Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-15-18

Episode Date: October 15, 2018

Bill rambles about the NFL, epic sports bar guy, and afternoon delights.

The Leise presents Kokme with your My The Leise App From now on, it's for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheap for those who like something different or like classics Oh yes, there was a spaghetti bolognese with delicious veal Download the My The Leise App and Kokme Yes, great! The Leise, along with the Gleven

Echo, Echo, Echo I am in New York City, everybody I am here for the next two, three days I'm doing a bunch of press to promote my show at Madison Square Garden on November 7th of this same year of our lord and the Chinese chicken whatever the fucking Chinese, whatever it is Is it the year of the monkey?

That was the year I was born I was born the year of the monkey, you know? I find that very offensive I am not a monkey Yeah, I am, I'm a dancing monkey I was born in the Chinese New Year of the dancing monkey Shanghai shit joke Sorry, I'll do a little ration right there, didn't my work

Anyways, what's good? Could I be having a better sports weekend? I mean, I gotta tell ya If I'm filthier, I gotta be pretty fucking happy with what I saw last night on the fucking boob tube You would think You would think that I would be excited last night that my new England Patriots

that I would be excited that they knocked off the undefeated Kansas City Chiefs Okay? Now, obviously I am happy that we won the fucking game but if somebody's gonna sit there and tell me that that's what a football game is gonna look like in the future, I don't even know what that was like watching two people play in Madden football

You know what, it reminded me of the Super Bowl last year where there was just no defense and you know who likes shit like that? People who aren't fans of the fucking game I just, you know Tyree Kill, everybody How many fucking times was he gonna... Was he gonna catch a fucking ball?

It was like that when Tom Brady goes down leads us down like he always fucking does for the go-ahead score All right? Tyree Kill, number 10 in your fucking playbook in your program A fucking accountant who doesn't watch sports

would be like, hey, you know I don't wanna come off like a know-it-all I barely watched this game but I'm gonna say you might wanna cover that number 10 guy My home comes up to life The guy goes out untouched Running across the middle of a fucking NFL defense

Unfucking touched Tra-la-la catches the fucking ball I don't know, I was in a sports bar was it 60, 70, 80 fucking yards Untouched Who would have thought that Patrick Showtime, my home

was gonna go to fucking the guy he'd been going to who had been killing you the whole fucking game I understand if the guy beats you I understand, everybody, yes, my best I understand that but to basically not even cover the guy I mean, I would expect to see some play like that

in Central Park watching a couple of Wall Street psychopaths playing fucking touch football that was pathetic it was fucking pathetic all right, haven't said that I love Patrick Mahomes I'm sold on the guy now, all right

I don't crown somebody king in September of their first fucking year as a starter but yes, yes fucking amazing just an amazing beast of a fucking player having said that I don't know what the fuck is going on

dude, that fucking guy in the Kansas City Chiefs were there trying to suggest that he had Tom Brady for a sack and he's like, oh, oh, oh don't hurt the quarterback and then he fucking he runs in for a touchdown it's just like

I understand, I guess, because of the concussions and the long-term effects I guess I have to adjust how I watch the game and when it comes to quarterback who's kidding who all right, those are the hot chicks okay, they're not paying a cover they're not buying a drink

you know, they're going to be sitting there looking at their fucking Instagram bored out of their fucking minds because they get everything that's what a quarterback is going to be all right, depending on what they're doing for the league because those are the ones

that bring in the money but that, you know I don't know it's fun to watch all of that offense but like watching that watching a guy sack a quarterback and then unsack him

because he doesn't want to get in trouble and then seeing that same guy who runs worse than me score a touchdown I guess was fun because I was a Patriots fan but as a fan of football I mean, I don't know

I guess, I don't know I remember a long time ago I watched an NFL film and this is before, you know they started overly protecting quarterbacks and you know leading with your shoulder which I think is a good thing

who's good who all right not to protect overly protecting the quarterbacks I don't like that at all but I remember seeing this old school football guy he played in the 1950s or 40s and they asked him

what you thought about today's NFL and this was like in the 90s and he just was talking through his teeth he's like I wouldn't watch your football game today if you fucking get your teeth you must fucking his head almost exploded

steam coming out of his ears and I was just laughing going like what the fuck is wrong with this guy and now that I am old enough to have seen the game change as much as it has I feel like I'm turning into that guy

hey Bill what'd you think about your team beating the Chiefs last night I would oh you fucking hearty you're not covering Tyreek Hill like I'm fucking dude I was in this sports bar

and the whole game it was just people screaming oh my god oh my god oh my god it was like they were watching an eight year old try to land a jumbo jet

was the energy in the fucking room you know which I guess is great oh by the way epic fucking sports bar guy I really learned how much people hate the fucking patriots

with the fucking they hatred this guy had dude he literally got he got thrown out of the bar like he was fucking Earl Weaver it was like I swear to god it was like watching a baseball manager

get ejected he got thrown out of a sports bar not for fighting because how much he was yelling at the fucking TV like completely lost his composure I saw so much of me in this guy but it's like

