Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-21-19

Episode Date: January 21, 2019

Bill rambles about NFL Championships, staying attractive, and conspiracies that turned out to be true.

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How's it going everybody? How was your weekend of playoff football? I'll tell you right now, if you didn't have a fucking If you didn't have a fucking dog in that fight You just sat back and enjoyed both those fucking crazy games Sort of, I guess Yeah, I don't even know where to begin All I can just say is overall

Both of those games is exactly what the NFL wants Which is heart attack fucking football games And I know there was a lot of shit given to the refs But I think so much of it is them just applying 20 years of rule changes that all essentially benefit the offense It drives me fucking nuts I know I always sound like an old man, but I hate it I fucking, I can't stand it

I know my team won, but those fucking games sucked Yesterday Okay, I just can't fight them, I don't know I don't know where to begin If that's what the fuck you want to watch Just two teams just going up and down the field Can you believe it? It's 56-52 Oh my god, now they scored

59-56 If you want to fucking watch that for a goddamn three hours You know what I mean? You like some fucking fat kid who wants to go right to dessert No one wants to eat their vegetables No one wants to see any fucking defense I don't even know where to begin I actually somehow sat through the Patriots game

Just sitting there, you know, I got my daughter now So it's like I'm not going to be this guy flipping out and everything like that And I was able to remain calm Until 39 seconds left in the game And after that I just lost my shit where I was just like This is so fucking, I was already watching like the Chiefs No, you know what, the first time I lost my shit was when it was There was 954 to go in the game

We had 4th in a yard or a half of the yard And we had essentially for the NFL a chip shot field goal Which would have put us up by 6 Okay And I'm thinking, and we go for it and we don't get it And what fucking kills me was no one gave Belichick any shit Because that's just the way the games played now It's like you'd be up by 6, even if the Chiefs go down the field and score a touchdown

They're only going to be up by 1 And now you can go down the field, kick a field goal, go up by 2 Or score a touchdown and put it away For the fucking life of me, I don't understand the way the game is played now And I guess, because I'm sitting there going, I'm just a stand-up fucking comedian He's Bill Belichick, obviously he knows what you're supposed to do here I think there's just so many rules that are in favor of the offense That you just know the other teams essentially going to score

We can't, that taking three points is like not, I don't know It's like not kicking an extra point, who gives a fuck? I have no idea, I don't fucking get it Having said that, I know there's a bunch of people upset about the officiating And you know, I mean, I'm with you on it I don't think all of them were bad calls I just think there's just a bunch of bad rules that totally tipped it in the favor of the offense If you just look in the last year

Tom Brady threw 500 yards in a Super Bowl and lost Patrick Mahomes is a rookie quarterback and he threw 50 fucking touchdowns I'm not saying the guy isn't great, he's fucking unbelievable I love him, okay? But 50 touchdowns by a rookie, there's something wrong with the league Last week we tackled Phillip Rivers while he had the ball And we got called for roughing the passer This week I watched the chiefs, the guy's hand

I think it caused air That disrupted Tom Brady's eyelash Not even eyelash is, his eyelash And they got called for roughing the fucking passer Then Patrick Mahomes actually got hit Which was also a fucking love tap A love tap and he's wearing a helmet And I saw him look at the ref and I was watching the game

He was like, alright Rook, you're gonna get that call in two to three years You don't have the seniority yet to get that call But Tom Brady gets that call, but vets always get the calls Alright, but that fucking shit Where an offensive lineman is pushing you down And your only thing is you can dive at the quarterbacks' legs And you actually sack them and then they call you for roughing the passer I mean, I don't know what to fucking do with that

I don't know, but if chiefs fans are gonna whine about the officiating Well whine about that non-call in your fucking pick play too I mean, let's be fair about it I also, as a Patriots fan, I was surprised that they reversed the call On Edelman touching it Because on the replay it looks like he doesn't touch it But you can't say that it didn't touch his forearm hair I guess they went with the ball, didn't change any sort of direction

Wobble, stop or anything like that I was surprised they switched that But all you fucking whining Patriot haters out there who say the referees love us You're really forgetting the flake gate Roger Goodell fucking hates us The league does not like us, okay They allowed the owner of another team to conduct his own private investigation This wasn't the league

It was the owner who paid a guy to dig up dirt And the dirty found, he also found with the Colts They completely ignored all of that Suspended our quarterback, the golden boy Ooh, don't touch him Suspended him initially more than they suspended a guy on the Ravens Who fucking knocked his wife out on video in a fucking elevator So I don't know what world you're living in

I think you're just sick of fucking losing to us And I will go with that the officiating was terrible I'll go with that the fucking rules are terrible But I stop short of that the refs love the Patriots Yeah, Roger Goodell fucking hates us And he did everything he could fucking do to suspend our quarterback Which he ended up doing He actually lost it in a court of law

And then like the little fucking cunt that he is He went back and completely switched his argument Not that the Patriots are cheating Was that they were a corporation Tom Brady's an employee Doesn't a corporation have the right to suspend an employee And the court was like, yeah, fine, he's our employee, he's suspended So if that's loving us, I don't know what to tell you

Having said that, my heart goes out to fucking Chiefs fans I was actually, you know, at one point being like Alright, if the Chiefs win this Then I can just fucking relax during a fucking Super Bowl I can watch old NFL, classic old NFL team The Rams versus classic old AFL team In the Chiefs And I can just fucking enjoy a goddamn Super Bowl for once

Without having to fucking sit there You know, having a fucking heart attack While the whole world's watching one in your fucking team to lose And then have to listen to comments for a year Like Nick Foles kicked Tom Brady's ass When he threw for almost half as many fucking yards It's like, no, he beat the Patriots defense The only guy who can say he beat Tom Brady was fucking Eli Manning

Because Eli Manning is the only guy in a game I think Tom Brady Could questionably say he fucked up When he threw to Welker, he threw to the back shoulder Welker probably should have caught it, who the fuck knows I'll give you that one But other than that, every fucking Super Bowl Tom has drove the team down the fucking field for the winning touchdown It's our defense that fucks it up

Like yesterday 39 fucking seconds left And with these fucking rule changes We're up by three points You kick it away, you attack them on the 20 They ain't driving all the way to fuck that Dude, two fucking offensive plays And they're on our 20 yard line

If there was 49 seconds left They would have had a chance to throw it into the fucking end zone Like, that was when I was up off the couch When it went into overtime At that point, I didn't even give a fuck who won the game I was just like, fuck this, this isn't even fucking football anymore It's a fucking joke It's just Madden, Instagram

Every fucking game now They've changed the rules to the point where it's going to turn into the Miami Dolphin San Diego Charges Which was a game of the decade Happens like every three weeks now Now I know I sound like a fucking curmudgeon here But I don't know, I miss I miss great defenses with nicknames and shit

I guess the last one maybe was Seattle with Legion of Boom But I don't even think that took off I think that that was just in Seattle Where everybody used to say doomsday, purple people leaders, steel curtain The sack exchange, all of that shit I don't know, let me ask you this guys Who's the fucking Ronnie Lott in the league right now? Who's the Jack Lambert? Where's the fucking Ray Lewis?

They just, they don't fucking exist They're not allowed to play the fucking game If you can tackle a quarterback with the fucking ball And that's roughing the past I don't know what the fuck to tell you And furthermore, people who keep saying that Tom Brady's the greatest of all time It's still Joe Montana to me Joe Montana went four in one decade with two different coaches

His Bill Belichick quit and you were allowed to beat the fuck out of the quarterback So if Joe Montana plays today Bill Wall sticks around like Bill Belichick does And he doesn't take that hit against the Giants And he plays into his 40s I think he can get five Alright I know in this first ten minutes you wouldn't know that my team won

But like, you know, I don't know I just, don't listen to me I'm just an old fucking man who's watched the game change And I'm acting like who was that guy That played for the Eagles He was the last guy to start both ways And there was an NFL film clip of him Because he used to always shit on the new games

The new players because they didn't start both ways And he'd be like, I wouldn't watch your football game today if you paid me Anyways, so that's my take I don't think the referees love the Patriots I just think that it's just all about the offenses Now, having said that, talking about the Saints and the fucking Rams The Saints absolutely got royally fucked over Times two

By the referees Because it wasn't like that play was away from the ball It was where the ball was going And there was two major, major fucking penalties on that play That have literally changed the game To the point you have a rookie quarterback throwing for 50 fucking touchdowns That was pass interference and helmet to helmet contact The whole fucking stadium was looking where the ball went

You know? That Kansas City pick play that no Kansas City fan is going to fucking bring up When they whine about the officiating I can see them missing that play You know, you're watching the fucking ball There's four or five players all fucking moving at the same time But that was, I don't know, I don't get that And people who argue that the Saints could have put the Rams away

You're acting as though the Rams aren't the Rams Who it's looking like they have the next Bill Belichick on their hands as a head coach Who's only like fucking 33, 34 years old It's going to take 60 minutes to put them away I usually like that argument That, you know, you've got to put a team away when you have a chance to put a team away I wouldn't use that with the Saints because the Rams are too good a fucking team to be like Well, we handled them in a half

Let's just fucking play our game and chew up the clock and, you know And we can just win this one going away I would have used that argument against the Patriots where we should have kicked that fucking field goal I just don't understand going for it We're up by three fucking points and you're going for it like there's no time left on the fucking clock And you're down by four But that's, you know, I guess that's how the fucking games played So, here we go

Another Super Bowl The Chiefs are the team of the future though in the AFC Even if, believe it or not, this is a rebuilding year for the Patriots Having lost all the talent to free agent that we have So the fact that they made it to another fucking Super Bowl is ridiculous But like I said, I don't know, I'm sure this is coming off like what the fuck But like, I don't sit there and talk shit and rub other fucking people, you know, like I played their noses in it All I can say is like, NFL football has changed the way stand-up comedy has changed in the last couple of years

To the point like you don't even fucking recognize it You know, I'm sitting here watching other comedians going on radio shows and social media attacking other fucking comedians And literally saying what they should or shouldn't be saying on stage is like, what the fuck am I watching? And I watch NFL football, you know, you can't hit a quarterback below the knees You can't hit him in the head, he can have the ball and if you tackle him too hard or in one of those areas It's roughing the fucking passer If you simply push him down onto the ground, it's roughing the fucking passer Dude, how many fucking times, by the way, will a quarterback throw a shit fucking ball?

