Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-9-23

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Bill rambles about playoffs, big golf bodies, and angry soccer chants.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you'd like to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. I hope you're having a wonderful 2023 so far. I hope you count your blessings. I hope you're just holding everybody you know, near and dear. And all that other filler that people say, right?

They're all fucking, you know, just filling it up with the old filler up, you know? Just saying what your thoughts and prayers go out to the fucking something SIPA and, you know, win one for the gipper or whatever the fuck you're supposed to say nowadays. You just say nice things. I hope the sun shines down on your part of the world. And when it does, you take in the rays and just realize that the sun's always out, you know? Tomorrow, the sun will come out tomorrow. Bet that sign in the window won't change society, but you tried.

You wrote your political opinion on a piece of paper. You stuck it in the window because you're self-involved. And you think people care, but they do not give a fuck what you think. Their parents already filled their heads. Alright, there you go. I'm working on a new musical. You know, I'm sampling Annie. I'm not stealing, alright? I feel like I have the right to consider Amosa with ginger.

You know, I love how orphan Annie was a fucking redhead. Of course, they kicked her to the curb the second they saw her coming out with that shit, right? You know, I got brown hair, you got black hair, what in the fuck is this? You know, a couple of generations back, you put that thing down, the goddamn orphanage, and we're going to try again, alright? Stretch your fucking legs, woman. You dump that package off, you come back, and we're going to get back to fucking. You understand me?

That's the prequel to Annie, that I have been shopping around Hollywood for years, and no one wants to hear it, you know? And I'm calling reverse sexism. Actually, I was going to sell the idea, but then they were like, but are you the right person at this time to direct it? And I was like, well, I am a ginger, and they said, yeah, but it all fell out. And I said, fair enough. And they said, are you willing to give this idea, turn it over to a full-headed hair, ginger?

And I just couldn't pull the trigger. I said, no, I am not. I'm too close to the project. And they said, great, you're now going to be escorted off of this lot, and I have not worked since. Okay, but am I bitter? Whatever. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, selling a musical.

Selling a goddamn musical. That's one of the hardest things you can ever do, especially. You know, not because the themes are hard. It's the fact that I'm tone deaf. You know, other than that, when you look at a musical, when you see the subject matter for 90% of them, I think a lot of them is you just take like an album, you know, that was popular, and you just feel like, all right, how can I turn that into a musical?

You know, like Bad Out of Hell, the musical. They did it with Abba, right? Do they do with Bob Seeger yet? Do they have against the wind, the musical? I don't know what they did. I'm not up on that shit. I'm not up on that shit the way I'm not up on the fucking NFL. Jesus fucking Christ, I got my goddamn ass handed to me from December on.

It's kind of what happens when you gamble on football and you watch like one game every three weeks. I had to pick five games this week because the Bengals and the Bills got canceled because of that poor kid, you know, all that stuff that happened, which I'm sure you heard about, and I guess he's sitting up, he's talking, and everything's great, right? So I bet the Patriots this week. I bet the Patriots. I bet with my fucking heart, right, rather than my brains.

All right, but you know, our offense has been coming along. You know, it's not as anemic as it was. You know, our defense has been great all year. I mean, you know, just when you spend 90% of the time on the fucking field, you know, shit's going to happen, right? So anyway, it was one of those deals where it was weird before the game, you know, because of the tragedy the week before I was having this weird thing where I was like, I can't root against the Bills.

It reminded me of like when the Yankees went to the World Series after 9-11. I was just like, I can't fucking root against these guys. I'm not going to root for them. The best I can do is I'm not going to root against them. And it didn't hurt that they were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks. All right? Like, who gives a fuck about that team? It was an expansion team, right?

There were yet another team that I believe stole the Yankees' pinstripes. So I was kind of like, fuck them. And then they also had like a jacuzzi out in the outfield. It's like, these people don't give a shit. Like, what are we doing here? I'll go as far as say this. If you have a jacuzzi, you're a fucking dirtbag. You know what I mean?

I'm not talking about, if it's attached to a pool, I'll look the other way. But if all you have is a standalone jacuzzi, you're at least dealing weed. But now that's legal. I don't know. Back when I was growing up, you know, there was a person with a certain kind of car, right? A Monte Carlo T-Tops, right? An old Cutlass T-Tops. A Grand Prix T-Tops, right?

Monte SS T-Tops. And what came with the T-Tops? A fucking hot tub. You had a fucking hot tub, right? You had broads over there. Shit. Was there was drugs? It was drugs.

I would love for them to drain every hot tub in this fucking country that was from the 80s and then run a black light over it and how much semen and cocaine that you would find at the bottom of those goddamn things. I think there's enough freestanding coke in those fucking waters that if you could somehow sift it, which I believe they have the technology, okay, I believe the Freemasons know how to fucking do it. If they could fucking sift all the goddamn cocaine out of the bottom of those hot tubs and sell it back to fucking, what the fuck does it come from? Columbia? We could knock down this goddamn debt.

We could maybe have enough money to start another war, right? I'm not up on politics, people, but you know, the other day, I just feel like the level of fucking, the level of corruption on all levels. You know, people look at it in politics. You know, tonight in Los Angeles, January 9th, 2000 and fucking, what do you call it, they're having the NCAA, I almost didn't say that right, the NCAA Football Championship. Why can't I speak? NCAA Football Championship tonight against TCU, come on frogs, right?

