Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-23

Episode Date: January 2, 2023

Bill rambles about the NFL, New Years Eve, and knowing how to do stuff.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you'd like to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea Um Oh fucking Billy Boilermaker over here is feeling a lot better. Thank you to Modern Medicine.

See, it's not all bad. Not saying it's all good. Not saying it's honest. Not saying it's not fixed. I'm just saying, man, when you actually go to a doctor rather than talking to your friend or going on the internet, they seem to know what the fuck they're doing. And sure, you leave with a couple of microchips in you and all of a sudden you don't mind Joe Biden, but you know what? Your cough goes away. And in the end, isn't it all about you as the individual? Huh, as you go out and you buy more shit, you don't fucking need that's made out of plastic,

and then you stick it in the blue bin for recycling, knowing full well they don't recycle that shit. Knowing full well it's going to end up in the ocean, but you know what? We're not going to see it. You might stumble upon a video that shows it. And the second you hear that sad music, you're like, I don't want to watch this. I had a tough day, man. I don't want to deal with where that fucking hula hoop went. Right? So you put on another video. Epic fails. You know what I like watching? I like watching Asians in Asia in the motherland on fucking scooters with too much shit on them.

Trying to get down this. First of all, it's fucking amazing the amount of shit you can get on a goddamn scooter. And then literally the speed that people will drive with all of that shit are possibly four or five passengers. It's incredible. It's like Keystone cops. It's like a silent movie comedy. I'm into that. I'm into the people. I go all around the world for failures. If I want to see somebody in Australia fail, I'll watch fucking Jerkoff picks up poison a snake. You know, that's a fun genre. I go to America. I'm in America, you know, and I'll tell you what rest of the world, I don't see failure. What I just see is a bunch of people, a bunch of heroes having having the courage to attempt something.

All right, England. I see failure all over the. I'm kidding. America, what you got to go with their skateboarding. You got to go with that, you know, these fucking tricks some of these kids learn. You know, my daughter has been watching Ninja kids and some of the shit that these kids do, you know, flipping around. They're basically like gymnast gymnast mixed with like Ninja warriors and some of the stuff that they do, you're like, how in the fuck do you learn how to do that? And so he's like, well, you know, they fucking jump into a foam pit, you know, that's like those fucking guys on those motocross bikes, motorcycles, right? And they fucking do like a goddamn backflip on a bike, hold onto the seat, pull a bike back underneath them and then land. It's like, how the fuck do you learn how to do that? They're like, oh, you know, they practice in a foam pit. Yeah, until they don't. And then there's that first time you do it.

Okay. No foam on this one, man. Like, I don't know how the fuck you do that. You got to be the first time you do that. You got to be like, fuck. Because it's not only coming around and landing it, you got to land on like the ramp. And if you overshoot the ramp, you're going to like dislocate your spine. I don't know. It's a whole other level. You know, there's a lot of older people, my generation, shitting on younger people, because that's what you do as an older person. And all you younger people who are sitting there like, hey, man, fuck these older people, harsh in my mellow, man. Did anybody ever say that, by the way? I never heard that line until, I don't know, I had an acting gig in like the 90s.

That's also like the thing about, it's like when somebody writes it in a script, then people attribute it to the actual people, you know? Like for some reason, I think I've talked about this before. God knows I've been talking to myself on this fucking thing since 2007. So forgive me if I repeat a story. Don't you love when people do that, when they're fucking it up and then they put the guilt of it on you? That's what I just did there. That's what I just did there. I forgot my story. Oh, I know, when they fucking, they try to make it seem like people in Boston said wicked pissa. Oh, that's wicked pissa. Nobody ever said that. They'd say he's wicked, stupid. Oh, that's fucking pissa, but nobody ever said wicked pissa.

That kind of havid yad is wicked pissa. You know, they just try to combine everything. I bet that's true with a lot of shit. I do know any time there's a hit movie about a specific part of the world, whenever I go to tour there, I do a standup. Whenever, let's tour there, Bill. Let's take it down a few. Whenever I go there to tell my shit jokes at some casino, somebody always has to come up to me and be like, did you see the movie, you know, basically about this place and I would be like, yes, I did. And they go, yeah, nobody talks like that. We don't fucking talk like that, all right? It's like, all right, well, you kind of do, you know, I guess we kind of say wicked pissa.

We just don't say it together, but then they say it enough times and then people will actually start doing it. I also noticed that like, I remember when like the Red Sox one in 2004 and ESPN just kept saying people in New England are not going to know what to do, you know, because we had lost for almost 100 years, they're not going to know what to do. And then sure enough, they start interviewing fucking people in Massachusetts. Of course, they're all on like fishing boats, you know, because that's what, you know, there's so many lobster fishermen up there. I love that they always try to do that too, right? And then they literally start interviewing them. People are like, I don't know what to do. They literally just, they fed you the fucking line enough times.

You watched it and then you fucking said it and you never noticed. You never noticed like, I wasn't saying that. They said that I was saying it and then when they put the camera in my face, I said what they said I was going to say. How do you not do that? And then you don't feel like a fucking, you don't feel dirty. Speaking of dirty, let's talk about the filthy NFL. The more I watch this shit, the more I watch the NFL hashtag gamble on it, the more I'm starting to get the NBA in the 2000s vibes. When I would be watching the NBA and I was telling all my fucking friends, this shit is fixed.

