Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-14-13

Episode Date: October 15, 2013

Bill rambles about Christopher Columbus, Steroids and hitting on your male boss.

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How are you? Is everything okay in your neck of the woods? I know what you're thinking right off the bat Jesus built, this podcast is even later than it usually is Well, I would counter Okay, I would counter that verbal assault by saying Well, didn't you have the fucking day off today? Well, did you? Well, great, because I did too

I don't know why Oh, it's Columbus Day Right? Columbus Day, it's Columbus Day He came over here, there was already people He cut off their fucking hands because they couldn't find gold And we celebrate him because he was kind of white Even though I think he was from Spain

And if he came to Boston and tried to get a job He'd be really fucked with most of the people he'd interview with Um, let's go So, yeah, today's Columbus Day Christopher Columbus Sorry, I went to the Bruins today, I had a couple of beers Alright, so deal with me Christopher fucking cake

Chrissy, get on the fucking boat Do the job we paid you for Christopher Columbus Alright Discovered America, for all you people Who have never picked up a history book In 1492, he sailed the ocean blue He thought he was going to the West Indies

This is like, there once was a man from Nantucket There once was a man from Spain Uh, who had, in his balls, a pain He couldn't get laid He tried every day, so he said, fuck it, I'm gonna sail So I have something to talk about I don't know, guys, this is funny to me And I'm buzzing pretty fucking good

And I really don't give a shit I do give a shit, I care, I care about you And how did you enjoy Columbus Day? What did you do? Did you put on like a fucking George Washington wig And stand on the neck of the Tannis person that you know In celebration of all the great things he did? I've always had difficulty once I got past a certain age

With the fact that that guy, they said he discovered He discovered, like, he discovered it for Europe He didn't discover it, there was already people here You know what I mean? Just sitting here, living off the land You know, little mudflap over their junk Using up every bit of the animal They did nothing wrong

That's the overcorrection of Native Americans Where they've now become, like, these god-like people Where none of them were bad, you know None of them would have fucked you out of your 401k money Had they understood what a 401k was And could tie a tie, you know what I mean? I mean, people are people Let's get down to brass tacks here, people

All right? Just because you're sitting there flossing with a fucking bison tendon Doesn't mean that, you know, if you had a car You wouldn't get a little grabby on the first date All right? Okay, and if you can't do the math on that, then I can't help you Um, yeah, it's Christopher Columbus Day Uh, Mary Govis Spucci

Remember all that fucking awful history stuff? You're sitting there with half a fucking erection Looking at some chick next to you And there's some guy in a goddamn tweed coat Talking about, uh, Vinnie Del Negro What was the other... What was the other guy? The other world explorer

It was a Mary Govis Spucci It was Christopher Columbus And then there was a guy who had, like, a Vinnie Del Negro name But it wasn't Vinnie Del Negro But that's in my head, so I'll never be able to think of it What the fuck was it? Was it Marcus de Lafayette? Was that him?

He wasn't the traitor in the Revolutionary War That was Benedict Arnold Marcus de Lafayette, did he start Marquette University? He did something He wasn't with Lewis and Clark I don't fucking know You know what's funny? It's just all the shit that was done to create this country

And they kind of boil it down to, like, 14 people These guys sailed up a river This guy found it This guy said, I can't tell a lie And, uh, the other guy said, hey Why don't you lay off the black people for a minute? You know? And that's pretty much the first 200 years of history

In this country, as far as I can tell You know? And for all you Europeans listening And all you Australians, that doesn't mean your country's better All right? So fuck you and your fish and chips And your Vegemite sandwiches Because nobody gives a shit, all right?

You're just as filthy as we are Which brings me to a wonderful fucking conversation That I had with, uh, Paul Verzi Paul Verzi, right? So neither one of us has watched baseball in a while I stopped in 2010 when Poppy tested for some substance And they never said what it was And at that point, pretty much everybody from the 0-4 series

Like five guys on both teams had tested positive or whatever So it was kind of fair, I guess I roided up guys, beat you, I roided up guys But it was just getting annoying And I'm not saying Poppy was doing any shit But that was just one of those things where I was like, listen I've watched enough fucking train wrecks I don't want to watch this one

Either get it out of the game Or do what you know you're gonna do in the long haul Which is you're gonna make the shit legal All right? I love how a football player Who is running around tackling people at the NFL level Which is basically like getting into a fucking car accident You know, not a major one

But a pretty significant one You gotta exchange, you know, insurance cards Like every other fucking play He can't do roids But a fucking, some singer Can't get on stage being like La-ba-la-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-wa-wa They can't fucking do that

Then it's okay for them to give roids To get some roids Right in their old fucking voice box Look up at the ceiling there Fucking, uh, Vladimir Whatever the fuck your name is Fatty with the beard What is that guy's name?

He was the guy who was part of the three tenors You know? He looked like Franco Harris If he was white What the fuck is that guy's name? And he was bald Jesus Christ It's like, anybody knows

Like, y'all, everybody knows one opera singer And this is the guy Right? Whatever, that fucking guy I don't even know how I got onto that shit What the fuck was I talking about? I was talking about Verzi Alright?

