Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-12-15
Episode Date: October 12, 2015Bill rambles about the Bruins, bombing, and dumping a woman....
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What's going on? How are you?
I'm recording this Sunday because as you're listening to this, unless I post it tonight,
who's kidding who, my podcast guy posted because I don't know how to do it.
Actually, I got some acting work Monday and Tuesday.
So as always, I never tell you what the hell I'm doing because you know, you can get edited out
and then you look like an asshole.
Like you say, everybody look for me, I'll be that guy in that thing.
And then all of a sudden you're not in it.
He goes, hey, I thought you were going to be in that.
You know, laughing my ass off, epic fail actor, balding red-headed cunt.
You know, I got to deal with that all day.
So I usually don't say anything, but I'm excited.
It's going to be fun.
It's funny shit.
And so that's what I got to do over the next couple of days.
But so it's football Sunday.
I'm recording this right as the Patriots and Cowboys game just ended.
I'm not going to gloat.
I know that that was a banged up Cowboys team.
And come on, I think the last play of the game when you guys, your receiver beat our cornerback
and the ball still sailed like eight feet over his fucking head.
I felt bad for that was a number 83.
I don't know who he is.
So I know he needs those stats.
They all need the stats.
That's how they make their money.
You know, the end of the season when they're there, their, their, their sports agent comes in.
Hey, you're the guy.
I mean, for nothing, the guy, you had fucking 17 touchdowns.
So after 16, that means he fucking makes an extra four and a grand.
So if this guy comes up one short, you think he's not going to be thinking about that?
You know, when they have the Cowboys Christmas party and they don't make the playoffs,
you don't think 83 is going to be staring at that fucking, that radio contest winner
that they had a quarterback.
I shouldn't talk shit about him.
You know, I don't know anything about him either.
But that play really made me laugh because after the ball goes over 83's head,
I think that's his number, right?
You see him yelling at the corner and the corner is kind of laughing back at him.
And you know, he was going like, I fucking beat you again.
I should have had fucking 150 yards on you.
If this guy could fucking throw it to me and the other guy doesn't give a shit because he knows in the end, right?
It's just going to show up on the stats sheet.
Who gives a shit?
So anyways, you know, I felt bad for the Cowboys.
You know what I mean?
Snakebitten.
They just fucking snakebitten.
They look like they were going to be good.
Tony Roma gets hurt.
All that bullshit, you know?
But I do think on one level it was justice by the football gods that the Patriots,
who some people were suggesting, you know, if the Brady suspension went through,
could have been 0 and 4, 1 and 3, 2 and 2, that were actually 4 and 0.
I think that that means the football gods know that Tom Brady did not cheat.
Okay?
Oh, you guys can fucking roll your eyes and shake your heads all you want.
You know what the greatest thing about it is?
Is I can't hear you right now.
You ever think about that?
I can't hear you, but you can hear me.
So you have to listen to this shit.
All right?
You don't have to, but I know if you're listening to this shit right now,
you're probably doing something you don't want to be doing and you need to be distracted.
So all you can do is sit there and hope that maybe it's going to get better.
Or you could fast forward through it.
Because I'm going to tell you right now,
I'm going to talk about this for another couple, two or three minutes.
You might want to jump ahead, you know?
If you're a fucking, uh, with a big crybaby.
If you're a colts fan, you know?
It sucks that Andrew Luck has hurt, man.
I want to go in there and I want the Patriots.
Like I just said, I want to go in there.
Ah, fuck, somebody's at the door.
Hold on a second.
Hold on, hang on.
All right, I'm back.
Cleo, get over there.
Lay down.
This is what happens when you've got a crazy pit bull.
You've got to make sure you-
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You've got to close all the fucking doors so you don't eat anybody.
Lay down, buddy.
Lay down, buddy.
All right.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm back.
I'm back.
Dog's crazy, man.
Dog is awesome.
But, uh, she's only awesome to like seven people and everybody else.
Look at her right now.
She's sitting in her bed with her ears up.
You know what I mean?
Listening intently.
Totally locked in that terrier gene.
Cleo.
Still not looking.
Let's see how loud I have to say her name.
Cleo.
Cleo.
Cleo.
There we go.
Relax.
Stand down.
Um, anyways, like I said, I want to go in there.
I want to go into Indianapolis and I want to sit there and eat a fucking sausage cake
because I watch athletes play at a professional level.
No, I was saying, I want to, uh, I want to, I wanted to see the Patriots, you know,
go in and play the Colts at full fucking strength.
If we go in next week, okay, and if we win, God willing, you know, Andrew Luck's not 100%,
so I'm not going to gloat about that one.
I hate when fucking people do that shit.
You know what I mean?
So, uh, what, what, uh, what a leak.
I had a foul.
There were so many games that those one o'clock games that I just thought were over.
You know, all right, Browns are getting their ass kicked.
Seattle's killing fucking Cincinnati.
There was one other one in there.
Um, Cincinnati came back.
The Browns came back.
Who else came back?
There was like three fucking games in the beginning.
Ah, Christ, I can't.
Oh, the bills, the bills ended up coming back too.
I was watching that game.
Um, you know, Titans are young.
They don't know how to close out a team yet, but, uh, I'm always watching Rex Ryan, man.
I like the way that guy coaches and it's funny to see him lose.
Nobody takes off a fucking headset when he loses like him.
He's always good for a couple of curses.
Fucking shit.
He tears, tears the fucking thing off.
But, um, yes, when he was, I actually totally got off track.
So I was talking about, like, I literally think that, uh,
not to make excuses for, uh, how dumb I am, but there, I really think there's something wrong
with the way my brain is wired.
The way I, when I visually look at something and try and process it.
And this fucking flyer, it had, it didn't have, uh, you know, the thing was,
the show was down at the Shrine Auditorium or something like that,
which I found out Led Zeppelin actually played at.
Um, I was not in that theater, obviously.
That was in the, I was in basically the hallway area that led to the arena
that, uh, the theater, I should say, that, um, that Zeppelin played in.
And, um, anyways, but I noticed the flyer, it completely fucked me up.
Because there was shows from basically like three in the afternoon to 12 midnight.
So when they listed the shows, for some reason they started at 12 midnight
and they went backwards.
And then the block that I was in was basically Largo Comics
with, um, Veruca Saltz's band was actually the band that you got to play with,
which is fucking awesome, right?
And just the way they, they had it, like instead of going down, you know,
I can't even explain it.
I mean, wouldn't you go fucking like five, six, seven, eight, you wouldn't go 12, 11, right?
But if I had any sort of like learning visual ability, I would have just looked at it.
Like I just look at something like that and I just go like,
when I see all of that shit, it just, my brain just goes like,
ah, I can't even fucking see it.
Totally turns my brain to mush.
And all I saw was Largo.
So my dumb ass drives to Largo.
Now, obviously most of you don't live out here.
So Largo is basically, without traffic, is about 20, 25 minutes away from the Shrine Auditorium.
So there's always traffic here.
So it was a colossal fuckup on my part.
And, and of course I didn't bring the, the, I had the parking passes in the wristband.
I had all of that laid out, ready to go.
And my brain kept saying for days and days and days going, make sure you have that,
make sure you have that.
And as I was getting ready to leave, I saw it on the desk.
I'm like, oh yeah, that thing, that thing.
And then I fucking go to get my keys and then I walk out the door without the parking pass,
without the wristband, driving to Largo, the exact opposite direction when I'm supposed to go to the other fucking place.
It was a, an absolute shit show.
And I really, on the way over, I can't bring myself to say it, because I've always said that it's just an excuse.
But I would just say there's something fucked up with the way my brain is wired.
Because my whole life, it's just like, it's like, I don't think I'm dumb, but I continue to do dumb shit.
So the end of the day, right?
It's the results.
That's like, say I'm a good quarterback, but I keep losing the game, right?
So at the end of the day, yeah, you suck as a quarterback.
So I would love to hear, you know, considering I'm not a doctor, obviously, obviously, I'd like to hear your guys analysis.
Because that's what this whole fucking internet thing is about.
The internet is about people who have absolutely zero qualification, just chiming in with their opinion.
Just going on and fuck, that's what this podcast is.
I haven't looked up any, I don't fucking know anything, right?
So anyway, so I drive over to the venue and it's fucking gigantic place.
It's one of those places when they bring you into it, you don't even know what it looks like.
It's so fucking big.
I came in from like the parking structure and I get in and I'm walking by and there's the open area that I'm going to be on that stage.
And then I walk by and then I go by the theater that evidently Led Zeppelin played at.
And Reggie Watts is on stage, of course, crushing it.
I went upstairs.
I met the people in the band and then they basically just fucking ran through if you want blood and I sat there air drumming.
And that's one of those songs that fades out.
So the big thing was like, all right, how the fuck are we going to end this song?
And they were like, all right, let's do it.
So then when I came back downstairs, I'm walking by that it was this weird thing when you walked behind the theater where the guy was on stage.
I can't even explain it.
I can't even explain it.
So this time when I go down, Reggie is finishing up.
I walk in go out of this hall fucking area and then we're in the basically the giant open area that looks it looks like a giant mall after the apocalypse.
There was an upper deck, but there was no stores and it wasn't really well lit.
And so anyways, the show starts.
Greg Baron kills take the towers killing something and everybody's killing.
I got to get my shit together.
So when I walked into the other area to get my head together.
I looked and Super Dave Osborne was on stage where Reggie was just on stage.
And for guys my age and older, you remember him from that show bizarre and I'm definitely going to I got to put up some clips.
Hopefully I'll fucking remember.
I always say, I'm going to put up some clips and then I talk for another 50 minutes and I forget it, but he was on stage and I would have loved to have met that guy.
That guy used to fucking kill me when I was a kid.
And but anyways, Jesus, Bill, get to the fucking point here.
So I go on stage.
I do my thing and tell my jokes or whatever.
And now I'm going to go back and go play the fucking drums.
You know, when you sit down on somebody else's kid, it's like driving somebody else's car.
The chair is either too fucking close to the steering wheel, not the high hat and all that stuff.
So I sit down.
We start fucking playing.
I fuck it up from the very beginning, not in a bad way.
I'm just I'm just not playing it the way it is on the album.
And I can see the guitar player looking at me like, dude, what the fuck, you didn't do that upstairs.
So I continue doing the same mistake, but on time.
So, you know, nobody fucking notices, but he's looking at me like, wow, is this going to be a train wreck or at least I felt he was.
It's probably my own insecurity.
And then we start to play and I can't hear anything.
I couldn't even hear the bass drum.
And it was like, wow, this is I didn't realize that musicians have to deal with this shit.
So it's kind of cool.
So I'm literally can almost hear one of the guitarists and I'm watching his foot and I just started humming the song in my head.
I'm just doing that screaming.
I'm just back there humming this fucking song, but it was great.
They kept turning around looking at me when we were going into the verse.
So it ended up going, going great.
But the highlight of it, other than getting to play with Veruca salt, which is fucking shit.
They totally rocked the whole fucking night.
Right.
I was at one point I looked up at the crowd because that was one of my goals.
Just like was stand up.
Like I had to be like, I'm taking the mic out of the mic stand.
I'm baby stepping this thing with every once in a while playing out playing drums.
Right.
I actually was trying to look up at the crowd more.
So at one point I'm looking up to the crowd as I'm humming the song because I can't, I can barely hear people.
I saw this woman in the crowd and she was standing there.
She wasn't moving at all.
Wasn't tapping your toes.
Wasn't fucking nodding her head.
Nothing.
And she had this blank stare, but she wasn't looking at anybody.
She was just sort of daydreaming standing right in the front.
She was like the poster child for like being completely disconnected to anything that was going on stage.
And when I saw her, the old me, that would have crushed me because I was so self conscious about my playing.
But when I saw her, I actually looked down.
I just looked down and I started laughing.
And I didn't think about it until I was driving away when I was critiquing the shit out of everything I did.
I was actually driving away and I took that.
That was my victory on that one was that she clearly was not into it and it didn't rattle me.
It actually made me laugh and I was able to find the humor in that.
And I was talking to another comic about it and I feel like that's the difference between a performer that stays doing it and somebody who just after a while just quits.
I'm not saying one person is better than another, but in order to fucking do any sort of performing, you have to find the humor and bombing or you're fucked.
You have to be able to look at somebody as you're trying your fucking hardest and they're just sitting there like, I mean, dude, she was thinking about next Wednesday or some shit or something from her child.
Dude, like she was that far in the daydream.
It was fucking brutal and you got to be able to look at that and just be like, what I'm doing right now made her do that.
You know, like that's how bad I am right now.
So whatever, I was able to shake it off.
You know, it's hopefully the Cowboys will be able to shake off today's loss.
Right there.
Did I bring it back?
Speaking of losing, my Boston Bruins, my beloved, here we go, Bruins, here we go.
They're all in two.
Now we got shellacked by Winnipeg.
We played good for a period and a half, you know, but then again, you know, the game is three periods, but whatever, it's a brand new fucking team.
We got rid of everybody.
They got to figure out how they're going to jail.
Right.
So I'm not freaking out yet.
And I don't have any, you know, ridiculous expectations, especially of our coach, Claude Julian.
And I already have one guy go after we lost to Montreal.
He goes, you know, is it time to shorten up the leash on Claude Julian?
It's like, why, why would you do that?
Does he suddenly not know, no, understand the game of hockey?
Why would you blame the fact that they're all in two on him?
This guy coached the team when he had the players to winning a fucking Stanley Cup.
