and then he told this great story. I'm not going to repeat the story just because it's his story. So I'm sure if he wants to tell it on a podcast, he can. But he tells this fucking hilarious story that ends with the word cunt. And he told me after I say cunt, basically you do the drum fill intro and then we'll go into the song.

And then we played it. And it went off. It went off pretty good, man. It actually, I don't know. It's fucking unreal, man. I played like 20 years by myself in a rehearsal space until it finally dawned on me that I'm supposed to be out interacting with other fucking people. So now, then I've kind of opened Pandora's box. I just, I told you, I made this rule that I'm not going to ask to sit in.

But if somebody asked me to play, I'm going to fucking play. All right. That includes if I come to your town and if I'm drinking in a bar, if I go out to a bar and your local band is playing, if you come up to me and ask me to sit in with your band, I'm going to fucking do it. All right. And this is a warning. It's a warning. I'm going to do it and I'm going to fuck up.

So, you know, if you want a story, I'll fucking do it because it's fun as hell to me and it's weird. I don't feel any pressure whatsoever because I'm a comedian. Well, what's the pressure? He's going to sit down and play drums. He's going to stink. Of course he is. Everybody already knows it. So it's fine.

Plus everybody just looks at the singer anyways, but it's, it's a lot of fun. And I've been getting psycho back into lessons and I told you I've been taking, I've been taking some lessons. Do you remember a long time ago when I watched that Mars Volta video and I was talking about that drummer who was Dave Elich at the time. I was going, holy fuck, look at this guy's fucking unbelievable. Blah, blah, blah. Well, from doing that, he must have heard the clip. He reached out to me on Twitter and lo and behold, he lives in LA and every once in a

while I go by and I take a lesson with the guy and he's a fucking unbelievable teacher and he's been teaching me techniques. So my, you know, I'm one of those guys, I grabbed the drumsticks the same way like a toddler would with just my meaty fucking fist, just right over both of them. And it was causing my arms to be doing all the work and my forearm. If any drummers are listening to this, if you have like that fucking, you know, that pain in your forearms and all that, you know, that's, I was kind of going through that shit. And he is teaching me this technique where you're letting the stick do the work and it's

holding it in this particular way that does not seem fucking natural at all. And it has been a motherfucker, but you know, incrementally, I've been gradually working its way into my playing and it's been, it's totally been worth it. And we've been going through this jazz book and like most students, like I work on something for three seconds and then want to go on to the next thing so I can have that sense of accomplishment and just get through a whole fucking page. And, and I was moving ahead and every time I'd go to the lesson, I would still not have the first thing down.

And I've been taking lessons, you know, on and off since the summer. And I get busy and I can't go for like a month or something, but I'm still on that first page and it finally dawned on me in the past week to be like, dude, just work on this one fucking thing and fuck everything else. And I just sort of sat down 15 minutes a day just working on this thing, you know, make it a little bit of an improvement and then being, fuck, having to start over and blah, blah, blah and all that shit. And I actually had a great lesson this week where I think he actually was saying that

I was just, I was finally starting to improve, which made my fucking week. So anyways, I don't know where the fuck I'm going with this. I'm rambling all over the place. What are we up to here? 45 minutes. Jesus Christ, Bill. Can we fucking get on with this here? Oh, by the way, somebody told me to watch the show Top Boy, T.O.P.

Boy on Netflix. I can figure out how to search when I'm on the internet. I can't fucking do it when I'm on the TV. How do you search when you're on the TV? If anybody knows, I would really appreciate it. But anyways, I'm going to be playing out again this week. I'm doing that Bonzo Bash thing. I'm hosting the Bonzo Bash co-hosting it.

I don't even know who I'm co-hosting with. It's going to be in Anaheim this Friday night. And Brian Tishy's wonderful event, where all these drummers that I grew up watching sit down and play Led Zeppelin songs, which is going to be the shit I'm going to get to host it. And with somebody else, it's going to be fucking awesome. So, and I will be sitting in for one song,

once again, risking total humiliation. But, you know, I'll probably make it ask myself, who gives a fuck, right? But anyways, oh, I know what I wanted to talk about. Fucking the Arizona Cardinals Packers game. I started to talk about it. And, you know, you would think last week, after watching that dude on the Bengals,

intercept the ball and then fucking walk into the locker room like, well, I guess that's that, right? You'd think that these damn kids today, they'd learned something. Patrick Peterson, who I fucking love, LSU kid, right? Incomplete fourth down, that ought to fucking do it. Two and a half minutes left. This guy's walking down the sideline,

waving to the crowd, doing damn near blowing kisses to the crowd like it's over, when he's playing the Packers in Aaron fucking Rogers. Fucking hilarious. Two and a half minutes of football left, and he's walking around doing that. Two minutes and 25 football seconds later, he gets beat on a jump ball in the fucking end zone

on a Hail Mary to send it into overtime. Fucking unbelievable. How many times is somebody going to fucking do that? How many times are you going to run down the field, you got the football, you're not past the goal line, you already start holding it out, and Don Bebe slaps it out of your hand, you fucking, you know, you spike it over,

you know, over your back, you know, that one where you throw it down over your shoulder, and you get big toes across the end zone, but the ball isn't. How many fucking times are you going to see people do that? I just don't understand why. I don't get it. So anyways, let's plow ahead here.

All right, here's some of the questions or the letters for this week. All right, pasta. Bill, if you want to get good at making pasta, of course I do. Begin with Gennaro Contaldo's videos on food tube. All right, I don't know if I said, I probably didn't say it right.

It's G-E-N-A-R-R-O, and then the last name is C-O-N-T-A-L-D-O-S. No, D-O, apostrophe S, Contaldo's. The guy taught me so much, I even wished him a happy birthday. Also, pay attention to sorts of flour you're using. Cheers to you and your Mondays. Yeah, what's going on?

Some people use flour. Some people use that semolina. Some people use a mixture of both. I like doing it. I think it goes back to when I was a kid. I was one of those kids playing in mud puddles. You know what I mean? So it was just something about that.

I think that's why I like making pie crust and shit like that. It's just a big, gooey fucking mess. It's fun, but I'll definitely, I'll check that out if I can get online here. All right, cooking Asian food. All right, Bill, how are you? You freckled cunt. Jesus. Jesus. No happy new year.

Huge fan from Belgium here. Nice, Bedlam in Belgium. ACDC, flick of the switch album. How many fucking balls are you going to drop on Peyton here? This could be his last game ever. What are you doing? Jesus Christ. And when did shoulder pads get so small?

Have you seen shoulder pads on people in the fucking, the shoulder pads were so big the shirt didn't even cover your belly. He's running around with half shirts on. By the way, can Gronk pull his pants up or get a longer fucking jersey? He's starting to look like a waitress at Hooters. All right, huge fan from Belgium here.

I'm saying he's showing his mid-drift. That's probably the wrong reference. Who knows? You know the little ass country that people know about because of Austin Powers? Oh, I thought, I knew them from, I thought that's not Brussels. The muscles from Brussels that was the guy,

who's the guy who used to do the splits? The fuck is the guy's name? He wasn't, I must break you. He wasn't Steven Segal. Who's the other guy from Bloodspoir? Who gives a fuck? Belgium. Yeah, Luxembourg and Belgium, right?

Right there, tucked in there. Right there, battle of the bulge. Right there in France and not Germany. My nuts? In between Amsterdam and fucking Denmark there. Copenhagen. You're tucked right there, staring at the fucking bad teeth of the English, aren't you?

Looking across the channel. Maybe you're not. Maybe if I had a map I could find it, you know? All right. Loved afters, efforts for family. Please come to our freckle of a country. Dude, I'm definitely going to go there. I'm definitely going to go there.

Without a fucking doubt. We're waiting to hear about the second season for efforts for family. The pitch went fucking great. Went out of there, we were all excited. I got a great feeling about it, and I'm going to let you guys know as soon as I find out but I got a good feeling about it.

And I'm definitely going to do a European tour. I did Australia and Asia last year. So this time, it's time to head the other way. I'm going to do Europe this time, and I want to hit all the countries I've been to. I'd like to add a few more, and I also want to do a little bit of Eastern Europe. But if we do get a second season,

I don't know how many episodes that would be. I think it'd be at least 10, and then we got to sit down and write them. And if we want to make it as good as the first season, and even better, which of course we do, it's going to take a lot of time. So I've got to kind of figure out, once they give us the yay or nay on that,

but like I said, I've got a really, really, really positive vibes. A lot of laughs in the room, which is always good. So anyways, he said, the guy says, anyway, I've heard you talking about cooking more Asian food. Oh wait, this is a different one. Oh, it's the same guy, sorry.