So me and Verzi have not watched Oh, so much steroids Before I was talking about Verzi Steroids, yeah That fucking synogenic shit That you watch late at night Where they show some old guy With his gut hanging out

Right? He's got a tattoo of Rosie the Riveter Right above where his fucking spleen used to be And he's just done He's got creases in his torso That it doesn't even make sense It's not even like fat creases It means like organs have been removed

And there's a space there now They can only be filled up with the flesh On the outside of your torso What are those kinds of creases? Okay? And then by the end of the commercial That guy standing there Looking like fucking Gronkowski

And he's hanging out with some fucking 35-year-old chick who wasn't raised, right? Clearly her dad took off So now she has the big, strong father figure That she always wanted And I'm sitting there going, well, Jesus Christ I thought P90X was impressive That was getting people in their

20s, 30s, and 40s in shape What the fuck is this shit? And I went up, I went on the internet The old interweb, as they call it On my favorite fucking show on TV Fast and loud I went on the interweb And I looked it up to see what this shit was

And it's HGH That's what they're doing And they're going like, with our system As far as my research goes Before I get in trouble here As far as my research According to my research Which was basically, I looked up

Cinegenics scam question mark And the first thing came up was That they were giving these people Human growth hormone Well, obviously Human growth hormone And then you give them a fucking Handful of Viagra

They go out and they hit the clubs Right? Go over to the fucking jukebox They put on a little fucking Glenn Miller Glenn Miller Little moonlight serenade And next thing you know Some fucking broad from this generation

With their glow sticks And too many tattoos And their giant fucking ear lobes That you could stick a pool cue through Alright? Next thing you know She's dropped to her fucking dubstep knees And she's blowing a veteran of the Korean War

That's how it goes down Okay? And that right there people Is the upside of steroids You know? Look at all these fucking ladies When you're watching the real housewives Those aren't real housewives

Those are a higher breed Of housewife Okay? I'm just loving all the women right now Oh my god, how could you say that? I'll tell you why Because this is the deal They had children and they're still

Despite the limits of modern day science Is they're still trying to look like a hot piece of ass Now, they're not doing it But I'm telling you right now Just like that guy that you love That goes into the corner Right? That guy that little fucking return punts

The fucking wedge breaker The guy who's all fucking hard That's the female version of the wedge breaker Right there It's those broads On the fucking real housewives Looking fuckable into your fifties God bless you

Making people do double takes like Is that 20? Oh wait a minute, no No, she's 55 Gross But there is that moment You know what I mean? You gotta give it up to them

I don't even know what I'm talking about I'm a couple of loggers in I went to the Bruins game today I had no fucking intentions of going Wait, stay on Stay on target I'll get to the Bruins game in a fucking second So Verzi last night

You know, I'm the biggest You couldn't be more of a bandwagon Red Sox fan this year Unless you started after game three Of the Tampa Bay series The first two games Red Sox games I watched this year Was game one and game two

Of the Tampa Bay playoffs And then I missed the rest of the series I travel You know what I mean? I'm into Lego collectibles I have a schedule Is there such a thing? Anyways

And I've watched the first two games Of this Tiger City series And it is an instant fucking classic If you guys are like me And you went away from the game For a couple of years This is a great one Great one to come back to

The first one was an absolute gem One nothing game It was one of those deals Where the Tigers won one nothing And I felt like we lost like eight nothing I mean they were just fucking mowing us down Alright? Huge loss

Huge loss So now they got the fucking upper hand In the city So now in the series Why do I keep saying city? I don't know Probably because you were drinking but hard Now I'm like they automatically have

The upper hand in the series right now We have to win game two Look what the fuck they did So then they got this other psycho I don't know anybody's names And I got other than Cabrera Because he won the triple crown And I got to tell you something right now

The athletic gifts that that man was given That he can be in the fucking horrific shape That he's in and still win the triple crown He is in Jodorosa shape Okay? When I look at Jodorosa When I bite into a York peppermint patty When I look at Jodorosa

I look at a man Who has never done a push up In his life other than After he's been drunk And he fell down and did a face plant And even then it's a girl push up Right? With his fucking corduroy knees

In the grass And if he's on a fucking hill That favors him If he's facing up the hill He can actually get his horrific Fucking Example of a torso Up off of that grass

Why am I trashin' Joe? He's not here to defend himself Ah, Jesus, Joe Did somebody fucking send this to you? Because they're miserable? Yeah, that Cabrera guy Jesus, what a fucking awful Horrible

He looks like he should be sellin' like concessions And he's eatin' him too He's just got a puffy face He's got a flabby neck And it's like he's not fat He's not in shape He's just sort of fuck You know, he runs around

But when he's done He's eatin' like a fuckin' bowl of mint chocolate chip You know what it reminds me of? Like Warren Sapp Whenever I used to watch Warren Sapp play I just used to remember Like what would happen if this guy Actually fucking worked out?

What if he actually worked out? Warren Sapp was in worse shape Than most of the people in the stands That were watchin' him Just, you know, to look at him I used to always think I used to I thought, I was like Towards the end of his career

One of these years He's gonna say fuck it And he's gonna come in with a flat stomach And he's gonna reach like Reggie White level defensive end And he never did it He never did it So anyway, so Verzi

I text him I'm in Boston, right? And I'm watchin' the fuckin' Red Sox game And he puts him on And you have to understand Red Sox, Yankee, Hatred Is Paul has even watched the game In, I don't know, a couple of years, right?

