Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-6-14

Episode Date: January 7, 2014

Bill rambles about the Mario Lemieux Fantasy Camp, plastic desks and being a medical student.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 6th, 2014. Wow, can you believe we're already 14 years into this century? Can you believe that you're going to die this century unless they come up with some Rogaine for you fucking hot? Yes you are, you are going to die. Let's try to call it right now. I was born in the year of our Lord, 1968. So my goal in life is I'd like to see the 70s again, all right? Because the first time was just so groovy man, sorry I'm fucking punch drunk, uh, getting back. Anyways, stay focused this week Bill, stay fucking focused. Um, yeah, I'd like to make it to about 2072, I'll be 104 years old, you know, it'll be right before they're dead,

getting ready, they're getting geared up for another fucking bicentennial, tricentennial, is that what it's going to be? The tricentennial everybody, and they'll come wheeling me out. He's so old, he remembers the second one, the bicentennial, and I'll be like what? Right? Celebrating, it was 100 years ago today that Richard Nixon resigned from office. I get to watch that ship, the 100th anniversary of the assassination of, uh, fucking John F. Kennedy, can I sound any dumber? Fucking, and, uh, what else would I see? The 100th anniversary of, uh, the Philadelphia Eagles winning a fucking championship, you assholes. How the hell did you lose yesterday? I like the Saints. I like when they go marching in. But you

know something, Verzi got me all hyped up that like the Eagles were probably the best matchup for the Seahawks. And to me, I think the Seahawks are going to win the whole thing, but there would be nothing funnier if they didn't. I got money on them to win it, but it would just be fucking hilarious if they didn't. And then their fans had to go home, the 12th man, 12th man. They have to go fucking home again with that little fucking piece of paper on the wall for their world record, the loudest crowd ever. Really? You don't think the Arab Spring was a little louder? You don't think that that crowd was a little bit louder running for their lives? Um, after being dispersed anyways, what the fuck am

I talking about here? Um, you know, I'm really getting tired of people who don't live in the United States of America talking about it and then going, you know, and this is happening and this is happening. And I just feel like people aren't even aware of it. You stupid arrogant fucking cunt. What the fuck do you get off thinking you know more about my country than I do? I fucking live here. Why don't I tell somebody in Greece what the fuck? I don't think anybody in Greece realized what's going on in their country. Listen, fuckheads from around the world, world, world, world. We know what's going on here. What would you have us do? Protesters in this country are treated the exact same fucking way they are

around the world. If you're lucky, all you get is the water cannon. If you're lucky, only four of you die from the rubber bullets. All right. That's what happens. All right. Mr. fucking big mouth out there. All right. You want to start the fucking revolution? I'll join it. You start it. You get on point. All right there, Gandhi, you fucking take the sheet off your goddamn bed, put on your fucking sandals and you walk down the street. I'll be right behind you in the masses. It's just, and I don't think they're aware of it with one more fucking douchebag. Oh, really? Is it really corrupt like your fucking country also? Really? Are we starting wars because of X, Y and Z? Oh, is that why we're over

there? I couldn't figure it out. I thought we were over there making a fucking Dairy Queen. Thank you for explaining it to me person from somewhere else with your fucking perspective from Nova Scotia. Speaking of Nova Scotia, all freckles is going to come to town. Now what just happened to my computer? All freckles is coming to town. I just got my dates for the big Canadian tour for the big ass fucking Canadian tour. I can tell you this. I can't tell you when. It starts on March 1st and here are some of the wonderful Canadian cities that I'm going to be heading, provinces, whatever the fuck you want to call them. I'm going to be going there and then you guys can tell me what's wrong with my country and then say

to my face that you're surprised that I'm not aware of it. You don't think I have the internet? All right. I'll be at the Capitol Theater in New Brunswick in Moccoct, M-O-S-N-C-T-O-N, New Brunswick. That one starts. That's March 1st, March 2nd. I'll be at the Rebecca Conn Auditorium in Halifax, Nova Scotia. On the 5th of March, I'll be in Montreal, Quebec. The 6th, I'll be in Ottawa. The 7th, I'll be in Hamilton, Ontario. The 8th, I'll be in Toronto, Ontario. On the 13th, I'm going to be in Winnipeg. On the 14th, I'm going to be in Edmonton. On the 15th, I'm going to be in Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. And then I'm going to be in the 16th, I'm going to finish it up on the West Coast in

Vancouver, British Columbia. So there you go. All right? And I'm going to go up there and ask you guys if you're aware of what's going on in your country. I'm sorry. I know I've been doing a lot of yelling on this podcast and I apologize. I apologize for my mood. I apologize to... Oh, I don't even fucking know. Isn't that what you have to do now as a comedian? You make a fucking joke and then you have to go out and apologize. Every goddamn week, somebody says something, somebody decides to take it seriously, then all of a sudden, the person has to apologize, you know, like they meant it. Oh, you took it seriously. So I guess now I meant it. Why don't you lighten up? Why doesn't everybody just collectively grow a

tougher skin? Why don't you do that? Well, why don't you stop being such a cunt? Well, hey, that's a decent point. That's a decent point. Somebody asked what's talking to me about fat shaming this week. Once again, talking about how it's a terrible thing to do. I got to tell you something. If you guys want... I love fat shaming. I absolutely love it. That's how I stay in shape. I fat shame myself. Time I get out of shape, I just stand in the mirror, look at you. Look what you did, you fucking goddamn pink pig. What the fuck is wrong with you? And I just trashed myself. I just yell at myself. It's the weirdest thing to yell at yourself in the mirror because you're getting in your grill and you're looking away at the same time. It's fucking

tremendous. It's like that movie Face Off, except it's all you, right? Isn't that what happened in that movie? Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. I do one of these every sort of Monday. I like putting them out late, just watching people because they take the fucking name so literally. You know, when you went to the movie theater to go see Saturday Night Fever on a Thursday, what did you fucking bid? Well, they should call this Thursday Night Fever because it's Thursday. You can listen to them whenever you want to. I have years of these fucking things, years and years of ignorance I have recorded. Go listen to a back one. First of all, it's fucking Monday. Shouldn't you be at work, you asshole? Oh, I'm on my soapbox this week.

Anyways, so I was flying back from Pittsburgh this weekend and I had basically the greatest weekend of my life. How do I even start this fucking week? I guess I gotta start at the beginning of the week. Right? What do I work my way backwards? What do you guys want to hear? You want to hear the shit show into the greatest fucking weekend of my life? Or you want to hear about the greatest weekend of my life? And then I'll backtrack into the shit show. Would that make you feel better? I think it would, judging by the tone on the internet that, oh, wow, Bill had a great fucking time. I should lead with that and then go back to mine and I should end with my embarrassments. All right? So it lands softly and you can feel okay at your plastic fucking desk that they got at

OfficeMax. All right? That's when you know you're not making it in life, when your desk is made out of plastic. All right? Nobody ever sat behind a plastic desk, chomping on a nice cigar after making some fucking zillion dollar deal that caused one armed diamond diggers to be a little further down in the mud. Nobody's ever done that. Okay? You want a fucking wood desk? Desk may add a wood. In case I confused you. All right? And if you're sitting at a plastic desk right now, I'm not saying you're a bad person, but I'm saying that you need to now desk shame yourself. All right? Why don't you take out your little compact or maybe look into your little zippo lighter, look into your eyes and I want you to find the sadness. I want you to look a little deeper

and I want you to see the dream way in the back of your eyes and I want to know where it went and when you're going to bring it back up to the fucking front row. All right? Now, that might have sound cunty, but that was supposed to inspire you. So right now, I want you to slam your fist down on your plastic desk until it fucking shatters and I don't know what else the rest of the plan is. Maybe you can get everybody else to start doing it like a bunch of monkeys. You just start doing it and start throwing your shit around the room. I don't know what tip over your cubicles. I want that for all of you. Isn't it fun to scare people in suits? So, you know something? Joe DeRosa never picks up his phone and now he's calling me. Hey, Joey Roses.

I'm doing my podcast and unlike you, I actually pick up my phone, you fucking pencil-shaped cunt. Hey, let me call you after this. Hey, this is a great time, Joe. Now that we're both living on the same coast, to maybe let the listeners know that there's a lot of rumors that the uninformed show might come back together again. Lenin and McCarthy might finally bury the hatchet, right? I hope you guys can hear that. All right, fuckhead. I'll call you later, all right? All right, Joe. Anyways, fuckhead. Jesus, did I pull that out of fourth grade recess? Hey, dickface. Anyways, I don't know where to start. All right, fuck it. I'm going to go with the

most vivid memory. This weekend, I had the greatest weekend in my life. About, I don't know how many months ago, the wonderful, the generous, the always classy, and sometimes sassy, Randy Bauman from WDVE in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, who basically, he helped build me in that market. You know, I wasn't selling shit, I wasn't selling any tickets in Pittsburgh and I think Billy Gardell told me about him. I can't remember how the hell the thing went down, but he has got this great morning radio show and he said, listen, next time you come to Pittsburgh, come in, fly in on a Monday night. I'll have you on the radio Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. You run your freckled face for the four days and we'll get you going in this market. He helped build me up and all that type

of stuff. As if that wasn't enough. So he turned that weak market into one of my strongest cities to go to and it is such a great city to go to. As if that wasn't enough. Oh, Randy Bauman called me up. I don't know how many months ago and he says, listen, would you be interested in doing stand up at the, you know, Mario Lemieux has a fantasy camp and it raises money for cancer research and all this type of stuff. It's just this great thing. You come in, you do stand up, you meet some of the guys, he always has some of the guys he played with, they're hanging out, blah, blah, blah. And I was just like, yeah, I was like, absolutely. That's all it started is was just this little thing. And then he calls me back. He goes, Hey, don't you play hockey a

little bit? I'm like, yeah, you know, I try. I try. He goes away. They have, you know, the camp, they, you know, everybody plays hockey. They have like four teams. They play each other and all that type of stuff. If you want to come on and play with one of the teams one day, you play with a penguins play and all that. Would you like to do that? I'm like, absolutely. Of course I would. So long story short, I show up and I bring my pads and I bring all the stuff because I think, I just think it's just going to be a pickup game of hockey. And I don't know, without getting like tacky and just saying all the stuff that they gave everybody who, it's ridiculous. You show up, they give you a frigging hockey bag with your goddamn name on it. And inside there is all, all the,

all the stuff, the socks, the gloves, the jersey, a helmet, the whole thing. And all you have to do is just bring your pads. You're good in a stick and you're fine. And next thing you know, you're, you're playing hockey way with the penguins play. Oh, and you also go to the hockey game before it was, it's too much to even try to describe. So anyways, we do the stand-up show. I don't know who's in the crowd other than Mario Lemieux. And I don't want to know. I don't want to fucking know who's there because, because they're legends. And of course I go on stage, I look to the right and there's Mario Lemieux sitting there. It's like you can hide when you're six foot six. And thank God I saw him smiling and he was laughing. Long story short, at the end,

at the end of it, I met like seven or eight guys that I grew up watching. I don't know. It was just, it was the sickest thing ever. I don't know. It was unbelievable. Paul Coffey, you know, other than Bobby Yor, the greatest frigging defenseman of all time, Theo Flurry, Brian Trotier, it was, it was insane. It was fucking insane. The whole Thai Domi that they were all in the crowd. Thank God I didn't know. Thank God I didn't know. Jesus Christ. It was, my head's spinning right now. And, and we ended up going out with playing on the ice. Trotier is our coach. Lemieux's on the other team with Paul Coffey. Mark Recky was on my team. Two years removed from

winning a Stanley Cup. I'm playing with this guy and it was insane. And then a bunch of regular people, actually everybody else was better than I was, but I mean just we're all skating with them. It was insane. It was fucking insane. Speechless. I don't, I, you know, I don't even have, the only funny story I can think of for the weekend, because I was in a daze the whole weekend, it was so awesome, was how awful I played. Jesus Christ. It was fucking brutal. I really wanted to play a lot better than I did. I'm not going to lie to you. And everyone's doing that. You know, you were good for three years and you were good. I don't sugarcoat it. I sucked. So I'm motivated to, I'm motivated to fucking to get better at that game. So if I ever get to do a play again,

I can actually maybe handle the puck for more than two seconds without it getting taken away from me, but it was just the best, the best fucking time I ever had. And I still can't believe it happened. I was actually sitting there and Steve Byrne was the other comic on it. I'm sitting on the bench and he's playing defense with Paul Coffey and I'm watching Paul Coffey pass the puck to my buddy. It was the sickest thing. It was the sickest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. So that happened. And so that was the great, okay, so that was the great thing this weekend. Dude, Ty Domey showed us how he, how he would beat up a guy a foot taller. He showed us his technique. I'm not going to get into it. Ask him about it someday. If you ever run into him,

it was fucking unbelievable. And they were all hilarious. They were all great guys. Who else? Randy Hilliard played for the Bruins for a while early on when I first started watching the Bruins. It was insane. It was absolutely insane. I'm trying to make sure I don't forget anybody. Rick Tocket, Jesus Christ. He was skating by Eddie Johnston. The Bruins goalie who won in 70 and 72. And I was going, I was like, Starstruck on, I just read Bobby Boy's book. I turned to look at an eight year old kid and he goes, I talked to him this morning. I'll tell him you liked it. And I was like, Oh my God, he knows Bobby you are. It was just, it was insane. The greatest thing ever. If you're ever

going to do a fantasy camp, there's no way there's one out there that's better than the Mario Lemieux one. I got to tell you, they, it was 100% first class. It was just the greatest thing ever. All right. So that's that. All right. Now, and right now, I know I'm going to get an up bunch of tweets going, Bill, fuck you. Go fuck yourself for having that experience. And you know what? You're right. I have no business having an experience like that. Thank you to Randy Bowman for hooking the whole goddamn thing up. All right. Plowing ahead here. What do I got here? Let's do some advertising. Do some advertising. How about you read some average? How about you make an attempt, Bill?

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the fucking butcher. All right, so backing up a little bit earlier this week, I did the New Year's Eve gig at the Wiltern Theater right here in Los Angeles, and that's a theater that I've been wanting to do for years. It's just an art deco building. It's just awesome. I've seen a bunch of great rock shows there. I saw them crooked vultures. I saw one of the last shows of Velvet Revolva. I just saw a bunch of great things there. I saw a cup, I saw a modern drummer drum off there. What else? I know I've seen like 10 shows there. I can't really think of anything else. Maybe some of them were like Nia shows. Who knows? Anyways, so I finally got to go down. I went down there when, oh, I know I went down there when Rogan and Stan Hope were

down there knocking it out of the park. We had the Greg Geraldo benefit down there. It was just one that I always wanted to headline someday, and I got to do it, and I did it with Andrew Thamelis, Jason Lawhead and Joe Bartnick, and it was just such an awesome night. Fucking great crowd. Everybody seemed to have a great time, and all my friends had great sets, and Bartnick went on in front of me and was in rare form. He brought the fucking lumber that night. It was just an unreal night, and then we had a DJ come out in the end. I got to do the countdown, took some pictures with some fans afterwards. It was just a great way to start the new year, so the next day, actually later on that day, because we'd left about one, two o'clock in the morning,

we went over to the Rose Bowl, and I was an absolute shit show this year. I'm embarrassed at myself. I drank so much. Usually, I pass out during the game for like five minutes, and somebody nudges me, and I wake up. I drank so much, I fucking passed out at the tailgate. Fucking, I don't know what happened. I started hitting the hard stuff. I shot gun to beer. All right, for the first time in my life, by the way, I never did it. I never did it, because I was too afraid. There was always girls around. I was like, I'm going to do it, and it's going to go all over me, and then nobody's going to like me, and I'm going to have to switch schools, because that's the way my brain would work, rather than maybe they'd laugh, and you'd say something funny, and

next thing you know, you're having a good time with one of the ladies. That's not how my brain looked. They're going to smash me over there with the beer can, and throw me off a fucking cliff, like that's how my fucking, that's how my brain still works, but I'm aware of it now. And as it starts screaming in wine, and I just, there's another voice in my head going, no, it's not, it's not going to happen. It's going to be fine. The light's going to turn green, and you're going to get down the road. There's going to be something to eat, you'll be fine. Fucking, Jason Law had smoked a pork shoulder, and I have no recollection of eating it. I don't even remember it. I was, I was, I blacked out, ate a pork shoulder sandwich, and then I passed out,

somewhere in there, I shot gun to beer, and then walking in to the fucking Rose Bowl, I started screaming at this girl who's like 23 and cowboy boots, screaming, you're not as hot as you think you are, to the point it got uncomfortable. It's just fucking, I vaguely remember that, vaguely remember that, and they reminded me afterwards, and I have been so fucking embarrassed, so fucking embarrassed, this whole, I just, you know, like, when you do something horrible like that, I don't know about you guys, but when I think about it, I ought, like, in my head, I just start talking out loud, making noises, to kind of drown out the thought, I would just think about it, and be like, ah, Jesus, they're

just, and I would do it like standing in line at security at an airport, and people looking at me like, now I'm like a fucking terrorist, and it's like, no, no, no, no, I was a scary drunk older man to a 23, 24 year old woman, it was just awful. So as always, I am on the wagon again, I was on the wagon until the fucking hockey thing this weekend, okay, it's not like, you know, when guys you grew up watching start buying beers and shit, you're gonna be like, Clark fucking Gillies, sorry, I met Clark Gillies last night, talked to him about his, his fights with Dave Schultz, I got to do that. Did I get to do it? Is it all a fucking dream? I don't even remember. So anyway, so I am on the wagon, but I took two days off. So it was insane, and I had like fucking three

of those sandwiches, you know, where they have the french fries and the coleslaw in them on the fucking bread. We closed down that place one night, me, Steve Byrne and fucking Baum and and a couple other couple other people, I just closed that place down. Fucking Byrne was an animal man. Every time we went, we went to the penguins game, he ordered two of them. And then we went to the fucking place, like the next day, after our show, I should really know the name of the place. It's like famous. I never remember the name of the restaurants. He fucking, he ate two more. He ordered two and I ate half of his a pastrami one with french fries and fucking coleslaw. It was insane. And then last night, they had catering and it was more of them.

And he just kept, he can't not eat them. They're delicious. They make you obese. They're awesome. They're Pittsburgh. It's everything Pittsburgh. If you could make Pittsburgh and do a fucking sandwich, this is the goddamn sandwich. Some of the best heart attack food you'll ever have. I would actually say that Pittsburgh rivals Chicago, Chicago, phenomenal, phenomenal fucking heart attack food. Just like just that, that city is just all, you know, it starts tomorrow. The diet starts tomorrow. I'm quitting drinking tomorrow. Like, like, if I lived in Chicago, or if I lived in Pittsburgh, I would be about 260 pounds, you know? And at that point, you have to grow a mustache, some sort of facial hair, you know, just to just hide your big fucking face.

Dude, what a fucking weekend, man. Now all this shit's coming back to me. Trotje told the story. He scored the fastest goal ever. I actually watched it on YouTube when I was looking up his highlights when I was going to go there to do the show. And I knew that he was going to be there. Next thing you know, he was talking about it and was standing there on a phone watching it. He scored in five seconds and he's just graciously standing there like he hasn't won six Stanley cups talking to me like I like I'm fucking remotely on his level. Greatest fucking guys ever this weekend. He's telling me breaking down the whole play of how he scored in five seconds and how it's only been tied. He did it against the Bruins and it was just what a what a

fucking weekend, man. Christ, I'm floating here. So anyways, despite all of that, you know what's funny is I was eating those french fry coleslaw fucking, I almost said tuberculosis sandwiches, meat sandwiches. And the whole weekend though, I was also doing yoga every day because I was not going to have my back give out on me while I was out on the ice because I already knew what my performance level was going to be like. So I kind of like offset it a little bit, but I'm looking pretty doughy these days, not liking myself whatsoever. So anyways, that was basically my weekend. And then the Rose Bowl was an absolute, it was awesome. And I'm so pissed at myself that I got that fucking drunk.

And that was belligerent. And then also that I forget some of the best part, the tailgate flew by and I have to wait a whole nother year. Next year, I'm drinking fucking, I'm drinking Miller. That's it. Champagne of beer, I'm doing that. They go down nice and easy at fucking seven in the morning. Kick a couple of those back when I have an omelet, throw the football around, fucking tailgate like you've been there before, Bill. You know, I'm like at these fucking Rose Bowl tailgates. I'm like Charlie Brown every fucking year trying to kick the football and Lucy pulls it away. How many fucking years, Bill? One of them I was stone sober. You know what's funny? I don't even remember that one either. Anyways, but as always, Jason Lawhead, Rose Bowl tailgate legend.

If you ever are around that man when he's near a fucking grill, grab yourself a paper plate and wait your fucking turn. Because that dude, he just keeps getting better at cooking. He's fucking insane. I remember one point some woman walked by and she looked at the fucking, the pork shoulder that he was smoking. And she said, oh, that's nice. And I swear to God, if I had a couple more beers, I would have tackled her. That's nice fucking kind of understatement is that I vaguely remember talking into a camera shit face going, did you grow up in a city of gold? You know, fucking nice. Jesus Christ. I'm sure your mom was swell. All right, let's plow ahead here. What else did I want to talk about? I didn't even have a chance to watch any of the football. And I apologize

what I said about the Eagles. I'm not trying to rub your face in it. Did anybody see the video with that guy that Eagle fans spit in that Saints fans face? I don't condone that behavior, but you're a fucking asshole. The other guy was a fucking asshole jumping up, but you don't do that. There's, there's an etiquette when you go into another stadium, when you okay, you want to show up wearing your, your, your fucking colors. All right, you know, everybody's going to break your balls. You go in, you fucking roll with it. You laugh. You take the shit. And then you show that you're not going to be an asshole. And usually that works other than on like in Oakland, San Francisco, San Diego or Philly. For some reason, I don't know, out here that you get stabbed or shot or just,

it just, it gets really ugly. And in Philly, you know, I guess it gets ugly too, but it's not like there hasn't been a bunch of stories about it. That team just lost in the playoffs. People like, well, he does never write to cheer. He isn't cheering. He's turning around filming sad Eagle fans walking out of the stadium, screaming, who day, who day and all this type of shit. And I guess the dude, I listened to it at the airport. It was really loud. I guess he said, I'm going to spit in your face. And he kept doing it in this dude just fucking effortlessly. You know, fluidly as he was exiting the stadium spit right in this guy's face. And which is a terrible fucking thing to do. You shouldn't do it. But it's one of those that

guy literally should just go to Central Park at three in the morning, dress like Liberace jumping up and down, holding a satchel of money, go look at all the money I got, right. And then when he gets hit over the head and mugged, right, that's still wrong. It shouldn't happen. But what are you doing? Why don't you tie a big fat steak to your fucking stomach and bloody steak and go jump in an alligator infested fucking lake? Why don't you do that? And then I'm supposed to feel bad for you when the alligator fucking eats you. All right. That Eagle fan was wrong. He shouldn't have done that shit. But the Saints fan was, was reckless with his own wellbeing, careless, sloppy. All right. If you were driving a fucking boat, you would have run out of ground

because you weren't paying attention. You had no respect for yourself or your own safety or the dryness of your face in that moment, sir. All right. And he was not sharing. He was taunting. He was filming Eagle fans leaving screaming that who day. All right. He's lucky. He didn't get a bucket of urine dumped over his head. You do that and Philly, I'm surprised you lived. So there you go. So look up that video. And like I said, I don't condone that behavior, obviously, but I can't judge it considering I yelled at a young lady, young lady in cowboy boots, because I was drunk. So now I am back on the wagon. All right. And I reserve the right that if I'm, you know, if anything else like that happens, I'm going to, I'm going to start drinking again,

but I'm not, I'm not, you know, like that fucking, you know, I, that I'll give a fuck how long you were sober. You would have started drinking too. Anyways, what else? And Jesus Christ. Oh my God. I would say if I ever see somebody with Kansas City Jersey on or something, I'd just give them a hug, but I wouldn't do that because that would actually make it worse. That would be some sort of pandering. What happened to Kansas City Chief's fans should not happen to anybody. And I, that includes Yankee fans. Nobody should have to fucking go through that. But that is today's NFL with the rule changes. You are never out of it. That was absolutely fucking insane. I feel bad for Chief fans and I feel great for Andrew Luck

because I like that guy, man. I really think that that guy is a, obviously, I mean, I'm not going on a limb. That guy is showing, he's got that L way thing. He's got that fucking L way thing. He's got a cannon. He can run. He's never better than when the game's on the fucking line. He's showing hints of that and it's fucking scary. The potential of that guy. So anyway, all these guys, Cam Newton's have an unbelievable year. Did they play this weekend? I missed everything. I missed everything. I was too busy fucking having the weekend of my life. I still cannot fucking believe that happened. I still cannot believe how nice all the players were, how gracious all of them were.

They, they would just, if they were fucking hilarious, just stand around, drinking beers, breaking balls, and then you went out and you played hockey with it. It was just, it was fucking unbelievable. Un, un fucking believable. Unbelievable. I'll never get over it. Greatest fucking weekend of my life. Anyways, so now, yeah, that's my thing. I'm officially fucking old as hell. 45 going to be 46 this year. So I'm doing the, I'm hitting the yoga hard this year because I was starting to have like, I like, I'm so old. I like throw out my back sleeping. It's so fucking humbling. You sit there and you lie to yourself. You know, I look good for my age. I can still run around and shit. And it just, you just can't after a while. I don't know what it is.

How do you throw you back out sleeping? Don't even fucking say it's a mattress. I've been sleeping on this mattress. It's a newer one. I've been sleeping on it for a couple of years. It's still got years left in it. It's me. Oh, Jesus Christ. I wake up in the morning and my dog, she does two stretches, up dog, down dog, and she shakes herself and she is ready to go. She gets a yawn in there somewhere else and she's ready to go. And then she's staring at me. And at this point she knows not to get too excited because she knows the entire stretching routine that I have to go through just to walk her down the street. She gets excited, but then she just knows I have to, I got to do like this whole, like this six minute stretch routine.

And it drives, it drives her nuts trying to fucking remain calm because she wants, because she loves going outside like every dog. So goddamn bad. I don't know. I guess I just, I just have to, I just have to accept it. And I forgot to mention the New Year's gig. We got a bunch of emails. Some people came in from New Mexico, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Portland, Sacramento, Chicago, San Diego, New York City, and Vancouver, man. That's just, that's fucking awesome, man. And I got to tell you, that was a great show that night. That really was a great show. I'm not even gonna lie. I was, I was on my game. Everybody was on that game. If you came that night, you definitely got a,

definitely got your money's worth. And I'm actually thinking about maybe doing New Year's in LA every other year, because I, you know, I got the new hour going where it's supposed to be. And it's worth the money every other year, as far as like, if you, if I just did your fucking city, you know what I mean? If I come back a year later, like half my acts still can be the same. And I, I fucked you over. So I do it like every other year. Whatever, I don't need to break down my fucking process. I don't want you guys an explanation. Do I? I don't fucking know. Anyways, where are we? Where are we in the podcast here? 43 minutes flying by here. All right, let's get to, oh, here's an email right here. Conveniently

enough about the, the Will Turn. Billy Wood. I was at the Will Turn last night for your show. My girlfriend and I drove, drove down from Portland. Jesus Christ, dude. Take the five south, the whole fucking way. We got tickets right when you announced it because we knew we wouldn't want to do any of the traditional New Year plans, dinner and parties and all that bullshit. They are all mediocre at best, but last night's show was hilarious. Thank you. Everyone was hilarious. Up and down, the funniest show I've ever seen. We stayed for the countdown and you didn't disappoint. Oh, it's great. We had a DJ and I got to do the countdown and sing that depressing song. It was fucking awesome. He said, if ever the end of the world is coming, I'd want you to do the final

countdown before we all burst into oblivion. Thanks again for the laughs. Come to Portland. Christ, it's been forever. Yeah, I haven't been there in a while. Thank you. That isn't even like a question or anything. That was just a nice email and I appreciate it. All right, Australia. Hi, I was wondering if Bill will return to Australia. I have a group of friends who would appreciate seeing a stand up show. Thank you and kind regards. Look how nice these emails are this week. I think everybody made a new year's resolution to be a little nicer to me in the emails. You know, maybe for once think about my feelings. Yes, I was talking to my agent today about putting together a run through Australia and my fucking goddamn phone never stops.

I'm definitely going to do it. I mean, I'm hoping to tour the entire country. If not, I am at the very least, I'm going to do a number of cities. That is the game plan. I'm hoping to go from Perth all the way across. We'll see what it looks like. You never know what you know, when you're going to cities, you never been to, you don't know if people are going to show up. You got to get a promoter who's going to believe in you. You got to get people who are going to hype the show, yada, yada, yada. But I really hope that we can put something together, maybe tack on New Zealand while I'm at it. We shall see. We shall see, but it's nice to know that people are asking. All right, long distance hiking. Now, last week I mentioned that I went

on a hike and we just kept going and going like assholes, not realizing that we had to walk back. Hiking is not like a treadmill. You don't just get to step off and be like, oh, I'm still, despite the fact I walked for an hour, I am still only, you know, 10 paces from the parking lot in my car. We ended up going on like a, an 11 mile hike and it was exhausting to say the least. So this person is writing about long distance hiking. Another great old man thing to do, yoga, hockey, ice hockey and hiking. You know, all right. Hey Bill, I've been listening to your podcast long enough to know that you love hiking. You hate getting fat and you get easily annoyed by day to day bullshit. I really think you'd enjoy backpacking. Oh Jesus. Backpacking. I know it's awesome,

but can you call it something else? Backpacking. I just feel like I'm fucking waiting for a bus picking my nose by way to get the shit kicked out of me. Hey, you guys want to go backpacking? It's a pack. You put on your back and you go backpacking or long distance hiking. Okay, let's call it that. It's a really, I don't know, long distance hiking freaks me out because I feel at that point you've walked long enough to run into something that can maul you to death slash, rip your face off or at the very least just sort of bite your throat until it stops feeling the pulse. You know, start getting into that next weight class of animals. I don't know, you know, mountain lions, black bear, grizzly bear, fucking anaconda, whatever exotic pet that somebody

let loose that has no natural enemy that is now taking over the forest. Long distance or long distance hiking. It's really, it's really freeing to walk away from civilization for a week or more with a solid pair of boots and everything you need strapped to your back. Dude, fuck that, you're more man or woman than I am. I can't fucking deal with that. I get scared. I get, I get freaked the fuck out. I'd have to be out there with somebody who knew what they were doing, who had a gun, automatic too, not even semi-automatic. I need something that I could spray in the general direction of the sound I just heard. And you know, if we kill a couple of backpackers, there's no one else around, burying them is optional. I would say leave them above

ground because they'll get picked away a lot quicker and people will find their clothes. I guess the bones would be there. That's creepy. See what happens when you go out in the wilderness? So you start fucking talking about shit like that. I live in a suburb, okay? There's plenty of people to shoot and I never think of doing it. They're right out there, right fucking out there. I never think of shooting them. All of a sudden you get me backpacking or long distance hiking and I'm trying to think out of buried bodies. All right, every time I finish a long hike, I come back looking healthier and leaner and feeling refreshed. Yeah, because you're out there eating berries, wiping your ass with fucking pine cones. That's why you have that

peculiar look on your face. No matter how much you eat on the trail, you're guaranteed to lose weight if you spend six hours a day hiking with a 35 pound backpack. There's no need to limit yourself to salads and juice. I can't tell you how many times I've had older day hikers look at my backpack and tell me they wish they had done more backpacking when they were able to. It's a really unique experience out there on your own. Yeah, I bet it is. Well, can you please write back and tell me what you do about animals, man? Because I'm telling you right now, I'm not doing this. You know, the only way I would do this is I was in a fucking platoon and we all had machine guns, just in case I missed. Anyways, oh, here he goes. He's going to calm me down and it isn't nearly as

dangerous or as difficult as people make it out to be. If you stay on the trail, you'll usually run across another hiker every few hours. Oh, that's comforting. That's comforting. Every couple hours, I can run into Johnny Apple seat. But during the other hour and 50 minutes, I'm on my own. All right. You're running, usually run into another hiker every few hours that can help you if you get hurt and bears, mountain lions and all those other beasts kill a lot fewer people than Los Angeles traffic accidents do. Well, I used to do a bit on that. Well, obviously, because the fucking you know, there's you're running into one person every two hours, sir. Let's do the math here. Okay. Here's the deal. There's like 7 million people in Los Angeles. Okay. You can't fucking go anywhere

without running into like 1000 fucking people out here. You're somewhere where you walk every two hours and run into one human being. So obviously, I can guarantee you if those lines and mountain lines were down here, the death rate would be through the fucking hiker. So you can't go anywhere and mountain lions were down here. The death rate would be through the fucking roof. All right. This is the guy is what he says to he goes, just keep your food away from your tent and you'll be fine. Do you understand, sir, that you're telling me to do something where if I'm too near my food supply, I could possibly get eaten to death. You want me to leave my living room? You know, why can't I just sit on my back porch?

Listen, I would love, I would love to go hiking like that. I really would, but I cannot get past no, and I don't think you should be able to get past it that there's that type of shit is out there. All right. And if you get mauled to death as a standup comedian, you really were just looking for trouble. Weren't you? That's, you know, somebody just asked me to do a cruise, to do standup on a cruise. And I told them I wasn't going to do it. And they said, why not? And I said, because I'm terrified of the ocean. Okay. That's why I don't, I, I, I respect it. The ocean is not the ocean. It is the ocean, but it's, it's literally, you're talking about

it's outer space on earth. That's what it is. Okay. You can't breathe in it. You're not, you can't be in it. If you're in it too long, you're either going to get hypothermia or something's going to come up and take a bite out of you to see if you're edible. Or you're going to drown. Those are your three fucking options. And I know what you're thinking, dude, cruise is a safe man. You're out there on this big fucking boat. Yeah. And until you're not, until you're not, and then you proceed to die one of the slowest, most terrifying fucking deaths that there is treading water in the middle of fucking nowhere and somebody's going to die no matter how fast they can fucking get you out there. Somebody is going to die

and people follow. I fucking would did one cruise in my life and I could not, I couldn't get past the fact that I was on something that the second it fucking shits the bed. And I know you guys think that you go, I've been on cruises and go fuck yourself. I talked to the band that was on this cruise ship for fucking years and they told me stories over a little fucking plate of jello late at night. Those awful cruise desserts. So poor excuse for fucking. I also, I don't like fucking going out there and all of a sudden it's maritime laws and this douchebag who didn't even run for office is now telling me what the, he, he, it's whatever he says goes with this stupid ass fucking outfit. Go fuck yourself. They told me stories.

Okay. They told me, they told me enough fucking stories about food poisoning, about shit backing up, about one engine not working and now they're going half speed and then they don't make it to all the cities and then they make up shit about hurricanes and then they have fucking, trust me, people having medical issues and having to be fucking helicoptered off and flown as quickly as humanly possible, not to the best possible hospital, to the nearest one. All right. And you're going on a cruise. They go all over the fucking world and they go buy a bunch of fucking countries that you wouldn't want to fucking get if I have a goddamn hang nail in, but all of a sudden they're the closest one and that's where the fuck you're going.

Oh, Dr. Harry hack it off. Fuck that. Fuck that. All right. Fucking combined standup comedy and water world. I'm not doing it. All right. So that's the thing about, I would absolutely love to go backpacking. I would love to do that. I would love to go up fucking mountains. I would love to do that. It's way better than going to the gym. I understand 100% what you're talking about, but dude, that shit where you run into a bear, mama bear and it just turns around and just runs at you 35, 40 miles an hour. You basically, and you're sitting there hearing this, this beast like trees getting out of the fucking way. It's this thing is just coming flying down the

fucking hill at you and you're running knowing you're going to get caught and you're hearing your stupid pots and pans clinking together and all you're trying to do is just get out in front of your friend. So he's the one that goes down and so you can live knowing for the rest of your life, for the rest of your life, what your strategy did killed your friends here in his Christ. Whatever the, what is the sound of having your face ripped off? I like to lose weight like the next guy. Jesus, go out there with your beer, your fucking bear mace. Fuck all of that. Bears, mountain lions, poisonous snakes. What about if you just, and then all the fucking varmints out there? I love that word

because you sent me, Sam's the only person I ever heard use it and I, when I found out it was actually a credible word and not something made up. I absolutely love that word, varmints. You know, Badgers, Wolverines, Bobcats. People look at Bobcats like they're no big deal. Have they gotten scratched by a fucking house cat? How bad that that thing can fuck you up with its little ass fucking paws? All right. You want a goddamn lynx jumping on you? Going to fucking town because it's bored or you freaked it out or you came near too near something that it peed on and you have no fucking idea. That's another thing, dude. You're in their world. This guy actually, actually respected the fact that I said I'm not doing it, but I also, I think he thought

it was pretty peculiar that I wouldn't do a stand up on a cruise. I just jumped subject. Sorry. And I was waiting for him to ask me why and I would just be like, well, you know, would you do a podcast? You know, and on a boat in a lake that's full of fucking alligators? I mean, you can, okay, we're on the boat. Everything's fucking fine, but it really is just an unnecessary risk that you take. It goes all the way back to that fucking Saints fan. He got off easy. That same fucking guy put that guy with his jersey, with his video camera, camera, walking up to a mama bear screaming, who day, who day, and all that type of shit. He's worried about getting spit in his face. He would have bear saliva all around his fucking neck.

Ah, Jesus Christ. I've actually thought about that. Like, what do I have to do if a bear was running right at me? I just wish that I would have the wherewithal to run right at it. Like, you know, if a shark was coming at me, swim right at it and as quickly as you can, shove your fucking head in there and get it over with. That is the only fucking strategy. What are you going to climb a tree? Things going to go right up that tree. Do you ever see that YouTube video of those guys sitting in the tree hunting that bear and all of a sudden the bear just literally runs up the tree next to him and is like, like, I don't know, seven feet above him on the tree next to him,

leaning out sniffing at them, trying to figure out what the fuck they are. And I love how the bears just instinctively, instinctively know. It's just like, like, with that bear eight feet above you, that's like when you're in the upper deck of a stadium, you know, and your shit faced and you get into it with somebody two rows behind you, they automatically have the advantage because they're punching down, right? You're going to lose that fight. You're going to fall on your back. You're probably going to break your ankle. Something's going to get twisted. It's this guy's punching down at you. Not just imagine it was a bear. That was the situation these people are in. You got to check out that video. This fucking bear,

it was on the ground and they're whispering in their little fatigues looking at this thing. And then this thing, I don't know how it found him. You just heard and that was it over. This thing was all of a sudden not on the floor of the forest, 20 feet down. It was now eight feet above them sniffing at them like, ooh, is that a food source? Jesus, dude, you really just hit on like two people today hit on two tremendous fears I have being alone in the fucking wilderness and, and, and being out to sea. Fuck both of those. Although I want to hear the stories if you do it. You know, not if you went on a cruise. I don't give a shit going out there eating jello with your date rate drug. Fucking weirdo. You know, to go see the reunion of wham,

Cindy Lauper cruise, whatever the fuck you're doing. I don't know. All right. Advice on college selection. Oh wait, let me, let me read the last couple of fucking ads here. All right. Oh, the classic. Here we go. Taking it to the street. Stamps.com everybody. One great resolution you can make for this new year. Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. And you know what? I know an easy way to do that. An easy, simple way. What is it? It's Stamps.com. Think about how much time you've wasted going to the post office. Are you done thinking about it? Driving there, finding parking, standing by the homeless guy holding the door. You got a fish for a dollar, paying in the ass. Just use what you already have. Wait,

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plus $110 bonus that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. All right, who's next? Who's next for the butchering? Evoise. The holidays are coming. Are you still with this copy? Evoise? Are you serious? Evoise. The holidays are coming, everybody. They're only 12 months away. And as a business owner, you know what that means. Crickets, face it. The next couple of months or 12 months are the calm before the storm. Now's the time to do something that will dramatically help your 2014. Evoise. Evoise is the simple technology that helps you make more money. With Evoise, toll

free or local numbers, call routing tools, and a professional dial by name directory, your business will look like a million bucks. And with Evoise, you can't take a call. Jesus Christ, Bill. And with Evoise, if you can't take a call, these saints will transcribe the voicemail and email it to you, so you'll never be caught off guard again. Evoise has been saving companies thousands of dollars every month, making them more efficient and more productive. There is no quicker or easy way to transform your business for 2014. And with Evoise, you can try it before you buy it. Right now, you can get a free 30-day trial to Evoise when you go to evoise.com slash burr or go to billburr.com and click on the Evoise banner. That's evoise.com slash billburr or billburr.com and click on the

Evoise banner. Now's the time to take charge of your business and prepare for a productive 2014. Go to evoise.com slash billburr or go to billburr.com. All right, that's the deal. That's it. That's the advertising for this week. Okay, my apologies. Is anybody who had to listen to me butcher my way through that? All right, advice on college selection. Dear Billiam Bourbon, I'm an 18-year-old senior, headed into my final high school semester, and I'm conflicted as to what school I want to attend after high school. I've narrowed it down to two colleges I want to attend, each polar opposites. Jesus, dude, this is like one of the biggest decisions of your young life.

And you just heard me trying to read out loud. Okay, so take everything that I say with a grain of salt. All right, the first this person is considering is the University University of Arizona. The safe, cheaper choice where all my buddies are going to go, and it's in state with about 40,000 enrolled students. I gotta tell you right off the bat, that sounds fun, because I don't like to read. I don't like to study. I like to drink with my friends, and I like talking to the ladies. So I'm already liking University of Arizona. God damn it, that sounds like a nightclub to me. They offer, okay, they offer my first choice for a major. What? They offer my first choice for a major. Oh, they offer my first choice for a major,

which is nutrition, and it's a two-hour drive from home, which is nice considering my family is still mourning the loss of my dad. Ah, Jesus, dude, I'm sorry to hear that. Wow, all of a sudden that takes all the fun out of this. The downside is that everyone from my high school goes there, and I feel like it's a cop out choice. I have a good, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. You know, plus you want to meet all a bunch of new women. You know? Plus we got some shady past. That's always great to go to a new college. You just fucking reinvent yourself. Like hipsters try to do. They try to act like they were the cool guy in high school that fucked the cheerleaders. You know, as they sit there dressed like Robert

Fulton for no fucking apparent reason. Anyways, I had a good GPA, fantastic test scores, and enough extracurriculars to get me into some pretty selective schools. So I feel like U of A isn't enough of a challenge. I don't really have much incentive to go there, and I fear I'll be unhappy. I'll be unhappy there due to the lack of risk taking. All right, dude, you sound like you're already making the choice. I feel you leaning. You jumping off sides here. The other is Lewis and Clark College. Jesus Christ. A liberal arts college in a beautiful part of Portland. Dude, you just went from blondes and bikinis to uncontrolled bushes wearing Bergen stocks. Now, I know I'm stereotyping. All right. Jesus Christ. You really are a smart one, aren't you?

Nah, you know what? Okay, wait a minute. I'm gonna stop being an asshole. You know what? University, going to the fucking University of Arizona, from what I've heard, that's just like, remember that guy who used to take those creepy videos of the girls gone wild, you know? Because girls got roofied was a little too on the nose. That's what those Arizona colleges sound like. I had a buddy of mine from high school. He went out there and he got all fucked up. It was too much. Girls came to fucking classes and bikini tops. What were you supposed to do? Anyways, he goes, the other is Lewis and Clark College, at least they did back in the 80s. The other is Lewis and Clark College. It's a liberal arts

college in a beautiful part of Portland. Portland, Oregon is fucking gorgeous with about 2000 kids. It'd be a nice distance away from home and it's the college where my heart lies. Well, dude, this is it right here. 2000 kids is great, man. Going to a school where it's a fucking city, look, they all have their own bus system, man. That's insane. Just personally speaking, he said, it'd be a nice distance away from home and it's the college where my heart lies. Yeah, dude, and you grew up in Arizona. Go see something different. The campus is absolutely incredible and we have family up there in case something goes wrong. It's a tad more pricey, but my family set up to where I have the option to spend a lot on college. The downside is that it's such a change

for me, a new city. I have visited it, but it's far away from home. No high school friends and I'm a natural pessimist, so I wonder what the gloomy gray winters will do to me mentally. Oh, dude, fuck this, man. Man up. You want to go. You're scared. You should be scared. You're 18, but it's good. This is a good thing to be scared of and to get over. You got to go out there, dude. Jesus Christ, you live in Arizona. You can fucking come there anytime you want to. Fuck that. Go away to school, man. Portland is the shit. Oregon's beautiful all the way up into Washington. It's fucking gorgeous, man. Cruise down to Coos Bay. I've been all over that fucking state. It's awesome. And not only that, you know, they got great college football up there now.

If you're into that type of shit, go to one of those Oregon games. I'd fucking do that in a second. Anyways, I'll keep going. He says the Portland weather is almost the polar opposite of Arizona weather and that spooks me. Dude, rain doesn't hurt. All right. You'll be fine. You know, all right. Still, I feel like Lewis and Clark is the opportunity that I've been waiting for. Plus, I'm a relatively solitary person, so I think I'd fit in with a more mellow campus than a fraternity-run school like U of A. It sounds like you would. Essentially, it comes down to huge party school versus beautiful small liberal arts school. The thought of being alone with no one I know in a new school scares me and excites me at the same time. Let me know.

Thanks in advance. Go fuck yourself. Dude, you've already made your decision. You want to challenge yourself. It's exciting. You're going to meet new people. It's going to be awesome, dude. It's going to be fucking awesome. Go up there and have a great time. And as far as I know, if there's a party going on, you basically have a party school, okay? And you don't want to, all you want to do is just fucking party the whole goddamn time because you're not going to learn anything. It's going to go by like that tailgate I went to and you're going to be drunk and belligerent and act like a fucking moron and come out of there with a big booze head. You don't want to do that either. Believe me. Believe me. If you think that people aren't partying in Portland, first of all,

if I had to guess, they probably make insane fucking weed in that state. I don't know if it's legal, but by the time fucking November rolls around, it probably will be. Oh, Jesus. I mean, I would live there. I would live in Seattle. I would live in Portland. I would live in either one of those states, more northern Oregon, or I would live on the coast. It's just some of the most lush land you're ever going to see with all of that rain. I'm telling you, it's absolutely fucking gorgeous, man. It's fucking gorgeous. You know, when the people are smart, you know, rains all the time, they got nothing to do with sitting around and read. All right, advice, dear Bill Bow Faggins. Oh, Jesus. He went homophobic. I am taking an anatomy class before

I start the med school shit show. Oh, Jesus. All right. There's this hot chick that I've been, dude, this sounds like the beginning of a porno. You're going to be a doctor in medical school. You're taking an anatomy class. Here comes this hot chick and what she wants you to help her out with the anatomy is you take out your fucking dick there. He goes, there's this hot chick that I've been talking to, but I feel creepy about asking her out while we're digging out a dead grandmother's fallopian tube together, who is probably a peach. Dude, I'm going to tell you right now, you're in the game. You are so in the game. You don't even fucking understand it. All right. You're smart enough to be in medical school. You're

going to be a doctor. So right there, you're a fucking rock star to women. Who doesn't want to bring him? He's in medical school. He's got a mom and dad. I'm dating a fucking guy in medical school. And on top of that, you're fucking hilarious. That's it. One, two punch. It's over. Up a cut to the fucking snatch over there. He said, how should I approach this? By the way, when are you going to come to San Francisco with gingerly love? Um, let's see here. How do you approach it? Well, dude, you're, well, you don't have to hit on her while you're working. How about you're in the, when you're in the lunch room?

Like, dude, you're already, you're so fucking in there. It's ridiculous. You're already funny as fucking hell. So I have total faith in you. All you, all you need is a location. I would say, yeah, when you're not standing next, you know, digging into a cadaver, other than that, you know, just start working on her. Working on her, you know, make her laugh at work, ask her about her background, blah, blah, blah, you know, but don't fucking, you know, talk to her too long before asking her out, you know, work the body a little bit. Hey, where'd you grow up? How many brothers and sisters you got? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I don't know, ask you, you seen anybody?

Would you like to fucking see me? And then you fucking open your, your lab coat with nothing underneath it. Your flasher. So you can get away with it. You're in anatomy class. Bang, that's how you do it. No, um, dude, you're going to be fine. You don't need my fucking help. You don't need my fucking help. All right. Just don't do it when you're dissecting shit. All right. Jesus Christ. Is that guy fucking killing it or what? Don't you wish you had his life? If you could do it over again, are you smart enough to get into medical school and there's some hot chicken in your fucking class? Jesus, I can tell you this, sir, she's going to be the first of many.

All right. You motherfucker. All you got to do is walk around with that stethoscope around your fucking lab coat with your scrubs on. Forget it. It's going to be raining, hailing, fucking Johnny blue top shelf fucking pussy for you. Good, good on you. Good on you, sir. You study. You studied in high school. You deserve it. Or you fucking, uh, you were born with the A brain. You got the A brain. I haven't tell you about that. My philosophy is some people get the A brain. Some people get the B brain. Some people get the C brain. And then after that, I don't, I don't make fun of people. All right. I make fun of the C brain. The C brain is, is that person that, you know, you know, you know, those mouth breathing fucking morons, those people. All right.

They got the C brain, that one where they can get a driver's license, you know, they can pour themselves a bowl of cereal, but, and they can get to work on time. You know, you know, those people, like when you ask them a question, they get a look on their face, almost like they're going to start crying. That would be the C brain. The B brain would be, would be me. You're smart, but you're a fucking idiot. And then the A brain is you're just, you know, just straight across the board. You're a number one draft pick. All right. I would go late in the third round, but I got a lot of hot. All right. The campaign voice bill. We're going to get America back to work and it's time we give tax cuts to

people who, who really need them had me rolling. When I first heard you do that stereotypical campaign voice, you know what's funny? I don't even know what voice that is. I remember saying that stuff. I don't, I don't, I'm thinking like I don't yell. Do I, I don't fucking know. I can't remember. Anyways, I've heard you do the campaign voice a few times on Conan, Opie and Anthony, et cetera. Do you do that in your act or was that just something you did during the presidential election season? It must have been because I can't remember how to do it. Oh, this is fucking killing me. Do I do it? Am I, do I, do I have a funny voice that I'm not utilizing? That could get me another fucking desperate six minutes to my act. Would you do a few minutes

of it on your next podcast? What am I, a fucking jukebox? Listen, I'll do it for you, but you got to send the audio of you doing your impression of it. All right. You got to make an ass of yourself and then I'll fucking tap dance for you. Thanks. He says, thanks. I've been paying attention to your comedy since I caught your half hour special when I was in middle school. I'm now 47. No kidding. I'm really happy for all your success and I wish you continued success. Jesus Christ. People are coming out of the gate in 2014. Really nice. Thank you very much, sir. How do I do that thing? How do we do the campaign voice? That's not the one that absolutely prodigious. Like, was it that one? Now you got me in my head.

See, I'm a, I'm, I'm smart, but I'm a fucking idiot. I can't even remember the shit that I do. Ah, fuck. Anyways, here's the wrap up everybody. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast, everybody, and get a free trial, extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. There you go. Um, all right, that's the podcast for this week. And, um, once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to Randy Bowman for hooking me up

with the, uh, the gig. Thank you to Mario Lemieux and all everybody at the camp, everybody that I played with, everybody who laughed at the jokes with me and Steve Byrne told them, um, I don't want to speak for Steve, but I think I can. That was, uh, we were just shaking our heads today. Uh, we flew back, we connected in Dallas and we got, uh, um, they were de-icing our plane, so we missed the connecting flight and we got stuck there for a couple of hours. Um, those of you who follow me on Twitter, I was Twittering my fucking misery when I was there, um, until I saw the guy with the neck brace sneeze that fucking killed me. The look of panic on his face because he knew he was going to sneeze and he knew it was going to hurt. I, if I could ever, if I could do

that face on cue, I swear to God, I could win a fucking Oscar. Um, but anyways, we were sitting there in the, uh, in the airport just talking about, just talking about how, just shaking our head. It was unbelievable. But as always, you know, I'm not going to name names and all that type of shit. Um, but it was, it was fucking amazing, man. Fucking amazing. So, uh, that's it, man. That's my, that's how my 2014 started. And, um, people actually have pictures of me now wearing Pittsburgh, Penguin Jersey. That's the only thing, but I was willing to pay that price. Um, I got to thank Ty Domey for punching off Samuelson in the face. It's just, how do you fucking beat that? How, where does 2014 go from here? I'll tell you, now that the show's over,

don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus Hulu plus, let you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast once again and get an extended free trial of Hulu plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu plus banner or go to billbird. Oh, sorry, or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. Once again, that's Hulu plus.com slash bill. Thank you for listening. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and, uh, I'll talk to you next week.