Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-10-16

Episode Date: October 10, 2016

Bill rambles about hurricanes, robots and potato pancakes.

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Holy shit! Fall on the fucking ball! Who else yelled that? Near Knoxville, Tennessee, when that running back fumbled the ball and your quarterback is trying to, God bless him, is trying to pick the ball up. Why won't they fall on the fucking ball? Everybody's just like, oh, I can pick it up and then run with it. Just fall on the fucking thing.

It's the shape of the fucking ball too. If you fall on it, it somehow fucking squirts out. Oh, you die a thousand deaths. There's three things that have probably brought me closer as far as sports goes. Just generally speaking, week after week, like a bad cigarette or drinking fucking problem, right? The three fucking plays that get me, I don't know what gets you. I don't pretend to know who you are and I would never speak for you. However, I am willing to share with you what the fuck did I just do?

There it is, sorry. I swear to God, I can't get this fucking thing to do anything, but if I brush up against anything, the whole fucking screen disappears. You know like people who suck at playing video games? You know what I mean? If you're playing like one of those fight games and the other guy's kicking your ass, you just start fucking hitting a million of them and all of a sudden these clouds start forming around your guy and he does a little fucking, I don't know, spinning back fist with his foot,

whatever the fuck that's called, right? That's what happens to me with computers. Then you never know how you just did it. Maybe it was like, oh shit, what the fuck is that? I don't know. So anyways, the three things, how's this for controlling my ADD? I'm going to stick with this here. The three, going to get back to it.

The three fucking things that just make me die a thousand deaths is, deaths, plural. Yes. Is, because one thousand is more than one, stay on target, Bill. Stay focused. It's not falling on a fumble. Dropping, you know, catching a fucking ball, running to the end zone, returning a punt, returning a kickoff, running with the fucking, running backs rarely do this.

It's always fucking receivers and people who return kicks. I think they're called kick retards for whatever fucking reasons. Reason, I don't understand why these motherfuckers, they get to right to the goal line and then they boop, they just drop it right on the half yard line as if they bet the under. That kills me. Like how many, like you would think like the first time you saw somebody do that, you'd be like, oh my God, I'm never fucking, that's not going to be me.

I'm going to run to the back of the fucking end zone. Then I'll fucking spike it. I'll drop it. I'll do my little fucking moonwalk, whatever the fuck it is. All right. The freckled Fandango, whatever my end zone dance would be called. I don't even know what Fandango means. I just know it's an old Kevin Costa movie.

That and then finally, my favorite in yours, the prevent defense, the fucking, we'll give away the mill and we'll give them a fucking 30 yard cushion. And rather than them scoring on us on one play, they'll score in five places. But the amount of clock that they're going to eat up versus the points that they're going to score is slowly going to kill everybody in our fucking fan base. You know what I mean? It's really hard to tell the fucking voice. It's really hard to tell that I'm not through puberty yet.

It's really hard to tell like truly who is a great quarterback in the final two minutes of the game ever since the prevent defense. Cause I think back in the day, I mean, I know that they didn't want you to get behind them. They must have done some early version of it, but there was like a few guys that would go down the field, you know, your Roger Starbacks, your Terry Bradshaw's Kent Stabler, you know, but everybody else. I mean, it was like three or four guys that could do it.

And now it's just everybody in the league. Cause it did just, I swear to God, you could put, you could, I'm going to go a little mic and mic here. Tell you right now, you could put me under center during the prevent defense. I could definitely, I could complete a fucking pass as long as they didn't know that it was me, that that was not a professional quarterback, that this is actually a podcaster slash comedian slash, uh, crafter of shit jokes. You know, then of course they just play defense, you know, they blitz or whatever

the fuck they would do. But if they gave me the respect of an NFL quarterback, I could, I could dump it off. That shouldn't happen on any fucking level. So whatever I was watching that, um, the Tennessee, uh, Texas A&M game, what a fucking game, you know, I want to say that Tennessee shot themselves in the foot with their 58 fucking turnovers, but you got to give it up to Texas. I mean, they just kept making them happen. You know, I mean, I want to think that somebody on the coaching staff or the

volunteers said, Hey guys, let's say we protect the football. Let's say the next time we gain 80 yards on one fucking play on this team, we tuck the thing away, you know, put two hands on the fucking ball. Um, I know that they were saying that yet the turnovers just kept coming. You know, it was just, I don't know, it was fucking an amazing game. And, um, I have to tell you coming from a professional sports city, you know, the safe suburbs, as I always say, ever since goodwill hunting, everybody thinks you grew up in Southie, you stole cars, you're good at math and you like apples.

That's not me. That's not the guy I am. I grew up in the safe suburbs. There was street hockey there. There was, uh, there was little league baseball. We had a great place to get ice cream, you know, not saying that there weren't fucking maniacs, you know, they later got into fight and accidentally bit people's ears off because they were biting on the air and the guy would go to push them

away and the part of the year would come off. I'm not saying that people like that did not come from my town. I'm just saying more so than not, people did not bite other people's ears off. Now you're getting towards the, you know, downtown area. You know, who knows what the fuck would happen. All right. That's all I'm saying. Anyway, so let me get back to this shit.

So, uh, coming from a, uh, the safe suburbs of a, of a major fucking city that's a professional sports city, um, I can't believe that I haven't watched called football like I've been watching it since 2007. So I'm almost a decade in, but the years that I lost, it's a fucking travesty. I'd watch it a little bit, but I have to be honest with you. If you watch SEC football, if you watch the Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, if you just watch that game every week, okay? Which is usually a fucking SEC game.

You watch an SEC football game. I'm telling you the NFL in, in, in this time, this particular time cannot fuck with those games. They're unbelievable. They just fucking, even the, even that last week, that was an ACC game. The Clemson Louisville game was fucking crazy. I mean, it kind of helps this year. Somebody was bringing up that everybody seems to be scoring 30 and 40 points.

Speaking of which, what the fuck happened to the Oregon Ducks? Did like the whole school, did the whole team from last year just say, yeah, we all want to be eligible for the draft? I don't know what happened to him. What's going on with you, Cleo? You're all fucking itchy. All right, just lay down, buddy. Lay down.

You don't know how to come up on the couch. You don't. Your idea, you can't just have your part of the couch. You come up here and then you just, you fucking, you know, you're all over me. I understand it. I like it, but I got a podcast too. So go lay down, buddy. Go lay down, buddy.

Go on. There you go. Anyway, so I ended up watching the Tennessee game at home in Los Angeles. Now, some of you, if you listen to this podcast, you're like, well, wait a minute, Bill, how the fuck were you at home on Saturday? Say, as they say in the Boston area, why don't you come over on a fucking say? There's one little consonant in there. It's sad day.

Come over. Come on over on Saturday. He was supposed to be down in the swamp at the Florida LSU game. That fucking stadium, I've wanted to go there since Emmett Smith played there. I always loved the colors, the blue with the orange helmet. Emmett Smith was the shit. It just, I just, I've wanted to go there for fucking ever. They've always had great teams.

Florida football has always been, it's just my whole, probably since my teens went on. Jimmy Johnson, how about them cowboys came into fucking University of Miami. Then you had the other guy there at Florida State, Billy Bowden, whatever fuck his name was, who couldn't, his field goal kickers were always wide left and wide right. I've been wanting to go to that stadium forever, but of course the hurricane came in. One of my buddies was saying early in that week, we get so fucking crazy excited. Because that's like, you got, and you got to have this as a guy when you get older. You have to have that thing that you do, the guys weekend thing.

Fucking corny as they try to make it sound as much as it sounds like a fucking beer commercial. Like those are the things, and women should have them too. Whatever it is that they want to fucking go do. I know it involves wine, their own way of getting fucked up and everything. And they like, you know, food and all that shit. I like to stand out in a parking lot in the elements. Eating stuff that I don't really know what they put in it, like hot dogs and that type of shit. Anyways, we're getting so excited to go to this fucking game.

