Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-11-21

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

Bill rambles about over celebrating, Mario Batali, and office mutiny.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 11th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? How are you? Dude, what's the deal with daylight savings? Daylight savings, they're not going to fall back. I choose the fight back. What movie was that? They're not going to fall back until fucking November. Used to be like in October. You know what I mean? What are we doing? The fall is supposed to be dark, right? This is when you start making your pumpkin bread, the kids go trick or treating. It's supposed to start snowing. Now, they want to fucking sun out all day, all day so you can go to work, you know, unless you're still collecting checks, you fucking

sneeze and cunt. Yeah, so they're not going to, they're not going to, they are not going to turn the clocks, but let's see, daylight savings, daylight savings is from March 14th until November 7th. It used to be October until April. So now it's basically, let's see, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, eight fucking months. Is this because there's so many depressed people out there? Like Tyson Fury, he was talking about how he was all depressed and all that. He had all the belts and all that. I didn't read too much on that. I did watch that fight. Did you guys see the fight? I watched the fight. Yeah, I saw that fight. I don't think I'm into boxing anymore. Just

watching those guys just one fucking punch after another to the head, like post CTE, just watching the punishment. And now the big thing is they cut to the crowd so they can show their wives, the wife of the fighter that's losing crying. It's just like, Jesus Christ. I felt horrible for the other guy. Tyson Fury reminds me of, did you ever see that movie a long time ago? You're old like me. They used to have these monster movies called Creature Double Feature. There was this B movie called The Amazing Colossal Man. I've talked about this before. It was sort of like ahead of its time as far as talking about how shitty the fucking military treats the troops. It was back in the day. They ignite

an atomic bomb and they just made these guys, this whole platoon or whatever, walk towards it to see what would happen in the event if they did something like that and like they all died of cancer because of the radiation. So anyways, this movie, I think sort of goes to address that. I don't know. So this, this guy is in the army and atomic bomb goes off and he gets fucking, you know, all his clothes get blown off or anything. No full frontal. It's the 1950s. It's a conservative time. They didn't have his wang hanging out. He should have. He should have his 1950s deck hanging out. He probably would have got a fucking Oscar. You know, that was such a brave performance to have your ding dong fucking swirling around.

There was a man five feet away with a fan blowing on your dick and balls, making them flip flop. As you landed in the dirt, you know, simulating, standing there in atomic bomb. And the Oscar goes to dick and balls. The amazing colossal man. So anyway, the result of that in the movie was the guy just starts growing uncontrollably and it's fucking, you know, he just, he kept getting bigger and bigger and they were trying to help mount. He was fucking with his temperament. I rewatched the movie about a year ago and then there's a part in the end, they fucking, you know, the army takes him out. He falls into like the Hoover dam spoiler alert, right? And he just goes headfirst and then that's the end.

Amazing colossal man goes headfirst into the fucking Hoover dam. And then, but it was, you know, it's a complex character. Like he was, he didn't want to keep growing. Obviously he felt alienated. He felt, he felt like not one with everybody else. And then he was slowly losing his mind, I think, because he was growing or whatever. And then in the end, the army that he served in ended up taking him out. So there was a lot for that actor to do. And then the second one, he just crawls out of the Hoover dam and his head's all fucked up and his face is all fucked up. But he's just walking around going, ah, ah, that's the performance, the home of you. And I'm thinking that guy's got to be like, well,

how much are you going to pay me? I just got a grunt for fucking 90 minutes. I get another check. All right. Well, I mean, I thought the original amazing colossal man was going to lead to something. So anyway, to see a six foot nine, you know, boxer like that's what he, Tyson Fury is like the real version. I feel the amazing colossal man. The guy steps over the top rope, like fucking Andre the giant and six foot nine and can slip punches. I mean, he's both of them were amazing to watch. It was a hell of a fight, but I, you know, Jesus Christ, the fucking punishment that those two guys did to each other. My God. And both of them, like a fucking Rocky fight, they'd go down and then they get back

up. I mean, you have to, I'm not big bucks. Was it Dante Wilders as name? Was that a safety on Tampa? I have no fucking idea. Okay. I got so much shit going on. I got two kids out of the age of four. I can't keep anybody's name straight. Now God damn it. The guy went in there and he fucking anytime you box, you risk your life. So I got to make sure I get this guy's name right. Tyson Fury versus Wilder. All right. Okay. All right. Do I got it? Did I say Deontay? I hope I said that right. Anyway, both of those guys just going down and then coming back up and fighting again. It was just, it was, it was an amazing fight, but I got to be honest with you. Just watching that, you know, I just thought both of them, it's like, I hope

they both retire soon. I hope, you know, they get millions for this. Just keep your fucking money. Spend it wisely. Don't try to save your whole fucking family and neighborhood in the next town over. Okay. You're the one going in there getting your fucking head knocked around. Just keep your fucking money. So congratulations to them for one of the best pay per views I've seen in a long time. And you know what's so funny is like boxing's been in such a shitty way. They kept telling me during that. Now this year you really get your money's worth. That's a great pay per view. They just kept telling me what a great pay. It's like, I know it is. I'm sorry a YouTube star is digging it. You, you left the fucking door open by running your business so fucked up that a YouTube star

is taking food off of your plate. They must have said, this is unbelievably exciting and worth the money in roundabout ways, at least once a round I felt. But anyway, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I would have been terrified if I was a ref. 206, 9277. The other guys, I don't know, six something and fucking 240. And they're slipping punches and I'm just like, I do not want to be those YouTube, those fucking YouTube blooper things in boxing where the box is fucking slips of punch. It's usually a hook. Mrs. He punches the ref. Oh, Jesus, a glancing blow from either one of them. I'd have to learn how to talk again. Anyway, so I've been watching some baseball cause my Red Sox went bam, bam, bam. I'm playing the Tampa Raid Devil Raids who have just owned

our asses for, I don't know how long, seemingly forever. And game one, they came out and their fucking starting pitcher gave us the right their friend just pitched a fucking gem. And it was four to nothing. And I'm watching and some kids up and we call this shift and there's a guy on fucking third base. So there's nobody covering third, the guy's halfway up the fucking line. And we have a lefty on the mound who like his windup, it was longer than it takes me to tie my shoes. He fucking just took off and he stole on plate. So it's much as it sucked to watch my team lose game one. That's an exciting play to watch. And then game two was just like a video game. Like no matter how many runs either team scored, it wasn't enough. I want to say we scored

two and then they scored five in the first inning. And we came back and somehow we were up like six or seven or five and then they came back, scored a couple. We were like eight to five or eight to four maybe. Then they scored two more runs. All of a sudden it's eight to six. It's like, we really don't have to score 10. I think I came up with the score was like 14 to eight or something. It was some fucking crazy, crazy game. Bats came alive. And as much as I was excited about the bats coming alive, I was just like, well, you know, we also gave up six, seven, eight runs. That's not too exciting. So then it comes back to Boston. And we played today. I spent the whole day with my son. So I missed the game. I just saw the highlights and Red Sox walk off to run Homer.

And either the 12th or the 13th inning. Amazing. I saw some double raised fans whining about, you know, they fucked it over in a fucking obscure rule, man. Now they applied it properly and you were unfamiliar with the rule as was I, but it is a rule. The big conspiracy theory that they're trying to help out the larger markets. It's like, that's not how they help out the larger markets. They help out the larger markets by having a luxury tax that George Steinbrenner completely took advantage of. It was ridiculous, which I felt was, you know, way more cheating than fucking banging on a trash can. And then my Red Sox followed them right over the cliff and we started spending $182 million. Like,

you know, and some other was going, oh, the fucking it's fixed. It's like, that's not how you fix a game, but you don't call a rule correctly. For those who didn't watch the game, basically one of the double raise hit a ball and there was a guy on base that would have scored. But the ball hit off the Red Sox player and went into the crowd. And if it's incidental contact, if he didn't do it on purpose, it's a ground rule double. So that guy had to go back to third. So it sucked for them. It's just one of those fucking things, but it is the proper application of the rule. So you just got to kind of take it. Sometimes it doesn't go your fucking way. You know? Yeah, but if you're going to fix a game, you pay off an umpire and he does it with

the strike zone. You're not going to be able to fix this game. Gee, I really hope this guy hits the ball and it incidentally glances off another player so we can fuck him out of a run in the 12th inning. It's not how you fix a game. Sorry. That goes back to that. Fuck it. I remember there's always somebody saying, especially the fucking Colts, those fucking pussies, always talking about cheating, you know, I liked the tuck rule. That was another one. One of the funniest things I ever saw was Raider fans talking about cheating who literally that is their model. If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. The most penalized team in professional sports history and just the amount of cheating that they did. I mean,

if all you got to do is read any autobiography from a fucking Raider in the 70s, the shit that those guys used to do was fucking hilarious. So whatever. I hate when people fucking whine about shit like that, which I probably have done when my team loses. But I mean, hey, what are you going to do? It is what it is. It is what it is. It is a fucking rule. But I got to tell you something. Watching postseason baseball, first of all, unbelievably exciting. And then secondly, the home run celebrations that these kids do nowadays, I swear to God, is the reason why you cannot take fighting out of hockey. There's always these fucking assholes who don't watch hockey or don't understand the game that are always saying, you got to get fighting out of hockey. And it's

like, look at baseball. Look what happened to baseball now that a pitcher can't fucking throw it a hitter. I mean, these fucking, I remember when we had a home run, he's fucking yelling at the dugout. He was like a wrestler coming out from behind the curtain. He's pointing, I don't know, like this is my fucking stadium. He's stumping his fucking chest. He's pointing up to his dead uncle in heaven. And he hasn't even gotten a first base shit. The fucking third base coach is gesticulating less than this fucking guy walking out the end. That's what happens. That guy would never do that shit when I grew up. Because if he did one of those fucking things, the next guy would take one right between the fucking numbers. And then the next time he came

out, he'd throw it his fucking head. But nowadays, as a baseball player, you can go up to bat with half a fucking football helmet on with that thing covering your face, right? And then you can have like a suit of armor from your shoulder, your lead fucking arm, and just hang out over the plate. Hang out over the plate. Dude, the other side of the plate, the pitcher used to own that. That was it. You weren't getting that. Fuck you. All right, you can have the middle of plate to the inside. That's you. But that outside of the plate, that is fucking mine. And if you try taking that from me, I'm going to act like you said something to my wife and I'm throwing right at your fucking head. That's what happened. Okay. That's what watching these fucking kids do. It's

so fucking. It's so now the pitchers do it. They strike some of the other fucking awesome fucking cuts and then they fucking go into the dugout. It's hilarious. I don't know. I guess maybe I'm just an old guy, but I'm just watching it going like I don't understand. Just don't understand that. You know, you're not allowed to be in the paint anymore. So you dunk on nobody. And then after you do that, you just look at the opposing fan base under the, under the net. You just go, I don't understand. It's just all like that, you know, look at me. I'm a beast. But then if you go to dunk the ball and you fuck up and it goes off the back of the rim and goes back to half court, then what do you do? Oh, I just go, oops. He just sort of, sort of jog back.

You know, we strike out. I mean, I don't know. It's just funny watching people talking shit in baseball. When all you got to do is be successful three out of 10 times, which is what I did in math class that I had to go to summer school every year. These fucking assholes go to the hall of fame. I'm sorry. I'm just fucking around. I just, I really hate self congratulatory fucking I'm a beast bullshit when, you know, it's just like, you know, just enough, enough. I get it. Like, you're not the first person to ever hit a home run, hit a fucking home run and run around the bases. Okay. I don't need to fucking, what are they yelling about? What do you, why? I just went up and mic'd up. What is he saying? Did you see that? It went over the fence.

That's exactly what I was supposed to do in this stadium right now. Were the other guys on the bench saying he couldn't do it? Did he just win some money? I just don't understand what the fuck they're yelling at. I don't know. How about those New England Patriots getting their asses whipped by the fucking Houston Texans? And then all of a sudden, what do they do? They make one of the number, if they make the number one mistake you don't do in football, don't get fucking cute. Fourth and two, you've decided to punt, punt the fucking ball. What do these fucking jerk offs do? What do they do? Huh? Evidently, they went to go see Joel Olstein and Joel Olstein was like,

God wants you to act like it's a fake punt. He wants you to go up there and act like you're going to be a quarterback and then back up, but not far enough. So you booted and it goes off your linemen's ass for zero yards. God wants you to do that. I really resented all the people that said, I look like that guy. It's like, make up your mind. Okay. Well, I thought I looked like the Buffalo Bills coach. What? Cause they're fucking five and O currently playing the chiefs. You know, now I don't look like that guy. I only look like the people that fuck up when the bills suck. McDermott or whatever his name is, is building the goddamn team. You know, that's when I look like them, but now they're undefeated. How come I can't still be that guy? I want to be

that guy. You know, he's not paying for any wings in that fucking God forsaken town. The Bermuda Triangle of the Rust Belt, the Sports Bermuda Triangle of the Rust Belt, the Buffalo Bills. I literally tweeted today. I was like, uh, the fucking Patriots dude, right? Cause we, uh, scored a touchdown to tie it up or whatever. And some guy just right, congrats. Wow. You're beating the worst team in the league. And I'm like, who's this cunt? Right? So I look at his profile and I just see all this Buffalo shit sabers and fucking the bills and I'm like, Oh, that's what it is. Sorry. We've been fucking you guys in the ass twice a year in the regular season for the last fucking 20 something years. I get it. I get it. You haven't beaten us

since Jim Kelly was there. Is that what it is? Maybe you beat us once or twice. I get it. So that was an easy win for me. I just, why as, as a Buffalo fan, would you ever talk shit? Your trophy cases are empty. They're empty. You've never won anything. I'm sorry. They might have won an AFL title. Was that the Chargers? I used to know the, I used to know all the AFL champions. Let's look this up. Let me, let me put some respect on these wings for Buffalo AFL champions list. Fuck it. Not, not soccer. AFL football, football will still do that. AFL put Chargers in there because I know that they want it. AFL championships from football all game. Okay. Here we go. Okay. The Houston Oilers in 1960 beat the Los Angeles Chargers.

The Houston Oilers are now the Tennessee Titans and Los Angeles Chargers are now the Los Angeles Chargers for a brief time from 1961 and 2017. They were the San Diego Chargers. Houston Oilers next year, they beat the San Diego Chargers. 1963, the San Diego Chargers. Finally, 51 to 10th drubbing of the Boston Patriots. Boston Patriots later becoming the New England Patriots, trying to draw all states fans in. That's the only reason why Buffalo Bills defeat the San Diego Chargers. Dude, the Chargers went every fucking, you look at this. Chargers, Chargers. Oh no, they didn't go the second, the Dallas Texans. Now the Kansas City Chiefs. All right, 1964, the Buffalo Bills. There it is. And they won it in 65. Would you look at that? Then around 67, 68,

they get OJ Simpson. OJ Simpson loving that fucking cold town of white women. Oh shit. Anyway, so after that, they called a fake, they acted like they were going to do a fake punt and then the guy was supposed to quickly, you know, hoping that the return man would run up, which he did. And then all of a sudden the punter is trying to run back and boot the ball over his head before the guy has a chance to run back. The punter got blamed. It's a fucked up. It's like, I don't know. It was a fucked up, you know, it was a fucked up call. You know, I realized I never finished my hockey fighting thing. So now that you can't throw the fucking ball at these goddamn hitters, like you just see how awful their fucking behavior is now every time they hit a

fucking home run, right? And that's like fighting. If you just took the fighting out of hockey and some kind like trying to end your career, all he's going to get is a five minute major or a fucking 10 minute game misconduct, worst case scenario, the occasional 10 game suspension. You can't just take the fighting out of it. You'd have to take the fighting out and then you'd have to get rid of all the dirty players. You'd have to get rid of all of that. You'd have to get rid of all of the sociopaths. Yeah, you can't do that. You need the fighting in the game to keep people fucking their sticks down and all of that shit. And you need pitchers to be able to fucking drill the next guy, you know, in the fucking ribs. So you don't have to watch somebody

screaming into the dugout like they just, I don't know what, they just fucking won a war or something. They did win a war at the plate, man. All right. Anyway, so some Devil Raise fans are fucking whining. I don't know why they're whining. Okay, they fucking won a Stanley Cup and they just want to fucking Super Bowl. You know what I mean? One goddamn thing goes, doesn't go your fucking way. What is the problem? Okay. And not to mention you end up losing by two. So quit your crying. All right. Anyway, I, sorry, I don't know why. This is a very sports heavy day. Yeah. So I basically, I spent my day whole day with my kids today. It was awesome. And around midday, my wife took my daughter to her uncle's house for a birthday party. So then I just spent like the