I do it in private I do it when I'm driving a car or when I'm at home with my wife which is why you know she fucking you know doesn't like me no she likes me but I mean

I'm tough to live with this fucking guy was like when the you know patriots went out big right 24 to whatever you know when the chief started coming back this guy

like he just fucking lost it he like the whole night was fucking hilarious because I went in there with a friend of mine and we were we were meeting another body of mine

and I was texting him going hey man we're almost here all right we're you know we're pulling up and he's like cool cool right so I go in there I don't see him so I'm like oh shit that's weird

I can't believe I fucking beat this guy here so we grab a table when we out you know we got one other guy coming so we grab the four top and we're sitting there and the patriot scored a touchdown

and I just hear this fucking guy just be like yeah that's what I'm talking about America like just being an idiot and I'm like who the fuck is that jackass I look down

and it's my buddy and I'm supposed to be fucking hanging out with so maybe my friend we left and get a shit and we go over there so we sit down so that's the first clue that there was going to be

this lunacy so at that point we'd gone up like 24 to like fucking three or six or something like that it was like wow man then mop on the floor with these guys

this is crazy right and all of a sudden the chief start coming back it's like 24 13 24 20 and this fucking guy down the end of the bar man and he looked like he was older than me

you know but at this point at my age I probably was fucking five to seven years old in this guy right but um but I'm in Hollywood so I take care of myself I drink plenty of water

I use lotions this fucking guy was agent like that fucking quint in in Jaws right so he's down you know when the chief scored this the first time the chief scores he's like yeah all right

you know and then when they scored the second time he just started yelling like that's right that's right it's 2018 this is the new this is the new NFL

it's fucking over for you it is over for you he was yelling about the patriots he was so sick of them winning and and dude I'm telling you and then the patriots of course come back and match it

and you know we got a couple of pass interference calls and this fucking guy was losing his shit and just getting madder and madder and it started off where he would yell about the play and then yell about it

for three minutes and then it just was five minutes, seven minutes and then he was just yelling at the fucking TV and he had just completely lost all composure and the patriots went up

by seven again and they looked like they were pulling away he missed the whole end of the fucking game I just wish he was like it was getting you know the old me

would have engaged with this guy you know because I was having a couple of pops but I was kind of like you know older and wiser you know when the chiefs went up by three points

and he was screaming this is the new rule blah blah blah I did one point one point yell down and I went regular season because he was starting to annoy me

and then he just completely like I said he was just yelling like I mean the only thing was missing was this guy like just if they had a home plate on the bar room floor

and he could have just pushed the dirt all over it I mean he completely fucking lost it and was just going yeah fucking I need a fucking referee and that fucking Pittsburgh game

and I have fucking motherfuckers this is fucking bullshit and everybody in here knows it he said that everybody in here knows it and I was just I was like

yeah I was just like is that what I look like I asked fucking I'm this guy but he took it to a next and like the next level you know what I mean well you thought like

you know it was like I was fucking Michael Jordan of losing my shit you know and then along comes Kobe Bryant you're like oh wow I thought that's not a good

comparison because he wasn't better I don't know Dan Marino right that's not a good comparison because Dan Marino would have thrown for 6,000 you know whatever you're a fucking holofamer you put up all these fucking numbers

no one's ever going to catch this guy and then all of a sudden you see yourself get talked you're like wow man records really are meant to be broken even the ones no one wants to break so I guess they had been warning the guy

because it got to the point where it was kind of like he basically turned everybody into the bar into like his kid and he was the dad driving the car and everybody was just sort of looking around like

dad's really getting worked up today huh and he was with this woman and she was just smiling looking down at the bar I mean she couldn't have been with him she would have she would have been mortified I don't know or she's just the biggest saint ever

and she's just what I like I like a passionate fella so anyways the bouncer comes in and literally just taps him on the shoulders like you have to go and he put his jacket on he didn't resist on any level but he never stopped yelling

and screamed the whole way out of the bar it was like it was literally like performance art and everybody in the bar just had like such like a funny attitude towards it there was no none of that fucking shit that goes on today where that triggered me and this is a safe space

it was none of that people were just laughing just watching like one of the most epic fucking frustrated sports fans I've ever seen I mean I actually started