I'm telling you, they're shaving points to something fucking going on here. And everybody's, oh, Billy's got his fucking tinfoil hat on, right? And then they find up a mobbed, they find a mobbed up ref. They do the classic Oswald thing. Ah, it was just him. He did the whole fucking thing. And then years later, they do one of those fucking, you know, and ones or whatever the fuck it was called on Netflix. It wasn't called the end one.

They did a thing on the end one. I forget what the name of the series was. It was basically Netflix's 30 for 30. And they showed like the corruption was the front office, a bunch of other fucking refs. And they just put it on that Donahue guy. I'm getting those vibes on the NFL. Now, granted, it is because I'm gambling and I'm a fucking sore loser. So take some of this with a grain of fucking salt.

Can we put the goddamn toys away where they belong? Jesus Christ, it drives me fucking nuts here. You know, you get all of these fucking toys and they just leave them all over the place. Anyway, if I see one more fucking game, I like this. Like I'm making this threat like, oh, what, Bill? You're going to stop watching and start reading? Of course you're not. This is bread and circus and you're fucking eating it up every goddamn week.

This is what happens every fucking goddamn game that if I bet the favorite, if I'm laying points on the fucking affair, the other team cannot move the fucking ball. And this is something I know I keep talking about this, but I don't give a fuck. If I see one more fucking offense that cannot move a ball for an entire fucking half and all of a sudden they get the ball back and there's a minute and 48 left. What do the announcers always say? There's plenty of time left.

There's plenty. Maybe they left too much time. What do you mean they left too much time? They've been playing almost 30 minutes of football. They haven't been able to score a fucking point. And then for some fucking reason, when there's two minutes left, all of a sudden there's too much time. The first 28 minutes, nothing fucking happens in the second half.

It's like they cue the announcers. The announcers say plenty of time left, but did they leave too much time? I'll tell you right now, they got three timeouts. That's plenty of time to move the ball down the field. It's like based on what? They haven't been able to move the fucking ball since the second quarter. They've had 28 fucking minutes to move the fucking ball in the second half and they haven't been able to.

And the second, one of those wavy-haired cunts up in the booth goes, there's plenty of fucking time left. They turn into fucking Joe Montana. To John Taylor, 15 yards, 11 yards, 7 yards, 22 yards. There field go range. Every fucking game, not every game, so many fucking games become these fucking heart attack games. And the other team just concedes after playing defense for 28 minutes

we're now just going to give them a fucking score. I watched that with the Dolphins game. Dolphins weren't doing shit. They had a backup fucking quarterback, you know. I'm laying a fucking point and a half. We're up by like fucking eight or nine and I'm just like, ah, here we go. They're just going to give them a touchdown.

Big bang, boom, fucking touchdown. Right, right down the fucking field. And now I have to sit there, my ass all puckered. Open Mack Jones and them can go into the victory formation and get me out of the fucking game. The only other game I watched, the end of the game, I watched the fucking Ravens versus Steelers. 13 to nine, nobody scored, nobody scored.

Minute left fucking Steelers. Big bang, boom, fucking touchdown. Right down the fucking field. Week after week, game after game, you just see the fucking prevent defense. Actually, I don't even think the Ravens were in that. I don't know, that might have been a legit one. I'm not saying they all are, but that's stupid prevent defense.

I'm telling you, I am convinced of this. It comes from the marketing department of the NFL, which I learned this week. Okay. Those cunts are not registered as a sports league. They're registered as an entertainment league. All right. I mean, that's some federal reserve shit right there.

You can't, you can't convince me otherwise. I 100% percent believe, I believe the Jumbotron is used for crowd control now. I'm sure that their marketing department will be like, well, everybody's on their screens. We just don't, God forbid we fucking let them sit there and talk about the goddamn game. Every second there's a stop at your fucking play.

That Jumbotron comes on, you know, where's the, where's the peanut? Huh? Which, which car is underneath and everybody's sister going, Hey, I don't know. Maybe it prevents drunks from beating the fuck out of each other. But I actually, you know, now that I've just been this whiny fucking con for like the last six minutes, I actually think that what really all of this is,

is the ramblings of a man who's now, you know, in his mid fifties. And the fascinating thing about being in your mid fifties, is that once you get to like 54, pushing 55, as I am, capitalism is done with you. Okay, they have no more use for you. And the same way the game, a player gets too old to play, the same way the game passes a coach by, even the greatest coaches, if they hang around too long,

everybody sees what they're doing. They break it down. They steal it, you know. And then they literally become a parody of himself, you know, which I've never understood that how you become a parody of yourself. It's like, no, you just know who I am at this point. I guess that means you stop growing as an artist. Maybe that's what it means.

I don't know what the fuck it means. But all I know is you get to be my age. And you start doing this thing where you're like, hey man, like things aren't the way they used to be. And you do that for like 10 years waiting for someone to give a fuck. You know, because in your head you still feel like you're 20 and you think that people care what you think. And it takes you, if you're, you're like me,

it takes you a good 10 years to get out of your ego to realize that you're just an old man now and nobody cares what you have to say. So that's where I am. So I feel like I am now going to maybe go into semi-retirement as a sports fan, which is great, which is sort of like mentally, you know, it's, it's sort of the, I don't know what the mental version, I guess the hobby version of becoming an empty nester that day

when your last kid moves out and like, you don't even know what to fuck to do with all of this free time. You know, so you probably get a dog, just pay way too much attention to it, you know, to the point the dog actually wish you left it at the pound. Yeah, I don't, I don't ever remember when I was a kid them saying there's plenty of time left with fucking a minute 50 left. There wasn't plenty of time left.

