Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-13

Episode Date: January 29, 2013

Bill rambles about going to Hawaii for 15 hours, watching the Super Bowl and the town whore.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 28th, 2013. I apologize for it being this late and I'm going to pause for all the truly angry people out there. Oh yeah whatever where you the fuck. Let them get that out of their system. One of the key things you got to figure out in life is who you're really mad at. You know are you really mad at me? You never met me? I haven't done nothing to you. I apologize I had a crazy friggin weekend.

Now last I talked to you unless you're new to the podcast and if you're new welcome. Huh? Look at me. I'd say I'm borderline jovial at this point. Welcome to the Monday Morning Podcast. Last I spoke with you I was on my way to Hawaii and I was going to go to the Pro Bowl. Then initially I was going to stay there for a week but I ended up getting some acting work which is great. So I had to cut it short and tell the lovely Nia that I couldn't take her to Hawaii. I'll have to do it next time and basically I was going to go out there.

I was going to do my show at the Republic and then I was going to go to the Pro Bowl the next day. Then go look at a volcano whatever the fuck I was going to do when I was going to fly back. But at least I was going to do that and I ended up getting another acting gig on Monday. And I know what you're thinking Jesus Bill you're acting all over the place. You know and you know what? No I'm not. No I'm not. I'm not. It's just this business knows.

It knows when you're planning to do something fun. You know I don't have any fun plans next month. No vacations, not water skiing. I'm not taking that needle point class that I've had my eye on. I don't have any fun plans next month. And you know what I have for acting worth? I got shit. I got nothing.

This fucking goddamn business. It saw. It felt it. Felt it in the universe. Oh look at Billy Redface. Oh Freckleface himself. He's going to go to the islands. Go to a game.

Have a good time. Ah go fuck yourself. There's a couple acting gigs. You go out there. You do your stand up gig. You go to bed. You get on a plane. You fucking come right back.

Nothing for you. That's what I did this weekend. I worked Friday night. Saturday. I got on a fucking plane by myself. All right. And I'm sitting there. You know when you fly to Hawaii.

I've never done this before. They have like on the monitors. They're playing the music. They already got the music going. Wham wham wham wham. Wham wham wham wham wham. Hooky doo. Bup bup bup bup bup.

Boo. Right. Whatever the fuck. They kept playing that shit. You already feel like you're in Hawaii. And I'm sitting there like an asshole. I'm looking around. Everybody's got their wife or their girlfriend, you know,

or whatever their fantasy football fucking hand job boyfriend, whatever the fuck they got. Whatever the hell it is when guys all go on a vacation and they're not in their 20s. Whatever the fuck that's called. The we're sick of our fucking wives vacation. I don't know what it is. And I'm sitting there like an asshole.

Right. So I fly out there. Crack it down. Fly out there. And I can't even remember the fucking weekend. Yeah. Nia didn't give me a ride. So it must have been really early.

We kind of have this deal. If it's too early, I just jump in a cab. So I took a cab to the airport, got on the fucking plane, flew out there, landed. And, you know, because I wasn't bringing my girl. I was just like, fuck it. I'll stay at whatever. Stay at the cheapest place out of the three that were

so given to me. Right. So I went to this fucking place. It's like, I show up. I'm the only guy like under the age of like 78 there. It's just a bunch of fucking old people. And there's an I hop built into the place. And there's like a fucking homeless guy.

It just, I felt like I was staying in like the port authority section of Hawaii. And what makes it worse is I got there at 12 noon and my room wasn't ready until three. So now I'm sitting there like this fucking asshole. And I'm like adamant, I'm not going to the I hop. They have those on the mainland. I want to do some island shit and the fucking 12 hours that

I'm going to be here. And there was a diner on the corner. And I went there. And I'm standing. There's like fucking 12 people in line. I mean, you got to be shitting me. Right. This is just the stupid touristy place.

There's fucking candy wrappers on the ground before even going there. There's the Reese's wrapper on one side. There's the cup from the Reese's Cup. Like somebody just fucking just ripped it open. Like just it was such force. The Reese's Cup went up in the air. He fired both fucking parts of the package.

Partons, Portland starboard. And then just gulped it down as he ran out not paying for it or whatever. It looked like there was some sort of somebody got mugged who had some candy. You know, so I'm sitting there going, this is a fucking shit hole, but I don't have a car. And I'm like, fuck it.

I'm going to stay. Right. So I go there and I ordered this thing that evidently was a Hawaiian dish and just turned out to be a burger patty with some gravy and some eggs. And I'm sitting there eating it by myself. Mind you, I can't go to the Pro Bowl now because I have to fly right the fuck back.

And I'm sitting there and also this guy taps me on my shoulder. I look over and he goes, hey, excuse me. What are you eating? That looks delicious. And I look at the guy and I'm like, I know this fucking guy. Who is this guy? He looked like a mix between Hulk Hogan and Triple H.

So I kept thinking, is this guy a fucking wrestler? And then I told him, I don't want the name of the dishes, but just say hamburger patty with eggs and gravy. And they'll get to and he laughed and he goes, hey, thanks. And he walked away and I sat there for five minutes and I was like, fuck. That was Kevin Green, former Pittsburgh Stealer. Swear to God, I'm 90% sure it was him.

So that was the one cool thing that happened to me. Somebody who I think was Kevin Green asked me what I was eating I told him I didn't know what the name of it was. He laughed and he left. And then I ate that shit. And they go, do you want dessert? It's like, no, I don't want dessert, but I still have two hours and 15 minutes to kill before my fucking room's ready.

So bring it on, lady. What do you got? What do you got? You got some hookey loud fucking, hookah moocah moocah fucking ice cream because I want it. I want to do something Hawaiian because I'm leaving in fucking 12 hours, right? So they got this Hawaiian fried ice cream.

And immediately I'm thinking, well, isn't that just what, you know, Mexicans do that, right? Is this just the same shit? So what? I never had fried ice cream before. So yeah, let me get the fried ice cream. Fuck it. And I'm sitting there and I'm sitting there.

There's old ladies looking like this chick. She looked like, you know, like whenever they interview people who are still alive that are in like Alfred Hitchcock movies, like that chick from the birds or maybe the chick from Psycho. That's what she looked like. But like courage now she's sitting there. You know, she's a, you know, an old redhead. And I'm like, is that what I'm going to look like?

Except for like the male version. This is what I'm thinking about in paradise. You know, paradise sitting in some shit fucking diner. This is all stuff they don't show you on the brochure, by the way, sitting in some shit fucking diner. And so by the way, the food was delicious. I got to tell you this. It was delicious, but it was a dump.

So that's like 15 minutes go by. I'm like, it's fucking ice cream. What are you doing? Just scoop it out of the thing. And I'm like, are they really frying this? How do you fry it without melting it? This is the dumbest podcast ever. So they finally bring it over.

It's this big goop of fucking shit. And it's just surrounded by this moat of whipped cream. You know, and I ate the whole fucking thing out of sheer, like trying to kill time. It's probably like 3000 calories. Plus I had a burger with gravy, gravy on it with two eggs over easy. All of it delicious. All of it a wonderful thing to eat if you're fucking 14 years old.

But if you're 44, it's not a good scene. So anyways, I finally get into the hotel. And we have a package for you. Look at the package. Look at the package. And it's the fucking Pro Bowl tickets that I'm not going to. And I hand them over to my buddy. Fucking Rose Bowl legend, Jason Lawhead.

He takes them out. They're like glowing like that shit in Pulp Fiction. And I'm like, and I'm in my head. I'm like, dude, you got to put those things away. I didn't say it. I was like, oh, that's great, man. Have a great time. I heard their great seats.

You fucking cook. So whatever. Oh, I forgot this part. I come walking out of the diner. And that homeless guy I saw sitting there, who looked like Kenny Rogers if he never got the plastic surgery and like lived outside since the Nixon administration, right? He's sitting there.

And when I come out, there's a security guard there. You know, no gun, no authority. He's just sent out their baby face. He's like fucking 21 years old. And I could see his body language like, ah, Jesus Christ, right? And all I hear is the homeless guy like, now I'm not leaving. Send me to jail. I'm not because I don't want to.

And you see the kid like, dude, I really don't want to fight. You think I want to do this job? Somebody sent me out of here. And I'm just, and I just start fucking laughing to myself. Because I, for some reason, I didn't think I was good. You know, I'm going to Hawaii. I feel like I'm going to paradise. There's not going to be homeless people here.

It's fucking paradise, right? And it was the same shit. I was in an area. I felt like I was going to get mugged. I found out later that there's a bunch of hookers in that area. And I was like, we talked about there's a bunch of people with kids. They're like, no, no, at night, at night, they all come out. And I was just like, you know, how did they get out there?

You know, how many dicks did they suck to get out there? And like how many fucking, I don't know, hey, spirit, some change. How long were you begging? Somebody tried to tell me that cities put their homeless guys on planes and fly them out there. Like they said, they called it a rainbow project. And I didn't believe that for a fucking second. And I didn't give a shit if you send me documented proof.

There's no fucking way you get a crazy homeless guy and all his funk on a fucking plane. You know, they can still refuse your service. There's no way he's coming on there with his fucking horrific feet and elbows and all that, you know, there's no way. There's no way. Plus the guy's going to fucking have a seizure by the time he gets there from alcohol withdrawal.

You know, those Amstels they sell on the plane aren't going to help them. But you know what I think it is, you know, I think it's just being around the beach, like a beach bum. There's something about being around the beach like, yeah, I'll get to it tomorrow. You know, yeah, did I, did I pay rent? I can't remember. You're homeless. You know, I give a fuck.

Weather's nice. Sleep under a palm tree. You know, I don't know. I wasn't even there long enough. So I did my show at this place, the Republic Republic, and it was the shit. Crowd was fucking awesome sold out. Thank you to everybody who came out. I'm definitely coming back.

It was some of the best energy I've had at a show since I can remember. People were so psyched that somebody from the mainland flew his pasty ass all the way out there. I ran into one guy. He like flew over from another island. And it was like, it was locals. It wasn't tourists. And I found the couple of times I performed on islands.

People who live on islands are fucking cool as hell. You know, I did a gig on Nantucket last year, you know, and I met a, you know, fisherman and people who were there year round through all the weather and all that shit. It's just they're good people, man. So I had a great time there, finished my show, you know, hoarded myself out, sold the DVD, smiling and waving. I had two beers, went back to the hotel, slept for four and a half, five hours, got on a fucking plane and flew right back.

Oh, wait, wait. I bought a magnet to prove. Like, technically, I can't even say I was there because I didn't do anything. I did walk down to the beach for half a second and took a picture of myself, which evidently is called a selfie. I learned that on Chelsea Peretti's Twitter. It's called the selfie. I took one of those with a mountain in the background, sort of for the bunch of buildings.

And, but, you know, the upside was sold out. The crowd was awesome. I'm definitely going to come back. And I think that there is going to be another pro bowl because I guess the game was, was, you know, a bunch of scoring. They were sort of hitting. And I think the NFL was just sort of threatening the players like, Hey, quit fucking dog in the entire game because it's an embarrassment to the league.

You know, how about a mild concussion? Can you give that up for the league just so we can keep this thing going? You know, so it isn't a total fucking embarrassment. Whatever. It was a great time when I was out there. The, uh, I don't know what the fuck I landed at 12. I left the next morning at five. What is that 17 hours?

Oh, Jesus. Um, yeah, then I flew back. I did a fucking acting gig where they put some glued some shit to my face. Did that this morning. And then I flew fucking back here. And now I'm doing my podcast and, uh, Neal was giving me shit. You're going to do the podcast now. You know how they do that?

Like she, I don't know. Women are great. They just want to hang out. If you would, if you just do it with them, like she actually, there's actually a reality show that she's watching right now that I can watch because it's a bunch of, I don't know. You know, it's a bunch of morons, but they're morons that I can relate to. Um, all right, what are we doing here? I got to make sure I do the fucking advertising.

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Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr BURR. That's stamps.com and enter Burr. Okie dokie, uh, back to the podcast here. Um, all right. So what's coming up this, you know what's coming up this week. Fucking Super Bowl dude. Who do you like? This is what I'm doing for the Super Bowl.

All right. I have to work the day of the Super Bowl, believe it or not. All right. Old twinkle toes. It's finishing up an acting gig here. And speaking of acting gigs, um, I have a movie coming out or there's a movie coming out that I'm in. It's not my movie.

It's a movie I'm happy to be in. It's called standup guys comes out February 1st. All right. Stars Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin. Huh? And old Billy Redface is walking by in the background for a couple of scenes. Do not blink. You will miss me.

But you remember back in April of last year when the podcast was late and everybody was giving me a ton of shit about it. And I said, you wait and eight fucking months. I'm going to have the greatest excuse ever. I was late that day because I was in a scene with, uh, Al Pacino and Christopher Walken. All right. So go fuck yourself. That's why it was late.

How do you like that? How do you like them apples? Huh? I'm a Boston guy. Can I say that? I grew up in the suburbs. You can only say that if you're from Southie. Anyways, um, I'll be working on the day of the Super Bowl, but I don't give a shit because,

uh, in my limited wisdom, I think I've figured out how to watch the Super Bowl. All right. Not only do you watch it by yourself. Okay. It's the most important game of the year. It's for the championship. These fucking guys, they're playing a game way. They're going to die.

I hope all the rugby people are paying attention to the level of concussions. All right. They're leading with your shoulders and no pads. Not saying you're not tough. Okay. I think this finally proves that American football is the most psycho fucking sport there is. It's not psycho sport, but you know what I mean?

I wouldn't even say it's tougher than rugby. Both sports are tough, but like the whole thing that English people, they always say that, oh, they got helmets on their fucking pussy. All the helmet does is make you think that you're protected and you use it as a weapon, but your fucking brains in there in the fucking water and it's slamming all over your head. And then when you're 40, you shoot yourself in the chest, you know, so scientists can fucking look at your brain and figure what's going on in there. Do rugby people do that at 40?

I don't think you do. I think you're still running around out on the pitch with the fucking masking tape around your ears. As far as my research goes. Sorry, every once in a while, I got to wake those cunts up. So anyway, this is how I'm going to watch the Super Bowl. You got to watch it by yourself. You got to get away from the fucking, all the broads that come over, including the fucking

guy broads, you know, the ones who don't watch football and they just show up for the dip and they're there with the fucking chicks. They're trying to get laid in your fucking house is basically what they're doing. They talk during the game and they shut up during the commercial. And then when the game comes back on, they're like, I didn't like that one. I thought that was good. How much do you think that cost? Right.

And meanwhile, you can't even watch the fucking game. And then every fucking year, they got to have some whaling whore or some agent fucking rockstar with hair plugs come out there for one last fucking swing at glory. So this is what you do. And people invite you to the suit. Hey, what are you doing for the Super Bowl? And you know what? I'm going, I got this thing I got to do.

Yeah, I got to go out in the woods, come up with something. Or just, just, you know what? Why do you got to lie? I'm watching it by myself. Why are you going to do that? Because I want to watch the game. That's why. All right.

So now you've eliminated all the cunts that are, that are going to be in your living room. Now, that's stage one of the cunt removal. Stage two is to get rid of the cunts you don't want to see that are on the television. And this is the most important part. You record the fucking game. I know a lot of people already do this shit, but there's people who don't. Okay. They're with me.

You record the fucking game. You shut off your fucking cell phone. You don't answer your phone. You don't go on your computer. All right. And you just, as, as the whole rest of the world is watching somebody lip-sync some pre-recorded fucking. And no mother pray. Whatever the fuck they do, right?

And the fucking just go right over the fucking top. You know, what do you do downstairs? Spackle on a wall. Wait for that red, that pink spackle to turn white so you can sand that fucker down. Right? Put a little goddamn paint on it. Nobody knows. Nobody knows from last year when you punched the wall because that fucking douche wouldn't shut up during the game.

And he was double dipping. You fucking put your hand through the wall. Fix that thing. Patch that hole in the wall. Is everybody is watching Huey Lewis in the news. He went, bam, bam, bam. Try to fucking kick off the game. Whoever the fuck they got this year.

Right? They got Beyonce's going to sing. Whatever the hell she's going to do the whole halftime. She shouldn't be there unless she's watching. Why is she out there? What's she going to do? You know, let there a little glitter hot pants. You know, I don't want to see that shit.

So what you do is you just let the game go. Let it go for a good, I don't know, 90 minutes, two hours. Then you sit down. Like you control the universe. Like your Jesus walking on the water except you're sitting in your fucking chair. And you turn that fucking run. And you hit fast forward one, two, three, four and you watch all the talking heads and then you fucking you watching fast motion. Adam and the answer, whoever the fuck they have opening up.

Maybe Metallica singing a fucking Tom Petty song. Maybe Tom Petty's there with them in that fucking. What the hell is his name there? Lou Reed. Maybe he's out there singing it. Who the fuck knows? That seems to be the thing. You have the old people first.

Then you get some young hottie during halftime sitting there with the tits hanging out. Isn't that what you do? That's America. You fast forward to all that fucking shit in the beginning. And you just get right to the kickoff. You just watch the game. That's your leisure. That's your fucking leisure.

And then you know what happens after the first half and they start wheeling that big, dumb fucking stage out there. And every douchebag, whoever had a fucking dream of dancing is fucking. You just taken up a whole football field of fucking singers and dancers. The most unfootball fucking thing you could possibly have. You know, everybody who talked during the first half, they're all shutting up. They're sitting there on their fucking knees two feet from your fucking breathing on your flat screen. You know, like it's the beginning of the Mickey Mouse Club and they got their fucking ears on. You fast forward through all of that shit.

And you just go right and then you know what happens is you never lose the flow of the game. Now, why don't you invite a couple of people over who want to do it that way? People who want to shut the fuck up. Real fans. And I suggest this. If you want to sound intelligent to the people that you're going to watch the game with, I highly recommend buying the Sports Illustrated this week that has both of the Harbaugh brothers. How the fuck you say their names on the cover?

Both phenomenal coaches. Obviously they're there in the Super Bowl. God damn it. They both of them, their teams didn't fuck up. I know it's a big if 49s didn't drop three fucking punts or whatever they held it did last year. And you know what the Ravens did? What they miss a fucking extra point or something. I can't.

It was like a chip shot that would have been back to back years with them. Who knows? They both would have gone and then they would have partied too much and then they would have sucked this year. That's what happens. But whatever. Anyways, so they got this great article where they break down the game at a level that I wish I knew more of. They got this thing in there. Remember what the fuck is his name?

I was going to say Hammerlick. Been watching too much fucking hockey. What's the name of the Cam Cameron? The fuck's the name of the quarterback? Kaepernick. What's his name? Chris Kaepernick? Chip Kaepernick?

Creepy Kaepernick? Whatever the fuck his name is. The guy's the shit. You know when he was running wild like fucking Hulk Hogan against the Green Bay Packers? Basically, they were breaking down that play. Trying to see if they would be able to run it. It's called the zone read and they run it out of the pistol alignment. How cool is that?

Which is basically the shotgun formation, but you're closer to the center. So they call it the pistol alignment. You got a tailback right behind you and this is what happens. You hike the ball, quarterback turns around. He puts the ball right in the fucking bread basket of the tailback and right there he does his zone read, which basically means he looks at that defensive end of the linebacker who's supposed to seal off the edge and he basically does a quick read. If the fucking guy holds his ground, he just continues handing the ball off to the fucking tailback.

But if the fucking guy on the end bites on it and starts to pinch in, you pull it back and you fucking run around the side. There you go. That's called the zone read from the pistol alignment. And the point where you're holding the ball, almost giving it to tailback, but not really, but maybe you're gonna, that's called the mesh point. I wish I knew this shit. I really did.

But they have like 10 pages on this shit talking about the Ravens defense, their running game was absolutely fascinating, so much better than watching ESPN and watching Herm Edwards screaming or that guy with the hair and the cold pizza yelling, you know, you know, he always sucked in gym class. He reeks of it, reeks of it. He looks like he's good at like rich white guy sports. Like I'd say Polo, but he's so fucking short. He probably fall off the horse trying to hit that pole.

I think maybe a badman. There you go. Badman, maybe he's good at badman. But this is like everything you want to know without the screaming and yelling. And I'm really being a nerd right now because I'm basically saying the book is better than the movie, but I highly recommend reading that shit and then watching the game by yourself and seeing if you can pick up the pistol alignment, the zone read, the pistol alignment, you know. I don't know.

That type of shit excites me. Don't you want to know what the cover two is for once in your life? Don't you wish you could watch football, these fucking assholes playing fantasy football and fucking with their faces two inches from the goddamn screen, memorizing stats. Wouldn't you want to be up in the stands being able to see what each team is doing and how teams are adjusting like last week? It was like two weeks ago when the 49ers were almost they were down like 14-nothing or something crazy and all of a sudden it just stopped and they came back.

And everyone's go, Oh, Kaepernick Kaepernick. I'm reading this fucking article and the one of the offensive coordinators or the 49ers is like, Ah, you know, after, you know, about a quarter, quarter and a half, we kind of saw what they were doing and then we adjusted to it. And you're like, Oh, that's what happened. I just thought the momentum changed magic. Like I watch it at such a, I'm a ball watcher. I hate it.

