Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-18

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

Bill rambles about the Patriots, kids and self preservation.

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Live with it! How's it going? How's it going? Alright, alright Let's just get right down to it The New England Patriots Are going to the Super Bowl again Super Bowl Unfucking believable

How many times can they win games like that? It's incredible I thought the officiating was great Everything was great, fantastic I liked how it all washed out I really enjoyed that referee laughing his ass off after we scored a touchdown That was tremendous

I love everybody who saw that ref crack it up laughing Which you are not supposed to do, by the way, as a referee And that guy will definitely get disciplined Because what happens is that every mouth-breathing moron goes Look, the game's fixed! He's laughing because they just, you know Like, which I understand, that is the knee-jerk reaction But think about what you're saying

Alright, let's just say, for the sake of argument That referee was on the take Alright, which, you know, God knows I always said that about the NBA And then they caught that fucking guy Everybody said I was nuts Put yourself in that guy's position Alright, judging by his age

I'm going to assume he had a wife and kids He's got a mortgage, he's got a house And he's risking all of that And his freedom To fix an NFL game Put yourself in that position Are you going to be laughing when the team scores Or are you going to be fucking stone-faced?

Are you really going to be sitting there going Yeah, guys, just like we fucking said, you know So I'm hoping the NFL films will come out Just to hear whatever Patriots said That made him laugh Because he's going to get in trouble for that Because that opened this floodgate And everybody was just saying, like

Look at all the penalties on this side I still don't like the tiki-tak pass and afference stuff However, having said all of that You know, I think the Jaguars defense was a little overrated Everybody kept talking about how fucking great their defense was And completely ignored that the week before They gave up 42 fucking points to the Steelers Playoffs

When it counted Everyone just kept talking about how great their fucking defense That defense is that the only reason why nobody really fucking brought that up Was because they fucking Their offense scored 45 points So I don't know I don't know what the fuck to tell you About that great Jaguar defense

They also played in a weak division They beat the Colts twice That's why I don't, this is my deal Okay, I'm not saying they don't have a They actually do have a great defense, but they're young And they do dumb things, like take stupid penalties right before the half When the home team, whose favorite has only scored three points That fucking helmet to helmet hit

By the way, stupid fucking penalty Big chunk of yards And then you take a fucking bonehead pass and afference call On the next play And you basically give the Patriots a touchdown You give them fucking hope And then also your great defense gives up two touchdowns in the final fucking six minutes So I don't know what to tell you

There was a brutal hold call on the final Important offensive play of the game I will give you that But okay, let's say they call holding there We're gonna run at the next play You guys are gonna burn your last time out We're gonna kick the ball You're gonna be down on the ten fucking yard line

And you're telling me what the minute and change Blake Bortles is gonna run the length of the fuck I mean, it could happen It could fucking happen, but I don't know I don't know But anyways, that's why I don't give a shit about, uh You know, regular season stats You know?

I mean, okay, here's the thing Pumping up the fucking Jaguars defense Regular season, they beat the Colts Without Andrew Luck, 27-nothing They beat the Browns And only gave up seven fucking points They beat the Colts again, 30 to fucking 10 They beat the Texans, 45 to 7

These are all fucking teams That you're not gonna see in January Alright, but if you go through their fucking season They played the Titans twice, a playoff team They lost to them both times Led up 37 fucking points They had a close game at the end of the year They played the Rams that were a playoff team

They lost to them The only playoff team that I'm looking at here real quick That they beat was the Pittsburgh Steelers Beat them 30 to 9 And then they met them in the playoffs And they led up 42 fucking points So, I don't know I mean, how much more advantage could their defense have

I mean, Edelman wasn't in the game Our number one receiver Our next number one option was Rob Gronkowski And you knocked him out On a helmet to helmet hit That if a Patriot did it, it would have been viewed as like Like you killed Christ or something But whatever, it was a great game

Jaguar should have won the game I just thought they were too young And didn't know how to win the game Didn't know how to put the Patriots away And... I don't know Not to mention Tom Brady I don't know what the fuck happened

Guy cut his fucking hand We have an almost 41 year old quarterback With the fucking stitches in his throwing hand Edelman is out And you knock out Gronkowski And I don't want to hear Well, Gronkowski wasn't doing shit Gronkowski does something on every play

He draws double coverage And you didn't have to deal with that anymore So I don't know what the fuck to tell you I do feel bad for Jaguar fans Because, you know, that's a fucking football city That nobody seems to give a shit about You know what I mean? I like to jacks

You know what, I've actually come around in those helmets too So it was a great fucking game The Patriots are limping into the Super Bowl And should be underdogs, but won't be Because every mouth-breathing moron Who doesn't know shit about football Will put money on the Patriots For somehow we will be a...

I mean, the Eagles just look like fucking world beaters They have an amazing defense They have two fucking beasts They have prols and fucking Malcolm Blunt I mean, I don't know why the fuck we ever got rid of him I'm sure there was a reason for it But...

Yeah, I mean, the Eagles should be favorites But they won't be just historically Because they never fucking won it And we've won a lot So... So then if we lose, it's gonna be like Unbelievable upset What does it say about Brady's legacy?

We shall see We shall see And I feel bad for New England fans They're gonna go to that game With the behavior of Eagles fans And all of that shit And...

I saw some of the footage Some of this shit was funny, but I don't know Philly fans They didn't even know how to talk to women So you just fucking went out and did crazy shit every weekend Hoping that the women would then hear the story And be like, oh, that's the guy I want to go out with I just don't get it, man

I just don't... Fucking Vikings fans Oh, hey, how are you? How are you doing? Like the fucking nice Midwest people You're throwing full beers at them I don't know, but on the other side It's like, you know, that's what you're gonna get Why the fuck would you wear your Vikings gear

To the goddamn game But that's really getting played out Showing that type of shit And they did the classic thing too You know what's funny, with every NFL city They have like the story Like whenever there's a game in Boston They have to play that stupid fucking

Departed music I'm shippin' up to Boston And I lost my leg And then they're gonna show Paul Revere And all this freedom trail shit That nobody gives a fuck about who lives in Boston I walk by that fucking statue a million times I never look at it

And I don't eat clam chowder Anytime Philly plays In a major sporting event At some point, some fucking douche Is gonna try to teach you how to order a Philly cheesesteak It's like, we got it Give me a whiz with Give me one without

Don't say Philly cheesesteak You're in Philly You could literally walk up there To any fucking cheesesteak place In Philadelphia and be like I would like a cheesesteak With onions and peppers And provolone cheese

And you're gonna get it Because at the end of the day You have business and they need your money They always do that They show the fucking rocky statue And then they bring up the fact That they threw fucking batteries At Santa Claus

As if that is the only fucking thing That has ever happened In Philadelphia Why don't they ever reenact Ben Franklin Applying that fucking Stupid kite with the key on it Right? Why don't they bring up the 83 Philadelphia

76ers, the most underrated fucking Championship team of all time Who I've said forever that I would put up against The 96 Bulls Okay I would take Dr. J And fucking Andrew Tony To fucking

Knock down a lot of what Jordan And fucking, what's his face are gonna do Scotty Pippin And then underneath He got fucking Moses Malone One on one against Luke Longley I'm not saying they would have won Be a hell of a fucking series

Anyways, congratulations To the To the fucking Eagles What a game, good lord They gave the Vikings the old Right there Fred, I bet there was a lot of Vikings fans Wishing that they just fucking lost to the Saints After that beat down

They took them right across Their fucking lap Spanked their fanny Is it weird that I mean as much as I love the Vikings I kind of was rooting for the Eagles Just because I don't know

Case Keenim I just can't get past that name Case Keenim, it just makes me feel So fucking old Somebody named the kid Case Couldn't just name Robert Sorry, I'm being a cunt So anyways

If you are a Patriots fan Yeah, just know That it's gonna be a Terrible fan experience Because Nobody does anything about that Level of fucking ridiculous behavior And I think at this point they get so much

Hype out of how bad they behave Trying to outdo one another Like you remember a few years ago There was like some off duty cop Went to like a Phillies game And this guy was swearing and shit behind him And he goes hey take it easy, I got my kid here And the guy put his fingers down his throat

And threw up on the guy's kid I mean at that point It's just like, you just doing that Just to do it, right? I don't know, so anyways So now we're gonna have to sit through fucking two goddamn weeks Of them talking about fucking throwing batteries In Santa Claus

And showing the fucking Paul Revere statue And I'm shipping up to Boston And I lost my leg I don't know, I think the Eagles Are An overwhelming favorite If people knew how to gamble on football I would think

But that's not how it works But I think it's definitely It's the Eagles game To fucking lose I might be crazy But that's definitely what I think But alright, so there you go There's my football talk

Condolences To the fucking Jaguars and Vikings fans You know what I'm actually excited to watch Is that thing where they have Some Thursday on CBS About the NFL players Like who's like the most, who's like Basically whatever your hobby is

In the NFL playing drums, guitar Cooking and shit I actually want to watch that because I want to see how good The football player drummers are How stupid is that, right? Oh whatever, you got a thousand fucking channels You gotta find something to watch, right? Anyways

Did you guys see that fucking The fuck is that That one year anniversary I forgot, remember that lady when Trump got in Who was just screaming no I don't understand that type of Protest To do something like that

Because I think a lot of people were thinking that But to literally do what that woman did Makes anybody who doesn't like Trump look like a fucking lunatic There's so much just weird shit like that Like I saw last night The SAG Awards had all Women presenters

I just fucking, for the fucking life Of me Who comes up with this shit All of it just seems like Self preservation to me And none of it seems like you're actually going to work on the problem Like that's all the SAG Awards have to Fucking do is just have all female

Presenters and be like Yeah, see that, they're all good people Over there, they get it It's a show of solidarity Show of strength, I don't know I think it's a pretty weak fucking effort You know, we're going to wear all Black tuxedos

We're going to have all female presenters There we go We've been vetted I hate that word by the way Yeah, that's just The whole fucking thing is just I mean, who is No sexual harassment

Why would you need to go That much out of your way To do something as silly as that Which in a lot of ways is kind of reverse sexist Isn't it, I don't know Here's one fucking thing about this It's the only business I know about It's this business that I'm in

This business is fucking brutal And it routinely picks people up And slams them against the pavement Emotionally every fucking day Regardless of what's between you I don't know I don't even know what I'm trying to say here I just look at it, I'm like

Well, if they just decided they were going to have All male presenters, that would be considered The most sexist thing ever And then on the other side If you want all this fucking All these creeps Well, let's be specific Only the male creeps

In Hollywood, if you want all of them out I don't know that that's the fucking way to do it If that's an effective way to do it Everybody wears the same colored shirt And you have all women presenters I don't have a I don't have a degree in fighting crime Whatever that degree is

But I don't think same colored shirts Is going to do it We have to stop ISIS Okay, everybody wear blue shirts On Tuesday He's not wearing a blue shirt Does that mean he's in ISIS It's not what it is, Bill

It's symbolism It's a sign of strength Oh, Jesus Alright, maybe that is what it is I have no fucking idea This is why I watch sports I watch fucking sports Once again, the New England Patriots

They have a chance To win their sixth Super Bowl Literally what Tom Brady Bella Czech and these guys are doing As much as you guys fucking hate them At every fucking time we win a game There's some giant goddamn conspiracy Because nobody will give it up

That they're a fucking great team What they've done at this point Has transcended the game of football Alright, you got to put them up there With like the fucking I would say the Yankees From DiMaggio to Mickey Mantle, that run there

With the amount of World Series that they went to The amount that they won The Canadians Back in the day The Celtics in the 60s I mean, that's literally what you're watching And for them to be doing it now The reason why that never happens anymore

Is because now there's like 30 fucking teams In every Basically every sport It's just too difficult to do And somehow they are doing it So as much as you hate them Can you at least give it up on that Are you just going to start weighing footballs again

And fucking I don't know Alright, speaking of the Canadians Hey, how you guys doing up there Montreal You watch any Bruins-Canadians games lately We fucking beat them three times In the last eight days And the only reason why I know that is because

Joe Bartnick from the Great puck off podcast told me I've been so goddamn busy I only watched the first period of one of the games I've missed so much Bruins hockey And I know they're playing great And they're on this amazing streak And

Pretty excited that they beat the Canadians three times In the last eight games I know I have all the games taped So I'm going to have to watch them Because I got the kiddo at home But I haven't said that Everybody knows the regular season doesn't mean shit You know

I'm telling you, regular season stats Just go back to somebody's schedule And look at what they did against playoff teams And even then I think in football It gives you a little bit more of a gauge But like in basketball Baseball

And hockey And shit because On any given night They play so many games Any team can beat another team But winning in the playoffs And winning four out of seven It's a whole different ball game

I just wish more announcers would do that shit You know what I mean Look at the division Look at the Patriots How many years we've gotten all these double digit wins The fucking AFC East has been so goddamn weak So many years Who by the way beat the Jaguars in the regular season

The Jets fucking suck The Dolphins have sucked and the Bills have sucked So many of those years Or at least mediocre And that has given us Five to six wins every fucking year Alright, I'm done I'm done with the goddamn sports

Let's talk about Is that my daughter over there? It was my daughter's first birthday This past weekend I can't believe it She's no longer a baby She's a toddler Which is pretty amazing

And I gotta be honest with you It's a little sad You know what I mean She's now motoring around the house And I don't know It's already going by way too fast And so anyways It was her birthday, right

So I decided every year And I did it And we had like Nia invited all of these people Like it's weird, like all of our friends A bunch of our friends I should say Had kids in like the last year Like the last three years

So we had sixteen little kids Over here Plus their parents And a few of them brought friends Like we had like a We had a house party But it was just kids It was awesome

The kids were It was amazing It just blew my mind Because I was sitting there with like 30 people In my house at least And I remember standing there thinking Like wow, like literally like a year and a half ago This would have been a bunch of

Guys sitting here smoking cigars Out on the back porch Drinking booze And now I got all these Kids running around all of this stuff And I'll tell you After watching all the kids I'm kind of psyched I had a daughter

Dude Little girls that are made They're like little adults They just, they sit there They're emotionally stable The little boys They're fucking lunatics They're running all over the place

They climb I got this fountain out in my front yard And I know that that sounds wow Bill You got a fountain in your front yard You know what I would say about our fountain Go back and watch that Fred Armisen Sketch On SNL when he does the thing

Marble columns When they were talking about putting marble columns On the front of Split entry houses I hate this fucking fountain I've never liked it It's just a giant It's just a giant place

For mosquitoes to fucking And give us West Nile virus You know what I mean But they give you, then you gotta buy These little fucking donuts of poison That you throw in there and then a bird comes by And drinks out of it and then the bird dies So I never have any water in there

So these boys run out there They're climbing up on the fucking thing I'm having a panic attack that one of them Is gonna fall down You get them off of that Then they're throwing rocks down into the driveway Hitting the cars I couldn't get

They're little kids so I didn't get upset But I was just like wow man Having a girl Is a lot easy on the parenting thing I mean they sit down They're like chill, they're thinking You know The boys are just like hilarious

I don't know, if you turn you back One of them is gonna be like I got an idea What if I jump through the screen door So I don't know, made me feel lucky again So everybody gathers around To sing happy birthday And I got this cake that I made

And I've never made a cake before And I didn't try it out I didn't want to test a slice And have a giant slice taken out So I was basically Gonna have 30 people All taste the cake in front of me And I was waiting for this taste like shit

The cake's too dry or whatever Fortunately Everybody seemed to like the cake And After that the whole party Was downhill, that was the big thing I was just like I just have to get On the other side of the cake here

People eat the cake and they actually like it God knows if my wife didn't like it She would have let me know You know, well in fact she did try the frosting The night before and she let me know That she thought it could have been a little more chocolate It just tastes sweet, I just wish I had some cocoa in it

You know what I mean And I just went like yeah And then had like a full on fucking panic attack You know It's like why would you tell me that You know I'm stressing about this shit I don't know, that's what they do That's what they do

What would they be doing If they weren't fucking criticizing us Why can't there be an award show about that Where they protest the lack of compliments A man gets the second he marries a woman I don't give a shit if my wife cooked her shoe How does it taste Bill? Oh it's delicious Bill can I have more of the laces

It's almost like pasta except there's shoe laces You know, put on a fucking brave face Do you know how many times I've made something Okay, I've made my wife dinner And she's bit, the first bite she bites into She goes And then she runs over and grabs some salt Or something like that

If I ever fucking, a few times I've ever done that I did it for, I think for the first time Since I can ever remember, I did it this year And it was just one of those nights, it was late night And she was tired And she just went to the fridge And she usually can look in there and figure something out

And this time she just didn't And threw it together and it wasn't good And she was like How was it, I didn't say anything I just kind of gave her a look like, eeeh And then she immediately she was just like You don't like it? You think it's bad?

And then immediately I had to be like No, no, no, no, it's good It's good, it's just, you know You've made better You know, and then you just Falling down the fucking hole You're like, why did I, why was I honest She does it to me all the fucking time

I thought this was a little dry It's like a fuck I feel like I'm on the iron chef Whenever I put something on the fucking table I mean, I'm literally talking like oatmeal Like if I put too much milk in there She'd be like, it's too soupy It's too soupy

And I want to be like, you know what If oatmeal wasn't as hot as it is I would literally dump that over your fucking head Alright, what are you, what are you Like a food critic This is actually making me upset I'm kind of a fucking person Another person makes them a meal

And all you do is criticize it How about you at least go, hey I really appreciate it that you took the time out To make me a meal, that's one of the most kindest Loving things that one human being could do For another meaning I like a little bit less milk There's no way to criticize it

Without coming off like a jerk Just in the future Just to let you know I like a little less milk By the way, making a homemade cake Not that hard It's not that hard Don't be intimidated, it's easy

Making a pie, the pie crust, that's a fucking art Making a cake, not that fucking hard I made a three layer cake And what's gonna happen is Each layer is gonna be a little fucking Little uh I know, it was really hard to try to make them level I don't know how to do that yet

I'm sure there's something I can watch on YouTube But when you go to make it, if you know Each layer, cake, you know If one's leaning to the left The other's leaning to the right, you just spin them around You put them together like Legos And know that you're gonna have frosting in the middle Where you can kind of level it out

And no one's gonna notice My cake had a little lean to it Probably the hardest thing Is frosting the cake I started to watch videos on that But it was just too It was just too fucking boring And there was all this playoff football on

I wanted to watch that, so I probably could have done a better job with that I don't know, I'll ask my wife God knows she'll fucking tell me, right? But enough with me complaining About her complaining I should be secure enough My own baking skills

No, no You did this one wrong You know, I was trying to Cause I didn't have a lot of shit to talk about this week Other than just being completely blown away That my daughter's already a year old I can't believe it And I got her up this morning

You know, and I just couldn't believe how big she was And I was already thinking like She used to be able to fit like her head Would go from my elbow Not even to the tips of my fingers Like I could just Hold her just like that Now she's just, she's huge

What happened? You know? There's nothing, I can now see Why people have a bunch of kids Cause you keep wanting to hit Reset There's nothing better than Having a baby around your house

It's the greatest, it's like a puppy Times a million But what is cool is she's starting to talk So I'm waiting for these The conversations cause some of the kids, my god They were hilarious There was this little boy, right?

And he was talking to this They wanted to see like outside My house like along the side So I go, alright, I'll take you over there Just be careful cause you know There's all these concrete steps and shit I don't want somebody falling down So

He points to the side of the house He goes, what's this? And I go, oh that's the back of the chimney You know, he's a little kid He goes, what's that? And then the little girl answers She goes, that's where Santa Claus comes down And the smoke goes up When you have a fire

And then I think The little kid liked the girl And he goes, he says to me He goes, does she live here? And I started to answer The girl once again answered the question She goes, no, she goes, I live out in the desert And the boy goes

In the sand She goes, no What the heck The kid was bombing I was pulling for him, I was like Say something funny, make a laugh Whatever I just like that he was working on his game

At like four years of age Which Reminded me when I was a little kid I liked this girl who lived in my neighborhood So I just went over Her house Not even invited, I just went over Her house, knocked on the door

I think her name was Michelle I knocked on the door and her mom answers She goes, hey, is Michelle home? She goes, yeah, she's in there watching TV And I go, okay So I went in there And I sat down And watched TV with her

Her mother and I think her younger sibling And I never said a word For like an hour I just sat there watching TV Because I didn't know, you know I didn't know what to do and then I just got up and left I always wondered what that woman was thinking The redheaded boy came over

To visit our daughter today Honey, he came in, he didn't say a word Then he left He's an odd little fella Anyways Alright, let me read a little bit of advertising here for this week Alright, Dawley Shave Club, dude I remember there was another girl

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Which was amazing In the early 70s Like, there was no fucking comparison I guess there were, but computers were gigantic So she dropped it on the floor And she didn't realize it And I took it And then I started writing with it

And what was funny was The way they had the desk set up They had like Us in like little Groups of four And we faced each other And she was diagonal to me And I'm writing with this giant pink pen

And she's going, that's my pen And I was like, no, it isn't, it's my So she's like an idiot Then she tells the teacher And then she's going, Billy, is that your pen? And I was like, yes And then the girl's going, no, it was my pen And I was going, no, it isn't, it's my pen

And then the teacher's just like I don't think your mom would buy you a pink pen And she took it And gave it back to the girl And you know, as a little kid Like the embarrassment of that Goes away like eight seconds later And you remember like

You don't have like the mental capacity Like, did I just really try to pull that off? You know, why the fuck would I do that, right? So then I remember I went out, asked, and I had to go to the bathroom So I went out to the bathroom And her twin sister, the one I had to crush on Oh, this was like the next day

I went out to go to the bathroom and Her twin sister Who I had to crush on Came walking out at the same time And when she saw me She immediately put her eyebrows down She goes, I heard what you did I heard you try to steal my sister's pen

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Let's read some questions here for the week And let's get going Billy you stupid LA cunt Alright here we go You never mentioned why exactly you moved to LA I didn't know I was required to Why did you move to LA I just listened to you and Jim

Florent Cunt Slash Florentine He said And Florentine said he didn't see A difference with comedians in New York City I find it hard to imagine that LA Oh god this guy

I find it hard to imagine I'm just going to read exactly what he wrote I find it hard to imagine that LA There are a lot less cunts In the audience that get offended Too easily You then agreed with Jim That maybe it's because you now

Live there and are used to it But the way you said it Didn't seem believable So what's the deal Alright like There wasn't one capital letter No punctuation whatsoever A couple of periods maybe

I'm not required to tell you why I fucking moved out here But I will to eat up some time I was living in New York I was just sick of being there It just gets a point Where you know you get to be Too old and you're like An animal anymore

Which means you're either going to move outside the city Or in my business You're going to go to LA And I had nothing going on in my career Other than the Opian Anthony show But the writing was on the wall With that show where You know

Those guys Like they had a bunch of comics On and I was one of them Jim Norton Got us all in You know there was no money in the budget To pay us But the way that they paid us

Because they assaulted the fucking earth They used to run advertisements Of our gigs And Then our gigs would sell out And it was great But then the corporate cunts there Said that they couldn't do it anymore

You know so then you kind of had to Hype your show During the show Which would get in the way of Whatever craziness was going on So that's kind of where my career was at I was on a radio show And I wasn't getting paid

I wasn't getting any acting work And the only way I was getting paid On the Opian Anthony show They no longer let them do For whatever reason Which is really short-sighted On Sirius XM's Side

Opian Anthony were This launching pad For stand-up careers And they were making like They made us become like these Draws And then that would then Feed back into the show

Because then these people were selling all these tickets Were like hey I'm going to be in the Opian Anthony show You know what it was It totally fucking worked Perfect fucking relationship For about three years And then like what always happens Is the money people come in

And they fuck the whole thing up So I mean that's not the only reason I was Leaving But that's basically that was As high up as I got In New York I was on a radio show not getting paid

That's the best I could do I had already done an episode of Law and Order And I couldn't get on the Sopranos Because that was a bunch of Italians And I looked like fucking Billy Redface Over here so There was like no opportunity left

For me And I was going down to the comedy Seller Like every single night And it was like Groundhog Day And I just And I went out to LA and I hated LA And I just came out here

And the next time I went out I was starting to like it And I was fighting that feeling And I don't know I just said fuck it one day It's like you know what I wouldn't mind living in an apartment Paying a ton of money

But I could actually have like a couch That also wasn't my bed I wouldn't mind having a car I moved out here I had this apartment It was still a one bedroom And in the years I did share with my neighbor But still that was amazing to me

And I had a garage Where I could park my car And even though the traffic was fucking horrific Just the fact that I could live A little more like a human being again Um Was appealing And then there was a ton of acting work out here

That I could potentially get And I moved out here and within the first year Um I got on Breaking Bad So that's why I came out here But I do have to tell you that the I thought when I came out here That the comedy scene was horrific

So What I was trying to say on the podcast Is when I go back to New York now It's just like it's just I think it's just changed But because I'm not there every day I notice the change Um and out here last night

You know I was telling a couple of jokes and there was silence So maybe that's what it was So So personally But that is a big fucking thing The whole east coast west coast thing Um I do however I'm one of those weird people that I do love

Both coasts But uh You know I don't know I'm kind of out here right now I used to think like I'll always move back But now I don't know that I will Who knows I don't fucking know I have no idea

I'm not gonna have to move back there But now it seems like It's gonna be all crazy weather So the fact that it was hot out here Now it's gonna be extremely hot And the fact that it was cold Back there now it's gonna be extremely fucking cold And uh

I don't know I did like 40 something winners Back east Okay I put my time in I'd rather shove a lot of a mudslide Than this snow There you go all right All right Bill my problems with women

This is funny He wrote my problems with women Ugh my problems with women Dear Billsbury Doe Boy Oh I love that one All right I'm a huge fan from I don't even know how to say this F-E-R-M-A-N-A-G-H

Fur man nah Nah I don't know Ireland I'm 17 years old And have always been A fat cunt Well that's good man You're looking at yourself honestly

What can we do about this Recently I lost the weight And started getting into the gym There you go I'm now 6'1 And 200 pounds so naturally Have started getting more female attention All right this is all good I was never

Been successful with women But now I'm turning this franchise Around there you go Dude you're only 17 You're just getting out of the gate here My only problem is I'm a quiet guy And don't know how to talk to them They seem to just want to talk about

Bullshit or gossip and meaningless crap Oh god dude You can't be this cynical at 17 You sound like me right now And I'm gonna be 50 I try and be funny And make them laugh Which can only get me so far

I can't maintain a relationship Because they open their mouths And I contemplate suicide Jesus You sound like a writer Are you creative or something Or you think too much I consider myself

A straightforward no BS Kind of guy But I'm just a wanker Is this a problem with me or them I don't hate women I just don't get along With them If possible I would love to hear what Nia has to say Oh she wouldn't like how you worded all of this

Thanks Bill and go fuck yourself PS if you're getting into soccer I suggest you support either Tottenham or Liverpool As they have young exciting teams And aren't soulless corporate entities Like Chelsea or Man City Oh I didn't know that all right

I'll support Liverpool then That's where the Beatles are from right I don't fucking know Anyways What's your problem I don't know I think you're a little defensive I think you're a little insecure So you're kind of projecting on them

I know that that's what I did So I would say Open yourself up a little bit more And Realize how amazing they are But women are just like men A good one is hard to find Good woman hard to find

So You're only 17 And I think also trying to make them laugh is always a good thing And What I've learned is a lot of times They just want you to listen And They don't want you to try to solve their problems

So just you know When they tell a story They hold both their hands and be like Oh my god I don't know Why would you ask me Like I know anything about women Jesus Christ they fucking hate me

My fan base is a fucking sausage Fest I gotta give you more advice than that Yeah dude this is a weakness of mine Understanding women I have no idea You just basically I don't know it's like writing Charlie Manson Being like hey how do I get along

With people a little more A little more better He's probably a better example right Didn't he just die What a fucking life huh What a fucking life I just can't imagine spending that much time in jail Like you're never getting out again

You're in your 30's you're never getting out again Like how are you not just sitting there like really You gotta be fucking kidding me Fascinating guy In all the wrong way That guy literally never committed As far as we know never committed a murder But was such a fucking lunatic

I've never seen a horror movie Where all the guy had to do Was just whispering in somebody's ear Or something like that and then they just fucking Did whatever the guy said Just had that a bit like literally the fucking Devil He spent his whole life you know

Just imagine if he ever you know If he got Mickey Dolan's as part of the monkeys It's unreal If somebody like Hitler's drawings That's why you have to encourage people Alright westerns everybody Dear Billy Sundance Billy the Sundance okay I've been just getting into western

A huge fan as a kid I was more into space and futuristic stuff But as I round my mid 20's And I'm living more of a loner life I'm starting to connect more I'm really looking forward to The new Christian Bale Movie

Hostiles oh yeah I can't wait to see that I hope I said that correctly Because I loved 310 the Yuma I love the original too My other favorites are Tombstone and Butch Cassidy I was hoping to hear which one Your favorites are

And get some recommendations To watch while I'm snowed in For the next 4 days All the best to you and your family I would say the Clint Eastwoods The Spaghetti Westerns Fist full of dollars The good the bad and the ugly

He had like a trilogy of those Outlawed Josie Wales You know I hate to say this but I've never seen That was right when I started doing stand up And I just started missing out on shit I like those the Wild Bunch The Magnificent Seven The original Westworld

There's one that combines futuristic Sci-Fi and Westerns Yule Brenner is incredible in that Yule Brenner one of my favorites of all time Not because he's bald like me But I just thought he was the shit I never saw Butch Cassidy in The Sundance Kid I would say that was all of them

I was never quite into the John Wayne ones Those ones were too far back in the day I liked the ones from the 60's I liked those and I liked all the war movies Kelly's Heroes, Dirty Dozen Bridge over the River Kwai All of that shit So those are my recommendations

I would go with the Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Westerns Alright my life's fucked My fucked life, sorry My fucked life This sounds like a sitcom right Oh fuck the battery Did the battery just die?

Oh the battery's gonna die Oh fuck I gotta wrap this up My fucked life Hey if I don't get through all this Thank you to everybody for listening And once again Congratulations to the Patriots and the Eagles And congratulations to the Jaguars

And the Vikings on two great seasons Four great seasons here My fucked life Dear Bill and Nia I'm 17 and still in high school I'm a bit of a I'm in a bit of a pickle What the fuck is wrong with this thing

My best friend I realized after we were falling asleep at her house She had just taken off her makeup And made a joke like sorry I look so bad But when I looked at her Thought she looked so beautiful and cute In her sweatshirt That was just a little too big for her

What is this flash dance However she's currently dating a cunt Well what the fuck are you doing Over her house Alright I'm back I guess My order was almost Filled up sorry about that So now I had to fucking add two things together

As always as always making my life difficult Anyways Yeah so what are you doing over this person's house She's dating somebody else Anyways he goes He's a loser No job still gets an allowance An expensive card that his mommy bought him

Sits at home all day playing video games Getting stone and treats people Like he's above them I hate him and I openly mock him In front of our friends Her and even him Like He got her

This really generic but expensive looking Heart shaped necklace When she showed it to everyone I looked at him and said loudly Wow must have cost your mom Quite a big Whatever that means As you can imagine he tries to avoid me

Yeah well you're being a fucking cunt We share the same friends And they hate him And like me But mind you I'm no prize either I'm trying to get a job unlike him Oh Jesus you don't even have a fucking job And I'm saving up for a car

So our choices are Two guys who don't have a job And he has a rich mom Well there you go I tend to be nice A nice guy But can at times piss people off You get dick with my jokes

You sound like you're being a dick I'm not saying you are but you're being a dick to this guy He's at least three inches taller than me And handsomer Better looking I guess he's got this great smile That makes me want to fuck him up For

That makes me want to fuck it up for him But recently I've started to turn my life around Quit beer porn and drugs My grades are going up applying for college Working out a lot But all this in hopes of catching her eye Like I said She's my best friend and has a boyfriend

So I really don't know how to handle this Any help from you and me It would be greatly appreciated Yeah dude I would start fishing In a different watering hole Alright You know for you to sit there And stand there and be a cunt

To her boyfriend Talking about her boyfriend Over her fucking house It sounds to me like You're as Chris Rock says You're in the friend zone So what you need Is you need some time away from her

Alright move on with your fucking life Keep working out Get your shit going And who knows you might just meet somebody else And then eventually when she dumps Losers she comes around and sees you Oh my god look at you you're going to college You look great you've been working out

You know watch porn Who knows maybe it'll happen But I can tell you it's definitely not going to happen If you're just going to be her friend And making snide remarks About her boyfriend Come on dude you got to be better than that That's just coming off like

You know you're acting like a fucking You're acting like a douche I don't know how else to put it That's not a strong move And you should have more going on in your life Than to fucking be You should have more self esteem than that Okay she wants to date this fucking guy

Guess what it's her loss So fuck it get on with your life Keep working out Work out for yourself Go to college for yourself Do all this shit for yourself You start putting out more of a positive vibe As supposed to

You know Hanging around her Shitting on her current boyfriend I mean that's just like I don't know that's not a good look Okay I believe in you Do what I just said Or don't

Cause I don't have any professional training Alright dumping my girlfriend A billy billboard brow I fucking asshole That's another good one Recent Fandia podcast Stand up and all that jazz Anyways

I'm a 24 year old dude And I've been dating and living with my girl For almost 4 years now And I finally had enough She's a real Donner and talk shit about people Including her friends like it's an Olympic sport Now the problem is she lost her job A month ago on account of her shit talking

Hasn't exactly been going on For a new one because she's anxious Or whatever Leaving me to pick up her end of the bills She didn't have any savings because she Had picked up the habit of going out and drinking Every night I honestly wouldn't have a problem

Just up and leaving But the apartment is a stone's throw From the beach and my other roommate And I really don't want to leave The fucking decisions people make It's right near the beach The other roommate is my best friend Okay, she's got a lot of books and shit

And the bed is hers So it wouldn't be a little So it would be a little difficult to do the old Put all her stuff in a box trick Deep down I do still Have love for her So the idea of kicking her out Hurts my heart but I just can't deal

With the endless drama and unhappiness We'd love to hear your advice On the podcast And as always go fuck yourself The relationship Has run its course And you need to go Your separate ways

And sometimes when that happens Somebody gets hurt But you're not doing her any favors If you don't want her to be with you And you're just wasting her and your time So You know This is why you don't

Fucking live with somebody Unless you know you're going to marry him I don't know Yeah, boy So what do you do? Break up with her And then tell her to move out all at the same time Or those two separate conversations I just break up with her

And then let her bring up Where am I going to live And I'd be like, well I don't know I mean the coastline is pretty long So I'm sure there's another beachfront apartment She could be in I'm assuming your name's on the lease Usually when there's a break up

The guy has to leave and leave half his shit So it seems like you're in a decent position here Who wants a negative drunk without a job? I don't think you want that Doesn't sound like you want it I think the love you have for her Was who she used to be Or who you thought she was

So And neither of those are happening right now So it's time for you to tell her to hit the bricks Happy New Year sweetheart Beat it You can't say it like that I just tell her look We need to talk

And sit down and she could be like, what's the problem What's the problem? And you just got to fight through that fucking Horrible feeling There's nothing worse The only worse than a woman crying is when she's about to cry Because you still have hope That she's not going to cry

So you're on pins and needles Once she's crying you're like ah fuck This sucks but you kind of know what's going to happen Yeah you just got to sit her down And just say listen I'm not happy This isn't working for me anymore And

We need to break up All right Boom boom boom And you got to get that out You got to get all of that out Don't sit there and be like Well I don't know how to say this

And turn it into a 45 minute thing Rip the bandaid on Just rip it off We need to talk, I'm not happy We need to break up Okay You go into the two minute offense You don't get out of bounds

You keep the clock running You want this game to be over I don't know Yeah that's what I would do That's what I would do Just sit down and just say all right In eight seconds This relationship is going to be over

Okay I'm on this side Of the eight seconds How long does it take to say that I'm going to time it right now All right we need to talk I'm not happy We need to break up I just did that in like five seconds

And then she goes What if we blah blah blah No I've made the decision We need to break up it's just not working for me I don't love you the way I used to love you What can they say about it They can get mad, they can cry, they can do all that shit Because you conveyed it and you're out

Where am I going to live I don't know We'll figure that out I guess that's the next thing we need to figure out And whoa It's your life going to suck after that But it's never going to suck more Than staying in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in

All right and that's one to grow on Go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you on Thursday All right I'm back My order was almost Filled up sorry about that So now I had to fucking add two things together As always as always making my life difficult

Anyways Yeah so what are you doing over this person's house She's dating somebody else Anyway he goes He's a loser No job still gets an allowance An expensive card that his mommy bought him Sits at home all day playing video games

Getting stone and treats people Like he's above them I hate him and I openly mock him In front of our friends Her and even him Like he got This really generic but expensive looking Heart shaped necklace

When she showed it to everyone I looked at him and said loudly Wow must have cost your mom Quite a big Whatever that means As you can imagine he tries to avoid me I can't We share the same friends

And they hate him And like me But mind you I'm no prize either I'm trying to get a job unlike him Oh Jesus you don't even have a fucking job And I'm saving up for a car So our choices are Two guys who don't have a job

And he has a rich mom Well there you go I tend to be nice A nice guy I dress people up with my jokes And even be a dick with my jokes You sound like you're being a dick I'm not saying you are but you're being a dick to this guy

He's at least three inches taller than me And handsomer Better looking I guess he's got this great smile That makes me want to fuck him up For Well that makes me want to fuck it up for him But recently I've started to turn my life around

Quit beer porn and drugs Going up, applying for college Working out a lot But all this in hopes of catching her eye Like I said She's my best friend and has a boyfriend So I really don't know how to handle this Any help from you and Nia would be greatly appreciated

Yeah dude I would start fishing in a different watering hole Alright You know for you to sit there And stand there and be a cunt To her boyfriend Talking about her boyfriend And you're going over to her fucking house

It sounds to me like You're as Chris Rock says You're in the friend zone So what you need Is you need some time away from her Alright Move on with your fucking life Keep working out, get your shit going

And who knows you might just meet somebody else And then eventually when she dumps this loser She comes around and sees you Oh my god, look at you, you're going to college You look great, you've been working out You know, watch porn, who knows Maybe it'll happen, but I can tell you It's definitely not going to happen

If you're just going to be her friend And making snide remarks About her boyfriend Come on dude, you got to be better than that That's just coming off like You know, you're acting like a fucking You're acting like a douche I don't know how else to put it

That's not a strong move And you should have more going on in your life Than to be You should have more self esteem than that She wants to date this fucking guy Guess what, it's her loss So fuck it, get on with your life Keep working out

Work out for yourself Go to college for yourself Feel good about yourself You start putting out more of a positive vibe It's supposed to You know Hanging around her, shitting on her Current boyfriend, I mean that's just like

I don't know, that's not a good look Okay, I believe in you Alright Do what I just said Or don't Because I don't have any professional training Alright, dumping my girlfriend A billy billboard brow

Fucking asshole That's another good one Recent Fandia podcast stand up in all that jazz Anyways I'm a 24 year old dude And I've been dating and living with my girl For almost four years now And I've finally had enough

She's a real donor and talks shit about people Including her friends like it's an Olympic sport Now, the problem is she lost her job A month ago on account of her shit talking Hasn't exactly been going on Looking for a new one because she's anxious Or whatever Leaving me to pick up her end of the bills

She didn't have any savings because she had Picked up the habit of going out and drinking Every night, I honestly wouldn't have a problem Just up And leaving But the apartment is a stone's throw from the beach And my other roommate And I really don't want to leave

The fucking decisions people make It's right near the beach The other roommate is my best friend Okay, she's got a lot of books and shit And the bed is hers So it wouldn't be a little So it would be a little difficult to do The old put all her stuff in a box trick

Deep down, I do still Have love for her So the idea of kicking her out Hurts my heart, but I just can't deal With the endless drama and unhappiness We'd love to hear your advice On the podcast And as always, go fuck yourself

The relationship Has run its course And you need to go Your separate ways And sometimes when that happens Somebody gets hurt But you're not doing her any favors If you don't want her to be with you

And you're just wasting her and your time This is why you don't fucking live with somebody Unless you know you're going to marry them I don't know So what do you do? Break up with her And then tell her to move out all at the same time Or those two separate conversations I just break up with her

And then let her bring up Where am I going to live And I'd be like, well, I don't know I mean, the coastline is pretty long So I'm sure there's another beachfront apartment That she could be in I'm assuming your name's on the lease Usually when there's a break up

The guy has to leave and leave half his shit So it seems like you're in a decent position here Who wants a negative drunk without a job? I don't think you want that It doesn't sound like you want it I think the love you have for her Was who she used to be Or who you thought she was

So Neither of those are happening right now Next Happy New Year, sweetheart Beat it You can't say it like that I just tell her, look, we need to talk And sit down, she's going to be like

What's the problem? And you just got to fight through That fucking horrible feeling There's nothing worse The only worse than a woman crying Is when she's about to cry Because you still have hope that she's not going to cry So you're on pins and needles

And you're like, ah, fuck There's socks, but you kind of know what's going to happen Yeah, you just got to sit her down And just say, listen I'm not happy This isn't working for me anymore And We need to break up

All right, just like that Boom, boom, boom And you got to get that out You got to get all of that out Don't sit there and be like Well I don't know how to say this And turn it into a 45 minute thing

Rip the band-aid on Just rip it off We need to talk, I'm not happy We need to break up Okay You go into the two minute offense Okay You don't get out of bounds

You keep the clock running You want this game to be over No, I don't know Yeah, that's what I would do That's what I would do Just sit down and just say, all right In eight seconds This relationship is going to be over

Okay, I'm on this side Of the eight seconds All I do, how long does it take to say that? I'm going to time it right now All right, we need to talk I'm not happy We need to break up I just did that in like five seconds

And then she goes What if we blah blah blah No, I've made the decision We need to break up, it's just not working for me I don't love you the way I used to love you That's what can I say about it They can get mad, they can cry, they can do all that shit But the thing is, you conveyed it and you're out

Where am I going to live? I don't know We'll figure that out That's the next thing we need to figure out Is your life going to suck after that But it's never going to suck more Than staying in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in All right, and that's one to grow on

Go fuck yourselves, I'll talk to you on Thursday