Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-12-20

Episode Date: October 13, 2020

Bill rambles about his week at Saturday Night Live, modern scams, and dumb questions at work.

Choose a second car for Instinct or with your license. With the choice for a BMW with the BMW Premium Selection Certificate, let yourself be guided by both. Because its quality, it feels you. And that it is reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a 4-year warranty on your certified second car. BMW Premium Selection, trust your Instinct, follow your license. Information and information at bmw.be

That's for Monday, October 12th, 2020. What's going on? How are ya? Sorry, the podcast is so late. I was traveling today and I had my whole family with me, so I couldn't sneak off in the morning to try to knock it out. So my apologies to you, woo woo. How are ya?

How was your weekend? You have a good time? Do you watch any football? Did you watch any basketball? Let me get it out of the way. Congratulations to your Los Angeles Lakers 2020 NBA Champion, the 17th NBA Championship that they are now tied with the Boston Celtics. And we better get moving or they're going to pass us.

But the Heat put up a great fight, all-heart on that team. And you know, but they just didn't have enough firepower. The Lakers just came in that last game and they were just like, I didn't see the game I was working, but they were obviously like, fuck this, we're winning this. It just seemed like everybody was on. I heard they were up by 30 at one point. I imagine there was a lot of champagne was beginning to be drank by probably towards the end of the third quarter, which is always an exciting thing.

So good for them, happy for their fans and all that type of stuff, all right? Moving on, speaking of exciting, all right, I got something exciting to talk about. How about those Cleveland Browns, huh? How exciting are the fucking Cleveland Browns? They're like my favorite team to watch right now, because they were such an exciting team when there was Brian Seyp and the cardiac kids when I was a kid. And to watch now that they've, I guess they got the new offense where they're letting Baker Mayfield, Baker roll out and watching him, you know, getting on the same page with

Odell Beckham. It sucks that Chubbs got hurt, but still they still had, seemed like they got, they got ahead. Another guy, I forget because I watched him a few weeks ago, I think when they played the Cowboys, I forget who they played this week, Jesus Christ. I watched a little, I think I watched the highlights of that. Obviously I had the big gig Saturday night, so I was out late or just up late. I couldn't sleep for two nights in a row, I was so fucking psyched.

But let me check the NFL scores out here, shall we? NFL scores, here we go. What do we got? What do we got? Ah, fuck, I was taping that game. God damn fucking cunt. Chargers up 20 to three on the Saints. The fuck is going on?

You know, the Chargers are doing all right. Is that that, that Herbert guy, A-Bear, whatever his name is? Guy Rod Taylor gets his fucking lung punctured by a trainer. How the hell does that ever happen? He can't get his goddamn job back. Cowboys beat the Giants, the fucking Giants, man. Put up 34 points, they still haven't won. Tough times there, but I heard, what's his face?

What the fuck is their name, their quarterback's name, Dak or something like that? I heard he got hurt. That sucks. Speaking of hurt to 49ers, they're so hurt they lost by almost fucking 30 points. The goddamn Dolphins, yeah, the Browns beat the Colts. That's my fucking team. I like watching the Browns and I like watching the Seahawks. It's so weird.

Now that Tom Brady has gone and so many players have moved around, now I like like the Seahawks. It's weird. I loved the Seahawks when I was a kid. Jim Zorn, Steve Lodgett, David Craig, Kurt Warner, the original, Kenny Easley, was that his name? Yeah, the big hitting defensive back that they had, our safety. And I always loved the Browns when I was a kid, the cardiac kids, right? Brian Sype and all of them.

And now they're exciting to watch again. It's a lot of great football being played out there. You know, I wish the New England Patriots could quit sneezing on each other. So maybe we could play a few games. We keep getting, I don't know what the fuck's going on with us. Where the hell are we? Is it already week five? Is there anything faster than the NFL season?

Bears beat the Buccaneers. Oh my God. Did you see what Brady's offensive line did to him on that one drive? Holy shit. They got like three holding calls in a row. It was like second and 30 something. And then they go to run another play and the long-haired ginger on the team at the end of the play. He mean barely headbutted the guy, but now they flag everything.

He headbutts the guy. Dude, fucking Tom Brady yelled at that dude. It was so satisfying because, you know, I am the biggest Buccaneers fan now because they got Brady and Gronk. And I guess we're just going to keep getting COVID. So I don't know what the fuck we're doing this year. I obviously root for the Patriots first, but like it's Buccaneers second. If we don't win it, I want to see Tom get number seven.

Um, the Ravens looks like the first ones to shut down Joe Burrow. And what else happened around the league? I did watch the fourth quarter of your Las Vegas. How are you doing? I watched that game. That was a fun ass game to watch. Even just I caught it in the end and I heard an amazing stat that this is only the third time in Patrick Mahomes career.

He's lost by more than seven points. I mean, Jesus Christ, if that guy isn't the next guy to wear the crown, I don't know who is. I mean, you're basically always in the game or blowing somebody out, essentially, or winning by a little. Come on, Bill, say all the scenarios. What else? The Steelers, your Pittsburgh Steelers, four and oh, five and oh, what are they?

Four and oh, five and oh, I think, and then they say every time they get to that level, they've always won the Super Bowl. So we shall see. What else happened around the league? Oh, tomorrow, tomorrow, the Bills play. I'm psyched to finally watch their their quarterback there. What the fuck's his name? I don't know.

My head's spinning from the weekend here, so I can't remember anybody's name here. Josh Allen, Josh Allen. That's right. You get to see, you know, I guess the the next Kings reclaiming the AFC East, which is amazing because they had it before the Patriots started dominating. There was the Jets there for a minute with Bill Parcells, and they Jets also won once with with sexy toes there. The guy was into feet Rex Ryan.