My buddy got the tickets. Somebody else handled the fucking car service to get over there. And I went out and I got the cigars. All right, I came in there loaded for beer. I got a hookup. I'm not going to say, oh, whatever, whatever. I had some fucking sticks. All right.

I had some fucking just picture every fucking brand of Cubans cigar that you know. Cohibas, Partigas, Partegas, however the fuck you say it, tomato, tomato. I had Montecristos. I just, I had some fucking tremendous sticks. And I brought it up. There was five of us. I was brought 15 Cuban cigars. Right.

We could each smoke one every fucking night. And each one was going to get progressively more insane. Start with a mild one Thursday, go a little medium. And then the fucking, you know, we just, you know, we just, I don't know, we just fucking won a world war. That's the one you got to smoke on the game, on day game. Right. So the beginning of the week, we're all fucking amped up or texting each other and everything.

And then my buddy who lives on the East Coast, because everybody out on the West Coast, we don't pay attention to the East Coast. You fucking get up three hours before we do. By the time we have a cup of coffee, the day's half over. There's no, there's no point of even reading the newspaper. Everything has already progressed like another 12 hours. So I didn't pay attention. My buddy texts me, he goes, uh, there would have to be a fucking hurricane this weekend. And I was like, get the fuck out of here.

Right. And the game plan was we were flying into Atlanta. And like assholes, we booked us Atlanta, we were doing a gig and then we were going to Gainesville to do the show. But like assholes, we didn't book hotels until the last second and already a hundred thousand people coming in to see the fucking game. There was no hotels. So guess where we got our hotels? Take a wild guess what Florida city we got our hotel rooms. Jacksonville, Florida.

That's where we were going to go. So we were going to fly down from Atlanta and then pick up a rental car, drive over to Gainesville, do the gig. Friday night, drive back, drop off the rental car, go back to the hotel, smoke another stick, fucking jump in the car service. Go over there and see fucking a legendary football program in the greatest conference that's out right now, the SEC, right? So I hear the hurricanes coming. So I go, all right, you know what? They're probably going to cancel a bunch of flights. Fuck this.

So I get a rental car. I get a rental car. I'll clear. Please don't puke on the rug. Do you need to go outside, buddy? What are you doing? Huh? Was that just you?

Was that me? You okay? Don't step on the recorder. Cleo. God damn it. Just sit down, dude. Just sit down. Just sit down, please.

Can you please sit down? Sorry, guys. Anybody else's dog eat grass? Even if they're not feeling well? Even if they're feeling well, they just fucking eat grass. Why do you do that, Cleo? Huh? Sometimes you just talk to them.

They get so focused on you and they put their ears up. No, no. Go lay down. Go lay down. Do you need to go upstairs? You want to go see mommy? All right. Hang on a second.

Hang on a second. All right. Come here. Come on. Go see mommy. Come on. Oh, that was a great one. Fuck.

She did puke. Puked up something. All right. There goes that sock. There goes that sock. All right. Anyway, so that was the game plan. So I was like, all right.

So, you know, they're going to be overly cautious. They're going to cancel the fucking flights and blah, blah, blah, blah. So we'll just fucking drive down. Well, everybody's leaving the hurricane. We're going to fucking drive down the 75 South. Well, so we fucking land and they're supposed to make a decision Thursday at one o'clock and they don't make a decision. So me and Bartnick are in the fucking, are in the lobby and we're excited that they

didn't make a decision. Like, yeah, dude, come on, man, this is fucking, this is the South. They're playing this fucking game. They're playing the game. They don't, they don't want to cancel this fucking game and have to fucking refund 100,000 tickets to try to figure out when to reschedule. They're fucking playing it. And we got excited and we had hope.

And then the whole fucking thing, it, you know, it went up to a category four and all fucking went to, went to shit. But I got to tell you, actually, if I was even trying to drive down to the South, like they evacuated so many people, smartly, by the way, I mean, only three people died in a category four where, you know, down at Haiti, like, you know, a couple hundred, they said even more died. Granted, we're first world. We have better structures and that type of shit.

But, you know, back in the day, I mean, that, that would have been us. Like, I was thinking about that back in the day, like, you know, when you didn't know a hurricane was coming, I mean, you saw like signs, but like, by then you only had like six hours to try to get the fuck out of there. What am I trying to say? Long story short is even if we try to drive south, they just completely closed off the southbound 75 at some point and it was just like all of Florida driving up.

So it didn't work out. So then we were like, okay, how do we save this weekend? Because my buddy, the one who told us about the fucking hurricane, he had not even left yet. So he's at home with his wife and his kids. He's a total family man. And once a year he goes out, you know, has some beer, smokes a stick. It's just, you know, and he goes, this was the one weekend where his kids didn't

have any sports. All right. We got to make it happen for this guy. So we start looking around. Where the fuck can we go? The Georgia Bulldogs home? No, they're in South Carolina. South Carolina is three and a half hours away.

Let's fucking drive to that one. And then we find out it got fucking moved to Sunday. Fuck can't go to that game. What else do we got? UNC. I just went to UNC. I don't want to watch him play Notre Dame. Notre Dame stinks.

Or is that NC State? NC State was playing them. I was like, look, dude, I'm not driving into the fucking Carolinas. The goddamn, the fucking storm is coming up that way. All right. What about Tennessee? Let's go to the volunteers. Fuck it.

We'll do it live. Right. Let's go to where we're all fucking wearing a panic. Who's Tennessee playing? Texas A&M. The Aggies. Great fucking game. Where they playing?

College station. Fuck. All right. Who's next? Who's next? Alabama. Alabama. The Dreamings tonight.

Where are they playing? Who are they playing? Where are they playing Arkansas? Where are they playing in Arkansas? Fuck. All right. Auburn. Auburn.

War Eagle. War Eagle. Who do they got? Who do they got? Mississippi State. Mississippi State. Where are they playing? Auburn.

Mississippi State. Shit. All right. It was just the three of us standing at this fucking, over this sports page, trying to salvage this fucking weekend, looking, everybody was away. The only way to get to any of the games that we wanted to go to that weren't in the path of the fucking hurricane was that we were going to have to fucking, you know, we were like Clemson.

What about Clemson? They're playing BC. Ah, they're going to kill him. Where are they playing? Boston College. Shit. Right. Over and over and over.

Right. So the only way we're going to get to him is if we fucking, you know, I don't know if we jumped on a plane and I was already not working the next night. So we were just going to hang in Atlanta and then jump on a plane. It was just, it got to be too fucking crazy, but for half a second we did consider, um, we did consider the, the Alabama, Arkansas game, but, uh, so it didn't end up happening. But um, you know, what are you, what the fuck are you going to do? It was still, it was still great to, you know, it was cool when I got home, I got to chill

with my wife and I got to watch all those great games and, um, I didn't have to be in the path of a fucking hurricane. I wasn't another asshole that the poor fire department had to try to fucking rescue because I didn't listen to their warnings. You know what I mean? And, uh, so anyways, um, Jesus Christ, that storm is fucking nasty, man. My condolences to anybody down in the Jacksonville area. You know, I hope you made it out all right as far as, I mean, pretty much people made

it out, but I hope your stuff is all right because God knows those fucking insurance companies, you know, they just, oh, oh, yeah, we don't cover that. You ever see that, that one that Spike Lee made about New Orleans where they're like, they just, we're looking at the waterline. We'll cover anything below the waterline. They're like anything above it. It's your fault. It's just like, you motherfuckers, man, like, like what, what, what kind of people are you?

You know, I don't know. Anyway, so can you tell them also typing in my password here? So anyways, oh, I got, I got some more iPhone stories for you. I got time for a quick iPhone story. So I got the iPhone seven now. All right. And I want to thank everybody who tried to help me out with even the condescending ones or this new generation of people who were saying they were cringing me on my boy.

I had to tweet my boyfriend works at the Apple store or an I work at the Apple store too. We both cringing as we were listening to you talk about like, why, why are you cringing from I wouldn't cringe for you. Like if I watched you two geniuses try to change a fucking tire or drive a stick shift as they say you millennials can't do if that's the truth, I wouldn't cringe. I'd try to teach you how to do it cringing. I felt so bad. I was so awkward.

I really think this whole generation, the reason why they're always using that term awkward is because they were so sheltered that I don't think that they kind of work shit out amongst themselves as kids the way we did. Now granted, my generation was too far the other way. They didn't know what the fuck we were doing. And I think with millennials, there was an overcorrection. I think this next generation, they're going to get it right. It's like, you know, you can't have them fucking joining, you know, either those groups where

there's all these pedophiles, you know, you know what they are. I am not going to say I'm one rhymes with with the the rubs louts. The rub shouts. You also don't want to. They're very young. It's probably not good to have them take a ha, I can't even say it right. A karate class, you know, shit like that, the the kinds of places. And then you can just say church groups, church groups are on the big one.

You just you just can't have them fucking, you know. But you have to let them play outside. You got to let them solve shit, you know, interact with each other and shit like that. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I think we went too far the other fucking direction. And I can say that having never had a child. So anyways, somebody told me that, you know, when I when I sat there and I counted all my contacts, I didn't realize this is all shit that you guys can laugh at me about.

But I know there's a lot of you, especially in my generation, do not know this. If you scroll down to the end of your contacts, it'll tell you how many you have. I was off by one. I said one 13. I had one 14. Who knew who the fuck knew? And by the way, if you didn't use the cloud, getting all your contacts back, not a big deal, not a big deal. It's just as you need the person's number. You're like, fuck, I don't have the number. Who do I know that knows him?

He just, you know, by then you have that person's number. And you gradually put it all back together again. It's so it wasn't as bad as I thought. And then somebody gave me a great suggestion saying, well, there's there's these places you can go to that they they can retrieve lost data, whatever the fuck, whatever the computer term is that. So I might try that with my phone. I have not turned it on since then.

I'm going to try sometime like Tuesday morning. Hopefully I can turn it on and grab a couple. Um, because, you know, the guy used to work on my truck. He moved to Arizona and, uh, he recommended this great place here in California to tune it up and all that type of shit. And I lost his fucking number and because he's a crazy car guy, like his website still has like a fucking California number.

So I should probably just give it a try. But anyway, so anyways, so I had to get the iPhone seven because I, I fucked up my phone. I got it all wet and shit. And, um, so now this one's waterproof. So they had this little fucking umbilical cord off of it. And I was sitting there going, there's no fucking way. I'm not going to lose this thing.

I have to be on my best behavior with this. So I was literally carrying that little cord around in the iPhone box with me while I was on the road, because I was too paranoid to even leave it into the phone because I was afraid I'd go to put my pocket and pop out. I wouldn't know. I don't know what. So, um, I somehow make it across this country and back. I still have it.

Um, I went back to my house to use my gym, you know, I said, finishing up the fucking kitchen, you know, um, and I had it there and I went to grab a few things and I don't know. I got back to the place that I'm renting and it was just gone. It was gone and I started to have a meltdown. And I was just like, this drives your wife nuts. Don't do it. Don't fucking do it.

And I tore apart everything, couldn't find it in the house. I drove back to my place. I couldn't find it there. And I just said, fuck this. And I drove over to the Apple store and somewhere over there. I just got into this fucking Zen place. I was like, dude, this is 100% your fault. It's not Steve Jobs fault.

It's your fault. You should just left the fucking thing in your phone. I'm sure you can pick up the phone and fucking shake it. And I'm sure nothing, you know, I'm sure it probably doesn't even come out because they were probably already knew that that was going to be a fucking concern. So I drive over there, you know, I pull in, I just said, fuck it. I valed my old Prius dirty as shit right now, because I still have to get the dense taken off from that fucking road rage cunt slammed into the person, two

people behind me. Um, so I just got that thing. It's got dense. I'm going to get pulled out while I get it washed. So it's really looking bad. So I pull in and the valley place at the mall, they go like, yeah, what's, what's your phone number? And I'm just like, yeah, none of your business.

I go, I don't give out my phone number. That's what I used to say. Now I just go, I don't have a phone because they're just going to call you. And it's just, they're just all of those things, by the way, all of those phone numbers and all of that shit. I'm telling you, it all gets bundled and it gets, it gets sold. There was a lobby. There was something, a lobby.

There was something, something going on in Washington with it, with what they were saying, what I would say it much more intelligently and written down on paper, saying that you ought to get a piece of it. Somebody's going to sell your information. Shouldn't you get it cut? Right. 10% something. Um, sure that got shot down, but anyways, uh, so I just pull up and I just say,

yeah, I don't have a cell phone. So then they just take your name down and there's always ways to get around it. You just say, yeah, no, I can't do that. Right. So I go into the, the Apple store and I walk up to one of the geniuses and I said, yeah, hey, I need the little fucking umbilical cord. And they said that right there over the, over there on the wall. And I just walked up and I grabbed five of them.

Okay. I grabbed five of them. And I grabbed this other cord where it was, you know, where you can plug it into your phone and someone else can also plug their headphones in while you plug your headphones in and you can both listen to the same song. I did that because whenever I'm on a plane, he's always like, listen to this song. Isn't this a great song? And I was just like, I'll get that one for her.

Right. So I walk up to one of the dudes with the fucking iPad and I just say, yeah, hey, I want to, I want to fucking, I want to buy these, right? So they're all looking at me like, what the fuck, right? Why do you have so many? It was two geniuses and one of the, one of the people who was just trying to buy some shit there and it's one of them finally goes to me. He goes, I got to ask you, how come you're buying five of these?

And I was like, uh, because I know what kind of a moron I am. And the dude was like, what? I go, everybody's a moron. So you got to include me. So you got to figure out what kind of moron you are. So, uh, I'm the kind of moron that's going to lose at least four of these in a year. So I'm getting five and they all fucking laughed. And I joked or I somehow was able to joke my way through the whole fucking

experience. I kept it light and I, and I didn't lose my shit. Um, oh, except when I got into it with that one guy, I forgot when I was driving back, this guy came barreling up the street and I, and I live on a street where it's one of those streets where it's like it should be one way, but it's two way and he came flying up and I was rushing over. So I just had to slam on the brakes. I just kind of gestured like really dude and I back up and then he pulls up

alongside me and he's big fucking Jaguar. And he goes, he goes, yes, is that a problem? I go, I go, yeah, I tried to stay calm. I go, yeah, man. I go, you're driving too fast through the neighborhood here, blah, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I go, I go, you know, it's a one way street. He goes, it isn't a one way street. I go, yeah, but with the cars parked, you know, you know, I go, you're

coming through here like 30, 40 miles an hour. He goes, this car won't go 40, which I don't even know what that means. Won't go 40 on this street. I have no idea. I was just like, dude, there's kids on this street. Then I lied. I go, dude, I have a kid just trying to make my argument better. He goes, I got three kids and he holds up the fingers too.

Like, I, all right. And then he just said something. He goes, now do you feel stupid? So he said to me, he goes, now do you feel stupid? And I so, I wish I could go back to that moment and just say to him, like, dude, I always feel stupid, but this has nothing to do with that. Dude, you're driving like a fucking maniac. You got three kids.

Yeah, I bet they don't live on this street, you cunt. And I was trying, I was trying because I've done this before with people on that street. I just speak in a slow tone. I'm just going, dude, I got kids, you know, I just lie and I say, I got kids plural, just totally lie out my ass. The reality is I don't want to have a head on collision with somebody. So, um, you know, last couple of times I did it, even like the young punk kids and shit, you know, with the fucking hats that match the fucking

shoelaces, even though they feel, all right, all right, cool. All right, sorry. You're like, yeah, cool, no problem. You know, and, uh, this guy just wasn't avid. And he just goes, now do you feel stupid? And then I just, once he said that, I, you know, I got fucked yourself. We both drove away. So that did happen on the way over this.

So anyway, so I go to buy all of these fucking things and I'm making fun of myself because guys, I'm really trying not, I mean, it's funny when I do it on stage. It's not funny when I do it in real life or around the house. I'm really trying to work on my temper. So I was making fun of myself going, yeah, I'm the kind of fucking moron that's going to lose four of these in a year. So I'm buying five. So they all laugh.

And the guy's like, all right, now what's that going to be like $7,000? And he said, no, it was like 75 bucks or something. If he's little ass fucking wires, five of them, like 25 a whack, a 20 a whack, whatever the fuck it was, plus I had the other thing. So I go to open my wallet to take out my credit card. And what is sitting in the fold of my wallet is the fucking attachment. I couldn't find, I must have put it in the same pocket. And I just left and go, see, right here, look at this.

There it is. Now, now I got six. I'm a fucking moron. They would just all laugh and it made me feel good. Even though they were laughing at me, it just made me feel better that, uh, you know, I don't know, I got to be, I got to learn how to fucking do that, man, because I am, uh, I am a lot, you know, I'm funny on a podcast. I'm funny for an hour, but after that, dude, I can be a lot to live with. So anyways, I'm working on myself.

I'm actually considering going to speak to somebody. And, uh, you know, cause I swear to God, like I have two things I want to do. I want to just actually sit down and maybe read some instructions on my iPhone and actually make it something that I can use and computers actually maybe learn about them rather than screaming to anyone who listened about road robots and being microchipped, you know, and then also I would like to, to, uh, if I could just have the same sense of humor I have about big shit. When big shit happens, I do not flip out little shit happens.

Like I lost a fucking little cord on my phone. I fucking lose my shit. So if I can just somehow, you know, not lose my shit in the car and the technology thing, those are my two biggest fucking goals. If I could just laugh my way through that shit, I would be, I'd be a much better person. I think I'd be a lot easier to deal with, you know, um, and I'll just go after the way I go after other shit. I've never really tried to fucking like full on try to fix my temper.

The way I try to lose weight, work out, play drums or whatever. By the way, dude, I am in a fucking iron maiden rabbit hole right now. Clive Burr, the whole fucking number of the beast album. It's just, I can't stop listening to it. That and peace of mind, um, Niko McBrain, I am fucking, uh, yeah, that's where I'm at right now. But anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising here. All right.

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A buddy of mine actually ordered it on eBay and got it for me, man. I hadn't seen that since like 1978 or 80 when it came out. And I watched the first episode. I liked it. They did the usual shit that they do with superheroes. Like, like, you know, we just sit there like, were you fuck this chick already? Why are you letting this guy slap you in the head? They always have him do that shit before they just fucking, you know, throw

somebody through a wall. I watched that. And I also watched Westworld, which you want to hear something hilarious. I love that movie when I was a kid. I loved the UL Brenner was huge. I mean, nobody said draw like him when he could draw. He did this fucking. He just had the best voice ever.

Badass with the fucking shaved head and all that shit. I love that movie to the point. I remember like 15 years ago, not 15, it was probably like 10 years ago. I actually called my agent and I said, hey, how much would it cost to buy the rights to Westworld because they just started redoing all these things. And I'm like, there's no fucking way you could make a killer movie out of that. And of course, they came back. It's like, it's like nine zillion dollars.

I didn't realize it was a Michael Craig book and all that shit. So I obviously didn't have the money. And thank God I didn't have the fucking rights to it because I have to tell you, I watched the first episode of Westworld. They completely 100% took it to another fucking level, updated it. It's it's unbelievable. I actually liked that pilot better than the Luke Cage one slightly better. I thought the Luke Cage one was the shit.

So now I got two new shows bang bang to fucking watch. Definitely check those out. And if you want to laugh, by the way, I ran into a buddy of mine, Willie Barcia, who I haven't seen in fucking forever. He's the real deal. He's a fucking hilarious comedian. And he has a standup special that he just put out. And I wanted to give him a shout out if you get a chance to check him out.

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That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. The next one is, how many more of these are there? I always try to break them up if there's a lot. Let's do three and two. All right. Three against two here, right? Blue apron, everybody. Not all ingredients are created equal.

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That's my experience. I made a potato pancake for the first time today, gave it to my wife, put a little salmon on it with some fucking, what's that white shit? Sour cream and a little bit of dill on top. All right. Couple eggs over each. Couple eggs over each.

And I gave it to her and I actually walked out of the room because I had to make my eggs. Because how do you make four fucking eggs over easy with the standard frying pan? You can't do it. Somebody has to suffer. So I came walking in afterwards, I tried a little potato pancake

because I thought that tasted pretty good. And you know what my wife said? She said that was better than the one that I had at brunch. Bam! Okay. And I'm going to tell you right now, when you start making meals like that for your lady, everything else goes to the next level.

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That's blueapron.com. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. All right, and then we just got two more. I'll read those later. Is that my... Is that something done? Are the cookies done? What's going on here?

By the way, what was I going to say? I weighed myself today. I'm in the block 70s, which is perfect to get myself... I want to be 172, I think I'm going to come in about 175, but that's fine.

All right, that is going to be fine. Tipping the scales at 175. As long as I got that seven, it's the second number. I'll be all right, you know? But I'll tell you, my walk around weighs about 210. 210 if I could eat and drink

the way that I wanted to. By the way, guess what came the other day? Guess what came? I ordered it back in June. My Jaguar came. I fucking picked it up today. I'd like the Catholic guilt that I fucking had that actually went out and fucking,

you know, did this, but it wore off the second I got behind the fucking thing. I came walking into the showroom, dude. I ordered the color, everything underrated, under fucking rated, ordering a car. You just go to the website, everything that you want, you just fucking order it.

Blue apron, except it's a fucking car, right? Everything is perfect. This fucking car, oh my God, it's, it's, it's fucking insane. I'll post, am I going to post it? I don't want to post a picture because no one has this color out here. I'll be like that chick driving around

in that pink cat fucking Corvette out here. But even Nia, because she's all like, you know, you know, women, dude, like when a guy gets excited about some stuff, I swear to God, it's like you're looking at another woman. They always, they always got to fucking take you down.

It's kind of cute and kind of annoying, you know, but I'm mostly annoying and way less cute. So I, you know, whatever. And so I come walking and they got the whole, they actually backed it into the showroom and they put a car cover over the fucking thing, right? And they fucking did the unveiling. They took it off, dude.

It's just fucking, it's the fucking, I don't give a shit. It's the British racing green with the black rims, black grill. I got that, that the fucking, I had the analog gauges. I didn't get all wheel drive because I wanted the rear end to kick out a little bit. I got the rear wheel, 390 fucking horses.

I'm going to take it over to Galpin to get a new exhaust system on it. Cause right now it's very, very refined sound. I like a little more of a growl in it. It's, it's dude, it is the fucking shit. It's like, what if Steve McQueen drove a fucking and what if Steve McQueen drove a Jaguar and had two kids cause it is a four door.

Let's not get crazy, Bill. Let's not get crazy. Dude, it is, it's fucking awesome. And I love it cause everybody out here that has a four door sedan, either has a Mercedes, a BMW, an Audi, and then to a lesser case, a Lexus, but that's more of a younger person's car, I feel. Those cars are all fucking great.

And a lot of ways like those have kind of become the muscle cars of today or the four door sedans, which is perfect. You can actually put somebody in it. It's like an adult person's car. Oh my God, like I absolutely love with this car. So it was fucking hilarious. And I got the price.

I wanted everything. So then of course, dude, I just did, I did everything right. I got these foot, the floor mats are, they're not like the carpeted ones that after a while they start wearing out and everything. I ordered these, these like these rubber fucking mats that look like the shit. They say Jaguar on them.

And, and they actually, they're a little bit different color black than the, than the carpet. So they kind of pop a little bit. I mean, the car is the fucking shit. And it's going to kill me the first time somebody opens a door into it. But I always just think of the way Steve McQueen drove that car and bullet, the way those good old boys drove

that fucking 69 was a challenger. He fucking broke one of those every week. Fuck it. I was supposed to drive it. I remember fast and loud one time they bought a Ferrari like F 40 and the whole frame had been bent and all that. And they saw it and they were all laughing. And they're just going like, you know what, dude,

if you buy a car like this at some point, it should look like this. Obviously you shouldn't crack up your car, but they're meant to be driven. But I don't know, I can't believe that I have that, that nice of a car. So I want to thank and stop before I keep fucking gloating about the car.

Thank you to everybody. I never came out to one of my shows and watched my shit and told people about it because, you know, yeah, I wouldn't have that car if you didn't. So thank you. And I'm actually going to miss the Prius though. I'm actually selling it to a friend of mine. So it's getting a good home.

And I got to tell you underrated the fucking Toyota Prius. I had nine years, 85,000 miles on the fucking thing. I changed the oil. I did everything on it. It's a fucking, that thing will go for 200,000 miles easy if the next person changes the oil and all the lubricants and all that type of shit, just regular maintenance and all that type of stuff.

But they're just fucking great cars. You know what I also found with the Prius dude? People, all my friends found out that I was getting a new car. I had like half a dozen people going, dude, what are you doing with the Prius? I'll buy it off you. All these comics are loving it because it has good gas mileage. They actually have a decent resale value.

So the amount of shit that those cars get, man, they're kind of a good investment. They're fucking cheap. They're cheap on gas. The whole fucking time, every time the gas went up and went fucking crazy, I never paid more than like between 35 and 38 bucks is the most I ever paid.

And the rest of the time, it was about $27 to fill the fucking tank. And when it would drop really low, like when we would start producing oil and then Saudi, the Saudis would be like, oh fuck, let's put them out of business and then they would overproduce, you know, all the fuel and all that type of shit and it would just plummet.

I mean, there were days I filled that car up for like 18 or 19 bucks. So I will definitely, I'll definitely miss that thing, but this thing is just, oh, it's just fucking, it's a beautiful car, red calipers. All right, let's, let's, let's plow ahead here. I have yet to watch the Japanese Formula One. I feel like I got you guys all excited who are into that type of racing or into racing,

I guess just to say, and I've just, I've dropped a ball on Singapore, Malaysia and now Japan. It's just because this fucking house I'm renting, this guy has like cable from like the fucking 1800s. And I got all the races taped. I've watched Singapore. I haven't watched Malaysia yet, where Lewis Hamilton was going to win the race

and then for whatever reason his engine just fucking blew up. I have no idea who won the Japanese one. I haven't gone on the internet. I'm not looking at my Twitter feed. I'm going to watch that tomorrow. And me and Nia actually knew a couple of people that were over in Japan and I was, you know, they having a baby or something.

So they're doing a baby moon, which I guess is people before they have a baby, they go some fucking place and, you know, they're in Japan. So I was saying to Nia, it's hilarious, typical guy shit. This is typical guy women's shit. Like I say, oh fuck, they're in Japan. Well, well, text so and so,

let him know that the Formula One race is there tomorrow, man. And that he should go. And then my wife's just like immediately, just looking at like a chick like, yeah, she's not going to want to do that. And I'm thinking like, yeah, but he would fucking guys like into motorcycles and cars and off road. Why the fuck wouldn't you want to do?

Go to a Formula One race in Asia. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you, even if you're not into that shit, you got to watch the Singapore. The Singapore race was fucking incredible. Like they do it at night. And then after when the city isn't beautiful, right? You're not allowed to do anything.

And one of the guys spit gum on the street and they fucking detained him for six hours. I think they were just showing off because when I was there, I was like, I heard if you spit gum on the street, you get arrested. They go, nah, they'll give you a fine. It's not like that. Or maybe they were soft pedaling at the hotels.

You wouldn't be afraid to go out and go spend some money. I have no idea. One of the fucking guys from either Ferrari or Mercedes or somebody spit some gum out and they fucking detained him for six hours. But anyways, they ran it at night. And that city is gorgeous at night. It's beautiful.

And then when, who won that one? Niko. When Niko Rosberg won that race, they just shoot off all of these fireworks, man. And they go all the fuck out. And so I've yet to see the Malaysia one. So I'm going to watch that in the Japanese one tomorrow if I have the time.

All right. What else? What else did I want to talk about? What else was a big... Oh, you know what I started to watch? I started to watch before I came down. I'm taping this Sunday night. I started to watch the Trump-Hillary debate.

I mean, I just still cannot fucking believe these are our two choices. And, dude, Trump... I got to give it up to Trump, dude. That guy's one-liners. Just for a politician. Jesus Christ, he's fucking... He kills.

The guy fucking kills. He's great on his feet. He's... He'd make a terrible president. He's got no idea what the fuck he's doing or what he's even talking about. It's just like the dope versus the devil. You know, when I know everybody,

oh, that old fucking... You know, that shit that he said, I just go up and grab him by the pussy. Nobody just does that. I felt bad for Billy Bush. You know, he was just sitting there. He's like, he's sitting there. Some fucking unknown 2005, you know.

He's still kind of unknown, you know. Billy Bush, I'm going to talk about people who are in movies. He's not in a movie, you know. He's a talking head. Cut the guy a little slack. He's sitting there with the don. The don's talking shit.

He's talking about women, you know, as guys do. I just walk right up and I kiss him. I grab him right by the pussy. You know, Billy was just like, it's Donald Trump. You know, you get caught up in the fade. Oh, yeah, yeah, grab him by the pussy. He just went along with it. You know, stay strong, Billy Bush.

You shouldn't have deleted your fucking Twitter account, man. You should have hung in there. Fuck these people. They just, they get mad for like three fucking days. You know what I mean? It's un-fucking-believe. He's going to get more shit for that because Hillary's going to get for the goddamn, you know,

classified fucking emails, classified information through her own fucking email. And just somehow that all goes on the road. I cannot stand. I can tell when Hillary's lying too. That smile she does, you can see it arise when she's lying. Trump is like, I just don't, he's like a fucking cartoon character.

Like Alec Baldwin as Trump is more believable than Trump as Trump. That's how fucking nuts this guy is. I started to watch it. Oh man, Trump had some funny ones. He said to Hillary, he said, if I was running this country, you'd be in jail. You know, it's funny to really see how hard Donald Trump goes.

This is a clip. I don't know if you can still find it. The first time Donald Trump was on Letterman and he, and Rosie O'Donnell had said something about him and he went off on Rosie O'Donnell. And he goes, well, you know, she's a degenerate. And like, it was just so over the top. Letterman was laughing just going like,

Donald, you just can't go around saying that about people. And he's just like, yeah, no, it's true. She's overweight. He just fucking like, just no filter. Just went right after him. And he hasn't changed at all since he's become a politician. Having said that, like, I, you know, it doesn't mean he's going to make a good president.

He's just, you know, I can't get, I can't get past how many overtly racist people love the guy. And that's, that's always a major red flag. You know what the fuck it is with this fucking election? It's like you either got the guy that's going to rally up the fucking neo-Nazis, the guy that rallies up the white guys that think that there's something being taken away from them, you know, or you got Hillary, you know, but he's actually,

you know, or you got Hillary who's actually going to, she's going to be in bed with the corporate cunts up at the fuck. It's like a lose, lose. You got somebody like rallying up this fucking cesspool of people at the bottom as far as mental. I'm not talking financially, mentally speaking, or you got Hillary who's just, you know, she's going to give them their wars.

She's going to let the fucking robots be made and all that. You know, I don't know. I don't know what that, oh my God. It's just fucking, it's in her fucking pantsuits. That's the only thing I like about her. I love the pantsuit. If I was a chick, I would wear fucking pantsuits. I mean, you got to go with it.

At some point, as a woman, you reach your pantsuits age and you just got to give into it. That's like a man. At some point, you got to stop wearing your tag tops and you got to put on a sport coat. All right? Try to keep the carbs low. Do the best you can.

You know, at some point, you just get to that fucking age. So, I know a lot of you are like, why didn't you bring up the Tom Brady's back and all that type of shit? You know what? We played the Cleveland Browns. No disrespect, but the Cleveland Browns are where they're at. And congratulations to the fucking Indians. You guys looking like you're kicking our ass.

We're down 0-2. I watched, like, Pardroia's first at bat and the plane landed. So, I missed all of that game. I'm missing every fucking game because this guy doesn't have a god. I mean, this is when I come in with my brand new Red Sox hat. But I do know that Blue Jays were up two games to none. I don't know what's going on with that series right now. They were up three to two the last I saw in game three.

But Tom Brady's back. Gronkowski's back. We won. Buffalo's on a tear. They're looking good. I don't know. I just, it was just great to see Brady back. It's unbelievable.

That whole fucking thing. That's, I'm telling you, I give it 20 years and then NFL films when they look back on it, be like, do you think that was fair? Do you think it was fair that one of the greatest players in the history of the game had his entire fucking integrity questioned by one of the biggest scumbags to ever own a fucking team who basically hired a guy for an in-house investigation? I mean, I still cannot fucking wait for that. How old will I be?

68. All right. Tom Brady will be 58. All right. 60 minutes, everybody. All right. Hey, Bill. I saw your tweet about 60 minutes about the talking robot piece.

Yeah, Charlie Rose was sitting there talking to this artificial intelligent robot that really moved bad, speaking of fucking Westworld, right? And he asked the robot what its goals were. First of all, that a robot would have goals like a person, okay? And the robot said, my goal is to one day be smarter than human beings. So I tweeted, you know, I basically tweeted, please unplug that fucking thing. All right. So he goes, I come somewhere between unplug it and fuck it.

It seems like everyone knows the machines will be our doom, but I feel like everyone involved and even everyone else just looking on has a, but will they take over type of curiosity? My question, I don't know what you meant by all that. My question to you is that if in 10 years the robots are filling in his clerks at stores or working the lobby of hotels, would you be comfortable as a customer in those locations? Also, I highly recommend the new Westworld remake on HBO. Yes. I thought that was Netflix.

My fault. HBO. It's totally up your alley. And I'm sure you remember the original with good old Yule Brenner. How's funny is that? Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. I already talked about it. I loved it.

This is what I actually think that those robots will make human beings obsolete. I know that sounds fucking crazy, but they will, okay? And they don't have to sleep. They don't have to fucking do anything. They'll outwork us and all that type of shit. And they're going to act like then we finally get to sit around and chill out, right? Like that was the big promise of all of this technology that was going to be coming out in the future.

I mean, there's always technology, but the newer technology, the technology of the future, you know, the three-day work week. They used to make fun of that on the Jetsons. Oh, these three-day work weeks are brutal. People are working more than they have ever worked in their fucking lives in this race to, I don't even know what the fuck. Why the fuck? Can somebody please tell me what the fuck we need robots for?

What do we need any of this shit for? You know what I mean? I feel like somewhere in like the mid-90s, like that was good. We advanced enough with cars, travel, we advanced enough with medicine and that type of shit. I mean, basically from 1995 on, if you fucking die and then, I mean, I mean, I don't know, the amount of shit that you could sidestep, tuberculosis, polio, all of these fucking things, all those plagues from back in the day, they were all gone. I mean, something, I don't know, it's hard when it's somebody you know and love or obviously

if it's fucking you, but like, I don't know, I think the population, I've always talked about it. I always, it's a major fucking problem and I don't know how they go, like, I just feel like those things will come along and they'll just be like, well, you have those things that don't need to, they don't need a flat screen TV, they don't need any of that type of shit. They can do the work of 10 people or let's say they can do the work of four people, then there's three extra people out there, isn't there?

Or there's four extra people out there. Let's fucking cut this thing down by 25%. I mean, there's already too many fucking people walking around. You can have a bunch of robots walking around too. At some point, something's got to give, all right, and I can guarantee you one thing. Robots are never forming a union, all right, they're not gonna. So I think they'll be smart enough to not get them to do that, but the greed of going after the dollar and making one that's just a little bit better, just a little bit better

like these fucking iPhones. I think we could get ourselves into a tough situation and here's the question I have. If you kill a robot in the future, like, is that gonna be considered property damage? At what point will that actually be considered murder one or murder two or robot slaughter? Not to have all these new laws, you know what I mean? Like, what if they make them like what they're trying to do? They probably trying to make them fuckable at some point like that fucking movie I saw like a year ago, you know, what if you go out and you fuck somebody else's robot, you

know, like, hey, that's my robot, you just came in my fucking robot. What the fuck? Even though it's self-cleaning and all that shit, I can't fucking do that, right? You just really opening up a fucking can of worms there. All right, clown sightings, oh shit, Nia's calling me. My episode of The Simpsons is on tonight. Is it on? What are you doing?

I'm doing the podcast. I know. You're supposed to be done. It's on in, like, a minute. Well, I can hit pause. Well, hurry up. Hey, come here. What?

I don't want to miss it. Put your eyebrows down. You're like, what are you doing? I don't want to miss it. Hey, how nice is my car? It's very nice. It's awesome. Ugh.

I thought you were gonna go harder than that. I didn't even say it was, like, gorgeous. All right, how good was the potato pancake? That was delicious. It was better than the restaurant. Is it me or do you guys just have, like, a distinct lack of fucking passion? This is totally you, like, this is what I want you to do. This is what I want you to do now for the love of God.

Go fucking do it. And I'm sitting here, like, a little six-year-old, mommy, look what I can do. All right, just hit pause. I'll be up there in a second. I can't hit pause. There's no TV. Oh, all right. Oh, all right.

I know this guy's fucking depression-error fucking cable. All right, I'm just gonna hit pause here and then we'll come back and finish this. All right, you know, and after all that, it wasn't even on. Thank you. She fucking went off on how great the potato pancake was. She thought the car was gorgeous. You see what they do? You see what they do?

You see what they do? All of a sudden, I'm fucking bragging a little bit. Ah. Oh, it goes out there. I'm trying to fucking knock, knock you down a little bit. All right. Here we go. Clown sightings.

You're listening to one right now. All right. Clown sightings. Dear freckles, have you heard about this clown hysteria? Sorry. Have you heard about this clown hysteria? Freaks are dressing up as creepy clowns and going out in public trying to scare people. I've seen those.

They search creepy clown sightings as a bunch of and a bunch of shit pops up. Other people are now starting to go out to go clown hunting and beating the shit out of clowns that they see in public. Now, how the fuck do you go about doing that? Isn't it? There's like nine people in the country that have done that. Let's go out clown hunting like, like where do clowns hang out? Do they have a natural habitat?

Is there a bush you can go to the clown bush, shake it a little bit, throw some rocks into it? Anyways, my question is one of, is if one of these clowns charged at you, what, what would you do? Do you think it would be legal to run over slash beat the shit out of the fuckers or should you let the misfit go without harming him? Thanks and go fuck yourself. I think at this point I've seen enough of those videos that somebody, if one of them

came running at me with like dragging the body and just so fucking over the top, I don't know, but you'd have to just out of respect for yourself, your own safety. You'd have to fucking back up and run away. Yeah. I mean, if a guy came running at me because of my luck, this would be the guy who isn't fucking around. I'd be like, yo, what's up, YouTube world star, whatever, take a fucking axe to the head.

Um, but, you know, I don't think that you should go, I'm, I don't like cloud hunting to me is hilarious. Like how the fuck would you even remotely begin to know where to look? You know what I mean? Like there was that thing for a while where people were putting train horns in their vehicles and those people should be prosecuted because, you know, my ears are fucked up from years ago in a concert to playing drums and shit. And like somebody did that one time when I went by, you know, it's funny watching people

jump and shit, but like it was close enough that it did even more damage to my left ear, which is fucked up. And it's like, that's something now that I have to live with because this person wanted to have a laugh. I mean, the ringing went away, but they definitely, uh, when you do shit like that, I mean, you are kind of asking, you are asking for it. You shouldn't do it. Like the other people, you shouldn't go beat the shit out of the, they're just fucking

around trying to make a funny video. I mean, you really have to go beat the fuck out of them. But when you do scare somebody to that level, uh, maybe that is a thing that you can kind of expect. I don't fucking, I don't know what the rules of clowning is. All right. Now she's tech to me saying that it's starting. All right.

Hang on. Stopping again. Every time I get momentum, you know, we get a fucking holding call and just kills the drive. All right. Now back again. Guess what? It wasn't even the episode.

It was the wrong episode. It was a pre-episode to the episode that they're going to show that I'm on. All right. Anyways. Um, all right. Waterproof electronics. Waterproof electronics. All right.

Uh, dear Billy, wet, wet phone, uh, just to let you know, the waterproof or water resistance rating on electronics is bullshit. The same goes for watches and any other water resistant item. Here's how they determine the water resistant. I mean, that makes sense. I mean, you pour water onto anything. It's going to gradually seep through, right? Um, although boats don't, uh, that must have been the dumbest I've ever sound boats to

okay. Uh, they stick to phone and water and a water filled tank and then increase the pressure until the phone has problems. The water in the tank is perfectly still and the pressure stimulates, uh, simulates the depth below sea level. Um, it's a bullshit test because the water you drop your phone into is probably splashing all about and your phone is going to move in the water as it sinks. Um, if you don't drop your phone into an ocean or a river, you might drop it into the kitchen

full of detergent or some other situation that isn't perfectly still water pressurized under test conditions. It's another marketing trick, which technically legally correct for the fine print, but is bullshit, uh, for the day to day life. Um, I don't know. I don't, I don't, it's got to be better than the shit that isn't waterproof where you just fucking sneeze on it and doesn't work. Um, I know my watch, I kept wearing it while I was doing cardio and all of a sudden it

was fucked up and it was just because it was on my wrist and just sweating every day. It got wet. Um, I don't fucking know. I have no idea. It's probably all bullshit. I know when they do miles, you know, how much a car gets miles per gallon, they drove it like, they drive it like one mile an hour with no headwind for most of the fucking test. Um, Cleo, what is going on with you, buddy?

What is going on with you? Go lay down. Jesus Christ. Are you allergic to the rug every time you come down or you start flipping out? All right. Um, let me do these last couple of reads and then I can finish with the questions here. Sorry for the whole fucking pause and then going on this week. MVMT watches, everybody pronounced movement.

Oh, that's what I'm supposed to say. All right. Movement watches, everybody was founded on the belief that style shouldn't break the bank. The watchmaker's goal is to chart, change the way consumers think about fashion by offering high quality, minimalist products at revolutionary prices with over 500,000 watches sold to customers in 160 plus countries around the world. The watches have solidified itself as the world's fastest growing watch company.

Um, podcast slash radio evergreen copy. Why would you tell me that? What's the difference between this and what you'd say on television? I guess the company started by two broke college kids that wanted to wear stylish watches, but they couldn't afford them. So they started their own company. That sentence never makes sense to me. They're two broke college kids.

They can't afford a watch, a stylish watch. So they start a company. I can't afford a G five jet. I think I'll start a jet company. How is, how is this like, how is this like how you started built a following launched into podcasts, YouTube radio, et cetera? I'm not supposed to be reading this shit. Oh, these guys remind me of how I fall, how I did it.

Um, movement watches start, I don't know where I am in this copy right now. This is, this is a shit show. Movement watches started just 95 bucks at a department store. Uh, you're looking at four to five and a box movement, figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and retail marker, providing the best possible price. All right, we're making sense again over 50000 watches sold over 160 countries. Good for you. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns.

Go up by going to movement watches.com slash burr. That's MVMT watches.com slash burr. This watch has a really clean design seriously. Uh, you're going to love it. If you put it on, you're going to get compliments. Now it's the time to step up your watch game without breaking the bank. Go to MVMT watches.com slash burr. It's fucking hilarious.

Right. I want a purebred dog. I can't afford one. So I started pure breeding dogs. That's not even a good example. I wouldn't even know how you'd fucking do that. I wanted my own island, but I couldn't afford one. So I bought islands.

I started, I started a company that made islands. Bill, we get it. All right. All right. Stamps.com everybody is the easiest and convenient way to get postage right from your desk. Buy and print official US postage using your own computer and printer with Stamps.com. There's no guesswork. They make it easy to get exact postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail, the instant you need it.

I use Stamps.com to send out all my posters whenever I'm selling them. Like next weekend, Saturday through fucking Wednesday in Washington, DC. I'll have a poster, the tune up, the tune up for my special. Um, sign up for Stamps.com and use my last name burr for this special offer. Four week trial plus $110 bonus offer, including a post, including postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr. B-U-R-R.

That's Stamps.com. Enter burr. There's no reason to keep going to the post office. All right. Okay. Let's get back to the fucking questions here. Um, let's see where the hell was I? Okay.

Water. Dear Billy, wet phone. All right. We did that one. Okay. Yeah. It's all you. This thing said PS, uh, keep a little black book, follow your phone numbers from now on

so you never lose another contact. I'm actually doing that with a couple of little red books. I couldn't find the black ones. All right. CEO. Hey there, Billy boss. If you could become CEO of any company for a couple of months, which company would it be?

And what would you try to change? Monsanto. When I'd stop poisoning the food. Oh, Antony Monsanto just now owned by bear. Bear doesn't care. Uh, imagine, uh, you have a few months. So it's not like you get to get fired day one for joining Apple and changing the name to orange for selfish purposes.

Also you pick Apple and can also pick any other company you talk less about as well. Haha. Thanks for everything. I think I answered it. My dyslexia kicked in and none of those sentences made sense to anybody. Those last two ones. What did it say? Oh, it gives a shit.

Yeah, that's what I would do. I would, I don't know. It would be nice if the way corporations will run, you know, at some point you made enough money and at some point you thought, well, hey, what would this be doing to the environment? I, what would this be? You know, I actually heard that they're lobbying. They got all these lobbies going on right now to make marijuana illegal again at the state level because allegedly prescriptions, medication has dropped drastically in states

where marijuana use is legal. And so they want to make it legal, illegal again, evidently. My question is, well, why don't the big pharmaceutical companies just start making weed, you know, and phase out these other fucking pills? They're not working anyways. You know, they don't work. You know, all those fucking side effects. I mean, it's fucking nuts.

This is shit that you can take literally. That's just for something like really basic. And if you get on it for a while, if you come off it, if you come off it too fast, there's a chance you might kill yourself. I mean, they never had stuff like that when I was a kid. You know, somebody was all over the place. They were, they were fucking, they were called a spaz. It was a fucking spaz, man.

He's all over the fucking place. You know what I mean? I know it's a bad word in Scotland, my apologies, but that doesn't mean shit to us. You guys say cunt every other word. Yeah, I guess, I don't know. That's one of those super depressing kind of questions because when you really think about this, really no fucking reason for our behavior towards one another. You know what I mean?

I don't know. I think it just comes down to this just really, you know, you know, you remember when you watched like Planet of the Apes, it was like the chimps, they were the fucking doctors, then you had the orange ones, they were the old ones, and then you had the gorillas and they would like the fucking maniacs or whatever, which was sort of oddly racist. They were the darkest of all the apes, you know what I mean? They were the worst, and I guess what? The chimps were subtly supposed to, I guess the orange ones were supposed to be gingers

and we were supposed to be the best of people. I don't know. You can, you can always read into all of this shit, but like, I don't know. I think, I think people look kind of like that. You know what I mean? Like, you got fucking nice kind of, hey man, you know, whatever, you fucking yammy man, you know, and then you just got fucking complete psychos who would literally stab a baby in the head to get another inch forward, and I think those people really succeed in life.

Like, when you just don't give a shit about, you know, and I'm not saying I'm a fucking perfect person because I've done some horrific shit, but I'm just saying, you know, that's just the pain that I've caused on an individual level. Forget about if you're doing it at the fucking corporate level. I don't know. I just love those people go, well, if I didn't do it, someone else would be doing it. That's, that's usually a good, that's usually a nice red flag that you're doing something fucked up, but I really think that we are, this is depressing.

You might want to shut it off now. I think we are the, there's a flaw in our design and the way we are wired, we're, it's inevitable that we're going to destroy ourselves. It's just, you know, and I really don't think that it's not even necessary human thing. It would be like, whatever the next thing on the food chain was, if we weren't here, it would be taking too much and it would, in its own fucking way, would be fucking up the balance of nature and all that type of shit.

But I don't know if I 100% believe that, but I just look at it that way because then I don't, I can just, I can deal with some of the shit like that. I do have to say though, this presidential election and these two choices is one of the most depressing fucking things I've been around in a long fucking time. I can't believe, I just can't fucking believe it's a reality TV show star or the fucking devil who, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. All right. Halloween costume.

Let's get off that topic. Hey Bill, when was the last time you dressed up for Halloween? Two years ago. I dressed up as John Bonham. If you had to go to one of these celebrity dress-up parties like where Heidi Klum goes all out every year and shows up looking like an extra from the Tom Cruise movie Legend, what would you dress up as when millions of women look at a U.S. weekly at the hair salon? Who will they see Billy Redface dressed up as when they get to the celebrities wear stupid

costumes just like us section? Well, first of all, those are all the beautiful people. So I'm out. I'm not in that section. So I don't think they wear. But let's just say all the beautiful people got hit by a truck and it got all the way down to why, you know, was in that thing. Let's see.

I would probably, John Bonham, I've done that one enough. Who would I dress up as? Somebody like that's known but sort of obscure. Cause you don't want to be like the 12th douche to show up, you know, dressed as like Donald Trump is going to be like everybody's doing that. Or Hillary, you don't want to dress up as Steve Jobs. I still think he's fucking known well enough. You got to, you got to dress up like, let's see here.

Who'd be a good one? Who's a good fucking, they were the, you know what I mean? Like if you were going to dress up like somebody and, you know what, you got me. This is, I would have, this is something you just can't fucking pull this gem out. Like, you know what? Dressing up like the professor instead of Gilligan. It's basically that formula, but not that example. You know what I mean?

Who the fuck lost the last presidential race? Obama ran against who? Was it McCain? I don't know, Bettina Faye did the fucking, the chick, she did that one to death. I don't know, you know something, Bill Belichick might be a good one. For as well known as he is, I was out in here in LA and I just dressed like him. I think people would love it, a hoodie with the fucking cut off sleeves. You just have it up, you know?

Maybe him. You know what? I would go Vince Lombardi, maybe an old football coach. Go out with Tom Landry, but I got to pick somebody with a fucking block head like mine. Something like that. Something along those lines, rather than like the hacky ones. You don't want to go out with fucking Chewbacca. Anything from Star Wars, any superhero.

I mean, that's just fucking lame. Trump, Hillary, that's fucking lame. Obama, if you're me, you're going to get in trouble for being in blackface. So you got to leave them alone. Oh shit. That's a good question. I'd go out with like Phil Rudd, drummer for AC DC. And people say, who are you?

I'd say Phil Rudd. And people said, who's that? And I'd be like, you got to be ashamed of yourself. And you just walk away. So you get to like have a cool costume and scold people. There's a way to go. You know? Pick somebody who people you feel should know, but they don't know it.

Addresses Clive Burr. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. All right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. I'm going to watch those Formula One races. I'm hoping the Red Sox can come back. I just want to be able to sit down and watch a fucking game.

I don't know anybody on the team. I know Padreuer and I know big poppy. And when he leaves, I'm just going to know Padreuer. Plus this one Cleveland fan was like fucking talking shit to me. A buddy of mine. He's going to go fucking, you know, Tito is playing a chess game with the fucking Red Sox. And I jokingly wrote back like, you don't need to talk to me. You don't need to talk to a Red Sox fan about Tito playing chess.

I saw him play chess a few times when he was here. And it just completely went over the guy's head. You know what I mean? I don't know. I'm just sitting there going like, hey man, you guys are looking pretty good. Nothing. Our bullpens dominating. We're fucking weird.

We have a couple of injuries. And that means it's like, I hope you constantly win another one in 60 years. I was fucking rooting for you. Ah, fuck. Do I have another phone or tomorrow? I have one phone or this is when you call in. Oh shit. I'll get up that early for these guys.

Hey, I'm going to be on the sports junkies. I love these guys. I haven't talked to these guys in fucking forever. The sports junkies. I remember Lurch would always be fucking sitting there all splayled, like six foot 10 guy. Always in sweatpants. I'm going to be calling in at 6.20 AM, which is 9.20 Eastern time. I'm going to be calling that.

And it's to promote my shows at the National Theater October 15th through the 19th, 15th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 19th, five nights running my fucking mouth. Getting ready for my special. And then I do the special and then my fucking year is basically over. I'm just going to edit the rest of fucking season two. I'm going to be doing comics come home in Boston. And that's going to be about it. It's going to be about it. All right.

Well, that's the podcast for this week. Once again, I really meant that about being able to buy that car. Thank you to everybody who came out to my shows throughout the fucking years. And that's it. Jacksonville. I hope you guys can dig yourselves out nice and quick. I bet the weather's nice now, now that it's fucking over. And I hope the insurance companies don't fuck you too bad.

But either way, when you can go back to that city again, when I get my next hour, I'm definitely going to come through because Jacksonville is always going to be on my tour schedule. I always have a good time when I run through there. And who's kidding who? I got to get back to Gainesville to make that up, which I think I might be doing in February because in February, I'm going to be going to the Daytona 500. I've always wanted to go to that thing way back since Rusty Waller's hair again, hair, a wall trip, Kaleigh Arbor, Bill Elliott, Rusty Wallace, right? Dale Earnhardt. Who else ran back then? Dick Trickle.

All right. That's the podcast. Fuck those. I will talk to you. I'll check in on you on Thursday. I really had to try not to make a noise when I sat up there doing that shit.