Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-3-22

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Bill rambles about Bowl games, dictators, and Carlin. As Mentioned: Grocery Store Lobster as a Pet: https://youtu.be/9sI7WveN7vk Airplane Graveyard: https://youtu.be/nzZqWuwYZNk Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at this exclusive web address — ZipRecruiter dot com slash burr

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday the first Monday of 2022 January 3rd 2022 2000 and Doug Flutey. Oh We got it. He did it. He did it Flutey did it The orange ball 1984. I'm sorry What's going on, man? It's going on man. How was your new year? Is it your new years? Is it the finals?

New Year's Eve. New Year Eve. New Year's Eve. Happy New Year's. Happy New Year Which coming up is New Year's Eve But then you say happy New Year. I think that's how it is I don't know whatever. I like to mispronounce things. It makes people who are like marginally smart feel like they're geniuses actually the proper way to say it is Is the Stanley Cup final? There's only one of them. Oh, thank you fucking smarty cunt So tell me didn't you have a good insult smarty cunt. Yeah, I'm going with smarty cunt speaking of smarty cunts Guess what we're doing guess what we're doing since this goddamn pandemic started

We're doing the Patrice O'Neill stand-up comedy benefit once again. It is back after a one-year layoff due to influenza of the 2019 variety What is it gonna be January 18th at the New York City Center? Tickets are on sale that New York NY City Center org the lineup listen to this lineup Pete Davidson Chris DeStefano Mateo Lane Yamanica Saunders charade small Cypher sounds Mike Vecchione rich Voss hosting as always and from the impractical jokers and Taste Buds podcast Sal Volcano and yours truly. I mean what a lineup

Come on down It's a great benefit. It's what we do to help out You know the people Patrice was taken care of you know Basically stepping up for him. I can't believe he's already been gone for ten years, but that's sad So we're not gonna talk about that. Let's just plow ahead All right, cuz it's the new year and you know what happens in the new year you get a new outlook All right, you wake up. You're like, you know what I'm gonna do this year. I'm gonna get some shit done

I'm gonna get some shit done. That's what I did this morning. I woke up right my daughter was a little sick, you know, so You know had to deal with that overnight, you know, she got sick a couple of times So I woke up in the morning by doobah doboop and my son was fine So I brought him downstairs and I made him a little almond smoothie Which is fucking delicious peanut butter cinnamon You know bananas and all of that stuff. He loves it does not want to use the straw He wants to try to gulp it down like he's drinking out of a solo cup and if I don't let him do that He pretends to cry runs over to the couch and puts his head down on it and pretends to cry

And then he looks up to see if I care. It's hilarious so Anyway, I was taking care of my son while my wife and daughter slept in and I Don't know took all the dishes out of the dishwasher because I'm getting shit done 22 You know that that first 53 years of Bill Burr. That was just a fluke All right, I'm getting out. This is the new bill Burr. He gets shit done, right? So I fucking empty the dishwasher Do all the dishes from the breakfast. I wiped down all the counter. I get out the vacuum vacuum up the fucking kitchen floor

Then I go into the the laundry room There's clothes there clean clothes that need to be folded took the ones that were hanging down folded those took the ones That was sitting in the laundry basket emptied those out folded all those fucking things took them upstairs put them all away Then cleaned up my side of the bedroom And now I'm just like all right now what now what else can I do so I can feel like I got momentum here All right with three days in I got momentum You know I had a little bit of my side of my garage got painted So it didn't look like a fucking eyesore and then it looked beautiful

Beautiful cream-colored wall the whole thing I fucking loving it and then what happens like a month later It rains and all this rust shit from the roof of gutters or whatever just leaked down and I'm like oh I can just wash that off. No you can't no you can't it's seeped into the fucking paint So I'm gonna take a sponge You know bucket of hot water and soap to it today see the best I can do and then maybe put another coat on give get a fucking roller I'm Getting shit done people. It's the new year. Okay. I'm gonna get shit done that matters all these t-shirts that I should throw out But I can't cuz they're sentimental to me. I got one of those shrinky bags. I'm gonna get the vacuum cleaner

I'm gonna fucking open the thing up stick the bags in there and then shrink racket wrap it and stuff it under the bed, right? Some fucking getting shit done. What are you guys doing, huh? I Tell you what I'm a drop in weight. Oh Billy freckles. Oh Billy freckles has been going to the gym hitting that elliptical Throwing around the weights a little bit a little bit. I've been kind of hanging from the pull-up bar making my shoulders feel better Not with my feet off the ground although I did that a couple times before I realized I wasn't supposed to do that Shoulder feels pretty good. I got an acting gig coming up. So it's like all right. I gotta get you know I gotta be 172, you know, that's think that's the way to have to be at any less than that people think I have AIDS anything more than that they call me Billy fat tits. So

That's what I have to get down to so That's just is what it is. That's what I'm that's what I'm gonna fucking do so Actually got a it can't be 1141. Are you fucking kidding me? How the fuck is it 1140? It's 1041. Oh my laptops on fucking Arizona time by the way, thank you to everybody who came out To my two shows my last two shows at 2021 in Arizona I Had so much fucking fun man. They just were I don't know my people's the holidays everybody was in a good mood or something

But like I just had a great time Making fun of Arizona and then making fun of Hollywood all at the same time So there was enough on either side, you know, it's kind of what you want to do I feel Be like all right, you're kind of stupid too But so are we and then you find the middle ground every second All right, he's gonna give as well as he takes and then you just have a good time for the most part I feel like that's how it went But anyway, let's talk like let's talk about the fucking college football playoffs

The playoffs it was representing the Big 10 the Michigan Wolverines For the first time forever. It wasn't you know, all the Ohio State Buckeyes They did not have a good season. They played like three good teams and they lost to two of them And that would not stop their fans from still probably saying they should have been in the playoff, but I think After yesterday's Rose Bowl when you let up 45 points to fucking Utah, I think at that point maybe You can say next year, but they did come back and win They also let up 45 points. Who's kidding who the SEC looked a lot stronger Yesterday, I'll tell you the South one. That's what happened if you re-enacted the Civil War on a football field

The North lost that one Jesus Christ Cincinnati well first of all Michigan just got absolutely fucking destroyed I mean, they just got fucking destroyed and what I loved about Georgia was they were playing football What do you mean by that bill? I mean if you get down to the fucking red zone and it's fourth and three fourth and five You don't fucking go for it. You kick a field goal and you take the fucking points You give you fucking defense something. Okay. All right. We got some points. Okay. Now we stop them here Maybe they'll go down next time. They'll score a fucking touchdown Everybody plays it now like they're fucking sitting at home playing a goddamn video game

And I know that I say this to fucking death, but if you watched that goddamn Cincinnati, Alabama game, I Mean, I'm not saying Cincinnati was gonna win, but do you have to help Alabama? Cincinnati wins the fucking toss and the analytics That they got from the math team nerds, right? They're letting nerds coach their fucking team evidently analytics says you defer it gives you a higher percentage right Here's my here's my belief about analytics from someone who sucked at math Okay, I suck at math, but I'm great at reading people

Okay, and I find people on math teams are like great between the ears, but they can't feel out vibes They don't know what the fuck's going on. Okay, and if you're gonna take the analytics you learned from when your team was playing ball State and also put it up against Alabama. That's probably I mean, I hope that's thrown in there for error right That was like back in the day when I used to fucking Watch people say Peyton Manning was better than Tom Brady and Tom Brady had three Super Bowl rings And Peyton Manning had yet to get one. They're still going. Oh, I gotta tell ya. You know, I gotta tell you I gotta tell you know if you look at the stats

You're gonna build a team you got to go with Peyton It was just at that point Peyton Manning was the guy if you wanted 500 yards and six touchdowns in November That's who the fuck you wanted. But if you wanted a Super Bowl ring, you wanted Tom fucking Brady So anyways Peyton Manning came around anyone two Super Bowls I mean one of them, you know, they made how we covered his receivers illegal and then they stole our offense But that's not cheating. Uh, I Will never let that go neither. Well at this field go shit go so Cincinnati comes out wins the toss

Wins the fucking toss they defer to Alabama who by the way Their quarterback is the Heisman Trophy winner this year. I you know what we're gonna do Well, we're gonna do we got that we win the toss no matter what we're gonna give it to that kid So what do they do? Evidently Cincinnati had some good corners. So what do they do? They play big 10 football They smashed out the ball all the way down the field nice long sustained drive Go up seven and nothing and for the rest of the game Cincinnati's fucking chasing them because they're chasing them every time They get in the fucking red zone. They're going for it

At one point it was 24 to six. It should have been fucking 24 to 12. He had two chip shot field goals. You just leave them You just every time it's like if you went to a casino and every time you hit Every time you go double or nothing you're gonna fucking lose You got a chip away to fucking team like that keep your team in the fucking game So what happens after all the effort the defense is doing holding that powerhouse offense to only 24 fucking points They should have been in the game and they weren't every time they look up They still see they only got six points on the board and next thing you know They have a frustration penalty that that guy in Cincinnati fucking slaps the helmet off the Alabama kid

He gets kicked out of the fucking game. Does he do that analytic people if it's 24 to 12? I say he does it If you watch Georgia Georgia scored on every single drive except one and buried Michigan in the first half You know why because if the touchdown was there they took it if it wasn't they got a fucking field goal That was the one thing I felt was missing in that great John Madden Documentary Was They'd never asked him What he thought of the way the game was played today with going for it on

Fourth and two at your own 50 yard line when you're down seven and nothing in the first quarter Or going for it on fourth and five when you're down by like 16 With almost two full quarters to go Take the points It's so fucking stupid I got to tell you something right now But if you're a football coach in the upper deck of the stadium agrees with the way of your coaching calls I think you need to step back. I do anyway

When someone in the upper deck can basically coach the team I go for it fake pond I Don't know. I thought it was fucking ridiculous and Now that I've said that What I you know, I always root against Alabama because I came to college football late I wrote it for Michigan when I was growing up But like I was a pro team and I wasn't just gonna jump on the bandwagon, you know, when they have the Paul Brown Bill Belichick of You know college coaches what I love about watching the way Alabama plays is even when they play against a really Great team which Cincinnati was

They can almost lull the other team into this sense that You know, they have a shot While all along the way Alabama keeps winning those little battles and then next thing, you know The game starts slipping away and then the other team gets frustrated and then they just get blown out But for that first half, they're like, you know, we're doing all right. We're only down by fucking seven And then they just do some dumb shit. They take fucking penalties. They get kicked out of the fucking game They just do dumb shit like that. They're just an unbelievable Program and an unbelievably coach team and you know what that sets up now

That sets up an all-South Georgia versus Alabama The inevitable battle that would have happened if the South won the Civil War There would have been a second Civil War No one in the South wants to talk about it because they act like they're all in the same page But here's the deal Georgia and Alabama do not like each other All right They like that. What's so it's that show about those rich people who they're all fucking assholes to each other

So you can't really root for anybody succession succession You know, you're like you're trying to be emotionally invested Like oh my god, I can't believe this character did that to that other character But it's like well The character that other character just did that to did this to the other care, you know, I don't give a fuck about him This is just like voyeuristic Just watching terrible behavior, which by the way, I don't understand. I was on the elliptical right Billy balliptical

And I'm watching, you know, they show all all of these legendary people that passed away last year. I mean, it was fucking Incredible like just From Paul from Colin Powell To fucking Dusty Hill to fucking DMX is all of these amazing people in politics military Artists music sports the whole fucking thing and in the middle of it. They put fucking Bernie Madoff It's like what in the fuck How does he make a fucking list I? Love that. I didn't even know he died. That's the way a guy like that should die

Anonymously in fucking jail. I Don't know I Really fucking annoyed me At first I was excited. I was like oh that piece of shit died. I didn't even know that then I'm like wait a minute What the fuck did DMX Colin Powell and Dusty Hill do to deserve to be on the same list as fucking Bernie fucking Madoff Anyway, let's get back Georgia versus Alabama. All right, they do not like each other Okay, now on the football field. I believe Georgia is the underdog. I

Believe I don't know. I think they're ranked. I forget who's ranked one who's ranked number two, but I'll tell you in life Alabama is the underdog if you go to Georgia people in Georgia Love to trash people in Alabama People in Georgia feel that they are a cut above that their brisket is a little more eloquent Then Alabama's ribs, right? The people I mean, I think you know it all depends on what you want If you're just going if you're just looking at this like a sports fan All right, you got a route for Georgia

Just because you know Alabama seems to win it all the time. All right But if you want to be woke You know Georgia abuses their power over Alabama, you know Georgia has slightly better books in their school You know only slightly better, which is why they still do the Tomahawk chop at the World Series And Alabama I mean you're talking about a state that thinks the Hunger Games is a documentary Okay, a lot of them do Okay, now I'm speaking from personal experience having performed in both states Knowing full well that I'm better than all of those people combined

All right Fucking with you guys, but I did notice that when I went to Georgia like They well, they would make fun of people from Alabama all the time the way people from Wisconsin make people from people from Illinois, Ohio With fucking Michigan. It's just states think other states are dumber than they are. I Don't know why especially if you live like right on the fucking state line You know, they had that in New England mass holes maniacs You know, I don't know. I don't know what fucking people Rhode Island. Everybody thought we're morons Connecticut they were a bunch of rich cunts

It's you know, I gotta be honest. It's kind of true though No, I'm fucking with this so anyway that is gonna be the championship game for the championship for all the marbles Alabama first, Georgia, and I Don't know who knows I'm gonna be rooting for Georgia only because Alabama Wins it all the time, but I I love both of those programs I love the SEC and they definitely proved that they were the best conference this year because You know Because of the two games that you fucking watched

You know got a buddy of mine that was watching him and he's going you know college football fucking stinks It's like the playoffs have been great except when Ohio States gets in there He gets fucking destroyed like more like nine times out of ten God, I love trash in Ohio State. I Don't even I don't even not like the program. It's just their fans are such whiny cunts You know as I whine about field goals for fucking 20 minutes on this podcast Yeah College football stinks. What are you fucking you're talking about? I

Love college football. They still kick field goals and balls Kids some people do So anyway, that is my recap as a non-athlete Oh, by the way, I went to the road when I went to the Rose Bowl yesterday. We didn't go to the game That's the new thing that we do. We just go to the tailgate and just realized at the end of the day what we really enjoyed was the tailgate and I know that was an amazing game yesterday, but like, you know, that was Utah's first fucking time ever being at the Rose Bowl Do I really need to go buy four of those tickets or can four more people from Utah go, you know?

All right, Bill, let's not make yourself the hero here The reality was you wanted to sit on a golf course smoke as many cigars as you could need brisket That's exactly what I wanted to do while a stealth bomber flew right over our fucking tailgate I gotta post that fucking video right now. You guys are gonna get exclusive audio of a video. How exciting is that? You just gotta hear this thing. This is the stealth bomber flying over Yeah, we'll listen to the cars because we're old here comes Sounds like a regular jet, right? What's that Southwest? Wait for it

You hear the car alarms, oh That's amazing Reality is if a Southwest jet flew that fucking law, we didn't see what that thing could do You know, I told I always tell you guys that aviation story. I heard was some guy, you know Was flying to was was on Whatever you are when you're in between Approach or departure whatever radio when you're in the in-route structure of your flight This guy, you know, he calls for an altitude check

Typical, you know Human being shit. I guess if you're at a higher altitude that means you're a fucking, you know Better pilot or something usually does because then you're gonna start pressurizing a cabin Which means you have a fucking sick-ass plane which means you have more training than people at lower altitudes I guess I guess that's how it works so Somebody heard that Somebody else flying and they knew that this guy was just peacocking about how he was at like 14,000 feet

So some commercial person just did an altitude check You know Whatever somebody they were like 18,000 and then somebody else gets in on it. They're like whatever 30 something thousand and you think that's the end of it and for whatever reason this is a I don't know if this is true Because I would think they'd be on like some military frequency But somebody flying like the stealth bomber Called in and they were up at like I don't know what they were at But all I know is the the height that they fly like above 60,000 feet of some shit

When they take off from St. Louis when they get up to altitude they were saying that they can see like Denver, Colorado, Vegas and Los Angeles and the ocean then they make a right turn and they can literally see as they're flying up You know, San Francisco, San Jose, Sacramento Portland and Seattle are just way off in the distance and then they go up and they fly back. I mean how fucking Insane is that can you imagine being in the front of that cop pick just sitting there looking at that I Just want them to take one flat earth or up there just to see that They would blame the windshield they put us they put a fish-eye windshield

On it. Why am I making the person southern like there's no flat earthers in the north dude? You know what they did they had an effect. It's a fish-eye lens like beastie boys used to use for their videos That's all they did, you know, I knew it. They knew I knew it. That's why they landed early Anyway So we hung out and we had a little TV and a generator so we watched the game And we just had like a fucking blast man, and I gotta tell you the Utah people I don't we got there a little later, too So I got to like sleeping because I went out with my wife the night before

You know, it's a little New Year's thing mashed up or whatever young kids not masked up They know they're gonna beat it. They don't give a fuck. Let's kill some old people. Let's let's free up some corner offices Let's make this college degree be worth something. I get it. I get it. Go out there kill some people young people do it do it Before every summer is nothing but a giant fire All right, and with that happy fucking news I am recording right now 1059 a.m. Pacific Coast time so the NFL games have just started and You know I'm recording a few of them so I'm not gonna be talking NFL here

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Com slash burr spell it out ZIP REC R U I that's what's gonna get you you I T E R the smartest way to hire U I That reminds me that bowler talking shit. Who do you think you are? I am It's one of the greatest things ever Just wanting to talk shit knowing you got the camera and you got nothing he just he just plowed through it Who do you think you are? I am All right, so one of the things that I've been talking to people about

You know as The world seemingly gets crazier and crazier or is it just that you're online? Listening to people who aren't that smart who are scaring the shit out of you or are you arguing with a Russian bot? You know, I really believe all you have to do To get a job in Russia in the government is to be able to write in English Welcome to Biden's America or If you can type well, you can blame the Trump administration for all Trump administration be a little truck You can blame Trump for that one. That's all you need to do and you will get at least 40 to 50 Americans

typing in capital as And just wasting their fucking afternoon hating each other more and more All right, what I want to do is I want to get on Russian Instagram Then I want to start trolling them, but how do you troll people that live under a dictator? Well, you can thank Vladimir Putin for that and they're gonna be like, yeah, or da I mean, that's Really don't have choices

People in Russia, I don't want to get anybody in trouble all right If you're listening over there, but how funny are those fucking Vladimir Putin scoring goals on the ice? Jesus Christ I love after he shoots it. I love the three-second delay by the goalie before he flops and tries to lift up his leg Oh Christ, they're probably gonna send some Russian whore over here to send some fucking poison mist on the side of my neck When I'm on the elliptical Do you know what the locker room is? Uh, no, I can't do a Russian accent

There you go. I can at least do the spray sound um You must help me uh dictator rules for fatty. So I've been asking people what they would do If they were a dictator um I would do a bunch of fucking shit that people wouldn't like but it would be I I feel it would be good for everybody You know and if that right there isn't The most cliched statement made by anybody who wants to be a dictator

I'm gonna do a bunch of shit that no one wants me to do but it's gonna be good for him I know it's good for all of you All right I would be like this is why I would also fail because I watched that video on how power works And people are just all about money So you'd have to fucking eliminate money. How do you eliminate money? Let's go back to the barter system I don't know what happens human beings are just flawed. Okay in a perfect world as a dictator all right, I would uh

I would go environment I'd go education And I'd go, uh, and then also animals Well, that's animals are also part of the environment I watched this fucking video the other day this guy went to the grocery store his fish tank was empty and he was thinking uh About you know, what new petty one and he saw all these lobsters sitting in uh Sitting in the in the in the little tank there and he decided to get one and just have it as a pet

And when he took you know the rubber band off and that little thing that they stick in there I thought the things claws would immediately come out. They didn't They were all fucking atrophied like you know when you get frozen shoulder because you don't Keep moving your arms or whatever because you have a fucking rotator cuff issue Had the same thing and this guy like basically rehab this lobster back Because it was sitting in fresh water and it hadn't been fed or anything And uh, he started feeding it and then he had this little rubber tube That he would stick down there and let him

It is left claw opened and closed but his crusher one On the right wasn't working um I didn't realize how many fucking arms those things had They're like little dock ox and you just see the thing and you see how excited it is to be alive and feeling better and everything And I just I just so fucking wrestle with that About is going vegan The right way

You know And then but then you just go on and you just look and see what animals do to each other How everybody is predator or prey? And how he got a bunch of shit out there with flat fucking teeth like people And they have no claws. They just have hooves. They give them horns All right, they get fucking horns like that guy in the upper deck He's to sell those big stupid plastic horns when I was a kid and you go to a football game and they'd just be some guy I'll tell you

In the upper deck, you know, where are all those things? They're all in the fucking ocean So Yeah, you can all these flat teeth things that maybe they get horns or maybe they can hop or run fast Or whatever and they're just their job is to just fuck and make more of them So these these murderers have something to eat You know and I have to say the most

Humane animal out there Is the big cats All right The big cats Because they just go right for your throat They fucking choke you out and it's over and if you listen to any of these UFC fighters If they have the option of getting knocked out or choked out they all pick getting choked out You know, I guess if you're getting eaten afterwards, you don't give a shit if you're knocked out

But like they just fucking kill you and then they eat you Unlike fucking One of those goddamn giant fucking live Komodo dragons Or bears At least an alligator will fucking drown even that thing will start to eat you alive. It doesn't give a shit, right? So anyway, so I I always wrestle with this stuff But we really see like, you know, I watched a guy over the last year This is some big-time white people shit, right?

I watched a fucking guy become friends with an octopus in an ocean And I'm never eating octopus again I'm never eating a fucking octopus again. All right, that's it. I can't do it. All right, and then Um Even if I go to Italy And that's the greatest octopus I ever had because I was in fucking Rome. It was unbelievable I'm never I'm never eaten octopus again And then I watched this documentary this guy

He nurses this this He rehabs This this lobster And the thing's having a ball then I was thinking like well get another one so it's not lonely Then I was like, well, I don't know if they would then go at it You have to see one of them want to be called this this lobster Leon I want Leon to die or whatever but I don't know

I can never you know and then And you have a brisket though, but it tastes so fucking good, you know, it's like what what do I do here? I think I'm gonna I've been want to do this for a while go like two out of three meals vegetarian And then like one dead chicken right Chickens is another one man you watch these documentaries the way they went the fuck they do a Kentucky fried chicken Snip their beaks off. They you know people like breast meat So they fucking got them all roided up, you know

Looking like they played for the Oakland A's in the late 80s, right? And they can't even walk because they're fucking tipping over I remember one time I watched that you are what you eat and I got all freaked out and I tried to go around Los Angeles, right? We're all the twinkle toes fucking yoga people healthy people are I was trying to find a fucking healthy chicken A regular chicken a real free-range chicken and I finally found one And the guy goes that's a chicken I go that's a chicken. That's not a pigeon. That's not a Cornish hand You couldn't believe how fucking small this thing was so, um I don't know. We're getting back to the dictator thing. So I would uh

Yeah, I would just make you know I would have once a month would be junk food day All right, and my whole cabinet Would have all the fucking junk food under lock Like JFK right before you put the embargo on Cuba. He ordered like 1500 fucking Cuban cigars

So they could sit there smoking and buy the pool After somebody bags Marilyn Monroe, right and then meanwhile all of us are fucking, you know Having a drive up to canada Here's my thing on canada. I don't think Cuba respects canada I don't think they give them the best Cubans You know, I think I really believe that the best Cubans go to like england and israel Okay, they want somebody with skin in the game. Canada is too fucking nice So when they have a batch that isn't that good, they go, let's send it to canada. They're not going to complain

all right But england and israel you got to think well these people might bomb us I Swear to god every time I smoke a Cuban cigar that somebody got from england and like first of all Cuban cigars in general You know, even if they are fucking really don't smoke. It's like trying to fucking, you know It's like a chocolate malt or something You got a little stir straw from a for a chick drink trying to like get it's just the most frustrating thing ever um

Anyway So I would do that And I'd have people, you know, I would I would somehow if there's a way to do this by the way If there's a way to have local farmers be able to feed can local farmers feed seven billion people probably not Well, then I don't want to watch people starve to death so I'd have to figure out how many people they could feed And then I got to start making cuts like a fucking NFL coach in the beginning of august

All right, so we have junk food junk food johnny day once a month It's a 12 months out of the year You just get and that's like a holiday right It's a holiday I already have you you're only working three day weeks All right, but you're fucking you're going hard for three days All right, you work a 12 hour day a 12 hour day

No a 13 a 13 and then a 14 on wednesday And then you have a four day fucking weekend every fucking weekend With nothing but good food to eat except for once a month You get junk food you get to go down and you get fucking junk food for that whole four day fucking weekend And whatever you want to have fucking pizza and all of that shit Am I really going to make people only eat pizza once a month? I would get overthrown. All right pizza is there's a few exempts Pizza being one of them pizza is the food of the people I gotta I gotta let me I gotta work this shit out

all right And then I decide how many people regular farmers can grow organic food for Um, and then the rest of them got to go All right And uh, you know, there'll be certain criterias People that walk around with something funny written on their t-shirt done. You're dead. You're gone You're out of here. All right people that dress like it's a different period than it is. You're gone You know, you're walking around dressed like a blacksmith, you know, you get the fuck out of here

All right That's it. We would send you for re-education meaning we're killing you Um, so whatever that's just the beginning. I'm just scratching the surface Um, women who say my heart breaks for You know, so they don't make the tragedy still not about the tragedy. It's about them and their feelings. They're gone All right That's it I'm kind of running out of people here. I don't get me down

A couple hundred thousand right there So Then everybody's got to start fucking help cleaning up the ocean All right Airplanes have to become electric All right, and then also they don't end up in those graveyards You have to keep upgrading them like they do with the cars in cuba Same thing with like teslas and whatever electric car that new fucking ford lightning

All of that shit you just keep fixing them like they do on gas monkey garage rather than throwing them out Or having them all pile up and recycling actually works Right and people are nice to people. I'm trying to create a utopia um And then that's it and I'd get rid of the uh, the last thing I would do it as a dictator. I'd get I'd get rid of the um The uh, what do they call it the luxury tax in baseball? That's it and when the yankees win the world series you're not allowed to say in all is right in baseball Okay

Because that's fucking stupid all is not right in baseball. They want why isn't all is right when when fucking the cubs win it All is right in baseball because now the cubs fans finally get to know what it feels. No, no That's like the yankees winning a world series and saying and all is right in baseball Is like watching some fatty eat his fifth fucking hamburger in a row and being like and all is right It's fucking chucky cheese or whatever All right, so anyway Oh, I would also yeah, I I'd uh Yeah, I'd overthrow the fucking banks and the fucking oil companies. We would just go in like michael corleone

Or was it corleone? I don't know and they would just all get whack like fucking mo green That's it That's it Okay at the end of the day they're only bankers Okay, so all I need to do is just get their security team on my side By promising them pizza organic food And the fact that all is not going to be right if the yankees win the yankees win congratulations, but all is not right Okay, and then the lakers actually have to draft a championship team

The cults can't whine anymore. This is gonna be, you know, I'm a dictator. It's gonna be tipped towards boston sports here Okay, I'm sorry. It just it is what it is um All right, so here's so everybody, uh, I want you guys to tell me what you do as a dictator All right dictator rule for fatties Hey, billy pink nips, uh, here. Oh, here's a rule. I would implement implement if I were a dictator All airline ticket prices are calculated by weight the heavier you are the more you pay. Well, I'll tell you airlines would love that Because uh, that does take up more jet fuel

Uh, when you buy your ticket online you enter your weight You get your ticket based. Oh my god. Can you imagine all these people fucking crying? You know, and then they realize there's no place to cry anymore because there's a dictatorship And the dictator controls the internet, um, you get your ticket based on the weight you entered Then the day you travel when you check in you have to weigh yourself on the luggage scale If you're you're heavier than the weight you entered you pay the difference Well, what if you're significantly heavier and you know that the person lied Do they get offed right there?

It's my question. Anyway, if you're lighter you get a discount bags have to weigh a certain amount because of fuel cost Why not people? I have several more dictator ideas, but I'm putting them in a new novel So I can't send them to you. Love the red rock show. You crushed come to utah, please. All right I like that We can't just go after the fatties. What about sociopaths? and uh You know pedophiles Uh dictator, uh, dear billy red rocks. I am writing in to present my campaign for my dictatorship

I was actually debating calling the special that billy red rocks dean delray told me that call it billy red rocks And I was like, should I do that my wife goes don't do that. Don't do that. I got it's kind of funny But then how funny is it if even the listeners guess that joke? I got to do better Uh, am I I am right? So now I'm just gonna be live at red rocks clever Um, I'm writing in to present my campaign for my dictatorship which consists of two points I would immediately eradicate the robo calls you get for car insurance Or whatever or whatever mainly because they annoy the hell out of me This would be my scheme to get the public on my side for what I implement next

In my policy. I love that See, this is a smart dictator little bread and circus This is where you get the people that go. Yeah They get on your side Uh, number two, this is this is this is what I think it's going to get a little stricter. I would make dueling legal dueling legal across the board That's fucking hilarious If you feel you've been wronged in any way you have the legal right to challenge the other people to a duel

And should they accept you would be allowed to decide how to duel and then potentially kill each other There must be at least one witness to each party Should neither combat and die the duel is a draw and any further action taken would be subject to local laws Dude, this is the most entertaining way to thin the population They should be televised televised duels and then there would be even more duels because people do anything to get on tv I I might hey listen. I got a tip my napoleon Bonaparte hat to you or whatever I give you two fucking

Vladimir Putin's on that one thumbs up Or what do they do they clasp their hand and they shake it to the side of their ear And you know bummed out. I am that we're gonna get in a fucking battle with russia again. What are we doing? Hey, fuck I live russia vodka hockey tough people. I mean then what's what the fuck is the problem? Jesus fucking christ What are we mad at that they're doing what the fuck with oh you fucking cunt You fucking cunt You fucking goddamn

What the oh, I thought it went out. I didn't go out. What happened? I think my headphones went out. Wait a second. Am I still going? It looks like it's still going. Yeah, it is It just crapped out and then all of a sudden it came back All right, whatever. Anyway, I don't understand why we're upset at russia. It's like stop doing what we're doing We do that all the time All right, we're gonna go in places where we don't belong and take shit over and kill people then why can't they? Um, I'm sure it's a little more complex than that. Anyway, um Or better yet, why can't both of us just stay the fuck home and leave other people alone?

All right So anyway, should Should a combatant be killed in the duel the victor would be safe from any Further legal action taken from the losing participant side i.e. If you legally shoot someone in self defense, you can still be sued civilly By the family This would not be the case in my regime. Oh, okay Well, if you shoot somebody in self defense, why can you why I guess you can still be sued because they're gonna because there's less burden of proof

That's so dumb. Um Anyway, but what i'm seeing is, you know, they've never they've never televised paintball You know because I think at the end of the day, it's just not interesting enough to watch people saying ow ouchy ow Are you cheated? you know, but imagine if This was like the x-game version of paintball where people actually fucking died You know, I don't know what you would call it

Shooting each other, I don't know Comedy bang bang, um, I would also allow inmates in prison to request a trial by combat Where they or someone who Or someone who agrees to fight for them would fight a state sponsored opponent. Should the person die They die. Should the prisoner win? They are cleared of all charges. All right. That gets a little fucking crazy for me I was with you. I was really with you until that part You're gonna let a child molester kill somebody from the fucking state and then they get to go frat I don't I don't think about that

But whatever there's a lot of fucking holes in my shit too. All right, carlin's agenda It fucking went out again. Wait a minute. Is this just the screen going out? It is the screen's going out. Oh my god. This thing is it's getting old I Gotta get a new olympus ls 100 um, all right carlin's agenda Dear billy for the ages. I'm really tired of watching people co-opt george carlin's comedy for their own political bias

Oh, dude, you're preaching to the choir I have people going. Do you know what carlin would think about your fucking stance on masks? He'd be rolling over in his grave. It's just like, well, what do you what do you think he'd be thinking about? What do you think he'd be thinking if you were speaking for him? After he was dead What other dead comics do you speak for? What are you fucking whoopee goldberg and ghost you channeling these people? Anyway, carlin went after things he thought were bogus not things that didn't align with some tribal shit. He was attached to

All right, somebody understands george carlin beautiful I see liberals use his videos to promote this listen to the establishment the government Is never wrong bullshit um All right, I gotta tell you that that that whole sentence is is bullshit all right first of all conservative people also use it You know this person was trashing me about not wearing saying to wear masks

And then also liberals do not think that the government is never wrong They think the government is wrong if the person in government is wearing a red tie The way conservatives think the government is wrong if the person is wearing a blue tie You know Am I right? Anyway, there are hours of carlin trashing fake liberals who talk like they care about the world But don't he went hard at the use of native americans when it emerged as some righteous alternative to indians Yes, something you brought up recently on the podcast. Yes

He also went hard at the military industrial complex something that is supported by both sides That's also right. He went hard at racism. He hated modern liberals for all their censorship Throughout the 80s and religious conservatives in the 90s, which came from reagan era politics. Yes in 20 years I see someone saying bill burr hated blank without going after both sides Which are really one and the same at this point. I'm going to slap them in the face with the dead fish um No, that already happens to anybody who even remotely posts a video as people Are already everybody is acting like their own little news channel

And they are spinning shit and clipping stuff to make it Part of their agenda the amount of times people have taken one of my jokes and said see what he's saying here And they are 100 wrong and they're not even going like politically so um yes People do that to carlin shit all the fucking time They do that and they walk around with uh

Who's that cuban guy che cavarro? They had those t-shirts for a long time. They uh, who else is another big one? um nostradamus People like to quote him a lot You know to make themselves seem deeper Kurt vonnegut was big in the alternative comedy scene There was a while there for about 18 months to two years where it was big For an alternative comic to tag a joke with and so it goes and so it goes

you know And I used to always think like you know, there's a difference between being kurt vonnegut and quoting kurt vonnegut So don't quote the guy and i'm supposed to be like, oh my god. Did you read the book that everybody else fucking read? Accidentally insulted girlfriends bald brother-in-law Oh my god, I love this already bill thinks he's better than me bur And I do better than all you motherfuckers That right there is when you know somebody's sad It's when they think they're better than you because they need to do that

Okay, i'm speaking from experience. It's why I always talk down to you guys and I will never stop talking down to you despite My academic record I've been seeing this girlfriend for about four months now And she invited me to come to her family christmas celebration I already met her mom dad and sister, but I never met her sister's fiance Flash forward everything's going well

We had got done with dinner and we were all sitting in the living room watching a christmas special. Oh my god. This is perfect When I some when I said something I probably shouldn't have Uh her sister's fiance is about 25 and balding and when I say balding I mean he's got it bad Nothing on top, but the sides are bushy Bright orange hair. Well, that's not balding. That's bald He wears a hat all the time But he took it off and got off the couch

Before I could even think I said lieutenant dan you ain't got no hair Everyone went quiet for a bit then like the champ that she is She started laughing and playing it off like it was nothing Oh your girlfriend did but afterward She told me that he was very self-conscious about being a 25 year old bald ginger. Well, who wouldn't be What should I do to fix it? Should I apologize or act like nothing happened? Since you're a bald ginger cunt

I Figured you'd have some insight. That's fuck dude. That was the longest fucking way to insult me and that was great Go fornicate yourself. I have to fucking look up that reference lieutenant dan. You ain't got no hair. What is that from? Lieutenant dan You ain't oh you ain't got no legs Oh, that's from forest gump You First of all

You're fucking hilarious. That's a great fucking reference Did you say it like lieutenant dan you ain't got no hair? Wow Okay, i'm calling bullshit On your whole before I knew what happened Before I could even think I just said that no you're a cunt and you knew what you were doing All right Yeah, you're a fucking cunt

Okay, but still what you said was hilarious and he should have laughed it off Uh, but you're not a total cunt because you actually feel bad But I don't if you actually feel bad because you hurt the guys feeling you know There's the jews say you're a mensch right There's the gentiles say you're a fucking good shit Uh, but if you're just doing it because your girlfriend hasn't been fucking you lately, then you're a cunt um

All right, what should I do to fix it? Should I apologize or act like nothing happened? um Oh, that's a tough one It makes it tougher because he's a redhead Why does he have it all bushy just shave your fucking head man people will think you know some jujitsu Maybe he should do that man Look, I don't know what I don't know how you fix that. I don't think you can't fix it

um What are you gonna say Sorry, I said you ain't got no hair like force gump in front of everybody during the holidays while watching a christmas special I mean how the fuck Because he knows everybody's laughing about it afterward um Only thing I can give advice to is the bald ginger cunt. Maybe you fucking Just play him this

Play him this fucking uh You know play him this podcast shave your head buddy get in fucking ridiculous shape Get shredded And that's it and you know what you'll grow into your bald head It won't be as weird as in your 30s And then you've already dealt with the worst thing that can happen to a guy when he's aging Other than fucking getting a terminal disease. You've already fucking dealt with it when you shave your head Ladies find it confident

They find it as the confidence opposed to combing it over or fucking you know Reappropriating shit from the back of your head and then walking around with that 90210 haircut for the rest of your fucking life um Or you could go that route You could go there. You know what I got one for you. I this is how you fix it. Fuck. I got the best one ever I got the best one ever. I swear to god if this fucking recorder crapped out on me No, it's still going. All right I got it. I have it. All right

We'll start I will I will fucking Put some money towards this and I will we'll do a we'll do a go fund me That won't have his name. We'll all know what it is It's the lieutenant dan go fund me All right, you find where the best hair transplant people are out there and and and collectively Between my listeners and me. We'll get him a fucking hair transplant How about that? Does that work let me know

That would be amazing if that became my charity, you know, some people save the whales And then I could be the spokesperson and still be bald so I'd look selfless selfless, you know And I'd be like the martyr and he never took the time to do it for himself All right airplane graveyard, this is the last thing here. I really hope that my fucking recorder has not fucking crapped out It hasn't if for some reason Oh, I know what it's it's going into screensaver mode God, I am stupid

All right airplane Jesus bill that was even bad for me. All right If I can just save one bald ginger. All right airplane airplane graveyard Hi bill Um listening to your podcast where you talk about flying up to victorville and seeing all those jumbo jets I fly drones and actually flew up At the airplane graveyard up in the mojave desert. It got some epic shots of those planes Hey, tell me where that is. I want to fly up there. Here's the link to my video on my youtube channel share if you enjoy it

I absolutely will I'm gonna I'm gonna send that link. I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna send that link And I'm also gonna send you guys the I'll post the the lobster thing. I'm also gonna Post the fucking The flyover and then also I'm gonna help out that guy if he wants to get a hair transplant All right, me and my listeners will help him out and he can do it totally anonymously Totally fucking anonymously, which means the cunt that said dan Lieutenant daniel you ain't got no hair um

Which Jesus christ is so fucking funny on its own forget about that you did it at your girlfriend's family house To what could be your future brother-in-law While watching a christmas special, I mean that's just fucking aces, but we're gonna we're gonna wrong that right Um That's it. All right, that's the podcast happy new year to everybody. I hope you have a happy great year Get out of your own goddamn way as davie lech says, um, which by the way He has a whole new added thing if you want to get better at drums davie lech get out of your own way Look up look that up. He hasn't on his website

Sorry the hiccup and burping and everything here um That's it. That is a podcast go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on thursday