I don't know. All right. So I can't believe I just saw that fucking score, man. It was like my evening here. I was going to sit down and watch the goddamn game, whatever. It's still going to be fun. So anyway, with that, what else is there to talk about? Let's just talk about SNL for a second.

I just I just want to thank everybody over there. Laura Michaels and the entire cast and everybody that works there. I had the most fun. I had so much goddamn fun doing that show. I thought I was going to be an absolute wreck. I'm not going to lie to you. I was a nervous wreck on Sunday afternoon because I had run my monologue a couple of times and it wasn't working because I was putting it together and it always.

That's how it always goes. But I had this big legendary show that I'm going to go do and everybody knows the first episode, the first guest host was George Carlin. So I was really trying to downplay the magnitude of the gig. But you can't when it's SNL. So I was kind of in my head and I was going on stage. And rather than just telling my jokes, I was asking the crowd if here's this idea. What how?

What about this one? And I was just eating my balls. And then, of course, I was also doing COVID comedy. So I was standing on sidewalks and on top of roofs. And I was just like, what the fuck? And I went to the taping Saturday night. When Chris Rock did it and it really helped me as far as when I saw it. I was just like, oh, my God, I can't believe this giant show is this whole.

The whole history of the show is in this little studio because it just seems because when you watch it on TV, it is just the biggest thing ever. When you go there, it's it's not it's a soundstage. It's just like this little thing. And so in a way that helped me to relax, but then on the other side, like the fucking opening sketch had Jim Carrey and Alec Baldwin, two of the greatest to ever do it. And I'm going like, I can't follow those guys.

I can't I'm just and I was like, hold it together, hold it together. And by the way, I had already run my set like three times before I went over there for the taping and just ate my balls. So I was trying to play it cool. And I watched the whole show and I talked to Chris afterwards. He gave me some great advice and everything. And I was thinking in my head, I was like, God, I wish I was him right now because he's done and it went great.

I just I can't wait for that. And I just started thinking about one oh one a.m. You know, Sunday morning, the following week, when the gig would be over. Which is the stupidest thing you can do. Because now you're not going to enjoy it. And that's right where my head went. I started catastrophizing my head. I had a total fucking panic attack in the hotel room.

The Sunday, you know, right before I was going to go in on the Monday, the first day and my wife being the rock that she is. She talked me down and all of that. And, you know, I put her through some shit on some big gigs like that, freaking out, which really is normal. When you're doing something like that. But it's also sucks for the person you're with that they have to sit there. It's like, you know, somebody threatening to kill themselves

that isn't going to kill themselves. You know, it gets exhausting after a while. It's like, you're not going to kill yourself. Can you stop putting me through this? Right. So. I just was like, all right, I don't want to put my way through this. And I don't want to be in this mindset the whole week because it's going to fly by. And then afterwards, I know I'm going to do well.

I know I'm going to have a good time. And then I'm going to look back going, I wish I enjoyed this. So I just took all of my angst and said, there's no reason to be nervous the whole week until 1130 Saturday night. And then if you want to be a little nervous, manageably nervous, whatever. And then the show is going to start. And just once I get out on stage, I'll be fine. So I just every day I'd wake up and I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm doing SNL.

And I'd be like, it's Monday. We just sit down, we hang out, we kick around some ideas, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nobody's going to see it. None of this is going to be taped. You could literally do a face plant, you know, into a pie. Nobody's going to see it. And then I just kept doing that every morning. And I ended up having the best time.

And being obviously any comedian, a huge fan of the show, the greatest one of the greatest parts about the show is not only that you get to do it, is you get to see how they put it together. You get to see how hard everybody works. Because that's the thing. When you host the show, you know, everybody around you is busting their ass. And you're just, they just waltzing you around like the frigging prom queen. Everybody's writing shit for you.

What's your wheelhouse? Everybody is, they're all busting their ass. And then people, are you okay? Is everything okay with you? It's like, yeah, I'm not doing shit. You guys, you guys are all working. And I just, you know, you sit down, you do the table read, you read like a zillion sketches.

And I was reading them, you know, and I thought that was going to be like, you know, a lot that weren't going to be good. And I was reading them like, these are all fucking funny. And even the ones that aren't as funny as the other one, you could see how you could punch this up by Saturday. I was going to work. So I started really getting excited like, man, these guys, these writers are amazing, right?

Then we did the table read, the table read was funny as shit. And I got to see the whole cast and watching them how they do it. And the whole thing was just, I don't know, it was incredible. And then we started rehearsing them. And you get to go up in the room as they start putting together this, which ones after the table read, which ones they're going to pick. And then you go into the war room and they're thinking of doing this here and that there. What do you think about a pre tape here?

And you get to sit in on all of it. And then there's all this memorabilia and shit. I like, I took a picture. There was a flyer in there from the first show that had George Carlin, you know, George Carlin's picture on it. Said something like a new show as Saturday Night Live or something like that. And then Friday we did the pre tapes and I had a great time doing that. We rehearsed and then I went back out, shot some more stuff.

That was a long, that was the only long day. And then Saturday you just show up. They do like a dress rehearsal and then they do one in front of the crowd and then you just do the show. And it just flies by is the only thing I can tell you. And standing backstage when they were doing, you know, after they did the cold open with Jim Carrey and Maya Rudolph, do my head spin. I forgot the whole Jack White part, you know, the poor guy was going to do the show

was doing what I would be doing if I was a rock star at 27. He was making out with some pretty girl and somebody saw it and took a picture, whatever, whatever, whatever, you know, who doesn't do that at 27 to 28. They'll have them on just not this show. So then they added Jack White and then Jack White came in. Like the show wasn't already exciting enough. He comes in and I got to watch them rehearse. And I got to tell you something, man, is amazing is it is to watch when you guys

watched it at home to be standing right there when they were doing it. Like when I tell you all the hair on my arm was standing up when these guys started playing. And the drummer said, is it Daru Jones or Daru Jones? I didn't I like the week just flew by his fucking setup. My buddy said, look, he was playing drums. Okay, he's going to be falling like falling out a window. And they just came in and just fucking ripped just face melting shit. And I was like, holy shit.

