Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-15-12

Episode Date: October 15, 2012

Bill rambles pink stuff, nfl football, and air born gonorrhea.

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A laughable host of the Monday Morning Podcast. Before we get started with this week's wonderful episode, I wanted to take time out to talk about my new comedy network that I started with. The wonderful Al Madrigal. The name of the websites, All Things Comedy. Go to AllThingsComedy.com. It's our own podcast page. What we like to think is the best collection of podcasts out there.

And it's growing by the day. We got my Monday Morning Podcast. We got the Skeptic Tank with Ari Shafir, The Long Shot, Walking the Room, Jake Johansson's Jake This, Mini Van Men with Al Madrigal, The Flop House, Your Mom's House, Deep Shit with Baron Vaughn and the Laugh Spin Podcast.

And this week, we are proud to be adding the Tom Rhodes Podcast and Jackie Cashian's Dork Forest. And we got some more coming up. And this week, I wanted to hype a couple of my buddies things. Free tickets to Al Madrigal's Comedy Central Hour Taping in Austin, Texas. Thursday, October 25th. That's right, free tickets at the Moody Theater. Tickets are going quick, so if you're in the Austin, jump on these now.

Just look at the top of the page on almadrigal.com. Click on the link and you're in the show. And personally, I endorse Al Madrigal 100%. Totally original, absolutely hilarious. He's one of my favorite comics. And when I first moved out here to LA, he was one of the first guys I saw and I was like, thank God, he's a guy I can watch every night.

So please go and watch him. And like I said, CDs by Ari Shafir and Tom Segura. And my new book, Cheat, A Man's Guide to Infidelity. That's it. Please go to allthingscomedy.com. Listen to my podcast and everybody else's. And go on there, explore, have a good time. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 15th, 2012. 2012, baby. This is Soulful October. Make sure to wear your fake pink afros to raise soul awareness in October. I want to fucking have some sort of counter awareness thing to try to dip into all this pink,

all this pink that I'm seeing out there. It's like, I got it. I was aware of it before the month. Stop jamming it down my throat there. You know, we already got a month of it in the NFL. Breath cancer or we're raising awareness. Why don't you raise money to cure it? Isn't that what you're supposed to be doing?

If you're raising awareness, what exactly does that mean? They said that on my flight, I was on a Delta flight, you know, went to the airport and I'm flying once again. Come fly with me, you red face fucking cunt. And I'm flying from New York City to Los Angeles, right? And I get on the flight and I'm looking at the ladies, right? And they're sitting there in jeans and in pink shirts. And I was like, oh, Jesus.

Right. Here we go again. Here we go again. All right. So we sit down and they get on the, you know, they get on the fucking horn there and they go, thank you for flying. You could step out of the aisle to help expedite fucking word.

I can't stand that word does not exist other than in the fucking corporate world. All right. To expedite the boarding process, we'd like to have an on time departure. Bitch, that's not on me. That's on you. Okay.

You said the ship was leaving at fucking 10 past 11. I didn't. Why don't you start boarding the fucking thing earlier or at least give us a little more room back here. So anyways, of course, once we get the plane starts going, she goes, um, the captain still has the seatbelt signs on. You cannot use anything electronically. Here's my memorized joke that I say every flight about

electronic stuff. And then she goes, you might have noticed, um, the flight attendants are not wearing our usual uniforms. Really? Yes. Really? We're actually wearing jeans and pink shirts to raise breast cancer awareness.

If you'd like to buy a ham sandwich that was put together by a Filipino child nine weeks ago out in the French Riviera sweatshop section of niece, a portion of the proceeds will be going towards raising breast cancer awareness. They keep saying that shit, raising breast cancer awareness. Shouldn't they be raising money to cure it?

You know, I think the awareness is out there. So if you're just raising money, if I go and buy that fucking Cubano fucking, you know, ham and cheese with the pickles there sandwich, right? I'm buying it thinking that I'm going to help the fucking disease. Am I, if you're just doing it to raise breast cancer awareness for that, am I just giving you money to buy more

pink shit? Is that what I'm doing? That's what I want to know. What am I buying this sandwich for? You know, it's funny. You know, goddamn. Well, there's somebody within that fucking pink organization is pulling down high six figures for raising

breast cancer awareness. You know, they are there's somebody right now down at some fucking dealership going, do I buy that overpriced shiny motherfucker or this one, right? With fucking, you've got pink fucking twenties in his pocket going to peel them off like Kanye West, right? Um, Kanye West. That's my impersonation of his rapping style because he

thinks his crowds are like borderline retarded and they don't understand words. So he has to slow down every third one. I'm not saying I'm going to fucking take a guy, but they should re break his jaw because he still looks like a fucking pug. Oh, I'm in a mood. Why in such a cunty mood, Bill?

I'll tell you why I'll tell you why because I have a 14 hour flight today to fucking Australian. I didn't want to think about that. Let's get back to the pink shit. You know, one of the classic things that football fans will say they'll be like, well, why don't they have why don't they have prostate awareness month where they wear like brown stuff?

You know why they don't have prostate awareness month? Aside from the fact that guys couldn't organize a fucking fishing trip without drinking a 12 pack first. Um, it's because guys are already watching NFL football. That's why we're already watching. There's no way to, there's no, there's no, what's the upside, you know, to, of that, reminding us that our ass might fall out someday while we're watching the

fucking overrated Seahawks. Oh, I'm going to get to that, by the way. I'm going to get to that. All right. You've tree hugging fucking Kurt Cobain candlelit vigil fucking douchebags. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to get to you guys right fucking now.

I am so sick of them talking about how fucking, well, before I do that, let's, let's be honest here. The Patriots did not deserve to win that game. Tom Brady had a horrible fucking game. Um, and our defensive backs just, I don't know what they're doing. Can somebody for the love of God explain to me what the defensive backs on the New England Patriots are doing?

Are they covering the receivers or are they just merely giving them an escort down the field? We made that fucking rookie look like goddamn Joe Montana. The amount of fucking jump balls that guy threw just through a jump ball than the general vicinity and our guys are just running down the field. Of course, with these new fucking rules, and this goes on

on both sides, the rules in the NFL are just fucking horrific at this point. Do you see that Jets game? Look, Andrew Luck throws a pick. Cromani's running it into the end zone. Luck's coming over to, you know, to try to cause some sort of traffic so he goes out of bounds. It doesn't score.

And guess what? He gets blocked and he falls on his ass and they call a penalty roughing the quarterback. I don't get it. I don't. It's one of the worst fucking calls I've ever seen in my life other than that fucking call against the Yankees at second base.

Now that right there was, I would investigate that on par. Did you have like, did you have money on that fucking game? Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. So that's bullshit.

That whole, the whole protecting of the fucking quarterback is such horseshit. There was one play. The Patriots, one of our linebackers came in, right? Seattle's quarterback is in the follow through of throwing the ball. He goes to swat the ball. The ball goes by.

He misses it. And part of his forearm, I mean, hit the guy's head. I mean, not even hard. He's swatting at the ball. They call roughing the passer. And that was yet another jump ball that he threw. And this is the coverage the Patriots guy has. He gives him his little, little touch.

You're allowed to touch the receiver within the first five yards. But I think at this point you're allowed to do it with only two fingers, you know, one in index fingers or two pinkies in the thumb. Okay. You're allowed because pinkies are shorter. You're allowed to touch the fucking receiver.

And then after that, you just, all you can do is run next to them. This is why if I see one more mediocre fucking jackass throw for 350 fucking yards, it's unbelievable. When I was a kid, when you played football, you fucking ran with your guy. You saw his eyes and then you turned around. You look back at the quarterback and then you

hand check the receiver. You didn't grab his jersey. You just put your hand back so you knew where the fuck he was. Okay. That's it. You can't even do that. So all these fucking guys do now is they just run down

the field with them. And then when they see their eyes go up at the last second, they try to turn around and by then it's fucking over. By the time they realize the ball's there, the receiver's fucking dick is in his face and then they just sort of grab around his waist and pull the guy down.

They're like, oh, another big game for fucking Joe Blow. He has 400 yards passing in the second quarter. A new NFL record. It's amazing. He couldn't carry Dan Marino's fucking jock strap, but for some reason he just broke one of his records.

Ah, I swear to God, I'm going to stop fucking watching NFL football. If you can't fucking hit the quarterback and you can't cover the receivers and I have to watch another fucking guy go 36 for 58. I don't want to see 58 six yard passes in a game. I don't want to fucking see it. I don't know.

Maybe they'll make a helmet that will allow them to play football again. And I want to apologize to all those rugby fucking fans. I was wrong after really watching it this week. You know, I've been on the road for six straight weeks after really sitting down there watching the NFL package.

Dude, I don't even recognize the fucking game anymore. Do you know somebody? Well, my buddy is back east in Boston. Do you see fucking Wes Welker was a tough son of a tough son of a bitch. Did you see him get fucking stuck after he made that catch?

Just a fucking great old school rattle your fillings hit. It was the shit. One of those things where you sit at home, you see the hit and you're like, yeah, right there. Aside from obviously the speed of the game that hit right there is why I'm on the couch watching and not playing because if that ever happened to me,

I would have fucking if I didn't die instantly, I would have been crying like a little girl and I would have crawled off of my forearms and just laid in the fetal position for the rest of the fucking game as opposed to Welker got up, was out for one play and came back and count it like another 15 yarder. Just a great fucking hit.

Some fucking sports guy in Boston, my buddy was telling me said that the guy should be fine for that hit. I don't know. This is it. I don't know what it is. The timeout generation is coming of age and I don't recognize it, but I got to tell you fucking

Seattle, their fans annoy the fuck out of me. They really do. I am so sick of them getting all this fucking credit for being this loud crowd. The 12th man, you know, your 12th man should be your 12th man every week should be the architect that built that stadium because they knew you guys were just average fucking fans.

So they had to like design a symphony hall to enhance how loud your cheers are. I went to that stadium. You can't fucking believe how loud it is. You're looking around going, how is it this loud? And I'm looking at the expressions on people's faces. They're not any more intense.

Nothing. It's that fucking overhang. They built a symphony to capture every fucking cheer that goes up there. And now these guys are out there act thinking they're like these badass fans with your ugly ass fucking uniforms. Oh, and to make matters worse.

Yeah. And every week they have some fucking B list celebrity go out there and I forget what he does. He blows a trumpet or raises a flag. It was so forgettable. I was actually at that's to have most of this is because I'm mad that my fucking team blew that goddamn game.

No, we didn't even blow. We fucking didn't even deserve it. We didn't fucking deserve it. Is this country? Am I not taken away from Seattle? Seattle totally deserves it. They're fucking defense is great. And everything was awesome.

And I really liked. I love how fucking big and hard their, their, their corners hit and everything was great. And then this morning I'm watching the NFL network and one of their corners is on there talking trash, but he's like giddy. It was like I had douche chills going up the arm back down the arm and back up the army.

He's just like, I'm fucking game. I said to Brady, we're going to beat you. And he's like, talk to me after the game. And then we wanted that. I was like, yeah, what's up now? You know, we're like a team. They're like, they're like the Brady bunch. And it was like, dude, please stop talking.

You just won. Just sit there like it was no big deal. Why are you trying to act like you're a badass and you sound giddy? You won a game in fucking October. Absolutely giddy. He sounded like he shook Elvis's hand. You can quote me, put it on the NFL network.

Oh, go wash your dreads. Nobody gives a fuck. We'll one for you. When one fucking game went one fucking game in October and you're fucking sitting there texting about it. And then Tom Brady said this and then I said that. Did he write some he said fucking she said horseshit. Just be thankful that you have one more fucking victory

than you really deserve because of those replacement refs. Honestly, Seattle, honestly, you really think you're going to win the Super Bowl this year, you know, even with your, your, your enhanced acoustics there, you know, who actually, you know, that'd be interesting. Who designed that stadium? Did Paul Simon, did he have a word in that? Did he sit there on the 50 yard line?

You know, singing one of his going to San Francisco songs. James Taylor, maybe he sat out there. Okay, James, let's just see if we've moved the roof in far enough to capture every sound in this building. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days. Oh my God. Oh wait, most of that, most of that was,

I'm just pissed at my fucking team lost. Why won't they let him play football anymore, everybody? Is it because they're worried about a class action suit with all these fucking concussions? Just make, make him sign a waiver. I understand that if I get my head slammed at 40 miles of fucking hour every three seconds playing this game that eventually there might be some sort of physical side effects.

I take on all these personal fucking risks myself and I agree to go out there and play football the way it was meant to be played. I gotta tell you right now, the two biggest things ruining the game though. I mean you do it to protect the players but the fucking Brady rule. I'm actually sitting there watching Brady and he's bugging me. Every time he gets somebody runs by him too fast, he looks over at the ref.

It's just like, you know, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm going to stop. I'm not going to stop watching. I'm just going to keep bitching because I have nothing better to do on a fucking Sunday. That's the truth of the matter. But this fuck dude, back in the day, defensive backs, man, they had attitude, man. They were up on their toes.

They were right up on the line. They got in your face. They could fucking intimidate you. But like, you can't even play defense. It's like a chaperone on a fucking prom night. I don't know, but even if you could play defense, I swear to God, our fucking corners are terrible. Fucking terrible.

I know I don't get the fucking game, but you know what? I can't stand. I fucking hate zone defense. I hate when you're covering a guy and then you just let him go. You let him go and then that other, and then he has like eight yards before another guy's going to go pick him up. And they're sitting down in the zone, sitting down in the zone.

He's not even fucking covered. All right. I got my fucking tampon out. Let's go. Let's fucking plow ahead here. I'm going to go up there with a fucking hacksaw one day and I'm going to cut off the roof on both sides of those other fucking stadium. And you know what?

Seattle Seahawks fans. You're going to find in an embarrassing way how loud you truly are. Okay. When it immediately sounds like a Peter Paul and Mary concert. All right. You granola bar eating jackasses sitting there acting like your tough guys up there. What do you do? All your tough guys are out to see getting the fucking crab legs.

What do you guys do? Huh? Sit around and talk about the new world order. You know, you're such rabid fans. You lost your basketball team. Go fuck yourselves. Um, let's try neon green. Hooray.

Ah, Jesus. Hey, do you guys hear there's a new strand of gonorrhea out there? It's a nice segue. Airborne gonorrhea. I really need an echo for that airborne born born gonorrhea. Rhea, Rhea, Rhea. Airborne fucking gonorrhea. Can you believe that shit?

I guess when you thought it was safe to take your dick out, right? Here comes airborne gonorrhea. And we have evidently San Diego State University to thank for it. All right. So there's a mysterious case of this kid, right? He's never gotten laid in his life. He's kissed a couple of girls, but that's it. And somehow he ends up with fucking gonorrhea.

Um, so the doctors can't figure it out. Let's pick it up here. A question about any physical contact or possible mixing of fluids. The dude responded, well, I did sort of brush up against this pretty girl's arm, but I don't think she noticed. So this kid, as far as they're explaining, is basically a virgin. Said after explaining his situation to the doctors at UCSD's student health clinic, uh, research began examining the peculiar case.

Um, this fucking egghead was the first guy to suspect a fucking thing, uh, a new strand of the disease. Sometimes, well, here's what he says. Sometimes when a bacterial disease is present in extremely high quantities within a relatively small location, read San Diego State University campus, they can mutate and in some cases become airborne. As it turns out, this was the case at San Diego State University,

and this virgin just happened to be the first victim. That's how filthy these fucking kids are down there. Jesus Christ, they must be going to class barefoot, bunch of fucking animals down there. Um, anyways, some chick who accompanied the virgin to San Diego State said, yeah, it really sucks that the dude who drove us got gonorrhea. I mean, he didn't even get any ass. This is a woman saying this.

And still now look at him. That really blows. Wow. Well, there you go. So there you go. If anybody has a daughter and you're thinking about where not to send her, I would not send her to San Diego State University. Why?

Because of the curriculum? Is that how you say it? The curriculum? The safety issues on campus? No. Well, what is the reason? It's because of airborne, board, board, gonorrhea, rhea, rhea, rhea. Airborne gonorrhea.

That is just fucking insane. San Diego State gives you wings. It gives gonorrhea rings. They're like the fucking Red Bull of STDs. That is fucking just shame on you, San Diego State University. What are you guys doing down there? I can tell you what you're not doing. Good fucking Lord.

Get it. You know what? They're going to invent a new condom, you know, that just you're going to put it on like a fucking bathing suit and it's just going to cover everything. It'll be like a speedo condom, you know, but it's very flexible. So you're still able to have some sort of sex. It's just, oh, you see this shit? It's over.

This is nature, man. Nature knows there's just too many of us. And she's just, I don't know what she's doing. She needs to step up her game, though, because if you think fucking airborne gonorrhea is going to stop us, I got news for you, lady. I don't, I don't think it is. You know, I realize I am 22 minutes in. I always fucking do this and I forget to do the goddamn ads.

By the way, congratulations to Sandy Seattle. You know, you know, I'm fucking with you. I'm just fucking pissed that we lost. All right. Before you send me all your fucking, you know, I did an episode inside the NFL this week and at the end of it, I'm standing there with Phil Sims and Chris Collins Worth, who are two of the funniest dudes ever. Such a great experience doing that show.

So they have me picking games. So I'm standing there with a guy, you know, two guys who both played in Super Bowls and I'm just some moron from the stands. So I'm not really going to sit here and give my picks. I'm just going to act like an idiot. So I predicted the Patriots would win by 40. I said the Texans wouldn't win because I didn't like their quarterback's face. I was going to pick Tampa and then said, oh, they got a pirate ship in this stadium.

You know, they're not taking it seriously. I just did stuff like that. The amount of people who took it seriously, like you thought they were going to win by 40. Epic fail. It's like, do you really think I thought they were going to win by 40? Unreal. Unreal.

My little Jim Florentine. My Paul Verzi doing Jim Florentine. You got to listen to Paul Verzi's podcast, by the way. I think it's the Verzi effect. I can't remember what the hell he calls it. All I know is that Robinson Cano is 0 for 26 in his last 26 at bats. He just set a new playoff record. Nobody in the history of the game has gone 0 for 26.

You know, what does Verzi say? Verzi just, ah, you know, he's just in a slump. I got to talk Yankees over here in a second. Hold on. Here we go. Here we go. Let's do some reads here, man. All right.

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I think at that point you got to go chop down a tree and just make a wooden train for somebody and do the best you can. That's what I would do. A couple of IOU slips. All right. Plowing head. Bill, anyways, you will be able to compare offers from up to four lenders. And if you enter the code BUR, B-U-R-R, you will receive a free mortgage guide. And there you go.

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Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. Back to the podcast. And once again, congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks.

I really don't hope that you don't win a Super Bowl. All right. Before you get all fucking upset. Actually, we are that loud back when we had the King Joe. We're having people painted their hats, man. We were shotgunning granola bars, man. The New World Order. Actually, I love Seattle.

It's a fucking beautiful city. You know what I mean? And it's worth sitting there talking to those broads with the hairy bushes. The fucking New York Yankees. I got to tell you, I was just in New York City. New York, New York. And I got to tell you something. Joe Girardi sitting a rod or pinch hitting him.

And the ninth inning when they're down, sitting a $200 million man, is arguably the ballsiest, gutsiest move I've ever seen by not only a baseball manager, I'm trying to think of a gutsier call. I know Saints fans. Oh, what about when we did the onside kick? Not even close. Not even close. That's just some razzle-dazzle.

You just, you filed that under that shit. This was an unbelievable move. It was such an unreal move. For those of you who didn't watch and were under a rock, the guy, Raul Abanyes, who looks like, I don't know what he looks like. He looks like an older Freddie Krueger. He's an old guy. Put it that way.

I'm four years older than him, so I look even worse. Guy hits a home run. It was like a movie. It's like Robert Redford in The Natural. Goes into extra innings. They win it on a walk-off home run by who? None other than Raul Abanyes again. It just was unreal.

And I absolutely hate the Yankees. And the next day I'm reading the New York Post, reading about this historic move, and I'm smiling, reading about a Yankee win. Unbelievable. I actually got into the baseball playoffs a little bit because I kept doing spots. That whole week I was getting ready to do Night of Too Many Stars

on Comedy Central, which I taped Saturday night and will air, I believe, within the week. Raises money for autism. And I kept making fun of that name, Night of Too Many Stars. There's too many stars. And then I showed up and saw who was there, and that was pretty impressive. I'm not going to ruin it.

But I was definitely, my head was on a swivel. So I half of my childhood walked by. Anyways, yeah, so I would go out and I would run my set. And then I would, at the end of the night, I'd go to this bar by myself. I'd get a whiskey, and I would just sit there and I would watch the end of the games. And what did I watch?

I watched, oh my God, I watched the fucking, I was going to say the Senators, the fucking Nationals. I watched the Nationals, oh my God. That fucking Collette, that debacle. That was brutal. That was like the old school Red Sox. That was the way the Red Sox used to lose. That was brutal.

So my condolences to National fans. I sat there watching it, not really giving a shit about the series, but I was like, oh, they've never won a, they've never won a playoff series in baseball since the 1930s. I got to watch this because these fans are going to go crazy. Go crazy, folks. They're going to go nuts. And just watching that, just watching it go away.

What the hell were they, were they down by four runs? No, what was it? No, they scored four runs. It was seven to five. They won strike away. And next thing you know, it's nine to seven Cardinals. Oh, it was brutal. It was brutal.

That was, I saw two horrific things. That and watching Derek G to break his ankle and have to get carried off the field. That was just, that was not something that I wanted to see. Had I known that that was going to happen, I wouldn't have watched. You know, you don't want to see Derek G to carry it off the field. It was, it was brutal. Fucking brutal. Anyways, hats off to Joe Girardi, man.

That was an awesome. Oh, what a gutsy call to have to walk up to him and be like, yeah, listen, I'm about ready to humiliate you in front of the country for the better of this team. And if this doesn't work out, you know, with the way the New York media is, they might actually question, are they going to question whatever the fuck I do when he still had the nerve to do it. Unreal. Unreal.

Um, anyways, here we go. Hey, Bill, I'm a huge fan and I just want to let you know that recently my mother has been battling cancer while she's in the hospital recovering from surgery. My dad, brother and I sat down and watched your special, even though it might have been an hour of the day. You made us laugh at a time when we all really needed to walk. Why are we, why are we, this is like really nice. We don't do nice things in the podcast.

I truly believe thank you very much. Thank you. Okay. Well, I'm glad I was able to do that. I'm glad my total ego trip. Look at me. Selfish thing that I do somehow added to your life. I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

I hope she gets better. All right. See now, now, now we're in this place. Now we're in this place. This happened to me on that night of too many stars. I'm not going to say what happened, but I had to go on after something that really should have just ended the show because it was unreal. It was unreal and I was literally standing there going, I have to go on after this.

Why? Oh geez, but the host hooked me up. The host got him back, got him back to a more sillier place. Um, anyways, the host, John Stewart, um, solid guy, stand up comedian, saw the situation. All right. Took the bullet for me, brought me out nice. Solid guy. All right.

Facebook comments. Bill, how does someone who can hardly read write a book? You know how I can do that, sir? Um, I, I, I didn't write a book. I wrote it with two of my friends. We all held each other. You know, they brought me across the finish line like Kellan Winslow and that game against the dolphins.

Um, that's actually not true. Me and Bobby carried Joe DeRosa across the finish line. Not cause Joe's not a piece of shit. Joe just just such a commitment foe. He's never really in a relationship. So he didn't have that many cheating stories. Um, but anyways, I want to thank everybody who's going out and buying the book. The book has been doing phenomenally, but phenomenon on whatever the hell he is, the

book charts. So if you haven't got your, your copy of cheat, a man's guide to infidelity, absolutely hilarious over the top look at, uh, men's behavior and the dumb things that we do. Um, we got a bunch of our knucklehead friends telling stories about cheating on women and getting caught. And then the three of us, me, Joe and Bobby basically break down their cheat stories like NFL game film and try to say where they went wrong, where they went right. And in the back of the book, the true reason we wrote the book was to hype our short film

that we got into the Tribeca film festival called cheat. Um, you get a link to the movie and you can check it out. And it's awesome. So thank you for everybody. And also my special, you people are all the same is, is still available for download at billbird.com. And if you're having problems downloading it, you have totally my empathy because I would screw it up too because I am also not good at the computer, the art of computers.

Just make sure when you just in this, if you have a problem, all you need to do is in capital letters in the subject line, this will help me find your email quickly and get you the special as quickly as possible. Just right. Stand up special. And then in the body of your email, just have your PayPal receipt copied and we'll get it right out to you. Okay.

Because if you just say, Hey, I bought it, I couldn't download it. I have to do the extra thing of going, okay, send me the receipt. We'll get it to you. It's an extra step. All right. We're trying to expedite the process of you getting the special. All right. Speaking of special Led Zeppelin special, Mr. Burr, tell me you're excited about the

new Led Zeppelin film about the 2007 benefit concert. Jim Florenti talked about it in his most recent podcast and mentioned how Bonzo's son stole the show. Yeah, Jason, I actually talked to Florenti and we'll text about it. He said it was the best concert film he's ever seen. And I also heard that the members of the band were ridiculously excited after they saw it. So he goes, so I thought that this might be the best dilemma question for you. If you could see only one last concert, would you choose ACDC in Argentina or Led Zeppelin

with Bonzo's son? Oh, that's actually an easy one. I would have to say Led Zeppelin with Bonzo's son. Just for the simple fact that I've seen ACDC a bunch of times and I've never seen Led Zeppelin. And as much as I would love to see ACDC in Argentina, yeah, I would go see Zeppelin. You know what I mean? Because I saw some clips of it. Well, I liked about how Jason played was you could just tell that he wasn't intimidated

by the moment, you know, that poor guy, he basically he had to follow the greatest drummer of all time, his dad, it'd be like if you were Jordan's son, and you play in hoop. Even if you dunk on somebody, someone's go, yeah, but your dad, your dad would have jumped higher. He's had to deal with that his entire life. And I just felt the way he was playing. He didn't give a shit what anybody was going to say. And he did this great blend of stuff that his dad played on the classic recordings and

stuff that I've heard on the Zeppelin bootlegs. He kind of blended those perfectly while also just being in the moment himself, I felt like and thrown in some shit that his interpretations and it was it was perfect. He did the perfect balance of of staying true to the original and then adding his own flavor to it without getting in the way. It was an absolute masterpiece. So there you go. Look at that after coming out hard, coming out hard and trashing pink shirts and everybody

in Seattle. Look at him coming around here, given, given fucking props to the Yankees and shit. Jesus Christ almighty. Um, anyways, barrel, bill, uh, beer, all beer, um, fear of STDs and downgrading. What's going on, Bill? Love the podcast and all the advice you have go, you know, fuck this. I'm not going to read this right now. Let's talk about how the I have to get on a fucking airplane today to fly to Australia.

All right. Which is definitely exciting, exciting and new. Get on board. What are you going to do your fucking trap here for fucking 14 goddamn hours? You have two options. Sit there and take it or do permanent damage to your liver by taking some sleep aids. Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not into those fucking ambience and all those types of things because, uh, I do enough

damage to my liver with fucking whiskey and all that type of shit. I don't need, I don't need to be adding to it. You know what I mean? You know, like when the ref gets knocked down in a wrestling match and then, and the hero guy with the blonde blonde fucking mullet is over in the bad guys corner and the guy who's not supposed to be in has got his foot on his fucking throws. The other guy kicks him in the head allegedly. Yeah.

I'm going to be doing that to my fucking liver. So I actually tweeted this out. These are basically my options for a 14 hour flight, 14 fucking hours, 14 fucking out. What do we do? What are we going by ship here? Huh? What are we doing here? Um, all right.

First option. I watch all three Godfathers plus good fellas and then I try and sleep for six hours. That'll be 14 hours. I, uh, take a fistful of Ambien and I watch Raising Arizona and then I'm there, but I've done this flight before and I did it out of New York city and I flew with this lady and she took some of those drugs and I kept looking over jealous as she just slept hour after hour after hour and I was sitting there fucking playing Tetris for like fucking eight hours. Um, um, but at the end of the flight, when, when she went to get off, I swear to God,

she looked like she got the shit kicked out of her, but for some reason her face head didn't have the bruises, but it was all puffy. She looked horrible and, uh, I don't want to do that shit. So I think I'm going to go with the fucking, yeah, but my, my laptop's going to run out of battery life. Let me tell you guys how I don't like that movie casino. It's just too fucking violent. It's just too fucking violent.

I love all the other stuff in it, but that shit where the guys, I gets popped out or where they make and Pesci watch them beat his brother to death with the bat and they're like burying them while he's still fucking half conscious. It's just, it just, it's just too much. Just fucking rub me the wrong way. Those fake deaths I couldn't handle, um, fuck. So what am I going to do? I'm taking the lovely Nia with me, of course, of course she wants to go.

She never goes when I need her. Like when I'm going to fucking, you know, some God forsaken place, you know, I'm going someplace fun. Oh, she's right there on my hip. You're not ladies. Do that. Oh, I want to go. That sounds like fun.

Oh yeah. How come Jacksonville doesn't sound like fun? What about Cincinnati? You don't think you can have some fun there? That's the great thing about this trip is I had fun in all those places. I had an unbelievably great time in Jacksonville shooting guns, eating gator, going to the game and then I went up to fucking Cincinnati and I ate their fucking ribs. I took a river boat over to the game.

I had a great, I had a great time. I really did. Um, oh, and speaking of a great time, and this is totally just free advertisement. There's a new stand up comedy club in New York city. There's a new girl in town and she's feeling good. Um, Jesus Christ. What was that? That was, that was Alice.

I didn't know I knew that. There's a new girl in town and she's feeling good. Got a divorce and a big tooth kid and we're going to Arizona because I'm going to tan up my milf titties. I forget how it goes. Anyways, that dude was a cute kid and then once he fucking, he wants, he grew up. Wow. He went through his fucking awkward years.

All of a sudden he had giant fucking teeth and he didn't look so good. Tommy, Tommy was his name. Um, the fuck am I talking about? Why did I just start singing? Oh, a new stand up club. The guys who run the club right now are fucking sitting on the edge of their seats going is this fucking ADT, ADD douchebag actually going to get to it. And yes, I am, um, there's a new, new, new comedy club.

It's called the stand. It's on 3rd avenue between 19th and 20th street and, um, has unbelievable food and there's a great comedy room downstairs and I hung out there all fucking weekend, all week building up for the night of too many stars and, uh, I had an awesome time and that's definitely going to be a regular stop for me when I come back to New York and you should, it's just fucking great. It's a great place to take a broad. They got good food, great comedy downstairs and, um, yeah, it's kind of the same setup

as the, uh, the comedy seller, you know, restaurant upstairs, comedy room downstairs. You know, they're like a smaller version of that. So either or there you go, the comedy seller, the classic, the Fillmore of standup comedy clubs in New York city. And now there's another new one, the stand, you know, I actually went around and I did all the old ones, man. I had a great time going back there. I did, uh, did a spot at danger fields, did a couple of spots at the comic strip.

I went over to, uh, standup New York, uh, went down to the cellar, it was great. And it was fucking great time. And then I really actually missed being able to do like four spots in a night working on stuff. Um, that was a great time of my life way back in the day, late nineties, early 2000s when I was, when I was living with fucking Bobby Kelly and we would go out and do like eight shows on a Friday, eight shows on Saturday, the fucking end of the night sitting there. All sweaty with fucking 50 bucks, 50 bucks a spot, whether there'd be 400 bucks.

I've told these stories and I always had to take cabs cause I played downtown and uptown and Bobby played. He played the Boston, the one, the seller. And some nights he'd do three at each and he'd have nine and he'd have to take one fucking cab and he had all his money and I'd be jealous anyways, fear of STDs and downgrading. What's going on, Bill? I love the podcast and all the advice you've given no matter how and name. So I thought I'd ask for some advice for myself for the last year and a half.

I've been tormented by my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me and did the whole, I want you back thing on and off for a year and a half. Oh my God, dude, which is longer than we were together in parentheses only a year. I don't want to be with, I don't want to be with her because I now know how much of a cunt she is. But the problem is that I've been lured into this shit for that period of time. You've learned into what shit? Back into relationship?

Anyways, he says, even though during that time we were not together, I didn't sleep with or do anything with any other girl to make me look like the bigger person in the situation. She had a boyfriend during this time because again, she's a cunt. Um, well, dude, you're a sap, all right? If you're just going to say she's a cunt here, like you're, you're turning the keys over to the relay of the whole fucking relationship to her. That the reason why this isn't working is because she's a cunt. She, she is a cunt and you're allowing her cunt mist to fucking come into your atmosphere.

I'm sorry. I know what I ran out of shit there. Um, yeah. She's like airborne gonorrhea. Get away from her. All right. Get away from her. Anyways, he goes, so I haven't had sex in over a year and a half, which is slowly killing

me on the inside. Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you have any friends? Have you told your guy friends that? Ah, come on, man, you're better than this. And he says, and the prospects aren't looking too good. Not many attractive ladies at my school and the ones who are attractive. I probably rather date since I'm more of a relationship guy.

Um, I've never had a one night stand before and would not know how to handle the situation just approaching girl and getting her to have sex with me within a couple of hours. It's not like I don't want to have random sex, but I am worry of STDs and didn't want to, don't want to just bang some ugly, not too attractive broad since my ex was extremely attractive. I do not want to downgrade in any sense. Well, you don't. You don't have to bang some pig.

Dude, you just need to go out. This is what you need to do. You need to go out. First thing you need to do is go down to the thrift shop, get yourself a fucking smoking jacket and some slippers, all right, and just start fucking walking around in it and just feeling that vibe. You have to stop giving a fuck, all right, get yourself a bunch of condoms, you know, that's a great thing to do.

Get yourself a bunch of condoms like you're preparing for something wonderful to happen and then just get out there in the game. Don't care. Don't go out there going like I have to convince this girl to have sex with me tonight. You know, that's you're going to come off desperate. Just go out there and just fucking have a good time. I'm telling you right now, it's like doing stand half of doing stand up is if you're up there having the fucking time of your life, the crowd's going to go along with you.

They like it. They see you having fun. It's contagious. They want to be around you. Have a good time at a fucking party. Crack some jokes. Say what's up. Be friendly.

Don't freak them out. And eventually you go, what's your deal? What's going on with you? And they did a little touch on your arm right there. You're at least rounded second. You know, that's it. Baby steps. Hit a double first before you worry about fucking hitting the cycle.

That would be my advice to you, even though I haven't read the rest. So I don't even know what your fucking question is. So let's, let's plow ahead. Although now I've also brought up airborne, born, got a real, real, real, get a gas mask and some condoms. And I think you ought to be good. That's going to be sex here in the next couple of years. Do you like that?

Does that feel good? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Suck my dick. Hey. Hey.

Yeah. Suck my dick. My dick. Yes. Jesus Christ. Fucking idiot. I wasn't talking to you. I wasn't.

Hey, you got a fucking wave, though? You got a fucking wave. Great. Great. Who the fuck are you? You fucking hell? Take your airborne, got a real, real, real bitch. That's going to be sex in a couple of, uh, couple of years.

Is that going to be a campaign issue? A couple of years. It's going to be tougher on healthcare. I'm going to get schools back and we're going to tackle the problem head on of airborne, got a real. Um, let's just get to this fucking question here. Um, I'm also on a college budget and definitely do not want to spend extra money I have on taking some girl out to dinner or some shit.

Well, then go fuck yourself, dude. Have fun jerking off. You know, there's your opening line. Yeah. Listen, I want to fuck you tonight, but like, I don't want to waste any money. So wow. What do you, what do you say? I'll take it out myself, you know, you know, don't worry unless you want to, you know,

burn some calories, take it out more. Um, so I am wondering if I should stop spending so much time thinking about getting laid and just focusing on my focus on myself until I graduate and let whatever happens happens. Yeah, that's great. Should I just take my hand off the wheel and see where the car goes? Or should I just say fuck it and try to fuck the next girl who gives me attention? No, don't do that. All right.

You're a relationship guy. You don't want to go down that fucking road. Okay. But also, you know, even though you are a relationship guy, if the next one you meet is the one and you get married, you're going to be, it's going to bug you that you didn't go out and bang at least fucking 20, 30 girls. So I would, you know, quality, sir, quality, okay, make a list, check it twice so you don't fuck some whore.

Who's got the pussy, lice, ba-da-boo, ba-be-dee, ba-boo. Um, all right, tattoos, all right, I know they're all the fucking rage, but you know, that says something about you. If you get a tattoo, I don't give a fuck, all right. You're definitely on the other side of the skank fence, all right. The way a girl dresses, you want a girl who dresses classy, all right. Not like a fucking whore. She dresses like a whore.

Okay. A sports car looks like a sports car and it's been driven like one. Okay. You go look at a girl who's dressed like a fucking whore, she has been, she's been ridden like one. You understand? All the fucking time, all right, look, you know, those classy girls can be a lot of fun too.

They really can. You can have a conversation with them, your relationship guy, you know, you just walk in, hey, what's going on with you? I'm getting out of a relationship, you know, I just stated, you know, there's absolute psychos. She's completely fucked with my head. I'm not even trying to be in a relationship, you know, just hit her with that shit because I'm actually a relationship guy, oh, he's sensitive, maybe we'll get a puppy someday

and you'll fucking be in there. And then, you know, I don't know what, I don't know what you do these days. You put on some Skrillex or dead mouse and you're fucking with it, then you fucking come in her face. Am I dating a whore? Hey, Bill, greetings from Spain. Hola, mi amigo. When are you coming here?

I'm going to come there and watch people get run over by bulls at some point. And I've realized that the place to be at is you want to be in the arena where there's nowhere left to run. You know, anyway, I'm 22 and need some advice about a girl I'm dating. She was in class with me in high school. Dude, are you bilingual and you write this? What is this fucking amazing? My old Spanish fell off again because I can't find a disc to put it on this fucking laptop.

It's only on my old one. No worst. Two months or so ago, we met again for my best friend's birthday. Wait, let's start over again. I already forgot what happened. She was in class with me in high school and we were good friends at the time. Two months ago, we met again for my best friend's birthday party. She fit my group of friends pretty well and after a couple of days, we started flirting

with each other. Finally, one night we hooked up and now we're dating. Great. What could go wrong? Two years ago, she quit her career in college and I picked another one that she liked. Two years ago, she quit her career in college and I picked another one that she liked. I don't know what that means. She had to move to Madrid to attend school.

Yesterday, we were having a small pillow talk and I asked her how many guys she'd bang. She started counting and my asshole shrunk a little. Turns out when she was in Madrid, she fucked six guys in six months and then started a relationship with another one that went for a year and a half. They broke up a month ago and now she's with me. So if my math doesn't fail, counting her first boyfriend, the sixth dude that she's fucked in this last guy, I'm dick number nine. I slept with six women in my entire life and somehow I feel like I'm dating a whore.

Dude, she's still in signal digits. You know? That ain't nine dicks. You're number nine. Eight. Trying to think of the schoolhouse fucking rock song for eight. Was there one? She's a magic number.

Number nine will put you on the spot. Number nine will tie you up, oh, in a knot. I've slept with six women, so I've slept with six women my entire life and somehow I feel like I'm dating a whore. I can't help but have this horrendous thought in my head. I'm not a jealous guy at all, but I caught myself a couple of times on her Facebook page guessing who these dudes are. Dude, don't do that to yourself.

Look you're competitive, all right? You know, you have six TD passes. She has nine. She's going, she's starting the Pro Bowl. She's sweet. She's nice. She's into me, but I think it will be different for me to trust this girl, which had never happened to me before.

I'm feeling miserable. Any advice will be appreciated. Yeah, dude, it's not her fault you only banked six broads. All right? It'd be one thing if she had a history of cheating on guys she was in a relationship with. Look, put it this way. A woman, if she's even just halfway decent looking, can go out to a bar and get dick

every fucking night. All right? Now, if you could do that, if you could turn the fucking table, if you could go out and get laid like that with women, how many women women would you have banged in fucking six months? 180 is what I'm going to say. Six months, 30 days of fucking month, roughly. Yeah.

You'd probably would bang. You'd probably bang 80 before you started thinking, what am I doing? This is empty. You know, she banged six. That was probably her fucking little, little, uh, she got it out of her system. You know, she's not fucking around on you. She's not a whore. It's just making you, uh, uh, I didn't consider it was the word insecure.

You're all right, dude. Nine. This day and age with airborne gonorrhea, I mean, that's pretty, that's a pretty fucking low number. And she did it all in Spain, way away from San Diego State University, home of airborne gonorrhea, rhea, rhea, rhea. Are you thinking they're going to put that in there? It's their fucking brochure, you know, every, every college has to be number one in something.

Oh my God. Who's their big rival in football that you guys got to make the airborne gonorrhea fucking t-shirts show up with gas masks on for those dirty, filthy fucking students. The fact that the fucking chick from the goddamn school is sitting there going in the sad thing, they didn't even get any ass right there that a fucking lady would talk like that. Let's you know why there's airborne gonorrhea. Oh, you fucking skank. Um, all right, E voice, everybody, if you need help looking for more, uh, looking more

professional or being more efficient, you should check out E voice. I personally have received some really great feedback from listeners on Twitter, um, that show you guys are really liking, uh, E voice and why wouldn't you by going to E voice by going to www.evoice.com slash bill burr, you can get a free six month trial of E voice. It helps me as I can now give out multiple numbers that will all come through one cell phone. Why do they keep making it? Me seem like I did.

I'm not using these products. I would use it though. I do endorse it. If I was trying to start a business, I would, all right, but I'm not going to sit here and lie to the listeners. Um, you can have virtual answering service with multiple accents that make you sound bigger than you are transcribe your voicemails to texts or email. Basically E voice makes your life easier.

It makes a small business owner look much bigger. My favorite thing is the professional voice over actors, actors and actresses that will give you any accent you want and sound all good looking and stuff and make people want to go to your business, go to www.e voice.com slash bill burr and you can get, you can get a free six month trial of E voice. Um, and once again, lending tree, if you want to take advantage of the extremely low rates, 3.125% you can act now, um, you can save hundreds and it will take you just minutes by going to, um, to try lending tree.com.

These rates aren't going to stay like this forever. Go to try lending tree.com, complete one simple form and the network of over 200 lenders will send you four customized loan offers. You can't do any better than that. And the last two, let me just get these out of the way, amazon.com holiday shopping starting. If you'd like to donate to this podcast and the wounded warriors project, just go to bill burr.com, click on the podcast page, click on the amazon banner, anything you buy after that on amazon, they'll give me a piece.

I kicked a piece of the piece over to the wounded warriors project and there you go. And that's it. Um, okay, bill, what am I doing? I'm originally from Massachusetts. I recently got out of the army infantry and I'm now living in Hawaii. There you go. Huh? That's, that's a good deal.

He goes, it's not as good as it sounds. Okay. All right. Well, there goes all that happiness. I stayed here because I fell in love with a smoking hot local girl. She's 29 with three kids all from the same guy, but he's a fucking piece of shit in and on a jail for being a, a meth head like most Hawaiians. Anyway, sometimes I feel trapped here playing daddy.

I'm 25 years old, been all over the world, done my time in the military. Now I'm going to school to be a firefighter at a fucking college where only 6% of the people are white and they fucking hate white people. Oh, the white people hate white people, all right, but it's kind of good deal because her grandfather is a retired federal fire chief. So in a year I can be in the firehouse and I don't know what to do. She and the kids aren't too bad. Honestly, it's all fucking amazing.

But I still feel trapped in this fucking twilight zone fucking life where I've got three kids and a wife air quote. Another option is back in mass drinking beers and trying to avoid getting any felony convictions. I don't fucking know, man. Sometimes I just feel like I'm letting the best years of my life get away from me. Then I think maybe these are the best years of my life and I start crying into my fucking beer. You got any advice?

I need a new point of view on this whole thing. Thanks man. Jesus dude. This is a fucking dilemma. You gave me just enough information to still be. All right, are you going to marry this girl? Do you love her like that? When you're 35, she's 39.

You're 65, she's 69. You know, is she going to have any more kids with you? How many kids do you want? How many more kids does she want? You know, they got fires in Massachusetts too, you know, so you can always be a firefighter wherever the fuck you go. Are you ready for all of this? This is what you got to ask yourself.

You know, it sounds like you're pretty happy you're living in a paradise. You know, with those volcanoes there, you're always going to have work. There's always going to be some fires, right? You know, when the dollar collapses, well, there's still a zillion people there. You can still have some shit going on. Yeah, dude, this is up to you. I hate to say that. I mean, when I was 25 years old, I was not ready to be living in Hawaii with a woman

four years older than me with three fucking kids. I was not ready to do that. So I understand if you're feeling shit like that, I definitely get that, but I also hadn't traveled the fucking world, fought war and done all the stuff that you've done. You've lived way more life than I have at 25. So yeah, you just got to ask yourself those questions. What the fuck do you want to do? You know, smoking hot local girls, 29, you got three kids, you're on the fucking beach.

Why don't you make friends with Woody Harrelson and get some fucking weed? I'm sorry, dude. I don't know what to tell you. This is one, you know what? You're going to have to be on your own in this one. This is too big a fucking decision, too big a decision. I would just say, do I love this girl? Is she the one?

Or am I just here because she's fucking smoking hot and you know, doesn't have any tan lines. That's what I would ask myself. All right. That's the podcast for this week tonight. I am flying to Sydney, Australia, 14 fucking hours. Hopefully there'll be no airborne gonorrhea on the fucking plane. Fuck me. This is going to suck.

But once I land, it's going to be awesome and I'm going to fucking, I'm going to have great shows out there. I'm really excited. I got three nights of shows as far as I know. I think they're all sold out. And so thank you for all the podcast listeners out there and Sydney for stepping it up. And oh, and also another thing about rugby, I've got some guys sent me a story. Some guy lost his ball in the first half of the rugby game and he played the rest of the

fucking way. Whatever. All right. I would put the way the NFL used to be up against rugby now. My buddy Joe Bartnick who's got a new CD coming out is going to be on hyping his CD here in a couple of weeks when he releases it said the funniest thing to me said, if you want to watch how NFL football used to be, watch SEC football. So there you go.

So if you're an old fucking NFL head like me and you're a little disappointed with the escort that the fucking cornerbacks do now as they run down the field and how you can't block a fucking quarterback after you just threw a fucking interception and he's basically trying to make a play. Uh, SEC football, pick a team, Alabama, LSU, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, Vanderbilt, Tennessee, Arkansas, Miss Sip, Miss Sip, Stite. Who the fuck did I forget? Kentucky.

And somebody fucking else. Auburn. War Eagle. They're all fucking great. Great to watch. That's it. That's a podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves.

I'm bringing my mixer all the way over to Sydney, Australia. We're going to have great time out there and we'll give you some photos and all that type of shit. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Please watch Night of Too Many Stars this week on, um, on Comedy Central and thanks to everybody at inside the NFL.

I had, I was a dream come true to be able to do that show and, um, for all fans of that show, um, I can't tell you how, how hilarious everybody was. It was such a good time. Just the ball breaking that those guys do. It's just like you're in a locker room. You know, that's all they do is give each other shit. And when we would be in between segments, you know, they were like, just egging me on. Give us more shit.

Give us more shit. I just totally just couldn't have been nicer, uh, which ended up being great for me because I really didn't even feel worthy to be on this show. So thank you to those guys. Um, and that's it. That's the podcast. All right. Go fuck yourselves.