Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-16-17

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

Bill rambles about the NFL caring, moving your head and shoplifting.

Now at Proximus, the perfect deals, with a 1 plus 11 for 0 euro at a mobile subscription. 0 euro? That doesn't make sense. I don't want that either. Amai, do you feel my heart beating? Oh, that's a good ringtone for that new 1 plus 11 for 0 euro. Information and information at proximus.be Proximus, think possible. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 16th, 2017.

What's going on? How are you? Oh, Freckles is in a good mood. He is in a great mood. What a fucking great win. A gutty great win by the New England Patriots. Non-controversial. Nothing to complain about. I don't understand what the Jets are doing. It was clearly... Hey, the guy looked like you ever see when people joined the mafia

and they got to hold that little candle? He was doing that from one hand to another. Clearly, not a catch. He caught it and then it was a fumble. I'm fucking with you, you green cunts. I don't get it either. That looked like a touchdown to me. I wish that they called it a touchdown because then it would have been tied up and I could have watched Tom Brady go right down the field and break your fucking green hearts once again.

The fucking nerve you jet fans to act like you got fucked out of a victory. You know what you got? The refs gave you mercy. They gave you some mercy. Let's just put them out of their fucking misery. Come on, man. Think of how many of you fucking fare with the bastards because of that call. We'll be able to go down there and get to your fucking green and white high young day. Whatever the fuck it is you're driving, right? And left the stadium early because of that wonderful, accurate call.

I'm fucking with you guys. I'm just being a douche. I don't get it either. I wish it was called a touchdown. That would have been tied up. It would have been an exciting game. It was an exciting game, but you know, add to the drama tie score. Who's going to win the Jets who the Patriots have used as a fucking blow up doll for the last 15 years. They're sick of it. They're sick of losing to the... They're sick of losing to these New England Patriots, these Patriots of the Wiglet.

This is what I love. You know what was my favorite part of that game was when the Jets scored the first touchdown to go up seven to nothing. If you can look at the highlight, look in the crowd, the dude, the jet fan with the... He's got the jersey on. He's holding his smartphone and he's given double fingers at like one of the New England Patriots defensive bats. It's like, fuck you. And I got to admit, as a sports fan, I know what that feeling is like. You know, I haven't known it for a good 15 years, 16, 17 years,

but I, you know, the first 32 years of my life, 34 years, you know, depending on the sport, that's what it was. We just did not win. I saw myself back when the Patriots would always lose to the Dolphins and damn Marino. Like, we'd finally sack him. Somehow, finally sack him. And he'd be on the ground and be like, fuck you. Like, we finally got him. So, I took that as a nod of respect to the Patriots as much as... Plus, the guy, he's a real fan, man. If he gives his shit that much,

so anyways, I'm out here. I am manic right now because I am in a mild depression. I miss my family so much. I'm going to try to, and I'll get in the fly out here this week. This is fucking ridiculous. I got to see my kid. One way or another, I got to see my kid. So, I've just been fucking watching sports, everybody. That's all I've been doing. I mean, I know I always do it, but like, I literally was like, what am I going to do on Saturday?

You know, they don't shoot on weekends. What am I going to do out here? I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. So, I drove three hours up and three hours back. I went to that Tennessee volunteer game against the South Carolina Gamecocks. I missed the CX at... I went up there and it was fucking awesome. It was a great drive. If you're a comedian, you got to love driving after a while,

and you also got to love driving by yourself. If you're a comedian, you don't like doing that. You usually end up getting an acting career or a writing career, or you just fucking quit the business. I don't know what it is, but I've always enjoyed it. So, I had a great time driving up there. I never drove from Atlanta into Chattanooga up to fucking Knoxville. I want to see what it looks like. And I was driving up there. It was a 12 noon game,

so I had to leave it like fucking quarter to eight in the morning. But this is good because it's going to go all the way up there. It's going to be three hours for the game and three hours to drive back. By the time I get back, I can still do a spot down the street at the club. Ian Edwards is going to be down there. One of the best fucking comedians in the country that not enough people know about. I looked up the other day. I looked up this guitarist. I found this guitarist that, for the while, was known as the greatest guitarist nobody ever heard of,

like Danny Gotten or something like that. I got to get his fucking name right. The guy's unbelievable. Unfortunately, he's dead. But he was like a fucking, yeah, Danny Gatton, G-A-T-T-O-N. Looked that guy up. And there's a thing when he plays Austin City Limits where I'm going to bay next week. I'm at the new one, not the one he was at. They say he plays a song, they say, with a beer can. He actually does it with a beer bottle.

I've seen people do it with the slide and all that. But watch what happens because the beer gets all over like starts, you know, there's beer in there. So it starts fizzing up. It gets all over his fretboard and then he puts a towel over the fretboard to dry it off while continuing to play. I've never seen, I mean, I've seen a lot of tricks. It was fucking amazing. So Ian Edwards, I'm telling you, you got to see that guy. There's just something wrong with our fucking business that more people don't know who that guy is.

So I was like, I got to go down and go see him do a set. And plus, not only that, that'll take up my whole fucking Saturday. Then I'll stay out late enough to come home, fall asleep, boom, done, right? So anyway, so I'm driving up to northern fucking Georgia into southern Tennessee and there's all this fucking traffic. So the robot lady in my phone starts talking to me, creeping me out, telling me there's a quicker way. It's just like, how do you have time to pay attention to me? Who are you? But thank you.

So I get off the fucking road and I'm driving up north there and I went by this fucking house. One of those houses where somebody just has like 20 old cars sitting in the front yard. This fucking lunatic had like 30, not cars, he had riding mowers. Not like the landscape level ones, like the ones like your dad had. You know, you try to fucking, you know, steal the keys to take it out or whatever. You'd run over a friend of yours and he'd lose a foot or whatever. You know, that type of shit. Jesus, what's going on out here?

Oh Christ. Gay pride parade still going on. Is anything on fire? They had the gay pride parade out here. Went right by the hotel yesterday. And you know, it's fucking funny. There's always one guy who has to just ruin it. You know what I mean?

There's always one guy that just ruins it for everybody else. Like, you know, sports fans are cool. And then just one douchebag at a Panthers game has to turn around and blast a 63 year old guy in the face. Not once, not twice, not three times a day. Four fucking times. At least they caught the guy. Dude, that guy is looking, I think, at some serious jail time. Serious fucking jail time.

You know, the first two, maybe he could get some fucking, you know, Andy Griffith Lord going, well, you know, emotions were running high. Now that guy, he said a lot of names calling him, going back and forth. You know, he just, well, you got a little bit hot on the collar. Right? Maybe he could, I don't know what, just get him a couple, like a month in jail or something. It's the fact that they broke it up and he came back for those last two brutal ones. Jesus Christ.

And I hope old people learn something out there. Okay, you know, as much as it hurts your lower back, you got to keep that head moving. You can't just be a stationary target. He's goddamn old people, you know? It's like, if you want to talk shit, you got to move your fucking head. I'm sorry. Anyways, this fucking guy, he had, like, 30 riding lawnmowers sitting in his front yard. I was doing, like, 70 miles an hour when I drove past it and I wasn't going to stop

because I was worried I wasn't going to get to the game in time. And it was fucking hilarious. The ironic part was, like, the grass had all grown up around him. Like, this front yard needed to be mowed, but he couldn't mow it because he had, you know, he had all the fucking tractors. Do you get it, people? There's something, there's a joke in there somewhere. I just don't know where.

Anyways, I ended up getting up to the stadium, the Tennessee game, the place I always wanted to go to, and it was fucking awesome. And not only that, as a freckled borderline albino cunt, I picked the perfect row. I called up Stubhub and I told him, I said, I'm an old man who gets sunburned. I want to be in the lower deck right above the roof of the, you know, of the upper deck. And the lady's like, OK, well, actually, for once, I looked at the stadium map, you know, and, you know, so amazing. And I know you don't give a fuck.

You just sold a ticket to a fucking World Cup game. And I brought you into Tennessee. You don't even know where you're at. So I went with row 57 and it was the perfect row. It was the last fucking row that the sun didn't touch because I was on the visitor's side. If you ever go to the stadium, the sun creeps up the visitor's side. It goes down on the home side. So it creeped all the way up to row 56.

And at the end of the game, it was, it was on like from like mid-calf down. I fucking, I nailed it. I mean, actually, if I did 58, it would have been perfect, but it was just, it was an awesome time. One of the biggest stadiums, I believe it's the fifth largest stadium as far as the amount of people that it holds. And it's an old school stadium. Fuck, I didn't even have the nerve to go in the bathroom. I just saw this door that looked like a fucking closet door. And I was like, there's a bathroom in there.

There's no way there's not piss troughs in there. And I am not peeing in a fucking piss trough. I'm not doing it. And I got to tell you, when you're on the lower level and you're walking through there, you feel like you're in a bunker. If you're claustrophobic, I wouldn't do it. I got all these great pictures. I got to post a man.

They're just like, the stadium is so fucking cool. And I have to go there. You know, they have a decent team. I want to go there when, to an SEC game at night under the lights when it fucking matters. Underrated City, Knoxville, underrated Chattanooga, Tennessee's the shit. You go to Nashville. Nashville is like Austin, Texas, where it's just everybody's movie or Atlanta. Everybody's just fucking overcrowded and the two great cities.

So I went there, you know, the fucking band's playing. You know, there wasn't a bunch of screaming and yelling. They didn't have giant flat screen fucking TVs and explosions and shit. It was just, it was like the old school just going to a game. There was a hilarious guy in my section, which there always is. You just can't hear him now when you go to a game. There was this fucking big fat dude. Dude, there was a lot of fatties at the game, Tennessee.

What's going on up there? Lay off the fucking barbecue. Jesus Christ. I can tell why you guys love those fucking checkered overalls. Holds your fucking beer belly really nicely. This guy was fucking hilarious. He looked like he was dressed like Herb Tarlick, except it was all Tennessee gear. And he was so fucking amped up for the game and he was getting the section going and he would always get right up to the borderline.

He says, this guy fucking nuts. And then he'd look at him. He'd have this shitty grin on his face, like laughing at himself, knowing that he was nuts, that he was getting this amped up for the game. But it was a great game and I stayed till the end like my mother taught me. And it came right down to the last play. I fucking, you know, I videotaped it while I looked over so I could watch it, you know, live and not look at it through my screen. And it looks like the guy had a chance. It looked like it went right through his fingers and it didn't work.

Whatever. And then I drove fucking back. I came down here. I went down to the laughing skull and I got to watch the great Ian Edwards just fucking blew me away. I'm telling you right now, if you get a chance to see that guy live, you got to do it. You got to do it before he blows up. Hung out with him, some of his friends. Got a grilled cheese sandwich and some french fries late night.

Oh, Jesus. Just eating like a fat chicken prom night. I'm depressed. All right. Fucking dealing with this shit. So anyways, so that was that day. So then Sunday comes along like, well, how am I going to kill this day of loneliness? And it's like, oh, shit, the Atlanta Falcons are home.

They got a fucking home game. Holy shit. They're playing the dolphins. Fucking Jake Cutler. I'm going to go see. We saw them play against the Rams this year. No, the Chargers this year. I'll go down and go check up and evidently, the fucking Falcons have this new dome stadium that's going to be unbelievable.

So I was like, all right, I'll go to this fucking game. Last time I was here was in fucking 2000 and I saw Michael Vic back when he was drowning the dogs and nobody knew the most electrifying fucking football player I ever saw. Every time he went out of the pocket, the whole stadium stood up like it was the last play of a championship game and a Hail Mary was coming. Place would go crazy, right? So I'm like, I'm going to go over there. I don't have a ticket. I'll be there. I'll scalp a ticket.

I'll sit at the top of the stadium. Who gives a fuck? So I get over there and there's like no scalpers. And I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, no, no, I didn't the gay pride parade. I walked through the gay pride parade. I got to get back to the one guy who ruins it. So it's typical gay pride parade.

A bunch of people fucking rainbows on their faces, you know, a couple of guys walking around on high heel shoes. Gay pride parade. Everybody's having a good time. What's not to fucking like, right? There's always the one dude who has to ruin it. This fucking jerk off is standing there on the side of the road. He has like a fucking giant dick and balls like balloon animal. That was like three quarters the size of his body.

This giant pink erect fucking dick with balls. And it's just like, dude, these kids here, this fuck, what is wrong with you? This is what blows my mind is you're able to do that at the gay pride parade. I'm trying to think of a parade that I could go to with a giant inflated vagina with kids around. And it's just in public. I just don't think you could do it. Anyways, hey, hey, I'm trying to be progressive. God bless this guy with this giant dick and balls, like fucking twisted up balloon animal.

I actually had to wonder if that was like a plant from the religious right to show all gay people represent them as like there's just these sexually deviant fucking people. You know, like you always see those conspiracy theories that they have, you know, whenever there's a peaceful demonstration, they send somebody down there to throw a rock through a window just to get everybody going to start rioting. So they, you know, all the people protesting get to be lumped in with that one douche. So whatever. So I totally judge this guy with his giant fucking balloon twisted dick and balls going, what a fucking what the fuck is wrong? How the fuck was this guy raised? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Smash cut to me not even 20 minutes later when I find there's no scalpers and I go up to the fucking will one of the ticket windows. They say they're sold out and the only way to get a ticket is I have to go on my phone to ticket master and I have no idea how to do this. I've avoided computers. I don't know. I don't I just I'm bad with the shit. You know what I mean? You know, like, like me trying to figure out this shit is like to ask somebody like somebody tone deaf to sing a fucking song. You know, it's just you can't do it, right?

So could you tell I got a text message in the middle of that? I didn't even finish off. Whatever funny thought I was trying to have there. Mildly amusing thought I was trying to have. So anyways, I fucking get over the stadium and now I got to figure out this tick ticket master thing. So I walk away like it just like cursing my fucking brains out. Fucking goddamn fucking cocksucking buck Rogers fucking cunty bullshit walking by kids and shit. And I see parents looking at me like, dude, what the fuck?

And in the way in the back of my head is that voice of reason. Hey, Bill, Bill, there's no reason to get this to get this crazy. Come on, reel it in. There's children here. And I just did the fucking demon in me just fucking fucking fucking fucking cunt, right? So I sit down like a little fucking boy, like a little like the little fucking baby that I am. Jesus Christ, Bill, download the fucking app and figure it out. Trying to figure out it's not working.

I'm just every time it wouldn't work. I'm like, dude, what the fuck? I would literally yell that loud. People walking by looking like what the fuck is wrong with that guy, right? And finally, some 20-something security kid came walking by with his yellow coat. I was just like, dude, I'm an old bastard. I don't know how to do this. Can you help me out with this?

And he was just like, yeah, just click on this. Click on this. Click on that again. All right, there it is. There's a ticket. And I'm just sitting there looking at the thing. I'm like, this is a ticket? He's like, yeah, it's a ticket.

I go, what do I do? And he's just laughing. He goes, just bring your phone in and they scan it. I'm like, this is going to work? And he's like, yeah. So now I'm standing in line. I have so little faith that technology is going to work for me. All I could think of was Midnight Express in the beginning of the movie when the dude

has the drugs taped to him. I'm like, this isn't going to work. They're going to toss me out of the fucking stadium. And I'm going to be out this whatever, 100 bucks or whatever I paid for this ticket. And it went up and they scanned it and it worked. And I was like, wow, what the fuck? It worked. Then I was just like, well, what's, what a, how do I add this to my, all my stack of

tickets? Do I got to fucking put my phone in there now? Do I take a picture of it and then print it out on my printer? And then that's the ticket? I don't get it. So anyways, I go into the stadium and Jesus Christ, I'm telling you, you got it. Fucking go to the stadium. This is the best NFL stadium out there.

It is like, I mean, my, my top of the new ones before that. I mean, you got to go cowboy stadium, even though that TV is just so fucking big and obnoxious. It's actually stupid. They took the TV out of there, the cowboys. I think they would like, you know what I mean? The cowboy stadium is like, I don't know. You ever see like a beautiful woman that's just absolutely shit faced and she's got

like fucking lipstick on her teeth and red wine breath and just like, oh my God, she's getting, you know, and she's a 10, but you're like, get the fuck away from me. Right. That's what the cowboy state. That's what that TV is. Just fucks up the whole stadium and the Seahawks have a great stadium, even though they're cheating, making their crowd sound louder than it is. But anyways, speaking of cheaters, the fucking Atlanta Falcons, we got caught pumping crowd

noise in. So I'm at this cheaters, right? I'm in the stadium, dude. It's fucking breathtaking. It's one of the cleanest design, sickest fucking unlike Jerry Jones is going to be upset. If he had, I'm sure he's got on his private plane, you know, getting Botox injections on the way over there. I'm sure when he walked in there, these goddamn motherfuckers, right?

These goddamn motherfuckers and he probably fucking, I don't know. God help the woman that he's banging that weekend. Jerry, I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Oh, shut the fuck up, bitch. Just taking out everything on her. Dude, that stadium is fucking, I felt like I was in a spaceship. It was fucking awesome. I'm just like, you know, and it was great.

I'm missing my family. I'm down there. I'm just like, oh, good, good. Now I'm in a good mood. And dude, I am sitting at the top of the stadium and it's still fucking awesome. I was so fucking high up when the plays were happening. You could kind of just, just watch the whole defense. You know, I love doing that.

When you go to a game, when you sit up high, just watching the defense, you kind of have like in your peripheral where the ball's going. And just trying to see, you know, the linemen, if they come down and try to pick up a linebacker or something like that, or like, you know, try to figure out which receiver is open. I'm a nerd. I love doing that shit. However, I got to tell you something, man. The experience of going to that game.

I get that the NFL cares, but Jesus Christ. I think the NFL has kind of forgot that sports is like an escape. You know what I mean? Especially now with social media and all that shit, you just can't get away with all the fucking, just all the fucking shit that's going, oh my God, this, this city just got hit by a fucking hurricane. Oh my God, Puerto Rico, then why, why, why aren't they getting help out there? You know what I mean? All these veterans are coming back.

They commit suicide, blah, blah, blah, all this fucking shit. It's just, it's fucking brutal. So what do you do? You need to shut it off for a while. You go to a fucking game. But this was the experience at the Atlanta game. First of all, dude, it was so fucking loud in there. And just take all this with a grain of salt because I'm an old cunt.

All right. I get it. It was so fucking loud. They have these giant flat screens up at the top all going around in a circle and they're amazing. I don't think that they're too big and they're not hanging down in your face. They're not really that distracting or anything, but it was like the cheerleaders came out and they fucking would play in this music. I felt like I was in an AC DC concert.

It was that fucking loud. And all of a sudden like Sam Jackson, no, no, no, wait, before that, wait, before that little John and another Atlanta rapper. I mean, I'm white as shit. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. I'm sure he's great. Whatever. They did like a public service announcement on fan behavior.

All right. Which I'm sure is based off the one cunt who fucking punched the 63 year old guy four times in the face. So now we got to get a lecture on how to be human beings and they just sit there going like, you know, don't, uh, don't, you know, don't be discourteous to the people next to you. It was funny. It was really bland copy and watching little John trying to like add something to it was

hilarious. And at one point they say, don't say anything racial. I believe that's what they were saying. It was so loud. It was echoing and I couldn't hear it. And then there was something about not saying anything politically charged. Now it's just like, where the fuck am I right now? Who the fuck gives about gives a shit about politics?

I'm at a football game. Who gives a fuck? I'm trying to think back when I was a kid, when I went to a Bruins Patriots game or something like that, you know, in the late eighties, I don't ever remember anybody yelling out shit about Mike Dukakis versus George Bush senior. Anyways, let me get back to this guy real quick. Yeah. So they said today, this whole fucking thing happens and then the fucking cheerleaders

come out and they're playing some fucking crazy loud song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this fucking DJ shit. They're out there dancing, shaking their ass. I literally had my fingers in my ears like, Jesus Christ, I should have bought earplugs to this fucking thing. And then out of nowhere, Sam Jackson starts fucking screaming at everybody to get up something about the heartbeat.

You know, we got to fucking do this. First of all, it's like Sam Jackson, you're from New York. When did you start giving a shit about the Falcons? You know what I mean? I mean, you would think he had enough Capital One money to take a fucking weekend off. The guy's in Star Wars. He is like Capital One. He's everywhere you want to be, right?

This fucking guy's screaming and he's doing the whole fucking like, there's something about a heartbeat. He'd yell some shit, we got to fucking get out there. And then this giant heartbeat would go, go, go, deafening. And then they'd cut to like, you know, and when it was like beating, they would cut to like an Atlantic Falcon, like thumping his chest, mean mugging you. Go, go. And I'm just like, dude, I'm not playing.

I don't need to get this amped up. Screaming and fucking yelling. It was so loud and so fucking distracting that I didn't even notice that the fucking players had taken the field. And what alerted me that the players had taken the field was after Capital One, Sam Jackson had stopped screaming and the heartbeat had ended. All of a sudden, I hear a locomotive train horn. It just goes loud as shit.

And they kicked the ball off. So it was the cheerleaders. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I burst out laughing and the lady next to me starts laughing. And I look at her like she saw what I saw and thought it was funny and she was just laughing like the trail of tears that for some reason the NFL, I don't know what they're trying to do. I understand that there's a lot of people suffering in the world.

I get it. I do benefits. I give to charities, you know, I, I, I try to do my fucking part. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know why we can't get along. I don't know why there's disease and all that, but we, but what we do have is we have music and we have sports and it's a way to kind of get away from it, right? This is what the fuck I saw at the game.

Okay. The game starts and they have a veteran who's missing a leg runs out with the flag, okay, which is uplifting, but also depressing. He lost his leg. I'm like, oh, fuck these fucking kids, man, this whole fucking generation, generations at this point. We got to be in the second generation that's over there fighting fucking wars. Why, why, why, why do we try to solve things this way?

He's a poor fucking guy, man. He's losing all, he missed the, he's lost the leg. All right. So I'm thinking about people losing limbs in the war. The lady goes out, the lady goes out to sing the national anthem. Now it was so fucking loud when they announced, I forget where the cause was. There was some sort of ribbon and it was cancer related. So we got the one leg event and then I'm like, ah, fuck the veterans.

Ah, Jesus Christ. God, how do we get out of this fucking war? Right. I'm thinking about that. Then I'm thinking about people with cancer and then the coin toss, they bring this cute little boy out, nine year old kid or something who survived bone marrow cancer and then I start thinking, oh my God, what if my, that's horrible? What if my kid ever got cancer?

How would I handle that? What would I do? Oh my God, if my kid died, I'd fucking kill myself. I start, I'm thinking suicidal fucking thoughts here. All right. Then the fucking game starts, touch back Atlanta, right? They're playing all this shit, loud as fucking shit. And I'm trying to shake off all the misery of the world that I've been reminded

of like five different examples and then out of nowhere, this, they show this won't, they show this guy on the screen and then they show this woman who's married to the guy and she's now a widow because the dude died in, in Afghanistan. And I'm like, oh my God, she lost her husband. Oh, the poor woman that's fucking terrible. And then they cut to her wearing an Atlantic Falcons jersey with their two kids who are now fatherless wearing the jersey, smiling and waving at this giant fucking flat screen.

And all I'm thinking is like those fucking kids are going to grow up without a father. Second out in three Atlanta, right? I'm just like, what the, what is going on here? It was one of the most depressing, dude, it was like nine minutes left in the first quarter. And in case you missed the veteran running out with one leg, they fucking show that again. And all I could think at that point is like, what is the halftime show going

to be? Am I going to watch somebody die in an iron lung? Well, their family members are holding hands, crying. And then the PA announced to be like, yeah, that's right. Look at her. Look at that misery. Do you people realize how lucky you are? You don't have to spend your life in your own personal suffering and

hailing and exhaling. May Jesus Christ, NFL, why, why stop there? How about every time they fucking throw the ball, you show me the cow that was slaughtered so they could have the skin. Anytime they shoot t-shirts into the crowd. Why don't you just show me the fucking sweatshop labor that put it together? You know what it is? Caring is a great fucking thing.

But how about you pick a cause rather than they, I mean, what did they show in the, I mean, I left, I left with like five minutes left in the second quarter. It was just like, you know what, this is a great stadium. I want to be here with a friends and shit, and I'm already depressed that I'm on the fucking road, I'm missing my family. I came here to get away from that sadness and I've been reminded that I'm kind of being selfish because there's people who have way bigger sadness than they have way bigger sadness than I do.

And somewhere in all of that, I saw a balloon fucking dick and balls twisted fucking balloon animals while kids were walking by. I'll tell you, it was a hell of a day, you know? So I actually, and I saw that the jets were fucking coming at the pads and I was like, why don't I just go sit in a fucking bar and watch this thing? This is the other thing too, like, I just, I just don't. 100% buy that the fucking NFL truly cares that much. You know what I mean?

Cause, you know, they got busted. Whenever they show a veteran in the crowd, we have one of our heroes here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, the, whatever branch of the service they're showing, they have to pay the NFL. They considered a recruitment video like a, like a commercial. I heard they recently adjusted it. I don't know, but what the fuck, right? How much fucking money do you have to make?

So I believe the owners individually, I believe that they all care about these causes. I'm sure all of them have had, you know, friends or whatever fighting in wars have been touched, you know, unfortunately, had a family or a family or a friend that got cancer or something like that. But I really have to believe that just because it is a corporation and the way that they handled, then the way that they've handled their players, you know what I mean, with all the brain damage and shit, and they just fucking

ignored it allegedly after they knew about it. And then when they did the class action suit against the NFL, they basically gave every player like 800 or a thousand bucks. Um, it just comes off like a PR move, like that they feel that they can grow their brand. This is my conspiracy theory. I'm not saying I'm right. I think the NFL resents soccer that is worldwide and the UFC that started

well after them that also went global. I think they want to go global. And I think they've reached the maximum amount of sports fans. So now they're trying to grow their brand through caring. Everybody's trying to show how much they care. Or maybe it's a symptom of this fucking social media craziness where everybody's like, I don't know, just going nuts, screaming and yelling at people, um, that they try to get out in front of it and care about every cause that's out there.

I have no fucking idea. But all I know is I went to that game, you know, going, all right, let me kill a day here and forget how much I'm missing my wife and my kid. And I went there and it's just like, wow. I guess the good thing was I realized I don't have a lot. I don't have my troubles aren't as big as other people's troubles. But Jesus fucking Christ, NFL, how about you just pick one, pick one. I, you know, the Fred Sox always had the Jimmy fund, you know, they had that.

And it was, that was it. That was, I mean, Jesus, it was fucking unreal. So, um, anyways, having said that, you got to go to the state, you got to go to the stadium. All right. Um, but I would, before you go to the Falcon stadium, I would recommend you watch raising Arizona, watch something really funny, get yourself in a really elevated mood because they are going to bring you down.

They are going to bring you fucking down. Jesus Christ. You know, I'm the only thing that they will, you know, and plus it's also like what they choose to care about is really fucking like planned out to like, I'm waiting for one of those NFL teams to bring out a bunch of fucking recovered heroin addicts that got addicted through pain pills that they got through the pharmaceutical industry that is allegedly basically synthetic heroin dealers. Why don't they show that?

Oh, that's right. Cause pharmaceutical companies advertise on those network. They're not going to show that shit. They're not going to bite the hand that feeds. They're not going to go, well, why do people keep getting cancer? Why is cancer through the fucking roof? Let's look at pesticides. Let's look at what we're doing to our food supply.

Stay away from that. Stay away from that. Um, big on the military, big on the military to the point, literally of like, I felt in a way that I was sort of in like a clockwork orange and they should have just had my eyes taped open as they're selling me, you know, our foreign policy, like squirting tears into my eyes. It's just like, you know, it's like, guys, what you're getting involved with is way more complex than a football game.

Okay. So just keep it simple, stupid as people have always told me. So anyways, that was my experience. Um, overall, it was a great experience. I feel bad that I left the fucking game. My mother always taught me never to leave the game. And I left and the dolphins came back and one and, um, oh, by the way, it was another loud thing.

Anytime it was third down, this is fucking hilarious. Anytime it was third down, this fucking lunatic would just go, to get the crowd like amped up. And it's just like, dude, I have a flat screen TV in front of me that is easily two and a half times the size of my fucking house. And it says third and two, I can see it. Um, I don't know, but having said all that, um, I'm going to give a shout out here to the, whoever the fuck designed that fucking stadium.

It is unbelievable. It's gorgeous. And the college Super Bowl is there this year. She want to blow some fucking money and the Super Bowl is going to be there next year. It's fucking amazing. Um, it's amazing. And the NFL cares.

You know, it's another great one. Is Ford, Ford Motor Company. They got a tie out there where they go a hundred percent of the proceeds go to fight cancer, which is great. Cause a lot of times it's a portion of the proceeds and they keep a lot of it. So I will commend Ford for that. But what's hilarious is, is their website is something like Fordcares.com. It's like, well, it's glad, I'm glad you care about that.

Cause you certainly didn't give a fuck where you put the gas tank and the pinto and the crown Vic, did you? Um, anyways, all right, that's it. Um, I'm done with my sports rants here, but, uh, thank you to the NFL. And thank you to the world of college sports. You guys got me through this fucking weekend. The loneliness, uh, thanks to the new punchline in Atlanta. Um, I got to do a spot there last night and the laughing skull down the street.

I've been having a great time trying to stay shop with my act. And, uh, I guys, I can't tell you the name. I don't, I don't know what I can, I can't talk about the movie that I'm in, but I think, I think this one's going to be a fucking good one, dude. Uh, I, I am like really excited looking at all of like, um, the shots that the direct, I didn't want to say the director's name because I never know what the fuck he can say and can't say, but the fucking shots that I've been seeing, it's literally, I'm sitting like, dude, I'm going to be fucking

in this thing. Now watch, they're going to cut my cut, they'll cut my part out. When am I going to learn to keep my fucking mouth shut? All right, you know what? Let's, uh, let's do a little advertising here. All right. What do we got here? Me undies, everybody. Me undies. Oh, me undies. Stop showing people dying to do, do, do me undies, me undies. I'm at a football game. Why am I crying? I get that people have fucking cancer.

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What fucking big brother shit is this? I've never met this guy. Anyways, this guy said, and there's no last name. How do we know this person exists? George N. George non-existent. I decided to try out me undies because I love Bill Burr's me undies jingles. I smile every time he sings it. Somehow I feel like they clean this up. I smile.

I bet he really said, I like the way he sings the fucking songs, dude. I fucking laugh my balls off. Then they clean it all up. I smile every time he sings it. Second to three Atlanta, although it's so easy to skip ads in a podcast. I always listen to Bill's reads and I'm so glad me undies has stuck with them. I've been, it's been probably two years since I first bought a pair of me undies and now I have a monthly subscription because they are that comfortable. I swear to God, this is their copy.

This isn't me doing the like the Atlantic falcon things like, look at me. Hooking up a widow. Look at me. Look how much my listeners love my reads. Anyways, before me undies, I used to buy the three pack of underwear at retail stores. Dude, this is so edited. There's no way this was written this perfectly until I realized that I wanted to treat my junk. Oh, there you go.

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Hey, guess what I started watching yesterday on Netflix. I watched I watched the first episode of Narcos and I was funny. I tried to watch it the first time and I don't know. I think the subtitles I got intimidated because in the beginning there's this they have this whole fucking thing about magical mysticism or some bullshit like that. And it's on the screen. Whatever the paragraph is before that it goes by too fucking quick. I can't read it. And then I'm just like, okay, this is going to be the pace of the reading.

I'm not going to be able to keep up with it. Well, anyways, I'm lonely on the road. I finally figured out my Netflix account. It's fucking hilarious. I got a show on Netflix and I never watch it because I just I don't know. I just I don't interact well with computers and all of this shit. And once there's passwords, I'm going to forget the password. And then I'm going to say email me my password and then somehow it's going to end up in my junk folder and I won't be able to find it.

I just figured, you know, fuck it. I'll just put on me TV and watch the Rockford files. Right. Well, I finally figured it out and I watched the first episode of Narcos and I'm 100% in. What a goddamn show. Also, by the way, the producers of the show, whatever the production company, whatever you say is go month, which also does efforts for family. I'm fucking great today. So anyways, when I watched that first fucking episode, when he's sitting there talking to those army guys and starts naming.

Their names. Pablo Escobar is doing that and he starts, you know, just letting him know that he knows all of their families members and like basically, you know, without saying it's something bad is going to happen to him. I still don't understand why they just didn't take a gun and blow his fucking brains out. There's no loyalty in in that world. Once you fucking killed him, then all then they would they you cut the head off the snake. I know I'm over simplifying this, but I'm just saying this. If there's any DA agents that are listening here, if you just blew his fucking brains out right then and there, wouldn't all the other gangsters underneath him want to then be the next Pablo Escobar. And then they would start fighting with each other.

Wouldn't that happen and then they would have to establish then they would have to pay out. They'd have to start all over again. Like, hey, we had a deal with Pablo. He paid us off. You didn't, you know, when it started all over again and then they wouldn't have time to come after your family. I know, I know, I probably totally fucking oversimplified that fucking thing. Didn't I? All right.

How much time do I have left here? Oh, Billy's got to hit the fucking treadmill. All right. Keep his little fucking, you know, I haven't been boozing. I've been doing all right. I haven't been doing the greatest. I've been fucking, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm in a fucking mild depression right now.

But I'm going to see my wife and my daughter this week, hopefully. I'm going to get them out here. All right. Okay. Let's read some of the fucking... Oh, wait a minute. I get an All Things Comedy Festival podcast read. That's right.

I'm going to be doing my first live Monday morning podcast. This could be a total fucking train wreck. No matter what, it's going to be exciting. We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of the month. October 26th through the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast. The great legendary Doug Stanhope is doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater. Bert Kreischer, Ari Shafir, and the Crab Feast are also on the lineup.

We're taking over downtown Phoenix with the pop-up podcast studio. And the whole network is going to be there. If you're in the Phoenix area, come and hang out with us. Go to allthingscomy.com. Get your tickets. Absolutely. I'm going to be walking around fucking shaking hands, kissing babies, right? Doing public service announcements on a giant flat screen TV, reminding you that people

still get tuberculosis, anything I can do to depress you at our podcast. No, I'm not going to do that. Afterwards, I'll do a meet and greet at the end of the fucking, you know, at the end of the MM podcast, whatever the live fucking thing, you know, I'll do all of that bullshit unless I have a really bad show and then I'll just go in the back and cry. All right. Let's get to the questions here. All right.

Bill, did everyone know about Harvey Weinstein and then parentheses from a lady? All right. I don't know why he had to let me know it's from a woman. Okay. Hey, Bill, I'm a big fan of your podcast and your show I saw in Montreal earlier this year was epic. Seeing a master at work is a beautiful thing. Oh, you buttered me up.

You buttered me up. I have a lot of respect for you as a straightforward guy. Oh, look at that. This person's brilliant. She's going, you know, you're a fucking brilliant. What you do. I know that you never lie. This is great.

This is the way you ask a question. If you want to get an honest answer, you're one of the few, I'll believe unequivocally on this subject. Do you think everyone in Hollywood knew about Harvey Weinstein? I can totally understand how no one spoke out until now. He was fucking scary and clearly had the press in his pocket. I'd like to think I would have spoken out, but honestly, I probably would have put my fucking life and career on the line with little chance of taking him down.

I just wish all the stars feigning shock would just be honest and admit they knew they didn't have the balls parentheses or were too smart to step up. We'd love to hear Nia's thoughts on this. So would I, but she's not here. Congratulations on your amazing daughter. Love hearing about you being a dad. Go fuck yourself. All right.

First of all, thank you for talking to me as if I'm on the big star level. And I know what all of them think. I got to be honest with you. I didn't know a fucking thing about that guy other than he had a lot of hit movies. I came up as a standup comedian and have risen to the having a vulgar animated show on Netflix. That's that's the level I got to. So I've done some movies with some pretty big people, but his name never came up.

So if I had to guess, I imagine a lot of people knew that he fucked around on his wife. This is all speculation. I have no, but I don't know. I think the women that he did it to, obviously, you know, allegedly got to say a legend. Not trying to get sued here. It's still all a legend. He's not been convicted of anything. The 58 people that came out with the same fucking story.

It's all alleged. I'd have to think that they knew and then their friends would know. But how far it goes from that. It's it's I don't know. I have no idea. I have to be honest with you. We were in between takes and on the movie and we were shooting in this fucking really cool fucking motel man.

I felt like I was in a Cohen brother movie. So one of the rooms we had was like the little green room and they were they the story was on and these women were coming forward. And like my mouth was literally a gape listening to it. I can't I'd be honest. I'll all I can speak for me. I can't fucking believe somebody could do that and get away with it for that fucking long. I mean, and the tape of that fucking woman and how that isn't enough.

I guess because he never said yes. I grabbed your boob. I think he just keeps going like I understand. Just come inside. I'm used to this. I'm used to this. None of that is an admission. All right.

The woman just goes you're used to this. Like I don't know. I just got me on the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. And if this guy is as guilty as he looks. I'm worried that he's not going to go to jail. Because I don't know what evidence there is in the statute of limitations. You know, you're going back decades with this shit. I don't know how it fucking works.

But in a perfect world, they take him out to the desert and they put two behind his fucking ear. I mean, if he's guilty, if he's innocent, and I think I just fucked my whole career. I have, I have no idea. I don't know who knew what or whatever, but I will tell you, I've been enjoying watching Fox News having a field day with this. Trashing Hollywood. And, you know, given that guy was in the fucking hot tub with the 13 year old girl who now hides out in France giving him an award and all that. Shit. I love watching them call Hollywood out.

I love watching Hannity calling out the hypocrisy of Hollywood. You know, trashing Donald Trump for what the fuck he's doing while that shit's going on in their own town. And then all the while Hannity never bringing up Bill O'Reilly while saying that the friend. What the fuck is that guy? I was speaking his name. The French dude there, whatever the guy had now in France or whatever, saying, and they gave this guy an award afterwards. And it's just like, yeah, and you had Bill O'Reilly on your show afterward. So everybody is like, I don't know, it's just such a fucking amazing time for that shit.

Hillary Clinton complaining about the fucking electoral college while the Democratic Party went to court and admitted that Bernie Sanders got more votes. But they colluded with Hillary's campaign to be like, no, you give us the best shot, so we're going to pick you. Fuck what the people say. I don't know. I don't fucking know. And then me saying that I fucking hate listening to people to talk politics and then here I am talking it. Yeah, I have no idea who knew what, but I would definitely say that, you know, the same way like Fox News, there's no fucking way they didn't know that Bill O'Reilly was settling out of court and these fucking things. You know, there's the same way that there's no way at the Weinstein Company, they didn't know something was amiss.

I just don't, I'd be honest with you, I am as shocked as anybody else. I just don't fucking get it. I don't, I don't understand. It's just one of the worst fucking things. I don't have any jokes. It's just one of the most disgusting fucking things I've ever heard and I don't want to pay attention to the story because I don't think he's going to go to jail. And listening to his comments, he's the typical piece of shit that does stuff like that where he actually feels like the victim. You know what I mean?

He's making it about himself and how bad he feels. You know, fuck the victims, you know, whatever, the alleged victims. I don't fucking know. I don't know what people knew, but somebody knew something and they should have fucking said something. Anyways, alright, asshole neighbor threatening our dogs. Jesus Christ. Alright, dear Billy Buttertits. Hey, I'm in good shape right now, by the way.

Could you guys just insult me a little more, you know? Billy, how about Billy chiseled albino chest, you know, something like that? I'm not chiseled, whatever. I'm a lady, lady, you wrote into my fucking podcast and I love you. I'm a lady in my 20, late 20s here in the Southeast United States and I have an issue with an older male neighbor. I'll keep it brief as possible. Why am I doing this accent? This asshole keeps coming onto my property, my property and letting our dogs out of the fence.

Oh my God. You need to beat this guy in the bottom of his feet. Don't do that, by the way. I don't condone that violence is never an answer. We live next door to a busy road and I hate to think what would happen if someone came speeding down and hit one of my dogs. I have a big yard so he has to come over into our property to open the gate. He waits until we leave to do it. This is easy.

Go down to the spy shop and get some cameras because some of our neighbors snitched on him. He's an old white trash dude that sits on his porch smoking all day and he claims that our dogs bark 24-7. They don't and the rest of the neighbors have said they don't hear the barking. When they do, it's minimal. This is what I would do. I would get a lock on my fence that he can't get past and then I would go down to the spy shop and get some cameras. Then what I would also do is let him know. I would write a letter and say that that's what you've done.

God forbid he jumps over the fence, throws your dogs over and then they get hit and died. You're going to be like, well, I caught the guy but one of your dogs had to die. What you really want to do is just prevent this guy from doing it. Let him know that you know what he's doing, that you've taken these measures and then maybe he will fuck off. He wants to see a dog die and then an old guy go to jail or whatever. Just stay on your porch and be old. Get him a pair of fucking wireless headphones so he can listen to Babadubu and his fucking headphones. My question is what the hell do I do?

I've started locking the gates so there shouldn't be a problem anymore but what if this asshole tries to poison them or something? That's where the cameras come in. I'm probably being paranoid but I'm pissed off. I also have a temper which doesn't help. What do I do, Bill? You're asking a guy who has a temper who immediately suggests you beat the bottom of the guy's feet. I heard you talk about dealing with old people neighbors and I'd really like your advice. Thank you, go fuck yourself.

Yeah, he's an old guy. I would just, I would send a letter over there and say I apologize if you find my dogs annoying. Other neighbors say they don't bark that bad. Here's a pair of fucking earplugs and some old man fucking, I don't know what you give him. Give him some brats or some shit. We are now locking the fence so you can no longer go in there. And I also have a camera set up, okay? I don't want to, you know, I would just do that.

Whatever the fuck I said earlier, I would do that. And then every time you see him, even if he tells you to go fuck yourself, just smile and wave and just tell him it's nice to see you. I hope you have a wonderful day. I would just do that. All right? And then if you have a house party, I would invite him over and just try to kill him with kindness rather than beating the bottom of his feet.

All right, dating in Asia, Asia, Asia. Oh, this is interesting. I never even, I never heard about any of this. Here, Billy Meondi Stains. Ah, I like that one. Good for you. All right, I've been living in Asia for the last four years and dating has been tricky. Asian girls are beautiful kind and much more giving in bed than their white counterparts.

I don't know what the fuck that means. I'm certainly punching above my weight class here. All right, you're punching these women? I think the better thing is saying that you outkicked your coverage. Having relationships slash one night stands with a much higher quality of girl than when I was back in the U.S. Dude, this is the deal. You're over there and you have an accent.

Okay? That's it. Same way if you come over here, if you have a fucking accent, the women like it. Does that work with Asian guys? If you come over here and you have an accent with Asian women, I have no fucking idea. Anyways, however, the biggest problem is they are boring. Most spend their whole life studying until they are 26. Then they work insane hours at work and they live with their parents until they get married.

Not to mention that my sense of humor can be totally lost on someone who speaks English as a second or third language. Yeah, well, dude, you're on the other side of the world. Things are going to be different here. I seem to be stuck between beautiful, boring Asian girls and the typical basic white girl. I'd apologize for the sweeping generalizations, but you do it all the time. Do I do it like that? What a fucking cunt. Dude, can you own your cuntiness and not fucking get your fucking twat stench on me?

I know I'm a fucking moron. I don't need you to point it out. Oh, boohoo, I'm on the other side of the world fucking a bunch of hot Asian girls. You got a girl that was way too good for you, so I'd love to hear what you think. All right, I agree with that. Thanks and go have a wonderful day. I live in Korea and I love it. Didn't want to talk shit.

Well, dude, you're either going to have to accept that those are your options or move out of there. I don't know what to tell you. Do you want the entire country to change because you're there? It sounds like there's a bunch of smart women over there. They sound like they're perfect. Right? They're educated. They're working their asses off.

They're fucking, they're a bunch of animals in the wreck. What is the problem? I don't know. I don't know. I would start dating a prostitute over there if you want a little more excitement. Sounds like you're living the dream over there, buddy. If I was you, I would try to appreciate what you have. I mean, I don't, I mean, that's kind of perfect.

But she fucking blows your mind in bed and then goes off and goes to studies and then you can sit down and watch the game. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know exactly what else you want from her. But all the problems to have in the world, certainly after all the problems that I learned in the world in the first fucking seven minutes of that Falcons game. I don't, I really don't have any fucking sympathy for you. All right, heckled by veteran comedian. That's fucking hilarious.

Hello, Billy Bald Foreskin. Hey, after about two months ago, I don't know if they're making fun of my dick there or what my head looks like. But either way, it's funny. About two months ago, I gave the open mic night a try. Oh, he heckled you as an open mic. That's, that's fucking not good. I prepared for it for a while and finally worked up the nerve to do it. Had material, had some semblance, semblance of a planned attempt.

I get about four minutes into it and I'm getting laughs. Not a lot, but some in a bunch of smiles. All right, good for you. Plus even the beginning, all it's about is just having the balls to go up there when they call your name. It has nothing to do with how well you do. Anyway, so I was confident and busted out a joke that was a little racy, but nothing means spirited. No one laughed. Oh, well, I moved on.

A few days go by and I'm getting hate on Facebook for the joke from a comedian that has been working the scene for longer than I've been alive. Oh, Jesus, Jesus, really? Comic on comic violence. Ah, you hate to see it. I take what he says is wisdom, but then he tells me that you shouldn't ever say anything on stage. You don't believe it. Uh, wait a minute. Wait, no, wait a minute.

You're saying you're getting hate on Facebook. This guy is basically giving you advice and being heckled. Heckled is your, it's interrupting a live performance. You don't get heckled on Facebook. Hey, when they say the comedian heckled the crowd, the crowd is not giving a performance. Uh, I, I call bullshit on that and always thought as a comedian, you get to push the envelope some because when it's all said and done, as long as you weren't hateful for the sake of hate, you're good. Anyways, I haven't had the nerve to go back on stage out of the fear of getting trashed on Facebook. Anyways, love the podcast.

Hope you come to Memphis soon and go make love to yourself. Also, I can't get hard. Please fix this with magic. Um, all right. Uh, first of all, I don't know what you said. I'd have to know the joke that you said. I know how you feel about the joke. I know how the other comic feels about the joke, but it just seems like the comic has given you some advice there.

I don't know how hard the person went. Um, personally, I wouldn't do that. Um, but you sound way more seasoned than someone who just did it for the first time. Wait a minute. I opened my, I gave open my catry. I paired, I prepared for it for a while. Yada, yada, yada. Yada, I get my four minutes into it.

Getting laughs and he did the joke that didn't go well. I mean, I don't know, dude. I don't, I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't say that to a, to an open micro. I also don't know what you said and it doesn't sound. It just sounds like he's giving you a device. Uh, I can tell you this right now. If you're going to let one fucking person and some bullshit on Facebook, um, make

you not go back on stage, then, then this guy did you a favor because you got to be way, you got to be way tougher than that. Because if you think this is the first fucking time, like it's just, you know, when I was sitting in that motel, when we were shooting the other day, I walked in and I just laughed. I was like, all these places smell the same. And one of the actors asked me, he goes, what's the worst gig you ever had? And I thought about it for a second and then I just laughed and I was just like,

that is just too big a subject for me to pick any one gig. I mean, you literally have to go like, um, worse gig without a microphone, worse gig in a cafeteria where they didn't know that there was a show, worse nooner, worse, uh, you know, am I going to get the shit kicked out of me? Worst gig where I didn't get paid. Worst gig where the fucking middle lap was a former headliner and he did 45 to an hour in front of me and tried to burn out the crowd. You got white crowds.

You got black crowds. You got college crowds, cruise ships. I mean, it's just, it's just, and I, you know, what's funny is I haven't forgotten any of them, but I can't remember any of them either. They just all are this giant ball of hate, um, hate and humiliation. And, um, that's what you're signing up for. And I'm not trying to discourage you here. And what it is, is what you need right now, rather than writing to me is you need to go

to more open mics. And what's going to happen is that you're going to get comedian friends from your graduation class, right? And what you do, how you get through all of that was I used to call up, you know, the comics that I started out with. Like if I had a, I remember Patrice having some brutal show in front of a bunch of cops when he started up and he ate his balls so bad that he called me up. And through talking to me, he was able to laugh about it.

And then I was laughing about it. And, you know, then when I bombed all the fucking time, I would call him up. You tell the stories. Then what becomes is then other comics try to top your story about what the worst gig that they ever fucking had. And that's what it just starts to become as you're going through it. You just get seasoned and then you're just literally on stage going through some of the worst humiliation of your life while thinking, I can't wait to tell this to my buddy when

I get home or whatever. I mean, just don't let this fucking guy discourage you. Fucking shake it off. You know, you got to be like a relief pitcher. You fucking gave up all run. Give me another ball. I'm going to get, I'm going to, I'm coming right back with the heat. You got to be like that.

I'm not saying that comic is right or wrong because I don't know what you said. He evidently felt it was serious enough to reach out to you on Facebook, but I, it's not something I would have done. I don't try to be the comedy fucking cop here. All right. So good luck with your serve. All right. Joe Bartnick says, take your balls out of your purse and fucking get back on stage.

All right. Good luck to you. All right. Caught wife shoplifting. Dear Bill. Bill Nisaurus Rex. Okay. My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for about half that time.

Basically, we are best friends with a romantic relationship. Congratulations. Things have recently started getting even better for us. All of a sudden I've noticed all these extra knickknacks around the house. I got my first job as a university professor and she got a job in administration at the same university. Oh my God. She's shoplifting.

I believe our relationship is as strong as it is because I can trust her with my life. I think that just changed. Last night after getting home from the mall, I found her taking makeup out of her purse. The same makeup that she refused to buy because it was too expensive. Her reaction told me I wasn't supposed to see that she had it. I confronted her about the potential shoplifting. The confrontation resulted in a long argument, one that swung from denial to anger at me to crying and then back to anger.

She could never prove that she paid for it. Giving her reaction and the circumstances, I am as confident as one can be that she shoplifted. Absolutely. She would have just produced the receipt. Trust me. Trust is important to me, Bill. My wife is beautiful and she's constantly approached by men. I need to trust that she will stay loyal to our relationship.

Her shoplifting and then so brazenly lying to me about it puts everything into doubt for me. How is this risk worth her career or our relationship? Is shoplifting not that big a deal? Could this also increase the likelihood that she is dishonest in other areas of our relationship? Am I crazy? I will be listening to your advice. By the way, you killed it in Toronto. Thank you.

I don't know where it is. I think it's all of those things. I think it might not be that big a deal or it could be the tip of an iceberg. I have no idea. I have no idea, but this is like the beginning of a great movie. And I'm sorry that you're starring in it. This is like some Alfred Hitchcock shit. Like rear window, except you're in the apartment with the murderer.

Potentially. Or, you know, it just sort of ends like that war of the worlds. Anti-climactic. I don't know. But, yeah, like do you pursue it? Do you pursue it? Because I'm always about like when you feel shit like that, sit down with them and just say, look, I'm not saying you're a bad person.

I'm just saying how what you did makes me feel. All right. And then tell her everything that you just said to me. However, you could also be pulling some threads here and the whole thing comes crashing. I don't fuck. You know what I would do, dude? Fuck this. You know something?

This is what women do. When they're feeling something, they fucking, they sit you down. Fuck her tears. Fuck her anger. Fuck this. You've got to validate what you're feeling. You see, this is what men do when they get in a relationship. You treat your wife, your girlfriend like a ticking time bomb.

Because they so much, this guy's right. I do generalize a lot on the fucking podcast, don't I? They fucking, they control the relationship with their emotions. And then it's all subtly tied to special teams, which is your fucking, you know, sex life. And if they're in a fucking bad mood about you, you're not going to have any fucking sex. It's fucking ridiculous, but that's how it works. So, but fuck that dude. If this is what you're feeling and all of that shit, you're supposed to sit on it.

Fuck that. What do you think your wife would do? You don't think she would do that? You don't think she would start snooping on your Facebook? I don't know. I'm not saying don't fucking snoop on the Facebook. What I'm saying is, is what you should do is you should tell her. I don't know what to do here.

If you fucking do a steak out, if you start fucking, oh man, that's creepy. Because then if you're fucking wrong, no, don't do that. Because then if you're fucking wrong and she catches you spying on her, then she has the upper. You become wrong because you caught her shoplifting. Yeah, I would sit her down and just say, listen. Okay, I'm not saying you're, you're a bad person or anything. I'm just telling you how I feel. Seeing you shoplift and then lie to me about it.

And dude, if she starts crying or she gets angry, fuck that. She's being a fucking baby and she's manipulating it. And then I would also sit there and I, if she does that again, I would say, and now you're inability in a mature way to handle what it is that I'm saying to you. And the letter getters fucking angry as she wants to get. And it's like, you're getting angry at me. I didn't steal anything. I didn't lie about it. Okay, I'm just letting you know what, how this is making me feel.

And we can totally get past this. If you're going to be an adult about this and sit down, own up to what you did and talk me through this. Oh, is she going to get fucking mad at you? And you know what, fuck her. Okay, because this is what they'll do. This is exact fucking thing that she do to you. And I by no means fucking super imposing all the fucking issues I have with women on you in your relationship. I absolutely am, but that's what the fuck I would do.

And you know something? What else do you want from me? That's all I can do is tell you what the fuck I would do. That, that is what I would do. All right. It wasn't fair of her to put you in that position. And now for you to sit there walking around carrying this fucking stress. So I would address it with her.

All right. And there you go. That is the podcast an hour and 20 minutes. Jesus, you know, I should do these once a month. The fucking, the Billy Redrag podcast, you know, once a month. I'm just going through my cycle. There was a lot of fucking bitch moaning and complaining on this one, but I just feel like for me. All right, go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. All righty. That's it. Oh, by the way, congratulations to the Vegas fucking gold nights. You know what I mean? You beat my Bruins last night. I saw we, Suban was in fucking net playing. God damn great.

I know he was in our farm system as PK's brother. I forget his first name. It's so fucking great and the fans are going crazy. It's so awesome. Vegas is going to be a huge goddamn hit. I can't wait to go to a game out there and their colors and all about their colors, but I actually like that logo. I didn't notice that, you know, there's a little V there in the fucking helmet. I think that's kind of cool.

Oh, that's clever. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. The second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be That's it for Albert Heijn.