Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-11

Episode Date: October 11, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Socialites, The Bearded Baby, and the Bruins

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members will be free to buy a warm meal for adults. Ikea Ikea 2011

Alright, I finally learned how to say it. It only took you 10 months, buddy! It took me 10 months to figure out how to say that shit. And you probably wanted to be like, well, Bill, who told you? Were you down at a coffee shop with your legs crossed, a pair of shorts on, wearing a tweed jacket? Somebody came walking over.

Excuse me, the proper one to show you. No! I actually... Last night I watched the... I had recorded the Boston Bruins play in the Philadelphia Flyers! The first game of the season, because I wanted to watch them raise the Stanley Cup banner.

And you could tell the Bruins had won one in a long time, because the fucking ceremony to raise that thing was almost as long as the drought. It was awesome. They dragged out every fucking... Coming up next to speak, we got Kenny Linsman, the rat! We got from these very Philadelphia Flyers.

Way back in 1983, we carried them for fucking who gives a shit. Um... They skated around with the cup, because when we won it, we did it in Vancouver. Dude, you see in Vancouver, they had the fucking riots, dude. What the fuck?

It's just a game, right, kid? Um... So anyways, they actually talked about it when they were announcing all the Bruins Stanley Cups. I can't even remember the years. They were like, they first won in 1926, they won their second one in 1939,

then in 1941, and of course the Bobby Orr years, 1970, 1972, and now, for the first time in 39 years, in 2011! And the fucking light went off in my head. I'm like, oh, that's how you say it. Which is great, because I have a high society party

that I'm going to later on this week. I don't know about you guys, I don't know if you've realized, you know, my comedy career is going alright, and I'm starting to be invited to socialite parties. You know, which is just a bunch of people in there who have nothing to say, and they drink drinks with their little fingers sticking out,

and I'm starting to go to those parties. You know, socialites are famous in France. What the fuck? No, no, not socialites. What the fuck are they? Just people who are smart and want to comment on shit. What do you call those people? What's a socialite? You know what a socialite is?

That's some fucking whore who was good looking, right? And when she was done blowing her fucking math teacher so she could graduate, she went out and fucking married a guy who was in his 50s, who was going to be some sort of senator. That's what a socialite is, right? Oh, I know, you're that hard of you, bangs that guy who's fucking 30 years older than you,

and then you guys got married, had a couple of kids, right? That's you. You're a fucking socialite. Now you're going to walk around and pick out the drapes at the fucking White House. Oh, yeah? What do you think about global warming? Oh, go fucking blow some. Because you're a whore.

Oh, what, you're not really? So you're telling me that old fucking debt? Well, let me finish. Let me finish. You're telling me, well, of course you're not going to let me finish because you know what I'm going to say and you know I'm right. Ah, with the tears, stop it. How old are you? You're letting your best years go by, okay? And you're cashing in love to be in this old dusty fucking mansion

here on Pennsylvania Avenue. Isn't that what you're doing here? So you can do what? Nice pair of shoes. What do you think about when you go down on that old man? How do you block out those salt and pepper pubes just coming at you like you're watching fucking pubic avatar? How do you do that, lady?

Lady! How do you do that? Okay, I'm trying to help. I know you think I'm crass. I don't give a fuck. The world rejected my sperm, lady. Okay? Well, that means you should listen to me.

You should listen to me because I'm going to tell you the fucking truth. I got nothing to lose. I don't. Have you even considered blowing me since I first walked in here? Well, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying, okay? You need to fucking dump this guy. And you need to go back and talk to that fucking

guy you went to high school with who now works down at the mobile station and goes, would you like me to check your oil? Not trying to intrude in your life, but I think he needs some more wiper blades. That guy made your heart go pitter-patter. Fucking socialite. You put your pussy on the table to live in an old house. It's just as long as everybody watched.

The fuck is wrong with you? That's what a socialite is, everybody. That was kind of nice, wasn't it? It's like a little soap opera, except nobody died and came back. Right now you should be asking yourself, Bill, why do you got that raspy sound in your voice? I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you why, because I have one thing and one thing only in my stand-up comedy writer. Isn't that a big thing for all you people? All you people who aren't in show business, all you lesser people, you know, who every once in a while show business tips our hats to, and we go, you know who the real heroes are? Those guys out there collecting the trash. Those are the real heroes.

Those guys who get up, you know, anonymously and put in an honest eight-hour work, work week, you know, when they do that shit. Let me ask you this, are you dumb enough to believe that? Do you think those politicians who tell you that shit are those showbiz phonies like myself? We actually mean that shit? We don't, we don't look at you guys like that.

You know, we look at you, we look at you the same way Ray Liotta's character looked at you when Goodfellas. Remember that? That was for, what did he, what did he call you guys? You fucking lunch pail motherfuckers. What did he call you? What is wrong? Can I have more self-sabotage?

I'm literally trashing 98%, but you know what? I'm fucking right. Nobody, when they were a kid, fantasized, someday I'm gonna work in a cubicle. And right as I'm sitting there, you know, trying to make it a little more homey in there, some douchebag was gonna lean on the thing just like in that movie office.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to work Saturday. Nobody, nobody dreamed about that, right? So what do you do? You go out, you get married, bang out a couple of kids, and you're filled with such love that that love somehow beats down the misery of your fucking day job.

That's the ultimate goal, that you could actually get married, have kids, fill that love for your kids while also having your fucking dream job. You know? You know what happens when you achieve that level of happiness? A fucking safe falls on your head. I think cause you, God just kills you.

He kills you. You know why? Cause you figured out life. Which is, I think that's your test. Your test here from the fucking guy in the sky. You know, the old guy with the fucking bearded baby son that he just fucking, I don't know what he did. He fucking side-armed it into fucking Mary's Ahuha.