It was like, they better get their fucking asses moving because there's no time left. There's not plenty of fucking time left with a minute 50 in a fucking football game. If you haven't moved the fucking ball at all, it's just the announcers are either in on it or they fucking know that the other teams just going to start giving them like a 10, 15 yard fucking cushion.

They've watched enough game. Oh, dude, I have so many fucking conspiracy. This is another thing too. I cannot fucking believe. You know, I still can't believe everybody is like, can you believe fucking marijuana is legal? I can't believe sports gambling is fucking legal. Like to the point that the leagues are in on it

and that they don't feel like there's any sort of conflict of fucking interest in the way that it's a corporation and a corporation always has to make more and more money. The temptation for a side deal with a fucking casino. I mean, I'm calling that right now sometime in the next 30 years, they're going to say fucking 20 years prior to this, this fucking went down on a, you know, they'll do some 30 for 30 on that shit.

I mean, there's just no fucking way. And I, I, I'm jaded. All right. I've been in the business of show too long. I've never gotten a business with anybody who didn't have a fucking side deal with somebody else. You know, and all you got to do is just sit there across the table and let them talk

and you just see where they're staring you. Well, I think this, this thing have a good home over here. Oh, oh yeah. What's your kickback? Every fucking show you bring over there. The fuck out of here. You think it's good over there. It's good for you.

It's good for you if it goes over there, right? So you get a brand new fucking Delta 88. Whatever your company fucking car is. Um, anyway, how about those, that college fucking football playoffs on, on Saturday, TCU, come on frogs versus Michigan Wolverines with the greatest fight song possibly in the world. I put up hail to the victors,

valiant hail to the car. I would put that up against any of those soccer songs that they got to sing over there with their scarves on. They wear those scarves to keep their voice box warm so they can sing. That's what it is that the tenors and then the baritones and all of that shit and they sing all of those songs. Well, somebody rive, roll around on the fucking ground

pretending they actually got hurt, right? I would put those songs, that song up against anything that the fucking crowd sing over in the Premier League. All right? I'm just doing this because I want fans of the Premier League. Send me your best songs because they actually have some good ones. There was that one player who never scores. What the fuck was this?

Whatever his name was, something is on fire. Yeah, something, something was funny. I actually felt bad for the player. Anyway, let me get back to fucking real football, American football, played the way it's supposed to play. You pick the fucking, you use all of your limbs. You don't just use your hands to cover your junk when somebody's trying to bend it like Beckham.

And I know, you know, this is part of being an American, okay? Part of being an American is to do things differently, even if they make no sense, like ignoring the metric system. Like why we ever abandoned that is the dumbest shit ever. And the greatest argument I've ever heard for the metric system is that water freezes at zero degrees Celsius and it boils at 100 degrees. And then you look at the standard system that we're on

and water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees, point something or other. It's zero and 100. Could it be any fucking easier for us burger eating cunts and we just not, not doing it. Not fucking doing it. Not wearing, not fucking listening to you, not listening to you. And we're fucking doing shit the hard way.

Anyway, I remember a long time ago this English woman was trashing American football. She's like, right, bunch of fucking pulsies. We're in helmets and pads. It's like, lady, they die at like 50. They commit suicide. Huh? Your soccer players have to do that at the end

or run around their little fucking shorts. I don't think they do. Maybe because they got all their fucking emotions out rolling around on the pitch. TCU, come on, frows. I actually really enjoy soccer. I'm just fucking with you guys. Versus the Michigan Wolverines.

TCU played an absolutely fantastic game. They played as great a game as Michigan played a terrible game. Michigan just, I don't know. They just, I don't know what they were doing. Through two-pick sixes, you know, falling on your ass and letting the fucking quarterback run. They just really dug a hole that was too deep to fucking crawl out of numerous times,

and somehow they kept doing it. It was a very exciting game if you're into offense. It kind of reminded me of one of the worst games I ever saw, which was Kansas City versus the Buffalo Bills last year in the playoffs. And I know you all, you fucking idiots who grew up playing Madden football, thought that what you were watching was a great football game. It was the worst football game I saw since the Patriots Eagles Super Bowl, where I'm just sitting there like, what am I watching here?

How can these be two teams playing for a fucking championship when it's like there's not even a defense on the field? You know, I don't know. Maybe you, like when you want to go see a movie, you just want to see a car chase for 90 fucking minutes. Who knows? And if you do, I would suggest watching the first gone in 60 seconds. The original one, the final 45 minutes is a car chase,

which I'll tell you was actually wonderful. So TCU, I was nervous about that game. I mentioned it on anything better with Paul Verzi where since TCU's program became a force to be reckoned with like 10 years ago, I've never seen them choke in a big game until they blew their conference title game, which for whatever reason didn't knock them out of the playoffs. I guess because USC then had two losses. Somebody told me the other day.

That's why USC got knocked out on OSU got in. But I've never seen them blow a big game other than that one. I was shocked and I missed the game and whatever they did, they went forward or something like that rather than playing for the overtime. And I was just sitting there going like, what are the odds TCU blows two big games in a row? That's what I was worried about. But I thought Michigan would run the ball and basically be controlling the clock.

But TCU and they were really fucking fast. And I feel like Michigan, because they threw the pick six, they just kind of got they started playing TCU's game. Also, by the way, once again, you know, first fucking drive, fourth and goal rather than kicking the fucking field goal. Michigan fucking goes for it, doesn't get it, right? Which not only do you come away with no points, you psychologically inflate the other team and deflate yourself,

which analytics does not take into consideration. In the third quarter, they go for a two point conversion and they don't fucking get it. Fourth quarter, they score a touchdown, go for a two point conversion. They get it and they get one of those four points back that they left just sitting there in the first and second quarter. And guess what? They were down by three points. It should have been a tie fucking game.