I tried to start the slow clap when he was being escorted out you know I just felt like the guy he deserved a round of applause I've never seen anybody like you know back in the day they came up with something in the 70s

because people were were throwing shit at their TVs and they were breaking them while they were watching television so somebody invented like this thing it looked like a brick but it was soft and you could throw it

but this you know eventually that went away because the satisfaction is the sound of glass shattering you know of breaking the thing

that's making you that's either you know is not working for you speaking as a person with the temper, right you want to you want the inanimate object to pay

which is why I remember a long time ago when this actor I'm not going to say his fucking name whatever but he was trying to call his wife and the fucking phone wasn't working

and he called down to the hotel the front desk and they couldn't help him make it work so he ripped it out of the wall and he went downstairs and he threw it

he threw the phone at the fucking guy you know like I got a little cut on his head and shit but I got to be honest with you like as much as he shouldn't have done that I can't imagine

the release that that must have been how sad it is he literally took the thing that wasn't working and he threw it at the person that couldn't help him make it work I mean that is just like

you know two for two right? that's like pitching a perfect game in anger so anyways hats off to that fucking guy hats off to Patrick Mahomes

he's fucking amazing chiefs have a great fucking team but like you know I don't know how anybody thinks either one of those teams is going to win the fucking Super Bowl you can't they both let up 40

was it 40 and 43 points and everybody's I remember seeing that back in the fucking day like that was how the dolphins never won when they had Dan Marino because they had no fucking defense

it was just like alright dad you know we're going to give up 35, 38 points do you got 40 in you again today? he had to go out and score fucking 40 points so he could win by two or three

those teams never won Super Bowls and to this fucking day he gets shit for it like they blame the one guy who wasn't a problem they blame the fucking guy that got him to as far as they could fucking go

before they would run into a fucking great defense which would you know knock down whatever Dan was going to do by seven to ten points but his shit defense would still give up

the fucking 35, 38 points and then they'd lose and then everybody oh Dan Marino the big one you know fucking Joe Montana couldn't win the big one with those fucking defenses

I mean how many times you got to watch sports defense wins championships okay I don't know what the fuck everybody's so excited about last night's goddamn game watching two teams giving up 40 points

I can't wait to you know come play off Tyre come play off play off right anyway so meanwhile on a TV screen right next to it was the Red Sox and the Astros

now I was out doing spots so I missed like the first half of the game by the time I came in it was five to four I don't know how price looked or whatever I got to go read some shit on it

but I think he left at five four so I believe if Kimberle hadn't let that run in to make it seven to five I used to know how this works I think he would have got the victory

so if that is the case then he kind of got screwed out of a win last night but I got to tell you the Astros fucking let us up off the mat because obviously going up 2-0 was huge

but the thing was they beat sale and that's what the Yankees had to do they had to beat sale because then you get the price and price has not won in October so you basically got yourself

two fucking wins and for the Yankees they got the first two out of three that they needed and even with the Astros if you win the first two fucking games the other team has to win four the next five

and you just have to go two and three see it's all about the math so I did not have high hopes for how we were going to look against the Astros and how game one went down

was how I thought the series was going to go down but after watching last night I was like alright you know this is the fucking Sylvester Stallone he ain't so bad he ain't so bad

but they are an incredible fucking team so we shall see hey who's that bearded guy with the Bob Stanley body that we have in middle relief that guy's been doing alright when I saw him

I had flashbacks to 1986 with Bob Stanley running out of the bullpen I mean that fucking guy I swear to god like he had like a cop body like a stereotypical like bad cop

I don't mean crooked cop I mean like you know just you know he just keep every year he just order a bigger uniform you know one of those fucking guys and then just coming running out you know

his skinny fucking legs and his flabby fucking I mean how are you like a professional athlete and then you can't take your shirt off at the pool you know it's just fucking unbelievable to me that's basically the body that guy had so old muffin top Johnson whoever the fuck we have

on coming out in middle relief that guy he's just been aces he's been fucking aces and Kimbrel just you know you die a thousand fucking deaths with that guy it's just like he's gonna let in at least one run is what I've just come to expect and

the shit that I say when he's out of this motherfucker this fucking hook arm son of a bow you file yeah of course of course you walked him right the second he gets in the game I stand up and I just start pacing and I know that like I'm also a lunatic

but I hats off to that fucking guy like that guy last night he's one of those grown men that when his team finally wins it like he's gonna fucking cry like he's like this is the new NFL like how much it meant to him for his team to win

and how sick he was of the Patriots just fucking getting all the calls and all the shit that you say about all the all the fucking great teams I've fucking been there and I was just to watch it I really learned a lot about myself it's very rare that you see two exciting games like that and then somebody's behavior