The second? I don't think he was watching the game For more than three seconds And he just starts sending me Tweet after fuckin' tweet About how awful the fuckin' Red Sox Beards are He just, he was beside himself

He thought it was a disgrace to the game The reality is he just, he hates the fuckin' Reds I mean, I don't like their beards either But like, let's see here Let me read some of this shit Umm Where the fuck is it? Ah, shit, this, oh, load earlier messages

Dude, we were texting so much during the game I had to go all the way You don't have the success to take the slot What the fuck is this? Where the hell is it? Let me get to the top up here I'm sorry guys, I'm the worst Oh, this is me talkin' about Paul and the mob You get whacked for running your mouth

Where the fuck is it? Is it even gonna be worth it at this point? Jesus Christ, Bill Load earlier messages Here we go Alright, where the fuck am I? Okay, this is what Verzi writes He says, I just turned it on

Cause I said, Poppy Grand Slam tie game Oh, by the way Oh, like, not a bunch of tiger fans But about a half dozen of them were just trashing me Just saying the series over Better luck next year Red sucks When they were up 5-0 in game 2

About, you know, 7 innings in And all I just kept thinking in my head is like, dude Have you ever watched a baseball game before? It's not like they were running out of time As long as there's no outs It goes on forever It's like that George Carlin bit There's plenty of fucking time

So anyways, long story short, they fucking load them up And Poppy hits a grand slam To tie the game, so I write Poppy Grand Slam tie game Verzi writes, I just turned it on Exclamation point, and I was thinking Like, wow, he's gonna be like, alright, awesome game Immediately, his first sentence

Dude, the socks beards are so fucking stupid They, the whole anti-Yankee Facial hair Is so douchey They look ridiculous, grow up babies LOL And then we just start going back and forth He said, you guys look like

Lumberjack morons You're baseball players, the worst And I just keep going like Oh, you know Where did Derek Jeter watch the game tonight? And of course, he's like On fucking Miss Universe's pussy I'm like, isn't he like 38 at this point?

It's starting to get creepy, isn't it? He really is like some zillionaire guy Still going to fucking Hooters That's just jealousy in my part Anyway, so we just start fucking Giving each other shit The fuck was my point to this Dude, half your team looks like

They're in a fucking Halloween costume It's embarrassing And then I wrote back, not as embarrassing It's missing the playoffs Uh, what would you do If a comedy club had a no-facial Hair policy He writes back, too shaved

But we don't look like assholes I'd be working, still working stand-up I don't know what the fuck this is I can't get into this because I started saying What comedians would actually be Would play for the Yankees Versus the one for the Red Sox Just to give you a hint, the Red Sox had Sam Kiddison

And all the badass ones And the Yankees had all the fucking Clean cut I don't know, you know the deal I know the podcast just went off the fucking rails Give me a break, okay? I went by the head of steam Okay, what are you gonna do? But I gotta tell you something

They were in the 70s when they all looked like They were gonna go shoot a fucking porno And then out of nowhere, they started taking on This fucking holier-than-thou Like Notre Dame horseshit You know We were clean shaven And Verzi's going, yeah, they look like gentlemen

It's like Paul They're a bunch of roided up cunts Just like everybody else Just cause they look like they're gonna deliver A fucking newspaper to you All of a sudden that makes them better I like that the Red Sox look like the Moon Dogs You know, for you old fucking wrestling fans

I don't give a shit Just as long as It's gonna be a great series, I think it's going seven And I'm actually a big fan of the Tigers and that type of stuff I had family that grew up in Michigan So I like the Tigers I got no beef with those guys

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Um, alright Back to the podcast here Oh, you know what's fucking hilarious to me I gotta do a Paul Verzi here and say Dude, I called it because I did call it Alright Where the hell's Mike Fucking god damn

Nah, this is the worst I am the absolute worst, there it is Weeks ago When I first started making front of Seattle The Seattle Seahawks going for the loudest record Just to give you a recap I basically said well hey When you haven't won a championship

You have to hang your hat on something And if you get this record Are you gonna start singing we are the loudest My friends and we'll keep on screaming Until we lose that bullshit And I said You can go back, it's documented on my podcast I said

That Seattle Seahawks fans were not that loud That it was the building They're not good fans, but they're not as fucking loud As everyone's making them out to be You go to the game and it's so fucking loud You're looking around And you're looking at people while they're cheering And you're like that face

Does not add up to this loud Are they piping noise in? And it turns out their owner Had built a stadium Specifically designed to contain the noise So it's like a crowd On fucking HGH They're a bunch of cheaters

Jason Giambi's of crowds And from day fucking one When I broke their balls about it I said I went to a Kansas City Chiefs game And those fuckers Were louder than the ones in Seattle And they, this weekend Broke the record for the loudest crowd

Which is the dumbest fucking record ever Um The loudest crowd And they did it in a stadium That was built when we still thought The Vietnam War was winnable Right? So it's not even like they just beat Seattle

They destroyed them Okay? So now I have a new song For the Seattle Seahawks fans Out of respect for them And they're one week of holding the title They held the title for one week Kind of like when the heavyweight champion gets arrested

Or refuses to go to war And they just strip him of his title And they give it to some fucking peluca And he has it for one week until he gets knocked out That's what happened to them So here's their new song We were the loudest For one week

Do do do do And then A bunch of red cuts In Kansas City Boo boo boo boo Screamed a little louder Hey, you know what's funny I don't have a fucking song for it

You know what's fucking hilarious Is Kansas City at least has won a Super Bowl everybody Come on, they were still in the AFL Boo boo boo boo Boo boo boo boo Super Bowl 4, Lenny Dawson 63, Toss Power Trap Whatever the fuck it was

Hank Stram with that rolled up thing And the fucking hairpiece walking up and down chewing his gum That was when the Vikings The original Buffalo Bills lost their first Of soon to be four Super Bowls Inexplicably They had Fran Tarkington, they had the purple people They had the Bears, they had Paul Krauss

They had fucking Chuck Forman They had Freddie Cox kicking the goddamn ball And nothing happened Hey, you know I mentioned earlier That, so see how I'm just breaking your fucking balls Alright, so You know, don't cry in the rain And blow your fucking brains out

Like that guy did Okay And then his stripper wife read his fucking suicide note To anyone who would want to listen Which was arguably The greatest example Of stealing someone else's thunder I've ever seen You know

How do you blow your own head off And not get top billing It's just fucking insane I'll tell you how, somebody comes in and reads your suicide note And is emoting about how Devastated they are You know It's like it wasn't your day lady

It was what's left of that guy up there In the fucking attic Alright, that seemed really insensitive But I am a fan of all of the people mentioned Listen Sometimes I hurt feelings on this podcast But what I'm going for is

I'm trying to streamline What it is that I say And sometimes I don't have time for names And sometimes I don't have time for feelings Okay, but that doesn't mean That I'm not a fan Of where ever you do

Okay, and if you can't do the math On that, then I really can't help you I mentioned earlier That I am a big fan of fast and loud That's like my favorite Fucking TV show now that Breaking Bad is over I absolutely fucking love that show

I love cars I love watching people that know how to fix them up But the funniest fucking thing ever Is watching the dude Richard Rawlings Watching him Bus these people down on cars Is the funniest fucking shit I mean dude

He beats the shit out of them I don't think I I don't remember Laughing as much as I Laugh when I watch that show He fucking destroys them He'll go out there right It's always the same shit

Somebody's got a Thunderbird They got a Corvette They got some Mopar thing or whatever And he comes walking out He's always complimentary of the car So he gets people excited Like they gotta make a sale They just don't realize

How much lower it's gonna be So he always comes in And he goes wow man look at this It's a 6068 Wow it sits right Body straight everything's cool Blah blah blah blah blah And then he always looks at it and he just goes

So What were you thinking And then the owner's always like I mean I don't know I was thinking I was thinking like 30 And then Richard I don't give a fuck what they say He always just goes like oh man

I can't do 30 I drove all the way out here I gotta tow it back I can't do 30 right So then the person who owns the car always says the same shit Well what Come my way a little bit What were you thinking

His hands in his pocket And he acts like he's thinking about it But you know he isn't He knew what the fuck he was offering the second he walked into the barn And he'll say like I was thinking Like Like 12 Dude they go from 30

He takes them down to 12 So these guys like oh man I can't do 12 Come on man I can't do that I can't do that And then they always come down quick So how about like 24 Can you do 24

And then he comes back like man I can do like 13 And he's just inching up and then dropping Like a fucking elevator that got its cables cut My favorite one I ever saw Was he went in and bought Like this 62 Corvette off these These people right

And he was sitting in this fucking Damp warehouse Spooky looking fucking saw Kind of place That fucking thing The guy wanted 30 grand for it And he busted them down to 18 5

So he brings the fucking thing back I mean it's a Corvette so you can't see any rust Because it's a fiberglass body But when they look underneath it It's just rusted out To the point of like dude I don't Why did we pick this car up

But as luck would have it The guy who sold them the car That car was supposed to be for us So they go down to the gas Monkey garage to buy this fucking car back Alright So Richard's psyched He hasn't had to do anything for it

He paid 18.5 for it You know busted the guy down from 30 So the guy's own family members His nephew and his brother Come in to buy the car back They tell him the whole fucking story And Richard's like yeah cool man You can buy it back and they were like so

What were you thinking And he goes you know I was thinking like 30 After Busted the guy from 30 down to 18 5 he goes right back to that guy's price So the cousin And the fucking uncle

They're like hey stupid You bought the car from my brother We know what you paid for It's the only time I've ever seen him getting embarrassed He's like oh I'm sorry man that's just what we do here 22 and he ended up selling it For fucking 20 grand I don't know

I probably just butchered all that But fast and loud you gotta check it out I like it Because they build cars that I feel like I could afford they don't have like that Meekums shit Where everything's six figures They build like a badass car for like

25 30 grand After they paid like 10 grand for it And redid everything I really like that show So Shout out to anybody who's on that show That listens to this podcast I fucking love it Anyways what are we up to here What am I talking about

What am I looking at here I am 31 minutes in Was there anything else I wanted to talk about How about the Patriots I watched that game On the flight That was unbelievable the last Two touchdowns in that game Where you couldn't find a better

Example Of Worst defense I've ever seen in my fucking life Patriots had double coverage Got the safety coming over the top Our cornerback's in position To swat down the ball and he swings at it

Like a fucking change up and it goes Right by him and the guy scores For a fucking touchdown Brutal And then what a Brady threw an interception And we went down the field and the fucking Turn around do the exact same thing in single coverage It was like neither team wanted to win the game

But I want to chastise All those fucking Patriots fans That left That fucking left Like half the stadium looked like it left And I know a lot of people like Patriots fans suck it's like fuck you Your fans suck too half of your fans

Suck that's what you have to understand About any arena you go to The only reason why it is The size that it is Is it's because someday you're going to Make a run at the title And they're going to need all those extra seats Alright