It's so fucking stupid. You just sit there chasing your fourth and goal and you're missed fucking two point conversion. The rest of the fucking game. It's the dumbest shit ever. But like I said, I'm 54 and a half sliding into 55. Capitalism is done with me. These entertainment leagues are done with me.

You know, 611, nobody underneath. Yeah, just fucking launch that three pointer. Clank it off the back. Don't worry, get back on defense. It doesn't matter that you missed and there was nobody underneath. It doesn't fucking matter because the other team's going to do it too. 50 times a fucking game. And the fucking asshole sitting in front of me 50 fucking times

every time they launch a three pointer is going to put three fingers up just to let everybody know that he knows that a three pointer was just attempted. Oh, am I in a cutty mood? So TCU, congratulations. Come on, frogs are in the championship game. And then the Georgia Bulldogs went up against OSU. Everybody knew that Georgia was going to win. Everybody knew, but everybody thought that OSU was going to get absolutely stomped.

And they didn't. It turned out that they actually should have won the game. But they they just made they made too many fucking mistakes. That cornerback falling down. And you know, everybody's going to shit on the fucking field goal kicker. But a bunch of shit happened before then that they shouldn't have got into that position. I was actually going out to a New Year's party. So there was a portion of the game that I missed.

But as a Michigan fan, I still have to give it up to Ohio State. The fucking whining cunts who every year say that they should be in the playoffs and then they get their fucking asses kicked. Finally showed up and played a great game. It was a fucking amazing game that OSU should have won. They should have won the game. And I feel bad for that field goal kicker because most people in life don't go after their dreams. And if they do, they don't get where they want to be or don't feel that they get the recognition.

So when somebody misses a field goal, that becomes a way for them to just fucking like focus all of their disappointment on themselves onto this person and just fucking ruin that kids life, which I hope people don't do. Anyway, so now it's TCU come on frogs versus Ohio State. I'm sorry versus Georgia. That's how much I thought Ohio State should have won that game. I'm saying that they won it. That was an incredible fucking game. Once again, high scoring, you know, I'm old.

I'm going to stop bitching that there's no defense in fucking sports anymore. It's all right. TCU horn frogs versus the Georgia Bulldogs. I'm going to go with TCU. I'm betting TCU. I'm going to try to go to the game, see if I can get fucking tickets. I was looking for a hookup out here and everybody's like, I don't look into it. I look into it.

I'm like, can you look into it before people know what teams are going to be in it? Because once people know, then all the prices are going to go through the fucking roof. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. Never happened. All right. So it's the first 10 days of the month.

You know what that means? Oh, Billy detox. Billy's not. I don't, I don't drink anymore. All right. I'm off the sugar. I'm off caffeine. No recreational fucking, the occasional hit a weed, which I'm kind of psyched like I'm kind of not into weed anymore.

Although, uh, you know, New Year's Eve, I took too many hits or something and I was just fucking sitting there going like, I just, I don't like this. Like we to a certain point is great. And then once you go beyond, it's like worse than alcohol in a way because alcohol, you're like, ah, you don't even want it. You don't even know what you're doing. Whoever that is that finding alcohol, too much alcohol is bad for people around you. Too much weed is bad for you. I was just sitting there like, I couldn't say anything to anybody other than like, Hey man, what's going on? Happy New Year.

I just was just going like, dude, I am like really high. I'm like too high right now and people will laugh and go, that's good that you admitted it. You know, rather than trying to ride it out. Yeah. I'm just pushing out for help. I just sat at this fucking table for like the last 15 minutes of 2022. You know, when you're just sitting there, you're on the rocket ship going like, all right, have we reached cruising altitude? And I guess without still going up fucking Chuck, yeah.

So, um, which was not how I wanted to start the fucking year. I'm too fucking old to start the year feeling like shit. All right. So I don't know, underrated going to bed at 930 on New Year's Eve. You know, you're old. Nobody's fucking you. Go to bed. If you're young by all means, get out there and have a good time.

Put on your fucking hat and have a fucking great time. But if you're me, if you're me, right? And society is done with, I'm sliding into my society is done with me years. And I got to, I'll be honest with you, I'm going to embrace it. You know what I mean? I think I'm going to start, I think I'm going to slowly enter my putzing around town years. I'm going to get myself a sweater. You know, I'm going to do that thing.

You know, old people, they walk down the street and all of a sudden they just look at a storefront and they just stop and they start looking at it. Like reading this, the sign or whatever, whatever the fuck it is that they're doing. They remembering what it used to be. I remember you could show your horse right here. That was a blacksmith. Once this town got rid of the blacksmith, it all went downhill. Yeah, I'm going to putz around town. I love doing these 10 day detoxes though.

I will tell you, I am going to smoke a cigar today because it is, you know, I'm going to watch the winter classic and I haven't had a cigar in 11 days. So I'll have a cigar today, but I'm not going to have one. I mean, you know, when I'll have one next, I kind of really don't smoke anymore, which I really enjoy. I probably have, I had two cigars in November and I had three kind of two and a half in December, which is fucking great for me because I used to have like 35. So yeah, I kind of have it like down like where it needs to be. So and then my coffee drinking, right?