Like Kent DeCulvey, my favorite baseball reference ever. He just threw it in there. That's what he did. He did a, what would you call it? He did like a, what do they call that? Immaculate fucking Bukaki. He fucking, you remember when Dave Parker

threw that fucking guy out from the warning track? Was it at the All-Star game? He was at the warning track. Three Rivers! Three Rivers Stadium! Right? He fucking took the ball from the warning track and just threw it.

And this ball was like six feet off the ground the entire way, which is impossible if you know anything about physics and gravity. Well Bill actually, no matter how fast he threw it, immediately that object is going to start to drop. I know, but whatever. It looked like it was six feet fucking high. The entire way through a frozen fucking rope

strike right to the catcher and nailed the runner coming in. That's what God did. With his supreme baby-making stuff and he just, you know, off the barn, past the yak, off the goat's horn, nothing but veg.

And you wonder why I'm not on iTunes anymore. I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy theory. This is some sort of podcast censorship. Yeah, when you figure out life, God kills you. How funny would it be if I was a guest speaker at a fucking church

and I somehow flimflam my way in there. I came to town in a sky blue fucking suit with brown cowboy boots and some sort of white frilly, not a frilly shirt, like a western shirt. And then I had one of those western ties, you know, like Sam Houston War down there in the fucking Alamo.

Come on, keep coming, you fucking south of the border, motherfuckers. You can kill us, but you can't kill Whitey because he's coming over in them boats. Oh, really? We'll figure out how to make a chalupa. You don't scare me.

I didn't know what I'm talking about this week. Yeah, once you figure out life, God kills you. That's basically what happens. You know? Happens to all my Stevie Ray Vaughn, figured out life. You know, he fucking, he got sober. He's telling everybody else to get sober

and he starts singing about little baby's laughter, right? All of a sudden he figured it out. God's like, alright, he passed the test. Time to go up to fucking Utopia. That's what I think happens. You know, and you know what the great thing about that theory is, is there's at least nine million examples of why it isn't true. And right there, that makes a Bill Burr theory fucking airtight,

just for the simple fact that I love to argue. But doesn't it seem like that? Sam Kinnison figured it out, got sober, was fucking doing the right thing. I'm not doing drugs, I'm fucking doing my shit. And God was just like, alright, you figured it out. Come on in. So, you know, something, all this shit that I've talked about religion,

maybe that's why I keep fucking my life up, because I know the day I figure it out, I got a safe that's gonna land on my head. Although my head's so big, I think I could, he'd have to drop two of them. He'd have to do those, he'd have to drop one of those safes, you know, the ones that you can like walk into. Oh, you can't even tell me that you don't,

why don't you want to own one of those and have those in your house, behind your desk, just one of those ones, you know, where you fucking turn the handle down and it opens up like the double doors, like one of those big old houses that those socialite whores live in. And this is the foyer, right?

And all our resentful slut friends are showing up, going, why did I blow his senator? Why did I choose love, right? And then they start fucking resenting their fucking socialite girlfriend, they start looking at their fucking guy that they truly love, who opened a hardware store

and they start resenting him and they start skipping around town with some JR Hewing guy, right? And then they blow up the whole marriage, they marry the fucking guy, and they get some old fucking house that some slave owner used to be and it's considered a great man

because his name is on the fucking Declaration of Independence, right? And they get some pepper pews, bang, bang, bang, coming against them, right? Then one day they finally, they just, they got a boost. They gotta numb themselves up and then one day they realize this is bullshit. Then they go back to their other boyfriend

or husband or whatever. I was so wrong, I choose, I chose money and salt and pepper pews over my true love for you, right? And the second you get back together, I love you, I love you too. You me and this El Camino, that's all I fucking need.

What happens? Fucking train comes by, kills them both. Everybody says it's a tragedy. No, you fucking figured it out. You figure out life, you die. You figure out life, you die. You figure out life, you die. You figure out life, you die.

Oh god, what am I talking about? So anyways, you're probably wondering, why Bill? Why the fuck? You know, it's a goddamn shame is how few people are gonna hear this fucking podcast because of those demons who are there at iTunes. You know?

Those motherfuckers. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna create my own iTunes. You know? Called B-Tunes. Right? BB-Tunes. Only for cool people. How much does this sound like a stoner conversation? You know we should do, man. We should just like come up

with our own iTunes, right? And it like doesn't cost any money, man. And everybody just hangs out. Then we can come friends with ACDC, man. Speaking of which, the level of fucking respect that I have for Malcolm Young

of ACDC and Angus. You know, if you really listen to what those guys are doing, the way they start off a song, the way they build it and then the way they just draw back

and punch you in the fucking face musically, sonically with their guitars is fucking unbelievable. And, uh, for those of you who don't play guitar or whatever, I'm telling you, if you just want to see it, there's these two kids who actually

they, I call them kids. They're fucking young adults, but I'm an old man. Hey, kid, get over here. Come over here, you whippersnapper. I'm 23. Um, they, they actually do a cover like back in black, which it's just fucking

it's just fucking amazing. They're really good players, too. And just watching like the kid with the big orange gratch guitar, he's playing the Malcolm part and the other kid with the SG's doing the, uh, the Angus part and they play back in black and the palm mutes and just all the little fucking shit.