All those JR Ewing looking line dancing sons of bitches who look like they're going to go do a guest star on fucking Yellowstone, right? How great is fucking Yellowstone and I got the Harrison Ford prequel? Who knew? You know, there was all this money in fucking cowboys. The Western is coming, they finally updated it. I guess the Harrison Ford ones is from back in the 20s. They finally got the cowboy out of the 1800s, right? And now they got him in the 2000s.

These are actual cowboys. These guys are on fucking horses. I'm talking about real cowboys. I'm not talking about people in Texas that wear a cowboy hat and drive a shiny pickup truck that never leaves the road unless there's traffic and you're cutting across the medium to that local fucking road, which is the move in Texas. I learned that pretty quickly. I'm talking about real cowboys, all right? The ones that are out there, you know, with a guitar, you know, men in a fence, whatever it is they do. You know, they're like a dormant volcano, aren't they?

There's no buffalo left. You know, they've corralled all the indigenous people. I mean, what is a cowboy supposed to do now? They're sort of the blacksmith of 2023. I don't know. I've never watched a real estate show from Wyoming, so I really don't know what's going on in that part of the world. But, you know, I'm trying. Anyway, so this is the kind of the corruption that I'm talking about.

This is what I'm trying to talk about. I'm talking in circles here, but stay with me. I'm losing altitude. I'm going to hit the ground soon. Just fucking just stay with me here. Down at SoFi Stadium, they have in the Super Bowl college football. And do you know that they're saying you're not allowed to tailgate? You're not allowed to tailgate.

What the fuck? You fucking mean I'm not allowed to tailgate? Tailgating comes with the fucking ticket. Is this going to be the new thing? You're not allowed to tailgate? Are you trying to force me into the stadium? To pay those astronomical prices for all of that fucking shit food? You know, it's not my fault you decided to fucking build a flying saucer

and bury it fucking nine miles into the goddamn ground. I didn't ask for that fucking stay. I was fine with LA Memorial Coliseum. I didn't see a fucking problem with it. All these soft assholes saying it was a dump. You goddamn right, it's a dump. It's a fucking stadium. What's the matter?

There's no luxury boxes. They don't serve sushi. What the fuck are you here for? They don't have a hot tub on one end of the fucking goddamn, that little fucking herpes aquarium down there. That's what's missing for you. Huh? Oh, look at me.

I got my fucking legs crossed and I got a foot going around in a circle right now. I really think I'm making a point here. They're saying that you can't fucking tailgate. I would love to see them enforce that. You can tell people from Georgia they can't tailgate. I mean, most people from Georgia live outside. Once you get outside of Atlanta, I mean, it's just, that's a fucking free for all.

Huh? That's, that's Charlie Daniels country out there. I get stoned in the morning, get drunk in the afternoon. I ain't asking nobody for nothing. If I can't get it all my own, one of my favorite fucking country songs. Right? I related to it. I was a loner.

I didn't like being around people. I'm not, I'm going to go live in a fucking swamp. You know, even when I had here, I couldn't grow it long if I fucking wanted to. I couldn't, you know, my head didn't grow down. It fucking grew out. It's just yet another fucking reason, yet another fucking reason to feel like a weirdo and to put on a Charlie Daniels song and be like, I fucking like this guy. You can tell people from, from, from, from Texas that they can't fucking do something.

You want something from Texas to not do something? Tell them that they can do it. They'll sit on their fucking asses and they won't do shit. Tell them they can't fucking do it. Right? And all of a sudden they got their spurs on. Right? Putting on a goddamn belt buckle with a gun on the side of it.

That's their deal. Right? You know, cunts like that. If you want them to go left, you got to tell them to go right. Yeah. I don't understand that. Don't mess with Texas. All of that fucking, they just, they're looking for it.

They're bored. That whole state is a bunch of cowboys with no one left to kill. Right? I'm sorry. I'm in a weird fucking mood. You know, somebody posted on Instagram, listen to this fucking shit that you'll never, that they want to, I don't know if this is true or not. Listen, members of Congress outperformed the stock market for the second year in a row

in 2022 with lawmakers reporting nearly 800 million in total assets and more than 12,700 trades despite one of the worst markets since 2008. Lawmakers in both parties fared better than the S&P 500. Isn't that incredible? I mean, they're crushing it over there. I don't know why they don't get on Ben MGM. They could fucking pick a football game better than I could. Unbelievable.

Shout out to Democrats and Republicans. I mean, all the rest of us are getting our pockets turned inside now. You know, I can't get mad at them. It's almost as though they have inside information. We'll not go investigate it. That's so fucking ever, right? However, some regular person does some regular bullshit, right? And all of a sudden they're in trouble, you know?

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. It's just like, can't you just let people go to the game and fucking tailgate? I mean, it's going to rain anyway, you know? The amount of people driving across the country spend all their money on their goddamn ticket and they're going to get out there and they got their fucking TVs, their tents and all this shit and they're ready for the rain and all of that crap and they're ready to tailgate and you're going to combine your golf cartons. Get in the stadium and overpay for what you already have in your cooler.

I mean, this is the bread and circus. This is sports. This is the only thing we have left. You're going to start fucking with that. Like how much fucking money do these cunts need to make? It's unbelievable. The level of upset that I am about that tailgate and what the house representatives and the senators are doing and here's the funny thing.

I haven't investigated either one of those facts. For all I know, you can tailgate. Somebody just told me that you can't and I said, what the fuck? And that was it. Somebody posted something on Instagram. I read it and I said, that is true. Here I am talking about, now you sit listening to it. This is how it fucking starts.

I've started this podcast like nine times, so I can't even remember what the fuck I've been talking about. Did I mention how bad I got my fucking ass kicked on these goddamn pics? I started to talk about the bills game. So I'm sitting there going like, alright, well I can't root against these guys. I was already rooting for the bills this year anyway. I remember when they lost the four Super Bowls in a row. I remember when that fucking asshole was in the crease. I saw they got six feet of fucking snow in like 20 minutes.

It's just like, when is God going to let these people fucking stand upright? So I've been rooting for the bill. I've been rooting for them last year. I'm rooting for this year. It's funny because they hate the Patriots and I could give a fuck about the bills. I don't give a shit if you win it. I hope you win it. You know? Maybe you guys can afford to actually go buy some pants instead of those fucking, I don't know, zebra buffalo bills, striped fucking puffy pants you're wearing from 30 fucking years ago.

Right? I'm rooting for you guys, right? So the goddamn game starts. All right? We win the toss. We give it over to the bills. We kick it off to them. And lo and behold, the guy takes it back. The 50, the 40, the 30, the 30.

Both announces. Whoever the other guy is. And Tony Romo, I call him Antony, right? Antony Romo, they fucking lose their shit. Oh my God, it's like a fairy tale. Right? And Tony Romo kept saying this thing that made me feel really stupid. I love Tony Romo.

That guy fucking knows the game. He predicts what's going to happen. It's fascinating to listen to a game he called. But he just kept saying after the bill scored that touchdown, he kept saying it's almost fate. And the other guy was so busy, he goes, it was like a dream. It was like tinkerbell landed on my nose and touched him with, he just kept saying it was almost fate.

It's almost fate. And I'm thinking like, what the fuck does that mean? What is almost fate that that poor kid was going to have a heart attack so everybody could be sad collectively in root form so they could run a kickback against our fucking terrible special teams? Is that what he was saying? I don't know what he was saying, but he kind of alligator armed it because he said it was almost fate.

Can somebody please explain that? Because I know that I'm here, that I don't understand. I do know that. I don't know much, but I know, I guess I don't know what fucking fate means. It's almost fate. Jesus Christ. So then they're all doing, you know, the heart with the number three. You know, and that starts getting annoying.

I had to keep running myself like Bill, a guy almost died. Okay, can you stop rooting for fucking uniforms for five goddamn seconds? So then we came back, you know, and we score a touchdown at seven to seven. I'm like, that's it, right? I yell break their hearts. And I was like, bad reference ruined their football Sunday. So then the bills go back down. And, uh, by the way, you know, fucking Josh Allen, just amazing quarterback.

That back shoulder pass to fucking Stefan Diggs, you know, it was just amazing. I love watching him play. And, uh, I feel like he's a smoother Ben Rothless burger. Same big guy, tough guy, hard to bring down same type of thing. But this guy is like more fucking precise. What I feel like Rothless burger was like a gunslinger. This kid is like fundamentally fucking sound. And I don't want to jinx anything out there, but I think that that kid is gonna,

you know, he's going to get some jewelry at some point. Okay. And he's not going to Jacob the jeweler. I think he's going to get it from the NFL. Not trying to jinx anything. I think he's fucking great. So he throws it, you know, too much time. He throws a fucking touchdown in the second touchdown.

Whoever that guy was that scored it, looked into the camera, dreamy eyed and made the heart thing and did the number three. And he was so staring into the camera. It made me uncomfortable. All right. And then up there. So then what do I do? I really start rooting for the Patriots at this point.

I'm just sitting there going like, I understand there's a tragedy. We're obviously rooting for the kid. The kid is sitting up. He's talking. He's going to be back. He's going to be better than ever. Fuck the bills. Right.

I'll let fucking go pets. I got money on the game. Right. Just being a total selfish bald freckled cunt. And just the fucking game gets away from us. It gets away from us. Congratulations to the bills. The Patriots are going home.

We get a draft pick. You know, we get, we get something in the gift bag. We'll see what happens. Maybe hopefully we'll get a fucking receiver. Um, I don't know who made the playoffs. All I know is that I had to pick five games this week because I had money last week on the fucking bills and bangles. They obviously canceled that game and somehow that fucked the Bengals.

I don't know how that happened. You know, what they were doing, some sort of flipping the coin thing. Um, when Nixon ran it in, I believe. Um, this is, this is my dumb ass picks. And I'll tell you right now, if you listen to me on the anything better podcast, if you haven't figured out yet to just bet against, if you bet against everything that I said this week, you absolutely destroyed it. I took the paths with the points, lost my ass.

I took the fucking Raiders. Okay. Against the Kansas city chiefs. I'm thinking like, all right, it's a division rivalry game. You know, they're getting 14 points. Raiders got a great defense. You know, they got some good receivers and shit. They'll keep it there.

