Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-18

Episode Date: January 3, 2018

Bill rambles about the Rose Bowl, resolutions and Bill W.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty baths. But now we go to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath, together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. Oh my God, it's a new year. With the new year comes hopes and dreams for a better world. And God wants us to sit there and try to make it a better world.

Well, you should probably start with yourself. Friends, have you seen those people late night trying to tell you how to make it a better world? Or somebody writes a song about it? Make it a better place for you and for me and the plumber down the street. Right? It's very difficult, the older you get to listen to those songs going like, alright. So, not only are you not going to make the world a better place, you're going to write some cheeseball fucking song and make money off the fact

that people want to make it a better place. You're going to give some fucking stupid pop culture psychology, right? Pop psychology? Is that what you're going to throw? I don't know what the fuck it is. It's like after 9-11 when that country guy wrote that song, you know, Uncle Sam's going to put a boot in your ass. It's like, how did he, like that wasn't going to be a giant hit? You know?

I don't know what I'm talking about. All I could tell you is I'm doing this Monday morning podcast on Tuesday because I was like, well, what do I do? Do I do it the night before I go to the Rose Bowl? And then by the time I tell you the Rose Bowl stories, it's like four days old or do I just go to the Rose Bowl and do it a little late? I decided on the ladder, all right? And I apologize to any, I don't know, whatever fucking group.

You know what I'm hoping in 2018 happens? I just hope that people start standing up to all of this fucking, you know, the amount of people being offended. You know, it's not that you get offended. It's the level of coverage that it gets. Compared to shit that really is way, way, way more devastating to our lives. By the way, you know what really was bugging me? You know, when there was all those hurricanes and everybody, everybody's sending fucking money out and all of that shit, right?

Got to help all these people in Houston. Got to help all these people in Florida. Hey, where the fuck were you guys when the Hollywood Hills were on fire? Huh? I didn't see any fucking benefits. Poor fucking, what's his name? Ralph Nader? What's the fucking guy's name who owns Fox? Whatever the fuck his name is. When that poor bastard's mansion was catching on fire, did any of you fucking people floating on a mattress in Houston a few months ago

rub a couple of nickels together and send it to him? Make some teary-eyed videos? That just kind of seems like it's a one-way street here. The fuck is the guy's name who owns Fox? Isn't it Ralph? It's one of those fucking names where you just like, you know, you know chicks didn't take him seriously in high school and then all of a sudden he owns like the biggest network ever. And all those women are, I should have fucked Ralph. Why did I have to fuck the quarterback?

Baker fucking Mansfield, whatever the fuck his name is, the guy won the Heisman. What the hell's his name? Baker Mayfield. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Sorry, that was my bad Curtis Mayfield. What a poor bastard that guy was, huh? He's fucking singing all these great songs. He's doing a goddamn gig and literally the lighting falls down on him and breaks his fucking neck. I mean, and he continued to write music. I don't know how the fuck, some people, I don't know.

I hate to say this. I know this is about myself. If that ever fucking happened to me, I would just be yelling, kill me to everybody who came walking into the room. We're going to start your rehab. Kill me, kill me. Kill me, give me a fucking something. I'm not strong enough to get through this. Jesus, this is dark. Sorry, whatever, that's what happens when you just fucking start running your yap.

All of a sudden this happens, okay? So I'd like to apologize to all Curtis Mayfield fans and anybody who's stubbed their toe, speaking to which I'm at the fucking, I cooked up a goddamn storm this weekend. I went out strong, all right? So the great Jay Lawhead, Rose Bowl tailgate legend, Jason Lawhead, he fucking, he goes to put together the menu, right? And he just doesn't go, we're doing burgers, we're doing dogs. He doesn't do that horseshit.

Jay fucking analyzed like Bill Belichick. He fucking looks, okay, Oklahoma's playing, Georgia's playing. So next thing you know, he's like, well, in Oklahoma, you know, they do this tri-tip, something or other. So he gets that going. I tell him, hey, you want me to make a pie this year? He goes, yeah, why don't you make a peach pie for Georgia? And he ties this whole fucking Oklahoma, Georgia thing together.

It was incredible. So I'd never made a peach pie, right? And I know peaches are out of season. So I'm like, well, I'm not going to go down there and buy some fucking out of season peaches that some poor fucking bastard had to pick off of what used to be his own property down in Costa Rica, whatever the fuck they do. However they do the fruit nowadays. I fucking, I said, I said, fuck it, man, I'm going down getting them canned peaches.

I'm going to get some goddamn canned peaches. So I got some canned peaches. Pick the fucking recipe off the internet. And this is what I found with recipes on the internet. Okay, they're going to get it to you so it tastes really good. But they're not going to, they're not going to give you the recipe where it tastes great. So what they're going to do is they're going to, you know, remember that guy? I'm going to bring it up a notch.

And he'd be screaming and yelling. He had that fucking band. Emeril Lugasi, right? Remember how he used to take it up a notch? What they do on the internet is every fucking recipe, they take it down a notch. They take it down a notch and then they fucking remove something. They take something out, some little special, special spice. So anytime you're making a fucking pie, here's a little sage advice for you.

All right, it's going to be the usual. Okay, if you're doing some sort of fruit there, it's going to be basically a quarter cup of sugar. I mean, quarter cup of flour and like a cup of sugar. And then there's going to be cinnamon, nutmeg, possibly vanilla. I don't know, some sort of bullshit. And they're going to say an eighth of teaspoon it is, a fucking teaspoon of that. Fuck that. Fuck that. All right, they say eighth of a teaspoon.

Take a nice helping of it with the eighth of the teaspoon. That's what I do. I bam, throw that shit in there. What do you want a teaspoon? I'll give you a teaspoon and a quarter, maybe a teaspoon and a half. If I'm feeling crazy, right? You just kind of bring the levels up on everything. Then you think what else would they have in there?

You know, they probably, you know, squeeze a little lime on the peaches, you know, before they fucking do all of this shit, right? Maybe a little vanilla in there. And then you always got to throw like, you know, a little bit of butter in there too. Mix all of that shit together. Then you taste it, you throw a little more sugar on top. You bring everything up. That's what I did.

And I got to tell you, man, I got rave reviews on a peach pie. Who knew? Who knew? You know, people, you know, if you don't try to explore the limits of your talents, you'll never truly find out how great your life could be. So I made a peach pie. I made a practice one with Nia. And it was a deal. I didn't have a lot of time.

So I actually went to the store and bought a store bought frozen pie on the bottom, sacrilegious. And then I made a homemade one for on top, you know, cut my work in half. And then there was just all this weirdness where the one on the bottom was kind of done, but the one on top wasn't. So I took it out and, you know, Nia took one bite of it and just goes, mm, mm, mm, mm, does that shit. And I knew she was right.

But I also got mad at her. You know what I mean? Because I'm lazy. I didn't want to go back. So I fucking egg washed the goddamn pie because I forgot to do that. Sprinkle some sugar on it, threw it back in. Then it was better. And I made a decent pie.

But then I brought all the levels up and the one that I did to the Rose Bowl fucking crushed. Or maybe people would just be a nice, I don't know. I also made a quiche Lorraine. I've always wanted to make a quiche. I mean, who doesn't like eggs? Who doesn't like pie? I mean, right there, you got both things going on. This is breakfast and dessert all at the same fucking time.

And I go to make this thing. And of course, knee is all over me looking at this, looking at that, looking at this. I fucking stick the quiche in there. All right. Do the whole damn thing. I fucking 45 minutes in, you know, I give it the little poke with the tongs. It still looks jelly as hell. So I leave it in for another 10 minutes, then it looks pretty much solid and I'm getting

nervous that I'm going to burn it. So I take it out. I let it cool off a couple of hours later. I cut into it. It looks a little runny, but I'm too hungry. So I don't give a shit. So I'm eating it. It's clearly needs to go back in the oven for 10 minutes, but it's fucking delicious.

So I go, yeah, try this. I think it needs to be, you know, it needs to go back in the oven maybe for 10 minutes. And she just cuts in and she goes, ooh. And then eats it and goes, mm, mm, mm, mm. And I just went, you know what? Fuck you. And she's like, what? I'm just being honest.

I'm like, I know. I know. I just want, but it still tastes good, right? She goes, yeah, but it's runny as shit needs to go back in the oven. I'm like, well, you could have said it tasted good first and she stormed out of the room. And then I was like, oh, come on, honey, come on, sorry, sorry. I won't be like this in 2018. So I put it back in the oven for like another 10 minutes.

Actually Nia did. She finished the thing off and it tasted fucking delicious. And then before the fucking Rose Bowl, the night before, I'm thinking, all right, Lawhead is going to be making his classic fucking breakfast sandwich, which is basically a English muffin. He puts a little Havare cheese on one side and then he has this avocado spread he does on the other side. And he cooks this fucking egg to absolute perfection where it's not too runny. It's not over hard.

It's just perfect, not quite over medium. It's only like a medium rare. So when you bite into it, the egg yolk oozes out, but it doesn't fall out of the sandwich and all of that shit, right? And then also he had marinated this tri-tip that he put on top of that. It was the best fucking eggs. It was such a good egg sandwich. I only had one because he goes, you want to have another one?

It's like, no, I don't want to kill it. You know what I mean? And the night before, I had made these hash browns. You know, the thing about it is you don't want to make the fucking things, but you also don't want the things to turn all brown and shit. So I actually did the whole mix and then put it in a fucking Ziploc bag and squished all the air out of it. I possibly could stuck it in the fridge and it was fine.

I cooked those fuckers up on the side. At that point, I was a little shit-faced. I think I overdid it. That's right. I was already drunk before breakfast even came out, all right? We had already loaded up the truck. We put the game changer in there. The game changer who, by the way, all right, the game changer is a flat-top griddle with

four burners, all right, and the propane gas. I'm telling you right, that's what the fuck you want to bring to a cookout. That thing, it's just, you never have to worry about your fire going out. There's not like, there's not all of this pressure. There's none of that shit. You just turn that fucking thing on, Jay's just like a short order cook. I've never, the last two years, I've never seen him so relaxed at a cookout because before, you know, we had a hibachi that's way down here.

We had another one that was up on its legs. This guy's going, he's doing like fucking 400 squats an hour trying to cook everything making sure his fire doesn't go out, time and shit, and he cooks the whole time. It's not like he's cooking one thing. He cooks a breakfast, then he cooks something in the middle, then he cooks the dinner. So he was always having to add shit and coals and all that. I mean, this is over the course of like six hours. So the flat-top griddle that Jay Law had dubbed the game changer, he was just crushing

it all day. And I got in these things because this was our 10th Rose Bowl in a row. And anybody who's married knows that your 10 year thing is tin. And not only do they know that it's the tin, the tin anniversary, there's no way you can go out and buy something made out of tin for your wife only. And she's going to be happy with that unless you met an absolute sweetheart who doesn't mind being broke or it doesn't mind that she married a cheap fuck, one or the other.

Anyways, so I went out and I got these flasks made up for me and Bartnick, because we were the original guys. It was just the two, just the two of us the first year. So I got a giant Roman numeral 10, like the Super Bowl engraved on the front and on the back, I just had Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl, Tailgate legend. And then I did like the American Express, the member since and had 09. And next year, Lawhead gets his and in two years, Thamelis gets his, although I have to correct his because I already had a made up.

And I thought that they both came in 2010. Anyway, so I'm out there throwing the football around. I got some booze in me, right? I smoked a little weed, which I never do, but I'm just trying to lay off the booze. And this is why I don't smoke weed is because, you know, with booze, if you reach for a bottle of vodka, you know, okay, you know, basically what the punch to the face is going to be.

Or if you grab a beer, you know what that's going to be. You grab some wine, you know what that's going to be. When someone goes, Hey, you want to take a hit of this joint? You don't know what the fuck it is. Is that the, is it that shit that just kind of makes you feel like, Hey, man, like everything's going to be all right, man, or is it going to have you just fucking staring at a goddamn tree? So, you know, I don't know what, what are you supposed to do?

Just take one hit and then stand there and wait for your face to start melting and be like, Oh, well, it didn't. This is why I'm done with fucking weed too. So I take a fucking hit. I don't feel anything. I'm like, Oh, this must be the, the, the light one. So then I go back and hit it about two, three times. And next thing you know, I'm telling everybody at the tailgate, I go, Hey, man,

listen, I know I'm really high right now, but look at that fucking tree. Isn't that fucking that tree is fucking them. That's like some shit out of a horror movie. Look at that. Look at the way it's like bent like that. And they're just laughing at me. And I am so at peace that I don't care that I'm actually, I don't give a fuck that they're laughing at me.

I'm just happy at that point that I'm bringing them joy as I make a complete fool of myself. Um, and I'm drinking from the flask and then Jay throws a burger on. We got this grass fed fucking, this grass fed fucking me, dude. I fucking, it might have been the best burger I ever had, but also I was so high. I was just talking to people about this fucking tree, which felt like an intense minute. So, you know, it was like, at least probably what?

Like 11 minutes. Um, I ate that burger. It was fucking amazing. And, uh, then I went over to a chair. I sat down and I passed out for like two hours and Jay was making these fucking meatball subs on a Brioche bun. And I completely, the last like four or five years in a row, I have missed the main course.

And by the way, Americans call it an, a main, call it a main course. Don't call it the entree. All right. In French entree means to enter. It, that's actually the beginning of the meal and somewhere across the fucking ocean in the scurvy and the fucking slavery and the indentured servitude, whatever, whatever distracted us. We fucked that up.

Entree means to enter. That's the beginning. Okay. So just say the main course. And for the main course, I'll have this. Uh, what do you have for entrees? Um, so I missed that. I woke up and, uh, I ended up, I tried the pie with the a la mode.

It was fucking delicious. Everybody loved it. And at that point I was kind of fucking sober because I was actually way more high than I was shit faced. And, um, I didn't even smoke a cigar and I went into the, I went into the game and, uh, I just started anytime a vendor came by, I just started crushing waters. I was already on the wagon.

That's how fucked up I got at the tailgate. Like, you know, you know, like when you're still legally drunk and you're already back on the, you're telling people I'm on the wagon as you have like literally they could light your breath on fire. Um, that's, that's when you know, you went too hard. I don't really have any fucking stories about the tailgate because I barely remember it, um, other than it was fucking awesome. I do remember I was drinking, uh, uh, Millers.

I was drinking out of that flask. I had, you know, once a year, uh, mill, I had Miller and Miller light. Miller light comes back with their old school, less filling tastes great bottle. So I had a couple of those. Um, I threw the football around lefty. I vaguely remember that. Oh, and then somebody at the tailgate told me a fucking story about how Garoppolo ended up on the fucking 49ers.

