Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-8-18

Episode Date: January 8, 2018

Bill rambles about Zombies, Playoffs and The Golden Globes.

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That's a lot of AIDS, dude. I should go get a fucking scratch ticket and play nothing but AIDS. Dude, my number came in. Hit it for fucking seven and a quarter. We're going to go down to fucking... What the fuck are those casinos down there? Jesus Christ, I perform at them. I'm going to go down to Mahegan's son, dude.

Hit the fucking blackjack table. Split naces, kid. What the hell? I'm playing with house money. How are you? How was your first weekend of the year? Did you enjoy it? There's only 51 left.

Or four left, if you listen to people who are freaking out about global warming. I mean, you know, I'm not saying that it doesn't concern me, but I just kind of take it day to day. I look out the window, right? There's no zombies. I can turn on the faucet. There's still water. Okay. All right.

You've got to look for the zombies first. I like the old zombies. You know what I mean? The ones that walked real slow. You had a fucking chance as opposed to now they're like running around. I'll roid it up. Roid it up. That's right.

They're on the fucking juice. All these zombies need to be tested. They got to get it out of the fucking league. All right. All those kills that all those other zombies have. Like zombies are killing so many people now. You know what I mean? Of course you don't.

You don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Neither do I. All right. If you're new to my podcast, how are you? Get ready to listen to some of the dumbest shit you're going to hear for, you know, for like another 58 minutes, I think. Yeah. Good call.

Minute 52, minute 52 into the podcast. I'm going to fucking pat myself on the back. That's the back of my head. That's why it was fucking sounded like, you know, fucking wedding ring. You know what sucks about wedding ring? You got this little piece of metal on your hand. You hit yourself. You know, it's like a constant fucking.

Why can't it's like a painful reminder? Oh, that's right. I'm married. You know, fly goes onto your face. You whack yourself right in the face. You already slapped yourself in the face and then your wedding ring like catches like your brow. You know, you're like, ah, fuck.

And right after that happens, your wife goes, honey, could you? What? I was just asking if you could do me a favor. Where did that come from? I did the smartest thing tonight, right? Me and my wife, right? My wife, we had this, you know, every once in a while, you got a clean house, right? And be like, all right, let's go where the kid can't hear us.

Just sit down and we're going to talk about what we've been doing over the last whatever month, six months, decade, depending on how long it's been since you've had those talks, right? Having a talk in a relationship is like fucking the end of your year when you have to do your taxes and you didn't organize anything. And you got a year's worth of fucking receipts all sticking out all over the place. And you just keep putting it off and putting it off. You know what I mean?

The next thing, you know, the box is fucking another box down the street, right? So we try to air it out. So we went out, all right? Got some chicken wings and we just fuck it. I think we were just going to go out to hang. We knew that we needed to hang out. Like we got to hang out, right? The kid's taking a lot of our us time.

We need to go fucking hang out. So we go hang out and then just all this shit came out, all right? And one of the things that I was doing is I was ruining television for her because I don't shut up when I watch TV. I imitate people. I make fun of them. And when the other person is in the room and they want to watch the show, evidently it's really annoying.

Of course it's annoying. So, and if she's watching reality TV, like I never shut up because it's just, I mean, I don't know. So I've been trying not, you know, if she's watching something that we both enjoy, like Ozak, you know, or the Black Mirror, they all got Boston. They got the Rs in there. All the shows that we like, Twilight Zone, all of that shit. If we're watching shit like that, I shut up.

All right. But if it's anything else, I don't shut the fuck up. So if she's watching like reality shows. So tonight she was watching the Golden Globes. All right. And I know right there, I can't watch that show with her because she's going to get mad at me. So I just wanted to watch Seth's monologue.

I always watch the comic because it's such a fucking crazy gig, right? To come out there, you're doing all brand new shit and like sitting right in the front row, like two feet away is fucking Oprah Winfrey. And, you know, Samuel Jackson and Willem Dafoe, all these fucking people are there. It's like the whole move, the whole, everything you're watching at home on TV, television shows, movies, all of a sudden it turns around and looks at you while you go out there with a new fucking 10 minutes. So whatever the hell it is they do.

So I'm watching that. Seth is fucking killing. And I, the first time I talked was at some point when I saw Oprah was sitting there. I leaned up and go, can you imagine doing your jokes? And Oprah is like right there. She was like, and, and I was like, oh fuck. All right. And I just said, yeah, I'm going to shut up.

And then the award show started and the smartest thing I did is I just, I, I pretended I had to go do something and I just sort of got up and I walked out. So I wouldn't, I wouldn't do the rest of it. I wouldn't do the rest. I wouldn't ruin the fucking show for her. And you guess what? We're not in a fight right now. It's unbelievable.

You know, and she would just, I just stayed in the kitchen. I made some waffles. I'm one of those breakfast for dinner kind of guys. You know, that's how I do it. That's my swagger. That's, that's, that's the marble man that I have in me. I just realized a second I said that that's like some shit you say when you're trying to be interesting on a date, or if you're too dumb to know, you're not interesting.

You would say something. I, first of all, I want to thank everyone who's still listening to this. The fact that I said I'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy. All right. What I should have said was I like having breakfast for dinner sometimes, but I said I'm a breakfast for dinner kind of guy. Once you say kind of guy, you should be legally required to do the double fucking pistol shot with you.

With your fingers on that kind of guy. Bang, bang. Side of fucking sausage. So I was out there making waffles. And she yelled out, she goes, Sam, you want, Sam, you want Sam Rockwell one. So I, you know, obviously love Sam. And he did something that's really hard to do. He had a great speech.

And then, you know, I was watching a little bit more and I felt all these things that I was going to say. So I just walked out. I walked out before I said something stupid, you know, if your tux is all black, you're not a rapist. Welcome to the golden globes. Like I would have been doing shit like that. Do you realize you could be an absolute fucking monster?

Okay. But if you wore an all black tuxedo, like no, everyone would be looking at you like you were progressive. That's why I, you know, I understand why it's done because it's a show of strength and everybody's like, yes, this is obviously something that, you know, needs to stop. Yadda, yadda, yadda and a bunch of other obvious shit. But it also creates this thing where you could just walk in and no one's going to fuck with you because you're wearing the right uniform.

That's why I don't like all of that political correctness stuff is because you create a roadmap for people to just get across the river because they know what to say and what not to say when they're in public and everybody's like, oh, he said Native American. He said, well, obviously, and he has an all black tuxedo. He must be a good person. All right. Now, all of this is just shit that no one wants to fucking hear when they're trying to watch.

So I ran in, I saw Sam Rockwell when I heard Carol Burnett was there. And I saw that. And when I heard Roseanne Barr and John Goodman were on, I ran in and I watched that, you know. And I saw something else. I saw Jennifer Aniston. Oh, she was there with Carol Burnett. How fucking great does she look?

I'm telling you, man, she does not age at all. Her and fucking Howie Long. I said the exact same. That's kind of weird, right? I said the exact same thing when I saw Howie Long today when I was watching the playoffs. I was like, if he fucking looks unbelievable guy just does, he has not lost one hair on top of his head. I haven't even had that hair cut since I was like 15.

Um, anyways, uh, I fucking watch so much goddamn sports this weekend, right? I did do a little duo lingo trying to get back into the whole trying to, I have to become bilingual and I have to learn how to speak French because that's such a snooty fucking language. I'm such a dope. How hilarious would it be? That's what keeps me going, all right? Not respect for the culture, not trying to improve myself.

Just how fucking funny it would be if I was completely fluent in French and like really good at it. I could speak to slang, but I wouldn't have an accent. You know, I mean, just think of how much dumb shit I've said right now. And all of a sudden out of nowhere, I could just start speaking perfect. I could go to Paris and no one would turn their fucking nose up at me. Oh, the opportunity. I'm telling you, I want to do that because I want to go there and I want to act like

a fucking moron. I mean, I didn't have to act. I'm just, I'd ramp it up, you know, and then just listen to hear what they would say. And I would just, I would, 10 days of just laughing my fucking balls off and then ruining it for all you guys who go over there. If you're from here, um, anyways, so I, uh, I had the peach bowl taped, recorded, saved in fucking digital space, whatever the fuck you could say. And I was meaning to watch it because I came home from the Rose Bowl and I saw, I was like,

holy shit, central Florida one. So, uh, I actually put it on and my wife was six this weekend. You know, everybody got the bug. Everybody got the stomach flu. I haven't got it yet. Okay. I take these little chewables. All right.

And I, I, I take a men's, uh, what the fuck do you call it? A men's, uh, vitamin, what do they call those things? Men's daily or some shit. I never take them. I take them when I start to feel sick. And I knew everybody was getting sick around me. So I just started fucking just chowing those things down, right? And I've been able to hold it off.

And last night I actually, uh, slept in a different room. You know what I mean? I love my wife, but you know, I'm not going to stop puking and shit. And you don't know me unnecessarily. I wouldn't put her through that, right? I mean, Jesus Christ for better for worse. And then there's like common sense, um, and my wife's cool as hell. So she was like, yeah, get out of here, get out of here.

So, um, I left, you know what's weird is if, when you ever just like, when I sleep in a different room, I sleep on the opposite side of the bed. So when I wake up and I get a sense that the edge of the bed is on the wrong side and I'm not on the road, you know, it freaks me out. Where the fuck am I? Did I get arrested for a murder? I didn't commit. And then I open my eyes and I'm like, oh, fuck no, I'm just sleeping in a different room

in my own house. That's cool. Um, so anyways, I watched the fucking peach bowl and I watched central Florida man. What a fucking game. What a game, man. Central Florida. Huh? This is long overdue.

Congrats in that. I hope you say his name is Shaqueen Griffin, the linebacker on the team, the guys got one hand. He's got one hand and he was dominating, dominating Auburn, who I swear to God, half of their guys looked like they had like 40 pounds on whoever they were lining up against. And I love Auburn. I love Auburn. I love watching him beat Alabama.

You know, I love seeing that shit. It's just fun. It's fun to see, you know, because Alabama is supposed to win. So Auburn was supposed to win that one. So I mean, how do you not root for central Florida? It's, I went to their campus, right? Did I go to the central Florida? I don't think I did.

I went to the other one, wherever the game was at the war and the four, the one that's in Orlando, I went to that one and I just went in and I looked at the campus and I was like, yeah, I could have got accepted here. I could have gone to this fucking school. Like their campus is in the middle of like a rotary. Like there's a big roundabout and they just, but it's like they had a big roundabout and then they stuck a school right in the middle of it. So I had to root for him because I love that game so much, you know, so you got to love

an underdog. So congratulations to them. And what else? And I watched all of the playoff games, playoffs, except yet, no, I can't even say that. I watched two of the games today and I missed, you know, I put the Kansas City game on right at the end and because my brother texted me, he said, was talking about Sean McDonough's voice when it cracked. I can't believe the level of shit the guy got for that.

That was a great call. It just was, it just wasn't a touchdown. Then everybody who's fucking miserable has got to trash the guy. I wish something as exciting as that happened every game just to hear him lose his shit. All I heard was a guy that loves the game and fucking loves his job. Everybody's like, you hear his voice crack? I don't know, my voice cracks when I get excited, you know? Anyways, so everybody's jumping all over Andy Reed, you know, giving him shit for fucking,

I don't even know what the hell happened. I have no idea. I know that their big fucking tight end, the potato sack race guy, you know, we took a shot to the head. So he wasn't in the game. Obviously that would change. Bill, you were literally going to break down a game he didn't watch? That probably, probably, you know, you know, loves to say, you know what?

The guy can't get it done. Guy can't get it done. Andy Reed, you know, that guy can't get it done. You know, people love to say that kind of shit. People who can't get it done in their own lives. You know what I mean? Guy can't get it done. Nobody can get it done in Kansas City.

Nobody's got it done in Kansas City since fucking Hank Stram. All right, he's gone to a fucking franchise that is a perennial fucking loser and he came from another one, Philadelphia. That's a perennial fucking loser. All right, Kansas City won a Super Bowl in 1970. The fucking Eagles won in 1960. Anybody can do the Phil Jackson thing and fucking go jump on the goddamn Lakers when they got already got Kobe Bryant and Shaq.

Andy Reed likes a challenge. I'm going to the most miserable fucking sports city in the world, Philadelphia. He went there before the Phillies won. All right, when it was a fucking drought, well, they had won in 1980, but you know what I mean? So in defense of that guy, is everybody shitting all over them like they would have known how to run the clock or whatever the fuck they give him shit about. That guy is taking on two huge fucking challenges.

The Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs. All right, so there's my take on it. Having not watched the game. You see that? You see what happens when you just you find an angle and you just go off on it. It actually sounded for half a second like I knew what I was talking about, right? Actually, you know why I didn't see the game? The real reason I didn't see the game wasn't because my wife was sick.

The real reason why is because I was busy looking at game filled film. I was busy looking at game film, getting ready to, you know, I had to coach some kids out in Buffalo against this team. The Jaguars. If one more person sends me a goddamn photo going, is it me or you look just like this guy? It's like, dude, that joke was made like a year ago. If you guys really want to just fucking annoy me, just keep sending me that like, and you

got to deliver it like it's the first time. You know, I should have done, I should have started retweeting all of them. Maybe that's what I need to do. I thought I already retweeted them to be like, this joke has been made, let's, can we build on it? I'm not saying don't make the joke, but you got to knock, knock who's there banana banana who knock, knock who's there banana banana who I get it. Where the hell am I?

All right, Jags beat the fucking bills. Oh, that's right. I watched that. That's the first game I watched. I missed the Atlanta Falcons playing the Rams. And I think like a lot of people, I forgot that Atlanta won the first 58 minutes of last year's Super Bowl. And then what was great was they completely fucked up their regular season to the point

nobody was talking about them. But they made the playoffs. So now it playoffs until now everybody's zero and zero to start. And they got all that experience in the last year, last year, right? I don't know who the fuck do they play next week? They go to Philly. They go to Philly and Philly was all lined up to go. And what happens?

Huh? Carson Wentz gets his fucking knee fucked up for the rest of the season because it's Philly. Okay. And I'm not shit, not Philly. Any Eagle fan will tell you this. The second you put that fucking helmet on, somebody's got to break that curse, man. Do you think it's going to be Nick Foles?

Huh? Does his last name sound too much like Follies? The Nick Foles Follies. If he fucking blows this game, I'm telling you right now, he's going to be starting one of those ice capades. He'll be like the guy with the top hat, bringing out a bunch of old Eagles on ice skates that never won Super Bowls. I'm trying to figure out who I'm going to root for this year.

Obviously, I'm rooting for the Patriots, but who else do I like? You know, I actually like the Saints. What a great game that was. Now that game I saw against the fucking Panthers, a lot of drops, some critical drops by the Panthers in the first half. You know what I think is going to happen? I think Drew Brees, Drew Brees, the underrated Drew Brees. He's like third all-time passing.

Nobody talks about him. You know what I mean? You know why? He's a regular looking guy, you know? He's a little taller than Doug Flutey. Okay? He's a little shyer than fucking Brett Favre, and he's not as good looking as Tom Brady, you know?

And he's down there in New Orleans, and nobody's paying attention. Nobody's fucking paying attention. And meanwhile, the guy's out there killing it. He's got a Super Bowl ring. So now he's going to Minnesota to face some guy named Case Keenum, who people are saying he's in the running to be the athlete of the week. He is. Do you think Drew Brees is afraid of that?

I don't think he is. This is my prediction for next week, knowing nothing about the Minnesota Vikings, okay? I say Drew Brees goes into Minnesota, okay, and when he leaves, there's going to be a bunch of people crying at the Mall of America. I think the Saints go in, and they fucking beat Minnesota. You know, a buddy of mine was going, I can't believe Minnesota built another dome. They're like a cold city team. That's like a great advantage.

And now Drew Brees is going to go in and play in a dome. He's going to be at home, and I was just like, why did they make a dome? And I was like, that's what I was thinking, but we're old guys. And I think that, you know, the NFL's done with us. You know, they're now trying to move on to the millennials, and you got to build a dome because millennials don't like to go outside, right? So if you can just get them to an Uber, they'll get to the game, and then, look, look, you're back inside again.

You're back inside this big TV screens. You can stare at those instead of watch the game, but you can sit here and say, you are at what you watched on a TV. All right. The Patriots are playing the Titans. We'll see. We'll see how that one goes. You never know.

And who do the Steelers got? The Steelers got the fucking, they got the Jags, right? The Steelers got the Jags. I'm kind of happy both those teams, one of them is going to knock the other guy off, although I'm not excited, you know, if we get past the Titans, I am not excited to play the Steelers again, because they already beat us once this year. But unfortunately, we were given the victory over that whole bullshit, maybe it's a good thing because we end up getting the home field, but I always think the team that loses has

the advantage the second time around, however, however, I just think Bill Belichick is such a superior coach. By the way, do I really have to address this stupid shit about Bill Belichick, that he's going to leave the Patriots over a fucking personal trainer? I sometimes I just think that the fucking media just has it out for the fucking Patriots. I just don't understand. I've never seen such a big bunch of shit made out of nothing. And here's the thing.

If he's fucking going back, if Belichick ever went back to the Giants, who gives a fuck? He's not ours. He started with the Giants. Okay, well he didn't. He started with like the fucking Lions or something, but he started with the Giants. Okay, that's where he got his first ring. Then he went over to the goddamn Jets, right? The man goes over to the fucking Jets and um, well, he went to Cleveland before that

and they fired him, typical Cleveland move. He goes over to the Jets. He was going to be the Jets coach. It was right there. And then he just wanted to get off Monday with Bill Parcells and he left. So it wouldn't be a defection out of Boston. It would be a return home. We fucking stole that guy in 1999.

We've gone to seven Super Bowls, one five. Maybe that's why we never beat the Giants. That was the football gods going, Bill, you never should have left. Actually should have left. You know what I mean? That was like when he stepped out from Bill Parcell's shadow, became the fucking legend that he is now. But anyways, the end of the fucking day, I don't give a fuck about Tom Brady's personal

trainer. And who the fuck would break up the goddamn band over that is beyond me? Am I really supposed to think that that's a real fucking thing? That would shock me. Not if he left, it would just shock me if it was over that. But you know, Bill Parcells left over Terry Glenn, rest in peace, you know, I'll never quite forgive that guy for telling the fucking team that he wasn't coming back the next year before we played the Packers in the Super Bowl.

And actually, has that ever even been confirmed? Somebody just told me he did that. All right, I'd like to apologize to Bill Parcells. What the fuck am I talking about here? She listening to as a man who did nothing with his weekend. That's what you're doing. Okay, that's why you're probably listening because you probably did it too. All right, here's one of the deutious things.

I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to do it. And I feel like I have to admit to it before I do it. Okay, anybody in Ireland, wait, I got to make sure that's the right country. Who makes shepherd's pie? You know what I mean? There's like all these those fucking pies over there. I love all of them because I got all that blood in me, English, Irish, Scottish. So any sort of, I don't even know those fucking meat pies.

I like that shit. All right, shepherd's pie, origin. Shepherd's pie was invented by Sheamus O. Shepherd. Shepherd's pie or cottage pie is a meat pie, a place of origin, the United Kingdom. Oh, all right. Because there's no sheep in Ireland. Is that what it is? I always forget that then Ireland, they make a different one, right?

Shepherd's pie, a cottage pie, history. This is going to be boring as shit. In early cookbooks, the dish was a means of using leftover roasted meat of any kind and a pie dish was lined with mashed potatoes as well as having a mashed potato crust on top. They built a wall around it back then. Where did it come from? Like that?

I can't find it. So I just yelled at my computer. I don't give a fuck. You know, that's it right there. That's why I didn't do well in school. I look it up and I have like, I got, I got that clock in my head, like a quarterback, you know, you got the clock before I just throw it out of bounds. I don't care now.

Now I'm not going to learn it. I'll fucking make it up on the next question. And that's why I got like a 390 combined on my SATs. I didn't. I took a prep course and I actually, I actually, I studied, did I break it? I don't think I broke 400. I know whatever you do. Dude, I give you like 350.

I know. Um, anyways, I'm going to make a shepherd's pie with cauliflower mashed potatoes. I just have to pause here as everybody's going, yeah, because this gluten free diet that I'm doing, I'm kind of half ass doing it, but just half ass doing it. I, I don't have to work out it's fucking great telling you, man. If you lay off the gluten, I remember thinking, what the fuck is gluten? And then they told me what it's everything that it's in. And I'm like, Oh, so like all the good foods, all the foods I love, um, I've just been laying

off the old glute there, uh, gluten free. If you ever saw my flat ass, you'd be surprised. Oh, sorry. Bad joke. Um, yeah. So I'm going to make it with, uh, cauliflower because I'm not allowed to eat potatoes. I'm sorry, people. I've been out here too long.

You know, I've been 10 years out here, out here in Hollywood and I've become a gluten free douche. I'm not really because I got these brioche buns that I bought for the hot dogs at the Rose Bowl. And it was the only thing I fucked up. I forgot to not only bring hot dogs, I forgot to buy them. So I have all of these brioche buns. It's like, I'm not going to throw them out.

So I went out and bought some hot dogs. So I'm kind of full of sodium and gluten at this point. Um, anyways, so I'm going to make shepherd's pie with, um, mashed potatoes and I'm not putting this. Well, it's one recipe I saw. They had corn in it. I was like, I don't want to fuck it. Why would you do that?

It's all about the piece. You got the lamb in there, right? You got a little bit of onion, minced that up, a couple of other fucking salt and pepper, whatever else you put in there, and then, then you get the piece. Fucking corn. It's an imposter. It doesn't have the guts of a pea. That's why it's yellow.

It's a little yellow fucking cowardly fucking vegetable. It's not a fruit. Is it? I don't know. So that's what I'm going to do. I'll make your shepherd's pie with fucking mashed potatoes, cauliflower mashed potatoes. I actually really like cauliflower mashed potatoes. I don't like cauliflower, but if you're going to throw a bunch of butter on it, I mean,

how's it not going to taste good? You know, the only thing I really don't like is that fucking, uh, what is that shit they were putting in everything for a while? What the fuck? It was being with a teed in it. Truffle oil. I remember one time we went out and there was mashed potatoes and they had truffle oil in it.

I had a macaroni and cheese and they put truffle oil in it. Why would you do that? You don't need to. It's pasta with cheese. Fuck off. You know, truffle oil for a while was like the fucking Hare Krishna of ingredients. You know, you know, tell him we don't want any fuck out of here, leave me alone. And the waiter or the waitress or is there, is there, I can't believe no one's been offended

by that yet. Waiter and waitress. And we're all waiters. Is there a fucking gender, gender neutral fucking term we can come up with that? A wait attendant? Well, that's going to get someone a body image. The fucking person who gives you your food, who would rather be doing a different job for better money?

There. Is that a good description? Was that genderless? Told me that there was only a little bit of truff. There's just a hint of it. There's just a hint. There's just a dash. And I was like, all right, and I ordered it and it just, it sucked truffle oil over powers

every fucking thing. It's like a comic that's on offstage, like a fucking lampshade over its goddamn head. I hate truffle oil. I don't even know what it is. Should I look that up and fucking, isn't it from like a mushroom or something? Truffle oil. This is why the internet makes people less funny because back in the day you just had no idea and you just guessed and then there was always somebody in the room with a big

enough fucking ego to just definitively give you an answer, even though they didn't know. Truffle oil is a modern culinary ingredient used to impart the flavor and aroma of truffles to a dish. All right. Now we're looking up truffles. A truffle is a fruiting body of subterranean. It's cum set fungus. How the fuck is that?

All right. Now I'm looking up a scum set. A scum set is a division or a phylum of the kingdom of Fungi. All right. What's a phylum? In biology, a phylum is a level of classification or a taxonomic rank. In biological classification, a taxonomical rank. See what I'm saying?

This is why I don't look up shit. I'm too dumb to understand the fucking definition. It just keeps going. It's like a humble. By the time you get down it, you don't even know what the fuck you were asking the question. So can you ever go like, I can't say that. You know what I mean? Some of these streaming sites, right?

And you're fucking, I'm going to watch that. I'll watch that. I'll watch that. What was that other thing I was going to watch? In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, the empty batteries. Now we're going to the finish. Bring them to a Bebath collection point.

You'll always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be. Bebath. Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. All right. Anyways, why don't I read a little bit of advertising, shall I? Shall I read a little bit of advertising? Oh, look who's back.

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We're done with the reads for the week. If you might notice, you might have noticed that I am in a little more of a perky or mood. I am in a great mood because guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? I finally made a breakthrough in my rehab of this fucking lingering rotator cuff injury.

You know what's funny? I don't even know if it's cuff or cuff. I think it's cuff. I always forget. I think I said cup for most of my life. Let's go back to Wikipedia. Rotator, rotator, oh, it's cuff. It's not cup.

In anatomy, the rotator cuff is a group of muscles in their tendons that act to stabilize the shoulder. Yeah, that's the problem because when they fucking don't, your shoulder kind of comes out of the socket. Maybe? I don't know. The four muscles of the rotator cuff are over half of the seven scapular perennial muscles. Scapular perennial muscles are a group of seven muscles that connect to the humerus,

the humerus to the scapula. They are amongst the muscles that act on the glial or rheumatoid. What the fuck is that? The shoulder joint. Oh, that's a shoulder joint. The gleno-humberal joint gives a fuck. Anyways, my shoulder's been bugging me. I didn't understand how to rehab.

When I felt pain, I stopped. I didn't understand that you had to kind of go into it a little bit like you're skimming the frosting off. If you're making steel cut oats, that awful gluey shit on top, you just skim that off. You kind of got to do that with the pain. This person told me this great exercise where I laid down on my back and then put my arm like, if I was standing up, I would be pointing straight ahead, but when you lay down your back, you're now pointing at the ceiling.

I'm not saying put your arm up over your fucking head. Just point straight up and just start making little circles. A bunch clockwise, a bunch counterclockwise, and then you just gradually increase slowly as shit the circumference of them. When you start to feel the top layer of pain, that's where you stop. But when I was going, how I've been doing it, when I go around into the circle is I kind of stay at an acceptable level of confronting the pain, and I swear to God, I've been doing that for like the last, just like since Thursday, and I've gotten like 30% increase, I would

say, in my range of motion, and I feel like I can get this thing. I'm not saying re-strengthen it, but I think I can get it all back by the end of the fucking month. I can't say that because I don't want to fucking rush it because then I'll mess it up again. I'm very excited about that. It's put me in a better mood. You know what they say? Hey, at least she got your health because it puts you in a bad goddamn mood.

All right. So somebody was asking me, Dean Delray's diet. Hi, Bill. Can you please talk about Dean Delray's diet details on his next podcast? I'd like to lose a little weight myself. So I have to go into Dean Delray's podcast, let there be talk from the all things comedy network network network. Dean can explain it.

I don't remember all of it. I just kind of like I eat like for breakfast, I have two eggs over a G and then I have one serving of steel cut oats to take for fucking ever to cook. That's another way to lose weight, waiting for your food to be ready. And then for like a snack, I'll have a zekiel bread, which tastes like shit, unless you put butter in this and I have almond peanut butter, it's almond butter is what it is. And I have that and that's actually fucking delicious and it's filling. And then for lunch, I have quinoa with black beans and then I throw salsa on top to give

it some sort of fucking flavor because other than that, you know, I've never eaten a shoe with, you know, with a newspaper on top because that's what it tastes like. I try to avoid throwing salt and learning that shit in there. And then in the afternoon, I don't know what the fuck do I have, there's always that one meal before you have the real meal, right around four o'clock, I have like a fucking, I don't know what, sometimes I'll have whatever the fuck I want and other times is like this pasta that's made out of chickpeas. It tastes a little weird, but it's not that bad, you know.

And then for dinner, I just have a protein with like a salad and I'm done and I just drink waters and I stay away from the booze and all of that bullshit. And it's just weird thing when you eat like that where I think what you say, oh my God, this food's so boring and blah, blah, blah, blah, it's because you're used to the sugar or salt. It gets your system going like sugar is like, yeah, or salt does whatever the fuck salt does. Like, it's like you get your fix.

So when you eat that, when you eat stuff that doesn't have any of that in it, you're just not hungry afterwards and it's weird. And then, but you feel energized, but it's a, it's a different kind of you got to adjust your brain to the fueling your body rush as opposed to the, the roller coaster of sugar and salt. So that's as much as I know about the diet. I've been doing that. And then, you know, I eat like that most of the time, probably 80% of the time I eat that

way. And then occasionally, if I just want to have a fucking pizza, I eat it. But Dean doesn't, Dean just fucking stays with it. And that fucking guy, he every once in a while, he sends me a picture of him when I first met him. It doesn't, he doesn't look like the same person because not only did he lose all this weight, like he, like his skin fucking cleared up, you know, he used to look like a fucking cop with 20 years in is what he used to look like, you know, now he looks like a fucking

rock star. So I would listen to him, his podcast, let there be talk, I'm sure he's, he said a dietitian or something. He gets great guests over there. All right, Bill, you're not an addict. Hey, old ginger balls. I'm a big fan of the podcast and looking forward to your next special and the new season of efforts for family.

Keep up the great work. Thank you. I've been listening to the podcast for the last couple of weeks and I've heard you going back and forth about abstaining from booze and most recently about a, a, yeah, I'm sorry that fuck. I said a lot of bad things about a, if it fucking works for you, it works for you. It's just, it's just fun to make fun of that shit. You know, it's funny.

I saw the other day in a strip mall, it was, you know, all these different stores and one of the, one of the stores there, it said alcoholics anonymous. You know what I mean? That's, uh, it's kind of putting it out there, isn't it? You know, it's bad enough. These poor people had to sneak into porno stores and that type of shit back when they were drinking. Now you're not going to do that to them.

Just shouldn't it say build W's, well, I guess if you have that signed up a bunch of cunts like me, might be walking in like, what are you guys selling? You guys will be like, hope smoke filled room with donuts. Um, I've been working in addiction and back to the letter here. I have been working in addiction in the addiction field for over a decade, teach an addiction course at a college and work at one of the most highly respected addiction programs up here in Canada. Oh dude, you know, you had it all.

You had me until you said Canada, Canada doesn't count. Dude, you, you live in Canada for me to be considered an alcoholic in Canada. I have to drink like fucking two cases of mulsit. You guys are animals up there. Half you guys don't know you're alcoholic. She just think you're keeping warm. All right. Well, let me, let me not judge this guy.

Now that I've mentioned my credentials while at the same time sounding like a pompous cunt. All right. I love this guy. I can tell you that you are not an addict. It's like you are not the father. You are not an addict. Everything you have mentioned on the podcast that I am a long time listener. Um, oh, so when you say we listened the last couple of weeks, I guess you dip in and dip

up. Right. All right. The word addiction is thrown around a lot. So is the word hero is thrown around a lot and typically refers to any behavior that is out of our control, uh, to put it as simply as possible. People will often say things like they're addicted to things like TV, shopping, sex, et cetera.

People will also use the word to explain withdrawal system symptoms of a substance or behavior, ie I must be addicted to coffee because I get headaches in the morning if I don't get a cup. However, experiencing enjoyment or withdrawal symptoms does not mean that someone has an addiction. Can we just kind of stop here and say this is one of the best written fucking letters in a while. I apologize that my level of intellect is reading it, but I think you guys can hear that this

person seems to know what he's talking about or she or, or it or her who used to be him. Did I cover everything? However, in the addition, in the addiction field, there is a way to tell if someone has an addiction. We call them the four C's of addiction, cash, cunts, cauliflower, and I don't know, I brand up in the charges, LA charges. Okay. If you have persistent, if you have persistent cravings for drugs, alcohol slash alcohol,

if you have lost control over how much and how frequently you use, if you continue to use despite consequences, i.e., legal issues, job loss, children taken away, and if you feel a compulsion to use, i.e., always feeling like you need a drug or alcohol, there's a bunch of weed smokers going, alcohol is a drug, then you can begin to think you have an addiction. Knowing what I know about from you on the podcast, I'm not going to pretend to know you personally. I have never heard you mention any significant consequences around booze other than your

DUI when you were young, and you have control of booze since you can have a full bar in the house and not drink it and abstain for long periods at a time from booze. The bar in the home also means you don't have a compulsion to drink. People that struggle with significant alcoholism cannot have booze just sitting around their place drinking it. That's fucking funny to me. I don't know why. They're sitting there, sitting at the corner of the ride, and they're like sweating.

It's fucking looking at me, man. You like that black dude and predator shaving your head? I see you over there on that bar. I don't believe you have an addiction, and you don't need to go to AA. For me, he wrote it all in capitals, you're just some cunt that likes to booze whose job and lifestyle allows for it. Dude, you're going to talk me into drinking tonight. If you ever feel like you do need some serious help, go see a professional instead of some

sorry sap bleeding his heart out in a church basement in front of a group of strangers. Having said that, I know AA does work for some people, and if you're into that, knock yourself out. You're just like me. You had to shit on it a little bit. Hope this helps and can silence the Bill W listeners of the Monday morning podcast. Best of luck in the new year and all the best to Nia and your lovely daughter, and go fuck yourself.

Wow. I might have to fucking download that, whatever, print it out and frame it at framers.net. Whatever the fuck those people are. Frame bridge. I got to use those guys for that. Wow. That was awesome. That made me feel better about myself.

Am I going to drink now? No. I got to go do a set tonight. All right. Chef, not making enough money. I was really informative, by the way. I definitely went through periods where I was craving it and didn't want to drink, and I was just like, this is what I do, and then I would just go over and I just, but I felt

more like a diet thing, like late at night, just fucking eat well, don't go out and go make a fucking grilled cheese sandwich with your friend, and then you just go out and do it. But once that first fucking night, when you don't do it, then I can stop. So yeah. I don't think I am. Bill, stop giving me examples. The guy left you off the hook.

All right. Chef, not making enough money. All right. Dear Billy Betty Crocker. I like that one. Way to go champ on your pie making skills. I'm the chef of a new restaurant. This year, the restaurant has made 100 grand more than the year before.

The restaurant is doing great, but I'm making sad money. I have a wife and a daughter. My wife has always supported my cooking, but I don't make the money I should recently. My wife told me I could work with her brother as an electrician for the water district. I could be making three times more than what I could as a chef. I love cooking. It's the one thing that makes me happy. Do I hang tight with the cooking and do what I love or skip out and go with the easy money?

I have investors ready to support my cooking, but I need money now. Love to hear what your thoughts are, your thoughts, oh Jesus, dude, this is a huge fucking decision. How much do you love cooking? Is this your dream? Is this what you want to do? I can only equate it to stand up comedy. There is not a job out there that would have paid three times more than what I could make as a comedian than I would have ever even for a second considered ever, ever, not even

for a fucking second. If you feel that way about cooking, then I would stay with the chef job. However, if you don't feel that way, then I would talk to somebody else. This is a major decision, dude. I'm not making this decision for you, but I can tell you, you know, one of the great things about my dream of being a comedian was I really had no other options, because I kind of sucked at everything else, and I was miserable doing anything else. So that was the only thing I ever did, the second I did it, I was just like, oh, I'm

doing this for fucking ever. I said, I don't give a shit. But I also didn't have a wife and a daughter at the time. There's a lot of variables here. You have investors ready to support your cooking, but I need money right now. I would say this, this is your decision, buddy. If you decide to keep cooking, you got to get your wife on the right page. You guys got to get on the same page, you know?

If you really believe in yourself and then you can run a restaurant, you could be one of those guys, right? Walking around with the orange clogs, fucking riding a Vespa and all that shit, you know? Like Mario Patali. That was another guy, fucking grabbed a couple of people's asses now, I never get to see him again. You know what I mean? Can he just fucking, from his self-imposed exile, he can't just make a fucking, use

the well method and show me how to make something? You know, you just put him on a leash, right? You put him on a fucking leash and he can't go anywhere away from the island in his kitchen. Anyways, all right. That's what I would do. Okay, sir? I would ask, how much do you want to be a fucking chef, all right? If you want to be a chef, you got to get your wife on the same page.

Other than that, you know, if it's not your fucking dream, then you could just fucking become an electrician who has the best fucking cookouts ever. All right. My girlfriend hooks up with Stranger at party, we both attended. Okay. Hey, Billy, on the back nine of life. That's true. My girlfriend and I broke up about four months ago, after an 11 year relationship.

Wow. Sorry to hear that. We share a lot of the same friends and I knew we would see each other at a friend's New Year's party. Two days before the party, my ex hit me up and asked to get a drink and clear the air before seeing each other for the first time since the breakup. We had an awesome time and we ended up going out again the next night and at an even better time.

She then asked if I wanted to share a cab to and from the New Year's party. I agreed. Well, at the party, she met a guy and they were all over each other the entire night. Oh, God. She ended up ditching me and going home with him at the end of the night. I have hooked up with a few people since the breakup, but never in front of my ex. And after the previous two nights, I was totally devastated by what she did. I would love any advice or insight.

Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well that, it really seemed like, unless she was completely shitfaced, that really seemed a little calculated and that right there, sir. Her story right there is why I avoided staying in contact with ex-girlfriends. Not saying they were all bad, but I had a girlfriend like that, an ex. And they have like this sixth sense is right as you're starting to get passed and over them. They just feel it.

They call you up and they just fuck your life, your head up all over again. Here's one for you, dude. What kind of a person would do that? Huh? The kind of person that you don't want to put your seed in. Just know that that could have been the mother of your fucking children. You dodged a bullet. Congratulations, sir.

Congratulations. Okay. And I'm willing to bet that unless she completely fucks up her life, you will not hear from her again, or you will hear from her because she is a sadistic person and wants to hear your reaction. She wants to hear the pain and get off on it while she goes like, well, I didn't think there'd be a problem because we were broken up. So I don't know why you're putting this on me.

Okay. I thought we both had, we had a nice time. We were adults and the whole time she's just getting off on the fact that you still give a fuck. So dude, you dodged a major fucking bullet. I mean, I, I would never do that to somebody. I would never, I wouldn't do that if, uh, you know, I wouldn't do that now. I've been with Nia forever.

If I saw an ex-girl, I would never fucking, I would just whisper, Nia, let's get out of here. You know, let's go someplace a little more quieter. I would never do that to somebody. That's just a fucking asshole, male or female to do that to somebody is a really fucking asshole thing. I'm sorry that happened to you, but you know what, you know what's great dude? She's out of your life.

She's out of your life. And you know what, you know what those people are, they're like those, what about Bob people? You know, remember the beginning of what about Bob? The therapist gets Bill Murray's character away from him and dumps him in fucking dry for his lap. That's what she's, she's the fucking female version. Those, what about Bob people? If you can ever dump them off on other people, it's fucking tremendous.

And she did it to herself. This is what you do. Anytime you ever see her after that, just big smile on your face, big smile on your face. Hey, how are you doing? Are you mad? No, no, we broken up. Good for you. You know, at the time of your life, all right.

Nice seeing you. Leave. All right. And now's a great time, dude, to fucking expand your horizon, find new friends, indulge in a fucking hobby, travel, get yourself in great shape, go to the gym. It's time to fucking work on you and that person is in the rear view fucking mirror. You know what? All she did was give you a great fucking story to tell the love of your life because

that, that chick ain't it. All right. Enjoy your 2018. You're a free man. All right. This girl is killing me, man. All right. Dear Billy Bighead.

Oh, shit. You guys are real accurate this week. Back nine, big head. I mean, what? I'm fucking on the ropes here. Somebody throw in the towel. I am a sophomore in high school, but I've been listening to your podcast for a year now.

I need some advice. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is fucking scary. I hope you need some fucking regular advice. All right. I need some advice on how to handle this girl. Hey, Nia, are you out there? Nia, you want to, you want to give this kid some advice?

Oh, that's right. You're sick. Okay. Sorry. Hang on. Let me hit plus here. Hang on. All right.

I'm back. I'm back. I'm sick. She's still sick. I'm sleeping upstairs again tonight. Um, all right, uh, sophomore in high school and I need some advice on how to handle this girl. I dated her for about nine months last year, a lot of heartache this, this week and learned

a lot. The problem is that this girl is really immature and I cannot have a conversation with her without her arguing, sorry, I picked this up without her arguing with me or something over something non-important. Oh, dude, you're a son who gives a shit fucking move on to the next one. For example, towards the end of my relationship with her, she gave me the silent treatment for multiple days because I told her I didn't like Australia. She constantly insulted me, called me dumb and told me I was a terrible brother.

Are you dating your sister or she just observed your family? What state did this come from? And did crazy things like this throughout our relationship? She's one of those girls who thinks that she, she's always, she, that she always gets to be right and I am not, and I am not about that life. He says, uh, when she broke up with me, it was this whole scene. Well, dude, it sounds like you dodged a bullet here. What dating is all about is meeting what you don't want and then you figure that out and

then you finally fucking meet the right person. You totally, you're fucking young as shit. What's the problem here? I got very close with her family and well, so you're a good guy. And when we broke up, her seven year old sister sobbed, Jesus Christ. Her mom even went to the extent to call me on the phone to tell me I was a great boyfriend and wished me, wished that me and her could possibly work things out in the future. Her family adores me to this day due to the fact that I really played up the whole nice

guy thing. Oh, are you really an asshole? This is where things get even worse. She constantly leads, leads me on and I fall for it. Yeah, that's what being young is all about. And at a town fair, we have, we have, she hung out with me all weekend. We were very flirty and she heavily led me on, but when I asked her out, she said she wasn't ready.

All right, dude, this once again, if you listen to the last one, this is why you do not stay in contact with ex-girlfriends. Okay. She just doesn't, she doesn't want you to meet someone else until she's met somebody. Or I don't, I don't, I don't know what the fuck they think. I just know, I just know you just, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta walk, you gotta walk. All right. The same thing happened a few months later.

I have left her alone for the past few months, only talking to her once every three weeks and every time she ends up being mad at me for some dumb reason. An hour ago, she was mad at me for not roasting her and called me pathetic, roasting her. I'm trying to figure out where the fuck you live. You got a little fair, a town fair, and then you guys also have roasts. I don't know who this is. All right. She apologized all the time for her action, but continues to do the same thing.

Should I not even talk to her or should I forgive her because she's just immature and can't handle her feelings? Any advice would be appreciated, especially you get the lovely Nia to answer as well. I hope the family's doing great and go drink a beer, it's hilarious. Yeah, I would just have a conversation. I would just say, listen, I don't enjoy talking to you because you always get mad and you yell at me. We are broken up and I don't think it's healthy for us to continue talking to one another.

However, when I see you, I don't want it to be weird. So is there a way that you in a nice way could just fuck off and let me get on with my life? But if I see you, we could just walk by, we could raise eyebrows and acknowledge that we saw each other. Maybe we could high five and not saying anything, and then if she flips out, it gives a fuck. It gives a fuck. It doesn't sound like... Here's a question for you.

Since you broke up, has it ever ended well, any interaction you've had with her? If the answer is no, then you've got to stop interacting with her, but it seems like it's such a small town. I'm judging you because you went to a fair. So in my world, you brought your prize pig down there and I don't want to fuck happen after that. I would say, yeah, I would just... I imagined plenty of other women, what's the proper word at that age?

Chicks? You can fucking go to school with? There's really no middle world, girls. You're not girl at that point. You're a fucking teenager. I'm not going on Wikipedia again. I don't know what the fucking word is. There's plenty of other fucking chicks you could be hanging out with.

That's it. And here's the thing. Here's a tip for you. When you fucking hang out with them, don't talk about your old relationship or about some other fucking woman. They don't... They... Well, yeah.

They don't want to hear it. Just go have a beer with one of your buddies out in the woods. How the fuck you do it? Just be like, yeah. No, I don't encourage underage drinking, whatever the fuck you guys do. That's when you vent. What you have to do is every time it starts to scab over, she calls up or you call her and then you've got an open wound again.

What you've got to do is you've got to heal like a fucking X-man and then the next time you see her. I guarantee if you don't give a fuck, she's going to fucking be all over you and want to hook up and this is what you have to do. You've got to not do it. And then watch how quickly all that flirty turns into fucking anger and then she's going to yell at you and then just keep you cool and be like, this is why I don't hang out with you.

Cause you're fucking crazy. Something like that. And I would also ask some more adults who actually, you actually know the people involved in this story, including yourself. Okay. Good luck to you. All right. Sister is obese.

All right. Sister is obese. Dear freckles, hoping you can offer some advice. My sister is and has always been on the heavy side. That sucks. But shit has gotten out of hand. If I had to guess her body fat is easily 40 to 50%. I love her and I'm struggling to get through to her.

You seem like you never hold back or sugarcoat reality. Should I do the same in this situation? I don't want to send the poor girl into a whirlwind of emotions and maybe that's what, but maybe that's what she needs. Thanks for the help. Oh, that's a big one, dude. I don't know how old she is. I don't know.

I don't know her. Yeah. How do you get somebody? How do you tell somebody? How do you tell your sister that she's fat? Let me just improv a couple of scenarios here. Hey, sis. How are you doing?

Did I mention you're overweight? That's too blunt. What is for limbs and needs to lose 80 pounds? It's not good to joke about. I don't know how you do it because I don't know how fragile she is and I wouldn't want her to go more in that direction because nobody wants to. Is there a way that you can just start cooking a little more healthy around the house and introduce her to some stuff or maybe get her to start working out with you and maybe just

go for a walk or something like that? Maybe you just sit down and you have a great talk with her and find out what's going on with her and you don't bring up her weight. Maybe you work on your relationship with her and then she opens up and maybe there's some sort of pain that's causing her to eat like that. That's a psychological thing sometimes from what I've heard on shows that I've seen where people actually know what they're talking about. Maybe you need to get, I don't know what your relationship is, but maybe if she feels comfortable

opening up to you, just ask her what's going on with her, how's she doing, how's she feeling, blah, blah, blah, blah, and if there's something going on with her, maybe she lets that out and then maybe she brings it up and I hate how I look and you can be like, well, let's do something about it. I would try that way, but I don't think I would bring up that she's fat. I wouldn't do that as much as I made those jokes, but this podcast is supposed to be funny and it's supposed to be fucking ridiculous, so I had to do a couple. All right?

What do you want from me? I'm bald with a big head and I'm on the other side of the fucking golf course. It's where I'm at. All right, that's the podcast. People, if you enjoy this podcast and you'd like to donate, but not without spending a fucking dime, just go to my website, billbird.com, click on the podcast page and just click on the Amazon link. Go on Amazon and buy something you don't really fucking need.

It's not going to cost you any money and I'll get a little bit of credit for driving traffic their way and they'll be like, ah, Bill, here's a couple of bucks. That's it. All right, everybody, I'm going to go drink my face off because I'm not an alcoholic. I'm going to go do a set. I'm going to go do a set because I'm going to be at Cobb's Comedy Club next Saturday night after I do Kevin Pollock's show. He's got to be interviewing me or whatever, so it's going to be fun.

I love that guy, so I do anything for him, including going up to San Francisco to hang out with him, doing a show. All right, that's it, everybody, belching here. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves and have a wonderful couple of days. In the mountains, in the kitchen, even in the living room, they're really all over the empty bathroom. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a B-Bat collection point.

You'll always find one in your neighborhood on B-Bat.be. B-Bat. Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM.