Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-12

Episode Date: January 24, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about NFL playoffs, the Ravens Pantyhose, and kids sexting.

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Trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information on BMW.b For Monday, January 23rd, 2012 How the fuck are you? How's it going? Let's get right down to it this week. Alright? You know what, I don't need to get right down to it.

What the fuck am I talking about? What are you doing? You know, I can take my time with this shit. What do you gotta do? You gotta get back to work. Huh? Shuffling your fucking papers and your cubicles. That what you gotta do?

Readjust your paper clips. They still got paper clips out that way. With all the fucking Steve Jobs shit that he created. You know, something, I watched all kinds of football this past week. Weekend, obviously. And one of the most fucking annoying things. Why is everybody shitting on Steven Tyler? Going, how bad was his national anthem rendition?

Alright? Guys fucking 63 years old, he's singing outside. You know? With no band behind him. Right? Can we cut him some slack? Fuck no. This is the internet.

Let's take this guy down who's had more hit singles than all of us. Who's gotten more pussy than all of us. Who women still wanna bang. Jennifer Aniston like four or five years ago when she was still married to fucking baby blue eyes there. You know, with his highlighted tips. You know that guy? Play Billy Bean. Brad Pitt.

Right? They had their list of five people that they could bang. One of hers was still Steven Tyler. I think one of Brad's was Angelina Jolie. Oh, I enjoyed that one, did you? I don't give a fuck. So anyways, he sings the national anthem. I thought he did a great job.

I didn't have a fucking problem with it. So anyways, this is what people say. On Celebrity Circuit, they go, Steven Tyler, how bad was his national anthem rendition? Not, do you think it was good? How did you like it? They're just immediately staring it towards the negativity, which really is the fucking, you know, bleeding baby seal of the internet. Everybody's gonna pile on. They're all gonna pile on and trash Steven Tyler.

Why? Because he's stunk or because you hate your fucking life. How would his fellow American Idol judges rate Steven Tyler's rendition of the national anthem at the AFC Championship game on Sunday? Let's just say it probably wouldn't get him to Hollywood. He lives in a house in the Hollywood Hills. He's already there. He's a fucking legend. He's in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

You know, just when I think I'm the biggest cunt on the internet, people like this just blow right by me and just show me a whole new level. A New England Patriots fan, the 63-year-old American Aerosmith frontman, warbled the star-spangled banner before the New England Patriots played the Baltimore Ravens. He missed the high note and butchered some of the lyrics. Heckling began before his performance ended. You know, I got HD, TV, fucking surround sound. When was that heckling? I don't fucking get it. You mean when they cheered when he said land of the free?

You know, how bad was it? So let's listen to what all these people have to say who can't even fucking sing. This would be like me making fun of a first ball at Hall of Fame quarterback saying he's overrated. Alright, I'll shut the fuck up now. Dude, was it me? I didn't think it was that bad. Oh my god, what was Steven Tyler wearing? Jesus Christ, hang it up.

You know what he's a victim of? He's a victim of, he's still so fucking badass people think that he's, they forget that he's fucking 63 years old. You know what I mean? And is it, I don't know, is it because he's so badass or is it because the Rolling Stones are still dragging their asses out on the road? Because I've noticed that with Aerosmith, they never got, they never looked that fucking old. Because the Rolling Stones are always going to be 10 years older than them. I don't know, does any of that make any fucking sense? Alright, let's get back to what the fuck I wanted to talk about the football this week.

My fucking condolences to all the Ravens fans out there except for that fat cunt from two years ago when the Ravens won and made me never go to a fucking sports bar again to watch a game. Remember that story? The first player in the game, they handed the ball off to fucking Ray Rice and he ran 85 yards for a touchdown and this guy just went... He just kept yelling. You know like when a professional player makes an unbelievable play and they just start yelling. It's annoying enough when they do it.

This guy was doing that. Looking back now, it's actually kind of funny that he was that much of a spaz and how mad he made me. He's the only Ravens fan that I don't have sympathy for this morning and I am not even going to remotely talk shit. About that, we basically, we backed into the Super Bowl. You know, that's not one of those games where you're like, yeah, huh? When it came down to it. What did we do? We got in your head and we fucking threw some salted butter over your shoulder or whatever fucking thing we could do to make you miss a 32 yard field goal. What the fuck?

I do got to say I was surprised at how well our defense played. And, you know, and I can't believe they didn't review that fucking touchdown. The guy caught the ball, boom boom, both feet were down, right as the second one came down, more slapped it out of his hands and you would have thought that they, you know, for a Super Bowl they would have reviewed it for some fucking reason they didn't and fucking 32 yard field goal and the guy hooked it. That poor bastard. That fucking poor bastard.

You know, kickers always get made fun of, you know, for being pussies and that type of thing. Do you know the balls it took for that guy to walk into that locker room after that? The fucking Ray Lewis. God damn, roided out dragon breathing fire. Sitting across from you. I think if he killed him, I don't think anybody in Baltimore would have fucking convicted him. So I don't know what to tell you. I can't talk any shit.

I'm excited that my team is back in the Super Bowl, but I'm also worried because I think the Giants are fucking world beaters. There, I said it. Alright, I know I'm going to get shit from Patriots fans, but be honest with you, the level of play in that Giants 49ers game, the level of hits, that was a monster of a fucking game. It really was and that was one of those games where it was a shame that anybody had to fucking lose it. So I don't know. I always have faith with Belichick and his ability to come up with a game plan, but I don't know if he's got enough guys to execute it because I don't see a weakness in the Giants.

Corners are a little weak other than that, you know. Tom Coughlin to Bill Belichick. I'm saying that's a push at this point. Belichick spent around too long. He's like an old fucking stripper. Everybody knows his moves. Alright, he's still up there grinding on the pole to some journey song, you know. So I think that's a push.

Running backs, you got to give it to the Giants. Wide receivers, that's a push. Defensive front four, no contest, that's the Giants. Linebackers, I think a linebacker's been playing great, but I would say that slight edge to the Giants in corners, that's a flip. And this is going to surprise you. I would say at quarterback, I would say it's a push. I know, oh fuck a job, Brady. I don't give a fuck.

Eli Manning plays his best when the game's on the line. The guys won fucking five road playoff games since 2007, you know. So I'm not talking any shit and it's not going to surprise me. If we lose, no one will surprise me if we win. I think it's going to be another nail biter, I hope. Although I do have a bad feeling that in the second half it could get ugly. If they have any sort of long sustain drive, because I'm not good with the names. Whoever their fucking fullback is, who basically is like, he's like a defensive lineman, but he's a running back.

That motherfucker, that guy can really wear down a defense. And I already had a nightmare of Brady sitting on the sidelines wondering when he was going to get the ball back. So, so whatever. Look at that, the Patriots, their seventh trip to a fucking Super Bowl with three and three. I'm hoping we're going to be four and three. But like I said, 49ers, unbelievable fucking game they played. And Ravenfans, I can't talk any shit because I thought you got fucked on that. You deserved a replay on that play and fucking 32 yard field goal.

Who's kidding who? 30% of people in the crowd could have hit that. Oh, Jesus. What the fuck does that, how do you sleep after you do something like that? Like when I go on stage and bomb as a comedian and I just let myself down. Like I'm talking to myself. I'm walking around. I come home.

I'm grumpy to Nia. I act like an ass. You know, and I just let myself down to let down fucking, what do you want to team? 48 guys, 46, whatever the fucking rule is to let down 40 plus other people who all are lifting weights and can run a 440. And you're walking in there built like you're on the fucking math team. I just the level of balls and you're wearing those goddamn stretchy pants. That's the one thing I got to give the Raven shit for. When did you start wearing those ballet pants in games?

I don't get it. Why are you guys out there wearing those pantyhose? Is there a giant, remember those fucking eggs that pantyhose came in in the 70s? The fuck were those things called really dating myself? Is that what it's about? You know, I had read and fucking Ray Lewis that tough that they can actually wear pantyhose and no one's going to give him shit. I'll do it in the safety of my own fucking place. 3,000 goddamn miles away.

I will fucking do it. But that's the only shit I can give you other than that, man. I thought you guys got you got fucked in the end. So with that, it is on. The Patriots are going against the best quarterback in the Manning family. You understand me? It is Eli. I just want to piss off because I'm still getting, I'm still, you couldn't believe this.

I'm still getting emails from Peyton Manning fans trying to tell me why the guy is better than Tom Brady. Why can't we just agree to disagree? Okay. I get why you think he's better than Tom Brady. And I'll never convince you otherwise. And I'll take Tom Brady. Let's just make a truce. Leave it at that.

And how about we enjoy what the fuck Eli's doing? Seriously, he's a football fan. It's fucking unbelievable. You know, he's getting shit all over. He's in the toughest media market out there, arguably. You know, it's if it's not that as Boston or Philly, you know. And, uh, and he's, he's guys going out there winning the fucking games. Um, can't get mad at that.

All right. But whatever you do, Peyton fans, I don't give a fuck. I'm not reading your emails anymore because all you guys are doing now is you're rewriting history. And you're coming back with your fucking excuses about, well, Peyton really never had a defense acting like Peyton used to lose to the Patriots 40 to 38. He didn't. He used to lose games 20 to 17. Oh, by the way, what did I say? Patriots 23 20.

I think that's exactly what happened. You know, and I was so confident in that prediction that I didn't even bet the game because I was like, you know what? It's too easy. No, it's not true. I actually said 23 20 or 20 to 17. And in the third quarter, I texted fucking Paul Versey and said, this game's over. We're going to lose because I thought our defense had broken at that point.

So I'm not even going to fucking, you know, whatever. I hit a half court shot. Not looking. Um, but anyways, Eli, oh, wait a minute, Peyton, stop fucking trying to rewrite history. Okay. He lost games like 20 to 17. That's how he lost those fucking games. And it always came down to the end and you always had one more shot and he never got it done.

All right. That's all I'm saying. So go fuck yourself and the fucking Patriots. All right. We had, we had Antoine Jameson, old ass Corey Dillon, Tom Brady, six round draft pick, by the way, that people are forgetting now because he's a superstar was throwing the fucking Dion branch, Troy Brown and David Patton. Well, fucking daddy long leg neck there was fucking throwing to, uh, arguably the fucking

Jerry Rice of the AFC had Marvin Harrison, Edger and James behind behind them with his fucking, uh, Samson S dreads, right? He had all kinds of fucking players. His defense wasn't the greatest. No, but it was decent. It was good enough to win a game. And you're ignoring the fact in his Joe Montana moment in the Super Bowl, he threw a pick six loose the Super Bowl.

Right. So go fuck yourself. Go twisting around all you want to twist it around and ignore the fact that he can never beat the fucking Patriots. And that one year he made like fucking 20 different clips where he felt it was a penalty. Refs never called the flag because it wasn't a penalty. He took it to the front office and they're like, Peyton, we don't know what to tell you. It's legal.

And then they were like, well, it shouldn't be right. And then his owner who sits on the rules committee changes the rules. So now it is illegal. And guess what? The next year he beats the Patriots or two years later, whatever, and gets his fucking ring. Give me a fucking break. You want to know why all these guys are fucking breaking down Marino's records?

It's because of that rule change. It's fucking ridiculous. These goddamn quarterbacks, cornerbacks, if they even touch the fucking receiver, they got a 50 50 chance of being called for interference. It's both the amount of times I say that's fucking bullshit and the call goes my way. It's bullshit. I'm not one of those fucking sports fans who think something's bullshit until it goes against his own fucking team.

I mean, until until the call goes with my team, those fucking rules are bullshit. I understand no hands to the face. I get that five yards I get, you know, you can only touch them after five yards. But that shit where the guy can't kind of have his hand on you like hand checking you. I don't get that. Okay. And he has to be turning around looking at the ball to fucking put his hands up so he can't be feeling back to see where the fuck you're at.

Is it any wonder why these guys are breaking down Marino's records? Give me a fucking break. So fuck all the Peyton Manning fans. The guy's a first ballot hall of famer. I've always told you that I just said in the playoffs, he's an easily frustrated guy and his playoff record shows it. He lost to the eight and eight 97 charges at home. Go fuck yourself back to back years.

I don't want to hear it. Go blame that on your defense. All right there. Cunty, the real man. You know what it is, Peyton Manning is Venus Williams and Eli is Serena. Really Bill? Are you really? I love how he said I wasn't going to talk about this, but I'm going to continue talking

about it. Peyton Manning is one of those guys that the second he's retired, I'm going to absolutely love him just like Magic Johnson, you know, and I'm not listening and I'm not fucking bragging about the Patriots because that's another thing, them going to the fucking Super Bowl. Ben Rothlessberger was wearing one clown shoe for the final third of the season so we didn't have to play the Steelers. We didn't have to play Peyton Manning in the Colts. We went up against touchdown Jesus in their high school offense and then we backed into

the Super Bowl. So I am by no means confident, all right? But you fucking Peyton Manning fans, go rewrite history with each other, okay? That's what you have to do because of what happened. So go fuck yourself, all right? I actually had somebody send me an email, go and see, look what the Colts did this year. That just shows that Peyton Manning was consistently taking, making a 5 and 11 team, 13 and 3. Marvin Harrison, Edridge and James, Marshall Faulk, Dallas Clark, all those guys, right?

You know, coaching the guy fucking had, give me a break, that was a 5 and 11 team. So this team here is the team he's had since 1998, are you that fucking stupid? Are you really that fucking stupid? This year actually showed not only how good Peyton was, but also how bad a franchise the fucking Colts are because they never took into consideration that Eli, that Peyton was ever going to go down. So they had some guy from the fucking YMCA come in and back him up and yeah, he lost a bunch of fucking games.

What if they had Matt Castle? Do you think they'd be Owen fucking 13 or whatever the hell they were going? They wouldn't. You know? What are you going to do? Why don't you go change another rule? Why don't the Colts go change another rule that if your star quarterback goes down, the Colts automatically get 13 fucking wins.

It's not fair. He hurt his neck. All right. I know that whole fucking rant was annoying to a lot of people, but I really don't give a shit. You know, I get shit on the internet just like Steven Tyler. I got one right here from my Facebook page. Bill, I love your act, but this thing of publishing slash recording every thought you have at

a moment's notice is seriously sad. That's actually a compliment that he said it was sad, which would mean that I've somehow dropped a level. You know? I don't know if this guy realized that I perform in strip malls across the country. So the fact that anybody's even listening to this is a major triumph. And that's how I'm looking at it. All right.

I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders. I'm taking one game at a time. Anyways, let's talk about, I was in Texas. I was in fucking Texas this weekend. I was in Houston and then I was in Austin, a tale of two cities. Austin is like, Hey, buddy, what the fuck you looking at, man? Right. And then Austin is like, all the leaves are brown.

Hey, man, why don't we make a house out of hemp, man? Both of those stereotypes are going to fucking annoy people, but I got to tell you, I got one of the funniest heckles I ever got when I was in Houston, I was at the House of Blues and thank you to everybody who came out to my show, by the way, to both shows. I had a fucking awesome time. I was standing on stage and I was talking about rappers getting busted with the unregistered gun in the car. And I was like, oh, Jesus, how many of these guys have gotten busted for that?

And this guy in the back goes all of them and immediately brought all this racial tension into it. And it was such a funny vibe from the crowd afterwards. I totally felt this vibe that like half of them agreed and the other half were cringing going, you see, this is why we have this reputation. It's not all of us. It's a select few. It wasn't even half the crowd agreeing with the guy.

That's one of the things I love about doing stand up is those kinds of fucking moments. It reminded me of a long time ago. Just one of those moments where you just realize that most people are decent human beings because the amount of people who fucking cringed and then when I was making fun of them afterwards were almost like overly laughing just to a show that, listen, we're not all like that. I remember a long time ago I did this room in East Harlem in New York. I don't know what the fuck it was. It looked like a lecture hall or the way it was set up with a stage was, you know, at

floor level and then the seats all went up, you know, and the only fucking white guy in there and there was some woman there, some lady and she was a drunk and sort of like a neighborhood legend. So she just kind of got away with doing whatever she wanted to do and she was being rude and yelling out and kind of making the show all about herself. You know, one of those deals she thought she was helping the show. So I start giving her shit. I start shitting on her telling her to shut the fuck up and all that blah, blah, blah,

blah and the crowd's laughing. I don't know. She got upset or something. She stood up and I was like, is she going to come onto the stage and she didn't. She started walking up the aisles all the way up to the top and in my head I'm going, thank God she left. Now I can actually try and do my fucking act here. So like about two minutes later, I'm in the middle of my act and I was imitating something,

acting something out. So I was kind of leaning forward and one of my legs was about six inches, one of my feet was like six inches in front of the other, like standing like that, almost like a wide receiver lines up, right? And all of a sudden I didn't realize this, that fucking lady, she took off her shoe and fucking like Kareem did a hook shot and threw it down at me and it came in and hit the inside of my leg, almost hit me in the balls and I don't know if you've ever been on stage and someone's thrown something at you, you instantly become absolutely fucking livid,

alright? So she threw it at me, it hit me and immediately there was sort of this ugly silence in the crowd because I don't know, because I was the only white guy there, she fucking threw it, it just got really weird and then also it was, you know, somebody just threw something at somebody on stage. It's like, oh, is this going to get fucking nuts right now? So I looked down at the shoe, fortunately it was one of the most fucked up looking shoes I ever saw in my life, it was just like, it was like glitter on it and duct tape, the

fucking thing was a mess. So I go, I was like, you know what, I was going to get mad, but upon looking at this shoe, I now realize this isn't about me, this is about her childhood and everybody immediately started laughing yada yada yada and I just remember at the end of the show, the amount of people that came up to me basically saying that they didn't approve of what she did, all nervous that I was going to then go down to the lower east side in Manhattan and be like, those people up in the fucking east Harlem are crazy, everybody was concerned that I was going to do that, so it kind of took me to that fucking moment and I don't

know if you heard that shaking in the middle of it, my dog came in with the lovely Nia who hasn't been on the podcast forever, you want to come on the podcast? All right, well let me hit pause and I'll get you a mic, hang on a second, all right, so anyways, that was, I don't know, can you tell I hit pause and I don't even know where the fuck I am, the lovely Nia everybody, back at the, hey how's it going, it's nice to be here on a rainy Monday, I gotta tell you that weather is wacky out there, what's up with you there showbiz, put your slickers on and your rain boots, have you ever been to Houston? Yes, I have been to Houston actually.

Did you notice that there's no zoning laws out there? I did not notice. That is one of the ugliest cities I've ever been to, other than the downtown area, it is just an absolute cluster fuck and I understand now why people need to be in power and why people have to be controlled because if everybody just does whatever the fuck they want to do, just go to Houston, they'll be like a strip mall next to an old lady's house next to a skyscraper, they just have these skyscrapers in the middle of nowhere, it just, you know, all these little like, hey Tony's pizza just like in New York, every pizza is New York

pizza, I don't know why, but everybody claims to have it and then right next to it will be this towering building made all out of glass and then next to it will be just like an open lot, it's one of the ugliest things there. Were you listening to me or were you just, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no, but I was thinking about what you were saying about New York pizza and I, speaking to the mic please. No, I was going to say Boston doesn't do that, we have New York style pizza thing, but there is a place called New York Pizza, it's over by Emerson, my and your, I'm a modder, I was

going to say that Boston doesn't do that, we have New York style pizza thing because Boston pizza is amazing. The bar pizza is amazing. What do you mean the bar pizza? Dude I gotta tell you, New York pizza is really overrated just because the amount of people who fucking ride on the coattails of New York pizza is everybody, because I know the amount of people go to New York, dude I went to eat the pizza, it sucked, it's like, yeah, most of it does suck because they have a reputation, most of the bagels suck, a lot of the shit

there sucks because they have to know where to go, yeah, it's like Chicago style pizza, I went there and I was like, this stuff sucks, it's like eating a big giant piece of lasagna, I don't like it, and then people go, well where did you go, and I'm like, who knows, I went to Ed's touristy place right next to the airport that said authentic deep dish Chicago pizza, yeah, you gotta talk to the people at the hotel or something, well you know what's funny about the people listening to my podcast, I told these cunts that I'm trying not to drink on the road, hey, it's a term of endearment, it's a term of endearment, it's not, no, but it is, you didn't see the twinkle in my eye when I said it, no, you

actually look a little glazed over there, hey there, cunty peoples, walking down the street, no, I would think that they would, do you need some sort of blanket or, I don't know, what, not blanket but a pillow or something, we gotta get you set up better because you just, what, I lay on the floor and I do this, you look like a chiropractic nightmare right now, why, cause you need like a proper chair and a whole, this lying on the floor, I can't, I can't do it like, I can't fucking do my podcast sitting down, why, I don't know, it feels too fucking professional, I have to lay on the floor and be like, yeah, let me talk about Peyton Manning who's a fucking Hall of Famer and could beat the shit out

of me if he flexed his neck, let me talk shit about him, you used to do it in the bed in your underwear and now you do it in a new place in a basement in your sweatpants, slightly changed, slightly upgrading, what were you talking about, pizza, I don't know, you go with it now to consider and you wanted to take it in an entirely different direction, you want to talk about sexting and people cheating and text messages, sexting, this guy, I would kill to read the sexting between teenagers, do they really, do they really know where anything is, if I had to sext when I was 14, I want to put my hand where I think there's some stuff I've never seen, no, you know what, actually with all this free porn,

they probably, you know, they know exactly what they're saying, yeah, it's probably like eighth graders and he didn't even know where my G-spot was, that's what it is now, it's crazy, people, it's fucking crazy, that would be so sad to think of an eighth grade girl, alright, alright, alright, I tried to say it quickly, don't sit there and dwell on the actual details, that's what takes the funny out of it, when you actually really bring the reality of it, what is it that you do on stage every night, just talk about fantasies, you're talking about some real shit, baby, no, what it is, if you notice, one of the reasons why I talk so fast is you just, it's like running across the nice, you get right

across and then anybody says anything, you just yell shut the fuck up really loudly in your mind, I'm a bully, there's no, are you a bully, there's no talent here, what do I do to you around the house, please, shut it, no you don't, we do what I tell you, that's a big lie that you're trying to tell all you podcast people, what are you trying to get an Oprah applause break, why do all women have to do that, why do you have to come on my podcast and you gotta start shitting all over the place, Mark, you're fucking territory, you shut your mouth woman, and try to make me out, you bully me around the house, which is so not true, so, what do you talk, what don't I do, what don't I do that are exactly what I want to do, before you paint me,

before you ruin my reputation, let me finish, I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't you know, break down the veneer that you have projected of being like the man of the house, listen all those big words, he wants to do, when the reality is quite different, I'll just leave it at that, you see what they do, now there's a classic female thing there, this is what these broads do, you just said they used all your big fancy words, and then you act, let me finish, and then you acted as though there was gonna be this whole list of examples, and then the end you tried to sneak out the back door going, and I'm just gonna leave it at that, that's all I'm gonna say about that, and that would get you a fucking applause break on TV, it would, yeah,

yeah you think that would hold up in a court of law, I know a lot of people didn't think that that guy committed this murder, but let me just tell you, I know otherwise, and I'm just gonna leave it at that, defense rest, I mean prosecution rest, get the fuck out of here, I like how you're comparing our relationship dynamics to a murder trial, that's what I am doing, I was gone for fucking three days, oh the best three days of my life, I came home, I came home and I said woman, I'm going over my buddy's house to watch the football game, you like when did you pay attention to me, and I said screw you lady, I'll be back at the end of the game, that's exactly how it went down, I'll be back and cuddle you when I get home, that's right,

exactly, now Cleo has to come over, get out of here, get out of here with your fucking paintbrush tongue, come on, move out of the way baby, come on, go lay down, get over there, lay down there scrumptious, huh, oh nervous Nellie over there, oh my god what's gonna happen man, my last owner was a jerk, Cleo how long do we have to be nice to you before you realize that you're in heaven now, she's insecure, that's what that's what our trainer said, do you understand, she has self esteem issues, how LA do we see her dog, our dog is insecure, our life coach slash dog trainer brought that up, um so anyways let's talk about get the fucking dog out of here, beat it, I'm just doing it because I want people to be like you're so mean to that

dog and they don't realize that I lay down and spoon with her more than I do with you, he is obsessed with this dog, everyone needs to know, obsessed, just imagine, they have a love affair, if you had a friend who was always happy to see you and was covered in fur, that's cool, you wouldn't want to give that person a hug every once in a while, yes good girl, my problem is I go to the dog's energy, when that dog gets amped up I take it to the next level and next thing you know, I'm already predicting I'm gonna lose a front tooth to her fucking head, that would be hilarious, I'm sure you'd like that, sexting, sexting, all right, this isn't really, well this is about this guy, remember I told you that story about that dude, he worked for some

corporation, C.A. cubicles, all right, and I'm sure he's on some sort of team and everybody has to do some sort of song before they go in there, like those poor kids who work at them, morale building exercises, yeah, like those people who work at the Cold Stone Creamery, you ever see them with like making like the goddamn ice cream going hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work, that part of me dies when I see that, when I just see people like, it's like basically watching someone working like an ice cream death camp, when I'm in there, none of them are happy, none of them dreamed of doing that, ice cream death camp, maybe if you're like a fatty, you know, when you got a job at an ice cream store, kind of like a pedophile getting

a job at like a cub scout camp, wow, you know, isn't that where they always end up, I love working with kids, you know, I said that last week, follow your dreams unless you're a pedophile, yeah, right, so using that, I shouldn't say that I have a problem with faties working in the ice cream store, let's get to this shit, so anyways, so they're going to get everybody in shape, so they hire some sort of personal trainer and he's training everybody, all right, and what he does is he gets everybody's emails, right, great move on this guy's part, fucking great move, now he doesn't have to deal with them face to face, and if there's any fucking hotties he wants to bang, he can take it to the next level, perfect, that's how you do it, shooting fish in a fucking

barrel, or fishing barrels in a shooting gallery, so anyways, so all of a sudden this guy notices that, you know, he gets one text going, hey Brad, you know, just do a couple more jumping jacks, and you should be fine, for some reason his little hottie wife has to get like 40 fucking texts from this guy at like 1130 at night, oh I do remember this, yeah, he and his wife work at the same place, obviously, yeah, that's interesting, okay, work at the same place, right, so he fucking, he finds out about, he keeps asking his wife, I remember this, okay, all right, well I'm going to recap for people didn't listen last week, all right, so he keeps asking his, he keeps catching his wife late at night texting going, and he goes, who are you texting, and she would immediately slam the phone

shut, because she's got a flip phone, evidently, and would say nobody, or would get mad, and say nobody, right, so this guy's not a moron, he figures out something's up, sure, he's in, he's into some sort of fucking spy gate shit, where he's at, he hacks into her thing, gets her password, and sees that all these text messages, back and forth the trainer, so what does he do, he's a god damn man, does he slap his fucking wife around, no, he goes right to the trainer, and says, he slaps him around, and says, hey sport, no, because you get sued, you get sued for that now, you get sued for kicking somebody's ass when you're right, you go, he goes, hey sport, why don't you do me a favor, and stop texting my fucking wife in all hours of the night,

so then a sport over there immediately starts acting like a bitch around him, starts acting overly nice, like you know, what all guilty people do, he was innocent, he would have got mad, be like, dude what the fuck are you talking about, I always text people about how to get, make their core stronger at two in the morning, I'm dedicated, maybe should be inspired by what I'm doing, I specifically am interested in women having a strong core, because they're so beaten down in society, you know, he would have come back with some shit like that, but he didn't, now he's all like, hey man, how are you, with this hole, please don't beat the shit out of me, and expose me for being the dirtbag I am, so I lose this giant money-making client here, right,

so anyways, she denies the whole fucking thing, so he sent a couple of, actually a couple of texts that this girl wrote, they were talking about the Beatles, and he writes, all those damn Beatles songs make my stomach hurt when I listen to them, because it reminds me of getting ready to go see you, they give me anxiety, this is what the trainer is writing to this guy's wife, now what sort of exercise are they talking about there, is that, what is that, is that push-ups, so then she writes back, all the lonely people, where do they all belong, oh god, right, and then he said, I remember you asking me if I related to that song, if I related that song to you, because I thought you were lonely, it's talking about a fucking

marriage, yeah, oh this guy, this guy's a dirtbag, I love him, it's the classic he listens to me, yeah, oh this guy, he's just saying everything, he listens to me, we talk about music, yeah, my feelings, oh yeah, my husband doesn't do that, right, and what it is, is his dick is is downloading all the knowledge in this guy's brain that he has about human beings, and he's just giving her, and the dick is just, is basically sitting in the Captain Kirk chair, he's just fucking, anything she wants to hear, so anyways, then he writes, another one he said, I know, fuck my life, I wear my fuck my life to sleep, and I have a confession to make, I also wear your panties, she goes, LOL, shut up, he writes, it's true,

so, I don't know what kind of fucking shit this guy's into, but the real question is, not whether or not that that's socially acceptable, the real question is, how did he get this married woman's panties, he at least finger blaster, would you go with me on that, I mean, if, I mean, maybe he's just saying that to be just like controversial, that's what I thought, but she goes, LOL, shut up, he goes, it's true, yeah, but he just still may be joking, are you talking to the mic, oh, he may just still be joking around, but if he is wearing, but if he is, she gave it to him, how else would he have him, and they're talking about the Beatles and shit, she gave it to him, if it's true, okay, okay, so, well, that's basically what I'm saying,

so, he's fucking, he's got a fucking panties, they're both adults, I'm guessing by this, she's like in her 30s, what is he doing, fingering her and taking her out for a malt, he's banging her, he fucking banged her, this fucking piece of shit, who'd be a great movie, kid, he's a great character for a fucking movie, so anyways, he said, and that's what he said, his wife, she's still denying this whole conversation ever happened, she's just incomplete, obviously, denial, she's in denial, he said, I'm dumping her, not for the reminiscing talk, but for lying to me, he's not interested in trying to, please say that, Nia, and I swear to God, I'm gonna throw my computer at you, I will throw this fucking computer at you,

are you fucking, he's not interested in what? I don't know, working it out, don't throw it at me, no, no, no, go ahead, I'm just gonna leave you in dead silence, go ahead, tell me, no, no, no, no, no, I just, I don't know, no, he's well within his right, I was just posing a question, that's all, well within his right, I don't understand why she, it doesn't just fess up then, that's a whole nother topic, it's a whole nother topic, I just feel like, no, you know what it is, I feel like some things, I feel like part of the story is missing, no, I feel like part of the story is missing or something. What, the video of them fucking? Is that what's missing? What else is missing? Nia, if you start blaming him for not

paying attention and that's why she's fucking this guy, I will fucking throw you out of this room, alright. No, no, no, I'm not to, calm down, that's not what I'm doing, I'm just saying, so he says to her, are you cheating on her, are you fucking this guy, and she's like, no, shut up, what are you talking about, like, and she just flat out denied, I don't understand how she can flat out deny something as hard for the text. Cause she's a piece of shit, that's why I'm saying, cause she's a lying piece of shit, Nia. Yeah, but if you have something and you're like looking at it, like this is what you wrote, how are you denying it? Because she just, that's what denial is, you're totally in denial, I don't have a drinking problem, is you fucking drinking Nyquil,

I think it tastes good, I don't have a problem, I like sleeping, you know? Yeah, you know what it is, I'm just making sure you keep speaking to the mic, this is what you keep telling me, I want people to hear what you have to say. Oh, okay, alright, alright. But this is good shit. And I'm ruining it? No, you're saying it off, Mike, good fucking lord, you know what kills me is she was still like, it's just, I don't know, I'm gonna piss you off right now, you ladies will defend each other, like right there, if a guy did that, I'm not defending her, well, let me, can I get up my what I'm gonna say, if a guy did that shit, you'd be like dump his ass, girl, he's a fucking loser, you can do better than that, call me, we'll eat a

little moon pie, I'll build you up, that's what the fuck you would have done. But because, yeah, I just feel like some part of the story is missing. What is missing? I guess nothing. Thank you, Nia. Thank you for being on the podcast. Yeah, is that what you wanted? You just want me to come on and agree with you? A good fucking 20 minutes. Yeah, not agree with me, agree with the decision this guy made. This isn't about me, Nia. Please. Okay, I'm just a messenger here. Sure. You know, I'm just trying to do, I'm just trying to do what's right. Because it's very clear what's happening. And you got someone who's just like, I don't know what you're talking about. All right, here's the deal. Man or woman. If the person you're with is texting,

past, I would even for regular people who aren't in show business, the booty hour starts after 11, I would say, after 11. Yeah. Okay, but that's, but that's what somebody you're already fucking. Okay. I know you don't understand it, because you don't have to talk yourself into it. Guys, we have to spin the plates from the second we meet her all the way through. So you got to be setting it up. Okay, you know, 730 is too creepy and stalker ish. And I would say you start going past 930. She's gonna feel like like you just she's some sort of tramp. But if you haven't fucked her yet, right? So you got to use that there's that window, about 815 to about 907. You have to do the setup text. Okay. And the setup text is not talking about

pussy. It's go, Oh, you know, I'm watching blah, blah, blah on TV. So and so is so ridiculous. Some sort of fucking just to get it going. You know what I mean? Right? So that seems very benign. Yeah, like a boxer, you feel him out in the first round or the Beatles. Yeah, you don't load it up, right? You're feeling it up. Yeah, that's what they're doing. Right. This fucking guy, this fucking guy, this guy, you know, something as much as a piece of shit is that that guy is, if he writes a book, I would read it in a second. Why? Because you know, he's got great. I mean, the position he has, that's like when I used to take I used to take that that yoga class when I was out here. And there was that guy out in Santa Monica and he was a phenomenal fucking teacher.

And this place was jam packed. And it was by donation only. So then for tax purposes, I think he falls under a church. I know it helped him with taxes and it's all in cash. So it's all good. All right. And then the hottest fucking women, some of the hottest women ever move out to LA to become actresses. Okay, he's got him in his class getting all getting them all stretched out before he bangs them. It was one of the greatest. It was it was fucking airtight. Yeah, and he would go around the class and somehow me having never touched my toes since I was in the womb was somehow always doing every position correctly. Yet all these other hotties always needed to be adjusted. Yeah, right around the so as so I don't get mad at a guy who's got a good thing. But you know,

stay away from the fucking married ladies. Yes. Anyways, isn't that right, Clio? Here we go. I bought the wrong dog dog food. Look how fat she's getting. I usually feed her this diet stuff. She looks like a prize winning pig right now. She's not that big, actually. She's just bloated. She's a few pounds heavier than normal. But she is still looks good. Yeah, the brothers would be saying what's up to her. Number one, hey, here's advice for the week. All right. Hey, Bill, I'm a 21 year old guy who still lives with his parents. That's not bad in this economy. That's totally acceptable. I have unless you're sitting at home and you're jerking off the porn and maxing out your credit cards. And that's a dumb

thing to do. Hey, you know what? No porn for this year. I have yet to watch porno this year. Well, still early. And Jesus, is that support? Does that support everybody? Why do you need me to support you not watching porn? I don't have a problem if you watch porn. You know what? Somebody sent me an article. I got to hit pause again because I'm going to find this. Somebody sent me an article about how watching too much online porn, how it's not healthy for you and can actually add to depression. If I can say that word. I feel like it probably gives you like a higher expectation of what your sex life should be, but you know, because we're not all points back to what you feel should be going on in your life in a moment. Let me just, I feel

like he should be able to pick me up over his head and turn me upside down and do things to me. Is that unreasonable with my back problems? Hang on a second. Hang on a second. You know what? Sorry to say I can't find that fucking email that dude sent me and all I found was a bunch of people trashing that online porn is not addictive and saying that it isn't bad for you, but I don't know. It's just, you know, it depends on your personality. Yeah. It's one of those deals. Why don't you put the microphone over your shoulder? You're listening to that playing with you. Sorry. You know what? I'm going to, I'm going to fuck it. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to get a desk down here with two fucking chairs. So the mic will be, you know,

yeah, right there. Okay. Okay. All right. We want to work on it. Okay. All right. I feel like you have something to contribute and I just don't feel like people are hearing you. So I did that people compliment her. I stroked her ego so she can do it. Thank you. That's the high I was looking for. I just want people to know that I'm here. I have not watched porn this whole sometime in the end of December, I watched something and it was so disgusting that when I was done, I actually burst it out laughing as if I just watched Bridesmaid. It was just, and I was just like, what is wrong with me? Like I actually got to that point in porn where the porn was so fucked up. It was just funny to me. Not that the people were doing it. Just, it was just something pathetic.

And I was like, you know, I got to walk away from this. Hey, last year I didn't drink this year. I'm swearing off the porn. Okay. See that? All right. I'm always trying to become a better person. And what do you do? Constantly shit all over me. By the way, you got a couple of shoutouts in Houston. Oh, did I? Yep. When I brought out the podcast. Yay. I said, I was with a wonderful lady. What's up, people yelled Nia. And then one of your friends texted you and said, oh, you got a couple of shoutouts. So then when you brought it up in the car, I was like, you were like, what does that mean? What does that mean? I got like shout out. Like you don't know what a shout out is. I didn't. Yeah, you did. You wanted to hear what people said. What did they say?

Were they chanting my name? That's going to be the end of us, Nia. When people start liking you more than me and then we're going to break up like Sonny and share, but still perform together for a little bit. If we break up, your fans are going to hate me. I just know it already because they because they're already going to be on your side. They're just going to automatically take all the fun out of it. Because that's what they do. They like you first and I'm always going to be second fiddle. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. I don't blame them. All right. Number one, numero uno, ahora. Hey, Bill, I'm a 21 year old guy who still lives with his parents. I have a history of being very introverted. Oh my God. If you start saying that you torture small animals, I'm going to stop

reading this. I've been that way ever since I was in junior high. Well, what were you in elementary school? Were you going all out? No, because I would have related to that. I'm in college now and I've become more social, at least when I'm on campus and at my job. But I'm having a really hard time building a life for myself outside of those arenas. Did I write this to myself 20 years ago? Totally relate to this guy. I don't really have much of a life. I'm really bored most of the time and I feel like I'm wasting my youth. All right. I know that I have to go out more and hang out with my friends. It's up to me to take some kind of initiative. Cleo, for fuck's sakes, get out of my face. And if it was up to me, I would, I totally would. I live with my parents, though,

and that's why it's kind of tricky. My parents are very into the Lord. Oh, Jesus. I don't really share their beliefs. Good for you. And so when I want to go out, the evening usually includes a variety of activities that my parents would give me a hard time about. Normal stuff such as drinking, a little weed man, and secretion of the semen. Oh God. Okay. Wait a minute. You're drinking, you're smoking weed, you're getting laid. What's the problem? The problem is you live with your parents. No, does he want to do that and he doesn't? Or he's saying. No, he's saying he goes out and he does this shit and his parents are giving him a hard time. So he's doing this. Maybe he's getting guilt. Why don't I read the rest of it? I know that I'm a young adult and I'm old enough to make

my own decisions. A lot of my own decisions, he says. I just don't have the strength of character to look my parents in the eye and have a discussion about all this stuff with them. I especially have the problem with my mom. She was raised religious and has very different idea about being 21 than I do. I just don't feel like she would understand if I try to have a conversation with her about my thoughts. I wish I could just come and go as I pleased without being bothered. I have a car, but I can't avoid the questions about where I've been. I know that my personal life is my business and I don't share all of it, but they don't seem to understand that. On top of all this, I'm getting to church every week and I'd rather fuck my own ass than go to one more church service. All right,

dude, you gotta move out. Yeah, you gotta move out. But yeah, I feel trapped. I want to move out. There it is. But I have no money and doing my job selling burgers isn't going to pay the rent in any place. I know. I'm not sure what to do. Please, for the love of God, rescue me. Oh, Jesus. Rescue yourself. Yes, rescue yourself. You're 21. You're still working your way through college, right? Yeah, you gotta get on a track where you're going to get some sort of better-paying job. Exactly. Get a better-paying job. Find a roommate situation because you're not going to be able to afford a place by yourself. Why don't you take some student loans? Take out some student loans, you know, which is a bad fucking idea because then you'll be even further in debt.

Yeah, but there's a way to do it. Yeah, why can't you live on campus? All right, how should he do it? Because I don't have anything. Well, you know what though? He's probably not living on campus because maybe his parents can't afford it. So that's why he's living at home. They can't afford that part of the education. Either that or they don't believe that they should live there because of all the sinners he'd be with. Exposed to, yeah. The devil is in that quad. No, he's gotta work his ass off. You need to get another job. You gotta find a roommate situation. Save up your money. Get a car with a bench seat. Do all your fucking in there and then come home and just always have library books that you're

walking in with and just live a lie until you have the money to move out. You don't have to necessarily talk to your parents about anything in particular unless they're doing something that's really abusive to you or something. You don't have to talk to them about your life. It's your life. Yeah, try sarcasm. What'd you do tonight? Smoke crack and got a hooker. Good night, Mom. Exactly. Then she'll be praying the rest of the night and she'll leave you alone. No, but you gotta make some sacrifices so you can save some money, get an apartment with a roommate and live your own life. He's slipping burgers though. How can he do that? This is like a guy who's on the verge of selling drugs. Isn't that what they always say? What do I do? Sell burgers?

I need to make some money. Well, I don't know. You know what? I'm not gonna put this into there. His ghetto was his parents' house. Yeah. Get another job. Ask for a raise. You gotta figure it out, but I think you're also becoming a little bit complacent because you don't have to pay bills and your parents buy your food for you and all that other stuff. So I think there might be a little hesitation on your part to really fully leave. Get a car with a bench seat. That's all I'm saying. What is a bench seat in a car? What is a bench seat? It doesn't have like the little console. It's not bucket seats. It's one of those ones back in the day. Yeah, you could fucking cars. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about. You could never do that now. Yeah, the bench

seat like my truck has. Yes, it does. Have you told them about your truck? No, I didn't. I bought an old Ford truck and it's got a 360 V8, shifts three on the tree and I'm getting some new headers put on it because you could light my breath on fire. I would drive it like Ace Ventura down the street because everybody kept telling you, no, your headers look fine. I'm like, dude, I'm telling you you could light my breath on fire if I drive this thing for 45 fucking minutes because they would drive around the block and be like, dude, it's fine. And you couldn't see anything really come at least our untrained eyes. So I get it back today. Yes, you do. Getting back to getting back to this whole scenario here, you need to stop having your little pity party there and pick

yourself up by your bootstraps. Get your shit together. No more of this. I'm awkward. I don't have friends. I don't understand. Start reaching out to some people. Figure out what to do about a job. Save your pennies. Get a car with a bench seat and do what you want to do and move your ass out. Figure it out. Start talking to people. Maybe someone's looking for a roommate and they're like, Hey, you know, only a couple hundred bucks. I'll let you sleep on my couch. That's it. All right. Number two asshole. Well, you just kept saying the same thing over and over. Look at how serious about what's going on. All right, dear Bill, I need some advice. I'm 30 years old and I've been seeing this lady for the past four months and things have been getting,

they've gotten pretty serious. I'm already having dinner at her parents' house frequently. Oh, Jesus, going to her family parties. Oh, Jesus, spending the holidays together. Jesus Christ. I'm practically part of the family already ready to use her father's words and to be honest, I'm cool with it. I love this girl. She's great. All right. So what's the problem? So, so great. In fact, we decided to do New York New Year's in Palm Beach together at her cousin's place. Now he finally writes. Oh, Jesus. All right. Now what's going to happen? See, I like some of these, these, these letters that they set him up like a great movie. Like he set this up like this is perfect. This is like a Norman Rockwell parent. Yeah, the parent parent painting. Everything's

going great. Now all of a sudden, he's going to New Year's in Palm Beach together at a cousin's place. Why? What could possibly go wrong? This is this is very well written. This guy gets a star. Anyway, so we go out the night before New Year's. There's a whole group of us. And I head off to take a piss. I come back and see my girl dancing and making out with some other guy who wasn't a member of our group. Oh, well, who gives a shit even if he was a member of the group? It's another guy. I'm obviously flummoxed. This educated son of a bitch. I decided to interrupt their little make out session on the dance floor. It would have continued unabated if I hadn't stepped in. So I pushed the guy aside, hand her back or purse. Yes, I was carrying her purse for her.

It fit into my back pocket in case you're wondering. I was wondering. And I leave the bar. The bar is called the Cusina. Yeah, kitchen, right? Right? I think so. Yeah. I am a little Spanish right there. I am outside just beside myself with anger. And she doesn't follow me out. I go back to her cousin's place and go to bed around 3am. The texts come in. Nothing happened. I didn't do anything, etc. She finally cops to it. And just in her defense, she says, I'm just not used to having a boyfriend. And I don't think you know how drunk I was. So happy New Year's. This was in a text message? No, no, no, no. Oh, no, when she when she showed up to him, she says, she finally just said, look, she, yeah, fine, I fuck the guy. I'm just not used to having a boyfriend. Okay. And I don't

think you realize how drunk I was. Wow. Yes. See. And you can be that honest. You know what I mean? I could never be that honest with you because you could throw a vase at me. And then the cops would arrest me for breaking the vase with my forehead. Anyways, he goes, he goes, should I chalk this up to a dumb drunk mistake and patch things up? No, I've been I'm having trouble being objective about this. This has really got me fucked up and hurting. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that was that was a ridiculous level of acting out. Yeah, on her part. That's that's that's crazy. That is absolutely so wacky stuff. That's wacky. That's some real wacky stuff. No, she made out with a guy right in front of you. He knows what are you talking about? He knows he knows he's supposed he's

fucking stunned. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That's pretty stunning. We're in the goddamn trauma unit right now. And you're going you stepped on a landmine. Yeah. Move on sweetheart. Yeah. No, that is retain some dignity and walk away. You basically just imagine if you discovered that 17 years in married with four kids that half look like you and half look like this should have been stripper. All right. You dodged a bullet. And yeah, it's gonna hurt. And that's really what that really is dude is aside from your feelings that you're fucking manhood being hurt right there because you don't have to let me finish for fuck's sake. As a guy that that shit's not supposed to happen, right? Because you're supposed to put it on them. And they're supposed to be mesmerized

by your dick. And the reality is, is that's not what it's like. And when you discovered that that's that's a tough day. Yeah, you don't have to look at it. And then you never trust those broads again. You never trust them again. That's the safest place you could be. No, number three. But don't look at it. Last Saturday was a shitty horrible thing that happened and you should be feeling all those feelings including anger. So but just walk away. It's what he should do is just walk away. Although I would be tempted to pull a female move and get some revenge. And I would tell her dad, you know, what you know what a slut you raise, you know what a slut you're in love with. That's half your DNA. Did she get that from your fucking wife?

No, no, no, no. No, yeah, don't do that. No, no, because then he'll look like an asshole. And then he'll understand why she did it. I'm trying to inflict the most pain here. Now walk away. I don't do revenge. Don't do that shit. All right, number three. Last Saturday, let's say, say, as they say in Boston, say, one over one fucking say. There's no consonants in that word. Thursday, Friday, say, I always do that with previty. Say, unless say, I was out with my friends and I was shitfaced. We were at a bar and I was sitting at a table when I saw the girl saw the girl. She was absolutely beautiful. I don't know why, but something told me I had to go up to that girl. See, they always start fucking phenomenal.

The sun was out. Jesus was walking on the clouds. She saw me looking at her and I get her a and I give her a wink when she smiled at me. Jesus, you went with that? Did you give her the double point too? I then tried, I then turned to my friends and said loudly, give me a fucking pen. Oh, Jesus. Is he drunk? Give me a fucking pen. They gave me a pen and I wrote my number on a napkin and went over to her and her friend. I slapped a napkin. This guy's, I love this guy. This guy's got, you're wearing a scarf too. This guy's like the most interesting man in the world. I love him. He's wrestling a badger in the corner. Hang on a second. Give me a pen. He goes, I slapped a napkin on the table and went to her, went to her ear and said, I don't drink often, but I think you are

fucking beautiful and walked away. What? No, he's hammered. This is fucking hilarious. I totally missed the joke in this. This guy is completely fucking hammered. Right. So he's sitting there head bobbling. I don't drink often. I think you're fucking beautiful. Call this number. It's gonna change your life, sweetheart. Oh, I love this guy. So anyways, being shit face, I didn't know any better. And I guess I went to the table and put my head, what? I went to the table and put my head was down at that point, according to my friends. She wanted to know what my name was and stuff. So my friends went over and talked to her and talked me up. Before she left, she came up to me. This guy's still in the game here and told me her and her friends were leaving to go to a

different bar. I asked her her name. We talked a little bit and she left with her friends. I told her, please text me three, four days past and I hadn't heard anything. I couldn't get her out of my head. She was seriously the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Yeah, after drinking a 12 pack of Keystone. I was gonna say. And there was something about her. I know I was shit face, but I have never felt that way. I looked online for her on Facebook. The other person she was with had gone to high school with. We weren't friends, but we knew each other. I found the girl on her friend list. There we go. I know that is creepy, but I want to message her and tell her I'm sorry for being so drunk, but I really want to talk to her. I feel she wouldn't have come up to me before she

left and my friends and asked my friends my name if she wasn't somehow somewhat intrigued. I don't think that's creepy. Nowadays, the old school, when I grew up, that's not creepy. I think if you just say, listen, I'm sorry I was so drunk the other night. I really meant what I said and I'm sure this freaks you out. I don't even say freaking out, like not trying to invade your privacy. I just wanted to say I meant those things that I said. Respectfully yours. Here's my phone number, my address, and just leave it at that. I'll leave it at that. There you go. No more communication after that because then you're venturing into weird things. What time we got on the podcast here? 10219. All right. We're getting close to the end here. We got overrated and underrated.

With that also, I want to remind everybody that Amazon, things been working out for me. It's a good thing. I don't have to charge for the podcast. This is basically what I'm telling people. If you're going to buy something on Amazon rather than going directly to amazon.com, go to billbird.com. Click on podcast and on the right hand side, you'll see just under the iTunes link, you'll see the Amazon window. You just click on that and I will get credit for driving traffic to amazon.com. You don't have to hit anything else after that. I'm not telling you to buy anything. I'm just saying if you're going to, and you're going to go to Amazon, just please go to billbird.com first. Even if you're just going to browse, even if you're just going to browse for something.

I don't know if it works that way. They got to spend money. Oh, they do? Yeah. It's like I'm driving driving people to a drug dealer. If you're just going to look at the cocaine, can I just sniff it for a second? And then no, they need to make their money. Sniff it for a second. Even if you're just going to browse, if you just want to see what they're doing with their website, yeah, that's it. It's a great way to donate to the podcast. Like I said, 10% of all donations will then go on to the Wounded Warriors Project. So you support this podcast, you support the troops. America. America. That's right. By shit, you donate, support the troops. It's all right there. Couple of clicks in the mouse. So there you go. Overrated, underrated for this week.

Underrated. The feeling of knowing you're leaving a job and ceasing to give a flying fuckeroo from the time you are offered another job until the time you put in your two weeks notice and finally through those last two weeks and finally going through those last two weeks. Hear me out. This is an amazing feeling. For some reason I got a feeling he's not going to leave like the way the Patriots, the way Drew Bledsoe left the Patriots where he was a total class act and should have been co-MVP, a Super Bowl 36. All right, here we go. I was offered a better paying job last week at another company, but have yet to give. Oh, this guy already got offered a better job by another company. He's yet to give his two weeks notice at his current job because I am

due my yearly bonus this coming Tuesday. I don't want to jeopardize my current company not paying the bonus. So I'm holding out until this coming Wednesday to give my two weeks after I collect the bonus. Yeah, they can't take it back. Oh, that's a little dirty. It's dirty. That's a little dirty. No, no, it's good. But that's one of the I mean, what he's getting compared to the people at the top are getting is probably you can't even compare it. So but the people at the top also gave him a fucking job. That's that's one of those things like you're dating somebody and then you find who you really want to be with. So you fucking propose to them, you got the wedding all set. And as the invitation goes out, you go, Oh, by the way, that's over. And I'm out of here.

No, no, no, I know. In somewhere in there, you go into that piggy bank and take money. Well, look, I understand what he's doing. But that's a that's one of those things where because you don't know how this next job is going to go. So this next job doesn't go well. And then he needs the recommendation of these last people, they're going to knock it down. If you mean that fucking guy, the bonus. I didn't think about that. He's leaving this place a little on bad terms. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, he's going Albert Hainesworth here rather than Drew, Drew Bledsoe. That's all I'm saying. All right. Take that risk, I guess. But no, I didn't think of it that way. Little Hainesworth here. Yes.

Overrated, overrated cookies. What unless they're straight out of the oven. Oh, they're dry. And everyone wants to make oatmeal cookies at some point. You know, that's funny. I actually had in my dressing room, Nini, did I mention I'm in show business? They had a plate of cookies, and you know me, I got a sweet tooth, right? Because I'm half of they had this plate of cookies, and I ate the first one. It was it was terrible. But knowing you, you kept eating them cookies. And there was four different kinds. I'm like, what are the odds there's going to be two different flavors of cookies, and they're both going to be bad. God damn it. You're so funny about that stuff. Yeah, that's ridiculous. I would

eat a fucking Jim Danny. Keep going and keep going. I would eat a Jim Dandy's with a group of old ladies every day at Friendly's if they would have me. That's for the older guys who used to go to Friendly's. I know Friendly's. Yeah, but do you know the Jim Dandy? No. The Jim Dandy came in a fucking glass, like those old light beer from Miller commercials, where it was basically, you go, let me get a glass of beer, and they basically were pouring like at least two beers into the thing. Just imagine a goblet, I believe it's called. Friendly's served alcohol? No, I'm talking about the vase that they would stick this Sunday in. Oh, I think I went to, no, no, who was I with? I was working with somebody recently, and we went into a, I would stop at

Friendly's when I'm back east. It's just DeAngelo's, all those places I ate when I was a kid. So I fucking went in there and I was laughing because I saw they still had the Jim Dandy, and I just read the ingredients. Cleo, can you, okay. I just read, my dog has her head on my stomach right now. She just wants to snuggle. I fucking read the ingredients, and it was the most ridiculous thing. It was like three different kinds of ice cream, like full scoops, a full fucking banana, you know, like half a bottle. It was disgusting. It was like doing a keg stand with like ice cream, and trying to set the fraternity record. Anyways, I'm trying to say I have a sweet tooth, and this fucking dog is distracting me. Cleo, I want you to know we're wrestling after this.

We're going round and fucking round. All right, underrated. This is the last thing, animatronics, puppets, makeup, etc. I remember the days when the cool, scary monster was handmade by extremely talented artists and technicians, not software. These creations appear much more believable and frightening over the comparatively lazy CGI. Stuff like Alien, The Thing, Hellraiser, Poltergeist, Jaws, and countless other examples are all genuinely freak me out growing up. I mean, what compares to Jaws these days? Shark Knight 3D, fucking get real. Fucking get real, man. All right, that's the podcast. I know what he's saying, but he's right. Old school versus a new school. They don't make them like they used to, etc.

Yeah. One of my favorite shots is that slow motion one of that crazy lady who's on the ice skates with the fucking hatchet. Do you ever see that? What are you talking about? I've talked about this in my podcast before. There was some horror movie I watched on Showtime or Cinemax a long time ago, and two in the morning I'm watching this, and this lady was skating on a pond, and all of a sudden they just start showing the skates of this murderer. They had this fucked up mask and this long hair. It was skating in slow motion, and then just fucking put his hands up and had like a tomahawk.

Somebody find that horror film and send us a clip from YouTube or something. I'll get it. I'll try and get it up. I'll look up on YouTube, psycho, whore, bitch, ice skates, hatchet, search. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Please go to amazon.com through my website, billbird.com. Click on the podcast. Click on Amazon. Go buy yourself some shit you don't need. Help me out and help out. More importantly, 10% go into the Wounded Warriors project. That's the podcast for this week. Hey everybody, how about that NFL Pro Bowl that they now fucked up by sticking in between the championship games in the Super Bowl?

So no one who's in the Super Bowl actually plays. We're going to that. Next year we're going to the Pro Bowl. We are? Wait, you don't like sports. I'm going to Hawaii by myself. That's it everybody. Have a great time. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. I'll talk to you next week.