But the reality is Is when the team starts shitting the bed Half the people leave so those stadiums only need Like Patriots stadium really only needs to hold 30,000 people You know if you had to sign an agreement that I don't give a fuck if they're 14 and 2 Or 2 and 14 I'm coming to the games

You know I don't think it needs to be 30,000 So I love that Those fuckers left and they have to go to work tomorrow And lie and say that they were there The Red Sox were great Most of the people stayed A couple 2 or 3 people I saw leave Saw a couple empty seats but everybody stayed

It was just a great fucking weekend and I went to the Bruins game today I was actually walking Over to the The garden and I was just going to buy a hat And All of a sudden here guys who needs tickets Who needs tickets I knew they were playing the Red Wings but I thought it was in

Detroit and I said fucking I'll go to the goddamn game So I go into the game I'm like not going to drink Drink a little water come back to the fucking Podcast and what happens Between the fucking 1st and 2nd 2nd and 3rd period I run into An old drinking buddy of mine from back in the day

The high school days Pick up right where we left off I'll have one You know fucking 3 beers later here we are So my apologies for being late And congratulations to the Red Wings It wasn't the greatest of fucking games Matinee games usually

Suck You know there's usually an extra Sort of like Mascot presence because there's so many Kids there They usually don't fight you know which makes Sense right? I want to ask you guys When was the last time you got into a fist fight

At like 2 o'clock in the afternoon doesn't happen Fist fights happen at night I don't know why they just do It feels right Alright is that it? Is that all I have to talk about Before I get into the letters Chief Seattle

Fast and loud, Red Sox, Patri Spruins Oh the half marathon I just make little notes here Shit to talk about I was fucking walking through The Boston Commons Walking through the pack And they were having this half marathon And all it was was fucking ladies

And Fucking women look phenomenal They were crushing it right Running down the street zero fucking body fat But still had booties on them I was loving every fucking second of it right Objectifying them as they tried To have a nice day of exercise

So as I get closer to the finish line There's some woman On the mic and it's I don't know Like she was just being so Overly positive it was annoying The shit out of me She was announcing every woman That crossed the finish line

I get announcing like the fucking Top 10, 15, 20 But it took me like 20 minutes To walk through the park from one side To the other side up by the state house And all I hear the whole time And you know Marissa Clifford from

Adalboro She's just yelling everybody's name Abigail Twitzel Nitzel from Marblehead Today is your day That's what she said about one of them Today is your day and I want to be like She fucking came in like 70th

It's not her day It's not nearly her day she used to Fucking go home and look at some Game film. It's not her fucking day It's not her day by a long shot She's a coach she's fired the first Third of that race Bringing in an interim runner

Today's your fucking day It's fucking ridiculous. You know I get it Guys run the world We're a bunch of dicks. We don't give you your fucking do So, but I got to tell you There is a way of over correcting to the point Where all you're doing is making everybody there soft But I got to tell you

Those women run on the races They probably didn't like that either They probably didn't like it either You know what I mean? They're all fucking athletes Are you an athlete if you're a runner? Okay you just put up with a lot of shit I'll tell you what I like About my girl man

She's got endurance. I came home And bitched about my job for four hours Last night she never complained I know I was just one of those moments where I was just sitting there Listening to this fucking woman screaming Out all these women's names You know Betty

Fucking whoever Congratulations I don't understand You would think that all of them Had a regional fucking running thing And now they were showing up hyping the race They were gonna run rather than that person She just mentioned came in 47th

Bill you know what The holidays are coming up Why don't you put a fucking red nose on And fucking take the cut down a little bit Alright you might be right Okay So anyways, Kansas City Is officially the loudest crowd

And at the end of the day I think it's funny because I was trash in Seattle Fuck Okay Kansas City wants what Seattle wants What the Patriots wants What everybody fucking wants You want the Super Bowl title

You'll be the loudest That's stupid The Seattle fans are the fucking worst The way you guys so quickly Came back to that odor that fucked you over So bad on the tall boy beers That were just as big as the small ones What a shame

And he buys you back because he fucking calls you 12th man and waves a fucking flag You know something Seattle I thought you were Badder than that Then it hurts me to say that I guess I was wrong Uh I got the amount of people that are actually Gonna take that seriously

Okay Follow up to bully Alright I guess this is one If you can tell I've been going down Coming down with a little bit of a cold here That's what happens when you drink like 12 nights in a row You know it's not really the alcohol It's the being out till 4 in the morning

Without a hat on Uh follow up to bully Hey there Billy Redface This is a follow up to the email I sent about getting picked on This was the big dude right The big dude at school who could do something He's at the dojo and all that type of shit

But didn't want to do something because he didn't want to Disappoint his senseis If I'm using the right karate lingo If I'm not I mean I my apologies Anyways he said it went a lot better Than I expected Oh to give you a recap this guy was like A big guy and there was some fucking

Short of fat kid that was always coming up Slapping him in the head at school And this guy seems like he's Studying at least two if not three Different martial arts disciplines And if he wanted to Okay You know

That shit that they do I don't even know what they do You feel the heat of their foot next to your Ear And then you know you wake up Your computer watching the youtube video Whatever the fuck just happened to you He could basically do that but he didn't Because he didn't want to disappoint

His martial arts teachers Alright here we go He said it went a lot better than I expected I told one of my martial arts teachers And he basically gave me a green light To whoop this kid But not too bad no broken bones Except maybe the nose

This guy this guy's old school He said I walked into the locker room And he greeted me with hey faggot fuck I replied with I hear your Birthdays coming up what's your cup size He got pretty mad And said what'd you fucking say I said your cup size

You fat fuck what is it I love it did you see the fucking bitch And I'm coming out He said he walked at me and swung a hay maker I took it on the chin Jesus Christ you didn't slip He said I beat the shit out of this kid Well it's good because he took a swing first

Very nice Goes I need him in the belly twice Once to the head I kicked him in the thigh Oh that's the one he's going to feel tomorrow Oh that one's going to bruise And he goes and he went down I finished with a few punches to the head

I got suspended for two days After they heard he was picking on me I think it's safe to say He won't be picking on anyone else anymore Have a great day and please say Fuck Kyle That's an inside joke with one of my friends Alright dude good for you

Good for you and you know something Good for your teacher you know what I mean Can't always be holding people up at third base Every once in a while you gotta wave them around Here comes the throw at the plate Right good for you I was going to say I wish I could watch the video of it

But you'd get in trouble for it so By the way I'm drinking water That annoying sound is ice water I'm not still drinking on this thing Alright here's a new topic That hasn't come up Which I wish it would come up more often Lesbian love

Dear Dr. Burr I have a bit of a girl dilemma here I'm a 26 year old dude Living in Connecticut Fuck Hartford Or you're in Hartford you hate it He said I met a girl Oh wait a minute if this is coming from a guy

All I see is threesome On the horizon Alright Please let this go the way I want it to go Said I met a girl through a friend Of a friend and we became great friends She lives out of state But we still keep in touch and communicate with each other

Whenever we can Alright you paint with a broad brush here That could be you text every once in a while Or you're having fuck you're sexting Or fucking you know Pressing your dick up against your computer While Skyping I mean there's a lot of You know there's a lot of room for interpretation there sir

But I'll continue He says she's independent headstrong Not materialistic likes the same Shit I do and we are always In sync whenever we get together person to person Basically perfect for me And not to sound corny at some point I fell in love with her

Dude don't ever apologize for falling in love with a woman That's just some guy's shit Where you can't pretend like you want to be happy too Good for you He said but she's a lesbian And then he writes oh jesus Oh wow Dude did you know that going into it

The voice cracking did you know that going into it You didn't protect your fucking head Um What are you doing the chick thing Where you think he can change her Alright he says it's a bit of an emotional Struggle I would think so He said I've already shared my feelings

And obviously they went nowhere So now You know what I'm thinking now when you said She likes the same shit you like Yeah I can see where you guys would be on the same page Checking out the ladies So anyways he goes so now I gotta

Bottle that shit up inside It's been like that for almost a year Part of me still wants to be friends with her But the other parts of me tells me to forget about her And cut all communications off Yeah I mean or you'll just keep looking at her Going oh maybe She'll blow me today

Ain't happening He said I'd feel like a douchefuck You guys are really creating on Like Vulgarities here a douchefuck Okay that's a new one if I cut all ties And yet I know it's gonna suck for me emotional As long as I'm friends with her

Because I'll never be with her Or will this feeling go away eventually My friends keep telling me to forget about her Always be losing an awesome But I would also be losing an awesome friend too What do you think Bill should I listen to my heart Or my cock Thanks go fuck yourself truly

Let's see I would say Listen to your heart or your cock I don't know which ones to do what Your heart loves her and you also want to fuck her What you have to do is you need to do a combo Like You have a sit down with both your heart and your dick

And just be like look Alright Your dick has to know the score at this point It ain't happening Okay Your dick probably already has its fucking helmet off It's taking its tape off and all that shit but your heart You know

I don't know what your fucking heart is So listen dude I'm sorry I'm buzzed here What do I think you should do Yeah I think you should just walk away You gotta walk away And you gotta be Into

Some other chick first And then maybe you can start to be friends again But Yeah it sounds like you've been a sad puppy dog With blue balls for a year and I'd say You've I think you've done your penance You know why don't you go into the

The open lane Why don't you do that I just opened the register Can I Can I have the next customer please Go into that fucking line Alright Oh man that sucks

I feel bad for you dude What are you gonna do You know I saw the other day on the cover ESPN magazine They had one of those UFC chicks like totally naked But with their fucking God damn hands wrapped And I gotta tell you something man

I think those women are hot They are fucking hot and I think it would make you A better person if you could date If you went out with a woman that could beat the shit out of you Just because It would force you to be Smarter The reason why women are smarter than us

Is because basically speaking we can Fucking stuff them in a hamper If we want to So they have to outsmart us so it's from day one They're using their fucking brains Where we're just sitting there going You know using force There's nothing we're all fucking knees and elbows

So what would happen is You would gain the wisdom of a female By kind of being the bitch in the relationship In that you know she could Fucking slap you around Then you could learn to use tricks like guilt You know Who knows maybe she'd go out and get you a pair of shoes

Right I'm sorry So sorry That I put you in a comor I've been meaning to watch That UFC show where they have the women In the house It's hard to watch women beating the shit out of each other

There's like no way that they can hit Each other that it's fucking pleasant To see Punching them in their pretty faces or even worse When they take that fucking straight right To the left hit it's just like What are you doing You know I might be misogynistic

Here but I just look that's like for a baby Why are they punching you in one of your fucking Baby compartments I really have a moron I admit it you know whatever That's just how I look at it I'll tell you what at least I'm honest At least I'm honest that's when you know you said some ignorant shit

And half the party's walking away from you Hey I say what's on my mind I say what's up Well maybe sometimes you shouldn't Alright here we go I work in hell with no escape Hey Billy Redbeard but the pirate I'm a police officer in a town

In New Jersey where I am An 11 year veteran Alright hang in there dude You're over the hump what do you need 20 years I said keep it moving You gotta do that for another 9 years The department I work for Abuses those of us

Who have too much self-respect To kiss ass Alright now I'm not trying to be a dick sir But you've already painted yourself as the hero here Alright but I'm gonna believe you Okay I'm gonna believe that you actually do a good job And the reason why they don't like you

Is not because you're fucking being a cunt It's because you don't kiss any ass Alright I'm gonna go with that He said it's gotten so bad That they suspend and even try to fire guys Who don't bow down And kiss the ring

It's the very definition Of a hostile work environment And I'm terribly stressed out about the situation Now You may be asking yourself is it so bad Why don't you move on to another police department Thank you sir for giving me the credit For being that intelligent to have that thought

Unfortunately I didn't I was immediately thinking that you should Get together with some of your friends And become the surpre goes out there You know and maybe deep pants Your fucking CPO Whatever the fuck his name is You know start hazing him

Have a little mutiny Anyways he said well I've tried But the great fucked up state of New Jersey Has a rule that says If I transfer to another police department Both in the department I work for And the department I want to go to Have to approve and sign off on the transfer

I was this close to getting hired By another department and was denied the transfer By my current police chief Or as I call him Satan Apparently they can do that I hate stress but I have bad dreams About the place and it affects my mood When I think about it even when I'm off

My question to you is If I am stuck in the worst work environment imaginable How do I shake off the bullshit And not worry Thanks for all the laughs and I underestimated Your ticket selling ability in New Jersey I was a little late trying to get tickets to Red Bank ah you know

That's not that big a place sir I appreciate the compliment Alright Well here's the deal You can't ever let some other cunt Affect your happiness Happiness Happiness

Alright It's all going to come down To how you choose to react To what it is he's doing That's the first step Alright I mean I know this is a completely different Scenario but I remember

I used to live above this fucking angry Old man And he used to always yell at me every fucking Thing I did my old apartment you know When I drop his cell phone he'd keep it up Do it again all that shit and he yelled at Nia and all that shit so I um

I just started hitting him with positivity You know Me and Nia Just started acting like he was attractive I just walked by and be like Hey what do you say to that good looking She'd whistle at him like he was sexy And it kind of brought him around

In some weird way and I don't know if you can do that Can you do that? Can you fuck with your Superior officer like that When he comes in and he's a cunt to you And just be like hey sorry Have you been losing weight? You're really filling out That uniform quite nicely Just keep doing that uncomfortable shit

To him And then I don't know if he's Truly as bad as you say you can't tell me Some of the other guys you work with don't feel the same Fucking thing I know you have the code Of silence, the blue code Whatever the fucking is

You know But if somebody's being that much of a dick at some point I'm not saying to rat the guy out Well maybe you know Can you organize something Or is everybody's too nervous that they won't Get another stripe on their fucking costume Is that what it is

I don't fucking know You know what it is? I can just tell you I don't know what to tell you He's got a goddamn gun I would just start sending him flowers And chocolates Like this positive Way just

Annoy the shit out of him You know I'd leave him little love letters On his car I would just start fucking with him Just to give yourself something That is he's being a cunt to you You know that he's going to go out there

And Read you know his secret male admirer Love letter, just something Something to fuck with the guy What else could you do Ah there's the usual shit Laxatives I would do

I don't know what I would do I would play Tyler Moore's song to him Every time he was a dick to me Who can turn the world on With his smile Well it's you sergeant You should know it With each little cunt

He fucking moved You show it Why are you such a dick It's just fucking This is a great thing about humor If it's funny it's fine You just got to make sure you get a laugh Dude you got another nine years

You can't let somebody take a decade from you So I would do Whatever it is I had to do You know Grab some beers with some of the other guys You probably can't trust them There's always some kiss ass that's going to fucking rat you out I don't want to ruin your career here

Jesus dude I don't know what to tell you I would just Other than the fucking singing songs to him Yeah he comes in and he's telling you some shit You don't want to do just look right at him Dead serious and be like God you got beautiful eyes Just something like that Just keep fucking with him

Cause that's a way where you can still carry out Whatever cunt he ordered he told you to do But you still hold on to a piece of yourself That's the best I have for you Other than that I would explore Some sort of organized way Okay To fucking tip this guy over in his squad car

I hope I helped you out sir Because I got miserable reading that Alright Okay where the fuck are we 55 minutes in I think it's time for some more advertising here everybody Here we go E voice

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Crazy blowjob Roll out Those lazy crazy Hazy fucking blowjobs But be da ba da Da be da da boo Ba da ba da beep Last night I got laid while Breaking Bad

Was playing in the background for my computer Okay well thank Vince Gilligan That ain't me Now I had a little trouble keeping the guy During the act Even though she had the ass I would kill for her to see again

So while she was giving me head Which was awesome by the way I look up and what do I see on the TV Billy the freckled face cunt shows up in a truck This is a true story by the way I remember that, that's when we shot that one In Santa Fe We shot that one in Santa Fe

When we robbed the train I'm not gonna say anything else because everybody I just started the series I must say I couldn't decide between Keep watching the scene Because I had to see you acting before Or enjoying the blowjob

Well dude have you ever heard a hit and pause This guy's like fucking easy He loves it, I thought I loved Breaking Bad This guy loves it He says the whole situation was really awkward Because I was imagining you saying stuff like Dude why are you watching TV While getting a blowjob

Are you a fig He goes I actually started laughing Not thinking about how uncomfortable that would make Her, the poor girl I was struggling to keep it up while hearing you In my head going This guy's a fig That's my joke making fun of people

Who are homophobic by the way Just to clarify it before I have to apologize To an overweight blogger on television The remote control was not in my reach So I had to watch the camera Alternating between Two redheaded cunts Heisenberg and old Billy Redface

Heisenberg's not a redhead, he had a shaved head You talking about Jesse Plemons I don't fucking know He said anyways, thanks for ruining a great blowjob you cunt I'll see you in Sweden in December My apologies sir, but you guys I know that you're way over there in Sweden But I would think that you guys have

I know you have remote controls And you have pause buttons I've been there That's really weird sir That made me uncomfortable with myself Getting a blowjob in Sweden Jesus Christ, it was probably some Chick that would be a fucking 11 Over here until you guys

It's just another chick From fucking Stockholm I always mention that Whenever I go over there When you're in Stockholm, the city of Stockholm It's fucking ridiculous Not saying there aren't some regular looking people But just the percentage of

Really good looking people Is you know I felt like a mongoloid when I was over there Like I really need to, like I should have Like a hump limping down the fucking street So anyways dude, shake it off and I hope that girl didn't hear you Laughing while she was blowing you

Because that could really affect her confidence So make sure she knows why you were laughing Alright, and just say Hey, we're not going to watch TV this time And then she'll go to blow you again And then just the sheer quietness in the room Is going to make you start thinking about my dumb face Again, you're going to laugh again

You have an issue sir Alright, the upper decker Dear St. Bill, I'll get to the point ASAP My boss booked me a hotel Without a fridge When I got to the hotel They told me their computer showed up Showed that the fridge, the fridge's rooms

Had not been cleaned I asked, could you just bump me up To one with the fridge then They responded with a polite no They then sent a guy to check If any of those rooms were cleaned The fridge's rooms They told me

One of them was, which I figure means It had been cleaned I took the room I had four strong beers Dog fish head 90 minute IPA I don't know what that means I know IPAs have more alcohol

But I don't know what 90 minute means He said that I went to take a shower I noticed that there was no soap Which means no one fixed the room That dude who checked Must have just made the bed To top it off, the toilet is not working Shit would not flush

So I took an upper decker Inside the top part of the toilet My question is, am I an asshole? P.S. this happened 20 minutes ago Still drunk, love you work Are you an asshole? Absolutely Absolutely you're an asshole

Because The person who manages that hotel Is not the person who has to clean out the toilet And All you gotta do is just Fuck over the person who's gotta clean it up Yeah, you should have done that shit, come on man Come on

The mature thing to do Is you pick up the phone And you say, yeah I said that this room was ready And it's not ready There's no soap in here, basically the bed Has been made, the toilet's not working That's what you do You don't take a shit in the top part

Of the fucking toilet Shame on you, I'm disappointed in you You know better than that I'll give you a little bit of a slap Dude, four beers in, you already did that Thank god you didn't have eight You probably want a shit in the hall Wrap up, okay that's it people

That's the podcast here Okay, that's the end See I did alright I got myself a nice hour and five minutes here That's a decent sized podcast It was an adorable little podcast Listen, now that the show's over Don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus

Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows Anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone Or tablet Support this podcast, get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus When you go to the podcast page at billbird.com Click the Hulu Plus banner Or go to huluplus.com That's huluplus.com

Real quick My next big gigs coming up Is what is it? November 7th, 8th and 9th Three of the biggest gigs I've had up until this day I'm going to be at Constitution Hall In Washington DC

I'm going to be In the Beacon Theatre In New York City And then I'm going to be in Upper Darby Pennsylvania Those dates are November 7th, 8th and 9th And as always I'm going to have the lovely Paul Verzi

Opening for me That's a Thursday, Friday and Saturday Most of those The first show is sold out I think there's just one show in DC But there's two in New York and two in Philadelphia So the first shows I believe are both sold out

And the second one is going fast So once again, thank you to everybody Who has bought up the tickets I'm coming with the best hour that I've written That's what I like to think And the weekend after that I'll be in Deadwood, South Dakota The Billy Red State Makeup Dates

The last three Deadwood, South Dakota On the 15th, Tulsa, Oklahoma Brady Theatre Wichita, Kansas, November 17th Oh, really quickly by the way The Broncos won again

I got to tell you though, I'm seeing a flaw in that team As great as they look Bronco fans, I want to hear from you, I'm not being a dick But they're looking like that Classic regular season team That scores a zillion points But lets up half a zillion And I found that those teams

Tend to lose in the playoffs Playoffs The Air Coriel Chargers The Dan Marino Dolphins The fucking greatest show on turf Rams The year we beat them, the year the Giants Beat the fucking undefeated Patriots

That shit catches up with you Because when you go to the playoffs You're going to be playing teams with great defense And when they slice your offense In half But your defense can't step it up All of a sudden you got a close game The next thing you know, you lose 20 to 17

You're like what the fuck happened We scored 9 million points this season Ben there is a fan What do you think? We're taking phone calls right now That's it, that's the podcast for this week Go fuck yourselves, I'll talk to you next week You've got a lot to do

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