Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-11

Episode Date: October 19, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles Walt Disney, The Nazis and Rex Ryans navel

Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual, but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster, saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk. Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A and E. And though woolly mammoths are extinct, in the metaverse students will go back to the ice age to visit them. The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at Meta.com slash Metaverse Impact. Oh hiya! Hello mate, hello love, yeah? Hey what's going on? It's Bill Byrne, it's the

Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday October 17th, 2011, and I'm doing it October 18th, 2011. I apologize for being late, but I am in the middle of my whirlwind tour of Europe. I am right now in Copenhagen, which is in Denmark for all you American listeners. You know what fucking happened to me? First of all, I'm having a great time out here. The show in London sold out and gave out a bunch of DVDs, told everybody to take them, show them to a bunch of their friends, you know? I'm touring Europe like a fucking band, except I'm a solo act and I have no instruments. I wonder if you could make it that way, you know? Just

going around, just a solo act. He's a bloody well-proper singer, right? And you go on stage and you have no instrument, you just sing by yourself, put one index finger in your ear and go, you think you could make it? I'm gonna try not to be loud, because as funny as it was to get, you know, yelled at by security when I was in New Jersey. It's fucking New Jersey, okay? I don't have anybody going, once your papers please, yeah? You will be processed. I realize this isn't Nazi Germany, but you got to understand, considering I've never been to this part of Europe, everything looks, every time I turn the corner, I'm waiting to see the

SS walking down the street and their incredibly beautiful uniforms, yet sinister fucking BDI balls. Who made them, by the way? There's some fucking, who made the SS uniforms? Was it DKNY? I know it was somebody. Somebody has a smashing way of making fucking clothes. I'm actually looking out my hotel window here over Copenhagen, which is, I'm gonna have pictures and video and I know I say that, I always say that every week and then I never do. I'm hoping that this week, well actually it'll be next week, because my laptop is pretty much full. But anyways, it's actually, why do you need them? Why the fuck do you need

my pictures and my video? Why don't you guys just go on Google Earth and you could probably take that little man and have the same view I am, all in the safety of your little bedroom. Just sit there laying there rubbing your balls, as you enjoy Europe. But what's amazing about this place is, you know, the architecture and all that is, you can see, I mean, I don't know, I don't know much about architecture, but a lot of this shit looks like it was built in the 1800s, early 1900s, turn of the last century. There's people riding around on bicycles, yet I swear to God, every two feet there's a 7-Eleven. And as far as I

can tell, the 7-Eleven is the, that is the Starbucks of Copenhagen. As I look, there's one, okay, I have windows on two sides of my hotel here and I look down, there's a fucking 7-Eleven. I go to the other side, there's, I see another 7-Eleven and I was walking down that street last night, you go down the street a little further, there's another 7-Eleven. And in the fucking train station that I can see, all right, that looks like it was in that movie Reds, there's a 7-Eleven in there. So I don't know what the fuck it is about it, but I don't know. Once the deal was 7-Eleven to Denmark. And also across the way, they have this place called Tipoli. I

think that's what it's called, and that's where Walt Disney got his idea to make Disneyland, which then he said, we'll make another one and we'll call it Disney World. Really Bill, this is all interesting, is any of it funny? I think it is, because I don't know if you know this about Walt Disney, evidently, aside from bringing joy to children, aside from making some of the classic movies slash animated animation shit, right? Because I think the movies stand on their own. Evidently, he was a well-known anti-Semite. So maybe he was coming over here the way somebody in America who's Italian wants to go to Italy, right, to go get some

spaghetti. Oh, fucking Bolognese over there, right? You want to get in touch with your roots. So I figured this guy, if he was an anti-Semite, if that was to be true, you know, and so I don't get sued by any of the living Disney family, that bloodline. Maybe he came over here because he wanted to be able to say the things that he'd like to say in Orange County. He wanted to say I'm a little freer. So maybe he came over here in the middle of a fucking rambling about how he didn't like Jews. All of a sudden he saw a roller coaster and he said, wait a minute, what the fuck is that? I have an idea. No, you don't, Walt, you have an

idea that you saw because someone else had an idea. You son of a bitch, you stole it. You know, it's funny when you really look at Walt Disney, he did have a, he did have a Hitler haircut and he did have a little moustache, didn't he? Except what he did to disguise it was rather than comb it down like Hitler did. He flipped it back. That's what he did. Same way he stole the amusement park idea. He fucking, he stole Hitler's haircut. Maybe Hitler flipped it back too, but he was such a fucking spaz whenever he was doing public speaking that it would always flop down in his face, you know, kind of like Janelle Monnier. You ever seen her in

concert? She comes out with a little fucking, a little cute little hairdo and then a couple of fucking songs in the shit's falling down in her face and she's got to run off stage with the cute little saddle shoes, you know, and then she's got to pin it back up. No, I'm the only one. You like that? What the fuck? You like that for a podcast? Walt Disney to Hitler to Janelle Monnier. Didn't drop one fucking plate. Oh, so anyways, um, if you ever get a chance to go through Europe, don't I sound like a fucking snob? So listen to this shit. I come to Copenhagen and when I, when I travel to other countries, boys and girls,

believe it or not, I am on my best behavior. I always try to be overly polite. I try and learn a couple of words and I try to figure out their, their, their money system. So I'm not like going, you know, you know, one of the weirdest things when you go to another country is you immediately feel like a child, especially if you don't know the language and you just, the funniest thing is money transactions. You just come up and you're like, Hey, like hoping they speak English. You almost say like, hello with an accent. Like, hello. You basically speak English in your interpretation of their accent, hoping

they're going to understand you. And then they're like, on 2000 Dutch marks or something. And then you just get a handful of fucking coins and you just guess and you hand it to them. You know, you just feel like a little kid, like, is this enough for that stuff? And you hand it to them and then you just wait and you're waiting for that. Like, could I have a little more? Or are you fucking shitting me? Or they just sort of take it. And anyways, what's cool over here is Denmark, they got they have really cool. I like their money. I like any sort of money that has a little hole drilled in the middle of it. You know, like some

little fusion people used it as wheels. And they somehow remove the axle and then the giant people used it as currency. I like that type of stuff. So anyway, so I come over here, I'm on my best fucking behavior. And when I'm in the States, and somebody comes over there and they're from another country, I try to be extra nice to them. So they have something nice to say. So anyway, so I come here to Copenhagen, which is in Denmark for all you Americans, fellow Americans, I should say, look at me trying to separate myself as if I could find it on a map before I came here. We jump in the cab and I'm talking to the promoter who's going to

take me all the way through Scandinavia, you know, that has all the ladies that Hitler used to rub one out to wants to have blonde hair and blue eyes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. And this is one of the most fucked up podcasts so far. How many times can you bring up Hitler? Let's go for the record, shall we? It's early on in podcasting history. The first person to set the record, or at least the first time it was tracked, was Bill Burr back in the early 2000s. He had a podcast called the Monday Morning Podcast. It was highly successful until one day it was permanently suspended from iTunes. If you turn to page 17 in your Monday

Morning Podcast textbooks. So anyways, I'm in this fucking cab. And I have this thing. I can never remember if from West to East, if it goes, if it goes Norway, Sweden, Finland, or if it goes Finland, Sweden, Norway, I always fucking forget. Okay. And why wouldn't I forget? Those fuckers are never in the goddamn news. Other than that, that tragedy in Norway, but other than that, they're cool countries. They don't fuck with people. So they don't make the news. The only reason why these fucking cunts over here know where America is, is because we're bombing people. You know, because we have bases in their country because we're

annoying the shit out of so much of the world. That's why they know where we're at. So I'm in this cab and I'm having this conversation with the promoter, going to say, no, Norway, Sweden, Finland, or Finland, Sweden, Norway, I can never remember. And he explains it to me. I go, okay, okay. And then the cab ride ends and then the cab driver turns around and goes on the Americans are so stupid with the geography. Then he goes, I'm just kidding. Try to be passive aggressive. I said, Oh yeah, you fucking Danish cunt. Where's Tennessee in relation to Missouri? And he goes, I don't know. I'm stupid to go fuck yourself with your

passive aggressive. This cunt said that shit. America is so stupid with the geography. And then he does this little pussy smile. I'm just kidding. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're serious. You miserable cunt. Oh yeah, you're so smart. Did you go to fucking premed to become a taxi cab driver? You fucking douche. And right there, I swear to God, in my head, I was like, fuck Denmark and fuck this show tonight. Like the next half hour, that's what I was thinking. And then I was like, No, I can't judge the whole fucking city. I can't judge the whole country because one douche driving a cab. All right, put yourself in America. Do

you find cab drivers in America to be pleasant? No, I do not. Do you find them to be slightly miserable? Yes, I do. If you drove a cab, would you be a miserable cunt? Yes, I would be. And then I said, fuck it. Let's give these Danish cunts a fucking show. And actually, I was still nervous before I went in to do the show. And, you know, you come all the way over here and as much as they speak English, you're kind of wondering, you know, how much are they gonna get? And fortunately, the night before, I was in London and I just made this decision probably about 10, like for the first 10 months of my set in England, I felt like

I was a little on my heels going, and here's this joke. And are you gonna get this? Okay, here's another joke. Are you gonna get this? And then I finally just said, you know what? Fuck this. I'm just doing my shit. All right. And if they laugh, cool. If they don't, oh, Jesus, is this gonna be room service? Hang on one second. Hang on one second. You're gonna get to hear me talk to a Danish person here. Hello. Yes. No, no, no. Many bars. Cool. Okay. All right. Thank you. Oops. I got it. Thank you. Goddamn European doors. I can't even close them. So anyways, yeah, so I kind of I learned that when I was doing the show in London, I just said

to hell with it, you know, just say just do the shit like you're standing in the middle of Kentucky. Fuck it. Just do your act. And if they laugh, they laugh. And if they don't, I will address it. I will then make fun of the fact that I was so stupid that you thought I was gonna get it or something will come to me. And then I was able to relax and I had this fucking awesome show in London. So I was like, well, it worked in London. Let me let me do that over here. So I show up to this place in Denmark and it's probably like a, I don't know, 400 seater. And I'm not gonna lie to you, only about 125 people showed up, you know, but why would

