Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-30-12

Episode Date: January 31, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about his truck, the Super Bowl, and the incoordination of adult women.

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Information and information on bmw.be Podcast from Monday. Why the fuck is it only in one ear? What the fuck is with this? I swear to God. You know what? I'm putting it out there. I want, I want an assistant. Alright? And I know what you're thinking. Oh, I'm good with computers.

Fuck you and your computers. I want another, I want a whole other level. I'm putting this out to the fucking CIA. I want a goddamn clone to start doing this. A clone who's funny and knows how to work this shit. Why is it only in one fucking ear? Hello, hey, what's going on? Alright, fuck it.

We're gonna roll with it. Oh, you know what, Bill? You could stop and listen back to it to see if it sounds okay. You could do that. You know, do you have that ability? Or do you just plow through regardless of whether it's working for you in life or not? I think this is a reoccurring theme. What's going on?

Bill Burr, it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, January 30th, 2012. As you can see, I'm a little bit grumpy. Kind of in a grumpy mood. Despite the fact I finally have a chair down here in this room. Is it really gonna cut in and out like this? Oh, I see, it's the headphone wire. So everything else is fine, right? Is that what it is?

Like, I need some new fucking headphones, mate. Come on, man, don't fucking do this to me. The whole fucking podcast, I'm gonna sit here and feel like I'm underwater. Let's see if we just do it like that. What if we move it over here? Can you believe that this passes off as a fucking podcast that you guys are actually listening to me? Doing the sound check. Right there, there's a minute 45.

You'll never get back. I just figured I'd say that before somebody emailed it to me. With, you know, hashtag epic fail. You know, somehow they never feel like their level of failure. The fact that you would actually sit here and listen to this horseshit. Hey, speaking of failure, I actually went on to YouTube. And I know everybody's seen these a zillion times. You know what I love?

Compilation, you know. Fail videos of 2010, 2011. And I was watching those last night. Just laughing my ass off, just having a good time. Where are you, Bill? Is there any that you can remember? Not really. A lot of face plants.

A lot of people taking it in the nuts. And I'll tell you, I can't believe what it takes to break your fucking neck. Because everybody was like doing backflips and then like water skiing on their face, like landing on their face and sliding three feet on their face. And you're thinking, there's no way that guy's getting up. And every time they get, they get right back up. This is something that I've noticed about the ladies is a lot of them, because they spent their whole fucking lives trying to attract a man

who invariably is going to disappoint him because he's a fucking idiot, because he has a dick, right? They spent so much time poofing their hair and painting up their goddamn faces, you know, like some kabuki clown getting out of a goddamn Volkswagen, that a lot of them have the coordination of like a three-year-old. You know, I'm not talking about the athletic ones, the ones that throw like dudes, you know, have a little grunting there. You get a new girlfriend, you didn't realize, yeah, you only played high school softball,

oh, that's cool, you know, let's go outside and play catch, right? She's easy to see it, she's already fucking amped up, you know, she gets out there. She's got that look in her eye, her fucking nipples are hard, she's ready to go. And you're out there going, oh, you know, it's a lady, let's be easy. See, you toss her one, you know, borderline underhanded, trying to respect her VJJ, right? She's got a vagina, not too hard, you love it over there and then she throws it back and gets a little grunting there, pops your mitt, makes your hands sting a little bit, makes you a little bit nervous, right?

What the fuck am I going with? I'm not talking about women like that, I'm talking about, you know, oh my God, you guys, that's so mean. Look at the Christmas lights, oh, I love Christmas. Ooh, look at the doggy. That girl, those, when they fall off fucking tables, or whatever the fuck they're going on rope swings, like when they fall, they look like a fucking toddler, you know, like toddlers don't realize, they don't know enough to put their hands out to protect their face,

or they just fall like a fucking sack of potatoes. Those are my favorite videos, because it's usually good looking women, you know, they're good looking. So they know that all they got to do is just do that kabuki thing. If every day they just fucking wake up, take one of those giant powdered things and slam their face with it, paint their lips red like a goddamn bullseye, that, you know, much to a lot of people should grin, most of their dreams are going to come true. Are they going to come true? You know? What is with the red lipstick, everybody?

I used to think it was because your lipstick, you know, sort of a red, but it's a muted red. You know, it's an old school TV red, as opposed to the high def HD fucking sticky dick in here, red that the lipstick is, you know, I'm officially an old bastard. You know, this is one, and for all you youngsters out there, this is when you're going to know that you're old. First of all, you're going to stutter uncontrollably, for no apparent reason. But beyond that, this is how you're going to know you're old, is when you get to that age where you can't tell if somebody is a hooker,

or if they work at the, basically like a library or something. Goddamn it, I should have a better example. I can't tell the difference between a girl going out to the club or a girl walking down the street sucking dick for 20 bucks a pop, you know? Because I've been old long enough that, you know, my idea of what a whore is, the whores of my generation already have kids who are like 18, 19, 20 years of age. All right? So now they're rebelling against their whore of a mother from the 80s, early 90s.

So they have to outdo what she did. And in the process, they dressed like hookers dressed when I was coming of age. I'm telling you, when I'm out here and I drive down Hollywood Boulevard, where all the club scene is, you know, gee, Bill, why do you go that way? There's all kinds of traffic, because I want to look at the ladies, right? They're all out there. I'll tell you what's in now, thick thighs, thank God, about fucking time.

Now, when I was a kid, like women, they all had those skinny fucking legs, you know, those little Chihuahua legs, you know, and they have fucking mustard-colored pumps from the 80s, remember those girls? Now, all of a sudden, it looks like this whole generation's been doing squats. It's looking pretty good to me. So anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? Oh, I was talking about why I was, I mean, I have no idea where that thought came from. What the fuck did I end up on mustard pumps?

I can't back it up. My brain doesn't go that way. You know, I just have to keep going forward, which is why I'm sitting here with the podcast only going into my left ear and not my right ear. But you know what? I'm not like you feel bad for me, but you know what? This has been a problem. This has been a reoccurring fucking problem, and all I do is wiggle the wires every week

and be like, okay, now it's working. You know, knowing full fucking well that something bad's going to happen, it's like ignoring the fact that, you know, the check engine light just came on. Um, oh, guys, you know, I told you I bought a truck last week. I took the fucking driver's side mirror off trying to back it into my fucking garage at two in the morning. Trying to back this thing, go, go, go, go, go, go, coming down the fucking thing. And my driveway looks like, it looks like nine people built it and had like fucking 12 different ideas.

And the garage is built, you know, house is old. So the garage is built for like a fucking Model T Ford. So it's skinny and really high. So I have a no problem with the truck fitting in from the, from the ground to the roof. But on the side, I got like a coat of paint and everybody who's come in going, dude, I don't know how the fuck you're backing that thing in here. And I'm like, well, you know, I go real slow and blah, blah, blah, but I came down at night. I was driving in at night.

I was tired and I didn't flip the garage light on. And I started backing up going, ah, fuck it. I didn't flip the garage light on. I was like, ah, fuck it. I got this. Right. I got this. I got the reverse lights.

And my truck is also a stick shift. So I got like, and this, this is the degree of difficulty. All right. It tapers down like a funnel, except not equally. You understand? Like one's coming in, say one's coming in at a 30 degree angle. The other's coming in like the other side comes in like a 45 degree angle. It's the most fucked up driveway.

I hate the fucking driveway. All right. I said it. I fucking hate it. I sit there fantasizing, figuring out how to fuck. I can fix it. And there's no way to fix it because I live in a city and right next door is my neighbor's property. There's nothing I can fucking do.

Oh, did I mention it also goes down at like a 45 degree angle and I have a stick shift. So when you get down to the bottom, obviously, you know, there could be a water issue. So they have this little like U shaped thing for the water to collect in. That's about a foot and a half, two feet wide. And then it goes back up again. And it's really steep. So the thing is, as I back in, right as you get to the garage doors, right where I'm starting to have a coat of paint, then I got to hit the gas again, let out the clutch to get it up and over that.

And I thought I was okay. And I just clipped a mirror and it fucking snapped right off. And it landed right underneath the truck. And I'm sitting there. It's two in the morning. I can't wake up, Nia. I know the fucking mirrors under the truck. I'm just and I can't get out because I can't open the doors on either side.

It's that fucking tight. So now I'm just going like, all right, please God, don't let it be underneath the truck. Maybe I'll luck out and I pull out and just here and I fucking drove over the mirror and I'm absolutely sick about it until I picked up the mirror because I thought it was the originals and it was this plastic piece of shit. So I was like, oh, fuck it. I can fix this. It's a couple of screws. Maybe I can go to a junkyard and get the originals.

Okay. So something positive came out of it. So fucking mad at myself. I should just drove in. You know what? You know why it happened? Because I was being a fucking bitch because my truck is so loud. I've been, I've been pulling it in straight.

All right. Because, because it's a pain to ask to back in because I had a couple of moments where I almost fucking took off the mirror. So I've been driving it in straight. But the thing is, is when I go to back it out, the problem is, is, you know, the engine's a little cold. I sit there. I got to warm it up, blah, blah, blah. And then I got to go up that 45 degree angle and the thing's going to fucking stall out. So I got to give it a lot of gas and it's the loudest.

It just goes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because I'm going up the fucking back of the driveway, right? Sorry about the phone. And now there's always my fucking neighbors peeking out the window with their noses all wrinkled up. So I'm like, all right, I'm the new guy in town. I don't want to piss these fucking people off. You know? So let me back in it because then, you know, I just feel like I got more control when I'm driving straight out because I can see where the fuck I'm going.

You know, when I'm backing that bitch up and I don't, I don't want it to stall out. I got to fly up the fucking driveway but go at a speed that in case somebody's coming down the sidewalk. I don't fucking run them over because my driveway is so steep I can't even fucking see them. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All the way up. So why, so why do I fucking go to back in it. What the fuck? It's fucking motherfuckers.

You know what? My goddamn phone never rings. The first week I got it down here to the side. It's going to ring every five seconds. So anyway, so the reason why basically this is what I have, this is what's killing me as a guy. Because I said, you know, it's a plastic piece of shit fucking mirror. Who gives a fuck? I'm going to get the, I'm going to somehow find the originals, okay?

What's pissing me off is that the reason I have to do this is because I was concerned about what my fucking neighbors thought. I didn't want people to look at me with wrinkled noses at my age. How pathetic is that? Is it illegal to have a loud car? I guess maybe it is. I don't know. It's just trying to be a fucking nice guy. I don't fucking know.

It's annoying the hell out of me. I give up. So if anybody knows where to find some F-100 parts for a 68, you know, if you've got a good place where I can find something like that, please give me the heads up. All right, I'd love you forever. I want to try to get the original ones that were made out of fucking metal and probably would have taken out my garage doors as opposed to tapping out like that. I was going like half a mile an hour in the side view mirror, just went, ugh, and fell off the fucking truck. You know what? I'm glad it fell off.

It's not fucking manly enough to be on that bitch. There you go. And expose the one on the other side too. Oh Christ, I'm sick. Anyways, so I'm in a grumpy ass mood already. And you know why? Because I actually got up at like five in the morning to call in the wonderful Open Anthony program, you know? I had to call them up because I got some gigs coming up in Jersey.

That's what it is. So I went on there and it only should have been like a 10 minute phone call, but it was having so much fun. I stayed on for like an hour and a half. So I was up from 5 a.m. my time to 6 30 and then went back to bed. I don't know. I'm gonna mess this week. So I don't even know, you know, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. We decided to have a fucking party for a new place.

You know, you think that was my idea? Do you think it was my idea to have a bunch of strangers come into the fucking house? I'll have people over. That's what I do. Hey, you want to come over and watch the game? Nine people that I know, right? Have all your fucking phone numbers. You know, Nia is a more open person.

So she's like, let's have a party. All right. So she goes, invite your friends. So I'm all right. So, you know, I got, you know, I'm a guy. I don't have a bunch of friends. Okay. I got six good friends for that I could really trust.

You know, it's about it. At least out here. Then over here Nia talking to her mom about all excited about the party. And she's like, yeah, I sent it on a foot Facebook. And I was just like, oh my God, did I just invite 110 people? And my heart literally sank going, please tell me you didn't just invite 110 fucking people. She's like, don't worry. They're not all going to show up.

It's like, yeah, but like a third wheel. And then they're going to bring people that you don't even fucking know. And that's exactly what happened. It was a fucking great party. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got to admit, like I got to learn how to. I thought I was going to be a good host. I wasn't. I wasn't.

I was all right with the people I knew, but the people I didn't know. Actually, most of them were all right, but there were a couple of them that I just found. I just said, there's something fucking annoying about somebody you don't know sitting on your goddamn couch. You know, eating your food, drinking your booze. And you're like, who the fuck are you? And somebody else was laying down on the floor. I felt like the kid's dad.

I want to get him get a fucking job. All right, it's over. You're 26. You fucking bum. So anyway, so the party's going great. And I'm basically the whole time, you know, not drinking too much, but I'm standing by the front door because that's the only way out. All right.

And nobody's walking out with any of my shit. Right. I'm acting basically like psycho in fucking stripes. It's how I am. It's how I'm wired. All right. So fucking three quarters away through the party, everything's going great. And I'm like, well, this is, you know what I forgot?

I forgot I'm not 21 anymore. I'm fucking 43. All my friends are adults and everybody's drinking responsibly and no one's really hammered. Nothing got broken. Everything's cool. So start just as I was starting to relax. Some kid comes up to me. He's like, yeah, you own the house.

And I'm like, well, the bank owns it. I'm fucking paying it off. What can I do for you? And he's like, yeah, it's kind of embarrassing, but I use the bathroom downstairs and it's clogged now. And I was wondering if you had a plunger. And I was like, yeah, I do have a plunger. I got a plunger right here.

The upstairs bathroom. So I give it to the guy and I say, man, I appreciate your honesty. He goes, no problem. He goes downstairs. He takes care of it. Comes back. Once again, he goes, he goes, sorry about that. I said, not at all.

What the fuck? It's a toilet, you know, clogs up every once in a while. But I appreciate your honesty, you know, because I would have been nasty. Good for you. Right? So now the couple of hours goes by, the party ends, and there's like one straggler left and I tell the story to me. I'm like, you know, what a good guy.

What a good shit. No pun intended. You know, we could have left it in there and then the other party I come walking in my fucking bathroom looks like a goddamn Port Authority bus station toilet, you know. So I was psyched. So one of the stragglers at the party goes, yeah, he goes, I saw that whole thing go down. That's not exactly how it went down. I'm like, what are you talking about?

He goes, he goes, it wasn't him that was in the bathroom. And I go, who was it? He goes, it was his girlfriend. Some lady took a dump of a magnitude that it wouldn't go down the toilet. So now she's in there panicking. And this is when today's technology kicks in. Back in the day, she would have had to crawl out the fucking window and hope nobody saw her and just left the door locked.

Everybody would have panicked. Holy fuck, who's in there? Did somebody pass out? Did somebody commit suicide? Someone would have kicked in the door. All right. Knocked it off the fucking goddamn hinges and you go in there. There'd be nobody in there.

You'd feel the air from outside and then look down and everyone would see a giant shit and be like, ah, the party would be over. And the owner of the house would be walking around going, who did it? Which one of you motherfucking, Jerry? Did you clog up my toilet, you motherfucker? You better drive away, right? That's how it would have ended. But because of today's technology, I'm not saying she didn't panic.

You know, it's even worse as a lady because they're not even supposed to do stuff like that. Right? And she was able to text her boyfriend and I would fucking pay at least $400 to read those texts, the panic in those texts. And to his credit, he fucking, he stepped it up. He took the hit. He came up to me.

VH1's, I love the 80s, own Bill Burr and said, I took a dump in your toilet to a magnitude down. And I need the tools required to alleviate this situation. So anti douchebag of the week, that guy right there. So taking a fucking bullet for the team. That, that right there is the reverse Peyton Manning award. He didn't fucking go. We had protection issues.

Right? No, he took one. He took one for the fucking team. Went upstairs like a goddamn gentleman. Asked for a plunger, gave it to him. And it was all fine. And I went down there at the end of the party. You never would have known anything, anything happened.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, three hours after the Kennedy assassination, I bet it was, it was all, I'm saying, you know, marked it all up and everything was all figured out. I bet it was a nice road again. Mopped up the brains. What am I talking about? Anyways, this is the podcast for, what is it? January 30th?

Fucking goddamn payments due again. Why did I do this? I was debt-free, everybody. I was living a debt-free life and now I'm back on the wheels. Right where that fucking banker cunt wants me. Anyways, let's break into the, we got some advertising this week, everybody. As always, on the Monday morning podcast, if you're going to buy anything off Amazon.com this week, just go to billburr.com, click on the podcast.

You'll see the window on the right-hand side underneath the iTunes banner and just click on that. If you go to amazon.com through billburr.com on the podcast page, I will get credit for driving traffic there. It's a great way to contribute to the podcast and 10% of all proceeds will go to the Wounded Warriors Project and, you know, we're doing all right off of that. So I want to thank all you guys. And I was actually talking to my advertising guy, you know, about all of this and I'm going,

you have to fucking let me know, you know, all the numbers and all that type of shit because I'm not going to be one of these fucking guys that gets busted on one of those investigative reporting shows. And he said it was going to the Wounded Warriors Project. 10% turns out it was only two. And I'm fucking standing there all sweating. Well, you know, I drink a lot and I was trying. I don't want to be that guy.

So I want to make sure every last goddamn dime. I might even fucking go 11%. So it keeps you the fucking pricks away from me. So anyways, we have some more, I got some more advertising this week. Once again, everybody, we're almost into February and you know what that means. It's Valentine's Day, right? And it's a day for the ladies. Despite the fact you're both in the relationship, only the guy is for some reason has to buy

the woman something for the life of me. I can't figure it out. It has got to annoy you on some level as a guy, right? Like the whole thing is just like, oh, you should just be happy. Why don't you celebrate that you're with me? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of guy date around here like Sadie Hawkins Day? Isn't there one day where they should go out and get you some flowers and a fucking 12-pack something?

Maybe they take the hit that month on the cable bill and pay for the fucking NBA or NHL channel? Maybe they could do that? Can I tell you something, ladies? That would be, that would be, that's the guy version of a bouquet or bouquet, whoever the fuck you say it, police, police of flowers. The guy version of a bouquet. I always say bouquet, bouquet, bouquet, a fucking thing of flowers! That was literally Porky Pig's bit without stuttering.

A thing of flowers. Our version of that is if you actually make the payment for the NFL network that month. You know, it's about the same price, right? So anyways, Valentine's Day is coming up. You know what you got to do. It's all about showing your love and not pissing off your fucking girlfriend. That's what it's all about, right? So what do you want to do?

You go to proflowers.com, everybody. Just like we did last year on Mother's Day. You know, you know what's funny in the copy here, they literally have that line that all women say. What did he get you for Valentine's Day? And it says that's what her friends will be asking her and they're absolutely right. And they're going to be judging you. You know? So I don't know what else you're going to get her, but just to, just to like, this is the top of the lineup.

You lead off hitter. You go to proflowers.com. This is what's so great, you can do it at home. It doesn't require shopping. Everything that we hate. Okay. All you do is you go to proflowers.com. You type in the code named Burr.

B-U-R-R. So I get the credit. I get a little kickback. I pay off Jimmy Hoffa, right? Everything's good. And for $29.98, you get a dozen roses, plus a vase, free chocolates, and a teddy bear. $29.98. Jesus Christ.

How do they do it? $30. You get all of that. Sitting at your damn desk, you order it. All right? Oh, you can even upgrade. Long-stemmed roses for $9.99 more. Red roses are classic, romantic, all that type of stuff.

You can't go wrong with this stuff. So basically, all you got to do is you can call 800-PRO-FLOWERS and mention Burr, B-U-R-R. Or go to the proflowers.com. Click on the microphone. Oh, I forgot this part. You got to click on the microphone in the top right-hand corner and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. And then that's it.

You're all ready. You order now, and this deal is only available until Friday, February 10th at midnight. So yeah, at your desk right now, just bang it out. You got it done. And you can relax a little bit. You don't have to worry about it, you know? Then once you do after that, you go make a reservation at some sort of restaurant. And you're all good.

Right? You're all good. You're all good. Or is that not enough female listenership? You know what I want to hear from the ladies? I want to know, what the fuck are you going to do for Valentine's Day? Oh, what are you going to do for me? I told you guys what I do.

I always go out on the 15th. I'm telling you, just go out the day after. Every restaurant in town is wide open. They all got reservations, and the food is priced the way it should be. It's a good deal, just like proflowers.com. How'd you like that? Tie them both together. And I believe every goddamn word of this shit.

That's the best part. Go out on the 15th. Go out on the 13th. Don't go out on the 14th. That's like going down to Walmart the day after Thanksgiving. Why would you do it? Face pressed up against the glass. You know, at very least you're going to get your shoulder dislocated.

Right? Oh, my God. That is the worst night you could ever go out as a man with your woman. Okay? There are already so many relationships are going to end. So many women are going to be expecting rings and not get them. And on top of all that, they're all going to be all fucking competitive, looking at other couples, looking at the other women, seeing what they're wearing.

Oh, my God, I feel fat. Look at that bitch over there. Are you looking at her? You don't need it. You don't need it. Go out on the 15th. All right? Like, goddamn, lady and a gentleman, you sit down, you pay the price that it should be.

And, you know, dude, you go out on the 15th to a nice fucking restaurant. Even one of these celebrity chefs, I swear to God, three quarters through the meal, the chef's going to come out and he'll come out to your table. He's got nothing to do. He made all his money. He's in a great mood. He's fucking getting drunk. He's standing there in his food network clogs.

Right? I don't know. I don't know what you guys want from me. Oh, hey, let's talk Super Bowl. Super Bowl. Super Bowl. It's coming up. It's coming up this weekend.

I got a question for all my listeners. Why the hell are the Patriots favorites? Can anybody explain that to me? The Giants should be favorites. They should be carrying that pressure. Why are my Patriots carrying that pressure? We played the Giants this year and they beat us. All right?

How did we get to the Super Bowl? We played at Jesus Freak with a high school offense, beat him 45 to 10, right? Because he couldn't walk on the water. And the next week, can you say we won that game? We didn't. They got fucked on a call and then they missed the 32 yarder. And next thing you know, we're in the Super Bowl. Now, I understand you need luck to win a championship as much as you need skill,

but come on. All right? Meanwhile, the Giants beat Green Bay in Green Bay. They beat San Francisco in San Francisco. I mean, come on. And they already beat us. How are we two and a half, three point favors? I don't, for the life of me, I don't understand it.

I want to be the underdog. If we're the underdog, I feel like we can win. That's my thing this year. That's my gut feeling. If we're the underdog, we're going to win it. If we're the favorite, we're going to lose. I don't know why. I don't know why I feel that, but I really, I can't get a feeling for this game.

I really can't. Every time I think the Patriots are going to win, I just keep picturing Tom Brady standing on the sidelines in the beginning of the fourth quarter, just shaking his head like, when am I going to get the fucking ball back? Can somebody please tackle Brandon Jacobs? Is that his fucking name? That goddamn refrigerator with the helmet? You know?

That's the funny thing. They used to call that one guy refrigerator Perry. He didn't look like, he looked like beanbag. Like a beanbag. He didn't look like a fucking refrigerator. Why did I say beanbag twice? I was kidding who I'm fucking nervous. I don't want to lose to the goddamn Giants again,

and they're a better fucking team all the way around, other than at the quarterback position. But even then, that's close enough, I think, because Eli plays his best in the biggest games, and once again, this is going to be like, it's setting up to be an upset when the better team is actually an underdog. Fucking bullshit. We should be the underdog.

I want to be the underdog. That's what I want. Let us be the underdog, and Tom Brady will get extra fucking mad, and hopefully, despite the fact that he might spend half the game on his back, he'll be able to just will us to a goddamn victory. Alright, so that's my feeling. I have no confidence whatsoever. I'm not talking any shit, and if we win next week,

I'm not talking any shit. I'm not talking any, because that's how I do it. If I feel confident, and I talk shit, and it happens, that's when I talk shit, but I have zero fucking confidence in this game. As far as I look at it on paper, I just think they're the better team. They got a way better defense. I talked about all this shit last week. Hang on.

What's up? The lovely Nia, everybody. Who gave me the chair down here? No, I'm not done. You have a question? Okay. Alright, well, I'll talk to you in a minute. Okay.

Please leave my sanctum here. My podcasting sanctum. Goodbye. Alright, that's it. Let's get on with the podcast. This is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. I hope you're having a lovely Monday. I hope you're enjoying the Monday that you're having.

You know? Did anybody watch the Pro Bowl? Don't tell me what happened. I taped it. Worst fucking all-star game ever. It was already like a let down because no one's going to try hard because they play tackle football, right? You know, the NHL all-star game, they don't check each other.

They just sit out there. They're having a good time. They're having a laugh, as Ricky Gervais says. NBA, they're just throwing alley-oops. Nobody's playing defense, right? Nobody's wearing a cup. They're fucking dicks hanging out of their short. They don't give a fuck, right?

And then baseball. Baseball, you know, there's no brushback pitches. Probably the pitcher has it the worst because they got to go out there and actually try so they don't get shown up. Everybody else is just having a good fucking time. But the football, they, I don't know. You still got to tackle each other. So now they put it between right before the Super Bowl

so no one who's playing in the Super Bowl is going to be there. I don't know. I don't fucking like it. But I got to tell you guys this. I saw one of the most brutal sports. I've seen in my life the lingerie football league. Has anybody seen that? And first of all, with all the bitching that women do,

I don't know who the chauvinistic genius was that got this shit on the air. But Nia somehow found it. And I'm not putting that on her. I swear to God. She clicked through and she found this shit. And I sat there watching it and I'm thinking like, oh wow, women playing football and lingerie.

This is going to be sexy on some level. And I got to tell you, it was actually, I don't think I winced more watching that sport than I have any of the four major sports. It just looks really fucking painful. They're playing on like fucking Astroturf with goddamn, like Larry Bird shorts look like Magic, Michael Jordan shorts compared.

These girls got like shorts up there fucking goddamn. They got like road rash on their butt cheek. They're wearing like half shirts and every one of them has like these red burn marks on their body. It was just, I don't know. I didn't like it. I was just like, why would you do this? Do you ever think shit like that?

You know, I understand women wanting to do like, the fun stuff of being a guy. They're actually going out and getting paid a decent wage to do a job. Like it's so fucked up women make less than an hour. It really is. But you know, they can get caught up in that shit and they can start being like, listen,

we want to do everything that you do, even the dumb shit. Let's just say they gave you all the pads. Let's just say they did that. Let's just say you actually got to go out there on the field like a respectable fucking human being with actual pants on and a full shirt covered up and protected. Like why would you, why would you want to do it?

It's never going to be bigger than the NFL. You're not even going to make WNBA money. All right? Then on top of that, you're going to have your brain rattling around in your skull. You know? Why would you want to do that? There was absolutely nothing funny about that.

It was just, it was, it was just difficult to watch. How the fuck did they get that? I don't understand. You know, recently a very good friend of mine got demoted on some bullshit. You know? He was doing an interview and they asked him about women comment comics and he made some sort of comment.

And then all of a sudden this defines him as a person. You know? And he gets busted down. He goes from a sergeant, they bust him back down a couple of ranks. Somehow he gets fucked, but somehow, you know, despite the fact this guy was quoted in a major paper, I think the Washington Post,

like a year earlier going, some of the funniest people in stand-up are women. He has that quote out there in the media. Somehow that didn't balance out. Like, oh, maybe we misquoted him. Maybe we, we're not understanding what he's saying. No benefit of the doubt. That was said, go fuck yourself.

Right? That's the world we live in. Where he gets called on his shit. But fucking Kobe's wife, you know, who's stuck around those last three years so she could make money for the rest of her fucking life. That bum. Goddamn Frito debris, inner cleavage

from sitting on the fucking couch doing nothing. Nobody questions that shit. Or questions the lingerie league. There's gotta be some shit out there. Some sort of women's league complaining about that. Oh my God, we have hit a new low. I love how they always, like, that type of shit is like a new low for the exploitation of women.

But for some reason, all these gold-digging whores who are just clearly there for the money, suckin' dick for fucking money, they never have a problem with any of these divorce settlements. When was the last time one of these lady groups had a fucking problem with any of that shit? That's why I don't like these fucking groups. Alright?

They're selfish. They just give a shit about their fucking cause. And that's it. Okay? And their whole agenda is, is the cause first, truth be damned. There's no, oh, how did you mean that? Fuck you, we're burying you under the house.

That's it. Fuck you and your career. We need hits on our website. Ow, I didn't want to talk about it. I'm just fucking, I'm just upset. That was a good friend of mine. Still is a good friend of mine. And it was absolute fucking bullshit.

You know? So sick of people complaining that this unfair business was unfair to them. Alright? Go on stage and be undeniable. Alright? You do that, you're gonna be fine. Okay?

Then you don't have to worry about what's fucking between your legs. Oh, but it's hard. We have to do stuff. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Alright, man or woman, when was the last time you went on stage

and you killed so fucking hard, the show was over for the next two, the next two comics were up on stage, and they had to deal with what the fuck you just did. Okay? If you're doing that on a regular basis, you're not gonna have a problem. Alright?

If you're not doing it, I don't give a fuck. Whether you have a vagina or a dick, you have work to do. Maybe you're a writer. Maybe you're a director. Find where you're fitting in the business and you're gonna be fine.

You know? Do you think the fucking Hollywood is banging down the door to fucking book a balding redhead in his 40s? You think I don't have... You think I don't have my challenges? Look at me. 20 years in the business,

I'm sitting in a room by myself, talking to myself for a fucking hour. Where's my group? Where's my website? Where's all those fucking people gonna be outraged for the plight of the balding redhead? I can tell you right now,

it doesn't exist. So go fuck yourself. I don't have any fucking sympathy. I don't. I'm done with it. I don't believe in handouts. It doesn't help the person. It helps him for a week.

That's it. It's like that story about the guy who gave the person a fish or taught him how to fish, right? Give a man a fish. He says, hey, thanks a lot. Teach your man to fish. And he's like, I don't want to.

It's hard. I have a vagina. You know? Ladies, let me ask you a question. How easy do we have to make it to the point where you feel it's fair? That's my big fucking question. How far up, how much further up

do you get to tee off on the golf course and still write down the same score as if you are as good as the fucking poor bastard 30 yards behind you? It's fucking unreal. You go golfing with the goddamn woman. It's like every hole you go on to,

it's like you took a personal file on the last play that'll be added on to the kickoff. Right? It's just, you know, the genius of women is they're fucking organized. Guys, we're not organized. That's what the problem is. Okay?

And ever since we've been back in the day when, you know, you could fucking boot him in the ass right in public. No one would do a fucking thing. They got organized and they put a stop to that shit. And we just, we've just been going, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Okay, all right. For fucking 100 years. And now we're in this fucking situation. That no job having bum ass women can be worth $70 million. And no one even bats an eye at it. You know? This is when I'm gonna start having sympathy for women

and the goddamn plight in the world is when you have the fucking common decency to tee off from where the fuck I tee off. Okay? You want it to be equal? Back it up 30 there, sweetheart. Do you realize how quickly I, if I ever decided to run for president,

I would be one of the most, and you just, any podcast, just spin the wheel, pick any one of them in the campaign would be over. I don't know how those guys do it. Those people who fucking run for president, I have no, like, it's like, when do you get it out? You know?

And I'm not even talking like man, woman shit. I'm just talking about that, the bullshit. The fucking complaining. That all these fucking losers, you know? Winners don't complain. You know? Whatever. They shake it off.

They play the fucking game again the next day. That's what they do. Losers bitch. Wait a minute. Isn't my whole podcast just about bitching? Ah, Jesus Christ. I swear to God. I'm such a fucking moron.

Like, I don't even need anybody to debate me. Like, I actually lose in a debate by myself. Pathetic. And with that, one last piece of advertising. I didn't know how to space these things out. I have a new advertising this week. We're going to take a commercial break, everybody. I could have, like, music beds underneath this thing.

At some point, I have to be a little more professional. We have new advertisers this week. The Monday Morning Podcast would like to welcome Stamps.com. I brought this up a few weeks ago. About, you know, going down to the post office. You're standing in those unbelievably long lines. Right? And you know me.

I'm all about that. I will stand in the line at the grocery store rather than using those automated machines. I will do that. And you know why that is? But I don't like doing it at the post office because there's a bunch of grumpy people working there and you're standing in the whole damn line

and right as you get up there going, oh my God, I'm next. I'm next. They put up that little sign. Next window, please. And then they sit down and they eat their sandwich in full view. So then what do you do?

You walk over to the damn automated machine? All right. You force me over here and then there's somebody in front of you and they can't figure out how to use the thing. All right. Well, Stamps.com has the solution. All right.

This is basically what you do. You go to Stamps.com. You buy and print. This is what you can do there. You can buy and print official U.S. postage stamps. So you don't have to go to the post office anymore. They give you the paper. They hooked me up this week.

I actually have a mini post office right now in my office. I have a scale. I got the paper to print the stamps out on. I got all of it. All right. And I actually was able to figure it out and I'm a moron. All right.

It's totally convenient. You go to Stamps.com. If you go right now, there's a special offer. You enter my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R. You get a no risk trial. Plus $110 bonus offer, including a digital scale and 55 bucks worth of free postage. For a limited time only, of course.

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I don't know. I got to tell you. I actually, I can't do advertising on this podcast unless I actually use the stuff, because then I'll just feel like a total phony. And I actually, I had them. I had them send me the scale. I did the whole thing.

I sent a package out to my brother, ran the whole thing off, and I got to admit, it was actually, yeah, it was a good damn time. So that's it. I know I'm going against everything that I've said about these automated machines. I just am post office. I don't know.

Maybe do I have exceptions? Is that what it is? Am I being a sellout right now? I don't think I am. I draw the line if you're a dick. If I go down to the post office and you're a dick to me, you know? Oh, you know what I did like is you actually had the option

to buy all kinds of different stamps, because that's what I hate about the automated machine down at the post office. You kind of can only buy those American flag ones as far as I know. So I'm usually so frustrated by the time I get to it. I like going down and buying really happy, silly stamps and then mailing it out to people I hate,

like the fucking pricks who gave me my mortgage. You know? This goddamn scam. That's why I sit down here in this room with one chair and it echoes in here, because I have to pay off all that fucking money. What else am I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do?

They're taking all my money. You know? You can't just sit on the sidelines. You just can't do it. You have to participate. Or else they just come by. They turn you upside down. They shake all the fucking money out of your pockets.

Because I'll tell you right now, I've had it with the stock market. You can go fuck yourself stock market. I'm not doing it anymore. Stock market is the biggest goddamn scam ever. It's for the fucking rich. And they all get together next to a pool. You know what?

Let's just rip the rug out from underneath it in three weeks. Okay? So everybody, attention. Sell all your shit. Sell all of it. We're yanking the rug out on Thursday. No, no. Next Thursday.

Next Thursday, Rupert. Next Thursday, we're doing it. Right? Then they yank it all out. All the regular guys fall to the pavement, splat on the ground, and those rich-picked pricks come back, and then they buy low.

They've been doing it every four years since this bullshit started. You put your money in, and you can't get it out. I can't get my money out. Oh, I can get it out. They're just gonna take most of it. They're gonna give me a penalty

for taking it out early. I swear to God, all the money I have in the stock market, I don't even think about it anymore. It's like, it's gone. There's nothing I could do. It's just, you know, I don't know, I...

I wanna buy stuff that I can touch from here on out. That's what it is. I'm gonna buy precious metals. Fucking... I'm gonna buy a goddamn avocado tree, you know? That's what I want,

because it's not like some day I just walk outside, and the fucking tree's gone, or it's like an eighth of a size that it was, you know? I got a little dixie cup of water. Hang in there, Bill. Hang in there.

It oughta turn around sometime in the next eight years. Fuck that. Christ, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. This has been such a weird podcast. I'm never doing a podcast again when I have to wake up at five in the morning

and then go back to sleep again. Do you know what that goddamn Joe DeRosa did? Joe DeRosa hustled me, Opian Anthony, and Dr. Steve today. You guys should really listen to the replay of the Opian Anthony show today. Those who are fans of the

uninformed show that I did with Joe DeRosa back in the day, and I am speaking about it in the past tense, because, you know, I hate to say this, but Joe, unbeknownst to me, has been cheating on me

for the last, like, six months. He's on Bobby Kelly's You Know What Dude podcast. You know, and typical Joe, he wasn't a man about it. He didn't say, listen, Bill, you know, I've met somebody else. This long-distance relationship thing

just isn't working out for me. I thought it would. You'll always have a special place in my heart. He didn't. He just walked his half-Egyptian ass over to the subway and went over to Bobby Kelly.

Dude, come on over to my apartment, dude. You know what, dude? And he's been doing that podcast over there. Do you know what this is? Do you know what I feel about it? I actually feel relief. You know, like when you break up with that psycho

and your fucking buddy starts dating him, and you're like, yeah, that's all you, buddy. It's all you, man. I give it my blessing. Bobby Kelly, I give it my blessing. I give it my blessing. Good luck with Joe DeRosa. Okay?

You know what, Bob? I hope you're listening to this. How much is he already complaining? Has he complained yet that you pick on him too much? Is that what's happening? Does he feel like he's not being respected on the show? Does he want his name in lights on your show? What else?

I'm gonna fucking drive a wedge between both those cunts. I'm telling you, you know, and then he's probably doing his little passive aggressive things where he tries to take more territory, and then you give him shit, and then he says that that's not what I was doing. Oh, Joe, we know all your moves. Ah, I'm just fucking around.

I just like Trash and Joe. And I actually owe that motherfucker 100 bucks. I owe that motherfucker 100 bucks because those of you who listened to the Uninformed program a long time ago, I bet Joe for some reason that he couldn't do five good push-ups, and he actually did them. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.

In the first push-up, his arms were shaking in the, let's get ready to do my first push-up push-up. And he was so bad, he was actually laughing. It was great. And so today, for some reason, that just came back up. And me and Opie and Dr. Steve bet him 100 bucks each that he couldn't do 20 push-ups. So I know Joe. Joe doesn't fucking work out.

So I'm like, he's gonna, even if he's been doing push-ups, he's gonna crap out at 11. And then we were given the option to then do girl push-ups, but he had to go two to one. So if he had nine left to get to 20, if he was doing girls push-ups, he'd then have to do 18. And it was gonna be hilarious because I was convinced that Joe was gonna conk out doing girl push-ups.

And he played it great. Go, wait a minute, wait, make it 15, make it 15, right? Totally hustled us, like fast Eddie, right? Unbeknownst to us, he's been working with a trainer. Joe DeRosa with his fucking pretzel rod arms, his tin man barrel chest. Fucking hits the deck and just bangs him out. And I'm not there, I can't hear it.

So all I hear is Anthony counting them going. One, two, three, four, five, six. And once he got to seven, I was like, this motherfucker's even practicing. I lost 100 bucks. I lost 100 bucks before the goddamn son came up out here. I got hustled by Joe DeRosa and it bugs me, you know? And that's why right now I'm trying to drive a wedge

between him and Robert Kelly, you know? I love Bobby Kelly. Joe DeRosa I don't love, I don't have any love for him. And I just feel it's a shame that Bobby doesn't realize the snake that he has let into his meerkat house. What the fuck that means. You know, I'm telling you, I'm already going to predict this.

That relationship, it's going to end ugly. There is going to be an epic fucking fight on that podcast. And Bobby's going to call me. I'm fucking done, dude. I'm fucking done with that kid, dude. I'm telling you, dude, he doesn't know, dude. He doesn't know, dude. You don't rub my head, dude.

It's going to be something. Joe is going to do something. Joe can't help but be fucking annoying. That's what I love about him. I really, this is my over and under is that June of next year. By June of next year. Oh, wait a minute. I'm probably happy sooner than that.

They're going to have a couple of epic battles this year. And then by June of next year, Joe's going to be hitting the bricks again. He's kind of like that David Duchovny character on Californication, except instead of broads, it's podcasts. Why am I trashing Joe? Why would I trash him? You know why? Because it's fun.

You know, and the nerve of me to sit here and talk about who has friends or anything as I sit here and do this fucking thing all by myself. All by myself. All right, let's get to the advice for this week. Oh, no, wait. I don't want to talk about internet porn, everybody. Internet porn, which is one of my favorite jokes. Joe DeRosa does.

And I tell you what it is, but then he can't do it. Anyways, so I've been telling you guys how I've laid off the porn all this year. I had a relapsed. I watched a couple this week. And now I got to start over again. I got my one day chip today. How do you walk away? I don't know how to walk away from it.

I am addicted to internet porn. I can't stay away from it. I think I went almost 30 days. I went about 30 days. All right, here we go. So this guy writes, he goes, hey there, carrot top. So I heard on your last podcast that you were trying to kick the internet porn because of the crazy shit it took to get you off or whatever.

How's that working out for you? Because I have the exact same problem and tried many times to kick that shit. See, that's why I love this email because I feel like there's a lot of other guys in the same boat. He goes, whenever I tell myself, all right, it's not healthy to watch 18-year-old shoot golf balls out of their ass, let's calm down, I stay away for a while, but I find myself floating towards that computer like Fred Flintstone when he smells whatever that broad Wilma is cooking. And I'm not even sure if it's a sexual issue, which he's spelt with two exes like Nicky Six for some reason,

a sexual issue because even when I'm in a relationship having sex and all that jazz, I don't know why I wrote jazz, I still do it. I still watch internet porn. I could use some tips before I yank my dick off one day. I'm not trained in that field. You know, I have no idea. I think you need to go to some sort of jerk in your dick methadone clinic if they have it out there. There's got to be some sort of addicted to porn thing.

You know, I would say I have a functional addiction. You know what I mean? Like we equated this to alcohol. Like I drink, but I don't miss work. You know what I mean? I can shut it down. I don't, you know, but if I went by a doctor's prognosis, the amount of drinks I have in a week, I am an alcoholic.

I look at the internet porn the same way. They would definitely diagnose me with an addiction, but you know, whenever I've seen them show, whenever they've shown people on TV with porn addictions, it's like they literally calling in sick. They lost their job. They stay at home just rubbing one out all day long downstairs. I don't know. I actually think my porn watching is just like my boozing.

I think it got to a point and I realized it was beginning to become a problem and then I got to fucking dial it back. Although I was able to go a year and two days without having to drop, but porn, I only went 30 days. I went 30 days. So now I got to fucking start over again. So dude, I have no idea. I have no idea, but I got to tell you though, you know, it's like anything else. It takes six weeks to break a bad habit and I went four.

I got to fucking start over again. I don't know. I think it's just like drinking. I'm not going to ever stop doing it 100%, but I'm definitely going to try and keep it in check. That's the best I can give you. But if anybody else has any stories or knows anybody that has literally been addicted to it and can shine a light on it, why don't you send me your emails? Because I'll read them on this thing because God knows I'm not going to do any research, you know, research about it.

Jesus Christ. Is there any momentum left in this advice for the week? Hey, dear Bill, I started dating this junior, this girl, a junior, and only two months ago left in my senior year of college. I totally read that wrong. I started dating this girl a junior with only two months left in my senior year of college. Stupid, I know. Things were great. She was cute and extremely intelligent.

Dude, right there. You hit a fucking triple. I ended up sticking around the area to get my MBA even though she wasn't the reason I stayed. I would be lying if I said she didn't play a small part. I later found out that she was a manipulative and juvenile bitch. Jesus, what happened? It was all sunshine now. Okay, here we go.

Or what the human race is like to call a woman. You know, just when I think that I say the most misogynistic shit, you guys always, you out ignorant me. Wow, that's not even an expression. All right, I think I just took back the title, you out ignorant me. You out ignorant me. I just said that and I wasn't even joking. Anyways, but for some screwed up reason, I stayed with her basically because she had some depression issues and did I, and I legitimately cared for her. Dude, I can tell you right now, they got depression issues, just walk away.

You know, just walk away. The degree of difficulty, it's harder than me fucking trying to back that truck into that Model T Ford fucking garage. Depression issues and then you got it, you just, the amount you're gonna have to give. Fuck, fuck that. People who have depression should be with other people who have depression. And then they can both lay there on the rug. What's the point? You're sitting there all sunshiny like some dog that wants to go outside and run around and she's fucking laying there like the world's gonna end.

You don't need that. Anyways, it got to the point where she would break up with me every other weekend, but then we want to get back together within days. I let this go on for quite some time because like I said, she had depression issues and to my knowledge, none of us would hook up with anyone else while we were broken up. Bet you can see where this one's going there, Billy Boy. Eventually I found out she had hooked up with other guys. Yeah, on the weekend she broke up with you so she wouldn't feel guilty. Eventually I found out she had hooked up with a few guys from the university. One of them happened to be one of my really good friends.

This is a guy that I drove from Indiana to Montreal to see the supposed love of his life a few months earlier, who I later found out he had cheated on countless times. Needless to say, I never spoke to that douche again. Alright, so this girl actually did you a favor because you could have stayed friends with that guy and opened a business together. And then he goes to Acapulco with all your shit. Anyways, I try to break it off with her and get away, but like the manipulative bitch she was every time I distanced myself, she would start cutting herself and tell me about how she was thinking about taking her own life. Okay, I was going to make a joke there, but just to save my ass is a liability thing.

I'm not going to make the joke, but you guys ever see that show name that tune? I can name that tune in seven notes. I can name that tune in five notes. I can name that tune in three notes. At some point you got to go, you know what bitch name that tune. If this was a normal situation, I would tell her friends about what I was hearing and let them deal with it. But since she had started being depressed, she had basically pushed every single friend she had out of her life except me. I know she was depressed to an extent, but let me tell you that my depression runs in my... I have a depression in my family. Oh Jesus, you guys are made for each other.

I've dealt with it in some shape or form, whether it was my brother, mother, or even my own for the majority of my life. And this girl used it as an excuse to be an absolute manipulative bitch to get anything she wanted. Alright dude, you keep saying she's manipulative. At some point, you know, the only way someone can manipulate you is if you let them. Alright, and I'm not giving you shit here. I'm giving you the power to get out from underneath this. Okay, how many times are you going to try to kick the football and she pulls it out and you go flying on your back like that poor bald bastard in that cartoon? Right? You know what you get? Dude, is this the life you want to live?

Are you going to marry this girl? Have kids with this girl? You know, every three days, I feel like shit. Right? Let's break up so I can blow the garbage collector. Just walk away. Just walk away. Alright? He says I really have no idea what to do. I think she's just being selfish and manipulative. But if I'm wrong, she ends up taking her life. I don't know what I would do with myself. If she ends up taking her life, I don't know what to do with myself. Dude, listen.

I'm going to get in trouble legally. I'm not going to give any more advice. Alright, I'm going to get in trouble with this because this is like a serious thing. She's actually threatened that. Look, you are not trained for this. Neither am I. Go tell her to give her a card. Call this number. Get some professional help. You know what? You make up your own mind on that one. You want to stay with her? You stay with her if you don't. But anybody else who's listening.

Alright? Life doesn't have to be that hard. That's all I'm saying. Alright, let's move on. Hello, Mr. Burr. I've been listening to your podcast for a few months now and I've been catching up on as many of your podcast as possible. Just listen to the latest podcast. And what a corker. It had me roaring my old fruit.

What the fuck does that mean? What country? Oh, I'm English. Okay. What a corker. It had me roaring my old fruit. Is this somebody from England fucking with me? Just writing expressions that you guys don't really use. I'll play along. Fuck it. I'll read all of this like this is legitimate. It also got me onto your stand up to which I used YouTube. And yes, I viewed your material for free.

Don't you judge me. Go fuck yourself. So this leads... I don't give a shit if you watch it for free there. I don't care. So this leads on to the question of when are you coming back to Jolly Old England for tea, crumpets and soccer? Oh, this guy's trying to be funny. Oh, come on. Soccer, it's football. It's a ball and you use your feet. How hard is it? Jesus Christ. This guy's doing like eighties.

It's a ball. You use your feet. Oh, guys. Although using the basis of American football would be hand egg. Calm down, dear. It's only a joke. Isn't this funny? This guy in his head is killing right now and I'm getting upset with all these amazing points he's making. Sir, do you really think that you're the first one from England that ever said, you know, it's football. There's a ball and you kick it with your foot. Why do you guys call it football when 90% of the game you're running with it?

And I always say it's because it started off as your version of football and we realized how fucking boring it is to run around with your feeties kicking the fucking ball around and you can't use your goddamn hands. All right? We decided why don't we pick the fucking thing up and try to run each other over with it, you know? As opposed to fucking acting like you fell out of a moving car at 40 miles an hour every time somebody trips you. All right? And all you rugby people go fuck yourself. I don't want to hear it.

It came from rugby. I don't know where the fucking came from. I don't give a shit. All right? It's called football. It's a man's sport and it's way more enjoyable than your version, which is soccer. Your version sucks. All right? Rugby is way better than soccer. Fucking up and down the pitch 900 times. It's so fucking boring. Everybody's singing campfire songs because they're just waiting for something to happen. I swear to God, that and cricket.

Playing with that fraternity paddle. Anyways, while I'm English pudding, that is need. There's a need of some advice. This guy sounds like an old queen. So any help would be appreciated. And if you're a good lady, Nia is around with her opinions. That would be smashing too. Jesus Christ. I've been with my girl for two years and I've never been more in love.

We're going through a difficult patch right now, but we're clearly and why? Because you're wearing her clothes. We are clearly going through a difficult patch right now, but we're clearly and openly and are working through it. For some reason, she seems to love me too. Now there's too many issues to go through here. I don't want to take up too much of your time. Well, you just did with those two fucking sentences.

However, about six months ago into our relationship, she sort of broke my trust in her and I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get over it. It's not like she got frisky with another gentleman or lady. She likes the weed man too much though. She told me that she wasn't doing it anymore, but the whole time was getting it from her brother and doing it behind my back. To be fair, I'm not a big fan of weed or drugs in general. You know what? I'm not reading the rest of it. Walk.

You know what to do. To get what you want, you got to have zero fucking tolerance. Until you have a feeling. When you have that feeling for somebody, we just like despite the fact that they annoy the shit out of me, there's something about them, then you're with the right person. Other than that, I don't want to hear it. You don't like drugs. You're not a fan of drugs.

She's doing drugs behind your back. She was dishonest about it. I don't want to hear the fucking iceberg. Just walk. Kick your soccer ball down the fucking street and go find somebody else. Go take out a personal add. Looking for a new bird.

Overrated, underrated for the week. I got to wrap this up. This is getting a little long here. Overrated, underrated. Underrated, driving barefoot. I understand it's winter where you live and probably not really cold, but I know you've lived in cold climates. It's like unprotected sex with a motor vehicle. Pushing the throttle with just my big toe almost gets me hard.

Underrated, Getty Lee's bass technique. A while ago on the podcast, you talked about how well Angus Young of ACDC developed his guitar technique and was able to do so many great things with a really simple guitar line. I was actually talking about Malcolm Young. Getty Lee of Rush is able to do a similar thing with the bass line and spice up a song in a way that fans would never expect. Yeah, I totally respect those guys, obviously, as musicians.

I've just never been really a fan of... It's too nerdy. Two Dungeons and Dragons for me. I just never got into it. Overrated, The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Yeah, I would say The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is 90% overrated. You know, looking at all those stupid jumpsuits that people wore. Is boring.

It's like walking into a clothing store and there's nothing in there that you'd ever fucking wear and you want to get out of there, but there's fucking four floors of it. But they did have some cool shit. When I went there, they had John Bonham's Green Sparkle Ludwig drum kit. I'm not going to lie to you if I didn't just sit there with my jaw on the ground staring at how fucking little it looked. And just thinking of all the fucking music that came out of that thing.

The songs that they recorded on that. There was a couple of things that I saw in there that really just blew me away. I'm into that type of shit. That historical stuff. If it's something I'm into, that if somebody actually... I like performing in theaters where bands or comedians that I was a fan of actually performed in. And then I always get bummed out when they go... Well, this isn't the original stage.

We rebuilt the stage. That always fucking bumps me out. It's like I want to stand on the same fucking wood they did. I don't know, I'm weird like that, but whatever. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. That really just ended on a fucking whimper. Do I got anything else? Am I really going to end on that? Am I just going to take a knee and run out the clock for the half

and get booed by the hometown fucking fans? I think that's all I got. I had a rough week. I had that fucking party. I took the side view mirror off. Can you guys please tell me where the fuck I can buy some parts for a 68F100? Because I got to tell you something, man. I was out in Texas when I drove from Houston to Austin last week.

And I got a tip from somebody to get off the major highways and you're going to find all those old cars and junkyards and shit. And I found a great junkyard actually off the highway. And I pulled in and it was like three of the radiest looking houses you've ever seen in your life and like three football fields worth of old cars behind it. All right. And I have the original jack to my truck, but I don't have the jack handle or the whole thing that the spare used to be underneath the truck.

I don't have any of that anymore. So I want to get that and put the spare back underneath and get the old jack handle if I could. And so I pulled in to this place and I just got freaked out. Even though it was the middle of the day, there was all these keep out, no trespassing signs and there was three different houses and I couldn't figure out who owned it and it was fucking Texas. So if there was an eight year old in there, the kid was going to be strapped

and so I fucking drove away. So if anybody knows in the LA area, I'll start there or if you go on my website and you look at some of the gigs I have coming up. If you know, like where am I going to be? I got my redneck tour coming up. Wait a minute. This is perfect. This is perfect. I'm going to be on February 7th. This is my next gig.

I'm going to be at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina. On February 8th, I'm at the Stardom Comedy Club in Hoover, Alabama and then I'm at the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta, Georgia on the 9th. That's a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. My redneck tour and I know that there's a bunch of old F-100s around there. So if anybody knows a junkyard and I would be driving that whole way, I'm driving Charlotte over to Alabama, then over to Atlanta, then I'm flying back home and I'm flying in and out of Atlanta.

So I also drive up to Charlotte. So if you guys know any old junkyards and shit like that out there, I greatly fucking appreciate it because I want to have this thing. Like this fucking truck is the shit. I got the matching numbers, the original fucking motor, cigarette lighter, ashtray. The whole fucking thing is just the steering wheel, all of it. Like I actually went on the internet and I was looking at old F-100 ads

and they were showing the interior and this thing hasn't been modified at all. It's got fucking drum brakes, no power steering, three on the tree. It's a fucking monster. It's a fucking monster and I got to back this bitch out at a 45 degree angle and I wake up the whole neighborhood. So anyway, so I want to get the original side view mirrors as opposed to the plastic pieces of shit that are on the side. And like I said, if you know any junkyards out there, I greatly appreciate it.

So that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Why don't I end hyping my dates? The other dates I have coming up, I'm going to be doing after I do my redneck tour and then come up to the east coast and I'm doing the tri-state area. Bergen Theater, February 16th, Englewood, New Jersey. Then I'm doing the Fox Theater at Foxwood's Connecticut.

We just added a second show. So thank you to everybody who went out and bought all these tickets. We've added a second show, February 17th, and then I'm going to be at Westbury, New York Theater at Westbury on February 18th. And that is the deal. So please come out. Once again, thanks to everybody who's been coming out to my shows. I'm getting geared up to do my special.

So, you know, no courtesy laughing people. Just laugh at what's funny. You'll really be helping me out. And if you don't like what I said, just fucking sit there and stare at me. All right? With the dead silence I deserve. All right? That's the podcast for this week.

Once again, go to proflowers.com. Click on the microphone type in Burr. Get your flowers, your teddy bear, your vase, and your candies. Go to stamps.com. If you're sick of going to the post office, I'm not saying you got to do it. But if you're sick of going down there, standing in those long lines, dealing with those grumpy ass people, and you just want to print out your stamps on your own, go to stamps.com. Once again, enter the code name Burr.

Jesus Christ, this is so much shit for a moron like me to fucking remember. Yeah, at the top of the homepage, type in Burr. B-U-R-R on stamps.com. And amazon.com if you want to buy anything. Not saying you got to. None of this, you don't have to do any of this shit, people. This isn't a hard sell here. If you want to do it, do it.

If you don't, I don't give a shit. You know I'm going to be here next week. You know I am. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourself. Let's go, Pat. Let's go, Pat.

But I have to admit, Giants are like the one New York team that doesn't bug me. I don't mind the Rangers either. I don't mind the Rangers. I don't really even mind the Knicks either. I just don't like New York fans. That's just what it is. You know, I, you know what it is? I'm jealous that they have the Yankees and all those championships because the Yankees

with all those championships have been able to cover for the, not even like from the mediocre all the way down to absolute shit franchises that they have. They have five other teams that absolutely fucking suck. And if you're sick of listening to me trash Boston, I mean trash New York. If you want to see, hear something hilarious. Artie Lang did this fucking hilarious song. You know that stupid New York song, that empire state of mind. Let's hear it for New York.

Right? He did it for like, let's hear it for Boston and just fucking trash is Boston and it's absolutely hilarious and everything he's saying is hilarious. Now, now it's funny because we've won all these championships and that's the best part of the song is listening to him dance around the fact that we've won seven titles and we ran the table. So bucky debt and all that shit's funny to me now. I don't give a fuck, but just some of his, we made a references, a reference to Stitch's

comedy club. Stitch's comedy club that went out of fucking business in 1993. I know because I did the last weekend there. Fucking hilarious. Oh, when I'm doing it, might as well give a shout out Nick DiPallo and Artie Lang to the funniest fucking comedians I've ever seen do their own sports show. I don't know the name of it, but just Google and search them and check out their show. And that's it.

That's a podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you.