I absolutely, you know, fell in love with coffee this past year. And like most things I fall in love with, I then do them too much, you know, which is a good thing if it's like going to the gym or playing drums or, you know, doing stand up. That's a good thing. But if it's a bad thing like coffee, I start doing, you know what the fuck I ended up, like when I come back after my 10 day detox, right? I'll get myself a cappuccino and I'm like, oh God, this is fucking delicious. And I just sit there and I sip it and I enjoy it.

And then like 15 days later, it becomes like an everyday thing. And what I do is I get a double espresso and then I get a cappuccino to go, right? And then I do that for like three days in a row. And on the fourth day I wake up and I just have this anxiety. And I walk around going like, what the fuck is this? It's just like, you know what it is, Bill? You're a fucking lunatic and you're drinking too much coffee, but then the first 10 days of the month comes up.

And you know what happens is my anxiety because of so much fucking caffeine that I put myself like a fucking idiot is I usually stop drinking coffee two or three days before the end of the month. So I'm kind of going like half the month, not drinking it. But you know, the way I drink coffee is why I stopped drinking alcohol because I have this weird thing where I really think addiction is a spectrum. Like it isn't either you are or you aren't. I just have that thing, if I'm doing it, I'm fucking doing it. But then I can just stop.

I don't have to get a sponsor and eat donuts and smoke cigarettes and fucking tell my stories in front of a bunch of other people, you know what I mean? With yellow fingers and brown teeth. I don't need to do that. I can just on my own be like, all right, I've had enough of that. I'm doing this too much. Just stop. I'm not going to lie to you.

It does suck for like three, four days. And then I'm fine, except for coffee. Coffee, I can just stop it. And you know what it is? It's the second I stop the next day. My old man nap comes back because I don't have any caffeine in me. And once I take that old man nap, I'm like, oh, yeah. This is what life is supposed to feel like underrated an old man nap.

And don't be if you're in your twenties and you're feeling a nap. Don't fight it. Give into it. Take a fucking nap. It's good for you. When you're young, you think, oh my God, this means I'm old or whatever. It doesn't just listen to your fucking body. Just fucking take a fucking nap.

It's the best. It's the best. You wake up. It's like, it's like a brand new day again, you know, and you're right as rain until Wheel of Fortune comes on. At least at my age, right around Wheel of Fortune. I start yelling and I start looking at my watch. You know, although that is one of the best parts of the day for me is from like five

to eight thirty nine o'clock every single day. I hang out with my kids five either five, five, thirty six o'clock depends on how busy my day is. I spend that last like two, two and a half, three hours with them. And what I noticed about my kids is when we sit down to watch like a movie, they don't sit on the couch as much as they sit on me. They literally climb on me like, like I'm a fucking jungle gym. And I don't even notice it.

I'm just sort of pushing them like down a little bit off to the side. And then they end up back sitting on my, my daughter would literally like sit on my fucking chest like it's like I'm a chair. And I gotta be like, dude, you're not little anymore. Can you get over there? And she thinks it's fucking hilarious. Or I'll be like laying on the couch. Well, you know, you do that thing like you look like you're in agony because it's the

middle of the day and you're trying to take a nap. So you put your arm over your eyes. She will come running in the room and jump on me knees first just to hear me go. And she thinks it's the funniest shit ever. Anyway, but I've been enjoying my time off. I've been spending all kinds of time with my kids, which is fucking amazing. And yesterday I took my wife out for a drive New Year's, New Year's Day. I guess I'm all confused because of Rose Bowls today, New Year's Day.

And I took her out to Malibu, one of my favorite things to do. She loves the ocean. It literally changes her mood. She was already in a good mood. She got to like an even better mood. So that's one of my New Year's resolutions is to take my wife out to the beach. I'll do this like two more times and then I'll forget. I'll fucking wound up with life or whatever.

I hope I don't. That was depressing. Wasn't it? Wasn't that sad? Hey, we got some great emails this week. I got to remind you guys Monday Morning Podcast at gmail.com. That's the email. If you want to write in, if you want to give me shit, if you want to do this, what should we do?

What shouldn't we have done? Oh, by the way. Yeah, I've been playing a bunch of drums and Billy Bonzo foot. My right foot is back to where it was. I've been playing good times, bad times with the hi-hat going, faking those fucking triplets. I think that I don't dare record myself, but it sounds pretty goddamn good for me. You know, a guitar center dad, I think I'm doing all right here. All right, we're going to do some reads here.

Oh, by the way, I was fucking babbling this week. You know who's fucking underrated? Kenny Rogers. Rest his soul. That son of a bitch made some great goddamn kitchen chicken, didn't he? I fucked up that joke. No, his music. I somehow stumbled on the gambler, which when I was a kid, they just played it way too many fucking times.

It was becoming country stairway to heaven. I was like, if I hear that fucking stupid song one more goddamn time, you know, they used to play the song at weddings, just because everybody knew the fucking song. I'd be like a wedding and they would be like, you got to know when to hold them. Like, what are we talking about here? Like, we're supposed to be acting like these people are fucking going to be together for the rest of their life and you're playing the gambler. No when to fold them. No when to have a side piece.

No when to be loyal. You never bitch at your wife because she doesn't take responsibility for any of her actions. But you put your feet to the fire. All right, let's see here. I wonder who did the background on that. You got to know when to hold them. When to hold them. There's somebody in a fucking waffle house going.

That was me. That was you? What are you doing here in the waffle house? I was a backup singer. They paid us once and that was it. All right, let's do the fucking reads here for the week. Oh, look who it is. It's old zip.

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You know, what do you want from me? Dietitian eat healthier therapists maintain mental. I'm going back to therapy. Definitely personal trainer. Yeah, I'm doing that. I also want to eat healthy. Are you just saying, is this what the kids call a basic bitch? It's hard to find people who are so good at what they do.

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How do I even know if I'm going to get... I want my credit. Here's something that somebody wrote in which I find hard to believe. I hope it's true. It said Quentin Tarantino, story shout out. Hey, Billy, once upon a time. I'm not sure if anyone told you this yet, but Quentin Tarantino recalled a story you told about heckling Don Rickles. It was very cool to see my favorite director bringing up my favorite comic.

Can you send me the link to that? Because if that actually happened, I will listen to that on a loop. Walking around with my fucking Sony Walkman. I'll put that on cassette tape. Not only is Quentin Tarantino one of my favorite directors of all time, he is my favorite movie owner. Whatever you call it, the movie house, the new Beverly Cinema. I fucking love that place. I wish they all...

You know what I love about that place? You go in there and you're like, whoever owns this loves movies. You don't feel that when you go to the goddamn mall and it just looks like a comedy club chain where they got the same ten fucking headshots in every location up on the goddamn wall. That's another New Year's resolution. I'm going to more fucking movies this year. I'm going to go see Babylon. I don't give a fuck that people said it was too long or whatever. At least it's a movie for an adult.

I'm seeing that fucking movie this week. Look at me. I'm doing things in 2023. Somebody's got to fucking go and show up so that movie makes some goddamn money. I mean, the rest of our lives, every goddamn movie going to be a Pixar movie or a superhero movie. But shout out to the superhero movie fans. I mean, at least they're going, right? Anyway, that would be incredible if that's actually a true story.

I doubt that it is a true story because I would think that someone else would have heard it and let me know other than a listener. But I think most of you could give a shit if he gave me a shout out or not. What you really want to know is the story of me heckling Don Rickles. All right. I've told this a million times. I was pretty hammered. I'm not going to lie to you. And I went to go see him rest his soul out in Palm Desert.

And I wanted to meet him and someone was trying to hook it up and it didn't fucking happen. So I wanted to have an interaction with him. So I waited for his encore. And when he came out there, he was just playing with the crowd. He was just fucking around. He was doing a victory lap. So I just kept yelling out. I just kept going, Donny.

Right. And he's doing his jokes. Everything's going good. And then I go, Donny did it either two or three times. And on the third time, he just looked at my general direction. You know what that fucking smile that he did that he was really saying, go fuck yourself. He just goes, yeah, I know my name. And I was with Bartnick and he looked at me and he smiled.

And I was like, that's it. I had my interaction with them. But that's when I was old Billy Boo's bag. You know, Billy's sober cunt wouldn't do that and then would bitch about sports every fucking week. All right. Bags. Dear Billy bag balls. Hearing you talk about the amount of bags your wife has prompt has prompted me to write in about an Instagram account.

I follow my wife doesn't have a bunch of bags. I just bitch. All right. She just deserves the bags because she fucking is married to me. And I'm not just saying that it's fucking true. You know what I mean? I mean, I have like fucking four guitars and I suck on all of them. Why do I have four guitars?

You know, why did I keep buying guitars? Because I liked them. You know, so whatever. She's into bags. Anyway, this guy, his handle is at Tanner dot Leatherstein. Oh, you know what? Speaking of that, on my last fucking stop of the tour, or maybe I think I was in Austin, some company that makes custom leather jackets gave me a leather jacket.

I have to give them a shout out. I was going to give them a shout out on Instagram and I just got nervous because I couldn't figure out if that was the right one or not. The next podcast, I promise them, I'm just going to read the label. It is the softest, most comfortable leather jacket I have ever worn. I absolutely fucking love it. And they just made it for me. Now, you know, I never met them.

They didn't measure me or anything and it still fits like a glove, like a glove. Anyway, his handle is at Tanner, T-A-N-N-E-R dot Leatherstein. He is an expert on leather and the quality of leather products. I'm already following this person. This is amazing. What he does is buy different designer bags and reveals the actual quality of the craftsmanship and the material. He cuts them open, strips them down and uses chemicals to remove the textured coating.

Oh, my God. I could watch this like a TV show with my wife to let consumers know if their expensive item is really well made or not. Sometimes they'll give it a thumbs up and agree that it's a well made item or it'll expose super cheap quality. Holy shit. If I was this guy, I would actually get a security team. That's how you get yourself fucking whacked.

I'll definitely be watching those videos with my wife. I mentioned, by the way, that the new show me and my wife are watching is the George and Tammy show on Showtime about George Jones and Tammy Wynant. Let me get the cast here. I want to give a shout out to all of these people. Michael Shannon and Jessica, oh, God, Chastain. Is that how you say it? Absolutely fucking crushing it.

I don't know who did the wardrobe on it or anything like that or the sets or anything. When they played Vegas, they rebuilt a Vegas showroom. I so wish the showroom still looked like that. Katie Mixon, Steve Zahn, Walter Goggins. I love how the way he looks in that thing is amazing. It's just an incredible fucking show. The performances are amazing and it's so good. I actually know the story and I'm still rooting for them, knowing full well what happens.

You know what I mean? It's kind of like every time I watch Evil Can Evil jump the fountain at fucking Caesars, you're still kind of hoping he makes it. Anyway, but by the way, I usually don't get stuff like this. There's no cool shit like this to follow. I love anything where people are making things themselves or exposing these corporations as far as like, all right, is it worth all of this money? Anything clothing-related, car-related, truck motorcycle, any of that shit.

