Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-13-14

Episode Date: October 13, 2014

Bill rambles about pussy cold calls, owning a highway, and being fat while standing up.

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Live with it Yeah, what's going on? Is everything good with you? Is everything good with you? Well, yeah, you look good Yeah, I haven't seen you for a while What else is going on? Oh yeah? Oh, that's good

Me? Nothing, you know Same old shit, my fucking boss You know, he's breaking my balls Well, I'm not gonna bore you with it, dude What do you think about the past? Are they for fucking real? It's like, you know, which team are they?

I'm actually doing this out in my living room They have the echo out here Like the old Capitol Records thing that they used to do Right? We got the construction workers downstairs So if you hear some fucking banging around or whatever That's just them finishing up the goddamn job I always wonder what they think when I'm up here

Fucking singing and screaming and saying, cunt You know, they probably think I'm yelling at my wife or bitching about the job They're doing, you know Maybe if they didn't have real jobs They'd have time to listen to the podcast like you Like you are right now How dare you in the middle of a fucking work week In the United States of America

You just sitting here listening to this shit You know? Aren't we slipping enough? What the fuck you are around the world? You know, this weekend I went out and I did a show At the Spotlight 29 Casino With let there be talks Dean Del Ray of the let there be talk podcast

And Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl legend And host of the Puck Off Podcast And the peas popping I gotta turn this fucking volume down here Anyways, the We weren't out there, we had a great time But we were on our way out there

And We were on the highway and I'm thinking, alright There's fucking Three of us here, we can use the carpool lane And recently I've been getting these tickets For riding I don't know what, going through tolls and not paying

And I'm like, where the hell was that? And there's pictures of my car and shit And I'm on the highway, I had no idea what it was And I was riding out with those guys And they finally explained what it was They said That a private group Bought up a section

Of the highway out here in Los Angeles And They own it, and when you use it You gotta pay them money, you gotta give them toll money And all that type of shit And that was really scary to me Because if they were gonna do that Why wouldn't the state just do it?

Why wouldn't they just say Well fuck it, we'll just do it And we'll collect that money God knows we could use it Right? But instead they sold it off to somebody So what that says to me is This state is so fucking bankrupt

They don't even have time To just, you know Just collect money on roads that they already own They have to sell off like a giant section of a highway Who's that group that owns the giant section of the highway And how the fuck do I get involved in that That business I'll parachute right out of here

I'll do like fucking a podcast Seven days of goddamn week I'll never go on the road again Won't tell any jokes And you guys can just listen to me Slowly slip into madness Do you realize how fucking That's one of the greatest investments of all time

I own a stripper I own five miles of a fucking highway Outside one of the most populated cities Ever There's no public transportation For the most part Everybody's in a car And every time they go out

Through that fucking thing Ding, ding, ding, ding 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents And I'm sitting here on my fucking couch Just sitting here The bag of pretzels in a fucking Miller high life Right? Just sitting here 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents

It's the greatest fucking thing ever And I know what you do, what about the overhead What about it? It's already fucking made When do you have to pave it Once every four, five years? If that? I remember back in the day the mass bike

The whole time I was there They paved that thing one time I don't know what it is Whatever man, who gives a fuck How much could that fuck Well shit, that could cost a lot of money I know if you do any sort of driveway They always come in, oh it's going to be about 20 grand

Is it? Alright, more like three Um, that could get expensive I guess that could get expensive But dude, I'm telling you that is the move If you can somehow Get in with the people that are going to start Buying up the fucking roads over here

And oh Jesus Christ I would be such an obnoxious ass If I was making money like that I'd start wearing wife beaters And I'd have a fucking gold piece hanging around my neck That just said 45 cents 45 cents, 45 cents, 45 cents I'd slowly just go fucking nuts

Thinking about it, being like that guy Pick up the papers, pick up the papers Hey Bill, what do you want for lunch? Let me get a roast beef sandwich 45 cents, 45 cents He gives you a little weird, he's a little weird He's paying for the whole lunch, you know He just kind of repeats himself a little bit

So whoever did that, good on you And whoever has been in office Out here in California Fuck you, you spineless cunt All of you How the fuck do you go bankrupt As a goddamn state? Everybody, go into work every day

You want to talk about 45 cents, 45 cents These motherfuckers are getting money from everybody They're getting free money Free money Taxes, free money Hey, I'm going to go buy a fucking chapeau Put it on my big stupid round head Alright, that'll be eight dollars

Plus fucking, you know, whatever 80 cents tax There you go You didn't have to do a fucking thing State government, did you? All you had to do is sit around Away from me to go out and go buy a fucking hat Free money

Here you go, here you go, here you go Coming in Big pile of fucking loot And then you blow all of it How do you go bankrupt as a state? Jesus fucking Christ Unbelievable I don't want to hear your fucking excuses

Well, you know, pictures of that little stretch Of five mile hotel Of highway I mean, you got fucking, the highway goes You know, from San Diego all the way up Fuck yourself, you know what's in there? Around all those highways A zillion fucking people

All giving you money, every time they go out To go buy themselves, you know, some condoms And a pair of socks, you fucking making money You got plenty of goddamn money But this is what happens Alright, the fucking public servants The people who hold office They don't make any money

They make no fucking money I don't know what a senator makes I know the president makes four And a grand a fucking year, okay? So if you're governor of Los Angeles What are you taking down a year? What, a hundred grand? A hundred grand to have everybody in the fucking city

Say that you're a piece of shit You're fucking everything up, right? You got to have security so nobody comes up And fucking shanks you every time you go out To go get a club sandwich And not to mention it costs millions and millions And millions of dollars to campaign To get that fucking job

And in the end all you get is a hundred grand Those guys They are set up to be bribed This is 100% believe this shit So basically You're going for a job That's going to get you a hundred grand And you need millions and millions of dollars