Evidently the Cleveland Browns were interested in getting him, but Bill Belichick still holds a grudge against them for, for his time. You know, 1995, when he was coaching it, which I believe he was also with fucking what's his face, Nick Savin there. So he's like, fuck that. And he calls up the 49ers. He goes, give me a second round draft pick. We'll give you a Garoppolo.

How fucking nuts is that? I've heard a couple of those stories recently. Like, do you know the Celtics got into a position to get, to, to get Bill Russell? This is the story that was told to me. Sit down, gather around and listen to this tale. The Celtics had too good of a year to be in a position to draft Bill Russell. So Red Arbeck makes a bunch of fucking moves to get all the way up to number two. All right.

But the problem is, is the Rochester Royals or some shit had number one. There was nothing he could do to get them to not, you know, to give up the number one pick and everybody was going to take it. He was just clearly the best guy. So the Boston got it. Had the fucking ice capades every year. And they used to make a bunch of money off that. Now you, I know a lot of you fucking millennials out there are like the ice

capades, bunch of people twirling around, dress on the ice, right? Skating around, dressed like fucking yogi and boo boo bear. Why the fuck would I go see that bullshit? Well, it was before the internet. The one you had a little while ago, you know, I was like, the one you had a little black and white fucking TV. You know what I mean? The picture was always jumping.

This was some exciting shit. There wasn't a teddy bar or fucking free internet porn every once in a while. You know, once a year, these beautiful fucking goddess women would come in. With their shapely thighs and you could sit there and look at them and pretend you were into the art. You just sat right next to your wife. You could fucking, you know, look at some gams over there, right? So it would always sell out.

So the Rochester Royals were hurting for money. So Red Arbeck called up the ice capade guy, he goes, Hey, can you do me a fucking solid? Can you fucking get the ice capades? Can you guarantee that you'll do a couple of dates out there for these fucking guys? He said, absolutely, I will. So he called them up and said, Listen, I'll give you the number one pick. I'll give you the fucking ice capades for a week.

You make all this goddamn money. And the miser that owned the team said, You know what? I'll take that deal. I will say forget Bill Russell so Dorothy Hamill can come in or Peggy Fleming, whoever the fuck it was back then. I don't know. Way back then it was probably some woman named Ethel and she was considered hot, right?

Ethel McGuire and Hazel Sigorsky are come and skate. Oh, my God, have you ever seen it so fucking hot? Right. Years later, they wrote on the Golden Girls. But back then they were a hot piece of ass. Now, I know I skipped over a lot of fucking details, so you should probably listen to the Bill Simmons podcast, right? To figure out what really happened.

But that's what was told to me. And you know what? God damn it, I'm sticking with it. I'm fucking sticking with that story. So anyways, oh, Billy, no fun. I'm not going a bunch of days again, but like I'm just like. I'm done. All right, I came off the wagon on December 26th.

And now it's January 2nd, and I'm right back on. I had, I had a hell of a week. One day I didn't drink. All right. That was the 28th, December 20th. So six out of the last seven days I drank. I don't like how I feel. I don't like how I look.

I just can't fucking do it anymore. OK, I'm turning 50 in June. I had a great half of a century run. All right. I never really drank until I was like 17. So whatever. I had a good 33 year. Larry Burt, speaking of the guard, I had a nice 33 year run.

OK, so I am now going to be that guy that picks his spot. Am I going to be that fucking dude? Maybe I'll just be that guy that has a glass of wine with dinner every once in a while. You know, it's just like just all this awkward silence between me and my wife as we sit on either end of this really long dinner table. You know, you know, all you hear is just me like turning the pages of the paper and you know, shaking it. You know, you do that thing to make sure it straightens out.

Every once in a while, just being like, honey, did you see down in Brazil, they had a Royan. I don't know what I'm going to do, but. I'm just I'm I'm bringing the way I was bringing everything up in that recipe. I'm bringing everything down. Bringing everything down. All right. I'm fucking back to crushing the waters.

I'm back on my diet and I got a couple of goals this year. All right. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my adult life was buying thirty four inch jeans after being a thirty two. All right, thirty two best shape in my fucking life. They started getting a little tight around the fucking waist and I thought, you know, you get older, you fill out and it's like, no, Bill, you put on weight, you cunt.

Why don't you just take fucking seven to ten days to lose? I didn't. I bought the next size up jeans. OK, and that was stupid because that just gave me this leeway to be a fat fuck. Who feels comfortable in his pants. You never buy the next size up jeans after you're done growing and all of that shit, you know what I mean, unless you're a fucking beanpole. Which maybe I was. So I'm back down to thirty three, I figure I'll stay there.

So that's what I'm going to do. I got it like my fucking wardrobe right now. I got it. It's just like, you know, I hate going shopping. All right. And I have not bought a fucking shirt or a pair of pants. In a couple of years, kind of fucking a couple of free t-shirts. I bought a Primus t-shirt at the concert I went to.

But other than that, it is just, I just, you know, and I got rid of a bunch of old clothes. So I have like, I have two shirts that I wear one of two shirts. When I fucking headlight those are my two headlining shirts. And I think I have a pullover sweater and that's it. And that's it. And I don't think I give a shit. You know, I got to go out there

and have some fucking rhinestone shiny goddamn shirt. I really believe that as long as I have a fucking act that nobody's going to really pay attention to the shirt, right? Well, now that I brought it up, you're going to. I don't know, maybe I'll buy a shadow, maybe I'll buy a fucking sweater. You know, I'm thinking, I'm thinking I'm going to be that guy that just dresses all in black. If I wasn't so fucking pasty,

and I wouldn't look like a floating head in hands, I would do that. But what's great about a black shirt is you can wear that like three days in a row before anybody really even notices like, this motherfucker's not changing the shirt. You know, that is the genius of Malcolm Young. Rest is sold the greatest rhythm guitarist in rock and roll history. In my opinion. The genius of the way that that man dressed,

the sheer amount of money that that man saved by just wearing jeans and a fucking t-shirt, right? Einstein, that's that Einstein shit. That's what geniuses do. They get rid of all the white noise and they just focus on what's fucking important. That's what he did. He just was just I only need his pants and a shirt.

I'm not going to be fucking sitting there trying to be in style. I'm going to dress timeless. Blue jeans and a fucking black t-shirt. And I'm done. Do you ever see the let there be rock video? That's one of my favorite parts of the video when he's getting ready for the show. He takes the t-shirt off and then he snaps his fingers

like he's just spoiled rock star and they just throw him another t-shirt. The exact same color he puts it on. Or a slightly different color. And then that's it. It's over. Anyways, my shoulders been doing great. And then I fucked it up at the at the tailgate, by the way. I was throwing left handed doing all right, you know, making sure I was given my right shoulder arrest and everything.

I hadn't felt any pain in my shoulder for days. Long story short, the end of the end of the the tailgate we're going to to close up the table. And I'm on one side with the other guys on the other side and we're folding up the legs and the one was getting stubborn. And where I had my fingers, it fucking slammed down on both of my fingers, right? Just wham and I went, ah, fuck.

And I pulled my arms out. You know, I was basically reaching around the fucking table, you know, like I was given the skinniest person ever. The finish. Who had that finishing move in wrestling? Well, they just put you in a fucking bear hug and they would act like they were being crushed to death. I was doing that with the table. So when I went to yank my arms out really quickly,

it was like it was like I was throwing two elbows at the same time. And I felt like fucking lightning in my right shoulder. And I think I went right back to square one. I don't know what the fuck I got. I think I'm going to do that Kobe shit. Rogan told me about that whole stem cell shit. And I just get scared of that stuff. I don't know.

The way Joe Rogan is fearless and will read up on something and then make an informed decision before he takes a step in that direction. I just hear about something new. Do not read up on it and act like an old lady who thinks the fucking sky is falling. That's the way I approach life. So I haven't done that yet.

My shoulders still fucked up. I might do that thing when they take your own. What I like about that fucking spinning of your blood is it's your own blood and then they shoot it back in, right? Although I would want to watch them the whole time, you know, follow them around with my own blood to make sure they don't take like the fucking blood of a yak or a fucking chimp or some shit, whatever they,

whatever the fuck they, whatever they're doing these days to try to get that thing fixed. All right, let me read, do I have any advertising? Um, I don't know that I do. During the holidays, it slows down. I don't have any advertising. Well, what do you know? What do you know?

All right, let me see here. I guess I don't have any advertising. Well, fuck it, let's continue talking. All right, this is what else I did on my wonderful, over my wonderful holiday break. I went down to the comedy store, did a set, had a great time and I was driving home, you know, and I'm driving along sunset,

just starting to fucking listen to my tunes and all of a sudden they go by this venue and I look and what do I see? I see Dave Chappelle and John Mayer are doing a show. I'm like, get the fuck out of here, right? So I call up a buddy of mine that books all the shows and I said, hey, what's the story with this?

Does John Mayer, you know, come out with his band? You know, does Dave go on first? Does John go on first, blah, blah, blah? And he's like, no, what happens is John comes out, plays like four songs, he brings Dave out. Dave does stand up for an hour, an hour and a half and then he brings John back out and then they just sort of riff.

As Dave talks about shit, John will play the music underneath and I was like, I gotta fucking see that. So me and the lovely Nia, we went down there because I never take a route on New Year's Eve because that is the original St. Patrick's Day. Plus I go to the Rose Bowl the next day, so I need to get my sleep before I get absolutely hammered and pass out in a fucking chair for a couple hours

missing my meatballs up. So we went down there and just had such a great fucking night and I don't think I've ever seen that. And I don't think I've ever seen two people that fucking talented. Like there's usually one genius and then surrounded by a bunch of people who are just sitting there.

Isn't he amazing? I'm so happy to be playing bass with this genius or I'm so happy to be fucking, I don't know, whatever the fuck else. I'm so happy to be in the ice capades with this twirling genius, right? It was two of them and what I kind of noticed about both of them is that they just so like

most genius minds, they kind of, they get rid of all the fucking white noise. Everything about every bit that Chappelle did was just like, there was no fat on it. And he got right to the fucking point. And another thing that I loved was, I can't believe that I've been in this business long enough that we're like the older guys now.

It always blows my mind that I'm like five years older than Dave Chappelle, because he was already a made guy when I came in. So I always look at him like he's got 10 years on me, you know, or 15, and you know, just when I watch his act, I'm like, this guy's clearly been doing this a good couple of decades longer than me. And the reality is that I think he's only been doing it

like six years longer than I have or something like that. He's fucking amazing. And what I love too is just he's that same, with all that's changed, everybody getting offended, all of this fucking crap, how you get in trouble, he hasn't changed at all. He's just like that same guy that I saw way back in the day when I used to go to the Boston Comedy Club

and watch him go on at like two in the morning and just start murdering at two in the fucking morning. And I remember he's always said that going, how do you do that? How are you that funny at two in the morning in front of a crowd that gave up on the show like an hour ago, and they're tired and they just want to go home,

that second he steps on stage, boom, he just like, he just starts fucking killing. So, Dave's up there murdering me and Nia, I like just fucking laughing, dying, having a great time. And then he brings John Mayer back on. I don't want to ruin the show for him because I don't know how many they're going to do, but basically if Dave was up there

and he was just saying, like, you know, I was watching fucking Hawaii 5.0, like John, whatever he fucking riffs, and it's clearly that Dave is just riffing, like Mayer can play whatever the fuck he said. And Dave said that at one point, he goes, I don't know if you guys realize this shit, but John Mayer can play whatever he hears.

And then he just started doing all this crazy shit, like make his guitar sound like a cat or a car beeping, like it went beyond, I can play songs, like he can just do noises around the house. But it was fucking, it was fucking incredible. So if you get a chance, I don't know, you know, if you get a chance to go see the show, definitely, definitely go do it.

All right, and with that, let me, speaking of which, let me promote this. Um, the Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, and I forgot to fucking ask Dave Chappelle if he ever wanted to come in and do it. God damn it. Anyways, all right, Patrice O'Neill benefit is on February 20th, 2018.

It makes a great gift for Christmas. This is old copy. Um, whatever. It's a great fucking benefit. We have all these amazing comedians on it. And what a great way to start the year by seeing an all-star lineup of old comedians like myself all the way down to new comedians

that were influenced by Patrice O'Neill. By the way, I'm gonna post this video. Every once a year, I gotta post it. Is that one when Patrice was watching the up and down game? Just his laugh and all of that shit. I just gotta, once a year, I kinda watched that video once a year.

And it's kinda been nice over the years where it became less sad for me to watch it. And now it just, I guess I got to the point in my grief, which I'll never be over him not being around. But I guess I've gotten to the point with my grief where I just, I just think like, I like what an amazing person to have known.

Ah, see, it's still sad. It's always gonna be sad. But can you doubt? It's gonna be fucking sad. So I'll post that for those of you new to the podcast, you know, as the years go by, maybe even new to Patrice, which blows my mind. But I'll post that video and then you can go down

a wonderful, hilarious rabbit hole of anything that fucking guy ever said. So anyways, we're doing a benefit for his loved ones that he was taken care of when he was still alive and all the money after we get done paying for the fucking venue, being up front, being transparent, we'll go to his loved ones. All right, it's on February 20th in New York City.

What a great excuse to go to New York City. Go skating down Rockefeller Center, watch a bunch of great comedians, honor the greatest comic that I ever saw. Patrice O'Neill, February 20th, 2018 at the New York City Center. All right, there we go. Moving on.

Did anybody watch the Celtics versus the Houston fucking Rockets? Holy shit. God damn. What a fucking game that was. James Harden, by the way, is fun to fucking watch. You know, I love about that guy. He doesn't look like a basketball player.

I look at that guy and I go, that guy knows how to play the trumpet. It's something about him, doesn't he? He looks like one of those fucking, like his last name should be Hargrove or some shit. And this, I don't know, somebody's shorts is beard and his hair cut. It's very, he looks ABA-ish,

even though I guess he should have a giant afro. I don't know what, but I taped the game. I heard how amazing was, so I already knew the result. And I watched the game and of course, my fucking, my recording cut off right at the end of the game before Al Horford hit the shot and Harden kind of had a meltdown,

I guess, through Marcus Smart to the floor or some shit. I don't know what happened, but I guess he got pissed. He went a little grunkowsky against the Bills. By the way, congratulations to the Buffalo Bills. I was actually really pulling for you guys. Even though you're in our division or whatever, I just feel like the football gods have punished you guys enough.

It was great to see you guys back, get back in with Tyrod Taylor. So congratulations on that. And then also, can you believe the fucking NFL season is already over? How does that happen? I'll tell you what else I don't understand how it happens is I go to see that unbelievable

Rose Bowl game I just fucking saw. And I didn't even talk about the game. All right, here's my breakdown of the game. Fucking, fucking, here we go. You know, this is gonna be an intelligence breakdown of the game. Oklahoma's going no huddle, the whole fucking first half. Georgia's goddamn head is spinning around.

