Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-24-11

Episode Date: January 24, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about booze, balding, and racism.

osi on the head on all on good morning what's going on it's bill burr it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday January 24th 2011 how the hell are you how you doing did you have a good week was the world nice to you this is a big day for me everybody this

is my 100th day and when I said I was knocking off the booze because I was starting to have a big bloated face I was like fuck this I gotta I gotta you know gotta get on the treadmill I gotta knock off the booze and I was trying to beat my previous record of going 75 days and this time I said fucking I'm going for an even hundred and the goal has been a cheap cheap cheap cheap I'm psyched I did it and tonight I'm going to the Bruins LA Kings game down at the stable Fena the most unfriendly fan fucking place you'll ever go to it's the haves the really haves and the have-nots I've broken it down for you

before you got all the corporate seats down low sitting next Diane Cannon Jack Nicholson and fucking Sissy Spacak we have it a fuck-else's down there all those douchebags sitting there with their fucking faces yanked back you know by the way how long is Jack Nicholson been going bald for it's just fucking unbelievable how long it took for that guy to go bald he lost one hair a day since 1972 so have you noticed that there's certain people it just takes for fucking ever unless they seamlessly went into a toupee but he's bald now but you know being someone who's balding myself you know I pay attention to that

type of shit and I pay a pen attention all these motherfuckers I see the receding hairline and all of a sudden it's not there the next movie I was like there you go look at that guy he went out and he got himself sort of scalped in a user-friendly way and then they receded the front I going out like that my goal in life I want to look like Clint Howard whoa it's not gonna end good for me yes I went a hundred days 100 days went a hundred days and yes and I don't know I'm afraid I'm scared everyone I'm afraid to start drinking again because I noticed that I just pick up where I left

off like I really learned about addiction during these last hundred days I realized how much shit I was you know not a addicted to to a level that it was like you know I was coming home and slapping my girl around you know getting on all fours growling at my dog as I peed on the stereo and then the next morning like I didn't do it I don't remember that well maybe I wouldn't drink if you weren't such a cunt you know I wasn't doing stuff like that I was just out having a good fucking time I like beer the way I like cake and cookies there's really no reason there's no reason to have cake or cookies there's no nourishment

that your body needs you don't need that much fucking sugar but I like it I like the fucking rush you know you're sitting there feeling gloomy I hate myself what am I doing remember when I was young and I just go out and play Frisbee and it was fun man it was simple right you get older you got all this debt you got all this bullshit everybody's fucking nagging you you get the blues so you go out you get a slice of cake right feeling like shit six bites of cake later you're like dude I am fucking awesome right you got that sugar rush going so that's what I realized I am I have a number of addictions I am addicted to

sugar not like you know I need an intervention but like I fucking crave it but if I lay off it for four days when if I don't eat any sweets for four fucking days when I look at a donut or a piece of cake it's like laughable like why the fuck would you eat that look at it yeah it doesn't even look like real food you know when you're off when you're fucking when you've kicked sugar when you look at a glazed donut just sitting there all fucking sweaty it just so it looks horrible it's like why would you do that to you see you know you look at all the frosting on a cake you make that face like you just sucked on a

lemon like Jesus Christ enough already that fucking cut downstairs just slam the door because I'm being too loud I don't care douchebag I fucking love old people but I hate that motherfucker downstairs I fucking hate that guy I hate that he's got that classic old person smell he doesn't he has a unique smell you know what he sounds he smells like a like a fucking if you lit a wet dog on fire okay if you did that that's what he smells like fucking miserable motherfucker those goddamn dockers the original dockers fucking Army Navy store shop and douchebag fucking miserable cunt giving me the stink eye

every time I walk up the fucking walk I can't stand the guy fucking hate him there I hate him I'll give a shit all right I die I'll fucking you know I'll argue that one in the afterlife I'll sit right there you know you drank it drove yes I did guilty as charged you treated a lot of women like shit you're absolutely right guilty as charged and you had a you had a poor opinion about the old man downstairs well let me tell you something Jesus you try living above that fucking cunt go talk to your dad he made him oh my god shut up you fucking hippie oh geez so anyways so tonight I am going to I'm gonna go watch the best

of the of the of the four sports the four major sports hockey is the best goddamn sport out there all right and I know a lot of you won't realize that because you never played it you never went to a game hence you don't know what you're talking about you know it'd be like me making fun of line dancing I've never done it you know I've never gone out and bought a pair of Wrangler jeans that were fucking eight dollars and nine sizes too small for me so they cupped my fucking bowls and got out there and stuck my hands in my pocket and did this little fucking that little oh my god that fucking line dancing can there be a

mass suicide amongst line dancers could that just fucking happen in the middle of one of your fucking cornball stupid ass fucking country music its country music is I don't even know what it's for it's for like pod people there's absolutely no soul in it what so it there isn't all right there angry red neck listening to this punching the dashboard of your Chevy s10 all right there isn't it fucking sucks and that line dancing we sit there with your fucking thumbs in your fucking pockets and you do that little I'm doing I'm actually I'm in Dallas Texas this week so let's let's go for big air on this

one we do that thing you fucking I wish I wish this was a vodcast which I'm not doing by the way so stop fucking asking me the great thing about this thing is you can listen to it while you're doing other shit right are you or are you not doing other shit right now well all right then are you or are you not pretending to be working right now looking at spreadsheets right you want a fucking plane huh what are your choices for food aren't you doing that as you listen to this well they quit your fucking bitching all right so anyways they do that stupid thing where they bend their fucking knees and the and I

can't even think of the fucking music right there's not other music goes and then they do that little thing where they're just one of their one of their feet all right the right foot we'll say the right foot it's just pivoting on the heel and the toes are face forward and then to the side and then back to the front ah then they do that little thing where they bring their fucking foot up and they spank the bottom of their foot all of them you know kills me about those people is they actually think that Jesus loves him I got news for you rednecks Jesus is looking the other way he's embarrassed he's coming his fucking

hair into his face when he watches you people line dance he is looking like that chick in the ring yeah so speaking of which I'm gonna be I completely forgot what the fuck I was talking about I know yeah I'm going to go into the hockey game tonight LA Kings vs. the Boston Bruins the LA Kings which who actually have a really good team I like that I like that dude Simmons it's fucking fast as hell and cobat ah what it's the greatest fucking game and I've actually been playing hockey recently ice hockey the real fucking deal and I'm excited guess what I learned how to do this week 42 years of age not married no

kids I learned finally learned how to stop on both sides but you know it's funny I have I have to go buy some more hockey stuff you know it's funny out here in LA I have to drive all the way down to like Orange County just to find some place that will sell hockey stuff but I have to even though I suck at the sport I just I'm just an old man and like it takes about four days that's how deep the bruises are after I'm done falling on the ice and like four days after I play I look like I've been beaten with a fucking bamboo cane I had a brutal one when I was in fucking Atlantic City last weekend doing the Miami Heat Tour of

Comedy by the way Atlantic City was so successful I just got an email today for an offer up in Foxwoods for April 30th so I will let you know as soon as I find out I might actually have an update right now wouldn't that be amazing right here on the fly as you listen to the Monday morning pog it's a fuck let's just keep the flow of this podcast going I think this was good I think it's one's gonna it's gonna be a good one we're almost 11 minutes in things are going well for some reason the voice seems way too loud on this thing what's going on with this anyways yes I fell on my fucking right-ass cheek and hip

last time we played before Atlantic City and it's one of those heels I kept pushing on it going I can't believe that didn't bruise it's it hurts when I touch it when I push my thumb into my little fucking right butt cheek it hurts right and then like four days later I'm in Atlantic City and I'm showering and I looked down and it looked like somebody threw a can of grape soda at me so I will be getting all of the hockey stuff which I really didn't want to do because I don't want to put it out there that I think I know how to play hockey because I don't I just enjoy it it's fucking fun it's a fast game the

only equipment I wear is I wear a helmet for my big fucking head and I wear the full cage in the front because I don't need any hockey scars you know with the sticks and all that shit why would I do that to myself you know like I'm gonna win a cup I need to sacrifice I was speaking to which I should probably wear a cup to right no lifting hang on a second we're going to the inbox did I get anything did I get anything nothing you motherfucker so anyways yeah so this so tonight actually tech technically I can start boozing this is the 100th day but I got to be honest with you I'm not gonna do it I think I'm gonna try to see

how long I can go with this I'm gonna wait till there isn't a there is a specific event where boozing makes sense and then I'm gonna knock it off then I'm gonna booze maybe what am I what am I gonna do honestly am I never gonna have a beer for the rest of my life I don't know how those people in AA do it that's like I have a weird sort of like respect for people in AA and I also have a disdain for them because I went to a couple of AA meetings not by choice the judge told me I had to go that's part of your sentence and I went there and yeah I didn't like it I kind of liked it I liked sort of the room but kind of like

the only aspect of church that I like I like going to church because it reminds me not to be a complete piece of shit but other than that all that stuff about hippies walking on water talking to bushes it just sounds like an acid trip and it's just it's just stupid and there's always a fucking leper how many fucking lepers were there back then Jesus Christ can't tell me you wouldn't have a fucking giant stick back in the day just for the lepers you know oh Jesus Christ said fucking smash them right there get the fuck away from me fucking leper what would Jesus do he has the ability to cure himself I don't

all right don't you think that that maybe that's why he was such a good shit because he's the son of God he knows he's going to heaven course he's doing the right thing it's so fucking easy to be a good shit when you can walk on water and touch something and it gets cured of course he's going up and shaking your hand you fucking freak get away from me I can't do that you're a leper fuck off now go cry to the son of God so anyways yeah so I would go to these these meetings these meetings and you know I don't know I believe in addiction and then other times I just think I don't think all those people addicts I

think some of them they're just weak I can't stop myself it's like you don't have like your brain tells your arm to move and pick up something and put it to your lips right did you guys like alcoholics you guys become like such an alcoholic like the bottles actually talking to you look at me I don't fucking buy into that shit you know goddamn fucking pussy alcoholics all right go drink a case of beer I understand it puke it up all right and then take you know a week or two off you don't do it every night you know actually I'm full of shit I 100% believe in that addiction thing and I

actually believe I actually now I now understand after watching the biggest loser every season I now realize yeah it is it is an addiction because every one of those people has some sort of psychological reason as to why they do it but wait a minute I'm not fat but I'm out of my fucking mind yeah yeah so fuck them all right all right sorry I had to work that out fuck those fat fucks hey fuck them I get sad and then I eat 24 cakes well how come nobody gets sad and they do setups what's the deal we're working out actually some people do that and that's one of the last shows they'll do gym addictions you know they'll

do something like that because I think they're out of boring jobs to try to make exciting have you seen that they actually have a show out there right now about people mining for gold you know I mean mining for gold obviously they still do it but it's like big business now they have these sophisticated machines that cut the tops off of mountains and then they grind them down like you did with your number two pencil in second grade trying to get down to the eraser right okay but nobody with a big bushy beard is squatting down like a Chinese gambler next to a fucking river with a goddamn dinner plate trying to

find gold but lo and behold they found 10 douchebags who were doing it and they decided to make it a show and they decided to fucking have what film these guys arguing each other and play this something dangerous is happening music underneath it and I'm sick of it all right fuck miners fuck people who make cakes for a living and fuck those goddamn crab fishermen you know nobody is making you go on that goddamn boat fucking idiots going out there risking your lives of a flounder you know just say what you do out loud for a living just say it out loud a couple of times to yourself I go on a fucking tugboat

okay and I risk my life to get to get king crabs so rich people have something crunchy to eat go fuck yourself JP Morgan you want crab go get it yourself what are your fucking options actually you know something I'm making fun I actually respect those guys because I have a tremendous tremendous fear of the ocean a huge fear people who go out and swim in the ocean you're out of your fucking minds you're out of your fucking minds I know I've said this before on the podcast but you know what I'm gonna say it again I don't give a shit I'm edgy I'm crazy they should make a show about me and my podcast and the

dangers of it you know and then me and Nia will have fake arguments you know we'll have shit like plugs or something will go wrong you know I don't know I don't have what where's my Olympus LS 10 I thought you were gonna have it then they'll cut to me you know so I want to go do the podcast and I couldn't find the Olympus LS 10 you know I mean I gotta get this podcast done by Monday or what the fuck's gonna happen if you notice that like I think the Orange County choppers they basically created the template for all those reality shows and now everybody does that shit the exact same thing that would happen on

that fucking motorcycle show with it where the summer be like and then we had a problem the the carburetor didn't fit or the carburetor wasn't here and then the bot like then the dad comes in you know I was going on the carburetor isn't here where the carburetor is and then he gets on there so might be fucking standing around I want you where the fucking carburetor is how fucking jacked is the dad on that show he could squeeze my entire family to death if he got excited enough so now they do that shit like it makes sense on the chopper show right bunch of mechanics they are they're wearing their greasy dickies

they got butt cracks hanging out death they're gonna yell and scream at each other right but the fucking idiots making cakes so we get a job we have to make a cake for the firehouse and I decided to do a cake that was shaped like a fire hydrant I wanted to do a fire hydrant motif with a little dalmatian you know peeing on the fire hydrant but Michael was like I don't think that we should bring urine into something that's gonna be in your mouth it was typical Michael just shitting on my creative process kill yourselves nobody cares nobody cares about you and your fucking cakes and I like cakes

huh you guys didn't know that about me did you let's see how will you 20 minutes in here 20 minutes into the fucking podcast should I do it should I do it I'm gonna be a class act here my condolences to the Chicago Bear fans and the fans in New York Jets the true fans the true sports fans the ones that don't talk shit the ones who are cool the ones who you you know you can actually have a conversation about football with my condolences go out to you believe me as a fan of Boston teams for my entire life I know what it feels like to be that fucking close and get kicked in the seeds again so my condolences congratulations

to the Steelers and the Green Bay Packers and I would like to open this dialogue this is something that bugs me about NFL football is is this I don't get why in every other fucking major sport they count championships from a hundred years ago like let's look at the Red Sox they won the championship in like 1908 or something when they had crazy legs McGee was playing fucking third base with his giant Ebenezer fucking mustache they count those the Red Sox count five World Series titles that we won from 1918 and before fucking Montreal Canadians they count Stanley cups that they won during that time too

all right the Yankees they count all their pre-depression era during the depression or whatever that's right when they started when they count all of those the fucking Celtics count this from the 60s the fucking Lakers count their championships their first two or three it wasn't even the NBA those are BBA championships their first four out of five championships were one before the 24-second shot clock even existed when you could win a basketball game like 17 to 12 they count those so my question for spots for sports fans is this why don't they count NFL championships why do they only count Super Bowls because

when you just count Super Bowls the Pittsburgh Steelers are the Yankees they're the Canadians they're the Celtics of football but it's bullshit it's fucking bullshit because the Green Bay Packers have won like 12 or 13 NFL titles and Super Bowls they've won three Super Bowls and like another eight or nine NFL titles that for some reason they don't count the Pittsburgh Steelers were in the NFL when Green Bay was winning all those titles so they had a shot at winning them you know it's as much as I give the Canadian shit going I you dominated a 16 league which isn't really true they were going tit-for-tat with the Maple

Leafs until 67 but the Bruins were in that original six so we should have dominated and we didn't so that's why I shut the fuck up when it comes to that conversation so can anybody out there tell me why don't they count NFL titles like I I don't I don't get that I don't get it that would be if you didn't count that in baseball you would have missed out on Babe Ruth Mickey Mantle Joe DiMaggio none of that none of that would count Bill Russell wouldn't count it's fucked up I think it's bullshit and I think it's I think the other I want to go to I love sports history I want to go to an Eagles game and I want to see

1960 NFL champions and I'm not giving the Eagles fans shit I'm just they should have that up there the Cleveland Browns wanted and like I don't like 63 or 64 with Jim Brown the Bears won one with Mike Mike Ditka and what's his face there Dick Buckus right they won it the Green Bay Packers won a few then the Colts with Johnny Unites you know the ones that they won the greatest game ever fucking played Yankee Stadium Giants vs. the Colts 1958 the overtime fucking victory right they don't count any of that shit it's it's disrespectful to the athletes that played those were the best of the best at least white

guys for most of those years but seriously there was only one professional league so the talent pool was even greater than and they they don't they don't count it and I think it's fucking bullshit and I'm hoping that somebody talks about that considering you have the most successful team since the Super Bowl era and then you have playing the most successful team in NFL history they have won in every era except for the 70s and 80s I guess they didn't want a championship in the 2000 but they've been competitive or whatever you know I don't know speaking of which you know do you guys

realize that right now Brett Favre is getting sued sort of the shit this is how fucked up the world is right now Brett Favre is getting sued by the by two masseuses because he tried to get some sort of sexual favors afterwards and they're they're they're suing for that do you understand that let me say that just one more time Brett Favre is getting sued by a masseuse two masseuses is that how you say it masseuse says mousse's two masseuses for asking basically to you know to bang them at the end of it they're suing him can you fucking believe that I just it's fucking this that would you know what that's

like that's like me suing a comedy club because I got heckled it comes with the job there is not any masseuse any female masseuse out there that listens to this podcast are you honestly gonna tell me that you that you've been rubbing guys backs and their legs and their chest and all that and you've no one has ever asked you for a fucking handjob at the end of it it fucking comes with the territory that's like being a cop ensuing the city because you got shot at all right you fucking put hot oil all over a guy's body and you rub everything but their dick I mean give me a fucking break your goddamn cock teases yeah

people are gonna ask you to rub one out okay and if you had a shred of fucking decency you'd do it you'd complete the goddamn job all right because your sign says full body massage all right last I saw my dick is still part of my body all right you know what they'll you know what masseuses are like they're like the fucking quarterback who can't get it done you know just always comes up a little bit short they should fucking interview him afterwards so you know like what happened in there you know I just didn't just didn't get it done you know it's like right there all it do is just reach out grab it and I

just uh you know we didn't want it we didn't want it as much as they wanted it that's just like just that's such a classic piggyback lawsuit it's like once that first stupid whore you know gave Brett Farve shit this is very interesting that I've noticed about whores once one comes out of the wood work then all of a sudden 20 come out of the woodwork you know and then they always try to paint it as well we were too scared we were scared fuck you you were you're trying to make money and you're trying to build on the momentum of the other case that's the female version of pulling a train on somebody

you know the guy version is you know you and 80 of friends bang the same girl the female version is you know you're a fucking whore and you're just waiting for a whore to sue a guy that you fucking banked and then you fucking you draft in right behind their lawsuit okay like one of those fucking fairies that rides in that bike race out there in in in France that just pissed some people off actually you realize that the level of cardio that you need to compete in that sport is 10 times that of a professional hockey player that's when you know you're watching a sport that no one gives a shit about when you have to

really start bringing out like science they did a study the heart rate of the average highlight player go fuck yourself why don't you take that highlight thing and just fucking cup your nuts your taint in your asshole and carry yourself out of here why don't you do that did that make sense is that what they do with the highlights sticks or is it shaped that way it's sort of a you know a user-friendly bike seat that you can rock up and down on you know what I think it's time to read some questions for this week I'm gonna say I've exhausted all improv skills at this point oh first thing I want to tell you guys can you

guys do me a huge favor if you're on Facebook there's some douchebag pretending to be me on Facebook just don't add the guy he has a Celtics logo I don't know what he's doing he's not doing anything malicious he's just pretending to be me and it's really weirding me out I mean I don't know what he thinks he's good I mean I can't get laid off of Facebook so I don't know what this well maybe he's got better typing game than I do you know but I just don't want that shit to be added to my file down there in Houston you know all right there's a lot of question out there about you know things that happen within society especially

you know this this is something that I think a lot of white people need because not because we're more racist than anybody else we just get just the the consequences of us fucking up is so much harsher than other people because you know we are the gold standard when it comes to racist we are in the driver's seat right now we have been in the driver's seat for a while basically meaning that if we are ignorant assholes it has way more effect than when other people are you know back in the day when other people were running shit that's the thing whoever's on top if you're thinking ignorant that's what that's why

you know if you're on top and you're thinking ignorant shit you have to be called on it because just because he because the effect that you can have you know what I mean like if somebody from Bangladesh fucking hates me that's such a stupid example okay that's not a race of people I don't even know what Bangladesh is and I gotta be honest with you I don't even know if that's a city or a country Bangladesh have ever seen that on the prices right you know in showcase showdown we're selling you to Bangladesh and some white trash person like myself to sit with the confused look on their face like I don't know

where that is is that where the terrorists are I don't want to go there whatever like a Filipino people fucking hate me that doesn't affect my life it doesn't I'm not gonna go into a job interview at you know Walmart is not run by Filipinos you know I mean you know not saying there's anything wrong Filipinos all right see we'll see what I have to do right there's a white person not saying I'm saying anything bad about Filipinos just be clear here I have never had issues I don't have a problem I'm fucking all that shit you gotta go to the Jerry Lewis voice there lady so yeah people have questions so here we go

and I think all races to chime in the questions that you have if you have feelings about a different race of people and you just think out you're thinking something funny there's nothing malicious but is this offensive is it racist this is this is the new topic okay and if you feel that I answer these questions like the ignorant white man that I am call me out on it here so here we go this first one Bill isn't racist to call Indians Dibba dabbos and I'm talking about the Asian ones not Native Americans I'm guessing by Dibba dabbos you mean Dibba dabbos you're saying like that Dibba dabbos isn't racist

probably but it's fucking funny so that knocks it down a little bit this is what I feel that makes something like racist it's like like the reason why that one isn't as offensive is because we haven't we never enslaved them that's the reason why white and black shit is so sensitive is because of the shit that we did to them but we haven't really fucked with those people you know so if the black version of that was is it is it offensive to call black people whatever yes that would be if you did some sort of mocking of the way they spoke yes that would be that would be offensive if some CEO was giving a speech and I was

driving actually I was having someone else drive my town car and we drove by a group of y'all motherfuckers and they proceeded to walk towards yeah you'd have to apologize so I guess yeah I guess technically Dibba dabbos like that would be that would be offensive is it racist this is what I really I really it's hard for me to say because it had it's what's in your heart you know because I make fuck I really I make fun of everybody you know I mean I play a game out here when someone is making let me ask you I got question for you is this racist I have a game out here when I ride around with Nia and she does not

approve of this to keep her in the clear she does not approve of this when somebody makes a moronic move in front of me you know driving you know just makes a fucking horrific move I play a game called old or Asian and you have to guess when because I'm gonna pass the person because I got to see what they look like you know whenever somebody does something fucked up some comedians do a great joke about that you just want to see what the fuck they look like right that's the game old or Asian so as I speed up my little hybrid to try to pull parallel to them I always say what do you say Nia what are you going with

older Asian what do you got older Asian she goes I'm not playing this game that's mean and then I was gonna go with old and then I pull up oh it's fucking Asian you know or oh I nailed it it was an old guy so is that racist I'm sure it's offensive but within the context of my own car you know I'm not yelling at anybody and I got to admit you know there's a lot of truth in the fucking game Jesus I'm gonna have to apologize next week on the podcast so I would say that Indian people why don't you chime in I would say that yeah that they would find that they would find that offensive is it racist let me see if I can use it

in a sentence here hey you know I called up customer service and you know one of those nibbidaba's answered and tried to tell me that his name was Steve and act like he was in Kentucky but I know that he was actually in India because what he talked to was going double what how could I help you is it racist probably you know what something bad has to happen between white culture and or Western culture in Indians so you know what I mean it's like it's like you're playing a team and there's no rivalry like Patriots vs Jets this year was like whites and blacks it was bad it was a lot of hate you know but like Patriots

vs like the fucking Lions you know yeah there's gonna be some shit time it's knocked out but it still hurts if somebody says something mean I don't I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about all right let's move to the next one the next one on the new controversial topic on the Monday morning podcast is it racist all right here we go Bill I had an interesting experience today apparently involving me as a racist I was walking with two of my co-workers who are both black oh geez here we go we were going to go get some lunch one of my co-workers who are most of friends with did a little high-five

fist bump shuffle with one of the female security guards at the front desk knowing both of them and how they interact with one another I kind of made a in passing comment to the tune of man you guys in your handshakes while obviously laughing laughing while obviously laughing at just how choreographed it was and more or less picturing them in a studio or something working out the logistics to get the fucking handshake perfect anyways we all laughed and moved on and we got our lunch all right so nothing wrong yet so you're cool with these people you made a joke and everybody laughed no problems

no problems so far however after coming back through secure back through security I noticed a security guard stopped me and kind of had a scowl on her face I thought she was mad at me for something but it turned out she was mad at this other lady who was black because she overheard my comment and was telling that security guard that she couldn't believe I had the nerve to say something like that and I should be ashamed also to the point where she could almost to the point where she could actually go complain to the human resource people because she was offended etc without

even considering that maybe just maybe I was talking about the security guard and my co-worker and not all black people now it being corporate America and all I'm sure rather than even face the past possibility of any bad press they'd rather just sweep me out the door and completely ruin my any reputation I may I may not hold at the company just to save their own asses I feel I did nothing wrong and had no intentions of ever doing anything wrong or anything wrong I'm not going to go on and on about how I kiss black babies and try to rehabilitate inner-city schools because I don't but I'm certainly not some corn

fed rebel flag waving ignorant product of what might be incest I guess my question is do we really have to walk on eggshells when we are just making casual conversation that just any that just any cunt can pick apart select the context that they might think it is in and then start crying foul basically I would have liked to call that woman a cunt and told her to go fuck herself but let's just say I was already kind of worried about my job all right see yeah I think this is this is the classic one where you were fucking around the other two people knew you were fucking around but then one person just decides to get

offended and then you have to go on TV and apologize which personally I think is the wrong move because when you apologize now it's like you're you're admitting that you meant it in a bad way I mean the apology I would do that say look you know I'm sorry that you didn't understand that I was joking but I'm not gonna sit here and apologize like I have any any sort of ill will come in your way you know but I but just to avoid the problem in the future white people do not use the expression you guys or you people when talking about black people that's just it's just not gonna you're you're setting yourself up for

someone to get offended and there's a weird sort of push-pull going on with that whole you guys and you people thing where when somebody white says that there becomes this concern of that you're separating you're separating like you know you people over there without you live your lives and we're over here black people have that weird relationship with white people where they're like you know can you stop stealing our fucking music and our culture and but then like if something you know hey let's pave the streets you know well make sure you do it in our neighborhood we're all in this together right all of us together you

know what I mean so that's that weird sort of fucking push-pull thing going on so yeah just avoid avoid the whole fucking yeah you fucked up you didn't fuck up but you left yourself open for a sucker punch by saying you guys you know that's I guess that that's what it is I don't know that's that's that's my I'm basically a white guy telling a white guy how he fucked up so black people if you listen to this thing please please help me out here did I basically get it right is that essentially it and I know most people wouldn't get offended but that that's one of those things like that girl getting offended and then you

got to worry that you're gonna lose your job it's like those fucking piggyback horse who massage guys for a living you know some of those masseuses they'll actually come to your house and give you a full-body rub down with oil okay and then have the fucking nerve to get upset that you try to get a handjob at the end of it you know give me a fucking break why don't you fucking masseuse broads man the fuck up and start rubbing one out is it that goddamn hard no pun intended is it that fucking difficult to just fucking you know it's like you're revving a motorcycle that's it that's all you got to do up and down up and down

with that dead fucking oil you in and out you want that house on the hill sweetheart there's a price to pay all right and when a quarterback who owns every fucking record good and bad in the goddamn universe asked you to rub one out goddamn it you fucking rub one out well maybe you don't blog in this business sister that's right stare at your fucking manicured toes pedicured whatever the fuck you're supposed to say Jesus Christ mean-spirited all right so there you go that's the new that's the new topic is it racist and I would love to hear some honest comments from non-white people about their thoughts you

know the fucked up ones too okay because I've watched enough Spike Lee movies to think that evidently it's just us but I've hung around enough people from different races to realize oh yeah everybody's like this everybody has their little fucked up thoughts you guys ever see that Broadway play they got that song everybody everyone's a little bit racist what is that the alphabet city one whatever the fuck it's called I actually enjoyed that actually went to a Broadway musical and there was puppets in it and I had a great time about that what does that say about me all right let's get on with advice advice for this

week all right advice bill let me set this one up for you because it gets a little complicated over there I went to a New Year's Eve party with my best friend of 13 years oh Jesus oh by the way this guy uses so many fucking names I'm just gonna use the names all right I know I don't name names but fuck this guy there's like 15 fucking names and then he goes back to the first name back to the seventh name so fuck it I'm naming names all right so here we go I'm suspending that rule much like they suspended the salary cap and NFL football this year same way all right all right Bill I went to a New Year's Eve party

with my best friend of 13 years Mach I got really drunk and hooked up with my friend John's ex-girlfriend Anna John and Anna had dated for two years John broke up with Anna back in September rather harshly and immediately started banging other girls Anna and I also work together oh Jesus and we've become good friends here we go so hooking up seemed inevitable our friends have even joked about it hey if you guys like fucked each other yet you guys want to get wings anyway I've been dating this girl Sarah since October we never got too serious we kind of agreed to take a break when she left to go to London for

spring semester Mach's girlfriend who happened to be a cunt is best friends with Sarah all right are you like me are you already lost are there too many fucking names here let's go back to the beginning Mark and I got really drunk though I went to a New Year's Eve party with my best friend Mark I got really drunk and hooked up with okay Mark's his friend John has the ex-girlfriend all right it's like a fucking mini series I had to show you clips from last week so anyways he's dating some cunt named Sarah they agreed to take a break and the girl you're taking a break with is best friends with your friend's girlfriend

Mark okay I got it all right I'm up to speed here so at this party Anna and I this is John's ex Anna and I get pretty drunk and start making out none of our friends were there except for Mach Mach saw it and got upset you fucking pussy and just had to leave oh my god really like some 15 year old girl exactly Anna and I went to her place and proceeded to do some stuff we didn't bang that night but oral sex and whatnot was traded and we passed out we both agreed that nobody needed to know what happened I went to Mach's house later New Year's Day and said nothing happened with Anna and I Anna and I and by the way we just made

out I figured that was enough for him to know not to tell anyone especially his fucking girlfriend neither of us brought it up for the next four days and it seemed like everything was fine a couple of days passed out of nowhere Mach asked me if I was going to tell John that Anna and I made out I was sort of taken aback as you should have been sort of taken aback by the question but I told him I hadn't planned on it he said he wouldn't tell John if I didn't because he didn't want to be a bad friend all right good man I told him that it wasn't a big deal that we just made out and he was being a huge bitch that was a bad move on your

part even though he was being a huge bitch you shouldn't have said that all right because he's acting like a fucking chick right here and hell has no fury like a woman scorned and you just scorned that fucking bitch man right there all right so you can guess where the fuck this is going okay and then asked him if he told his girlfriend about it and of course he said yes when I asked him why the fuck he did that he said because I needed to know if I should tell John Jesus Christ I proceeded to call him a bitch good man and let him know how much of a bitch move it was to tell his girlfriend especially since he

acted like everything was fine for four days yeah this guy is beyond a pussy this is the kind of guy who like you know does he like bake brownies see one of those guys who like doesn't mind going shopping with his fucking girlfriend yeah it's funny that I just said that I actually I'll bake brownies in a fucking second such a fucking hypocrite all right let's finish this all right nobody needed to know about what happened and now he told his girlfriend Sarah this isn't my fault once again he fucked up to sentence nobody needed to know about what happened and now he told his girlfriend Sarah would definitely find

out I knew Sarah wouldn't care about me drunkenly hooking up with Anna but it's still something she didn't need to know oh Sarah's the fucking twat it went to Europe somehow I was able to leave mox house without beating the shit out of him I called John who was spending winter break in El Paso and told him what's what happened he said he didn't really give a shit and agreed it was fucked up for Mark to say anyone anything to anyone especially his girlfriend when I told Mark he could have asked anyone else about whether or not his bitch ass should tell John what happened he said he asked his girlfriend so he

could get a serious opinion is that being told to keep your fucking mouth shut you little girl from either one of you either one of our ten or so close guy friends wouldn't have been a serious enough opinion anyways I just needed your validation on how much of a bitch Mark was about the whole thing also Anna and I decided to start sneaking around and are banging each other no harm no foul feel free to add on to the story of me when you read any podcast yeah dude yeah that's yeah that guy right there that guy you need to cut out of the loop okay that is that's it you you forfeited your fucking guy card it's over you

can't be trusted you think like a woman which is fine it's nothing wrong with thinking like a woman but just go hang out with a bunch of women now what a fucking ah do the amount of shit that has gone down that I have fucking I have so buried in me that I don't even remember it the amount of fucking shit is ridiculous and I don't even bring it up when it's me and just the other dude who did the dirty shit I'll fucking bury it in a second I know exactly how to do it when I meet your fucking wife or your girlfriend I'll fuck yeah fucking look you right in the eye hey sweetie how are you you look great you've been going to

the gym that's fantastic I'll tell you guys such a sweetheart God damn it the other day there was a cat stuck in the trees the first guy up the even wait for a ladder he just started climbing up there what a swell guy even if it's a dick even if it's a fucking dick what I'll then do is I'll just avoid his girlfriend but I'm not fucking bringing up dude that guy really needs to go get his fucking tubes tied what a fag all right YouTube YouTube videos of the week YouTube all right this one is fucking absolutely insane and if this was made by white people this would actually be considered racist on some level but it

was actually made I don't know if it's Japanese Chinese people whatever the name of the video is how to poop and it is an animated cartoon teaching children how to go poopy in the toilet and it is fucking insane it's fucking insane it's great if you really have a problem in your life that is just weighing on you and it's sucking the energy out of you and you just need to clear every thought from your brain please watch how to poop just go to the mmpodcast.com we got all these videos this that's the official fan site of the Monday morning podcast just please go and watch this thing it's fucking awesome we got really

good I got three really good YouTube videos this week the next one is this guy made a Federal Reserve music video that you have to see it's he's doing basically a song parody of the police's song every breath you take it's fucking great the guy actually has a really good voice this is fucking funny as hell another great one and then the last one is it's just a highlight video of Jim Brown and there's so many fans that say Jim Brown is overrated and he couldn't play in today's NFL you just look at this highlight reel the balance and the power that this guy has is it's unfucking he's like running sideways half the time

or running backwards just plowing over people the combination of balance and power is like it's it's foreshadowing to Earl Campbell Earl Campbell's the only guy I've seen with like runs like this and for everybody who thinks Jim Brown couldn't play now you're you're a hundred percent wrong and I know what you're gonna do you're gonna look at how tall he was and how much he weighed and say he would get crushed in today's NFL that's the wrong way to look at it if you took Jim Brown and you put him in the modern era what you have to do is also give him all the modern nutrition all the modern sports science and all of that

so he would look like today's NFL football with his with his skills is God given strength and balance and he would fucking tear up the goddamn league go fuck yourself I don't want to hear another argument I'm sick of people bringing up fucking guys from nowadays where they're taking fucking horse tranquil tranquilizers and you tell him he would have dominated in 1950 I would have dominated in 1950 somebody 50 years from now could dominate the NFL right fucking now yeah it's called advancement Jesus fucking Christ morons all right overrated underrated for this week overrated every minority and woman

in commercials playing the straight man to the dumb white guy I'm not racist or misogynistic in the least bit but enough is enough dude that's fucking hilarious and that's another thing that that's not minorities or women's fault that's because of all the fucked up shit white people have done and we don't want to get sued that's why they're doing it not because they're trying to be sensitive to other sexes or other races they just make the white guy be the stooge at all these fucking commercials because they don't want to get sued but yeah it's starting to get annoying there's always like the black guy shaking his head as

the fucking white guy slamming himself in the face with like a fucking rake that's not the way you do it that was actually a man woman one remember that one where the woman sit there at the computer and that their husband is outside fucking he's got a guy there's a beehive and he's taking taking like a broom handle and he's shoving it up the fucking beehive and then he gets stung and she's sitting there rolling her eyes like oh my husband he's a fucking retard they do that between men and women and race and the fucking the white dude always has to be the moron but I mean you know it is what it is but you

know you should be happy white person who wrote that that they have that that's the way they balance it out you know you're still winning so quit your fucking crying alright also overrated in real life and not what I see on TV is the female carpenter or construction worker I get I get that you've got to make up and try harder for all the bullshit you deal with for fuck's sake crack a smile for once in your life I really don't know what he's bitching about there female construction workers don't smile enough alright underrated the PJs Eddie Murphy was brilliant and the claymation was the shit back in the day why the

fuck don't why the fuck that show isn't on DVD is a crime to all comedy one of the few shows that is actually better with closed caption on number two real musicians anybody remember these people that naturally play actually play their instruments and none of that fucking auto tuner sampling machine and turntables all of those are not fucking instruments well I mean you know I've actually come to a place where I can I can understand the brilliance of being able to take pieces of so I think the way that the Beastie Boys did it on Paul's boutique where you took like 10 or 12 different samples looped them together

and created a new song I mean there is there that is a talent you know turntables that's just I don't get that shit that's just I don't understand that I'm too fucking old to get that and I don't get it I don't get mashups I've bitched about that before mashups are the emperor's new clothes of music okay all you have to do is pick two songs that are the same tempo okay same beats per minute then the lyrics will fit on that other one then all you have to do is just one that where the lyrics fit the mood of the new music you're putting it over that's not that fucking difficult if you got sad sort of music pick another sad fucking

song and just stick that music under those sad lyrics as long as the tempo is the same yeah it's gonna work out dude he took jingle bells and blended it with Santa Claus is coming to town what else do we got road trip road trips with your fucking bug buddies never gets old that's that's absolutely true that's why the hangover was such a great fucking movie real lemonade not that coke and Pepsi packaged garbage but real shit with fucking pulp and flavor I like this guy this guy's into old shit you know a pen and paper not this fucking laptop or shit I don't remember my laptop ever crashing I've actually said

that all right that's it that's the podcast for this week everybody I hope you had a great week and once again I'm looking forward to the the Steelers Green Bay championships and do me a favor bring up all Green Bay's NFL titles I would really like to try to start an underground debate about that because I want them to start counting NFL titles and I want to see NFL franchises fly those NFL championship flags you want it you know I think the AFL one should fly those flags it's part of the history if you're a fucking nerd like me I like that type of shit I'm actually reading a book right now called the greatest game

by Richard Bailey somebody gave me this book and it's actually about the Bucky Dent Red Sox that one one day playoff game and you know that's a great thing about the Red Sox finally winning a World Series and then winning another one I can actually sit back and read this book and it is it's a fucking great read it's a great read I recommend it all right that's it that's a podcast for this week everybody have a great week I'm at the Improv and Addison Addison Texas this week and what else do I got coming up let's go on my website hang on one second come on guys hang in there don't shut it off just yet don't shut it

off just yet all right then I'm gonna be at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank New Jersey on February 18th and I'm gonna be at the new Jesus Christ I mean the Terry Town Music Hall on the 17th of February Miami Beach we have a new theater they had me booked in another one but they had already booked another act there so they had to switch it up I'm actually gonna be at the New World Symphony Theater on 17th Street Miami Beach Florida on the 4th of March the Tower Theater in Philadelphia look I got a bunch of new dates on the website Tower Theater in Philadelphia on April 9th and this is the last one here I'm gonna be

at the PAPS fuck it out Jesus Christ the link didn't work I'm gonna be at you I was having such a great podcast too on April 22nd I'm gonna be at the PAPS Theater in Milwaukee Wisconsin and right off the bat I just want to tell you I'm blown away about how many tickets sold the first day Milwaukee was one of those cities where I was like you know I don't know I don't know I don't know if I'm gonna sell tickets there you know it's not like New York it's not Chicago it's not LA you know so it's not one of those kinds of cities but I don't it doesn't strike me as a get-or-dude kind of city either it's one of those middle ground

ones so I don't know where the fuck I'm gonna fit in it so I want to thank everybody in Wisconsin who went out and bought tickets especially oh you know what somebody sent me a fucking email if I can just from Escanaba Michigan saying they were coming all the way down because they remembered back in the day I played a college up there in the upper Peninsula of Michigan and they said I went up in front of 17 people in a cafeteria and evidently I killed so the fact that actually put on a show in front of 17 people see how see how that new comedians if you're listening to this podcast those fucking shows matter years

later they'll actually show up if you give them hell in front of 11 people doing a nooner in the upper Peninsula Michigan I actually fucking remember that gig I did a couple of gigs up there that's an amazing group of people who live up there I like how they embrace winter they really have no choice but they actually get real fucking snowstorms you know when you come out you open your door you know and you get buried by like nine feet of fucking snow you're walking down the street on your snow shoes and you're stepping over like frozen elk right you know and they just they just they embrace it as opposed to

all the pussies down here every time there's four inches of fucking snow every goddamn fatty is running down to the fucking supermarket like they're gonna starve to death I just want one news guy during all that insanity we're gonna get six to eight inches it's like do you realize six to eight inches of snow it that would barely reach the average person up to that calf and considering you can last about 35 days without food as long as you have water okay and snow is water stick it in your mouth see what happens all right you're gonna be fucking fine all right so sit tight all right there sport that's what

I want them to say I want I want them to just fucking sit there and watch the weatherman losing his fucking mind all excited that he's the focus this week on the goddamn fucking newscast right well that night on the newscast and then when they go back to the anchor who's fucking the co-anchor because he's the goddamn alpha male I want him to dress down that fucking the goddamn weatherman four inches of snow Jesus Christ I could stick my dick in that you could still see the shaft the fuck are you talking about go fuck yourself all right that's it that's a podcast for this week you guys have a great weekend

yeah go fuck yourselves don't take any shit I'll see you in the berging in the keuken in the living they're really over all the empty batteries but now we're going to the finish brings it to a b-batt ensemble point you find there always one in your neighborhood on b-batt.be summer is ciclera better for the nature and for all of us campaign in together working with the ovum