Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-25-16

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

Bill rambles about the Patriots loss, the Bonzo Bash and the world's poop.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you'd like to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members will get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. How are you? Ah, you know how I'm doing. I'm not doing good. Ah, everybody in Denver is settling in with a big fucking smile on your face, aren't you? Ah, you fucking pot-smoking cunts with your goddamn hemp ponchos. Congratulations to the Broncos. They deserved it right out of the gate.

You know, we took the ball, they stopped us, and I remember when they scored in the first drive, I was like, that was disturbingly easy. And, you know, they just, we have, they just, Vaughn fucking Miller. I mean, if he was in the backfield any quicker during the game, he'd be taking the fucking snap. I mean, it was brutal. We just didn't have any answers on the offensive. And that's what did it, not the fucking field goal and not us going forward and forth down. I can only imagine what they're saying. I'm doing this Sunday night. I can imagine the sports talk radio that they're second guessing, Bill Belichick.

Yeah, second guessing. Yeah, second guessing. It's just Bill Belichick. Oh, what are you? Yeah, you're the other fucking, you've never coached on any fucking level. They right now, why didn't they kick the field goal? Then when they would have been in by five and they grew up, can't you see touchdown pass? And they're up by fucking there. I love how people think like, like something earlier in the game, if they just did this, that that doesn't change everything after that. I mean, how many fucking back to the futures do they have to make that you see if you change one thing,

that it changes everything else. So if the Patriots did kick the fucking thing and we got to within five and when we got the ball back, the fact that a touchdown would put us ahead rather than us being down by eight, they would have had a completely different fucking defense. Okay, before they fucking do all of that second guessing shit, you know, fucking Verzi was going, dude, I said, I was saying, I was saying when they did it was dumb. Oh, did you non-coach Verzi? Yeah, I'm gonna listen to you as opposed to fucking Belichick.

When they did it, I was like, I love the, I love the call going for it. We weren't able to move the fucking ball at all on offense. The entire fucking game, the only reason why we had a touchdown was because they had that fucking lateral. And even then, then we missed a fucking extra point. It just, it wasn't our day. Even when we had got a gift, we fucked it up and then we gave it right back with a pick and then they scored. But yeah, we weren't able to move the fucking ball. Every time Brady went back, there was somebody in his face, you know, chomping at the fucking, his legs as he was trying to throw the fucking thing,

you're that close. I, I, I agreed with going for it. It didn't work out, but you know, that's how life is sometimes. So, but it was a great season. And for what they accomplished with all the injuries and all that type of shit. It was amazing. And I gotta tell you, I am, I'm definitely rooting for Peyton Manning. I'd like to see him go out like John Elway.

It'd be pretty cool for another guy in the Broncos does that. But then you also, you got to love Cam Newton, you know, Jesus Christ. The only guy I know like about Cam Newton is one more person tells me there's nobody having more fun than him. I'll tell you right now, there's nobody having more fun than Cam Newton. Cam Newton, he's like a kid on Christmas. He's like, uh, he's like a kid with a second birthday. He's like, I get it. He's having fun.

He's also totally fucking hamming it up and making sure his next sneaker deal would be, it will be even 10 times what the fuck he has right now. Let's not just, let's not be totally naive here. It just act like everything he's doing is just because he loves playing the game. He wasn't this fucking animated when he was at, uh, uh, fucking Auburn. I used to watch those games. Root against, I used to root against him. So I would watch and I was, he wasn't doing all that shit. But then again, he couldn't get paid or at least legally he couldn't get paid back then.

So, you know, what was the point of dancing every time you fucking. I love when that one guy fucking, uh, they, they threw the screen pass and he ran all the way to the other side of the field. By the time he gets there, Cam Newton runs in with him and kind of fucking jumps in on that guy's Super Bowl, Super Bowl, his touchdown celebrate celebration. And then the cameraman is just following Cam Newton for the rest of the time. And, um, in my, uh, in my business, that's, uh, that's called, uh, not, not stealing a scene. It's called, uh, Jesus Christ. I don't do enough acting to even know stealing a scene is when you're better than the other person upstaging somebody. He was upstaging him.

So, um, I just don't need anybody else telling me how much fun Cam Newton's having. I get it. He's having a good time, but he's also completely hamming it up because when he does, he makes a zillion dollars. However, as crushing as the Patriots loss was like, I literally had to, I had to go for a walk after they lost. Um, and I gotta tell you, I felt like we were going to lose that game. You know, sometime in the second quarter, I was just like, this, I can feel it. This just isn't our day.

It just wasn't Brady never, I mean, they were all over him. He never got comfortable and, uh, he wasn't screaming and yelling and getting people going. But our fucking defense played great. Um, but I don't know. I just, sometimes you just feel it's just not your fucking day. So I literally had to go for a walk. I went to the bank. I mailed something.

I got the car washed. It was like nobody there was like a ghost town. It was just like, you know, some fucking nerds or whatever who don't give a shit about sports and some poor bastards who had to work. And, um, yeah, I went to the car wash and then I went to this, uh, uh, I don't know, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, whatever the fuck it is. Got one of those wraps, the Schwarma wraps, whatever the fuck you call it. And it actually worked out perfect. I walked a few blocks over. I got the wrap.

I ate it. I watched some of the Carolina, Arizona game. And then when I came back, right as I came back, the guy was finishing my car and he put his hand up like, who's car is this? It was fucking perfect. Perfect timing. Um, it was about the only, uh, good thing that happened during those three hours of watching that fucking game. But, um, anyways, I got to tell you as, as bad as, um, as bad as the, the feeling I had when the Patriots lost. Um, the one thing that cheered me up was watching that Carolina fan fall out of the fucking stands.

That was one of the funniest fucking things I've seen in a long time. He just completely, he missed timed when the player was coming down. I think he, I think he just ran down and he just missed, misjudged where the rail was. And he just slammed into it and just went right up and over straight up and over. I mean, if you, if you put a coat rack on wheels, it would have landed lighter than this guy did. There was just nothing athletic about it. It was just all fucking, was it a inertia that the proper physics term he just ran down. I just wish I could have heard his thoughts when he was at the tipping point,

when his legs were right up point at the 12 and his head was at six o'clock, right as it started to come around to about 11 45. You know, he was lying to himself, hanging on to the rail. Like I got this, I got this. Ah, fuck. Oh, it is stupid dad jeans just shooting up in the air right from the gap and just fucking lands on the ground. I liked when he got up too, and then he tried to like climb back up in the stands and that dude was there like, I know buddy, why don't you just walk around? We don't need you falling down again.

I'll tell you what the funny thing is, you know, there's going to be some lawyer scaring the fuck out of the owner of that team. That emotionless maniac that they kept cutting to when he would just be sitting there, like he was listening to the verdict of his own murder trial. The fuck is with that guy? Is he just focused on the Super Bowl? Everybody in his luxury box is going nuts. He's got his fucking furred up wife. That's when you know you got money. When your wife has a fur coat and hasn't been spray painted, you know,

that's when you know that it's that you guys are living a level of wealth that you don't even run into commoners. Do you know, there's always some cunt that's got to come along and fucking spray paint somebody's fur coat, which I've never understood. It's like the animal died and now he's going to throw out its hide. At least there was a jacket. You know what I mean? Like if somebody came on, killed me and made a jacket out of me, I wouldn't want you to spray paint it. You know, and then they're just going to throw it out.

And I'm just like a fucking jacket, you know, on a landfill, right, floating in the ocean. Let the bitch walk around with it. Anyways, Jesus fucking Christ. I'll tell you right now, nobody's having more fun in the National Football League. Oh God, I was watching the game with a buddy, man. We were just throwing out the cliches. He gets it. He gets it.

He's the first one here and he's the last one to leave. I'll tell you right now, you give me 22 guys like that. I could coach the state. I'll tell you right now, you have to know where you are on the field. Why would you run a five-yard route when you need six yards for a first down? I mean, that just doesn't make any sense. I'll tell you out there, they're just having fun out there. They're just having fun.

That's what this game's all about. You're out there, they're loose. He's just out there slinging it. Anyways, and just like that, my fucking football season is over. So who do you like in the Super Bowl? I'll tell you what I don't like. Have you seen that fucking advertisement for Super Bowl 50, the 50s in gold? And for whatever reason, there's this woman standing there looking like the hot chick

that walks in in some gum shoe movie from the fucking 1940s. She stayed in there in a rank coat and high heels with like a golden umbrella. I'm telling you, it's over. It's fucking over. The bills hired a, I don't know what they hired. They had a woman for some job over. It's fucking over. It's done.

It's done. Those three hours where you could get away as a married guy. You could just get away for three hours. It's over. It's going to sound like the Westminster dog show in about seven years. You know, we had a great run. We had a great run. And now it's over, you know, but it's our own damn faults.

It's our own damn faults. You know what it was? We just couldn't hide the joy we were having watching football without them. We couldn't hide the joy and there's nothing that annoys a fucking woman like a bunch of guys going and having a good time without them. So they're in, they're dressing in pink for a fucking month. It's, it's fucking, it's fucking over. I wish I just knew, I just knew, I wish I knew that it was going to come to this.

I would have tried to enjoy, you know, my first 37, 38 years of football. They just flew by. I would have tried to enjoy him a little bit more. Now it's over. We should make a trade. This is what we should do. We should just trade him the WNBA. Just go like, what if we just give you a league that we started?

It'll be almost like a divorce where you just get it, even though you didn't do anything. Or maybe you'd like emotionally supported the guy or some shit. Whatever the fuck you say at the court, right? You just give them the WNBA. You can be the commissioners, all the owners, the commentators, the refs. You can be everybody in the stands. We'll give you your section of Buffalo Wild Wings. You know, just, just don't take NFL football from us.

Can you, can you just not just, can you give us, can you just leave us with that? Can we just have that? Oh God. Maybe I'm just too old to understand it. Coach, can you tell us what happened there in the first half? Well, you know, we weren't getting it done at all. We're going to get out there and maybe try to have a little, you know. I'll tell you right now, nobody's had more fun than me.

I just don't know if I'm ready for that. You know? I don't know. I just, you know, I don't know. Where do you go now? I guess, I guess the only place left is you become one of those weird old guys that plays chess in the park. You know, it is about chess.

It's boring and quiet enough that they don't notice that you're over there without them. Enjoying yourself. You know, that's the genius. You ever see a guy who's been married for like 50 years, like the genius of them? I swear to God, the genius of them is they fucking, they know how to have a good time without their wife noticing. So it doesn't pique her interest, right? She's fucking over in the choir.

She doesn't give a shit, right? But young guys, we're idiots. We come home with a big grin on her face talking about how awesome it was and blah, blah. And all they hear is this motherfucker had the nerve to go out for three hours and not miss me and not think about me. Well, we'll see about that, won't we? It's fucking over. It's over, just like the Patriots season.

So who do you guys like in the, who do you guys like in the, I'm trying to think of an activity that women do, a fucking group that they have that I would like to infiltrate. And for the life of me, I can't think of it. You know? What do you got though? The 4-H club? Girl scouting?

Any of those feminist groups? They'd be a funny thing to join. Join one of those fucking groups and act like you're a feminist. You just go down there and you say, like the most ignorant, but like, yet it's still pro-women shit. Come down there with a fucking bud tall. Yeah, I just wanted to say, you know, I came down here to support you, bruds. You know, I think it's, I think it's fucked up the way the guy treats you.

You know, just because you run around with a skirt and it takes you long to get ready, doesn't mean you can't run the company, right? My right ladies? Come on. Bill, we really appreciate you coming down here. We think what you're saying is positive. We just, just some buzzwords here that we put into a spreadsheet, a little pamphlet thing that we'd like you to look at.

Maybe you could not say them the next meeting. Maybe take a couple of weeks off. Oh, no, no, I'm showing up every week. Wait for them to kick me out. Then I sue them for being sexist. I'm just a grumpy old man. That's all it is. I'm a grumpy old man who wants things to stay the same.

You know, do I make any money off the NFL? I do have the mute button. You got to, you got to love the mute button. Anytime they cut to the check on the sideline, I just fucking, I hit mute. You know, just trying to, to keep it going, you know, just for another couple more weeks. How come we can't blah, blah, blah? Okay. All right.

Jesus Christ. I think it really comes. What are you going to do? It's a, you know, it's fucking over. It's our own goddamn faults. We just had too much fucking fun without them. So, you know, the next thing we start, just come home. You tone it down.

Fucking tone it down. Um, anyways, let's plow ahead here. So I still haven't even said, what is it? The, uh, Super Bowl. Who do you like? Panthers or Broncos? You know, I was impressed that the Panthers fucking were kicking the shit out of me. We're kicking the shit out of Arizona and they didn't take their foot off the gas pedal this week.

Um, I don't know, but the Broncos have that fucking defense. But our offensive line stinks. It doesn't stink. We're just banged up. So I don't know. I don't know how good the, uh, I don't know. I don't, you know what? I don't even fucking know.

I'm still so fucking annoyed by that goddamn, the finality of not even that we lost because Denver was the better fucking team. God damn motherfucker. All right. That's it. Plowing ahead. Oh, by the way, did I mention I saw, uh, the hateful eight? Did anybody see that?

Did anybody see the hateful eight? I can't remember if I talked about it. I saw it in 70 millimeter at the arc light here in, uh, in Los Angeles. Um, it had an intermission and it had an overture in the beginning. There were no coming attractions because who the fuck's going to shoot that 70 millimeter? Right. And I absolutely fucking loved that movie from start to finish. I love the pacing of it.

I love the whole, I just loved, I loved it. I just, the whole fuck, it was just an experience like Tarantino was like, I don't give a fuck about your cell phone. How you, your fucking brain is all scrambled now. Cause you're looking at an iPad screen all goddamn day long. I don't give a fuck. The movie is this long. This is the movie I wanted to make and you can settle the fucking or leave.

It's just an experience. I absolutely fucking loved that movie. Um, I was speaking, I was speaking to iPads. You see when the Patriots iPads went out, that was strange, huh? Do the Broncos go out? Isn't that weird? That's just one of those strange things. Just one of those fluke things that happened to happen.

And it's all good. It's all good. Cause it happened to the Patriots. Now had it happened the other way around and it was in our stadium. Oh Jesus. How many months would ESPN talk about that? You know, Verzi called me today instead of former quarterback. I think it was for the Giants.

I don't even know what it was saying. Like, yeah, we used to take air out of the ball all the fucking time. Everybody did it and everybody does it once again. And I know you guys are like, oh Jesus, Bill, how long are you going to harp on this? Well, they talked about it for fucking eight months. You know, I think since, you know, the judge threw it out of court. I mean, it hasn't been eight months since then, has it? September, October, November, December, January.

You got another three months of this shit. Anyways, enough of that shit. Oh, by the way, I started that series Top Boy, T.O.P. Boy on Netflix and a fucking great show. Two episodes in enjoying it. But Jesus Christ, you got to put on the fucking subtitles. Good Lord, mumbling fast as fuck. It's almost as bad as Peaky Blinders. But Peaky Blinders, you can understand this shit was supposed to happen like a hundred years ago.

This shit here as far as I can tell is supposed to be going on right now and I still can't understand. I don't think they say in it enough. Stamps.com, everybody. Here we go. A little advertising for this week. Stamps.com. You know, there's got to be a better way to mail and ship stuff. Going to the post office takes up so much time.

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Nobody tackling out there. What the hell's going on? Today will be the greatest day of your life. Believe it. You know, they'll start. They'll have their classic sinks. All right, everybody, grab a towel, cover your dicks. Let's, let's focus on next week.

Oh, by the way, I want to thank Brian Tishy for letting me be a part of the Bonzo bash this past Friday night. I got to go down there and co-host it with him and just the amount of drummers that I saw that night and I got to stand behind him. If there's any YouTube video, you're going to see my dumb fucking head just staring at their bass drum foot. These are some of the guys that played last Friday night. Stephen Perkins, James Addiction, Chad Smith from the Chili Peppers, Dave Lombardo from Dead Cross and Slayer. Who else? Going from memory. Oh, there's a guy, Greg Potter from the Buddy Rich Band.

Guy plays in the Buddy Rich Band and crushed a Zeppelin song. That's pretty much running the gamut. Simon Wright. Last time I saw Simon Wright play, I saw him on the Who Made Who Tour. Rob Afuso from Skid Row. Last time I saw him, they opened for Aerosmith, New Year's Eve, 1989, December 31st at the Boston. Got it! Will Calhoun was there.

Brad Whitford from Aerosmith, Carmen Appasy. Oh my god, Ray Luzier from Corn. Absolutely destroyed Achilles last thang. It's got John Hummel I never heard of. Fucking destroyed Cashmere. Just so many fucking amazing drummers. And I actually got to sit in, which is fucking hilarious. I got to sit in between guys at that level.

I played that song off of the Presence album For Your Love and, I'm sorry, For Your Love, For Your Life. And I want to thank everyone in the Moby Dicks for helping walk me through that song. You know what it was? I fucked up a lot during the song, but I nailed the arrangement. As far as like all the changes, I was on it for that. And I find that if you do that, that people in the crowd don't notice that you're fucking up the fills. There was like one big fill and I fucking rimmed out on the thing. I was so fucking pissed. What are you going to do? But it was just a fucking amazing night. And four hours fucking long watching these guys and they had this bottom fucking Vistalite set,

the exact same style kit that he had if you watch the song. And the song remains the same. And the fucking kick drum was wide open. They had nothing in there. They didn't even have a felt strip going across it. It was one of the sickest sounds I've ever heard in my life. The 26 inch kit, they had the two timpani's to the left of the hi-hat and then the fucking gong. And I'm so pissed at the end of the song, I didn't hit the fucking gong. How many fucking opportunities do you get to do that? And I blew it.

But I just had the best time doing it. And then of course I'm driving home. It was down in Anaheim and I'm driving home. And the best thing about driving home at night in LA is there's finally no traffic. And I'm fucking cruising. And all of a sudden the fucking five just comes to a grinding halt. And three, four lanes merge down to one and then are forced off of the highway into like a neighborhood. Because the only time they obviously that they can fix the highways is at night. So I have empathy for these state workers out here, but sucked from me.

And I had like a fucking meltdown for about five minutes. And I was texting everyone that I got a number from that was on the show telling them not to get on the five. And fucking brutal. Now what's again, I just don't understand why people buy fast cars out here. Unless you have a pickup truck with a trailer and you can drive that car, you can tow the car to a racetrack. I just don't understand, you know, these fucking cars you see out here that can go like 180, 160, 200 miles an hour. Some of these fucking cars.

It's like, where are you doing that? I don't know. It's fucking ridiculous. I beeped at this lady today. I was probably a dick. I just really, I can't fucking stand people when they sit at a goddamn red light. You're right behind them. And then when the light turns green, they put on their fucking left turn signal.

And then you beep at them. They're like, what the fuck? It's like, give me a heads up. Give me a heads up. So I could have backed off and gone around you. You fucking dick. Now that 20 people behind me are going to go by, I'm going to miss the fucking light. Now I'm on your schedule.

You know, like that, that's never happened to you. You've never been the person behind that person. You don't fucking remember. Now you're first in line. You just say, fuck it. Sorry. Most of this shit, everything that I'm saying, women in the NFL, all of this shit, most of this shit has nothing to do with the, it has to do with the fact that my team lost, you

know. So now I'm just fucking grumpy. Anyways. Today would be the best day of your life, but only if you win. Let's win one for the kipper. All right. Oh, hey, I'm going to be playing out live again. If you guys, uh, and do a standup.

Oh, Dean Del Ray, Dean Del Ray's, uh, 50th birthday. You got to come down to this at the L Ray theater. Del Ray at the L Ray. Uh, it's going to be an unbelievable fucking lineup of, uh, comedians and musicians to celebrate Dean Del Ray's 50th birthday. And of course my fucking internet cuts out. I finally had the fucking thing. Finally had it.

I had it all fucking lined up. I was ready to read off the whole thing and what happens? It just fucking disappears. You fucking cunt. All right. Well, this is what I know. Um, Joe Rogan is going to be doing some standup there. Uh, I will be on it.

Chris Delia, let me get to the flyer here. Let me get to the flyer. There it is. There's the flyer. All right. Brian red band Joe Bartnick. Rose both tailgate legend Joe Bartnick. Dean Del Ray is going to be there.

And, uh, after we do a bunch of standup, uh, we're going to do some, uh, from what I heard, there's going to be all these musicians there. And they're going to play the entire highway to hell album. Uh, Rudy Sarzo is going to be there. From, uh, Ozzy Osbourne. Uh, Dave Kushner from velvet revolver. And the guy who does the music for F is for family. Dave Lombardo, Tracy guns, Gilby clack from guns and roses.

It's going to be fucking safe. It's going to be, it's going to be a lot of fun. Um, so come on down February 2nd. You can get tickets at golden voice.com. Um, all right. Let's, uh, let's continue on here with, with the, uh, with the podcast. What else did I want to talk about? Is there anything, anything at all?

Is I, if I, as I settle into the fact that my fucking football season is over. Oh, Jesus Christ. The Patrice O'Neill benefit. How the fuck did I almost forget that? Um, late great Patrice O'Neill. The, I think this is the fourth one we've done. Um, yeah, 13, 14, 15, 16. Yeah.

This is the fourth one. It's already flying by. Um, it's sold out. There will be a few tickets released at the, um, right before the show starts. There's always a few people that requested tickets and then they don't show up. So there's a chance if you walk up, there might be, uh, some tickets. It's going to be an amazing lineup. And as always, uh, other than the money that we use to, uh, pay to rent out the theater,

all monies go to, uh, Patrice's loved ones. And it's really made an unbelievably positive effect on their lives. Um, you know, his mom has been able to get a condo and his stepdaughters is going to private school since the benefit. And, um, just the quality of their lives basically stayed the same, you know, Patrice was taking care of them. So, um, it's really, it's the greatest thing that I'm involved in during the course of the year.

And I'm so happy that you guys step it up every year and, um, buy tickets. So I want to thank everybody who bought tickets. It means the world to me and everybody involved and all the comics that take time out of their schedule to come down there. And, um, and perform. And it's just a, it's just an awesome thing. And we're just going to keep doing it as long as you guys keep showing up. All right.

So thank you. Thank you for that. And with that, let's get into some of the reads here for, uh, for this week. All right. What are we up to here? 33 minutes. All right. All right.

Hacky hate. Hey, Bill. How are you? He says, I am not a Patriots fan. I am a diehard baby. I'm a Patriots fan. I am a diehard bears fan. After the Patriots lost, all I saw on Facebook was people trashing Brady and

bringing up Trump and deflate gate. I get it. They're on most, they're on top most of the time and people love to trash him or whoever is winning at life. Now let's stop giving excuses to these pansy ass fucking sports fan who spent sports fans who spent 90% of their fucking time talking about gossip. It all gets classified under gossip. Every hack who was, who was a static that the Patriots lost is an asshole,

especially the ones who will declare they could care less about sports. Congrats. You're about as cool as the guy who paints his face. The only time I talk shit about the Patriots is to remind them of 1985. Even that's pretty weak. Go bears. Um, yeah, but you know, if you're on top, you got to expect that people are going to give you shit.

Um, the only thing I didn't like was, was when the, uh, Broncos defense, you know, we're getting sick of hearing about Tom Brady. It's like, well, then win a fucking Super Bowl, win four of them and they'll talk about you. The Patriots never talked shit about the Broncos. They never said that they were better than the Broncos. And I also love to what it's just like, you know, they were favorites. They were like the Patriots made themselves favorites.

You know what's really overrated is, is being a favorite or being an underdog has nothing to do with your team. It has to do with the fucking dope in the Buffalo Wild Wings who's betting on games. All right. What Vegas tries to do is they try to get money on both sides of the ball. So they try to pick a number. All right.

That's going to entice people to go 50, 50. That's why the line changes during the course of the week. Did one team get better or another team get, get worse? I mean, if there's an injury, yes, but generally speaking, no, what happens is, is there's too much money going to one side. So they need to entice people to come back the other side because if, if, you know, you can't have like 90% of the money on one side of the ball that could completely fuck over the gambling ring or the, uh, they don't like those odds.

And because ties lose, that's enough to tip it in their fucking favor. That's basically what goes on, which is why, you know, if you look back in 07 when the Patriots beat the Giants the last game of the year and the Giants put up like fucking 33 or 34 points and we only won by like three or something. That's why like a month later, we were still 14 point favorites. It had no, the Patriots are overhyped. They weren't overhyped. What happened was the Super Bowl brings out people who don't know shit about football.

All right. It brings out the fucking ladies. It brings out all, you know, there's nothing worse than a Super Bowl party. If you give a shit about football, if you really like the Super Bowl, if you really like football, if you really football fan, you watch it alone or you watch it with like two or three other people that keep their fucking mouth shut. Right. Um, but what happens is during the Super Bowl, that brings out all the fucking, the

novice fans that people don't even watch and all they see is 18 and all the fucking are they know Brady? Like they know, they know Tom Brady the way I know Darth Vader. All right. I can't tell you a fucking thing about the last like, I don't even know how many there's been since the original three. I know Vader is fucking Luke's father and that fucking Luke and Leia, a brother and sister and that they kind of had like this sexual tension and wanted to fuck each other

in the beginning, which I think is a really weird thing to put into a kid's movie. Don't you? Um, maybe he didn't know that when he initially wrote it and then he just needed a good left turn when he was writing the second one. I have no fucking idea, but I think the way he tried to make it up was with those gerbils in the third one, you know, going, what are the fuck they did? You know, I don't know what the fuck they did. So anyway, so that's as much as, as much as I know about Star Wars, these people know

about football. So then they come in and they go to Vegas and everybody goes in and thinks that they're fucking Sean Connery and James Bond, right? They weigh, you know, they fucking go down there and they got some, I'm in Vegas suit on their wife's wearing some fucking, you know, sparkly number and everybody's out there, you know, stepping outside of themselves and say, I want to gamble. I want to get in the action. Who's playing?

I don't know who that other team is. I know who Tom Brady is. Let me, let me put a hundred bucks on his, on the cleft of his fucking chin. And that's how the line goes from what it should be about three, four points to all the way up to 14. That's what the fuck happens. All right. And that was for everybody who doesn't fucking gamble.

Okay. All right, Bill, enough already. We get it. Your team lost and you're fucking, you're in a cunty mood. Thank God that guy fell out of the stands. He didn't even look that drunk. I just loved his fucking gap jeans. Just fucking straight up in the air.

All right. Next question here. Oh, by the way, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, all you got to do is just go to next time you go to Amazon, the next time you're going to buy something on that, just go to my website, billbird.com, click on the podcast page and then you just click on the Amazon link. It just takes you there. It doesn't cost you any extra money.

You might, you know, later on in life, if your index finger wears out, you might think like, you know what, if I didn't do those extra two clicks with my index finger, maybe I would have had another 10 minutes of joy and no fucking constant pain in my index finger. Other than that, there's really nothing. I even do it. I even go when I go to Amazon. Well, why wouldn't I? I guess I get the money, right?

You know, I did. I went on there and I fixed my fucking cooler. I don't know what the fuck happened to my cooler this year at the Rose Bowl. It's been to every Rose Bowl that I've been to and I've been to eight of them at this point and I never had a fucking problem. And at some point, like my cooler, basically it opens up to a point, you know, the hinges stop it from opening and then there's a strap to keep it from going any further. And I don't know what happened because I fucking passed out like at like 10 o'clock

in the morning. So, and I didn't even notice that my cooler was fucked up. But at the end of the night, when I got my cooler back, it had basically been decapitated. The strap was busted and the hinges were busted. And I was like, what the fuck? What happened? You know, it's like the Hulk opened the thing up or something. It's just like, just open it a little.

It's fine. But then I was thinking, well, when I fell down when I was drunk, did I land on the cooler? And it's like, no, I wouldn't notice that. I landed flat on my, I landed like that fucking guy when he fell out of the stands. That's how I fell. I fell on the grass. Do you realize I was on a fairway, a straight fairway golf course and I lost my balance and fell down.

That's how fucking drunk I was. And you know what? It was fucking great. So anyways, I went to, I actually didn't go to Amazon. I just looked up Igloo cooler repair kit and they got like this two different kinds of hinges and I accidentally ordered two of them and I only need one of them. So I have an extra repair kit. And I know, you know, the odds and they send you like three sets of hinges.

You know, if you have like the, the giant one, you know, the person who kills his wife and doesn't want anybody to know and just says she's on vacation and he cuts her up like they have that size hinge for that cooler. And then they just got, you know, the happy drunk that falls down on New Year's day, you know, so they come with three sets of hinges for each. So I have an entire extra one. It's out there who has like a cooler that needs to be replaced. It comes with everything, even like the drain, little drain hole fucking spout thing.

It's got that. The strap does come separately. I don't have an extra strap, but I have an extra repair kit. So if anybody wants it, send us an email with an address and I'll send it out to you because what else am I going to do with it? I'm not going to throw it out. And someday if I ever move, you know, I got to pack up something that I don't even fucking need. So there you go.

Oh, by the way, I'm still in the running here to maybe get this drum room made slash podcast room in the back of my garage. As always, this major, major fucking structural issues. But I don't know, it's just I got to, I got to show up that part of the house, but there's there's all these, there's all these fucking issues that I can't even talk about because, you know, I'm getting a permit. I'm doing all that fucking shit. And I know somebody like, oh, you don't need a fucking permit if you're building within

the structure, if you're not adding any square footage, I know all that shit. But like, I just, you know, anytime you start hammering in your fucking garage, your neighbors here at the fucking rat you out, I just don't need the fucking headache. So I'm doing my due diligence. And it's taking a long time, but I'm going to, I'm going to make this, I'm going to make this fucking happen. And I have a 71 Ludwig green sparkle, all bottom sized drums, and I'm going to make sure that they fucking fit in there.

And I'm going to fucking, I don't give a shit. What do I care, right? You know, the oceans are all fished out. The government takes all your fucking money. You know, I don't give a fuck. I'm going all out with this thing. This thing, I'm literally going to be able to play. I'm going to tell this guy, if I'm able to do this, and I'm not going to have a fucking

problem legally, and I can build the fucking thing I want to build, I'm literally going to be able to play at two o'clock in the fucking morning and no one's even going to hear it. They might, it might sound like a stereo is on really low, but I'd never be a douche enough to play then, at least sober. That'll be great then, right? I'll fucking my wife. I can just walk out the back door, go into my garage, sit down, and put on a Zeppelin album, Guns N' Roses, fucking, all my fucking shit I listened to when I was growing up,

Queens of the Stone Age, you know. What else do you fucking need? Oh, you know what else I need? I need a bar out there, right? Flat screen TV. What's funny about a man cave, when somebody really throws down in their fucking man cave, all I hear is, I am not happily married. And what you're doing is you're building a mini version of what your life would look

like if you weren't, what your house would look like if you weren't married. Like, after you show them the house with all the throw pillows and all the fucking potpourri and all that shit, you bring your buddy out to the garage and you're just like, yeah, if I wasn't married, like this is what it would look like. But you know what's funny about that? I'm old enough to know that if your house did look like that, I see the loneliness in it. Because the bottom line is a man cave, what it is, is like, what you're building is what you wish you had, you wish you could afford when you were fucking 22 years old.

That's basically it. And the problem is, is if you do it honestly, if you actually work your balls off, you know, and you don't steal from anybody or any of that fucking shit, it's gonna take you to your about 50, unless you're one of these fucking nerds in Silicon Valley that comes up with an app or some shit. You know, you really don't get paid until you get close to 50. That's just how it is. You know, it's just how it is.

Except for Cam Newton, he's getting paid around the day right now. Nobody's having more fun than that guy. If you look up fun in the dictionary. Anyways, yeah, I'm gonna fucking make a little podcast thing. I mean, I don't have a lot of room, but I'm gonna fucking do it upright. And, you know, getting back and taking lessons again. Dude, the shit that I'm actually paying attention to now that I never paid attention to, how I hold onto the sticks, where I'm hitting the snare drum, my balance, all of that shit.

It used to be all about going on YouTube, seeing some guy do one of those gospel chop fucking licks, and I'm gonna go down here and fucking just do this for fucking nine days in a row. And then I'll be able to do that, you know, pull this fill off next time I walk into Guitar Center. And then meanwhile, all my other playing sucked. And I've just had this total epiphany about all of it, and it's funny. I'm not doing nearly as much as I used to do, but I think I'm playing better than I ever played. And I don't know, it's fucking exciting. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, you know?

So anyways, let's move on to the next question here. Oh my god, did I tell you guys how I butchered that fucking pork chop meal that I made? Ugh, I'm still sick over that. I'm like, I'm eating pork chops again this week because I have to redeem myself. All right, so the hacky hate thing. Yeah, that just kind of comes with winning games or whatever. All right, no Asian diversity at the Oscars. Bill, hello from Canada.

Would love to hear what your take is on why no one is complaining about the lack of Asians at the Oscars. Oh, you motherfucker, that's the bit I was gonna do. That was the bit I was gonna do. Yeah, that's... He goes, as an Asian, I don't care because A, I suspect we aren't producing good enough shit. We're not producing good enough shit, not because we're Asian. B, Asians aren't getting sweet roles because I'm not profitable. They aren't going to cast an Asian parentheses or black or female actor that would make more money out of some white conspiracy.

Dude, you had like fucking two sets of parentheses in there. Asians aren't getting sweet roles because it's not profitable. They aren't going to not cast an Asian or black or female actor that... Oh, I see what you're saying. They aren't going to not cast an Asian actor that would make more money out of some white conspiracy. So you're saying if they would make them money, then they would. I mean, who cares? If you don't like how the Oscars define the best whatever, I don't get why.

And then that's the end of it. I see what you're saying. Well, yeah, you're looking at it from a very, like, money. Like, I think that's a lot of times. Sometimes, you know, it looks like it's racism. A lot of times it's just money. Well, I think American cinema is finally realizing is that there's a whole bunch of other people in the world that they can actually get money from if they gave a fuck to make a movie that would appeal to them.

And the only reason why I think they're doing that is because everybody stole movies and it's so hard to make money off of them now and there's such a big fucking risk because what happened to the music business has happened slash is happening to the movie business right now, which is why there's really no more like from like $20 million to like $70 million. They don't make movies in that budget anymore. They just don't. It's either like some fucking $100 million Star Wars action hero movie or it's like fucking below $10 million.

It seems all the way down to like a hundred grand like indie sort of, you know, micro budget fucking thing. So yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, yeah, there's no agents there either. Where's the outcry for that? Well, people don't people give a fuck about themselves. That's the one thing that I can say about people in general straight across the board, you know, which is why I guess white people need because they're running shit quote running shit. You know what I mean?

Like they're all cooperating with one another because there's white people in those positions. They need to take the time to actually give a fuck about other stuff because I got to be honest with you. I thought that kid that played easy in straight out of Compton, he should have gotten nominated. He was he was the fucking shit in that movie. I should know that actor's name. He was you know what God damn it. Why don't I step outside my whiteness? I'm going to I'm going to set the example here right now and I'll tell you right now.

There's nobody having more fun right now going on the internet than this guy. You look up fun on the internet. There'll be a picture of me easy. E actor. Eric Lynn Wright is Jason Mitchell on playing easy. That fucking guy was he should have got something he even get a Golden Globe. You get nominated for that. That was one of those movies that I actually didn't even want to see.

There was some line that what's his face? G.M.A. He said, you know, I mean, I can't trade. I want that at that point. He yelled whatever the fuck he yells. I got Jesus Christ. This this looks really heavy handed. You know what I mean?

And then they always have to have the, you know, they always have to have the white, white angel in those movies when they show racism. So then white people will go so they can lie to themselves and be like, yeah, if I was there, that's the white guy I would be. I'd be the angel white guy. I wouldn't be the, the, you know, the racist guy. Yeah, no, it's a very, it's a very interesting. The whole fucking thing is, is really interesting. Interesting. I don't know.

I have no idea. I mean, I think you shouldn't just say, look, black actors should be nominated. You should fucking then back it up. You know what I mean? And give shout outs to people that fucking deserve. You should be like Jason Mitchell playing easy straight out of comp. Now who the fuck is going to say he should have got something? Or maybe they did do that.

I gotta be honest with you. I don't, I don't really pay attention to award shows. I fucking can't stand them. They're horrific. They're fucking horrific. They're boring as hell. There's usually one moment that's worth fucking watching. And at that, with the internet, you're not going to miss it.

They're just going to show it to you. So why would you waste four hours of your life watching this shit? Like for the Golden Globes, the, the, the moment of the night was Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey stole that even that fucking speech was hilarious. And from what I've heard from people out here, he just winged that thing. That's how fucking funny that guy is. And watching him do that and the brutal honesty of it really made me wish I could still watch him do stand up to be honest with you. All right, here we go to your health.

Good sir. Bill, I've heard you discuss many topics with, with yourself on the podcast about health and longevity of the major topics, i.e. food and exercise. I would have to suggest considering another area to focus on breathing. Oh Jesus. I got to work on this too. Breathing is huge. How you breathe and the types of breaths you take during the day to really change your body for the better.

I just literally thought about breathing. I got more relaxed. This is this yoga shit that I try to slow my brain down from conscious breathing, conscious breathing. Are you going to plug your book in the middle of this? You motherfucker. You know what? You got me. You suckered me in, but I'm going to read it like deep thoughts by Jack Handy.

Here we go. Conscious breathing is a book and a great place to start. Also, a man by the name of Wim Hof is doing amazing things and has been on Joe Rogan's podcast. You may not have three hours to listen to it, but if you run into Joe, I'm sure he can give you the breakdown. Thanks for the free laughs. No, I'll listen to anybody that's on Rogan's podcast. Joe Rogan's podcast, the fastest fucking three hours you're ever going to spend. If you're ever lucky enough to be a fucking guest, you're going to be like, ah, I've been here like 40 minutes.

And then all of a sudden you're like, how the fuck is it like seven o'clock at night? I missed my meal. Well, I'll give it a chance. I'll give it a try. I know I definitely need to fucking stress less. And that's always like one of my goals. I haven't been drinking this year though. The day after the Rose Bowl is the last time I boozed.

I had one gulp of wine after I made this really rich dinner in my stomach. I needed to settle it. So my wife was drinking some wine. I just took a gulp of that. And then the last three nights in a row, I'm getting rid of these Rose Bowl beers. I just drink like one light beer. I just have one and then I'm done and it just kind of makes me sleepy. But I'm just trying to free up some room in the fridge because every year at the end of the Rose Bowl,

I get stuck with all the extra beers and like fucking 15 cans of half used mustard. I get all the condiments and a broken cooler. All right. Trash in the ocean. Hey Bill, I know you talk about this all the time on your podcast, but believe it or not, there are people who do not believe our trash being dumped in the ocean is a problem. Well, there's always going to be those people. There's also people that thought the fucking world was flat. Well, I guess I would have thought the world was flat if I lived back then.

People didn't think that we were earning an effect on the climate. You know, all the fucking trees that we've cut down that alone. You know what I mean? All right. Anyways, he says there was another scientific study done, if you believe in that kind of thing, that states plastics will outweigh fish in the ocean by 2050. Yeah, I saw that. I don't think that that's going to happen because I have a feeling that mother nature has had enough with us and will, you know, and they keep predicting by 2090,

the population will more than fucking quintuple. I think that, you know, we're already long past the tipping point. Scientists have said we're past the point where we can even fix this fucking thing. So I, this is like when you can't do your homework at some point, you're like, and she comes down and helps you out. I think mother nature is going to do that. And she's an old school mom and she's going to slap the shit out of us. But you don't need to listen to me say this.

Just listen to George Carlin. He'll tell you all about it. All right. He said, I guess these assholes assume they'll be dead by then and don't give a shit. Long time listener here. Just saw you in Indy back in October. I can assure you we aren't all ignorant KKK asshole or Jim Ursay fans. You know, I, you know, I just say that just to fuck with you.

Jesus Christ. I grew up outside of Boston. Half the people in the clan would go there and be like, all right, hey, take it easy. You know, easy. I understand that easy. All right. Thanks to go fuck yourself. And then they sent me the, the unbelievably depressing link, which I don't,

I don't even go to them anymore. I don't even go to them anymore because all they do is depress me. All right. Average amount of waste produced by humans. Jesus Christ. We're just staring into this. Hey, Bill, I'm from Columbia and love your podcasts and your standup comedy. Hey, that's fucking great.

Oh, you're from Columbia. I thought you were down there listening. But whatever you're from there, right? You live there at some point. You're still listening to the podcast. It's still cool. He goes, the, or she goes, I don't know who the fuck wrote this. He goes the other day.

I was wondering how much poop is produced by humans on a daily basis. And I did a little research on the internet and some calculations, which I would like to share with you and your audience. Okay. According to the world fact book, the world population consists of 7,174,611. Wait a minute. 7 billion, 174,611,584 people and the average human being weighs around 62 kilograms. Oh, you motherfucker.

I don't, I want to know what that is in pounds. I got, I got to switch that over. I want to see where the fuck I'm at. Wait, what did you just say? 62. What do you guys think the average person? I'm going to say the average person weighs about 100, a lot of starving people. I'll go 162 pounds.

What do you, what do you say here? All right, 62 in LBS. All right. That's equal to 136 pounds. Holy shit. God damn it. There's a lot of small or starving people in the world. All right.

Now the average, that means I am right now. I'm like 40 pounds over the average. Human being. All right. Now the daily average for stool gross is one ounce per 12 pounds of body weight, which means the average person poops 11.39 ounces. Therefore, each day the planet receives 2,295,876 metric tons of shit. But since the average stool is 75% water, dude, this is gross.

It would be safe to say that humans produce 1,721,907 metric tons of poop every day. Jesus Christ. You're really taking all the fun out of this podcast to put this in perspective. I think you put it into perspective, but he's going to keep going. The Empire State Building weighs 350,000 tons. So human beings pupe the equivalent of five giant turds the size of the Empire State Building. If we add farts to the equation, this fucking dude is all in. The average person farts 17 times a day.

That's it. Try eating a salad. Fucking double your numbers. You know, it's record times 17 times a day producing a litter, a liter of fart in total, a litter, L-I-T-T-E-R. That's a litter of fart in total, which gives a new meaning to a breathing fresh air. I have included the links where I got the information at the end of this email. And when you think about it on top of eating our own rollerblades, we're eating our own shit.

By the way, everything you read or hear about Columbia is true. Go have a meaningful experience with yourself. Does that mean go, oh, that means go fuck yourself. Ah, this guy's a clever son of a bitch. Jesus Christ. Well, you know what? Hey, how about I end the podcast with what I promised to do last week, which is I was going to start reading segments from the Bible.

Now, granted, I don't own a Bible. All right? Let's start with John three 16 because I'm a sports fan. John three 16. He said it onto you with. All right, John three 16 for God so loved the world that he gave his only is one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish, perish, but have eternal life. Well, that's straightforward.

He let his kid die. So as long as you believe that that happened, you will not die. You will have eternal life. You will live forever. Think about that forever. You know, you ever been at the DMV? Just imagine that except it never ends. Right?

What the fuck would you do forever? There's no way that that's fucking true. You know, movies don't go on forever. Planets don't go on forever or livable planets don't go on forever. Oh, fuck this is why I don't read the Bible. I don't fucking get all right. Let's let's let's let's just look up Bible passages. B I B L E.

It'd be funny if this actually got me back to going to church. I still love going to church. You know what I mean? I still like going. You know, keep in mind that Jesus Christ has died for us and is risen from the dead. All right. Encouraging Bible verses. Hope Bible verses Bible verses by friendships Bible verses.

Let's give hope. Encouraging. Well, where the fuck is it? I just want to open it like the phone book. The Bible. I'm going to look up the Bible. Please read the Bible. W W double a free Bible on your phone.

I don't want it. I want it on my fucking screen. I want Amber know what cheeseburg official Kim James Bible. Commit thy way unto the Lord. Trust also in him and he shall bring it to pass. Bring what? Commit thy way unto the Lord. All right.

So walk in the general direction of the Lord. Trust also in him. Well, if I'm walking towards him, aren't I? Isn't that trusting him? What do you think? I'm creeping up on him. Hey man, just making sure everything's cool. I'm walking your way.

But you know, just wave your white flag. Don't open a trap door when I get there, dude. And he shall bring it to pass. Genesis. Oh, I remember reading this. It like makes sense for like three fucking sentences. And then you just like what? In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without form and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. Period. The deep what? And the spirit of God moved upon. That's like when they go, you know, they got to eat up some clock. Darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. I thought there wasn't any.

That there wasn't any water, wasn't anything. How is there water for his face to be on? And God said, let there be light and there was light. Let there be sound. There was sound. God said, let there be light and there was light. Well, what was he doing before that? He was just sitting in the darkness all by himself.

It's one day he's laying there going, I'm going to make some shit. And God saw the light. That it was good. And God divided the light from the darkness. God called the light day. It's like Cam Newton. Everything's about the same guy. I'll tell you right now, nobody's having more fun than God making Earth.

He's like a kid in a candy store that doesn't exist and kids don't exist because he hasn't made it yet. Ah, fuck this Genesis. Let's look up Job. Let's see what old Job had to say. What the fuck is he? Well, let's read Titus. That's the name of a comic I know. How about that?

All right, Paul, a servant of God and an apostle of Jesus Christ. According to the faith of God's elect and the acknowledging of the truth, which is after godliness. I feel like somebody's trying to sell me a car. That was all one sentence. In hope of eternal life, which God that cannot lie promised before the world began. Dude, this is like God called everything. You know, before you even born and all. But hath in due times manifested his words.

You know, I thought this would be a funny bit. This is just fucking annoying. But hath in due times manifested his word through preaching, which is committed unto me according to the commandment of God our savior. It just, it just goes in circles to Titus, my own son after the common faith. He had another kid. He had Jesus, then he had Titus. Grace, mercy and peace. Who were they?

Was Grace Grace? Was she another virgin? How many times is he going to use this virgin thing? He banged him. Right. He had Jesus with Mary. And then Grace was his fucking side piece. And he had Titus.

All right. For this cause left ID and creed that thou should have set in order the things that are wanting and orders, elders and every city. As I appointed thee, if any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children, not accused of riot or unruly. It's not a sentence. Or maybe it was back then. You know what? If I get judged someday, you know, and God standing there and being like, I just like, dude, I, you know, I tried to get through. I tried to get through the book.

I don't know what to tell you. As far as I could, it's a bunch of fragments. All right. They're not complete thoughts. You know, you can't write just because you put a period at the end of it doesn't make it a sentence. Right. All right. That's the podcast for this week.

Once again, congratulations to the Broncos. Congratulations to the lady who got a job. I'm going to end this positive. Congratulations to the lady who got the job there. The Buffalo bills. I'm sure you're going to do a great job. I'm just a grumpy old fucking man whose team lost. All right.

Congratulations to the Panthers. I look forward to seeing Cam Newton, you know, play against Peyton Manning. It's going to be great. I love that he called him the sheriff. I thought that was cool. You know, the best of the old versus the best of the new. So I'm an old fucker. So I'm going to have to root.

I got a group for the Denver Broncos, the AFC and Peyton Manning, even though I love the Panthers and I love the way they fucking play. And that defense is the shit. And I don't know. I just hope it's a good game. I hope the Panthers, if they're going to win or the Broncos, I just don't want anybody beating the fuck out of anybody. Right. But I will tell you as always, I will be watching it by myself. Okay.

I'm not going to, I might go to a Super Bowl party because my team's out of, but I don't think so. I want to see Peyton's last game and I hope he goes out like Elway and I'm going to do what I always do. All right. I'm going to tape the game. You let it go for a good 90 minutes. As I mentioned, you shut your phone off. You get the grill going. You crack a couple of beers.

You know, you make yourself a burger or two. You invite a couple of friends over and then you go, all right, let's sit down and watch it. And you blow through all the fucking beginning and the home of the brave, right? Boom kickoff. And here we go. Blow through all the fucking commercials. Fast forward through Beyonce lip syncing during halftime. You'll get caught up halfway through the third fucking quarter.

And, uh, and if there were any cool commercials that you missed, you haven't recorded, but someone's going to put them up online anyways. You're not going to miss a fucking thing. And you can watch the Super Bowl and about, I don't know, you can watch it in about two, two hours and 20 minutes, two hours, two and a half hours. It's fucking tremendous. All right. God bless you guys. Yet go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on Thursday.

All right.