This is the same guy from Belgium, because anyways, I've heard you talking about wanting to cook more Asian food on your podcast. Since I love cooking as well, please allow me to recommend you some. Korean cuisine has a lot of spicy food. Oh yeah, kimchi and all that stuff. Yeah, I've been to those, Korean barbecue and all that stuff.

I love all of that stuff. But it's just so different from the stuff here, I'm really intimidated about cooking it. Which is so stupid, you know. I'm afraid of it. I should just sit down and be like, okay, let's start with something easy. How do you make the sticky rice?

You know, if you could just make sticky rice alone, that's the shit, right? That's the best fucking rice there is. I don't want to hear anybody tell me it's not fucking healthy. I don't give a fuck, you know. It's fucking delicious. Korean cuisine has a lot of spicy food, which is great for losing weight.

But you tend to be full more quickly and drink more water. Plus a lot of other health benefits. If you are interested, please check out, it's M-A-A-N-G-C-H-I on YouTube. Oh, I gotta do this. I go, I guess this is a lady. She's a Korean housewife who is funny as hell and learns, teaches you.

You said learns you how to cook. It's teaches. Teaches you how to cook great traditional and overall easy recipes. Now you gotta teach me some Belgian words. I gave you one there, huh? Recommendations are Belgian words. Belgianium.

Recommendations are spicy pork stir fry. Jingsing chicken. I don't know how to say this. It's J-A-J-A-M-E-O-N-G. J-A-J-A-M-E-O-N-G? That sounds like an annoying character in fucking Star Wars. Which is black bean sauce, noodles, some other shit that I can't say.

Korean barbecue, which I bet you've had before. Yeah, I have. What is that, the hacky American thing? I've had Korean food. I went to Korean barbecue. I literally just said that. Japanese cuisine is mostly salty, sweet, and umami. What does umami mean? Is that umami burger?

Flavors, lots of vegetables, no butter, soy sauce, which is amazing for you, and rich, and rich taste. Yeah, I gotta tell you, man, people when I went over to Asia, man, they were fucking in shape. People are just in shape over there. You know? I bet if you're fat in Asia, they just mean, look at that rich motherfucker.

He must be traveling. He's got enough money to get to an Applebee's. Fucking... Ah, I'm too tired. I didn't want to say Applebee's. Applebee's is not a fattening place, is it? That's a good thought. Jesus, Bill, just wrap up the podcast, okay?

If I'm going to be this off right now, what the fuck's going to happen when I go to do my shows tonight? Alright, now Chinese food, I don't know a lot about. Cool to know is that Chinese food in the States and Europe is not actual Chinese food. No, it isn't. That's their surreptitious way of trying to fucking kill us. That's what they're trying to do.

They have the bomb, right? They're... Chinese attacking us on two levels right now. Giving us food that's going to give us a heart attack and they're going to fuck with our economy somehow. Somehow we're tied in with them and they're going to pull the fucking rug out. Anyways, he said it's modified for our taste buds,

but I'm guessing they have amazing stuff too. Yeah, I would think so. No, fuck, am I getting the hiccups here? Thai and Vietnamese food is mostly spring rolls. Jesus Christ, you're going through the whole continent here. Let me get some water. Ah, fuck. Completely missed the glass.

Fucking bad angle here. Lastly, okay, no, Thai and Vietnamese, mostly spring rolls, spicy curry. I love how a guy from fucking Belgium is telling me about Asian food. Are you at least Asian? Lots of coriander, which I personally detest because it tasted of dishwater product.

Dishwasher product. I mean, I'm not sure if it's Asian, but I think it's Asian. Dishwater product. Lastly, if you really want to go hardcore, try out North Korean food. It's basically starving yourself. You'll be able to see your ginger-pube ding-dong

without a mirror again in no time. Pretty edgy, huh? Yes, you're making fun of the fact that they're under a dictator that doesn't feed them. Very edgy, very edgy. Hope this helped. Go fuck yourself.

Lots of love for Nia. Oh, shit, I guess I'll give that... I love how Asia stops with people that we can... It doesn't go into India. That's also Asia, right? Isn't the Middle East, isn't that also Asia? Russia? You know?

I saw that guy in fucking Forrest Gump. Hey, Billy Bean. Been a fan of the podcast for a while. Now, yada, yada, I need some advice or just a fresh perspective on what to do. I'm 23. Ah, yeah, the prime of your life.