To fucking get the thing So now you got to get in bed with all these fat cats That can fucking buy up the goddamn highways And that's what they do, right? Tell you what, I'll finance you Fuck, listen to me Fucking shut up I'm going to fucking

What do you need? How much money do you need for this? Eight, seven, nine million, what the fuck do you need? Eight, 20, 40, 60, eight, you fucking keep it All right, but In return you got to give me You got to give me ten miles of the fucking ten Or the five Let me get the five, all the fucking hippies driving up to San Francisco

Let me get ten miles of that I'm not finished Let me get ten miles of that And let's make It a no fly zone Over Disneyland Whatever the fuck they want, right? Then that's what happens

Or whatever, you know what, I'm going to do this job I'm going to repay, I'm going to be the guy who fucking repays it I'm going to donate two million dollars To your fucking campaign So you can get this job that makes a hundred grand A fucking year And maybe eventually get to the White House So you get that Marilyn Monroe side pussy

And then you get to go on the fucking golden parachute Million dollar a speech fucking gig After you retire And in the meantime I want the contract to do this job for the state And I'm going to charge you fucking nine million dollars For a hammer As the old fucking urban legend goes

And that's how you go fucking bankrupt There you go, look at that, dummy like me That's my theory Anyways, this is the Monday Morning podcast As I mentioned That was a good ten minutes of horseshit Horse, belt, W Is it horseshit? Like you fucking who

Or is it horseshit? And you just say them so fast It's whore You know what, I'm going to google that right now Let me see, let me look up horseshit H-O-R-E-S-H-I-T You know, if you curse as much as I do You should really find

Dictionary, horseshit It is a word Shit whore, shit bitch whoreface Look at this She used to horseshit Not embarrassed at all She's used to horseshit Or is it horseshit?

I think we can all agree it's definitely bullshit Girls on IRC This is Urban Dictionary Girls on IRC, which I don't know what that is Who are desperate for attention And will latch onto any scum they find Also gets naked on cam for attention And sends out pics of themselves

Committing O-D-D-X To their anus Jesus Christ What's funny about the fucking Urban Dictionary Just like the Webster In the dictionary you got to look up like another five fucking words O-D-D I remember O-D-B

That was Old Dirty Bastard, Old Dirty Dick What? Sends out pics themselves Committing to O-D-D-X I feel like the white cop on Sanford at Sun right now What's going off? Also named O-D-D What the fuck would that be?

O-D-D-D-D-D-D-X Outpictures of themselves committing O-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-X to that Doesn't make sense Jesus Christ, now I got to look this up See what happens, this is how you lose a whole fucking day This is why nothing is getting done in this country Because you fucking go to the Urban Dictionary

As a white guy like me Oppositional defiant disorder Now what the fuck Jesus Christ I don't even give a fuck anymore Oh my god, he has O-D-D Force him Force drug him

It can't have anything to do with Ridiculous excessive punishments or restrictions Operational defiant disorder Surprisingly it's real A fake ass disorder pulled out of their asses Of a small collective of psychiatrists Working for pharmaceutical companies In order to maximize revenue

Of course there's no You know what's funny I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore Alright, I'll chalk that up to be White as fuck Anyways Plowing ahead here You guys

Did you guys watch any of the football this week? Of course you did You had nothing better to do just like me You like how I'm doing that? I'm dragging you into my own fucking world I actually didn't watch too much of it I was running around like a maniac I did watch

My patriots Don't let the final score fool you It was a lot closer Than you thought it was I mean we were only up by 8 With 4 minutes to go Against the buffalo bills This is why

I can't buy into the patriots team yet People are like We had a close game against the raiders The raiders They've stunk I don't know They've stunk since they were in LA Who's kidding who? No that's not true

They had the snowcote game Where they lost to us Because of an obscure rule I love how raider fans think That game was bullshit It wasn't bullshit The rule was bullshit But the call was not bullshit

It was right on the money What was bullshit Was the roughing the passer call Against sugar bear Hamilton That got the raiders Into Superbowl 11 So quit your crying Go put on your make up

In your stupid fucking costume And go sit in the end zone I'm in the stands No one gives a shit about me But you're not going to intimidate A professional football player With your goddamn outfit When I look into

When I bite into a York peppermint patty When I look into the fucking end zone Of the goddamn raiders And I see the sadness That that fan base has become I'll never get over because I fucking love the raiders That is one of the most Arguably the best logo

In all the national football Everybody who the fuck Hasn't tried to rip off Putting some sort of black Into their uniform to try to be more intimidating Or at least the amount of people who have Right? Atlanta Falcons

The old Houston Oilers Didn't they do that? Or Jerry Glanville just went on and got a black jacket That fucking idiot He shouldn't have been a head coach He should have been on like Falcon Crest Or something like that Who else? Everybody for a while

Everybody would always switch their uniforms to black Because they want to be more fucking intimidating When the raiders were smart enough From day one Right? The silver and black And they had a fucking pirate On the side of their helmet They've never had to change it

Look at every fucking team out there Had to change it Eventually it was like alright What the fuck were we thinking in 1960 Whatever everybody has fucked With their goddamn logo Except for the raiders They never had to they got it right

Right out of the gate Like that fat fuck they pull out of the stands To try to hit a half court fucking shot Right? So we can go out and go win a fucking dodge opal Or whatever the fuck they're giving away Oh my god I can't even afford the insurance Right?

Some meaty fat tit fucking moron goes out there Nothing but net Like they did back in 1960 And sure there's other teams That couldn't admit that they fucked up Like the dolphins When you really think about the dolphins That is probably the worst fucking name

Considering the sharks Was still on That was still available They could have been the sharks They could have had some badass fucking logo I mean if you're gonna go with some sort of porpoise Type looking fish Right?

They picked the dolphins Why don't you just call yourselves the pussies Right? That logo should have had a fucking beach ball Right on the end of it's goddamn nose So anyways But they stick with this thing For so goddamn long

They win two super bowls They go undefeated back when you played like fucking 12 games and nobody gave a shit There was no pressure whatsoever Right? They went to another two super bowls I think yeah in the 80s One with Don Strock

And one with Dan Marino And after a while You just kind of forgot That they were the dolphins and they had that silly ass Logo And it never dawned on me again How stupid that fucking name and logo was Until they changed it

They changed it what last year I think they changed it last year I think I already made fun of the logo But whenever I look at that logo To me looks like It's the logo of a corporation That just had a massive fucking oil spill In the gulf

And now they're trying to pretend like they give a shit About the environment so they switch up Their logo Kind of like BP did They put like that fucking Looks like corn and grass is the color Of their logo like oh well They care about us

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Things that are really When you watch like an NFL football game Have you like watched the advertising? Like how much of a fucking Like Psycho loser they think you are? First of all They're running that fucking that ad

Every 10 minutes don't hit women No more No more she slipped on the coffee Cake No more I was stretching and accidentally pushed her down The stairs No more

No more We were playing football and she tried to Block a kick She tried to block the punt Dude she was rough in me She's not supposed to run into the kick My fault My fucking sneaker hit her face

So they got that going So basically they think we're wife beaters Alright every 5 seconds You got some sort of Your dick doesn't get hard and you're going bald You're a balding Limp dick wife beater Right?

And then they run the fucking draft kings You're a degenerate gambler You're a degenerate gambling bald Limp dick fucking wife beater Nothing positive They're fucking no more commercial Fucking annoys me Because I feel like they're yelling at me

And I don't hit women Why don't you fucking tone it down a little bit Okay I actually tweeted this out You know when you watch a WNBA game But they start yelling at all the broads watching that shit You know no more marrying a guy Just because he's got money

But you don't love him No more I'm used to a certain lifestyle Do they do that shit? Of course they don't If they consider finding something fucking wrong with it They don't know more campaign You know he's dressed all in black You know they think on the cover of the fucking Beatles album

You know my favorite part of all of it Can somebody please explain to me How they didn't do a Like didn't do any sort of background check On iced tea and he got in that fucking commercial According to his albums Wasn't he a pimp at some point I don't know much about the pimp

It game but as far as I know You know If you started off as a pimp It was your first million smacking bitches Every couple of seconds Huh? Bitch wears my money Oh I love iced tea Every time you fucking see that guy

He's always talking about the street You know Yo I could make 5 grand At 20 minutes Every fucking time I don't give a fuck what you bring up The street is gonna bring up the street And how much money he could make how quickly

Hey iced tea isn't it a beautiful day out here I'll tell you it was beautiful When I was out on the street I could make 5 grand at 20 minutes Yeah I was just kinda talking about the weather Every fucking one of those VH1 Things from 10 years ago All those behind the musics

Anything blah blah blah I don't give a fuck what they were talking about And told you that he could make 5 grand At 20 minutes When I was out on the street The pimping game Oh shut up about the fucking pimping game I hate how that whole thing is romanticized

See when you get some runaway To go out and sell her pussy for money There's an art to it Is it you fucking creep You know what's funny I don't even know Was he a pimp All those albums fucking ran together They all came out they were so fucking overwhelming

You know I'm sitting here A little white boy living in the cul-de-sac And all of a sudden EZE and all these guys came out I couldn't keep up with who was getting shot Who was getting smacked So I might be wrong on that one But am I the only one who was like wait a minute That's that guy who can make 5 grand

At 20 minutes smacking bitches out there And selling crack right No more Ah Jesus I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about Anyways let's get down to the Football this week So I watched the Patriots obviously It was a big victory on the AFC East

The weak, limp-dicked fucking AFC East Jesus Christ man What has happened to the fucking Jets B-b-b-banny And the Jets They're fucking falling off the face of the earth Now what a lot of people would think That the Patriots are gonna have an easy victory

Come this Thursday on Thursday Night Football And I'm here to tell you that probably won't happen But I'm actually not buying it Because Jets always play as tough Alright I'm gonna sell you a bad game The Patriots versus the Jets Thursday Night Football

Alright you know I'll tell you the Jets they got their backs up against the wall You know I wouldn't count out this Rex Ray 18 They still bought to his system I know they've lost nine games in a fucking row Um They're actually in a

Actually a rough A rough week For New York Football Huh? The Eagles really that fucking good I mean I don't know I just kept thinking Alright the Giants are gonna make some sort of half-time adjustment

At some point It was brutal though huh Crews got fucking that brutal injury Oh look at this shit here I'm on a New York Post We have Radio Hosts Excuse for Mocking Crews Injury

A Philadelphia Radio Host Mocking Giant Star Receivers Victor Crews After he injured his right knee in the second half Lost How is it hard to believe that anybody in Philly Does anything other than I guess if they act like human beings

It's actually hard to believe Crews who had just dropped a fourth down pass In the end zone tore his pateller tendon Ow On the play and immediately grabbed his knee Mike Missinelli Hey Mike fucking Missinelli A Radio Host for 97.5

The Fanatic Made fun of Crews' salsa dancing As he writhed in pain I gotta admit that's kind of funny Hey Giant fans Victor Crews is over Oh God Okay wait a minute

I thought he was gonna be like I thought he was gonna do something like that That would have made me laugh As Crews was carted off in tears The fans in attendance at Lincoln Financial Field Gave him a sincere round of applause Oh look at that I'm saying all Eagle fans are bad

I guess they're not And Missinelli soon backtracked Deleting the tweet And replacing it with multiple Apologies Somebody was home drunk Watching the game Crews is done

