Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-19-15

Episode Date: January 19, 2015

Bill rambles about the prevent defense, divorcing Lady Gaga and a little Babe Ruth.

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Monday! What is today? It's January 19th. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm actually taping this on Sunday 1st down! I'm watching the Patriots right now, they're up 14-7. 4 minutes to go in the fucking 2nd quarter, Joe! Joe, what are you supposed to be, fucking Paul Revere? Your fucking goddamn colonial hat! Alright, I gotta be honest with you guys, I already recorded a podcast this week with a very special guest.

But it's a famous drummer. And I think it's going to be too much of a drumhead thing for... All you guys are just like, are you listening to me talk about sports? So I'm going to do a quick one here Monday and then I'm going to have... I have an interview with Chris Layton from... Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble back in the day from Ark Angels. I saw him touring last year, came through the Greek with Kenny Wayne Shepherd. He does that Hendricks review thing and he's actually in town here in LA working with Stephen Stills.

So if you're into drums and you know it's not the only thing that we talk about, but we talk about his time coming up and making it and pushing through. People being negative, little talk about whiplash in there. I think it's a really interesting podcast, even if you don't play drums. And he got me some hilarious... A couple hilarious gifts and then one unbelievable one because he's such a great guy. So please tune in, I'll post that probably on Wednesday of this week. So let's start talking some...

Put it up, put it up. Make me a fucking sandwich. Lady, lady, please. Hey, get in the kitchen and make me a fucking sandwich. You're watching a goddamn game. You know what, houses are so close together out here, I shouldn't be yelling stuff like that. You know, I shouldn't... Yeah, look at me again. I'll give you another one. Let's see if I can get the cops coming to my house. I shouldn't do that.

Like Garrett Blunt for a first down. Sorry, I'm not going to do that, but I do have the game on here and I actually have to... I don't know, I got a ton of shit I got to do tomorrow. So anyways, what do we do here? What do we do? I got to tell you something right now. I was... I watched the Green Bay Seattle game and I am over it, but I was absolutely fucking sick at the end of that game. Not out of like a hate in Seattle kind of thing.

It was just that fucking prevent defense, prevent offensive. I just, for the life of me, I mean, it has to work. It has to, it has to work. Not only does it have to work, it has to work way more times than it doesn't work for them to continue the insanity of playing football for 50 fucking minutes, 55 minutes, and then in the end you just play not to lose. That I... Green Bay went into Seattle. They shut up their crowd.

They handled... They manhandled them through the first half. And then when... You knew Seattle was going to come back and have a surge. And they handled that five minutes to go. They pick off Russell Wilson for the fourth fucking time. You got the ball back. All right, let's fucking eat up some clock. What... What did they do? They run the ball into the ass of their center three fucking times and then punt it.

I didn't think they took a minute off the clock. The whole game. Hey, you got Aaron Rodgers as a quarterback. Does he all of a sudden not know how to throw a fucking ball? This guy's a Super Bowl champion. Do you think he's fucking nervous? The whole game you're playing to win. The whole game you're playing to win.

And then in the end you're... It was fucking unbelievable. I can't imagine what it'd be like playing for the fucking Packers. Aaron Rodgers taking those play calls. You know? All right, man. Five minutes to go. What are we doing here? Are we going to dump it off to run it back?

We're going to post pattern. What are we doing here? Run the ball up the middle. Okay, all right. Yeah, I get it. Burn a little clock here. Ready, ready, set up. Time out.

Two seconds. Three seconds off the clock. All right, coach. Second down to ten. What are we doing? Huh? We throwing the ball here, right? What are we going to do?

A little play action fake? Freeze the linebackers? Do something here? May we pick up five, six yards? Run it up the middle. Really? All right, hey, you're the boss. Ready, Omaha.

Tackle. Time out. Another two seconds off the fucking clock. Third down and ten. All right, the fucking Aaron's warming up his arm. What are we doing here? Come on. Who am I throwing it to?

Run it up the middle. Are you fucking serious? The fuck are we doing, right? You don't want to throw the ball? Run it into the ass crack of your center. This is a recording. Green Bay kick. Blue 54.

Set. Over. Seattle doesn't take a timeout. Green Bay kicks the ball away. They take off fucking 50 seconds. 55 seconds off the clock. Then what do they do? Are they going to go back to play in football

and get up in their grills? Rush fucking Russell Wilson put them on his back like they have been the whole guy. Fuck that. I got a better idea. Let's go into the prevent. Let's go into the fucking prevent defense, which is basically we don't want them to score on one big play.

We'll protect the sidelines. We'll give them the middle in 15 to 20 yard chunks while they burn the clock or burn their timeouts. That's the philosophy. So basically you don't give it up on one play. You give it up on six plays and you make every quarterback, every quarterback who's ever faced a prevent defense immediately looked how Joe Montana or John Elway

or Roger Starback used to look in the final two minutes of the game when they actually played fucking defense as far as I remember. So Seattle goes right. You know what? And I am literally, where's my phone? I fucking was texting Paul Verzi. You want to hear my tweets during the end of this fucking game? All right, here we go.

Let me scroll. Jesus, they're coming in chunks, coming in chunks. Let's see here. All right. This is me after I watched them run the ball into the ass of their fucking center, three plays in a row and then punted all capitals. What a fucking waste of a possession.

They are now going to ruin it. Oh, not that they're not. I think they still had one more run to go. They are now going to run it. They just got Seattle's just going to take a timeout, fucking eight seconds off the clock. Now they've kicked the ball. I write, what was the strategy there?

Get the other team to use all their timeouts. They aren't even going to burn a minute off the clock on four fucking plays. Paul writes back, I know. Now Seattle has the ball and I text, they are literally going to get, they're going to give this team a touchdown just so they can burn off time from the clock.