And I just started thinking, you know, if I crush my monologue, and I just do my part in these sketches, and then Jack's going to do that twice, this is going to be a fucking killer show. And then when we did the dress rehearsal, it was all it was so much shit in there for Eddie Van Halen, by the way. Like I didn't know that they were going to show the clip from when he came on. I think it was an 89 when his then wife Valerie Bertinelli hosted the show. So they had that clip and we did the dress rehearsal in front of the crowd.

And we were about ready to say good night. They played that clip. And I didn't know it was coming. And I like the emotion of that was just like, fuck. Like what are the odds like, you know, that I could get to say goodbye to this guy on this stage, man, it was crazy. So and then the other thing was Jack was telling me that, you know, for the longest time I've ever seen like Jack Jack White is literally a guy who could have

gone to Sears Roebuck and bought a fucking guitar and he'll make it sound better than, you know, someone like me on a $10,000 guitar. He just can get that sound. He's just like, I can't even describe like his whole vibe. It's like he's like a time traveler. It's like he's from now. But if you also feel like you're talking to someone from the 1930s in like the best way. And he goes on stage and it's like he's like fucking possessed.

And I got such, I got so much out of watching him. Even in the rehearsal where it reminded me of a story. I remember here, Chris Layton, Steve Ray Vaughn's drummer was talking about where Stevie was talking about some guitar lick and they were on the tour bus. And when he played it, he still played it like he was in front of 30,000 people. He didn't half-ass it. Like he had a musical idea and he just fucking, just, you know, only knew one way to do it.

Like Jack White and his band had that vibe. And I don't know why, but I always grab it. I just think just because I've always loved music. I learned so much as a comic watching musicians, if that makes any fucking sense. It was like I was telling you when I watched that Herbie Hancock thing. He told that story about Miles Davis going, don't play the butter notes or whatever. And I was like, I know what that means comedically. That means go on stage and say what the fuck you want to say.

Don't ask the crowd if it's funny. Tell them it's funny and they don't like it. Fuck them. That's what it is. And it also take risks. Get outside your comfort zone. All of that. And I don't know why.

Maybe just because I've watched so much stand-up after a while, you just sort of like get a little numb to it that I have to see. I have to learn stand-up lessons through musicians. It's really weird. So anyway, I don't even know where the fuck I am. So we go out to go do the show. And I got to tell you yet, when you're standing back there,

like ready to go on, man, it is just like, you know, I don't even know, there's no way to describe it. It just, you know what I kept doing? I kept standing on that stage whenever I could, because I was looking at it, getting butterflies. And I was like, I need to keep standing up here, talking to cameramen and shit while I'm on this stage. I have to get comfortable here, or this isn't going to work.

And I kept doing that. And of course, I'm a big fan of Sean Pelton, the drummer there. I got to meet him. He was such a nice guy. He gave me a drumstick, which is fucking awesome. So, you know, when he was a nice guy, I talked to him, got to know him a little bit. So when I came out to do the monologue, I looked at him

and he was having a good time. Big smile really helped me out. So thanks to him. And then now I have to give a shout out to Lauren and just everybody over there. And then all of these amazing comedic actors that, what do you call them? I think that's the right word, comedic actors.

Beck Bennett, Michael Chey, Pete Davidson, of course. Mikey Day, Heidi Gadna. She was fucking hilarious. She wrote these two killer sketches that didn't quite make the show. I hope they do them in the future, because they were great Colin Jones. Kate McKinnon, who is the king over there.

She's just fucking. I was watching her and I'm literally like, all this, all she needs to get, somebody just has to write her, just give her the Oscar part and she's going to go get it. She was like, I learned so much from her. Alex Moffitt, Kyle Mooney had a great time with those guys. You know, Beck and Pete and Mikey Day,

we got to do the politically correct, you know, Don Pauli, all of that. We had such a good time. Where else? Who else? Who else? Oh, Ago, Chris Redd, they wrote me some great stuff. Keenan Thompson was just amazing, calming force to be around.

And he's fucking hilarious. He's just a fucking great dude. Uh, Punky Johnson, you know, last time I saw her, we were fucking hanging out at the, uh, and she's amazing. She was like, you know, everybody's favorite down at the comedy store. And she also worked at the comedy store. So she'd be like behind the bar, you know, getting drinks for the crowd and then going up on stage crushing it.

You know, the typical, you know, comment coming up. And I can't tell you how happy everybody was at the comedy store when she got, um, SNL, it was like the same thing. Like when, uh, Melissa Visenior got it, uh, Bowen Yang, I got to know him. It just, they were just, all of them were so, they were so great and so generous in all of the sketches that like, it basically, once you do the monologue, you can then just sort of hide in their talent, you know, and just deliver your lines.

Oh Jesus, me trying to fucking read out loud and trying to get the hang of, it's the top card because they lift it up and then you can see the bottom card. Don't read that shit until, until they put it up there because I kept stepping on people's lines. But like I said, I just want to thank everybody over there for, uh, get me through it. And Lauren gave me like the perfect advice, um, for my monologue after dress rehearsal. He said, just make sure you take the time to tell people thank you and that you're, because I was kind of just jumping into my set a little too quickly, you know, because I want to get to the first joke, get to the first laugh, da, da, da, da, rookie moves.

