Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-26-15

Episode Date: January 27, 2015

Bill rambles about deflated footballs, the Hyatt Hotel and comedians in China.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 26, 2015. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? I am doing this at about 10.41 p.m. Monday night in Perth, Perth, Australia. Sorry, you guys are going to have to deal with my awful Australian accent and also the shitty recording thing that I'm going to use this week because I was not lugging my fucking mixer all the way over here. I remember I had a flash. I was packing up the mixer and last time I was in Australia. I remember I fucking, I plugged in the mixer and it got all shorted out even though I had the thing to the adapter, whatever the fuck you call it. Anyways, I'm in a fucking hotel room right now and it's gross.

I'm in a gross fucking hotel room right now. I don't even know where to begin to describe. First of all, the little fucking round coffee table. I had to wipe the whole thing down from the sticky drinks from the last time and then the fucking, the rug is just like, I'm trying to find an area of the rug that isn't stained, overrated everybody, the Hyatt, the fucking Hyatt. I remember when I was a kid, you know, the fucking Hyatt, even like a Hilton was considered nice. Now, granted, I grew up in a family that, you know, a number of times a month, we had chip, beef, on toast or chicken a la king for dinner, the scalloped potatoes and ham. This is before the food network. So whatever, whatever the fuck recipes were handed down or were on the back of a

fucking rice crispy box, that's what you ate. If you think about some of the shit you had, we had this fucking goulash, Hungarian goulash, that was actually good. Then we had this other shit, my mother used to put these fucking noodles in it. And one day, my older brother told me they were actually worms and every time I went to eat it, I'd be like fucking gagging. My mother didn't give a shit. She'd make me finish it. I can't believe I can't remember the name of it. Anyways, whatever, but back in the day, you know, a Hyatt and a Hilton were nice. Now, I don't know what happened. I don't think they've bought a rug, much less shampooed one. Me time I'm thinking I'm staying at the Hyatt, I always thought the Hyatt, this is going to be great. It's still stuck in my

head. Like way back in the fucking day. This place is a shit hole. Anyways, but I am excited to be out here. This is the furthest into Australia that I've ever been. Nice 14 hour flight to Sydney. And then we landed and fucking went into a hotel, hung out for part of the day. And then I had to do some big talk show. I don't remember the name of it. I'm so fucking jet-like. It was weird. It was weird. We, this is how we taped the thing. I went down into a conference room in the hotel. And they had me sitting in the room. And then in another room, they had the camera that I just look into and talk. And that person in there was in a room with the light shut out. So I look like some crazy person when my wife came in because I was sitting there with the light on me talking into a dark room.

And trying to be pleasant, but it was actually a really fun show. I wish I could have done it live. So anyway, so I'll be letting you guys know my fucking adventures over here as I go. Like I said, I'm starting off here in Perth. I believe the next night is in Melbourne. Melbourne, however the fuck you say it. And then Brisbane and then Sydney. And then I'm done. That's going to take a week. And then I'm over to New Zealand, then up to Singapore, Hong Kong, and then the fucking Mumbai, India, then over to New York to go do the Patrice O'Neill benefit. So there you go. That's going to be my goddamn week. All right, the fucking I talk about other than just being on a goddamn plane for the last fucking day of my life. Where do we begin? Where do we begin? Did anything happen

this week? I don't know if you guys saw this week. I was on the Bill Ma show. I don't think I felt so dumb in my life. You know, I felt like when I was on Bill Ma show, I felt like if I went on ESPN and I didn't watch sports, that's what it felt like. Everybody throwing out these fucking stats. It was like fantasy football, except they were talking about terrorism, or jails or something. I don't even know. Did the Larry Wilmore show too? The first one had a great time on that one. And that was another one. It was a politician from New Jersey. We were just firing out these fucking staturoy 85% of black males that they don't have enough toothpicks in their life. And, you know, if you're a white male, you get that plenty of everybody nodding in a grad. No fucking idea what

anybody was talking about. And you're probably saying, Well, Bill, you know, you're dumb. You know, you're not, you know, a meet the press kind of fucking person, either on a real or a fake news show. Why the fuck would you go do those gigs? Because everybody, I am promoting a movie that comes out January 30th, called Black or White, that stars Kevin Costner, Octavia Spencer, and was written by Mike Binder, and directed by Mike Binder. And I had a great time working on that thing. And, you know, the classic Hollywood didn't want to make it. Kevin Costner loved the story. He's worked with Mike Binder before on a movie called Upside of Anger. And he's, Costner said, Fuck it, we're going to make this movie. And he ended up

putting up his own money. So if you have the time, and you have, you know, 20 or 30 close friends, if you could drag them out to the local Cineplex and buy a ticket, watch it legally, and that type of thing, that would be awesome. I would really appreciate it. It's called Black or White. I actually play a lawyer. I play Kevin Costner's lawyer, Anthony Mackie's in it. Come on. And soon to be star Jillian Estelle is in it. I mean, it's just, it's a veritable who's who, except for me. That's the one I snuck in there. Should I tell the story, Bill? How did you get the part in that movie? You know what? The Conan O'Brien show. I was on Conan running my yap, and Mike Binder had a friend who was watching it, said, Hey, you got to see this guy. This guy's funny.

Binder watched it and said, Hey, you know what? That's the guy. That's Rick Reynolds. And I didn't even have to audition for it. And I fucking went out to New Orleans when we shot it. And I had no idea what I was getting myself into as far as I'm trying to think when I even read the fucking thing, when I even read the script, I think I read it as I was flying out there. You know, because that's where I am in this business. If you say I have a movie, I say yes before you even tell me what it's about. Speaking of which, I had another one that came out. I actually did a Zombevers. It's a movie about beavers that turn into zombies. Okay, and if that doesn't get your ass off the couch, I don't think anything will. You know, people try to give me shit about

that movie like Zombevers. What the fuck, dude? Like we didn't know that it was a joke going into it. A friend of mine, Jordan Rubin. Rubin, I used to do stand up with him like 20 fucking years ago in New York called me up and said, Hey Bill, I'm doing this movie. It's fucking over the top. It's crazy. It's ridiculous. So I was wondering if you would just do a one scene in it. And I said yes. And I did a scene with somebody else who's in disguise, who's actually super famous. And I'm actually hearing really good things about that thing, but fucking radio guys like to break my balls about it. Like I called up WBC and the Boston Toucher and Rich show morning show. Toucher was breaking my balls about it. You know, people see it's, it's a red flag.

You know, you got a movie called Zombevers. They start looking at you like, Bill, did you fucking did you blow a guy in this? Did you do a little bit of porn? But whatever. So those are the two, but black or white comes out January 30th. I know I'm horning myself out right out of the gate, but if you guys could go see it, it'd be really, really important. It's a great movie, great story. And a lot of these kinds of movies don't get made anymore because nobody pays for movies anymore, which is why movies either costs have like a fucking $500,000 budget or 500 million, because they're either like not going to invest a lot of money anymore, or they're going to try to make something like those Transformers superhero

fucking movies, because they're betting on the fact that you're going to be like, well, I got to go see that at the theater. I don't know. I don't know how the whole fucking thing works out, but you know, the deal, everybody steals everything. Now people put the fucking money up. So who knows what? So anyways, this is the Monday morning podcast. Let's see what the fuck happened this week. Now this is the off week, the fucking off week between the AFC and NFC championship games and the Super Bowl. So, you know, there's never anything to talk about. So this week, they had the whole stupid deflate gate thing, which I don't even really want to talk about. It was so fucking stupid. You know what I mean? It was almost like ESPN should have got sued

or whatever. You're not supposed to cry like you're not supposed to yell fire in a crowded movie theater. That's literally what they were doing. It was the stupidest fucking, the Colts lost by 38 goddamn points. You know, it's funny, some guy on ESPN, one of those science guys actually, you know, did this whole scientific experiment thing to see if I'll actually post this video and I always say this, but this time I actually will to see if it was an advantage. It actually turned out to be a slight disadvantage. The ball got there like a split second later and they said it was enough for a defender to get a fingertip more in the way of the path of the ball. I mean, it was so fucking stupid. I swear to God, man, I'm trying to come up with the theory here.

I just think generally speaking, people are sick of the Patriots and they fucking hate Bill Belichick. And I know right now that you guys are going to roll your eyes and whatever. I understand that you like this guy's a fucking Patriots fan. I don't want to hear it, but we'll just hear me out here. This is what I love about Bill Belichick is even in the press conference after the game and the press conference before his next game, that's already part of his game plan. Everybody always sits there and they talk about how he's so boring. I listen to these fucking idiots on sports radio. They try to say that he's a joyless man because he just goes up there and they'd be like, hey, you got Seattle coming up. What do you think about them? You guys are favored.

Do you think you can beat him? And it'll just be like, oh, they're a great team. Gotta work, gotta work, cut out for ourselves. He would do that if he were playing like the fucking Tampa Bay Buccaneers. You know, they're a great team and it's gonna be a tough game. Gotta work, cut out for ourselves. He knows what he's doing. Okay, because sports media, they're lazy. They're pieces of shit and they fucking take whatever you say and they only they only fucking take a clip of it and they twist it around and his bullet and board material for the other team or creates a fucking controversy and a distraction in the locker room. So he gives them nothing. So they don't like him. So they're looking to take the piss out of him. You know who the media loves? They love a guy like

Rex Ryan, who's gonna fucking come up and just be like, we're gonna win the Super Bowl. I wrote it on a bus, right? Right there. Rex Ryan will write 16 articles for you in one fucking one press conference. He's gonna give you your whole fucking season. And as a writer, you don't even have to work. You just put your feet up. All right, either he does it. And he's like Babe Ruth calling the home run shot, or he fails and we get to take the piss out of him. Done. Bill Pellichett gives him nothing. He makes him fucking work. He makes him actually watch the goddamn game. That was the biggest non fucking story I've ever heard. And, you know, I'm over here. I went on New York Post comm and I saw how Richard Sherman was kind of mentioning trying to suggest that we have this fucking special

relationship with the commissioner. I love how people just can't see the dirtbag shit that they're doing. Do you know the Seattle Seahawks have had the most people test positive for performance enhancing drugs since 2011, including Richard Sherman, who also tested positive. And then he said, Oh, it was a banned substance. And I took a sip off of another player's drink. You know what I mean? And I sipped it. I didn't know it was in there. So he got out of it. Now I'm going to choose to believe him. Okay, if I can choose to believe him, why can't he give us the fucking benefit of the doubt? Really? That's why it's in there. You took a sip of your buddy's drink who fucking missed a blonde who then did the time for you and he did it like a man.

He's going to come in here and decide on it a fucking blue. Give me a fucking break. Okay, Seattle Seahawks with their goddamn stadium that makes their crowd sound louder than it is. Is that cheating? Your own fucking coach who got busted so bad in the NCAA, they actually took a championship away from the guy. And this is the fucking thing. I'm not a Seahawks fan and I don't give a fuck about any of that shit. I don't give a shit if Richard Sherman was hurt and he did a fucking cycle to get through it. I don't give a fuck. I think they ought to be able to do it. I said that on Bill Martin, fucking NFL players ought to be able to take steroids and the other people smoke weed after the fucking game. They ought to be able to heal up their bodies and fucking,

you know, smoke a little weed, take away some of the pain. And there's actually arguments out there that say in the medicinal purposes of the fucking drug could actually combat Alzheimer's and this new study saying that. I don't know if it's fucking true, but I just think if you're going to like beat the shit out of your body, these fucking adonises that with two fingers could throw me across the room in their twenties and in their forties couldn't fucking beat me in a foot race, you know, across a fucking hotel lobby. I mean, I just feel like these guys, the damage that they do to their bodies, it shortens their lives and the quality of life that they're going to have when they are alive. Like I really think that they ought to be able to

like steroids or it's almost like medicine. I don't know. That's just my feeling. Hey, you want to build a fucking stadium that makes your crowd louder than it is? That's not against the rules, but it's kind of a what the fuck considering that Seattle was unbeatable at home and was pretty fucking human on the road for a couple of years now. I still don't even give a shit about that. And as far as that peak Carol breaking all those fucking rules to the point that they took away a Heisman trophy and a national championship, you know, all sneaky Pete fucking sitting there telling Mark Sanchez that he was leaving college too soon. And then all of a sudden the NCAA is at the front door and he sneaks out the back door like a fucking rat

and abandons all those goddamn kids that you know, he told when they signed their scholarships that he wasn't fucking going anywhere. He saved his own ass and he ran out the back fucking door. And you know what? That's division one college football. That's how it's fucking done. I don't give a fuck. I look at peak Carol like he just he got caught. You know, he might have been a little worse or a little less who the fuck knows. But just the way it works. It's the way it fucking works. So the same way your defensive back grabs a handful of Jersey and then the announcers go, Hey, you know, if you can get away with it, you know, good for you. It's the same fucking thing. So you got all that shit going on. This is what kills me. Seattle is actually going to be riding

into the Super Bowl wearing the white hat, which is fucking hilarious to me. Because they're just as filthy as anybody else, including the fucking Patriots. Give me a fucking break. Do you realize these people who actually sit there and call the Patriots cheaters? Do you realize that your entire fucking argument is based on Eric Mangini and fucking Jim Ursay? Okay. Not exactly the most upstanding citizens. I know I've talked about Jim Ursay before, but I'll talk about the guy again. That guy could not beat the fucking Patriots. His team could not beat the Patriots 10 years ago. We fucking manhandled the receivers during this game. He bitched about it. Peyton Manning bitched about it to the refs after the game. The refs were like, whatever, it was legal.

The fucking Pro Bowl comes along. Peyton Manning is still bitching about it. After the Super Bowl, Ursay and they make a fucking tape and they send it to the league and the league goes, the Patriots did nothing wrong. That is legal. Jim Ursay sat on the rules committee in the very next year. The way the Patriots were covering the fucking Colts was now suddenly illegal. And after five yards, you couldn't touch him and you just had to escort him down the field and they had Peyton Manning in his prime. Well, guess what? The Colts beat the Patriots and then they won a Super Bowl. Is that cheating? Is that gamesmanship? And as far as the spy gate thing goes, there was a league wide memo telling everybody to stop doing it. Okay. The stop having a

fucking cameraman standing down there on the sidelines in front of all the fans. They told everybody to stop doing it. Eric Mangini fucking built his resume doing that shit. Oh, Jesus, somebody just rang the door. Am I going to get in trouble here? Whatever. So give me a fucking break. So the Patriots get caught and then all of a sudden they question their entire fucking legacy. Oh, and then meanwhile we go off and win like fucking 13 games every goddamn year for the rest of the fucking time. And then people like, well, you didn't win a Super Bowl. And it's like, oh, yeah, that has nothing to do with our defense. It has to do with the fact that we weren't fucking filming people. Give me a goddamn break,

because I'll tell you this right now. If just filming the other team got you a goddamn dynasty, every fucking team in the league would still be doing it. They'd be just doing it right up from the coach's box. There's no camera with a zoom on it. And if you think people aren't fucking doing that now, stealing goddamn signs, absolutely they are. Hang on a second. There's somebody here. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hello. Oh, hey, room service. All right. Set it down right there. You just put it right there on the table, right here, right here, this table, this table. Yeah, beautiful. Sorry about that. There you go. You like that? That was actual room service captured on a podcast. So whatever, all you guys out there,

all you Patriot haters, you can run all you fuck, you guys can run your mouths all you want. I don't give a fuck. Okay, your team's doing shit too. Okay, I love how only we get questioned about that stuff. The Saints were taking out bounties on other players. Does anybody question their Super Bowl title? I don't. You know, did you guys see Fran Tarkington losing his mind? He's still talking about Super Bowl nine when he showed up and he talked to his lineman. Was it Stu Voight? Is that what's the guy's name? It's like a Hall of Famer and he's looking over at the Steelers and he's looking at looking at the Vikings and he just goes, how come there's so much bigger than we are? It turns out later, like 90% of them were on Roids, including Terry Bradshaw,

who admitted that he was on Roids. Does anybody question the fucking Super Steelers of the 70s? No. So go fuck yourself if you're going to be sitting here talking about goddamn balls that weighed like fucking half a fucking, whatever the fucking was, that minute unbelievable deflate gate. And by the way, can we stop putting gate at the end of everything? That was funny in like the 1980s with the Iran Contra and somebody called it Iran gate. And ever since then, everything is gate. It's just like fucking hacks. Come up with a better goddamn joke. So there you go, everybody. All you fucking cunts who are on Twitter and you're trying to say that you know, the Patriots, a bunch of cheaters, I see through everything that you're saying,

you're saying you're sick of losing to us, but get used to it because Tom Brady still has another three, four years left. Now, can we get on to talking about the Super Bowl? Which is arguably the greatest fucking matchup going, oh, you know, I made a fucking great point about the Patriots Colts thing. Another fucking stain on the goddamn table. Sorry, man, I got cleanest fucking tables. God damn, this is just fucking gross. Fucking gross. Anyways, it's going to be a great goddamn game. Seattle should be favored, but every mouth breathing moron in Vegas is going to see Brady and Belichick. So they put their money over there. So then Vegas has got to adjust the line to get money on both sides of the ball. It's the same old fucking story, but I actually liked that this

whole stupid deflated footballs things came out. I think that's going to work to our advantage. Maybe if we played this Sunday, I think by next Sunday, it's going to be pretty much fucking over. I'll be looking for some silly, stupid signs from dumb fans all painted in green, you know, the Seattle fans will have signs talking about the Patriots like their cheaters, and at no point will it dawn on them why they don't sound even remotely as loud in a different stadium. They'll blame it on the fact that half the place is filled with fucking Patriots fans. Well, do the math. You should at least be half as loud as you are in your stadium, which you're not going to be. Because down there in Arizona, it's just a regular old

stadium. So there you go. That's my whole take on that type of thing. And here's the deal. If we play the fucking Super Bowl in Seattle beats us, and they do some dumb shit like fucking deflate the ball a little bit, you know, and we lose by 38. Okay, give me a fucking break. I will sit there and be like, wow, the Seattle Seahawks just kicked that fucking ass. That's what I would say. But, you know, that's not how the fucking world works, is it? When you get fucking four 24-hour sports channels. It was a fucking lead story on CNN. Give me a fucking break. So anyways, what do I think about the Super Bowl? I have no, I mean, I think on paper, the fucking Seahawks win. I think defense wins championships, as they always say,

and they have the better defense and a monster defense. I love their defense. I think and I think it's way easier to shut down the Patriots offense than it is to beat Seattle's defense. And I think our defense is good, but it's not as good as Seattle's. And when I look at it, I just feel like that's going to be the difference. We're not good at stopping the run. And they have Marshawn Lynch and Russell Wilson is obviously looking pretty human after the last game. But I mean, maybe he just had a bad game. But that guy's mobile is hell. And so we're obviously, as all teams, we're going to have to have one guy just sitting there babysitting him the entire fucking game. But they don't have the greatest receivers. I don't know. But I still, you know,

we can't get any pressure on the quarterback. I swear to God. So I don't know. I just think on paper, we lose. But for some reason, I have a good feeling for some reason, I think we're going to win. That's probably just me as a Patriots fan. But this is really a Super Bowl. I have no fucking idea. I have no idea about but I got this feeling that it's going to be a classic. I really hope it is. I don't want to see a boring one. But here's the thing. I don't know if I'm even going to be able to see it live. I think I'll be live. Well, do it live. I think I'm actually flying to New Zealand when the fucking game is on. And it's a five hour flight. They better have some fucking TVs on there. Man, I screwed up booking this, this fucking tour when I did.

How the fuck did I know the Pats were going to be in the goddamn Super Bowl? Remember that when they lost to the fucking Chiefs? Now everybody's acting like they didn't fucking say that they were done. I was convinced they were done. I thought I just felt like we just kept getting rid of veterans. Didn't want to pay their last contract and we just were getting slowly weaker by the season. I totally bought into it. So I'm as surprised as anybody that were there. So that's it. I won't talk anymore about that shit. So anyways, I'm over here in Australia and today, lo and behold, is Australia Day. I don't know why. I don't know what it is if it's their Independence Day. I don't know that, you know, I don't know a fucking thing

about Australia. I know they have a very similar history to the United States in that, you know, they had some Englishmen come over here, right? And then there was people already here. So that was a problem. And they dealt with it in a way that centuries later, you know, musicians and shit with guilt would write songs, didn't they? Out where the river broke, right? The time has come. Remember that guy? He said the time has come to say fair is fair. To pay the rent to pay our share. And then the enemy, let's give it back. Give what back? The fucking land? And then what are you going to displace? Fucking 9 million people? How many fucking people in this country? It's over. You know,

it's a terrible thing that happened. Just give them casinos like we did. And you get on with your lives. So anyways, I have no idea what Australia Day is. I could probably look it up here for you. If you want to, you already heard room service, you want to listen to me fucking type here. Anyways, let's say basically they celebrate Australia. I gotta think that they could have come up with a better fucking name than Australia Day. Hey, it's USA Day. You know, it's not attached to anything. But whatever, I gotta respect that everybody gets a day off, which is great on a Monday, which is even better. So you get a three day fucking weekend. And then everybody kind of booses it up. We got out here to Perth, you know what I saw two fucking

El Camino looking cars that I haven't seen like, uh, I don't like, I don't, it wasn't made by Chevrolet. But what was fucking hilarious is that both people were fucking kind of doing burnouts and driving like assholes. So it's nice to see that that made me feel like I was home. Oh, like a guy with a ratty haircut driving a fucking El Camino looking car. All right, here we go. Australia Day is the official net official, the official national day. See that's how I read my fucking brain is ahead of my goddamn mouth. Australia Day, Australia Day is the official national day of Australia celebrated annually on the 26th of January. It marks the anniversary of the 1788 arrival of the first fleet of British ships at Port Jackson, New South Wales and raising

of the flag, the flag of Great Britain at that site by Governor Arthur Phillip. By the way, that reference, do you have a flag that's, um, Eddie Izard, who was actually on my flight. And I wanted to say a little bit because I'm a huge fan, but I don't know. I felt like I was going to be bugging him. So I didn't, he's actually over here right now. Thank God. Not playing the same city that I'm playing or I wouldn't have sold any tickets. In present day Australia celebrations reflect the diverse society and landscape of the nation. Nice. Nice. See how they wiggled their way out of that? Because I was just saying the indigenous people here must not be thinking January 26 was the great fucking day in their history. So now they've kind of moved it around. It's kind of,

you know, the diverse society that we live in. You know, we live indoors and you live outdoors. In the outback, or maybe you sit around playing a fucking didgeridoo on the street corner in Sydney. Family events, reflections on Australian history, reflections on Australian history. Hey, you probably shouldn't have killed all those people. Officially, official community. I'm not, I'm not judging you guys. You Aussie people. Okay. We get the same fucking history and worse. Imagine if you did that and then you added slavery and then then you let a select group of people take over your food supply and turn it into poison. Right. And then everybody gets addicted and then years later you yell at the fat people on a show called the biggest loser. You know what? They

finally came out with a fucking article talking about how dangerous that show is. Me and Nia used to watch that all the time and I used to sit there saying they're going to fucking kill somebody. Somebody's going to die. I don't work out this hard ever in my fucking life. And you know, I'm not 400 pounds over fucking weight, but they were talking, they did this whole article on it talking about people fucking up their joints and having really, really bad problems and afterwards and putting the weight back on and the diets that basically the amount of calories that they give them is like really dangerous. And all this shit that you obviously knew when you watched the fucking show, but one of the funniest things was something I can't even fucking remember.

What the fuck was I just thinking of? Jesus Christ. I mean, this is the usual me out of my mind and I'm beyond fucking jet-lagged. Oh, I know. They said like really over the top mean stuff. Like you're not going to see your daughter's 12th birthday. And as mean as that is, it's actually true though. You can't walk around some of the shit they were doing. There was one guy, I was actually jealous of him. You know, not that he was fat, but just a fact I would love to have done what he did. Every day he fucking had like three quarter pounders with cheese and like three large fries for lunch and a giant Coke. You know, I know that you would feel like shit afterwards, but just think of how awesome that would be as you were consuming it when you felt that rush

of salt and sugar just sending your mood and everything else through the fucking roof. That's one of those things where you just start rocking back and forth by the time you get into the third one. You've already drinking half a gallon of soda. You start like humming songs that didn't even exist before, you know, it's a very creative point during that process before you just completely crash out. But anyways, how many minutes are we in here? Oh shit, 32 minutes. Okay, let me, let me read a little bit of advertising or let's get no let me attempt. Let me attempt to read here. You know what the time has come to read the fucking advertisement. What the hell is it? Live reads. All right, bam. Okay. 90%. Oh, me undies. Me undies. No more

sweaty balls, but boo boo boo. Hey, you know what? I'm actually wearing a pair right now. And I got to tell you, they even work down under, down under my fucking balls there. Down under your under carriage. All right, 90%. That's a percentage, 90%. That's a percent of your life that you're going to be in your underwear. And the underwear gets old fast, you know, that feeling of putting on old saggy underwear. That does stink, right? You know what I mean? It was just fucking hanging down like MC hammer pants. Your balls are just hanging there, right? Just fucking hanging like Jesus Christ. My underwear quit. Why should I even try today? Then you walk in, your boss goes, yeah, listen, we did a review, you're not getting a raise. And you just, all right, your head hangs

down just like your balls, just like your underwear. It all goes south just like your life. Then your wife and your fucking girlfriend leave you or your boyfriend, whatever your fucking deal is. And you know, it's just, it's not a good thing. All right. So what you need to do is you need to know about meundies.com. Meundies is the most comfortable underwear you will ever wear. And it's insane how good they make you feel. And by they, they mean your balls, they fit perfectly. They don't ride up on you. And they literally pull moisture away from your skin. Gross. So you stay cool. I have mine on right now and I am floating. Well, I got mine on right now. I wouldn't say I'm floating. I'm fucking chilling though. They have cool styles for both men and women. They all

look great. Oh, for women too. Meundies, meundies, no more clammy clam. No more yeast infections. Boom. Ba-dee-ba-da-ba-doo-ba-da-ba-dee-bee-bee. Keep it off your fucking clam. Get that moisture gone. Oh yeah. Nobody wants a sweaty clam. All right. Check out the photos yourself of what? Sweaty clams? Oh, at meundies.com. This quality would typically retail for two times the meundie price according to meundies. I don't know if you guys are up on the fucking price underwear. No retail middlemen means more savings for you. Here, I'll make it easy. Go to meundies.com slash bar and get 20% off your first order and free shipping. Save even more when you buy a pack of them. They guarantee you're going to be happy with them or your first pair is free. That's

funny. They guarantee they're going to be happy. Your first pair is free. Well, I'm not happy. Not happy with it. Yeah, but you got it for free. Well, it doesn't mean I'm going to wear them. Can you take them back? I don't need the clutter. All right. National Academy of Sports Medicine. They're here. New Year's resolution. Oh my God. Everyone's got one. Get in shape. Be healthier. Get a new job. Stop hating myself. Become a certified personal trainer with the National Academy of Sports Medicine. And you can do all three. You know, what better time to become a personal trainer when our food supply has been turned into poison? The fitness industry is booming and the demand for personal trainers is soaring. Imagine waking up every day excited to get to work

not not to a job, but to a rewarding career. It is. You can help somebody stop their food addiction and not die by the time their kid is 12. That's about as rewarding as it gets when you think getting paid to stay in shape while helping others to reach their fitness goals. You set your own hours, work in health clubs, sports clinics and corporate wellness and you'll love who you work with. Yeah. And then eventually you take your clients and you start working out in your own garage. That's what you do. You build your own fucking gym in the garage and that way you don't have to pay any commission to the gym and you get your clients over there. You start a revolutionary workout, right? Then you write a book and then you make a million. Then you're on your way.

Right? Get out of your cubicles. Work for yourself. Okay. Finally, do what you truly enjoy and get paid for it. Get a head start on 2015 and begin your certification from the National Academy of Sports Medicine now. If you don't land a job as a personal trainer within 60 days of certification, they'll give you your money back guaranteed. Go to myUSATrainer.com for a free 14-day sneak peek of their fast and fun online program. That's myUSATrainer.com, myUSTrainer.com. Restrictions apply. Visit myUSATrainer.com for details. That's pretty cool, man. I could be a personal trainer. I mean, I couldn't, the way I'm shaped right now, but I mean, I could do that fucking job. I think, I don't know, it'd be a fun job and then you would stay in shape because, you know,

no one's going to go to a fat personal trainer. It'd be good motivation. All right, vegas.com, unless you get some pussy. Did you see that fucking dude in the kayak that tipped over? Help me. I don't know what to do. You got to see this thing. If I can find it, it, some woman taped her fucking friend. Water's filling up in the kayak. If I move it sinks, I don't know what to do. This is an adult. Can you imagine trying to personal train that person? I can't imagine the amount of women out there that are personal trainers, right? To some fucking shlubby guy who fucking bitches and moans like that. That's got to be extra fucking awful for him. You know, just to sit there dealing with, I already, if he had some whiny

female client, I would think a whiny dude would be even worse. You know, I don't know. Anyways, let me just move on here. vegas.com, everybody, 10% off everything, excluding air hotel packages using my code BRR. vegas.com is the way to book Vegas. All right, they really do serve up Vegas from the inside because unlike the other travel sites, they're from Vegas. They live in Vegas, work in Vegas, party in Vegas. They give you insider tips on where to stay and what to do when you get there. vegas.com comes propriety drop watch tool promises the lowest rates on hotels. Drop watch continues to monitor the prices even after you book and notifies you of changes to ensure that you get the best deal. Book at the lower rate and they will refund you the difference.

What? Book at the lower rate and they will refund you the difference. What do you mean? I'm booking at the lower rate. The difference of what? The higher price I was paying? Oh, Jesus. Vegas.com saves you money on shows, headliner shows, comedy, pen and teller, Ron White, Kara Top, Cirque de Soleil, Vegas.com offers more VIP bottle service at top clubs. Oh, we're in the fucking VIP room over here. Cheap tickets, best strip clubs. Go to vegas.com right now and when you book hotels, shows, clubs, pick anything on the site that suits you, enter my code burr in the promo box and check out and get an extra 10% off everything but air hotel packages. That's vegas.com. Get bonus savings with my secret code BURR. I got to tell you guys,

if you want some insider thing, they kind of alluded to it. Now they're getting away from it. But you can go out to Vegas and you can drive like a fucking Lamborghini or a Ferrari on a racetrack if you get off the strip. You also can go out there and you can shoot a fucking machine gun in the desert. Anybody can go and get some fake boobs rubbed in their fucking face as they drink a drink with the fucking umbrella in it. I'm not saying don't do that. Definitely do that and have a good time but you know, you should also be talking to her. You know, hey Porsche, you know I shot a machine gun today while riding in a Ferrari. You can do something like that. All right, I apologize for that awful fucking, just awful everything in general content. What the hell is

it? Come on man, come back to me. It's time for the content and you won't show it to me. All right, here we go. Wait, was there anything else I want to talk about before I got into the emails? Before I got right, before I got to the emails. Oh, you know what, when I was on the plane right over, I actually, you know, I watched that movie Lucy. That was a movie that I wanted to see in the theaters. It just kind of came and went. I didn't hear the greatest things about it. I got to tell you, for a rental, it's not bad. It's not a bad movie. You know, you got that big pouty hotties. You know, she's running around, whatever her fucking name is. Sebastian Bach. What the fuck is her name? She's got one of those names except the chick. It's like

the chick version of Sebastian Bach. Right? What is her name? Aniston. It's a really beautiful name. Anyway, she's in it. And they got some good bad guys. They got like some Asian mob guys. Those guys are always cool. You know what I mean? They fucking cut their finger off if they do something bad for their boss. I've always liked that. I've always liked the Italian mob thing. I've always liked that. And the Asian mob guys, you know what I mean? Because the Asian mob guys always combine like fucking, not only can they shoot a gun, but then they always added the martial arts shit in there with fucking knives and spinning stuff around. You know, that's what I like about the Asian mob. Before they whack you, they have the decency to put on like a show,

like, like murder Cirque du Soleil, right? Torture Cirque du Soleil, whatever the fuck it is. I actually watched that and then, you know, I still had another like five hours on the flight. And I listened to Sergeant Pepper's, the whole fucking album, which I hadn't listened to in so long. That is one of the greatest fucking albums of all time. And it's kind of this backlash by younger people that try to say the Beatles are overrated. And all I'm going to say is I just feel bad for you guys, because I had never heard of Jay Dilla until he died. And I follow Questlove on Twitter and he did some sort of link. And I kind of got into that guy. And if you actually listen to Sergeant Pepper with all this shit that they got going on in the background, crowd noises

and all that, these crazy sounds and all of that, you almost see like the, these elements of what Jay Dilla was doing on that album, like fucking 40 years before, it's absolutely fucking amazing album. But anyway, so we were flying, right? And as always, I use all my miles when I got a really long flight like this. And so we were riding up front, like big shots. And this woman was up front, these two women were sitting next to each other and in front of them, they had two little kids. And then there was another little kid. And these kids were running all, all the fuck way around. And is there anything worse than seeing a parent whose kid just doesn't even listen to him? It's like seeing a coach that like lost the locker room. The kid kept getting up, the kid was getting up,

we were still taken off, like we were still be, we were still ascending to our cruising altitude. And this, she'd be like, she'd go, Hey, I told you to sit down. He would just look at her, nod her head and then continue to fucking run around. And I don't know, she looked over me at one point, I just gave her this fucking look like, I don't know what it was, I was annoyed. Because the kid kept, you know, running by and then bumping into you. And the kid was old enough to not be cute anymore. You know, he was just old enough where I was considering tripping him when he went by, he was like that age, what is that age like six, seven years old, not seven, seven, you can talk to him. It's like, look, four and under you don't lay your hands on him,

between four and six, you trip him. And then after that age, you just look at him like, you sit him down like a person, you like do what the fuck's wrong with you. All right. Is that good parenting? Anyways, all right, let's get to the fucking questions here for the week. What the hell are they? I'll tell you, it was cool being at the airport, man, now that I'm actually flying and took all the shit that I looked out the window and I never fucking understood. I'm actually seeing what runway we're on, what taxiway we're on. And I'm figuring out why we're still holding there. It's pretty fucking cool because it was horrible weather, just gloomy and that type of shit. So the fucking, the tower had like all this

traffic lined up and we were just sitting there and my wife's going like, we're not leaving, we're not leaving. And I'm looking out the window and I think I was able to call it, like when he was going to let us go. I don't know, I can't wait to get back to that. I got six more lessons and then I actually take my check ride and I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking, I'll be a major fucking accomplishment if I actually get that thing. I got to be honest with you, I brought my notebooks and all that shit to study and these fucking pre-tests on the internet and I don't know, you got to get a 70% and my school tries to get you up to like 90 and I'm all over the map. I'm 85, 90 on some shit and all this stuff. I'm in the 60s,

but I'm no lower than the 60s. So I figure this the next three weeks as I'm out on the road, I'll just try to do an hour and a half every fucking day. Anyways, I'm pretty bored this shit out of you, but I don't care. All right, be the match everybody. Billy M.D. I'm a 45 year old female whose son survived from a rare form of bone marrow cancer because of be the match.org. Be the match.org was something that I mentioned joining a couple podcasts ago in case you weren't listening. So anyways, I was driving to work and listening to your podcast and when you mentioned this, I almost started screaming for joy. You're the first woman who ever listened to my podcast who considered screaming for joy,

unless I was saying, well, that's the podcast for this week. Then they usually like, oh, thank God it's over. We were told that he would have a very hard time qualifying to be a donor because of certain factors. You mean getting a donor? Very hard time, yeah, to be a donor. I think you mean qualify, getting a match, I should say. Anyways, we stayed positive and after a year and a half, a donor match was found. The match was a young man in his late 20s who had heard about be the match and decided to enter, decided to register on a whim. Thank you so much for mentioning it on the podcast. My husband and I often question why programs like this aren't mentioned in bigger forums, be it 60 minutes or the state

of the union address. I don't know anyone who wouldn't save someone's life if they could. The donor, or as we refer to him as Superman, had heard about this from a friend at a dinner party. Attending that dinner party in turn saved my son's life, which means that you could be part of saving someone's life too just by having mentioned it. I'm welling up just writing this email and I know your listeners are usually writing in about psycho women and sports, but if you happen, if you do happen to read this, I just want you to know that it means the world to us. Jesus, this is too fucking nice for me to read. Too many compliments here. To reiterate, what you mentioned on the podcast, the test is literally just swapping, I think swapping your

cheek with a Q-tip. Not swapping your cheek, that would be some face off shit. With the Q-tip, they send you and putting it in a mailbox. If you happen to match with someone in the registry they contact you and you have the option of saving someone's life. Fuck this, I'm doing this. I gotta do this. Jesus Christ. Be the match.org everybody. How about you do that? Why don't you guys go out and do that thing and then the next time your spouse, your girlfriend, or your boyfriend gives you shit, like what have you been doing all day? What have I been doing? Saving fucking lives, lady. Or buddy. Whatever women say to their guys. You fucking asshole. All right, got drunk, said some things. Wow, got drunk, said some things. Did I write this?

Dear Bill, I am what many people have called a habitual line crosser. Ah, the classic Charlie Murphy line from the Rick James sketch. I am a habitual line crosser when I drink. Last night, I was out with some coworkers and my boss. Oh no, at a brewery festival. Oh Jesus. All right, what are you guys guessing here? Probably told his boss he didn't know what he was doing and if his boss was female, he probably made a pass at her. What are you guys going with? Did he say something dumb or did he grab somebody's ass? Anyways, I ended up getting fucking, I ended up getting fucking rocked and told my boss to her face. Oh my God, she's a female. Here we go. I am willing to lose my job to sleep with you. That's actually kind of funny.

He said she laughed and blushed at the bold statement and proceeded to leave almost directly after this. Oh no. Oh, you said it to the wrong person. Oh, you said it to the wrong person. I'm writing this to you on Sunday morning and have to report to the old fucking clock puncher tomorrow. I have no shame addressing sexual tension with the woman, but my boss fucked me. My plan is to just carry on like it never happened because honestly, I don't care. And see how she responds with either A, not addressing it and keeping me employed, B, filing sexual harassment, losing my job and sleeping with me. And he writes, yeah. See filing sexual harassment, losing my job and not sleeping with me. Boo.

Letting me keep my job and sleeping with me. Fuck yeah. What's your take on all of this? I don't have a take on it because you have to give a shit and you don't. You're one of those guys. I have no shame addressing sexual tension. I love the sexual tension. What? Your sexual tension? It doesn't seem like she had any. You kind of just looking at this from your own perspective. You have all the makings of a high ranking CEO and of a corporation because you don't give a shit. You have no guilt whatsoever. You've already weighed out all the options. You just, hey, I get away with it. Either do or I don't. You've completely emotionally not even attached to this

thing. You're a dangerous human being and I hope you don't get up. I hope you're not in charge of the fucking water supply. All right. Relationship advice. Yo, Billy bitch tits. First off, just want to say, and right now that guy's like, what the fuck, man? That's fucking, dude, think about it right now. You don't have any guilt whatsoever. You don't give a fuck. You're not looking like, oh man, I got a drinking problem. I, you know, I got to change my life. You know, if I'm going to get anywhere in life, you completely don't even give a shit. And then you turn yourself into like this fucking hero. I got no problem addressing sexual tension. Hey, you know who I am. You know, I am. Somebody's got to say it's going to be me. Whatever, man. Good for you. I hope you're banger.

All right, it's time for some more advertising. I actually forgot to read these things. So just had to fucking read these and then drop them in. So sorry for the abrupt going from me babbling to talking about the fucking advertising. All right, here we go. DSC, everybody. Delta, Sierra, Charlie. Can someone tell me when razors? Oh, let's do all the shave club. Now they're DSC. These guys are feeling themselves. Can someone please tell me when razors got so damn expensive? Have I been asleep for the last 20 years? I was in a store one day and one of the packs of razors cost 20 bucks. That's only one pack, people. That's absolutely nuts. All right. But you know, sometimes I actually give you a free dick, free dick, a free gift

when you buy their overpriced razors, which is actually just a punch in the dick. Dude, I swear to God, I cannot fucking read. And then I try and riff and then I'm thinking like, just get to the dick part. That's the joke. Give you a free dick. They give you a free dick, everybody. Here you go. That's all right. You already got one. Now you got an extra one. You never know. All right. Don't get beat up by ridiculous razor prices. Get your shave gear where I get mine from DollarShaveClub.com for just a few bucks. DollarShaveClub.com delivers amazing razors and other great grooming supplies right to your doorsteps like Dr. Kavi's Easy Shave Potter. Their plan starts at just $3 and here's how it works. They send me, they handle for free

and every month they send me replacement blades. It's one less thing to worry about. You can get deliveries every month or every other month. However the hell you want to do it. They got lots of other grooming supplies too. You know that I love the One Wipe Jellies. Why pay $20 for a razor when you can get a fantastic shave from DollarShaveClub.com for a fraction of the price? Stop getting smacked around by high razor prices, you son of a bitch. DollarShaveClub.com razors are great and they're a fraction of the price. Trust me. You'll wish that you had done this sooner. Don't be a dumbass. Shave smarter. Go to DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. That's DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. All right, Stamps.com everybody, the classic.

Trips of the post offers are never convenient. So why not get postage right from your desk with Stamps.com? Stamps.com even gives you special postage discounts that you cannot get at the post office including first class, priority mail, express, international and more. You'll never pay full price for postage again. Here's how Stamps.com works using your own computer and printer by imprint official US postage for any letter or package. Then just hand your mail to the mailman or drop it in the mailbox. Bing, bang, boom. That's that easy. You're done. It's no wonder over 500,000 small businesses are already using Stamps.com. I use Stamps.com to send out all my posters whenever I'm whoring myself out after shows trying to make a little bit of extra cash.

I'm a moron if I can figure out so can you. Right now use my last name Burr to get this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Do not wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R that's Stamps.com enter Burr. And lastly, but not leastly, legal zoom. What's your top New Year's resolution? If you're like me, it's getting your life organized. But where do you begin? A great place to start is protecting your family and a great way to take control of your family's future is making a will or living trust. That's where legal zoom can help. There's no easier way to make sure your family is legally taken care of.

Getting your life organized also means taking control of your financial affairs. So if you're thinking of starting a business or you're or you already have one, legal zoom can help can help you form your business. What can help you form your business and provide the support you need to run it successfully? For more than 10 years, legal zoom has helped millions of people get personalized attention that they need. And if you'd like more help, they can connect you with an independent attorney in most states, but they are not a law firm. This month, you can save even more by entering Burr in the referral box at checkout. That promo code is Burr. Don't let another year pass before getting your life organized. For legal help, you can count on your family or small business.

Go to legal zoom.com, promo code Burr, B U R R. Relationship advice. Yo, Billy bitch tits. First off, just want to say a huge fan of your stand-up podcast. All right, so I am 21 years old and in the military living in England. I just got here two months ago and have a girlfriend back home in the States who I've been with for about a year and a half. And you've already met someone who wants to ban you over there because you got an accent in a military haircut. You've been doing pull-ups and you're in the prime of your life, right? That's what I'm guessing. She's a great girl, tall brunette, has a fucking rocking body. Oh, Jesus. And it's a sweetheart with a good family. Oh, good Lord, dude. If all of that is true,

I would rub one out in England for a while. I feel like I hit the jackpot and we are working on getting her over here, which would mean we would have to be married. I want to do it, but at the same time, whenever we talk about it, I get nervous as fuck and this weird feeling in my gut holding me back. I don't know if that's normal cold feet or what. I feel like if I dumped her, I'd be making a huge mistake, but at the same time, I don't want to get married and wake up two years from now angry that I wasn't single, living overseas and could have had the time of my life. What would you do in my situation? She's the mother of my kid's material. What? What? But not sure if we're too young. Oh, she's the mother of my kid's material, but not sure if

we're too young. Nice and go fuck yourself. I don't know how old you are. You sound like you're young. I would address this with her. I don't know. Is that bad advice? I think every guy fucking has cold feet and freaks the fuck out. And it's just like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Because women get married. It's just like there's such an advantage to it. You know, the way the divorce laws are set up, like they're, for the most part, they're not going to lose unless they're making more money. And then they got to be nervous, I would think. But also, I think just in general, they believe in that romance stuff and all that shit. What would you do? I don't know, man. That's a fucking rough one. Hell, let me tell you,

that's a rough one, you know? Do you love her? You know what I mean? If you love her and you don't want to lose her, I got to tell you, you won't regret marrying her. All right? Occasionally, you'll be pissed that you didn't crush all that ass over there and you'll go into the bathroom and you'll rub one out. And the second you rub one out, you're going to be like, I made the right fucking choice. All right? I don't know. Are you 21 years old or do you not got to get married at 21? Here's the deal. Just tell you want to be with her, but you're not ready to get married. You're only 21 years old. That's what I would do. See, I don't want to be married yet. I'm only 21. I want to experience my 20s a little bit. What do you mean? Fuck somebody else? Yeah. No. Dude,

you're only 21 years old, okay? If this fucking woman already wants to get married, I mean, I think it's normal to 21 to fucking not want to get married. Just say, look, let's get married around like 26. What is the rush? Let's be single and fucking enjoy ourselves, but like be together, whatever. I would go down that road. Jesus. You know, sometimes you guys ask me these life changing fucking questions and I got to try to weigh all options here. I don't want you to get rid of the love of your life and I also don't want to fucking have you locked down at 21. It's going to come down to use their fucking private. You're going to have to figure this one out. But yeah, I would start with that. See, if you can, oh, I see to get her over there, you'd have to

fucking marry her. Dude, that's not a reason to marry her. I would do the long distance relationship thing. I don't know what the fuck I would do. All right. Sorry. I did my best. If anybody has any advice for this kid, just fucking write it next week and I'll, you know, if it makes sense, I'll read it. All right. Annoying father-in-law. Dear Bill, I'm a pretty well rounded guy. All right. Let's get out of the gate. This guy's patting himself on the back. I'm not a complete stiff, but I'm also not a flake. Wait a minute. Dude, those are both bad things. You know, I'm not a jerk, but I'm also not an asshole. I'm not a complete stiff, but I'm also not a flake. That doesn't make any fucking sense to me. Anyways, I have my shit in order. When you work hard to

have your life together, the last thing you want is someone telling you stuff you don't need to hear about when you're supposed to be doing or what you're supposed to be doing with your life and money. My father-in-law is this person in my life. All he cares about is the market, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, IRAs. He actually wrote bonds instead of bonds. All he talks about is watching his money grow and now I should be saving everything so I can live rich when I'm older. The thing is, I do save aggressively. I'm doing just fine. Recently, I booked a trip to Greece to surprise my wife for our third wedding anniversary. On our first date, she said she always wanted to go to Greece. I told her she'd get there within five years. That was just under five years ago. Look

at you. You're the man of your work. It seems like I came through clutch here. Her father, on the other hand, said it was not the right time because of the exchange rate. Safety of traveling abroad and anything else he could throw in there. How do I respond to him? Do I laugh it off and just wait till he talks shit again and again and live with it? Or do I put him, pull him aside and let him know I don't want to hear his shit anymore? Thanks. I would do both. I would experimenting with laughing it off at first and if he keeps coming at you, at some point, you just got to take him aside and just be like, listen, I would actually talk to your wife about a first just to tell her that you're going to do it just in case he comes at her with his fucking

story of like, I was just trying to help it. He just browbeated me. I would just say, you just say to your wife, look, listen, I know your father means well, but you know, he's always talking to me about my finances, our finances and that type of thing. All right. I know he's very smart with money and that type of thing, but I also feel like I'm smart with money in my own way. All right. And I've saved my money and we can afford this and we're young and you're beautiful and you want to go to Greece and I'm taking you because I love you. All right. But I got to be honest with you, if your dad keeps opening his yap, I'm going to fucking shove a dinner roll in it. Are we cool? All right. What are we watching tonight? Real housewives will be going to

watch a little sports. Whose night is it? There you go. And then you're out. But at some point, yeah, you got to sit down. If you do have an annoying person like that in your life, you really got to sit down with them and you have to do it. I do it in a restaurant, take them out to lunch. So there's no option for any screaming and yelling and just lay it on the line. You just got to say it on that. Listen, I love your daughter more than anything in the world and you have to know that I'm going to take care of her. All right. And then it'll be, right after that, you catch him off guard because he knows it's a fucking deep conversation. He wasn't ready for it. You're ready. All right. And just say, listen,

I know you're concerned about a well-being. Of course you are. You're a great dad. All right. But I am saving money and we are going to be fine. I just do it a little bit different than you. Your daughter has always wanted to go to Greece and I would rather take her now in the prime of her life than bring her over there when we're both, you know, walking around with dentures and canes. Okay. I want her to enjoy this before we have kids and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this is what I'd like to do and I need you to respect that. And I appreciate your comments about our finances, but I would, but I would, I don't, how do you say this part? I would just say, listen, I will come to you because I know you know what you're doing. But if I, if I am having

a problem financially, which I am not, but if I am, you are the first person I will come to with advice. Okay. Until then, I don't want to hear another fucking word. I don't want to fucking do it, smooth it out. That's basically what you do. All right. So that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I got my first show tomorrow night here in Perth. I'm really looking forward to it, man. I'm going to put my hour together out here and looking forward to all the people that I'm going to see in comics that I'm going to meet and that type of shit. And it's going to be insane. It's already been saying going through Australian into New Zealand, but when I go into Southeast Asia, experiencing those cultures, it's just going to be unreal. Like in China, I had this great

interview with the guy for the Hong Kong gig. And he was mentioning how Hong Kong, you know, that they're, they're basically their own deal. They have their own constitution and shit. But in mainland China, as he called it, like, do you know, he said recently, they, they, they banned puns. They banned puns and word play in the media, which I know everybody else is probably going to laugh like all that silly, you can't make a pun. But you know, humor is a great way to take the piss out of the fucking people that are in power. And it's a clever way to do it, where you can't quite get busted for it. And unless you get a psycho, which maybe they do, but whatever, but it's a way to kind of make your point and stay out of jail and start a movement

or whatever. So they've banned that type of thing. And I guess the comedians in China are pushing the boundaries of what is allowed on stage. And what is amazing to me over there is that in China, the standups over there, that art form, which I think eventually it will go global, it's really weird that that art form has not the fact that music, you know, acting and all these film, all pictures, painting, all the other arts are worldwide, but stand up one of the great arts I feel that there is, is not worldwide. And it's like brand new, essentially, in China. And what's so fascinating, mainland China, what's so fascinating to me is that they are actually pre Lenny Bruce over there. You know what I mean? Like I look at these

other places where they can actually talk and I'm like, it's exciting to me because it's like, all right, they're going to have their Richard Pryor, they're going to have their George Carlin, their Sam Kinnison or whatever. And you know, these guys are actually in China are like, they're waiting for their Lenny Bruce to come along, which is pretty amazing to me. And I also can't imagine living in that type of oppression, how that would affect the comedy on just like a whole other level. Like just listening to like Richard Pryor and what he ended up talking about because of what he went through. I can't imagine over there. I know it's just like a different thing like this that whole fucking experience living in a fucking country with his like,

what is that three, four billion fucking people or something like that, or a billion people they got over there. I just can't imagine how you would try to stand out over there. And then you got this oppressive fucking thing where people got to stand in front of tanks and shit. And I know that was like 25 years ago, but I don't know. I think it's going to be really interesting too. I'm hoping that some comics, when I go to Hong Kong, some Chinese comics will come out and I'll get to talk to them and find out about that. Because the guy was actually going, would you actually do a gig on main in mainland China? And I was like, no, I wouldn't, because I don't know how to fucking, I've been a free man. So I wouldn't know how to rein that in. I mean, I've done corporate

gigs and tried to tone it down, but I wouldn't trust myself to not blur it out something that would then end. I'd end up God knows what, haven't have somebody call a fucking embassy over a shit. I mean, I don't, I couldn't handle that. Because the guy was going, do you have any advice for those kids over there? And I was like, no, I don't because I, I would had a privilege stand up career where all those walls were already broken down. I actually said what I would rather, I would like to talk to them, you know, and hear what they're going through. But hopefully, you know, things open up over there, because I really don't think that any government, if you fucking oppress the people, it's just, it's like,

this can only last for so fucking long before people have had it. So hopefully, you know, Jesus Christ, I mean, you need government and you need fucking rules on that type of shit, but you don't gotta be taking it to that level, banning puns and fucking wordplay. Give me a break. Anyway, so that's the type of shit I'm going to be encountering here on this trip. Like I said, I'm going to try to watch the Super Bowl. I'll figure out when the fuck it is. I actually left and I forgot to tape it. So I'm hoping that whatever plane I'm on is going to have the, it's going to have the game on. I don't know what, all right, I'm babbling here. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week and that's it. I'll see you.