I can't tell if that is good coaching or it is done by the league to give every game possible a dramatic ending. This is when I'm sitting there going, I'm a comedian. What the fuck do I know about prevent defense? All I know is a fan watching. Now obviously they scored.

I wrote fucking joke. Versey wrote wild and he said no TD. Thank God. Oh, that's when they threw it to Marshawn Lynch, who by the way, it's the closest thing I've seen since Earl Campbell. Watching an entire defense try to tackle that man is like, you haven't been drunk with your friends

during the summertime and all the windows of your car is down. And you got everybody gets out of the car on a small hill and all of a sudden you notice the car starts rolling and everybody grabs onto it, sliding in their tennis shoes, trying to stop it. Eventually you fucking do.

That's what it's like watching a defense try and stop Marshawn Lynch. It's fucking amazing. Then I go every fucking game, Paul, every fucking game that stupid strategy makes every team look like the 49ers in 1989. Okay. Now Green Bay. Okay. Now I don't want to read all this whole fucking thing.

It's just basically I'll read the excerpts. It's the dumbest fucking strategy I've ever seen in my life. Green Bay Packers deserve this. Their fans don't. Then in the end, travesty and Versey said the problem was they kicked a gut field goals instead of touchdowns. There's nothing wrong with that.

If you're playing against the defense, I feel is good is Seattle's. You got to take what they're going to give you. All right. You kick the field goals, and then your defense was answering the call. They answered the bell, whatever the fucking cliche is,

and you had the fucking game one. Green Bay had the ball back. They had the ball. They had their fucking destiny in their hands. Go for a first down. They, if they got two first downs, three first downs, that fucking game is over.

All right. Sorry. I'm back. I'm back. I actually knocked my recorder off. I was saying I'm so fucking old that when I see people who run like me, how bad I run, they've played 17 years of quarterback and blew out an ACL. Anyway, so I, at the end of the game, watching them,

watching them lose that game the way they did. First of all, congrats. I didn't even say congratulations to Seattle. Congratulations. I mean, it's not your fault. They stopped fucking playing. And I guess to say that, I'm taking away from your victory,

but I'm sure you've seen your team. I think every football fan, you've seen your team do that. You've seen your team just playing football. I'm not giving it up an inch. I'm right up on you. Fuck this. We're winning this game.

And then you go to this whole like, well, you know, I'll give you like, we'll give you 10 yards, 15 yards, but that's it. I mean, just, it's just the exact, I don't know, the mentality of it. I just don't, I don't understand it. It makes,

you know what it is about the prevent defense? No game is out of reach. You have to be like fucking up 21 points. But if it's below 20, all of a sudden, within five minutes, if you're going to play that way, it just seems like everything all of a sudden is in reach. And then the announcers like,

dramatic, a turn of, who never thought what? When you start playing 20 yards off a guy, when you stop calling any imaginative plays on offense, and even Troy Aikman on the third time was going like, you know, I got to feel like they're going to run in here and keep it on the ground. It's like, everybody knew it.

When you got two standup comedians texting what the Green Bay Packers are going to do next, that's probably not a good sign, as far as if you're going to try and win a fucking game. Dude, I was so, I was so upset because I felt like the pay, you know, I'm not looking past the Colts either.

I know obviously anything can happen. But if we were going to go to the Super Bowl, I got to think that for whatever reason, we matched up better with Green Bay. I just feel that the fact that we get, for the most part, no pressure on the quarterback, and you got Russell who's so mobile,

that would present a problem. And then we suck against the run for the most part and Marchand Lynch, even if you're good against them, it takes at least what, like six, seven people, just to kind of slow them down. And Seattle's defense is unbelievable, as annoying as they are,

how they stand over every person after they tackle them as if that person has never been tackled before. And as annoying as all those bandwagon fans are, which was hilarious to see them locked out. You know nobody who was at the King Dome back in the day left that game. You know goddamn well, they were going to stay there even if they were going to lose. They would have sat there and they would have cried,

like a real fan, and then walked out to your car with your head down. Wow, it was always next year, right? I have a tremendous amount of respect for that organization. I mean, obviously the team that they put together was incredible. But I would like to win the Super Bowl, so I would like to give my team the greatest chance. So I was, that was not the damn team that I wanted to play.

But it's not even that they, Seattle won, it was the way Green Bay lost, and I had to get in my fucking Prius. Fucking go for a drive. And I ended up in an Italian restaurant. They make homemade pasta, right? And I was right before dinner and they hadn't made, they were in the process of making the pasta in their sauce.

So I got a salad and then just a couple of meatballs and sat there and had a scotch. As the Patriots were playing, recording the game, just dumbfounded how I watched Green Bay lose that fucking game. And somewhere halfway through that scotch that I was drinking, it just became hilarious that my team was playing, and I was so distraught over two other teams that aren't my team.

That didn't knock my team out and that I wasn't even watching my team, even though I was recording it. And just that whole thing of like, why the fuck, why do I care this much? And I don't know, it just kind of struck me as funny. Then of course I'm talking to the bartender, you know, he doesn't give a shit about, well, I guess maybe he could give a shit.

He just needed money so he was working. I just assume if you're taking that shift, you could at least fake sick or whatever. So anyways, Jesus Christ, two weeks in a row. At least it wasn't a bad call, man, but what the fuck? What the fuck? Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. I don't have any questions or anything this week.

How far into this? I don't even know how many fucking minutes I'm into this because I didn't look at the first one. Should probably, my condolences, not only to Packer fans, but any fan of a fucking team that had to sit there and watch your team have a game one and then go into the prevent defense. I'm really actually gonna listen to sports talk radio

tomorrow morning to try and have some, hopefully somebody will explain it. There's another one I don't get. Five seconds left in the half. For some fucking reason, you squib kick it. So then they get the ball in the 40. Like how big a threat is that guy back in the end zone? What are the odds he's gonna take it to the 40?