Dropped out of high school like a dipshit at 17. Got my GED when I was 19. Ah, you're back in the game! You're back in the game! And I decided to start becoming a productive member of society. Everything was going good. Paycheck meant the dating pool opened up.

Tried a few jobs, etc. But now I'm 23. I quit my job to go to school for advertising, slash art at an artsy college. I mentioned the only thing I'm truly good at is art, mainly pen and ink stuff. Dude, that's a great thing.

And you can make a ton of fucking money doing that. It's just that schools, generally speaking, are not geared towards that. So yeah, you were fucking bored. And then you took shit that you weren't good at, made you feel like an asshole. You fucking dropped out. You partied

for a few years. Right? Banged a couple of whoos, and now you're coming back. Dude, you're fine. You're 23, dude. You're fine. That was eight months ago. I missed the sign update and just lacked the general knowledge slash support

on going about it. I spent six months grinding the living shit out of drawing, trying to achieve something. I might be able to take some pride in. Didn't work. I was just going to say, you're being too hard on yourself. Your next line is, I'm hard on myself to the point where I'm thinking

I'll never be handed a medal as the greatest that ever fucking lives. So why bother? Ah, Jesus, dude. Well, listen. Richard Pryor is the greatest of all time, and I'll never come close to that guy. That's not going to stop me.

You just try to see how close you can come. Some people, you can't pass. And that's all right. You know, you just try to come as close to him. Try to just like try to go as high up the all time ladder as you possibly can.

And who knows if you keep pushing yourself. Listen, you you don't know what your limits are until you keep fucking throwing yourself out there, especially if you're hard on yourself. You're probably being way way better than you think you are. You're going to be fine. All right.

You're depressing me here. Anyways, I've since quit drawing and now do nothing but troll around dating sites all day and hooking up with semi decent looking women as a way to stay positive and cure boredom. I'm not lazy. I've done primarily manual labor jobs

and no, I have the back for it. But Jesus Christ, I can't force myself to pull the trigger on anything because I can't be the top of the crop or the very goddamn best. I won't be fulfilled. I've been standing at a crossroads, my dick in my hand for nearly a year. Any sort of advice

to be fucking amazing. Don't hold back. If you think I need to be ripped a new one, I can handle it. Thanks. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude, you've got yourself into a completely paralyzed state here because it's like you got it. You just bought a guitar and because you're not Jimi Hendrix within the first two weeks, you're going to fucking

quit. All right. If Jimi Hendrix did that, he wouldn't be Jimi Hendrix. All right. All right. Look, just if you whatever you like to do in life, just go out and do it. All right. And enjoy it and don't put that level

of pressure on yourself. Like what was your dad like the great Santini or something? I'm trying to figure out why you like this, but like the reason why you can't pull the trigger on anything else in life is because you actually have a strong, I think you have

a strong sense on what makes you happy and what you want to do. All right. And you know that despite the fact that you're being totally negative about your drawing, you know that that's what you want to do and you have such a passion for it that you're that hard on yourself

and then also it's preventing you from getting a job at the fucking Costco or wherever the goddamn place you're going to end up fucking working at. I would I don't know if I was you, I would continue drawing. I'd get into computers and all that. There's all kinds of stuff. I've seen

people do drawings on computers and they turn that into building websites which helps to pay for their studio and the shit that they really want to do. There's tons of money to make in the arts. Don't let anybody ever fucking tell you that there isn't. Just helping people make it

in show business. All right. People who get headshots give acting classes and all that just doing that shit. People make a small fucking fortune. So if you're actually a talented artist, you can actually

you're going to be fine. You just have to stop beating the shit out of yourself. All right. So just pay attention to that voice in your head. I want to tell you you can't do something. Just tell it to shut the fuck up. Basically, even if you have to say it out loud just make sure you're not looking at somebody

you care about as they're telling you a story when you're thinking those thoughts just maybe say it in your brain first. All right. Okay. Advice no one to relate to. Jesus these are fucking gloomy this week. All right. Advice no one to relate to causing

loneliness. All right. Hey, Billy Bats. Love the podcast. You stand up. They all put a smile on my face. Well, that's great. Okay. I'm sensing that all of a sudden now the smile is going to go away. I hope you read this because

my problem is I have no one to relate to and I fear I might as well read this here. I hope you read this because I've been doing everything positive, but I just can't seem to get my life where I want it to be. It's a bit of a long road. Just bear with me. Oh fuck. Is this a long email?

Dude, you know I can't read out loud. All right. My problem is I have no one to relate to and I fear I might be caught. This might be causing me to be lonely in life. I fear that if I continue the way I'm going, I may never get over

it. I'm in my last semester of college in an engineering program and have made almost no friends throughout my entire state at college. I am at the top of my classes and I'm lining up jobs at big tech companies. Now you're probably imagining some point extra with the pocket protector

and all that. Actually I was. That's exactly. That was the picture you were painting, sir. Quite the opposite actually. I've been working out for a few years now and I am one of the jacked people in my classes. All right, so now on picture is that dude

in American Psycho. Highly achieving, totally shredded, cannot relate to human beings. I dress well, eat healthy. Please tell me you don't listen to Huey Lewis in the news. And always make sure

to keep myself clean. I feel like I might alienate my classmates from interacting with me. They probably think I'm just a jock in their class where it's quite the opposite. I'm into gaming, chess and all of that. Dude, you're like a fucking renaissance man here. So I figure I might try to

interact with the opposite crowd, the non-geeky people. I know a way to meet people is to get out there and do something I like doing. Playing some sport or joining a club or volunteering. The problem is with my program and my work I have little time to be doing much else. The only free time I have is Friday or Saturday

nights that I spend by myself playing video games or playing guitar because I have nothing else to do. Well, you could go out those nights. All right, it wasn't always this way. This is like a movie. When I was in high school, my life was completely the opposite. I didn't work out, eat

healthy, work hard or nothing. But I always found ways to make new friends, make people laugh and start conversations. Now that I'm doing everything right, it seems my only problem is social. Ah, Jesus Christ, dude. So you know what you're doing. You're just too busy. I fear once I graduate college things will only get worse. I lost all of my family

apart from my older brother who is in another country. So once I graduate college I'll truly be alone. No one to grab a beer with. No one to help me move or anything. Help me move or anything. Despite all this I try to be positive and thankful for what I have and what I have accomplished. Sorry for the long email. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude.

You just look, you already know how to make friends. You need to make time to do it. Playing video games by yourself is very antisocial. Playing guitar is always cool. That's fun. Why don't you play guitar with somebody else? Find somebody who plays drums or play bass. Get together, do some covers.

You know, jam. Fuck around. Drink some beers. Invite some ladies over. Every week you just add some more shit, right? Start taking bets. Open your own fucking DraftKings. Maybe start selling Coke. Just keep

expanding your ring of social interaction. I'm obviously fucking with you, but no. There's a bunch of people that are into video games. Why don't you find somebody that you can play against? Can you do that anymore? Do kids do that or do you have to go online

to do it? You know? Is that like corny now? Two people not sitting next to each other with an Atari with the joystick and the one red button? Are we past that? I don't fucking know, but it seems like you know how to do that stuff. You just got busy

and with all your achievement, you know, sometimes, you know, when you go after a goal, some things suffer. All right? I've talked about this numerous times when I was on you know, when I was 36 years old, I was fucking living alone in a studio apartment that they called

the one bedroom sleeping on a futon. I remember days just going by, going, what the fuck have I done? The only thing I've worked on is trying to become a comedian. Everything else is at the starting line. And over the next 10 years, I just worked on some shit like that. So that's all you need to do. All right? Jesus

Christ, I'm starting to feel like Dr. Phil here. All right. What do we got here? Third goal. Broncos have the ball with three minutes left. I'm doing a fucking podcast. Touchdown, Broncos! All right. All right, Broncos. Now here you go. Celebrate and act like a bunch of fucking

idiots when Ben Roffelsberger has three minutes left. This one is not over. All right, so what does this do? This puts them up by five. I hate people in the crowd holding up two fingers, like the crowd's going to look at them. Oh, yeah, yeah. We should go for two, shouldn't we? We shouldn't

just be up by six. Thank you. Thank you, you and the fucking mezzanine level. Ah, fuck. Are we going to have to go to Denver? Is this going to be one more? One more. Brady, either way, this is going to be

great. Either you get to see Brady versus Peyton Manning one more time. I'm assuming he's retiring, which is stupid. Or you get to see another Patriots Steelers matchup with fucking Big Ben.

Big Ben. Not afraid of anything. Big Ben. Both great teams. All right, that's the podcast for this week. I apologize that my head was kind of all over the place. I don't know what flying and going to the fucking airport does to me. But

it makes me even more fucking scatterbrained. Let's go fuck yourselves and I will talk to you on Thursday. All right.