Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-31-23

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Bill rambles about birthday wishes, the smug rugby email, and crazy chicks at the bar. Rocket Money:  Cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to www.RocketMoney.com/BURR Policy Genius: Head to www.policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. Zip Recruiter:  Go to this exclusive web address to try ZipRecruiter free at www.ziprecruiter.com/BURR    

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 30th, 2023. What's going on? How are ya? I don't know how loud this podcast is going to be. I'm on the road, man. Went out golfing with some friends. I played like shit, but I didn't give a fuck. Started to rain. You know, nature. Mimicking my feelings while I was out there. I don't know. Some people find the game frustrating. I find it extremely boring after four holes. It's just kind of like, what are we doing out here? Like it feels like a dead-end job to me. You know, you fucking put the ball in the hole and you're like, all right. There, there. What'd I get on that? Say one, two, three, seven, eight, nine. I got a nine

on that. And you're like, all right, good. That's over. But you know, I put the ball in the fucking hole. It's over. And then what? Then it is another one. New day. New day. It's going to be a good day. You know, I'm going to fucking, you know, stay right down the center and just not going to pick my head up. I kind of realized today that I don't have the time or the desire to get good at that activity. I played on a public course, which is always fun. And I was kind of looking forward to the whole, you know, I mean, my whole thing is, is if we're, if we're playing 18, the only thing, the only hope I have is the refreshments at the ninth hole. And we got there after the ninth hole or whatever. And the whole fucking place was closed. No trash cans. I mean, it was kind of,

I don't know, sort of a lovely shithole that we played on. But let's get, let's get to what I want to talk about this week. The NFL playoffs. Before I get to that, though, all the sports stands, oh shit, I saw a fucking great movie. Saw a great movie this week that I think is nominated for a bunch of awards. I saw the whale with Brendan Frazier, who plays a big boy, a big boy dealing with some family issues there, you know, getting the stuff crust pizza and whatnot, trying to reconnect. And everybody in the movie absolutely crushed it. Sadie Sink, Hong Chow, make sure I say all the names. I probably say them wrong, but I thoroughly enjoyed that movie. So it's about a bigger fella, you know, and he's got some problems. And there's no spoiler there here.

I'm not going to say anything else. I learned a long time ago how I'm not to ruin a movie when I saw, I almost said the Hunger Games. That's not what it was. What was that movie about the, well, now I'm going to ruin it, spoiler alert. I mean, the movie came out like 30 years ago. It was a chick and she had a dick. Back in the day, you could say a chick with a dick crying gate. And with Mike Bertilina from ATC, the crying game. I remember that. I had no idea what that movie was about. You couldn't know, you know, because if you knew, then when the old meat hammer came out, you wouldn't have been surprised. I can't imagine the meetings. Do we show it? Do we not show it in the fucking trailer, right? And you know that the guy directing it or the lady

was like, listen, no cock in the trailer. You know, come on, that might be the selling point. They're like, what are you talking about? It's the fucking early 90s. No one's going to go see this. And I ended up seeing that movie. It was a fucking great movie. And what I loved about that was I had no idea what the fuck was going to happen. And that was right around the time when they started doing the movie trailers where they would show you basically right through halfway through the third act. And you knew the hero wasn't going to die. You know, only they only do that occasionally. You know, I could name a few movies, but it would rule. Okay, fast forward through the next. Here's one of the hero dies. All right, I would say to live and die in LA. Hero dies in that one.

Another one coming at you. Leonardo DiCaprio in the departed. Chop me up and feed me to the poor. And what other what other one? Was it Hannibal Lecter? No, he lived. Was he the hero? I don't remember. He was like one of those fucking guys that women who like their dads didn't stick around, they'd like send him like marriage proposals. Well, he ate that guard's face. Imagine what he do to my box, right? You know, that logic. We're right now driving down the highway. And there's in front of us is a Ford Super Duty. I want to say an iconic silver. It might be a wrap. Um, it's a Ford F 50 or five 50 Dooley. And then he has one of those American flags that you have

to look up. It's gray and black, which matches his truck. So now it's like, all right, is he doing that because it matched the truck? Or there is, is there some sort of ideology behind that flag? What do you, how do you guys feel about all these groups with their different American flags? Personally, it doesn't bother me. Confusing because I don't know what it's about. But like, you know, there was always that thing, you know, you never let old glory touch the ground. You don't deface the American flag and about about a beat a bubble, right? And now the American flag, it's kind of like the Wu Tang Clan when everybody went solo and everybody had their own fucking solo album. And you know, if I was running for president, God damn it, that's a fucking gorgeous

truck. Isn't that a gorgeous truck? It's fucking gorgeous. Let's see, what do we got here? This guy is driving an F 450 four door. If he had the two door, I swear to God, that would be it. What a gorgeous fucking truck that is. I mean, that's fucking gorgeous. I don't care if you don't know how to fix anything. It takes up a parking spot and a half just to remind everybody that it's your America. And I want to trouble with a big fat ass like my wife. I want to stand behind it, get set my heart. Um, something with some mudflaps. Bill, how do you know he talks like that? I don't. I don't. Anyway, clown ahead. So we saw that movie, The Whale, aka Bobby Big Boy, Bobby Big Boys. And, uh, the acting was fucking amazing. The story was amazing. The whole thing. I absolutely

loved the movie. Could not wreck. I give it, they give it five freckled thumbs up or two freckled thumbs up. I only have two thumbs, but I will tell you this before we, we went into the movie, I went with the lovely Nia and she said to me, she says, listen, now before we go in there, I don't want you laughing in any inappropriate moments. So I mean, that's literally like when the teacher goes, the next person who laughs is getting detention. And then you have all that, you know, the tension in you, right? You're fucking, you start doing that when you were a little kid, you held your nose, you go started doing that next thing, you know, you're fucking after class. And it's like, lady, if you didn't say that, I wouldn't be laughing right now.

Uh, what, are you lonely or something? Um, so anyway, she tells me when we go in there, whatever you do, don't fucking laugh in any inappropriate moments. So of course we go in there and we get about like, I don't know, about five, 10 minutes in the movie and you know, I'm trying to look around the corners. I'm trying to guess what's going to happen, right? So I'm like, well, okay, this guy's got to be a hero at some point. So I started thinking like, what if somebody, because he hadn't met anybody yet, just sort of alone eating and, um, whatever the hell he was doing, I don't remember. And I just started thinking, what if in the end he has to save somebody, right? And I just pictured him walking to the balcony of his

apartment and then just leaning forward and like literally topping over the way a bowling pin would and landing on the bad guy, like sacrifice to himself, like that guy in the end of the exorcist. And there was just something about that image. It was so ridiculous. I literally, I had a laughing fit and the movie theater was a little cold. So I was laughing quietly, but my wife was hanging onto my arm. So I was fucking shaking like I was having a seizure and she just, you know, shook her head and just whispered, what the fuck is wrong with you? And I was like, why can't I be me? Why aren't I allowed to enjoy the movie the way that I enjoy it? You know, you know what you were getting into. She does that all the fucking time. It's so funny. Like anytime we go into a

social situation before I get in there, she literally gives me a pregame speech. She's like, all right, now before we go in there, there's going to be a lot of people in there. Just, you know, just, just be nice. Like don't, don't say what you're thinking and da da da da da and all of this shit. And I remember I said to her one time, I said, you know, if I ever said this before you went into a party, you'd have to reapply your makeup. You'd literally be sitting there like, you make me feel like nobody likes me. Right? Like that's what the fuck I would be going through. But you know, the rules are different. She's allowed to do it to me because for centuries, men evidently beat their wives with mop handles legally. Like right out in the street, right next to somebody,

you know, extracts to read all about, get your paper. And there'd be some guy right next to a newsboy. He'd be beating his wife with a mop handle. And the next day that incident wouldn't even be in the paper. So fast forward 100 fucking years later, all of a sudden they can fucking talk to you like what's his face? Student, Pope of Greenwich Village. Eric Roberts, when he's talking about, you know, you tell her to stare at the floor when she walks out. That way she don't get the Sega night to nobody. It's totally flipped. I should have got my wife a wife beater for Christmas. Um, anyway, you know, it'd be amazing if all women knew martial arts. Can you imagine how much they would be beating this shit out of their husbands and then justifying it and then blaming

you? That's it. That's the only difference between us and them. Not really. I'm sure there's others, other reasons. But anyway, though, you wouldn't know it by me acting like an asshole here. I absolutely love that movie. I've always been a huge fan of Brendan Fraser and all the new younger actors that I saw on it. They killed it. Definitely go see it. If you laugh at inappropriate times, I would have an empty seat between you and your wife, girlfriend or whatever the hell you're into so you don't get a bunch of shit. All right, so there you go. That's my movie recommendation for the week. Yeah, and write me in. Write me in. Write into me and let me know what you think. But don't do whatever the fuck you want. You like that? That's right here. You're listening

to an old school liberal. Do whatever the fuck you want. Right? I'm not telling you how to design your bathrooms, man. Um, all right, let's talk NFL football. And then there were two in the Super Bowl. You got the Philadelphia Eagles against the Kansas city chiefs. And I don't know if you watched anything better podcast. I don't know. Certain fucking balled ginger told you to bet both of them. All right, the Eagles 49ers game. It wasn't even a game. Brock Purdy just, you know, guys elbow got blown out on like the second pitch of the fucking ball game. So I mean, that was basically it. So I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't see too much of that game because it was kind of a boring one to be honest with you. Congratulations to the Eagles and

and Jalen hurts everybody over there. Everybody in Philly. I'm sure you all went to your, I'm sure there was like what 65,000 people there and you all went to your favorite cheese steak place afterwards, meaning you went to 65,000 different fucking places. I've said this a million times. I have asked anybody I've ever met in Philly, what's your favorite fucking place? And they always pick every one of them's given me a different answer, except the second half. I go, what about what about Pat Pat's a genus? Fuck those places. Those are for tourists. That's the only thing that they agree upon. Personally, I just think it's because tourists know that that's where you're supposed to go. So then they don't feel philly enough. If somebody like me standing

there, you know, all I can say is if you get it with the fucking whiz, or as I call it, the golden shower of cheese, I mean, it's not even fucking cheese. I mean, it kind of makes sense because what you're eating is not really even meat. You know what I mean? Nobody knows what animal that is. When they slice it that then and they fucking fry it, you got no fucking idea. Listen, let's be honest with you. If it was a good cut of meat, they wouldn't have to put all that fucking cheese on it and then put bread on it, right? And I'm not shitting on it any more than the steak and cheese in Boston. It's the same thing. Nobody knows what that's like ankle meat. And they just dice it up and they put some cheese on it and you're fucking half in the

bag and it tastes delicious. And you have it when you're young, right? Before all your dreams die. So you have this great child's sense memory about it. God, this is the best. It's fucking great. It isn't great. It's slowly killing you, but it's kind of what you want once you hit your middle age. Sorry, that got dark. It got dark just like the meat when they're done frying it. I know there's probably a lot of Bengals fans bitch moaning and complaining. I will definitely say the laundry was overwhelmingly flowing your way from mid third quarter to the end of the game. And I kept saying bullshit. They're calling another penalty and then they would go to the play and you guys would be guilty except for that one little tiki-tak pass interference.

That's the one. I was like, they didn't have to fucking do that one. But I thought the Bengals played undisciplined frustrated football towards the end. I mean, hitting my homes that far out of bounds. I mean, you know, he's the new lady of the league, right? You know, they're going to protect them. You saw when Joe Burrow got fucking knocked down and he turned around and looked at the ref and the ref is like, you haven't played long enough to get that call, right? I think Patrick Mahomes has now reached that level. You know, it's like being a quarterback in the NFL is like flying Delta Airlines. You got to get status, right? So I think what's his face? Joe Burrow is still in group two, where I think what's his face? Patrick Mahomes was definitely at the diamond level.

If you, you know, and he earned it, I would say that. So congratulations to the chiefs. That was actually a great game. And so it's the chiefs versus the Eagles. Who do you like? This is a tough one because the chiefs have the more experienced coach in the BTK killer, Andy Reed. It's his brother, right? I mean, he looks just like him, doesn't he? He does. It's fucking ridiculous. And that guy was from that part of the country. I swear to God, if Andy Reed ever goes to fucking 23 in me, I say he loses at least two uncles. Andy Reed was the guy who chose the right path. All the rest of them were in rest areas and out in the fucking woods or something. So, you know, it's funny was when the Eagles, Mike, when the Eagles won, or we're going to win the

game, I immediately went to my Twitter because I was trashing their coach when he fucking was nodding vigorously saying, I know what the fuck I'm doing. The guy's literally winning a divisional playoff game and he's acting like no one's ever done that before or ever been a coach that came in with a game plan that worked. I know what the fuck I'm doing, right? I mean, am I crazy? I mean, this is like Psych 101. The guy, he's got a massive inferiority complex, right? I know what I'm doing. Not like everybody says. So, you got Nikki Fredo going up against a BTK killer. Who do you like? Dude, I called that KC game so fucking, I knew it. On paper, you thought the Bengals were going to win. I said, there's something, you know, they got Andy Reed and they got, they, and it's going

to come down. It's going to be close in the end. And I said, fucking Patrick Mahomes is going to do a couple of purse throws down around the goal line. Turned out to be like a field goal, whatever. He did those for the first down. Like the fact that that fucking throw is legal. It's like, what the fuck more can they do for a quarterback? Now, that's a forward lateral. But I guess because you don't like, you know, throw it like the old school like bucket brigade. When somebody's fucking barn was burning down in the 1800s, I guess it's not considered a lateral, but it's pretty ridiculous. You can't hit a quarterback, you know, he's fucking inside the park. He's outside the lines. Well, how about when Joe Burrow did that little fucking shake on that guy

and got an extra few yards? I'm kind of feeling like the corner on the cheese was like, well, it's the quarterback. He's going to slide. I feel like if a corner lets up or a safety lets up, lineback or whatever, because he thinks the quarterback is going to slide and he doesn't, and then he runs by that guy. The next time the quarterback runs, he should be not allowed to slide and he should be able to get hit. That's what I'm saying because I feel like in crucial points in a lot of NFL games, I will see quarterbacks act like they're going to slide and then they keep running. Not saying Joe did that, but I find it hard to believe that the corner got tricked a little bit. I don't know. I'm a curmudgeon. All right. So who do I like in the

Super Bowl? Well, who I want and who I like are two different things. I want the Eagles. All right. Casey just fucking won one. By the way, the Eagles won one. Oh, they beat us. When you win so many as a Pats fan, you forget. You know what's funny? Mr. Bertolino, Eagles fans come up to me all the fucking time and I got to like try to remember it. It's like, you realize we won the Super Bowl the year before you beat us in the year after? That kind of makes that like, you know, what are you going to do? We got a hole in one, the hole before then you're going to fucking come at me about some bogey. You think I give a shit? Congratulations. Anyway, so I want the Eagles to win.

You know what? I think that might be one of the same. I think the Eagles are going to win. And I don't think it's because Patrick Mahomes is kind of hurt. Well, he is hurt. He's got two weeks to kind of recover. Plus, you know, God knows what happens in that concussion tent. I think they got tired of sending guys all the way back to the locker room and fucking shooting them up. They're like, well, what if we had like a tent? You know what I mean? We could just fucking do it there and then we could get the drugged up horse back out on the fucking field. I mean, because that's who they look at them. They don't look at the owners do not look at football players like they're human. They did. They wouldn't even let them play the game.

They're just their livestock to them. And I have no idea what's going on in this fucking world here. I have no idea what goes on in that tent. I just don't know why all of a sudden it became so secretive. I got one for you. What if somebody fakes an injury every quarter and they go in the tent, right? And inside the tent is a Sam Rothstein type guy from Vegas and he lets them know what they're supposed to do in the next quarter because he has an earpiece getting all the lines that are coming in. Now, to some of you, that's probably conspiracy theory, but to a good 4% of you, that makes 100% sense. I'm actually rooting for the Eagles because a buddy of mine put a bunch

of money on the Eagles and stands at the beginning of the year. And I didn't hear anybody picking the Eagles, right? Because we didn't know that that coach knew what the fuck he was doing. Oh, so anyway, I went to my Twitter a couple hours after the game. I was just like, oh man, the Eagles fan got to be coming at me. And I only had to scroll down about 10 tweets, whatever the fuck you call them. And somebody had sent me that guy, Nick Nodden, his head cracked me up. So whoever did that, thank you for the laugh. All right. So anyway, I also missed a lot of the first game, not only because, you know, once the 49ers were with their third string quarterback, which, you know, as an Eagles fan,

how much shit could you really talk after that one? You know, they bring out something, their third string quarterback guy. I mean, the guy who was like fucking, I think it was Vince Evans, the guy been in the leagues for fucking 19 years, 17 years, they brought that guy in. And I was, I finally tried my hand at a Sunday gravy. Oh, Mike Bertolino. I had some help though. But we made two different kinds of meatballs. We had the beef pot, we had the beef and pork pot. What's that shit? I was trying to remember it earlier. I can't remember what it was called. Brujole. Billy Brujole had that in one pot. I didn't have the right toothpicks where you sew it in and out. So it was kind of hard for me to brown it.

So I browned the bottom and a little bit of the sides and I had to kind of take it out, put it in an air fryer, which, you know, I know a lot of Italians would freak out, but the air fryer is a new thing. It's like Scientology. It's the newest belief on the block. Yeah, it's a tool. So it all fucking worked out and we're on our way home now. And that shit is fucking heating up. So I'm bringing an actual Italian to say, let me know what he thinks. Oh my God, I am in love with that truck. I am in fucking love with that truck. Finally went past it. Oh, Jesus. So anyway, we had some garlic bread. We had a salad. We had spaghetti. We had a nice

I would do the garlic in the also in the air fryer. Yes, we had all the garlic on it, the butter and all of that. And then we put it in like the foil. Oh, did we do that in the oven? The woman helping me did it. I forget. I forget. But I was going to make pasta from scratch, which I actually know how to do that. But I had to make my daughter a belated birthday cake because I make her one every year. And this year we took her to Disneyland. So I, you know, she had a cake there, but I was still like, I got to make, I got to make her one. So I made this one layer chocolate cake that I think came out. All right. Although I was tending to the sauce and all of that. Hey, don't put too many onions in the sauce. I was tending to the sauce and

I had taken the cake out and I needed to take it out of the pan and I left it in the pan a little bit. So the edges of the cake was a little dry, where the inside was a little moist, what was what you wanted. People, I'm basically transitioning out of being a comedian and I'm going to make mediocre Italian food and baked goods. That's what I'm heading towards. So anyway, I have to, I've been a month off of being on the road and it's as much rest as I want to take. So I'm going to start haunting the LA clubs, get my act back together because this past week I went on stage and I was just known as some of the bits. I couldn't quite remember how they went and all of that shit. Plus I got some new stuff that I want to work on and it's all going to be good.

Oh man, my kid told me, you know, I said, make sure you make a little secret wish before you blow out the candle. She goes, I already know what I'm wishing for and it was two things and one of them was a puppy. My son's just too little at this point but I'm just worried though, if you get a puppy, I mean that's literally anywhere from an eight to a 15 year commitment and if like they're into it for like a weekend and then, you know, you get a dog. It's basically a kid that never grows up. Okay, it's not moving out. It's not going to learn how to drive and it's certainly not paying rent and now you got to deal with this thing and I don't know. I think I'm too much of a fucking lunatic. I just really need to focus on being a good dad before I bring the dog

and I'm thinking a couple more years. Who knows? But if I get a dog, I want a dog that I can chill with, you know? So I'm thinking a bulldog but you got to time a bulldog to make sure that it dies when your kids can handle death because the fucking thing's only going to live like nine years. So you can't get it right out of the gate. It's going to die when they're fucking nine, ten years old. I think if you get it like around, I don't know, when they're nine, nine and seven, nine and six or something like that then it's going to live to when they're like, you know, 15 to 18. Maybe that's a little better. I don't know. You guys ever have a dog die? I had a couple dogs die when I was a kid. It was fucking brutal, the first one. The first one was the worst.

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way by going to rocketmoney.com slash burr. That's rocketmoney.com slash burr. Rocketmoney.com slash burr. Any fucking times you got to say it. All right, and with that we are into the reads, man, for this week. All right, response to smug rugby guy. All right, I'm going to be honest with you guys. Last, I don't remember when the hell I read it, this rugby guy basically wrote in to notify me and everybody else in America that evidently the Rugby World Cup not only is a thing, but it's actually going to happen in Los Angeles or in the United States. I don't know where the fuck it's happening. I have no idea. If sometime this year, you notice a bunch of people with cauliflower ears, shorts on with big fucking thighs like oak trees, you can maybe say, okay,

maybe the rugby tournament, the World Cup of soccer. I'm sorry, rugby is going to be here. So this guy was talking all this shit saying how America sucks at rugby and I basically agreed with him. I was like, well, yeah, because we don't give a shit about it. He never identified what country he was from because he's a coward. And I also think he probably doesn't like me, doesn't even play the fucking game. So he's probably like, he seems to me like there's a lot of people that watch NHL hockey and talk about NHL players and call them pussies because they won't drop the gloves and it never like, you know, seeps into their brain like, hey, I've never had a fight in my life or I haven't had like a fight since my sneakers had left and right written on the tops

of them, right? So I feel like a lot of rugby fans are probably like that. No, this guy was. So he was a smug cunt. Response to smug rugby guy. Dear Billy Redrock tight titties. Oh, Redrock titties. I'd like to respond to the guy who talks smack about USA Rugby on Monday's episode. First off, rugby is, as you so dead delicately put it, is a sport we don't care for all that much here in the States. No, it is fucking flat lined. Rugby is Betamax. Rugby is an Android phone. That's just that's an insult to Android phones. Androids are way more. Yeah, it's like, if they were a fat food joint, they would be like, what a burger. You know, yeah, they're around. They didn't ever quite went national. Or maybe no, I would say those A and W

sandwich stands, which I fucking love. Nobody else seemed to. Anyway, and the reason I know that is, he's talking about how it's not really known here, is because I went to the top high school for rugby in the history of the United States, Jesuit High School in Sacramento. Now out of all the fucking cities that I would think would be good at rugby, I would have guessed an East Coast one, because I would think it would go back a couple hundred years to the founding fathers and some people that came over. I don't know how fucking old rugby is. Anyway, so it's the Jesuit School, High School in Sacramento. We not only hosted the top teams from around the country to compete with, winning at least half the national championship years since starting our program in the 90s.

If my sentence is confusing, I mean that since we started in the 90s, we've won a national championship every other year. All right, well, that's a hell of a run. But we've hosted teams from around the world, from countries like South Africa, England, Australia and New Zealand. I got to get a video of the New Zealanders doing the haka before the game. I hope I said that, right? Don't want to piss those people off, man. I've seen that before. That's amazing. Said New Zealand team, who was ranked number one in the world, was losing by two points as time expired. But for some reason, the ref said that there was still time left in the game. They were allowed to drive down the pitch, parentheses field, even though the game should

have been over and kicked the rugby version of a field goal to win the game. The kicker, the stands were filled with the New Zealand team's family members. They flew from New Zealand to Sacramento. Wait a minute. You're saying some high school team beat New Zealand? A pro team? A pro team? Flew from New Zealand to Sacramento. Can you give documentation of this game? Sacramento of all places. Some of my buddies who played in that game, which was about three or four years ago, have since moved on to bigger and better things such as amateur photography and high school football coaching. Anyway, Bill, tell them that we don't care about the sport a couple more times. Thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself.

Well, we got to see if that's fucking true. That sounded true. That was written so eloquently, you know, like the Bill of rights. It's got to be true. All right. Disney, everybody. Oh, I mentioned how I went to Disneyland and I mentioned that I recommended the turkey leg and I got a lot of people saying I was 100% right. Let's see what this person says. Disney, Bill, I had the same reaction to Disney as you. I thought I would hate it as an adult and I got to say I fucking loved it. Oh yeah, absolutely, man. I didn't think I was going to hate it, but I thought it was going to be way more taxing as a parent and the lines were going to be bad and all that and it wasn't. And we went on the weekend and it was packed and it was still awesome. He said, if your kid is not

a manic psycho and your wife is your wife isn't overly obsessed with every detail, it's a great time. Well, check to both of those. My kid's cool and so is my wife. He said, I just sat back, smelled the smells, listened to the whimsical music and ate fun food. You have to be a miserable prick to hate Disneyland. This is one of the truer emails I've ever gotten. It helps to be able to tune out crowds so individuals don't annoy you with their animal behaviors. You know, even the animals didn't bug me. You know, because I look at them that the fact that if they were just animals and we were in some regular space, I would have judged them more. But for some reason, when they're at Disneyland, you think like, you know what, that animal at least knows enough to bring their kids to

Disneyland. So they can't be all bad. Anyway, and of course, seeing your kid be amazed is the best and there's nothing as immersive as that for a kid. I feel like they leave believing more cool shit can happen in the world than before they went. Yeah, it is a truly, for a kid, it's a magical place and for a parent, it's, I don't think it's that, wasn't that difficult. Once you get the turkey leg and all that protein in you, man, I felt like that was my favorite ride as a parent was lunch. This is great. I don't have to stand in line. I get to say, well, I did have to stand in line, but I got to sit down and eat. This is fantastic. All right. Oh, my wife can't drive for shit. Dear Bill, the human circus peanut. I have no idea what that means. What is a circus

peanut? It's got to be at some sort of orange marshmallow type candy thing. You know those things? Oh, that's a circus peanut? Oh, so it's got the Cheeto dust on it? No, no, no. It's like a sweet, spongy candy. Do you know I've never had one of those? Maybe because of the way I look, it would just be redundant. And if I ate it, it was like, you know, they feed cows, cows, if I actually ate a fucking circus peanut. If it's what I think you're saying, like there's a few things that just seem, you know, like certain things just seem wrong. Like, you know what I always seem wrong to me? Cotton candy. It just looked like fucking that insulation they put in the attic. Like, why am I eating this? And why is it good? Oh, yeah. Are those any good? Oh, look

at those. What's inside of them? Yeah, same. Yeah, those peanuts are just like me. You have no idea what's inside me other than some soulless ginger. All right. I'm a 35 year old. Jesus, I better finish this fucking podcast before it gets dark. I'm gonna, I can't want people to read. You like how my voice just cracked there? Dark. Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. We're coming back from the desert. All right, dear Bill, the human circus peanut. All right, I am, I am effectively insulted by that. You son of a bitch. I'm a 35 year old dude from Minnesota and have been happily married to my sweet lady love for the last 10 years. That's fantastic. Congratulations to both of you for all intents and purposes. Things have been great and I love her

with all my heart, but she is absolutely the worst driver I have ever had the displeasure of riding shotgun with in my entire life. Well, why don't you just say I'm driving? Dude, you can't tell me the second Tesla figures out those self driving cars. You're not going to figure out a way to get one of those on the fucking books. Anyway, he says it's not aggressive, just a complete inability to observe her surroundings and terrifying. She's a wonderful person but gets extremely defensive about her driving. Oh God, is there anything worse than when somebody sucks at something and they won't admit it? At some point, just fucking pass the hat onto somebody else. That's the wrong expression, but pass the keys. Okay, though she is unequivocally

the most, okay, she's extremely defensive about her driving though she is unequivocally the most dog shit driver of all time. Sir, you write so eloquently, I'm almost worried that you might be a nitpicker. There's an outside chance, you know, this is really well written for a guy who has podcast listeners that need at least two seconds to try to ponder what the hell they've written. I love her a bunch, but value my safety as well as hers. How do I bring up that she's a violent hazard on the road without turning it into a blowout fight every time? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Every time she flips out about it. Wait, do you guys have kids? Does she drive your kids?

This is what you do. Make the point again, but before you make the point, just say to yourself, I'm not going to engage. I'm not going to get into an argument, I'm not going to raise my voice. And let her flip out and let her scream and yell and you just stick to your guns and just say, listen, there's there's stuff out there for people when they drink too much, you can go out and you can get help. All right, this is an intervention. All right, you're a wonderful mother, you're a wonderful wife, you fucking, you know, you got your great at this, you're great at that, but you know, this is, you know, we're all not good at something, but you have to do this to survive in modern society. And I don't want you to get hurt. This is coming from a place of love from

the bottom of my heart. You fucking suck at driving. If you suck this bad at giving a blowjob, now don't say that. Or just be playful. Just be like, honey, how many people are you going to kill before you finally turn the keys over to me? She's like that drunk driver that doesn't want to fucking hand it over. It is really difficult. It's, I would think it's hard enough as a woman if you're with a guy and he won't admit that he's like, you know, he sucks at something, but women have the option of pouting, crying, using sex as reward or punishment. They got a lot of ways that they can work their way around. You know, you not agreeing with them, but his guys, but I don't know what, what can, it's, they kind of use the same weaponry when you're

telling them some shit. Well, his one, is there something? All right. Okay. You know what? You got to go mind game. All right. We got to fight fire with fire. So this is a woman. So you can't use logic. What you got to do, like you got to go like germ warfare, like they do. All right. So is there something that you suck at that she is aware of and that she calls you out on? And if there's any way, like if there's something about your personality, like maybe you have a fucking temper and what if you went and got a therapist, not cause you want to be a better person. This is all working towards her getting help with their driving. So if you go out and what if you go out and get help with the thing that drives her the most nuts about you? Oh dude, we're going fucking covert

operations here. All right. This is like when the makers of Jeep fucking spread that rumor that the Suzuki Samurai was tipping over and killing college kids and everybody believed that they started buying the Jeep because the Samurai was the cheaper option and evidently was just as fun to drive. This is what we're doing here with your wife. We're going Chrysler corporation. We're going Leia Coco on this one. You just, you work on the shit that she wants you to work on. All right. And then maybe if you lead by example, and if she doesn't, then you can bring it up and just say, Hey, you know, not for nothing. You said I had a temper and I'm in therapy and I'm working on that. I'm not going to say that you need to work on your driving. I just hope someday

that this cannot be a fight and you can listen to me and know that I love you and I want what's best for you and that you could kind of get past this the way I got past my temper and I'm, you know, you know, and she'll be like, don't you throw that in my face. And you'd be like, I'm not throwing anything in your face. I am like facts are not throwing things in your face. Or if she goes, don't you throw that in my face. Just say, you know what? I don't think you're in a place emotionally right now where this is a good time to talk when you calm down. Oh, that'll piss her off, but fuck her. All right. No offense. I know you love her, but fuck her. Just be like, all right, you know, maybe sit some point. You know, when you're calmer, we can discuss this

like adults, but until then I will, you know, I'm going to stay away off the subject. And this is the thing. Do not leave the room after you say that. Just sit down and pick up a magazine. Okay. There's no reason for you to walk away. You're a hundred percent right in this. Okay. Good luck, sir. And God bless the United States of America. All right. All right. Chick throws beer at me. All right. Woman throws a beer. You just got to like, that's just one of their privileges. They can do that. They are allowed to do that and you not only cannot throw a beer back at them, you have to pay the fucking dry cleaning bill. Just laugh and be glad you're not married to her. Just be glad. Before I even get through this,

just be glad that you only know her as chick. Be glad you don't know her name. Be glad she's not in your life unless you call her a cunt and you were an asshole or something. All right. Hey, Billy bitch tits. There you go. Go old school. I was listening to a clip from an old episode of yours where a fan, parentheses a guy, of course, was at your show and had a beer thrown at him by some drunk idiot woman. Yeah. Out here in the desert. Yeah. I played a casino. It reminded me of a similar story of something that happened to me. I was at a bar with a couple of buddies and one of my buddies is a really handsome lady killer type. He approaches a table of about three to four cute but younger early twenties looking girls. He chats them up for a

few minutes and then I come in like the bottom feeder that I am. Before I even finished saying hi, one of the girls cuts me off and says, we don't want to talk to you. We only want to talk to your friend. And I was like, wow, okay, fuck you then and walk away. Well, well, wait a minute. How do you know you weren't interrupting a threesome that was about to happen? You got a little in your ego there. Anyway, my friend obviously sees this and says to them, wow, that was incredibly rude. Goodbye. I can't believe how much hitting on women has changed. See now, if that was back in the day, my friend would have laughed at me and he would have fucking tried to bang at least one of them. And then he would have told the story about how they told me to fuck off and everyone would

have laughed at me and I would have got a nickname out of it. Look at this guy sticking together. So anyway, we laugh about how rude that was and carry on back at our table. A few minutes later on their way out, we happen to be sitting close to the exit. Oh boy. These drunk idiot bitches are so upset and embarrassed at their behavior that they rationalize, I'm the bad guy, of course, and throw a fucking beer at me on their way out of the bar. Thankfully, they mostly missed me, but my poor third friend got some unjustified collateral damage. I followed them out for half a second screaming and cursing at them. That's what they wanted. Then realized there wasn't much I could do. Not like I'm going to or allowed to strike a woman over that. Don't think I ever

wanted to hit a woman so badly out to being treated so poorly for basically no reason. Keep up the good work, old Bill. What you should have said is, hey lady, you probably throw as good as your fuck. Something like that. Or just be, thank you. Have a nice night, ladies. Just something like that. The fact that you act, I gotta be honest with you, dude, the fact that you got up and yelled at them, you had, they actually got a victory out of that. But just know this, they probably were a certain level of good looking and they probably put a lot of collateral on that, which is why they felt that they could talk to you the way that they did. They were also drunk, so I'll give them a little bit of leeway here. I can tell you women like that do not age

well because that's all they got is that they're hot. And when the looks go, all you're left is with the cunt within, which I believe was a horror movie from the 70s. Or was that the beast within? I think the working title was the cunt within when it was first pitched in England and then they brought it over the States. They always got to water it down for us, the beast within. Anyway, the beast within, who the fuck would I ever thought I'd bring up that goddamn movie? It was this weird ass horror movie when we first got cable and there was some like invisible fucking, I don't know what it was, but the thing literally raped some girl, an invisible devil. And it was making like a titties move, like it was grabbing them. So it was basically, I don't know what,

they were shooting like air in their titties. I mean on a special effects level for the early 80s, maybe it was, but I mean it was like all the horror movies had like some form of sexual assault in them when we were growing up, you know? Or you got punished for having sex as a woman, but that's an old topic, everybody knows that. And by the way, you know there's going to be some creep that is now searching for the beast within because they want to see that scene. Anyway, who knows? God knows that money won't go to that director, whoever the fuck worked on it 40 years ago. Anyways, that is the podcast, everybody. I hope you had a nice first month of the year. I had a wonderful month and I'm very thankful for, you know, this time off that I've had and

because you guys all come out to my shows over all of these years. So thank you guys for that. And that's it, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.