Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-7-13

Episode Date: January 8, 2013

Bill rambles about re-engineering mosquitos, goats and snakes, and wrestling a toothless baboon.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 7th, 2013, the first Monday of a wonderful new year. We're in our teens, everybody, in this century. Has anybody said basically what this decade is called by the way? Is this the teens? I guess you can officially say that, right? I mean they say that about the 1900s, right? They say that, well it was the roaring 20s. They always blow off the first two, the aughts, the teens, the 30s, the 40s. I don't fucking know. Anyways, you're not gonna believe this shit. I'm sitting here, right? Wake up, I don't have anything to talk about today. So I was like, I know, I know what I'll do. I'll go check out the fucking eggheads over at Ted.com. See what the fuck they're up to. And what do I see? This is why we're gonna be extinct. Quicker than global warming or quicker than anything else you could ever come up with. One of the things right on the

front page is this guy, Hayden Perry. And you know what he's talking about, everybody? He's talking about re-engineering mosquitoes to fight disease. How can these people be so smart and so fucking stupid, all at the same time? Do you really think that you're just gonna re-engineer? Like, I don't know what they're gonna do, like take the old engine out and put something better in there that works for us. The guy starts it off, of course, as always with, you know, something really ominous. He's like, and forgive my awful whatever British accent here, but he comes out and he's just like, today we're gonna talk about the most dangerous animal on the planet for humans. Now, most of you probably think that that's a tiger. Maybe it's a lion. I'm actually talking about the mosquito. The mosquito has killed more people than plagues, war, AIDS, and he goes on this whole fucking thing. Okay, and he's

going on and on about how mosquitoes have killed a bunch of fucking people, you know, throughout the course of history, which if you fucking think about it is really not that mind blowing. You know, plagues come and go, wars begin and end. But mosquitoes, they never quit. Every fucking day, they're biting people. You know what I mean? They're like that dude that always goes to the gym. He doesn't take six months off and eat fucking moon pies, and then come back with his big doughy stomach like me. The fucking mosquito is relentless. All right, so then he's just sitting there going, Now, you know, the mosquito, it only travels only 200 yards in its entire fucking life and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But basically, it lays eggs and shit, you know, water and that type of crap. And then you know, we're assholes, we go all over the fucking world and we got the eggs with us. And they say, you know, the

mosquitoes are all over the fucking planet. As they should be, biting people, killing people, giving us some fucking elbow room. This fucking jackass and his fucking egghead friends want to reengineer one of the few things that is keeping the human population just vaguely in check, which it isn't. We're up to 7 billion people. And this fucking asshole wants to reengineer mosquitoes to fight disease rather than to spread it. Do you understand how fucked up this guy is like, it's like a form of terrorism. I know you guys think I'm a moron, but like, there's a reason why mosquitoes kill people. You know, there's a reason there's a reason everything kind of kills everybody. It just keeps it balanced. This fucking jerk off. Do you really think you're just going to rewire these fucking mosquitoes? And then that's going to that's not going to have a domino effecting. I don't know. You know what it's like listening to these fucking

guys, it's like listening to some weekend warrior who decides he's going to rewire his house. And you know, within three years, he's going to fucking burn it down, because he doesn't have he's he's not a licensed electrician. That's what these guys are. Okay, they're so fucking smart, they're going to reengineer a mosquito. But like, how's that going to affect the fucking Oh, God, give me up, give me an animal, a bird. I don't fucking it's going to affect something. I'm selling over my head over this, but I know I'm right. I know I'm right, you can't just you can't just you fucking reengineer that thing to help us. Okay, it won't not now it can't kill us. Let's talk about this. The fuck did he call it dengue disease, dengue disease or some shit that evidently is killing a bunch of people. First time you get it, you feel like you have a fever. And you can actually have the feeling like your bones are going to break

they actually call it break bone fever. And you develop like antibodies, but there's three strains and then when you get the next one, I mean, just it's like a horror movie. But a necessary one. You know, these fucking nerds ever think that there's a reason that mosquitoes kill people. That's what I love about nature is it all makes sense. You know, if you just remove your emotions from it, and you just look at the whole thing is like a, I don't know, like a math problem. No, Jesus, right? But where we have you got way too much. It's like you be open to cover. You know what I mean? You'd have like fucking like one fig Newton and then seven billion pounds of flour. I think that they should re not not reengineered. They just let the fucking mosquitoes kill people. If you get killed, I'm sorry. You know, but you're dead. It's over. You're out of the way. And we continue on. And there's apples for everybody. You know, we're

already growing salmon and dishes manmade fucking salmon. We're literally fucking with the food supply. Another form of terrorism. So he just comes in and poisons the food supply. You know, if you have like a fucking mask on, you know, in some sort of bath towel on you on your head or whatever, then that's all. Oh, yeah, it's a terrorist. That's a terrorist. But if you got a fucking lab coat on, you know, you're putting all these pesticides in there and that type Adam fuck. I'm on me. I'm on my soapbox this week, people standing up on that box letting everybody hear my ignorance. Hayden Perry, if for some reason, I don't know why you felt like being dumb this week and you're listening to this podcast, can you please not re can you and your friends please not reengineer mosquitoes? Can you just let them do

their fucking job? You know, why don't you do the world a favor and stick your head in a mosquito nest? Why don't you fucking do that? This is like mad scientist shit. Ted.com is the scariest fucking website out there. These fucking assholes, you know, on their reengineering mosquitoes and they're building robots that know everything that can run like Barry Sanders, you know, and like, that's not going to be a bad thing. Hayden Perry. You know, it is. His hot is in the right place. He sees death. He sees suffering. He sees pain. And he wants to fucking stop it. All right. Because what he's doing is he's chasing the myth of a utopia. The myth of utopia is that if you lived in a utopia, everybody would be happy all the time and nothing bad would ever happen. And that's just not the case. Because of the emotion of boredom. If everything was awesome, all the fucking time, you would go out of your fucking mind because every day

would be the exact same. It would just be awesome. Hey, it's lunchtime. You have a turkey sandwich. Isn't this the greatest turkey set? Yes, every day. It's the greatest fucking sandwich ever. Every fucking day. Exhausted with happiness. It would be exhausting. You know what I mean? You got to have people getting bit by mosquitoes dying. If that doesn't happen, you can't enjoy the Super Bowl at the same level. You know what I mean? You can't enjoy just sitting there having a turkey sandwich because you can't you don't have the thing to be like, Well, at least, you know, I'm eating a turkey sandwich, the meat's a little dry. But hey, at least I didn't get bit by a fucking mosquito and die. You know, laying face down in a puddle of eggs. Do you eliminate all of that? I mean, what are you supposed to fucking do? There's all these, these all these, there's all these myths that if we just did this, people would get along. If we

just did that, people get along. I don't think we would. I think boredom. boredom is at the basis of, of, I don't know, that that's what drives us. I don't know. You just want to do something else could be in competitive and all it's just, you wouldn't get rid of that. Just imagine that if you lived in a fucking utopia, everybody had the best car, everybody drives a fucking Bentley, everybody's got the greatest fucking stereo, everybody's got a Victoria Secret fucking model, everybody's got you know, out on an infinity pool. Everybody's got it. Okay, now that if you just snap your fingers and make that happen, that would be probably the most insane five day straight party the world has ever seen. But after five fucking days, you'd get you'd get sick of it. I think you would. Nobody ever stubs their toe. Nobody ever falls down. You just, you know, I don't know, reengineering fucking mosquitoes. You know, I saw

trans S I do a fucking face plant this week, and it coming out of a donut shop. First of all, in LA, there's donut shops. I swear to God, there's like 19 chains of donut shops out here. They're on like every other block. I don't get it. Everybody out here that I know is in this business. And you're trying to stay remotely in shape. So you limit your fucking Twitter bashing, the level that you get bashed on Twitter. I don't know who's eating all the fucking donuts. This is who? But they're everywhere. So I'm fucking cutting down. Oh, no, I was on Fountain Ave. I really shouldn't give this straight up. But Fountain Ave is the one for you tourists out here when you want to go east to west or west to east. And it's during rush hour, don't take, don't take fucking sunset, don't take Santa Monica, you take fountain, it's right in the middle. But I'm one of those strips there. There's

this place, yum yum donuts, I believe is what it's called. Or is that Santa Monica? I can't remember. So anyway, it's a fucking donut shop. And they got this stupid little like, you know, like those chains, you know, like to put like poles down and then they tie a chain to it, those little things that kind of droops down and goes over. So this fucking dude woman, right, was stepping over it, and he had a thing of donuts, and just fell down on the ground. Now, normally, I would laugh. The guy in a dress fell face first with a fucking handful of donuts. I mean, that's pretty much you're going right down the checklist of a home run when it comes to comedy. But the dude fell so effeminately, I felt bad. The gentleman in me was like, Oh, that lady guy, the lady just fell. And the way the dude put his hand up, it was just ended up just being really sad. You know, but I

pride myself, I'll pat myself on the back here, me and my ego, that I resisted the urge of taking out my phone and filming it. You know, I don't I don't like that shit now how every fucking moment becomes this. I don't know what to call it. I don't like how humiliation never ends now. You know, these poor kids coming up, it's just like somebody gets kicked in the balls, it gets shot with a fucking BB gun and his dick. Somebody films it. OMG epic failed dick BB fucking video. And then it's just on the internet forever. And the guy's 35 years old, he's got a drinking problem. And he's looking at this girl, he feels sparks for the first time in years. He goes to talk to her and write his things that go and good somebody else. She's like, Oh, my God, is that you? I remember that. Then a chunk of your helmet get taken off. What the fuck

right? It just never know humiliation never ends. Never fucking as I don't even know what I'm talking about this week. Does it matter? I don't think it matters this week. Because Hayden Perry is going to re-end your mosquitoes to fight disease. Okay, you're going to rewire them. Are you going to rewire everything else on the fucking planet? So it's all compatible. Are you just going to fuck with that Hayden? I don't get it. You know what it is? This guy, I don't even think he fucking believes in it. He is he I bet he's corporate owned. He's corporate owned. This is what they're going to do. They're going to own the re-engineered mosquitoes. Okay, and then when they bite you, they make you stronger. And then they also they go out and they choke out all the other mosquitoes. But you can only get them from them. And then what they do on the backside is they

make the regular ones that aren't re-engineered. They re-engineer near them to make them even more lethal. All right, because that way, the way mosquitoes reproduce, it's just like this and everybody's going to want to buy your mosquitoes, you know, it'll be this endless supply and endless demand for the supply that you can just fucking they look like rabbits. Right? So it all makes sense to me. The fucking my 15 minutes and Jesus, it's getting deep this week. All right, still a little advertising here. And I'll tell you a story about a rabbit. I think it's going to be all animals this week. What the fuck is it? All right. Stamps.com, everybody. One great resolution you can make for this new year. Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. I know an easy way to do that with Stamps.com. Think

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through every like minute fucking painful detail of this. You know I put in reverse I look in the camera and I realize I'm a little bit in the red so I pull it up a little bit but then there's a Mustang in front of me an old one looks like a 67 or a 68 and I'm like well I want this guy to feel like I don't respect his car so I backed up a little bit more realizing that I'm mostly in the unpainted area so I guess legally I'm okay. So then I decide to get out the driver's side door. Okay I lead with my left leg rather than swinging my right over. I'm sorry. I get out of the fucking car and I'm walking up the street you know trying to think what I'm going to talk about when I go on stage and I look over and there's this fucking rabbit sitting outside this apartment.

A rabbit. This isn't a wild rabbit. This is a domesticated rabbit. What do I know because it's not afraid of me. It's just sitting there looking at me like you know hey what's going on. Like it's just chilling on the porch and it's fat. It's a fat fucking rabbit. Like you know it's eating human food rather than the hell the rabbits eat. What do they eat? They eat carrots at least the cartoon ones do. Do they eat carrots? There's not as much of carrots in the wild lettuce grass I don't know what the fuck they eat squirrels. I bet they'll find that out one day that they actually every once in a while eat squirrels. Like you know for the longest time when they thought like chimpanzees with vegetarians and then they found out that every once in a while they go on a hunt and they kill a

monkey. Fucking chimpanzees. I hate them. I hate those motherfuckers. Okay. Fuck mosquitoes. Oh you bite me and I get a fever. I get a rash and I feel like my bones are gonna break and then I you know I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm hot. I'm dead. It's over. All right. I would much rather have that than to have some fucking roided out fire plug jump on me rip my face off pull my nuts off and twist my foot off. I would much much rather even though I'm gonna bleed out quicker than going through the hell of the dengue death whatever the fuck it is I would rather go through that. Oh my god those fucking creepy long chimp fingers. You know fucking grabbing right under your chin like you're some mass wrestler and he's gonna reveal

your identity just fucking rip your goddamn face back. Oh my god. Oh shit. I forgot this. I forgot this. I got to look this up right now. You know what I was in New Mexico recently like visiting a high school friend and hang on a second the fuck was her name. I was in this this restaurant. What is it Bronco boozer. I can't remember a fucking name god damn it Bill you stink. I'm in this Italian restaurant right and they got all these fucking there it is Gina Bronco boozer. So they got all these Italians on the wall like the ones you've always heard Frank Sinatra and all the Tito Puente and all the big Italian Tito Puente Latino I don't give a fuck. All the classic ones you've heard of

who's the girl there was staring at the other girl. She was trying to be the hot horror and then the other girls horror tits were hanging out even more. She's giving them a cycle. So feel the rent. So feel the rent. You know all these Italians right beautiful people right and then they just had some obscure ones. So I see one and it's this woman in tights and her name her name is Gina Bronco boozer and I start reading the story and basically she was a female wrestler hugely fucking popular and her big thing was how she got into wrestling. She was like five foot five like 210 pounds. Okay we're talking fourth and goal here low center of gravity. She puts that show iron head hayward with the pussy. Okay that's

disgusting but it's true. So anyways her big claim to fame was that she choked a fucking cow to death with her thighs. Now to me that just sounds like some vaudeville like step right up step right up. See no woman to choke the cow to death with her thighs. If you could survive for one minute we will give you this anvil whatever the fuck you won back then. But anyways that was her claim to fame to get into wrestling. So she went around barnstorming around the country and she won all these matches and she became hugely popular big time fan favorite and she would do all these benefits for charity and whatnot. So one day this is how little we knew about animals back then they decide to raise money for charity that they would have Gina Bronco boozer wrestle

and old baboon from the zoo. It's old toothless baboon. It didn't have its teeth. Now if you never seen anything on baboons like baboons have teeth like a fucking lion. Do you ever see one yawn? You can just stop staring at their rainbow book club ass and just look at its fucking teeth. I mean this thing could literally bite your fucking head off but the baboon was old and it didn't have any teeth. What could go wrong? So they bring the fucking baboon down. I don't know if it had a little silk wardrobe or what you know robe like fucking Greg the hammer Valentine. Who knows? I don't know what it had. Maybe it had his monkey hair all fucking slick back and dyed platinum. I don't know what but Gina's gonna wrestle this thing. So Gina's already in the fucking ring.

This whole story is on the wall at the restaurant. I can't believe I didn't take a picture of it because there's really very little about this on the internet. So she's fucking waiting. They take a banana. They put it on the stool in the ring. Okay now the monk, the baboon old toothless baboon is in the ring with this Gina Bronco Booza, B-O-U-Z-A if you're trying to look it up and I don't know what happened. She starts I don't know made some sort of aggressive move towards the fucking baboon. The baboon jumps on her and just snaps her neck and she's dead within the first fucking five seconds of the match and the promoter was like freaking out saying something ridiculous like basically how would I know that that would have happened? How would you

know that that would have happened? Well baboons have the strength of like what five men you know and I don't know if you've noticed baboons don't really like you know you don't ring a bell and then they stop. That's the end of the round baboon you know they if you start tapping out like all right you got me you got me you know as it's turning your head around all right all right you know it doesn't it's not stopping you can't tap out with a baboon. Baboons do not have a fucking what a 10 minute time limit they don't fight like that they have a fight to the death all right you're coming in there trying to raise money for emphysema that thing's coming in there like all right fucking blood sport here I don't have any teeth what's the next thing I'm doing I'm

gonna fucking turn your head around like the exorcist even though I never saw the movie and even if I did I don't even know if it would register you know. Dude cheaters are afraid of baboons but baboon comes over like get the fuck out of my territory cheaters for the most part of like or leopards maybe it's even a leopard an even bigger cat I don't know what I don't know but I will tell you to look up the story of Gina Bronco Buzza but there's really nothing on here other than in that restaurant they kind of had the whole fucking story if I ever go out to New Mexico again I'm going to go to it's an Italian restaurant or as if somebody lives out there Jesus Christ why don't you use technology please take a picture of the story it's on the wall

and please send it to me and we'll put it up on the podcast page because it's fucking unreal you know what's funny was when I read it all I thought about was this is like this is something like fucking Joe Rogan you know I should have sent the story to him he could have done a fucking hour of this on on his podcast with all his knowledge of animals and ultimate fighting who the fuck would get into a goddamn ring who the fuck would get into a ring with a with a baboon like I guess you know there really there was no discovery channel and that's the honest thing like I wouldn't know anything about I wouldn't know anything about baboons if it wasn't for basic cable you know and I wouldn't have known that that woman got her face fucking ripped off if it

wasn't for their you know the instant news shit I wouldn't know anything all I would know about would be the guy up the street with fucking seven toes I would just know that country shit but anyways if you get a chance you know look it up there isn't much information on it but um so there you go it's been all about animals so far hasn't it the animal podcast oh anyway so I'm sitting there looking at this fat fucking rabbit and it's just sitting there and it was nighttime I really disturbed me the way it was just sitting there not looking out for coyotes not looking out for a house cat I actually played out in my head this awful scenario of a cat slowly coming up to its stalking it you know and a rabbit looking right at the cat

and the cat having this weird sort of this motherfucker sees me doesn't he you know the lovely Nia everybody so I'm telling this story I saw this rabbit sitting outside a house last night a house rabbit a fat I've been eating fruit loops at the dining room table house rabbit just really disturbed me because it didn't know any better it didn't know to be scared it wasn't scared of me it wasn't looking arena fucking yes that's that's what I'm saying it's domestic would you come down here to get on the podcast maybe we'll grab yourself a microphone there lady you got to plug yourself in so anyways I uh the cords are over there we've been through this I'd hit pause on this thing but I don't know how to do it and it always ends up shutting off and

then I have to splice it together and then something happens where uh I don't know so anyways hey you guys have you ever uh you ever go to make a pot roast in a Dutch oven and in the middle of it you just start drinking beers and you're about four beers in and you can't remember what time you put the pot roast in that's what the fuck I did yesterday I'm so embarrassed I made I made a tough pot roast there we go and she's putting on the windscreen everybody and bam she's in she's in hello hey did you try any of the pot roast or are you still on your diet I I did try some pot roast but I am still on my diet even though pot roast wasn't I did fall off a little bit I'm back on it for the next well for a while but yeah in the middle of the pot roasted it's tasted all

right right the outside got a little tough yeah well that's what you get for you know I don't understand what people when people cook these beautiful meals that you've been cooking lately and they have been beautiful meals mind you you know yeah you have a nice glass of wine it's like the whole process nobody slams four Budweiser's in a row while making these beautiful restaurant meals that's a whole yeah you know what it was stumbling around the kitchen like oh what time did I put it in oh I fucked it up oh I turned the wrong burner I did that I was supposed to I was trying to turn up the heat for the potatoes and I had the the roast on simmer yeah and I turned up the roast one high and I was sitting like why isn't these fucking potatoes it doesn't even look like

it's getting hot and then all of a sudden I heard my my au jus sauce going oh yeah a bubbling over there yeah I fucked the whole thing well you know what it was my OCD kicked in I had all those Budweiser's left over from the Rose Bowl and they just taken up space you don't have OCD you have ADD I like that you you like oh I have OCD that's why I had to drink all those beers well let me explain it this is why assessive compulsive drinking no listen stands for disorder listen hey what no I had the uh I just we had like fucking 12 we brought so much beer I had like like 15 Budweiser's in there okay it's taken up all that space so I'm thinking if I drink one a day you know I'll knock this out in half a month then I go what if I have two I knock it out in

seven and then I was just like you know I had him in stacks of two and I was just like you know I knocked out two and then I had my third one and I'm like well the other one's still sitting there taking up that space so knock that one out you could have put them on the bottom shelf like way in the back though there's there's ways you could have I could have just drink them all that's what it is I could have bought a bigger fridge I could have bought a bigger fridge Rose Bowl was awesome this year we did have a tragedy though and I can't I can't name the name but somebody got a little too drunk was walking towards the I don't know what happens what always happens every year is we get absolutely fucking hammered and then we all just all of a sudden we just notice we're the only ones

in the parking lot and then that's when it clicks at the games about ready to start so then we are the golf course which is the parking lot and we um we just walk into the stadium sort of together and then get separated and then come back together again like a band that worked out its differences you know and when we got to our seats only three of us made it and there was some other guy no I remember what's his face was saying yes so and so lost his ticket I get the fuck out of here and then it didn't get in and then some other douchebag comes up and sits in my buddy's seat we're like three drunk angry guys well fuck you get that dick it he's like I bought it but at first he said he bought it for 25 bucks then then he told somebody else he bought it for

50 he either pickpocket the thing or he found it on the fucking ground but at the end of the day it's um you know it's on my body you got too hammered that's why I always buy the ticket holder every year it's like you know when you put a toddler on a leash so it can't run away from you that's that's what I do I put the ticket in there put it around my neck and then I commence drinking like I'm still in college that's a good idea so just stays there stays there you don't have a problem I feel your neck getting tugged you know somebody's trying to steal it right you know you can even put it like underneath your shirt if you're worried about people you know getting funny ideas yeah but I get so drunk I would think I lost it I'd be like where is it where is it I can't breathe

um so anyway no we had a great time though you were getting jealous when you saw all that food that we were cooking fucking lawn head did the did the ribs up yeah you guys throw down like it's it's some sort of like food tailgating competition you know it's like this did you tell them did you tell your podcast listeners what was on the menu this extensive tailgating menu oh we had uh short ribs wait wait start at the beginning what is the beginning all right breakfast 9 000 fucking Budweiser's oh we had breakfast with lamb sausage we got this great butcha in my neighborhood so we went over there and literally put in an order that we had to pick up two days later a lot of animals died on this day people we had lamb but you were very organized about it it's not like you just went

to Ralph's and just grabbed a bunch of cheap meat like you went to the butcher the best pretty much the only butcher in our neighborhood yeah and put in an order so you had lamb sausage goat cheese and roast pepper yeah um omelettes right so that was breakfast okay and that's not that's the greatest omelette I have every year yeah sitting there I got a rose bowl ticket around my neck I'm on my beer in my hand exactly in an omelet in my mouth I know all that guy's shit that is just lampooned now like it's just fucking considered silly if you enjoy that like this is America it is it's fucking great and until you've had a fucking omelet on new year's day on a golf course outside the rose bowl go fuck yourself it was tremendous and then what's his

face we had uh we had Kobe beef uh hot dogs which I just found out Kobe beef the reason why it's so soft is they treat it like veal so I gotta be done with that shit now oh so now you're not gonna you're not gonna eat that anymore yeah because you're very your anti veal so yeah I don't mind fucking just walking up to a cow and blowing its brains out that I don't that's part of nature somebody got you that's all right but to stick them in a fucking cage like and so they can't move so the meat's more tender to just torture it like that you know right yeah I mean that it's unnecessary it already tastes delicious it's doing the fucking job it's filling up my belly you know let it walk around can you let it walk around um whatever

and then we had the ribs we had the ribs and uh with his fucking uh his his rub and the mop and it was just it was the shit and then we had the mini apple pies baked by you yeah and then they out my little pie face yeah and then uh we got the best compliment we heard people next to us whispering going see look at that they're doing it right they got pies and you're like that's right motherfucker I know who brings individual pies we used to be them I used to back in the day when I used to go to the Patriots games when I had season tickets in 1989 we used to fucking show up with a keg of beer and a bag of chips and we'd be sitting there look at those people they're doing it right we just get absolutely annihilated keg of beer and a bag of chips and that I swear to God that's

that's accurate we would we would have a half barrel we had a half barrel of beer and we would be doing keg stands because we were morons literally like counting one two three doing that shit as all these adults were looking at us like some of them were repulsed and then there was other people who did that when they were our age so they were just sitting there with half a smirk probably betting which one of us was going to puke first yeah I did one time yeah puking after a keg stand is the most refreshing way ever to puke I've never done a keg stand before it's so it's so cold when it comes back out usually when you what does it mean exactly well I guess a keg stand usually is you're supposed to do like somebody holds you up upside

down oh literally upside okay and what's so we weren't doing that we weren't doing that but what's the point of being upside down is that you get more fucked up that way because you're all disoriented no it's one of those things where you're young and you think if I'm drinking beer I'm crazy I'm away from my parents what could make this crazier what if I did it upside down yeah it's stupid okay it's just suburban doucheery yeah so I actually never did that we did a more adult version of keg keg stand which is basically you just fuck and you turn the tap on and you just and we were timing it it was like the olympic trials of beer drinking and and as you puked you were out or if you just tapped out like I can't do it so you'd start up with 10 seconds and it was completely inaccurate

if you would just be going one two three four four five right all the way up to 10 and if you made it to 10 you were in the next round and it went up to 20 then it went up to 30 then went up to 40 and you got to think you've already drank for 10 seconds and you drank for 20 that's 30 seconds now you drink for 30 now you drank 60 and it just keeps going and going and going and we got all the way up one time where I was trying to beat this guy and I and I didn't have a reputation for being able to drink and I just went into this fucking zone and I went head to head with this guy and I just kept making it was like the Cinderella team going through March Madness and somehow I made it I made the championship game it was me against this other guy who had like a fucking iron stomach

and I ended up I I ended up losing is what I did but it was one of the great pukes of my life because it was just ice cold it was like reverse drinking a glass of water ice cold glass you know when you puke it's like acidity and it tears up your throat yeah it wasn't it was just like it just came out was this in high school uh no I was well I think I was in my my fifth year at college by then no I was 21 when I did that okay so I should have been a junior but I was still a freshman yeah now I drink I drink beer in high school only because I don't drink beer now as you know because I don't like the taste of it but I drink it in high school because you know that's what you drink oh that's my running joke with you high school I think you'd like this one and I always make sure

it's the most hoppy it's always disgusting it's so rude you know how much I don't like beer I just but yeah I use I would drink it in high school because that's what people were drinking when you would drink in high school but then I got on to the uh the boon's farm there you know that cheap little strawberry wine and wine coolers what is it called boon's farm it's a kind of wine it's like really sweet really cheap yeah you get it at like the gas station we would send in we would send in you know like one of the cuter girls um to go in there and just kind of like smile and just walk up with you know a couple bottles of the boon's farm and you know the 19 year old or whatever kid behind her would just let her buy it and not check her ID because she's hot and she's cute right

yeah exactly exactly yeah why is that a bad thing everybody I mean it is bad I'm not I'm not I'm not condoning that because I was never I'm jealous but I would I would I could never be but I always hated it but I just did it because that's what you did you know I'm jealous of that is what it is guys you know on a certain level you fucking resent that because we don't have the option of being hot and cute and just getting something just coming like hot tea he had like a case of beer playing with your non-existent pigtail or maybe you're Steven Segal ponytail just sort of twisting it around it is a weird visual um let's read some fucking emails for the week um Pakistani cricket fan he said all right man this isn't this is important first podcast of 2003

right all right sorry about that I fucked that thing up I didn't delete last week's I gotta get a memory card that has a little more memory on it anyways oh Jesus what is this now what is this all right it's just gone off the rails here all right Pakistani cricket fan starting over again all right man this is important first podcast of 2013 right this is about cricket the sport don't you stop here now come on and bear with me okay so Pakistan and India just had a cricket series now these two guys they don't like each other right why don't they like each other I don't know I'll be completely honest you just got caught you were like right I thought you like you knew the answer no I don't I don't I'm not I'm not well versed in that I admit all right it's the usual

shit they live near each other all right familiarity breeds contempt and they they fight over cashmere don't you remember a few years ago they were like I'm gonna fucking nuke you and the other guys like go ahead and do it we got the bomb too you don't remember that no maybe that was a movie I saw anyways so Pakistani India just had a cricket series we are arch rivals in shit not only in cricket but in everything I mean we had the biggest tank wars in shit did you they should make a movie about that and have like tan white people play you guys and then you guys can get offended so India had this these fucking commercials in which the voice said Pakistan is coming to India and their faggot cricket player were like oh he's saying that I thought they were saying

that in the commercial I was like wow no this this gentleman is he's using it all right I'm sorry I'm sorry okay in which the voice said Pakistan is coming to India and then their cricket player were like let them come now these Indian cunts are the last world cup champions and we're ready to fuck Pakistan in the ass get what happened guess what happened they got fucked big time now everything else in Pakistan is shit as you must know just do this man well this guy you know he is writing in a second language here just do this man and be on my fucking side all right as I approach you first all right come on man just tell these indian read these things first before you just start reading them on the air that's what makes it good just tell these Indian cunts how bad their

cricket team sucks oh and they can eat a dick oh some other clever shit that you say he wants you to trash India wait because he's Pakistani and they have a cricket feud as well as other please rape them woohoo please rape them yeah sir don't use that word like that oh you know what you don't understand sports how'd you like that oh my god you thought you were gonna beat Pakistan whoo with the defending fucking uh champions with our fraternity paddles hitting that racquet ball around the circular field well guess what you're fucking lost you would think considering all you guys have 18 fucking kids you could find a couple of Jordans in there right and you could repeat oh well you know what I think next year Pakistan you guys should play again and winner takes all

of Kashmir what do you think about that and you get all the other sides tanks there you go how was that was that all right I like how you do this you're like all right cool I'll do that there you go this is bilber this was bilber trashing that's right anybody else if you watch obscure sports I'll in you guys win a game I'll talk trash about the other fucking person not knowing anything about I don't even know I don't even get the game I like you know I like about cricket though is how long it is you know when you drink there's there's certain sports that you're just gonna love you just it's cricket a game that people like drink at like that it doesn't seem like it seems like more civilized than that for some reason why I don't know why because it's foreign

wow because it's and they wear like all white they just looked like spiffier I don't know they just look like there's some sort of class element are you thinking about polo no don't they wear all white I don't know pull up pull up an image of people playing cricket I'm pretty sure I can pull it up I'm not your secretary everyone wears white well you have the laptop in front of you that's a good point no listen they this is this is why of course they drink they probably have they probably have hooligans you're sitting there saying you think it's sophisticated after what this guy wrote faggot cunt rape that's all that's one that's all in there it isn't that's crickets fans for you no that's not cricket fans you know what that is that's sports fans that's sports fans we're morons

yeah but I think that more like like something like a rugby I feel like has more of a hooliganism attached to it you know something you would think that for some reason I feel like cricket is more like oh hello you know what we're going to the have you ever met a professional boxer or or one of those UFC guys I guess so if you meet them most of them I guess so yeah most of them they're really just mellow sure kind of they don't need to prove anything right you know what I mean maybe it's the fans so you're not talking about the rugby players maybe the fans are more I don't know I you know I have no idea I can tell you right now I would keep my fucking mouth shut if I ever went to any sort of sporting event in another country unless you know when I go to

Canada it's hockey I know hockey's back by the way I'm really excited that it's back great all's forgiven I don't give a fuck I've accepted it that it's a part of hockey every fucking five six years I have no idea what you're talking about I know you don't you said all's forgiven what's forgiven the strike they went on strike oh you noticed you've been able to watch way more real housewives this time this year you notice I'm watching way more hoop than I've somehow in a fucking secretive way become a nicks fan because they never show the Celtics because we stink so they're always showing the nicks and I just I'd love their team okay I fucking love their team did you see that JR Smith's that donkey head on that alley hoop with a guy threw it too low and he caught it down

by his nuts and just with one hand just fucking through it it was one of the most vicious things I've ever seen even probably as vicious as that baboon snapping that wrestler's neck back in the 50s um all right innocent deer and headlights hey Bill love the show I'll start from the beginning but I'll be quick I don't people you know I can't read so let's just get right to the fucking point yeah did you ever read aloud in class I hated it yeah you're not good at it I would be like trying to count ahead how many people and then try to guess which paragraph and I always start looking over it before he got to it you know when I was in the fourth grade one time I had to read out loud and I got in my head and I was like going like I'll just read the first couple sentences

the way I did it I was like love the show I'll start from the beginning and I finished it and I finished it I wasn't baby I wasn't I was in fourth grade I should have been able to read shithead Bill so when I finished reading the paragraph the teacher went like before you know I was like I was so fucking relieved that it was over and I was just waiting for her to call and the girl sitting behind me for her you know Jennifer read the next paragraph and when I finished there was this silence and then the teacher said I didn't understand one word he said oh did anybody understand what he said oh no nobody said anything she made me go back and reread it I was like love love the show like choking back tears I'll start from the beginning that's back in the 70s

when you could be mean to people no that's terrible is it me or is he too fucking stupid to be in this grade you poor thing that's not nice it's not nice it's fucking hilarious I stunk at it she called me out on it and I deserved it what I should have done was viewed it as a challenge and gone home and just walked around the house reading out loud well you're in fourth grade your brain doesn't work like that listen you're never too young to start manning up instead I accepted defeat and I I don't know I know I never got that two things happened to me that year that were fucking brutal they had the reading out loud and getting trashed for it and then they did this thing called was it called sound spelling okay you know you learn how to read

in first grade yeah you progress in the second grade you learn how to spell and all that all that shit first second third okay it's still fresh in your head don't take it out of the oven it's still all doughy so you know what these fucking idiots do they introduce sound spelling in the fourth grade and it's basically uh I guess phonetics spelling is what a proper name like where you spell cat k a t and they started going through all of these words that I just learned how to spell within the last couple of months to a couple of years and they started putting k's where there was c's and all this shit and I never recovered never recovered why would they do that though why would they because somebody I don't get it they thought that it would help with something

why would they why would they do that why would they put fluoride and toothpaste why would they do that when it slows your brain down it makes you just kind of you know hey man dreams aren't coming true but I'm all right look at these white teeth you know um I don't know I don't know what I'm talking about ever just know that know that about this podcast I don't know what I'm talking about ever the Monday morning podcast that's your tag that's it all right innocent deer in the headlights all right push away that fourth grade I know no it's good do you want me to read it for you hey if that guy who played Darth Vader's voice can get overstuttering I can do this all right hey bill love the show I'll start from

the beginning but I'll be quick I'm about to graduate college I met a lady in one of my classes we talked throughout the semester oh dude how many times was the moment to get her number coming and going and you were like fuck um and on the last day of class she offered me her number there it is she was probably rolling her eyes the whole semester like for the love of god do I got to drop to my knees um where the hell am I she came up to I know oh oh billy oh billy I met on class we talked what the fuck was I I thought she was having a flashback right now did I just make that part up I can't find it I met a girl in one of my class who talked throughout the semester last day class she asked me a number I thought she was pretty cool and went and went out

with her later that week she came up no she came and met me she came and met up with me oh my god this is fucking torture just read it oh my god she came and met up with me and my friends at a bar things went well and we end up going back to my place oh geez we start fooling around on the couch and then she gets up and guides me into my room I was getting nervous because I haven't been with many girls and not entirely sure what to do in this situation um she strips naked and while we are sitting on my bed she opens her legs to reveal a white string coming out of her ladiness guys with the gross details here I wasn't really sure what it was at the time oh this guy's he's a fucking he's like that he's like that little fat rabbit sitting outside the uh the apartment complex

he didn't know what it was what maybe he was just so disoriented that he just was like what is that there's no there's nothing in a guy's upbringing that says uh you know tells you about the rip cord you know that's just something you just learn it's one of the few things like you know back in the day I was supposed to learn about like the whole reproductive system like it's literally like half an hour not even half an hour maybe a 10 minute part of your lesson about the reproductive system when they if they if you even okay they didn't have that they didn't have that when I was growing up but I can guarantee you in those classes they never say hey and if you're ever tying to bang some chick who's on the rag right right of course if you see that little string coming out uh

that me I mean you're trying to bang a girl and turns out she's on the rag you know why but the thing is she knows she's having her period so why is she well read the you know what she's gonna do read the rest she's gonna want to either she's gonna want to bang and say it's not a heavy flow day or she's gonna take it in the oh yeah that's that that could be all right let's just this is getting gross this is like really it's graphic it's very graphic because I wasn't really sure what it was at the time I would have loved if you said what you thought it might be is she flossing down there um I told her exactly what I was thinking and he said this is what he said this is classic he says she said that naked with a leg spread and he goes there's a white thing

dot dot dot there she told me that it was a tamp tampon yeah and that she was on her period she said it was fine and still wanted to have sex I got really weirded out not grossed out I got really weirded out so I told her that maybe we should wait she told me there are other ways I called it uh I was still or maybe even further freaked out by this girl so we just went to sleep keep in mind that this this is the first night we ever hung out yeah why did you let her stay there did I do the right thing should I meet up with her again or is she crazy I don't I don't understand thanks a lot and go fuck yourself what huh I'm confused did I do the right thing by not sleeping with her yeah by not

having anal sex with her is that or whatever or just plowing through the fucking storm if you didn't feel comfortable if you didn't if you didn't feel comfortable with it then you shouldn't have sex with her that's the right thing a captain on a ship just going through the waves captain you're crazy we're gonna make it you fag um sorry you put that word in my head who did that fucking guy over there I never say the f word I say fuck I don't say faggot I try to take it out they took they told me to knock it off and I'm trying I respect it you do knock it off so I say right yeah you know yeah I'm not trying to be a dick here but for the longest time you called somebody a fag it had nothing to do it just meant you were a pussy we didn't know what we

was saying I know you fucking faggot I know we got it we got it I'm just saying so anyway okay Bill Burr trying to knock it off I'm trying the thing is you're so sometimes you're so I don't know if innocence the right word but sometimes you are you're so dumb you're so yeah you're so dumb about the like the defensiveness that you grew up with you're always like what everybody said you're so defensive about it for so long yeah but you know something because it's like you honestly don't know any better because yeah you're dumb and then finally enough people explain it to you that you are a human being you have a heart and you're a sensitive so you're

like oh okay all right I won't say any more Jesus fucking Christ like that's the attitude you have about it it's like you want to be a good person but you're like you're angry that you have to like let go of this part of your past where people just said fag to each other and it was like hey that's what we say it's Boston go fuck yourself well you know jimmy door the great jimmy door I actually did a show uh Friday night he's so goddamn funny he has the funniest fucking bit on that that on knock it off why that's a dumb ad campaign because it really is like you know hey knock it out it's really like this parental I don't I don't I don't say oh that's gay or stuff like that yeah he's not saying that that's wrong right to try and get people to stop doing it but is that the best

way to get people to stop doing it by saying hey knock it off like you're driving the car and you're their parent you're swinging it they're like I don't want to step on his bit here go go see jimmy door and request that bit um so anyway this young man is saying did I do the right thing by not sleeping with her and should I see her again because he was absolutely was freaked out 100% did if she wanted to have straight up vaginal sex there is not a condom thick enough or all encompassing that would have to take up like it would you'd have to put it on like underwear that condom and boxer underwear and then have to all be rubber you'd have to put on basically a wetsuit that had like a little flappy thing there for your dick people have the right thing yeah

he would not have felt he would not have felt comfortable having sex with this girl while she he if he already was thrown off by the fact that she had a tampon in if you know this girl is a pig why is she a pig because don't defend her just because she's a woman and I'm asking a question I'm I'm defending this why is she a pig yeah why she's bleeding from her private parts yeah and just it's just like let's fucking have at it that is some fucking truck stop large marge shit all right give me a fucking break I'm not trashing all women women this woman here is a pig he probably no protection okay could have gone in the back door with this girl first fucking date she's a pig so what used to you feel like she wasn't ladylike and respecting

herself enough or something this is what I'm thinking you ever see the club everybody wants to go to and is that long line down the street yeah that's what has been lining up to her her fucking private parts have you ever heard of the term slut shaming have you heard this term that people is it something well that's one I've never used so I don't need to knock that off I've never heard that knock it off but have you heard of slut shaming which is no but I can I can I can guess what it is how come if a guy does it a guy's a stud but if a woman does it she's a whore right exactly and that's the truest thing you'll ever fucking read okay what is the truest thing that if a woman does it she is a whore so you believe in that whole double standard absolutely

why is that exactly because you there's there's no skill involved with you guys getting laid all you have to do hey is so this is a skill based thing and when define skill the skills that you feel like you're presenting you're getting laid as a guy tell me all about your amazing skills are you done are you done yeah for now yeah we've already had this argument we talked about it in a bar one time and I said okay let's turn the tables all right let's pretend that I'm holding the fucking bag of gold and you're coming and trying to get it okay hit on me come come you know do right now right do right now I can't I can't I'm not good at it I'm not good at it you know why why because it's a skill when women sit there and they go oh my god guys come up to me and I say

that dumbest stuff that's all you have to say as a guy oh yeah what would you say go ahead dazzle me come up me with your hey baby what's your sign the fucking line what do you got convince me hey yeah exactly exactly we have to convince you on stage all year night and I thought you're pretty funny oh thanks so yeah and I'll be I'll be I'll be the girl who's gonna deliberately make it difficult no I'm not I'm not good at it yeah I'm not good at hitting on people that's not my and you know why that is because you didn't have to all you do is put on a spaghetti strapped dress and be like oh did I drop a napkin and you're in the game flirting I can do but that's different that's more like conversational but no I'm not going to just walk you have to understand

that as a guy you have to convince a woman to have sex with you and after you've convinced her you have to continue convincing her all the way back to the apartment you got to keep the plate spinning and any little fucking thing can throw it off okay so because of because of that whole struggle that you poor men have to do in order to get a woman to sleep with you I feel so bad for you okay so because there's that difference then just no respect and then I'm supposed to respect makes it that makes it okay to say if a girl is like hey let's just you know I want to have fun with you let's let's have sex all of a sudden she's a slut or a pig and all that and the guy is like what the hero or the more skilled of the two of them that doesn't make any sense are you done

Nia first fucking date she's sitting there okay she wants to have sex whatever but you're sitting there with a fucking bloody rag hanging out of you and you don't even know this guy and you just fucking spreading your fucking legs and he's like uh yeah there's a thing hanging out of there and she says there's other ways I guarantee you you know what that girl is that's the girl when you take out the condom who goes uh god I hate condoms that fucking girl if you have a girl ever says god I hate condoms immediately run the other direction go in the bathroom rub one out get that dumb idea out of your fucking and vice versa if a guy ever says god I hate condoms run the other way too exactly just to keep it fair no you're right no you're right I mean the idea you're so into

women's issues right now you can't see the trees through the forest so this girl is a fucking pig no I mean I know I definitely you're right a girl who has got a tampon in who's spreading her legs and being like hey and the guy's like uh are you on your what's going on there and she's like hey there's other ways it's other ways I mean I got any friends I guess there's like smoother ways to I don't know I would never do that I admit that but I'm not necessarily throwing all bad judgment behind this girl because maybe she was just drunk and she was probably like oh shit this kid is a babe in the woods right he could have been at this point with her after his first class okay he hasn't been with a lot of girls he basically is like do you ever see that

video of those guys who put put a goat in a in a fucking cage with a python and it doesn't even know it was horrible they didn't think that the goat didn't even know what it was the fucking snakes yeah it went literally up and like licked the fucking python's face kind of freaked the thing out like whoa what was that and then all of a sudden by the time it realizes what it's in the cage with it's fucking over so it's terrible so this guy is the goat and this girl is the snake and he doesn't realize what he's in and just by dumb in the snake by dumb luck by dumb luck she went to strike and he fucking shook it like fucking this is turning into a parable the goat and the snake well all right so basically clearly this girl as a little two is on a different level than this guy

and perhaps he should maybe find a girl that's this girl probably is at some point of life is going to have the std fun pack you know what's what's included in that fun pack uh little herps little gonorrhea probably some crabs the starter kit the starter kit you know before you move on to the more serious shit like aids abola herps is forever so that's pretty intense i would think that sounds like an advertising campaign for herpes it's forever herps herps is forever but don't they have like uh they have like that medicine you could take and keep it at bay uh yeah that's what they say in the commercials like and if you have an outbreak take more or whatever i don't know i don't know what they tell you to do yeah that that co-commercial is just scary and it's just like

you know just because you've taken this and you don't have an outbreak doesn't mean you can't spread it right do you know i'm happy that makes me feel to be with you that we don't have the herp but we don't have the herp i don't have to worry about that it's forever right those things when i was single they scared the fucking shit out of me and i remember then i hear stuff like even if you wear a condom that's not a hundred percent i was just oh my god yeah i got blisters on my fingers she's she's a this is not it doesn't seem like this is the girl for you she might be a little too advanced when you stop alligator arm in it this might not be the girl for you she's a little too advanced this woman is a fucking war pig your alligator arm in it i'm not i'm trying to be like

tender and you know nice you know what alligator arm means you don't watch sports no i don't you know what i really don't appreciate when i come down here and having this conversation with you and you want to throw these little sports things at me and you always you always say oh you don't watch sports oh you need the sports thing like you have to like remind me that i'm not on the same level as you like so i'm not going to get all your amazing sports references and terms and phrases and i don't appreciate that can you guys believe that when in 10 minutes of just going on this rant about how dumb i am and how innocent i am with using the word fag and i i don't you have like an innocent heart but you're dumb and you just respond with rage the whole way you made me this

fucking like simpleton yeah you have me doing everything but fucking you know being a big goof like hey are you doing like walking on the street like you know and accidentally crush somebody to death trying to hug them that's how you just painted me you're like yeah you're like of a of mys and men yeah that's how you're painting me within 10 minutes of this you're a Lenny and of mys and men that's how you yeah that's exactly how you described me i was too dumb to know that fucking reference and then because i i say alligator arm is okay you've seen an alligator right yeah do they have long arms no they do not they do not and it's basically it's a it's a sports term um somebody throws you the ball and you could actually reach out and get it but you

don't totally reach out because you're worried about getting hit okay so allig so you alligator arm it's like so and if you don't catch the ball the guy can't hit you oh okay i thought so i'm saying you so your alligator arm in this in that you're going this girl isn't a girl for you but blah blah blah he's in he's he's in there with the fucking pit viper right he's the goat and she's he is he is the std free goat and he is walking into a fucking incubator of just i mean i mean this girl probably i don't i i want to get into it she's not the girl for you she's not the girl for you that's bad advice why this girl is a fucking pig and you're supposed to do about it tell the whole fucking school i'm just saying she's not the girl for you move on to

somebody else who's more your speed why is that bad advice because you're acting like you know she's not into sports likes to eat and is a morning person and he likes sports and staying up you know what this person isn't like you know this person isn't for you i mean it's like a foodie it's like it's a simple way of saying that that you know you shouldn't move on that's that's all it is no it's like you're sitting there with the toddler and he's about ready to touch a hot stove you got to be like there has to be a sense of urgency here like like no no no no no this this will hurt you this will hurt you know you make that little fucking can they don't even speak english you're trying to fucking speak english they can't they can't speak yet you're trying to fucking have a

fuck yourself you're sitting there talking to this person like um hey try some of this sandwich yeah i didn't really like that bread well maybe you like this bread like it's just like this whimsical there's too many daisies and what you're saying this is this is a very dangerous situation this guy should stay away from this girl on all fucking and all girls like this she's got a she's on her period and she has no fucking like like class she just opens her leg like what was he supposed to do pull it out and just go off on it there's other ways she's suggesting anal this girl is like off she's a fucking mess stay away from this girl this girl will get pregnant this girl will give you fucking a disease this girl will steal your laptop this girl's a fucking nightmare

knock it off all right all right advice for a lady dear bill i've been with my boyfriend for two years now we're in college together and he's currently taking a semester abroad oh jesus where in brazil um before he left we had a running joke that i was going to need a vibrator when he left as a surprise parting gift he got me one i have a couple friends whose boyfriends bought them sex toys so while i was a little surprised he actually got me a vibrator i also happened to know that it's a relatively normal it's relatively normal for a boyfriend to do that yeah that's basically like this era's chastity belt you know you're trying to lock down the pussy that's disgusting hey yeah but that's what he's doing though anyway yeah but it's done because

those things you use them too much they numb up your area there and then the guy can't even remotely try and you know do something for and then you got to be sitting there banging banging them as their user using the thing as you know it's like you and an alien are fucking this girl that's just all dick has no body all right whatever let's move on what i'm basing it on basing my my fucking life i did live a little bit of a life before i met you i realized that all right anyway fast forward to about a week ago we were on skype uh he asked you to take this thing out um no we don't have sex chats thank god and he casually asked me how his gift for me was working out i told him it was working out pretty well he then mentioned that he had bought something for

himself a flashlight and joe rogan experience is brought to you by the flashlight every week those are very weird those are very weird but okay they look like that thing boba fell into when he died in one of those space movies um i knew he's trying to be faithful to her that's nice okay he said she goes i knew what this was because i am an avid listener of joe rogan's podcast there you go joe rogan's come up three times in this podcast who raves about it constantly my boyfriend had never mentioned to me that he was interested in anything like that and i always thought the idea of it was totally creepy i acted like it was totally cool but in all honesty i really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake wait i got lost in that i actually was thinking

is joe gonna get mad that i'm saying that this is weird okay i acted like it was totally cool but in all honesty i really don't want him to be fucking a perfect fake vagina whenever he wants to i'm finding myself getting crazy jealous and angry whenever i think about it i know i know i'm jealous of an inanimate object which seems insane let me finish i'm really struggling with this because part of me wants to be completely okay with it since it's sort of a hypocrit it's sort of hypocritical to get angry when he got me a vibrator but now i'm starting to think that maybe he only bought me a dildo so i wouldn't be able to complain when he got himself a proxy pussy proxy pussy so what do you think do i need to suck it up and get over this or is my jealousy legitimate thanks and go fuck

yourself let him go fuck his fake pussy as long as he's not faking a real pussy i mean fucking a real pussy then you know it's all good plus you it's not just like the the pussy that it's that he's missing he's also missing like you know your touch and kissing and the whole other part of it too and that fake pussy can't blow him either no he isn't he's getting right to the dessert don't be jealous have you tried these brussel sprouts don't need them don't be jealous bring over the trace leche when he comes back it'll be even better because you both have been like doing it with inanimate objects and so it's like you'll be rediscovering each other all over again it'll be even better i don't think i don't think it's a good thing why because uh once you start down a path

sexually you know in order to get off that path you don't just jump over onto another path you got to walk all the way back up the path you went down get to the fork where you fucked up and then head down the other one what i'm saying is he might get used to just doing that mm-hmm and the sensation of that is what gets him off and then when her pussy doesn't feel like the flashlight it'll feel better he'll he'll he'll bang her and then and then when he needs to finish she'll be like all right and now for me what that fucking thing no no she'll feel even better if anything he'll be like oh my god i forgot what a real woman feels like and he'll be done in like two minutes that's what you hope um i don't think she should be jealous of it though they're both

they're both doing the right thing when you're in a relationship and you're that far apart from each other because he could i i bang all sorts of harry european girls no offense to harry european girls but i'm just saying you know listen i i watch this thing one time or listen to it on the radio mm-hmm one of those call-in sex shows and this guy had to put away he jerked off because he dry humped the rug it was causing like chafing on his dick and it but it it was the only way he could get off because he wasn't in a relationship for a while and he kept doing that and i don't know so i'm just saying like i would go easy on those it's like anything anything in moderation yeah how often is he using this and how often is she using that if you use a vibrator too much you

numb yourself up down there and then when you guys down there you can't feel anything that's so disgusting um overrated underrated for the week overrated the super bowl underrated rounds one and two of the nfl playoffs bill this may be sacrilegious to say in america but i actually enjoy rounds one and two of the nfl playoffs more than the super bowl that isn't sacrilegious because at no point does Beyonce or britney spears sing before and in the halftime show there's not a bunch of douchebags who don't like football showing up feeling like they have to be there you know all the broads why do you look yeah why are you looking at me because you go to super bowl parties every year and you hate football yeah well they're fun they're nice gatherings

and i talk when the game's on i like no i don't build run no i don't when the most important game it's disgusting if you do it again this year we're breaking up each week you get two games both on saturday and sunday there seems to be that we can win this thing excitement in the air and i can relax and watch the games in the comfort of my home or at a local bar without dozens of non-fans in the room as is typically the case at a super bowl party super bowl on the other hand has become so pretentious in recent years i don't even really want to get worked up for it as much as i used to the game takes forever 85 percent of the commercial sucks and we're forced to stare at madonna's beat up face for 30 minutes during a halftime show plus the two-week gap in between the super bowl

and the conference champion really takes the air out of the sales what are your thoughts i think this is what you do you watch the super bowl alone and you tape it and you start watching it you dvr and you watch you let you let you give the game a 90-minute head start and then then you just sit down you watch it by yourself and you you plow through the pre-game and you just watch the fucking game and when the halftime show comes you fast forward through that and now you're into the third quarter and third quarter and fourth quarter it's going to be regular time football that's the way to watch the super bowl and you watch it by yourself maybe with another buddy of yours who that enjoys the game that's how i would do it

you know no thoughts on that no but what about the social aspects shut up you're gonna have brownies during the opening you're gonna have cheese doodles oh my god the way the broads talk during that fucking game and then and then and it's true and then everybody shuts up to watch the commercials and then and then the game comes back under uh i thought that one was lame what did you think well that's definitely the best one so far how much did that cost well why don't you stop going off to super bowl parties then bill why don't you stop if you don't like the game i don't do any of that stuff that you're talking about i don't hey i don't like needlepoint i don't go to your fucking needlepoint party store i don't do needlepoint i don't do what do you do arts and crafts

i don't crash your super bowl or those things and come there and talk when you're trying to glue the popsicle sticks together and then shut the fuck up when i don't talk throughout the game i go in the other room or i hang out with other people if they're lies lies lies yeah okay that's the money morning podcast oh before i get out of here huh that's it that's it we did a nice long one all right there's nothing else huh no okay um amazon.com everybody if you want to um if you want to buy something on amazon.com and support my podcast go to billbird.com click on the podcast page take it we got a link um whatever you call it the little box the little window thing the little uh little icon you click on that thing i have no idea what they're called the banner ad you click on

it you go to amazon.com you buy something they kick me back a little bit of money i take 10% of that and i throw it to the wounded warriors project you sponsored this and the wounded warriors see that's it everybody that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves and uh yeah if you ever get with a girl and she spreads her leg with the the ripcord there all right you're the goat she's the snake get the fuck out of the cage see you