Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-22

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

Bill rambles about snow, popular podcasts, and why the media starting a war with Russia. Zip Recruiter: Try it for free at this exclusive web address — ZipRecruiter.com/Burr MVMT: Shop 20% off today — with FREE SHIPPING and FREE RETURNS — by going to MVMT.com/burr Bespoke Post: Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at BoxOfAwesome.com and enter the code BURR at checkout.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 31st, 2022. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? How are you back east? Was there a fucking nor'easter, dude? Dude, it's the fucking perfect storm. You got a westerly wind coming off the lake and fucking buffalo filled with the frozen tears of their fucking fans after they choked away the fucking game last week. Dude, I didn't choke it away. It was a fucking coin flip. Well, whatever, dude, they should have said in the heads. That fucking water came right over fucking Lee, Massachusetts, fucking Exit 2 off the fucking Mass Turnpike. It got caught up in Wellfleet. They always make such a big

fucking deal about the goddamn snow, and they're always looking at the drifts. Look at that door. Jesus Christ, look at that door in the corner of that building. It's got to be up your neck. Yeah, but look at the snow around it. All that I saw was manageable situations. Okay? It's manageable. Everything is manageable. You wait. You fucking wait. I'm not saying it wasn't a bad storm. I wasn't even out there. I was out here in the sunshine, baby. I was enjoying myself. How is it back east, huh? You got your little ice scraper out? That fucking dead fucking back and forth sound. Oh my god. I remember that coming out there. The crunch of the fucking snow and ice under your boots. My car isn't going to start. I know it's

not going to start. Look, it's wrapped in a fucking cocoon of snow. Dude, I need a job, right? And you finally get the fucking thing going and you're ass would be on that cold fucking vinyl seat, you know? And the best part was when you get the best part of starting your car was when it was warm enough that you could actually go back inside, you know, and just let the fucking engine run and let it get all fucking warmed up. You know what I mean? I used to take pride in clearing the snow off my car. I clean the whole fucking thing off. You know, I wouldn't just clean it off like the fucking windshield. You know, I love people who'd like clean off the whole car and then just

leave the roof like a fucking, you know, like kid and play haircut, except with snow. You just go flying down the street. It was like it was snowing all over again for the people behind you. I used to clean the whole fucker off. And that was the best. Once it got warm enough that you could actually go in the house and just sit there, then stare at your car and make sure nobody took it. You know what I mean? Who the fuck would want an 83 Ford Ranger four speed vinyl seats, no air conditioning with a factory radio, the long bed, the big fucking dent in the tailgate filled with some Bondo because your dad said he knew how to fix it. Yeah, I do not miss that. The only great about snow is when you're a kid and

you don't have to go to school. That was the shit. You know, then you paid for it in June because you had to make up the days or whatever. But all I know out here, it was lovely. It was lovely. I went down to, I went into Hollywood, something I never do, just being the older fella that I am, which I kind of love being old as the shit. By the way, don't let any of these fucking real housewives or these fucking guys, you know, the new thing now is they show, you know, you just be the real housewives, right? The way they would just show like, you know, you can still have perky tits in your fifties and, you know, a wrinkled free, shiny, sweaty looking face, whatever the fuck that is, you know, looking like you

just got out of a steam room. Some people find that attractive, I guess, I don't know. They're now starting to do that with guys. They haven't all of these like fucking shredded older guys. And they're just sitting there with sad pecs staring down at the floor like they don't want to fight anybody. And then all of a sudden, you know, then they do the after picture and the guy is just fucking jacked. Did a fucking cycle. They're all doing us. There's no fucking way. I heard there's no diet and there's no fucking workout for you to get that fucking shredded and put that amount of muscle on in your fifties. You can't fucking do it. You cannot fucking do it. Do I have any medical background? No, I don't.

This doesn't stop me. I'll pontificate all I want. You know what my research is? Being a 53 year old man. Yeah, that's it. Your shoulders give out. Everything's done. It's a fucking rap. You're in your fifties. You're in your yoga years. You start having soup and salad. All right. You're going easy. Your baby in the engine so you can still get up the fucking hill. They got these fucking 63 year olds running up the hills carrying logs like they're trying to become a fucking green beret or some shit. I'm not buying it. You know what's funny is to see a shredded fucking hairplug guy in his 60s saying Barry Barnes doesn't belong in the hall. Some roided up guy. I do find that fascinating. People wanting to

continue to be fuckable. Well into I don't know how I don't understand it. Once you have kids, all you want to do is just sleep. Like I get, you know, I understand now why couples after a while, they sleep in separate rooms. You know what I mean? It doesn't mean the marriage is over. You've just reached a level of maturity. Like look, look what Bangin did. You know, we got this beautiful family and now we're just tired. All right. How about you have your own bed, you know, and you can sprawl out and snore and do whatever you want. I can be down the hall muttering and grinding my teeth, whatever the fuck crazy bullshit I do. Then we'll wake up the morning, see each other. Absence, making the heart grow

fond of somebody's always going to wake up earlier. Right? I don't know what I'm talking about. I never do. I never do, but I'm calling bullshit. I'm calling bullshit on these fun like it's one thing if you if you just kept working out, I'll give it with those guys, but those guys that let themselves go and they got like a dad bod and all of that shit and then dude, I'm talking more shredded than most people are ever shredded in their lives. Coming back like Roger Clemens on the fucking blue jays. Right? Like I thought he was done. All of a sudden it's 1984 again. What happened? Anyway, did I tell you, did Barry Bonds get in? I think Barry Bonds should get into the hall. I know I've been making this argument

forever. I really believe that Barry Bonds was a victim of the steroids era. I really do because he was the guy and then a bunch of other people cheated and then the president was calling them instead of Barry. And then Barry was like, well, all right, fuck it then. You know, this is me on steroids. There's 73 mark. Right? Barry Bonds, Hall of Fame opponents can't handle the truth. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens got what they deserved. Could David Ortiz's endorsement get Bonds, Roger Clemens into the Hall of Fame. This is the amazing thing about all those baseball players and all of those people that took steroids is what they learned on those people's bodies. They're now using on fucking 50 something year old

white dudes like me so we can be fucking shredded after a second and third divorce and go down to what Apple's bees and maybe have a shot. You're 63. God, I only thought you were 51. Just go down there while these fucking chicks with daddy issues. Yeah. And my buddies, one of my buddies from back home, not in the business, an original OG friend of mine, he said, he said a steroid saved baseball. Baseball was fucked. All of their records were from in the past. They canceled the World Series. They had nothing. All they had was Cal Ripken Jr. breaking Lou Gehrig's record. That's all they fucking had. Thank God the Yankees came back. That was great for baseball. I wouldn't say all was right. As they say, at

least some people that all was right. It was great for baseball. You know, it's great for baseball when like it's like the 49ers. 49ers being fucking good again is good. You know, you don't want to see them suck. I'll get into that in a minute. But anyway, I always thought Barry Barnes was just like, you know, all of these guys were going to hit more home runs and be more dominant during his time. And the reality is if all of them were natural, they couldn't touch Barry. And then they all cheated, right? And Bill Clinton, right? The old cigar smoker himself called up Sosa and McGuire instead of Barry Barnes. So he was like, all right, well, fuck it then. Is this the new world? Is this the new normal?

That guy would hit over 500 home runs easy, which is Hall of Fame fucking numbers. Enough already. Enough already. And then you look at them, they're shitting all over Pete Rose for betting on baseball, right? Then that was like the big taboo. And now look at them. You can gamble right there at the fucking ballparks on the game as as fans, though, still what Pete Rose did, you know, he was actually playing in the fucking game. You know, here's what I want to commission. I want to stop calling the 1919 White Sox the Black Sox. I want them to be called the White Sox so everybody knows what franchise did it. Because for the longest time, I always thought the Black Sox were some defunct fucking team, you know, that through

the World Series, and then their fans sort of left them. And then, you know, it just faded away, right? Like the Canton Bulldogs or something in Ohio. Not saying they cheated. They weren't like in the beginning. If I'll shut the fuck up, okay, fine, I will shut up, I will shut up, but I won't shut up because I don't have any guests on this thing, at least not this week. All right. So let's talk what everybody wants to talk about Neil Young leaving Spotify. No, let's talk NFL playoffs. What did it? What did it? We can't talk Neil Young real quick. I saw they said that Spotify's stock lost $4 billion because Neil Young left or since Neil Young left. And I immediately thought to myself, no, it didn't. You are

now taking the numbers to make it seem like something else, right? Because you got that whole big fucking battle, you know, the people that like a certain podcast and those people that do not like a certain podcast, right? So they were all the one side was rooting for Neil Young. The other was rooting for the podcast and Spotify chose the podcast and the winner is the podcast, the podcast, the podcast, the podcast, not the 80 year old guy. So then all the Neil Young people got to act like Spotify took this major fucking hit. They all fudged the numbers to make it look. Everybody's just full of fucking shit. I don't believe any fucking data until this shit happened. And then you just, you just

have the stats. And even then that only works in fucking sports. It does not work and other things because then even after shit happens, people put their little spin on it and their little fucking numbers, you know, I got to be honest with you, that human being instinct to want to win over getting the right answer is a fucking disease. Everybody has include myself. How many times you've been in an argument with your fucking wife, right? You know, she's right. And you just hanging in there because you don't want to lose. And you just making up shit. You're trying to fucking make it about something else. Just take the loss. Know that she's right and go work on yourself. I'm not even talking to you guys. I'm talking

to myself here. All right. So well, well, well, well, well, well, the Kansas city chiefs, all their fans were head over fucking heels. And holy shit, the fucking Bengals beat the Titans and we get to play them is we're going to fucking walk into that Super Bowl. Kelsey's going to be moonwalking after every catch. Tyree kill is going to happen down the fucking field. All right, Patrick, my home's is going to be slinging its sidearm and underhand in the baby down by the goal line. All of that was going to fucking happen. What did I say last week? What did I say about that Buffalo cheese game? Huh? Now I want to be right. This is a time where I want to feel like I'm right. So I can sleep a little, a little better tonight

knowing that I was right about something in life. I told you guys last week that that fucking game against the bills and the chiefs was the worst fucking defense I've seen in a major fucking game in the 40 fucking years I've been watching football other than the Patriots versus the Philadelphia Eagles. It wasn't even football. Think about the end of that game. How many great throws were they versus were there versus wide open fucking receivers, cornerbacks falling down? Tyree kills the only one I'll give you because that guy is just he's just above and beyond. You know, he's just one of those guys you throw a two inch pass to him and he's going to get the other 80 yards and there's nothing you

can do about it. That one I will I will give you all fucking day long. It was atrocious fucking defense. All right. And you think how long do you think you're going to go? Well your defense is so bad that your big thing is you got to win a coin toss and overtime because how many weeks can you do that in playoffs before it comes back and bite you in the fucking ass? How many fucking times can you do it? Well, unfortunately, the Kansas City Chiefs, which I didn't realize they redid this they remodeled their stadium. I don't know if I I mean, it's nice that they have the wider fucking spiral things down, but like I mean, that stadium was just fucking iconic. I mean, that was the same fucking

stadium from those NFL films way back in the day. Right after Hank Stram, I believe I think right after they won their Super Bowl against the Vikings was at 64 times power trap. That fucking game. Then they got Arrowhead Stadium. Beautiful fucking stadium. But whatever incomes Joe Burrow, why, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by, by from LSU, maybe the new cool Joe on the block, the original cool Joe, you know, played with the four or the 49ers, Joe Montana with Bill Walsh, as we all know, who used to be the quarterback coach for the Bengals. Do you realize the Cincinnati Bengals could have been the 49ers in the 1980s? They had Bill Walsh. They had Ken Anderson. They had Isaac Curtis. They had all of these fucking

guys. They had Paul Brown. The original Bill Belichick is their GM like they were, they were on their way. And Jim Brown got rid of Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll goes to San Diego then to Stanford and he comes back with the 49ers. And the offense that he created, I'm going to keep saying this, the offense that he fucking created in Cincinnati after Gary Cook got injured and ended his career. And they had that Virgil What's his face with the weaker arm, the short quick passes he invented that later became known as the West Coast offense. He invented that. He invented that in Cincinnati. The Mel Blount rule was the amended Isaac Curtis rule, the Cincinnati Bengals speedster saying after five yards,

you can't keep clutching and grabbing them. Paul Brown, what's the point of having a performer if he cannot perform? Fucking amazing. I mean, they are such a what if piece of NFL history. They're such a fucking amazing friend. They hope right down to their orange helmets, which was Paul Brown's fuck you to the Cleveland Browns for getting rid of him saying he was too old. He basically was trying to take their colors as much as he could. When they first came in the league, it was a plain orange helmet, just like the fucking Browns, which he got away with, I believe when they were in the AFL. But once they went to the NFL, he had to write bangles on the side. And then they finally went with the fucking Tiger King

stripes. Anyways, it's fascinating. I keep talking about you really have to look at the history of the Cincinnati Bengals. It's amazing. And they are one fucking game away. And who are they going to play? By the way, by the way, how about the fucking Bengals playing defense and kicking field goals, hanging in there, hanging around, hanging around, a couple of fucking turnovers, right? Next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire and they got the best field go kicker in the new field go kicker in the fucking NFL. And they're going to play a home game against the LA Ram, LA Rams who beat the San Francisco 49ers. Did I call it? Or did I call it? All you 49er fan, you just you keep the LOL you keep missing the 49ers. I fucking, I wasn't buying

it. I knew you guys weren't a Super Bowl team. I knew it because I haven't played organized football since the third grade. I knew it. I saw it. I saw things. I was not aware, however, that the 49ers beat the Rams like the last seven times in a fucking row. And I will tell you this, I was way more impressed with the Cincinnati Bengals, their play and their coaching than anything I saw in that Rams 49ers game as far as coaching goes. I thought both the Rams coach and the fucking 49ers coach kept getting cute in crucial moments. They were getting cute like Pete Carroll. Give it to Marshawn Lynch. Yeah, let's get a little cute here. Let's dial up a place so I can seem clever. The coaching version of dropping the ball,

spiking it before you fucking cross the goal line that pulling a fucking tackle and acting like we're running there, but we're really running her over here. Stupid. And I know this because I haven't even played tackle or touch football in at least 20 years. You heard it here first people. If you want to know the ins and outs of the NFL, you need to listen to a 53 year old white comedian who after the game is over and sees what worked and what didn't, he can say, why did they do this? Why shouldn't they? They should have done that. So I guess what's her face? Joni Mitchell. It's kind of funny that all the Neil Young, all the fucking Laurel Canyon singer songwriters are fucking walking away from Spotify.

Who he thinks going to be next? The monkeys? Mickey Dolan? He's the last guy. And the monkeys, right? And then that's her face, right? He's going to be the next one? Fucking out of here. I have just a zest of COVID left. I just took another fucking rapid test and it was just the faintest of the positive lines. So I think by tomorrow I should be all right. And then I should be good. And I think I did the right thing. I think I did the right thing. I'm now not going at the vaccine, calling it the shot. I got the shot. I got both shots and I got the fucking, I got the booster. And therefore the entire time I had COVID, I wouldn't even known I had COVID if I didn't have a test. If somebody didn't test positive in my house, I wouldn't even

have known that I had it. I would have thought I had a cold because I smoked too many fucking cigars. That's how little it affected me. So I think I did, I did what was right for me. That's what I believe. Speaking of what's right for me is I need to get fucking back on stage because I haven't been on stage in a week and my act will be weak come February 5th at Fantasy Springs. I got to make sure I go out. So I'm going to be doing a bunch of spots this week in and around Los Angles going to be popping in here or there, but I got to be negative two days in a row before I can go out. That's how it works. That's how it works. I'll tell you what's fucking nuts, because I wanted to buy a cigar, right? And I pulled up in the car, my wife was in the car

and I was like, I can't go in there. I'm like, even though I'm just on the last day, but like, and they're saying, you know, some people are saying on the internet that at this point, seven days after he tested positive, you're not fucking contagious anymore with Omicron. I can't fucking go in there. I can't go in there, right? And then I thought about it. And then as I was walking up the door, I was like, I can't do this. My wife's going, I don't know, I can't, yeah. So I walked right up to the door and I was just like, I'm not doing it. The night before my daughter wanted a pizza and I didn't have any pizza sauce, and I was like, all right, I run down to the grocery and I was like, I can't, I can't do it.

I wanted to. I was going to put on a mask and go in there. You know what I mean? Hold my breath when I walked by people to get pizza sauce, be a selfish cunt. Decided not to. I decided not to. I probably should. I don't know. You know, I saw these fucking young kids today, right? They were going up and down Melrose. You went down there to get some, you know, ice cream or some shit outside. It's an outside fucking event there. Oh no, my wife tested negative, so she was able to go in. I did not have any. I sat there like a sad old man who's not on steroids. That's why I couldn't take it. You know, Bill, why do you do steroids at 53 years of age? Yeah, I just love ice cream, you know,

and I just don't want to pay for it. I want to see the first 60 year old Royd rage, you know, just flips out in his 59 year old girlfriend is just going like, you know, he used to just be such a relaxed person. I told him there was nothing wrong with his man boots. And he just said, told me that he didn't feel good about himself. So at first he started doing steroids and it was fine. That doesn't even happen anymore. Thanks to all of these athletes, Olympic professional and otherwise, who've all been taking that shit all the way back to the fucking the 70s or whatever than whenever it first fucking came out. Now it's like a cream. Yeah, you put it on like CBD. So anyway, we're down to Melrose and all these fucking kids were down there, kids, I say kids,

you know, they're in their 20s, they had like fucking dirt bikes and four wheelers like a group of six of them with fucking, you know, no helmets on doing the wheelies going up and down the street like that old fucking DMX, you know, stop, drop, low love thing, love job, whatever that one was. Let me look up, see what happened. Melrose, dirt bikes, cops today. Motorcycles calls cause mayhem on Melrose. I was there. LAPD makes six arrests confiscates vehicles and a firearm. I was fucking there. Oh, that was the Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was not there. That was June 12, 2021. The other one was April 28,

20. I thought I was there. What about today? I searched today. Five things to know about street takeovers, racing in LA law enforcement says groups of dirt bikes. Oh, I like this shit. Anyway, like fucking six of those LAPD fucking mom, soccer mom, SUV, I really miss the cruisers. You know, can you give the guys a fucking goddamn four to us today? And again, those stupid fucking, you know, I'm going to my stripper pole dancing class fucking vehicles, they give them five things to know about street takeovers, other types of street racing in LA. Why do I need to know about this? Why do I need to know about this? Five things. There are several different types in addition, in addition to organized

through illegal meetups among people who know each other, they're also impromptu races between strangers and side shows with groups of people who take over intersections to perform stunts and street takeovers where dozens of off road vehicles take over a street to ride recklessly. Aren't they really just trying to get more friends on Instagram? Dirt bikes street takeovers are becoming more popular in Los Angeles. It started in South LA a few years ago and is now happening more frequently in the central part of the city along Melrose Avenue and La Brea Avenue. I saw one of those. I saw a street takeover. Oh my God. I feel so young and relevant. The increase in street racing with off road vehicles

is being driven by social media that makes it easy to arrange and by the low cost of dirt bikes compared with cars. Well, all the dirt bikes got away and one of the poor bastard riding the four wheeler. He's the one who got caught because he's basically can't fucking split lanes. So there's one for you. That's a tip for the reckless people. Dirt bike street racing started in Oakland in the 1990s and was popularized in Baltimore, Maryland. Is that right? It started in Oakland. Didn't it start when the dirt bike happened? You're telling me they had dirt bikes all over the fucking country and nobody raced them? Traffic collisions. My friends used to fucking do that all the time. All the fucking the 80s.

