Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-8-24

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

Bill rambles about bob sledding, public restrooms, and gout. New Dates Added:  www.billburr.com/TOUR Helix:  Helix is offering 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.  Go to HelixSleep.com/BURR and use code HELIXPARTNER20 Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.  www.stamp.com - BURR

Hey, what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday! January 8th, 2020, FOWA! Oh my God, we're almost halfway through this decade! Where is it all going? How's it going, man? How was your weekend? Was it good? Was it nice? Was it too fucking short?

Should do a hunger games thing on fucking corporate CEOs just throwing it out there. I never saw hunger games But I believe it's human beings hunting down other human beings You know Like how long are they gonna get away with you know? It's you and somebody else in your department and then they fires Somebody don't replace them with anybody and expect you to do your job and then their job and Then with the money they save they give themselves a bonus Well, they put it towards AI. All right, Pills. Let's you's you know it was a nice weekend let's let's not

begin the week this way okay fair enough fair enough i'm sitting here in my office slash garage slash uh... you know man cave thing here and i am what i am watching low resolution nfl football the fucking bills verse the dolphins as far as i know the last game of the year, I do not think there's a Monday night game.

And my fucking satellite dish has been fucked up since, I don't know how long. I don't know, you go, oh, you still got a fucking satellite? Yeah, what do you got? What do you got? I watched the games on my phone. Oh, do you?

I zap it down, and then I fucking shoot it onto my TV. Oh, that's fantastic. You're amazing. Did you invent any of that? Enough already. I tell you what's bugging me is all these different American flags. All these fucking assholes saying that they're patriots and within their country, they're coming up with their own America that has their own American flag. It's just another thing to divide people. There's one American flag. Get on the fucking same page.

You know, stop with the third jersey American flags. I always like you got to sit there and be like, what does that mean? And you're somewhere, you know, somewhere it's, you always feel like it's the clan of Jason or something. I always feel like it's some sort of disgruntled white person that feels their country's being taken away from them, which it is by rich white people. But no, no, they're the same color as me. They wouldn't do that. It's got to be this different colored person who has absolutely no fucking power whatsoever

just like me, but even more so, even less so. Anyway, the hell was I going to talk about before I went down that fucking road? I don't know, I have no idea. I don't know anymore. I spent the whole day with the kids. I'm fucking wiped out. I'm breaking a New Year's resolution. I'm having my second cup of coffee today. Just because I just they they warm me up. They fucking warm me up. We woke up, you know, a son came in, you in, he crawls into bed, he's kicking me, he's hitting me in the head, and all that shit, it's like 10 past seven. So I'm like, all right, we get up and then I go, let's go out to breakfast and then let's go out to breakfast

and then to take him to the playground, which was great. This playground, I'm glad I went back there, I had a good memory, because last time I went to that playground, I got involved with somehow I became it and I was chasing the kids around. In my head, I saw the other parents looking at me and I thought that they were thinking, wow, look at that guy, what a great dad. He's so involved.

What an active dad. And it's such an advanced age too. Wow, he's really inspiring. And then I ran around the corner and it was like some slime and I fucking totally wiped out. And I didn't hit my head, but I landed hard on my forearms and one of my shoulders, I felt it. And I got up and I had the big fucking skid mark on my shin. And then I realized, oh, that's what they were looking at. They weren't looking at it over here because they were inspired. They were looking over here going,

what is that old man doing? He's gonna hurt himself. And they were right. So I hadn't been back there since I was embarrassed, you know? It's like when Weber called that time out that they didn't have in Michigan. Like that was my dad moment. As far as I know, he never went back

for the Fab Five documentary. Well, you know, I decided I was gonna face calling a time out when I didn't have one, which was basically running around when I didn't, I don't mean we're running around days left in my life. Hahaha. Like my running around is, if whatever I'm in is on fire

Somebody comes in start shooting or has a fucking ag if I'm running for the bear Comes in and runs from folk. I guess that run it for my life, you know You know it's funny. I used to think You know When I'm out here in LA, I always think about mountain lions, I think about black bears, but it's really like raccoons.

I feel like raccoons are the ones that are gonna get you because they'll come into your house and fucking start eating your Doritos. Like I've seen it on YouTube. They sit right next to you like fucking, like they're part of the tribe, you know? and then you get familiar and the next thing you know, they come at you because I don't know you bought Pringles that week or something and then you have rabies. And I don't know how that works. How they cure rabies? I remember back in the day it was like fucking 30 shots

to your abdomen or something. That's what kids used to tell me and each needle got a little bigger and it was agonizing and for some reason they had to do it without an anesthetic. Now that I say it out loud, none of that makes sense. But we did believe that back in the day. So those are the ones that I always worry about. Like I'm not worried about bears Cause I've watched enough videos on it. Never done that. All you have to do is be like, all you have to do is go,

hey bear, hey, bear, don't you do? And then you go, you just kind of fucking, you do like a mock charge at them and they fucking walk away. But if you show fear, if you actually deal with, you know, if you actually mentally think this thing has four Freddy Krueger gloves that are part of his body, so they're not falling off, right?

And then he's got fangs and he's just going to try to fucking bite into my back until he breaks my spine mercifully mercifully It's God help those people with backpacks just prolonging it. He just goes for you God damn face Not I'm kidding. Obviously. I know a bear is dangerous I know there's people out there that think people don't know about these things on every wildlife video There always has to be somebody explaining it. I Know this is hard to see, but this is nature. Oh my God, just enough with that. Stop holding my hand. You're also on the internet, which means you're not in the wilderness.

Shut the fuck up. Which I should do more of in 2020, Fuwa. I did my first solo flight, Doma, Ellic up there, on Thursday, and I did something I wanted to do for a long time, where I transitioned over LAX, over Suppolvita Boulevard, at 2,500 feet, it's fucking amazing.

And I did that without a problem, and then I did the Harbor transition, which is along the 110, you stay on the east side of it, if you're going north. And they're both really cool. So there's three ways to do it. One is along the beach, at a below 150 feet,

2,500 at Sepulveda, and then at 900 feet, are below at The Harbor transition and each one of them is cool when you fucking You know going over the ocean at 150 feet and there's fucking surfers and all these people you gotta watch out for kites It's always some kind to think who has a fucking kite You know I get it. I have a satellite dish, I don't have a fucking kite. Well, not that old. Maybe you like some fucking hipster.

We're one even by a kite. At a hobby store, I haven't seen a hobby store in the long fucking time. I remember a hobby store was before ugly people, you know. I remember Hobbie stores were for ugly people. Corvettes and cool cars, those were for older guys that were crushing it, banged a lot of brods when they were single. Maybe was still tagging their secretary every once in a while. They went out and they still had a look at me badass car. But the guys who never got any, you know,

just sort of middle of the road, background people. They always ended up at like, it was called hobby town. And you go in there and there would be like these fucking guys. It was hilarious. They go in there and they would dress like train conductors and they had no license to drive a real train. But for whatever dumb reason, they would buy these toy train sets and they would have like the fucking I'm driving a locomotive hat on they were sort of like sports fans today back then were sports fans now you know it's kind of less I feel but it

really got out of control with people wearing the jerseys there for a minute I think it's starting to come back around now. Like maybe the kids can wear the jerseys, huh? You know, I don't know. But these guys, they were doing it before. Like when I was a kid, like, you know, if you went to a baseball game, somebody had, you know, there was like red socks hats. But it was mainly, everybody just looked like

they just came from work. T-t-t-t. And they showed up. It was definitely, it was like everybody just looked like they just came from work. They showed up. It was definitely was like dress down Fridays. It's what baseball looked like. I missed like 20 years before that. People used to go to the games with like fucking a shirt and tie on, a fedora. Everybody's sitting in the crowd looking like they were working for the FBI. And then it became dress down Fridays. They did that for like 20 years. And then eventually it just became, let's dress like the people on the field.

And then somewhere in there, you know, the culture of dressing like an absolute fucking idiot, just so you can get on TV, became the other thing to do. What the fuck is going on with that? I hate this fucking goddamn thing You know it's like it heats it up and after it heats it up then it flips to the air conditioning I like I don't know what it's doing I turn the heat on because it was cold out here once it gets up to temperature Turn it off. Oh, Nikki Nikki Nikki. What happened? I'm watching Nikki's post game. Oh, Nikki post game. What happened to the fucking Eagles? Can some Eagle fan write in? I don't

have time to watch the game. There's no fucking way. They were looking like it was them and the 49ers, not only in the NFC championship game, but whoever was going to win that game was going to win the whole fucking thing. And then the wheels just came. Who got hurt? There's no way Nick forgot out of coach. And there's no way they all forgot how to fucking play. Something happened.

Something happened. Dude, this was a tough week to bet, huh? Jesus Christ. Half of these teams, he's speaking of dress down Friday, not even showed up. Patrick Mahomes showed up in his street clothes today. Can you imagine if you spent all that money at the beginning of the year?

You know, to take your kid to Sofie Stadium, to watch what's his face versus fucking Patrick my home. So the guy who got hurt. Amazing quarterback with the fuck's his name Josh Hartnett, right? That's his name. Yeah. That's the game you thought you're gonna see Josh is out for the whole season. Well, at least I got to see Patrick my home doesn't even dress.

He's on the sideline cheering people on, like it's all garbage time. Travis Kelsey doesn't dress. It was like a fucking preseason game. So many of the games. I lost my ass this week. I was trying to beat the book on bad MGM. I was one game under. I needed to go three and one,

at least to beat him. And I think I went one and three. I had the Lions. They showed up and played. I had the Browns. They didn't fucking show up. Who else did I have? Everybody I had just didn't give a fuck.

I had the Bears thinking the Packers are already in. They weren't going to show up, but they needed to win. Domast me. So I fucking lost that one. And I had one other one. I don't know. There was all these weird scores. Like Seattle only played the fucking lowly cardinals and only one by one. That means they sat everybody, right? I don't know what happened. I was at a fucking goddamn playground today. So anyway, what was I talking about? I was talking about people with

hobbies. Oh my God, what happened to Mary Lou Retten? That wasn't Mary Lou Retten, was it? Jesus Christ. This is now, oh my God, Aaron Rogers and Bill Belichek, a long, a long hug there. Everybody taking pictures, thinking that's the last time. Is that George Stepanopoulos? Am I nuts? Did that guy used to be in the White House? I mean, how the fuck did he end up here? That's like Michael Strayhead.

Like you watch, he's on Good Morning America. He replaced Regis Filburn. It's incredible. I would say George Stepanopoulos, Michael Strayhand, and when Snoop Dogg did a show with that cook who went to jail, Martha Stewart, those are the ones where I lived long enough to be like, wait a minute. That guy came out, murder was the case that they gave me and now he's making biscuits with this fucking white lady from Connecticut. How to never see a career like that. And George Steppenopoul, he wasn't in the White House.

He interviewed people. That's what he did. Wasn't either one that, before Clinton got elected. I remember when Clinton and Al Gore fucking ran and everybody thought they were these cool young guys, because everybody was looking at, whoever, who was the fucking vice president

under George Herbert Walker? What the hell was his name? That poor bastard. He used to fucking every week. He'd hold a gun backwards. I remember when he was talking to some kid, he spelt potato and he told me, forgot the E and everybody made fun of him.

And I had to sit there in my head going like, I thought he forgot the E too. I thought it was Pote Tau, T-O-E. Dan Quail. And then all of a sudden Bill Clinton and fucking Al Gore come, right? And they got the fucking Dungery shirts on, and they just looked like a couple of lugs that were working on a car and a fucking garage.

And everybody thought Al Gore was cool because they nobody really had to talk to him, and he was just sitting up there going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, all right. And they didn't realize what a lunatic he was. Not a lot of how much he was in his own fucking head until he ran in 2000. With George Stepanopoulos was one of the fucking big press

people asking him questions like, why should you be leader of the free world, whatever the fuck that means, right? He was asking those questions. Now he's doing football. He must have saw too much. He probably got sick of it after a while. Just going, you know what?

I'm going to get into bread and circus. Maybe he saw which way it was fucking going. Jesus Christ. I can't believe, oh my God. I just wish I could fast forward through this year when it comes to the presidential election. I mean Jesus Christ, these guys are so old they should be wearing powdered wigs. They should go up there in the debate, right? They should go and they should have the ruffled fucking shirt. Remember that shirt Jerry Seinfeld wore in that episode when he's dressed like one of

the three musketeers there? Where shirt like that, they should have powdered wigs on with like the white knee socks, the knickers, and then the buckle shoes. And then they come out there. Instead of saying you, they have to say ye, right? Yee will not talk to me like that. Anyway, I mentioned I was breaking my new year's resolution. I'm having my second cup of coffee,

but this is the second time I've done this. I got pretty much on the control, but I was fucking wiped out. And I had to make sure that if I was gonna bring the ignorance, it had to be a high level of ignorance. Oh, I think my satellite dish is working. It's not blurry anymore. It is amazing how Josh Allen,

like how boyish his faces. That dude literally looks like he's like 12 years old, like a manchal. You know, you ever see one of those bearded 12 year olds, they'd have like at the circus back in the day. Step right up, step right up, see the bearded, fucking 12 year old, throw a ball, 60 yards. Well, what would you wanna do that for?

Well, in the future there's gonna be a game called football. Yeah. Anyway, I noticed Nick Crowley had coached the dolphins, he's busting out the glasses. I actually went and I finally got an eye exam. I'm telling you guys how much I need, I've needed glasses for a while now. And you know, and there's this theory that if you get glasses,

it makes your eyes weaker. Now the people who was selling glasses tell told me that that was some bullshit and that's exactly how they said it to they are in the doctor smogs and they say that that's that's some bullshit uh... i was in a strip mall and this is this is the kind of now kidding they didn't

say that they said yeah that's not true so i took the i exam and exam and everything that I was told ended up being bullshit. They told me that I had a stig modder, whatever the fuck it is, this, this, this, that thing in your eye, which means you can't fucking, I know stig modders, is that the upside down cross. There's something on you.

If you up, it's burned into your skin. It means the devil's inside you. See, people think you have to read. You don't, you just have to watch the exorcist part too. I think that's what I saw it. Or you listen to ministry. Boom, boom, cackle. Boom, boom, cackle. A couple of 50 year olds got that joke.

Yeah, they said I didn't have one of those. I could get lacycch. Am I things like, look, you're not gonna fucking, you're not burning off part of my eyes with a fucking laser. All right. What do you want? Information? Just tell me what it is. You don't have to fuck. What do I mean? That sounds like torture. Do you knock me out? No, you're awake.

You're awake. Just looking at this fucking laser. Josh, why don't you throw a fucking block instead of staring at the guy? Jesus fucking Christ. Stay, don't yell at him, he's only 12 years old. And then they said my eyes weren't that bad. And I was like, all right. So I ended up getting, not some readers. I got like, for like, when I sit down because because I'm gonna read, I say this every year. I'm gonna read, and I'm reading this book. I finished Reggie Watts book, and I got this book from, I don't know who the fuck gave it to me.

I'm getting into this one. It's just like, you know what? I don't really, even like my lay in bed, I don't really need, oh my God, is it Bob's letting this time of year again? I don't understand that. Does that Bob's let have breaks? How do you practice? How do you get into that fucking sport?

You just like drain the brake fluid out of your car and just start driving down hills in your neighborhood. If you don't die, then they stick in that fucking sled. No, they have brakes in the end, right? I still, you know, out of all the Olympic events, that's the one. I mean, I always love the Bob sled event, but I don't understand it. It's basically suicidal sledding. It's not really athletic, is it? You know, didn't John Candy coach a Jamaican?

I mean, right there, right there, you know, it's not a sport if John Candy rests his soul. The guys are fucking comedic actor, he coaches your team. If John Candy rests his soul, the guys are fucking comedic actor and he coaches your team. I'm just doing this because I want people to push the sled. Actually, if you had any idea how many squats we have to do each week it is actually highly competitive All right for the nine the drinking game, when Bill says, what the fuck was I talking about?

Yeah, you have to do a shot. I like that. I like when people have drinking games, rather than dealing with their childhood trauma. Okay, we've all done it. It's a great thing to do. Why look back at the past when you can get shit face now, right?

When you can annoy people and cause new trauma to other people today. Me and my wife are playing a game right now. Okay, we have a contest. I'm not allowed to yell and she's not allowed to correct me. And you know what I loved about it? She was like, all right, all right, I'll take that bet. Like, you know, because she's a broad, so she doesn't think she does anything fucking wrong.

So she thinks she's gonna win this thing. So right now, we're having, like, this is like a picture's dual. It is zero to zero for the whole day. My daughter is keeping score. And is it correct me or tell me what to do? I think of some whatever. Just pick something. Just pick some fucking thing that they do.

Anyway, you know it's weird watching commercials with the sound down. I just watched people in pink pants singing about Pepto Bismal to some poor bastard, you know. And he's all excited that he drank it and he feels better, but he's not going to examine what he ate, you know, to get like that. That's like people who like fucking eat roll-aids every day.

It's like, why don't you change your diet, dude. You know, I'll speak into that. I took a chance at a restaurant today. Oh, I took a chance. I threw caution to the wind. Like my wife has been everywhere. She's seen all of this stuff. She just goes out there. I'll try this out. Right? I'm a creature habit. All right. That's that's a nice way of saying a fucking boring cut. So I'm like, you know, I always see this fucking restaurant on the way to my gym. I'm like, I'm gonna give it a fucking chance.

So I went in there and I ordered some food and I ate it. It was more like mom and pop. It wasn't outstanding, but it wasn't bad either, right? So I was like, all right, that's fucking cool. So, I'm getting ready to take my kid to a birthday party, which is amazing. Right as I go to leave. Right as, oh my God. You know, the 1972 undefeated dolphins, I mean, Jesus, have you seen the fucking, I just saw a picture of one of the guys that was on that team.

He looks like they're running back, look like Tom Selik, and he's carrying a striped football. What? 17 games now gets you out of the regular season. 17 and oh back then, fucking you won the soup, you were done for the year. They gotta change that, you know, even like in tennis,

they have like the open era versus back in the day, don't they? I don't know, it's fucking weird. Anyway, so I had this fucking, this food, and I just worked out, it was protein based to whatever, and I fucking eat it, and I thought it was fine. And right as we get the kids loaded in the car, you know,

we're driving up the hill to get to the fucking highway, you know? And, right as we go to get on the highway, I'm like, oh no, and I just, I feel it, it's starting to churn in my belly, right? And my wife goes, do you wanna go back? And I go, no, I can tell this is something that's going to be talking to me for like an hour before it, you know, it just, it's just, it's going to be like, I'm not going to have a choice if you don't want to mean, right? So she goes, I should have listened to her.

So then I drive like another two miles down, and within two miles, at this point, we're too far away from the house. I go, uh-oh, I go, this is gonna be a fucking problem, right? And she's like, why don't you just pull over, go into the 7-Eleven, and I go, I can't. And she goes, why don't you just pull over go into the 7-Eleven and she I go I can't And she goes why not I go you know something somebody asked me one time You know, what's the drawbacks of what you do for a living?

All right being in the public eye this that did the one major fucking drawback everything is a bonus Except when you you're about to shit your brains out and you're in public. That's the only, because you're not anonymous. You can't just go in and blow out some fucking bathroom at a Starbucks and then somebody leaves and just get this fucking bald cunt went in there before me. No, it isn't. It's Bill Burr went in there and fucking annihilated. It smelled so bad that he couldn't even go in the ladies room, right?

So I went, I dropped them off at the party and I fucking turned the car around like I was on Adam 12. Remember that? They were never going in the right direction. I was talking to somebody about that the other day and I just fucking whipped the car around and I got back on the highway, you know, went down the hill, live at the bottom of the hill, down the bottom of the fucking hill, right?

Got into the house and just and just fucking made it and I was just And I was thinking to myself, you know, this is why This is why this is why I don't fucking try new places. I like this new butt like commercial with paid manning and Emmett Smith, or they start, you know, they got to buy everybody around now because they put some transgendered person on the can. What the fuck were they thinking?

You know what I mean? If you're all about profit, like why would you jump into that? I was one of the dumb things you could ever do. You know, I'm not like trash and transgendered people, but like, what are you gonna do next, bud, Lighty? You're gonna try to get rid of kick a gender day?

I mean, you guys fucked up so bad. You got to like fucking throw beers at everybody. They're free now. They're free now. Come on. Come on. You had our sexual people drink our beer again. Come on, man. Um, there was yet another dumb thing people got upset about. Like there's all of this real shit going on. And that's where you get mad at. I'm never drinking yet beer again. There you go. That'll make the country better. You dump fuck. Jonathan Cry. Do you mind a people that are stealing my fucking look? I swear to God. Everybody's a fucking bald white dude now with the beard.

What's going on? That was my fucking thing. That's the end of my acting career. Now, John, I think I was getting all the work, John, I think, Crier wasn't getting. Now he fucking shaves his head. Now I'm done. Now I can't be on fucking, uh, hey, sweetheart, knock it off up there. Whatever the name of that fucking show was. Two guys in a fucking, uh per-cocious kid. Tell you how it was that show called. It went on forever. It was Charlie Sheen, Jonathan Cryer, and then the kid from Iowa.

The fucking, one of the first actors I saw started his own production company and started creating shows. The nice guy from that 70s show, not's fucking hilarious. I mean, it's like a dead ringer. It's got the fucking curly hair and everything. First time I saw him, I was like, I thought that guy, I thought he got convicted.

I guess he didn't. He must have a gig coming up. He's here at the gym trying to work out. What am I talking about? I don't know. I don't know. Who cares? Like, you know, I love how the fucking, you know, the players actually won this 17th game of the year. They really did because they're all getting paid for it and it doesn't seem like many of them are playing in it. But I guess they would have done that during the 16th week. I don't know. What kind of message does

this end to the the youth of America? Everybody takes the last fucking work day of the week off? Is that how it works? All right. Why don't I do the reads? Why don't I shut my fat fucking mouth and do the reads. Oh, here we go. All right, here's the live reads for one eight. All right, it's Helix, everybody. Helix, it's Helix sleep. Elite collection, a mattress design for big and tall sleepers and even a mattress made just for kids. So how will you know which Helix mattress

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Sign up with the promo code, Burr, B-U-R-R, for a special offer. That includes a four week trial plus free postage and free digital scale no long-term commitments or contracts just go to stamps.com click the microphone stop the homepage and enter the code. All right I think that I think that that's it with that right what else that I want to talk was there anything that I wanted to talk about that I didn't get to before I get to my listeners? Oh man, I did some stand-up comedy. I went down to Lago on Sarah Silverman show.

Todd Glass was down there, just a bunch of fucking hilarious people. And I got to mop up at the end. And I'm telling you, this new 15 minutes that I am grinding down, honing and all of that. It's some of my most fun I've been having in a long time. And I'm actually as much as I'm enjoying being home. I can't believe this. I'm 55 and I'm fucking psyched to go on the road.

All right, I'm not going to lie to you. road. All right, I'm not gonna lie to you. When January first happened, I was like, start to get depressed. Like, oh God, another year on the fucking road. Here we go, you know, and then all took was one or two good sets and I'm like, hey, hey, I have something new to say. I'd like to share it.

And then I'm going to a bunch of fun places. I'm going to Portland, Oregon. I don't know when. I know I'm going there and I had the best steak of my fucking life. The last time I was there. And now it's cold in here again. So now we go over and I turn it back on again. Jesus fucking Christ. What what what what kind of world do we live in? I said it at 70 and then it gets up to 70. You can't go above 70, right? You fucking balls will evaporate. That's a thing too evaporating balls, but you know,

they don't really talk about it in the mainstream media because it affects men. But I can tell you right now if women's balls, wherever they are, all the way up inside of them, I never took an anatomy class. I know they have some things that we have to just inside. I don't fucking know. I know they have two buttholes, one's bigger than the other. Is that right? Sorry, it's one grossest things.

I've ever said. Where am I? Where am I? What am I? Yeah, if it affected women, God knows, there'd be a color everybody had to wear for a few weeks. Like you know what's never gonna catch on is growing a mustache in November. People just like doing it

because they have a Halloween party coming up, right? And then they just keep it for fucking November and then it makes it look like you give a fuck. How is that not Nate? Nick Kroll, not Nate Kroll, coach in the fucking dolphins. All right, let me get to the reads. Okay, so if you knew the podcast, you fucking write it to me. And for whatever reason you asked me questions. Oh, new shows added. Would you look at this Phoenix, Arizona, April 27th at the Arizona Financial Theater, San Jose, California, June 24th,

first at the San Jose Civic. I'm gonna say center. Both shows pre-sale start Wednesday January 10th at 10 a.m. local time with CodeBurb you are St. Louis Missouri March 22nd at the Fox theater. Pre-sale starts January 11th at 10 a.m. local time with the CodeBur all shows on sale to the public January 12th 10 a.m. local time. All right let me take a sip here at the coffee the fucking funny juice. Oh by the way there's a master class coming up with this guy's teachers

you how to do the barista shit. I'm gonna try it because I watched this thing, I got great advice on how to steam the coffee. Like I was steaming it and then adding the air and then steaming it up until I couldn't touch the cup which means it's pretty much up to temperature. This guy's like no you put the bubbles in first I was not doing that. That might be common knowledge to you, but I was not doing that. And I had the best looking like, I just did it like the best looking like steamed milk. It had that consistency. I just don't know how to do the art yet, but I'm right there with the consistency. I'm very fucking excited. And that's just one of those douchey dad adult things.

Like if you just could fucking make somebody a cappuccino and do the little fucking, you know, free mason sign, whatever the fuck they do down at those coffee shops would be really cool. And I am also slowly turning into one of those Geico dads. I met someone at a coffee shop, we were writing some shit. And I went back up to get a water, right? And this woman brought a cake out from the back,

and there was this, I thought it was a younger woman, but wasn't, she was about my age a little bit younger, and she saw the cake and she went, ooh, to a friend. And without even thinking, I'm like, oh, don't do that, yeah, that, you're gonna have to take a nap. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And she just looked at'm like, oh, don't do that. Yeah, that you're going to have to take a nap. And she just looked at me like, why are you talking to me? And I wanted to be like, because I'm 55 and I'm happy.

I'm happy with what I have. I've let go of what I thought I wanted. And I'm just fucking have it a great time. And I'm in a jolly mood. I'm sorry. And I understand you have most of your life still ahead of you, so you're fucking, you're in a different mindset and I'm sorry. I did everything, but I might one of my favorite

Geico dad moments is when the person's back and in that you don't even know and you start trying to help him into the spot. You got it, you got it, it's coming. It's like, who the fuck is this guy? I am becoming that. You know what it is? It's because the older you get,

the less threatening you are when you talk to people. So right now, I'm an old guy, but I'm still, I'm just coming off as a weirdo. All right, where women used to be scared, if you like, just sort of approached them and you had my fucking, I've been hurt as a child, walled off, emotionally shut down energy, they'd be like, this guy's serial killer. Now I'm sort of jolly, but still, you know, little fucked up, you know, I'm like a recovered

co-head. Now you know, you ever talked to a recovered co-head slash alcoholic, just the way they talk in their emotions, they're like a blown speaker, you know, you can still hear the music, but this, you just know a lot of bad shit happened. Well, I feel like in the next 10 years, I'll just become adorable. That's what I'm counting on. So I just have to work.

This is like my second like adolescence awkward years where you're adolescence, you were slowly become, what the fuck is he doing? He just fucking slinging it. What's he bitching at the ref now? Um, Gout. Uh, okay, here we go. This is from the listeners Gout. Hi, angry Billy Ginger Balls.

Um, can you at least call me less angry so I feel like I'm progressing? Uh, I've relatively speaking only recently found you on YouTube. I relatively speaking, don't you just say relatively speaking, recently I found out about you on YouTube relatively speaking, parentheses two years ago. I've relatively speaking only recently. I've relatively speaking only recently. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking got vertigo. About two years ago and found your podcast about five months ago. But that's brilliant. I'm a Brit trucker. Oh, there you go. This is my people. All right, summer school on the other side of the pond. I bet you're a funny bastard. I'm a Brit Trucker, but actually now live and work in New Zealand. Lucky you, man. That seems like a

peaceful place. Trucking down here. I only listened to podcasts and audio books and music. I've downloaded. Your show is literally the best podcast in the planet. Plus a bonus for me. You know what? I bet he's got big fat trucker thumbs. That's why he's writing this weird. Plus a bonus for me.

I have thousands to catch up on. Well, that's what a fucking nice guy. On the side of the world, opposite hemisphere takes the chance, takes the time out to say, thank you. Or whatever you say. He's saying he likes my podcast. I appreciate it. I'm not a doctor, but you briefly mentioned you get random shooting pains in your big toe a week ago. I do too, and it's gout. Now I'm not a doctor but get it checked out. Checked me. No, no, no, no. I said it went numb. It's my sciatic nerve. I don't have gout. I didn't party to that level. And I also know I know people with gout and it is so fucking painful.

They can't even have a bed sheet on their foot. Yeah, I have a good friend of mine that has gout. It is not something you want to be around. Yeah, it's like passing a kidney stone that never passes, it seems. Anyway, yeah, no, I don't know. Believe it or not, I've actually been pretty healthy my whole life. Just out of vanity, you know. And also, I knew I was a weirdo.

I didn't just walk in around looking like a freak. I didn't need to be a fat fuck, a fat freak. I mean, who wants to be that, right? All right, kids throwing rocks at cars. Mm. Is that back? Hey, Billy Love Handles. You know, I can't wait for you guys

to see me on tour with my revenge body. I was listening to last week's podcast, and somebody asked for a legal way to stop people from speeding down this street. I have a similar issue but with kids throwing rocks at cars. Is it weird that that may be nostalgic? Wow. I thought once they had video games. That's one of the best things about video games and people jerking off on the internet.

They don't have the time to go outside and just throw shit at your car when you go by. It's been reported in my neighborhood lately that there is a group of kids who purposely wait for cars to drive past their house and with no regard for anybody, we'll pelth the car with rocks, cans, bottles, et cetera, but mostly rocks. I don't mean to laugh, but we used to do that.

And now tell you right now, most people would slow down like what the fuck, but when you got that lunatic that pulled over, we had a guy that chased us in the fucking snow. It was like a horror movie. He just kept coming. And we ended up breaking off. He ended up catching one of my friends. But we had to fucking split up. This guy just was not stopping. We were sledding. We just threw a snowball at his car. And he just, he was

fucking livid. And he ran up that fucking hill and we were running it away laughing and he'd just kept coming and the laughing, you know, switched slowly and discreaming into crying. Because we were like, I mean, shit, I wasn't even in the second grade. Anyway, it's been reported in my neighborhood lately that there's a group on our area. The local police have been notified multiple time and refused to do anything about the issue because the kids are underage. What? However, it's been said that the adults in the home

are aware that they do this and egg them on. It's hard for me to believe the police wouldn't do anything to adults if it was a ticket or something. I feel like something has to be done. Am I nuts? Oh, dude, this is one of the easiest solutions ever. This is what you do. All right, you got to have one car in front of you. That's the mark, I believe they say, on a sting, right? That's like, you know, when they have the police officer and they dress her up like a whore, you know, and then she's got to walk down the street trying to fucking bait the serial killer and then before the serial killer grabs her and before he can fucking killer. You know, and turn her skin into a fucking sweater vest, they're supposed to come in and then a car behind, you have one of those fucking,

the AR-15 version of a paint gun. And then what you do is you just fucking open up on those kids and you fucking pelts the shit out of them. All right, then is another thing. You find out what house they're in. And at three in the morning, you go buy with the paint gun and you fucking right through the fucking windows. Just pick the living room, nobody's in there. And if the guys are asleep on the couch, she's got the back of the couch to cover up. All right?

All of that was a joke. I don't think you should do that. I'm not advocating that, that is all very dangerous. that is all very dangerous. That was a revenge fantasy. I don't think that you should do that. All right. But how much fun would that be? You know, be better if they had a fucking paint gun.

That was like one of those old school machine guns where you need one guy to feed the fucking ammo into it so you could both enjoy it like in the back of a pickup. You know, get some, get some. Uh, living with an X. Oh my God. Wow. I mean, going through a breakup is hard enough

but to hear the next guy fucking your ex-girlfriend and somebody's gonna be getting laid before the other one, right? And God next guy fucking your ex girlfriend. And somebody's going to be getting laid before the other one, right? And God knows it has to be her. It's going to be even worse, right? Even worse for you, right? All right, living with an ex, God, damn it, that fucking cappuccino is delicious. Hey, Billy Blue Balls. I recently broke up with my ex girlfriend of nearly three years. After over a year together I generally thought I found the one and we co-signed a lease on an apartment together. Unfortunately the last year and change was pretty rocky in spite of us working towards a future together

And even looking at engagement rings last month But the shit all culminated right before the holidays and her breaking up with me, then taking it back repeatedly telling me to fly to my hometown without her for Christmas, getting mad at me for actually going through with it, and also trying to convince me to get a tattoo of her initials on my ass. All right buddy, you know what the great thing about me not being in this relationship is in everybody listening is we have clarity. Yeah, congratulations. Congratulations, and I would get out of this fucking apartment as soon as you can.

Side note, you may be thinking we must be certified pre-owned white trash. No, I don't. I just think that she was fucking your brains out. And at some point that made sense because the pussy was that good, not to be crashed, but that's what we think. On the contrary, we both just turned 27. I'm an engineer making over six figures. What in the fuck are you still doing there? Get out. I don't give a fuck if you still have to pay half the rent for six months. Go live in some shit hole just to not be there.

Just get the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of there. Pay your half of the rent, go move back in with your parents. Get the fuck out of there. I'm an engineer making over six figures while finishing a master's degree and she is finishing her pharmacy doctorate.

Oh great, nice level head of person, gonna be given drugs to people. And the AC's back on. I don't know why it does this. Is there something wrong with the thermostat? Is it on that eco fucking shit? This is genius. It's just genius.

It makes you keep turning on the fucking heat, shutting it off. I don't know. I don't know what the deal is. Anyway, let's get back to this fucking guy making six figures. You got the cash. Make it rain and get the fuck out of there. Anyway, we're both tall and in good shape we have been, you guys like AI robots, like you guys don't seem possible.

We're both tall in good shape and have been called a power couple on multiple occasions, which probably contributed to that, that we are both pretty egotistical. All right, now I'm starting to lose empathy on you here. All right, so you're Barbie and Kendall? Anyway, while I got some space from her over the holidays, I did a lot of research about how to handle our underlying problems.

Strategize, how to communicate with her, and even send her a love letter in an effort to be a good boyfriend. We agreed it was time for me to come back and we would try couple's therapy. Alas, the first night I got home, she blew up on me, egg me on to break up with her. And so I said, fuck trying to make this work and ended it. Good for you.

In the coming days, she said she doesn't want to break up, kept double checking that I was sure and it's been struggling to accept where we're at. Buddy, get out of that fucking apartment. After we broke up, I offered to absorb the full cost of the apartment. Why? Why? Because, you know why? Because the cops believe her. Because hell h half no fury.

I am so sick of this fucking narrative that the amount of fucking advantages in relationships that women have normally. You know? I mean, unless you guys is like a fucking wife-beater, like, you're gonna win. I mean, I don't know. Because what you're doing is what I would do. I just, you know, I'm sorry, broke up with you. I'll fucking pay for everything. You can stay here.

I'm gonna get the fuck out of you. That's how we look at you guys when you get upset and you fucking know it. I'm gonna absorb the full cost of the apartment and take her name off the lease if she moved out. Oh, you're going to try to keep the apartment. Would she is declined since she can't afford to live by herself?

And so I thought we would work things out as roommates for as long as we could handle it. However, today she asked me to move out and continue to pay for my half of our apartment. I fuck you because she wouldn't be able to get past our break up if I was still here and because she would eventually throw a fit if we were still living together for too much longer. I can afford to cave into her wishes and just be done with it without having to deal with the psycho but I really don't want to basically pay her to live in a 1200 square foot apartment by herself for the last six months of our lease.

What should I do? You should break your lease. You should break your lease. And he could go all the way. There you go. This is what I would do. Okay. This is what I would do. Okay. This is what I would do. I would get another place to live,

sign a lease there. I take a day off from work without realizing it. I would pack my shit up. I would get it the fuck out of there. And then I would tell the landlord that I moved out, that we broke up and I moved out. And I'm not fucking paying anything else and let him do whatever the fuck he wants to do

I would not You know But I get it if you do this I get it This is just this classic fucking thing that when a relationship fucking ends a woman feels well I need to get something out of this need to get something out of this. Right? And the level of power that they have now was social media to say, and you, you were abusive and all of this shit, you know, it's probably, I mean, I'm coming with like fucking 1980s, 90s advice here. So, I don't know. In the dream scenario, that's what you would do. I would say this. Either way, you need to get the fuck out of there. You need to get away from her as soon as possible.

And you need to get another place as soon as possible. I would just get the fuck out of there. Just get the fuck out of there. And and and I would just say and then once you have your own place you can kind of go she like no I'm not doing that she's a pharmacist she has fucking money you're an adult just say no I'm not doing that just say I'm not I'm not paying this I'll pay half of it that that's what you do it don't do all that psycho shit I said just say listen I'll pay half of it. That's what you do it. Don't do all that psycho shit, I said. Just say, listen, I'll pay for half, that's it. Okay, I'm not, you earn an adult and I'm not paying for that.

And just remain calm. It's like, I lost two years of my life just like you did. Like, why don't you pay for my half of the fucking rent? Fuck you. Take out all of that and the attitude. No F-bombs, none of that and just yeah it's fucking annoying it's fucking annoying you know I'm annoying cuz you like whatever the fucking audacity of that I can't deal with you being here I wouldn't be able to get over with pay for my

life all right all the ladies independent throw your hands up at me. Every fucking hand goes up and they all play this fucking game. At least a lot of them do. All right, Billy Putty. Billy Putty, not silly Putty, Billy Putty. Dear Billy Putty, you've achieved great success. Your microphone reaches many people. Could you please take a second and ask these cuts that are working the gas stations, convenience stores to go ahead and unlock both entry doors

to the establishment. For fuck's sakes, do they enjoy watching a couple hundred patrons a day do face plants into the glass doors. We can do better USA. Well it makes for great videos. Yeah why is only one open? I don't understand that either. That is a decent question. All right that is the podcast everybody. I got to go get the kids ready for bed here. Another NFL regular season is over. It was a great one. And as always, I bitched Monde and complained

about the pre-vent defense and nobody cares. And it continues. So I am done yelling about that. That is it. I got mom doing the Bond Scott gig with Dean Del Rey. I'm playing two songs. I'm doing my new 15 minutes and all of that shit. I know that part's gonna go well.

We'll see how the rest of it goes. I almost said I love you guys. What's going on with me? What's going on with new happy bill? The guy go dad. How you doing there? Kissinger? What are the fuck you supposed to say to kids Kissinger? What the fuck in War Criminal? But aren't we all War criminals? We just don't

fight as big a battle. That fucking check that dude's living with. I throw her in there. Anyway, all right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. you you