400 people show up? I've never been on TV over here, whatever. This is the whole purpose of it. And I got free DVDs for all these people, right? So the basic marketing strategies, I'm going to go on stage, fucking destroy. And then they're going to take these DVDs and go once you must see this America next time it comes to town. Yeah. I apologize to anybody from fucking Denmark who because I keep making you guys talk like fucking SS people. I don't know. I can't do your accent. Go fuck yourselves. I'm trying. So they have this dude from Sweden open the show and he comes up and he's speaking, I don't know, Swedish, Danish, I don't know what the fuck once you got fries and fries and fries

and fries and right. And the crowd is, you know, sort of giggling, sort of laughing. It was kind of a weird thing where there was a bunch of comedians in the crowd. So this guy goes on stage, he's a comedian, he's a newer comedian, I don't know what the deal is. And they're sort of laughing, but not really. And then in my head, I'm like, oh, fuck, is this what's going to happen to me? And, but I don't know. I just felt like this great vibe in the room. I went out there and I did what I would do in the States because I was sitting there in my head going that fucking cunt in the taxi cab. Americans that's so stupid with the geography was bugging the shit out of me. But I didn't want to go up there and shit on one of their countrymen because I thought they would

all pull back and then they wouldn't like me. And I was like, well, what if this was the States? What if you were down south? You're clearly a fucking Yankee. If some guy said, hey, buddy, you fucking crickety sass gonna rise again. That's what the fuck I would open with. So I said to hell with it. That's what I'm doing here. And I went out there and I shit all over the guy. And I basically said something to the effect of, yeah, did you go to medical school to become a taxi driver? And they laughed their asses off. And I was like, oh, look at this, just like America, except they're bilingual. And everything went great after that. So, and there's my European story so far. So this is the weird thing. I'm

going to be here right through the next podcast. Next week, when I tape my podcast, I will actually be in Stockholm, Sweden. And I can already tell you, even if I fucking bomb horrifically in the next three cities, there's no way I'm not doing this trip again, because it has been, it has been absolutely awesome. And, you know, I'm fucking losing money on this tour because I'm giving away like fucking 2000 DVDs. And I'm also, I bumped up my flights, I spent money, I decided I was gonna, I thought I was flying business class. And I showed up. And if I've ended up finding out that I was flying premium economy, like what the fuck is that? Premium economy. And I started flipping out. Oh, I embarrassed me so bad, because like, I thought

we had business class tickets. And when we went to LAX airport, we just stood in the first class business class line. And they let us right through. So the only reason why they let us right through is because we went to like four in the afternoon on a Sunday and there was nobody at the airport. So they're just letting people go through. But in my head, I was like, you know, yes, we are a cut above. Yes, I was standing this line, please. Right. So then I go, you know what, we got business class tickets. Let's go sit up in the New Zealand Air Lounge and see what goes on up there. Do you or do you not get a handjob? Do they have who was up there? I want to know. So I walk in and immediately second we walk in, it's like we're in Europe, they're playing this fucking like

European music and everything's fucking, I don't know, just seems like it's not in the few but like 20 minutes in the future. That's what I feel like when I'm when I'm in a lot of these other countries, their cell phones, they're better, but just a little bit better, you know. So I come walking in there and we're like, yeah, we have business class tickets. Is it okay to come in there? And they go, yes, they absolutely come in and then they just can we see your tickets, please? Yeah. And we give them the tickets. And he's like, I am sorry. So this you don't have business class. These are premium economy. And I'm like, what do you mean? I immediately just go, I'm such a fucking idiot. I always the second something doesn't go my way, rather than being like,

oh, I'm sorry, could you repeat that? Is there some sort of confusion? My default emotion is anger and the F bomb. And you would think after 43 years of trying that and seeing the results of going to what do you got to be what the fuck you're seeing the results of doing that? Which is basically when you go into that mode, maybe 0.0001% of the time you actually get what you want after I still fucking do it. So I didn't curse in front of the guy, but only because he was from another country and I go on best behavior. But the second we walked out of the out of the lounge, you know, with their fucking fogged up windows, I was just dropping what the fuck you gonna be fucking kidding me. I paid all this extra fucking money can go to the fucking lounge.

Such fucking bullshit. How many fucking levels are there? Premium fucking economy. The amount of money I spent, there should be no fucking economy in that world. That word should have just said premium, right? Totally flipping out. And he's going, God, shut up, shut up. You're embarrassing me. Stop it. Right. So now I'm sitting there, right? So I do the classic guy thing because now I'm embarrassed because I wanted to, you know, treat my lady to a good time. I'm trying to be a big shot. I'm trying to, I'm trying to, I'm trying to be a fucking baller. And it turns out we're still going to be sitting in cloth seats. What did I get an exit row? I was so embarrassed because I was sitting there hyping it up to

me again, we're flying business class, you wait, it's going to be the shit and all this type of stuff. And I show up and I have premium economy seats. So as a man, I'm embarrassed. I was going to provide for my woman and I came back with nothing, came back from the hunt with nothing. Right. What did I have? I came back with like a squirrel to feed the whole fucking tribe. So as a man, I'm fucking embarrassed. So what do I do? Do I communicate this tour? No. I start acting like a douche to her and I stopped talking to her. Classic male behavior. I'm embarrassed. My manhood took a nice kick to the seeds. So what do I do? Do I express that to her? Do I say, listen, I love you to death and I wanted this to be a special trip. And now I'm embarrassed because

I feel like I let you down. If I just said that, it would have been fine. But what do I do? I act like a fucking asshole guy and somehow stop talking to her like it's her fault. Already ruining the trip to Europe before we've even set one fucking foot on the goddamn tarmac. Classic stupid guy move. But because I'm 43 years old and I've actually learned a few things in life for the final, like, you know, it was 15 minutes of me acting like a douche to her as we sat in some fucking pathetic restaurant at LAX. And I was like, you know, sitting down there with all the common people with their economy tickets. And in my head about, you know, 10 minutes into it, I was like, dude, what are you doing right now? You're being a fucking moron. Just say what's on your mind. And I

actually said it to her. I said, look, I'm embarrassed. I mean, I even feel like a douche just saying it to you. So I just said it to her. And then she was just like, no, it's okay. And then that annoyed me. And annoying me that she was trying to make me feel better, made me feel fucking weak. So I was like, all right, all right. She's like, why can't you just let us have a nice moment? Because I'm not allowed love. So anyways, and then this is the hilarious thing after having my little fucking childish temper tantrum, we get on the fucking, we're sitting in row 28. And if anybody flies a lot, I don't know what the fuck in your world row 28, okay, you are well within the fucking cloth seats. All right, but as

we're walking down the tarmac, I see this fucking airplane is absolutely gigantic, the biggest fucking jet engines I've ever seen in my life. And I'm like, wow, man, look at the sidewalk, maybe this premium economy thing will be okay. It'll be a little better than what I'm thinking, a little better than an exit row. But you know, I wanted the vinyl seat that looks like leather. That's what I wanted. So we go to get on the plane. And we get on and I don't know, I think first class was to the left. And of course, I had the look, you know, and I'm looking up there and they got like these first class, these giant seats, they got like a fucking racquetball court up there. It's gigantic. And I'm

already sitting there. God, fuck, here we go. Here we go. God damn nonstop, which is great, all the way to London, but I'm gonna sit here with my fucking knees in my chest, like I'm doing a gig in St. Louis. Right? I'm trying to squash that anger. And they got this mood lighting on this plane, right? Like we're flying virgin air. And we come walking in and all of a sudden the rows, they start at row 15. And it's all these badass chairs and Nia turns around going, wait a minute, wait a minute, we start having this excited look, right? And we're walking through all these, these, they're not first class seats, but they're fucking on these awesome seats that are like pointed at an angle, like you're diagonally pointing to the side of

the plane. And there's plenty of leg room is this great TV screen. And we're in row 28. We're walking through and I'm almost trying to walk slower, hoping that that might the seat 28 won't be the first row of cloth seats, right? Row 17 row 18. And I'm looking and they're running out of these seats. I'm like, fuck, row 20, row 22. Right? Get all the way up to 26. And I'm closing my eyes going, I know I'm going to be in the first row of cloth seats. And lo and behold, we were in the last fucking row of these badass seats where they were sitting diagonally towards it, that you could roll the, you could recline them, you couldn't lay down like a bed. They were kind of like these little eggs like on Mork, Mork and Mindy and sat down and it was fucking awesome. And once

again, for the nine millionth time in my life, I flipped out, had a temper tantrum, made people around me miserable, only to find out 20 minutes later that everything worked out anyways. The amount of times that I have learned that life's lesson is fucking ridiculous. So then we sat down fucking an hour later. I'm having lamb. They give me a little fucking dessert. And they got this unbelievable selection of movies. They got all these TV thing like they had a modern family ended up watching. They had the first two seasons every episode. Fucking show is hilarious, underrated for the week, modern family. And that's a show that I tried to watch when I was in my living room, but I have ADD and I can only watch a show for three seconds. And if it doesn't

make me laugh, I'm like, fuck this show. It sucks. But when you're on an airplane, you can't say that. And all of a sudden you get into all this stuff. And I actually, I watched like the first half. I think I watched like that. I watched Sons of Anarchy. I got caught up on all these shows. And then I watched that movie network, the classic, classic film network. And you know what? I was blown away when I saw that movie. You never seen that movie. It still holds up. And what's amazing is the first time I saw that movie, how all the crazy shit that they were doing in that seemed like it was going to be in the future. And now a lot of the shit that they're talking about, it just seemed, it seems like a modern movie. But I was watching that movie.

And this is what amazes me about this business is Conchata Farrell had a bit part in that. And she's on two and a half men now. And I did, I did a gig with her about 15 years ago. And she never brought up that she was in that movie network. It just kills me that you could have a fucking career that lasts that long. I'm sitting there going that is a that is a 30 36 year career. You know, that was like an unbelievable Oscar winning movie. 36 years later, I'm like that she is still working. Just fucking blew me away. So anyway, so that was the flight. That's the flight. And I just sat there watching TV shows, loving life. And I felt great. You know, it was awesome because a few times I've been bumped up to first class, but I don't

think Nia's ever gotten to fly like that. And just seeing the smile on her face and how excited she was. And when she was sitting there eating her fucking lamb or whatever, she looked over to me and she was like best flight ever. And it made me feel good. Because that's the feeling I wanted to give her. Hey, Nia, how are you? You just came from how was the brunch? You got to talk loudly. Okay, you know, it's funny. You know, it's funny was by the time Nia before she left, she called up to she called 100% satisfaction or whatever that customer satisfaction. They have a button on this phone that says, Yeah, 100% guest satisfaction. That's a button on their phone over here. So

I called that up to find out how long the brunch lasted. And you know, the lady said it, the lady said it lasted till 11. Said it lasted till 11. And wait, I got to tell you, I got to tell you the rest of the story. So you walk out the door at like 1025. The second you walk out of door, the phone rings again. Right. And I pick up the phone and there's just this guy and he goes, won't your papers please? Yeah. No, it was the same lady. She called back. She goes, um, I am so sorry. The breakfast is actually ending at 1030. They are they are waiting for your arrival. And she did some sort of like laugh. And I said, okay, thank you. And I hung up and I said, I mean, they go, Oh, no. They just

told me that it lasts till 11. Now Nia's going to go up there. Okay. And I thought that you were going to think that they were being racist because you're going to go up there and they were going to have like that fucking Nazi accent on their breakfast is closed. Yes. Yes. I'm sorry, African American. No, I was wondering when I was making my play, they were like, Oh, we're closing soon. And I didn't say, Oh, I thought you closed at 11. I was just like, Oh, okay. Cause I just didn't even have any concept of time cause I'm so jet lag still. So, but it was fine. I just sat there and ate my breakfast and I brought you some bacon and a mini croissant. I know. And a biscuit. You know, something, but, but, but you know, it's funny is the fact that you, I just got done talking

about my childish behavior in LAX when I found out that we weren't business class. And we were premium, premium economy, premium economy. How many times did I say the F bomb after I walked? I did wait till I walked out of the lounge. How many times did I say the F bomb? I don't know, but I didn't like it cause he was saying it rather loud. But I said though, I did come around and then I ended up saying, listen, I was just embarrassed because I wanted to give you a great trip over here and as a man, I feel like, I feel like a loser now. Like I, you know, I felt like that, I felt like that guy in those movies, the, the guy was just a scammer and basically like he sweeps some woman off her feet with his hoe, like she,

she's some small town girl and he comes into town, you know, like the fucking music man. It just fills her head with all these dreams. And then, and then, then like halfway through the relationship, you realize that I'm just full of shit, but you're already in love with me. So you stay with me, but then like half, but I can feel, I can feel you losing faith in me and that you don't believe in me anymore. And the back of my head, I know that I'm going to lose you. That was that moment. It was that moment. And then we got on, huh? And what did you end up, and wasn't that fucking amazing? We got on the plane and we were sitting there with, we were in the dead last row. And I was like, if we were in the first row of those fucking cloth seats,

yeah, but we were in the last row right before it became, you know, ah, and the second we sit down, fucking as the Eddie Isard comes up, wasn't Eddie Isard, but look like Eddie Isard. Oh, hello, you know, we have a lamb and what did you get? You got the fish, prawns. Yeah, it was fucking ridiculous. It was really nice. It was awesome. Well, listen, I'm actually, cause I'm late anyways, I'm going to stop the podcast here, but it's, it's, it's, you know, I'm just obviously going to pick it up. I'm going to eat my biscuit and fucking bacon. And that I'm going to, the second half will be the usual. It's going to be the advice and all that type of stuff. And this is easily the happiest I've been on any podcast,

because I'm having such a good time over here. So, uh, which means it probably hasn't been funny, but I bet the ladies are enjoying it. See, he's learning. Honey, why can't you, I just ruined this for a lot of guys. See that? Why can't you have that moment? You know something you're wrong to do that to your guy right there. Cause he's already listening. He already knows, he doesn't need you to then be like, see why can't, yes, they have. Yes, they have. That's what you fucking broads do. It's never enough. All right, I mean, my biscuits and bacon. All right. I'll call you, I'll be talking to another. Yeah, I'll call you later. All right, love. All right. I'm back. I'm back and I am full of biscuits and bacon. So I'm, I'm going to be even

happier. Oh, it's the happiest podcast ever. Um, let's get into some of the, um, some of the listener feedback for the week. I got something from, uh, from, from, uh, Germany. It said, hi, Billiam. I'm, uh, a black Tunisian born and born and raised in Germany. So I guess he's from Tunisia, which I don't know where that is. If I had to guess, I would say Tunisia is right next to, uh, let's see, not Vietnam. And he is just laughing at me. Um, what the fuck? What was that place when we were in Vietnam? We weren't supposed to be in the other country next to it, like Laos or something. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, that cab driver. What a douche. What a douche, right? These Americans, you're so stupid with the geography.

Uh, really? You fucking goddamn scientist driving a goddamn cab. Yeah. Fuck him, mother fucker. Um, so anyways, after listening to your incredulul tulu tea regarding last week's listener from Hong Kong, I decided to finally write you and show you that it ain't no thing for non-native speakers to talk the talk. See, I kind of went African-American jive slang on that sentence. Oh, Jesus. He goes, it ain't no thing. Maybe, maybe he's trying to be funny. Or maybe he just saw an episode of, uh, Sanford and son. I don't know. English is not that difficult to language to master. See, why are they such arrogant cunts? English is so simple to master. You're Americans. You're so stupid. First of all, you're fucking moron. If, if Germany

was running shit like you wanted to, like you try, I should be yelling this shit here, like you tried to for the last fuck, for two fucking world wars. Do you think I wouldn't have a problem mastering Germany? You fucking cunt. All you fucking cunts over there who think you're so goddamn brilliant because you can speak English. The reason why you're running, you're speaking fucking English is because for a while there, America was running shit. All right? That's why you speak it. Not because you're fucking smarter, you dumb cunts. You're just as fucking stupid as I am. I've been over here. I've seen you. I watch you riding your bikes. I see you breathing with your mouths open. Stop acting like you're so fucking brilliant. I'm not saying I'm better than

you, but you cunts are the same cunt that I am. Okay? You're just in a different situation. Go fuck yourself. That's like if some white kid is born in Harlem, right? All of a sudden he knows how to dance and can pop luck because he's hanging out with fucking African Americans. Does that make any sense? Well, it does in my world. Go fuck yourself. I have had it with you fucking people from other countries talking down to me like you're not just as dumb as I am. All right? I am on a whirlwind tour of fucking Europe right now. I am traveling as an American and I got to tell you the architecture is brilliant, but I got to tell you I'm not exactly blown away by the intellect. I'm not talking to people going, wow, this guy understands and can explain black holes. You guys are doing the same

shit that we're doing. You're downloading music. You're trying to get laid. You want to sandwich when you're hungry? Go fuck yourselves. So anyway, see, then goes on to say English is not that difficult a language to master. Hell, everything else here in Germany is a cheap knockoff of American lifestyle, entertainment, fashion, music, et cetera. You think we wouldn't somehow learn to talk American English? Excuse me for giving you a fucking compliment. You Tunisian born, Germany cunt. All right, from the Ukraine. Hi, Bill. I just really want to let you know that how, let you know how famous you are. I'm living in fucking Ukraine, not even a capital of Ukraine in a very small town, more like a village, and I'm listening to your podcast

every Monday. How cool is the internet? Is some guy in the Ukraine yet another place that I don't really quite know where it is? Once you get into Eastern Europe, because when I was growing up, that was all fucking Russia, wasn't it? Once you got beyond Poland and Germany. Shit. Once you got to fucking East Germany, wasn't that Russia Ukraine? Is that near Romania? Or is that a lettuce? I'm sorry. That was just a silly salad joke. I'm living in the fucking Ukraine. And I'm listening to your podcast every Monday. Also, I heard all of your podcasts since you started. I was born here and never live in an English speaking country. I learned a little bit of English in school and pick up the rest from your TV shows. See, I gotta admit, that fucking blows me away.

You just sit there and watch a TV show and you can pick up English. I want to talk to you. Like what, what English do you just like walk around going, hey, hey, hey. Up your noses with rubber hoses. Oh, Mr. Cot-tailed. Is that what you do? Do you just speak like American television characters? Who's given to? This is one of these things. I'm jealous of these people's abilities to pick up languages because I want to be bilingual. But I don't, I, you know what it is? I don't have to be. You know what it's like? It's like climbing up a rope. Doesn't everybody want to be able to do that? Just grab a rope and without using your fucking legs, just go right up it like your James Bond.

Who doesn't want to be able to do that? But the thing is, is to get through life, you don't have to be able to do that. So most people never, never pick up that sort of strength. Language is the same thing. If I don't have to learn how to speak it, I mean, to sit there and actually just sit down and give yourself a fucking homework assignment. I don't know. I'm failing miserably in my Spanish and I'll go fuck yourselves. You know what? You got, you know what? You guys win. This is like a game. Your special teams are better than ours in the language department. Speaking of which, I think I went three and one again this week if the Jets covered the spread last night. And I swear to God, if Verzi went one and three again,

I am absolutely killing him. He had to have a good week. There's no fucking way he gets so mad. He hates when I do this because I try and jinx him. There is no fucking way Paul Verzi is having another bad gambling week. That would be four weeks in a row where he was never better than two and two. As of last week, I was eight and four and Paul Verzi who very soon will be known as poor Paul Verzi. Poor Paul Verzi was three and five. So if I went three and one this week, I had the 49ers because I believe in Jim Harbaugh over the Lions. I had the Colts getting points against the Bengals. I think only eight and I lost that one. And I had one other game that I won. I can't even remember what it was. And then I had the Jets

last night. And I thought the Jets, they were at home, I believe. And I was like, they lost to the Patriots. They're two and three or something like that. They got to turn this season around. They're going to come out and kick the shit out of them. But that's one bet. If I lost the bet, I hope the Jets lost. But anyways, that would be three and one. That would be 11 and five against the fucking spread this year. All right, so why don't you stick that in your ass and smoke it. All right, people sent me last week, I asked you to send me dilemmas. Okay, I should have told you this. I am not going to answer any fucking perverted sexual questions that involve my parents. Okay, you can you can write them all you want. There's no fucking way

I'm going to answer those because they're fucking disgusting. And you know, and I respect my parents, so I'm not doing that. I actually drew a line. All right, so here we go. I'm going to read these other ones. Bill, would you rather have sex with the world's ugliest lady or with the world's hottest dude? This is a really weird one. Before you immediately say the ugliest lady, so your friends don't call you a queer picture, if you will, the fatty that sat next to you on the plane, triple him, patches of her couch infused into her skin, kind of fat, add hair everywhere, gold rush teeth, knee-high tits. Her butt is bigger in the front than it is in the back and smell out. Jesus Christ, all right, I got it. Or Brad Pitt or whoever else you would consider to be the hottest dude,

he could be a little feminine if that helps get you off. Oh my god. This is what you fucked up with the question. You should have just said or like a hand job and you can look the other way. I would, yeah, I'd still have to pick the ugliest lady. Oh my god, that's the whole question is horrific. But if you went really effeminate, if you went effeminate like and they dressed up like a fucking tranny and looked like a woman, I think I would pick that a hand job. I would pick that over a woman who has pieces of a couch stuck into her back. Jesus Christ, there's nothing funny there. That's just disgusting. All right, Bill, here's a dilemma for you. This is a great one. Take a tequila body shot out of Rex Ryan's sweaty Sasquatch belly button after a two day, two a day practice

in the muskiness, muskiness of summer. And he said no lime or salt or sit in the middle seat between two sweaty deodorant list fat fucks pushing 400 pounds each on a flight from LAX to Australia. The flight on the meal is all you can eat baby back ribs and chicken wings. Imagine them sucking the bones in their fingers clean for 20 plus hours. All right, now the intelligent question here. The intelligent answer is you do the Rex Ryan. You got to do the Rex Ryan the fucking tequila body shot. All right, because the alcohol is going to kill whatever the fuck is in his navel. I've just lost every female listener right now. As opposed to 20 hours of pain, this is basically

the classic are you going to slowly tear off the fucking slowly tear off the fucking band-aid are you going to rip it off? I got to take the I'll take a tequila body shot right out of Rex Ryan's sweaty Sasquatch belly button as opposed to a 20 hour fucking flight between two fat fucks. I do that tequila shot right in front of the entire New York jet team right after I told Mark Sanchez that he's overrated. I would do it. That would be disgusting. You know what it is? It's the gayness of it that would make me stop. But you know what? It would be over. No, but you know what? Then I would have to live with the fact that I did that for the rest of my life versus a 20 hour flight. So the only enjoyment would be during the first

20 hours. And then 20 hours, one minute, I would be like, you know what? If I chose to fly between those two fat fucks, the misery would be over right now. Wait a minute. Let me reconsider this. All right. You know, I got to choose the fat fucks, but only because Rex Ryan is the coach of the jets. If he, if he coached the Cleveland Browns, I would have chose the, the body shot. All right, overrated, underrated. Let's see, overrated. Oh, I'll tell you, underrated, going to see the Foo Fighters at the LA forum, which I did last week. What a fucking week I'm having. The closest thing I've seen to an AC DC concert in that it's just wire to wire, relentless, punches you in the face, never lets up. They did a three hour fucking show and there was never,

there was never a dip. There was never that moment where I felt like, oh, I'm not who's kid who I had to sit down a couple of times only because I have a bad back. But Dave Grohl, like the whole band, it was insane. They did a three hour fucking show in the beginning. You know, he, they come out, they do like four songs, absolutely crush it. And then Grohl gets, you know, starts talking to the crowd. He goes, you know, a lot of bands out there, they do like a two hour show. And he goes, he goes, there's no way we're just doing two hours tonight. So the crowd's going crazy. He goes, in fact, we actually have a reputation of doing a show like two hours and 15 minutes or something. He said it funny. So the crowd laughs. He goes,

oh, maybe two 30, maybe tonight we'll do two 40. And then he went all the way up to three hours. And every young person in the crowd is going crazy is I'm standing there, the old bastard that I am going like, no, Dave, you know what, two hours is fine. Leave me wanting more. Right. And when he said he was doing a three hour fucking show, I had the same feeling in my heart that was the expression on Pat smear's face because they cut to him and you could see, you know, him, he doesn't want to fucking do it. The guy's like 50, you know, he's been there and back nine million times. He's happy with it. He actually quit the foo fighters. You think this fucking guy wants to do an extra hour of a show? So my old ass is just going like, no, please only do two hours 15.

I'm fine. But these guys were so fucking awesome that I think they could have actually done a four hour show. And it would have been totally fine. In fact, their encore was six songs. They did like six songs on core. And I was actually bummed when the show was over. So if you get a chance to go see them, um, I highly recommend it. And anybody who lives anywhere near the LA area, you owe it to yourself at some point to see a show at the, uh, at the LA forum because there's not a bad seat in the house because there's no balcony. It just goes, it just goes straight up the way the old school stadiums do. And, uh, I fucking love going in there because I'm such a huge sports fan. And even though the Lakers played there, it's the showtime Lakers. And there's no

way, there's no way to, uh, not respect what they did. But I have to admit, every time I walk in there, I always want to, I wish there was an X on the ground where they showed where Kevin McHale clothesline Kurt Rambus and turn that 84 championship series around. Um, so underrated seeing the Foo Fighters also underrated getting there early enough. So you get the cool concert t-shirt that says Los Angeles LA forum 2011 was fucking blacks t-shirt with the Foo Fighter emblem written in gold. And I know I'm too fucking old to wear like faded gold. Like you got it in 1972, you know, and of course by the time I got up there, the person in front of me bought the last large and they're like, we have it in a girl's small, you know, or we have all these other ones. And once