If they wanted to, they probably won't, but if they wanted to, they could just fucking heave it to the end zone with Andrew Luck's arm, right? I don't know. I don't fucking get it. Well, Bill, you're a comedian. You're not supposed to get it.

Oh, go fuck yourself. So anyways, I got a crazy week coming up here. You guys remember a long time ago, I did a movie out in New Orleans called Black or White that started, oh, they took a knee. It's another thing. Why don't you throw the Hail Mary? They used to do that.

What is the problem? Anyways, I really sound like a crabby old man. Why don't they do it the way they used to do it? All right, so I did a movie a year and a half ago. Called Black or White, starring Kevin Costner, Octavia Spencer, and directed and written by Mike Binder. And it's finally coming out. It's coming out on January 30th.

And so we're doing all the promotion, all the press and all that type of stuff this week, which should be hopefully a good time. So I got a bunch of that type of shit coming up. And I'm going to be on Real Time with Bill Maher on Friday. Then after that, on Saturday, I leave for my... What the hell am I going? I go to Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Hong Kong, Mumbai,

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Oh, I did another one of the goddamn comedy jams this weekend with Josh Adam Myers. And we actually did, I did a Pantera song. Cowboys From Hell was the song that I chose to do, despite the fact that I don't play double bass. And my double bass playing was pretty horrific, but it was way better than I was before I decided to do that song. I dressed up like Vinny Paul. I made an ass of myself, but it's fun.

You know what was cool was I sat down behind the kid. I wasn't nervous at all. Well, which is a good thing because usually there's a, you know, because I'm stepping outside myself, but you know, you just keep doing it and doing it and all of a sudden just becomes, oh yeah, I'm doing this show again. I've done it before. I know what I got to do, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And you know, it's funny, the sound was really bad. We were outside in a tent. It's way better when it's when they have the show over on La Brea, because you can actually, you know, the sound was tremendous. They had to turn down the sound because we were playing riot fest, some sort of comedy festival that they have in downtown LA. And people were complaining about the noise, not even from the music.

They were complaining about how loud the stand-ups were. I guess there was a apartment building right next door. So my apology to those people, but yeah, I went up there and I had a, I had a good time. So I have no idea what the next one I'm going to do is. If you guys have any requests, you know, I'm basically asking you guys to give me an idea of what song I should fucking play next because I'm kind of out of ideas. I played a Zeppelin one, just like John Bonham,

Motley Crue, Tommy Lee, and now I did Pantera. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, let the double bass go. I don't want to do another double bass song, but if anybody knows a good one, if you learned how to play double bass, obviously starting with Vinnie Paul is not an easy thing. If you know a Pantera song that, because if you play double bass, I would imagine that Cowboys From Hell is pretty straightforward.

As far as the tempo is not that bad. If you know something else along those lines, that's sort of the next thing. Because I always felt like if you're learning how to play drums, for me, if you learn, if you're a white guy and you're playing rock drums, for me, it was, you started with AC DC, right? You learned the whole four on the floor, two, four fucking thing, right? And then the next thing I would do

is then you move to like Guns N' Roses, Appetite for Destruction, or maybe you went up to Charlie Watts, if you're going to baby step your way up. So it's a little more busy bass drum, you know? And then I would go Appetite for Destruction, and then from there, it would basically be like whatever direction you wanted to go in. Here I am talking about drums again. I don't know what I'm supposed to be talking about.

I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to be talking about here. Anyways, hey, I saw that movie Boyhood. Did you guys see that shit? It's pretty interesting what they have. Basically, they shot the movie over 12 years, and you get to watch this little boy that they cast grow up. Oh my God, here we go again. Domestic violence and sexual assaults are hard subjects for everyone to talk about.

So let's show all these people crying. I don't like it when people get raped. Who does? What are they going to do next? Funerals, where you actually cared about the person who died or hard to talk about, and then I have to watch people crying. For the love of God, who are those fucking commercials for? There's the person who sexually assaults,

someone just sees Hillary Swank crying and then goes, you know what, I'm going to stop sexually assaulting people. I don't, I don't, for the fucking life of me. Who doesn't care about victims of basically anything? What are they trying to move me to do? What are they trying to do? I think they're trying to get my money on some level, right? So that they can siphon off 20% of it so they can go out and go buy themselves a pink Bentley.

And then they throw some money at the, you know, no more backhands, doc, org, whatever the fuck they're doing. I just, for the life of me, those fucking goddamn commercials. And as annoying as those are, I don't understand why you kick another team's fucking ass for 55 minutes and then decide to lay down on the goddamn ground for the final, your own choice. Your own fucking choice. God damn it. I liked it. I liked Seattle. I really liked that fucking team, but I just cannot stand all the fucking pomp and circumstance

around it. Did you guys see that they have two giant screams allegedly measuring how loud the fucking crowd is? I mean, isn't it enough that they built a fucking stadium to try to just hold those people's hands and to trying to sound like they give a fuck? What else do they have to do to coerce these people into cheering? Every goddamn game, they got to have some fucking war vet or fucking 80 act 1980s action hero come out and wave a fucking hankie to get them all excited. You're not excited. It's a fucking playoff game. You're going to try to be the first team to repeat in like 10 fucking years. That's not enough excitement. You know, you need Frank Stallone to come out there and swing a dirty diaper

over his fucking. Oh yeah, that's right. We're supposed to give a fuck. Worst dressed fans. Who are you going with? Honorary mentions got to be the black hole Oakland Raiders. That absolute fucking shit show of humanity. I would say Cleveland Brown's the dog pound if they put them on TV more. Remember that? When they used to bark at the camera and eat dog biscuits and you're supposed to sit at home going, wow, these people are crazy. They had money legal tender to buy football tickets and they went to their assigned seat. Jesus fucking Christ with the pretend crazy. I got to be honest with you. The person who's really just going to fucking knock you out and make you fucking,

you know, eat the rest of your meals for the rest of your life sipping through a fucking straw is not the guy that's dressed up like a dog or the dude with the spikes coming out of his fucking shoulder pads. It's going to be that quiet guy with the dirty hat. The dude with the neck tattoo. It's going to be that person because they know that they're crazy and they know that they're going to fuck somebody up. And the last thing they want to do is fucking put somebody in a coma and then run out of a stadium dressed like Big Bird because they're going to get caught. They want to blend in with the fucking crowd. Wouldn't you think? Am I out of my mind to think that shit? I have no idea. So anyways, I just heard a fucking plane

fly over my head. I'm actually studying for my exam next month to get my license and I'm not going to fly here for the next couple of weeks due to my schedule and all that type of shit. So I am literally studying, bringing my notebooks with me, taking practice tests. Oh shit, I should have had some of that stuff in front of me. I should have taken one of those goddamn tests, all this type of shit you have to know. If you're flying east to west and you slow down, which way is the needle going to point? Is it going to point down towards the south of the north on your fucking compass? I already can't even fucking remember I've answered that question so many fucking times I still forget. When you're flying east, when you fly east to west, you fly at an even altitude plus

500 west to east. You fly at an odd plus 500. So you wouldn't fly at 5,000. You fly at 5,500. If you're going the other way, you'd fly 4,500, not 4,000. All of that shit plus all this shit about the weather. All right, what do you got here? Second half is starting. How about fucking Amandola? Is this guy been stepping up or what? I was like most people, I thought the guy like every time he went to go pick up his helmet, he blew out his hamstring and all of a sudden I mean he had such a fucking, I didn't really talk about the game last week. I was so fucking on my period about the Des Bryant catch that wasn't a catch and I don't know. When am I going to learn I can't fucking have the TV on and try to fucking riff on this goddamn thing. You would think oh by the way

can we talk about that lady, the fucking lady. There's a woman out there. She fucking was married to a guy who was a billionaire. She's getting a divorce. The guy wrote her a check just under a billion dollars and she turned it down. Now I know what a lot of people are thinking what a fucking gold digging whore. This is right up Bill's alley. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to tweet a fucking link to this article and this will get him going on the podcast and then he'll have a shit fit and I'll laugh as I'm sitting in my cubicle. Well, surprise, surprise. I'm not really having a shit fit about this because I don't think it's about the money. This is the deal. This broad. All right, this fucking twinkle toes here.

All right, old little fucking sugar tits here. She married this guy. This guy was with 50 million bucks. He was an oil man. Get off my fucking property. There ain't no global warming. Good. I like that there's a hole in the ozone layer. Makes me feel like I'm closer to God. Right? He's an oil man. Hey, I'll tell you what, Mr. President, I don't even know why I have to call you Mr. President. I fucking put you in office with my goddamn money. Look at me when I'm talking to you, Obama. All right? My granddaddy put that dictator in fucking power and he was supposed to give us our little gold little shit there. Right? He's supposed to give us our liquid gold. Right? He ain't doing it no more. You got to go over there. You got to take that fucker out.

You understand me? I'll give a fuck how you do it. He's an oil man. It's a fucking oil man. All right, he's got Slim Whitman on the laser disc. Right? That's Irish. What was the fucking Slim Whitman? He sold over nine million records. Anyways, I'm all over the fucking map here. See, I'm back to me. I'm not looking at the TV anymore. So this fucking guy, he's got a $50 million business. He already has this and this woman does not sign a fucking. He doesn't sign a prenup with the woman. According to her, she didn't take the $1 billion payout because now 26, 27, 28 fucking years later, they're going for a divorce. This guy's company is worth $20 billion, according

to her. All right? Now here's the thing. She's like, I was with this guy and I supported him and I held down the fucking home front and all that. That's got to be worth something. This was fucking crazy to me. It's like, you know, with all due respect, sweetheart, this guy made 50 million without you. Okay? Look, I could see if the guy had a couple hundred grand in the bank. All right, maybe. All right, whatever. You know what I mean? If you make $50 million, give me a fucking break. If you started out with nothing and you're worth $50 million, you fucking, you know what you're doing. At that point, once you have $50 million, that's when, that's when you got your own, you're starting to have

your own plane. You're in a gated community. You got your own security system. You know, you fucking kill somebody and the cops go down to your house and they're talking to your lawyer in the driveway is just sitting there eating fucking escargot and an English muffin and they're asking your fucking lawyer. If you, if you wouldn't mind turning yourself in over the next six, seven days, you like that level fucking rich. And once you're that level rich, it's all fucking downhill. You meet the people that are running the world. You meet the people in the Bilderberg group. You meet them people in the other groups that I don't know about or what the fuck they talk about, but I pretend like I do. You're at that level of fucking wealth. All right.

So this fucking guy grows it to $20 billion and she gets a check for a billion just basically. And she says she doesn't want it. She wants more. So everybody's saying that she's a gold diggin whore. You know what I really think it is? And she's saying that she supported them and helped the bill and say, go fuck yourself. All right. Let's just say for whatever fucking reason, I met an unknown lady Gaga in the East Village 10, 12 fucking years ago. Right. And she's down there ripping off Madonna songs or whatever. I'm like, you know what, there's something about her though. You know, she's got nice legs. She's got a nice ass. I mean, I like the imperfections. I like the giant nose. Look at me. I got red fucking hair. It's falling

out. I think we can make a good couple. You know, we're both a mess. Two negatives make a positive. We'll make a beautiful baby. So I start fucking hanging out with her next scene. Now we follow like Garrett block. Go motherfucker. So then we think, all right. You know, we get married. Okay. And let's just say whatever I'm doing, I'm fucking, I make keys. That's what I do. That's my job. Okay. And she's out down there. She's down the village and she's fucking, you know, she's making her own meat dress. You know, she's going out, she's making money in a coffee house and she goes right to the deli and she buys more meat. She's investing in herself. She's building her career. She's playing the fucking piano. She's coming home and she's like, what

do you think of this? And I'm like, it sounds good, honey. Right. I'm over there. I'm knitting a fucking sweater. You know, I got a pot roast in the goddamn oven or whatever. Okay. And then she becomes Lady Gaga. I get to quit my fucking job. I'm Mr. Gaga. I get to go on Oprah and sit there silently, you know, as Oprah talks to Lady for fucking an hour. And then finally she says, well, what do you see at her? And then I already have some pre written speech about how I'm Gaga about Gaga. I'm Gaga for Gaga, whatever the fuck happens, right? And let's just say in the end, all of that, I'm walking down the fucking hall blinded by her gold records, platinum records and all that shit. Every morning when I go to brush my teeth, I got a fucking, I got to put on my, uh, my

amber visions just to get there. So I don't fucking walk into the walk-in closet instead of the bathroom. Let's say at the end of that, she gets sick of me and she kicks me to the fucking curb. All right. And let's say she's worth a hundred million dollars and she turns around and says, I'm going to give you, Bill, I'm going to write you a check. Let's do the same thing. Let's say to 20 billion, just say she's worth 20 million. And she says, Bill, I'm going to give you a million dollars. And you know what I'm going to say? I'm going to say, thank you, Lady Gaga. It was awesome. I enjoy, I was just making keys. I wasn't going to make a million dollars in my lifetime. All right. I'm going to take this money and I'm going to pay my taxes on it. I'm going to get

myself a little fucking house, you know, and I'm going to make keys in the back of it. I'm going to get my life back and I'm going to find God knows you gave me plenty of fuck. And I would buy, you know what I would do with that? I would go buy a fuck. Everybody needs keys. Touchdown Patriots! Who the fuck was that? Who just scored that? Nate Solder just scored his first touchdown ever. Nice. 23-7. Oh, did we match up better against the Packers? So anyway, oh, look at our, look at two cheaters talking there on the sidelines. Two convicted cheaters. That was a nice play. That was a nice play. How'd you like the video? I love the video. Anyways, you got to have a sense of humor about

your own fucking team, don't you? Most people don't, but I do. Anyways, so let's go back here. Yeah, she gave me a million bucks. What I would do is I would find a house that cost like, I don't know, like 150 grand, you know, and I would put down a ridiculous amount of money on it. And then I put the rest of the money away and I would start cutting keys again out of the back of my house. And I'd get that business going and I would fucking build it up. And then I'd go on to, instead of farmersonly.com, I'd go on like keymakersonly.com and I'd try to meet somebody else. That's what the fuck I would do. I would never try to take her money. I'd be like, you know what? I know I gave you support. I know I said that was a beautiful song.

I know you wrote a couple songs about us. Instead of Dear Ben, you wrote Dear Bill. I get it. But I can't sing. I can't play a fucking piano. Who's kidding who? We both know why I lived the life I lived for the last 10 years. It was because of you, Lady Gaga. And to think I got to live that life and in the end of it, you're going to give me a million bucks to leave. Yeah, you're a fucking saint. I still love you, Lady Gaga, even though you don't love me anymore. I get it. I didn't know why you loved me in the first place, but God bless you. That's probably why you write such wonderful songs that connects with an entire demographic of people. Continued success. Thank you for that million dollars. And I would fucking leave.

All right. I got too much fucking pride to sit there if somebody doesn't fucking want me to then try to take everything they got. I mean, just, I couldn't fuck. The second somebody doesn't want me around, I'm like, all right, Jesus, I didn't know I was annoying you. I get it. Sorry. Can I grab my things now? Do you want to want me to send somebody else? I would just get the fuck out of there. So anyway, so that seems to be, you know, this lady here that she got a billion dollars and she says it's not enough. What I honestly think it is, I just think it's an emotional thing for this woman. I don't think it's a money thing because you can't spend that. He can't spend all that fucking money.

Right. Did you guys, they actually showed a copy of the, of the check that this dude wrote to his ex-wife. He didn't write it on one of those business checks, you know, that are sort of extra long and the whole extra area, the memo section that you write stuff. He wrote it on like a personal little check, like the same kind of check, like, you know, somebody living week to week, those little checkbooks, he wrote a check for like 989 million, 899 thousand dollars and 31 cents, whatever the fuck it was. And I think what he did was this guy's obvious. I don't know what the fuck, maybe he's just good at business. I think he just sat down after they decided on the number. And I bet he did it right in front of her after 26 fucking years. Okay.

He's walking away. He's leaving and he just sits down and he's just writing money just to make her leave. And he just sits down and goes scribble, scribble, scribble, sign, sign, sign, dot the I cross the fucking T tears it out of you go beat it lady. I just think it came across like that. And it fucking pisses her off. And she's just like, this is the thing. The worst thing you can have when a woman's breaking up with you, or if you're breaking up with a woman is if she's not over you, if she's over you, it's going to go smoothly. You don't have to deal with her fucking, you know, putting up your pet rabbit in a goddamn stew. All right. But if they're not over you, you got to fucking let them down easy. You can't just push them down the emotional elevator shaft.

All right, you're gonna have a major fucking problem. And I think this guy he just fucking fired off to check like he was paying another bill. And she just was insulted by that. And she's think doing the math and I had like, you know, this motherfucker is gonna actually talk a little bit about this on the Chris Layton podcast. So I forgive me if there's a little bit of overlap, but I just want to hear what he thought about it. I think that I don't know. I just think that they want you, they want you to hurt. They just want you to hurt. I don't know what it is. Not all of them, just some of them. And I think that she didn't get a satisfied enough of a satisfied hurt look on this guy's face.

There wasn't enough pain. I think he just treated her like he had to get the gutters fixed and had some professional come over and did it. And he just fired off this fucking check and it just pissed her off now because she's more than taken care of for the rest of her fucking life. Anything she could ever want, she's, it's all good. But I think the fact that he still has so much more money and it didn't hurt him to write that check that and she knows that he has enough money to get like, you know, I mean, you got $20 billion. There's like a Victoria's Secret model that will pretend to give a fuck about you for a good year, year and a half. And you can do that for the rest of your life as you ride around in Ferraris. Now her, she's a woman, guys don't work

that way. We don't really give a shit about money. You know, we're more like enamored by looks. You know, it's both of our fucking weaknesses, whatever. You guys are into stuff. We're into fucking, you know, tits and ass. So which is why, you know, we will date somebody as dumb as a fucking rock and you will also date some ugly old balding douche, you know, because they can take care of it. It's it's kind of what we do. So I'm not really, a lot of people wanted me to go off finally. She's a gold dig in her. I don't think she is. I think she's, I think she's hurt. And she's hurt how easy this guy is just getting over. I know all you guys are sitting there going like, dude, what the fuck? He's writing her check for billion dollars. I know that hurts. Dude,

you got 20 billion dollars. Come on, man, if that's true, if it's true and you got 20 billion dollars, I'll write you a fucking check for a bill. That wouldn't hurt me at all. There you go. Bang, bang, boom, bait it. Whistle and Dixie. Jesus Christ, the fucking interest alone on that money. By the time you walk down the driveway or she walks down the driveway leaving you, your money is probably already made fucking $30 million. The fuck do you care? I know he's probably that's obviously not 20 billion liquid. He's got a lot of that tied up in Derek's, right? Some giant book and wrenches, some oil rags, some trucks. Look at that Pat's fan. That looks like Jim LaLetta.

A comedian I knew back in Boston. Drinking a Sam Adams there. Anyways, it's 24 to 7, 9 0 9 left to go in the third quarter. Patriots D is looking good, but I just don't think there's anything in the AFC that is really going to can get you ready for what Seattle's going to be bringing on at least a defensive level. I don't know. That was probably one of the worst games as a pro that Russell Wilson has had. I have no, I really don't have, I don't have any idea on what's going to happen. I like, if the Patriots play Seattle in the Super Bowl, it will not surprise me if we win or we get absolutely ass raped. I have no fucking idea. I've watched that little amount of football

this year because I've been so fucking busy. But that's going to be amazing. And how about Robert Kraft, huh? I know I've mentioned this before. What a fucking owner he is. Three coaching hires, Bill Parcells, unknown Pete Carroll, as far as like at the pro level. And then Bill Belichick. It's pretty cool that now he's basically these two guys are looking like they're going to face each other in the Super Bowl. I would love to hear that conversation. I wonder if they've ever talked since he fired him. I'm sure he sent him some sort of fucking, what the fuck was it? 1-800-Fruit. What was that thing when I lost my shit when I was reading it? I can't remember. What the fuck was it? FruitBaskets.org.

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Go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. You know, I have to say it three times. Say with me, dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. All right. Hey, how about those Bruins, huh? They finally, for the first time this year, put together a nice run there. They, uh, they played six games without losing, winning five in a row and they lost one in overtime, but they still picked up a point than last, uh, the other night they lost to the Columbus blue jackets, but, uh, they're starting to hopefully play up to, uh, up to their potential. I love whenever, whenever they have a fucking problem. Do you know somebody actually texted me and they said that they should trade luchich

or trade Brad Marchand? It's like, yeah, do you fucking mind? Yeah, let's trade the guys that get the fucking team going. You know, I just, for the life of me, I just don't understand the panic and they always pick like the star. I think people who say that just, they don't watch the game. They just fucking, they just, they watch the stars. Like if the Patriots start losing this, remember earlier this year, they started blaming Tom Brady saying he's, is he past his prime? I didn't think that, but I was also one of those people that thought the, I thought the Patriots were finished after that, uh, was it Kansas city game? And then we came against the Bengals. I thought it was, um, I definitely thought that we were done, um, because I just felt like

we kept, uh, I think you can hear it on one of my podcasts. I was saying how we had this formula where we would basically have a veteran player and right when the guy was getting his second, or his second to last or his last contract and he wanted big money, we would always trade the person away to stay under the cap or whatever. And then we would place them with somebody that didn't have experience. And then we would be weak at that position for a while. We just kept doing that all the way around on offense and defense. And I, I don't know, trade the Logan Mankins look like a bad fucking move, but the genius of Belichick and the driver Brady, um, and the defense and all that, I was wrong. So I've been wrong about a lot of

shit and I don't think we match up well against Seattle. So I think I've, I'm hoping I'm going to be wrong against that. Granted, there's still, you know, plenty of fucking time left in this game. I'm talking about it like we already want. Um, anyways, how far into this are we? 46 minutes? I forget how long I talked in the other one. I feel like you got to talk to at least 15 minutes. So anyways, I'm gearing up for this, um, this standup, uh, tour that I have coming up and I'm going to be playing doing a night of standup, running my hour hit flappers, possibly another place going to be bouncing around LA all this week, uh, getting ready to go just going back to being a fucking comedian again. I can't wait to do it. I am so ridiculously excited to, uh,

uh, go out to Southeast Asia and, um, even though this time, you know, I'm not spending a lot of time in any of these places, but this is how I handled Europe. I just kept going there, just business, business, business. And then once I started selling tickets, I was actually able to slow down and, uh, taking some sites. So I plan on doing that throughout Southeast Asia. So there's some quick things that I'm going to do when I go to Hong Kong. I don't know how long I'm going to be there, but at some point I'm going to get some fucking dumplings. Sorry. There we go. Now it's going to be 31 to seven. So it's looking pretty good here. Um, Paul Versey would have called this game at 14, nothing. It's over. It's over. Uh,

I got to smoke a cigar with that guy. Jesus Christ. It's been a while. So when I go to, uh, Hong Kong, I'm going to, uh, I'm definitely going to try to get dumpling somewhere. When I go to India, uh, India, I think is going to be, I don't, I think that that's going to be actually a bigger culture shock than when I go to like Shanghai in, and, um, in Hong Kong. This might be ignorant of me, but I feel like I've gone to, uh, Chinatown enough times. You know what I mean? I've gone to San Francisco and gone down there and you walk there and there's just so many people, uh, Asian people that you from the most part feel like you are somewhere in Asia, but I've never been, towns

don't really have like a little India, you know, they have little Italy, Italy, little Armenia, Thai town, they'll have Chinatown on that type of stuff, but I've never gone to a place where I was just surrounded by nothing but Indian people. So I think it's going to be, uh, an amazing experience. And I had a buddy of mine who actually, uh, one of my flight instructors was just over in Hong Kong and he said it's the coolest city he's ever been to hands down, which is so fucking awesome to hear. Um, and I also like China anyways, just because they were the underdogs where as far as little I know about Asia, like Japan was kind of like the white people over there

where they are like, we are the supreme people and we're not going to try to enslave everybody over there. You know what I mean? Um, they were sort of the, they had the European mentality and, uh, I don't know, everybody else is sort of the underdog. So I don't know, there's just something about it, something I read about Bruce Lee one time. I read this thing that, uh, the Japanese back in the day said that the Chinese were animals. So Bruce Lee was fighting in this Chinese style, defeating these Shogun warriors. And after he kicks their ass in the movie, he says, by the way, I'm not an animal. And in China, they, like the movie theater just stood up and gave a standing ovation. I was like,

that's the shit. I hope that's true. So anyways, I'm looking forward to going over there and, uh, it's killing me that I won't be anywhere near the Great Wall of China because, uh, that's definitely on my bucket list. But I figure if I keep going over to Hong Kong and, uh, I can build up a following over there, eventually I'll make enough money where I can then blow it on another, I figure I got to jump on another plane. I don't even know where the Great Wall is. Is it in Beijing? I know I can't jump in a fucking Prius over there and drive to it. Um, I would be terrified to do it because I figure once I get out of Hong Kong, the road signs are no longer in English and I would be fucked.

So, um, Singapore, it fascinates me. Uh, I'm not going to lie to you. I am nervous that I am going to say something on stage that will get me caned. Um, I promise you, if I get into that situation, I will try to remain calm enough before the first strike to yell out, Doe Jesus, yo Jesus before then. And then any bitchy sounds I make after that, I don't want to fucking hear it unless you got caned. Um, and then I have all of Australia and New Zealand and, uh, I just think it's going to be, uh, you know, come on, man. This is like some shit that people bid on at the end of the fucking price is right. And I get to do it while telling jokes, man. I'm pretty much, uh, I'm pretty much stealing money, not to mention when I go over there,

my biggest fucking problem is going to be, uh, cigars because Cuban cigars are legal over there. And I kind of made a New Year's resolution that I was going to smoke only one a week because you figure that's still 52 fucking cigars a year. That's a lot of fucking cigars, unless you smoke cigars. Then it's a joke. So, um, for the month of January, I unfortunately have already smoked five. I smoked one at the Rose Bowl, then I smoked two during the Patriots game last week. I smoked two in New Orleans. And, um, I was going to smoke one today. I was like, I can't because I'm already, for the allotted time, I'm already into February. So I have to somehow get through this week and my first fucking, uh,

uh, week of Australia without smoking, but I gotta tell you, uh, today, you know, today was tough. I got a nice back porch area. It was really calling to me. Jesus Christ. I really, I, I, I am addicted to those fucking things. I gotta admit it. I'm fucking addicted and I gotta work on that. But anyways, that is the podcast for this week. Uh, congratulations to, uh, the Seattle Seahawks franchise and all the fans that stayed and all the ones that were back there in the kingdom. Uh, my condolences to all the fucking fans of the Green Bay Packers. Um, can anybody, anybody who's in code, there's got to be somebody in coaching, you know, I don't give a shit what, what level you coach. Can you please explain to me the prevent defense

and just do you have any numbers? It has to work way more than it doesn't work. Um, I don't know. I just think as a fan, I hate it because even if we win, I still have to go through fucking the amount of stress that it puts me through just drives me up the fucking wall. It's just like you've been kicking their ass. Just keep kicking their fucking ass. Can anybody in coaching please for the love of God help me? Oh, and by the way, I had an epic battle with Yanis Papas and, uh, Paul Verzi got the Babe Ruth thing going again. I know it bugs some of you guys, but I know a lot of you guys enjoyed it and actually trying to beat those guys. I mean, it was a fucking two on one. So I was taking my hits. I'd like to think I was dishing them out too.

Um, oh, by the way, Paul Verzi on the Verzi effects sat down with Yanis Papas and they allegedly destroyed me on the Babe Ruth debate. Here, here's some interesting stats outside of Babe Ruth to tell you why I feel like it was an inferior league. All right. Ted Williams was the last guy to ever hit 400. He did it in 1941. Nobody has done it since. So that's 70 coming on 70, 74 seasons going on 75 years. Nobody has hit 400 yet prior to the 1942 baseball season, and hitting 400 had been done 28 times in a little over 60 years. Okay. Every guy who did it was white and did it in an all white league. And after 1941, it was never done again. Prior to 1941, they averaged somebody doing it almost every two years, two to two and a half years, two to three

years. Somebody hit 400. Honest Wagner, Ty Cobb, and some guy Ed McDermott or some shit. You know what they have in common? All three of them, not only did they hit 400, they did it three fucking times. And this is what funny, I brought that up to Yanis and I go, dude, there was a guy in the 1870s or 1880s hit 434 for the season. And he goes, oh, that's ridiculous. And it is ridiculous compared to 1925. Hitting 434 in 1875 is ridiculous. But 19, 1925 is compared to 1965. To me is also ridiculous. What you have during the all white era. Okay. What you have is you have not only with Babe Ruth, you have straight across the board, unprecedented offensive numbers. Pick off by the Patriots.

Do you know in the 1930s, I did a quick, quick research. I might be wrong for all you baseball heads out there. Every year in the 1930s, except one year to win the RBI crown, you had to hit at least 170 RBIs. Honest Wagner hit 100 and not Honest Wagner, sorry. Hank Greenberg. Hank Greenberg had 191 fucking RBIs. Okay. And what you notice with all of these crazy fucking stats, guys having 30 wins seasons, guys pitching double headers, guys winning 500 fucking games, all of that shit. What you notice is, is this ridiculous level of fucking stats. And then when the game becomes integrated, all of a sudden those, those numbers go down and they level the fuck off. All right. And I really feel stats from the 50s, 60s, 70s touchdown

Patriots, LeGarret Blunt. We're going to the Super Bowl into the 80s. Into the 80s, like those are leveled off fucking numbers. And some of the greatest pitchers and some of the greatest hitters of all time played from the 50s into the fucking 80s. And none of them came anywhere close to winning, hitting, long ball, any of that fucking shit. Other than, uh, Roger Maris, who hit 61 home runs. Okay. I guess some, I think mantle hit like 57 home runs or whatever. But I'm saying, and then all of a sudden you had a game that was just steeped in its past and all the great records and all the shit were all, all held by these fucking guys whose baseball cars were inside of cigar boxes.

All right. And then you notice all of a sudden those records start getting broken again. They liven up the ball. They made the stadium smaller. They livened up the ball. They made the stadium smaller and guys started doing steroids. And still the most fucking RBIs anybody ever hit was Manny Ramirez, 165, Sammy Sosa got 160. Both of those guys were on Roids and even they couldn't get 170, 180, forget about 191. Nobody's hitting 400. I'm telling you. And you're also talking about like all the pitches back then, the curveball, the slider, split finger, fastball, cut fastball, all of those pitches were being developed. So you had a guy like Babe Ruth, who had an any era monster talent showing up there. Yeah, that guy's going to do some

fucking damage and he's going to put up unprecedented fucking numbers. And for these guys to sit there and suggest that in 2014, 15, if this guy fucking played that not only would he get his 700 something home runs, he would also be a Sai young award winning pitcher. It doesn't even fucking make sense. Okay. That a guy that talented could fucking exist. And then never is there another guy that talented again. And despite everything that you saw in a mate incredible athlete like Bo Jackson do nothing Bo Jackson did as far as statistics go, despite the fact that he was that he was arguably definitely going to be a Hall of Famer in baseball and arguably had the talent to be a Hall of Famer in baseball. The fact that even what he did in his short time

paled in comparison to what fuck Babe Ruth did Babe Ruth played in an all fucking white league and some of you guys will argue, well, there was only 1012 teams and it's like fine, okay, let's take today's baseball and whittle it all the way down to 12 teams with those 12 teams, then go back to being only white guys. They wouldn't they would still be the best of the best. Okay, which when it's all legal and fair seems to be predominantly Latino in that sport. So those people would not be allowed to play and right there it becomes inferior. So I feel like I'm still giving Babe Ruth 600 plus home runs for his career. All right, but he would have had to have decided to either be a great pitcher or a great hitter. That's how it would have fucking

gone down. All right, and that's it. I'm not going to debate this any fucking more. I really feel that Babe Ruth played essentially you had an any era Hall of Fame dominant fucking player that played against division one college talent. And I think that is a fact and I don't give a fuck what you say. I think because everybody loves baseball, they're just so steeped in that history that is absolutely sacrilegious to talk about these fucking guys and the records that they had and their 500 fucking wins and all of this shit. I'm telling you man, come on at the beginning. I maintain it watching Kobe score 80 something points in the 2000s is more I think that's more difficult to fucking do than to score 100 points like will Chamberlain in the 1960s. That's just

how I feel. You know, you got 100 fucking years of this is what it defense wins championships. So if you're going to be successful, they figured they would pitch around Babe Ruth, they would figure out how to they would figure out how to neutralize his talents. Okay, dude, Babe Ruth went up and we was hitting against fucking an all white league. He went up against a guy who sold shoes in the fucking off season. Like these guys didn't even make enough fucking money. I mean, if you're Babe Ruth, you did, but this guy that the level of talent he was playing against was so piss poor, this guy could go out and booze and eat cakes and hot dogs, not even work out. You know, look, I'm not saying the guy was wasn't one of the greatest

of all time, but you know, when John Goodman gets selected to play you in the fucking movie of your life, I mean, give me a fucking break. All right, I'm done. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourself for all you drumheads out there or fans of Stevie Ray Vaughn's music or just fans of Chris Layton's unbelievable drumming. If you want to listen, they'll have an extra podcast this week. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. BNB Premium Selection.