You know, a lot of people think what they do is easy. Because when you get a guitar, you can kind of fake it when you first get it, but then you really break down what the fuck it is that they're doing and the genius and the fucking ability

to write a song with three chords that is going to make 80,000 people absolutely lose their shit that's going to go through the fucking chest of somebody who at that point is realistically sitting about a quarter of a mile away from your fucking amplifier

and they're going to be in the back row getting goose bumps. The fucking ability to do that. I still don't think that those guys have gotten the fucking recognition that that they do. I don't, I don't know what it, I don't know why. But I have to tell you this

now that I've gone on to YouTube and I've just fucking devoured every ACDC, I know I've talked about this before, video that I've ever seen um the next time they do a world tour, I'm going to go see those guys down in South America

I'm going to see them down, I don't know where, somewhere down there because I am like embarrassed at the crowd that I was, and I was part of the problem I was standing there like, you know, I'm old man, I can't jump around, but I totally appreciate what's going on

fucking here at the LA Forum legendary play, Zeppelin play there these other people, you know and when I saw the way the crowd act and like fucking Argentina or something where it was just like 80,000 people in unison fucking jumping up

and down, the rush that that must give the band, they must feel like they're doing a matinee when they came to the fucking place I was at, we would it was embarrassing so I am, I am at some point going to fucking go back

to my Rosetta Stone Spanish, and I'm going to learn how to speak that shit, because for some reason I think if I'm fluent in Spanish I can go down to South America with that South America why did that just pop in my head

remember that fucking song that David Bowie and Mick Jagger did dancing in the streets and they were rubbing their asses together and they were yelling all the fucking places different countries out and then Mick Jagger goes South America

and it made me like the stones a little bit less anyways, I figure if I can go down there to South America I would fucking if I could speak the language I could talk my way out of being kidnapped you know

you ever watch that show, Arrested Abroad Abroad you ever seen that shit, fucking people go down well I think you don't think I'm going to do this martial artist guy I think I'm going to fucking ride a motorcycle from here to the tip of South America you know and guess what happens

it gets like a third of the way there he goes left on fucking Venezuelan instead of right on fucking chalupa, right next thing you know he's there a bunch of fucking gorillas and they're just looking at like is this like entrapment there's no way it's this easy

did a fucking white guy in a goddamn Vespa just turned down this dirt road in the middle of the fucking rainforest is there a fucking death squad behind this guy you know what, I just figure if you actually spoke the language instead of these people walking around right

cause that's what Spanish sounds like to a white man like me until you fucking break it down I just think that that would be good to be laying in the tent going dude we're not going to fucking kill this guy right now we're going to kill him tomorrow instead of it sounding like and then maybe you could figure out how to get out of there

see that's what I do so like you know what I've always wanted to do I want to go to the to the the Galapagos Islands I want to go down there I want to stare at a lizard, I want to see what I want to see what it looked like

before we came in and fucked everything up you know which by the way reminds me if I think one of the most brilliant fucking analogies I've ever heard I don't know where I saw this but Joe Rogan has a bit and it's on YouTube so I don't feel like

I saw him at a club and I'm burning a new joke I saw it on fucking YouTube he did a bit about how he was flying in a plane and he was looking out looking at all the trees, all the lakes, all this beautiful nature and then he came to some major city and just started seeing all the houses and all the buildings

and he compared human beings he said we're like a fungus and I'm not going to do the rest I'll butcher it but I was it's just fucking brilliant it's exactly it so I want to go down to the Galapagos Islands basically as Rogan puts it

to get away from the fungus I just want to see what did it look like before we made all these advancements you know I know I'm a part of the problem so anyways but in order to go there I think you have to go through Colombia

or Venezuela you know those places down there you know instead of having like they have like Pablo Francisco Boulevard I mean I'm not going down that street as a god damn redheaded white man

hey how are ya who would like to kidnap me first and hold me for ransom you know you know when they say you got to watch out who you fucking hang out with that's one of those times you really have to watch out who you hang out with because if you hang out with a bunch of fucking losers

and you get kidnapped and they start demanding money for you that's going to be a rough one if you ever think you're going to see the light of day which brings me actually to one of the first questions I wanted to answer this week somebody asked me for advice a fellow redhead

let me see here Bill I'm relatively new to the podcast I'm listening to ah Jesus Christ this isn't the one this isn't the one I wanted to read you fucking idiot Bill you were doing so well in the podcast

everything was going well what a fuck is it kid was fucking no no not now you know what hang on one second I'm going to hit pause here I gotta read this hold on a second this podcast has been too good up to this point let's have a moment like this right

although some people like it don't you dude when your podcast sucks I think that's like the best part um no no hang on and through the magic of the pause button I'm back here we go so fellow redhead who happens to be short two drawbacks to getting

laid with the question dude what has happened to fucking redheads with their self esteem if you're a fucking guy you can look like a troll as long as you're funny you got some charisma you got a little bit of money if you're doing shit in life okay

let me tell you something if you're a fuck I don't want to I don't want to do it that way because it's too mean I was going to flip I was going to flip it there I'm not going to do that I was going to say like looks guys give a fuck about looks women want security they don't want you to be a fucking mess

but I'm telling you there becomes a point where you can offer such security that you're uh you're going to get a hearty alright so stop being a bunch of pussies dragging me down with you you fucking assholes Jesus Christ there's people born without fucking the legs

you know you hear them bitchin um oh I can't get a tan no one's going to want to fuck me um alright let's plow ahead uh Bill at what point do you tell your asshole friend to go fuck himself hahahaha

oh I love this question he says is there a way to make it permanent without seem seeming like the bigger asshole I hate not addressing issues directly and like the the clean break and I like the clean break

like telling an ex-girlfriend you are a whore now kindly leave the premises um however telling my friend who has grown into a sanctimonious holier than now ultra-liberal douche he's not worth my time on this planet will potentially make my social life

difficult since we are in the same circle of friends isn't this stuff this is one of the most fascinating things about male relationships that a lot of people don't talk about is when you have an unhealthy one with one of your friends and you literally have

to break it off like you're breaking up with the chick which makes it even more awkward because then it feels like kind of gay on some level and most guys you know not they were just not good with like uh you know sitting down and discussing feelings

