Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-27-14

Episode Date: January 28, 2014

Bill rambles about going to the Pro Bowl, the banking system and how to break up with a hooker.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 27th, 2014. How the fuck are you doing? I'm out here in Hawaii the day after the Pro Bowl. I brought all my fucking. I brought my mix. I brought my cords. I brought everything that I needed except for a goddamn microphone, so I kind of got to do it this bootleg way because my flight isn't until later. Oh, look who just walked in. The lovely Nia. I thought you were going to take a walk down the beach to end your little trip. All right. Well, hey, you know, don't let us stop you. All right, enjoy yourself. All right. See that she walks down the goddamn beach and I'm sitting here slaving away. Did you hear a goddamn thank you? No, just kidding. We had a great time out here. But yeah, our flight isn't until later on, so I got to do it now. So I don't have a fucking microphone. So I apologize. Anyways, I am out here in Hawaii. I had a great time. Did a show Friday night. And at this theater, I don't remember the fucking thing, the Hawaiian Honolulu Center or something like that. It was really fucking cool, man.

It was like the Chinese New Year was going on right next door, right down the street. And it was fucking crazy. It was just sort of this artsy, cool and shady part of town. And it was night and they were lighting off those fireworks. And I didn't know what it was at first and I'm like peeking around the corners. So I'm walking down the street going, what the fuck is that? And because they were lighting off like those giant cakes of firecrackers as a couple of, you know, Chinese dudes are walking around with the dragon outfit on, right? Was that offensive? I don't give a fuck. It's basically what I saw. Not trying to disrespect your fucking New Years. And, you know, I grew up watching like Platoon. What were all those fucking movies there? It was missing in action, all of that, which basically just, it was, I don't know why Asians didn't complain more in the 80s. Some of the fucking movies and the way that they made you guys, and that's what's funny is that stuck in my head. I didn't think it was.

I didn't think it was until I heard gunpowder being lit off and I was in this part of town that had all this, you know, Asian looking stuff. All of a sudden I started feeling like, hey, am I going to get stuck in a bamboo cage with some rats and then get dragged out? Wow, wow, is that going to happen? Like, I was literally feeling that, which I know to speak it out loud is ridiculous. I guess what I'm really doing here is I'm speaking about the power of the images that we see on television and movies. They're corrupting our children. I guess maybe typical, I had a point. So anyways, I went down there. Then once I saw what was going on, it was cool as hell. I got a, I'll show, I'll actually, I'll post the video because the video is basically me gradually discovering what it is. I mean, I kind of knew as I started to walk down towards it. I think somebody finally had told me and but it really looks like the beginning of either some Oscar winning movie

or some really creepy YouTube video that they're going to take down soon. It just looks like something fucked up is about ready to happen and it's actually a celebration. So if you ever go down there, white people and black people, you know, like what, you understand Asians better than us? You're just as confused as we are. Get off your fucking eye horse. When you go down there and the dragon's doing all the goddamn thing, you know, you know, when it comes over to you, you stick money in its mouth and that's supposed to bring you good luck. I don't fucking know. Whatever. I participated. I'm on my best behavior. I'm in a different country out here in Hawaii. I don't give a shit what they say that this is part of America. This isn't, it is, but it isn't.

You know what I mean? This is clearly some shit that we took over where I will argue with the Native Americans until the day I die about whether or not we stole the country because I got to tell you, I look around and I see all non Native Americans in the continental United States and everybody looks pretty comfortable. You know, they look like they fit in like they should be there. All right. So I swear to God, if one more patchy comes up to me and starts talking about how we stole the country, it's just like, well, then why do I look so normal up against this oak tree? Okay. Now you take those same white people and you stick them out here in Hawaii and we just look like we're on vacation and people, oh, no, I live here. No, no, you don't. No, you don't. Something happened.

Something happened and somebody lost an arm because they couldn't find the shiny shit. And now you have a home where that person used to have a fucking hut or some sort of fucking thing that was made out of the ground and it was all natural, right? And the rivers were nice and clean and then we fucking showed up. I think it was a great moment yesterday of the awfulness of the direction that we've headed in. It's actually, you know, I don't fucking know. I'm sitting in the upper deck of the Pro Bowl because I have connections like that. And that stadium used to be, it used to be one of those multi-faceted stadiums, multi-purpose stadiums where you played football and baseball there and you could like shift around the stands and stuff like that and all this fucking crazy stuff. So of course, you know, it rains out here.

There's all kind of salt water in the air, right? So eventually everything rusts up and the thing can't fucking move anymore. So basically they, they weld it permanently in the football position, football position. And basically on each corner of the stadium where there should be a corner, you can actually look through and see out. It's fucking hilarious. You could see all the way from the field to the outside parking lot to the houses in the hills, all the way up to the mountains where it was all green and you just started at the top and went, looked all the way down to the stadium or went the other way. And you saw the progress of us ruining this fucking paradise out here.

But having said that, I actually went, I'm going to argue, I went to the most exciting Pro Bowl in recent memory yesterday. In case you missed it, in case you weren't one of the 40 people who actually watched the fucking thing, this year what they did to try to add a little bit of excitement, to try to get the competitive juices flowing so people would actually fucking play the game as opposed to playing patty cake, patty cake, and falling down on the ground when anybody was near you, which I totally understand why the players do it. I mean, this game does not mean shit. And they're basically, well, do I want to keep making five to 10 million a year? Or do I want to risk that trying to score a touchdown in this fucking game?

That doesn't matter. What they did was they had two team captains. They had Jerry Rice and Dion Sanders and both of them, they actually had a draft and they, you know, they picked the players and all that type of shit and it basically came down to the end. And there was a minute, like 44, 48 left. Most of the crowd had left. Team Rice was down by seven and I actually, I'm not going to say I was drunk. I was pretty, I was feeling pretty good and I commented at the last minute 44.

We got it all edited together in a video on the podcast page. You got to watch it. I'm not going to say what happens in case you missed the final outcome. Maybe you can get excited, get excited watching the video. I think I did a pretty good job for being a little bit drunk. You know, and if you take out the curses, I thought I held my own with, you know, the gym lamp, please out there. I thought I did a nice job. By the way, I also came out here.

I did a little something for inside the NFL. I did a little pro bow piece while I was out here and I got to talk to some of the players. And I got to check out the stadium and all that type of stuff. I'm not going to do any spoiling here, but it's going to air this week on inside the NFL on Wednesday on Showtime. All right. And if you don't have Showtime, why don't you go order it or go find a friend that has it. It was an unbelievable, unbelievable week. Yeah, it was fucking nuts.

I don't know how to explain it. Put it this way. I was actually up in the broadcast booth before the game and I got to interview Chris Collinsworth and Al Michaels. And they were just the greatest, funniest guys and all that type of stuff. And it just was, it was fucking awesome. Of course, I talked to Al Michaels about hockey. Why wouldn't I? You know, and he had the exact opposite views I had on a lot of this stuff, which was crushing me.

I wanted to be like, yes, yes. And he was just like, no, no, I feel A, B and C. He's like, no, D and F. And I'm like, ah, fuck, I'm an idiot. But it was awesome. And the game was great. And I actually saw this fan. I don't know if he's a hero or an absolute disgrace. It all depends on how you view about your behavior at a game.

This fucking jerk off somehow got himself kicked out of the Pro Bowl. I don't know, even know how that happens. Everybody was so well behaved and so psyched. You're in fucking Hawaii. The game doesn't mean anything. Everybody's just having a great time. This guy was such a fucking maniac. And everybody else was behaving so fucking well that I swear to God, the entire security force for the whole fucking stadium all responded to the call.

I've never seen that many cops for one guy. They actually had, there was like at least a half a dozen cops and two people with like those white medical fucking shirts on just to kick this one idiot out. And they finally kicked him out. And he's got his tattooed chick and that type of shit. And we think they're gone, long gone, blah, blah, blah, which I think they kicked him out. And evidently his chick stuck around because with like two minutes left, this fan runs out on the field. And this is what's fucking hilarious. This is how, how like, how much the game doesn't mean shit.

Everybody's just sort of mentally on vacation. I swear to God, this woman ran around for like 50 seconds, 45, 50 seconds before anybody even knew. Like before you saw the first security guy going out there. They were so busy staring at the half filled stands. They didn't know what we were yelling about. This woman was running out of people. She was doing that thing, you know, you jump in the air and bump into the person. She was doing that to everybody on the field.

She was like running out of players by the time they fucking came out there. We're looking down there and somebody finally goes, that's that fucking chick who's with the drunk guy. So all section was laughing at it. And I swear to God, it took him about a minute and a half. She started running down the field towards the other touchdown and the place was going nuts. It was a great time. I really highly recommend coming out here to the Pro Bowl. It's a great, great, great fan experience.

Especially if the games are going to be like the way they are now with them picking players and stuff. So they actually, you know, you know, I'm not going to lie to you, they weren't playing the whole time. But there were, you know, moments where they would, you know, Dion, I guess was talking to the camera. I didn't see that part, but it was like going, that's not going to be like this. You know, they need to amp them up and they play for a couple, you know, for the rest of the fucking quarter or something like that. But in the end of it, who gives a fuck, you're in Hawaii. So anyways, sorry for the fucking me and right there. What am I up to here?

12 minutes, 12 minutes. Oh, I got, I forgot to tell you this. I'm sorry if I'm speaking a little too quietly here because I'm in my hotel room. They can't be screaming cunt in my hotel. So anyways, they actually had all like all the mascots or a majority of them. I didn't see the Patriots stupid Paul Revere, whatever the fuck that guy's supposed to be mascots at the Pro Bowl. So I wasn't really paying attention, but at one point all the fucking mascots are in the end zone. And they have like a little card with a letter on both sides, which I think, you know, they all line up and it says welcome to the Pro Bowl.

And then they turn it over a police support to troops, whatever the fuck it spelled out. So it was one of those deals. They spelled something, then they flipped it over and it's spelled something else. And then they were done. The camera shot was done. And then they just all sort of started to separate. And three mascots randomly got together. And for five seconds we're standing in the end zone spelling out Jew.

It was one of the funniest fucking things I ever saw. And what's killed me was how many people missed it because everybody because they were down on the right hand side and the ball was down on the left. It was like a TV timeout or something. So they were spelling out some fucking thing for the fans and they went back the other way and I interviewed a couple of the fucking mascots. So I was kind of just watching their little shtick and me and the people we were with saw it. And oh my God, fucking dying, dying, laughing. If I had a picture of that, that would have been the funniest shit ever. You know, that's where those Nazis have been hiding all these years.

Everybody's been looking for him down in South America and fucking Brazil. They've been hiding in plain sight, dressing up as huggable fucking Baltimore Ravens. I think I don't want to rat anybody else, but the Raven guy was part of it. I think he was holding up the W. Oh my God, that was... Can you think of anything less anti-semitic than a fucking mascot? It's just supposed to be this lovable thing doing the worm and the fucking moonwalk, getting people going right, sticking your fucking head in its mouth. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, you just see this ugly side of this thing.

It was so fucking, it's just like, why? If you just took it seriously, why would a mascot hate Jewish people? And I loved that there was no point. It just said Jew. Oh shit, anyhow, whatever, it was fucking funny to me. Let me read some advertising here. Oh Christ, where the hell are we? All right, here we go.

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That's like you're fucking, you know, drinking yourself to death and you're going, you know, there's no heroin. There's no heroin in this shit. This will probably be the last week for that read. Unless, you know, I don't fucking, what are you going to do? Okay, let's get back to, let's get back to the podcast. Oh, this week I finally announced after three people on the internet were clamoring going, when are you going to announce your Canadian tour? We actually had the pre-sale on Wednesday of last week and it officially went on sale on Friday.

And I have to take time to thank the entire, I almost said continent, the entire country of Canada for the unbelievable response. Oh, Canada, you bought a bunch of tickets. So we added shows for old red face, twinkle toes. I'm going to bring my jokes and a shiny shirt. I'll do my act for you. Hey, you know what kills me is if you saw some of the fucking God forsaken places that I'm going on, on this Canadian tour.

All right. You would think that all Canadians would be happy that I didn't just go to Montreal, Toronto, and then go to Vancouver and then just say, oh, hey, I toured Canada. I'm going to Vancouver, Edmonton, Calgary, Winnipeg, Toronto, some place, Hamilton. I don't know where the fuck that is. Ottawa, Montreal. I'm going to Nova Scotia, I think. Halifax.

Is that what that word is? You would think they'd be like, wow, thanks, Bill. Thanks for the fucking effort. You'd think everybody would say that, but no, only 98% of Canadians were that thankful. Then I got another 2% that were giving me shit because I skipped over Saskatchewan. I'm going to Winnipeg too. Hey, people in Saskatchewan, I appreciate the interest, but do you have a fucking stop for two seconds? You ever think of rather than just looking out your fucking igloo, you maybe try and look and see where I'm coming from?

I live in Los Angeles. Okay. Do you think I have time to go to every goddamn province up there? I'm going out of five. You've got 10 provinces out there. I'm going to five out of 10 of them. Why can't you see that the syrup bucket is half full? I live in Los Angeles.

I have fake titties to look at. I'm taking time out of my nice, sunny fucking winter to go up to that fucking moose to step around moose shit for most of the month of March. And you're going to give me shit because I'm not going to Newfoundland. I'm not going to Saskatchewan. Why don't you get in your fucking pickup truck and drive over one province? Help me out. Help me help you. Can you do that?

I'm just fucking with you. Actually, I heard your complaints and because I'm a people pleaser, I'm actually talking to my agent right now and we're seeing what we can do. All right. If I have time where I can fucking put another one in there, you know, rather than take a day off and get drunk and go curling or maybe play some pond hockey and do something that I wanted to do. You know, go up there and hang out at the Celine Dion Hall of Fame, something that I would have found enjoyable. I'm actually looking into my schedule. Okay, to see if I can make it to those fucking places. And you know, it's funny.

I'll add those and then some kind of Yukon territory is going to give me shit. You know what? I'm never going to get off the road. Hey, here's a fucking question I have for you. All right. When you're flying internationally. All right. For any of you fucking international flyers out there.

When you're going from like, say like the Olympics or like in Moscow this year, they're in the Ukraine. They always fly up. If you're flying from the States, they fly up by Greenland and they go up to the top of the globe, also known as North, you know, because the circumference is a lot shorter up there. Right. And you fly over there so they can save gas and you don't run out and fall into the fucking ocean. I get that. Here's my question. Why don't they ever just go up and over?

Just go right up and over. Say if you want to go to Moscow, if it's Beijing and it's on the opposite side of the world, why don't you just get in a plane in Chicago and fly due north and go right up and over the fucker. You watch a couple of movies and you're there. I was asking this question, as I always do, to non pilots, because I love to hear what non pilots have to say about flying and then take their information and presented as fact to other people who aren't in the aviating field. What does it have to do with the magnetic pole of the planet? Does it fuck with your little fucking rotisseries there on the fucking dashboard? And all of a sudden you don't know where the ground is and where the sky is. You know, what exactly is the problem United Airlines?

Why can't you just fly up and over? Or down and under for all my friends down there in Argentina and Australia? Why can't they do that? Where the fuck would you go then? Hey, when you fly, you know, when you fly over Antarctica, is there a point where you're just upside down? I'm sorry. I was only 80% joking. Alright, so here's a video. Here's a video that a lot of people sent me this week.

It was about these fucking bank of cocksuckers there. Let's see what is it here. This is in the BBC News. HSBC imposes restrictions on large cash withdrawals. Alright, so at HSBC, some customers have been prevented from withdrawing large amounts of cash because they could not provide evidence of why they wanted it. The BBC has learned. Isn't it learned?

Has it learned? Anyways, listeners have told Radio 4's money box, not to be confused with nature's box, they were stopped from withdrawing amounts ranging from 5,000 to 10,000 pounds. HSBC admitted it is not informed customers of the change in policy, which was implemented in November. The bank says it has now changed its guidance to staff. So basically, this guy went down. They said, can I have my 5,000 pounds that I earned and I put in this bank for safety? They said no.

He said, can I have 4,000 pounds? They said no. And then I wrote one out, I guess one withdrawal slip for 3,000 pounds and they said, okay, we'll give you that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So they got a bunch of bad press and now allegedly they're changing it. So a bunch of people said, you know, what's the fucks with these bank of cunts? You know, it's our money. Yada, yada, yada and all that shit.

I got news for you. It's not your money. All right. It's their money. They print it. It's theirs. Okay. And your job is to take the money that they give you for working your ass off all week.

And your job is to then take that money and give it back to them or get your ass into debt with it. Think about it. You work all fucking week. Do you even hold money in your fucking hand anymore? They give it to you on this fucking piece of paper. All right. There's a lot of people rolling their eyes right now. Okay.

But I got a point at the end of this shit. Okay. You take it down to these fuckers and you just give it to them. Now, this is the thing. The reason it's not like the reason why they didn't give that person the 10,000 pounds. Do you know why they didn't give it to them? It's because they don't have it. I'm not saying that they don't physically have 10,000 pounds in the bank.

Yes, they do. But they don't have 10,000 pounds available to give to just some random jackass who goes, oh, by the way, I want to take 10,000 pounds out right fucking now. They don't have it. Well, I don't know about how it works in England, but as far as in the United States, they don't have it. For the simple fact that when if you went down and you deposit some regular fucking Tom Dick Harry or Louise and you deposit 10 grand into a bank. Back in the old days, when there was some sort of rules and regulations governing these out of control cunts. You ran a bank. You had on your books like you could only loan out a certain percentage of the money.

Oh, the bank was in violation like like say let's just say to make it easy that a million dollars was deposited into your bank. You could only at during that time you could only loan out. I don't know what the percentage was, but it was like 300 grand of it 400 grand. I forget what the percentage was, but you could you couldn't go past a certain tipping point because God forbid if there was a run on money and everybody started withdrawing the bank would fail. Now any bank if everybody shows up and tries to take the money out is going to fail because you know they they they loan out a certain percentage of it. All right, but throughout the years they kept pushing that percentage up more and more and more and more to the point that they got up to not only can they loan out 100% of the deposits from the hard work and the people that deposit the money in there. They can actually then create another two million dollars off that million something like that. Like so if you deposit 10 grand they can take your full 10 grand loan it out plus another 10 grand off that 10 grand plus another 10 grand off that 10 grand.

So they basically just invented slash counterfeited 20 grand that didn't even fucking exist off that 10 grand. They got 30 grand loaned out so they can make the money off that fucking 20% interest off of that kicking you half a percent in your fucking account. And they just sit there knowing full well at some point whatever bubble they're creating is going to burst shit is going to hit the fan. You're going to be ass out and they're too big to fail. And at worst case scenario that you're going after a corporation and what are they they're just they're just they're faceless corporation is faceless. They take their bonuses is just sitting there waiting for John Cougar Mellencamp to write you a fucking song at fucking jackass aid and they're out there buying a new fucking yacht. All right. Did that make sense.

And I know you guys are going to be a girl you're full of shit blah blah blah you don't know what the fuck you're talking about you sound like a moron. Hey, I'll take all of that but I'm going to tell you this for like the fucking hundredth time in my stand up career. When I was in Albuquerque I had a banker come up to me and was laughing going I know you hate us. And I said listen am I a moron in the podcast and they always say no. They go no you're not. You know this some factual errors a little bit here or there but basically what you're saying is 100% true. I talked conspiracy theory one time in my own bank as I was trying to set something up new on my account I was talking to a banker about conspiracy theory. And he was talking about banking it was talking about how scary and fucked up it was and he was asking me what I plan to do.

What do you think about gold and silver coins. What do you think about growing zucchini and I was most tears whispering and shit. I'm telling you. And I have no solution so what I'm really being right now is a fucking fear monger. But this is this is the great thing about banking is that you know I would say a good 95% of people walking around with a fucking goddamn tootsie pop in their mouth pulling their fucking Hawaiian shorts out of their ass crack believe in it. All right and as long as they continue to believe in it, you can kind of exist in the game drafting behind their uninformed. I don't know what the fucking word is I'm so I'm too stupid to do this but you just basically like, I don't know. I am I am of the belief that if you can get a fucking house by one that you can afford and then pay that fucker down as soon as you can and all of that shit that people say where they go.

Oh it's not an investment because you gotta be the dude fuck that pay off your fucking house and then if the bank fails you still have a house. Who gives a fuck if you paid 700 grand for it now it's only worth 100 grand. You still have a house as much as that sucks. At least you still have it like the fucking stock market right. You work your whole goddamn life you stick it in that stick it in this over there and you think you're being conservative. The thing shits the bed and in the end you can be left with nothing. I am into tangible shit can you tell I screamed. Whenever I do a podcast the day after I went to a game or I did a lot of shows I sound like I'm going through puberty again I apologize.

But I believe in investing in tangible shit and don't let your wife or your husband be like oh we got kids we got we got to save up for their college education you know what fuck their college education. All right take out a loan. Take out a fucking what you're paying interest on your house now the amount of money that you're going to save knocking down your principal will pay. For most if not all of their college education. All right unless they just go to some unbelievably expensive school and you're. I don't know living in some little house. On the prairie Michael Landon smoking a pipe. So there you go so that's why that's why when they go down there.

Because they they're not going to give 10 grand or 10 pounds to the average jackass walking in there. Because that starts fucking with their game which is pretending that all the money is there and that it's it's safe. And that there's nothing to worry about and nothing to see here so what they do is they pull this shit. They bully people individually over in the corner behind that bulletproof glass. And they're like no you have to get a note and blah blah blah blah blah and most people. Like they have a parent child relationship their entire life they come out as a child. Their parents tell them what to do what they can and can't do when they can eat when they have to go to bed and they go off into the world. You know you go to school we're going to lunch now if you have a question raise your hand and you stay in that mentality.

So to the point you have a fucking adult who earned the money will go into a bank. You know God bless this person who actually fucking was like no this is my money and complained and brought this out to light. But do you think this is the only person they did that to the money's not there man. Yeah like if you had like two 300 grand in an account you decide that you just want to fucking take it out like if you physically want the money. If you want to transfer it like fucking numbers hit enter they'll fucking do that all day. I had no worries but if you actually wanted the paper like you can't just walk in there be like yes I'd like my 300 grand and they'd be like OK. Come out big sacks of money. You got to call them days if not a week in advance. And then what they got to do is frantically call around in front find an armored car with enough of this paper.

That isn't worth shit other than the fact that the guy with the underwear and his ass still believes in it. They got to drive that there so they can physically keep the lie going. All right. There you go. So that's the end of my my fucking bar room banking 101. All right. And you know I don't give a fuck about your opinions either because I'm not enlightened as a human being. If you don't agree with what I said then you know just laugh at me and continue on with your fucking day because you're actually helping me out as long as you keep fucking believing in it. But I think the day the wave hit in the beaches is coming soon because you know at least in this country. I mean the government shut down for three fucking days and I know it made for great stand up material but that is absolutely fucking terrifying. Every year when August comes around and we hit the debt ceiling and we just keep raising it and we just keep pushing more of shit under the bed.

Like eventually it's not all I don't know that's probably the wrong analogy. I don't know what the fuck we're doing but eventually the shit is going to hit the fan. So I'm not saying I'm going to survive it whatever the fuck happens but I do have a game plan. My game plan is to pay off my house as quickly as I can. So when the first wave of people are being brought to the I don't know what euphemism they're going to be using for detention camps. I figure it'll be like well you can't pay off your house for repossessing the house so now we're going to move you to alternative relaxing living whatever the fuck they're going to call it. At least I won't be in that first wave of people. I will have my house paid off and I will stand there dressed like a court jester with my little fancy cane going but get off my property and then look at me and be like oh look at this little cunt thinking he has power.

Alright we'll be back for you. We'll be back for you in like a month or so. Let's just get the mouth breathers first. Let's get the easy people then we'll weed out the red cunts and then it'll all be ours. Some amount ties in to how they're trying to make robots more and more human like. Alright this is the kind of shit. Here's a story right here. That seems like a victory for the common man and what it really is is just moving the ball forward on the development of robots so they can eventually phase us out. And then they can just have robot people that will never never complain.

Then of course if you watch science fiction movies they somehow take over the humans which they're not going to do. They're not going to do that. Alright we made you. Alright we'll unplug you. We won't fix you. I'll dump some water on you. You know this is the deal. Every fucking web designer when he builds your website or he builds you a secure site always builds in a fucking back door.

Alright so the guys making the robots are going to do the same fucking thing. There's no way the Illuminati is going to have a bunch of robots that are stronger than them. Don't need to sleep and all that type of shit and like they watch science fiction movies. These fuckers are science fiction. How crazy do I sound this week? I'm actually enjoying every fucking second of this. They're going to have a back door. You know somewhere up that robots ass there's got to be something that they can fucking do.

Some button they have to push. Alright so there you go. Was that weird enough for you? Huh? I'm sorry. What do you want from me? You know my fucking weird guy. How about some more? Let me bring it back to earth with a fucking commercial.

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From wills to business formations, trademarks, powers of attorney and more, go to legalzoom.com. For even more savings type in burp, B-U-R-R, into the referral box at checkout. Don't put off things you need to do today. Go to legalzoom.com now and use the discount code burp, B-U-R-R, that's legalzoom.com, discount code burp. Oh jeez, I'm just hitting the fairways today guys. I'm not saying I'm not too puttin' but I'm doing alright here. Alright, Evoise, you are a business owner but an automated phone system and secretaries are not in your budget just yet. And juggling incoming calls yourself makes it pretty hard to look like a professional, right?

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Right now just from my listeners you can get a 60 day trial to Evoise absolutely free. Go to evoise.com and enter the promo code bill at checkout. Take charge of your business and make more money in 2014. Go to evoise.com and enter bill at checkout for your 60 day free trial. That's evoise.com promo code bill. You know I fucked up there in the ending because I swear to God that nature box was really bothering me. You know? I'm going to talk to those guys.

I'm going to find out more about what they're putting in nature's box there. Because I'm not going to sell you guys a bunch of shit that's not even healthy for you. But you know that looks like one of those fads down. You know what? Just eat a fucking banana. Okay. What is a banana? 25 cents? 35 cents in New York? What are you, 50 cents now? Give us a fuck. Eat a goddamn banana. Have an apple.

It's fiber. It's going to fill you up. Have a giant salad. You know what you need to do. And you're just being lazy. And rather than doing that, okay, because your body's craving sugar and salt, you're thinking that you want to eat fucking caramel pretzels, cupcakes, whatever the fuck they're selling. You don't. What you need to do is you need to fucking, you need to get a goddamn salad.

You need to get that in your body and then your body will crave that. Your body will crave nutrition. And it's the greatest fucking thing ever. And if you actually read up on nutrition, which I have only kind of done and it's helped me immensely, but if you guys, you know, there's no way you're going to be dumber than I am. If you actually read up on nutrition, you don't even fucking, if you go for walks, you don't need to go to the gym.

If you just did push-ups and some pull-ups and you ate a balanced nutrition diet. Nutrition. Nutritional diet. You know what the f- Goddamn fucking snicker doodle. That looks like a chocolate covered fucking apple. I hate that shit. All right. I used to have a fucking old roommate of mine used to do that all the time. And you'll know who it is by the impression.

You know? No, I'm not going to do it. But this person used to fucking go on these goddamn, he used to, one time he was on this diet, he was drinking like this chocolate shake three times a day. Three times a fucking day this dude was drinking a goddamn chocolate shake to lose weight. Oh, it's chocolate favorite fucking powder. Oh yeah, I'm sure that's not. I'm sure that's great for your waistline,

but I can imagine that's doing something else fucked up. Would you look at what you're putting in your body? You fucking moron. It's just, I'm not moron. What are you going to do? Hey, you know, drink your fucking powdered milk. I don't give a shit. Die sooner. And you know, the rivers are cleaner.

All right. Where do I go from here? Yo, last week, you know what I forgot to bring up? I had such a busy week. I went to the, hang on a second. Now what the fuck did I just do there? I got to make sure, oh. All right, hang on a second. I know it sounds weird right now.

I'm going to look this up here. Make sure I get this right and get the dates right and everything. All right, last week, I forgot to mention that I went to the, now why the fuck? I'm going to come out now. Now it comes up all right. This happens once a week on the podcast if you're new to it, by the way. I always go to look something up and of course my computer doesn't even fucking work.

Anyways, I went to the common thread clinic tour, which is a drum clinic for all you drummers out there. If you just want to watch three absolute fucking beasts on the drums with three totally different styles. And what's really cool is they're actually all seven years apart. That's what they said, once 23, once 30, once 37. And it was just an absolutely incredible tour that I ended up going to because I was following Mike Johnston, who I've talked about here,

Mike's lessons.com and he's on tour with Matt Halpern and JP Bouvet. I hope I said that right. Flunk French for so many goddamn years. Absolutely amazing, amazing, amazing drummers. So as far as the tour that I see, it looks like they're off right now, but they're going to maybe start back up in April. I hope I'm saying this right. You can look it up on Facebook, the common thread clinic tour,

April 18th, 19th, 20th, 22, 23, 25. This is basically where they're going to be. Lancaster, Pennsylvania on the 18th. They're going to be in Depford Township, New Jersey on April 19th, Asbury Park, New Jersey on the 20th, Manhattan, New York, Sam Ash, the 22nd, Middletown, New York on the 23rd, Manhattan, New York drummers collective, April 25th. I used to take drum lessons there.

The place is awesome. Anyways, if you're a drummer or even just a musician, they gave just great advice on how to get better and how to actually make a living as a musician. It was absolutely fucking mind-blowing, amazing drum clinic. And one of the coolest things is all three of them are up there at the same time, so they kind of draw out of a hat who's going to solo first. And one of the coolest things other than listening and watching the drum solo

is watching the other two drummers watching who's ever playing. And you watch them learning stuff and kind of looking at each other, smiling when they see whatever, cool fill or something like that. It was fucking awesome. Can't say enough great things about it, so we'll have the link up on the podcast page for the Common Thread clinic tour. I hope you guys get to check it out. Or even if you just like fucking drums.

It works on so many levels. If you want to make a dream come true, it actually works on that fucking level if you know how to just apply it. And what kills me about watching these guys getting better, talking about getting better as drummers, it's the exact same process as getting to get better as a comedian or even like an athlete, finding a weakness, working on a weakness, sticking with it, being open, being positive, networking with people.

It's all the same, the exact same thing. It was really fucking mind blowing. So check it out if you get a chance. And with that, we are one week away, not even one week away from the Super Bowl everybody. And I actually thought that all they were going to do was talking about that Sherman guy. And evidently I guess all they've been talking about is the weather. I haven't been paying attention, but I did that thing this week

and I talked to a lot of football guys and people just kept bringing up the weather. I don't understand what is the big fucking deal that it's in New York City. Football fans, I don't understand why are they tough right up until the AFC and NFC championship games and they could sit in snow, did anybody die at the Green Bay Packer game that was like fucking minus 20, whatever it was? It was fine. They're football fans. Why are they making such a big fucking deal if it snows in the Super Bowl? And you know what it is?

From what I've heard, it's because so many fucking haberdashery cunts who don't even give a fuck. These corporate people who want to show up in their wingtips and their fucking ties, you know, and eat fucking sushi and all that shit during the game. That's the big deal. That's the big deal because I'm sitting there thinking like this is fucking great. One of the great NFL films of all time is when they show that Green Bay Dallas Cowboys game up in Lambeau Field, a frozen tundra, right?

People are going to be fine. There's no problem. Stop acting like regular people are nervous about a little bit of fucking snow. I think it's going to be great. It's about time. I always got to play around a bunch of palm trees. I fucking, you know something? I fucking hate the Super Bowl.

I love that it's for the championship. But I hate all the, how much more shit can they add to it? Jesus fucking Christ. Not one band. You got two bands. You got all the stupid commercials. You know, I said last week to just let the game go, like take the game, let it go 90 minutes before you start.

I would actually go a full two hours this year with all of the goddamn crap. I'm a grumpy old man. All right. Let's plow forward and somebody give that guy Sherman a hug. Okay. I know he's acting all confident and everything, but I'm telling you that guy needs a hug. He needs a hug and please tell him that he's the best everything in the world. I'm calling it right now.

Call it right now. That guy will eventually break down and cry in an interview. He's going to. There will be the softer side of whatever his first name is Sherman. I swear to God. I've seen it before. I called it when I saw Rex Ryan walking around, sticking out his fucking, his man tits, talking all this shit.

I'm telling you that guy cries himself to sleep with a bowl of ice cream. You know, his wife rubs his head every night telling him it's going to be okay. I'm just fucking with Rex. Right. I actually think he's a great coach and he hasn't talked any shit in a couple of years, but he hasn't had a team where he could. So I think it's very easy for him to be behaving himself. So we'll see who the fuck knows.

I don't know who might have judged him. Right. All right. Okay. Let's get within to the emails for the week. Paul Pierce has returned to Boston. A Billy leaf clover. I just left the TD bank north garden.

Not sure if you had any hotel sports center time whilst in Hawaii, but Pierce made his return tonight. It was really special. The consensus was that no one, no other Boston athlete has received as warm a welcome as Pierce would having been there. I got to say it's the truth. No pun intended. Men were crying.

Kids who didn't grow up watching, watching him knew he was something special. By the way, it felt in there tonight. No one played harder night after night for over a decade and even while no, even while no one was watching Tuesday night games against the Raptors at the end of a losing, losing season and he would still play his heart out. It was really amazing. The link is below for the video from the game. I actually watched it.

Yeah, it was amazing. Celtic fan. And traded him right when he came back. Yeah, I mean, that reminded me of the standing ovation that Bobby or got when he came back when Larry Bird retired. I mean, that was right up there with with everybody. And I think that's such a great thing when fans show their appreciation like that. So I'm psyched. It seemed like obviously Paul Pierce was really moved and that type of thing.

And he's definitely he's going to be up there there. I think they're going to retire his number. They have to. They have to. He's one of the great. So if you didn't get a chance, we'll have that link. I got a lot. I'm promising a lot of links this week, everybody.

Okay. Did I mention that? I mentioned that I commented at the last minute 45 of the Pro Bowl. That's the one I'm looking forward to hearing your reaction to because I'm about me. Not Paul Pierce. I'm a selfish entertainer. All right, Bill, my friend wants to be you. Dear freckled Avenger, I have a problem ever since one of my buddies started listening

to you, he started trying to act exactly like you. He started using a fake Boston accent. He changes his opinion, opinions according to the weekly podcast. I know because I listened to the show and I can hear his opinions change during our conversations on Tuesday morning. Also, he roots for all Boston sports teams now. The only thing he hasn't done is dye his fucking hair red. I don't want to be the asshole.

I don't want to be the asshole who calls them out and ruins the friendship. Could you please say a few words about this? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, listen, pal. You know, it's long been stated that I am the Taylor Swift of podcasting. All right, little boys and girls look up to me. They want to be me. They play dress up.

Yeah, I don't know what to do with this fucking email. Whatever. He seems like he's enjoying it to another level. I like that he's a fan of all Boston teams right now. And I'm kind of enjoying that it's ruining your life. I actually wish I didn't read this. I wonder if he's listening right now and can actually tell that his own friend wrote this. This is fucking weird.

I'm right in the middle of it. Is he going to get a fucking Patriots jersey that says freckled Avenger on the back of it? No. What kind of friend are you, man? Why can't you just let him have his fun? People need heroes. Why can't I be a hero to somebody? You know, you know what I want to do?

I want that dude to come out to a comedy show when he laughs at one of my jokes. I want to do that Taylor Swift thing and I'll look over in his direction and I'll just whisper. Oh my God. Did you ever see that thing on 60 Minutes? When she would look into the upper deck when all these girls were screaming and she would get this weird look on her face and then she would whisper, oh my God. And it was just this totally calculated thing to try to make it appear that she was so blown away by their show of affection.

That's what it really seemed like. The look on her face and then the fact she was saying, oh my God, she actually looked like she looked like she was thinking like, I thought I already killed those little bastards. They're back again. I have to fucking poison them again. Well, there you go everybody. I have my first single, what is it? Single white male.

Maybe we'll do a remake of the movie. Hey, you know what? In that movie that chick was a redhead, right? Jesus. All right. Dutch girlfriend turns out to be a hooker. Oh man. I feel bad for you, but I don't feel bad for you.

Provided you didn't get an STD. You didn't knock her up. Oh, Jesus. All right. Let's put on some latex and wade into this one, everybody. Dear Bill, I live in the Netherlands. I've been casually seeing this girl for a few months. Her family is rich.

She's a pro fashion model and looks like Bridget Bardot. I've heard that name, but I can't picture the face, but with a name like that, right? She's got to be all stuck up with her fucking perfect jeans. Anyways, yesterday, she told me that for the past few months, she's been working as a whore. How fucked up am I that I actually find that sexy on some level? High class on account of her looks and profession. 2,000 euros for three hours, 10,000 euros for 24 hours. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Some guys slobber it all over you for 10,000 hours. How quickly did you have to break up with this girl? I shouldn't make fun of this. This is terrible. Why is she tapping out? She's taking the easy way out here. You're already a model.

Everybody's rich. Is she getting written out of the will? She's freaking out like, what do I do? I've been rich my whole life. No, I'm not going to be. I'll suck it. Well, why don't I read when I continue reading here? The usual clientele is rich corporate assholes and idiots who save up and think paying ludicrous amounts of money will get them a better orgasm.

I have absolutely no interest in seeing this girl anymore. She's not going to be the mother of my children. Yeah, no, she's not. Yet she's only told four other people. If I split after her telling me this secret, she'll feel like a piece of trash and view me like some Puritan ass wipe. My real reason for running away is you can't ask her to quit. And if she does, she'll only resent you for it and be at risk of relapsing anytime. I got to get out.

How do I do it? Well, what you have to do is stop being concerned about her feelings. What about your feelings? What about the fact that this woman is fucking around on you? What about the fact that she could give you an STD? What about the fact that a relationship is built on trust and she has this giant fucking secret? Arguably the biggest fucking secret you could have, you know? I'm not judging anybody in this fucking story.

Because I've been you and I've been the whore. I'm just saying, from the whore, I expect to get fucking dumped, you know? There's plenty of manhors out there, you know? That's what happens. Yeah, dude, no, you got to stop thinking about it. Like, it's weird. Like, this is what you have to do. You have to get over the...

You have to be selfish in a fucking relationship to end up getting what you want in life, all right? And you have to have parameters and, you know, to use the cliche, you know? To make an omelet, you got to break some eggs. That's basically what you got to do. And this is not your fault. I don't know what happened to her that made her choose this horrific fucking profession, but it's not your fault and it's not your job to fix it. And you said it in your last two sentences.

I got to get out. How do I do it? So I guess your second or last sentence, you said it. I got to get out. So you just have... You don't have to be mean about it. You just have to say, listen, that's just a unbelievable piece of information you just gave me that you were keeping from me. And Jesus Christ, you just got to use the cliche, you know, relationships built on trust.

You know, I'm not judging you. I wish you... You know what? There's a part of her that might want... I don't even tell you this because you might run to this because it's easier, but like, you know, I don't know. This is what I would do. I would break up with her and then also try to get her help to get her out of it. That's what I would do.

And by getting her help, I would give her information where she can go. She needs to handle this on her own because you have feelings for her and you know that this isn't the mother of your kids. And if you just keep hanging around with her, you're going to get sucked back into it again. And now you have to trust somebody who lied to you at that fucking level. And that is just a fucking train wreck waiting to happen. All right, dude, I would go get myself tested for everything under the fucking sun. And that's it. That's it.

And if she cries, I mean, that's part of it. And she brought it on herself. It's not your fault. All right. And I'm not trying to be mean or whatever. I mean, I don't know what happened to her that made her do that type of shit, but that's not your fault. Okay. So why don't you go out there, find a great girl who isn't a whore on the side and go live your dreams.

All right. And you know what? You're going to dump her and it's going to hurt for a little while. Even though you knew it was the right thing to do, it's still supposed to hurt because you're a human being. You just got to push through that. Go to the gym, right? Have a couple of belts at the bar, but just stay in it. Stay in that pain and you wait till that pain is gone and then you fucking go out and try to find somebody else.

In the meantime, you know, rub one out. All right. Okay, ordain my wedding. Hey, Bill, I'm getting married in October. Yes, I'm getting in that line to lose half my shit. Well, hey, welcome to the club. So did I. Strange request, but would you ordain my wedding or at least be my best man?

What does ordain mean? You want me to go, dude, we are gathered here today to join these two people in holy matrimony under the eyes of God, in front of the church next to your fucking busted aspirated tube there. Yeah, what kind of a man invites another man to a fucking wedding? Don't ever do that to me again. Okay, I'll look past it one time. Why the fuck would I want to go to a wedding? You know, actually, you know what?

The reason why I didn't like to go to weddings in the past because it put pressure on my relationship. Now that we finally got married, there's no fucking pressure. We're going to a marriage. We're going to a wedding coming up and I'm fucking psyched. You know, I already did it. I don't have a fucking problem. We're sitting there eating fucking hors d'oeuvres, dancing to the locomotion, whatever the fuck it is, just getting hammered.

I'm going to have a great fucking time for the first time. You know what? I might do, where is your wedding? If I got a gig in the area, if I got a gig in the area, I might come over there. Tell me where it is. Who knows? Stranger things have happened. But then if I do yours, then I got to do everybody's, right?

Can I sell my DVDs at the end of your wedding? Try it a couple of bits. Anyways, MIT Massachusetts Institute Technology creates toughest tongue twister ever. Dear Bill Litterett. Oh, you fucking cunt. That's a great one. Thanks for the show. You are amazing.

Look at all this person is buttering me up to make a complete ass of me. We all love the podcast. And by far the best part is listening to you attempt to read spots and emails. Yeah, that's because you're not happy or confident in your own life that you have to watch somebody else fail. That's what it is. What does that say about? That says more about you than it says about me. All right?

You guys are my real friends. MIT recently created what they think is the toughest tongue twister ever. Give it a shot. This is what they're doing at MIT. I couldn't get accepted there. If you can say it 10 times fast, you get a prize. I'll go fuck yourself. What am I a goddamn dancing monkey?

What is it? Pad kid? That's not even a... That doesn't even make sense. Pad kid, poured curd, pulled cod. Shouldn't it be that kid? That kid poured curd, pulled cod? Pad kid, poured curd, pulled cod.

Ah, go fuck yourself. Am I actually saying something dirty and I can't hear it right now? I don't fucking know. All right. For those of you who have absolutely no life, if you want to fucking try and do that, you know, have fun. Okay. Book recommendation. What are we up to here?

Oh, hour and seven minutes. Beautiful. Hey. Hey, Billy Burgundy balls. Heard you mentioned that no country for old men is one of your favorite movies. Mine too. Looking for any good books to read. I highly recommend anything by Carmack McCarthy.

I hope I said that right. Carmack, C-A-R-M-A-C, one word, McCarthy, M-A, lower case C-A-R-T-H-Y. Author of No Country, Carmack McCarthy. Oh, he wrote that. I actually want to read the book No Country for Old Men. He said, I read said book after I saw the movie and even though they did a great job with the movie, the book was still incredible. Everything I've read for him was top notch. The border trilogy probably being my favorite.

If you hate easy going light on your loafers stories with predictable happy endings, you'll dig his shit. Come to Indianapolis and go fuck yourself, sir. I came there last April. All right. You know what? I will check that out. I like it. I might, I might, you know what I'm going to do.

You know what I'm going to do people? I'm going to go to my website. Click on the podcast page and then I'm going to click on the Amazon banner in the corner, which is going to take me to Amazon. Because when you go to Amazon through us here at billbird.com, it doesn't cost you any extra money. It costs you an extra click of your finger. And, you know, whatever they, you know, you buy whatever you buy and then they kick it back to me. They give me a little bit of a kickback. That's what they do.

And then I take that money and I give it to a charity that isn't corrupt. Hopefully. Like the last one I was giving to which evidently and people saying is not exactly on the up and up. So now I got to switch it to something else. What kind of a fucking person does it starts a goddamn charity gets you all fucking excited about it. You think you make it. You know, it's right up there with that pink lady, man. She's got her day and fucking something is coming.

I'd like to think I would like to think. Okay, so anyways, I guess that's the podcast for this week. Once again, everybody check out the common thread clinic tour. And all these guys are monster drummers and really unbelievable educators and drums. And I'm telling you, they got websites, they got all kinds of stuff. They got stuff to get your bands going and just all kinds of information was phenomenal. Anyways, that is the podcast for this this week. I'm just trying to think where am I going to be next?

Next thing I'm doing is I'm doing a casino gig in Minnesota on February 7th. It's just outside of Minneapolis. I have all the dates and all the proper links up on my website, billbird.com. And once again, I know I was giving the people in Saskatchewan shit. I'm going to try to get out there. I really I absolutely blown away blown away by the response to me finally touring Canada up there. And I'm going to be bringing the lumber. All right, so I'll see you guys in a couple of months.

I got a nice run of dates going through Jersey down into Maryland and into Virginia also in February. And we got the Patrice O'Neill the second annual. I'm so proud to say that the second annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit on February 18th in New York City. It's already sold out, but there are going to be ways that if you would like to contribute that we will have. I'm actually thinking about starting up an email where I can, you know, get some more pictures of Patrice with maybe some, you know, some fan photos that he took after. I know he used to like going out and talking to people. And I'm just really proud that we're doing it again this year. Help it out all the people that he was helping out and keeping the memory of the most amazing comic.

I ever saw live and that's not it. That's not. I purr believe I'm not exaggerating like this guy, you know, anything. I highly recommend any fucking thing that you can watch on YouTube or download or anything by his specials. If you have any sort of appreciation for comedy or just art in general, he was he was the best. He made all of us look like little kids. So the second annual one and I hope to be doing this for as long as I'm around. It's going to be on February 18th.

And like I said, we will try to get some merch together. We're trying to figure out what the fuck we're going to do for the fans that couldn't make it there that want to donate. Maybe have a donate button, maybe bill. Maybe you could just figure out what the fuck it is instead of trying to brainstorm on your podcast. All right, go fuck yourself. I'll talk to you next week. Oh, Super Bowl prediction. I said it last week.

I'm going to say it again this week. I think. Oh, man, I think I got to go with Seattle. There's something there's something about fucking Denver and how John Elway at the end of his career solidified his name in history by fucking winning those last two. And now I don't know somewhere that Peyton is playing for the Broncos. That's the only thing that's making me nervous, but I think the difference in the game is going to be March on Lynch. And I think Denver is going to do a good job in the first half of doing, you know, the best you can to contain that unbelievable talent. But I think that they're going to wear them down.

I thought that Denver's defense looked a little. I don't know if they were tired or what, but I was not liking the fact if I'm a betting man, the way they let San Diego and New England hang around, even after they totally fucking dominated them for the first two, three quarters. So I think March on Lynch is going to be the difference. He's going to chew up some clock and Peyton Manning is going to be standing there on the sidelines with that look on his face. Like he got to be fucking shit me not again. But having said that, I actually really like both teams and I actually all the shit I've talked about Peyton over the years, you know, really sticking up for Brady made me not like Peyton. You know, it's not like I know the guy I actually would love to see him win another one. But I would also like to finally see Seattle's fans actually have something to cheer about loudly like a championship as opposed to that.

We're the best dressed. We're the most spirited with the loudest fucking horseshit that they have started and you did start that. Okay, so know that know that that you started that. And when you see it in the future that it started in your fucking coffee making goddamn city. Oh, by the way, did anybody see and this is why I don't like that Sherman talking shit fucking horseshit after a game. I really I'm that old white guy that thinks it's absolutely classes, classless. I say right classless. And, and just what it teaches children.

And I can tell you right now, did anybody see that Justin Bieber video of him playing one on one with his black friend that he paid to lose during the YouTube video? Did anybody watch that? I can't even remember the fuck I saw it. I can't remember if it was on the news or if I watched it online. But he sinks a shot. He's filming himself. He sinks a shot. And he turns around and gives this look to the video camera as he walks all the way back to take the ball out again.

If you see the look on this fucking 140 pound jackass's face. And I can't even get mad at him. He learned it by watching these fucking idiots who hit layups and, you know, thump that chest and do that 300 fucking yell after everything that they do. It's the dumbest. People literally fighting in wars like fucking Rambo taken out three people at once after they do that. They don't fucking turn around and give a look. Why I don't you hit a fucking the kid. It's like a 10 footer turns around and he looks like he's like this.

Like I never even saw Jordan do that. He stared down some people. Absolutely. But after what he dunked on Patrick Ewing and some other six foot 10 guy. That's what I don't like about it. And I see it just the kids. They learn it. And then all of a sudden they're playing the fucking game and I got to sit there and every time somebody hits a layup or catches a four yard pass for a first down.

They got to act like they reinvented the game. And I never saw Jerry Rice, Wayne Gretzky. I mean, I've seen some magic Johnson. I never saw do that. Jesus Christ act like you fucking been there before you goddamn idiots. I don't know. I swear to God. If everybody starts doing it, I'm going to get into needlepoint.

All right. You know, maybe that'll calm me down. Maybe it'll help me with my fucking temper. All right. I'll talk to you next week. Go fuck yourself. In the Berging, in the keuken, even in the living, they're really looking for all those empty batteries. But now we're going to the finish.

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