That was only four years ago.
It's not like it was 40 years ago.
The game hasn't passed the dude by.
Okay.
In that time we lost Tyler Sagan, Johnny Boychuk, Dougie Hamilton and Lucic, the face of our franchise.
It's a whole new fucking team.
When he had those guys, most of those guys, I don't think Dougie was on the 2011 team yet.
I can't remember.
He won a cup.
So I don't think, you know, if you're going to bitch when they're trying to redo the whole fucking team after two losses,
if you got a bitch about anybody, you got a bitch about our new GM, Don Sweeney.
That's the guy who should be taking the heat, not the fucking coach.
You know, would say shit like that, Dan Shaughnessy.
Dan Shaughnessy would say shit like that because the man doesn't watch hockey.
So anyways, I actually saw a lot of positives in the, yet another loss to the Canadians, the hated Canadians.
So many new, I mean, I didn't get to watch the Winnipeg game, but Joe Bartnick from Puck Off podcast told me that
Winnipeg is a force and that there's no fucking shame in losing to them.
And you know, they're loaded, which is fucking annoying to me.
It's like, well, how are they loaded?
How are they under the salary cap and they're fucking loaded?
I don't understand.
How do they have more money than us?
They're in fucking Winnipeg.
I've been to Winnipeg.
All right.
I don't know what the fuck you do out there, but somehow they got more money than us.
Why?
Because they're always digging a new fucking canal for a mall because it's too cold to be outside.
Maybe is that what it is?
I don't fucking know.
But anyways, I saw some, I saw some positive shit.
Jesus Christ.
We had like seven penalties and to all you Canadian fans out there, I'll admit we were guilty of all of them.
I didn't have a problem with any of the calls.
Even the five minute one that Spona took, right?
The game, the game misconduct.
I didn't have a problem with any of those.
Carrie Price looked fucking great.
And, but you know, other than the first penalty kill, which we looked like a beer league team, you know, we killed off all those, including a five minute major.
At one point we would, what's his face?
Good Lord Bill.
What is wrong with your brain right now?
Brad Marchand.
Jesus Christ.
He took a penalty.
We actually had a five on three.
They had a five on three for a minute.
We still killed that.
We had a goal called back.
I didn't have a problem with that either.
We were literally laying on the dude's mask.
But I don't know.
I didn't think we were bad.
We were competitive.
I'll give us that.
So I'm sticking it out.
I'm watching every game.
We got Tampa Bay next.
We'll probably lose to that one.
You know, I don't know.
As Bartnick told me, we got to beat the bad teams and fucking hang in there.
And who knows, we've gotten rid of everybody.
I got to think that we have some salary cap money left over that maybe we can pick somebody up or something.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know what they're doing, but don't blame the fucking coach for the love of God.
We don't even have Chara.
Chara's out right now.
But I like that number 39 kid that we got from the Ducks that, how do you say his name?
Matt Bolesky or whatever.
He looks good.
Posterknock is going to be great.
I think we got some shit.
We got some shit, right?
Gragy's healthy.
Gragy, Patrice Bergeron, you know?
I think we'll be okay.
Whatever.
I'm not going to be one of those guys that fucking bitch moans and complains, all right?
We did, we did fine.
Did fine those first two games.
I'm still going to watch them.
You know, if they keep playing the way that they're playing, I'm all right with it.
I can handle that.
As long as whatever Don Sweeney's doing is leading towards the light, you know?
Actually, Marchand took a fucking elbow to the head at the end of the game.
I think he's got a concussion.
That's brutal.
One of our best fucking guys, right?
And I don't think it was deliberate.
You never know.
I just think the guy was so much taller than him.
He was just trying to do the contact thing.
You see those people?
This is like actually seeing both sides of it.
I did that with the Patriots.
I'm doing it with the Bruins, right?
I am being a model sports fan right now.
You like that?
You probably don't because it's probably not as funny.
You really want me to fucking go off on some shit.
Is that what you want?
I'll tell you what I'm going to go off on.
Like, I actually, I felt bad for McDonald's, you know?
First of all, this whole excitement that they're trying to create about the fact that they're serving breakfast all day.
I mean, I might be out of the loop.
You know, I'm an older fellow, but nobody I knew, I know is, has ever bitched that McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast all day.
They might bitch, you know, when you show up at 1031.
Are you still serving breakfast?
No, I'm sorry, you know, and you got to hang over and you just want one of their fucking sausage, egg and cheese.
And now you got to get like a quarter pounder.
You know, something about the eggs.
You know, I got to eat some eggs in there, a little bit of biscuit, right?
I can see that.
And I can see them, hey, from now on, we're going to be serving breakfast until 11 a.m.
That would have been fine.
But to watch these guys just cave in to their fan base and just say, you know what?
Okay, you know what, you guys, you win.
You win.
You can have breakfast all day long to watch them do that.
It's like watching a great artist just completely sell out, right?
And just, you know, making songs that really meant something and connected with you to just do it.
Remember that time when Brian Adams put on the eyeliner and spiked up his fucking hair?
It's just like, how did the summer of 69 guy go from this to that?
Well, what happened?
This was McDonald's is doing right now.
They got their eyeliner on.
They got their fucking hair all spiked up.
They might as well.
It just, you know, when they announced that they fucking going to do breakfast all day,
they might as well have had Ronald McDonald behind two turntables pretending to be like a DJ.
You know, have a little self-esteem McDonald's.
Don't fucking give into these fucking animals.
Fuck them.
If you can't roll your fat ass out of bed by 10 or 10 30, you're getting a burger.
All right.
Fuck you.
I'm going to make eggs for your all goddamn day.
I'm not fucking burgers like 99 cents.
What more could we be doing for you?
Could we doing for you?
What more could we be doing for you?
See that?
That's that fucking hiccup in my brain.
I think it's a bad move.
You don't see Wendy's doing that.
Wendy's doesn't even serve breakfast.
They're like, fuck you.
We make hamburgers.
And you know what?
They're square.
Deal with it.
Right?
McDonald's, you're the dealer.
You're the pusher.
Okay.
You let the junkies come to you.
You don't start slashing prices.
Okay.
You fucking billions and billions of served the formula fucking worse.
What are they so afraid of?
Cause I'll tell you right now, you know what sucks?
Denny's.
Let's just talk breakfast food right here.
You know, Denny's fucking blows.
I don't know what it is about.
They are like, like I hop is like the Iraq Z and Denny's is just the regular.
You got a Camaro, but it's got a V six in it.
I don't know why they serve the exact same, the exact same.
They always have the same menu.
They just call it different shit.
Right.
It's like McDonald's and McDonald's.
Right.
But there's somebody hop, you know, they're pancakes.
They're more fluffier.
Bacon's a little more crispier.
I like that toast better.
You know, eggs or eggs, whatever.
You know, don't ever order scrambled eggs.
If you want scrambled eggs, you make them yourself.
Okay.
They just, nobody knows how to make fucking scrambled eggs.
Nobody knows how to make oatmeal.
They know how to make oatmeal, but they made it like nine hours ago and they just stick it in a giant vat.
I'll give you guys a great tip on fucking when you make scrambled eggs.
All right.
When you scramble them, you got to scramble the shit out of them.
All right.
When I scramble eggs, all right, put two or three in the bowl.
Okay.
It's like a cooking show, except you listen to it.
Right.
You're fucking, you know how they all even got on the subject.
What the fuck does this happen?
I'm telling you guys how to scramble eggs.
Do you realize how insulted you should be right now?
This is like something you tell a five year old, but this is a little secret that I made scrambled eggs forever.
And you know what?
They tasted like the scrambled eggs at Denny's and I was proud.
I was like, these are just like the ones at Denny's, but I didn't realize that Denny's absolutely sucked.
Right.
So I'm just loving all the tweets I'm going to get because you know, there's people out there that love Denny's and thinks I hop stinks.
I will tell you this.
Denny's tables not as sticky.
I hop has cornered the fucking market.
I mean, dude, you put your elbow on that table.
If you leave it there for more than three seconds, I mean, somebody's got to get a putty knife for you, not getting it off there.
So anyways, the, the, the scrambled eggs, this is what you want to do.
Right.
You put two or three in a bowl, whatever you want to fucking do.
All right.
You take out your fork and you start fucking scrambling them.
And what a lot of people do is they scramble them for like fucking, you know, 15, 20 seconds tops.
You don't want to do that, dude.
You want to scramble them for like two minutes.
You want to get a bunch of air in there.
You want to scramble the shit out of them.
Right.
I learned this from reading an article on James Cahn one time.
He gave you this tip.
So this is from him.
So if you think I'm a fucking moron, I'm going from a guy who was in Godfather one and two.
All right.
And elf.
Three of the greatest fucking movies of all time as far as I'm concerned.
All right.
So anyways, you got to get that air in there.
You got to have those bubbles going right over the top.
You know what I mean?
Like a good milkshake.
That's what the fuck it should look like.
Meanwhile, you got your pan.
Your pan is on high.
I know you guys Christ, you're going to cook the shit out of it.
No, what you're going to do is the second you pour it in, you're going to be constantly moving that motherfucker.
Right.
You put it in the right.
You got the pan.
You're going to be a little fucking whatever you use, right?
You're olive oil, whatever the fuck you, I wouldn't put butter in there because you got it on high.
Right.
Whatever you spray in there, you pay him.
Whatever you, whatever you use to deplete the ozone layer, you get that thing on high.
Right.
And right is whatever you put in there just starts to seem like it's going to start smoking.
You pour that shit in there and it goes.
And then you move that fucker around like a stir fry.
You don't stop moving that thing.
Right.
And when it looks like it's about halfway done, you pull the frying pan.
You pull the frying pan off the burner and you finish it that way.
Then you take it, you fucking dump it on and you're done.
That's it.
Oh, at some point you put some sea salt in there too.
Whatever you want to garnish it.
All right.
And I'm telling you, they'll be nice and fluffy.
All right.
Unlike that horseshit that they have down there at Denny's and I hop.
I hop doesn't make good scrambled eggs either.
And then you got to get cheese in them.
You got to get cheese, but that's like ordering a steak and you got to put like fucking a one on it because the guy didn't know how to cook it.
You should not have to put cheese in your fucking scrambled eggs if you know what you're doing.
All right.
And you know what?
That's one to grow on.
There you go.
How was that?
Took me fucking seven, eight years of doing this podcast and I finally told you how to scramble a goddamn egg.
Um, actually, you know, something to cook in it on a high part and then taking it off.
I learned that from Nia.
She taught me that thing.
Jesus Christ, we're already fucking halfway through this thing.
Let me, uh, let me do some of the reads here for this week.
What a fucking asshole.
Jesus, that must be, I mean, you should really, you should really be fucking offended.
You should be offended right now because I'm not really even apologizing to you.
I'm just killing time while I try and find where the fuck I put the advertising.
Oh, here we go.
Dollar Shave Club, everyone.
Stop shaving with an old razor.
It's gross.
Why are you torturing yourself with a gross old blade week after week?
Probably because you don't want to shell out 20 bucks for a pack of new ones.
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Their razors are so for a few bucks a month, I should say their razors are so good.
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Um, but instead of lowering their bloated prices, they're trying to fool you into
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Isn't that gross, Cleo?
Um, they've price gouged just for long enough.
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Oh Jesus.
Here we go.
But oh, me on these me on these.
No more sweaty taint.
But do do do me on these me on these.
What?
Fucking right.
I already did.
I already did.
Jesus.
What?
Me on these me on these.
No more sweaty taint.
But do do do me on these me on these.
Go buy a bucket of paint and dip your balls right into them.
They'll be wetter.
I'm telling you, my friend, cause you're not wearing your me on these.
You got your balls in the paint.
Oh yeah.
It's almost like they are sweaty except they're purple.
Buy some fucking me on these.
Yeah.
Okay.
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All right.
Jesus, that was great.
Got those right out of the way.
Got them right out of the way.
Okay.
Now where am I going here?
Jesus.
I always have like 9 million things opened at the same time here.
Why do I do that to myself?
Oh, by the way, somebody sent me a link to some fucking music.
I only listened to a couple of their songs, but I really liked them.
I don't know how to say the name of the band.
It's G-O-J-I-R-A.
Go Jira.
Go Jira.
Go Jira.
I have no idea.
It's the name of the album is from Mars to Sirius.
And I usually don't like that music where the people sing like that death metal shit.
But these fucking guys, ladies, men and women, I don't know what the fuck they are.
They sound like they're a bunch of guys.
The album blew me away.
The song did anyways.
It's called the heaviest matter of the universe.
I downloaded the album.
It came out in 2006, so I'm a little late to the party there.
But I want to thank whoever sent me that, giving me the heads up because I really enjoyed that song.
And I immediately went and downloaded the entire freaking album over there.
All right, what are we up to here?
34 minutes.
All right, I'm going to do a couple more, Cleo, and then I'm going to do the questions.
And then we're going to get out of here, right?
That doesn't mean you need to come over here.
All right, thank you.
Thank you for the kisses.
Don't be needy.
Get out of here.
Go over there and lay down.
Go on, get over there.
Cleo, please get over there.
Thank you.
Go on, lay down.
There you go.
You got your own fucking couch.
How much more could you be spoiled?
You know what it is?
It was today I watched like the whole, I watched the Bill's game, the Browns and the Bengals game.
I was just clicking around with a little bit of the Packers too.
And I had the whole house to myself and I was just laying on the couch and she was up on the couch with me laying there like a fucking baby.
So now she wants the whole day like that.
You know what I mean?
She's a spoiled brat.
Hey, do you guys see the latest that fan duel thing where they got Tiki Barber and Ronde Barber to NFL players talking about it?
And I, you know, just pick out your fucking day and pick up your cash.
My favorite thing, there was a guy on there where this guy worked on Wall Street.
He's crushing it, pilfering from the greatest generation, right?
They're too dumb to know what's going at this point.
They don't know what's going on in their portfolios.
Stealing from old people, stealing from young people, licensed to steal.
The man is on Wall Street.
There's nobody watching these cunts every once in a while.
They throw a celebrity chef in jail to make it look like they're actually paying attention.
This guy was on fucking easy street.
And for some dumb reason, according to this infomercial, he just decides out of the fucking blue to quit his job and try to win a million dollars on fan duel.
I love that.
Like, you just can't try that on the weekend.
You got to sit there and stare at fucking stats.
Seven days of fucking whist for six days before you make your picks.
So long story short, the guy goes out.
He's in the infomercial, so you know he's not going to lose.
And you know what?
He goes out and he wins.
He wins a million bucks.
And you know what he does?
You know what he does?
Fuck him that he is.
You know what he does?
True romance.
He fucking quits his job.
I'm supposed to believe that this guy that works on Wall Street, quit it, quit, quit it, quit his fucking six-figure job on Wall Street to make a million dollars.
And I know some of you fucking, you know, peons on Wall Street are going to be like, you know, I just started, I only make 30 grand a year.
I don't give a fuck about you there, baby face, two whiskers.
I don't give a fuck about you.
All right, you sociopath.
You're going to work your way up.
This guy was like my age and he was almost as bald as I am.
All right.
So if he's still on Wall Street, he's making money.
All right.
He's got a fucking, you know, a goddamn ulcer in his stomach.
Okay.
So I know this guy's making money.
So whatever.
I don't know.
I don't know if he fucking works on Wall Street.
What the fuck do I know?
So anyways, he says that he quit his job after he made the million.
He quit his job.
He quit his job on Wall Street because he won a million dollars on Fanduil, which after taxes is going to be more than 50%.
Tax brackets.
So let's say he gets to keep above 480, 85 grand after he's done fucking, you know, paying his accountant and all the other bullshit.
You know what I mean?
Buying his fucking wife, the pink Cadillac or the fur coat.
Get it out of here.
Get it out.
Take it back.
Get some out of here.
Some out of here.
Right?
Once he's done doing all that, right?
He's got like fucking 480 grand.
He quits his fucking job and now he's going to take that 480 grand and reinvest in his
new business of gambling on football.
This fucking guy is going to be homeless.
He's going to be homeless.
That's what I'm calling right now.
This guy is going to be destitute and fucking.
He's going to be one of the guys that Brian Gumbel interviews or actually one of his peons interviews.
You know what I mean?
He always sends them out.
Brian is not going out in the field anymore.
He's too old for that shit.
You know?
And then you come back and he does his follow up where he has his little clipboard of questions.
You know?
And the person sits down and he comes back and then he just goes like...
Whatever the fuck he says, you know?
There's a really high pitched voice when he's got that little like...
They're going to interview this fucking guy.
He's going to sit there.
You know, when Brian interviews somebody and he just thinks that the dumbest fuck on the
planet, he does not.
He wears his emotions, not on his sleeve.
He wears them right on his fucking face.
I never understood that.
Why is it your sleeve?
Nobody looks at your sleeve when you're talking.
I don't get what that means.
I've never understood it.
Nor did I ever look it up considering I got a fucking...
I got a goddamn laptop right here.
Why don't I look it up?
Come on, window move for me.
We got two defensemen on the Bruins right now.
Last name, Miller.
Dude, what fucking Miller are you talking about?
Well, there's fucking two of them.
They're both defensemen.
Colin and fucking Kevin.
Same names as my cousins.
Hey, did anybody watch the Gas Monkey Garage where they did that fucking 78 Oles Cutlass?
What a fucking great car.
I'm not the biggest fan of low riders, but those paint jobs are fucking ridiculous.
I think they look cooler shit, but I'm just...
I like going fast more than just fucking cruising around, but the 78 Oles Cutlass, man, is fucking...
Those were the cars, man.
When I was a kid, man, from like the late 70s to like 85,
the Oles Cutlass, the Chevy Monte Carlo, and the Buick Regal,
they were basically all the same body type.
I thought that those were the best looking stock cars too, right?
Harry Gantt, the Skull Bandit, Kale Yarbrough, Dare, Waltrip.
Right, back when, what's his face?
Dale Earnhardt, rest his soul, used to drive the Wrangler, the blue and yellow Wrangler.
He'd get out there and he'd get sideways, right?
They all had Oles, they had Cutlasses, Monte Carlos.
I think Harry Gantt had the fucking...
Yeah, they had a Grand Prix that had that fucking...
The rear window was just straight.
It wasn't even trying to be aerodynamic.
Just chopped it right down the back.
These things were fucking badass cars, man.
Those two-door coupes with that ridiculous fucking interior,
that totally cheesy, you know, where it all goes into the button, that plush interior.
Those fucking cars were the shit, so they redid one.
You know what kills me?
The fucking gas monkey season is already over.
Ten episodes. How the fuck does it go by that quick?
That was a brutal season for me, everybody.
It was a brutal season. It went by in fucking two seconds and Casey left the show.
I don't know, I wish that they had let him do more shit like the...
I love when he did the lace top and when he was trying to do the lowrider stuff.
He was talking about how when they put so many layers of paint on it,
that it looks like you can actually...
After a while, it creates the illusion you feel like you can actually reach down into it.
How fucking killer is that?
And just watching how they...
I don't know, I have such a fucking respect for that.
So many cool projects this year where they try to do something different.
They did the old Caddy. They did a lowrider.
They got that Ford GT.
Such a great fucking season.
You know, that shows the best, man.
It just went by too fucking fast.
Now what am I gonna do, right?
I had the same level of depression when like a fucking sports season ends.
And they were like, tune in next week for the final episode of this season's Gas Monkey Garage.
I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? They just started.
Probably because I binge watched like five of them because I was on the road.
Whatever.
What the fuck am I talking about?
Oh, wearing your emotions on your sleeve.
Hey guys, I'm getting better at that, huh?
I usually go off on a tangent. I never come back.
Wearing his...
Oh fuck that.
Fuck his or her.
Wearing emotions, typing with just my index finger,
on sleeve.
Definition.
Meaning.
No.
Origin.
That's what I want.
The origin.
Origin of wearing your heart on your sleeve.
Oh, that's how you say it.
Not your emotions.
Oh, come on.
Load please.
Advertising.
Oh, look at that pretty girl with her lotion.
Healthy looking skin starts here with user end.
Continue our site.
That was it.
I just had a look at her.
She was nice to look at.
The origins of wearing your heart on your sleeve.
All right, here we go.
It was during the Roman Empire that St. Valentine is said to have left a note to his jailer's
daughter.
Oh, Jesus.
How much was she trying to fucking piss off her dad by fucking one of the inmates, huh?
From your Valentine, before his execution on February 14th.
Today, thanks to St. Valentine, cards expressing one's heartfelt emotions, a.k.a.
Valentine's are given to that special someone.
To defer to the classic idiom, it's a day to wear your heart on your sleeve.
Was there an explanation in there?
You started with the story and then you just deferred, which completely fucked me up.
We used the phrase casually to mean exposing our true emotions, making ourselves vulnerable
and letting it all hang out.
The phrase is so pervasive that from Ringo Starr to Eminem to Carrie Underwood, those
words to turn into...
Dude, are you trying to stretch this out any longer?
This could have been one fucking paragraph.
Wearing your heart on a sleeve.
Oh, here we go.
But what kind of sleeve?
And why on a sleeve?
I swear to God, I'm reading the copy and not pants or legs and around your neck.
There's no clear answer.
You fucking asshole.
But many...
You fucking dick.
You were stretching it out because if you just wrote, I don't know, I wouldn't have clicked
on your site.
All right, we got to see it through people.
I'm sorry.
There's no clear answer, but many legends attempt to get at the heart of the matter.
Now you're going to go into a pun after you tell me, this is such a fucking train wreck.
I can't stop.
It may explain the sorts of the saying.
The three most popular are in the Middle Ages, Emperor Claudius II believed unattached men
made better soldiers.
So he declared marriage illegal.
As a concession, he encouraged temporary coupling.
Once a year during a Roman festival honoring Juno, men drew names to determine who would be their lady.
Friend for the coming year.
Once established, a man would wear a name on his sleeve for the rest of the festival.
Jesus Christ, did the woman have any say?
No, she's just a common hooah.
Janet Rossi is a hooah.
Around that same time, it's speculated when a knight performed in a jousting match in the king's court,
he dedicated his performance to a woman of the court by tying something of hers like a handkerchief around his arm.
He let the court know the match would defend the honor of that woman.
Or we can credit Shakespeare, and I'm not reading this Shakespeare.
You want to hear me read Shakespeare?
Where may I go?
It is sure as you are Roderigo, where I, the more, I would not be Iago.
Well, I'm glad you cleared that up, Billy.
This is right here where I flunked all this shit.
And following him, I follow but my...
Dude, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Alright, Jesus Christ.
Why don't you... Jesus fucking Christ.
You know how depressing that was?
That fucking attempt right there.
It's amazing. It's amazing I succeeded in anything, isn't it?
Oh, by the way, they were doing this 20-year retrospective on the OJ Simpson trial.
It was funny, and they said the exact same shit that they said 20 years ago.
How polarizing it was, and how white people saw it one way, and how black people saw it another way.
Now, obviously, I'm not going to be dumb enough to try to speak for black people here.
I wouldn't do that, but I'll tell you what, there was plenty of black people on that show speaking for white people.
And you know, I'm not saying they were 100% wrong, but they were never speaking for all the sports fans out there
who happen to be white like me.
The whole trial, when I was watching that, I was never thinking,
oh, that son of a bitch black guy killed that pure blonde white woman.
I never thought that shit.
The entire trial, I thought the exact same thing.
Anytime I would turn it on, I would think the exact same thing.
I would be like, that is fucking OJ Simpson.
OJ Simpson is sitting behind that table on trial for a double murder.
I grew up watching that guy.
You know, when he did the Hertz commercials, I was just, I was like five or six years old.
That old lady, go OJ, go!
Right, when he would fucking jump over the luggage.
I wasn't old enough to know that a black guy starring in a fucking commercial like that was groundbreaking.
I didn't, I just knew that that guy was fucking awesome.
He had a cool nickname.
My first pack of football cards I got, Cleo, for the love of fucking Christ.
Can you lay down, buddy?
All right, get up here.
Get up here.
There you go, lay down.
See, I give in.
I give in because you're so cute.
Anyways, back to OJ.
My first pack of football cards that I got, he was right on top.
Right on fucking top.
I think the gum was in the back, so it didn't ruin it.
And that was like my prized possession.
And I remember I was so young when he got traded to the 49ers.
And I got that Topps football card that me and my brothers used to call side year,
because everything was on when we used to trade, like what year?
Flag year, side year, football year, rather than the years.
I thought it was going to be worth money because he was on a different team.
Like, wow, this is OJ Simpson's on the 49ers.
This is going to be worth money because people, you know, I didn't realize that the rookie card.
I was young.
I was stupid.
And then I watched his fucking movies, the naked gun.
I watched him on Monday night football when he was with Joe Namath.
And he would be like, you know what, I would have done right there.
I would have cut back.
He used to say what he would do.
And then Joe Namath would always say the same thing.
That was a really nice play.
He didn't play.
He used to always say that shit.
And it was a terrible year for Monday night football, whatever.
I just remember hearing shit that Bob Costas and Al Michaels, you know,
weren't in contact with them anymore.
I just, it was the first time I really remember watching somebody have it all
and then fucking lose it all.
And it was always, that's how I always looked at him.
OJ Simpson's 2003 fucking yards in a season.
Heisman Trophy winner, star of the naked gun one and two.
And that fucking movie where he was the astronaut, right?
And the thing goes bad and then they try to kill him.
That's who the fuck he was.
And there he was just sitting there on trial.
I couldn't fucking believe it.
So the next time they do one of those documentaries,
they got to have a dope like me in there.
Not going like, you know, in the history and the justice system,
black people have always seen the white person get up.
Tell me it was, it was fucking, it was OJ Simpson.
All right.
For you youngsters out there, just who's your guy?
You know what I mean?
Is there even a guy like that anymore?
I don't know.
I can't relate to it anymore
because every time I look at an athlete now,
it's just somebody half my fucking age living a dream
that never happened to me.
All right.
This is fucking ridiculous.
All right.
Where the fuck are we here?
Let me get to, let me get to some of the reeds for the week here.
And then I'm going to go work out because I go to the gym every day.
I'm maintaining guys.
I put on a few, then I take it up, put on a few, take it up,
my fight and fucking wait,
which I don't even know what the fuck it is anymore,
which is good because I got an acting work tomorrow.
So maybe I'll look sexy and maybe I'll get some more work out of it.
I don't know.
Where the fuck is, oh, did I close the wrong one?
Yeah, Jesus.
Could this be like a new segment on the fucking podcast
where Bill tries to find the fucking window that he opened
and everything was fine and he had it all set up
and then he fucks it up when he's on live.
All right.
Contents, contents.
Hey, if you guys want to email the podcast,
Bill at themmpodcast.com.
All right.
DraftKings Insider Explanation.
All right.
Because I didn't get it last week.
I didn't understand why it was such a big fucking deal
that some people from DraftKings want 300 grand at FanDuel.
And they were saying that they had inside information.
And I was like, what do you have?
What do you have friends?
What do you mean?
What do you have friends and a player?
So Bill, not trying to be a concierge,
just explaining why that guy from DraftKings,
it was considered insider information and made money.
Basically, he had access to the percentage
of ownership of the players.
For example, he knew that 58% of people were starting Brady.
13% were starting Russell Wilson.
80% starting Julio Jones, et cetera.
Obviously, these are not the real percentage.
It's just an example.
Well, even if they were, I wouldn't be able to figure out the math.
So thank you for giving me round numbers.
Anyways, he and only others at DraftKings had that information,
not anyone else, meaning the general public,
that were playing in those games.
The numbers are released after the lineups are locked,
but he had them beforehand.
Okay, so I understand that he had information,
but I don't understand what you do with the information
because I don't play fantasy football or do this shit.
So hopefully you'll break it down a little more.
He and the player percentage owned is potentially
the biggest factor when picking players.
Why is this significant?
Dude, please don't ask the questions.
Just fucking give me the answers.
Why? I don't know.
Well, the only way to actually make money
and get ahead of other players is if you had
different people starting than them, right?
If 80% of the people are starting Julio Jones
and you have him, you won't get ahead of people.
You'll be even with them.
Yeah, but if Julio has a bigger day, you're going to be fucked.
So what this cunt did was look at the players
with the lowest percentage owned
that also had the highest potential to have big games.
He used this inside information he had at DraftKings
to play in big money tournaments at FanDuel.
Also, he won big money almost every day playing MLB fantasy.
It's not out of the question to think he could have had
information from Shark, his buddies are the highest bidder.
Oh, well, that's very interesting.
That's really fascinating.
That's going to be a great movie, right?
That's going to be one of those Facebook movies.
Some awkward guy is going to play the awkward guy that started it.
No cool, does anybody cool who's fucking, you know,
can hold up their end of a conversation
ever starting thinking, it's like a really
introverted thing, this computer stuff.
It's amazing. They can't talk to people.
Yet what they make speaks to so many.
Wow, sorry.
There must have been a collective.
Oh, Jesus on that one.
All right, NFL pink.
Dear Billy Shram.
If a guy like Phil Sims, Jim Nance or Chris Collins
were spoke out about extortion involved
in the breast cancer awareness pink campaign,
would they lose their job?
Of course, if they said it's stupid, they just lose their job.
But if they articulated the problem with parading survivors
on the field at the beginning of the game,
like during the New England Dallas game,
while only giving pennies on the dollar to the actual cause,
would they come under fire or be praised?
Thanks. I think I've answered all of those questions.
Look, I mean, the NFL is always going to sell jerseys.
So they make some pink ones and the pink ones,
they give 8% evidently, allegedly to the cancer people,
the awareness people, and then they give 8% of that 8%.
I don't know how the fuck it works.
I mean, it's better than nothing.
Yeah, I mean, I think the way they presented it,
like a portion of the proceeds, fans,
all we hear is like, oh, I buy this jersey
and then they give all this money.
You know, I get a jersey. It's not the color I wanted,
but it's going to help out people that are suffering.
So yeah, it's not the most transparent avatar.
He gives a fuck, right?
They don't give a shit.
They didn't give a shit when Ray Rice fucking knocked out his fiancé.
They only gave him two fucking games.
They didn't give a fuck until the video came out.
Then they suspended him forever. They didn't give a fuck.
Why? It's because Ray Rice fucking was making him a bunch of money.
That's like, you know, they call it the Brady Rule
about not hitting low and hitting the quarterback late.
It's not the Brady Rule. It's the fucking money rule.
They don't give a fuck about Tom Brady.
Tom Brady makes some money.
If Tom Brady's not playing, they lose money.
So they're like, we got to protect that motherfucker.
Because Tom has any sort of influence,
although he is pretty dreamy to look at.
Lifeguard.
Bill, I'm a lifeguard in a strong swimmer.
I was at the beach last week, and I noticed a body go under.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, dude, that's one of the scariest fucking...
That's one of my biggest fears in life.
The undertow was bad that day, and I had a bad feeling.
So I swam to where I thought someone went under.
I pulled up an 11-year-old kid.
He had water in his lungs and was struggling.
Dude, this better be true.
Or you better go into writing, because I'm riveted right now.
I didn't need to give full on CPR,
but I did have to administer the proper response
to get him to cough out the water.
He wasn't small, and he wasn't being stupid.
That's just the way the ocean is.
The next day the newspaper tried to interview me,
I really didn't want to.
Every time someone does something,
and they're in the paper for it,
it feels like a celebration.
It's not. Someone could have died.
I understand that I may have done something great.
Are you doing the shucks thing? Is this like a humble brag?
I've been told that. I just don't want to celebrate.
The reporter said that I was doing a disservice
because I was preventing the story from being inspiring.
Do they need my soundbite?
Can't the story be enough? Am I an asshole?
No, you're not. You're not an asshole at all.
Just fuck. You do what you do, and then fuck them.
Fuck them.
Yeah, let them figure out what the fuck happened.
I don't think you are. I don't think you're being an asshole at all.
If you're telling the truth, and you're actually being honest right now,
you didn't use your name, so you're not going to get any praise.
I think what you did was great.
I don't need to fucking talk to you.
We ain't supposed to talk about how fucking great you are.
I saw him go under, and I knew if I didn't get out there,
if I didn't do something, nobody would.
No, I think, you know, especially this day and age
when you're just probably sucking a dick at your TV show,
you actually saved somebody from drowning.
I mean, you'd probably get a fucking mini-series.
Actually, is that better than a TV series?
Well, most TV series don't get picked up.
I don't know. Actually, you just get a pilot is what you really get.
Alright, Bill, you done? Yeah, I'm done.
Alright, my girlfriend wants to sell her panties online.
How do you not read this?
You guys, I didn't give a shit if these are real or not.
These are very entertaining.
Hey, Billy Beefarts.
I think what that means.
My situation is exactly what it sounds like.
Last week, my girlfriend of six years asked me
if I think it's okay if she sells her used panties online.
Gross!
To some of those weirdo fetishes who enjoys that kind of shit.
I said, sure, thinking what's the harm.
But what if one of those guys is in those as a forensic expert?
And that's also his fucking, you know,
and that's how he kind of be, you know, going to those murder scenes.
He started sniffing panties.
Now he's afraid he's going to get caught.
So he orders them online.
Then after a while, the smell isn't enough.
So he starts dusting the panties for prints.
And next thing you know, he's standing at your door
with a fucking meat cleaver and a hard on.
And you went to the door, you know.
He's got one hammer for one.
He's got the axe for the other.
And you show up.
That's going through your fucking head.
And then he's going in looking for your panty-less girlfriend.
I think you're fucking nuts.
Anyways, I said, sure, thinking what's the harm.
We're both university students.
She needs money.
And what's the harm in milking these wackos
for her old panties stained and clam juice.
Dude, there's no way you love this woman.
Here's the problem.
She tells me that she needs to have pictures taken in these panties
to prove to her potential clients that she did actually wear them.
No, she doesn't.
They want to smell them so they see her so they can fucking rub them out.
When she told me this, I wasn't really,
it wasn't really in a way that was asking for permission.
Not that I would expect her to.
Not that I would expect her to.
This is how much the fucking American male has been beaten down
that if they don't let the woman in their life
do every fucking thing that she, every fucking,
fucking idea that comes to her head
if they get in the way of it, they're crushing her dream.
How about if you're a fucking,
you're not even her boyfriend at this point,
you're just an entourage member.
Just go, hey, where are we going tonight?
Whoa, that's cool.
Can you be a fellow, do you love this woman?
Don't fucking let her do this.
This is a dumb fucking idea.
Don't you have dumb ideas?
Doesn't she say to you every once in a while,
hey, that's a stupid idea?
What do you like Jesus Christ?
What was I thinking?
Thank God you're in my life.
This is when you need to step up,
not stand down.
She just, dude, if she fucking does this,
she's basically, she's in the porno industry.
Her picture is going to be online
on a panty sniffer fucking website.
What fucking job do you get after that?
And it lives forever.
And they'll wait.
They'll wait until she's running for office.
You know, if she starts her own fucking campaign
to stop some fucking disease, right?
Then that thing's going to come out.
The old panty panty sniffer fucking photo
is going to come out.
Anyways, he says, but more of,
anyways, not that I would expect her to.
Dude, what if you dabbled into the porn industry?
How the fuck you were going to do it with just a picture?
I don't know.
It's fucking crazy.
Anyways, but more of a,
this would be part of the deal kind of way
she brought it up to me.
Immediately I tell her that I have a huge problem with this.
Well, all right then.
All right then.
You scared me there earlier.
And she should not be doing it.
She argues that and I quote,
I like the attention it gets.
All right, dude.
You know what this is the sound of?
That is the sound of you backing up the dump truck
that she's laying in the back of
and dumping that bitch in the trash.
Dude, this is not the mother of your kids.
This God bless her.
I don't know who the fuck fuck did her up.
It's over.
Out.
It's overdue.
It's out.
And it's done.
I don't even need to read the rest of this.
He goes like, what the fuck am I supposed to do here?
Out the...
That's what you're supposed to do.
Keep my mouth shut and act like a cuckold
or fight this thing to the bitter end.
I know it's her body and she has the right
to do anything with it.
Shut the fuck up with that.
Jesus Christ, these fucking feminists,
you guys have turned into zombies.
This isn't like a date rape situation here.
She does have the right to do it,
but you're stopping her from getting into the porn industry.
But it makes me feel like a complete tool.
It should.
Any input would be appreciated, Bill.
I think I told you.
I think I told you what you should do, dude.
Just...
Yeah, you know what?
This is the deal, okay?
Even if she goes, you're going to break up with me?
Well, I'd forget it.
I won't do it.
I can't live without you.
Fuck that.
Whatever this is, this is going to rear
its ugly fucking head again.
I like the attention it gets.
She likes that kind of attention, okay?
I'm telling you right now, dude.
I'm telling you right now,
somebody that likes that kind of fucking attention,
it's not the attention that she can get
within a fucking one-on-one monogamous relationship.
All right?
Now, whether she'll ever act on it
and go even further and end up on a pole
or blowing somebody behind a dumpster down at a Denny's
after she ate some bad scrambled eggs,
who's to fucking know?
All you know is that you're rolling the dice
with half of your shit if you ever marry this kid.
This kid.
This woman and half kids.
You know?
And the kids are going to halfway fucking look like her.
Oh, dude, I'm just flying down the road with this thing.
Dump her, dude.
Dump her.
That's a deal-breaker.
I'm sorry.
That's a fucking deal-breaker.
Done.
Over.
All right?
Just be like, listen.
We've come to a fork in the road
and you want to be a model for a panty-sniffin website,
which I totally respect.
And I would like to be with somebody that I can trust.
You know, who doesn't need the attention
of some of the fucking weirdest people on the internet.
Okay?
Good luck and thank you for playing.
Now, have you guys ever listened to the All Things Comedy podcast
that I do live with Al Madrigal?
Have you ever listened to those?
Al Madrigal, okay?
He's a very busy man, so he might not have time
to give you breakup advice.
Al Madrigal has the greatest way how you break up with a woman
if you're not living with this woman.
The greatest way ever.
And I'm giving him full credit here.
And he's already told the story on a podcast,
so I don't feel like I'm overstepping my bounds here.
This is the greatest way ever.
This is what he would do.
When he didn't knew that he was going to break up with the woman.
And women can do this too.
He would, and the woman was not living with him.
He would gather up all of her shit that was in the apartment
and he would put it in a box.
He collar up, said, I need to come over there and talk to you.
He'd come over with the box, tell her it was over,
and then he would fucking leave.
And then there was nothing else.
There was no reason for her to come back.
And that was it.
That's what you need to do with her.
You need to pack up all her panties
that she's going to be selling and modeling soon
so she can become a fucking jerk-off model.
Okay?
And she's free to do that, because it's her body.
Snap 12 to 6.
Right?
Is that what they do?
It's her fucking body.
It's her right.
She's an independent woman.
Beyonce, the whole fucking thing.
Feminism.
Yeah.
I'm doing this shit.
Have fun, sweetheart.
Right?
She's going to go become a jerk-off model.
And if you stay with her, you will become a jerk-off.
And you don't want to do that,
because eventually it's going to breed resentment.
And, you know, dude, like, it's going to be over.
You can't marry her.
You can't fucking marry her.
It's done.
It's fucking over.
It's going to get out.
Then your neighbor's going to find out.
Then your neighbors are going to be jerking off to her.
And then you're going to get a nickname.
You know?
It's fucking over.
God help you if your name starts with P.
All right?
Peter, Paul, any of that shit that's the alliteration with panty.
I don't know what the fuck it's going to be,
but it's going to be a fucking nightmare.
Jerk-off, Jerry.
I don't know what the fuck it's going to be.
But, dude, you need to get out.
Beep, beep, beep.
Dump that bitch in the fucking trash.
Over.
Over.
And so is this podcast.
All right?
Go fuck yourselves.
In the mountains?
In the kitchen?
Even in the living room?
They really are everywhere.
Those empty batteries.
But now we're going to the finish.
Bring them to a BeepBot-related point.
You'll always find one in your neighborhood on BeepBot.be.
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