Yeah, you'd ride it on the road and then you'd fucking cop and start chasing and they'd go into the woods. But I lived in a small town and then they'd eventually just be sitting there in the front of the kid's house when he came home. My mom took away my dirt bike. Traffic collisions involving street racing have tripled in LA this year according to the Los Angeles Police Department. What I can tell you is the LAPD was not fucking around. They sent in like six cruisers and a helicopter and all that. And I heard this person go, isn't that a little excessive? Don't you think that's a little excessive? And you know what would happen if one of those kids was doing a wheelie and they wiped out and that bike flew into the fucking sidewalk and hit a kid?

They would be like, where was the police presence? But they were all down in a donut shop. It's one of the great things about complaining is you could not mean God knows I know all about that. You can know there's always an angle. There's always a fucking angle. Anyway, congratulations to the fucking Cincinnati Bengals and the LA Rams, two home games in a row, going to the Super Bowl. I thought it was going to be the Rams versus the Chiefs. I thought I thought the Bengals were going to hang for a half. And then, you know, the Chiefs were going to do what they do, which is score points and not play defense. I didn't realize that the Bengals were going to shut down the Kansas City Chiefs. I did not realize that they were going to pick

off Patrick Mahomes. Arguably, if Tom Brady retires the best guy, the best quarterback in the league, um, twice. Who saw that comment? Definitely not myself. And I just saw absolutely huge, huge, huge victory. Well, that's so great for that city, man. Those people love their fucking Bengals, man. Um, great fans out there. I remember doing the funny bone out there and they would get so fucking amped up for regular season games. I still think that's the best division as far as like in the AFC, um, that rivalry with the ramp, uh, with the Rams, with the Bengals, Browns, Steelers and Ravens. They just fucking hate each other. Um, it's been going on a long time. The problem with the AFC East is that the Jets, Dolphins and Bills have just sucked

for so long. Um, and now the Bills are good. So I don't know, you need like, uh, what you need is a couple of good teams. Well, the Browns sucked forever and they still hate the Steelers. I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway, let's, uh, let's plow ahead. Let's do a little bit of, uh, a little bit of the, uh, advertising here for this week. Oh, look who it is, everybody. Oh, Zip. All right. Zip recruiter. According to the latest research, 90% of employees plan to make an enhancing the employee experience a top priority in 2022. They're going to enhance plan to make enhancing the employee experience. Well, you can have enhancing the employee, like you're at your job and they're going to enhance it.

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up and coming brand. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code burr, burr at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code burr for 20% off your first box. Thank the good Lord. We're through those things. All right. I just realized, you know, what is going to happen on these podcasts when I'm dead and gone? You know, if you're listening to this in the future and I'm dead, I don't want to thank you for giving a shit. That's great. How many seasons are left? Are we just down to summer? War with Russia. Hey, Billy Bear. Ah, God. Billy Bear, one of my favorite characters from the original 48 hours. If you want to see one of the greatest acting performances of all time,

as far as a brand new actor in his first movie, Eddie Murphy in 48 hours, in the level of drama and comedy in that, I just don't understand why they didn't give him more drama work. Eddie Murphy should be on like his third Oscar by now. And Billy Bear was the American Indian, Native American, whatever you're supposed to say, partner in crime with Gantz. I still think that that movie had the best gun sound. I'm sure now that's the shit's louder, but I just love the way the gun sounded in that movie. Billy Bear, Billy, you're going to lose. All right. Heard you question why the Talking Heads are stoking a war with Russia? I literally thought you were talking about the band. I was like, the Talking Heads are out there talking shit about who?

Who they met at Blondie? Heard you question why the Talking Heads are stoking a war with Russia? Um, that means I guess the leaders of the world. It has to do with a lot of things, but one way to break it down is this. The US has a lot of oil contracts with the Ukraine. See, Joe Biden and three other political leaders, kids getting millions for no show jobs. All right. Can I can I address that stat there? Joe Biden and three other political leaders have kids that get millions of dollars for jobs they don't even show up to. And now that if that is true and that's been made public, did they lose those jobs? Or does it not fucking matter? Why, you know, with all of this shit out there,

I don't understand it. You know what I mean? Well, all I can say about Joe Biden and all of those political leaders, just tell them to keep doing those jobs and not to do, you know, tell jokes. Is she going to get away with it in that sector? All right. So they want to, they want to keep a presence there as well as expand, putting military there, instigates Russia and reinforces that US's involvement disrupts a pipeline Russia and China are building. Why can't they build a pipeline? We could all blow each other up. We already proved that this isn't going to go anywhere.

All these talking heads, they're just, they're not doing anything. I think they all fucking hang out on that Epstein Island afterwards. You know what I mean? After they get everybody all stirred up and then they just bang fucking whatever they're into. And then they go back and they act like they don't like each other. I think it's all, I think it's like wrestling. Russia doesn't want to invade the Ukraine. They just want to keep closer political and business ties with the Ukraine than the US. Oh, so Ukraine's a little of the hot chick on the block. All right. Come on, Ukraine. Let's, let's try to work this.

President of Ukraine recently told Biden he didn't want any US military intervention. The guy's probably between a rock and a hard place, money coming in from the US, but proximity to Russia means he has to respect both. No, he doesn't. He has our nuclear weapons behind him. We're never going to use them. They're never going to use theirs. What he should do is he should go to Russia and be like, hey, you know, not for nothing. The US is giving me this. Maybe if you give me that, you know, all of a sudden I like your little furry hat there, Russian guy. That's what they should do. You can watch all the new stations and read the New York Times and they're giving all

the reasons as to why we need to support our Ukrainian brothers as if they give a shit. I know it's so stupid. The whole thing is so fucking stupid. Most people can't find the Ukraine on a fucking map. I couldn't remember the name of the country. For some reason, I remember the name of the capital Kiev. I remember during the Bush administration, Neil Young did a free speech tour because he was against intervention in the Middle East and he was getting heat for it. Glad he is staying away from this and focusing on comedians who interviewed doctors for three hours. You know, he's old, man. Maybe he wants to pick a smaller fight. All right. Bank robbery stories. All right. Bank robbery stories. Dear Billy, COVID balls.

Been a huge fan of the podcast. You stand up. Epsys for family and you as an actor for years now. Thank you so much. Look at you. That's the kind of support I need, man. My wife owns a bank. My wife's family owns a bank. Get the fuck out of here. Do they have like candelabras in the house and fucking taxidermied fucking animals on the wall? Oh, that's amazing. They own a bank. My wife's did now, did they choose you? Do you also come from a wealthy family? Was there some sort of fucking ceremony with like robes and a fucking virgin blood and shit? My wife's family owns a bank and I've heard some pretty wild sorties. I think stories is what you were trying to say about successful and unsuccessful robbery

attempts. Oh, they say no robbery. Oh, this is fantastic. This is a whole new segment. Anybody here ever have somebody come in and try to rob their store? I want to hear the fucking stories. This is incredible. Somebody coming in risking their own freedom to get what's in the fucking store and some poor man or woman in the fucking store now worrying if they're going to lose their life. You only tell me ones that just are funny. I don't want to hear sad. We had a real sad one out here. Some guy just came in and just stabbed this poor woman who was just just sitting there working a job, man, a whole life ahead of a fucking horrific. I don't want to hear shit. This is a fun, funny, ignorant fucking podcast. All right, keep it

like people. All right. Anyway, you talking about the teller handing the note back to the robber to telling him essentially to go fuck himself on the Thursday edition of the podcast reminded me of one of the unsuccessful attempts at one of their branches. Yeah, I was talking about how you can rob a bank with a note and they're just supposed to assume that you have a weapon and let the authorities handle it. And I was thinking like, if you had degenerate gamblers work as tellers, they'd never give up the money. They'd always take the gamble. Maybe you could save some fucking getting robbed. I don't know. It was a stupid idea. Of course it was. It came from me. Anyway, here's a guy's story here. Guy walks in and asks one of the tellers for the cash

and the branch manager walks out and pretty much tells the guy not today. I've already had a stressful day and I don't have time for this shit. You need to get the fuck out. The guy took his note and walked right back out the door. He came in. Oh my God. That is fucking amazing. And then the guy didn't go to jail. Can you imagine if that guy turned his life around? I bet he tells that story and nobody believes him. I came with the note and the guy said not today. I've already had enough stress. I don't have time for this shit. Now you can get the fuck out. Jeez. And that right there is the fucking branch manager of the year. That's the fucking what was Dirty Harry's name? Jack Callahan?

But you know what happened with Dirty Harry? His partners were always getting killed. So that guy's eventually going to get a teller killed. Anyway, at another branch, the teller gave the guy the money and the police found him and got into a chase. During the chase, the robber was driving unusually erratic. And when he wrecked, they discovered the reason for it was because he was trying to shove the money up his ass to hide it. Oh my God. I don't believe that one. Oh my God. I mean, I mean, that's how high the stakes are. He's literally going like, if I get caught, I'm going to go to jail and I'm going to get

raped in the ass. What do I want in my ass? Somebody else's dick or a bag of dirty cash. Cash can't tell a story, man. Fuck it. I'll take what's behind door number two. The police ended up calling and asking if the bank wanted the poop money back because it was recovered. They declined. Not sure whatever happened to that cash. You know what happened to it. You know exactly what fucking happened to it. The fucking cops took it down to one of those power wash things, fucking sprayed it, air dried it, and they threw a kegger. All right, talking, talking about it, my dude, talking about it, my dude. Yo, Bill, my dude, first of all, I love that black people have given you white

peoples a new you use for the word dude, which is really all yours. It was sitting there all along my dude. Oh, I guess that's how black people, I like my dude is funny. It doesn't sound right coming out of my mouth. And you know what? I stay in my lane. Wait a minute. I married a black woman. I can't say I stay in my lane. All right, I veered off a little bit. Okay, onto it. Heard you give up on, you give up on caring about COVID shit last week. And I want to tell you, I ain't been talking about COVID shit to anyone for a while now. About a year and a half ago, I saw my doctor who is a real person and is in an office and uses a stethoscope and has cotton balls in a jar. A real ass doctor out here outside of Atlanta, flesh and blood. He told me point

blank. Them shitty masks didn't work. He said I could find the good ones, but the regular ass cloth mats my credit union was handing out didn't do a didn't do nothing. Yeah, I mean, who doesn't know that? There's massive gaps on the top and the bottom. And guess what? He even explained why. I'm going to license electrician, but it made sense to me, my dude, he was looking out for me to make sure I didn't have a false sense of confidence in them things. He wasn't telling me the vid was fake, my dude. A few days later, I told two friends who happened to be white women about masks and they was yelling at me. Oh, Jesus Christ. They weren't Karen's where they, I was just looking out cause they showed up to a place with the mask that said Gucci in sequence.

Oh God. Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Let me ask you a question. Why did you think that they were going to listen to you? You know, like I felt like that was a major character flaw during this pandemic where you're such a self involved person that you had to have some sort of flair on your mask. You know what I mean? To show that you're different and I still just need to stand out, need to have some sort of focus or show that I have money. Anyway, then they started coming at me like they, they was nurses and doctors and asking why they ain't heard that. I ain't lying, my dude, now they are saying on TV what my doctor said almost two years ago, two years for that shit. They hit the Twitter, my dude. This is why I've been questioning stuff. But like I said,

just said to myself, but like I just said to myself, that's the end. Thanks and stay lotient. I will. I absolutely will. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, medicine is also getting so much fucking shit acting like they, you know, they're not responsible for keeping seven billion people alive every fucking day, which they do tremendously. And I just feel like there's just something about fucking morons. They just think they're smart. And then they just like to just point out, they just like to point out where people that are, you know, specialists in something from cops to doctors, athletes, everybody, everybody, comedian, everybody's just getting fucking shit on. Yeah, they shouldn't have told that joke. Well, why'd he fucking do that as I'm

shitting on fucking coaches this week? You know, we all fucking do it. We all do it. I still believe like, listen, they're not going to get everything right, but they get way more right than they get wrong. And I am alive today because of doctors. If not, I would have died of a ruptured fucking appendix. All right. So I have no problem with doctors. And I don't care that they work at more of a snail's pace than these shoot from the hip guys who fucking leave mainstream medicine. Of course, you can fucking have new information. You don't have any fucking checks and balances anymore. But I also know that the other thing is fucking, you know, it's corrupt, whatever, FDA has former people from the pharmaceutical companies as their members,

they pass shit. And I don't know, whatever, who gives a fuck? I don't care. Okay. I'm still alive. So somebody's doing something right. All right. Shadow dictator. Dear batshit bill. That's another good one. Billy bear batshit bill COVID balls bill. There's some good ones this week. All right. So we've been doing this thing. If you were a dictator, what you would be doing? All right. If I were a dictator, I would call all the shots as a shadow dictator. I'd have some pasty pretend patsy. Sorry. It's my own fucking low self esteem. I thought you were setting me up to take the fall. I'd have some patsy pretend to be dictator for the public while I make all of the decisions.

I would compartmentalize the chain of command so no one knows who is really in charge. That's one way to keep the military or anyone from taking me out. If my patsy was taken out, I just have some replacements hanging around. There's a lot of holes in that, but I understand what you're doing. If your patsy gets taken out and everybody around them thinks he's the guy, they're going to be fighting with whoever's taking him over and they're going to take out whatever security that guy has, which is also your security. What you should do is when the patsy gets taken out, you walk away with all the fucking money they thought the patsy had. And then you walk away like Hannibal Lecter at the end of fucking

Goodwill Hunting, whatever that fucking movie was called, Silence in the Lamps. That's how I do it. By the way, isn't that what politicians are? We're not going to say we have dictators. You have all these fucking underpaid people and then they all make zillions of dollars and I guess their kids work in the Ukraine without having to show up and make a million dollars a year. All I know is they all end up with a mansion on fucking Martha's Vineyard and they're all amazing at the stock market. Let's have a start. If I ever see a house of representative or a senator, Senator, you got any stock tips? You fucking piece of shit.

First thing I do is replace, isn't continuing. First thing I do is replace all cars with self-driving vehicles because people can't drive for shit, except for me. I collect all the classic and exotic cars so I could drive a different one each day of the year. I'd abolish the stock market because fuck it. Oh, by the way, dude, how are you going to be a shadow dictator if you're the only guy driving around in these exotic cars? This guy's not going to last, man. I'd make health care, education and shelter a basic right and fund those things so that people wouldn't revolt. I'd then build new cities by calculating how much resources are available per person and limit the population in each city accordingly. Voting would be done online, but people would be

able to vote on things. I would allow like putting Rick James on the $20 bill. Then I would go have a beer and think of what else I could do. Peace and go fuck yourself. I wonder if they're away if you just exposed everything that these other assholes were doing. There's no way to do it. It's just human beings are just, we go after the dollar because you got the dollar, then you get those. If I were a dictator, hey, Billy Redscare. I guess that's a comment on my looks. That one kind of hurt. I'm not going to lie to you. Sorry. I was looking, I didn't really bother me. I was just looking down to see how much time I had done. All right. I'm sick of kumbaya dances with the wolves dictators writing in about how they'd murdered the bankers and give everyone a puppy.

Here's what I do. I like this. Go against the grain. First and foremost, I'm in it for me. I'd rise to power by making different groups of people hate each other. And while they're busy fighting each other, I'd seize the high office. Not an original idea, but it's tried and true. It works. I'd immediately start wearing a military uniform full of metals. I didn't earn and I'd drive around in a Ferrari bulletproof bulletproof. You got to do the Scarface thing with that first. Once I've consolidated power, I'd ban social media and liquidate their CEOs. I'd milk every last drop out of this country. And when I couldn't borrow another buck from the bank or buy another bottle of booze, I'd light a match. But in the meantime, me and my friends would have a good

fucking time. Bill, if you support me, your daughter will be getting a La Ferrari for her sweet 16. If you don't support me, that's fine. You'll be pulling my rickshaw until your freckled ass collapses on the street. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Ah, that's great. Fantastic. Well, once again, congratulations to the Cincinnati Bengals. Condolences to the Kansas City Chiefs. Fans of the Kansas City Chiefs coming up short. Still had a great season. You know, you did have a great season because everybody wrote you off and you're damn near got back to the dance again. And congratulations to the 49ers who I fucking wrote off all goddamn year and look at you. Look at you. Look how close you came. We're a minute away or so, whatever. I don't know

how much time was left when you had to last have the lead. I don't know. Last five minutes anyway. That is it. Who do you like in the Super Bowl? I got to tell you, I think Joe Burrow has just got the magic. I think he's got the magic and I think the Rams, I didn't like, I didn't like the coaching. I just thought he got a little fucking cute. I just think as a stand-up comedian, I would have made some different choices. No, they're both great coaches. I don't know. What a straight, what a story, huh? Matthew Stafford, he's playing for the fucking Lions. He never bitches. He never complains. He's just out there giving it his all. And he just said he wanted to go to a place and have a chance to fucking win. And now he's in the

Super Bowl. It's going to be fucking amazing. I can't tell you this. What is so amazing about sports is that if Tom Brady actually retired, I'm not sure if he did or not, but if he does retire, the void that it, I thought it was going to create because I was immediately sad like, wow, that's it. I just, I saw his last game. Thank God that Joe Burrow comes along and I'll get to see Mahomes versus Joe Burrow hoping that that's going to be like all those great Brady versus fucking Peyton Manning, the Eli Manning games. Those were fucking amazing games. Has there ever been a brother combination in the NFL? That was, there's no way that they were that successful. They won four Super Bowls between

the two of them, went to six Super Bowls, brother QBs in the NFL. All right, let's see how many, the two brothers Peyton Eli Manning are synonymous with football in the 2000s, the Hasselbacks, the Mannings, there's a couple of Hasselbacks, Jocelyn Luke McCown. I don't know where that is at. Fucking amazing. Anyways, all right, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you everybody for listening. My apologies to everybody in Fantasy Springs. I'm going to make it up for you. I'm going to be doing a fucking, I'm going to be going off. I cannot wait to get back on stage and spew out all of my fucking ignorance that I've been writing while I've been home.

Playing guitar again, having a good time, dusting off the old Malcolm fucking chords that I used to know and just having a great time. And that's it. Thank you guys for coming out to the shows and all of that shit. That is it. And I can't believe there's only one more week of fucking football. Where does it go? Unbelievable. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.