rest of the afternoon with my son and we had, we had the best frigging time. First of all, my daughter out of nowhere just started telling me that she wanted an apple pie. And I was like, you want an apple pie? And she's like, yes. Dad, do you know how to make an apple pie? I was like, I do. I do not make an apple pie. She goes, okay, can you make it tonight? Like, well, I don't think we have enough apples here. So I, well, I need, can you go to the store and, you know, tell me all that stuff. So for some reason, she told me she wanted it for breakfast. So I was like, all right. So I said, okay, I can't remember if I already told you guys this story. So I say to my wife, like, all right, I got to go to the grocery store and get

some apples and stuff. And she's just like, Bill, you can't keep doing this instant gratification. They're going to, you know, you're going to spoil them and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, you're right. You're right. You're right. Overcompensating for the way I grew up. Can I have an apple pie? No. What is it? Fucking Christmas? Oh, I was shut the fuck up. Right. That's shit. So, um, yeah, so I try to fucking, you know, overcompensate. I think I'm doing a good job because there's definitely a line. It's definitely, I have a line, but my line is, it's, it's pretty far down the road. Like you have to do, um, like I can't think of anything that really upsets me that my kids do.

Oh, they scream in my ear. That's what kills me when they're play fighting that screeching in my ears. I already ring because I got the fucking tonight is there. I'll be like, oh my God, just don't yell into my ear like that. So sometimes I literally wear like ear plugs from smart because they're going to be squealing or whatever. So anyway, um, yeah, so I'd made this apple pie and my son had it for the first time. It was just like, he had like, like took a bite and he started had like, you know, two chews of it and he just looks up at his big grid. Like, what is this? So, uh, when my wife left, she said, I was like, all right, what, what should I give him for lunch? She was like, oh, you get something, you know, some fruit and a little bit of this that if you

want, you can have a dessert, you can have a little bit of apple pie. I'm like, okay, that's happening. So, uh, we hung out and did that. I was watching football with him. He has a little bit of a cold, this fucking lingering cold. Whatever the hell this thing is, is that's going around. Um, so I took a steam with them, you know, I took a steam with them the other day too. I had one of the worst moments as a dad, uh, took a steam with him. He was kind of wriggling around everything. I was like, I can't, you know, because the steam's coming out, you know, not only had him in the, you know, I had it turned down low just to get this stuff because kids don't know how to blow

their nose, right? So he got up, I ended up setting him down. I wasn't even thinking, I'm like, okay, the steam's off, so he won't get burned or anything. And he fucking walked and he came, I know you guys know, he fucking, he was standing up and then he wasn't. I, I turned away for two seconds to set this thing. What was he doing? He was, oh, my wife had like some sort of spray bottle that he kept trying to get to. And he just fortunately landed mostly on his ass. And then, but then he hit the back of his head just ever so like not bad. I know that sounds horrible. Oh, and he started crying. I felt fucking so bad. Beating, still beat myself up to that. But it was like, it went from like the greatest moment, like taking a steam with your son and some,

you know, guy shit, right? Hanging out. And you know, he was enjoying it. I was sort of fascinating, you know, the crap was coming out of his nose. And then after a while, it was just kind of like, all right, this is too hot. And that's what I went to take him up. But then we did it again the next day. And I made sure that he didn't fall down. But Jesus, is there anything fucking worse than when your kid gets hurt on your watch? Oh my God. My wife's cool. She goes, don't beat yourself up about it. It happens. Like he's fallen out of the bed. You know, when he, I, you know, I sent him down, he rolled off out of the bed and bubbly, you know, they're resilient. They get back up and stuff. I was like, yeah,

did you feel good after it happened? She's like, no, I go, all right, that's what I'm going through here. But anyway, we did that. And then I took him for a walk through the neighborhood, put him in the stroller and all that stuff. And just had an awesome time with them. He's a really, really good kid likes throwing the ball. He's strong as hell. And I'm finding he's really, he's into music. It was just really cool. Like he makes a B line. Got this little toy piano thing. And he just makes a B line for it. He loves it. And if I start playing, I got a little acoustic guitar. If I play a little bit, strum a few chords. He has a big grin and he walks over and he listens and he reaches out. He wants to try and play it. It's so fucking cool. So we'll see, we'll see. Worst case scenario,

he's just a music lover. Best case scenario, we have a drum battle, you know, or maybe he fucking picks up the guitar or whatever. My daughter loves playing guitar. Who knows? Who knows? I could jam with my kids. Can you imagine that? One plays bass, one plays guitar. Might turn it into Joe Jackson here, but I'm not, I don't want to put them on the road. I just want to fucking jam with them. Teach them an AC DC song. Highway to hell. That's an easy one, right? Ah, fun days, fun days ahead. All right, so here we go. Let's do some reads here. Some reads here for the week. Where am I going here? Oh, Indochino. You know, the right outfit

can bring out something special in us. And with Indochino, creating your best look yet could be more affordable than you think. Talk about any special occasion, occasions that have been postponed over the year, or any events that are coming up soon that you are looking forward to. Well, my entire standup tour of last year was canceled. What am I looking forward to? I am looking forward to a bunch of stuff that I can't talk about that literally is going to get announced here in the next cup tomorrow, I think. But as far as what I have on the books, I am looking forward to going to Milwaukee. I got that coming up. I got Atlanta this weekend. I got Long Beach and all of those things. Last

time I played Long Beach, you know what? I wore a suit. I did. I mean, that's the terrorist theater. That's where Richard Pryor live in concert when he has the red shirt, the black pants, and the silver shoes. And he pulled up to the venue. It was fucking amazing. And it looks the exact same. And I couldn't believe that I was playing there. So, yeah, it wouldn't be bad to get an Indochino suit. Anyway, maybe even been a while since the last time we had an excuse to dress up. But whenever that next chance is, make the absolute most of it with Indochino. Indochino offers completely custom-fitted suits, shirts, casual wear, and more at surprisingly affordable prices. Every piece is made to your exact measurements,

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one thing to say. Fuck you, lady. Kidding. Kidding ladies. I'm sorry. Isn't this the month of the women? Have you noticed the pink shit has come back? I just saw that at the Bill's fucking Kansas City game. You're sitting there. You're trying to decompress the end of the fucking week. You know, you've got a bunch of shit coming up. And then all of a sudden, everybody's holding up a side. Hey, by the way, my dad died of cancer. Oh, thank you. Thank you for telling me that. Fantastic. I have friends that died of cancer. I'm not going to bring that up when you're trying to watch a fucking ball game. For the life of me, I don't understand what that moment is about. What is that moment about? I have no fucking idea what it is about. Okay. Well, how come we don't have a game

where everybody, hey, you know, let's talk about, I don't know, the mumps. That's the disease. Is that a disease? Is it an affliction? Is it a virus? I don't care what it is. It's a fucking conspiracy. The mumps never even happened. I don't even sound like nothing does it, the mumps. Zip recruiter. Zip recruiter. You know, there are some things in life that I like to pick out myself. Like my wife. I picked her out all by myself, you know, in some parts of the world, you know, get that privilege. So I know that I've got the one that's best for me. Like cuts of steak, mattresses, bottles of wine. What if you could do the same thing for hiring everybody? Yes, try to wrap your head around that. Choose your ideal candidate before they even apply.

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and everybody's like, oh, then you have orange chicken in a fight with your wife on the way home. It's the salt and fucking sugar are messing with your brain. All right, because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, you could sit back, relax, and enjoy the fire. Upgrade your backyard with a solo stove fire pit and join the warm ambiance, the mesmerizing flames. All right, they're getting crazy with this. Look, whoever wrote this, after you use ambiance, okay, that's enough big words for my listeners. You can't use ambiance and two seconds later, say mesmerizing, mesmerizing flames. What do we burn in here that all of a sudden I'm just going, hey, man, look at those flames and all the opportunities to create more good moments

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You know something? That's right. Solo stove is right up there with Smoke Monday. My two fucking favorite names of the fall. Shop the fall event now and get an extra $10 off when you use promo code BAR at checkout. They're so confident you'll love it. They offer a lifetime warranty and a 30 day free return policy. Just go to solo stove and remember you get $10 off when you use the promo code BAR. I mean, you got a fire pit and there's no smoke. It's perfect. All right. Please mention that your new dates will be announced Tuesday on billbird.com. I did mention that. I have my whole 2022 celebrating 30 years of stand up common 30 years of my ignorant

fucking thoughts. How in God's name was my first show 30 years ago? I got to be honest with you. It seems like forever ago, which by the way, the great Jim Norton posted something on his Instagram, an article, his first article he ever had written up about him from 1990. And we're the same age. I'm actually a little bit older than him. And I was like, I had no idea. I thought we started right around the same time, but that had him in 1990. I have to ask him that when he started. Because if by 1990, if he already had an article written about him, he must have been doing it at least a year. And then I'm thinking like, did he start in the 80s? I wish I started in the 80s. I would have loved to have seen what

that was like because I started right after the whole thing went right in the shitter. The big 80s standup boom was over. All right, all my tour dates will be announced on billburr.com. B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R.com. Yes. I almost said cunt. All right, Bill Burr is a jack-o-lantern. What is this? Good morning, Bill. Every year, a local park in Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, keep that, you know, something. I'm going to tease Louisville, Kentucky. That might be on my tour next year. I'm not sure. I'm not allowed to announce it yet. Louisville holds the jack-o-lantern spectacular. You know something? I would love to go to that. My wife would love to go to that. A huge Halloween event with a trail of artistically

carved jack-o-lanterns. I just attended. Sorry. I just attended last night and was thrilled to see a pumpkin carved with your face. And I had to send it along. Get the fuck out of here. My husband and I are a huge fan. Love your podcast. We've seen your live show and you were fantastic on The Mandalorian. Thank you. And King of Staten Island, of course. Thank you. All the best to you, Nia, and your family. Thank you. Texted the pictures. Yes, he did. Also, that's where that was from. That was, that was from... I gotta answer this. I'm wide open. All right. Where is it? Where is it? Let's see the fucking jack-o-lantern. Billy, oh, Billy Pumpkin at Jesus Christ. That's fucking amazing.

I like that cool coat you gave me. That is fucking wild. I'm gonna send that to my wife so she thinks I'm important. Why would somebody waste a time fucking your orange anyway? I mean, it's fucking redundant. Um, no, I'm kidding. Oh, speaking of orange, Mario Batali. By the way, I am like blown away by like those pumpkins that people carve. Like those really like fucking amazingly talented people. Like the coolest one I ever did was the Federal Reserve when I was into conspiracy theory. I made that because I was like, this is the scariest. This should be the scariest thing on Halloween. I was insufferable. I'm not saying I wasn't right, but I mean,

nobody, once I realized nobody cares, I just, I just don't have the fight in me. That's like with the vaccine. Like I gave a fuck. I gave a fuck and I gave a fuck and half of you didn't. So I was just like, I don't give a shit, whatever. I don't care. Anyways, speaking of pumpkins, Mario Batali, somebody wrote Mario Batali got canceled. Just as an FYI, Mario Batali got canceled. Why would you think I don't know this? I was a fan of the guy. I still am as far as this cooking goes. You know what I mean? I still love OJ Simpson, you know, what he did on the football field. Okay. I don't get into the after hours shit. Once Mario stops cooking, I mean, I don't know what happened. Uh, he got canceled for a bunch of sexual assault accusations. I actually,

I'm going to, this is a confession I have. I have a Mario Batali, uh, crock pot, whatever you call it. Things fucking great. It's got a big M on it. We call it the me too pot. Um, what am I supposed to throw it out? Um, throw it in the fucking ocean. The pot didn't do anything. Uh, wouldn't we, wouldn't be praising him on your podcast. I know it sucks as a chef. I used to watch his show all the time. He's a fucking incredible cook. He is fucking amazing. I learned so much about Italy through the guy and he came up with the Eedly, which I love going to that too. Having said that, you know, you shouldn't be taking out your fucking pumpkin cock at work. I mean, I, I see the whole thing. Anyways, the guy says, I hate canceled cultures, not much as the next person. Well,

I think canceled culture is different than that. If you actually fucking did shit like that, they got the right person. And that started because no one was listening to these women who were getting assaulted allegedly. I don't know if it's been proved. I don't know what. Um, we're getting insulted by these guys. Like they shouldn't have had to fucking deal with that just because they work with the guy. That, that part is all good. That part is all fine. It's then what assholes did with that. They took that and then ran with it to like, he was mean to me and say hi to me when I said hi to him in 1994. You should end his career. Then it became shit like that. Then it just became stupid.

Anyway, the guy says, I hate canceled culture as much as the next person. We're supposed to be a nation that exemplifies due process and innocence until proven guilty. Well, I mean, yeah, that's what we say, but I mean, how many documentaries do you have to fucking watch about what we've done to people specifically who are white? Um, but just wanted to let you know, because there's so much crap out there. Don't want the wolves coming after you bill. Well, you know, the thing about me is I've always said this, my career is the punishment. You know, it's usually, they usually try to take a TV show away from you or end your movie career or fucking whatever the fuck it is. And back in the day, you just, you know, now you're going to have to just go

back and do standup. But now what's going on is you can make so much fucking money doing standup. Now they're trying to take that away. You know what I mean? If you're a guy, if you're a chick, they don't give a fuck. Anyway, it says God bless you and yours. Can't wait for your next comedy album to stand up. Well, I appreciate that. I appreciate you looking out for me. I realized that the man was canceled. I do understand that. Um, he wasn't canceled. He was exposed, evidently, for whatever the fuck he was doing after work. And, uh, yeah, and that's what happens. So, but having said that, the guy can cook his ass off. You know what I mean? I used to do this joke about OJ Simpson, something like that. I was just like, listen, how the fuck did it go?

You know, I can separate the two. I can look at OJ, you know, for what he did on the football field. He was fucking amazing. Having said that, I don't condone the way the man handled his divorce. Um, no ball busting in college and plastic death. Um, okay, dear Billy, translucent skin. Fucking assholes. Um, the guy says, I'm off topic here. What is this? Where did I see that? I think I just scrolled into something else here. I'm a blue collar guy. Where did I just see I'm off topic here? Anyway, oh, it says off topic right there. Okay. I'm a blue collar guy with a job in a university in your home state of Massachusetts. Um, buddy, I moved away from there almost half my life ago.

All right. How long do I claim that place? I go back now. I don't, I don't recognize any city now. Every city has been turned into one giant luxury apartment building. I feel, um, I've been observing how odd professors are. They will, they lack the lack of eye contact and a sense of humor. Forget sarcasm and worse, this is carry carrying over to the students. I've always been the guy at work that makes people laugh and has a good time, but this place is draining. It's an easy job, but I don't know if I can stay here seven years till I retire. Oh, oh, he's at a university. I've been observing how odd the professors are. They lack the lack of eye contact and sense of humor. This is carrying over to the students. Yeah. Well, there's going to be a big pushback on that.

You know, it just is, is you can't, you just can't run any further in that direction. And then it just, it just has to go the other way. So it'll be fine. It'll correct itself. Anyway, she says off topic, Xfinity center, great woods, bro. Oh, is that what they're calling it? Cells, liquid death, but you have to put it in plastic cups. Yes, they won't give you the can. What the fuck? Oh my God, corporate fucking lawyers. Once again, afraid someone's going to get sued. It's so dumb. It is so dumb. That is the number one fucking thing we should all be talking about is how we can stop fucking doing things to this planet that's not going to make it sustainable for us to live here. Oh, well, thanks for being angry enough for the both of us

and go fuck yourself. You know, I don't think I'm that angry. I'm angrier than the next guy. But you know, I have built, I built this house on anger. So whatever. You know, I need, I need to do one of those fluff pieces. You know, let those stars always do in like people magazine, little older, little wiser, has finally found love, letting go knows who her friends are. I got to do one of those fluff pieces. So let go of the anger, but be to be. All right, my staff is running me out of my company. Well, Jesus Christ, you got a mutiny going on here. Hi, Bill Blueballs. I am writing from Latin America. Nice. English is not my first language. So apologies beforehand. Abloh Espanol.

Oh, your English seems great so far. I am the owner of a woman's underwear retail concept. Fancy enough for you. What does concept mean? I employ only women as it is difficult for us guys to select and sell these products. Oh yeah, you want a woman's if you're making women's underwear, you want a woman to be like, I would wear that. I like that. Where is the crotch in that one? You fucking pervert. All right, say, you know, trying something out. Let's just say women do a better job at picking and selling bras and panties than you or me would do. Exactly. I do have 30 plus years experience in managing these products and have a good understanding. So basically my teams, my team does day to day. I do oversight. Mind you, this is a small ass business.

Wait, English is your second language and you say this is a small ass business. That's pretty impressive. Three stores and a web sale and web sale. Sorry. The thing is, I have a team. I take good care of all women. They manage their schedule. All six of them have kids and come and go as they please as long as they do the work. Whenever we are together, I would try to get lunch, blah, blah, blah and all that. Oh, you pay for it. I think I was a good boss. Now is the team group bigger. Nothing I say or do is appreciated. You are not a woman you don't understand. If I stress too much, I'm pushing. If I let loose, I am out of touch. Bill, I just cannot win with these ladies. Well, what the fuck, dude? You never hung around with women before? What do you think was going

to be easier? Nothing I do is okay. Yeah, you sound like every married guy you know. I am the drive. I am driving the web sales, putting much emphasis on it as you should know nowadays and anything I try to implement they don't like. I have become a scared shell of a man, second-guesser of myself and everything and I find myself pitching things to my staff, scared they will not like it. All right, you lost your confidence. You got to get a victory. Thing is, three weeks ago I got fed up and had the, I've had it with you moment and have not been back to the office. Only digital communication. Oh, dude, you gave up the castle. I know this is not a long-term solution. Also, three months ago I had a heart attack. I'm 54 and came out of it better than before, but apparently

with no tolerance for bullshit, Bill, what can I do? Thank you for all you do and go fuck yourself. All right, the first thing you do is you don't argue with women. All right, you just get quiet. To say something you don't agree. At the end of the day, dude, you're the boss, so they don't have any fucking power over you unless you give it to them. All right, so what you have to fucking do is you have to be, it's the Seinfeld thing, master your domain, except you're talking about your emotions. All right, you're not doing anything wrong. You're employing everybody there. You're letting them come and go as they please. You're being a great boss according to you, and you know, all you're doing is pitching ideas. All right, so

what would I do? If there's an idea I believe in, I wouldn't give a fuck what they'd say, I'd stick with it. And that's a way to build back up your confidence. And I guess, to show them that everything that they say, I think you've kind of let the nuts run the nut house. I've never done this. I've never run a small business like this, but I don't know why you had a heart attack. Did you have a heart attack because of stress or because of the way you were eating? Were you stress eating? I have no idea. There's a lot of variables here. This one's a little out of my fucking wheelhouse, and I got issues with women, obviously, so I'm probably not the best person

to talk to. And most of my issues with women have to do with not wanting to be controlled. I don't like when people try to fucking control me, plan out my day, tell me what I need to wear, and all of that shit. It drives me up the fucking wall, especially if I'm not doing it to you. I don't like people like that, male or female. And if you get into a relationship, I don't know if it's a motherly instinct, it's just sort of, you know, what happens. And I just, yeah. Jesus, I don't even know if I answered your fucking question. I would say this, you need to go into work. Are they going to start stealing underwear from you? All right. Well, the cats away, the mice will play, as they say. So that's the first thing I would do.

And secondly, you had the heart attack, you can use that to your advantage and say, listen, I don't need heightened emotions. I'm on the other side of a heart attack. Okay. Yeah, I would just, you just need sort of a more respectable back and forth. And I would, you know, I don't know, it's always dangerous to tell women what you're thinking. Just try what I just said there. And you know something? I would also phone a friend here, try to get some better fucking advice. I don't know what to tell you. That's a hell of a situation. You're in there though. But I'm glad you didn't die from your heart attack. And I hope that you're eating some fucking greens and chilling the fuck out.

Maybe headspace, headspace meditation. Or you could also introduce a line of men's briefs, boxer briefs. Why don't you do that? And then at least that's one place where they'll have to shut up. Even then, they'll still chime in. I wouldn't fuck a guy who's wearing those. All right. Thank you, ladies. All right, girlfriend's wardrobe malfunction. Holy shit. Wardrobe malfunction. All right, Billy, the Bambino of Bimbo, bashing burr. Well, how the hell are you? I need some advice. I will do us both a favor and try to keep this short. No promises though. I too have been known to go off on long rants. Sorry, I'm yawning here. Here's my story. My girlfriend and I, and I decided to host a small

bbq pool slash pool party. Oh, what could go wrong? We figured, oh, Jesus, bikinis. Oh, no. I'm just hoping it's a titty and her clam didn't fall out, you know? But you never know that you jump off the diving board and try to touch her toes, fucking spread eagle doing the David Lee Roth and her fucking a pee lip came out. All right, my girlfriend and I, okay, we figured it would be the perfect opportunity to get everyone together again now that most, if not all of us have been vaccinated. Anyway, the bbq is going great. I'm in charge of the grill. My lady, who is a truly gorgeous woman, woman is doing the rounds mingling. Everyone seems to be having a good time. What can go wrong? You

ask? I will tell you, Bill. Oh, no. At one point, I walked over to my girl to bring her a plate of food. She was talking to a good buddy of mine who I've been friends with for over 20 years and I had as I go to hand her the plate, lo and behold, her bikini top has left her left nipple completely unattended. I'm talking Janet Jackson, complete wardrobe malfunction, Bill. Very noticeable, impossible to miss. I blurred out something like, Jesus Christ, put that away. At which point she turns away to deal with the runaway boob, visibly embarrassed. Yeah, you probably shouldn't have yelled that shit. My buddy pretending that he had not noticed at all, lets out a whoa, and turns to look away and

cover his eyes. Obviously, it became very awkward and uncomfortable. But as they say, the show must go on. Yeah, now you got to look at your buddy like, dude, you fucking saw the titty. There's no way a titty comes out and a guy doesn't notice. The woman's gorgeous. The party continued, though I did not have the whole incident, though I did have the whole incident stewing in the back of my mind. After everyone left, I spoke to my girl about it. Turns out, she'd been talking to my buddy for over 10 minutes and not once did he mention anything. Being a man myself, I have to think that he was able to expertly maintain eye contact while checking out the full moon version of a nipple slip with his periphery,

all the while uploading the image into his spank bank. Oh God. This is what sucks about being a guy. I haven't told you this, but I find myself also upset at her, though I know it does not make any sense. And it is probably the result of misdirected feelings. That's exactly what it is. But a piece of me feels it's her responsibility to keep her tits covered up. Well, what's funny is if your balls were hanging out, she'd be like, how the fuck did you not know your balls were hanging out? To add, how could she not have noticed that her nipple was basking in the floor to sun? I mean, I can sense the mildest breeze when I have plumbers cracked on display. I just choose to ignore it. My question to you, Bill, is should I confront my buddy

about this to clear the air or will it just make things more weird? I am almost certain he's just going to deny any wrongdoing. Well, how can you prove how long it was out? You don't know when it came out. How could he not? It's not like he's going to apologize and admit being a douche or offer to show me his girl's tit. Do I just drop it? I don't know, Bill. The whole thing is just, is not sitting well with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Go fuck yourself. Dude, I hate to tell you this, you're just going to have to let it go. It might affect you hanging out with the guy. It's just one of those unfortunate things that happens when you're dating a hot chick that's

got a fucking rack and a bikini top on it. A titty comes out. It comes out. It was just a titty. Just look at it positively. He got to see how lucky you were. I don't know what to tell you. Dude, sometimes you know what? You just got to take a loss. You learn more from losing than winning and you just have to go nuts. To sit here and plot revenge and fucking hate that guy, you know, who gives a fuck? Listen, if he goes home and jerks off to that titty coming out, he already jerked off to her anyway, which is kind of funny because that means you're living his fantasy, all right? And be honest with yourself. Are you going to sit there and tell me you never rubbed one out to one of the friend's chicks that they would date and get the fuck out of here?

Okay? They never bent down to pick something out and you didn't check out her ass. You're a guy. Okay? It happens. Who gives a fuck? It happens. I got to be honest with you. Like, I would get over that and would just be like, eh, you know, fucking titty came out. What are you going to do? All right? It's like Clemens back in the day, give him a home run. All right? Give me another ball. Give me another fucking ball. He didn't give a shit. Okay? Just plowed ahead. Did not deal with his emotions. Let's check out the bills. I'll tell you one thing about the Buffalo Bills, dude. They fucking cover. I took the bills last week, laying 17. They won 40 to nothing. Number one,

defense in the league, I believe. Let's see. Buffalo Bills. Buffalo Bills, 24 to 13. Going into... Wait a second. Oh, it's halftime. Is it only halftime? That can't be right. It's got to be... Oh, no. It's the beginning of the fourth quarter. 24, 13. The fucking guys just cover. I think they beat the spread every... You know, if you live in Buffalo, were you smart enough to just bet one game a week and just bury the bills every fucking week? How much money would you be up if you buried the bills and took your winnings and then doubled it and then doubled it and doubled it and doubled it? Don't do that because that gets scary.

It gets scary quick. All right. That's it. I feel like I was kind of lame with the fucking answers this week. I just had to answer. I don't know what... I don't know. You're fucking making women's underwear and you have a bunch of female employees yelling at you. What do I do? I don't fucking know. Talk to somebody who watches the fashion channel because that's like... You know, I don't know. I feel like someone in that world would know better. And then, you know, girlfriends, titty popped out. It happens. It fucking happens. And... God damn it. Now I'm starting to get mad at your friend. Whoa! You might have to dress the whoa.

Yeah, he's your buddy. He should have said something and he didn't. Dude, see, look at now I'm thinking about it. Yeah, you might have to kind of cool that relationship for a minute and then just wait for him to be like, hey, what's going on? I don't know. But then you're gonna end it over a titty. I guess it all goes like, how do you feel about this guy? You know, is most of this about your ego? Oh, my woman, my titty, right? Is it that? How much do you like? If this guy's like a real friend of yours, if he's a real friend of yours, he would have fucking said something. You can't fucking sit there when your buddy's wife or girlfriend's titty is just hanging out. You gotta

say something. Although it was a party, he could have been boozed. He could have been not thinking the right way. You know, it's a fucking difficult thing, man. I mean, it's a pool party. You know, somebody's gonna have a nip slip. It just fucking happens. You know? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Do you gonna waste all of that fucking energy? You know what it is? It's, it's, it's, can't get mad at her. You can't get mad at the situation. The thing that you can get mad at is the phony, whoa, and then covering his eyes like he's a fucking gentleman. It's just like, am I to believe that that, it might have believed that it just happened? You know what? Fuck, you gotta say something to this guy. I might have believed

that the fucking titty came out right when I was there and you didn't notice until that fucking second and then you turned away. Just be listened, dude. All right? I don't buy that. Her titty came out. You knew it came out. You didn't fucking say anything and that bugs me. I think, you know what? I think you gotta say that. Jesus Christ, I'm all over the map. But then how do you say it? Over the phone, face to face. Now you're fighting this guy? I just, you just gotta be prepared to just have this friendship and on that. And then if it ends on that, every time he sees you, he goes back to that moment, he thinks about your girl's titty. I mean, this is, this is a problem.

Hey man, it's Sunday night. I didn't want to think this hard. All right, that's it people. This is, that is the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday.