Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-17

Episode Date: January 23, 2017

Bill rambles about Madonna, NFL Football and writing poetry.

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Oh yeah! Oh man, what a weekend Holy Toledo Holy Dayton Holy Sydney Holy Cincinnati Holy Cleveland What a fucking weekend I had

Good Lord, first of all I sat there with an Afghan and some Kleenex and watched the entire women's march And I have to say I was so moved No, I'll be honest with you, I haven't watched the second of it The reason I'm bringing it up is because like 50,000 people on Twitter are like Dude, I can't wait to hear you take on the women's march I didn't fucking watch it

I cannot, I can't, I can't Did I ever tell you guys how much I believe in protesting but how much I cannot watch it I'm always let down, I'm always disappointed It's always just a bunch of bad chants Like I watched the Madonna speech thing, I did do that Just because I, you know I relate to Madonna

Like her, I also stayed at the party too long You know, I became the old creepy person still at the club I did it, I've done it I totally get it She's fucking brilliant man, she goes there, right? She knows she has all these eyeballs on her So she's done this her entire career This is how you stay relevant

All right, long after People give a fuck This is how you stay in this, she goes in She just doesn't give a speech I mean how easy would it have been to give the speech Without dropping the F word Right But if you do that, you're not gonna get any free press

So she throws a couple of F bombs in there God knows I know how that works I made a lot of money off that word Good for you, Maj, right? But that's not gonna be enough Because she's thinking probably in her head You know, I already kind of did the drop in the F bomb thing On the Letterman interview like 20 years ago

Critics will be like, oh more the same from Madonna Blah, blah, blah, I need to take this to a new level What does she do? Threatens to blow up the White House You know, I got it about blowing up the White House Did you, did you really think that? You thought about doing that Madonna How did you think, exactly how were you going to

Execute this plan? Were you gonna put on a wily coyote suit And fucking climb the fence? With your little thing of dynamite going around You know, you're backing up with the fucking wire Madonna, oh I thought of did you You didn't think about that You just know if you say some shit like that

It becomes an issue of national security No matter who the fuck says it So there you go, now you get Fox News going like Should we consider this a terrorist threat? Right? Classic And then what does she do? What is the cherry on top?

She sings one of her hit songs From all those women How much fucking money do you think she made? Are you with me? I said are you with me? Do you believe in love? This was off my fourth album I believe my first debut

On the Blonde Ambition tour Goes a little something like this Give me a dollar baby You can download this on iTunes You know, you know Give me a fucking break Everybody up there with their fucking I don't know

I couldn't watch it Like I had to watch some Madonna thing Because when I heard she did that I was like this woman, she's fucking brilliant That woman is she is show biz 24-7 That's why she's still around She did that She should have got booed when she started singing that song

People should have been like Is this bitch fucking Trying to get 99 cents off of me? I don't know But that's the only thing I watched It was like five minutes Well actually I watched her speech And then I was like

Well I got to hear the song she sings And it was fucking perfect man You know, I love that she sang The Lady Gaga song Anyways And of course underneath all of those There was like, you know Some 17 minute speech from Michael Moore

That's shameless Better sit out there trolling for pussy You know, playing the under I understand card I really hate how he dresses Like John Goodman when he was on Roseanne You know, he's always walking around With his big dumb fucking

I just got done working on Assembling cars That fucking hat he wears There's no fucking way I can't sit through that fucking I can't sit through any of it And the stupid chance And we're gonna do this

And we're gonna do that And you just wanna be like You're not, you're not You're all gonna go home You're all gonna get 50,000 different fucking cars And that's gonna be the end of it You're all gonna get to say That you were there

And you put your fucking fist in the air I know this is cynical as shit But I mean, Trump did the same thing Did he not? His acceptance speech Something else I barely saw any of I just watched the clips When it comes to

Like all of this type of shit I just watched the highlights Like if you never watched sports And all you did was just watch sports center You know what I mean? But you never watched the game That's basically how I watched the shit Trump did the exact same thing

He's sitting up there going Hey, these, these crap politicians They're not there for you They're there for themselves Well, guess what? It stops now How, Donald? How does it stop now?

He sounded like a fucking Some loud drunk in a bar Dude, you know what I would do If I was running stuff I'd kick them all out Anybody takes a dime They're fucking out of you I mean, it sounded like

Did he just rent the untouchables? It was like Kevin Costner's fucking Speech in that movie Like what, you're the president This is what I'm worried about that guy I'm worried about that guy Cause he thinks being president Is like he just bought an old casino

And he's gonna go in And get all the people that were fucking You know, loafing around He's gonna fire them And then replace them with It's like, you can't get rid of these How are you gonna get rid of these people? How are you gonna prove

That they're doing what you're saying You would have to expose them All of them Both the blue ties and the red ties The red bras and the blue bras, right? They're all gonna collectively get together And be like, this guy's gonna make us all Look like fucking scumbags

We're just not gonna work with that It was just a bunch of shit You're not gonna do that That's not how that town works You're not the boss You can't go, you're fired You have to run shit by people And then they're gonna be cunts

Democrats are already gonna be a cunt to you Because you wear a red tie And they're gonna do the exact same shit The Republicans did to Obama They're not gonna work with him Because you wear a different colored tie You're gonna come in And you're gonna give some tough speech

He should have been standing there Holding like a piece of a 2x4 It was very... You know when you're watching a movie And you're enjoying a movie And then all of a sudden they just remind you That, oh, this is just a fucking movie Because you go, you know, that would never happen

That's what that speech looked like to me But I didn't see it I didn't see that either Or I just watched the highlights So you probably say, well, Bill Why didn't you see anything this weekend? You know why? Because I had something a little more important

In my life that happened Okay? I had to watch the New England Patriots Win the AFC Championship game There was a battle this weekend, people And I don't mean women And people without voices Standing in the rain

Wearing berets Or a prisoner jumpsuit Whatever the fuck Somebody was wearing on that thing You know what's funny about my daughter's speech Is the amount of people milling around In the background, not even listening Smiling, you listen for a couple seconds

You throw your hand in the air And then you just go fucking schmooze With somebody else It was a big fucking Hollywood party And I can say that Because I watched three minutes of it There was another battle going on here, people And this isn't...

By the way, this isn't like an anti-Trump thing This isn't an anti-woman thing It's just one of those things of like What the fuck is everybody getting so excited about? Are you ready? I said, are you ready? And they're all going, yes And it's like, for what?

What are we doing? Where are we going? What's going to happen? We're going to walk up there We're going to chant some shit Okay? If they walked up Let's say they walked up to the White House

Because I don't know where they went Let's say they all start chanting Okay? Donald Trump is in there, okay? First of all, me as a civilian Okay? I can go to a Best Buy And I can get a pair of those Bose

Noise-canceling headphones And I can press a button And I can't even hear a fucking jet engine That I'm on Or the guy talking too loud on his cell phone I can just press that fucking thing And it's over, okay? And I'm just a citizen

Can you imagine the pair of Bose fucking headphones That you get handed when you become president? So you don't have to hear the chanting Of the disenfranchised, right? I bet you can't even see them You know, they fit right underneath this two- Not the two-pay part The part that's still real

The Ben Franklin part of his fucking hairdo, right? Probably just sticks him in his ear You know, are the ladies there? You probably just sat there, right? Just with his binoculars on You know, rubbing himself As he's looking out the window I'm sorry

All right Oh, God, when did I become such a cynic? You know what? I don't know I like to think it's life experience But what are you gonna do? What are we gonna do? What do we want?

What's gonna happen? Nothing! Because we all have to leave We all gotta go to work tomorrow We have to go to work, baby You know what's funny about Madonna Showing up to this one It's like, don't you live in England?

Why the fuck didn't you go to that rally? I wanted to blow up the fucking White House Oh, yeah? Can I see your passport, please? Did you go through customs first there? Oh, Jesus Staying at the party Staying at the club

Too fucking long What I'm doing is I'm challenging the images of what is accepted No, you're not You're not challenging anything If she was a guy She'd be that guy at the Christmas party You know those guys who put the tie around their head

And it becomes like This is their big rebellion That's what she'd be that person With the fucking mantits You know, saying wildly inappropriate things To some fucking intern Just walks into work on Monday Just has to not look at anybody

And just close the door to his office And be like, oh, God, how long? How long do I have to just feel the shame Of my behavior last Saturday night? Anyways, there was another battle going on It was the battle between the city of Boston And the city of Pittsburgh I don't know, with all the screaming

And yelling this fucking weekend I don't know if anybody noticed that Yesterday in the sporting world The world that you can actually trust Well, they do give a lot of speeches A lot of locker room speeches And everybody actually is on the same team And then they all go out together

And they try to achieve a goal The Boston Bruins and the Pittsburgh Penguins Played each other on the same day That the New England Patriots In the Pittsburgh Steeler plays Now, I know if you're not from this country Or if you're just a cunt You can be like, well, I mean

It's really the Boston is the Bruins Not the Patriots You guys know why the Patriots Call the New England Patriots This is really actually a sad tale About this team We were the Boston Patriots initially And what ended up happening was

Because, you know, they were in the AFL And it was an upstart league And a lot of talent was in the NFL Nobody really gave a fuck So in an effort to try to get more fans They switched from Boston They thought if they said New England They could get enough people trickling down

From Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont Up from Connecticut and Rhode Island To maybe fill up a little bit of Fenway fucking pock Or whatever they played, Nickerson Field All these places where they played That's the reason why So anyways, so the first game The Bruins come out, right?

And they played Pittsburgh And for half the game we were doing alright You know, after half the game It was fucking two to one And then I don't know what happened I don't know what happened I didn't see the game I was, you know, doing some other shit

But I was watching it on my phone It was like two to one I'm like, alright, they're hanging in there They're hanging in there And then I fucking, I don't know I felt like I walked around for 20 minutes I looked back at my phone It was like five to one

We got fucking smoked So, you know, people giving me shit on Twitter Going, ah, that's one Same thing's gonna happen to you, Patriots And I gotta be honest with you I had no feeling one way or the other About that game yesterday as far as like You know, what do you think's gonna happen?

I had no fucking idea Nothing was gonna surprise me If the Steelers came in and beat us It wasn't gonna surprise me After the way, you know, we just looked bad Against the Texans And I was not, you know Didn't have too much confidence

In our offensive line And I know Pittsburgh always has Like a great defensive line And that type of shit So I didn't know what the fuck was gonna happen So I was very surprised at, you know How well everything worked yesterday And it was just fucking amazing

And I was sitting there Watching the game on this hospital TV, you know And the TV was so fucked up It was because, you know That's fucking hospital TV, dude Like it has like those, you know Like those waves they used to do When someone was going into like a fucking

Like a dream sequence That's what it was like So I couldn't even tell what quarter It was, how much time was left But thank God they kept saying What the fuck it score was Because I could barely see it And that's all I did

I was in the hospital And I was just fucking watching football games On this fucking TV They just had like these lines They weren't doing like the wavy thing They were just sort of, you know Just going from left to right And they just kept fucking going

I couldn't see what was going on So, but fortunately I was sitting there Watching the game with my brand new baby daughter Laying on my chest for the whole game It was one of the fucking greatest Arguably the greatest moment of my life Did I mention that? Did I forget to bring that up

That old fucking Billy the kidless is finally your father? Yeah My wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl She's perfect She's absolutely gorgeous And I'll spare you all the cliches You know, that everybody says Because one thing I really did learn

Throughout this whole process Which is really as the guy You're observing this amazing thing Is that, you know, just don't tell too many fucking people That's all I can tell you You know, I know I said it on the fucking podcast But I don't run into you guys I mean, in your life

Don't tell too many people you're having a fucking kid Because I swear to God The amount of misinformation Or even if it's good information Like a lot of people don't know how to Fucking convey information in a compelling way So you're just sitting there Just smiling thinking when is this going to be over

And, um, yeah People will fucking It's so nuts They, whatever they went through They tell you that that's what you're going to go through So you end up going in there And you have everybody else's experience In your fucking head swimming around

When the reality is This is not their experience It's your experience And however you react Whatever you do Whatever you think and all that Is fine It's your fucking experience

Because I was sitting there Almost having like an outer body experience Thinking like, why am I feeling this? Why am I feeling this instead of that? I thought I was going to feel this Blah, blah, blah I was literally in my head For like fucking, I don't know

Like 15 minutes So anyways That was my fucking, that was my weekend I became a father And I got to see the Patriots Go to their unprecedented Ninth Super Bowl Um, so

My wife and my beautiful daughter Come home today I have to do the Jimmy Kimmel show Because I'm, I'm promoting My next stand-up special That comes out on Netflix On January 31st Tape at the Ryman Theater

In Nashville, Tennessee Um, you know Which is home of the original Grand Ole Opry and legendary place I got to play it a number of years ago When I did Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy tour, festival thing They have out there in Nashville

And of course like every performer Who goes there You just fall in love with the place It's just a magical place So I got to do my special there And um, you know Very proud of this one And if you guys can get the word out

Just let people know that um That I got a special coming out It's on January 31st Um, I don't know how the ratings work On Netflix, I don't know But basically People got to watch it If you watch it then it comes up on the thing

Where people can actually see it In the sea of like 20 million shows That they have on that Um, worldwide network So, uh, please Tweet about it Facebook about it Social media about it

And all that type of stuff And I hope you guys enjoy it Um, I'm really proud of this special Love the way it came out And all that stuff So that's what I got going on And uh, my wife and daughter come home tonight Um, so that's it

This is the last time My house is going to be quiet Uh, but I've been having a great time so far I got my fucking diaper changing thing down My swaddle game is at like I'd say, you know It's about at 80% That's like the biggest fucking thing

I suck at burping I'm not good at that You know what I mean? Because there's only so hard you can go On a baby's back before you think like Am I like beating a baby right now? I don't want to do this So, um, anyways

Anyways, oh, I forgot this too I gotta say My apologies once again Two weeks in a row To the Atlanta Falcons I'm sorry So sorry That I doubted many eyes

Jesus Christ The Atlanta Falcons look like fucking world beaters I have been converted In two short weeks I went from isn't this the fucking team That had to pump in crowd noise Because it was so quiet At their fucking stadium

Didn't they have to do that a couple years ago Didn't they get caught doing that And everybody laughed Because it wasn't the New England Patriots Cheating So that it wasn't a big federal offense Didn't that happen Isn't that the franchise we're talking about here

Where they got some little slap on the fucking wrist Where the Patriots would have got 12 zillion dollars in fucking fine And lost like a bunch of first round draft picks Nah, nah, nah, it's okay It's okay We got a little upset for a second Because we saw a little red in the uniform

Oh, that's not the Patriots So then it's just sort of funny Isn't that this franchise Now look at the place The place is packed The place is packed Everybody's loud And I gotta tell you something right now

80% of the people in that fucking stadium Should have been hanging them Hanging their fucking heads in shame Because where were you Where were you when they were bad Huh? You know where you were You goddamn Georgia fans

You can't even show up to the Braves When they make the fucking playoffs You can't even sell out your fucking stadium I don't get Atlanta When it comes to that type of shit I don't get it Like they just They are not a pro city fucking town

They've lost two hockey teams You know what I mean? Twice divorced They had the Atlanta Flames Right? Wasn't enough to have Bobby Orr And all these great guys from the 70s Coming to their town

They didn't give a shit They were down the street Right? Between them hedges Hey, we watching some fucking college football That's what the fuck they were doing And what the NHL say What were we thinking

Let's get the fuck out of here And they went to Calgary And became the Calgary Flames Right? And then for whatever reasons Because they're the NHL You know? Because they're stubborn

God damn it We're gonna put another team in there 20 fucking years later Here you go The Atlanta Thrasher's Which I've never done I don't know what the fuck that is Thrasher's

When I hear about thrashing I just picture somebody shaking their kid You know what I mean? And you're sitting there in the car next to him In the parking lot going At what point do I intervene? That should have been their logo, right? Some adult shaking a toddler

I know, that's a bad image But it's a tough game It's a tough fucking game And what happened? You didn't show up to those either So they fucking moved them to Winnipeg I'm just fucking with you guys And now all of a sudden

They're great And everybody shows up You know? Everybody's fucking pointed the hat Everybody's, you know Fucking doing that millennial thing When your team's doing well And you start fucking vigorously nodding

And turning around at the rest of the crowd That one drives me up the fucking wall The nodding thing I think that's sign language for all day Anyways, but Jesus Christ That fucking team If there's any justice in the world They're gonna go in as Super Bowl favorites

But they're not And what's great is they're gonna be able to Use that as You know, whatever they say To get them hyped They don't believe in us And blah, blah, blah, blah It's not gonna be disrespect to the Falcons

What it is, is when the Super Bowl comes around Is when a bunch of people who don't watch sports Show up And they're gonna show up And be like, who's playing in the game? Oh, Tom Brady, the Patriots I know who this team is The Falcons

Are they from Tennessee? Like people who don't know sports Will know the Patriots And they'll just throw 100 bucks in the game And they'll put it on the Patriots Because that's the fucking team they know Which affects the line Because Vegas tries to get money

On both sides of the ball So that's what's gonna end up happening That's right back with that year When the Patriots lost to the Giants Which one? The first time When we were undefeated That's why we were 17 fucking point favorites Not because we were 17 point favorites

It's because every mouth-breathing dumb cunt That went to Vegas Put money on the undefeated team And they were trying to get money on the The other side of the ball And if you don't fucking believe me A month earlier we played the Giants We won on like the last drive

The last second And we let up like 33 fucking points And won by like three or four How a month later You become a 17 point favorite to a team A month earlier you played And only won by four points You can figure out the fucking math on that

When it's beyond me So I'm predicting that the Patriots Are gonna go in They're gonna be considered the favorites And but they're not I think the Falcons are the favorites And I think this is their year I think they're a team of destiny

Okay? Now people who are into superstition Know exactly what I'm doing Because you're thinking Hey Bill, you're a Patriots fan How the fuck would you How the hell could you ever say that I got a system here people

When the Falcons played Seattle I said Seattle was gonna win And who won those dirty birds of Georgia Dirty, filthy, inbred fucking birds In Atlanta, right? Down low birds Of Atlanta, Georgia, right? Then last week

They go to play Aaron fucking Rogers And the Green Bay Packers And what did I say? Ah, you know, I had a little more respect I'm gonna go with the Green Bay Packers And what are those dirty, stinking, filthy fucking birds do? They went in there And Green Bay got their asses

By those glorified pigeons, right? By those fucking seagulls By those filthy, dirty birds That's how much fucking goes on in Atlanta You know what I mean? Even there, like, logo has a fucking STD Right now, sorry, that was a bad joke Anyways

So I've picked against them two times And both times the Falcons win So now they're playing my team in the Super Bowl So, here's my philosophy Now I'm gonna pick Atlanta And I'm gonna say that they're gonna win I gotta be honest with you If Atlanta's getting points

You're out of your mind not to fucking take it I think, personally Their fucking defense is unbelievable That fucking Julio Jones is like I don't know, like, he doesn't even look like He looks like he's, he's He looks like a full grown adult Playing with, like, high school kids

That fucking pass he caught And he just started shredding tacklers Then that last guy gave him, like, two or three stiff arms Like a jab Get the fuck out of my face Go fuck yourself right there, Fred Touchdown That guy's a major fucking problem

Their running back is a major fucking problem Obviously, Maddie Ice Looking like the MVP of the fucking league They got the three headed monster thing going On offense and their defense I don't know anybody's fucking name All I know is they're flying around the field Fucking up every team that I think is gonna beat them

So, if they're gonna get points That's a pretty good bet if you ask me So we'll see, we'll see what happens You know what Belichick's gonna do He's gonna double fucking Julio Jones And he's gonna try to fucking do this And all that shit

I have no fucking idea what's gonna happen I have no idea I've been busy and I'm so happy That my wife is no longer pregnant You know, other dads out there Know what it's like in that final fucking The final fucking month is just so brutal Where it's just like they are so uncomfortable

And there's literally nothing you can do One of the most helpless feelings I've ever had And I'm just so happy that now She's on the other side of that And I was as thrilled for her As I was for myself becoming a dad Just that she, that was over So Jesus Christ

I already knew my wife was tough Considering the amount of, I lose Most fucking arguments to her Because she just, but watching her go through What the fuck she went through Jesus Christ, whole level, new level New level of respect for her toughness You know what I mean?

Like my wife, what she went through Could literally watch like a UFC event And be like, yeah, these guys are pussies So anyways, I gotta read some fucking advertising here Don't I? I'm sitting here running my yap All right, all right, where are we going here? Where are we going? Type in my password, sorry

There we go, all right, let's get to the Oh, here we go, oh, Jesus Christ Oh, you know what I forgot to bring up, by the way? Remind me, I'm gonna talk to you about This move that Aaron Rodgers does as a QB I didn't see him do it all day yesterday I gotta talk about it because I might forget He's got this fucking move

It's brilliant, right? When they do like a seven step drop, right? People rushing in from either side And the tackles are blocking them And you see that they're gonna get around them On the outside And Aaron Rodgers has just gone far back enough Where that's the line to sack him

So the move all quarterbacks do in that moment Is they then step back up into the pocket So those guys, you know Basically they go around the outside Or have to try to go to the inside And then they're back in front of the tackle Okay, but, you know, sometimes they still break through What he does is he starts to step up

And he gets between the tackles So then those guys who are rushing to the outside Then try to make a move to go to the inside And then he immediately, the second they both commit To go back inside, he pops back to the fucking outside And he actually, with that movement Has his tackles lined up with their men It's fucking amazing

He does it all the fucking time And just watching Tom Brady, Jesus Christ Did you see that first sack the stealer had? Where like, I swear to God, it was like Tom The batteries, if he was like a robot They shorted out for half a second He just didn't see the guy and then he kind of did like Somebody kind of freaked out

Then he spun around and laid down He looked like a deer in headlights on that one He's just not the most mobile fucking guy in the world But everybody knows that I don't, that move is the shit And here's something I don't understand That no wide receiver ever does You know when they do like a fucking reverse

Double reverse or whatever And you know when the defense is stringing it out And it's not gonna work You can see it's not gonna work You know, and it's just dying a slow death I don't mean when, you know, it doesn't work And the receiver gets to right there, Fred Obviously, tuck the ball away, but

How come when it's dying a slow death Why do they start doing this OJ fucking dancing around shit Why don't they just throw the ball away for an incomplete Rather than taking the fucking five to seven yard loss Has anybody ever seen anybody do that That's my football question for this week Has anybody seen a wide receiver on a reverse And it wasn't fucking working out of fucking nowhere

Wait, has anybody seen a wide receiver Just basically do that play is all I'm asking For the love of God, can somebody fucking tell me That they've seen that I don't understand why they don't do that Why the fuck would you do that Then you don't get hit You don't lose a bunch of yard

Bill, we get it All right, all right, let me read the advertising here For this week, all right Oh, shit, everybody Boop, boop, boop, beyondies, beyondies Going to the Super Bowl Do-do-do-do, beyondies, beyondies Doing just what you're told

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It really is He's the greatest coach of all fucking time You know what I mean? Tom Brady, I swear to God I think I'm finally going to say It might be the greatest quarterback of all time This is their seventh fucking Super Bowl Over 15 fucking years

You go back in time, you name The Steelers had their heyday from 74 to 80 And then it was over Right, people get old People get old, they fucking move on And then you got to get a new group of people And then it's just not as good as the other people It's so fucking hard to just keep it going

Where you stay at that level of success Forget about now with the free agency The league parody And all of that shit that these coaches now have to deal with The fact that just year in and year out They just keep fucking doing this is incredible So, anyways, me undies All right, oh, Valentine's Day

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I think I did, I did I finally figured it out, my recipe, you gotta slow cook it for 90 minutes, not 60 minutes Or I have to learn how to tenderize meat a little bit better I need to learn how to beat the meat a little, you get it? A little jerk up, joke down? Sorry, alright, let's um Did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about in the podcast? I believe I did

I believe I did You know what's fucking hilarious, is my wife keeps telling me to go to the firehouse To make sure, the fire station To make sure that the kid's seat is put in correctly Which I think it is, I mean I fucking glued my finger a bunch of, you know I tried to rip it out, I couldn't rip it out, you know what I mean? And I think my fucking arms are just as strong as a two car accident, right? So, I've gone over to the firehouse twice

The one in my neighborhood, I've been over there two fucking times Every time I've ever gone by that fucking firehouse The trucks are there, somebody else is fucking washing it Every time I go by the house, the fucking firehouse, nobody's there Trucks are gone, I'm ringing the doorbell and there's nobody there And I'm sitting there thinking, well maybe at least the guy who makes the fucking chili, he doesn't hang back The second time I went there, the fucking TV was on So, I don't know, I've been driving around in my wife's car

Which I didn't like at first You know, all these fucking cars, they're shaped like dinner rolls They all look the exact fucking same But now I actually kind of like it, you know, it took me a minute You know, it's a fucking broads car, what are you gonna do? Anyways, let me read some of the questions for this week Did I fucking copy and paste them, did I at least do that For the love of Christ

No, I didn't, of course not, why would you do that, Bill? If you did something like that, then that would mean that you were actually fucking paying attention Alright, let's just read them from here Okay, weight loss slash fat shaming Hey there, Billy Bassanette, I actually know what a Bassanette is now Congrats on pregnancy, and you and the lovely Neil will make pretty good parents That's hilarious, I'm emailing you because I wanted to thank you and Joe Rogan for all of your shit It enabled me to lose 120 pounds, that's a whole person

I started back in November of 2015, dude, that's amazing And I've kept it off and continue to get to my goal of 220 pounds I was 357 when I started He goes, that's a fucking plane I think it's a gun, isn't it? 357 Magnum Anyway, thanks for the shame and motivation you freckled cunt Good luck and best wishes to you and your growing family in 2017 in the coming years

Oh, and by the way, go fuck yourself in the best way possible Thanks, stranger You know what that means Anyways, oh dude, that's great, I could use some advice because I've been During the last few weeks I should really say like the last two months of Nias ordeal is what I'm going to call it Because it was not a, like the pregnancy is a fucking ordeal You sick, the first fucking third

And then there's this, you know, eye of the storm, the second trimester And then it's just like, it's fucking horrible, you know If you don't have any sympathy for your wife during a pregnancy, you're not in love with her You fucking married the wrong person, I could tell you that So anyways Anyways, yeah, I put on a little bit of weight, not too crazy I kept hitting the fucking elliptical, but I just kept making comfort food And then what would happen was, you know, she'd eat a little bit of it, sort of like it

And then all of a sudden would just be totally, for whatever reason, hormonally Would be totally turned off by like the next fucking day And I made enough for two people and I'm not going to throw it out You know what I mean? So I got to fucking, I got to finish it You know, I ate almost a whole shepherd's pie myself With this beef brujole, she was too heavy, she couldn't deal with it So, you know, you're supposed to have red meat a couple of times a month

I've had it four times this week But you know what, I finished the day with a salad I never make myself salads either I just, I just never know what the fuck to put in them You know what I mean? And I finally just, I just started with basics, right? I go to the grocery store, this is what I've been doing lately, it's been working for me As I go there and I get that pre-washed fucking lettuce that they have in there, you know

Because, you know, basic what I have, a few people had to die by unwashed fucking lettuce Now they wash it up for us, so you get that shit I get three different colored peppers, green, red and the orange, right? I cut those fucking things up, cut up some cucumbers, throw all of that in a bowl Then I got some tomatoes on the vine in a bowl outside the fridge And a little Parmesan cheese, and then I just have everything all chopped up and ready to go Pre-shredded fucking Parmesan and all that So then at night, when I get hungry before I do something stupid

I just make a quick fucking salad, a little bit of the Paul Newman's fucking balsamic vinaigrette on it I make a face like, I don't want to fucking eat this, and then a couple bites in, you're into it, it's over You get it going, it's like trying to fucking write a term paper back in the day You kept putting it off, putting it off, and then when you finally sat down you just fucking did it Same thing with eating a salad I try to do that, you know, if I'm going to eat past like seven o'clock I try to have that, and then I have like a scotch It's the Ron Burgundy diet or whatever

All right, work, meeting Dear Billy Red Tank, isn't it one? The cunts I work with have tasked me to share an inspirational quote or poem during our bimonthly team meeting Sorry Cunts I work have asked me to share an inspirational quote or poem during our bimonthly team meeting Oh my god Well, if there's ever a sign you got to quit this fucking job Personally, I'd rather tell them to go fuck themselves, but since this would be frowned upon, I find myself in need of your expertise

Do you have any inspirational quotes that you can share with me so that I can keep pretending that I'm not dead inside? Dude, you're not dead inside What you are is you're an intelligent human being who knows that this is silly and you're sick of being treated like a fucking child This is like some shit that like when I was still in school, you know, I had to sit there with my hands folded on my desk Dude, I swear to God, the corporate world is so fucking cold and so out of touch with like how human beings even fucking work Or they totally understand it and this is how they just break your spirit You know what it is is you probably you guys have these mind-numbingly boring fucking jobs, right? They probably don't pay enough money for you to be fucking excited by it

So now what they're going to try to do is have you, you know, go out and they won't even do it for you They won't even come up with like a fucking, you know, their own like little, you know, like the Raiders just win baby You know what I mean? The Cubs let's play too. They can't even come up with their own. This is this is their fucking job Well, look, you know what you have to do But what I would love you to do is write your own fucking poem where it all rhymes and you just trash in this thing Whatever the fuck this exercise is What rhymes with cunts? What rhymes with cunts?

Let's see One of the most exciting plays in baseball is when a speedy hitter lays down a bun I am dead inside. I don't like this job And certainly not working with you cunts Consider this my last fucking day Don't worry. I don't have a gun, but I would like to say fuck all of you And your mother's too Now I'm out of a job. I don't know what I'm going to do and then you just leave go on get drunk

I don't I don't know what the fucking dog wins marathon Hey, Billy, probably a dad. I am I'm a father now, which means I now get to fucking act like I know things that people who don't have kids No, don't know. Whatever. You know, they do it. Oh, you don't understand. You don't understand your babies looking in your eyes. Shut up You didn't wear a condom. All right. That is your fucking big That's what that's what you did. All right, stop acting like you walked in the moon Oh, do you have a baby? Oh my God. What is it 12 billion of those fucking things? It's like saying you have a hat. All right dog wins marathon. Hey Billy, probably a dad thought you like this story But it's my hat thought you like this story a dog left its house and started running a marathon and ran alongside runners and finished the whole thing

He finished seventh. Congratulations. Get the fuck out of here Now I have to watch this video He ran the whole fucking No, he didn't Ludivine, Ludivine ran the entire 13.1 miles without a leash or human companion. Okay. First of all, 13.1 miles is not a marathon Oh, half marathon. Sorry See how the misinformation starts He fucking called in a marathon and then I start blaming CNN

Dog wins marathon. He won half a marathon. See you already started the lie Dog gives CPR after running a fucking marathon Runners in Alabama may have bitten off more competition than they anticipated in a race earlier this month All right now it makes sense because I was like who what kind of a fucking dog owner would leave his front door wide open And the goddamn thing just runs out It runs fucking 13 miles away Oh, obviously somebody in Alabama A dog finished in the top 10 in the Elkmont half marathon the trackless train track

On January 16th and has been quite the internet sensation. What is a trackless train track? They used to be train tracks there Was this the underground railroad? Is this is how the slaves got out of there? Yeah, you know, we let them they escaped up this way, but we could we blocked it off. Now we just do a marathon White people only marathon. I love it. They act like like I do it too like racist white people are only in the south That's not sure we're everywhere Ludvine a bloodhound lives nearby and lives near by Ludvine a bloodhound lives nearby and a bloodhound. Oh, I fucking love those. That's not a bloodhound

Oh, yes, it is but when it runs its face is all flying backwards. So it looks like a fucking retriever That's one of my favorite dogs ever God damn it's making me miss my dog. All right, let's plow through this. Ludvine a bloodhound Lives near by the way update on Cleo is the new owner sent me a fucking picture and it was up on the couch sleeping like a baby loving life Probably doesn't even remember us because it's a dog and it lives in the fucking present and So that was that was good to see but I saw it was like oh fuck Anyway, she competed without a human or leash her owner doesn't even run That's what makes the story. You know what? I don't like this story

I don't like this fire. I don't like this is one of these just like let's just go all together All together There's a nice heartwarming story for everyone All right best man Hey, Billy bitch tits. That's one of the most popular ones you guys always call me that Billy bitch tits. Is it the eliteration? I do push-ups. I don't have bitch tits yet I recently proposed to my girlfriend congratulations and we're getting married in December congratulations and when my lady Asked me who I wanted as my best man. I realized I wasn't close enough to anyone to ask them

I have friends and co-workers and family, but I'm not really close with them not enough to choose one best man anyway So with that is this a fucking pitch for a Hollywood movie Didn't Kevin Hart have to didn't this is a Kevin Hart movie So with that being said what are the chances of you showing up and being my best man? If not, can you get me in touch with Joe Rogan? Thank you Where's your where's your wedding gonna be yet? If I got a gig if I got a gig nearby, I'll fucking do it I'll come down whatever you need. Let me tell you something about a lot. There's something that a lot of people don't know about Larry

Okay This guy Fucking this guy listens to the Monday morning podcast start doing the Madonna thing. I'll just start hyping my fucking podcast That's what I'll do. I'm gonna do the Madonna thing. I'm gonna wear a beret I was like, you know when I came here. I thought about blowing up this fucking reception area Because I didn't like the cake Why is the groom on the left and not the people read from left to right? Why is it the lady first? Um any I don't what the fuck it what I do. I don't maybe I do that. I have no fucking idea

No, I'm not gonna do it because I have to go through the whole fucking ceremony I got to present the ring and do all of that shit. I don't want to fucking do that I barely wanted to be at my wedding Even though I had a great time that's what I learned about myself to I swear to God What I fucking learned about myself is the level of social anxiety that I have that The amount of big moments in my life that if I could just fast forward through them and get on the other side of them I would gladly do it to not I mean after I have the experience. I always think like well, what the fuck was I so You know anxious about

And I actually you know I like my wedding was one of the best nights of my life But like you know my wife went into labor and shit You know I'm driving her over there and everything and You know there was that part of me was just going like just thinking like I hope this is over as quickly as possible And it was wasn't there was like a selfish thought it had nothing to do with like I don't my wife going through anymore this pain Which I definitely that might have been the most emotional I got listen to her screaming and fucking pain was that was fucking brutal Anyways But like yeah, I had this feeling like if I could just pull like hit fast forward and just be on the other side of this thing

I would do it in a second and I've thought about that like my entire fucking life. I've had I've had I never really realized I have this Social anxiety with all of this shit like I just want to I just get fucking through it get on the other side I'm on the other side. I made it through nothing humiliating happened now. I can fucking relax I felt like that for like the first Probably nine years of every stand-up show that I did Like the level of relief that I had after like once I got on stage I would be fine And then you just do when you're acting then even if you're bombing or whatever it's like it's the clock has started

And with every second it's closer the event is closer to being over you know what I mean It's it's the waiting and not knowing that's that's what is always always fucking giving me anxiety like the amount of stand-up shows that I've done and Impossible situations that you go through as a comedian when you're coming up for me it was never It was already over by the time I got on stage Because now you just go out there now you just deal with stuff and you know you tell people go fuck themselves You plow three do they get you and you look stupid and you feel like an asshole, but Then you say good night and then it's over and then you could just fucking relax

But it when you're standing there for me for me when you're standing there at the side of the fucking stage waiting Or metaphorically You know go in there I mean I don't know I can't believe this was one of the craziest fucking weekends of my life You know what I mean from the women's March to Donald Trump getting sworn in to the Patriots going to another fucking Super Bowl And becoming a dad was a hell of a hell of a four days I can tell you that and I don't know And I'm very thankful to be honest with you know all jokes aside that I finally got to have that experience of becoming a dad

Because it was getting to the point of like I don't know if I'm gonna I don't know if I'm gonna get this experience and it's weird. I feel like I lived my youth straight into my golden years And now I'm the middle part. I'm just doing it. I was joking. I think I may even say this on podcast I'm like living my life like a Tarantino movie where it's like completely out of sync You know John Travolta is walking by in the background You know the diner scene in Pulp Fiction my ruining is do I still have to say spoiler alert even though that fucking movie came out Like 22 years ago 23 years ago Anyways that is the the podcast for this week tune into Jimmy Kimmel tonight

And I don't know what I'm gonna do I don't know what I'm gonna fucking talk about all I know is I got the the pre interview coming up What were some of the things you'd like to touch on Huh? Well, can I do the cunt poem? From my podcast. I don't think so We shall see we'll see how this one goes. I'm very excited. I've never done the Jimmy Kimmel show and Here's something so cool that fucking guy is I met him one time and

I think I was down at Lago where I'm gonna be Bill Byrne friends on January 31st on Lassianica Boulevard right down here in Hollywood And he came down to the show to see somebody else and I met him and I started to see him And I met him and I met him and I met him and I met him and I met him and I met him And he came down to the show to see somebody else and I met him and I started talking to him about how Bill Walsh wrote this book You know the at the height of his you know just being like the Bill Belichick Vince Lombardi guy of his era He was approached to write a book on football and he wrote like Like he basically showed the outline and he had diagram plays and it was like you had to be a coach to understand the book And the the publisher or whatever the company he was doing the book with was basically like going dude you got to like

We can't put this book out like you got to be like a you got to be like a football coach to even understand any of this shit How about some pictures of you with Joe Montana? How about some family stories and blah blah blah and he was just like no You want me write write a book about football? This is it right here and he just fucking put out this thing so the book bombed As far as not making money With just regular Joe's like even myself the amount of football that I watch but amongst coaches evidently that book became like a Bible And if you can find like a hardcover version you find them on the internet think they go for like three four hundred bucks or something like that And whatever I was telling Jimmy that story and he was laughing you know it was funny or whatever and And I was joking going like you know I want to actually get that book

Maybe I'll finally understand the cover to defense or whatever the fuck is a nickel defense and that type of shit So sure enough like fucking three weeks later I get this package from Amazon It was from from him and he actually bought me the book and I thumbed through it dude and I'm telling you it's like you It's look you feel like you stole a team's playbook So anyways, so but I've never been able to do a show every time I try to do a show like something would come up So this is my first time doing it and so tune in tonight I'm hoping I'm gonna go there and be able to repay him by being a little bit funny on his show But once again my new stand-up special

Walk your way out comes out January 31st on Netflix. Please tweet about it. Please let everybody know and And that's it. Thank you for listening to the podcast. I'll talk to you later I'll talk to you. I'll check in on you on Thursday. All right. See you