It's not going to lose by fucking four. Even that down by 14, they'll go into a prevent defense, even though the chiefs don't really do that. I learned that the hard way a couple of months ago. Uh, you know, I think they'll be able to keep, they got the fucking shit kicked out of them. The absolute shit kicked out of them. I picked the Ravens over the Bengals.

I mean, that fucking game was over before it started. And I know the Ravens came back and made it close. I lost that one. I took the fucking Cardinals. You know, I'm thinking. I'm thinking, uh, Colt McCoy, best backup in the league. He's getting 14 points division rivalry. People are playing for their jobs.

It's JJ Watts, possibly his last game, the great JJ Watts. They're going to come out there and fucking at least keep it close. Got the shit kicked out of them. I don't even know who my last, I think my last game that I take Seattle. I don't know who the fuck I took. I don't know who I took, but I can tell you right now, uh, I should be banned from gambling on football. Uh, that's all I'm saying.

Um, so anyway, I, uh, there's some buddies of mine are in town, right? And, um, I ended up, uh, hanging out today. I played golf again. I played nine holes. And I'm actually getting better at it. It's fucking annoying me because I'm trying not to give a fuck. And I actually for the first time kept score and I shot a 49 on nine holes. So if I kept that up, I would have broke a hundred, which to me kind of is what I've always been saying

that golf is not nearly as difficult as people say. It's just, you know, there's so many non athletes that play it. I'm obviously saying at a fucking high level to break 80. I mean, you got to be fucking athletic. You got to play. I'm not disrespecting the game at that. I'm just talking about all of these fucking hacks out there. I mean, the body types, the fact that it's considered a sport and you just look at it

some of these fucking people just rolling out of their cars with their stupid outfits on going over there, hitting this fucking, you know, it's like, it's like T-ball. Right. And, uh, and they go out there and they affect the curve, the grading curve about how fucking difficult this goddamn game is. So, um, anyway, but I'm still doing what I always do. I refuse to buy clubs and I've been playing with the same ball for the last 27 holes. A title is four.

The title is four lives. I thought I lost it today. I hit a tree and it bounced back out. I fucking parred the last hole and, uh, it's funny. One of the guys I was golfing with because I was like, what hole are we on? And he goes, uh, we're on the seventh hole. He goes, I always get sad, you know, because it's almost over and I'm thinking of my head like I was getting psyched because I'm usually bored shitless by the fucking fourth

hole. Oh my God. The fucking pomp and circumstance around when you're just standing there waiting for somebody to hit the ball. Fortunately, the people I was playing with were playing fast. Is there anything fucking worse than just watching somebody addressing the ball? For like 28 fucking seconds. It feels like you're standing there for 10 minutes and then just to watch them fucking

hook it or slice it. And then he always put that hand up like, like it wasn't them who hit it. Like there was something else wrong. Like when somebody cuts you off and fucking causes an accident and then they immediately go like, what the fuck? It's like, what do you mean what the fuck? He ran the light. You cunt.

Right. You don't get to go, what the fuck? You're in the wrong, right? But the people immediately, they start posting up with like, what the fuck? It's kind of funny. Like watching the level of people. Everybody goes like Ryan leaf out there. They start losing their shit and people throw clubs and they break them and they throw them

in the fucking water. It's fucking hilarious. It's like, what are you mad at? You know what's funny about golf is you can't get mad at anybody else is because you did it. So then what do people do? Then they get mad at the game. They get mad at their clubs.

They start blaming shit that fucking I got them bird flu. It's like, dude, you suck. Okay. Nobody picked you in gym class. Stop acting like you're athletic. This is not a sport. It just isn't. That's why you're out here.

Okay. Do you have a plane to pick up league of basketball, pick up league of hockey? You haven't played flag. You didn't do any of that shit because you suck. Can you throw a ball? Can you catch? No, you can't because you suck. So why would you think that you would come out here?

Right? And not suck. Huh? Sorry. Anyway, the only game I like to shit on more than soccer is golf. I actually like soccer. It's just, it's just, it's part of being an American to thumb your nose with the rest, at the rest of the world when they're all obeying the Paris treaty and fucking losing their

mind about with their version of football for you to just sit there and be like, no, fuck the Paris treaty. Fuck your version of football and, and, and, and, and, and, and fuck the metric system, which probably admittedly, you know, if I was more mature with three huge mistakes that this country made, but England can't get mad because you can't still drive on the opposite side of the road just to be fucking cunt. So you, you relate to it. And at the end of the day, we, we are you guys.

Don't act like we fell out of the sky. Okay. We, we, we came from your goddamn country and we smart enough to leave. We saw those taxes coming. God knows now they're happening over here. Um, well, I flew a passenger this week, helicopter. The first time I flew blood somewhere from a family that was fucking stressful as shit. I was just up there thinking about all the people that'd be fucking mad at me.

And then we ended up having a great time or whatever. So, um, that's kind of my goal this year is to get, uh, get way more solo hours and that type of stuff. And I'm having a great time with it. Um, anyway, Jesus Christ, people fucking calling me here. See if I can get to this podcast without another goddamn interruption. And I went to a restaurant today and I went into the bathroom and I go in there and there's a guy in there with his son who's young.

So he needs like help. So immediately it's like fucking weird, you know, when you walk in there and there's a dad helping his kid go to the bathroom. So all I had to do was take a piss, but you know, respectfully, I went to a stall rather than being at the urinal because he was, you know, helping the kid wash his hands and shit. So I go in and goddamn fucking bathroom. Just whew. I'm talking about side of the road in the middle of nowhere at gas station.

Bathroom smell. Like what the fuck? This is bad. And there was like a trash barrel right next to the toilet. I'm going to tell you right now it's gross and there was toilet paper in there. I wasn't really thinking about it. I'm just like taking a piss or whatever. And then right as I'm almost done taking a piss, I look down and I see the toilet paper

has skid marks on it. I almost puked. Like what in the fuck? And it was like an office trash can. So it was like see-through. So even if you weren't looking down into it from the side, you could see it. There's a fucking, this is just one of those things you see and you're just not the same person after it.

I went to father and son left. I got to the sink and I was like gagging. And like it takes a lot. And that was enough. And I was just like oh my god I got to get the fuck out of here. And I didn't tell the other people I was eating with what happened until after we left. And I was like I don't think I'm going to go back to that place. I don't know what the fuck that was.

I mean I felt like I was in another country. Like what is that? It's like looking at an outlet in Europe the first time you go over here. Like what is this? Can I stick my thing in there and it fucking blows up your laptop? Like okay evidently not. Oh you know what's funny was when we were golfing there was this dual engine helicopter just like flying super slow over this canyon and then it just came to a stop and everybody's

going like you know was asking me like I know everything about helicopters. What are you doing? I was like I think somebody fell. Hiking. So I was waiting for the fucking rope with the goddamn bed to come down. It never did. So they must have had some people on the ground being like alright he's alright you know. And I just started laughing because I was thinking it was probably somebody, some poor bastard

like New Year's resolution. I'm going to start fucking walking more, getting more exercise. I'm going to turn around and they just crushed it for fucking eight days. And then next thing you know you're just laying on your back trying to figure out what the fuck happened to you. You know like you had your head down and hockey. Next thing you know there's a helicopter hovering over you and you're like oh my god am I that guy? I'm that guy I can't go on a goddamn hike without getting fucking airlifted out. What a shameful fucking moment that's got to be.

That almost happened to me when I told that story before and I was in fucking Colorado. Where the fuck were we in Colorado Springs? I just told this story because I just performed there. I was hiking in the beginnings of the Rocky Mountains I think like right there, right off the, what is that, the 25? Just west of that. I was hiking with somebody else and I was standing up on this rock and two seconds later I was not, I fucking went down like a ton. I still don't even, I was dry out.

I don't know what I slipped on. But how I didn't break my FEMA or my humorous and I would have been that guy. You know. Underrated. Going on a hike and not having to be airlifted out of there. By the way if you guys, you guys been sending in some great emails so I'm going to do the, you know please remind listeners of the podcast email. If you would like to write into this podcast and hear me try and read your shit out loud.

Go to Monday Morning Podcast at gmail.com. That's the way you want to do it. And anyway so I came back from drumming and drumming. I came back from playing golf and I sat down and wailed on the kit for a minute. Had a good time and then I just played with my kids. I was playing, playing catch with them in the living room. We play this game called Double Throw where both people have a ball and you go one, two, three and you got to throw it at the same time.

My daughter's getting so good at it. You know, we were trying to see if we could get up to 20 in a row first. She like legit beat me. 20 to 19. Fucking choked on the last one. Slash, she didn't give me the best fucking throw. Now my son's coming along catching, you know. I think that's a big thing, you know.

Teaching kids how to throw and catch and how to drive a stick shift. I know I'm an old dad but that's like important to me so that's going to happen. Anyway, congratulations to everybody that made the playoffs. I am rooting for the Bills. I've been rooting for them all year. I'm not bandwagon because of that horrible thing that happened last week which seems like it's going to be alright. You know what's funny at the beginning of the game,

you just see how they showed all of those people that fucking just responded perfectly to it and the NFL was showing footage of it. That was another thing that I didn't buy, you know. I buy all of those people and how great they are at the job but I feel like the NFL was showing that to prevent any sort of a lawsuit. Just to have, let's have this on camera. All 15 of these people had a job to do and they crushed it. Let's make sure this is on camera.

Fuck the sidelines on any goddamn catch. We don't need to cover that. Let's just cover our asses. Alright, I'm cynical. Rocket Money, everybody. You know, if your New Year's goals are to manage your budget better and save money, you need Rocket Money. Say goodbye to last year's outdated, disorganized methods of managing your money and say hello to Rocket Money.

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Plus, shipping is fast and free. Get started right now at grove.com slash burr, grove.com slash burr. Funny English Chance. This is the first read for the week by the people right then. Okay, what do we got here? Funny English Chance. All right, I asked people that watch soccer, as we call it here in America, or football, as they call it in the rest of the world. And being an American, I still feel we're right. They have these hilarious songs that they sing during the game, so I wanted people to send some in. Please keep these coming, because they're great. So Funny English Chance. Hey there, bald, baffled, butter, billy boy.

This funny chant originated in a non-league club called FC United of Manchester, not the famous Man United. It is sung by the tune of the Adams Family song. The lyrics are, your sister is your mother, your father is your brother, you all fuck one another. The kiddie family, do-do-do-do clap, clap, do-do-do-do clap, clap. It's amazing. Here's the link. You guys want to hear them sing it? It's kind of interesting, because it stays in 4-4, I believe. I just like how they speed up that one part. I was counting it out, it's still in 4, they're just going to like double time. It's like the lemon song.

Your sister is your mother, your father is your brother, you all fuck one another. The kiddie family. I just like that you can fucking sing something like that. And there's no DJ drowning you out. Jesus Christ, if I have one more DJ go, make some noise. Yeah, why don't you shut the fuck up? And we will. We don't need you. Or maybe they do. This is my newest resolution. I got to stop bitching about modern sports, because I'll be honest with you, my criticism in the NBA is not right.

I watched the game the other night, it wasn't what I was saying, it was actually an entertaining game. I'm just a cunt. And give you no examples of fucking how, but it doesn't stop me from bitching how I hope and... Okay, by request on the last episode, English soccer fight songs. Hello, Billy Babylon. You requested English soccer, parentheses, not real football songs that would rival the Michigan fight song. This is certainly not one of them. Well, I don't know how to sing this, so I guess I'll just read it.

I'll read it first and then I'll play it. A few years ago, I drank 10 pints of more, and I think that was supposed to be 10 pints or more, and had a horrific hangover. So I looked up online if other people were drinking as many pints. Of course the English do, and I'm apparently descended from them as I've done the genetic test and can no longer be a serial killer as my DNA is in the worldwide database. Do you think anybody just got a creepy vibe from an uncle or something like that, you know? That's a good way to keep a creepy uncle away from you. Go get a fucking DNA check.

Have the cops pick them up before he takes the air quote, takes you to a game. The chorus here is, believe it or not, drink 10 pints. Pints and get absolutely plastered. Go back home and beat the wife. What? Here's the link for a sound clip. Shout out to men who don't beat their wives and children on principle like they did in the old days. What in the fuck?

All right, open the link. Here we go. Oh, no, no, no, no. They're saying go home and beat your wife. You dirty northern bastard. So they weren't advocating it. They were calling the other people wife beaters. All right, that's fair game.

You know, they're not pro domestic violence. They're actually against it by using it as an insult. I get it. You know, I get it. You know, we all do stupid shit like that. It was like my wife had the stomach flu, you know, and she kept, you know, getting sick, you know. After a while, you just run out of supportive shit to say it's like when somebody keeps sneezing, how many times can you say, God bless you.

My wife, the poor thing kept getting sick and I didn't know what to do. So the last time she got sick, I put on Karen Carpenter. I mean, I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have done that, but you know, having a laugh. Case for Fahrenheit. Hey, Billy Bron- Hey, Bronchitis Billy. Hey, I was pneumonia.

Williams and pneumonia is my hilarious wife said to me. Last week, you were talking about Celsius being a superior temperature unit. Well, you said the metric system was superior, which Celsius isn't part of. It's part of the centigrade system. Oh, you know, I can't believe I got that wrong. However, as a European, I've grown up with Celsius and think Fahrenheit is way better. Here's my case. It just, Celsius seems easier to me if water freezes at zero and it boils at 100 as opposed

to 32. And I don't even know what it boils at 211 or 212 degrees. Anyway, just seem, I don't know. It just seems easier to me. Anyway, let's, let's see. True, Celsius is bound to water, but that has nothing to do with how we experience heat. Yeah, water freezes at zero Celsius and boils at 100, but so what? My body doesn't.

What does that mean? Well, who's dropping you into a fucking pot of boiling water, you shithead? We're talking about weather. There's going to be fucking way more days where water is freezing and you get goddamn snow. You know, that works. Hope it doesn't get up to 100 Celsius and we're all boiling to death. With Fahrenheit, it's a scale of zero to 100 for perceived temperatures for humans. In other words, how cold is it when it's zero degrees Fahrenheit?

It's fucking cold. Well, yeah, that works with Celsius too. How warm is it when it's 100 degrees Fahrenheit? It's fucking hot. That's just because you're familiar with it. On a scale of, I mean, since I got into aviation, I know that when it gets into the 30s, Celsius, I don't want to fly. At least at altitude, I don't want to fucking do that.

I don't want to go anywhere. You know, I'm not going up to Big Bear on those days with a full tank of gas at my big fucking head. I ain't doing that. On a scale of zero to 100, anything in between is good enough for us to enjoy. That's not true. What, 99 degrees is okay about 100, is it? My ideal temperature is 76 degrees Fahrenheit, which is 24.44 degrees Celsius. Parenthesis stupid.

That argument stinks. You're just talking about what you're familiar with because I was familiar with Fahrenheit. And once I got into aviation, it was really easy to figure out what it was going to be like outside. And I never look at Fahrenheit anymore. That's a terrible fucking argument. You sound like me when I'm talking about sports. You're glorifying the 80s with Fahrenheit. I disagree with you.

And I don't even think you made a good point in any of that other than correcting me on whatever the fuck you said in the beginning. And I've already forgotten what that is. My best man came to visit me. Doesn't bring his wife. Who's my cousin? All right, let me slow down. And he says, there is your brother. My best man came to visit me.

Doesn't bring his wife. Parenthesis. Who's my cousin? Okay, so your best man married your cousin. All right, you don't give a shit. Okay, dear badass Billy Burr. Let's see. My best friend from back home in West Virginia came down to Austin, Texas to come spend New Year's Eve with me and my wife and kids.

I haven't seen him since my wedding, which was three years ago. So I was pumped when I picked him up from the airport. It was only him and not his wife. Who's my cousin? Okay, you already sound like you assumed that he'd be bringing his wife when we got back to the house. I asked him where she was and he said that they are separated and things haven't looked up in almost a year. Okay, I was shocked because even though we haven't seen each other in three years, we would stay in contact every month via text or FaceTime. It kind of bummed me out and put a damper on this New Year's, especially since his wife is my cousin.

Dude, you've established this three fucking times and I guess she never mentioned this. Anyways, we had a great time together for the few days till he left. Okay, after he left, I'm really liking this fucking because I'm trying to guess what's going to happen. I have no idea. I just know something fucked up is coming. After he left, I have this feeling of being used like a pawn to get his mind off of his relationship, which is fine. But am I a selfish prick for being upset that he didn't tell me and thinking he only came down here because his marriage is on the rocks? Yeah, I think you kind of, who gives a fuck?

I mean, who doesn't want to get away from somebody if they're... No, I think you're being too sensitive about this. This guy texts you and FaceTimes you so you guys are friends. He was your best man at your wedding so you guys are friends. He would have gone to you whether he married your cousin or not. I don't know. I think you're a little self-involved there. It's got to be devastating to go through a divorce.

Somebody you loved, you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with and you got to go through that. They say other than losing a loved one to death, the next stressful thing is going through a divorce. So, you know, yeah, dude, I wouldn't make this about you. You're kind of acting like a chick here and you're making this all about you. You know, I know you're going through a divorce and everything, but just... I was just feeling this. Don't do that. All right?

He said he's a big fan. He's probably not a big fan now because I just said he was being a douche. Not being a douche, but you know, we all do that. We all make things about ourselves, okay? I made the bills game about myself today. You know, I wanted to see the Patriots win that game. All right? I hung in there.

I rooted for him. I did the right thing. At the end of the fucking day, one of my teammates said, you know, we all act like that. Anyway, big fan bill. Hope the family as well. Let's go mountaineers. All right. I like West Virginia, by the way.

That's a great state that gets fucked over by big companies. Just going there, taking all their natural resources and they don't fucking pay anybody. It's fucking terrible. Beautiful state. Sticking it to a stuck up hottie. All right. Here we go. Okay.

Get ready for this one, everybody. Hey, Billy bad ass bar. Long time listener. First time writing in. I have a funny story I'd like to share about a time when I rejected a smoking hot lady. Lady. I think back fondly of this memory and hopefully it has some comedic value for you. All right.

I don't see the value of she was smoking hot. What did she do, sir? I live in a large metropolitan. You know, we all put up with extra shit. Smoking hot. That's what they always say. I mean, they always joke about that. If you watch Wheel of Fortune, which that was our show, Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.

We still watch whenever when my wife was late in her pregnancy and she just was over it. A way to just sort of, you know, wind down every night was we would watch those back to back and we'd have a great time and we would always laugh because for whatever reason, when you're a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, they would be like, who do you got here today? And they always be my smoking hot wife. And I think the ladies do my smoking hot house. Always my smoking hot, my smoking, smoking hot wife. All right.

Anyway, I live in a large metropolitan city in the Southwest. This town is known for its partying and wild nightlife. You could have just said, fucking, you're in Arizona. That's what I'm guessing. What is this? Scottsdale? At the time I was about 22 years old and I was working as a busser in an upscale, upscale contemporary restaurant.

This place was a madhouse. As you can imagine from drugs to sexual behavior, rampant among almost all the staff members and customers. It sounds like a reality show if I've ever heard one. I'm more of a straight-laced kind of guy and exposure to this kind of hypersexual, hedonistic behaviors always rub me the wrong way. Yeah, when human beings start acting like dogs, you want to get away from them. That's a good instinct to have.

One of the hostesses was a weekend warrior, National Guard, and was a drop dead gorgeous hottie. Back in the day, she would have been on a calendar. The fucking smoking hot hotties of the fucking National Guard in the Southwest. The Playboy guy would have been all over that. A nine out of 10 gorgeous, half Caribbean, maybe 24. But she had one of the worst country stuck-up bitch attitudes. Well, dude, she sounds smoking hot already.

I have ever had, he said, one of the worst country stuck-up bitch attitudes I have ever had to tolerate. Okay, I've ever had to tolerate? Is that what you mean? All right, she fit the bill, coked up in a party at him. Oh, I don't do coked up. I don't do coked up. That takes a 10 down to a fucking minus two. See ya.

She needed to be taken down a peg, and the stars aligned to give me the opportunity organically. Why did she need to be taken down a peg? Dude, that's a waste of energy. Just walk away from the wreckage and just get on with your life. But anyway, he's going to take her down a peg, everybody. Here we go. One night, as I was on my way to work, we ended up in a brief discussion. About her college education.

You're on your way to work, and you guys were in a brief discussion, so you're commuting? You're riding in the same car? I playfully asked some questions, testing her knowledge of what she had studied, and she said to me, Why don't we go out for a few drinks after I get off work, and we can talk about it? Oh Jesus, to which I replied casually, Nah, I got better things to do, and I'm sure you do too. The look of shock on her face was priceless, and I walked away feeling like a badass. I know I probably missed out on the best sexual experience I ever would have had in my youth, but it was worth it to just for once in my life to have the willpower to say no to a beautiful woman.

Parentheses and believe me, I don't get that opportunity often. Alright, I get this, this is kind of funny. And she got a taste of her own medicine to boot. I'm nothing special and probably a jackass, but I always think fondly of that memory. Oh my God. That reminds me, I can't even remember this story. I was on the road with Joda Rosa, and there was some smoking hot woman just at the bar, it's back when I drank, and you know, running her yap had nothing to say, but she's gorgeous and no one's telling her to shut up.

And we were talking about something, and she said that we were wrong, and it somehow came down to a bet. And if we could prove that me and Jo are right versus her, she would actually buy a round. It was really Rosa destroyed her. I can't remember how this story went, but somehow she ended up being wrong. And we're like, alright, for the first time in your life, why don't you buy a round of drinks, Miss Cutie Pie? She goes, oh you don't think I will, I think I will. And she put her credit card down, and I don't know how we figured it out, but it was actually her boyfriend's credit card.

And we were able to be like, nah nah nah, we made her, we made her put her own credit card down, which she did, and she bought us a round of drinks, and when they handed us the drinks, me and Jo promptly turned around and walked away from her. And we were just, I remember we were on opposite sides of the bar, laughing our asses off, and I yelled over to Rosa. I go, how does it taste? And he did the good fellas, he goes, delicious, delicious. You know when they go over to Pesci's house and they're eating spaghetti, and they got Billy Bats in the truck. There is something funny about doing that. And then she'll survive, you know, she's smoking hot, she'll forget about it, she probably doesn't even remember it.

Anyway, and she actually came around and wasn't such a cold-hearted bitch afterward, ha ha, to me at least, so it all worked out in the end. Yeah, well there you go, you learned a valuable lesson. There's some chicks that just so hot that you almost have to be a dick to them to kind of zap them out of like, you know, because I think that taps into the fact that they kind of know that eventually their looks are going to go, and they're really leaning on them. So I think that's a scary moment, like, oh wait a minute, I'm getting rejected here. Does this mean like, you know, it's the beginning of the end for me, you know, like an athlete. The first time, you know, you're in the opening and some young guy runs you down and tackles you, like, what the fuck man, I was a touchdown. The first 10 years of my career, am I getting slower, what's going on?

Anyway, she came around, anyway, that was many years ago, and I've gotten far away from that environment. I'm not a very good writer, so thanks for hanging in there. I thought you did great. If you even read this, you're one of my heroes, Bill, and listen to your podcasts and all of your life's advice you have shared has helped me to become a better person. Well, I'll give you a better, but next time you're fucking with a half-correct Caribbean fucking cutie pie, you already got this story, so hang out with her. I'd like to thank you and all your listeners who write in to ask for advice and share your stories. I have navigated many relationship pitfalls because of your podcast. You're a gentleman and a scholar, sir.

Jesus Christ, did I write this? You're pouring it on thick. You are truly doing a public service. Thank you. I'm also, what is that? I am a public server, right? Is that what their politicians are? Is that what they call each other?

When can I get some of those fucking stock trips that they're getting? I have no idea. Anyway, here's old Billy Ball game who couldn't pick a fucking goddamn rigged fight at this point. I think I just got a feeling TCU is going to win. I don't think they're going to cover. I just think they're going to outright win. And for the fuck of it, I'm going to put some money on TCU. It's weird.

I'm going to put some money on TCU, but I'm going to be rooting for Georgia. All right. I've liked the Bulldogs since Herschel Walker. Okay. And I like the Georgia Bulldogs so much that I don't give a fuck that Herschel Walker ran for office and said some crazy shit. I don't give a fuck. To me, he's Herschel Walker.

Heisman Trophy winner. I believe in his sophomore season. He's a New Jersey general. He's a Dallas cowboy. He's at Minnesota Viking. Right? I love how they blamed him because they had no fucking team up there and their owner made the worst fucking trade of all time.

Worst fucking trade of all time. You guys, you want to read about that trade. They traded Herschel Walker for fucking 10 bums. And everybody thought that the fucking Vikings got the better part of the deal, but there was a clause in the contract that if Jimmy Johnson cut any player, he would, every player that he cut, he'd get a Minnesota Viking draft pick. It's the stupidest thing ever. So they signed the deal and then Jimmy looked at him going, you know, I'm going to cut all

those players, right? They're like, Jimmy, you wouldn't do that. He goes, I'm absolutely I would. And he cut him. He got like fucking 10 draft picks. All right. The Vikings stunk. They blamed Herschel Walker and was that goddamn ownership.

Then Jimmy Johnson. Okay. Not only does he make the fucking deal, you know, not only was that shrewd. He then takes those 10 draft picks and I think he went eight out of 10. It seemed like probably five of them were Hall of Famers. He absolutely crushed it. And that's what was the last Dallas Cowboys dynasty. And now you know the rest of the story.

All right. That's it, everybody. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Happy extended new year, everybody. Let's all have a good one. Let's be nice to each other. Let's not be constant.

Let's hope we all do as well in the stock market as our representatives out there who are public servants, right? That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Yeah.