is at the same level I mean all three of them were aces but Jesus Christ is that my home's kid good my god I wish that Monday night guy didn't fucking hype him up so much and make me a fucking contrarian like tap into that shit

it's like can you just let me watch him be great and then I can say he's great rather than you spoon feeding what I'm supposed to be I hope you realize what you just saw alright buddy dial it down it reminds me of like when that woman with the Yankees the Roger Clemens called Roger Clemens is

oh my goodness gracious both of them should be doing wrestling by the way I want to thank everyone that came out in Saginaw, Michigan first of all I landed at the airport and I swung by the old address where my great grandparents lived

they had a house and my great grandfather evidently dug the basement by hand stubborn German guy right and by the way I don't know how the fuck you do that without your house falling down into the hole I would imagine you'd have to start in the middle

of the room work your way out and then pick one side you know and as you started to do it you have to put something underneath the fucking foundation because I wouldn't feel safe going within two feet of whatever dirt the fucking foundation was sitting on I don't know how the fuck you do that

but my buddy was laughing because we so we showed up to where the house was supposed to be the address and there was no house there anymore it was in fact a lot in that area you know the houses obviously my great grandparents lived there 100 fucking years ago so

the house is no longer there it's not like it was knocked down they put up something new it was just like an empty lot and my buddy was joking being like well you know your grandfather dug a basement here maybe that's why the house isn't here anymore but I gotta tell you man

that theater that I played in the sound in that theater was incredible it was just it was such a live theater it was incredible I was like wow man this is another one you could take the fucking special in here

and the crowd was awesome and you know I was teasing him about fucking being farmers and all of that dumb shit that I do we were driving right down to Ann Arbor for the University of Michigan, Wisconsin

Badger game the next day and we meet some buddies in a bar and all of that shit by the way yes sober October is just out the window for me it's not happening alright I'm having a bad year next year next year I'll win the title so anyways

I was saying in my head alright I usually do like upwards of 90 minutes I'm probably gonna do like an hour and 15 jump in the car and we'll get the fuck out of here and all that shit and I had such a good time I ended up doing like an hour 30 an hour 35 ended up going out doing like

the meet and greet thing and but it still all worked out because we found this bar that was open till 2 in the morning and me and my buddies you know Verzi Bartnick and our two other buddies that we go to the games with every year

we were having such a good fucking time just laughing it's like the most laughs I've had on a weekend just laughing our fucking asses off just breaking each other's balls and we were just having such a good time and we were so excited about the game the next day you know like all the people that worked there

they just start liking you then they were coming over and you know next thing you know the bars closed they're like alright let's just go downstairs because it was a downstairs area so we don't get in trouble from there to like fucking 4 in the morning so thank god it was a 7.30 game

so the next day we fucking wake up and um we go out to go get some meat before we head over to the tailgate and meet a bunch of other friends you know some of my relatives and all that shit to tailgate

before we go into the fucking big house right this is my weekend ridiculous right so we go out to this place to get something to eat man and I'll tell you like when I tell you everything was just okay

it was almost like that almost tasted good you know how long it took for the food to get out they didn't clear off any of the fucking plates it was so fucking funny like this it was just one of the worst run places I've been to in a long time and like I remember at one point

I just saw this random you know person who worked there go by and I just say excuse me can we get our can we get our check she's like you're gonna have to ask your server and I don't know who that is and I'm looking at her like

well go fucking find out and then you know of course she doesn't I finally see our server and I do that excuse me the people over there trying to say that you're somebody are you somebody are you

are you Bill Maher that's what she said which was so fucking perfect cause the food all the food was almost good and then she almost recognized me and almost got my name right so we were fucking crying laughing

about how they just kept almost and then she goes what is your name I go Michael and she goes Michael who and I go Strayhand and then afterwards I go no no no I am I go

actually Bill Maher does and she goes alright she goes so who was the guy you said you were I said Michael Strayhand he goes I used to play for the New York Giants now he does one of those morning talk shows and she goes oh what so like you think that you know because I work in a sports bar

that you just gotta say like sports person's name that's kind of stereotypical isn't it and I looked at her like am I getting like me too right now like what the fuck kind of energy is that you know really that part was like fucking annoying to me

like how fucking fully yourself are you you know do you think that's all I am as a person it's like I don't even fucking know you the only reason why I said Strayhands cause I didn't think there would be a follow up question to Michael that was the first name I thought of anyway so I did stand up last night at Gotham Comedy Club and I was having a great time