They don't know what to do. Right before the half, they kick an onside kick, which I get there's six seconds left. You're thinking, all right, I don't want this guy to run this ball back. We'll kick it to an up person. They will fucking tackle them. Yada, yada, yada, and that'll be over.

Who the fuck knew Georgia was gonna come out, throw a quick fucking pass, get in field goal range. And instead of being down by three scores, 17 points, they're only down by two scores. We're like dumb fucking move. And Georgia's getting the goddamn ball. All right? No, no, I'm sorry, Oklahoma got the ball.

They kicked off to him. That was the thing. They were up by 17 fucking points and they were getting the ball after the half. I mean, they had their foot on their fucking neck. I get the onside thing. I don't fault them for that. But in the third quarter, when they stopped going no huddle,

they started playing Marty ball and they're trying to bleed out the fucking clock. I actually get that fucking move. But then Georgia scores a touchdown. Now they've scored 10 unanswered. You're still trying to bleed the clock. They score another touchdown. Now they've gone 17 unanswered.

You're still in your huddle. They score 24 fucking unanswered points to go up by seven before you finally decide out of the fucking blue to go back to no huddle. And the second they go back to no huddle, Georgia has a problem again. Bam, they scored a fucking touchdown.

I'm running out of sound effects. Kazawi, they fumbled the ball. You return it. Now you're up by fucking seven. You just gotta give it to Georgia Bulldogs. Them Georgia goddamn fucking Bulldogs. Wait, they came back, tied it up. And for the first time ever in a hundred

and I don't know how many goddamn years of the fucking Rose Bowl, all right? They had an overtime game and it doesn't just go to one overtime. It goes to two, two over times. Congratulations to the Georgia Bulldogs on an amazing victory. I don't know why I was, I was actually,

even though I'm a big SEC guy, I was kind of torn. I was a little emotionally torn. I was rooting for Oklahoma for whatever fucking reason. I just decided I was gonna root for them. I don't have anything against Georgia, but I was actually also on another level kind of psyched to see Georgia win because Jay Lawhead is so fucking pissed

that Ohio State didn't get in and he thinks the SEC is totally fucking overrated. And he was arguing for the Pac-12. He was arguing, at one point he was fucking arguing. And I was like, Jesus Christ, Jay, it's eight o'clock. You're already fucking whining about the Buckeyes. And he said the most innocent voice ever. He pointed at somebody else at the tailgate.

He goes, he brought it up. He brought it, he went from like going, and we had it on, and we fucking bought it on, we beat Penn State. And then all of a sudden he goes, he brought it up. So I thought it was kind of funny, you know, and then Alabama also won. So both SEC teams that got in

are now gonna play for the championship. So the SEC is gonna win another fucking title. It just cracks me up that that's gonna bug Jay Lawhead. And he just will not admit that the Ohio State Buckeyes had no fucking business last year of being one of the final four, considering they lost to Penn State and then Penn State won the title.

He goes, Bill, you're not listening to what I'm saying. I'm saying that Penn State got screwed. But that's all he'll say. He will not say that Ohio State did not deserve to be in there last year, despite the fact that they then went there and lost 24-7. And he's all fucking Deshaun Watson was fucking unbelievable. It's like, dude, he wasn't tackling guys too.

You scored no points. So I feel like Ohio State this year got punished for the fucking snooze fest. They basically ate their balls last year and wanted to get another Saturday night, eight o'clock spot at the club. They're like, no buddy, you're gonna get a Wednesday. And I actually think that Ohio State

would have done great considering when I watched their game, how their front four are all first and second round draft picks on the defensive side. I actually agree with Jay Lawhead, but you don't get your cake and eat it. You don't get to suck and get in and lose by 24 points and don't even score one fucking point the year before.

And then the next year, when you're actually good enough to get in, also get rewarded. So that's my beef. That's my beef with Jay Lawhead, but I still love the guy to death. So we'll get over it. Anyways, amazing fucking game.

And we went the whole game without having an incident until the very end. I don't know what happened. Bartnick was a little boozed up and I think he bumped into somebody in front of us and this fucking guy, who I swear to God was as old as me, starts yelling at Bartnick.

And Bartnick is just staring at him and I'm just staring at him. And he's like, I'm being nice. Stop bumping and we just fucking stare at him. And I'm looking at this guy like, dude, you're as old as me and you're yelling at the human version of a fucking Kodiak bear.

And the guy didn't know what we, he was waiting for us to respond and we didn't respond to me. It was just Lawhead. We were all just staring at the guy and then he just looks at Joe and he goes, fuck you. He fucking turns around.

It's like, dude, between all of us we were about 225 years old. This is the first Rose Bowl ever that is going into fucking overtime. You want to, you want to get kicked out. You want to roll around on these stadium floors with your fucking, this guy wasn't even wearing true religion jeans,

which become dad jeans in the last fucking 12 years. He's, he went, I think he was, he was probably wearing the, you know, the Lee jeans and on the tag it just said giant bold letters, Lee, you know, which where I came from basically meant, you know, your family was barely, could barely afford to live in a blue collar town

if you had the Lee jeans, the Lee jeans and the gap jeans, you know, you had to have Levi. You had to have Lee. That's how simple life was back then. If you had Levi, that meant that your parents were actually doing well. Okay. And it, before a diesel jeans came in and fucked it, just fucked it all up.

You know, jeans were like 25, 30 bucks. And I know with inflation, we'll just say jeans were like 50 bucks, right? Then all of a sudden diesel comes along and then like twice that. And the next thing you know, there's like $200 pairs of jeans that suffocate your balls

and still can't get up and over your flat ass. I don't fucking understand what, I don't understand jeans. And then they're tapered in down the bottom like you're going to do ballet and people need to see your feet, right? Like you're going to reenact the thriller video. I don't know.

Anyways, let's read some of the fucking the letters here over the, that I got if I can find them. Oh, I guess I didn't copy and paste them, did I? Where are they? All right, here we go. This is a very dramatic email. It's the name of this email is goodbye.

Dear Bill, I'm sadly no longer a fan. It's really too bad because I was a huge fan. All right, what do you think I did? What did I say? Who did I say it about? Went to see you and Paul Verzi in Albany, New York. Oh, that was a great show. And I have watched every one of your specials

as well as efforts for family. And I'm an avid podcast listener. All right, so what he's doing now, he or she is doing is establishing that they listen to every fucking thing that I do. This is what everybody does when they complain. You can't just complain. You have to establish credibility.

Like when people argue politics, they sit there and they go, hey, I'm a Democrat. I'm for gay marriage, I'm for legalizing the pot, but this Obama has gone too far. All right, or the other way around. I'm fucking blah, blah, blah, but this Trump, this is what everybody does, all right. He goes, I'm not super religious.

Oh, Jesus. You're not super religious, but I obviously said something about your God. All right, but you took it too far when you trashed Jesus and anyone who believes in them. And the fuck did I do that? Dude, do you understand that this is unscripted? I don't remember half the shit I said today.

I mean, if you want to take it seriously, by all means, he goes, you take your shots here and there, which is tolerable, but in the 1228, 17 replay portion of the podcast, it was just too much. Oh, I got to listen to that one. I didn't hear it the first time and I wish whomever is picking the replays had more of an inkling than to play that expert excerpt

as much as I wish you didn't say it. Well, aren't you glad that they played it? So now you can know how bad a person I am. This probably won't matter to you because at this point you don't need me anymore. Oh, come on, come back into the comedy hut. That being said, I've been a big promoter and a supporter for a long time.

This has to be a woman. This is just doing, just going 100% guilt. I'm sure you will never read this as you probably have a screener at this point. Just taking a shot. I do wish you continued success. Ah, look at this. And they're still going to go out as a class.

This person's a class. And nothing but the best for you and the lovely Mia. It's Nia with an N. You know what? I'm saying goodbye to you. The amount of times that I said Nia on the podcast and you still don't even know my wife's name and you have the nerve to get upset with me

because I trashed the old J-Star there. What would Jesus do? Jesus would forgive me and continue to listen to the podcast, wouldn't he? I would think. Anyways, that being said, for the lovely Mia and your daughter in there, Boston sucks and go fuck yourself.

PS, check out Gary Newman's new album, All Synth, but really cool, all right? PSS, if you don't read this, or if you do read this, don't use a Southern accent because I'm from New York, LOL. You know what? You're gonna be back. I got a feeling you're gonna be back.

I love these fucking people that it's just like, all the dumb shit that I say. I've trashed people that smoke weed, I trash women, I trash Jesus, I trashed fucking anybody who's a Republican, anybody who's a Democrat, all of this fucking shit. And everybody listens and listens and listens and all of a sudden once it fucking comes into your world,

I trash above ground pools. And all of a sudden I gotta listen to somebody going, hey, you know, just because I can't afford to dig a goddamn hole in my backyard. You know, look at that, right there, offensive to Southern people. As if there's people up North that can't afford to fucking have a backhoe come in there

and whatever the fuck it is that they do, right? Dig into the goddamn ground. Hey, you know what I mean? All right, so you draw the line at Jesus, well, there you go. I mean, as far as my limited understanding of Jesus and what exactly it was he was trying to prove with all his party tricks, with the fish

and the bread over there, I think he was a very forgiving person, sir. So I think if you're truly into the teachings of Jesus and you're truly strong enough spiritually, you can handle one 20 minute fucking clip from a goddamn podcast from a few fucking years ago. You know what the real thing is here, sir? Is you need to grow up.

Okay, what I am saying is not gonna infiltrate into your fucking soul and all of a sudden make you possessed and have you kill your whole family. Why can't you just look at me and feel sad for me that I'm gonna go to hell and that you're gonna go to heaven? You're gonna be in a little puffy cloud there as I'm burning forever, right?

Why don't you just look at it that way? All right. It's not that he's leaving, it's that all the dumb shit that I say, all of the dumb shit that I fucking say, and then it's that one thing. You look past everything else. All right, but whatever, you know, more power to you.

God bless you. God bless you and your search. I wish you well on your search to a Jesus only positivity podcast, all right? All right, your journey to AA. Dear Billy, two shift drinking albino, ginger dad bod, once a solid C cup, now a solid A cup, sir moves a lot.

There's a mouthful, all right. Me and another friend of Bill W agree that your qualifying story for AA is unfolding perfectly. All right, here we go. I'm an alcoholic, so you must be an alcoholic. All right, I'm gonna lose this guy as a fan. I hate fucking AA people. There's nothing more self-involved

than someone who is an addictive personality. And all they think is whatever happened to them, whatever they're going through, you also have to be going through because they are the center of the fucking universe. All right, from your off the wagon, on the wagon, off the wagon, to your let's try some control drinking,

you are perfect AA material. Can't wait to hear about your surrender and your acknowledgement that you lack and that lack of power is your dilemma. Oh, Jesus Christ. Stop projecting all of your shit, you fucking loser. I fucking hate people in AA. I really do, not all of them, but people like this.

Listen, dude, just because you were under the sink during your kid's birthday, drinking fucking mouthwash, don't break my balls over a fucking gig. I don't have to go to your dumb ass fucking meeting. I've gone to some AA meetings. Dude, the stories you guys tell, my jaw is on the fucking ground. You guys make me look like a fucking fairy.

He's in denial right now, gag, gag, gag, gag. Dude, I'm gonna tell you something that I just did. I just went off the wagon for six days, drank like an animal yesterday, and while I was drunk, effortlessly said, you know what, I'm not drinking anymore. Effortlessly, I didn't have to surrender and say, I have no power over this, but bad, bad, bad.

I don't need to go down to your dumb ass group and smoke cigarettes and eat donuts with all you guys down there with your blown out, fucking wallflower noses. All right, I'm fine. Anyways, and your discovery that there is a power greater than yourself, one who can solve all your problems.

Yeah, or one that you can dump all your shit on. It's a great life. You could even say it's a life second to none. One day at a time, easy does it, keep it simple, stupid. I just can't wait to hear you speak from the podium, delivering a message of hope. It's not the meetings you make. It's the steps you take.

Thankfully, there are only 12 of them. Ugh, love your biggest 32 year old blonde Nigerian fan. Hey, God bless you and your sobriety, but no. All right. Whatever. This is how my sobriety works. I just like how I feel when I'm sober. From a total, I like how I look.

I like the weight that I become. It's total vanity and there becomes a point in your life where you just, you're just too fucking old to drink. It just beats the shit out of you. So thank you, sir, but I don't need to go down there and surrender and you know, I'm telling you right now, if you think you're a fucking alcoholic, go to a goddamn AA meeting.

These fucking people, I swear to God, they'll tell stories where like, like they're sitting there, half their nose is hanging off their face and they're just going like, so I take some duct tape and I fucking tape my nose back onto my face. And all I'm thinking is I got to go back to liquor store and get more booze, man.

When I got arrested for drinking and driving about 30 fucking years ago, I remember, I was required to go to two AA meetings and I was like, these people are out of their fucking, and every story was that. And then I belted my wife in the face. I actually hit my wife over the head with our own child. And the crazy thing is, I was thinking like,

you know what, I got to go get a drink. And now look, I shouldn't be laughing at people that have that much of a fucking problem, okay? But I can tell you this, sir, I don't need to surrender to anything. All right? I know that there are times in my life when I drink too much and I have the ability

to look at myself, say I have a problem and then fucking walk away from it. That's it, all right? And I want to tell you, I want you to answer me. Name one of your fucking AA friends down there that can come off the wagon and drink like I did yesterday. I drank six out of seven days. I had two drinks one day, I had a beer the next day,

didn't drink the next day. I had two drinks at the John Mayer Chappelle thing and then had two drinks the next day and then fucking got hammered at the Rose Bowl. And now I can just be like, I'd fuck that, I'm not doing that now. That's it, I can do that, sir. I'm sorry that you can't do that.

I'm sorry that you need to go down there and put your arms around a bunch. I had, well, I'll go down together. They got to give you a little chip every little fucking cookie. You know, God bless you. How many fucking people might lose it on this podcast? God bless you, buddy. If that's what the fuck you have to do.

Are you one of those alcoholics too who's still a fucking cunt, you know, and then blames everything on your fucking disease? Oh, sorry, bro, I just got a lot of shit coming up. You know, you got that built in fucking excuse. Anyways, not saying they're all like that because I know a lot of cool people that are in fucking AA, but like,

I really think that if you're an alcoholic that when you're drinking, your life just like falls apart. It really does. You know what I mean? I mean, I wake up hungover for flights and it sucks. And I definitely am not a casual drinker. I'm definitely a fucking binge drinker.

And I know that I shouldn't be doing that shit. But if I actually had a real fucking job, that's my biggest problem is I don't have a fucking job. So like, I have to tell you, like when, you know, when I'm like really fucking busy and I have shit to do, I don't really drink. But the thing is like right now, it's fucking Tuesday. It's nine in the morning.

I'm sitting here in my fucking pajamas and I could just sit here for the rest of the rest of the goddamn week. I don't have anything to do. I mean, if I wasn't so fucking responsible, patting myself on the back. I mean, there's a bunch of shit that I could just put off to next week.

I mean, I don't have anything to do. I could just put off to next week and I could just sit here drinking non fucking stop. So that's the problem. My problem is my fucking free time. So I respect the fact that you're trying to help me. My wife, my wife, on the other hand, I've told her a bunch of times saying,

am I an alcoholic? She goes, God, Bill, you're not an alcoholic. You're not a fucking alcoholic. So I would think that she would know she lives with me, but I appreciate it. And all he's gonna say the whole time is he's in denial. He hasn't been willing to fucking accept. You know what alcoholics are like?

They're like Madonna. You know, Madonna always just did over the top shocking stuff, you know what I mean? And then if you've been like Madonna, that music video sucked and then they get to hide behind. Well, all I was looking for was a reaction. It's art. Art is just, you know, you can't judge it and blah,

no, that fucking stinks. So there you go. I don't know, listen, I'm open to the idea if I am an alcoholic, but there's no fucking way I'll ever be able to go to a meeting. There's no way I'm not gonna go down there and just not fucking laugh my balls off, listening to your fucking stories

that would make Keith Richards go, Jesus Christ. I know a guy that fucking, he drank so much. He did a face plant, his fucking teeth. One of his teeth fucking went through his lower lip. All right. And he woke up the next day with his fucking lips looking like a goddamn duck bill. And he immediately grabbed a fucking, you know,

a 40 ounce or they put a straw in it. So he could keep drinking as the alcohol, most of it was going in his mouth. Part of it was going through the hole that was in his face. As much as more and as I am, I'd be like, all right, you know what, I'm gonna take a fucking year off at this point, you know, so whatever.

Sir, I actually, I think that there's different degrees of abusing alcohol. I definitely abuse it, admittedly, I'm wrong. And it's definitely got not a control, but I'm like a habit guy. Like if I'm working out, I'm fucking working out like a maniac. If I'm sitting around and I'm eating bad food,

I eat bad food like a fucking maniac, but not to the point of like someone that has addiction. Like I'll eat bad to the point I put on 15, 20 pounds. I don't have to be cut out of my house. I don't balloon up a hundred fucking pounds the way somebody who's addicted to food would. All right. And I'll go out and I'll go on a fucking booze binge

and be like, I got to knock this off. What the fuck am I doing? I got to knock this off. And I'm just kind of able to do it. And I feel like I have to apologize to you that I'm able to do that. Sorry, I mean, look, like I'm done right now. I will have no problem going,

I don't know as long as I fucking want to go. You know, it's not like I'm never gonna have a glass of wine with a great fucking meal again. But I don't know, whatever. I appreciate your concern, but I am going to be sober now just out of vanity because I got this new fucking diet, right? And the Dean Del Rey was telling me about,

and when I do the, when I'm on his diet, if I just go for a fucking walk around the block with my lovely daughter, I do that a couple of times a day and I'm not drinking and I'm not eating sugar or anything like that. I barely have to work out. And I, the fucking, everything just falls off you. And it's the easiest way to stay in shape.

And I fucking hate working out. So that's way more appealing to me than as much fun as I had over the last fucking week. I mean, it's way more appealing at my age, you know? And plus I got a kid, you know? I got to have a kid and I can't be like fucking, I just can't do it. I just can't do it.

I can't have it in my fucking life and that's it. So I don't need to go down there and do all of that bullshit, all right? I'm a comedian, all right? I don't like groups. All right, lady who's bad at arguing. Dear Billy Backward Balls, Backwards Balls. I'm actually a 15 year old girl.

Oh, Jesus! The fuck, Andrew, you trying to get me in trouble here? So I guess you couldn't say, really say that I'm a lady. Oh my God, this is already creeping me out yet, but I love your podcast and listen to a 24 seven because I feel like balanced needs, oh, balanced needs to be restored to the world after all the females listening to Dr. Phil

and loose women have gotten a slightly fucked up view on things. I respect that you're not gonna let mainstream media have the only say on the truth. In other words, what you're saying is you like to hear my opinion. I'm not always right, but you'll listen to it. I appreciate that.

All right, my whole life, the 15 years of my life, Jesus Christ, this shit in my house that for 15 years I've been meaning to get to it. Your whole life is 15 years, that's incredible. My whole life, I've been bad at arguing. Either I say the wrong thing at the wrong time or I focus on the wrong point or I am easily manipulated by guilt trips, et cetera.

Whatever it is, I can never get it right or stand my ground. For example, I have this one friend who is literally three, I was a literal three-year-old on the inside. I thought you said you were hanging out with a three-year-old. I was like, this is getting even more creepy. I can't say shit to her without her crying. One time she wanted some of my food, but I told her that I hadn't had breakfast

and couldn't share that day. She said to me, you're so mean, what the fuck is your problem? What, yeah, you get that person out of your life. I just gave her some food because I hate it when people think bad about me, but inside I was like, bitch, what? It took me like two hours to realize that she didn't even think I was mean.

She just wanted the food and she knew how to get it. Oh my God, do you know something? Your thought process, it took me till I was 37 to realize that. You're way ahead of the curve here. What you're realizing for the first time in your life is that there's people out there that are not good people. See, so what I did was I went out into the world, where you are as a 15-year-old

and existed as that person till about 37 before I actually started to examine human behavior. And yeah, so where you are right now is when you first start to realize that there's these constant life, what's gonna happen is like two or three days later or an hour later, after the moment, you're gonna be like, oh fuck.

Yeah, she said blah, blah, blah, blah, not because she meant that, it's because she wanted X, Y, and Z. Well, the more you do that, the more you're gonna be able to be in the moment and you're gonna catch people in the moment. And then once you're able to do it in real time, people aren't gonna be able to fuck with you anymore.

And then the only thing you'll have to learn how to do is the judgment, is this worth me applying this skill in real time? Like yesterday, that guy who turned around yelled fuck you at Bartnick and all that. There was like four of us, one of him, overtime Rose Bull, not even worth engaging. We all just stared at him and then he didn't know what to do.

He yelled fuck you and then he turned around and he felt good. He said fuck you to four guys, we didn't do anything. He feels good and insecure around his wife, you know? And nobody got kicked out, nobody had to fight or whatever. And then there's other times when you actually say something back. So anyway, I'll read the rest of this,

but right out of the gate, you're being too hard on yourself. Right, most of the girls in my class are pretty weak physically. And it happens to be that as a girl, I have unnaturally broad shoulders, excuse the pun, and weigh about two pounds more than most of them. The fact is hard to ignore when you're staring at their cunt faces while they giggle behind their hands.

I have violent tendencies, which I'm working on, but I know I can beat the shit out of them, and that makes it so much harder to verbally argue. They are much better at it than me. So even when I'm right, I lose and I always end up wanting to just uppercut, send an uppercut straight to their fucking skull. Whatever, all right.

I would love a few pointers as to what to do in an argument and how to tell them when I'm being manipulated before I start latching onto the fucked up mind game of doing things. Some advice would be great. Thanks a lot and go fuck yourself. PS, me and my sister have a huge difference agreement because it's my personal opinion

that guys who have a girlfriend should still be able to go to strip clubs and have a good time without their girlfriend getting mad. My sister says that for me to say that I must have no respect for myself and we'll end up with a piece of shit guy. Jesus, those are two extreme opinions. Am I right or do I have some sort of self-respect issues

that I'm not aware of yet? All right, let me comment on the first fucking thing. All right, kids are me, kids bully, they gang up on you. You never should resort to physical violence, all right? But what you gotta do is you gotta fight fire with fire. So what you have to do, all right, is nobody's perfect. So you have to find that fucking thing, all right? You have to find that fucking thing, all right?

And you just get them with that, all right? And then they know it will hurt their feelings, especially if they're good-looking, popular people. You can really fucking get to them, all right? Like here's something that I do, that I learned to do after years of arguing with people after my shows. You know, if somebody came up to me and was like,

hey, let me tell you something, that's stuff you said about women and you're a fucking gaga. And as they yelled all of that, I used to try to argue my points going, well, hey, you know, it's just jokes. I also made fun of people in that hurricane, you didn't get offended by that.

You know what I learned to do? When someone was giving, when they were giving me shit, I would just go, hey, you got something between your teeth. That's what I would say, even though they didn't. And then they would be so fucking mortified, they'd walk away and then they'd be going like, you know, sucking on their teeth and shit. And it just shut them the fuck up.

So you need to find your version of that, okay? So what I would do is I would really study them, all right? And what you got to do is you just got to find something that's wrong with them. Maybe their ear lobes are too big. And I know this is very immature and this is super fucking mean. And that as an adult, I shouldn't tell you to do this

because adults go, well, those people, they're not your real friends. You don't need to stoop to their level and they give you all this fucking air quote, mature advice. But you know what, that doesn't help you when you go back into the shit the next day. Tell a teacher, none of that shit fucking works, all right? Because those fucking evil fucking cunts

with terrible parents are gonna find the time, they're gonna find you. So that's what I would do, all right? There's no way one of them doesn't have a slightly crooked nose. There's no way one of them's titty isn't a little bit bigger than the other or maybe their nipples point down.

There's something fucked up about their chin. You gotta fight fire with fire. If they're talking about your fucking shoulders, all right? First of all, learn to laugh at yourself, all right? Like, look at me, I'm an old freckled bald redheaded cunt, okay? And all of those things should really end any dream that I ever had in life.

But if you just roll with it, if you steer into it, and if I just be an old bald redheaded cunt, then what can you do to me? You just, you gotta get comfortable. I would get more comfortable with yourself, all right? And I'm sure your shoulders are fine and all of that stuff. And when they make fun of your shoulders, laugh, and then I would say, yeah, my shoulders are as fucked up

as your crooked titties. Or just you somehow, you laugh at your shit and then you fucking, you get them. You get them, just tell them, you just go, do you want, you know, just tell them they got bad breath, you got any, I don't, just, you'll find, I wish, you know what, you could have, if you just could have sent me a picture of them,

I would have helped you out, but then I would have gotten in trouble. Cause you're teaching them to bully, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. You know, all of these people who wanna, who wanna fix problems with five minutes on fucking Dr. Phil, by the way, did I call it? You see that big scandal over there? And I granted innocent until proven guilty.

Oh, Dr. Phil, fucking bringing the guests up a notch there. All right, I punched a girl. Whoa, here's another one. Hey, Bill, like your input on a situation, I was recently, I was recently at a concert, some drunk skank accused me of stealing her friend's phone. I told her, you got the wrong guy. Her and her father friend tried to wrestle

my phone away from me, and I pushed them off. Then she sucker punched me in the eye, big bruised, bloody eye, and her friend snatched my phone out of my pocket. Due to work that came up, and I told them what happened, he didn't seem to believe, and was clearly buddy, buddy with the girl. So they go off, and we're giggling around.

Giggling around, I don't know what that means. After a few minutes, I go up to a, to a fatso. Oh, I go up to fatso and tell her to give me my phone back. She realized it was mine and handed it over. As I went to walk away, skank number one in her douchebag boyfriend accosted me again and grabbed me. I punched both of them in the face, and then security escorted me out.

I think I was justified to hit her in this case. What say you? Then go fuck yourself. Yeah, I say, I don't have a problem with any of that. I don't have a problem. Someone gets physical with you, you know, you take one punch to the eye, you're all physically fucked up,

you didn't do anything wrong. At some point, you gotta defend yourself. All right, God bless you. I think you showed remarkable restraint to only hit them both once. That was an easy one. I wouldn't even, I wouldn't be even concerned about it. Not at all.

And in fact, you probably made both of them better people. Hopefully, probably not. But you know, if I, when you get punched in the face, you know, if you're an adult at some point, you gotta be looking at yourself going like, all right, did I do something there? If you didn't, then you're like, all right, this person's an asshole and I need to have them

out of my life. But you know, if you did, you gotta be like, hey, that's kind of shooting my mouth out there, right? That's what I would do. All right, got two girls pregnant, help. Dude, I can't help you. There's no help for this. I buckled down for the next fucking 18 years.

All right, hello, Bill, I have a big problem and I'm hoping that you and the lovely Nia can help out with it. All right, let me start by saying that I don't live in a trailer or something. I'm a normal 26 year old guy. I was dating this girl and we broke up a couple months ago.

When we broke up a couple weeks later, I met this little hottie. I started hooking up with her and then I got a call a couple weeks ago. My ex is three months pregnant with my child and she's keeping it. I then broke things off with the hottie. Well, guess what?

I knocked her up too. Buddy, did you ever take a health class? Do you know how to fucking, how people get pregnant? Neither one knows the other is pregnant and I have no idea what to do. I broke things off with the hottie to work on being there for my ex and the kid. I want to be there for her and help her out

with all the prenatal stuff and be a great dad. Now it seems my life is not going to be that way. The other girl wants to have the baby too. I use protection with this girl, but not enough, I guess. Well, what does that mean? Dude, if you use the condom, I would get a maternity. First of all, I would make both of them subject to it.

Okay, cause you broke up for a couple of months, right? Get a maternity test times two. Do not give either one of them a fucking dime or else, you know, in some states, the second you start paying, that kid is yours. That's the first thing I would do. First thing I would do was tell both of them your situation. The second thing I'd make both of them, get a fuck.

Is it a maternity test? A paternity test, I said maternity. Paternity test, there you go. Oh, Jesus. The other girl wants to have the baby too, blah, blah, blah. My ex was on birth control, yet I still knocked her up. If I had to be with one of them, it would be the new girl because she is hotter.

I'm a pig, sue me. And we also like a lot of the same things. What should I do? I'm so sick and exhausted of worrying about this. I just want to do the right things. Thank you and go fuck yourself. Well, I would tell both of them what's going on. I would get a paternity test, not a maternity test.

Get a paternity test and make sure those are your kids. And I would, if you want to be with the hottie, be with the hottie. There you go. And then I would stay in the life of the other one. That's what I would do. And I would fucking get a vasectomy or cut up a garden hose

because whatever the fuck you're using is not working. All right, that's the podcast. Oh, it's a long one hour and 20 minutes here. Happy new year to everybody. Good luck to you. I apologize to anybody in AA or whatever the fuck it is. And that's it. I'm sipping my tea, gonna go eat healthy, all right?

And I will go back to booze at some point if I fucking want to. Cause I don't think I have a problem. All right, that's it. I'll check in on you on Thursday. The Leuze presents Cook Me with your My The Leuze App. It's from now on.

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