And the defensive back goes up to intercept it And at that point the defensive back has position And the wide receivers behind him, on his back, hands all fucking over him and breaks up the fucking pass Not only is it not interference, the guys in the booth go, that was a heads-up play That's why you have everybody's throwing for 5,000 yards and 50 fucking touchdowns is all I'm fucking saying Which is why you can't go back and look at Joe Montana and say that he is somehow inferior to Tom Brady I just don't buy it Alright, so here we go again, now I'm going to age another 10,000 fucking years

And fuck all you guys, oh you fucking spoiled Patriots fan, go fuck yourself Okay, walk a mile in my fucking shoes, I've been in your shoes where you never fucking get there That sucks, losing an AFC championship game sucks, I'll tell you what's worse, losing a fucking Super Bowl When the whole world's watching, so the next time you go to Belgium some asshole shows up with the fucking Giants or an Eagles shirt and you get worldwide shit for that loss So, anyways, I'm just an old curmudgeon who would like to see more of a balanced game But I also think because of that CTE shit, they kind of have to protect everybody So I do love seeing defensive players hitting with their shoulders and not hitting guys in the head

I do like that aspect of the fucking game And, you know, other than that, I don't even know what the fuck I watched yesterday And I have been consistent with that the whole fucking year Alright, I hated that Chiefs Rams game And as much as you guys are going to just sit there saying I'm some whining Patriots fan There was literally NFL players tweeting what the fuck I was saying Teddy Bruceke, Richard Sherman, they all said the same thing I did And you fucking cunts, don't bring that up, do ya?

Do ya Alright Alright You know what it is? It's also because now I have a kid and I can't get out all this fucking energy Like I just sit there stoically and then it just fucking builds up So I'm sorry, I'm regurgitating all of this shit Having said that, congratulations to the Rams, you know, you're not making the calls out there My condolences to the Saints fans, that was my pick

I did not like the Patriots chances against the Saints I don't really like them against the Rams either to be honest with you I definitely think the NFC is stronger And my condolences to Chief fans All I can say is that you're definitely the team of the future in the AFC Unless, I don't know, Brady keeps fucking drinking his vampire blood And plays until he's 45 And even then my home is so fucking young

I don't know, I don't know Anyways, yes, this weekend Celebrated my daughter's second birthday I made a fucking birthday cake like a champ Sorry dude, I'm sorry I'm fucking spent from both of those games yesterday I had those games and my daughter's birthday So the whole first part of the day was stressing out

That no one was gonna like my birthday cake Running around, making sure the bubble lady was showing up Who crushed it by the way We had a guy come by, did the music portion Everybody loved that, and we built it perfectly And then there was the bubble lady And then we did the birthday cake It was perfect, opener, middleer, headliner

The whole thing worked out The kids freaked out, the bubble lady was like next level My kids love fucking bubbles So all you have is that little fucking wand That you blow the bubbles through And then this lady came down with fucking four kiddie pools With these bubbles the size of special effects Of a summertime blockbuster

Is this really happening? They didn't care about cake after that She shut down the birthday cake With the bubble display That she put on Other parents were there going Where did you find this person? They were getting her information

She was crushing it It was like watching a comedian do a private gig And there was like three other companies there And he gets three or four more fucking gigs out of it I don't know I feel like I went too fucking hard on the officiating In the fucking game that's going on I don't know, maybe I'm just worn out watching the fucking games

Anyways, plowing ahead here So we knocked all of that out And then my daughter takes her nap And I watched the first game And then she woke up We did more birthday stuff Then I watched the Patriots game on tape delay And now it's the next morning

I'm just fucking worn out here I can't fucking believe they're in another Super Bowl I can't fucking believe it Unfucking real If they win this, do you think Brady retires? The guy should retire, right? Then he goes, what does he have? He'd have six

He would be tied With the Steelers who for some reason Are considered the New York Yankees Of NFL football You know, I've never really gotten anybody to fucking Explain to me why they don't count NFL titles Because the Packers are the team And then I think it's like the Giants

Because the Giants have won Four Super Bowls And I don't know how many NFL titles they've won Let me check this shit out I love this nerd shit here All right, New York Giants Your New York Giants All right

What do they got here? All right, Easter's written Don't even tell me that Okay, NFL Championships pre-1970 They have four So the way I see it You know, I should make a list of these things The fucking New York Giants have eight titles

Four NFL titles And four Super Bowls So they should be ahead of the Patriots Because we have Five Super Bowls That's it And I wouldn't count AFL titles The same way you don't count

ABA Championships The ABA merged with the NBA And the Celtics still got to keep all their championships And the Minneapolis Lakers got to keep those The fucking Lakers even kept a BAA championship That they somehow count as an NBA championship I'll never not bring that up All right

You know, Stanley Cups go all the way back To the early fucking 1900s In World Series They give the fucking Philadelphia Phillies Let me look them up They get credit They won one in fucking 1880 You know, they won one in like 18

Fucking 80 where like If you brought it up like Hey, how come in 1880 If you brought up like Hey, how come there's no Black people on your team First of all, they'd say what's a black person And then refer, say you mean N words

You mean former slaves Like that's how long ago it was Well, where are we? How many do they want? Let's see the major title World Series Oh wait, 1980 They haven't won one month back

Wait a second Okay, I put it on the Phillies Who the fuck was it? First World Series Baseball Oh, I always thought when they won it in 1980 They hadn't won it in 100 fucking years Oh, the 1903 World Series

Was the first modern World Series Is that the first one that they count? Oh, wait a second, wait a second 1884 World Series Alright, in baseball The 1884 World Series Was a post-season championship Between the Providence Grays

Of the National League And the New York Metropolitan Metropolitan of the American Associations At the Polo Grounds in New York City Which is now in Harlem There's a little plaque up there I looked at it one time By myself, because I'm weird

While the 1884 post-season championship series Was the first such to be referred to As the World Series Major League Baseball considers 1903 World Series the first I've been saying that for years Shitin' on the Phillies And no one's ever corrected me

At least I didn't see it Alright, so 1903 Let's see the 1903 World Series Alright, 1903 World Series Was the Boston Americans Versed the Pittsburgh Pirates And the Boston Americans won five to three Whatever, five games to three

So it was best five out of nine Whatever happened to the Boston Americans See, this is the shit here This is why being a sports fan is great And then also this is what I'm going to lose My Boston Americans wiki-pedia The Boston Americans Boston Red Sox are an American professional baseball team

Based in Boston, Massachusetts Wait a minute, the Red Sox Compete Major League Baseball Wait, that's not our first World Series title, is it? It is, that's us? Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine We were called the Boston Americans World Series, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

I didn't, I had no idea I didn't know that 1903, now who the fuck played in that game? If the Boston Red Sox can count a 1903 I mean, we didn't, like there was no option to fly to a game No one had ever flown before 1903 Ladies and gentlemen, how about a round of applause

For all our heroes from the Spanish American War Shay, come on, let me try something, Shay That was still fucking 20 years away They didn't even have motion pictures Jesus Christ, their fucking mascot was probably a fucking Dodo burger It was probably still alive back then They named the only fucking Major League Baseball team With an endangered species that was at the fucking ballpark

When it won its first World Series Alright, now if they can count that shit Why do I care? Why do I care this much? Alright, Stanley Cup Champion, list of Stanley Cup champions How far back do they go? 1890 fucking three The Montreal Hockey Club

Now you can't tell me that they played in an arena That'd be like on the fucking pond 1893 AHAC champions, no challengers Montreal Hockey Club, the Montreal Victorias The Montreal, let's look for the first like Montreal Canadians Or a team that I recognize The Winnipeg Victorias, oh they moved out to Winnipeg Then they moved to Phoenix after that

Montreal Hockey Club, Montreal Hockey Club This is 1903 Ottawa, Ottawa Senators One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine Ten fucking years in a row In 1903 the Ottawa Hockey Club beat the rat porridge thistles Alright I think I have to get a rat porridge fucking hockey jersey

The Canora thistles They're originally known as the rat porridge thistles Alright, I gotta look this up You can't tell me Mitchell and Ness has not put out a fucking rat porridge thistle yet Jersey Rat porridge, thistle, jersey Images Oh we have a jersey

I don't know if you can buy it and there's no rat on it It's got the thistle on it, ah you fucking cunts Somebody's wife came up with that fucking name Canora thistles third string goalie 1907 thistle Tommy Phillips jersey Look at that Jesus Christ Look at the team photo of the fucking rat porridge thistle Now I'm gonna say the guy in the front row on the left was the one who came up with that logo If not the other guy on the left in the second row

Those two guys may have been dating each other That's what I'm getting out of that photo Not to say that there's anything wrong with it The progressive lifestyles have existed for a long time They just haven't been recognized Anyways, plowing ahead here I'll tell you what, I'll make a promise to you This is the last time, I don't know if I can do that

I'll say it's the last time that I'm gonna complain about fucking All of these fucking sports Jesus Christ Can you guys at least give me that I'm making at least a little bit of a decent point You know, how many times are you gonna watch a guy drive the lane in the NBA now And the defender literally get out of the way Because he doesn't want to end up on fucking Instagram I mean that just didn't happen back in the fucking day Alright, let me read some...

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Safe.com Alright, plowing Plowing ahead Oh, oh, Billy Boo's face Oh, Billy Boo's face Also has not been drinking Maybe that's why I'm being such a fucking Cunt about the new NFL

You know, ruining it for younger people This isn't football I thought what I was watching was football Your old bald cunt I'm gonna get a lot of shit I don't give a fuck though Some fucking asshole sent me something Are you not entertained?

It's like, no, I'm not I like fucking I like all aspects of football Not just scoring Fat girlfriend I actually think that they're doing it For fantasy football numbers I think that that's another reason

Why they're doing it C-T-E mixed with fantasy fucking Football and all that shit You know, so people can keep up With their stupid goddamn Like, I hate that guy But he's on my fantasy team Alright, you know what?

I'm right, I'm not backing down From what the fuck I said What the fuck you're watching now Is not goddamn football It's the goddamn fucking ice capades Alright, there, I said it And all you douchebags who play fantasy fucking football You can all go fuck yourselves too

There, I took a stand I'm tired of trying to be fucking Like diplomatic on this But I understand the game's changed I understand these concussions Go fuck yourself A rookie should not be throwing For 50 fucking touchdowns

Playing NFL football Alright If you don't believe me Go ask fucking Ray Lewis What he thinks about that Alright, fat girlfriend Hey Bill, I'm a girl listener Writing in with advice

For a guy with a fat girlfriend Yes, okay We had a, we had a, a, a, a A male listener Alright I don't know if he had a man bun I don't know if he had a flat top I don't know how progressive he was

I don't know if he was an ally I don't know if he likes the new fucking rules In NFL football I don't know if he wants to see more scoring I don't know if he's an old fucking Grizzled cunt like me I don't know what this guy is But he has a girlfriend

That was a little fucking You know, had some pounds on her But he's like Alright, you know Whatever we're gonna relationship Maybe I'll get her out there On the treadmill But no, she kept eating cupcakes

And she's getting to the point That she's, she's a fucking house So he still loves her And he wants to How do you tell somebody That they're, they're not attractive to you Because they've eaten so much As a man

As a woman I know you can fucking do that You can say that to a guy Because nobody gives a fuck About a man Or his goddamn feelings Despite how much these broads Fucking bitch

About how difficult their lives are You know And everybody's all brave now If they're a woman And they're fucking out of shape When reality is Is you're killing yourself It's not good for you

It's not healthy And you're not brave You're being a fucking moron Who's in denial I'm not saying you should fucking hate yourself But to just pat Hey, I'm doing heroin Look at my abs

Hey, I'm eating donuts every fucking day I've almost closed three out of four Of my fucking arteries Whatever you call them Is that what you call them? The things that go on Come out of your heart The fucking the intake, outtake host

From the radiator Yeah, you're not brave You're, you're fucking in denial All right When somebody calls Tells you that you need to Drop some weight there They're helping you prolong your life

All right You can't make someone care about their weight That's what this woman says Because I asked for a woman to come in She said, I wish I had better news for him But if his girlfriend doesn't want to lose weight And it sounds like she doesn't Then she won't

If it's a deal breaker He needs to break up with her And if it's not Then he has to get over it Ah, my god You know something If you were here right now And I had your permission

In writing in triple kit I would give you a hug All right One of those hugs Where you fucking lean in So only the tops of your shoulders Touch the tops of them And you do like a fucking

Even your side of your heads don't touch A post me to hug I would give you Okay, that mindset right there That mindset right there Is what makes you great That right there Is everything you need to be successful in life

All right It fucking That was just That was perfect Let me read that again I wish I had better news for him But if his girlfriend doesn't want to lose weight And it sounds like she doesn't

She won't In other words You can't make somebody You know Get their shit together They have to want to get their shit together Okay, so now that we've solved that That it's not on you

To make somebody care about themselves All right Now you have to deal with the situation So this is what it is Okay And if you can handle it Get over it If you can't break up with them

But other than that Shut the fuck up about it That's it And I actually think I actually feel for this guy Because if he loves her He's going to watch her Take 10, 15 years off her fucking life

And he hasn't even knocked her up yet Because that's the other thing Like with women You got to give women a pass On at least 20 fucking pounds 25 pounds You have to because they have kids You know

They got kids And they got to deal with the whole Chemical fucking thing and that They can have postpartum And all of that shit You know what I mean But as men You got no fucking excuse

They got P90X out there They got that rogue fitness They got all of this shit out there There's no excuse As always fellas We have no excuse As always You will be held responsible for your actions

That's amazing That was an amazing response Because I couldn't come up If you haven't been listening I tried to come up with a response for it And a proper angle And I could not come up with one And even the lovely Nia came on

And she listened to it And she took it personally Like I wrote the email to her But my wife is cool So when I called around on it She laughed But it took this person here This anonymous person

Look at that Not even leaving a name Didn't want any sort of credit What the fuck it ever All right Ladies' response to guy with overweight girlfriend Okay now this is going to be a tough one This is going to be a tough one to follow up

Ladies' response to guy with overweight girlfriend Hey Bill When I was in my mid-twenties I was dating my long term boyfriend I wasn't model skinny when we met But we were dining out a lot And I had put on some weight One night we had a really honest conversation

That served as a wake-up call for me He was 100% honest and told me He wasn't attracted to me with the extra weight Was it harsh? Yes Was it hurtful? Yes However I took our conversation seriously

And for the first time in my life I actually thought about my own health And what I was putting into my body In my body Sorry If Nia ever said to me You've put on weight and I'm not attracted to you Like as she was saying it

I would start putting on my gym clothes I'm not saying my bottom lip wouldn't be quivering And there wouldn't be tears in my eyes But I would get my fucking fat, pasty, freckled ass To the nearest goddamn elliptical Okay And I would deal with my feelings later I would immediately go right to the solution

Working out But we live in a different time now Where it's just when you sit there And you hold somebody's hand Right to an early grave You know Is the hole too deep that we dug That you're gonna die in?

Would you like some fucking Some bubble wrap down in the bottom When you face plant from a major fucking heart attack We started working out together And eating better together We both got in better shape Win-win Look at that

Because of his honesty I realized how important being healthy is Not to mention It's not fair to the fucking person you're with Male or female To let yourself go Okay I'm not gonna be 100% harsh

Because I know there's a bunch of emotional reasons That people start eating So get into therapy Figure that out And Get your ass to the gym And take control of your fucking life The problem with today's

Oh my god I am the old man today I'll tell you what else the problem is Meeeer The fucking Photoshop has to be me Sitting on my front porch Sitting on my front porch The problem with all this fucking understanding

Is you're now We've gone from Going hey Tubby Why don't you lay off the cupcakes to Like Calling the person brave for eating cupcakes And I think there has to be an adjustment Somewhere in the middle

Like even like that me too shit Like this whole fucking thing had to happen Cause no one was listening to these women's complaints Right So then the fucking cork Blows off the bottle And then it becomes Due process is out the window

The burden of proof is now on the person accused They have to somehow clear their name Where the person who accuses them Doesn't have to have any evidence They just now you just need to adjust it back Where now we're gonna listen to women And there's gonna be due process That is the safest way to fucking do this shit

Right Adjust it back The same thing with fat people You can't just fucking go Ah you're Tubby shit Hey lard ass Fucking you know Go eat a salad

You fucking fat cunt You can't do that But to go the entire other way And just say they're brave And they should be proud of their body And start making fucking you know Car covers into fucking sweatpants I don't think it's another good way to do it

You're not helping them that way either Alright so this is great So he had this painful fucking conversation And she turned this hurt into a positive And now I would think that they're in shape Bangin' each other anyways Because of his honesty I realized how important it is to be healthy

I started reading more about diet and fitness Listening to fitness podcasts Cooking us healthy meals And continued to work out Educating myself and taking the time To care for myself Has in all capital letters Changed my life

I ended up losing 50 pounds And keeping it off All because he had the courage to tell me His truth Ugh Ugh Okay I loved everything until you used that expression

He's living his truth I'm living my truth All because he said what the fuck was on his mind Anyways And she said And I wasn't too sensitive To be able to see my shortcomings And improve on them

You know, something I wish I could send this to anybody Trying to get over a fucking problem That's been confronted You should have this fucking, you know Stitched into a pillow Old fashioned needle point Or something like this

This is what you gotta do All right, because I'll You know, the shit that I'm doing right now With my wife She fucking came at me Basically straight up telling me What a difficult cunt I was to live with And anybody who listened to me

Bitching about NFL football After I just watched my team win a game To go to the Super Bowl Can only imagine what my wife has to go through If I'm bitching about that, right? So I decided that I was gonna just Turn it around other than being like Ugh, she's being an asshole

Ugh, what about the stuff you do? I knew she was right So, I mean, there's two ways When somebody comes at you Like, fuck you, I'm brave And I'm just speaking my truth And eating my dreams, you know Whatever the fuck it is you're doing

Do you realize Americans How fucking dumb you sound to the rest of the world When you're saying you're living your truth And I don't mean other first world countries So go fuck yourself, England Germany and all you cunts who are laughing right now I mean, how dumb you sound to the rest of the fucking world That's actually struggling

That you're living your truth While, you know, kids in their fucking country Have to sew your clothes together For an extra fucking hour Because you now feel brave for being a fat fuck I mean, it's hilarious Anyways, she goes on to say I'm actually grateful to him

Because if he hadn't had the courage to have Had that conversation with me I'd probably still be eating junk Yeah, he could have been a fucking diabetic Lost a couple of toes Not exercising and continuing An unhealthy lifestyle That would cause issues for me as I age

Yeah, and some days you have kids And you're gonna die sooner In my opinion, sometimes tough love is necessary If you have a strong relationship You should be able to be 100% open and honest With each other about everything including this Love to Nia and the baby Jesus Christ

Why don't more women write into this podcast Oh, that's right, because I'm the host Those are all fucking like Both of those goddamn emails What I love about them was They were both sides of the argument What the guy had to do and what the woman has to do In that thing, you know, and they're also interchangeable

So if you're a man listening to this And you're actually in the position of the woman Where your wife or girlfriend has come at you With some tough love Yeah, don't be a fucking baby about it Oh, now I'm on my fucking tree stump here You know, I have been unlikable a lot In my fucking podcast

I think this is probably the most unlikable Uh, zip recruiter Wait, didn't I already read all this shit? Oh, sorry, I scrolled up too far Alright, 10 year challenge And conspiracy stuff Oh, okay Oh, this is some conspiracy

You know, somebody told me a great joke About a conspiracy theorist Said a conspiracy theorist dies And goes to heaven Or at least he's having his interview To try to get into heaven And he meets God And God says, alright, congratulations sir

You've lived a great life You've made it into heaven And there's one of your rewards I will answer You know, whatever your top question is That you've ever had in life Uh, I want to, I have to know Who is it that killed John F. Kennedy

Who are the people that killed him And he said, well, I can answer that easily He goes, it was Lee Harvey Oswald It was, you know, it was him And he acted alone And the conspiracy theorist goes, ah Jesus This goes higher than I thought I'm sure, I'm sure I butchered it

Anyways, ten year challenge And conspiracy stuff Dear Bill Illuminati Uh, Illuminati, oh Jesus I love that, alright What are your thoughts on the ten year challenge? My thoughts are, if you're an adult You shouldn't be doing that

That just sounds like something a teenager Would be doing Oh, I'm such an old grumpy cunt That's for children, grow up Get busy with dying Uh, the social media thing Where people post a pic of themselves From ten years ago

And today to show how much Or little they've changed Why I did an article about the shady Data collecting involved with it Also, I'm 23 So when I started listening to you in 2011 I was younger and definitely intrigued By the conspiracy stuff

But never had enough of a perspective On history and everything till now I've read a lot more about that Crazy shit history is fetus While I don't believe that the moon Is actually an alien base I do believe that the official story Is often bullshit, yeah

That's called being enlightened But for a lot of people they'll still say Oh, what are you putting on your tin foil hat? Um, yeah The official story is usually 90% of the time is bullshit And all you have to do is just Look at yourself as a human being

Anytime you get in trouble Anytime there's a controversy You know, how much you're spinning it You know, I've always said You know, when a cop has a cop Ever pulled up to a two-car accident And one person says That fucking guy came out of nowhere

And T-boned me And then when he walked up to the other guy The cop goes, what happened? And the other guy goes Man, I came out of fucking nowhere and T-boned him It's always gonna be like his version of it And they're both fucking in the right Anyways, he said

I think the most frustrating thing Is how little people care about Declassified files that confirms That was once crazy talk Yeah Because they view it as This weird way, their perception They view it as

This isn't how things have been handled Historically and continue to be handled today They view it as Well, all those people who said that shit Were dead, are dead now That stuff happened before I was born They, for some reason, cannot make the leap Up until the modern era

Like, my wife just sent me something Where there was a family, you know That was dealing in the business of OxyContin And how they are being accused There's all these emails of them Suppressing information about How fucking addictive that stuff was And if that is true, those people, you know

If they don't get the death penalty What they've done to people What they've done to families And, you know, I know like Three close personal friends of mine That have dealt with it or are dealing with it And, I don't know And just, all of this shit

I mean, come on But what kills me now is now Because corporations own media and all of this shit The same ones who are fucking us over Who dictate our foreign policy If you criticize anything about that Then they just go and they wipe out Your fucking career

But anyways, as far as the 10-year challenge I mean, yeah, they're definitely data Collecting data, I would think And they're selling data And then it just gets to Who are they selling it to And what are they going to use it for Like that 10-year challenge stuff

If you give that to the police That could help them find a missing kid But then it's also, you know It's like anything If it falls into the wrong fucking hands Like there's nothing wrong with an AR-15 Until a fucking lunatic gets one There's nothing wrong with guns

Until some fucking moron gets one So then that becomes the thing That people then debate Because there's morons out there And nobody have them Is there a way to control who gets them Blah blah blah blah blah All of that shit, so

I don't know Well, welcome to the frustrating world Of being at least enlightened I'm not saying enlightened Like you're 100% right On everything that you're thinking about But to sit there and say That the official story is often bullshit

Yeah, it is often bullshit Right from why a team got rid of a player To why we're fighting a war All of it is gonna be spun I'll tell you what's hilarious When I was overseas I kept doing this thing Saying like in the middle of my act

I would just be like, you know what Now I'm gonna take time out of my act To talk about the greatest country in the world The United States of America Okay, and everyone would start laughing And then all I would I wouldn't even do jokes I would just start spewing out our propaganda

Beacons of freedom Defending the rights of blah, blah, blah And everybody bursting out laughing Like I was doing stand-up comedy And all I was doing was just saying What my government says to me What we're doing All right, I did that in every city

All seven countries and they all left Okay, now you're gonna fucking tell me that That by doing that as a test Because I knew that they were gonna laugh I just wanted to see how hard they were gonna laugh How could I just sit there and be like What I'm being told is 100% fucking true There has to be at least another side

To this fucking story, right? I don't know Anyways, plowing ahead here Personally, I wouldn't do that I wouldn't send my DNA into the internet To find out what percentage German, Irish, English, French Whatever the fuck I am

I do think it's fascinating To figure that out But I just don't trust people that have I mean, one of the biggest lies The new checks in the mail That used to be the old lie The modern version of that lie Is this is a secure site

None of them are secure And you should be guarding Everything that you can At this point, even with myself I just think it's too late So much shit is out there But just because that's too late Doesn't mean you can't educate your kids

To not do that I don't know I am amazed with All of the stalkers that are out there Especially with women That the fact that you can go on the internet And essentially find anybody And figure out where they are

And also that you know If you're not paying attention Like you'll send out a fucking Something to one of these social media sites And it literally will say your location Where you're at in that moment I don't know Like how can that end up

Being a good fucking thing All right, money, free time And seclusion Jesus Christ, I think you're describing My dreams, my goals My life goals Living my truth Having money, free time, and seclusion

It's great Dear Billy Lifestyle I'm 37 years old And just started making really good money I used to work a shit job For a government contractor I spent 12 years working 9 to 5 and 2 Saturdays a month

Now I work 15 to 20 hours a week And make 3 times as much Hey, welcome to the world of dealing drugs The difference is With that, with all this free time I don't feel like being social anymore I don't have the same amount of steam To blow off

And my free time is almost more valuable Because I know what to do with it I'm drinking less and feel great My friends think I'm being lame But fuck them Do you see any problem with any of this Am I leading myself down a path To die alone

If I do die alone It'll certainly be peaceful All right, well I'm not saying Die alone But I also, you're just becoming an adult You know what I mean? You're becoming like Yeah, you don't need to go out

And go out and listen to Go out to some fucking bar Where you have to scream over the goddamn music Just sitting there getting hammered Or whatever, blowing money I think I don't know, how can I put this here All right, I don't think you're being lame

Because you want to Because, you know, you don't go out That's just becoming an adult You're a fucking adult That's all it is All right, and by you growing up You're freaking them out Because it's like, wait a minute

Is the party over And I'm still at it Am I that guy? But I would stop short of dying alone You know, I don't think you're being lame Dying alone What I would do is With your free time

Rather than go out to bars Go out and Do some sort of activity Like, I don't know what The softball league or some shit I'm old, I don't know what they have I mean, I'm so old Go rollerblading

Join a rollerblade team From the 90s I don't fucking know Go play walleyball I think that sports Is finally going to take off Which was volleyball Combined with wolves

I would do something positive like that Short of joining a church group And I would do that And then maybe you'll meet a great woman there Who also doesn't need to go out And fucking do Jaeger shots Well into your 30s Congratulations

You're finding out what makes you happy And you're working smarter You're working smarter Speaking of working smarter I have a big announcement That's coming out tomorrow on Tuesday I'm not allowed to say it But it's an announcement about a certain project

So check in on my social media sites If you have the time If you don't, I understand And I'll just bring it up on Thursday And I'll tell you anyways Alright, thinking about breaking up With my girlfriend Oh, Jesus

Hey, Billy, big time As the title suggests I'm thinking about breaking up With my girlfriend We've been going out For three-ish years Minus a break in the middle I broke up with her last summer

But like a moron I got back together with her A month later After failed prospects Oh boy, that is not a reason To get back together with her And you're already saying Like a moron

Yeah, okay She's what I would call Wife material Responsible, good-looking, Can cook, caring, you know My only problem is We don't have sex Don't get me wrong

We get physical But it usually ends in either A high Or nothing H.I. parentheses Same thing for her Because it's all

She lets me do I can't read that word I need glasses here What, I don't know Is that some new young slang? A high H.I. Don't get me wrong We get physical

I can feel all of you guys Laughing at me that I don't know what this means We get physical But it usually ends In either a high Or nothing She just says hello

Same thing for her Because it's all She lets me do She's Catholic Enough for it to be annoying And falls back on it When we talk about Controversial shit

Anytime I try to Have a productive conversation She sandbags with excuses Dude, I don't know What you're talking about here Is she a virgin? Anyways, I don't have a problem That she's Catholic

It just gets irritating When she pulls out The religious propaganda I'm not religious But I'm also not a douchebag Atheist I just don't give a shit I need help here, Bill

You need help Explain what is the I don't get what's going on You're saying Oh, you don't have sex at all I thought you meant By we don't have sex As we barely have sex anymore

So you're saying We don't have sex at all She's Catholic Because she's Catholic Okay I need help here, Bill It was fun while it lasted But I feel like I'm wasting

My time now To me, sex is a whole other side Of a relationship To her, it isn't That's fine We're different in this fact If I break up with her I'm not going back

Not doing that shit again By the way, we're both 21 And I haven't had sex yet Not by choice And neither has she Oh, all right P.S. I know it's late

But I fucking Love your show at the Altria Killed as usual I drug my family along I think you can say I drug my family I drug my family along

Forgot where the theater was Even though I occasionally Worked security for the acts there Missed dinner and almost Missed the show According to them 15 minutes early Is fucking perfect for me

They forgot all about it After the show If you want more details About my problem, let me know All right, see, about 21 All right, dude I'm just going to go back To what that woman's advice was

All right, you can't change People I wouldn't want to pressure somebody Into doing something Especially sexually That they didn't want to fucking do So either you accept That this is what she wants to do

Or you fucking walk I mean, that's it The big thing that sticks with me Is you said I broke up With her last summer But like a moron I got back together with her A month later

After failed prospects So it seems to me You think it was dumb To get back with her And that a month later Because, you know You weren't banging somebody You got scared

That you're going to be all alone I think you both want Two different things All right And this is a major thing And if that's how she wants To live her life You have to respect it

And if you want to go out And go bang somebody You should go out And go bang them So I would say You're too happy And that's it And when you break up with her

Don't fucking get back together With her Unless you're going to be Able to deal with the fact That she's never going to bang you Or just marry her Put a ring on it, man Put a ring on it

And then fuck her Put a ring on it Don't have any shit Fuck her and then divorce her That's the worst karma ever Don't do that All right, that's it That's been good

I've been the crabby old man On this podcast I don't remember football When it was fun That's it I stand by my fire I would love to hear You guys fucking opinions

You guys can call me A fucking old man or whatever I would love to have your Opinions on Is anybody else old like me And you just remember Like, you know Defense was fucking allowed

I don't know I have no idea Anyways That's it That's the podcast Go fuck yourselves And I'll check in on you on Thursday Hey, look for my announcement tomorrow

Bye