Speaking of which, oh, Billy's F-250 should be showing up. I hope so. Do you know I went down to the fucking Ford dealership because I got to rent somebody's garage to put this thing in? A clear sign that I bought something that I don't need. Which is, you know, it's my god damn right as an American. And I'm trying to fuck, you know, I got the regular cab, which is rare. Usually just make the crew cabs or the super cabs. So I went down to the Ford dealership because usually they'll have one random like F-150 fucking work truck down there with the regular cab.

And lo and behold, they did. So I got a salesman to come out there and help me measure the thing to see how long it was. Just a little over 19 feet, which basically agreed with the information that I found on the internet. But you know, it's the internet, you can upload anything, right? So I say to the guy, he goes, oh yeah, you ordered the truck, when did you order it? I said, I said it's coming this month or next month. He goes, when did you order it? And I was like, last summer, he goes, yeah, good luck with that.

He'd be lucky if you'd read that thing. It's like, all right, buddy, thank you. Happy fucking new year. You're literally shitting on your own goddamn company. It's insubordination. It's fucking annoying. But anyways, the truck is coming. I can't fucking wait.

And I don't know, if I didn't have kids, I would get rid of my daily driver there. 17-year-olds thoughts on my generation. All right, you must be your older generation. Yo, Bill, I'm 17 years old. Oh, yo, your thoughts on your generation. I think the stigma that my generation and the one just a bit older than me being lazy is somewhat accurate, but not a complete rule of thumb. All right, I'm going to be a cunt here and give you my theory. I think because old people can go on the internet and talk about younger generations rather than just doing it down the barbershop like they used to.

There's a lot more chatter out there. How could you be lazier than Generation X? What am I? Is that what I was? Gen X, yeah. It's so funny now, like I watch these things and they act like Generation X people worked. Like our generation worked. And like when we were young, they called us the slacker generation.

And then somehow the generation that called us the slacker generation, I think died over the last 30 years. So now we get to rewrite our history like now we were these hardworking people that rolled up our sleeves. I mean, some of us were. I don't know. Anyway, this person says, I think the reason that kids my age are lazy is because everything is so automatic. My dad owns a blue collar business and my mom is a lawyer. So I grew up understanding the importance of both what blue collar and white collar. I'll be in class.

I like your dad, man, married up. Good deal. I'll be in a class or the lunch room and the disdain that my peers have for any job below guy who tells people what to do is off the charts. Is that right? Well, maybe it's because you guys also are on like social media and everybody has to sit there and act like they have a bunch of money and they're killing it and living their best life. Anyway, having a blue collar dad, I never looked at the janitors or the plumbers as morons. Someone needs to fix the fucking toilets bill. Exactly.

I'm not saying that making fun of plumbing as a job is a big deal. Dude, if you do plumber, that's a fucking great job and an unbelievable skill to know how to do. I mean, every fucking three months, I have to remind myself where the main water shutoff is. It's the easiest run outside the house and just week week week, you know, lefty, loosey, righty, tidy, right? I fucking have all I can do to fucking do that. And these guys can go in there and redo your whole house if you want to carpenters, plumbers, electricians, mechanics, you know, those fucking geek squad people that can fix your computers. Like I have a tremendous respect for all of those people. Those bootleg cell phone places that'll fix your iPhone screen and all of that shit.

Oh, there goes your warranty. I go fuck yourselves, you Apple cunts. I don't give a shit. I love anybody that can fix fucking anything. I mean that like the level of respect that I have and how the fascination that I have with all of that, I just think it's amazing. You know, and then not to mention the sense of satisfaction you get when you go in, there's a problem and you go in and you fix it. I mean, I get that when I, you know, I walk around the house replacing all the track lighting that fucking burned out. You know, I just replaced the battery in the garage door opener.

I get a little lift. I feel a little taller that day when I do that. I can't imagine if I went under the fucking sink, changed out a J trap. I used to know how to do that. I don't do that shit anymore. I used to be when I used to rented this fucking apartment, all of that shit. I learned how to do basic repairs with that shit and the that plumbers tape and all of that got myself a big fucking monkey wrench and all of that. I got underneath there.

I cleaned. I used to clean it out if my wife dropped something down there or got like clogged up. That's what I do. I got under the sink. I take out the whole J trap. I wouldn't snake it out, you know, because I didn't know how to use a snake. I would literally take the whole thing apart and just take a screwdriver down there. And then years later, I was just like, oh, I could have just learned how to fucking learn how to snake the thing out.

You know what I do now? I just call rotor router. That's the name in a way. Go your troubles down the drain. I think all of that shit's cap and tree, you know, electrician. I mean, to me, you're basically a wizard. I don't know how to fuck you do that stuff without killing yourself. Anyway, having a blue collar dad.

I never looked down. Okay, someone needs to fix the toilet bill. I'm not saying making fun of plumbing as a job is a big deal. But the other day, most of my friends wouldn't even dare to try to understand how to do anything of the sort. I wonder if there's going to be like a plumbing shortage. Like I remember my whole time growing up, there would be periods where my mom was a nurse. They would be like nurse shortages. And because like for whatever reason, they would just go through periods of like, okay, we need to pay nurses.

All right, we got enough. We're not paying them shit. And then women would be like, well, fuck that job. Okay, we need nurses. We go back and forth like that whole debate about whether an egg is good for you or not. Anyway, one time I helped a girl jump her car in the parking lot. And instead of thanking me, she turned around and laughed, then said under her breath, why does he know how to do this? I wanted to cut that twat's break line right then and there.

Oh, right there and then is how you say it. She said that after you helped her out. You know what? That's probably because she feels dumb or she was with some dude that didn't know how to do it. I'll be honest with you. I got to remember how to do that. I always forget. Do you hook it up to the dead battery first or the live?

I mean, positive to positive. I mean, that's easy. And then you also got to ground it, right? You got to clip it on the side. You know what? My big thing that I really knew how to do when I could fucking do it in two seconds was change a tire. As like a comedian on the fucking road and you'd get a flat on the fucking driver's side on the fucking highway. Oh my God.

I had a piece of pipe like fucking three feet long, four feet long right behind the bench seat of my truck. And I remember getting and I had like in my spare tire, I had it in my bed. I didn't have it underneath where it gets all, you know, back east that whole assembly would get all rusted and you couldn't get the fucking thing off if you wanted to. I had that in the bed of my truck till one night somebody fucking stole it, but I had it like ready to go. And I would fucking get out of the truck. That little fucking pussy ass J bar thing that they would give you that you get no fucking leverage on. I put the fucking four foot pipe on it and just bang. Get them all off while it was still on the ground, which is what you wanted to you loosen it when it's on the ground.

So either the fucking thing doesn't spin or something like that. Then I would jack the fucker up, take it off, put it in. I would have the fucking lug nuts in the bed of the truck, put it back on, fucking give it a yank and I would be back in. I could literally change the thing. I had it changed in like under fucking like five minutes. Like I got to the point. I didn't even have hubcaps on my truck because, you know, you needed like a Phillips screwdriver to take the fucking things off. And I was just like, I'm not dealing with that on the side of a goddamn road where I could get clipped.

And I still remember coming back to rest his soul. One of those Dick Doherty gigs and like Drake it or Manchester, New Hampshire. And I got a flat tire. It was left rear driver's side. And dude, I remember I pulled like halfway off. I was in the emergency lane and I put two tires on the grass and I was still changing that thing. And these feeling the cars going by. And you know, when that wind hits you, the lower part of your pant legs down by your calves and make some stick to your shin.

And I was just sitting there going like, please, I never been so fucking scared in my life. And that was just that and knowing how to change the oil and the oil filter, air filter, fuel filter. I got myself to be I was really good at the outskirts. I never had the balls to get into gapping a spark plug in the timing belt and all of that type of distributor cap. All of that shit scared the shit out of me. But I think knowing how to do that stuff is the coolest shit ever. I don't know. I'm really going down memory lane here.

So look, I feel good. Like I said, if I change the battery in a goddamn garage door opener or if I change a tire, I feel like a fucking man. I can't imagine if you actually know how to plum being an electrician or a carpenter. All right, but you made the goddamn point. Why does he even know how to do this? You're welcome, cunt. So I think part of the problem is that we're told we're all told to just keep our heads down and get into a good college. My uncle explained to me that college tuition can be unreasonably increased all the time because there's no limit to the loan amounts that we can have.

He's the one who introduced me to your comedy and podcast. Oh, tell him I said thank you. My cousin graduated with $165,000 in debt and a degree in sociology. I asked him what he was going to do with it when he was a junior in his junior year and he had no clue. It was at a holiday gathering over dinner. My response in front of everyone was don't expect me to support you when you have no job. I said it like a parent would in a fake stern voice. I was thinking I was thinking I was being funny.

He did not neither did his parents. Yeah, because they're the one that's that are on the hook for it. I think it's funny that all my friends, all my all my friends do is blame boomers and Gen Xers for all the problems of the world. Then turn to them as if to say, how could you steer me wrong, man? To sum it all up, I think there are many reasons my generation is or can seem lazy. Some of it is their fault. Some of it isn't. That's the truest thing ever.

And some of the problems of today are because of boomers and Gen Xers and some of it isn't. It's more like where you're at right now, where you're sort of young and you're standing on the banks of the rushing river. And at some point you got to jump in and try and swim in the deal is what the deal is, you know? I think everybody young is like, yeah, we're going to change this shit. And I think that's the genius of a college education is it gets you so fucking behind the eight ball with the debt that you don't have time to question the Ponzi scheme. And you're like, fuck it, I got to play or I'm going to go under. I don't want to be one of these people living in a tent city under a fucking bridge. Well, that's depressing.

Yeah, I don't, you know, as much as I bitch about shit, I don't look down on younger people or that type of shit. I do make fun of you though, which is the right of being an older person. And all you guys can just say is like, well, you know, you're going to die before me and then you win. All right, underrated everybody the week between Christmas and New Year's. It's the best week of the year. If you were blessed enough to have gifts at Christmas time, you had all week to play with them video games and snow on the ground was the perfect combination for me as a child in the late 80s and early 90s. Wow, I literally smelt the cold air when you just said that that was the best pond hockey pond hockey between fucking Christmas and New Year's. If it wasn't too fucking cold was fucking amazing.

Why did that just take me back to that? Anyway, you go outside playing the snow, come back in and crowd around the Sega Genesis. Occasionally, I'd actually read a book. That's fucking amazing. Anyway, all right, that is the podcast. Look at this, did an hour and nine minutes. You can tell, look at me, I'm back. No more pneumonia. All right, here's to a great year.

Hope you guys all have happiness and health. I hope you go after what you want to go after this year. You know, say hello to the pretty girl, do whatever the fuck it is that you haven't been doing and you know, don't be a cunt. And I don't know, do your part to try to help get us out of this mess. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years, with the Metaverse, students will be able to go back to the Ice Age to visit them. The Metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real.

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