Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-29-24

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

Bill rambles about the NFL Championship games, cold plunges, and an evil sister-in-law. Zip Recruiter:  Try Zip Recruiter for free by going to www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, January 29th, 2020, Foa, as they say down in Bridgewater, Foa. I don't know what's going on with this fucking cold, man. This is just like the cold that comes and goes and it comes back. It's like a fucking quarterback controversy except It's a cold every time you think it's footwork. Okay, we know who we're going with it comes trotting back in again I felt fucking great today. I Got up I was like, you know what looks like a beautiful day You know, I don't have shit to do the games come on later

I was like, I'll go fucking go for a little helicopter ride. So what do I do? I check all the fucking airports. Everybody has winscom. Biggest I saw was fucking nine knots, right? Not dawn knots, nine knots, right? So I get to the fucking airport. I'm listening to the eighties to recording and it's like, you know, air met turbulence, still in effect

and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, what the fuck? What altitude is that at? So people have told me like, listen, helicopters, you fly to lower level, just whatever airport you're fucking going to along the way, just look at all of their METAs. And that's what I did. And I went up and it was fucking great. I had a great time flew all the way out to bracket

Landed on the North pad did a little fucking 360 and I just fucking headed home You know because I had to play with the kids today big weekend Still you know celebrating a birthday here the last couple of weeks and Went to like you know all of these things, you know, all of these things, you know, did all of these events and everything. And it was, it was, it was awesome. And I mean, it just got done braiding my daughter's hair.

So she's ready for the school week. I hadn't done it in a while because I got fucking so busy and now I'm back into, and last week it took me forever. And this today I just fucking blew through it. I was like, all right, I got the muscle memory back. It's funny I find twisting harder than braiding and I realized you just pass it to the other hand. I was trying to fucking you know like those fucking ropes at the gym that I've never had the courage to walk over and do because I don't I

don't know exactly what it is that you're doing. It's like you're shaking out a tablecloth. You know, except you want it to go all over the room. Oh my God, dude. People must think I'm a creep at the gym. I'm just constantly glancing at younger people, but I'm not checking them out like nice tits there. I'm staring at some moustachio dude's package. You know what I mean?

I mean, it's Hollywood. You just gotta fucking roll with it, right? So I am glancing to try to figure out what is that exercise? How do you do it? And what muscle group is that for? I mean, it's just like, you know, the fucking, you do a pushup, you stand up, and then you slap one shoulder with one hand, you slap it with another, then you grab a kettlebell, and you fucking go down with one leg going out, like you fucking walking over to Hitler or something, and then you go back up, and you push it up with your shoulder. It's just like, I don't know what it is.

It's fucking intense, but I just look at all of that. I'm like, even if I knew how to do that, at my age, I shouldn't do that. So I just stick, you know, I do the flies, you know, I go to the dark corner of the room, you know, the gym, where they still have that fucking thing that you put around your belly, that weightlifting belt, and it goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I still do that shit.

I go old school, all right? I'm a fucking elliptical guy. I like the elliptical. You know, there's a lot of people out there that go like, well, you know, he shouldn't do cardio. You wanna build up muscle, cause muscle burns fat and you don't wanna lose your muscle and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's just like, buddy, I'm old. I don't give a fuck, okay? I'm just trying to keep the fucking cunt belly at an acceptable level here, all right? So why don't you relax? So go over there and do your fucking, whatever the fuck it, whatever it is you're doing over there with your weights that come with a handle. Is it easy enough to carry now? You son of a bitch. I'm kidding. I know. I understand. It's fucking goddamn cough. So fucking ironic, I quit smoking and now I get a bad cough.

Thank you, Joe Biden. I'm going to do that all year. Fucking blame Trump for that one. Am I right? Thanks a lot, Ted Kennedy. Anyway, let's just get down to it, dude. Let's talk about these fucking football games. Let's sit down. Let's sit right down and talk about these football games and figure out what the fuck

happened today. I picked both winners. I don't think the 49ers covered sort of the back door cover there in the end. Let's just start with the Kansas City Chiefs. All right, let's start with people's tone. We'll go further back than that. We're going to start with Tony, the hatred that football fans have of Tony Romo, saying all he does is blow Patrick Mahomes. And I want to tell you, Gambler's something, you really need to get past your hatred of Tony Romo and listen to the man if you listened to the man who actually played the game you play to win the game he played the game at a pro level

and he's telling you this guy is the shit and you oh he does you fucking blow him you hate him and you hate the fucking chiefs and one of the chiefs do they win two weeks in a row that's two fucking wins you could have had, but you're too busy hating on fucking Tony Romo. And he's fucking right. I will say what's funny though, is at one point Twinkle Toes there was running with the ball, very dainty, such a masculine sport,

but you know, he's very graceful. The second coming of Bambi, dare I say, right? And he fucking, he like did like this sort of jump, lofted it to the receiver and jumped up. And Tony Rome was like, Oh my God, the greatest fucking day of no idea. This Holy fucking shit. I played this game my whole life. I've never seen anyone. Right. You know, it's hilarious. Brock, Perti did it in the second game. And his throw was actually more difficult. It reminded me of when the Patriots played the Eagles in the second game. It is throw was actually more difficult. It reminded me of when the Patriots played the Eagles

in the Super Bowl and they called that play with a, they Brady handed it or whatever the fuck he did. And then Tom Brady ran out and he didn't catch the ball. And then like fucking two drives later, the Eagles do it except they do it successfully. And Chris Collins was like, I've never seen anything like that. It's like, you just saw it.

It was just incomplete. Anyway, I like Collins Worth and I like Tony Robo. Tony Robo fucking knows everything about the goddamn game. How about that guy fucking jumped offside on first and five? And first he's like, oh no, no, no, no, it goes, wait a minute. Do you think he fucking did that to make it first and five. At first he's like, oh no, no, no, no, it goes, wait a minute, do you think he fucking did that to make it first and 10 just to, so they don't, you know, just reset the fucking down

at first and 10 instead of wasting like maybe two plays and a lot of fucking clock for the next five yards, they only have to go five yards. You know what I'm trying to say, I'm too dumb to say it. Tony said it eloquently. Anyway, I've been betting the chiefs. I've been staying with the chiefs. The chiefs just fucking, they don't look that good during the regular season and everybody gets fucking excited and all this shit. But you know what the chiefs

do? They win in January when it fucking counts. It's what it is. They just turn it on. I love how everybody knows it's going to Kelsey. He's still wide open. I don't understand these fucking zone coverages or fucking rushing a guy from the side. Then you wherever the pressure is coming from you fucking throw it over there and this fucking Travis Kelsey. You know, sitting on a stool waving. Hi Patrick. Are they just fucking completed? fucking complete it. I don't know, the Ravens, you know, they made too many mistakes and they did. I will say that taunting penalty is was, you know, was definitely taunting, but like Kelsey fucking screams

at people after a two yard game. That's right, motherfucker, whatever the fuck he's yelling. He's yelling the whole time. I think what it is is you can't stand over somebody. I have to think when they first came up with the no taunting rule, it was, uh, you know, I think the working title was, uh, the black eye rule, you know, because they were just standing over too many white guys going, you can't fucking play with me. The majority of their audience is white. So they're like, well, we don't want, you know, racist by jerseys too.

We can't have these black guys dominating these white guys. They can score a touchdown, but they can't wag their finger in his white face saying, you know, you couldn't cover my mother, whatever the fuck they say. I don't know what the fuck they say, right? I mean, I didn't think it was bad. I don't mind what Kelsey does. I don't know what the fuck they say right I mean I didn't think it was bad I don't I lie I don't mind what Kelsey does I don't understand it you know what I mean screaming the whole fucking game and if

you want to understand my whole fucking attitude on this shit just go back and watch some old football games you watch guys score touchdowns and they turn around they hand the ball to the ref and that's it these fucking guys are going out they're getting six yards and then stomping around and fucking imitating like they're eating fucking soup. But you know what it is, they're trying to get on fucking, I don't know what it is, the TV or whatever. So, yeah, I just think at the end of the day

the chiefs of the chiefs and the Ravens, I don't know, on paper, the Ravens look better. What about fucking Dr. Ferney Pacheco, that Pacheco kid, the fucking Roger Craig reincarnated. What do you want me? You want me in the backfield? You want me to go wide out? You want me to fucking, guy can catch as good as a receiver.

He goes into the fucking line. You think he's tackled? He comes squirting out the other side. He's fucking amazing. So, um, I, uh, I like the Kansas city chiefs to fucking win it all. Um, I just don't see Brock Purdy against Patrick Mahomes. And, uh, I have been less than impressed with both of these 49er wins. They were playing teams that were like less than them and they got down big and they had these comebacks against two inexperienced teams.

They did come back nonetheless. I don't think you go down 24 to fucking seven against Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelsey and all of those fucking guys and you come back. I just don't think you do. I think you do it against Green Bay with, you know, a young quarterback and all. I think you can do that. Hats off to the Lions. I don't think I've ever been so fucking excited

at halftime. I was like, oh my God, for the first time in the history of Detroit, Detroit, the Detroit Lions, the history of their existence, which is I think over 100 years at this point, they're part of the original NFL, it's the 1920s.

They gotta be coming up on, they've never played a game in February and they were 30 minutes away from fucking doing it. So I'm texting Verzi and I'm like, look, this is what they got to do. They're going to come out, 49ers are going to be fucking swinging for the fences. They got to fucking ride this out. Okay. They have to ride this out and then they need to score a touchdown in the third quarter.

Okay. Maybe they give up a touchdown in a field goal to the 49ers, but it will be disheartening if they score because they're trying to come back three scores. And no matter how much they fucking score, if you just get one and then another one in the fourth quarter, you know, and then a fucking, you know, they go for it, you stop and you get the field, but you're out of there. Right. It was looking really good. So what do they do?

The 49 has come out. The Lions weather the fucking storm. They're down three scores. Right. Two touchdowns at a fucking field goal. So they get the field goal, but that's still, it doesn't feel good. The 49ers wanted the touchdown. The fans wanted the touchdown. And then what do the Lions do? They just start marching right down the field again, right down the field again. They get into field goal range, it's fucking fourth and two.

Now, analytic people, explain this to me. Okay? Is it worth, okay, not kicking the field goal, going for it, risking not getting it, and injecting life into that team and that stadium, because that stadium was quiet. That wine and cheese fucking crowd was sitting on their fucking hands. Okay, think about it.

If you kick a field goal right there, okay, not granted, he has to make it. Okay? You kicked a fucking field goal there. They came out, they scored a field goal, you came back, you scored a field goal. Now this is what happens. They score a field goal, they go to commercial. They go to commercial and the fans are sitting there going like, Jesus Christ, they're fucking, they got to stop these fucking guys. There's no point in scoring and everybody's getting down and they're feeling fucking negative

And then they come back and special teams is out there Then they line up they kick off invariably it goes out the back of the fucking end zone and then the special teams have to trot off the field and then finally to trot off the field and then finally the 49ers offense gets up off the fucking bench. Oh, come on, let's score again and hopefully we can get a stop. Instead, you go forward on fourth and two. Immediately the crowd was in the game standing up screaming like, holy fuck, if they blow this, they're dropping a fucking opportunity in our fucking lap. And lo and behold, they don't fucking get it. And I'm gonna tell you this right now,

those 49ers fans did not sit down for the rest of the fucking game. And they go down the field, they score a touchdown, right? What was 24, fucking seven is now all of a sudden 24, fucking 17. And now the Lions on offense who were chilling started playing tight, cause they're like, oh fuck they're coming back.

We can't blow this. The 49ers were desperate. Now they're not. Now they feel like fucking loose. We're getting these fucking guys, the crowd's in the game, the people on the sidelines, they're fucking whipping them up and all of that shit There's no fucking kill shot in the third quarter

There isn't I don't give a fuck how many scores you're up by Now I'm not coming down on Dan Campbell because they all fucking do this all of these fucking guys Do that shit now. I was so psyched that they kicked the field goal before the half. Did you have fucking quiet it was to go up by three scores? And I love how like, well, if they just kick a field goal there, they're still only up by three scores. No, they're up. They're fucking, you got to score fucking three touchdowns at that point. Right. Let me do the math here. That would have been 27 to 10, 17, 24. You still up, you go back up what, three scores?

Is that what the F? You back up three scores, all right? But the crowd would have been fucking quiet. And instead, they threw a fucking powder keg on that fucking stadium and those people went fucking berserk and The Lions couldn't weather that storm and they end up losing the fucking game. You tell me the game was the same after that fucking Going forward on fourth and two I Swear to God, I know a guy who says field goals are for fucking losers and I go really

talk to fucking Adam Vinitieri. They're not for fucking losers. Talk to Paul Brown all the way back then. It fucking matters. Even if it's only fucking three points to keep the crowd out of the game, to keep the other people feeling hopeless, feeling desperate. Instead of making a fucking play like that, it just fucking, my wife told me I had to

calm down when I watched it. When they were doing it, I'm like, why the fuck would you do this? Now I do that a lot and they end up making it, but like, I don't know. Who knows? making it but like I don't know who knows the 49ers might have still come back or whatever but like the comeback began in that moment and it wasn't it wasn't like they picked the ball off or did something it's that you gambled when you didn't need to fucking gamble. It just fucking drives me up. I wanted the Lions to win so fucking bad,

even though, you know, I picked the Niners and I picked the Chiefs. You know, you got a roof for a fucking underdog in that situation coming out like that. It's fucking brutal, fucking brutal. And that Lady Lions fan crying is acceptable unlike that guy for the Buffalo Bills last week like that. I I've had to walk that off He pulled his pom-pom hat down over his eyes at least he showed some shame

Jesus fucking Christ Started blubbering like he just got news that somebody died back home. You lost a fuckin' football game. Jesus Christ. He's not even that old. That's what killed me. He wasn't even that fuckin' old. He wasn't old enough to be there for those fuckin' Super Bowl losses. Did you see the fuckin' YS60 year old fuckin' Bill's fan cryin'? a fucking UCND 60 year old fucking bills fan crying. I don't know. Anyway, I will say this though. Congratulations to the Lions and Dan Campbell. Like what they're building there is fucking amazing. Congratulations to the 49ers. Tough loss for the Ravens. Great season by them. And congratulations to Kansas City Chiefs was fucking amazing And I got to tell you as a Patriots fan with my team sucking right now. I have never enjoyed the playoffs this much in like 20 years

It's just fantastic That you know that underrated your team not even remotely being out of it by November you know You need you to sit down and hope for a good football game. You don't give a fuck I'm not gonna be pulling a pom-pom hat down crying or whoever wins I don't give a feeling give a fuck that the 49 is what I don't give a shit I don't I do like that the both red teams won because all those stupid conspiracy theories. It's fixed Like okay, it's fixed. Why would they try to get themselves caught then?

Like, okay, it's fixed. Why would they try to get themselves caught then? Like that's the bat signal to the football players of who's supposed to win. And they were all ignoring the fact that there's a ridiculous amount of pink in the Super Bowl logo this year. Anyway, it just, you know, the Lions doing what the fuck they did made me not enjoy the four United's coming back. Because it's like they fucking just gave it. This fucking momentum change. That's what I want to ask analytic people. What is the numerical equation for momentum? The psychology of the game. What is what it? What is that? How do you factor that fucking in? to your algorithm, oh

My god, John Madden rolling over in his fucking grave. I Missed that although he did say that with the Patriots when we won our first one I don't agree with this you play for overtime. He was super conservative, but there's got to be a middle ground between John Madden and that fucking shit that I've seen all fucking year. I don't know. What are you going to do? That's just what I mean. It's great to see the 49ers back. I'm not fucking breaking your balls. I like the 49ers. It was cool that Joe Montana was there and all of that shit. But it would have been, you know, just as, you know, my team's not in it. It'd be the holy shit. Now the fucking Detroit line, maybe Detroit Lions for us to Kansas City Chiefs, Travis Kelsey and fucking Andy Reed and all of that shit and all of

these fucking people like, you know, losing their mind that they keep showing Taylor Swift. I don't, I really honestly don't give a fuck that they're showing her. I get it. It's a business. It's a business. So they know this, no matter how much you bitch, you fucking show her one more time. What you're still going to watch.

So am I. We got nothing better to do, okay? But Swifties, probably I would say a lot of them don't watch football, but they might tune in to watch this love story, and then they get more people watching it, they get more views, and they can charge more for fucking next week's game. That's all they're doing, right?

I mean, this is nothing new. They showed that fucking kid there in Toronto, when the Raptors, they showed him more than they showed the fucking Raptors. My fucking voice is cracking like I'm going through puberty here. What is it? Drink. You used to show me on the big screen, you used to, you used to. Remember that shit he fucking, that guy fucking fair with a fan? They got good and all of a sudden he was right fucking there and that super fan, they never showed him again. I didn't hear anybody bitching back then. Oh my God, I was bitching.

I hear when they cut to the fucking celebrities. Nine times out of 10, they're acting like they're fucking coaching or they're staring at their fucking phones. I liked it backward, they would cut to the crowd and there was some guy with a beat up fucking hat like that guy on Chico and the Man and a fucking chewed up cigar.

It's that fucking degenerate, you know, like a brown cardigan sweater that's all fucking moth eatin' at the elbows. Fucking striped shirt, short sleeve button down. Slacks, fucking old ass brown shoes that mashed your fucking sweater. Walk out of the house. You know your depression era wife just looking at you Thinking you know what if I pick somebody else I Mean I know I could have done better than a sixth floor walk-up But he made me laugh um anyway oh shit i gotta hit pause here uh

all right i'll finish this in a minute all right now i'm home alone with the kids so i got in there sleeping i gotta fucking whisper here um here's another thing too what fucking kills me the lions ended up losing by three now i know the 49ers were up by 10 so they played a Um, here's another thing too, what fucking kills me? The Lions ended up losing by three. Now I know the 49ers were up by 10, so they played a different kind of defense. So you can't really say that, but I'm just saying like, you know, even if the 49ers were going to come back, you don't have to fucking help them. Jesus Christ.

You know what I mean? It's like a boxing match. If you can't land a big shot, fucking stick a mint in his face. Give him a jab. Frustrate him. Fuck. Whatever. Whatever. So anyway, 49ers versus the Kansas City Chiefs. And how about this shit? Everybody was talking, you know, Brock Purdy, you know, he fucking did a good job. He, you know, he's never come from behind for a win. Well, now he's done it fucking two weeks in a row. And this was a significant, um, comeback.

I mean, it was a team effort, but that fucking kid, he can play. He makes great throws and all that shit. So, um, this is going to be a great fucking super bowl. Now that I've bitch-moned and complained that they don't play football the way they used to. Excuse me. You know, fucking Patrick Mahomes going for his third, goddamn, is it third?

And then Kansas City will have four rings. They're starting to move up the ranks. That's pretty fucking cool. Or did the 49ers get their sixth and catch up to the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots? I mean, there's a lot on the fucking line here. It's going to be amazing. Two weeks of fucking shit though. Two weeks of fucking shit though. Two weeks of fucking trash talk. Who knows? Anyway, let me do some, let's see if I got any reads here this week.

I mean, any reads lately. And he reads, oh fuck, are they not gonna open because I have this in fucking airplane mode? I tell you, if it's not one thing, it's another. Jesus Christ, my kids are up. All right, I'll do the rest of this tomorrow. All right, I'm back. Hey, you know what? You know what I forgot to mention is that I saw that movie American Fiction a couple of days ago and I got to give a shout out. Jeffrey Wright crushed it.

Sterling K. Brown, Erica Alexander, Issa Rae, Tracy Ellis Ross, Adam Brody crushed it. And Leslie, I hope I say her last name right, Uggums. Just a hilarious movie, smart movie. You know, making fun of, I don't know, Hollywood, liberal racism and all of that while being totally grounded, realistic and like a relatable family. And I absolutely love the movie, you know. And I'm just psyched that they still make movies like that because this fucking business has changed so much,

you know, so much of it, you know, all that superhero shit and $100 million movies and these fucking blue people running around and stuff. All right, evidently I'm gonna do this podcast fucking two minutes at a time here. Yeah, it's a fucking great movie all right if you want to see a smart movie that doesn't pander to you that is just like this movie American fiction one of my favorite things about it was how relatable

they made the family and it was done in such a subtle way. They didn't lead you around by your nose They just presented the family and I'm watching this family relating to so much of the shit And it's taking place in Boston. I'm like dude, what the fuck? this is like Hitting on so many things and the performances were just We're just next level. So I Don't know every year I do this like when they when they nominate the Oscars like I really try

To get involved because my wife loves watching them and shit and I really do enjoy movies and everything But I just can't get into And I really do enjoy movies and everything, but I just can't get into award shows. They're just really long and then just people say so much cringe-worthy shit. You know, this is for all the construction workers, they're the real heroes, and to be able to tell this story, it's like, oh my God, get off the fucking stage. I have to, one of the greatest acting job is the people that go there when somebody is doing that and they just sit there smiling. You know, there always has to be something said about women. You know what I mean?

I don't know. I don't get them. It's like every study says they're smarter and everything, but for some reason they, you know, you can't fucking figure out all of these idiot guys out here that are making movies about fast and furious cars and blue people. Jesus Christ, just go make a fucking movie. Quit your whining about it. That's, you know, oh, it's hard. It's hard for everybody. None of this shit's easy. It is hard. Well, it's so much harder for me.

How the fuck would you know you've never been me? And fuck you. Alpha, I see your vagina and I will raise you a bald orange face. What do you think about that? I still figured out a way to get in. Fucking babies. Um, yeah, I don't out a way to get in. Fucking babies. Yeah, I don't want to listen to that shit. People fucking talking about it like they just landed in fucking

Normandy and fought off the Germans, right? You made a movie. Relax. Takes away from my enjoyment of the movies a lot of the times. These fucking stupid goddamn speeches. I do love when fat guys and tuxedos, the guys in the background, hug each other and they have like that weird hetero hug. You know, you want to hug somebody but you don't want to be gay about it, so you got to kind of tense up and And then let go. I just, you know, I just wish the front part of their shirt would flip up like in Bugs Bunny. That happened more often. You know what I mean? Or maybe if they cut to Taylor Swift. Maybe I would watch it. I don't know.

You know what I mean? Or maybe if they cut to Taylor Swift, maybe I would watch it. I don't know Anyway, so I have seen I think I've seen I've seen two movies that were nominated for best picture and you're not gonna miss on either one of these zone of interest and American fiction so They've done a great job. I think, so far as, you know, picking two fucking killer movies. I'll say that. What do I know?

I don't even know why you go fucking don't kick a field, go in the third quarter. What do I know about movies? What do they know? What was that from? What do they know? It was like a no smoking fucking thing. All right, anyway, I got something to promote here. The Patrisso Neil, the 11th annual Patrisso Neil comedy

benefit is Tuesday, March 26 at the New York City Center. Michael Che, Tim Dillon, Marcelo Hernandez, Bonnie McFarlane, Sean Patton, Robert Powell, the third, Cipher Sounds, Rich Voss, the voice of Gaza on Instagram, and myself, and we have a very special guest. It's fucking Murderer's Row, and I'm gonna trash Rich Voss for all of his political fucking rants. You know what I mean? It's just like,

you just read, you just read the man, you just like, what are you doing? I've just been teasing him the whole time. Just going rich. Don't you think somebody smarter should be handling this? The fuck did he call me? Oh man, he had so... I think he fucking gave me the best insult. It was so funny. I told Nia and she was dying laughing. I know he called me a scallop. Oh no. Sorry, it was one of my favorite ones ever. He goes, let me tell you something, you fucking scallop. He didn't have to finish. Once he got the scallop, he didn't need to make any more points.

I was fucking dying. I love Rich and Rich has hosted it 11 years and the unbelievable Maureen Tarran is the one who puts this together every single year. We all know Maureen and loved her for the longest time. Way back in the day when I first came, moved to New York in 1995, she's been like just great to comedians and she knows stand up like nobody else

and she's the one that books this fucking thing. She always comes in and she goes, what about this person? What about that person? And I'm always like, yeah, yeah, that's great. That's great. Then she'll pick somebody that I haven't maybe not seen yet. And oh, you gotta watch this person.

Then I watch them and then I love them and then they bring them down. It's just fucking awesome. So New York City Center March 26th. It's been such a great benefit. Keeping Patrice's name alive and helping out his mother. All right. Zip recruiter, everybody.

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This movie was to give the voice to small business owners. Put your tits away. All right, MMP content for 129. This podcast might be a little slow because I'm fucking daddy daycare here at night here. Little slow, no, I'm sorry, it might be a little short. Also because I have this fucking relentless goddamn cold. All right, cold plunge.

Bill, heard you ragging on the cold plunge. I totally understand why it's annoying anytime a trend first hits, cause all you hear is people talk about it, kinda like pickleball, but I gotta tell you that it's changed my life. No, what I can't fucking stand is people use it to show like how tough they are.

I've done those fucking cold plunges. The first time you get in it, you're like, what the fuck, and you make crazy noises. After a week of doing it, you can just slip in, take a deep breath, and you're fine. And that's when people film themselves. And then it becomes like, like ridiculous levels of ice. And it just becomes, it's not about healing. It becomes like this fucking self-congratulatory thing. You're just showing off. It was like the Ice Bucket Challenge.

I can't even remember what the fuck that was supposed to be helping. Okay? The Ice Bucket Challenge. It starts off as this silly thing. You dump a bucket of ice over your fucking head. And then next thing you know, chicks are going out there, no bra on acting like,

well, it's fucking doing. And all they're doing is just trying to show how fucking hot they are. And now with this stupid fucking ice bath shit, just take your fucking ice bath. Stop fucking sending me shit about it. Fucking posting it on Instagram. You can't take a fucking ice bath without filming it and posting it on fucking Instagram.

Anyways, the person says, I do it twice a week and I've had improvements in blood pressure, sleep, resting heart rate, and overall soreness. I'm 49 and feel better than I have for the last 10 years. Well, listen, can I tell you something, sir? If that's just what people said, see how you just did that and you convinced me that it's a good thing

and at no point did you have to get into like a fucking bucket of ice and stare at me like you're some poor excuse from Mike Singletary. Um, yeah, all that dumb guy's shit. Dude, I'm a fucking savage. I asked for extra ice. Whoa, who's a tough guy? Look how fucking fat the tires are on my fucking vehicle. All of that shit. It's just fucking meathead shit. But what you said makes sense. As I know, when I was going through my little depression there, it's not really a little depression. It's this overall fucking depression that I've just been running from my whole fucking life.

Someone was saying that he gets into like, he has a pool with a little hot tub and it's the fucking winter out here. So it's like fucking 60 55 degrees whatever the fucking is And he said getting it and has helped his depression. So There you go. Whatever. I don't know I was just making fun of people like Doing that dumb shit There's always some stupid fucking trend doing that dumb shit. There's always some stupid fucking trend

and then everybody has to do that shit, you know? That happens even like with like music videos, like drummers and shit. Like there's certain people that just play, they show you stuff and then there's other people that just get out there and they're just fucking like, you know, they're amazing, technically amazing, but they're just, the whole fucking, it's like, all right, that's amazing. You just hit everything that you own 50,000 times at two hundred BPMs.

And it doesn't sound good. If you brought that back so much of that shit that everybody plays it like fucking nine zillion miles an hour, it's like like if you just slowed it down a little bit it actually sounds way better way better it grooves you can fucking you know bob you head to it that's all that shit sounds like to me. That's all it fucking sounds like to me. It just sounds like you grabbed your drum kit and you just fucking have fallen down the fucking stairs with it. And I'm a drum nerd. I'm a drum nerd. All right. Season two long pro sports reorg. Whatever that means. Oh, I like this. I like an anti-fucking sports opinion

on my Meathead fucking podcast here. Hello, banana seat Billy. I used to have a banana seat bike. That was a big fucking deal to have a banana seat. You know, fucking streamers hanging off the side and then they had that little plastic thing that sounded like a motorcycle. Right, right, right. The big kids came over they stuck a firecracker in it. That was the end of that shit. Hello Billy Banana Seat. I'm

trying to finish this email in between writing report cards so I'll try to be brief. Yes, even teachers procrastinate. Well thank you for being a teacher. You're the real hero and the reason why this short film was made because I needed to give them a voice Recently an MLB player named Anthony Rendon Said the baseball season was too long It's fucking amazing. I Fucking love that guy just for saying that Yes, too fucking long.

What are we doing out here? Does it really take 162 games to figure this shit out? Especially with some teams like 40 something games out, they should be like, all right, just go home. Go home and fucking think about what you didn't do and what you need to do next year. Anyway, it's not well received by baseball purists, but I think players and fans would benefit greatly

from shortened seasons. Yeah, baseball purists mean those fat fucks who don't even play. Anyway, of course, the leagues would never go for this because there's so much money to be made in professional sports, but still I can dream. I like the direction of this. He goes, for me, But still I can dream. I like the direction of this. He goes, for me, the MLB regular season could be better if it ran from April to the end of August. I mean, I'm not glad that just was that, I don't know what just happened in my chest, but it was excitement.

It was like when the Lions didn't make that fourth down and the fucking offense is like, oh shit anyway end of August with playoffs running throughout September yeah I'd fucking wrap it up first week is September and then it doesn't overlap with football and I would go back to 16 games and the person said in the Series, ending during the first week in October. I mean, that's kind of how it was back in the day. Right before I started watching baseball, you know back in the day,

if winning the pennant was, you just had the best record in the American League and that was it, and then you went right to the World Series. So that's my only knock against like the Yankees winning all of those titles. I mean they were a fucking amazing team but like you had to win the regular season and then after that you just had to win four games and you were the World Series champion. So kind of makes sense that somebody

would be going on a run. But having said that they had fucking Ruth Garrick, then DiMaggio and Mantle, and they were an amazing organization. But like, no one's ever gonna match that because it's just like, I mean, what is it now? It's like fucking three rounds. There's the do or die game, and then there's the next fucking round, then the next round, then the pennant, and then I I have lost count and it's all just done for fucking money but it

also prevents I feel dynasties. I mean they play into fucking November now. So this person says for me the MLB regular season could be better if it ran from April to the end of August with playoffs through September the World Series ending the first week in October. The NFL regular season from September to November with the playoffs throughout December and the Super Bowl on the first Sunday in January. I mean, this is kind of how it used to be. They would play to the end of like December. They would be like playoffs, but like the Super Bowl was decided on like the 12th. The NHL from October to March, with the playoffs at the Stanley Cup in April.

There's a great book called, Tropic of Hockey by a Canadian musician slash writer that opens with the author, sitting in his living room in June, watching the Stanley Cup as his living room in june watching the stanley cup as his wife passes by the tv asking him the score or who's playing but he has no idea you know i will say out of all of the sports hockey is like the craziest like how late they play into june and then they start up in mid september there's like no fucking off season

they play into June and then they start up in mid-September. There's like no fucking off season. Excuse me. I apologize guys. I'm fucking coughing all over the place. Jesus. All right. What did he say? I feel like this is all the evidence we need to accept that Pro Hockey should be over before the summer starts. Yeah, do you know like that classic gold Bobby Ores score that was on Mother's Day in May? Finally, Pro Hoop could run from Christmas Day to May with the playoffs and the NBA Finals in June. This is interesting, because you're kind of giving each person a little bit of a lane June. This is interesting,

because you're kind of giving each person a little bit of a lane here. I love sports, but it's too much. I'm an 80s kid, so I miss the time when TSN, Canadian ESPN, would show 30 minute highlights from the night before, and then broadcast random shit all day like log throwing. Oh, it's fantastic arm wrestling.

How about Australian Rules Football? They used to have that, it's fantastic arm wrestling. Um, how about Australian rules? Football? They used to have that was fucking great or wild world is sports or some European version of that. I missed the feeling of being bored and watching pre-taped NFL skills competitions from Hawaii on a Sunday afternoon. Honestly, I think the boredom helped our creativity. Let's give pro sports some breathing room again.

Um, yeah, I agree with that. Let's give pro sports some breathing room again. Yeah, I agree with that. But I also know that once they add more games, they're never gonna have less games. It's kind of like once they add a tax, they never take the tax away. Anytime they say it's a temporary tax, it always becomes a permanent tax. Just ask anybody drove over the Mystic Tobin fucking rib.

That was an attack,, it was a toll. We're just gonna have a toll on the bridge until we pay off the bridge. Fucking bridge has been there for like 60 years. All right, evil sister in law, Nia, come here. Somebody's, what are you, was it spilling the tea? Is that what you guys say on the fucking Real Housewives over there?

Just read the question. All right. The level. What happened? Did somebody fucking burn your biscuits tonight? I just never need to hear you say spill the tea. I was making fun of that. Oh, were you? Thank you for clearing that up.

No, make it fun of me saying that stupid shit. I always say that as the kids say. You shouldn't be saying spill the tea. I shouldn't? No, that's young people. I feel like that's you like, you can be 34 to 27, you should be saying that. Evil sister-in-law, dear Bill, the bequeffer of knowledge. I have to look up bequeffer.

Bequefer. Bequefer, like pussy fart? I don't know. Bequeef, bequefer? Oh,ath, bequeath, bequeathor? Oh, I get it. Instead of bequeathor of knowledge, she's saying bequeathor. So she's combining both.

She made a joke and I'm too stupid to get it. My family and I, very well written, have run into a rather... You take much of impressive, huh? Jesus. Jesus. You're coming in hot here. My family and I, ooh, it's written so well.

My family and I, it's usually like me and my family are fucking shitin' around, right? All of a sudden my stupid fuckin' sister-in-law who's a cunt with a K, but it's just my family and I have run into a rather frustrating situation with my brother's wife and I need some advice. Cue the song, it's time for advice. With your host Billy Burr and I'm ripping off this melody

from somebody else. I said the recording of it on my computer. She is very emotional, she's a very emotionally damaged person and treats my brother very poorly. Why are you laughing at that? There's just something funny about a guy who just lets a woman fucking browbeat him. You know, all you got to do is just look at him be like, you know, I could beat the shit out of you, right?

The fuck out of my face with your fucking. Witch Hazel horse shit. Shut up. Don't make me. OK, it's 2024. I will turn this bitch into 1924. You're not going to do shit. I just said I was going gonna do it to you. No! That's right, you know better than that. So to do what?

Hit a woman? Talk to me like that. I would never do that. No matter how much of a jerk you were being, I would never do that. For example, shop, shop. For example, she regularly demeans him

with criticism in front of our family. Oh my God. And explicitly explains to us how she doesn't let him use their bathroom sink to brush his teeth because she needs her personal space. Parentheses typical, entitled white girl shit. Oh, we're going to put racing on that. I think that's just typical psycho shit. It's killing me to see what my brother wait, wait, your brother's not white and he married some

crazy white woman. She said he can't use the same way. What did you get that? I am I crazy? He's talking he's calling out the white girl shit, but doesn't mean that they're not white. Typical entitled white girl shit. White people don't say that. You do? When do I say that? Oh God, all right. I don't say typically entitled white girl shit. I made fun of white women fucking action

like they're the next group that needed to be listened to. Yes, you have. Yeah, all this woman I would just call my brother-in-law's cunt-y wife. Okay, well not everyone is as eloquent as you are, Bill. It's killing me. First question. What the fuck is up your ass?

All right. It's killing me to see what my brother has to deal with on a day-to-day basis. It is kind of funny, though. It is. I'm trashing. That's great. It's fucking hilarious.

The only reason why they got married in the first place is because my family is Mormon. Oh, those black Mormons. Yeah, I was gonna say, do you need any more evidence that this is not a black writer? All right, in the Mormon Church, premarital sex is a grievous sin. Yeah, that's why you banger in the ass out there.

I've done gigs in Utah. Still a virgin. What is that, man? Did you banger in the ass out there. I've been I've done gigs in Utah still a virgin Did you participate in this no? people told me No There's no fucking way. I'm fucking some chick in the ass in a state that is of a religion. I don't understand That I've never really heard of that's only in that state I'm not doing that I've never really heard of that's only in that state. I'm not doing that.

I've seen arrested abroad. Abroad. Rested abroad, I ain't doing that shit. You talk, it's basically another country. No. Anyways, it's killing me to see my brother has to deal with. Really? In the Mormon church, why are they reset?

In the Mormon church, premarital sex is a grievous sin. You have to confess to your sin, to a whole council of old dudes like a court. What do you mean you sucked a dick? Let's get into the detail. Sitting there in a barn, depending on your level in the church story for another time. My brother was super horny and he

made a big mistake in marrying this girl. Even my deeply religious parents agree that he would be better off just hitting and quitting lol hitting and quitting. Now this, does she tell me this is a white person? Yes Bill, that's a hitting and quitting in 2024. That's some classic jive talk if I ever heard it. With him still being Mormon, divorce is also a big no-no. What can I do? Is there any way to help my bro? Easy.

You have one of those barn-fucking-raising things that you guys do out there. Barn-raising? What are they? They all get together and they build a barn. And what is that supposed to do? So you just do a Buster Keaton thing except the door doesn't go over or the actual barn does and you kill them. You kill her. What are you talking about? I'm talking about fucking you just go, hey,

we need to fucking build a barn because the harvest is coming in. You talking about setting it up so something falls on her? Yeah. Don't give that advice to people. First of all, what I'm talking about is what the Amish does. The Amish do that shit. I don't know. The Amish, they have hipster beards and they have a big red triangle on the back of their fucking carriage. They use electricity and they like hate normal people.

Yes. And then you go on Instagram. They despise them. They're like, they never get sick. They don't ever die. That's why their beards are so long. Do I have any advice? Yes, leave that religion. No, he's talking about what can he do for his brother. There's nothing you can do. Your brother decided today. It's a she. Isn't

it a she? He just said my brother. It's killing me to see if my brother has to deal with. I know, but isn't... Do you think this is a woman who's riding it? I don't think so. I thought it was. I don't fucking know. I don't think i just know it's not getting over i think you just be there for your brother when your brother complains about does your brother for better that's the other question like is your brother unhappy or is your brother okay with it because if your brothers okay with it then you just have to deal with it

but if he is suffering then definitely i feel like london ear listen be supportive whatever you want to do I'll support you. And just but don't like, don't give advice, just let him vent, you know. Right? What do you think? Well, isn't there, can't you go in front of those old people and say in a nice way I'm having a really difficult time?

It's not how it works. They'll be like, wait a minute, don't be like, take another wife. But I thought women, oh, that's what you,. You take another wife and you fucking treat her extra nice. Why are you so nice to her? Well, cause she lets me use her sink. Yeah, like that's the thing. Like you just take one is too annoying. You just get another one.

You don't divorce them. You're just like, all right, you know what? Some people do that with cars. You just leave her in the front yard like that car. Are you gonna fix up someday? I'm gonna trim this. Yeah, people don't know what you're talking about. She's picking a fucking.

No, I'm sorry. His eyebrow hair. My eyebrow hair. There's one super long eyebrow. All right, can you just fucking leave? You know, I think a lot of things are bothering you. What, are we done? Oh.

Yeah, we're almost done. No, no, I wanna hear the next one. Wait, what's your advice? I was being so nice to you today. You came in like, did the foods stink? No, I had the best dinner. Oh my God, it was so good. No, so you just disappointed to see me.

Yeah, I thought you were gonna be gone. So fucking mean. All right, overrated food delivery. I'm not talking pizza and wings or Mexican. I'm talking about restaurants that throw their overpriced food in a container, which sogs it up and then haven't, it's sit there for 30 minutes while the driver makes a stop along the way, only to have it show up cold 80 bucks for two people, including tip fees, et cetera.

By the way, I never do this. Okay. I was gonna say, why would you do that? I've done it a handful of times. I never do this. I've done it a handful of times. I never do this. I've done it a handful of times. That's fucking amazing. Somebody got burned by Uber Eats recently.

No, but that was an amazing turn. By the way, I never do this. I've done it a handful of times. If my wife wants something different. Oh, if my wife wants something different and I can't bring myself to pick it up. These fucking young people, I just can't get off the couch. Jesus Christ.

Back in the day, he had a shoe of horse before he went down to Starbucks. The whole system needs an overhaul. If you haven't guessed it, I live in Los Angeles. I've never experienced this in Chicago and New York as well. Well, New York's a small town, and you can only order like within your fucking 10 block radius, right?

I've experienced this in Chicago and New York as well. Milwaukee and San Diego do it a bit better. Okay, can I get people a hack for food delivery? Cause I understand your frustration. Oh, you're just all up on the lingo. But I just feel like. Spilling the tea with a hack. Keep on truckin'.

Do not deliver, get delivery from a place that's across town from you. Okay? Like, keep it at like a two to three mile radius. Maybe five. But like, I think- That's smart. If you start going way, way, I really love that place but they're way across town, we could get delivery.

Like, it's just not gonna taste the same. It's not. So stay local, maybe a little bit outside of local and you'll be happier. And then when you go to those parts of town, go to those places in real life. That's literally the only thing that has been said that made any sense on this podcast. All right, go fuck yourselves, enjoy the Super Bowl. you