But I mean, you revert back to your rookie mistakes when you, you get into something that's as big as that. But, um, my overall takeaway from that show was it was, it's the most exciting, fun gig I've ever done since I got into show business. I still can't believe that I got to do it. I still can't believe it went that well. And, um, I just can't believe how much fun it was because I was like, I was so fucking nervous when, you know, I was initially supposed to do it in April

and then the COVID thing happened and I'm not going to lie to you. Like, I think I was more excited that I got canceled than I was bummed because I was definitely bummed out. But I was also like, Oh, thank God, that fucking, that, you know, the countdown to having to fucking have my shit together to pull that off has been shut off. And, um, you know, I don't know the whole thing, but the whole thing worked out because of everybody over there at the show.

So, fool them again, got away with it. And I also got to thank the comedy seller, Stand Up New York and New York Comedy Club for all the stage time you guys gave me that week. Get ready to do it. And, uh, oh, so for Keith Robinson, for heckling me while I was doing my monologue, having no respect for the fact that I had this level of a high pressure gig and it just put me in a stupid mood.

Like Keith has like this sage thing about him. He probably saw that I was a little tight or he was just being his usual asshole self. Like, I don't give a fuck that you're doing your monologue stupid. I don't like your jokes. So, um, it was, uh, yeah, that was a hell of a experience. I'll never forget it. And then the after it, it, um, after it was over, you know, you're standing on that stage realizing how it goes by so goddamn fast.

I know at one point when I was changing, when I saw a picture of me with the SNL thing and the band was playing, I got such a, as I, that's when it really hit me. I was like, I can't, like, this is real. Like I'm on this fucking show. It was nuts. And, um, then the end you get to say good night. I got to say rest in peace.

Eddie Van Halen, they got me a Van Halen t-shirt. And oh, also Jack White, I forgot he was those, the subtle nods to Eddie was, I didn't even finish the story about Jack. How he used to just play like these little store bought, used to make guitars and stuff for himself. Like, I don't even know, but he, uh, he had the Eddie Van Halen Wolfgang model, which was the name of, uh, Eddie's son. And that's Eddie's company.

He named the guitar after his son because he's the greatest dad ever, right? Um, not only the greatest guitarist, great. I mean, if you do that for your kid, you know, you're all in, right? So, and Jack was showing me like the whole setup of it and everything. And, um, you know, no one's going to go on stage and play a Van Halen song because you're not going to do it like Eddie. But there was one point where the song, where they brought it down and just for the perfect amount, six to eight seconds, 10 seconds or whatever,

Jack did a little tap on solo, just the totally coolest little tip of the cap to Eddie and then went right back in to, and now this is how I do it. And, um, and then they showed that video and then I got to wear the Van Halen t-shirt, say Eddie, rest in peace. I just thought, you know, when a guy like that or that magnitude passes, that I'll show that legendary to give him his due. It was so humbling to be a part of that. So, yeah, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

So with that, there you go. Um, let's see here. Let's read some advertising here. All right. What do we got? Oh, we got Simply Safe, everybody. Simply Safe. Okay.

Here's the thing about home security companies. Most trap you with high prices, tricky contracts and lousy customer support. So while there are a lot of options out there, there's only one no-brainer. Simply Safe. Simply Safe's got everything you need to protect your home with none of the drawbacks of traditional home security. It's got an arsenal of sensors and cameras to blanket every room, window and door tailored specifically for your home.

Professional monitoring keeps watch day and night ready to send police, fire or medical professional professionals if there's an emergency. You can set it up yourself in under an hour. Just peel and stick the sensors exactly where you need them. No technician required and there's no contract, no pushy sales guys, no hidden fees, no fine print. All this starts at $15 a month. I'm not the only one who thinks Simply Safe is great.

U.S. News and World Report named it the best overall home security of 2020. Try Simply Safe today at simplysafeburr.com. You get a free HD security camera. There's nothing to lose that Simply Safe. S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E Burr. B-U-R-R.com. All right. Look who it is, everybody.

Oh, my bookie. How you doing? How the fuck are you? Hang on. I'll take a sip there. Between the NFL College Ball and MLB playoffs, there's no shortage of sports to watch or to put your money on. And with the way the last presidential debate went,

it won't be long before my bookie has odds on Donald Trump to join the WWE. Whether you tuned in or not, I hope you guys cashed in on some of those debate prop bets that went up. What? You can actually bet on the debate, because there were several that could have been considered free money. Trump to mention Russia, that was a lock. You can bet on the fucking debate.

Anyway, and that's the best part about betting at my bookie. They offer great values in their odds and lines. You shouldn't tell that fucking Trump and Biden will, they're going to cash in on that, have somebody else bet for them if this is real. They offer great value in their odds and lines, whether you're betting on the NFL action or crazy prop bets, there's always a little money for everyone and always, always, always cash to be won.

Oh, Sam Jay, I got to give Sam Jay a shout out too from SNL. I've been playing in the my bookie super contest this season, and I hope you guys are too, but it's only a $10 entry for the chance to win a share of $100,000 in cash prizes for a $10 investment. I don't think you can bet what what for a $10 investment. I don't think you can beat that. Sorry, I really just bet 10 bucks.

Sign me up twice. Can I do that? Probably not. Another good investment to make would be to fade the Atlanta Falcons for the rest of the year. If they blow another lead late, whatever you do, if you're going to bet this season, bet my but it my bookie and use my promo code, B-U-R-R, to grab yourself a deposit,

match when you join, because who doesn't like free money on top of their deposit? That's promo code, B-U-R-R, to claim your bonus at my bookie. All right, what's next? Manscaped, everybody. All right, listen up, fellas. Yeah, Harry down there. Can you even see your junk anymore? If you can't see it, why is she going to want to touch it?

You don't need a goddamn spider, a fucking big hogan hanging on it. All right, let's move on. Okay, listen up, fellas, because today, we have a new Manscaped product alert. Manscaped just released the weed whacker nose and ear hair trimmer. I got to get one of these things. Take a look in the mirror, and I guarantee you'll see hair sticking out of those holes. It's time to keep your ear and nose hair looking as nice as your clean shaven pubes. Yeah, because I'll tell you right now, if you've got shit coming out of your ears and your nose,

nobody's listening to what the fuck you're saying. All right, your sales pitches out the window. Manscaped is forever changing the grooming game with their weed whacker. This nose and ear hair trimmer provides proprietary skin safe technology, which helps prevent nicks, snags, and tugs in those delicate holes. The premium Manscaped weed whacker uses a 9000 RPM motor power at 360 degree rotary dual blade system. It's intelligently contour design, enhance the trimming experience, and it is waterproof, which makes for easy operation and cleaning.

The only nose hairs trimmer on the market with a powerful and rechargeable lithium ion battery that lasts up to 90 minutes of use. Have you ever pulled your nose hair out with your fingers? I've done that. That might hurt worse than nicking your balls. You know what? I'll tell you what, the nose hair makes your eyes water more. You know, your balls just makes you crumple to your knees. Manscaped is whacking your weeds a time, makes whacking your weeds a time to look forward to delivering maximum confidence while providing hygiene. Yes, you will get a replaceable blade every three months to keep your weed whacking time clean and enjoyable.

Look, fellas, 79% of partners polled admitted that long nose hair is a major turnoff. It's time to upgrade your Manscaped routine with the weed whacker. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code BR20 at manscaped.com. Thank you, Manscaped, for keeping our pubes trimmed, and the hairs in our holes looking nice. Get 20% off free shipping with the code BRBR at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com. And use the promo code BR20. What are you waiting for? Go whack your weeds. All right. What's next? Stamps.com, everybody. Holy shit. Stamps.com. The holiday season is coming right up. I'm going to make something pumpkin bread because the rest of my year is easy. The holiday season, more people will be mailing

stuff than ever before. That means the post office is going to be busy. You don't got time for that shit. Stamps.com brings the post office right to you and now UPS shipping right into your computer. Mail and ship anything from the convenience of your home and office with Stamps.com, anything you can do with post office, you can do with just a few clicks. All right. You've heard me talk about Stamps.com. They've been sponsoring the show for almost seven and a half years now. Stamps.com is a must have for any business, whether you're a small office sending out invoices and online, fulfilling orders during the record setting, holiday season, or even a giant warehouse sending thousands of packages a day. Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. With Stamps.com,

you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail and up to 62% off UPS shipping rates. Stamps.com is a no brainer saving you time and money. It's no wonder over 900,000 small businesses already use Stamps.com. Don't spend a minute of your holiday season at the post office this year. Sign up for Stamps.com instead. There's no risk. With my promo code BRR, you get a special offer. That includes a four week trial plus free shipping and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in BRR. That's Stamps.com. Enter BRR. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. All right. Okay. To the podcast here. All right.

Modern scam. All right. So last episode, last podcast, I think I was talking to you about scams out there to look out for, right? Well, here we go. Here's some more modern scams. If you guys know scams that are out there, please give everybody the heads up. I love this. Modern scam. Hey, Billy Baldbrains. I heard you were talking about scams old and new on the October 5th podcast and I wanted to tell you about a new scam that people are doing these days. All right. I was on the dating app Hinge. There's a dating app called Hinge. All I can think of is unhinged. Is that where all the psychos go? Anyways, Hinge and saw a hooker on there. Her profile said, who wants to fuck DM me for rates on Snapchat? Oh boy. Oh, is this the cops?

So I did just that. It was 200 bucks for three hours. So I thought about it for a few weeks and then went ahead to book her. She asked for a half hour upfront. So I sent her a hundred right then. Oh no. Then she put me in touch with her boss who asked for 300 refundable deposit for the girl's booking code. It was supposed to be sent back to me after the, after the deed. So I sent it like an idiot. Then she asked for a 625 deposit to guarantee safety, which I also sent like a dumb at two at this point. They're just going to keep going. So I sent that like the dumb ass. And then she asked for 925 shows she will be safe in your arms. I finally realized it was a scam and I was out 1,025 bucks. Fuck me. So for all your followers,

listen, listeners who suck at hitting on chicks, watch out for those scams. Oh, dude, don't fuck hookers, man. Don't fuck hookers. That's never the answer. All right. You're going to feel like shit afterwards. And then that's somebody's daughter who didn't raise her. All right. The whole thing is to, you don't want to be a part of that world. Anyway, also, if anyone knows how to find people based on their Zeal, Z-E-L-L-E, Zellie, or Venmo accounts, please let me know. Thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. Well, thanks for letting people know about that shit. Yeah. Don't ever fucking, don't ever damn money to a hooker. She ain't showing up. Yeah. You and video games. All right. Dear Billy Bullshitter. First of all, let me say,

fuck you. All right. Fair enough. And then go fuck yourself. I had recently considered writing in and talking shit to you about your thoughts on video games. Did I ever say they were, did I say they were, I mean, I probably did. I was just saying I can't handle them. I'm going to lose my life. They're too good now. You with your virtual reality thing, you can talk to other people. You don't have to leave your fucking house. I can't deal with that. All right. But maybe I, maybe I shun on video game people. I have no idea. I have a tendency to piss people off if you haven't noticed. All right. Let's see here. What do we got here? What the hell was I on this? Okay. Because I was listening to one of your older podcasts where you were flapping your

gums about it, video games, but decided not to. However, you've once again sullied one of my hobbies and I can no longer stand for this, sir. All right. I like it. He's slapping me with the white glove. Okay. Let me have it. Here we go. Video games are a perfectly normal pastime. Just because you struggle with technology as much as I struggle with finding the clit does not make it a childish thing to do. Oh, that's what I said. Yeah. Yeah. You're playing video games. It is kind of silly. I stand by that. It is kind of silly past a certain age to be playing video games. I don't know. It's maybe, maybe I'm not progressive. Anyway, am I over here flipping you shit because you like to bang around on your little drum set like you're getting ready

for the school talent show? Oh, look at you. I would actually argue that I'm actually learning how to play drums. It's good for my, you know, it's an actual skill, sir. I will say that as opposed to sitting there clicking your fucking, I mean, I guess playing Asteroids is also a skill. All right. This isn't fair to him. If I'm going to trash him the whole, I'm going to let him get all this shit out. I'm not going to go trump here and interrupt him. So let me read this again. Am I here flipping you shit because you like to bang around on your little drum set like you're getting ready for the school talent show? No. Well, I may not sink all of my time into playing games. I still enjoy playing them for several hours on end. If I have the time,

I go to work every day. I got my college degree. I pay my taxes. Oh, this is the indignant shit. I do everything I'm supposed to do. And I think everyone else that's doing what they're supposed to do and still likes playing video games gets a pass. If I had to guess, you probably picture a gamer has some greasy, fat, 40 year old pimpled loser that eats bagel bites, drinks, Mountain Dew, Code Red and plays games all day long. Not a hundred percent. No, I just, I mean, all my friends who play video games aren't like that. I don't think. Anyway, yes, those people need to grow up, but not us industrious, hardworking people. You fucking asshole. It's not an ex. I'm not an expert on the topic and in no way qualified to have a say on this

matter, but that's never stopped. No one from giving her given one. All right. To be fair, I'm only 26 year old. I'm only a 26 year old dope. So I can't predict whether or not I'll still enjoy playing games for 10 years from now, but I have to strike while the iron is hot and stick up for people because out of my own arrogance, I'm somehow that important. Dude, you're crushing with the self deprecation because now I can't trash your back. That's tremendous. Why don't you just find your own business? Why don't you just mind your own business over there on that dumb elliptical of yours with the rest of your goofy, the goofy people from the middle ages and we'll mind our own business over here playing make believe in some virtual

fantasy land deal. No, go fuck yourself. I'm a comedian. I'll continue to make fun of you. Stop acting like some fucking hurt little snowflake here. I don't like video games. You know what? That's one more PlayStation available for you to go play. I will make fun of fucking anything I want to make fun of, but I respect that you're, you know, as long as you live in a life, I don't care if you're not living a life. I don't give you some greasy fat fuck who still lives at home with your parents. I think it's funny past a certain age to sit there playing a video game where you're pretending to go to war. It's just funny to me. I don't know why. I think it's funny, but I also get upset about sports and shit, which I also know is absolutely ridiculous.

But the real thing is though, I quit playing video games. I was older than this 26 year old guy. I was like in my early 30s and I was playing Grand Theft Auto 3 and Siphon Filter 2 and they were so fucking amazing. And I was nowhere in this business. And rather than working on jokes and shit like that, I was sitting there maybe just being a stand up comic where you have the whole day off where you can either write a screenplay or play fucking eight hours of going on anti like shooting sprays. Metal of Honor was another one. Listen, I love video games. The same way I love booze, but I couldn't handle either one of them. So God bless you if you can dip in for a couple of fucking hours, but I got kids. I can't fucking do it. But there is something

funny to me about somebody in their 40s playing Grand Theft Auto 58. It's funny. Sorry. The same way you picture me downstairs playing drums in my garage. That's funny, right? It's fucking, you know, so you make fun of me. You can still make fun of me for that because I'm not going to stop making fun of fucking people that play video games. It's just past a certain age. It's just funny to me. All right. GMC Motorhome originally owned by NFL Films. What the fuck? I heard you were looking for one of these. I've got over 10,000 invested, needs work, want a good home for it. If interested, let me know. It gives me the phone number. I'm too old and broke to fix it. I know you can do it justice, make an offer.

And there was some sort of link here. Oh, I didn't get any of the pictures. Oh, maybe, you know something? Wait, hang on a second. Let me look at this. Let me look at this thing. Here's a great thing to try to sell to my wife. Hey honey, you know how we never go camping or anything? You know that, right? You know this. I'm doing the sketch from Saturday Night Live. Where is it? Live reads, MM content, modern scam, video games. All right. I don't have the link to look at it, sir or ma'am. I'll have to check that out. Owned by NFL Films. That's amazing. Does it have the NFL logo somewhere on it? Sown into the vinyl seats. All right. Anyways, let's plow ahead. Virgin boyfriend. Okay. Here

we go. Virgin boyfriend over there. Dearest Bill, you're a fucking legend. I'll thank you. I don't think that's true, but thank you. Anyways, anyways, I'm an 18-year-old lady. I love hearing from the ladies and I've been dating my 19-year-old boyfriend for the past seven months. For the most part, the relationship is all fine and Danny, except for one key factor. There is no sex. He's a virgin and constantly says he doesn't feel ready. I, of course, want to respect this, but it's been seven months. Before dating him, I was relatively promiscuous and was, I guess, having sex far more regularly than this. I have no shame in saying I enjoy sex, nor should you. Don't let fucking people, you know, the church

or guys or anything like that, fuck that. Go out and have your fun. Be safe as long as you're having a good time. Hence, this is kind of a dilemma I find myself in now. This sounds grossly narcissistic, but it's quite evident I'm way out of his league. No, maybe you just know your value. I mean, you've been waiting around seven months. What the fuck? Okay, I got some opinions on this. Let me finish this. I constantly have guys throwing themselves at me and it's going to be hard to resist not hooking up with these fine men when I'm being deprived of a sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I'd feel horrible of giving him an ultimatum of sex or we break up, but I don't know what else to do. Please enlighten me with your grown man wisdom. Go consensually fuck

yourself. I think you need to find out why. There's a number of different roads this could go. Okay. He could have been molested. He could have had some religious upbringing that shamed him. He could be gay. There's a bunch of things, but I think you need to clear the air and he needs to start actively talking about other than you're just saying, I'm not ready yet. He's not even kissing you. If he's going to keep you, he needs to start actively communicating with you, maybe talking to somebody and figure out what's going on with him. And then all you have to do is see what your feelings are for this person. Do you want to hang around and let, you know, for this person to undo whatever the fuck their problem is? Because,

you know, the reality is, is when you're single and you're trying to find out who you're supposed to be with, you're 18 years old. I don't know if you're going to marry this guy. You've got to be selfish in a way, but you also shouldn't be hurting people. I would try to help this person. As far as like, try to get them to open up and give them some avenues to open up. And as they open up, it's only fair that you open up and you don't have to, you don't have to do the ultimatum, but you just have to say, Hey, I got needs too. And I'm attracted to you and I would like to get on with this. I don't say it that quickly, but you know what I mean, in a nice way. But you shouldn't feel bad about any of the feelings that you're having.

And he shouldn't feel ashamed of what he's feeling about. You guys just need to talk about it. And you need to set some sort of game plan that you can both live with to try to move it ahead. And if you guys can find a game plan that works for both of you, you'll stay together. If you don't, good luck to him. There's no reason to be a jerk. You know, and just move on or work through it. That's basically it. But everything that you're feeling is valid. Everything that that person's feeling is valid. People's feelings are valid. Even if they don't agree with your feelings. So you guys get all your feelings out on the table, you look at all the cards, you try to figure it out. If you can, you do. If you can't, you don't,

but there's no hard feelings. Right? That's the most adult way to do it. So good luck with that. And yeah, you seem like a really cool person. All right, here we go. Okay, re dumb work experiences. Okay, we got we got a little trend going on. Here we go. Dumb experiences. Dear Billy no booze. I own a small boutique liquor store in Denver. I have a terrific loyal customer base. But every now and then I get guests that are not used to our style of shop. You can see it in their face. I swear to God, I literally I don't know why I was just thinking of this sketch that I wanted that I thought was like not every sketch makes the show and I was just thinking how that would have played out. Sorry, let me go back so I can actually pay

attention. I own a small boutique liquor store in Denver. I have a terrific loyal customer base. But every now and then I get guests that are not used to our style of shop. You can see it in the face the moment they walk in, they are expecting a regular old packaged liquor store. Oh, that's a great name. That's what that's what they called it back when I was a kid going down to the packy. It's a beautiful shop with 600 different craft beers, 200 wines, 70 bourbons, etc. etc. Yeah, this is for like connoisseurs of alcohol and somebody's coming in what trying to buy a 12 a fucking Bud Light kid. Here I am. Here are my dumbfounded encounters I have had in the three years since I bought the shop. I think that would be such a cool thing to own a little boutique

liquor store that has all this high end booze. I always thought that that would be fucking cool. Number one, just a couple weeks ago, a woman about 50 years old or so came in and said, I was sent here to buy some blow. I responded. I'm sorry. What was that? She put her fingers to her mouth as if she was going to smoke a cigarette. I said, do you mean weed? She had a tepid look on her face like I was her parent and quietly said, yes, ma'am, there's a dispensary at the end of the block and don't ask them for blow. Just tell them you need some weed. Oh, that's hilarious. That's clearly not a drug user was sent there by somebody who's maybe too fucked up. Oh, boutique liquor store. Here's another dumb question.

Oh, this is right. Top five stupid questions. This is what the segment is. The top five, if you work for the public, deal with the public in your job. The top five dumb questions. I threw myself under the bus for the park ranger out in Joshua Tree. I went out to Joshua Tree and asked a park ranger, where is the Joshua Tree? Don't ask them that. There's a bunch of, that's like being in Massachusetts saying, where is the oak tree? Okay. Number two, do you sell scotch tape? Number three, do you have any whiskey? I have an entire wall of whiskey. It's the first thing you see when you walk in the door. Number four, is this a real store? I will never forget this question. That's probably somebody just always goes to Costco. Number five, are you here? I get this

question at least once a week. It blows me away every time I'm standing here. My door is open. Unless you know something, I don't, I am here. What, they can't see you? Is that what they do? Or they, I don't know. Anyway, all the best to you and Nia and the little ones. We'll see you at the comedy works next time you are around. Oh, that's cool. I love a high end liquor store. I used to, I still love them. That's the fucking best. All right, girl calls me fat, but she gained twice as much weight. Oh, wow. Hey, Billy Baratta had, I had some Baratta. Yep. You can call me Jordan. All right, me and my girlfriend, no kids, have been together for 11 years. I am six, two, and she is five, seven. When we started, started dating, we were still

teenagers and I was about 175 pounds and she was about 115. I am now 220 pounds and she is 200. Lately she is saying that I am getting fat. 220 pounds is not light, but I am still pretty okay for a guy that is six, two, and people never think I'm over 200 pounds. Yeah, but still dude, you can't walk around with that kind of weight. That really hastens how long you're going to live, belly fat. I have a bit of a beer belly and I love eating steak. When she told me I'm getting fat, I said, quote, I know I gained some weight. We both did. Maybe we should go out more like we used to. She right away said, oh, see, think I'm fat. Yeah. She said a little bear trap for you because she's not happy with what she looks like. I mean, she almost doubled her fucking weight.

Oh, I'm super imposing me because I know how much I beat myself up. Anyways, I told her no and that I find her sexy and lover. She said that I gained more than her than she ever did and I should eat healthier. Oh my God. Yeah, see, she's projecting here. She's basically saying a bunch of shit to you and then you can't say any shit back to her. Oh, see, I think I'm fat. You should have been like, you just said that I'm fat. You just said I'm getting fat. You know, you think I'm fat? Yeah, you're fat. I'm fat. We're fat. We need to do some about this shit. Anyway, I told her no, I didn't find, you know, I think she's sexy and I love her.

She said that I gain more. Dude, you, all right. If you're going to marry her and have kids, if she's already like fucking 50 pounds overweight, she's really, there's a lot of health risks to that. I believe she said that I gained more than she ever did and I should eat healthier. This is coming from someone who prefers McDonald's over a steakhouse. Yeah, she's in it. She has the addiction right now is when you eat this fucking food that they have in this country. The same way a drug addict doesn't want to do drugs. The sickness just takes over. You can literally get that sickness, craving sugar and salt and bad food. Speaking of that, did you see Ireland subway, uh, subway sandwiches that fucking in Ireland, they are saying they are not legally

allowing subway to say that their bread is bread because there's so much sugar in it. It's not bread anymore. And you watch these fucking assholes at subway rather than stop serving that fucking sugary shit. They're going to go after politicians and line their fucking pockets so they can still call it bread. It's fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. Um, but it's funny. They'd have more chances of getting in trouble if they told jokes. Anyways, I said, um, I said knowing the numbers, I think you gained a little more, but that's fine. Like I said, you are sexy and I want you and love you. You said that after you said the other shit. I'm sure she wasn't happy with that. Maybe we should just both go out more and have more fun if you know what I mean. Since then our sex life dropped

to an all time low and I feel like she doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. Also, Wade has never been an issue before since then. I lost about 15 pounds. Good man. She didn't even notice or won't say anything about it at least. Yeah. She might be feeling bad about herself and she's taken it out on you. It seems she's still gaining weight. It's starting to hang around her belly and hips. Whether I try to talk to her about it, talk to her about my feelings or our sex life, she gets really defensive and mad and I don't know what to do about it anymore. I love this woman to death and just wanted to be happy together, fat or not, although I prefer at least to be healthy. What would Billy Ball Balls do? Please help. Thank you and go fuck yourself.

I would just say to her, just tell her you need to talk and I would sit down and tell her that you love her and that you want to be with her. But you know, like any relationship that comes times we have to sit down and talk and this is one of them and I would just tell her how you're feeling and just tell her what you want to do and how it makes you feel when the sex life, it's like you told me that I was getting fat and then we had that conversation and now you're not having sex with me. I feel like you're not attracted to me anymore. Is that the truth? Is that the case? I would say and then listen to what she says and then you just basically have to tell her what you would like the two of you to do, which is to live a more healthy

lifestyle. I want to live a more healthy lifestyle with you and see what she says and just tell her how you're feeling and tell her what you want and what you want the two of you to do and leave it at that and if she gets upset and she cries and do all of that type of stuff, just remain calm. See, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm not insulting you. I just want to, I just feel like we need to communicate here. I feel like there's something going on. I'm open to all options and see how that goes and if she, I really think that she sort of just, I don't think she's happy with herself and I don't think it's you. I think it's her and it's a hard fucking road when you're on a road you don't want to be on and you don't

know how to get off of it. It makes you hate yourself and then you're ashamed of yourself and then the walls come up and then you can lash out at people and stuff like that. See, I think it's going to be more than one conversation to try and get through this, so you're going to have to be really patient. This is a tough one. This is one of the toughest ones if the woman in your life is putting on weight and you know she's not happy about it and she's being super fucking defensive. I mean, that's literally like there's a wild animal. I saw this was a fucking mountain lion stuck in a bear trap and these guys were trying to free it while this thing was trying to fucking defend itself. It's like I'm trying to help you and the

mountain lion didn't understand it is essentially what you're dealing with here and I think women deal with it. If a guy's like, you know, you can't get it up or something like that, that's going to cause a guy to start doing the fucking mountain lion in the bear trap fucking thing. Just know you got your work cut out for you here. It's going to be more than one conversation and then also know that your feelings are valid and you express them and she should hear them and she should not be what she's doing. She shouldn't be doing to you. That's not fair to you. She's hurting herself by continuing to gain weight. It's just it's not going to be you can eat your way into being a diabetic and that whole fucking nightmare or you can just

turn the ship around now while you're young and you know, it's a great thing to do. Like me and my wife just started getting back in until like working out together, which is fucking awesome. I was just basically going for walks and I want you to have kids. You know, it's hard. You don't have a lot of time, but it's a it's a great bonding thing. Like, all right, let's do this and she pushes me. I push her or whatever and it's a fun. It can be a real fun thing to do. You just got to, you know, try and sell them on it. That's all. So anyways, all right. Okay, that's the podcast. What a weekend. Thank you guys. I didn't even thank you guys. My head spin is so much. Thank you guys for tuning in and watching. I stayed offline because I need to just

stay level. You know what I mean? I can't be reading a bunch of good shit. I can't be reading a bunch of negative shit. I did what I did. Some people like it. Some people don't. You know, there's a million comics out there. If you like it, keep watching me. If you don't like it, don't watch me. I understand. No big deal. So I haven't, but I just really appreciate like all the emails that I got, how excited and happy you guys were for me. That was just, it was the gig of my life. And everybody over SNL could not have made it easier. It was just from the second I got over there to when I left that place. It was just, it was just the greatest experience I've had. So I will never forget it. I will never forget it. And I will be watching next week. Issa Rae is up next.

And I saw a few of the hosts that got coming up after that. It just keeps getting better. So that is it, everybody. That is the podcast. I will talk to you. I'll check in on you on Thursday. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll see you.