like I don't feel good about myself when I'm around you I can't say that you gotta be like dude you're a fucking dick go fuck yourself that's basically the level of it so I kind of know what this guy's going through hey Bill I got an idea why don't you shut the fuck up

read the rest of the letter and let this guy tell us what he's going through okay that's a good point um however telling my friend who has grown into a sanctimonious blah blah blah I said that the other friends that I share with this guy do not see this side of him

you're really sounding like a battered wife right now like what he slaps you around verbally and then you guys go out in public as you stare at the floor and everybody thinks he's what the greatest guy ever and you're just shy just getting kind of sad um anyways he goes

he hides it except when I'm just hanging out with him at the bar this is kind of making you sound like a psycho to put this in his perspective here some examples of the douche baggery the fact that you use douche baggery just redeemed you um that I see from him one random Joe Sixpack

throws his cigarette onto the street my douche bag friend will go out of his way to pick the cigarette butt up and tell Joe Sixpack hey you dropped something asshole and proceed to bitch and moan like the cunt he is even though the fucker my friend

drives a Hummer um you know yeah but the Hummer you know it's not leaking oil all over the place there's nothing wrong with driving a Hummer there really isn't there's just too many people doing it it's the population it's not the cars alright

I used to joke about that there was 8 people on the fucking planet we could all drive tanks number 2 politics his opinion is right everyone else is stupid number 2 that he hates on politics his opinion is right everyone else is stupid and wrong

done end the story number 3 he tells really bad jokes that do not make sense or have context which he then proceeds to laugh uproarsely at 4 gives unwanted advice regarding my job that he has never done has no knowledge of and still assumes my 13 years of

experience are of no value because of an article he once read Forbes magazine 5 cheats on his girlfriend and justifies it by saying she just suck my dick I mean that's it so he says what do you do I'm leaning towards the go fuck yourself and leave me

be approach and let my friends see what an ego maniac this guy is thoughts on if it's better if there's a better way thanks um oh Jesus you said something up here earlier that kind of stuck out

um is there a way to make it permanent without seeming like the bigger asshole yeah there's a way to do that and the way to do it is when you tell this guy to fuck off is you don't tell him to fuck off you just lay it on the line

you just say listen you know your your your opinions on politics are are just it's overbearing you know you screaming at people you know I don't know this guy enough to put it eloquently

um I don't know the worst thing to do is just be like dude I think you're a douche go fuck yourself then you will seem like an asshole you know I don't even know how to do this I had a situation like this a long time ago there was a friend of mine he was just a fucking

he just kept smoking weed kept smoking weed every fucking this wasn't guy you know smoke weed whatever and then fucking showed up to work on time this guy went to work high and fucked up okay just like an Alki you know you can have a couple you know you can get drunk on the weekends but you know Monday through Friday

you're stone sober I don't think you have a drinking problem you just like to drink same thing with weed you know after work you fucking take a couple of toks you giggle at the fucking news you go to sleep who gives a shit right but when it starts fucking with your life and you start flunking drug tests and you start losing jobs

you know and your wife's threatening to leave you right that type of shit I don't know what did I end up doing I just uh I just kind of stopped returning calls is what I did which is probably I don't know like a pussy way

you know what it was is I was so angry at the dude that I knew that if we actually had the discussion I was gonna say something really fucked up so that's how I handled it because I have a ridiculous temper and uh

one of the things about having a temper is that a lot of times what it is is as see all this shit is happening to you he's doing all this shit and are you calling him out on any of it I mean if you already still a cunt then this guy's one of the

biggest cunts ever but like sometimes like somebody's doing something and that annoys you and you don't bring it up and when you don't bring it up then when they start to do something else that wouldn't really have annoyed you you're already uh you know it's like someone just slapped you in the side of the face so your face is already

stinging and then they slap you again it's gonna hurt even more so it starts to exaggerate everything that they're doing you literally sound like some some fucking chicken relationship who wants to hit her fucking husband in the back of the head with the frying pan and he has no clue no idea so uh

yeah this guy sounds like a dick he definitely sounds like a dick uh you know what I would do with this guy I just stop hanging out with him hey what are you doing today you're doing nah I'm busy that's kind of passive aggressive

I maybe just tell him to say listen dude I don't know what it is about you but I just really don't like you anymore I just don't you're a dick you know you fuck around your girlfriend good for you go fuck around don't know why you gotta drag me into it why do I have to know about it

now I look at your girlfriend when she shows up now I gotta figure out like which part of her face I'm gonna stare at instead of looking her in the eye you're dragging me into it you know you're telling me how to do my job you're a moron you don't know what you're talking about all your bullshit

you just you just fucking annoying yeah why do you care dude you don't even like this guy you know what's weird is that whole situation just really made me uncomfortable you know I've definitely had like fallen out with people but I've never like literally sat down as a guy

and broke up with another guy because that's that's literally what you're doing listen listen Harry I don't want to see you anymore this relationship isn't working out for me that's basically what you're saying this is hilarious this is a really

like sex in the city moment here it's not working out for you you're not your needs aren't being met he doesn't look you in the eye anymore with tenderness when he asks you what you want when he's going up to buy a round of beers yes he like this this is like something

that guys were I don't know if it's not socially acceptable why is it making me so uncomfortable to even talk about this um you know what forget everything I said I think that the way guys do it is the way you should do it just say listen uh you know what you're a fucking dick

you're a dick go fuck yourself go fuck yourself and that's it you have a big fight with him and then you know when he calls you don't not take his calls just pick up the phone yeah hey what's up listen yeah it sounds like fun but you know

what I I still think you're a dick tell you what I'll call you when I don't think you're a douche bag anymore how about that oh you're gonna yell at me now well this is the greatest thing about being on the phone with a douche click and that that's it how about that

Jesus it only took me 10 minutes you know it's funny I make it funny but I know I know what that's like that like being friends with a guy like that a guy like that is funny in your college years but as you get older um considering you said you had a job for 13 years doing something even

if you're right out of high school 18 years you're you're in your 30s so a guy like this you can't hang out with a guy like that anymore um yeah he's a fucking loser and being a loser is contagious the same way

being successful is if you hang out with successful people you know you get dragged up if you hang out with fucking losers they're a goddamn anchor around your neck and they drag you down to the bottom the next thing you know you're hanging out at that bar you know that sports bar and you go in there right

just like cheers you know that's what that short cheers really taught you taught you how to be a fucking loser making your way in the world today thanks to everything you got right you can walk in it hey norm

everybody's happy to see you well you like to get away and they had the failed athlete and rather than he couldn't make the jump from high school to fucking college they actually you know he actually played for the red sucks like actually successful

not right there is where you know it's a tv show that was just a bunch of losers avoiding their personal lives and their shortcomings and they would go down there and they would just fucking we'll all go down together right at some point

you got you got to get out of the bars you got to get out of there because what happens is first you go to the bars because you want to get laid you know how to talk to the broads everybody's fucking nervous so everybody drinks

you know you get to get uninhibited they turn the music up so nobody can hear your awful fucking opening lines and then you drag a couple of skanks out of there and you know you end up getting crabs right so you know what I mean

bars are for young people and then what happens is you get older now you're this older guy and you start thinking like dude am I like too old to be going hey what's your major it's only five six years when I'm 56 she'll be 50 it's not that bad you start lying to yourself and then all of a sudden

the years start flying by then you're 35 and it's fucking ridiculous because when you first started going to that bar that person that you're hitting on was was sitting down mom mom look look I can do a a b c d e f g

right they're trying to fuck that and it just gets worse every year and the smart people and the people who aren't like emotionally damaged and came from good backgrounds they're basically leaving

you know what the bar is that's like the fucking NFL draft for regular people you know when all the good ones get taken in like the first round first couple of rounds that's your 20s then you go into your 30s first round

start looking at some people from Appalachian state you know some chicks Jesus Christ she came from the foothills of she grew up with some rednecks her dad had a meth problem but yeah she got nice tits right so what I'm saying is dude I think I think you're at a point in your life

you're at a point in your life you want to get out of the bars you want to stop hanging out with shithead so I would just say just do that where do the smart people hang out is it wine bars what do smart people do actually you know most of what I just said was bullshit there's a lot of people that get scared

they get scared in the first two rounds you know they start believing in the person who won the fucking heisman trophy like they're gonna pan out you know what do they do they end up with fucking ryan leaf with a vagina then they have a couple of fucking kids thinking that that's gonna make it better and they don't know

they don't know then they just implode the whole fucking team if I said anything that's made sense for the last 20 minutes anything at all you want to move on to another question oh absolutely oh by the way by the way

this time next week I will not be here in this country I'm gonna be when you hear my podcast next week I'll be talking about the gig I did in London the night before I have my big fancy European trip that I'm taking I'm gonna be in London, England

and the show is fucking sold out I'm psyched the Leicester Square Theatre I sold out a show on the other side of the planet actually technically not the other side of the planet it's probably like a third of the planet away

that's gotta be about 50% of the way there right any math geeks out there configure that math up and after I go to London then I go on to basically Hitler's summer tour you know like if he actually won the war

and he wanted to summer he would go to Copenhagen, Oslo Helsinki and Stockholm, Sweden that's like his Fort Lauderdale Cancun once they keep getting white on you and I am gonna feel

uglier as I go along if I go to London I'm gonna feel like a movie star there you know those people are they fucking booze they don't lift weights they just have those straight arms they have the beer bellies

and then they wear tight shirts occasionally they'll brush their teeth why would I do that they all bought tickets why would I fucking do that no I'm beyond excited to go back over there I'm not liking the flight

it's because I'm taking my fucking lady it's gonna be awesome I'm not sweating the London gig I know I could do well in Sweden because I was there before I'm just nervous about the English speaking abilities this is what it is at this point

I think Norway's gonna sell out or Finland's gonna sell out and then the other one I've only sold like 60 tickets so I gotta make some fucking videos this week to go on to fucking Scandinavian

fucking internet over there I don't know what I have to do here but anyways oh let's talk sports here so anyways I'm really excited about that other than the flight over there so I ponyed up so I'm actually gonna fucking lose money because this is something I haven't mentioned

I am carpet bombing over there my DVD I'm bringing a ton of DVDs out there and I'm basically giving them away when I'm over there and your job should you choose to accept it because I'm only doing this once is to take these DVDs

you take these sons of bitches and you show them to all your motherfucking friends come to my hospital have a party and pop my fucking DVD and alright show it to them and say this is a funny fucking American and next time I come there maybe there'll be 70 people

oh fuck anyways let's plow ahead um let's talk sports this week I'm actually really concerned I'm really concerned I've had my heart broken okay because I told you during that epic Red Sox

collapse everything great about it was for the first time since game three of the 2004 ALCS I actually saw Yankee fans they all came out of the woodwork hey don't

trip over Paul Revere's foot when you're choking on your baked beans all those fucking horrific unfunny fucking texts tweets some comedian friends of mine he has not I know I see him in clubs

but haven't talked sports in fucking seven years they all come out of the woodwork you know and as much as it sucked it took to take the shit I sat there and I took it but I was like but you know the bright side hey I got to reconnect with a bunch of people I haven't seen in a long time well you know what

in one week the New York Yankees lost to the Detroit Tigers in the divisional playoff series of Jets yesterday lost to the New England Patriots and guess what all my New York friends

they all disappeared again no texts no phone calls no nothing I mean the Patriots beat the Jets it's almost been 24 hours 24 hours have gone by I think officially at this point I can start submitting a missing

person's report right it's fucking unreal listen I'm not talking about you cunts who send me emails or any of that type of shit on the podcast because I talk shit you know because it's funny it gets you guys going and then you guys send me shit

you trash me and it fuels the podcast I mean I do it by myself it's a very small operation here so I need the input from you guys but basically in my personal life all that shit that I do I don't do that shit like Paul Verzi is a big time Yankee fan I didn't give him shit he didn't give me shit

I just don't do that because then you have like the sports bar is like in your life and you can't fucking escape it and I'd rather sit there and try and figure out why it happened rather than listening to people going like hey next time

you have a hero I hope there's not a fucking tiger in it because they're fucking dying right that stupid shit that sports talk radio moron who calls up like I can't deal with that shit so one of these guys

one of these sports talk radio morons had called me up and I'm sitting there trash and I'm going dude you haven't called me since game 3 to call me now this is just gay this is ridiculous what are you doing I don't even buy

is this you or is this your girlfriend do you tie your jersey off at the waist what are you doing here I only hear from you I was shut up I only hear from you when the sun shined I said it to this guys you know I go you never around when all of a sudden your teams lose

you always fucking disappear right so he's like oh yeah you wait Jets are playing the Patriots you're gonna hear from me after that one son you're gonna hear from me after that game son Patriots beat the Jets guess who I didn't hear from Yankees lose to the Tigers

guess who hasn't text me guess who went back into fucking hiding it's unbelievable I have other friends where we talk shit all the fucking time but they're around you know they're there in 0-4 when that team loses they're there when the Giants beat the Patriots

they're there when the fucking Bruins win the Stanley Cup they're fucking there we break each other's balls it's fine these other people do you guys have friends like that you just haven't heard from them for fucking years and that team finally wins it's the fucking

most pussiest fucking move ever ever but I gotta tell you I feel I feel vindicated on everything I said about fucking Mark Sanchez alright I told you who that guy was

I told you where that guy was in the fucking quarterback I'm doing it I'm saying dude I called it anybody sitting there freaking out cause he has like a fucking 700-600-700 win percentage it's like it's cause of his defense now look

last year there was no salary cap and the Jets went all out totally respect that got all these fucking guys now there's a salary cap now they're not what they were alright and this game manager is exactly what that's what he is he manages the fucking game

he does not have an ability like the superstars of the league to take over a fucking game one of those guys despite the fact despite his supporting cast he still fucking willed them that's what makes a fucking superstar alright

and like I said last week that's why people can't stand New York because you mother fuckers you scratch your ass and in New York you become a superstar it's fucking ridiculous and I'm sick of it and having said all that before I get any shit I realize that the Red Sox are just as bad as the New York Yankees

and I would never argue with and I can even tell you when that moment happened it happened when we signed Eric Gagnier in September of 2007 I didn't even watch that World Series we became you know it's funny we got Gagnier and then he went in and he started blowing all these saves and I thought it was fucking hilarious on some level

did you Bill what else did you think ah fuck this is like a movie that starts off awesome and then it just fucking I like the beginning and then I don't know I just thought it fucking faded away there was something else I wanted to read here ah Jesus and this guy had underrated overrated

he had all these things what happened to it what happened to it where is where is it right here it's not there is it right here question from a fan I got it Bill I'm relatively new to the podcast this is actually an interesting question so let me start smoking a pipe

and cross my legs here to show you that this is actually interesting why are all these feathers coming out of this fucking comforter cause it's old anyways plow ahead here Bill I'm relatively new to the podcast so I'm listening to back episodes now

and I love your work thanks for entertaining us I am the same age as you so I completely relate understand and remember many of the things you recount from childhood question do you always speak the way that you do on the podcast and in your stand up do you tone it down

when you're around yours or your girlfriend's family I noticed that many people who write to you write the way you speak it seems a little forced but I enjoy hearing other listeners talk about issues and question I wonder if they speak that way all the time this guy's really going colombo I just gotta wrap my head around this

do you speak this way of course I don't sometimes I do and when I do I get into fights you know that's a good question do I oh look when I'm around my mom I obviously don't say I won't even say the word I don't drop the C word

when I fucking go to church you know the few times a year I go there I don't curse or try not to maybe a few times during one of the stories I'll be like oh jeez you know I'll do stuff like that but I don't um

yeah no I don't this podcast is completely over the top it's completely you know what the fuck I said earlier can you get that stuff about the uh the kentakov thing I mean that's fucking ridiculous I don't speak that way

um but I do curse a lot and I grew up around everybody cursed where I was from everybody cursed we just we just did it yeah you stop your toe you fucking said you dropped the F word and every once in a while hey hey hey watch your mouth but other than

that no so do I speak this way yes and no I have a few places where I don't speak that way if I go to church I won't I'm not that big of a dick just because I don't believe it I'm gonna go there and ruin it for somebody else you don't believe it why'd you show up

if you showed up then shut your face I respect that you know what I mean that's kind of like when you uh like those corporate gigs hey you want to come down here and stand on a picnic table and do stand up with no microphone in front of our company no

I don't we'll give you seven zillion dollars okay and then you go down there and because you're standing there you just stand on stage or the picnic table and bitch about how the gig sucks it's like well then don't take the fucking money that's how I look at going to church I'm not gonna go there

and ruin it for other people and I gotta you know I don't think people who uh go to church really listen to this podcast and if you do that's your fault right you like that I blame you um anyways overrated uh airplane aisle seats

why would you want to constantly get bumped by people's asses and the drink cart drink cart throughout the flight I'll take a window seat where I can curl up against the side of the cabin as far away as possible from the damn stinky person sitting next to me dude I really gotta

I gotta give you that one because that's what I was thinking when I came back from uh came back from Dallas Texas I had a great weekend out there by the way great weekend as you can tell with my raspy voice you know I have a raspy voice did I talk about this yet

the one thing that I have in my rider is that they didn't get me on my little fucking throat coat T the motor oil for my throat they didn't get it that's all I have get me the organic throat coat T that's all I have in my rider and that little sought off son of a bitch

Jeffrey out there at the club couldn't get it done he did the ol oh smack to the forehead the first night oh jeepers creepers Friday night ah I knew I forgot something

Saturday night he doesn't even show up I had a fucking oh you know what I went to the cotton ball I went come on Tasey I went out there to the I almost forgot to talk about this the UT Oklahoma game it was fucking unbelievable even though

it was a total blowout in Oklahoma kicked the shit out of the University of Texas it's fucking unbelievable okay and I'm going to tell you right now sports fans on the east coast by the east coast I mean north of Washington DC

all you motherfuckers out there like myself who look down on college sports because college sports for the most part basically suck in the New York area Boston area Philly there's nobody good there every once in a while maybe in the 80's St. John's Villanova

the basketball teams were good right Boston College Eagles with Doug Flutie we've had our moments but in general even like our stadiums they're just little fucking things out there you know I think even if you go to a BC Eagle game you can still see the dorm rooms in the parking lot

that's when you know like like you're watching a less than prolific fucking college program is when they line up for the field goal and you just watching like you know like a freeway like Dr. Traylor's going by there's always like grass

or part of your stadium is lawn seats I think that's when you know but anyways east coast fans of football you owe it to yourself at some point just pick one of those games go to Michigan Ohio State go to Oklahoma

University of Texas go to LSU Alabama LSU Florida go down to the swamp go to a Florida Gator's game go to one of those big ass fucking gangs put some money on the game and I'm telling you

it's absolutely insane um and we went to it and it was it was incredible what was driving me nuts was this one guy behind me I swear to god it's almost like going to the movies like this there's always going to be one loud person behind you do you know that shit they do in college football

like when they go to kick the ball off or like it's a critical part in the game and the uh the away team has the ball and you don't want them to be able to hear the snap count so the whole crowd's just going ahhhhhhh just yelling right

there was only one guy in my section doing that and he was right behind me and I got to give it to this guy he did it for the entire half anytime Oklahoma had the ball I mean I'm talking like as they were calling the play in they're doing hand signals

and this guy's trying to out yell hand signals he's just going ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh just screaming for an entire fucking half and I'm there with Verzi at one point

at first I just look over at Verzi we both just start laughing just going this is just funny this guy's really into it thinking there's no way that this guy is going to be able to keep this pace up it's like watching Lance Armstrong back in the day when he was winning all his tour to Francis

it's like there's no way he's going to be able to continue riding this bicycle 30 miles an hour up this fucking mountain and he always did and those little Frenchies would come over right they make him pee in a Dixie cup and then suckle the blue they couldn't find anything this guy I had to change my seat

it was fucking unbelievable and he was like leaning down ahhhhhhh okay that was just when they were calling the play in and then the guy would the quarterback would walk up to the line of scrimmage and then he'd just go up another octave ahhhhhhh

screaming in my fucking ear and I'm standing there right I already have like it's like this Texas sun is beating down on me I'm wide open so I got like I got sunblock 50 on I got this big hat on just looking like

the fucking genetically compromised jackass that I am and now I got this guy ahhhhhhh screaming in my ear and I got one finger in like my right ear because that's the side he's screaming on I look like a little old lady watching this football game

and this is one of the best things about the cotton ball when you go to that game you know it's a neutral site University of Texas is out of Austin in uh Oklahoma's Norman Oklahoma I think and there's such psychos they had to have it at a neutral site and this is how they split up

the stadium rather than having one sides Oklahoma the other side is University of Texas they split it at the 50 yard line it's the coolest fucking thing ever so they split it that way so basically if you're playing in that game

when you're listening to the crowd you could start a drive and feel like you're at a home game and then you're driving down into the teeth of it where the whole other side is the opposite uh the opposite team's fans

and all of a sudden you feel like you're in a road game and that's what it makes that was the best thing about scoring a fucking touchdown is either you running out of enemy territory into the joy of everybody going crazy welcome you home like a fucking war hero

or even better people are cheering you on and you just ran into the enemies fucking front lines and you just silence all of them and all of them I noticed that like it was pretty much Oklahoma the whole goddamn day when they would score touchdowns

down in the UT and they would just stand there staring at the crowd nodding their head I gotta tell you we saw one of them with the fucking most insane things that was at the beginning of the game they had Oklahoma comes out first you know they come running out everybody's going crazy it was disappointing

they didn't bring the chuck wagon you know but uh and we're just everybody's going nuts right the guy behind me is already screaming right fuck on you make some

noise make some noise yelling that shit right and then fucking when Texas came running out like five guys on the Sooners came running right up to them and ran along with them like doing that you know that shit that

athletes can do where they galloping sideways faster than you could drive a fucking Prius or my car right they're doing that and they're just nodding their heads talking shit and the UT players start looking at them they started talking shit dude I got the fucking chills I felt like I was gonna play

I'm like this is this game is gonna be these guys are gonna kill each other they hate each other that guy behind me I'm like this is gonna be fucking awesome and then after like a quarter and a half like UT fucking Oklahoma it was like

fucking 35 to 3 or something and all the all the Texas people were fucking bummed out half the stadium is sitting down and then the other side is going crazy and it's not like they're on the other side of the field we were sitting close to the 50 so Oklahoma fans

were like right next to us just laughing screaming at us I just say us because I was like what whatever section I'm sitting in I'm rooting for because I don't want to be a dick right there's no reason for me to take shit for no fucking reason right so they're up like

I swear to God it was like 35 maybe like 10 35 to 10 and all the Texas people just had the winds taken out of their sails this guy oh man this is just making me sick making me fucking sick right every everybody except for this one guy behind me

he's still now it's dead silence in our fucking section except for this one guy he was focused unbelievable fan I gotta give that guy 5 stars as a fan but this is the funny thing though

is at halftime he left he just he just said fuck it you know but he definitely put his time in but that's how bad the the beat down was but I gotta tell you I have not getting a sunburn down

as a redhead I went and I bought a I bought one of those t-shirts that had both the helmets on it just as a souvenir and you know the sun was on the left side of me so I just adjust my hat I just take that souvenir fucking t-shirt and I just drape it over

had it on my neck and then down down my right arm my left arm and then this fucking guy behind me just starts giving me shit he's like buddy ain't gonna matter you're gonna burn up I'm like no it isn't I go yeah you will man I go listen I go I fuck I've been a redhead

my whole life he's like you've been a redhead you whole I could kick you like you thought it was funny telling you I have it down this guy actually one of the funniest things somebody said to me because this guy came by he goes if Oklahoma keeps

scoring you're gonna have to die your beard if you're not a college football fan my beard is the same color just about as the fucking jerseys of Texas I don't know it was a fucking awesome time and it was as a sports fan it was an honor and a fucking privilege

to go see those two unbelievable programs even though you know Texas is rebuilding it's fucking awesome I totally underrated underrated professional football when you can go there and see a game like that even though it was a fucking blowout just the tradition

110 year rivalry I got to parachute in and sit there and be a part of that and to see it at that legendary stadium the Cotton Bowl which I actually read a little bit up on not to bore non-sports fans

but what's amazing was they said it's the house that Duke built which was the name of some guy who played for the SMU Mustangs who got the death penalty one of the best 30 for 30s I ever saw to get an SMU Mustangs shirt I couldn't find one of my size

that I liked I wanted that Mustang horse and just for it to say SMU but you know all the shirts are so fucking everything looks like an affliction shirt to me nowadays but anyways this guy Duke Sumpton rather played for the SMU Mustangs

was such a badass and he blew up their program that they actually made the Cotton Bowl and that's what SMU played then they moved on to the old Dallas Cowboys stadium they actually played in a professional sports stadium and then they got busted

for doing basically what every other major program was doing in Texas they got the death penalty and now they're back at their uh they just play at their campus now they got this stadium which is actually a really nice stadium but it's only like a 40,000 seater

and uh I didn't realize that SMU I just thought that was one of those that's fucking I don't want to go in the real world I'll go I'll go to fucking college I'll go to SMU I kind of judge that school by their football their football program but evidently that's like

a really ritzy school and that type of shit I don't know I'm totally into it so I think the next next year when I come out to Dallas I'm gonna go out there and catch a an SMU game at that little stadium it just look cool as hell maybe I'll get them when they're playing TCU if it actually happens

if TCU doesn't go to the big 12 the fuck am I talking about here I were in two minutes in all of a sudden I'm fucking Kurt Herp Street here um well listen that's the podcast for this week um anybody in Norway Finland anybody that

Hitler uh admired and really wanted to look like you know I'll tell you the only buddy more had more self-hatred than redheads lately all these fucking emails I'm getting from redheads is uh is Hitler right

that old blonde-haired blue-eyed what the fuck was wrong with him goddamn pansy I don't know so anyways that's where the fuck I'm going that that will never not be fucking fascinating to me that people could follow

that level of a fucking maniac have you ever seen the guy's speeches does he ever look like he just look like a fucking lunatic fucking shaking his head and his stupid hair flapping all around

you know I think I gotta learn how to speak German to see what the fuck they were listening to um anyways yeah like that's gonna happen I can't even speak I can't learn to speak Spanish and I live in Los Angeles somebody for the love of God help me you know what would be awesome is if I could learn Spanish from somebody here in LA

alright but the requirements are you gotta be a lady you gotta be a hottie nah I can't do this my girl isn't here this isn't even remotely funny uh if she was here it would be funny and then she punched me in my fucking arm but she's not here

I wanna learn it you know I figured I can do Rosetta Stone and if I just had somebody who fucking spoke Spanish and she would just shoot the shit with me I could just start off real slow you know teach me some slang cause like I don't know I can't stick with it

maybe you know what maybe I should go to the Galapagos Islands I'll go down there and I'll get kidnapped I bet I could learn it real quick then my freedom was on the line anyways that's the podcast for this week I hope you guys are listening to it I hope iTunes, I hope you'll reinstate me

whatever the hell I did I don't know what the fuck I did I don't know what your problem is do you know what it's a big big fucking internet out there okay and this this fucking guy isn't gonna wait around much longer I'll find somewhere else where I can go

I'm not gonna stick around where I'm not wanted uh that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves um all podcast listeners have been listening through the years over in Europe I hope to see you on this tour and uh show up to one of my shows you're gonna get a DVD

you're gonna get a DVD out of it and then your mission is to take that DVD and fucking you know I want to become like a uh some sort of a draw over there because it'd be great that I can go to Europe once a year get paid for being over there jump on in their little southwest airlines you know

drop in at Paris you know and just act like a fucking ignorant American let me get one of them croissants just piss them off right wouldn't that be fun alright Bill I think you overstayed you're welcome you know the big thing in show business you gotta leave

them wanting more I don't think I did that this week alright you guys are great go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact