Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-17

Episode Date: January 4, 2017

Bill rambles the Rose Bowl, having hope and one thing leading to another.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 3rd, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, Jesus. What to talk about first? No, I am not a father. That's not why this is fucking late, all right? I just lost all my female listeners. I was at the Rose Bowl yesterday. That's why I did not record, okay? I watched a bunch of college football this weekend. I watched a bunch of college football. I got into this huge debate with Jason Lawhead before the Ohio State game going. Dude, I still don't get how the fuck you guys are in the playoff and Penn State isn't, you know? You guys lost to Penn State head to head and Penn State won your conference championship. That would be like if the Yankees won the American League East and the Red Sox won the wild card,

and then the Red Sox got to compete in the playoffs to possibly win a World Series and then the Yankees didn't. That makes no fucking sense whatsoever. And he starts going, well, I'll tell you right now, we had three of the most impressive road wins of any team, but blah, blah, just all of this shit. And I just kept going, you bleed scarlet and gray. If this was happening to your team, you would say it was bullshit. And he said, no, I wouldn't. I'd be asking why Washington, the Washington Huskies were in it. Like he would have no problem with the team that his team beat and won the fucking game. Give me a fucking break, right? And then what happens? What happens? Ohio State goes out and plays Clemson, and they go out and proceed to get their asses by a bunch of goddamn nerds, nerds, 31 to nothing. Clemson just fucking completely dominated them.

And in the end, liehead sends me this fucking text. He said, I can see blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I just sent him a picture of Joe Paterno shrugging and said, I didn't see nothing. Maybe that's what part of it is. Maybe that's why they still don't want Penn State to be in there. You know, because at the end of the fucking day, the end of the day, this guy kind of fucking, you know, there's a lot of shit going on in the shower there. And the guy, he fucking didn't say nothing. It was so weird about being at the game because I was rooting for Penn State yesterday at the amazing, amazing fucking game by both teams, the quarterbacks, they both set like tied or set a million fucking records, the highest scoring Rose Bowl in history. At one point, both quarterbacks had four touchdown passes,

which I don't think I think that tied a record or I can't remember. And then one, the redheaded kid there through his fifth, I think he was ran and I was fucking sitting way up there. He threw his fifth touchdown. So final score was, was it 52 to 49? The over under was 53 and a half. So Penn State scored 28 points in the third quarter. It was just a fucking amazing game. And two things bugged me when I watched when I was there, though, of course, there's always something that bugs me. Okay, number one, the fucking at one point they were showing all like the coaches or one of the Rose Bowl, whatever. And Joe Paterno goes up there and this is, he gets a bigger ovation than anybody else, bigger ovation than anybody else. How important are sports? How important is fucking winning a fucking game to these Penn State people?

Evidently, that's more important than if you look the other way is some poor kid in a fucking shop. It's just fucking, it's, it's unspeakable. All right, I just fucking, I'm stepping away from that fucking program. I've always liked them. You know, I was still kind of rooting for him. I was like, well, you know, these kids here in the field, they didn't fucking do it. These other people are they're innocent of all of it. And then they show, you know, they show the furor up on the fucking. I was just like, all right, fuck these people. Right. But then USC and their fans, you know, USC fans of the classic, you know, all day Yolo douches, you know what I mean? It's just so fucking hard to root for despite the fact, you know, OJ Marcus Allen, OJ pre murders.

Like if they put OJ up on the screen, you know, I wouldn't have fucking, well, probably I would have just to be a cunt. All right, I'm a Penn State fan again. I don't know what the fuck, I don't know what, what are you doing that situation? Anyways, so Penn State USC, it looks looking like they're going to win the game. Okay. And then Penn State comes roaring back in the third quarter, which by the way, took like an hour in like 10 minutes. It was the longest quarter of my life. The TV timeouts were fucking ridiculous in that game. I actually said to my buddy, I was just like, dude, you know what, this is the most boring, exciting game I've ever been to in my life. It was like, it was like if you were watching Goodfellas and every fucking three seconds, somebody just hit pause on it for two minutes. That felt like 10 minutes fucking referee standing around. They fucking reviewed everything.

Everything but the fucking coin toss they reviewed that game was like four hours, well over four hours long. So anyways, Penn State comes roaring back fucking USC fans, few of them left, most of them stayed. And anyways, long story short, they end up coming, you know, they were down by like, I can't remember, it was like 2714. The next thing was 3527. Then I think it was 3535 was 3527 Penn State, then 3535, then 42, whatever, 35, then 4935. And that's right, then Penn State, I mean, USC came back and scored two touchdowns, right? And when they tied it, the fucking US USC players, just the way they act their program is the fucking worst. That's the type of program I can't stand.

Like, do you remember the first game of the year when they played Alabama? And when they were coming out of the tunnel, there's a bunch of them acting like they were these crazed dogs at the end of leashes. And they were lunging forward, but somebody's pulling them back. Oh, you guys, oh, you wait to see what the fuck's going to happen here. And then they go out there and proceed to get their asses whacked by a bunch of goddamn red nicks. Red fucking Alabama kicked the shit. It was like 52 to go fuck yourself, whatever the final scores. And then after all that fucking shit, then they just go, hey, good game, good game.

They just scurry off the fucking field, right? And then yesterday you see when they win, right? They win. Like first of all, when they, they, they tied the game up, you know, and I would say on some tiki-tack fucking pass interference calls, but like USC was getting fucking screwed earlier. They had a couple of bullshit. It was just sort of, ah, we fucked you guys twice and then we'll, we'll, we'll fuck the other guys twice. Okay.

We'll balance it out here somehow. A couple of pass interference things. So when they scored the touchdown to tie it up with like a fucking minute left or something, dude, all the scoring that Penn State did, I mean, they jumped up and down. That was it. Dude, fucking USC, the guy, they scored in one end zone. This guy with no helmet on runs down the sideline to the entire other end zone. Like doing that 300 yell, like he fucking scored.

Even then I would have been like, dude, relax. It's a fucking tie game. All jumping up and down, all up on the benches with their fucking jerseys, spinning them around over their fucking heads. And it's a tie fucking game. And then in the end, right? By the way, Penn State totally played fucking Marty Schottenheimer ball, Marty ball. I swear to God, like every time they had a first down towards the end, they just, the first play was run it right up the middle, right near center's fucking ass for no good, no yards. Well, we're, we're, we're burning out there.

We're, you know, we're taking time off the clock. They were doing that shit. I said, I'm actually start, I'm convinced that the prevent defense, by the way, is actually a, it's a scam. That was come up with by the heads of the leagues that is executed by the coaches to make sure every fucking as many games as humanly possible can come down to the wire. So people will continue to watch that fucking thing. Once again, did not work. I can't even begin to tell you, they just, you're just going to give them the first fucking 80 yards, then you're going to play defense and hope that you hold them to a field goal. That's a philosophy.

And they will just, we'll take away the sidelines, give them the middle of the field. Everybody knows how it fucking works. And all it does is ensure that on the final fucking three, four plays, the other team now has a chance to win. You've been playing defense. You've been shutting them down. You've been throwing the fucking ball. You've been kicking their ass. And then all of a sudden, hand up off the middle every fucking time.

I don't know, drove me up the fucking wall. So then you, when USC finally wins it, right after letting up 49 fucking points and then they score 52, the second they win it, the entire team runs down the field, not towards the field kick goal kicker to celebrate who, by the way, was doing that stupid dap thing. The entire fucking thing trying to get like a sneaker deal. Like what kind of kicker gets a sneaker deal? They got like half a deal. They just get it for their kicking foot. Then the other thing, they give them like a fucking sandal.

So they don't even go out and celebrate with the fucking kid who kicked the field goal. They just run right down at Penn State's band and the whole fan section and just screamed all in their faces. And what's fucking hilarious is that game obviously could have gone either way. And if they didn't win, they would have been like, Oh, hey, good game. Good game. Good game. Penn State wouldn't have done that. It was just a completely classless fucking move, but that's how they are.

You know, that's, it's one of those schools where it's like, well, the coach just doesn't take any responsibility. And it's just like, well, the kids are this, it's very emotional team. And they like to express themselves. Yeah. Yeah. When they win, when they win, when they don't, they fucking scamper off the field. It's like that Richard Sherman guy, whenever the Seattle wins, you mad, you mad, bro. You mad.

Right. And then all of a sudden he loses and he tries to be Mr. He tries to be the mayor. Hey, good game, Tom Brady. Good game. Everybody's like that showed class. No, it didn't. Anybody can be classy when you fucking lose.

You can't talk shit. You're lost. The class act is when you win and you're not a cunt about it. But anyways, having said that, it was a fucking amazing, amazing game. Great comeback by USC and as much as it came down to the wire and there was all those points scored. I have to be honest with you. I, if I could have fast forwarded through the last 45 minutes of the fucking, that's how long the fucking game was. And how long these fucking TV timeouts were.

I can't imagine how much fucking money they made. Game started at 1.15. It wasn't over until like, I want to say like 545, 540. It was just way too far. It was over four hours long. It was like a fucking baseball game. It's like, this is what happened in the national pastime. Bill, you know what was, what was as long as you bitching about the fucking game?

Anyways, so we went to the tailgate and I brought that. That flat top grill that I got, the campfire one. This is not a paid advertisement. Dude, fucking thing was unbelievable. It was on fucking believable. Lawhead was, lawhead didn't want to go to the game. He was having so much fun. He cooked so much shit.

I mean, we had so much fucking food. We had too much food. And that's why I felt like I got hit by a truck was I ate so fucking much. And we made these hash browns. He made this crazy egg sandwich. Then we had chicken wings. Then we had fucking steak and cheese. And we still had burgers and dogs that we're going to try to do at the end of the game.

But I was just too fucking full. But lawhead was fucking hilarious, man. He was so excited to cook, right? I'm back in the truck and he's outside of it. And this guy goes walking by, you know, when they sell those ticket holders, I always get one, right? And he goes, hey, take it all. I go, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me get four. So these guys sort of walking up to the truck.

And I'm not doing a good job backing it in because the grill's blocking my view. I'm trying to look around. I don't want to fuck this thing up. And so I had to do, you know, make a couple of attempts. And rather than blaming it on me, Jay starts yelling at the ticket guy, because hey, buddy, can you get out of, can you get out of the way? Let's get fucking parking. And then I just hear the guy going, hey, bro, you got to relax. And Jay just starts fucking John at him like he's fucking arguing with a call.

And I just yelled out. I said, Jay, when you shut the fuck up, I go do it. I'm sorry. Sorry about that guy. You know, he's, he's a little wound up, right? So we had fucking buy the ticket holder things. The guy leaves and then Jay's setting up his fucking, his little canopy thing. And he's just fucking, he's just locked in, you know, Jay's a fucking athlete.

So he just fucking gets easy. He's got that focus, right? And as he's setting the thing up like these four people, we've barely even established our space. Or just passing through. And then Jay immediately is like, Hey, I want you to just walk through the whole area. Just walk through the whole area. Like freaking the fuck out. I said to him later, I said, Jesus Christ, Jay, I go, you fucking dropped the gloves before

the game even started. What the fuck was with you? And he's like, no, not a guy. They guys walking right into your tire. He's walking into your tire. People come to the whole fucking camp. And I just started laughing. I was like, Jay, you're excited to cook.

Excited to cook. You got a little excited. Then he finally just fucking just relax and goes, all right, I got excited. I don't know. We, I don't know. We just, we had a great fucking time. And I don't know. I still nodded off a little bit in the first quarter.

You know, I can't get to sleep after all these years of doing standup till like fucking 12 midnight and get up, you know, four hours later. I'm an old, I really felt my age this year, man. Speaking of which, there was someone at the tailgate. I'm not going to say who, who was fucking slumped over the truck because they had to go to the bathroom and couldn't. So we're like, dude, we got to take you to the hospital. We got to take you to the hospital.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Fucking ends up coming back like 20 minutes later. Dude, I feel great because I think, I think he passed a fucking kidney stone or something. I don't know what the fuck it was. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah.

So we almost had a fatality. Wyatt almost got a game misconduct. Oh, that was the bullshit one on USC that fucking targeting was that was that that was a guy jumps in the air. He's aiming for his chest and somebody else hits him. Then all of a sudden the guy gets knocked down where is his chest. His head is now where his chest was and the guy was already in the air. Right.

Does anybody give a fuck? All right. I will plow. I will plow ahead here. I also watched the UFC. I know this is like an old story at this point, but you know, everybody like everybody else, I watched the Amanda Nunez and the Ronda Rousey, Rowdy Ronda Rousey fight. And yeah, that was tough to watch.

That was definitely tough to watch. And it was even tougher to watch all the fucking shit talking assholes on like Twitter and all the memes and all, oh, we fucking, you know, I've taken naps longer than that. They went to get a drink and then it was fucking over. And it's just like, like all of these people have fought and competed and won in the octagon and they have the right to talk shit like that. It's just, I don't know why people do stuff like that. You know, that happens to every champion.

If they, if they stay, if they stick around, eventually somebody younger is going to, you're the champ. Everybody's breaking down what the fuck it is you do over and over and over and over again. And then eventually you get run down. It happens to everybody. If it could happen to Muhammad Ali, Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvin Hagler, all these fucking guys, their last fight, I saw him lose. Roy Jones, Jr., Matt Hughes, George St. Pierre, right?

I think George St. Pierre might have won his last one, but he was all beat up and everything but, um, and said he didn't remember part of the fight. So that's what happens to everybody. So of course I text this to my buddy. He goes, well, not Rocky or fucking Mayweather, meaning Rocky Marciano. And it's just like, dude, all right, Rocky Marciano. Absolutely. But like Mayweather, I don't know.

Mayweather owes me like 300 bucks in pay per view. Think about that guy. All right. I'm really going out on a limb here because I don't watch that much boxing. I think one, obviously one of the greatest fighters of all fucking time, but like he's just also understood that final third of his career, I feel better than anybody else. How do you still continue fighting and not take that big fucking knockdown? Part of it or a lot of part was his amazing defense, but the other is the fucking opponents

that he picked. You know what I mean? That fucking packy out fight should have happened at least eight years before I was on his side where I was like, yeah, maybe he's on drugs. He probably, I don't know. Maybe he is. Maybe he fucking isn't, but, um, I don't know. Boxing isn't the way it was, um, somewhere in the eighties that died like, uh, that Hagler

Hearns, Durand Leonard, they all lost and they all fucking lost to each other and shit. It's just like you had unbelievable fighters for unbelievable fighters and they all fought each other. It's impossible to stay undefeated, but, um, you know, you fucking, you know, it'd be like if fucking Ali fought Joe, finally fought Joe Frazier in like 1981 and like when Ali's last fight, I think it was against Larry Holmes, who then was the fucking champ for like the next four years or whatever, his rule until, uh, I think Tyson came along or maybe there's one guy in between.

I can't remember. It's been so long ago. Hagler's last loss was to sugar Ray Leonard. I mean, these guys fought champions right up until the end of their career as opposed to, you know, fighting some guy from England with weight issues, you know, that one, Ricky, Ricky, uh, Ricky Hatton. I saw that fight. I don't like talking shit about fighters either because, you know, they can all beat the fuck

out of me. I'm just saying that, you know, I think it's going to hurt Mayweather, the level of guy that he fought in the final third of his career. Um, because I know for one, like just, I just, you know, you'd watch his fucking fights, the other guy couldn't hit him, Mayweather couldn't knock him out and he just kind of poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, the whole fucking fight with his, those white kitten gloves. I'm just like, this is fucking boring as shit. Um, fighting not to lose, playing not, playing not to lose like Penn State, like Penn State

did in the fourth fucking quarter. Um, so that's, I don't, that's my own dumb opinion. You know, I don't, I don't know shit about fighting, but all I know this is you're a fucking asshole. If you go on Twitter and you start trashing somebody cause they, uh, cause they got knocked out, like they're a pussy or you, you were overrated or any of that type of shit. I mean, some of you probably say I just did that to Mayweather. I'm not, I'm saying he's one of the greatest of all time.

I would never say that the guy's a pussy or anything like that. I would have just liked to watch him fight a better caliber fighter. Um, I don't know. You know what I mean? I like that, that Mayweather Pacquiao fight. That should have fucking happened at what? 05, 06, something like that. Bill, shut the fuck up.

All right. I'll shut the fuck up. Anyways, um, you know what it really is? Is that Verzi fucking said that Mayweather would have fucking beat Hagler Hearn's Leonard Durand. Like he would have fucking beat all of them. It's like he would have beat all of them. All of them couldn't beat all of each other.

You know, I don't know what he's, I don't know what he's basing it on. You know what he's basing it on? He's basing it on being born in the late seventies. I just, you know, I'm just an old fucking crabby man. Um, speaking of which, you know, I've, I've been working on my anger. Um, I got in the car today to return the pickup truck and I, uh, I fucking, uh, I, I don't know. I made it down the street or around the block before I got into an argument with this fucking

woman who just glided through her stop sign in her white Mercedes Benz. I got a fucking, I got a thing. Anybody who's got a white Mercedes, a white, uh, people white cars, man, high end white cars are fucking entitled cunts. I don't like them. You know what I mean? They think the car is a classy, right? I always give Verzi shit.

Like Verzi loves a white car. You know, they just think it's the classiest fucking thing ever. Mercedes and BMW, they've really fallen the fuck off. You know what I mean? They just went right down to the bottom feeders. Anybody with like, who can afford 60 bucks a month can lease one of those cars. Now I'm telling you, when I used to see a Mercedes drive down the street, he used to be some fucking guy like in his fifties who was wealthy or of a BMW.

Even then that was like, uh, more like the yuppie guy, like I'm not having fucking kids and I'll pour shit in the drinking water just to make another buck, you know, cook the fucking stock market, banker psycho, right? We would just having rough sex, you know, that fucking lunatic. Now it's shit. It's like, it's like fucking 21 year old kids. Um, I think this podcast should just be like, uh, some sort of theme of like things aren't the way they used to be.

And I'm fucking upset about it. You know what it is? I didn't have a good breakfast today. And at my age, that's not a good thing. You know, I woke up and we didn't have any fucking real food. The fucking, my, my frying pan was underneath all the dirty shit from the fucking Rose Bowl. It's in the sink. I'm not going to fry up a fucking egg.

And, uh, Nia has one of those fucking little kid cereals in there. And I was just like, all right, I'll fucking eat this shit. And, uh, I'm, I already had the fucking sugar high and now I'm starting to crash. So I'm being, I'm being a little harsh on the millennials, you know, in Floyd Mayweather and, uh, people who drive white cars. I can admit that in 2017, I can admit that this is the new me, the new bill. I meditate now. And by saying I meditate means I tried it once last week.

And I plan on doing it twice a day, but I've only done it once so far. But, uh, but I've been thinking about doing it. You know, and, uh, people have been sending me shit about trying to get over my fucking anger issues. And, uh, yeah, that lady like glided through the stop sign and I just stopped. I said, you got a stop sign right there. She goes, you got one over there. I go, that's not it.

It's the other one. It's just like, you're just a fucking another douche in a white Mercedes. I swear to God. Do you think if they stopped making that car, people would drive better? There's something about people when they get in a white Mercedes, a white fucking car, like, you know, that cost a certain amount of money. That's it. Look, I'm getting upset again.

Just relax, Bill. Take a fucking breath, you know, go outside, look at the birds. What the hell it is you're supposed to do. You know, somebody sent me this. I got, I should play it now. Somebody sent me this fucking video on, uh, you know, how to get over my anger. And, uh, at the risk of sounding like a hack comedian, it actually, it didn't make me angry. It fucking upset me though.

It really did. Let me see this here. See if I can click on this fucking thing again. Oh, how not to be angry all the time. I wonder if I can play this and not get fucking trouble by some, uh, some podcasting entity here. See if I can turn this fucking thing up here. So I look at this thing, right?

It's a cartoon. So immediately it's on my intellect level. Right. Here it is. This, this is what they're trying to say to me. I'll try to play this here. My minimal fucking, um, abilities here. Oh, for God's sake.

So you're going to play it here or what? I hit play. I refuse to get fucking angry during this. Why won't this thing play? Oh, I know. Cause I'm in this room. I'm in this room. So the fucking, the internet doesn't work.

Oh, there's a little spin wheel. It's gradually, it's spinning around. What's going to happen? All I want to do is play this fucking, all I want to do room is zoom, zoom, zoom. I just want to play this fucking video. How does it know? How does the universe know when you're trying to fucking do something? All right.

You know what? Fucking, I'm not playing. Hey, look at that. I'm not angry anymore. Cause I just gave in. That's basically what this fucking video told you to do. It was talking about so and so. This is, this is the name of the video.

It says how not to be angry all the time. And I would love to read the fucking comments on this thing, right? It says how not to be angry all the time. And it shows this guy. It's like a William or whatever. I think the guy's actually named was Bill. I can't remember. You know, he likes to read the newspaper and he tells his wife not to interrupt him

while he's doing that. And then it goes, his wife finds this very upsetting. So one time he's reading the newspaper and she says, Hey, when are you going to, you know, set the table and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And William flips out. He gets angry. And it says William gets angry because he has hope. It was talking about how angry people as much as they come off as their negative,

they're actually really positive people. And was basically saying that they have hope. So they present all these different scenarios and they're like, at each one of these cell, you know, he goes to the airport and his plane is delayed. He's one of the premier fucking flyers. He gets mad. He goes up. He flips.

He screams at the fucking lady behind the counter because he is hopeful. And it was basically saying that he needed to be a little more pessimistic. Oh, here's the video. Here's the video. It's basically saying you needed to be a negative cunt. Here we go. Why is it so fucking quiet? You know what?

I can't deal with this fucking guy's accent. I can't deal with it. Oh, I know. I had the fucking microphone turned around. There we go. Gloomy people. They actually are. Hold on one second.

People sound like gloomy types. We certainly don't usually think of them as optimists. And yet beneath that gruff surface, they truly are much to them. I can't fucking. Oh my God. I can't fucking listen to it. Kenny. Why does he got to fucking over and not say everything and not see it?

Everything. Gloomy people. They're actually positive people under that. Yeah. What's the role of this fucking shit, right? And he says in it to be more positive is what you have to do is you have to accept. The world that the world is actually a very dark gloomy place. And most things fail.

And most basically most dreams don't come true. And, you know, be more of like a realist and like people who, you know, people get upset, who aren't angry, people get upset when something happens, but they get over it way quicker and they don't get nearly as mad. And it's basically because I guess they're walking around going like, oh yeah, why wouldn't this person in this white Mercedes blow through the stop sign? Of course they do. I guess this part of me that I understand that like I flip out about the moron drivers out

here and I literally say to myself out loud after I flip out in the car going like, yes, Bill, you have established that people out here suck at driving. When are you going to stop reacting to it? And, you know, I don't think ever. I don't think it's because I'm like an optimist. I don't have. I'm not hopeful that someone fucking, you know, if they're going to make a left that they that they'll get all the way over to the left instead of sitting in the middle of the lane.

And now I have to fucking wait where if you just were over by the double yellow line, I could have gone around you. You fucking cunt. I'm not like hopeful that they're going to do that. I don't have like hope that they're going to do it. I just can't understand why you wouldn't because I know that person has been sitting behind somebody doing that. It's like when you're, you're in a long line and fucking whatever and it's moving slow

and everybody's yammering with the person on the other side of the fucking desk. It's like, just get up there. Say what you want and shut the fuck up. How hard is that? And there'll be a person in front of you looking at you rolling their eyes like, I can't believe how long this takes. And then they get up there. What are they doing?

I'll tell you, it's a great day out there, isn't it? They just fucking launch into all of this shit that has nothing to do with what you're doing. And it just fucking adds time. So I'm not, I don't have any hope that people are going to, maybe do I have hope? I guess I would hope you'd be a fucking, not a moron and figure out why this seems to be taking way longer than it should. I don't know.

I don't think it's cause I have hope. I think the reason why I get fucking angry is because that is my default emotion. I think that that's what it is. You know, I came from one of those families like, hey, shut the fuck up. You sit there and take it, right? One of those things, which, you know, if you're not allowed to express yourself, you immediately feel like you're not going to get what you want in life. And I think that that's what it, I think that's why I flip out.

You know, I flip out because of that. Like, you know, if something starts to go away, I don't want it to go. No one's going to listen to me and I don't have any fucking options other than just sit there and fucking take it. So I think that's what it is. I don't think it's cause I'm hopeful. I get maybe a little bit. Maybe I'm such an angry cunt.

I can't say that there's some truth in this video, but I don't think the solution is, is to just walk around, you know, just accepting that people are the way that they are. You know, that'd be like, if you know, you're coaching a team and be like, yeah, you know, we're eight and eight. Yeah, we're just eight and eight next year. You know, I will probably be eight and eight again because I've, I've accepted that this is the way things are. Um, I know a lot of positive driven people and they're not angry people.

So I don't think being positive is part of that. I think it's, I think it's just how my fucking wires, my mental wires have been soldered together. I think I probably came into the world. I don't know. Can you come into the world angry? I don't know. I don't think you can. I don't think you're born that fucking way.

I know fucking idea, but I don't know about this video where I got to now just, I just, the solution is just to be like, yeah, well, you know, people out here when they make laughs, that's how they're going to do it. I mean, I guess if you just do that, then you don't get angry because all these years and me getting angry has not made people stop doing that. It never made the person in front of me go like, oh, I'm sorry, let me get over. They just sort of look at me weird as I, as I drive by yelling at them, looking at me like, what the fuck is it?

Is he yelling at me? Am I doing something? I have no, I have a white car. How could I possibly be in the wrong? I don't know. I have no idea. I think, I don't know. I don't know what my deal is, but I plan on getting to the bottom, but at least understand it.

I don't think a three minute fucking YouTube video with some guy with his fucking, you know, I think in the United States, we like getting like people with English accents to fucking narrate shit because then it just sounds like it's true or smart, you know what I mean? Which is why I think all these, these English guys have been Scottish guys have done well. Maybe it's just women like fucking that accent or just like a different foreign accent. I don't know. Like these talk show people, you know, for some reason, that slot that used to be after

David Letterman, you have to get an English or a Scottish guy. Like that's become like that time slot, like an American accented guy cannot do well. And that, that is the Great Britain accent time slot. I don't know. I don't, but I, I, all I know is I can't, I can't listen to fucking, I can't listen to this again. He's often furious. He's often furious.

He sounds like he's in the fucking clockwork orange. But I am often furious. His name was Fred. I knew it was one of my names, right? Alright, what am I doing here? Let's, let's, let's read some fucking advertising here. 34 fucking minutes into this podcast. And I don't think I'm a, I don't even think I'm even remotely a better person.

What about you guys? Um, all right. Oh, it's our friends here. No, wait, let's, let's, let's stay on this point here. Maybe, maybe that's what I should do. I'm going to try that today. I'm going to just try walking around. And what I'm going to do is have my eyebrows up a little bit.

I'm going to do that thing that people do, you know, where they make their lips disappear, their mouth looks like it's closed, but their lips disappear, you know, the car. I'm just going to do that. Walk around like, oh yeah. Of course, this thing that should take 90 seconds. Of course, now it's going to take six minutes. Yep. Okay.

Take my car over to the dealership to get the, the brake light done. I mean, I know that I could change out a brake light, but of course you have the screws. They're, they're inside the car behind a plastic thing. And I know when I go to take that thing off, that they are the head on the screw is going to be something I've never seen before and requests and requires a special screwdriver that I could go down or maybe order on Amazon, you know, and of course they won't just sell me the one. I'll have to buy the whole set and then I'll be like, well, I guess I can pay fucking $35

for a new set of screwdrivers and hope I don't get a ticket over the next few fucking days. Or I could just drive down to the fucking dealership and just pay 180 bucks for a fucking like, but I'm already getting mad again. I'm just going to go down to the dealership and just say yes. I have something that I could totally repair on my car if you guys hadn't put those alien screws in there. Excuse me. Could I have the screwdriver that I need to undo those four screws?

Could I, could I have that please? And could I then find the corporate guy right as he's getting on his jet who came up with this idea? And could I please just, I don't know, just sort of stick it into the side of his neck? I think that would be nice. How does that work if I say angry shit, but I say it in a pleasant way? Ma'am, is there a reason why you're so not focused as you work this cash register? Is there a reason why you feel that you're above a job that you stink at?

How does that work? Shouldn't you be so good at this job that I'm actually sitting there thinking to myself, why are you working here? You're way beyond this. Why are you standing here reinforcing that you're not even good enough to do this job because you think you're better than another job? Is there any way you could open that cash register door and I could grab you by your ponytail, shove your head into the drawer and then see how far I could close it with

your head in it? Is there a way I could do that? Sorry, guys. I have to rehearse everything that I'm going to go through today. Oh, hello Staples. No, you cannot have my phone number. I mean, I'll give you a phone number and I will give you an alternate phone number. Yes, I will.

None of these will be true. I'll give you a, I'll give you a, you know, my fake email addresses that I give. It's you know it at AOL.com. You got to have a fake one. You know it at AOL.com. That's my fake one. And that is a reference to Will Ferrell in old school. Frank the Tank.

When they're going, Frank the Tank. Frank is going, you know it. You know it. The fake phone number I give out is a series of area codes followed by the number of five. They'll be like, what's your, what's your phone number? It's like three, two, three, two, one, two, eight, one, eight, five. That's what I do. But they start to look at you after two area codes, you know, when you go like three, one,

two, one, two, you get that, you get that little puppy look, the little cock in the head. And then rather than saying eight, one, eight, because they're going to know I go eight, one, eight, five. So I still get it in there. The fake name I go with all the time, Russell. Russell, whenever I just need a first name, what's your name? Hey, what's your name? Russell. Russell, what can I do for you today?

Well, you can start by not asking me personal questions. All right. That's what you can do. And you can get some loafers that are, that fit your fucking feet. How about that? All right. Tight shoes. I'm sorry.

I don't want to tell you. Oh, by the way, I, you know, I got some video, my old buddy Cleo, and she seems happy as hell. And this is unprecedented. This person that I gave my dog to is a dog trainer and at like the fucking dog whisperer level. So, which is what my dog needed. And he sent me video of something I've never seen before. My dog came in and wanted to play with another dog, which my dog never did. My dog tried to kill other dogs.

My dog tried to kill another dog when my dog was with the trainer that now has it. He's slowly been working with this fucking thing. And it was amazing. And the trainer said, you know, within a week to 10 days, they will probably be just like best of friends sleeping together in the sun. So that made me feel good because I think she's actually happier in that environment than she was with me. Even though, you know, I miss her to death or what, but that made me feel good. So there you go.

There you go. I'll tell you that fucking dog is at an amazing life, an amazing life. Like, literally, it should have been over like three different times and it always survives. And its life has gotten progressively better. So that made me feel good as much as I, as much as I miss the thing. That's cool. It's got a friend. And I got nobody.

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I don't get like that. Well, maybe these ads are so fucking long because I read everything. Copy mentioned at least three times a spot. Mention what? Why don't you write what the fuck I'm supposed to? You know, it'd be nice if you guys would just. Write down what I'm supposed to mention and then I don't have to do the math and the copy. I would really appreciate that.

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All right. I already read the anger one. Goodwill. Hey, Bill. Bill loved the podcast. Can't wait for F is for family season two. Thank you very much. Well, thank you very much.

Last week on the Thursday podcast, you talked about Goodwill. I worked at Goodwill for a little over a year and you wouldn't believe the shit that was donated there. Oh, my God, this fascinates the hell out of me. I imagine they give you basically everything short of a body. You are totally right. They just throw all this shit in trucks, but instead of throwing shit in the oceans. Wait a second. But they, instead of throwing shit in the oceans, put the trucks in warehouses and let them set for at least three to 10 years so the shit can get a lovely scent of mold over them.

When they get loaded, they literally throw the shit on the truck nine times out of 10, breaking whatever you are donating. No way. You know what the shit, you know what the shit thing is about donating to Goodwill. You can bring shit with mold, piss shit or anything else disgusting there and they have to take it. Well, then what are they supposed to do with it? I'd put it on a truck too nine times out of 10. They will take anything, but that one time out of 10, if you bitch and threaten to call corporate and complain, they will take no matter. They'll take it no matter what.

Oh God, somebody's got to do a documentary on Goodwill. When I was there, people would donate trash they didn't want to pay to get rid of. Couches torn to shit with pistains all over it, mattresses with literal shit on them and a laundry list of long, gross shit. Dude, this is like an expose and I'm taking this all as fact. I have no idea if this is true or not. They will literally sell anything. I got to the point that when people would donate things that were really nice, I would tell them they should keep it or give it to someone because it would just be thrown away. But of course the mouth breathing assholes that would donate trash that they have to, what?

But of course the mouth breathing assholes that would donate trash that they have to take. Dude, you're a bit of a mouth breather here. You're not speaking in full sentences. These people are hoarders that you can't even open their car door without shit falling all over the fucking place. Fucking disgusting. The grossest thing that I ever saw get sold was either a mattress with shit and pistains on it or an antique dildo that had white hair all over it. Ah, come on, come on, come on, people. I can't believe this.

Am I getting trolled here? Is this a millennial? Is he giving me the business? He says, I know this is going to sound like I am making myself in this situation. What? I know this is going to sound like I am making myself in this situation, the good guy. Is this a voice text? But I seriously would look at them and be like, why the fuck are we selling this?

This is really wrong. They would respond with, we have to sell everything to try and make bonus. The sad thing was we never made bonus. I got to the point where I wouldn't price shit because it was garbage. On my last day, I felt like grabbing a trash bag from the office, go around the building, picking up trash, then tying it, tie it up, slap a dollar on it, and write on the bag, mystery bag or some shit like that and see if anybody would buy it. But I didn't. Dude, this is all, that was all one sentence. On my last day, I felt like grabbing a trash bag from the office, go around the building, picking up trash, then tie it up, slap a dollar on it, and write on the bag.

Mystery bag or some shit like that and see if somebody would buy it. But I didn't. All one sentence. Thanks, Bill, for the laughs and good luck to you and Neil with the new baby. Yeah, I kind of get it. But people just use goodwill because they want to feel like they're being environmentally conscious. You know, I'm not throwing this out. It's going to end up in a landfill or in the ocean and then you just bring it down there and they just throw it out.

Yeah, well, it didn't take a genius. She come down there. There's a giant fucking 18 wheel or empty just parked there. Not like it's dropping off or picking up shit. It's, it's, it's there on its, on its legs. There's no tractor trailer there. And you know, they just come over there like once a day and just drive that thing away. Where, where's it going?

All right. Drama queen dad. Dear Billy Rednose. First off, I'd like to say thanks. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a lady. Oh my God.

I have a female fan in high school. And lately I've been listening to your podcast whenever I'm stressed out or just looking for something to laugh at. Okay. Now onto the story. My father is a middle-aged man with bipolar disorder and likes to blame everything on his mental illness as he calls it. I like that you're already taking him to task here. He's going to blame everything on his mental illness. Yes.

That's no reason to not do your dishes. All right. All right. He's very dramatic and claims that his bipolar is the reason he hasn't been able to hold a job lately. Even though he kept the same career for about 10 years and is now working for a new company. My parents are divorced. So whenever my father can't have us over to visit, he claims it's because of his illness. Oh man.

That's the greatest. There's nothing like a fucking built-in excuse. That's going to be great when I have a kid here in a few fucking days, minutes, weeks, whatever. You know, I'd love to go. My kid, my kid. Yeah, I can't. I got a kid. I don't want to tell him that bipolar disorder is not a mental illness because he'd go ape shit on me.

Is bipolar, I don't know. I thought anytime your brain was fucked up, you had a mental illness. I have a mental illness with my anger. Okay. Bipolar, bipolar, is it a disease? Well, let's see here. Oh, just give me the fucking answer. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, fuck you. I'm not reading all this shit. This is the internet. I don't want to expound it on. Just give me the yes or no. Is there yes or no dot com? Can you just do that? Just answer.

Ask a fucking. It's like, I don't want to know why. Is this blah, blah, blah, yes or no? And then you have your answers. And then when you go to the bar and somebody says something, you're like, no, it isn't. Or yes, it is. Yeah, it is. Do you know that bipolar disorder develops during a person's late teens or early adult years?

Do you know I didn't ask that question? Never trust a fucking doctor with a goatee. What the fuck is it? You know, oh my God. Jesus Christ. Look at these fucking eggheads. I've got nice full heads of hair though. I got to give them that.

All right. Anyways, I don't want to tell him bipolar disorder is not a mental illness because he'll go ape shit on me. For some reason, he seems to enjoy making me and my sister feel like shit. It makes mountains out of molehills whenever we correct him or stand up for ourselves when he bullies us. Yeah, don't take any shit from me. Sounds like an asshole. What's even worse about this is that his bullying always works. He's very manipulative and I'm scared to see him because of the things he said and done to me in the past.

Every time I'm informed, I'll have to spend the weekend with him. I nearly pissed myself with anxiety. My question to you is how the fuck do you deal with someone like this? I know my dad is ridiculous and uses underhanded tactics to make me feel like shit. But for some reason, I'm not able to just get over it. None of my friends seem to relate to being so terrified of one person like I am of my father. And I would like to hear your take on things. Thanks for reading this and go fuck yourself.

All right, how would I get past this? Well, this is the hardest thing to do. You have to stop giving a shit about the guy to a certain level. At some point, you know, if you have a parent like this, you have to look at them and remove mentally that they're a relative. And you have to just say to yourself, like, if this person was a complete stranger, would I be friends with this person? Would I interact with this person? Would I waste another minute my fucking life dealing with this person? You know, and when you got to ask those questions, usually it's like, absolutely not.

This would have been a fucking one and done situation. But the thing is, it is your dad, so you can't write him off. But you have to kind of, that's the toughest thing when you got to write off a parent but still interact with them. You just got to be like, I don't know, you kind of have to find the humor in it, I think. That's a tough one, especially at your age. I don't know. I would just, I don't know. I would probably do some passive aggressive shit where I would just say, oh yeah, is that how it is?

Okay, I'll get right on that, you know, shit like that. I don't know what to tell you. I would just basically, I would still like, what is he going to do other than get mad? He doesn't sound like he hits you anything. So he just mad and he flips out or whatever and just, I stop. Who gives a fuck? That's what he's going to do. The guy's out of his fucking mind, right?

Maybe he's got bipolar. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe it's a disease. Maybe it isn't. All you know, it just, oh man, this is tough. This is a fucking rough one because it's your dad. And the last thing you want to do is then go out in the world and start dating somebody who then treats you like that, that the exact fucking thing you don't want. And then you end up with that.

And then you have that same nervousness in a fucking relationship. That's all I can say. You know what you got to do? You're not going to be able to fix this guy. You got to deal with him because he is your dad. But the big thing that you can do is in your life is you create a life that does not involve this. All right, you need to go out and go marry a fucking sweetheart, right? And then your fucking house is great and it's peaceful and it's what you want.

And then every once in a while, this fucking tornado blows through and you deal with it. And then it leaves and then you go back to your peaceful life. That's all you can do. As a kid, you really can't do anything about your parents. You can't pick them. You just get the ones that you get. But the thing that you can do is create a life that does not involve that. And then you don't do that shit to your kids and then you break the cycle.

Then that's it. But the weird fucking thing is that you're still always going to be in your life. So that lunatic will then be around your kids and it's a motherfucker. It really is. But fortunately, they, for the most part, die before we do. And then, you know, you don't have to deal with them anymore. So I guess try to find the fucking humor in it while you're dealing with it. And then think of how exciting your life is going to be by not having that in it.

You know, you might want to just Skype with them for a while. Get yourself in a situation to be like, what? I think the screen froze. Hello. And you just click. But that's really, that's disappointing to hear that an adult would manipulate a teenager. Forget about his own fucking daughter. That sucks.

So I don't know, try that. But just know that you can go out in the world and have any life that you want to have simply by, you know, you know, he's showing you what you don't want. All right. There you go. Oh man, that's brutal. You fuck. You fuck up so bad as a parent that your daughter goes outgoing.

I want to marry a man who's the exact opposite of my own dad. Woo. That's game set match. You fucked up as a father. All right. Sister's girlfriend. Dear Bill the Red Bitch Burr. My twin sister is a lesbian and she's dating a lady who was bisexual.

She was bisexual. And then what? Then what? She became totally homosexual and went back to heterosexuality or is she asexual? At first we didn't, we weren't close or anything, but we did get along with your twin sister, not the bisexual woman, right? Then about a year ago, we ran into each other at a club in the end. Oh, I know you're talking about the bisexual lady.

My sister is a lesbian and she was dating a lady who was bisexual. First we weren't close or anything, but, but we got along. I'm assuming you're talking about the bisexual lady. Then about a year ago, we ran into each other at a downtown club. We, we had a few draw. Jesus, we have a few drinks. Just start talking about random stuff. She came back.

She's going to try to fucking, she can try to finger bang the whole family here. Until a friend of mine invited us to a party at some guy's house. We went and had a lot more to drink. And then one thing led to another. What does anything good ever come after? And then, you know, one thing led to another. That's when you're fast forwarding through something, a piece of shit thing you did or something you're embarrassed of. And one thing led to another.

No one ever talks about fucking. Hey, how did you hit that one, that winning game shot? Well, the inbound of the ball and one thing led to another. And, you know, I had to, I had to shot to win the championship. You will tell every fucking detail. I was running down the court with every step I could feel my heartbeat. I knew somebody had to step up and I knew that someone was going to be me. Right?

That's how you tell it when you fucking, when you did some good shit. You did some bad shit. Yeah. One thing led to another. And the guy was on the ground and he wasn't breathing. So I don't know what happened. Okay. One thing led to another.

We ended up having sex. The next day we came, we came to and both felt horrible about what happened. You both came to, I just pictured that fucking, you know, take my picture, smack my bitch up. Remember that Madonna was in the background going, oh, she was singing like the fucking opening to Star Trek. The next day we came to and both felt horribly about what happened. She then told my sister that she slept with the man, but didn't tell her it was me. Oh, wait, you're a guy.

I thought this was a lady. Oh, okay. Okay. In fact, I don't know. All right. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. All right.

Your twin sister is a lesbian. She's dating the ladies bisexual. Yeah. Yeah. At first we weren't close or anything, but we got along. Okay. And then you ran into her and you fucked, you fucked your fucking sister's girlfriend. No wonder you went with one thing led to another.

Then we came to like you were both drugged. Oh, these are classic. You feel horrible about this, sir. Or you don't. And, uh, but you want to get away with it. So you're blowing through the details. Well, this is very, this is very underwritten for what the fuck has just gone down here. Jesus Christ.

Uh, she then told my sister that she slept with the man, but didn't tell her it was me. Dude, this chick is a psycho. Uh, for the past year, I've been torn up about it. I need your unbiased style of advice. Should I tell my sister that it was me or not? Thanks. P.S. come to blah, blah, blah. I would love to see you again.

Um, dude, no, don't say a few die with that secret. That with that secret and hope that woman fades away. And then if it ever comes back around, she said it was you. And just be like, it was the fire. I wouldn't say a fucking word. Don't say a fucking word. Okay. The flying the ointment here is this bisexual lady.

Okay. She's jumping all over the fence. She's fucking sister. She's fucking brothers. And she's fucking white people. No kid. She's fucking two people and she's, she's the flying the fucking ointment. Okay.

She said the shit. Um, I don't know why she's doing that. Like this is, she's like Glenn close, um, in, in, in fatal attraction. If she fucked both Michael Douglas and the hottie he was married to and the rabbit. Okay. Just fuck this lady. Just, you know, you just sit tight. Okay.

This is like you're in a sub and you cut the engines and you're just hoping that they're not going to start dropping death charges. You just hope you get through it. Sometimes in life you just shut the fuck up. I, this was one, I wouldn't say anything. Okay. And if she brings it up, yeah, you slept with her. I would just, I mean, what are you going to do?

This is the thing. You, you just, this lady's out of her fucking mind. There's no way your sister's going to end up with her. Okay. There's no way she's going to end up with her. All right. This woman's out of her fucking mind. So she's eventually going to fade away.

Um, all you have to do is just hope that when it comes time for the breakup that the crazy bitch is breaking up with your sister. Because if your sister goes to break up with her in that highly emotional moment, she might drop the bomb. Okay. And then you would just, you just got to play it like she said, what? No, I never had, she's just, you were just breaking up that she said, that's why she was saying it because you're broken.

And then she walks to the room. You're like, all right, I did it because one thing led to another. All right. Call my pants down. Hey, Billy blue lungs. I don't know what that means. I'm 24 years old and I'm dating a woman that is 34 years old. Uh, all right.

See, you fucking an older lady. You're not dating. Come on. What are you going to do? Well, you're going to have your first kid with her when she's like 96. We've been dating for close to three years now and I couldn't be happier. We recently bought a house. Oh, Jesus.

You're 24. You're dating a 34 year old and you bought a house with her. We recently bought a house. I would be nervous if this was flipped in the guy was 34. It was a 24 year old. He's still a wild horse, man. You got to run out of the range. Um, we recently bought a house and it finally came time to put down the down payment on

the house and all that extra stuff. I'm going to be honest. I had ego issues on the down payment. She knows my financial status and she was cool with it, but I just wanted to provide more because she does so much for me. So I dropped my car insurance without her knowing to give her the extra money. Even though she said I didn't need to, I felt like what sort of man would I be if I didn't contribute my part?

So my luck has it. I got into a car accident literally two weeks after I dropped my car insurance between a rock and a hard place. Now we want to start a family, but I'm guessing my license would be suspended for a year. A lot of burden will be put upon her now that I'm, I'm assuming my license will be suspended for some time. Bill and me, if you could do me a solid on this one, that would be great. P.S. long time listener, first time email.

Oh Jesus. What are you asking me? Like, yeah, you're fucked. You are fucked. I agree with that. Um, well, I, um, in life, sometimes you learn a hard lesson, sir, and you're learning one right now. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to tell you. You're with this woman. The solution you, what you learned is the solution is not doing what you did. You don't expose yourself to that type of a liability. Um, you didn't really ask me a question. Uh, all right. So you love this person. You want to start a family.

That's all good. And you fucked up. Uh, I would, I guess if you haven't told her, I would come clean, tell her what you did, why you did it. Say you're sorry. And, uh, and I don't know what you, but if you're 24 and you want to be able to provide, she's 34 and you're going to get married. You're going to start a family.

I don't know how are you going to be able to provide. You got to get your career going. I would think so that would be my biggest concern. Once I find out what the judgment against me is going to be, but, uh, here's the deal, dude. She's 34. You're 24. She should be making more money than you.

She should have more money than you. Her life should be further down there. You know, uh, you can't try to catch up to a 34 year old. All right. Cause the only way for you to do it is to do what you just did and you end up fucking yourself over. And in the long run, you fuck her over too. So, um, you have to respect the fact that you're the age you're at, you're at.

And, uh, I would try to figure out what the fuck I wanted to do with my life. And I would try to get that career going. And I would hope that there would be a bus close by that I could take to get me to that because you're, I think you're going to get fucked here. Sorry to say that, but, um, yeah, my advice would be to stop trying to measure up to a 34 year old, just be 24. All right. I hope that helped you out.

Um, but that's all I got. Sorry. Okay. All right. That's the podcast for this week. If you'd like to donate to the podcast, you can always do that anytime you shop on Amazon. Well, how do I do that? Well, you just go to bill bird.com.

You click on the podcast page and there's an Amazon link. You click on that. It takes you right to Amazon. You know, it doesn't cost you any extra money. I get credit for driving traffic to that site. Yada, yada, yada. Whatever, whatever the fuck you want to say there. All right.

And they give me a little bit of money. All right. That's it. That's it. Uh, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on, uh, on Thursday. Congratulations to USC. Congratulations to Clemson, Alabama. Oh, nearly.

We're going to see who's going to fucking win that one. Uh, NFL playoffs playoffs are coming. Bruins had a nice two game win streak over the Sabres. And then we, we fucking lost yesterday. I missed that game. Got fucking smoked three to nothing. But what do we play? Played fucking the Carolina Hurricanes.

Um, that's it. Hey everybody, the holidays are over. It's a brand new fucking year. Don't deal with bipolar people. All right. If you want to make a left, get over towards the double line. Uh, don't liquidate your fucking insurance. So, uh, you can try to fucking bang a 40 year old and, uh, I think that's it.

Yeah. And if you bang your, uh, lesbian sister's girlfriend, keep your fucking mouth shut. All right. Talk to you on Thursday. Yeah, so was a spaghetti bolognese with liquor veer gehaakt. Download the Maiden leise app and cook me. Yeah, top the leise. Me with a cleaver.