until I started making fun of women and then everybody just fucking pulls back it's one of my issues with fucking doing stand up in New York City now is everybody is so air quote woke it's like you it's like doing stand up at a fucking woman's college I feel like I'm performing in front of old people on a cruise ship and you look at them

and they're like half my age and they're borderline fanning themselves and you're just looking at them like guys I'm 50 you should be shocking me I'm telling you this fucking generation it's not millennials it's a generation that you know what is it Z whatever the fuck they call these fucking people

the level of midlife crisis that these people are gonna have it's just gonna be off the fucking it's gonna be off the fucking rails so anyways after crying laughing the night before we were in this place

we were calling it the almost something or other just crying laughing it's just how poorly run the fucking thing was right then we're out in the parking lot we're trying to decide are we gonna Uber over there

because Uber is just taking forever to call or whatever and so we finally decided we're gonna Uber and we just started singing this Bruce Springsteen song just just trashing each other you know that my whole time

we just kept doing that we were making fun of Barton because he was driving Joe can't see shit he's like far sighted so he could see the fucking big house from Saginaw but he couldn't see the car fucking two feet in front of him and would drive and it's raining out

and Verzi's in the backseat like a quiver in his voice the entire fucking time and I've resigned myself to the fact that we're gonna die and Paul was mad at me that I didn't get as upset as he was it's just like dude we're doing 80 miles an hour with the guy who can't see in the rain

so what am I Jack Ryan am I gonna fucking reach over and grab the wheel it's like we're either gonna live or die you know we're not walking away with severe injuries this is gonna be a fireball death laughing so we just

were singing I can't remember it was Joe Bartnick he can't see shit changing lanes in the rain I can't even do it anymore I fucking shredded my voice doing it just trashing each other

and it just went all around Paul Verzi and the whole fucking thing and then they sang one about me and we're just drinking in this parking lot laughing like the whole weekend it just was one non-stop

fucking laugh then we get to the tailgate my buddies are on this golf course and I have the Uber drop us off on the other side of the golf course we had to walk like 10 fairways and you know the ball breaking started by the second hole

and I'm like I think it's over the next till yeah Bill it's over the next till like where the fuck are we you know I believe there was a Magellan reference I can't even remember we're just fucking laughing right and we finally end up finding finding

the tailgate we're throwing the football around we're playing that beanbag toss game or whatever that one of the guys there he made his own he built it from hand and then he had in the hole he had like lights around the hole

on the inside it was just like to a whole other level and it got really fucking competitive and Verzi and this dude Al that we go with they would like the two best I'm like you guys are the dream team you got to take down the dentist because this kid who was a dentist was the guy who fucking

built the thing himself cornhole I believe is what the fucking game is called and it got to the point everyone was just so fucking into it right and I sucked at it like I just kept going for the hole I never got one to just

you got to have that Robert Parrish foul shot arc to your shit so anyways we were standing there were playing and all of a sudden this fucking guy people kept walking between us throwing we were taking our time letting people pass and one guy I swear to God looked like the dude from

fucking Radiohead he just comes walking up and he's fucking hammered real slowly and then I tried to grab one of the bags out of my buddy's hands and he was sort of a Midwest guy so they you know those guys they got like a long fuse Midwest people but you know when they snapped forget about

it because they like had to pick up tractors when they were kids so they fucking squeeze you to death so he kind of chills out and I got the east coast short fuse so I just didn't like it because he wasn't saying anything and he was just staring that kid down so I just looked at him as a 50 year old man at a

tailgate I looked at him and I said the fuck is your problem like like I'm going to roll around on the grass with this guy with my fucked up shoulder my 50 year old body right not even not even thinking oh I've been P90X'ing have you Bill you're half a century old keep your fucking mouth shut

and drink your rolling rock but I didn't so what the fuck is your problem so he's walking away and he's staring at me and I'm fucking staring at him and I'm like going I'm about ready to get into a fight why I got a kid

like what am I doing but like I'm not going to fucking look away from this fucking guy because as much as I'm thinking that I fucking hate this kid right so he's staring at me he's staring at me and

he won't stop staring as he's kind of walking away and he's just as he's getting into a distance of like alright I think he's just going to bluff his way out of this he fucking walks into an empty chair of somebody else's tailgate

and when I tell you it took like nine seconds for this guy to slowly it was like somebody chopped down a redwood how long it took for him to fall and all the tailgates because they were kind of watching it the whole thing transpire like three tailgates as this guy falls

everybody were like hit the ground and everybody's dying laughing and then he stands up and he's still staring at me like you ever see a drunk guy fall down but he doesn't spill any part of his beverage that's what he was doing

but with like a stare down he had a cigarette that's what he had and he fucking hits the ground and he's still staring at me that radio head with one fucking eye more open than the other one and then he puts a cigarette in his mouth and as he's getting up he's still staring at me

and he grabs the chair and for half a second I'm like the second lunatic is going to throw this chair at me and he just stood the fucking thing up and then looked at everybody and did a giant wave like it was the end of the performance and I want to say he got an applause

break and he walked away so now we're all once again crying laughing fucking crying laughing just having the best time ever then we end up going into the game you know I'm a couple of heaters in here so this is when it becomes like the slide show right we're at the tailgate

now we're getting checked by security so we're fucking going into the big house and I'm telling my buddies I'm like dude it's not going to look like anything as you're walking up to it like two thirds of it they dug it into the ground it's when you go in there you see the fucking magnitude of this fucking place it's going to be unreal

so we walked in there and one of my buddies I don't know how he did it but you know there's no booze in there he snuck an entire fifth of crown royal I mean like like the one Keith Richards would

take a swig out of sit down and he just pulls it out and the people behind us laughed it was so fucking ridiculous that he got it in they were just laughing at Jesus Christ they started laughing and we just shared it with everyone

around us so then we were sort of like surround it was like when you play chess and you build a castle we did that with drunk people around us and it was fucking cold out and we just kept everybody warm and just proceed

and then the fucking pregame thing started I'm trying to find the video they have James Earl Jones do it and they're like we are the Michigan Wolverines we've won more games than any other college football team blah blah blah

and then at one point he goes we bow to no one and we were just laughing like dude I'm ready to run through a fucking wall and then the Wolverines kind of running out we were sitting right on the 50 yard line like 12 rows up we weren't too low it was like depth of perception

we were sitting perfectly and they all just come fucking running out one whole side of 100,000 people is screaming go and then the other side would go boo it was fucking just got chills

and then the game started and fucking Michigan had their way with them thank God because I did not want to see them lose they were running out and they would have ruined the experience I always would for the fucking home team

unless LSU is playing then the game was great I mean it sucked if you were Badger fans because they kind of just had their way with them but it was such a fucking like an amazing experience and the amount of laughs that we had

I really think like we were all sitting there talking going I think that was the best one I'm calling it right now next year last year when we went we went to LSU Florida Gators and it was just so fucking

hot out that it was almost impossible to enjoy yourself it was fucking ridiculous so I think next year we're going to try to go to Clemson I think we're going to try to go to Clemson or something like that we're going to try to knock out all those ones

that are in like hurricane you know part of the world just so you know with global warming and all of that shit we want to try to knock those out before those stadiums are under water so it's so sad but you can't do anything but laugh about it right

oh I got a Texas person back I'll be there I'll be there around 12, 15 there we go there we go alright

let me do a couple of reads here let me do okay here we go oh my bookie everybody oh Jesus Christ by the way how bad were my picks one of my locks of the weeks was the giants take the giants with the points at home

holy shit sorry although I might be good at picking games the opposite I want to say a couple of them came in I think I went 2 and 3 I think it was more like 1 and 2 I picked 3 games so either 2 and 1 or I went 1 and 2

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alright let's get into some of the questions here for the week oh here's some upcoming dates Baltimore Maryland October 18th this Thursday I'll be at the the Modell model Lyric early show is sold out late show take

tickets still available Atlantic City New Jersey Borgata resort October 19th two shows Phoenix Arizona October 26th America Theater um evening show says sold out

stand up live mm oh I'm doing a I'll I'm doing a live podcast once again the only time I've ever done it before was the same place stand up live Monday morning podcast taping there's still a few tickets still available um

New York City Madison Square Garden I'll be there November 7th and Chicago November 8th through November 7th I'll be tickets still available for the late show on the 8th um oh my god the late show so I'm doing two shows Jesus Christ Chicago all you guys

always supporting me man I really appreciate that alright let's get into some of the questions here for the week alright sociopath island you'll Billy one punch check out psycho pass it's an anime show about the same idea you had last week throwing all the psychos on an island

um hey you know what man I gotta fight I actually just watched the uh I watched the clip of that I think I'm gonna get into that show um as far as I can tell because there's no talking or anything there's no dialogue and it looks like there's a group of people who aren't sociopath

and for some reason they have to go to so psycho island and fucking maybe rescue somebody um I don't know but it's definitely interesting and as always uh I came up with a great idea that not only did somebody else already have they've already developed it

um that happens to me all the time and the worst case of it was the time when I wanted to do a parody of a drum instructional video and someone's like somebody already did that I was like you gotta be fucking kidding me for an armorson alright dude you called

it DNA uh yo bill listening to the throwback last week and you mentioned how even if you don't bank online your shit is online anyways that was 2010 now you're coming down on ancestry DNA test and I think history is going to repeat itself

this article basically says that even if you don't send your DNA into the internet they will be able to deduce all of your DNA info anyways yeah they need like 6 million people they're halfway there all felons you know have to give up their fucking DNA and then all these

fucking mouth breathing fucking morons who just trust people are sending in their fucking saliva to the fucking internet it's so stupid the article says once the registry reach 3 million oh okay I was wrong they'll be able to identify the people

who haven't sent in their DNA currently they're at the 1 million mark dude you called it yeah and it's like what are they gonna do with it like the fact that you're gonna sit there and you're gonna depend on all of these fucking people to do the right thing I mean look

what's going like everybody knows what the fuck is going on in the world right now but you can't really talk about it because they got the game so sewed up that you're viewed as like a sociopath or fucking un-American if you even remotely criticize what the fucking people who are making tons of money

off of other people's misery are and they're just gonna have you it's gonna be game set fucking match and I'm not even gonna read that article because it's gonna be so fucking depressing because people are just they're just gonna keep doing it yeah it's just gonna be like I think it all

ties into how people that are in control if they're doing wrong things it makes you paranoid and you cannot have enough information on people and then also there's no fucking way that these people when they go to those

Bilderberg fucking meetings there is no fucking way that they are not having hardcore you know I need to go to the hotel bar after this and fucking drink this meeting off talks about the population problem and climate change there's no fucking way that they're not

talking about that shit and how the fuck they're gonna handle it and how they're gonna survive and who else they're gonna determine is gonna survive and that God has put us in power we have to make these tough decisions which I mean I like I have a solution on how you

could fucking solve those problems but you know I don't know so I think they're trying to get as much information so they know you know I think once they get everybody microchipped then that's when they're gonna start fucking thin in the herd and they need

to do it quick and this right here this train of thought is why I don't watch the fucking news because that's everything that's going on and everything that they're showing that's what I can't even watch the weather channel anymore I'm just like dude this is like this is a fucking done deal

this is over anyways buying a car hey let's get back to some fucking bread and circus here buying a car dear Billy Baldwin hey Bill first I just first just wanted to say thank you for your show you put on in Springfield it was fantastic and definitely would love to see you come back

sometime I had a great time too thank you I always listen to the podcast on my bus ride to school anyways I am a sophomore in high school and I just received my permit ah good for you man that's a big day I have a job and I'm saving up for a car I was wondering what your first

car ever was and what kind of car would be good for a first time or like me and what should I look for when buying a car that would be beneficial thanks to go fuck yourself I had a 1983 Ford Ranger 4 cylinder 5 speed overdrive

black vinyl seats fire engine red the long bed there was not 2 wheel drive nothing cool about it but I only had 19,000 miles on when I bought it so it was definitely reliable I paid 5 grand for it

I went out and got a loan and with the job so you know I got a loan I established credit and that type of shit still remember it was Danvers savings bank one Conan street Danvers mass something something something and my payment was

$138.63 I still fucking remember that so if I was you you're obviously going to buy a used car I mean I always loved the Hondas and the Toyotas back in the day because those engines would just last forever I don't know

what they're doing now but I remember I I got some acting work and I made some money but I've always been a frugal son of a bitch so rather than buying a new car and like the late 90s I bought a 1988 Honda Accord LX 5 speed

4 to a 5 speed and I fucking love that car it had 100,000 miles on it when I drove it and that fucking thing could cruise at 100 miles an hour still no fucking problem it was such a well-built car so if I was going to go used you know you got to be

you got to be careful with whatever the flashy cars are like when I was a kid everybody would try to go out and buy the Bert Reynolds fucking trans in with the screaming chicken of the flaming eagle whatever the fuck they called it on the hood and you just had to know that those cars were

they were driven like a sports car fucking burnouts and neutral drops and all the shit that people used to do trying to do the Jim Rockford backing it up and whipping the fucking front end around so I don't know

and I also like having a 4 door car because I used to like heading out with my friends everybody could pile in and you know all depends on what you're looking for but I would definitely I would get something that is that has the reputation

of lasting rather than I don't know I mean you do want something kind of cool try if you can blend both those worlds something kind of cool looking but also is going to last I would get something like that and you know if you have to take out a little bit of a loan you know you already got a job

that's fucking cool you established credit you pay the fucker off and then you know then you're into that world right learn about money and all of that shit all right Halloween costumes I

got to wrap this up quick here because I got to quit running here dear Billy dear Billy's the dear doctor Billy Stein I have a two year old daughter congratulations as well and I'm starting to remember all this fun stuff we do this autumn season jump and pile as a lead watch

Halloween movies and try to scare the shit out of ourselves by running through the woods at night I don't think I've ever heard you recall any favorite Halloween costumes or Halloween memories the you and me I have any place plans to dress up your daughter also if you had a professional costume and makeup team

what would you go for is Halloween at this point in your life PS nothing goes better with the cigar than Apple Cider nothing really really well it just so happens I know somebody who makes Apple Cider

who also happens to be one of my favorite dramas of all time Tim Alexander from Primus he has his own Cider what the fuck is it called again he just fucking asked me if I wanted some too and I told him I can't I'm fucking in sober October

which I was and now I'm not let's see Tim Alex and their Cider the shit is if you're into fucking Cider man okay herbscider.com um

what do we got here here we go yeah it's called Herbs Cider it's hard Herbs Cider is a craft Cider produced by world renowned drummer Tim Herb Alexander and his wife Shama created their first batch

of Cider in their garage in the fall of 2016 yeah dude he gave me some of that stuff it's fucking delicious and then I brought he gave me a whole case of it so I brought it down to the comedy store and gave it out to a bunch of comics and everything was just like kind of fucking went nuts for it so anyways um let's get back

to the Halloween stuff okay what are you asking me do I have any plans to dress up yeah I usually dress up like John Bonham or a fucking you know maybe I was gonna go as Vinny Paul this year you know just as he passed away

this year or something like that and as far as our daughter my wife was talking she was gonna dress her up like Bruno Mars because our daughter has like curly hair she's so fucking cute it's ridiculous but uh at the last second she went to the costume place

and she got us all like matching like skeleton costumes which I thought was a little hacky going out when she told me the idea but then I saw them they're really fucking cool and it's gonna look cute you know we're having a Halloween party every year so we have

a bunch of kids come over so I guess I couldn't dress up like something too scary and I guess if I dressed up like John Bonham or Vinny Paul they wouldn't know who it was and it probably just looked like a scary fucking guy um so anyways

um did I answer your question I don't even fucking know I was thinking about smoking a scar drinking some fucking apple cider though or underrated uh going to things by yourself uh no girls no friends no family no problem hey there Billy

freckle glutes hahahaha my whole life I had this dilemma regarding going to events or social gatherings alone I've even had friends say that I if you eat alone at a restaurant or McDonald's or something

that's social suicide well no one ever told me that I love going to shit by myself uh this can be really facilitating especially if your work schedule sucks you live in a town or a million other reasons but I figured but I finally figured it out who cares

half the time that you that you do have a group to go to something with people flake want to change plans times etc if there's an event you really want to go to you have to think about yourself and just go even if you are by yourself

and I write this as I'm a little nervous wanting to go to see a comedy show tonight that I have to drive a bit to that's out of the way and go there alone well I'll be honest with you I just don't sit up front if you go to a comedy show alone but other than that

there's no problem with it and then you know usually meet people you know I used to go to shit by myself all the time baseball games football games all that shit except I wouldn't talk to anybody because I was a fucking lunatic anyways I say this constantly having to deal with the issue

including your tours some very good friends dropped out of going to your show well I don't blame them I just feel like for me it puts you in this spot of oh now I just can't go and your instinct is that you getting that

experience is impossible what and your instinct is that you getting that experience is impossible well fuck that you might as well go because if you think of it in that way you will miss out on a thousand bill special sporting events holidays and before you know

it you're at the end of your road and have all these piled up regrets forget about the stigma of solo attending things live your life and have fun did you guys hear my stomach growling there try not to eat like a fucking asshole here

and that's all you have to say that's all I have to say about that can't wait for you you ranty bastard go fuck yourself thanks for the laugh inspiration and one more time go fuck yourself if you want to go go just because someone else can't go

I mean what are they the fucking dictator of what you go to absolutely go by yourself and then chat up a couple of ladies who you here with ah I came by myself it's actually like a fucking strong move all my friends flaked and I was like fuck it I'm gonna go and show me somebody nice

look I ran into you and then you're in right gonna find my baby gonna hold it tight gonna have an afternoon delight I came to the shit all by myself and now I'm talking to you would you like to see my dick

hey I was just fucking around please don't meet to me hey sorry um anyways would you like to see my dick I ask fucking permission why are you flipping out

please don't put that on twitter ah sorry I'm losing my fucking mind you know what I realized too I'm in my fucking fucking apartment here and people are gonna be hearing me down the hall singing about me too stuff and I don't want to trigger anybody

alright that shit alright go Red Sox go patriots Patrick Mahomes is the real deal I miss defense in the NFL that's all I have to say go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday