Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-23-23

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

Bill rambles about NFL Playoffs, his trip to Disneyland, and giant turkey legs. Helix: Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners.  Go to www.HelixSleep.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 23rd, 2023. Oh, wow, 123, 23. I'm going to go, I'm going to go put that on one of them fucking scratch tickets. I can't remember the last time I bought one of those, the old scratch ticket, right? And then what happened? You hit it for 700 bucks and you open your mouth. The next thing you know, you got to buy all your shithead friends drinks, right? And they start answering ordering fancy shit. And you're fucking sitting there looking at him like, what a cunt. You think if this guy hits 700 bucks on a scratch ticket, he'd fucking let me know about it. And he turns around. And he's going to do a shot

of Johnny Walker blue. Think I don't have fucking bills to pay. That's how people get killed. They get killed with those scratch tickets. It happens. I've seen it. I've seen a HBO undercover about it. I'm hanging out here in my my lack of a podcast studio. I'm still trying to get my fucking microphones fixed here. And I am watching the Bengals verse the bills. It's 27 to 10. 27 to 10. And if you didn't see this fucking game coming, you didn't watch them against the Dolphins last week with a very underwhelming performance against the Miami Dolphins and some guy named Skyler, something or other at quarterback, which I was talking about like, I think this is like the golden age of backup quarterbacks.

Because I'll tell you when I was growing up, God damn it, when a backup quarterback came in, he fucking stunk. I'm trying to think that's a great question. The all time greatest backup quarterback. Send your submissions. All right. I don't even I'm trying to name backup quarterbacks when I was, unless you had a quarterback controversy where they had like Pat Hayden and Vince Farragamo or David Woodley and, um, and something else, the other Don Strock. Um, all right. Here's what fascinates me here about this game here. This guy 88 just caught one ran a fucking seam route. I think that is we run right down the hash marks. Is that what it's called? I don't know what and now all of a sudden they're going

to go into a hurry up offense. This is why I feel like Vegas made a phone call being like, all right, people are shutting off this game. At least make it 27, 24, you know, to end it. Right? Um, anyway, I'm trying to think like backup quarterbacks back in the day. I've just never seen an error where that's happened, but I'm not here to talk about that. I'm not here to talk about playoff football and that wet snow that's falling in Baltimore. Hey, wait, Bill, how can you be doing a podcast while coaching the bills at the same time? Final proof that I am not that guy. He's also in better shape than I am. Um, I just took my daughter, my wife and my daughter to Disneyland for my daughter's sixth birthday. And I got

to tell you this. I had a fucking blast. I had a great time. I don't know what all these fucking parents are bitching about. You know, I, I know, I know they got the deal there where they fucking you get off the ride. I like now when you go there, you get off the ride and you immediately go into a gift shop that has got more fucking merchandise than that fucking ban kiss. I mean, it's unbelievable. We went to a tomorrow land like, Oh my God, let's go to the land of tomorrow. Let's see what does a blitz. He got some. Um, are they calling that a fumble? They're not calling that a fumble. Even a podcaster with bad eyes knows that his arm was moving forward. Maybe it wasn't Josh Allen slow to get up. Um, Hendrickson

proving that what he has in his hand is indeed a football. Yeah, his hand was, it was his arm was going forward. What are we doing? Yeah. And on the replay. All right. Anyway, rule of the bubble on the play when I'm going to fucking go through nine hours of, uh, investigative reporting to see if that was in fact an incomplete forward pass. Um, yeah, dude, the level of fucking merch out there. But what I did like though was the amount of parents that were like all about it. They were like so into it. They had the ears on. They were dressing like characters and all of that shit. And, uh, we stayed at a hotel near the premises and, um, my daughter went with one of her, her bat. Oh, not one of her. What literally

went with her best friend, which was great. We went with another family, which was perfect because they're cool and their kids in absolute sweetheart. And, uh, so I just knew it would be a better experience if she could go with another kid the first time at Disneyland. So we went there and, uh, we went downstairs for breakfast. I swear to God, Mickey Mouse was there. Minnie Mouse, Pluto. And I don't know if it was Chip or Dale. My daughter knew. I guess like their noses are different. So we got pictures with all of them. I saw a goofy for half a second, but then he liked, he like dipped out or whatever. And I'm sitting there and I was, took me back to when I went to Disney world a long, long, long fucking

time ago, but it's a sway. The last time I was at Disney world, they were building Epcot center. Um, and they were talking about how amazing it was going to be and all of that stuff. I can't remember if I went there in this, I think I went in the seventies and then one more time. Am I in the eighties? But I remember cause I was a little kid. I remember they were having the parade going down main street and all I wanted to do was meet goofy. I thought goofy was the funniest and the best character and all of that. So the person in the goofy suit was skipping down the street. I remember Pluto was just walking down the street shaking people's hands on one side where goofy was skipping across

going over the middle, right? Like not, not even worried about Ray Lewis, just going over the middle and he was skipping from side to side. And I sat there going, goofy, goofy, goofy, like not even understanding how sound travels is that the fucking dude could not hear me. And of course he skipped on past. I didn't get to shake his hand. I never met him and it bugged me. And then I went there when I was a little bit older, still didn't meet him, right? So today we go downstairs for breakfast and low and behold. Oh no, wait, wait, I missed it. We went into the park and who's standing there taking pictures with a line of people is fucking goofy. I'm like, Oh shit, I've been waiting for this picture

for over 40 years. So I stand in line with my daughter and I get there. One of the Disney people's just like, yeah, goofy's got a show, man. He's got to go. He's got to go. So like, this is the end of the line. And I went, all right, I get it. You got to be the bad guy. No worries. No problem. He says, all right, cool. And then Cruella Deville was hanging out and my friend was saying that Cruella is like the best character to play because you can like openly shit on people because it's part of your character. Like he like my kid and the other kid that she was with were like screaming at one point and the Cruella Deville person. Oh, who's making that awful noise? It was kind of awesome that she was

being all arrogant and acting like, you know, she was the shit. I really enjoyed meeting her, but I didn't get to meet goofy, right? So I'm leaving and we're going downstairs to go to breakfast and I'm thinking like, all right, you know, this is the last little breakfast thing here, you know, the last little $900 for fucking poached eggs. I'm going to have to pay for it. And we show up breakfast and who's standing there doing a fucking step and repeat pictures or whatever is goofy. Right? The Buffalo bills driving with nine minutes to go. The Buffalo bills are driving. I'm just saying this for me because by the time this is posted, this game will be over. Fucking goofy standing there. So

I stand in line. It's like, you know, five sets of parents, sets of parents, not just parents, five sets of parents, like two and three people, they all went to Disney together and they're standing in line, standing in line. And we get down to like one family in front of us and goofy just fucking be just bounces. He walks. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then the lady goes, Oh, goofy just had to go take a quick break. But blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, all right, the guy, you know, the guy's got to take a leak. Worst case scenario, a dump. This will be a good seven minutes. He's coming back. He washed his hands. He's got the white gloves on. All right, this is cool. Goofy's coming back.

We stand there for seven to 10 minutes and fucking Pluto comes walking around the corner like this is like an acceptable substitute. It reminded me way back in the day when I went to the Boston garden to go see the ice capades and Dorothy Hamill, the Olympic gold medal, medal winner for women's in 1976 was supposed to be doing the figure skating and right as the lights went down, they go, we're sorry, Dorothy Hamill will not be skating. All right, fucking Skyler, what's his face from the fucking Miami Dolphins is going to be everybody's like, Oh, what the fuck? We're all that's what we came out for. She was like America's sweetheart. Like all the chicks were going out getting her haircut, even Shirley

from Laverne and Shirley, that TV show had a Dorothy Hamill fucking haircut and she fucking she bounced. She dipped whatever the kids say, just like Goofy. So fucking dude leaves and then Pluto comes back around. I got fucked again. And my wife was laughing because she always calls little me when she thinks when I tell the stories to my childhood, she always goes, Oh, baby, baby, I'm walking away. And she's just laughing. She just goes, I go, the guy fucking dipped and Pluto came back and she laughed. I go, I've been waiting to get that photo for over 40 years. And then she goes, Oh, so I put my head down, I act like I'm all set. She goes, baby, baby. Um, and then I don't know, we went, we ordered some other

stuff, but I got to say something, man, I had a great time once you got in the park. Jesus Christ. They got this downtown Disney, whatever the fuck that is. I will say though, we saw this band there the night before Mexican band killing it, killing it. Was that fourth and six? Oh, you got to run. You got to run the link to the field. No, no, no, no, no. Don't try to pass it over here. Oh, no, you don't. Um, that's the ball game right there, ladies and gentlemen. That was not even a good thrown ball. Why is he acting as though he did something? I just, I swear to God. I'm going to say this because I wanted to be true. I want to retire as a sports fan. And I feel like what the eagle, the Philadelphia Eagles head coach did,

like playing to the camera, like he's not coaching a team, nodding vigorously after whatever the Eagles did and says, I know what the fuck I'm doing. Like that's good. The amount of young coaches that saw that and is like, I'm going to do my version of that. It was bad enough when they did a half hour segment on the fucking Ravens field go kicker. I didn't watch it. I just saw the advertising where he also sings in a cappella, but we'll get that's a fucking kicker. Who gives a shit? Oh, and he's got an attitude when he kicks that ball. Like now, now let me get to now. Now that now a kicker is a personality, I have to deal with that. And then it becomes fucking now a coach is going to be a personality. Now he's going to be wagging his finger. He's

going to be shaking his head. He's going to be like at one point he was hammered it up so bad. The NFL literally did a 360 shot around him. The same shot Tarantino used on Pam Greer and fucking Jackie Brown when she was coming out of the goddamn dressing room. They did that to an NFL coach who looked like some jerk off that's out there shoveling a driveway. If that's good, I was just trying to picture Tom Landry nodding vigorously with his fedora saying, I know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah, I am. If that's how it's done now, that's for the kids bill. Don't be the fucking grumpy old man. All right. Okay, I get it. The Eagles head coach just reinvented a football strategy.

He is. He is the greatest football coach. He must be. He must be because I never saw Vince Lombardi do that. I never saw Chuck Noel. I never saw Don Shula. I didn't see Bill Parcells. I didn't see Joe Gibbs. I didn't see Bill Belichick. I didn't never seen any of them nod vigorously even after they were absolutely destroying the other team and say, I know what the fuck I'm doing. And what I hate about that behavior is one of these days, he's going to get his fucking ass kicked because that's what happens and he will not then shake his head no vigorously into the camera and say, evidently, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. That's not how that game works. The you mad bro game is that's not how it works. It's when you did something

great, you got to get in everybody's face and, but when you drop a pass of shit, the better ready to that, then it's quiet time. Inside voices. Inside voices, everybody. Anyway, sorry. Yes. If I wasn't being an old man, I wouldn't be the old man that I was. You know what? I got to be honest with you. I would love to stop watching sports and just fucking walk away from it. It would be fucking amazing with all of that free time. What would I do with it? I'm just afraid that I would lose all of my friends because I would have no idea what they were talking about. All right, I'm going to do underrated overrated at Disneyland. All right, under the number one underrated thing at Disneyland is the turkey leg.

They sell these giant turkey legs and the other dad that I was with wanted one and my wife was in line to get me a burger and then she made the executive decision to get, to have me get a turkey leg instead of a burger. And I'm looking at her like, why wouldn't she just get me what I ordered? And you know what she did? She nodded at me vigorously and she said, because I know what the fuck I'm doing. I was sort of indifferent. I was indifferent about the burger. I will be honest, because when we first got there, we went to this Tahiti themed or Tiki themed. I don't know what it was. It was like these torches and I swear to God, I ordered a burger and before I finished saying how I wanted it, it came out of the kitchen. And I was like, that is not a good sign. That

patty has, that's going to be medium and that has been sitting on the side of the grill that doesn't have the flame on staying warm. Did you even melt the fucking cheese? It was horrific. All right. And I'm sitting there going, this is the happiest place in the world because it came here so fast. Why don't you take your fucking time and cook it the way I said, right? Anyway, so I wasn't too upset. She said, I just told him to get you a turkey leg and some corn. And I'm like, all right. And in my head, I'm like, what if I change your fucking order? I never would have heard the end of that. But anyway, I'm so glad she did. This dude came back with these turkey legs. They were, they were unfucking believable. And considering all this shit that

you could be eating there, that you're not eating in that moment and you're just eating a bunch of protein, it was fucking fantastic, fucking fantastic. And then the era corn, like I would literally go back to Disneyland, walk past all the rides. I'd walk past everything except for goofy because I would stand in line again just to have that motherfucker walk away from me. You know what I mean? I'm like fucking De Niro in casino. Like when are you going to just let that broad get take her jewelry and leave? Anyway, I'm going Sam Rothstein. I'm going as him for Halloween. I already got it down. I already know what the fuck I'm going to do. I'm going to go into Indochino and get me more Sam Rothstein fucking suit for 399. Anyway, all right, underrated,

underrated, you got to get the fucking turkey leg. You eat that turkey leg first, you're going to be full for the rest of the day. You're not going to be eating a bunch of shit, right? You get that fucking turkey leg and that era corn and you are good to go. It's over by the tea cups. All right, there's a food cart over by the fucking tea cups. That's where you want. I don't know what land it's in. I think it was in right now. Will it was not in Tomorrowland, by the way, which I had a good time over there. It's the first time my daughter got to drive me in a car and she didn't want to do it. I go, I'll work the accelerator, right? No biggie. Oh shit, Joe, mixing, almost broke it. These poor fucking Buffalo Bills fans. I mean, what did they,

what in the fuck did these people do to the foot? Have you ever seen a fucking team just year in, year out, decade in, decade out, century in? How fucking long do they got to knock on the door before it opens? 50 years of watching play, watching fucking professional football. I've never seen somebody take a shoulder pad to the chest and have their heart stopped. The first time it happens, who does it happen to? A Buffalo Bill. Of course it does. Of course it does. Anyway, any fucking way. Look at these Bill's fans staying there until the end in that shitty fucking weather. Incredible fan bait. I got to tell you, thank God they have parody in this league.

Because the owner would have thrown a temper tantrum, said I want a new fucking stadium and would have left and all of that bullshit. So at least that happened. Well, my Super Bowl pick for 2022 football season has about four minutes and 53 seconds left of life in their season. Jesus Christ, dude, when they, when they added Norm Van Broklin, sorry, Vaughn Miller. What is this guy doing? He's spanking that ass. Is that what he's doing? Is he throwing dirt on it? I don't know what he's doing, but of course we got to glorify that fucking behavior. That's Buddy Money's an Eagles fan. He goes, I love when that guy nodded into the camera. He goes, there's a great fuck you to the Giants. It's like, isn't beating them 38 to

seven enough of a fuck you? And why do you have to say fuck you? I blame it on, I blame all of this stupid behavior on Dress Down Fridays. When I was a kid, when I was just a lad back, they had margarine. We weren't churning butter. It wasn't that long ago. They came up with that Dress Down Friday, right? Everybody used to dress like they were going to fucking work. And then that day where they made one day a week of fucking slumber party for whatever stupid fucking reason. All right? And then the chicks all got to try to out whore each other. The other guys are trying to show off their fucking guns. They brought in like this, like you were going to a swingers party and there was going to be a big fucking orgy. That vibe, all of a sudden, the professionalism went

out the fucking window. And then I think right around that time, it just, that was the beginning of it. That was the beginning of it. And then I don't know what else happened. And then somewhere along the line, social media came along. And then somehow the goat went from being a bad thing to a good thing. The goat, when I was a kid, if you were the goat of the game, I don't know where it came from, but that meant you were the guy that fucked the game up for everybody. Then greatest of all time became goat. And, you know, it gets thrown around. There's like so many goats out there now, they literally have a goat emoji. I feel if you were truly talking about the goat, you should have to spell it out because there's so few of them, right? Oh, angry old man. I keep

trying not to be this guy. This is what it is. Oh, look at the guy, false start on the offense. He played it down. It's a five yard fucking penalty. It's getting chippy out there. The bills are out of time out. Joe burrow, everybody. Joe burrow. Is he going to go in there? Who's going to win? The purse thrower or Joe burrow? Joe burrow. You guys, you know, I love Patrick Mahomes. I just, it's one of my old man things. So I'm like, that is a forward lateral. Okay. And now that that's legal, fine. I'll say that that's, you know, but at the end of the day, that is a two yard pass. Can everybody settle the fuck down? Gee, what the fuck was I just looking at there? That guy was doing an oompa-loompa dance.

Isn't there enough personality in the fucking game? Anybody does anything on the sidelines. I now have to make sure I see it. And now it became like the head coach of the fucking Eagles. That fucking guy got more goddamn screen time than fucking the quarterback for Duke, for the Giants. Sorry. Anyway, also underrated, underrated at the, at Disneyland. Okay. As far as like the rides that I went on with kids, I like the T cups, you know, it's a good ride to get your kid used to, you know, some of the faster rides. You spin around a little bit, you can control how you spin, but you also let go of it and kind of have a nice time. It gives you the option, right? I like the Pirates of the Caribbean. That's a great one for the parents. You're a little tired.

They make you walk up some stairs or whatever. And a couple of nice drops in it. I needed a third one. And then I thought it was kind of funny that they just sort of rear end each other at the end of the end of the ride. I enjoyed that. Driving on the cars was cool. We didn't go in any, my kids aren't big, so we didn't go into the big shit. But let's see, anything I went on that I didn't like. That kind of stunk. That was all right. I wasn't a big fan of the ones that like they then walked you through a gift shop. Like we did some Star Wars shit. And then the end of it, we're in some gift shop. And my daughter is like assembling her own lightsaber. You can pick out whatever colors you want. And Nia just jumped in. It's like, well, we'll get that later because

you're going to have to carry that all around the park. So, you know, in two seconds later, they forget about it. It was another one. What's this guy doing? Why is this guy acting like he's not down by contact? Sorry. Anyway, Billy's trying to make something happen. But overall, I got to tell you, like all of these parents were telling me what a fucking nightmare going to Disneyland was going to be. It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. The lines weren't that bad or whatever. It was a lot of cool shit, you know. I think, you know, when the kids get bigger or something like that, they want to run around the park because I get freaked out by that shit. I don't like having my kids out of my sight ever. I'm beyond a helicopter parent. I've just seen too

much of this shit about human trafficking and all that stuff, which just fucking blows my mind that there's not more media coverage about that trying to end that shit. There's more media coverage about, you know, Caitlyn Jenner that year when they made her fucking woman of the year and she had literally killed somebody in a fucking traffic accident that year. That was a joke in my act. And she knew he knew he was going to jail and the only way he could get out of it is if he turned himself into a white woman. Oh, that was a fun topical joke for about two months. Anyway, let's do the, let's do some of the advertisement here. But overall, yeah, man, I had a great fucking time. And next time I do Orlando or something, or one of these times,

I do Jacksonville or something, I should bring the kids because I have not been, because I was a little disappointed in how the castle looked because I'm used to the white one, the one that's in Orlando, not that whatever the fuck that one that was like a, it was like half a castle, which by the way, that was my only criticism when I was there, could they have more pictures of Walt Disney pointing at something while it's being built? It's like, we get it. This was his idea. Oh my God, it's like fucking, you know, he was making Steve Job look fucking understated. Was there ever a fucking guy in history that just was just walking around blowing himself? You know what I mean? Do you think it would be Einstein with some of the shirt that Tesla guy,

some of the shit he came up with? No, it wasn't. It was the guy who couldn't write any, a line of programming or whatever the fuck they said. I don't even know what that even means. I shouldn't even say that. Oh, here's the, here's an old man moment I had. When I was a kid, they had a submarine ride at Disney World, at least it was called 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. And it was a, I think a successful movie from the 1950s, I believe, was what the ride was. And that they have the same ride. It's the exact same fucking ride, but now it's called Finding Nemo. Nemo, so not Leonard Nemo. And they have that, they just renamed it. So now they put Nemo underneath there, which was actually pretty cool.

You know, as far as like recycling, they sort of went reverse Atlanta, who had a perfectly fine football and baseball stadium, and they abandoned both of them and built brand new structures that did not solve any problems whatsoever. Tony Romo is definitely using the fucking Grecian formula. My God. Did he, is he using, he's got galosh, whatever, whatever color that is, galosh is jet black, man. Um, anyway, Tony Romo should be in Tomorrowland though. They should have him in Tomorrowland, the way he can predict what the fuck's going to happen on a football field.

Can you imagine what Tony Romo could have done for the Cowboys if they didn't give him a new quarterback coach every fucking year he played for him? Um, I don't know. I don't even know if that's true. I don't know. Half the shit I'm saying is true. Let's get out of this, shall we? Let's, let's talk about Helix, everybody. Helix? Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides Taylor mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses, including a collection of luxury models, a mattress for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids, for the kids. Uh, take the Helix Sleep Quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes and your personalized mattress is shipped straight

to your door free of charge. Um, Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home. That's why they offer a 100 night risk-free trial. Why do I have the hiccups? Sorry. Um, interception, that'll be the game. Um, anyway, everybody is unique, everybody's special, but that doesn't mean you should comment on a YouTube video, but it does mean that you should get a mattress that fits you and your unique body type, right? And everyone sleeps differently. That's why Helix, Helix has several different mattress models to choose from. Each design for specific sleep positions and sleep preferences, plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. Plus Helix mattresses are American made. That's right.

Make my mattress in America. Give a fucking guy a job. Um, and come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the model. That's fucking great. They make them here. We make mattresses, we grow weed. I don't know what else we do. We don't make the Coke that tastes good, which is insane to me. They got to get the Mexican Coke. That actually has the real sugar in it. I don't understand how that's our formula. We actually came up with this shit and they're making it better than we can. Right? And people want to put a wall up. Oh, sorry. And remember you get to try it out for a hundred nights risk free. Um, if you don't learn it and I know you will, but if you don't, they will pick it up for you and give you a full refund. Oh boy. Uh, don't want to take my word for

it. Uh, Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and wired magazine. It is even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go to solution for improving your sleep. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helix sleep.com slash burr with Helix. Better sleep starts now. Uh, okay. This is somebody writing in. Oh, here's, here's a question I have for you guys. Are you married? Do you have a spouse? Does your spouse abuse you? Spousal abuse? Well, if they do, listen to another podcast because that's not what this is about. Um, do you sleep in the same bed as your, uh, as your husband or wife, you know,

here's my question. If you could be given the option because last night when we were Disneyland, we were sleeping in this room and it had like two like queen size beds or maybe even twins. And my wife and I slept in separate beds and we both were like, man, I just had a, that was a great night's sleep. And Nia was like, yeah, she goes, should we be like sleeping in separate beds? And I was like, I don't know, maybe. You know what I mean? Would you do it? If you, you know, some people like a big bed and they can handle it. Someone else is in it, right? But would you sacrifice? Sorry. I'm laying off coffee. Um, I haven't taken my old man nap. Um, would you take a smaller bed to sleep by yourself and you're not required to spoon with anybody or anything,

you know, but then that becomes a, if you bang, who's better, you're going to bang in and whatnot. I don't know. I will tell you this though. Uh, sleeping in a bed by yourself and your wife's in the room in a bed by herself is pretty fucking great. It's a very underrated experience. And the first thing I did was I made fun of it. Cause I remember back in the day when I would watch like the Brady Bunch and shows like that, when I was growing up, they, they couldn't show a man and the woman in the same bed, which is fucking hilarious. Cause they had six kids. Obviously they're fucking, right? But wait a minute. Those, they had three step kids and they're real kids. Obviously they fuck somebody else, but they couldn't even suggest it. So I don't know. That's

my question. Would you do that? Are you doing that? I have no idea. Um, all right, let's get to some of the questions here for the week. Uh, might not be your back. Oh, last week, last week. Oh, Oh, Billy threw out his back. Um, oh, my daughter said the funniest shit too. She went to jump on me like later on that day. And I was like, honey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was like, it's like, I threw out my back. She goes, no, you didn't dad. You didn't throw up on your back. How would you do that dad? You can't like, you know, I was just going, no, threw out my back. And she was thinking like, what does that mean? Why would you throw out your back? And it's like, it means I hurt my back. It's an expression. All right. So this person said, might not be your back.

Hearing your old bald groans brought me back to last summer. I've had back issues in the past that were usually cleared up by a visit to the Kyra practice. Last summer, the Kyra visit had no effect and it ended up being a kidney stone. Oh Jesus. The back pain that left me groaning on a heating pad went away and then came back with a vengeance a month later with the full blown stone attack. More shit to look forward to. All right. Well, I don't think it's that, it's an old football injury. It's literally the first time I threw out my back. It's the same one. You know, 40 years of this, I am familiar with this pain, but you know, I wouldn't rule anything out at my age. Is there an app that I can download to try to figure that out? I actually

saw one of the tailgate, Rose Bowl tailgate legends, Joe Bartnick passed a kidney stone at the fucking tailgate. You know, when you think you're a man, you then hang out with Joe Bartnick and you realize you're not. Oh, would you look at this? I've been talking films, everybody. This week, I'm going to watch Cooley High, which I've always heard of. I never, never saw it, but I happened to come across a song. It was that song that the boys demanded the cover of. So I'm going to watch that this week, but this person, I love any suggestions. For old school movies, I have a great one for you. A Dustin Hoffman movie called Straight Time. I brought it up about a year ago or so when I watched it. 100% recommend that movie. I got

another great one for you. That will be a good movie and a funny movie. It was about the probably, I wouldn't say the generation before me, but the kids that are about four, five years older than me, when they were coming of age in the 70s and they were building these housing projects out in developments, not projects, developments for people who wanted to get out of the city and the parents were like double income. It was the nuclear family, the first experiment with that, which was a complete failure, but a lot of, can somebody explain James Brown's hairline for me? Okay. Anyway, it's called Over the Edge. It stars a young Matt Dillon. There's a couple of the character actors

in there. The names escape me. That's the one that I always bring up that has the classic line in there, eat it, you stink and pig. That's a great one to enjoy. It's got a great soundtrack and also to kind of laugh at or whatever, but it is a good fucking movie. It's a good, you know what, that's a good movie to take an edible to and just fucking far out, man, and just watch it. Another great line, any kid that tells on another kid is a dead kid. All right, five greatest underground movies of all time. Hi, Bill. If you haven't seen these films, you are in for a treat. You'll fucking love them. I have, I have left trailers. I'm not a big, I don't like trailers. They show me too much. I'll start with the greatest film of all time in my humble opinion.

Apparently it was the second biggest box office film after Jurassic Park that year in somewhere like Sweden. It's called Bad Boy Bubby. I have no idea what this is about, but I will, I will watch that unless you're fucking with me and I'll still watch it. Yeah, let's see this guy in his fucking iPhone doing all his dumb shit. He's, he's, he's live Instagramming as we see mixing live Instagramming. Did Nate Burleson get a call at the last second that he had to go in and do some fucking playoff? Look at him. He looked like he was out. He's dressed like a tennis pro. All right, once were warriors, once were warriors. I thought it was once we were warriors. I saw that. That's fucking phenomenal film, phenomenal film. And I believe I actually worked with one of the actors

that was in that on the Mandalorian, if I'm not mistaken. Meet the Phoebe's. I have no idea what these are people, two hands and boy, I got a fucked up one. I can't remember the name of it, but someone will know the description and be able to figure it out. It was about mental illness. I was looking up underrated movies from the 1970s and somehow this one came up and this woman was hearing voices and shit. And at one point they're driving out into the country with her husband and they stop on this to look down basically at this cottage. It was a really beautiful view. So they got out of the car and the woman was looking at the beautiful view and he goes, that's our cottage down there. And she looked down at the cottage and when she looked

down there, she saw the car that they were driving already there and she saw herself standing down there looking up, staring at her. She was having a staring contest with herself and then the camera just sucks you in to her down. Now you're down in the house and all of this shit happens and then later on in the movie, she's looking back up at her. It was fucking wild. It was really wild. I don't know what the name of the movie is, but sorry. That was a long way to go, but I told you in the beginning that I didn't know what the fuck it was. You know, in my heart of heart, sometimes I feel Phil Sims and boomerous size and are actually the same person. They just take the glasses off and they comb the hair the other way.

I don't know. Convince me otherwise. They're far enough apart where you could green screen them in. The NFL is also and networks are cheap enough that they would only want to pay one person to do two jobs. So that's it. The Buffalo Bills are out of it. The Bengals are in and they're going to play the Kansas City Chiefs in a rematch, I believe, right? Didn't he beat him the last time he plays fucking Joe Burrow? What is his playoff record? It's got to be impressive. Any smoke cigars, you gotta love that guy. All right, National Embarrassment. For some reason, Phil, this is going to be about my stand-up act. Dear Bill Burr, Ball Baggins, I listened to your podcast for a few years now. I've enjoyed most of it.

All right, mom, I got a good average. You're still writing in. I got to be doing something right. I have enjoyed most of it. Let's see here, especially those wild Alaskan salmon. Well, you don't know what they're going to do, man. They weren't raised right. When the dad salmon doesn't hang around the kids, Sam, and they go wild, end up in a grizzly bear's mouth. Anyway, I'm a rugby fan and I've heard this argument about what if NFL players played rugby? How good could USA be then? Or even NFL rejects? I don't know, Bill, if you're, you know much about American rugby, but you guys suck. Yeah, we suck at soccer too, because we don't give a fuck about it. Those aren't our best athletes. This is so stupid.

This is like me trashing you because you guys aren't good at baseball. Come on now. All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here comes the old Roy. You're not good at Australian rules football. Anyway, you didn't even qualify for the upcoming 2023 Rugby World Cup. Hey, here's one for you, buddy. I didn't even know that was a thing. How about that? What else did we qualify for? The second annual tee and crumpet? Confessed? No one gives a shit about rugby over here. Failing to make it past Uruguay. Chile or the final attempt at qualifying against Portugal. For perspective, the third string of my local club team just beat Chile 40 to 3 in November past. This is no perspective. There is no perspective. You come from a country that cares

about rugby, is invested in it. You can make money as a professional rugby. You can't make money playing rugby in the United States of America. There's no money. There's no, there's nothing. It isn't even a fucking thing. But if it was a thing, our best athletes, just out of curiosity, what country are you from? And let's see how we did against each other in the fucking Olympics. You fucking tee, drinking, cunt. All right, for perspective, okay, that's how bad USA are at rugby. All right, now I'm thinking this is your second language. All right, my apologies to England. Yeah, buddy, we don't care about it anyway, but it gets even better in eight years. In 2031, the US will host the Rugby World Cup tournament

where in Wichita, who fucking paid for that? The best of all of the best will come to your shores to play and luckily for you guys, the host nation qualifies automatically. In eight years time, you Yanks will finally have the opportunity to put up or shut up or be embarrassed on the international stage. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you're not reading the tea leaves right. See, the reason why we suck at rugby is because that those are like as far as level of athlete that the United States offers, like they're not even in the conversation. Okay, so I, you know, I mean, have fun, you know, put up or shut up. I think what they meant was if an NFL football players like if Bo Jackson, the greatest athlete I ever saw, decided to play

rugby, he would fucking run you guys over. All right, I'm not saying you wouldn't have some tough guys and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but I would put, I would put our best athletes if they gave a fuck. If they were folk, what's what's your beating, sir, is the 30th tier level athlete in the United States of America. It's not a sport. We give a fuck. What are we supposed to dominate all of them? You know what, you fucking assholes around the world, you should be fucking happy that we don't give a fuck about soccer. You should be fucking happy because if we did, you guys would fucking most of you would be in trouble. All right, granted, the athletes that won it would be from Africa originally, but we would claim them as ours, but I believe you guys

do the same thing. Anyways, but we are coming, Bill, to outmuscle you, run you over and shove your face in the dirt where it should be. I have to be honest with you, dude. I don't know one rugby term. I hate, if you think you fucking assholes are going to be coming over here, you know what you're going to have when you come over here? I have filled stadium unless you play in like a 5,000 seater. Nobody gives a shit about, I like rugby. I appreciate it. My money would be on those guys down in fucking New Zealand, you know, with the greatest pregame of any sport I've ever fucking seen in my life. Anyway, okay, with the world watching and the best part is there ain't nothing you can do about it, buddy. Can you do me a favor? Can you remind me every day for the next eight

years that this fucking shit show is coming? So I remember it. That is fucking hilarious. All right. Now I want somebody from China to call in and say how much you guys kick our ass in fucking ping pong and that the national championships are coming in nine fucking years and you guys are coming and you're going to spank our Yankee fucking fanies with the paddles. I don't give a fuck. All right. All right. I just wish everything in the world was like that last email, you know, because I usually take the bait and I got to be honest with you. I hope you run our team over. I don't give, I don't even, what is the name of our team? Can we start with that? And since when has rugby had a fucking World Cup?

All right. Now I'm curious. I got to look it up. Rugby World Cup. All right. Rugby. Let me spell it. Rugby. Oh, why? Rugby World Cup. History. Okay. Rugby World Cup. The tournament was first held in 1987. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. All right. I'll see you in eight years, motherfucker. Anyway, am I the, maybe that was the whole point of that. I will be honest with you. When I, when I went over there, uh, one of those fucking times, I was watching the seven nations league or whatever. And what I loved about it was if you, if you had the worst record, you won,

they called it the wooden spoon. And I always assumed that meant you're a bitch, get in the kitchen like a woman and go make me a pot of soup, you know, some old school sexism shit. I don't know. I mean, I do enjoy it. And I also, I respect your passion, sir, but I got to be honest with you when you guys trounce us and you run around America like no one's going to know what you're talking about. Um, the World Cup and soccer just happened and it was the greatest final of all the time. And I forgot that it was on. Okay. And that's soccer. All right, rugby. I mean, Jesus Christ. Um, anyway, am I the asshole? You'll be great if the greatest rugby player in the world wore a rug, had a two pay just for the double level of that, you know, and then you

couldn't make fun of it, but everyone wanted to, but he was so tough, no one would. Um, am I the asshole? Dear strawberries, shortcake. Um, so here is my story. Just wanted to know if you think I was an ass or if this is funny. I guarantee you it's funny. Um, all right. In the early 90s, I worked mornings at a retail store. I would get off about one PM. That's a good job. Across the street was a dollar theater showing second run movies. Sometimes I would go see a show before going home. What are you fucking Lee Harvey Oswald? Uh, one day I go and I'm the only one in the theater. I'm thinking, hell yeah. Then just as the movie starts, five women come in. Oh, Jesus. And sit right in front of me in an empty theater. Of course they did. They are talking

the whole time all through the movie. Dude, whatever you said to them, you are not the asshole. At first I'm going to get up and move. Then I'm like, fuck that. I was chewing a big piece of hubba bubba bubble gum. So I begin rolling up these tiny balls of gum and down the line. I begin flicking them into their hair. I managed to evenly distribute two whole pieces among them without getting caught at the time. I felt this was the perfect revenge. These years later, all these years later, sometimes I wonder, go fuck yourself. Thanks for all the laughs. I mean, that was kind of a chick move to do something like that. You should have said something. I mean, why didn't you just say something? Were you afraid

they were going to beat you up? And why wouldn't you just be like, you know, hey, can you ladies do me a favor and just quit your fucking yapping? Did you have to sit in front of me? You dumb cunts. I mean, you could have said a bunch of things. What were they going to do? What were they going to do? This was pre UFC women, right? All right. Joe Perot is ridiculously jacked for a quarterback. And this really just annoys me how jacked he is. I gotta get in shape, man. All right, Bill, great emails. Please remind the listeners of the podcast. His, if you want to write in the Monday morning podcast, I want to hear some more shit talk from the 3% of the world's population that gives a

fuck about rugby. Monday morning podcast at gmail.com. That is the, that is the email Monday morning podcast, all lower, all lowercase at gmail.com. You can send in your questions and comments. All right, I will be honest with you. I actually love the sport of rugby. All right. And I like all of those sports. I like cricket. I like any shit. Australian rules, football. The reason why I can make fun of this shit is because I watch it. I like the Premier League. The only thing that I will say that I'm not a fan of is this new slap fight shit that people are doing. I just think nowadays with all the knowledge that we have about concussions and CTE and all of that, I mean, to just sit there and just let

somebody slap you that hard across the fucking face. Like how many times can you honestly do that? I mean, you look at like NFL enforcers and the amount of headshots those guys take and they're trying to prevent it. Here's one for you. I don't think there's a professional fighter out there that says that they would do that for a living. Just for the simple fact that you have to let yourself get hit that hard and you can't defend, you can't move your head or anything. You have to stand there. That's just, I just feel like that's just taken advantage of people that need money. I don't know why else you would want to do that. But maybe you do. I have no idea. So anyway, yeah, it was a great weekend, man. I was really sitting like the amount of shit

over the years, especially like comedians that I saw that had kids. This is my impression of going to Disneyland and they were doing that whole fucking thing of like, you know, standing in a line and then turning in directions and shit like that. I don't think it did suck though, is they do that big brother shit when they wanted to take a picture of you before you went in there and they go, don't worry, we get rid of it at the end of the day. It's like, no, you don't, you don't, you don't. So what I would recommend is you go in and you wear those fake lenses, the fake ones that color your eyes a different color so they don't do that retineth shit, whatever the fuck they're doing. I'm already in the system. It's too late for me.

All right. Maybe that's why Goofy kept skipping away from me because they didn't like what they found in their retineth skin. Other than that, man, it was, it was a great time and, you know, getting to see, you know, my daughter and her best friend, like, they were like freaking out the night before. They had so much energy. They were so frigging excited and that's like, literally, that's what the experience is, is watching them freaking out. Like, we went to breakfast and they're like, oh my God, this mini mouse, like, just losing their minds was just so awesome. And also, underrated, getting to go to something like that and I don't have to get on a fucking airplane. Here's the pro move, everybody. If you're from somewhere else,

fly into John Wayne. Do not fly into LAX. You want to kill yourself. Fly into John Wayne, a long beach, smaller airports, and then go over there that way and get yourself the turkey leg. I got a comfortable pair of sneakers. I didn't even go on Space Mountain. Like, that was the one. Space Mountain still is, I feel like, one of the iconic ones that's left. But I got to be honest with you, I don't fuck with, I don't fuck with six flags. I draw a hard line in the sand. I got stuck on a roller coaster with those guys and I also saw, I was at a six flags and a roller coaster rear ended another one of those fucking broken cheekbone. And I was like, you know what? I don't need to be doing this. This fucking park is open, what, 24, 7, 365? Just about.

They're running these rides. When do they have time to maintain them? When do they maintain them? When someone gets stuck on one? Maybe they don't. Maybe they're up on it. Maybe because you got to think, though. The odds are in your favor. Let's say something positive about six flags. They're running those fucking things all the goddamn times. The level of fatties that get on that fucking thing and it still goes and everybody gets back safe. All right, you know what? I judged you too fast, six flags. But I am, yeah, I'm all set on that. I'm all set on six flags. I don't mind flying past one. There's a great one up on the five, up by like Magic Mountain, whatever you call it. I like flying by that one. But as far as getting on them, I don't think so. All right, so we got

the Cowboys 49ers are next. I think the, I'm liking the 49ers, but everybody I know thinks the Cowboys. It makes sense that the Cowboy, no, I don't know. I think a good defense beats a good offense still. I still think that that happens. I'm hanging on to that, that that's going to happen. 10 killed, 10 wounded. Dude, what in the fuck is going on in this world? What is going on in this fucking thing? Keep fucking showing these things that I'm talking about. I'm a big believer and you shouldn't talk about that stuff. When that shit happens, just fucking, I tell the people that need to know, you don't tell anybody else. You don't glorify the person that did it. And I think it goes away. But I think if you just keep showing it, right, it's like,

this is like advertising for psychopaths. All right, that's sort of a dark thing to end on. But, you know, what do you want from me? What the fuck do you want from me? All right, that's old freckles. My condolences to the Buffalo, condolences to the Buffalo Bills fans. I was fucking rooting for you this year before that almost tragic event. I thought you guys had it. God damn it. I still think you're going to get one. I think you got, you know, you got everything in place. You just got to, you got to have the luck. You got to have all of that bullshit happen for you. All right, so next week, next week is going to be the Bengals versus the Kansas City Chiefs in Kansas City. Can Joe Burrow and the Bengals go in there and upset them again? I think that they

can. I absolutely think that they can. All right, that's it. Now they're showing pictures of this guy. This guy's still at large. Fantastic. What a fucking lunatic. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll see you. I'll check in on you on Thursday.