Dance to that tweet Just sitting there laughing That's a good one That'll get me some more listeners And all of a sudden all the hate starts coming in He starts sweating all over the place Except down on his balls Cause he's wearing meundies

Meundies no more sweaty balls This is what he wrote He said I apologize for the Crews tweet I didn't see that he got hurt on the play I stayed him and saw he dropped it Walking to my car You lion sack of shit He goes I just saw on big screen

Outside stating that he dropped the pass Didn't see that he got hurt on the play My bad I would never have tweeted that Had I known he got injured Please know that You're foolish dude Victor Crews is over

Right there that means you know he got hurt Ah Jesus This guy doesn't need meundies Meundies no more sweaty balls Cause he doesn't have any balls Just say listen I was at the game I got fucking hammered And I made a joke

That a lot of people made I was actually in a cigar bar last night watching the game And somebody made that joke And people laughed and was like Ah you know But you know what the fuck You're going to sit there And watch down

The joke's just laying there Waiting for somebody to say it He could bind that with some alcohol And you can bind that he's in Philly So he's got to be at least three quarters of a fucking animal Animal The voice is cracking I actually had a great time

I went to this awesome cigar bar last night And I watched the Giants Eagles game You know the game was just fucking Sighted Why are you ass kicking And we actually was sitting there And Jesus Christ they hammering right underneath me

This is what it's been people for the last fucking six months I know what you think in six months Jesus built What are they rebuilding the whole downstairs Yes, yes they are And now they're going to put in the hard word floors And then they found out the floor wasn't level And the guy fucking goes Hey Bill was this

Downstairs area ever outside Yeah it was Let me guess It used to be some sort of half ass porch So they had it raked Whatever 15 degree angle So the rain water Would roll off it

Now it's inside Whatever When you're downstairs in my house I just feel like you're on a boat that's making a left turn Or a right turn depending on which way you walk And I don't give a fuck I never even noticed to be honest with you But you know he went down there with a level

And that little ball just kind of rolled A little bit to the side I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck I give a fuck but I don't have any more money I don't have any more money to throw at that I'm cutting you off alright son it's over You gotta get out in the world and get a fucking job So anyways

A couple of buddies Smoked a couple of cigars and Was watching the game It was just a wire to wire fucking beat down And I don't know I was disappointed In the game I was impressed obviously with Philly I know the Giants started off rough

They've been playing better But still I didn't think it was going to go like that And I've always loved the NFC East It's always just been It's always been great football Always great rivalries and that type of thing The Redskins have not been a factor For so long

Because those Cowboy Redskins games Were always great when I was growing up But I guess there's always one team That's going to suck in your division Somebody's got to come and last It's just been them for a while For whatever reason Alright is that all I had to say in football

I honestly didn't watch a lot I would have to think that they're Fucking calling for Rex Ryan's head at this point Or are they still sticking with him Are they still sticking with the guy I'm actually going to be upset If he gets fired because I love Watching him lose

You know And if they fire him I don't get to do that anymore Alright here we go And What do we got here spit it out Bill New York Post Sports Alright Kevin Durant hurt his foot the Yankees

A-Rod Mysteries are much deeper than you think A-Rod my favorite Yankee of all time The $200 million Albatross Let's see Gronk Swagger returning to the Patriots I guess he made a quote They should get laid

What the fuck Jets pick six Ending a gambling Miracle for Bronco's backers Yeah I don't see them getting Saying get rid of Rex Ryan yet Well that's very surprising

For the New York Post They usually got the sky is falling After two fucking days Alright I got to look at this story here Sorry guys I'm just you just listen me Read the newspaper this week Gronk Swagger to the Patriots They should get laid

Rob Gronkowski is always looking out for his teammates Falling to England's decisive I love how it was decisive We were up by eight With four minutes to go Somebody didn't watch the game He just looked at the final score 37-22 went over the bills on Sunday

The Patriots tight end wanted to give credit To the often overlooked Offensive line He goes they're the ones who should Oh they're the ones who should get laid tonight Gronkowski said That's very nice of them See that wasn't bad

It wasn't bad at all Alright enough with the friggin football How about the baseball How about the baseball You guys been watching that shit I've been watching the Royals I haven't watched the Giants Cardinals I saw that Cardinals had a walk off last night

Which is awesome But Hang on a second Where the fuck did that story go? God damn it The New York Post Actually had a fucking great story About some nurse Because I don't want to have this all be sports

And listen to you guys fucking whining at me How much do you do for the people who don't like sports Here's one for you For people who aren't into sports Nurse accused of killing 38 patients She found annoying Cops arrested a nurse In northeast Italy

Hey how you doing In connection with deaths Of as many as 38 patients She say Whom she may have killed Because she found them or their relatives annoying Wow Daniella

Poggiali A 42 year old resident from the town of Lugo Was taken into custody Over the weekend and booked for allegedly slaying The alleged slaying Of a 78 year old patient Rosa Keldarone Who died from an injection of

Potassium Keldarone had Been admitted to the hospital with a routine Illness before she died unexpectedly Test show she died with a high amount of Potassium Which can provoke cardiac arrest In her bloodstream

According to Central European news Her death triggered an investigation Which found that 38 others had died Mysteriously Whipoggiali was on duty The news agency reported Whipoggiali's fellow nurses described her As a cold person but always

Eager to work Wow Another one of Poggiali's colleagues said That the accused nurse was once reported For giving powerful laxative to patients At the end of her shift To make work tougher for the Nurses working after her

Filed under crime Comma Italy Jesus Christ Now there's a person Who never got hugged as a child What a fucking I mean I shouldn't say that man

Because she hasn't been convicted of anything Why do they do that? Why do they protect the alleged victim But not the alleged accused I saw something last night That was saying that this person out here Attacked a 68 year old Woman with like a broomstick

Or something outside of a fucking ATM And So then they show this guy's face Right I'll just random fucking name They're like They show the guy's face on TV as mugshot And they go

And that is when Scott Walker Allegedly took a broomstick And smashed a 68 year old woman Over the head with it At an ATM You don't even know if you got the right fucking guy This guy's face is all over the fucking news Why did we have to see somebody's face

Before they're convicted I don't understand that Like you know How do you fucking make a comeback from that Aren't you the guy who got Accused Fucking What is the work

Accused the assaulter of a 68 year old woman Like how do you get a fucking job after that Um Anyways, the amount of times that they get the wrong person Don't you think that they should maybe hold off On showing the photo Anybody, Bueller, anybody Anybody at all, does anybody give a shit

On any level whatsoever What the hell is the recorder Don't even tell me, don't even tell me I knocked it off Ah fuck Okay good, I thought for half a second I shut it off I'm actually late today So Billy Boy's got a day job Oh, Billy Boy's got a day job

Right in a fucking show That I can't wait for you guys to see But I'm not allowed to talk about it Until they announce it Once they announce it, I'll give you a little bit of hype on it I think you're gonna enjoy it That's all I can fucking say Um, hey I want to thank everybody

Who came out to the spotlight 29 Casino To see Dean Delray Joe Bartnick and myself Had a wonderful time Out there I gotta do more stand up though man I really miss doing it, I've been writing this fucking show

And Kind of burning it at both ends So I gotta figure that out But I'm basically straight out Writing this thing until Thanksgiving And then my schedule eases up a little bit more I do have coming up I got some great gigs coming up

I'm doing the 20th anniversary Of comics come home And the great thing that The great benefit foundation Whatever the hell you call it That Dennis Leary and Cam Neely Started 20 years ago For the Cam Neely house

Which basically when Unfortunately I think Cam lost both of his parents I know at least one of his parents he lost a cancer And uh, you know They were in like the hospital and that type of thing So they made up the Cam Neely house And so it's just a place like during treatment Where people can rather than sitting in a hospital

It's a great thing and it's 20 years I can't believe that because I did Either comics come home Two or three Way back in 1996 So I don't know If they were 94, 95, 96 That was number three

If this is the 20th one Is this the 20th, 20 years Or the 20th one, you know what I mean Like he played 19 years 20 seasons, like I can't figure it out Whatever, this is either the 20th or the 20th year That they've been doing it And I'm going to be up there

And it's going to be an absolute Murderer's Row Of stand up comedians On that thing and One of them who I can't wait to see Is going to be Stephen Wright Who is arguably One of the best comedians I've ever seen

I mean he is, there's no argument there He just is, I can't wait to see him And it's going to be awesome And then the next day I'm going to be at Giggles Comedy Club In Saugus On November 9th, doing a benefit up there And then the following week

I'm out in Florida And what is that? I don't know what the f**king date is Why don't I look here? I'm going out for Thursday night football When the Dolphins play the Bills And I'm going to the Thursday night game

And then the next night I am in, can you tell I'm trying to open windows That's why I'm f**king talking slower I'm at the West Palm Beach Improv In West Palm Beach, Florida And Doing a couple shows there Me, Paul Verzi

And The next day I'm going to the Miami Hurricane And I'm going to the Miami Hurricane Florida seminal game And fortunately It's where the Miami Hurricanes play So I don't have to listen too much to that

Fortunately I won't have to do that The amount of people who do that And actually think that that's You know Like Native Americans actually used to do that Like that's actually one of their songs Rather than it was just some h***** that Hollywood made up That

And going whoo, they all have bullsh** You know what's so f***** Crazy is how that stuck around For this g***** long That people came up with that s**t, do you understand that they came up with that s**t When people didn't even know how to act yet At least on film or whatever like that

That was like 30 years before Why, I oughta Let me tell you something, Shay All of that stupid f***** horrible acting Before Marlon Brando came around and changed the game What's up, Cleo? What are you doing? Come here, buddy Come here

How are you doing? Good to see you Good to see you You taking a nap? Yeah, that was rough, wasn't it? Going to the side of the house Relieving yourself and then eating a whole f***** Can't at dog food, you must be exhausted

I can really see why you have to go there And take another nap What do you do all day? Nothing, why are you always sleeping? I want an answer Nothing, microphone right in the muzzle I get nothing Alright, get out of here

Okay, go on F***** love that dog F***** love that dog, man I will never not have a dog You know, in fact You know, this one here, if we got another dog We'd probably try to kill it Unless it was a baby boy from what I heard

So I don't need that drama in my house My dog's a psycho because somebody Beat the s**t out of it before I got it So I'm going to keep this dog You know And hopefully God willing How old is she?

Five, six years? I didn't want to think about this However long she lasts But then the next round I'm getting two I'm going to eat a blue nose and a red nose Pity A couple of puppies And that's it, I'm always going to have f***** dogs They just make your life better

They really do So anyways, hey listen to this, oh, Billy f***** booze bag Is Seven days sober, eight days Haven't drank in eight days Great, now I'm ready to go on a f***** run That's all it takes Those of you guys trying to knock off the booze

Unless you're like a serious f***** alcoholic Which fortunately I don't suffer from that It takes like Five days for me is the tipping point If I'm like three, four days in I'm like Yeah, this doesn't seem like a streak You know, like ah, you know what I mean I'm not playing tonight, you know

I'm going to sit back and f***** drink a beer, you know But then once you get, you know, five, six days in I got a nice little run going here Little Cal Ripken Junior Junior Junior Going on here, right? Want to see how long I can go Blah blah blah blah blah And I went to the

I went to the store and I got a bunch of Those little f***** plastic tins Of a bunch of veggie s**t And I just shoved that down my pie hole And now I got my body craving That again I swear to God, man, I swear to God The amount of people who are f*****

Addicted Sugar and salt Has to be off the charts But I might be doing that thing where I'm taking my life And superimposing it on everybody else's You know what I mean? Well, if I suffer from this Then you must suffer from it

But I'm telling you, all I have to do Is wake up in the morning And I just Oatmeal with a f***** banana In it That fills me up And then if I go and I get a salad With a f***** protein

For lunch, it's over Then that's all it takes To kind of break That sugar salt, sugar salt, sugar salt F***** horses**t going back and forth Pizza, cookies, ice cream, f***** burger Fries And you feel it, you feel yourself going off the rails

All f***** hyped up on the salt I gotta get some sugar, I gotta f***** level You do a line of f***** sugar That levels you out Then you wake up the next day Lighting inside your body and you wake up What do you get? Ah, do you get oatmeal? No, you grab the fruit loops You grab the fruit loops

Then you're walking out the door all hopped up on sugar You take a handful of... You f***** literally empty out all the pretzels And just drink the salt at the bottom of the bag Just so you can get the f***** work You know? And then you just keep chasing it So I actually talked to somebody on Twitter

Actually sent me a little tweet Saying that they Started eating like the salads and everything And they started craving that stuff And they dropped like 20 pounds You know? Obviously I'm no nutritional Or fitness f***** guru But I can't tell you if you just start eating that way

It's impossible Who likes going to the f***** gym? Nobody What would you rather do? Would you rather spend 45 f***** minutes on a treadmill Or just sit down And over the course of 5 minutes Just eat a salad

You know? With some chicken breast Or some salmon You know? Maybe just go Like a total veggie one with some beans in there It's f***** over Wouldn't you rather do that Than eating the s**t you want to eat And then jumping on a treadmill

Wearing out your hips, your knees and your feet F***** trying to run... I'm gonna walk the next mile Just eat a f***** salad Put your feet up Eat a salad... Last night when I watched the game I actually Was sitting in a cigar bar

So I'm killing myself that way But as far as food goes I actually What did I get? I ordered this beets and goat cheese salad Which back in the day I would be like you f***** pussy I threw that thing down my throat

Filled me up I wasn't hungry and I woke up today And you know My alabaster stomach wasn't sticking out As far as I thought it was gonna be I woke up this morning happy Seeing that and what did I do? Did I have to lift a bunch of weights?

They have to run up and down the f***** street They have to do a bunch of burpees Standing in the sand next to some f***** Tanned up chick who's never gonna f***** me No, I didn't I just sat in a f***** lazy boy And fueled my body with the f***** salad Can't recommend it enough

Having said all that I don't know s**t about nutrition But I do know if you get a f***** F***** Peacons in there, it's absolutely delicious I highly recommend it I want you guys walking around f***** Being fat f***** who wants to be a fat f*****

You there in the back You want to be a fat f***** good for you Alright, let's get to the Other advertisement Then I'm gonna read some of these letters for the week Alright, stamps.com everybody You know that feeling you get when you can't get things done With just the click of your mouse

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Enter Burr Alright, let's get to the questions for this week Alright, Japan Dear Billy I'm wondering when you're going to come to Japan And if there's a reason you have not You have spoken about the food many times As being your favorite along with Italian

The countryside is beautiful So you could get in a good hike Love you and love Nia Well, you know what, sir You tell me where I can go perform over there Are there enough English speaking Japanese That are going to understand

My humor, because I would love To go to Tokyo, I would love To go to Japan You know what, I'm going to fucking make this happen That's it, I'm going You tell me where to go, you write me back You tell me where to go I know that there's obviously

We still have bases over there From that whole World War II thing Sorry about that, by the way I know we went a little hardcore with the second one So So it's about time I come over there With a little fucking olive branch And do my stupid

Stupid little fucking tricks there A little somersault there, a little punch line there Dude, I would absolutely love to go over there You know, obviously huge fan of the food Huge fan of the fucking Architecture and everything that I've seen over there Both the old and the new That whole thing where you fucking beat all those dolphins

To death, I don't know about that shit But I'm sure you're not doing it Whatever, look at that, already we got some comedy there I don't know shit about your country, there I said it, but I want to go I've never been to Asia, I'd love to go over there I'd love to go to Japan, see the Great Wall And all that shit, I'm kidding, I'm kidding

I know that that's in China, alright Let's not get crazy, this is what I know About Asia, okay As far as I know, the Japanese Are basically The white people Of Asia, in that They feel that they are the most superior

And over the course Of the centuries, they have Tried to Impose their will On the other people around them, is that true Why would I say this about the country That wants me to go there, because I'm a fucking moron Then you got Korea

You got North Korea, you got South Korea North Korea has that One of the rarest things you'll ever see In the world, which is an out of shape Asian guy Running their country Okay The North Koreans So all the North Korean people are starving

And this guy is walking around As basically a fat face tub of shit This is what kills me about this guy Okay, if you're going to be A dictator, you know, you got to feed you If you want it to last I guess his dad was able to starve everybody Dude, if I was a dictator

I would be such a good shit, no one would try To take me over, you know I wouldn't be out there raping and pillaging I would run it nice It would be all my fucking rules But I would be a nice guy about it When people go, you know, we're kind of getting sick Of that, you know, I can see that

I can see that Not because I really see it Just because I don't want you guys to eventually come And make an attempt on my life So, you know, what would you like? See, I don't have the backbone To be a dictator In China, you got a zillion fucking people Which

Isn't that kind of Japan's fault Because they kept invading them So then they were like, we're going to have so many fucking people No matter how many of us you killed There's going to be another wave coming over And now look at them Goddamn air over there was like brown What else do I know?

Do I know anything positive? Do I know anything positive? Yeah, I know something positive All the martial arts come from there The yoga came up from fucking India And I know you guys had a wonderful life Until the English got there and fucked everything up Which is pretty much, you know what?

That's the default answer around the world Yeah, everything was going great And then the English people came there and said All right, these people here are a little bit better than those people there A little bit better than those people there And we're running shit and go fuck yourself Settle in for the next hundred years And then you'll force us out

Then we're going to leave and you guys can continue fighting That never really existed because you're really all The same people who should love one another And get along, right? Anyways, Beatles album Bill, dear Billy 100.7 FM A buddy of mine recently got

In an argument over which Has, which has Beatles album? Do you guys even reread what the fuck He wrote? A buddy of mine recently got in an argument over which Beatles album is probably Your favorite, real Intellectual stuff going on over here

He's making fun of himself I'm saying it's Let It Be Or the White Album He says it's Rubber Soul Oh, come on man, how do you pick a favorite Beatles album? I mean, I definitely like their Shit after

You know, they weren't clean cut Just singing like You know I hate that shit She loves you, yeah, yeah Hate that shit But when they grew out their hair and started doing drugs I love all of that shit

But it's been so long Since I've listened to them I'll have to get back to you on that one What's amazing about Beatles music is they Is the shit that they talk about It's still fucking timeless What's that one say? I'm looking through you Where did you go?

I thought I knew you What did I know? You don't look different But things have changed I'm looking through you You're not the same, right? That's just classic When you're in a fucking relationship when you're young

And you think you're really into this person Then just one day The way they answer the phone They just do something and you're just like Ugh And you're just like, this isn't You think they changed Learning more about the person

And you realize this isn't What I thought it was going to be Kind of like my house So I like that one I also obviously like the white album I love Let It Be I mean, Sergeant Peppermint, come on And then you got Revolver

I like all of those You know what's funny? It's been so long Since those albums come out That there's a lot of young people that think the Beatles Actually aren't, they're overrated Or they stink And That's just because all that fucking music

Has come out since then that's completely ripped them off It's kind of like the Richard Pryor thing Where How fucking brilliant he was And then after like the fifth Or sixth season of Def Jam comedy Where everybody was doing those White people do this, black people do that shit

And it was just to turn From Richard Pryor's specific white guy That he was doing to just that generic Oh, I gotta go do my taxes It just Kind of Took away some of the shit that he was doing The only way to try to, because there's no way to go back in time

The only way to try to like Get yourself in that headspace Look at like a top 100 And see what else was in the top 10 And listen to that shit versus the Beatles album I guess that's the closest thing I would say I don't know, who knows

Alright, Bill, I'm a female and I love your comedy Oh my god, ding ding ding ding, we have a winner Well, I'm gonna be cliche And start by telling you what a huge fan I am Ah, yeah, but thank you, thank you so much I have so many female friends That are the epitome of what you say about them No day off for their man

Or constantly want to fix or change them I've always been pretty mellow My husband says, I am a dude Trapped in a girl's body I'm sure he might be exaggerating a bit But it makes me smile to know he thinks that I'm cool Oh yeah, that's one of the best compliments you can get If a guy, if you're

Your boyfriend or husband or whatever Thinks you're cool Um, and I know I'm not trying to be a fucking sexist cunt here Like, oh, you should be, oh wow, oh, I'm so Flattered that you fucking gave me that compliment Alright, don't get your tits in an uproar here I'm just saying, if

The guy in your life, actually If you're fun to hang out with, that's a very rare thing Because usually we're trying to get away from you Um, anyways She says, I'm rambling Now, you know for sure I'm a woman Uh, she goes, I spoke I saw this quote from a movie

And wanted to share it with you Do not try to change him That's why so many marriages fail Before he removes the wedding veil The wife starts to change the husband's happiness His thoughts, his friends And when she's brainwashed him And remothered him completely

She wonders what happened to the man That fascinated her The one she fell in love with Just a thought, uh, just thought you would enjoy that And hopefully one of these days Will be able to see you live You were on our bucket list Joking, uh, thanks for your time

Faithful fan, note These two emails deal with the same situation Might want to read both together and give one answer Oh, that's from, uh, my guy here Alright, well I'll read them both together then How to change gears with a lady Hey, Bill I've been away from home for nine months

And whenever I get a little blue Missing friends and family from back home I just toss in your pa, ah, god Enough with the compliments, no one, I appreciate them But, uh, people just want to hear the question here I was hoping you could give me some advice I'm living in a little house In Indonesia with a lady

Who I've been best friends with for six years We're staying here for the next month I hadn't seen this girl in over a year Before we met up a few days ago Problem is, in the last couple of days I've totally fallen for her Oh, Jesus, I'm not sure why I never felt this way about her until now

Probably because you're in fucking Indonesia You know That's probably, we're probably In the middle of fucking nowhere And this is your only option You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen We've always made each other laugh And always loved the same things

What am I going to do here? I'm just going to let it ring Who answers their home phone anymore? Hi, my name is Burt Lunderquist And I'm running for fucking state cunt Whatever the fuck it is We've always made each other laugh And always loved the same things

But we never, we just never went Beyond a friendship Now, I'm really jealous When I see her around other guys So here's my big idea I was thinking about asking her out on a date Why don't I have the default ringer At like two rings?

Because I never do anything To make my life easy One more And that should be it Dude, I fucked Ah, you cunt! Anyway, he goes, I know it's weird Because we're sharing a house

And we know each other so well But I thought it would be better To just say Do you want to go on a date with me And then offer to take her out for dinner Are you fucking serious? And to see a band Oh my god, who is on the other end

That isn't hanging up yet? I'm going to pick that up and it's going to go seven days I'm not picking up Ah, thank Christ Alright We know each other so well But I thought it would be better to just say Do you want to go on a date with me

And then offer to take her out for dinner And to see a band Like I would if this was someone I just met Rather than make some heavy confession about my feelings That way it's more of a fun thing We could try, we could try Rather, that's more of a fun thing we could try Rather than some big serious decision she has to make

I thought if she Was a bit reluctant, I might try saying That a friendship is strong enough to survive One bad date Dude, I think you're killing it right now I would have never thought to do that I would have been like, tell her how you feel No, fuck that, I like what you're doing

I like it way better So am I a moron for thinking this? Absolutely not Is this just going to make our Month together In this place awkward and potentially ruin the trip Should I just keep my mouth shut And try to enjoy the fact that this Amazing woman is my friend

Thanks in advance Bill, you're one of a kind I know that I'm trying to ask Listen I think you should do exactly what you want to do Who knows, maybe these feelings are real Maybe they're not and you know You wouldn't be a man if you didn't ruin a friendship With your dick

Everybody does it Now I don't know how that tied into the one above here But I think you're killing it But as far as that quote That that woman said Yeah, I would agree with that But I also think guys do the same thing Guys do the same

You know what else happens I think in a relationship Is you get so comfortable If you forget to keep yourself looking good around each other You know what I mean Is there anything fucking worse Than when you're in a relationship And your girlfriend is just comfortable Coming out just dressed like shit

I'm not saying that she always has to get fucking Dolled up but you know It's the end of the night, we're going to go watch A fucking movie You know How long does it take to put on some fucking Cute little pajama Fucking half little hoary halter top

Kind of thing, you can't do that It takes two seconds, put your hair in a fucking ponytail Bang bang boom You come out, you make me feel like Yeah, alright I made a good choice here You know, you come out and you're fucking You know

In that goddamn fat suit All that sweatpants and hoodie Toes all fucked up I mean, it's just It's awful, and then the same thing goes for the guys You know what I mean All of a sudden you get a woman You start eating fucking mozzarella sticks

And all that shit, you're coming out there with your wife Beater and your mantits hanging out the fucking side Like John Bonham Towards the end of his career That awful fucking picture when he's sitting down This is a critical thing When you're fat standing up to Alright

The last thing you need to do is fucking Sit down with a wife beater on Cause then it's just the roles So they don't want to see that either That's the thing as a guy man You know, keep yourself in good shape Shower And all that type of shit

Just try to keep doing that throughout the fucking relationship Coming out all fucking Scruffy and bleary eyed You know, working on a pair of mantits Women don't want to look at that Same way we don't want to look at them looking all fucked up So there you go Don't take the person you're with for granted

Alright, look at me Just telling everybody what the fuck to do Alright, last one I got to do and then I got to I got to go to work Alright Hey contraceptive pill, Bill I'm coming to the end of my high school life With just a few weeks to go

One girl I've been waiting to ask out for a while Well don't wait any longer She's hot Smart, funny, witty You fucking get it But she's in a different social group to me And I just know how I I just don't know how I should go about asking her out

Since we spent most of the past two years Taking the same classes yet I barely talked to her How would you go about talking to this girl That you have spent a lot of time around Around you You both Know each other but you kept clear of I feel like if I don't make a move

I'll regret not doing it for the rest of my life Since she seems like she would be an ideal girlfriend A response would be great Love the podcast, go fuck yourself And get your alabaster ass down to Australia soon Please What we should do, you should just go fucking ask her out Cause here's the thing

Nothing bad will come of that Okay, you won't have regret You'll fucking Get over a fear You'll help you further down the line And even if this woman says no now Who knows? Four or five years Later you run into her

And she remembered that you liked her You already broke down that fucking door You might bang her Or go out with her and fall in love with her After your 50th fucking high school reunion So this is what you do This is what I wish I did This is what you do right here

Ask her out, she says no Just ask a bunch of them out You fucking lay the groundwork You're like a salesman You're making pussy cold calls here right now For the rest of your high school career And then you hit every fucking reunion And you show up with a goddamn

Some sunglasses And a fucking white scarf Wrapped around your fucking neck like a hero And I'm telling you, you'll be fucking pulling pussy Out of there like those fucking Japanese guys clubbing those fucking dolphins to death It's a bad reference But you know what I mean

You should absolutely 100% ask her out Or whatever, just walking up to her She knows your fucking name She'll say hello back And just say listen I've kind of been staring at your tits But you don't say that whatever Just ask her out

Just fucking ask her out Nothing bad will come Even if she says no She might say to her friends And one of them is going to respect it And be like I didn't know he had that in him Maybe one of them gets a little insecure What, he doesn't like my rock and fucking hoo-ha

And next thing you know you got that coming down the pike Okay You got to get on the phone You got to make your calls in the morning Or you don't get any sales at night Alright, that's the fucking part That's the podcast for this week everybody Go fuck yourselves

My prediction For the Patriots Jets If it's at the Patriots I say we win If it's at the Jets I don't know But I think it's going to be a close game Despite the fact that the Jets

Allegedly suck in all of this shit This is the classic game Where gamblers fall into just looking at the numbers And looking at the records And all of that shit And What you have to understand is every week What blows up your parlay

There's always that game where something happens It makes no fucking sense Alright The old chaos theory Like Jurassic fucking park there The Jets always play as tough If we go in there And we kick the shit out of them

Then they truly are a tough fucking team Um I don't know I don't have faith in the Patriots I just feel like Tom Brady's been on his back Even yesterday, I was on his fucking back More than I've seen He's been on his back more this fucking season

I still think we're working that out And Ridley went down and Mayo went down And I don't think obviously they're going to be back For the Thursday game I haven't looked at the sports page yet to see how bad it is So that's a huge blow to our defense And our running game So we got a lot closer

To the fucking Jets Take that with a grain of salt Because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about That's the podcast, go fuck yourselves We'll talk to you next week