I hate that I am. I wish I could sit up in the stands and be like, Oh, it's a fucking, you know, I don't know any other defense other than cover two. I love him. What's his face? I actually hate it when Gruden starts talking about the defenses and stuff. And they start throwing out this terminology. It's like, why don't you fucking tell me what it means?

You know, I don't know, Bill. Why don't you utilize the internet and fucking look it up? I'm sure there's a YouTube video about it. Okay. You got me. So anyways, that's how I'm watching the, that's how I'm watching the Super Bowl. Thoughts? Anyone?

Anybody? Is this even remotely fucking interesting? I don't, I don't, you know, whatever. You know, you know my policy. I always tape in the morning. I never tape on days when I flew on a fucking plane, but I had no choice because I had to fly today. All right. All right.

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You have no excuse. Go there now. Please. All right. Back to the podcast here. What else did I want to talk about? Oh, I saw a good documentary this week. This is more me reminiscing about my week.

Sort of a verbal diary, audio diary. I saw this new documentary on Ginger Baker, which is funny. I used to listen to him when I was growing up Ginger Baker and I thought it was just a nickname. This is before Ginger that term jumped the ocean and came over here from Ireland, Scotland and England. He was a redheaded dude, Ginger Baker, whatever. So the name of this podcast, the name of this documentary is beware of Mr. Baker. And I don't care if you play drums or not.

There's no way you're not going to enjoy this. This guy's one of the most interesting human beings I've ever seen in my life. You guys think I'm a crabby old fucking man. You got to see this guy. And he trashes John Bonham. He trashes him. And I'm going to say what he says here in about five seconds. So fast forward if you don't want me to ruin it.

But for those of you who don't play drums, nobody trashes John Bonham. Unless you're just some troll trying to piss people off on the Internet. It's like he's the fucking king. As far as rock drummers go, the guy's the king. It's, you know, there's definitely the who's better Bonham or Pert. And they argue, but nobody ever says that Bonham sucks if you're just being a douche. But Ginger Baker actually, he said, they asked him what he thought about John Bonham. And I guess people trash him on the Internet because there's so many cunts there.

But anytime you ever ask a drummer, a rock drummer about John Bonham, they all just in hush tones speak of the power, his swing, his feel, his subtlety, his originality, the triplets, the single bass drum, the whole fucking thing. And Ginger Baker said, John Bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit. It was one of the fucking, my jaw was almost on the ground. I couldn't fucking believe it. And I just burst it out laughing. I've never, to hear somebody who's considered a God just dismissed like that.

And then even like Clapton, he didn't shit on Bonham. But like Clapton, they were like, you know, how do you compare Bonham to Ginger Baker? And he was just like, oh, no, no, he's like, you know, it's not even a, basically it's not even a contest. Ginger Baker was a fully formed musician, a composer and all this type of stuff. I don't know. It just, for me, I don't like, I mean, I've actually looked at photos online and considered having them blown up and hanging them in my house of John Bonham. That's like what I think of him.

And just to hear somebody just, you know, basically, he's like my Lance Armstrong. Like, you know, something like from my Lance Armstrong moment, you know, those people got all disappointed, like, what do I tell my kids? My Lance Armstrong moment would be if I found out that in the studio, he actually played a double pedal or a double bass drum. Now, I know a lot of you guys are going to show that picture of him with the double bass drum set up. I know the story behind that. That was all when he first got the kit, when what's his face hooked him up with it.

This is so fucking inside at this point. You'd have to be a drummer too, even like any of this Carmine apicy Carmine apicy or a PC. I've had like 58 different pronunciations of their last name. He had a deal with Ludwig and I think Bonham initially was playing Slinger Lance. And Carmine got him in with Ludwig and he got the same setup that Carmine had. So he had the double bass and he brought it to like one rehearsal and the other guys in the band just kept taking the other bass drum out. Just going, you don't need it. It's cluttering up everything.

I really can't imagine him playing a double bass drum set. He would have fucking drowned out the whole goddamn band. But whatever. And anybody thinks he doesn't have a fast foot, just watch him at Royal Albert Hall in 1970 and then you can go fuck yourself. But evidently Ginger Baker says he couldn't swing a sack of shit, which just killed me. If you just want to see a fucking angry redhead playing drums, because I haven't made any drum videos yet. This is the guy. This is the real deal.

It's called Beware of Mr. Baker. He was underrated listening to Ginger Baker for a fucking hour and a half. It was awesome. And then I actually watched some of the comeback shows that they had. The one at Royal Albert Hall and he was fucking unbelievable. Drums just sounded amazing. An incredible player. But that's just the tip of the iceberg.

It's just how he lives his life going broke and just moving on from relationships. Really an amazing documentary. Anyways, with that, let's get to some of your questions here. I feel like I've been running my mouth here for fucking almost 40 minutes here. Bill, heard you love drinking. Hey man, heard you love to drink. And I agree, drinking is great. But I haven't been handling my liquor too well of late.

I've been getting blackout drunk every night for a while now except for a week. What? Did you blackout drunk when you wrote this? I've been getting blackout drunk every night for a while now. Except for a week, maybe a month here and there. Okay, there we go. That was on me. Sorry.

When I want to remember things that have actually happened and not just night terrors. Any tips on drinking semi-responsible? I really would like to continue to use it as a social lubricant and overall good time liquid. Thanks for the free rent. You're welcome. I've been getting blackout drunk every night for a while now. Dude, you sound like... I love to drink, but I don't get blackout drunk.

I get just to the point where I say something I wish I didn't say. And I don't do it every night. Getting blackout drunk every night, it depends on your age. I mean, if you're like, I don't know, 17, 18, and you just discovered alcohol and you're fucking, you know, drinking the way you fuck 90 miles an hour. That's only semi-scary. Even that's scary. But yeah, dude, blackout drunk is some serious shit.

I don't know. I would talk to somebody... I don't know what I would do. If I was getting blackout drunk every fucking night, I think I would quit for a while. Well, I get to a point where I just embarrass myself too much and then I just need to like back off. I've been really big on beer lately. I go back and forth between Scotch and beer and I got into beer and I got into the whole fancy fucking beers. Now I'm back to beer that my dad drank and my friend's dad's drank when I was a kid.

So it was basically beer that we stole. So every once in a while I go back to beers and I drank in high school and I drink them. And it's this weird sort of like, you know, I don't know, when I taste it, I just think about... I always picture, you know, just drinking in the woods. The cops, dude, the cops are coming. So yeah, that would be my... Look, if you're not an alcoholic, I would just monitor your drinking. But if you're getting blackout drunk every night, you might have a problem.

So I wouldn't want to tell you how to drink semi-responsibly because if you're an alcoholic, you're not going to. So I would explore a little more your level of addiction. And when you figure that out, I would then act accordingly. And if you figured out that you're an alcoholic, I would try and quit drinking as soon as possible because it will ruin your life. Believe me. I said something fucking horrible this weekend after I did my shows. It was only after like two beers. I'm going to try to figure out how to tell this story without outing anybody in it.

I'm sitting there, I haven't drank since these two girls come up. Yeah, you were funny, but blah, blah, hey, thanks a lot. How long you staying out here? I got to leave in five hours. What are you a fucking moron? Yes, I am. That type of shit. And so they pointed this girl.

She's like the girl next door going, hey, you know what she does? What do you think she does? And I was listening. And usually I can get a read. I just couldn't get a read on this girl. I don't know what she did. She looked like she would just work in customer service, but there was something different about her. But it was because she looked like that.

I couldn't, she just looked like she just get a regular job, you know, get married, become a mom, one of those people. They're just happy so they don't need to go out and try to achieve some stupid fucking goals so they can then get trashed on Twitter. So anyways, they go, she actually flies those giant cargo planes with like the three tanks in the back that they drop out with the fucking parachutes. And I'm like, are you shitting me? Like, that's unbelievable. Right. I'm blown away. And then she points to her friend and goes, ah, this is my friend.

She used to be a cheerleader for this professional football team. Right. They tell me that. And now I'm thinking bullshit. I'm like, all right, you're a fucking pilot. Not saying the other girl wasn't good looking, but I'm kind of drunk at this point because I haven't eaten. I only had two beers. That was the thing.

I only had two fucking beers, but even at two beers, the level of asshole I am at stone sober. Two beers in. I say to lawhead, I go, I just, you know, kind of whisper to him. I go, there's no way she was a Cowboys cheerleader. Her rack isn't big enough. And then she just goes clear as day. Did you just say my rack isn't big enough? Felling a fucking asshole.

And I'm thinking, I thought I whispered that. Evidently, I yelled it over the fucking music. And then I had to try and talk my way out of that. I wasn't saying she wasn't good looking, but you know, you watch them on TV. They make it look like they all got fucking, you know, fucking very least 34 C all the way up to D cup titties. They make them look perfect. Most of them are probably fake. It's like the fake.

I told her, I said, look, every chick out there is fake titties in Dallas. This is me flailing, trying to get out of it or trying to like, I felt bad. I should just apologize. It wasn't drunk. You can't apologize for that. I said it. She heard it. I'm an asshole.

But when I did say I was like the fake titty capital of the world, she did give me a high five and I thought it was fine. But later on when I walked out, I walked by, I think it was her husband. She had a wedding ring on and I walked by this guy and I thought he was waving to me. He holds up a cell phone and I see that there's a picture of a Dallas cowboy cheerleader on it. So I think it was his wife, which means she went over and told him and I want to thank that guy. She told you and you didn't smash a bottle over my head. I really want to. I appreciate it.

My fault. Next time I come out there, I'll buy you some fucking, I don't know what, whatever the poo poo platter, whatever the fuck they have out there. Brutal. So that's why I try to drink at home. You know, what am I going to do? Say something rude to my dog? Oh, Jesus. I'm really too old to have continued to have new stories like this.

Anyways, all right, Bill, what's my move? I'm a sophomore in college and not very experienced with relationships. I met this girl about three weeks ago in class and she seems pretty cool. We've been hanging out progressively more often during the last couple of weeks. I feel like I've been getting signs from her, but I'm pretty confused now. She comes to my room and we hang out on the bed lying close to each other. Oh God, dude, she's waiting for you to make a move. That's what your next move is.

Make a move. We hang out on my bed lying close to each other and do homework or watch a movie or whatever. She also texts me every day. So yesterday we kissed for the first time. There you go. You're in the game. Now batting. Right?

When they bring in the substitute guy and all those nerds are keeping score. Start fucking erasing shit, you know. Now batting. A virgin out of Des Moines, Iowa. Anyway, so yesterday we kissed for the first time before she left. About 20 minutes after I get a text from her with about six paragraphs explaining how she kind of has a boyfriend, but he treats her like shit, so it's pretty much over. Oh Jesus.

You know what? There's always a price to pay. No matter what you do. It's like that guy who doesn't want to drink anymore. Who wants to taper it down. There's a price he's going to pay. And the price he's going to pay is he's going to be sitting there doing the right thing, not drinking. Wishing that he could just sit there and fucking pound 20 beers, you know.

But he wants to take control of his fucking life and the price he has to pay is he can't ever do that again. And then there's the other side. You drink the 20 fucking beers and then you know the price you pay. Look at the price I paid after having two fucking light weight, you know. There you go. You finally make the move. You kiss her. There's always a fucking price.

So you got to ask yourself, son, are you willing to pay this price? If you continue, I'm not going to read the rest of this because I can tell you right now. There is possibly a fucking beat down slash double murder slash maybe double murder suicide at the end of this pussy rainbow. Anyways, I'll read the rest. He goes, and also she explains how she's not ready for a relationship, but we can still cuddle. I don't know about this. Yeah, fuck this chick. He goes, I'm trying to get my dick wet, but she also seems cool.

You're trying to get your dick wet. This dude's not a virgin. You speak in the language. Trying to get your dick wet. Yeah, you fucking, this is the pistol fucking formation. All right. You kissed her. That's the mesh point.

You got to do a zone read here. What's going on? What's going on right here? On two. On two. Ready. Break. Right.

Come on, dude. You know what the fuck you got to do right now. You know what? You seem like a guy who got laid hasn't got laid for a while. So now, or maybe you really like this girl. I don't know what the fuck's going on. All right. Let me just read the rest of this fucking thing.

There's like two more sentences. It says, I just don't want to be in the same position for the next two months. Should I give a shit about this girl? Am I getting bullshitted? Yeah, you're getting bullshitted. She wants to get out of the relationship, but she doesn't want to be lonely. All right. This is what you should say to her.

Say, look. All right. I think, you know, I don't do that. I don't kiss girls who have boyfriends. I don't do that stuff. And I don't hang out with them laying on beds. I would love to lay in a bed and kiss you if you did not have a boyfriend. So I think it would be best if when that situation clears up, you know, then come by, you know, but, you know, wait a while.

Give the guy an opportunity to see, you know, if he's going to kill you or not. So I don't get caught in the crossfire after, you know, two, three months. He doesn't kill you. I know it's safe and I will gladly bang you in my, my fucking bed, my single. That's how I'd handle it. That's how I should have handled that at your age, but there weren't podcasts. So I just had to listen to my dick. Oh, fuck.

There it was. There it was. It took me 50 fucking minutes to be funny, but there it was. All right. That is X. Hey, Bill, I really appreciate the show. It keeps me sane in the cubicle farm. Well, God bless you for fucking fighting the good fight out there.

Now to the meat of the email. Look at this guy. He thanks me in like a sentence and a half and he gets right to it. This is how you do it, people. This is textbook. He goes, my fiancee who I love dearly has an ex boyfriend. She maintains a friendship with fucking drop this bitch right now. Sorry, knee jerk reaction.

Continuing listening without prejudice. I am of the mindset that men and women cannot maintain that kind of relationship. Thank you. Preach on, especially if there was some kind of dating involved in the past. Uh-huh. Uh, I am not comfortable with this guy. And I am struggling with this, struggling with this shit. Um, should I straight out tell the cunt?

I don't like him being around. Or do I take the more painful approach and pretend everything's cool? One other quick question. I have to make a run to New Mexico, Mexico soon and wanted to snag the name of that Italian place you were talking about on the podcast or so back. Ah, fuck. You know what? It's right next to a Hilton garden in and it begins with a B. Like Bueno, Blana, something like that.

Come on. Somebody in New Mexico helped this guy out. Um, and send it to me and I'll read it next week. I'll figure it out by next week. All right. That's a promise. But anyways, yeah, dude, you got, you got, you got a, this is, this is not cool at all. It's not cool at all.

All right. That's not cool at all. Guys do not continue being friends with women. I think women maybe can do it, but guys can't do it. He's trying to, he's trying to fucking, he's going to try to banger. Dude, that's fucked. This is your fiance. You can't fucking have that.

You can't have that. You know, and, uh, this is what you got to do. You got to tell her that. And when she gets mad and she gets upset, what, you know, trust me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You have to sit there and totally maintain your cool. Do not take the bait. If she starts calling you names, if she's a name call and all that, do not get upset. Just say that like that shit I did in my act.

We will discuss this later when you calm down. I don't want to argue about this. I don't think it's fair the position you're putting me in. And, um, I would never do that to you. I would never hang out with an ex-girlfriend of mine. All right. I don't think that that's cool. So I would appreciate it if you would not do that anymore.

And if she continues to do it, then, um, I would marry somebody else personally. You know, I'm not cool with that in my relationship. I've had to deal with that. You know, I've had to deal with that a couple of times. Well, you know, it's just kind of as a friend. Oh, we took an acting class above like, no, no. I literally have to explain. Do you think he's?

Yes. Yes, he is. He has tried to. He has tried to. Yes, exactly. You know, or maybe he's, he's hoping that you have hot friends that he can try and fuck by, you know, being the guy who hangs out with the chicks, you know, maybe he's trying to do that. But he's trying to fuck something.

And if you're the only thing around, he's going to try and fuck you. So no, it's not cool. Um, anyways, all right, next one. This is all fucking guys talking about the ladies this week. Um, stay with girl or not. All right. Hi, Bill. Love the podcast.

Thank you. And in a tough situation. So I would like to know your thoughts. I've been with a girl for five months and a few weeks into it. She mentioned she had been in a relationship for five years and is still friends with the guy. What the fuck is this? Is this the same one? I already answered this who I've met and who isn't a bad dude.

She used to talk to him a lot. So she seemed not over him and mentioned that they were basically fuck buddies since breaking up, which I don't mind happening, but do mind her thinking it's no biggie to tell me. All right. Let me, let me try and do the math on that. She mentioned they were basically fuck buddies since breaking up, which I don't mind happening, but do mind her thinking it's no biggie to tell me. So you don't mind if she's fucking this guy on the side.

Just don't bring it up. Wasn't there an R&B song about that? Something about girl I don't want to know. Something. Can't fucking remember. Anyways, it seemed like it was a recent breakup. But when I asked her, she said in a roundabout way, it was about two years ago. About two months in, she admitted that she had last slept with them the week after she met me,

which was actually the night of the day we met up for the first time. So after our first date, this sounds dumb, but otherwise things are good. And she's tone talking about him down since and is a good girl different to a lot of ones in my past, which is why I stayed with her after that. This girl's fucking your brains out. That's what's going on. She likes sex, and I guarantee you she fucked this guy at least one more time after your first date. That this, that's my instinct.

I'm not saying that's true. That's just my instinct. Anyways, she says I'm 25 and haven't had a girlfriend before. I'm not wanting to settle and enjoy being single. Exactly. There we go. You haven't had a girlfriend before. So you don't know how to set up a relationship.

Yeah, because you're setting this one up. Dude, come on. You gotta have some self-worth here. Okay? Fuck this shit. This isn't the mother of your kids. She's got a fuck buddy. Bangs him one time after your first date.

Obviously, she wasn't seeing fireworks. The fuck is she doing with you? All right, let her blow you one more time and show her the fucking door. Sorry. Got emotional. I'll let, I'll let's respect this and I'll read the rest. Just getting sick of the single life when I got with her and we'd be bummed out with the prospect of getting laid less than once a month.

Yeah, you know something. You're both using each other. You're five months in. I really hope you're not in love with this girl. Said I have graduated and want to move out of our city partly to move in with a really good friend who I miss who lives in interstate and she still has one year to go and doesn't seem keen on moving in your words based on that one incident. I think I already told you.

I don't think she's going to be the mother of my children areas and I'll always think of it when I tell people how we met. I feel I could be missing out on advancing my career and being with my best friend as I've grown apart from my other friends as well as getting out of my shitty small town. Do you think I should move out and cut this thing short apps a fucking Lutely and you know you should get out of your shitty small town. Fuck this girl. She's going to be in that same bar every fucking Christmas when you come home to visit your

parents. Okay. She's going to be there and every year face is going to get a little fatter and she might have more ink on her fucking arm and you are going to be moving on with your life. All right. And then one day you're not going to want to go back to that bar. You're just going to drive by it and you're going to be like I wonder if she's in there and you're not going to give a fuck because the girl your dreams is going to be in your

passenger seat and you're going to drive right by on this perfectly fucking snow covered road. There's a picture for you but that's only going to happen if you dump this whore and get out of that small shitty town. All right. That was a good one huh. Okay. Olive Garden Chronicles.

Hey Billy boy. I am a 24 year old part time college student working at Olive Garden and this new chick here has been a real flirt towards me. I see just about all the signs. She always tells me how delicious I smell gross. How bad she wants to play with my hair. Okay. One time when I was testing out a drink she took the glass, rotated to the part where

my mouth was and drank on it from there. Disgusting. All right. So you know she swallows. So what do you plan on taking old ass to mouth? Sorry. For some reason I found that hot. Oh this guy is fucking hilarious.

Everything about her was incredible figure and nice tits and glasses made her look even sexier with her pinned up hair. One big problem. This is a game changer. She's 17. Oh dude. She's got major fucking daddy issues. Come on dude.

There's plenty of whores that are of age. Do I really need to read the rest of this? We got off at the same time the other night and just started talking outside. Dude if this fucking goes to some sexual thing, if I read it, am I part of the fucking crime? Is 17 legal in your state? In some states it is. Just a good old boy. I did the gentleman thing and asked her if she needed to ride home.

Fuck you. You fucking cunt. Don't lie to me. Huh? I thought we were friends. Calling me up, you're asking for advice and then you thought you think I'm a fucking moron? You didn't do the gentlemanly thing. Your dick was fucking pushing through your zipper and you're like, hey you want to ride home?

You want to fucking ruin this girl. You do the gentlemanly thing, you fuck. You know what? Just for that I shouldn't even read the rest of this but I'm too fucking interested. She politely declined and said her sister wants to pick her up, adding that she doesn't want to use me like that. She also said she was afraid that she might get used to it and expect it every time we work together. Understandable. It's not understandable.

She's fucking jerking you around. She's putting on a goddamn fucking PG-13 sex show. You know? Inside the bar and then you get outside. Hey, there's my car. You want to just fucking continue on with your little show? No, that's okay. This might be one of these girls that gets your dick fucking, you know, hard as a fucking rock and then just walks away, just wants to see you chase it.

And the only way you're going to get it is if you just fucking walk away from it and she'll follow you home like a lost puppy. She's 18, so you don't want that to happen. Anyways, however, she asked me to stick around and keep her company till her ride comes. She asked me where I usually hang out. Dude, am I going to get in trouble for this shit? I'm not reading the rest of this. She's only 17 when she called Kip Winger. He'll tell you what the fuck to do.

I say walk away. All right. The only question you should be asking her is when are you turning 18? When she says why say because I'll tell you on your birthday. Alrighty, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. Bittersweet this week, you know, Rondo went down towards ACL. I fucking love the Celtics. I really do.

And I know there's a lot of people that hate the Boston Celtics, but you know something, if I can appreciate the fact that Paul Gasol is a great basketball player and Kobe Bryant, you got to even as a Laker fan. Come on. You got it. You got it. You have to admit, unless you're just a straight up cunt, the fucking Celtics got more heart than any other team in the league. You know they do. You know they do.

I'm telling you, they will fight you to the end. Even fucking Kobe said it. He said the Celtics never fucking quit. And if you guys think that because Rondo has gone down that this team is going to roll over, you're out of your fucking minds. All right. The only way this team rolls over is if Danny Angel and those guys break it up. That's the only way. That's the only fucking way.

And I was flying to God knows fucking where and I missed that whole Celtics heat game. But I have been watching the Bruins. I watch them come back tonight after the Hurricanes tied it up. Hurricanes look good, man. Great gold tender fucking the cuntiest four checking I've ever seen. But we somehow survived it. But they're a great team. We got the devils tomorrow night when they're always great.

So I can't believe how much I missed hockey when it came back. I just absolutely fucking love it. It's the greatest goddamn sport. And I love that most people think it sucks. Please, by all means, continue to not watch it. I love it. It's great being the fourth most popular sport. It's great.

You know what that's like? That's like being like, what's that like being? It's like being the bass player in this fucking awesome band. And you just collect and checks. But when you walk off stage, nobody recognizes you. Nobody gives a fuck. They're all running all over to the singer and the lead guitarist. And you get to live a life.

Go down to the beach, drink a fucking six pack with your rockstar money. You know, you got enough money to get a good looking fucking woman. You got to deal with the bullshit. What am I talking about? I can't remember what the fuck. What was I just talking about being a hockey fan? It's great. I'm sorry, guys.

I was I've been on four planes in three days. All right. There's my excuse. I'm limping home. All right. That's the podcast for this week. As always, if you want to buy something on Amazon.com and donate to the Monday morning podcast, just go to the podcast page on billbird.com.

We have a banner ad. You click right on the Amazon banner. Takes your right to Amazon and you're on there. You don't have to do anything else. Everything's still the same price. They kick me a percentage. I take a percentage of that. Actually a percentage of all my advertising 10% to be exact.

And I give it to the wounded warriors project. You'll be supporting this podcast and the wounded warriors project. And that is it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the Super Bowl. Give it a shot if you haven't already committed to a Super Bowl party. If you're already committed, still tape the game at home.

Okay. And then just sit down and watch it and look for that play. I'm going to look for it too. The pistol fucking formation. I can't even remember what the fuck it's called. What you love when they say that shit? It's basically a hot read. The fuck are you talking about?

John Gruden. Come out with a book and explain it to me. What is the cover to defense? All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.

Bye. This is not, it doesn't seem like this is the girl for you. She might be a little too advanced or whatever. Nia, will you stop alligator Arminith? This might not be the girl for you. She's a little too advanced. This woman is a fucking war pig. You're alligator Arminith.

I'm not. I'm trying to be like tender and nice. You know what alligator Arminith? You don't watch sports. No, I don't. You know what? I really don't appreciate when I come down here and having this conversation with you and you want to throw these little sports things at me.

And you always, you always say, oh, you don't watch sports or you need the sports thing. Like you have to like remind me that I'm not on the same level as you. Like, so I'm not going to get all your amazing sports references and terms and phrases. And I don't appreciate that. Can you guys believe that when in 10 minutes of just going on this rant about how dumb I am and how innocent I am with using the word fag and I don't. And you have like an innocent heart, but you're dumb and you just respond with rage. The whole way you made me this fucking like simpleton.

You have me doing everything but fucking, you know, being a big goof like, hey, I don't like walking on the street like, you know, and accidentally crush somebody to death trying to hug them. That's how you just painted me. You're like, yeah, you're like of a misoned man. That's how you're painting me within 10 minutes of this. You're a Lenny in a misoned man. That's exactly how you described me.

I was too dumb to know that fucking reference. And then because I say alligator arm is okay. You've seen an alligator, right? Yeah. Do they have long arms? No, they do not. They do not. And it's basically, it's a, it's a sports term.

Somebody throws you the ball and you could actually reach out and get it, but you don't totally reach out because you're worried about getting hit. Okay. So you alligator arm it. It's like, so, and if you don't catch the ball, the guy can't hit you. Oh, okay. I thought, so I'm saying, so you're alligator arm in this and that you're going, this girl isn't a girl for you, blah, blah, blah.

He's in, he's, he's in there with the fucking pit viper. Right. He's the goat. And she's the, he is the STD free goat. And he is walking into a fucking incubator of just, I mean, I mean, this girl probably I don't, I want to get it too. She's not the girl for you. She's not the girl for you.

That's bad advice. Why? This girl is a fucking pig. What is he supposed to do about it? Tell the whole fucking school. I'm just saying she's not the girl for you. Move on to somebody else who's more your speed. Why is that bad advice?

Because you're acting like, you know, she's not into sports, likes to eat and is a morning person. And he likes sports and staying up. You know what? This person is not into sports. He's not into sports. He's not into sports. He's not into sports.

He's not into sports. He's not into sports. He's not into sports. He's not into sports. He likes sports and staying up. You know what? This person isn't like, you know, this person isn't for you. I mean, it's like a foodie.

It's a simple way of saying that, you know, you shouldn't move on. That's all it is. No. It's like you're sitting there with the toddler and he's about ready to touch a hot stove. You got to be like, there has to be a sense of urgency here. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, this will hurt you. This will hurt. You know, you make that little fucking, because they don't even speak English.

You're trying to fucking speak English. They can't, they can't speak yet. You're trying to fucking have a fuck yourself. You're sitting there talking to this person like, hey, try some of this sandwich. Yeah, I didn't really like that bread. Well, maybe you like this bread. Like it's just like this whimsical. There's too many daisies in what you're saying.

This is, this is a very dangerous situation. This guy should stay away from this girl on all fucking and all girls like this. She's got a, she's on her period and she has no fucking like, like class. She just opens her leg. Like what was he supposed to do? Pull it out and just go off on it. There's other ways. She's suggesting anal.

This girl is like, oh, she's a fucking mess. Stay away from this girl. This girl will get pregnant. This girl will give you a fucking disease. This girl will steal your laptop. This girl's a fucking nightmare. Knock it off. All right.

Advice for a lady. Dear Bill, I've been with my boyfriend for two years now. We're in college together and he's currently taking a semester abroad. Oh, Jesus. We're in Brazil. Before he left, we had a running joke that I was going to need a vibrator when he left as a surprise parting gift. He got me one. I have a couple of friends whose boyfriends bought them sex toys.

So while I was a little surprised, he actually got me a vibrator. I also happened to know that it's a relatively normal. It's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that. Yeah, that's basically like this era's chastity belt. You know, you're trying to lock down the pussy. That's disgusting. But that's what he's doing though. Anyway, yeah, but it's done because those things you use them too much.

They numb up your area there and then the guy can't even remotely try and, you know, do something for him. Then you've got to be sitting there banging them as they're using the thing. It's like you and an alien are fucking this girl. Is this an alien? That's just all dick. It has no body. Alright, whatever. Let's move on. What am I basing in on? I'm basing my fucking life.

I did live a little bit of a life before I met you. I realized that. Anyway, fast forward to about a week ago. We were on Skype. I asked you to take this thing out. No, we don't have sex chats. Thank God. And he casually asked me how his gift for me was working out.

I told him it was working out pretty well. He then mentioned that he had bought something for himself. A flashlight. Joe Rogan experience is brought to you by the flesh like every week. Those are very weird. They look like that thing Boba Fett fell into when he died in one of those space movies. He's trying to be faithful to her. That's nice. She goes, I knew what this was because I am an avid listener of Joe Rogan's podcast.

There you go. Joe Rogan's come up three times in this podcast who raves about it constantly. My boyfriend had never mentioned to me that he was interested in anything like that. And I always thought the idea of it was totally creepy. I acted like it was totally cool. But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake. Wait, I got lost in that. I actually was thinking is Joe going to get mad that I'm saying that this is weird.

Okay, I acted like it was totally cool. But in all honesty, I really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake vagina whenever he wants to. I'm finding myself getting crazy jealous and angry whenever I think about it. I know, I know I'm jealous of an inanimate object which seems insane. Let me finish. I'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely okay with it since it's sort of a hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator. But now I'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo.

So I wouldn't be able to complain when he got himself a proxy pussy. Proxy pussy. So what do you think? Do I need to suck it up and get over this? Or is my jealousy legitimate? Thanks and go fuck yourself. It's hilarious. Let him go fuck his fake pussy.

As long as he's not faking a real pussy, I mean, fucking a real pussy, then, you know, it's all good. Plus, it's not just like the pussy that he's missing. He's also missing, like, you know, your touch and kissing and the whole other part of it too. And that fake pussy can't blow him either. No, he isn't. He's getting right to the dessert. Don't be jealous of it. Have you tried these Brussels sprouts?

Don't need them. Don't be jealous of it. Bring over the Trace Leche. When he comes back, it'll be even better because you both have been, like, doing it with inanimate objects. And so you'll be rediscovering each other all over again. It'll be even better. I don't think it's a good thing. Why?

Because once you start down a path sexually, you know, in order to get off that path, you don't just jump over onto another path. You got to walk all the way back up the path you went down, get to the fork where you fucked up, and then head down the other one. What I'm saying is he might get used to just doing that. And the sensation of that is what gets him off. And then when her pussy doesn't feel like the fleshlight, he'll feel better. He'll, he'll bang her.

And then, and then when he needs to finish, she'll be like, all right, and now for me. What that fucking thing? No, no, she'll feel even better. If anything, he'll be like, oh my God, I forgot what a real woman feels like, and he'll be done in like two minutes or something. That's what you hope. I don't think she should be jealous of it, though. They're both, they're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship

and you're that far apart from each other. Because he could bang all sorts of hairy European girls. No offense to hairy European girls, but I'm just saying, you know. Listen, I, I watched this thing one time or listen to it on the radio. One of those call in sex shows. And this guy had a, the way he jerked off was he dry humped the rug. It was causing like chafing on his dick, but it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship for a while and he kept doing that.

And I don't know. So I'm just saying like, I would go easy on those. It's like anything, anything in moderation. Yeah, how, how often is he using this? And how often is she using that? If you use a vibrator too much, you numb yourself up down there. And then when you guys down there, you can't feel anything. It's so disgusting.

Overrated, underrated for the week. Overrated, the Super Bowl. Underrated rounds one and two of the NFL playoffs. Bill, this may be sacrilegious to say in America, but I actually enjoy rounds one and two of the NFL playoffs more than the Super Bowl. That isn't sacrilegious because at no point does Beyonce or Britney Spears sing before and in the halftime show. There's not a bunch of douchebags who don't like football showing up,

feeling like they have to be there, you know, all the broads. Why are you looking at me? Because you go to Super Bowl parties every year and you hate football. Yeah, well, they're fun. They're nice gatherings. Yeah, you talk when the game's on. No, I don't, Bill. You run a yap when the most important game is on. It's disgusting. If you do it again this year, we're breaking up each week.

You get two games both on Saturday and Sunday. There seems to be that we can win this thing. Excitement in the air and I can relax and watch the games in the comfort of my home or at a local bar without dozens of non fans in the room. As is typically the case at a Super Bowl party. Super Bowl, on the other hand, has become so pretentious in recent years. I don't even really want to get worked up for it as much as I used to. The game takes forever.

85% of the commercials suck and we're forced to stare at Madonna's beat up face for 30 minutes during a halftime show. Plus the two week gap in between the Super Bowl and the conference champion really takes the air out of the sales. What are your thoughts? I think this is what you do. You watch the Super Bowl alone and you tape it and you start watching it. You DVR it and you watch. You let you let you give the game a 90 minute head start

and then you just sit down and you watch it by yourself and you plow through the pregame and you just watch the fucking game and when the halftime show comes you fast forward through that and now you're into the third quarter and third quarter and fourth quarter it's going to be regular time football. That's the way to watch the Super Bowl and you watch it by yourself maybe with another buddy of yours who enjoys the game. That's how I would do it.

You know? No thoughts on that? No. But what about the social aspects? Shut up. Are you going to have brownies during the opening? Are you going to have cheese doodles? Oh my God, the way the broads talk during that fucking game and then it's true.

And then everybody shuts up to watch the commercials and then the game comes back under. I thought that one was lame. What did you think? Well, that's definitely the best one so far. How much did that cost? Why don't you stop going to Super Bowl parties then, Bill? Why don't you stop if you don't like the game? I don't do any of that stuff that you're talking about.

Hey, I don't like needlepoint. I don't go to your fucking needlepoint parties. I don't go to needlepoint. What do you do? Arts and crafts? I don't crash your Super Bowl or those things and come there and talk when you're trying to glue the popsicle sticks together and then shut the fuck up when... I don't talk throughout the game.

I go in the other room or I hang out with other people if they're watching it. No, that's not true. Okay, that's the Monday Morning Podcast. Oh, before I get out of here. That's it. That's it. We did a nice long one. There's nothing else? No.

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The banner ad. You click on it. You go to amazon.com. You buy something. They kick me back a little bit of money. I take 10% of that and I throw it to the Wounded Warriors Project. You sponsor this and the Wounded Warriors. See, that's it, everybody. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and...

Yeah, if you ever get with a girl and she spreads her leg with the rip cord there. All right, you're the goat and she's the snake. Get the fuck out of the cage. See you. We'll see you in the next video.