again, what did I do? Drop the F bomb 15 times. What a fuck when you fucking make enough fucking fucking t-shirts. Stupid. Didn't get me a t-shirt. Um, anyways, all right, overrated underrated for the week, overrated buffalo wings, too much work, too much mess and too much money for very little meat. It makes people look like animals while they're eating it. People like it only because of the sauce has nothing to do with the meat at all. It's, uh, it is a good dish. If that is a good dish, that means you can take damn near anything. Um, throw some good sauce on it and some douche will buy it and go to town eating it while looking like an animal. I have to agree with you, sir. 80% of buffalo wings are fucking horrific. But if you go to Buffalo, New York,

go to anchor bar or Duffy's and you will change your opinion. Okay. The whole thing is good. The sauce, the juiciness of the meat and the crunchiness of the skin as you eat it and it's fucking incredible. And the only thing that comes close to that is I found this place, uh, uh, what's it called? Ye rustic in in Los Angeles. Get some wings there. Other than that, if anybody knows, because I found either the sauce is amazing, but the chicken is dried out or vice versa. The chicken tastes good, but the sauce stinks. Um, and then the, and then most of the other ones, both of them suck, but I have to agree with you. I'm not really into it either, especially now that I have a beard, you know, like three days later, I'm still tasting the sauce. It's

disgusting. You know, and I trimmed my beard down much like the redheaded gay dude on, uh, modern family that Nia 12 times told me that I look like when I was watching it on the plane, every time they showed his face on the screen, she would do this exaggerated, put her face like an inch from the screen and then look at my face and look back at the screen like she was watching me. Just breaking my balls, right? Sitting in her premium economy seat, still breaking my balls. All right. Overrated articles that claim the lions and tigers recent wins, the Detroit lions, Detroit tigers, recent wins are somehow responsible for giving hope to the city of Detroit. It's lazy journalism. I've seen like five articles about this shit. It's just dumb. The

lions, oh, and 16 season is not a microcosm for the collapse of the auto industry. Well, I enjoy the fact that Detroit sports are looking up. It's not the thing that's going to suddenly create a resurgence in the city. They don't, they don't a world series. Okay. They don't need a world series. They need fucking jobs and the middle class to move back exactly right, sir. If I wasn't so tired and jet lagged, I'd give you a standing ovation on that. That is exactly it. It is lazy journalism. And it's also the pathetic way that they try to revitalize cities is we'll build a stadium and then build some shit around it. It's exactly it. How about getting some fucking jobs? And by the way, that whole Occupy Wall Street thing is tremendous that that whole thing is going

down despite the fact that there's going to be a lot of morons looting and doing that type of shit. The fact that we're finally starting to have some sort of unrest. I think, I think is the healthiest thing that could, that could ever fucking happen. You know, enough already. And we actually, I have a, there's a great YouTube video of somebody who's informed, unlike myself, that we're going to have up this week on the MM podcast, the MM podcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast. We'll have all the YouTube videos and whatnot up there. All right, overrated. Rustafarianism. What makes them any better than any of those other religions? They still hate the

gays. They still hate abortions and they still don't eat pork. But you never see any angry punk rocker kid with an upside down lion of Judah on his backpack. I don't get that last reference. You don't see any angry punk rocker kid with an upside down lion of Judah on his backpack. Is that their symbol? I don't fucking know. You know what? Probably because Rustafarians aren't really running anything. If they were actually running something, if they got a chance to be in the driver's seat and they could be oppressive, I think then people would react more to it. It's going to make sure this podcast thing is still on. All right, it is. The recording is still on. All right, underrated.

Standing half in the shade, half in the sun is underrated. You get the warmth of the sun with the eye protection of the shade. And if you're smoking a cigarette, it makes you look like a detective. Underrated, original vinyl LPs because digital music makes you miss a shitload of beautiful sound. There's nothing truer than that. I actually, I have some shitty record player that I've, and it really is a record player that I bought at Guitar Center. And recently somebody had this, this party thing that I went to and at it, somebody had one of those Macintosh stereos. And it's not, it's not Macintosh like the computer. It's spelt differently. But, and I believe they've been around longer than the Macintosh computer company. Their

stereos are fucking ridiculously expensive. I actually went to the store or talked to one of their reps and they were saying how they put one in Arod's house worth like 250 grand. But their entry level ones, which are still ridiculously expensive. I swear to God, if you could somehow afford a great stereo, and I would, I would highly suggest going out and buying your favorite album that you've listened to a thousand times on your improv, on your iPod and actually rebuy it on vinyl and listen to it. And I swear to God, if you have any sort of ears whatsoever, you're going to hear shit that you never heard before. It's one of the biggest lies out there. You know, other than that drinking a ton of orange juice before getting a cold

is a good thing to do. That's something I believe for a long time. And then I talked to a guy who took a nutrition class and said, that's actually the worst thing you can do. And the people who came up with that with the people who sell orange juice, it sends you're at acidic levels through the fucking roof. And, and then I didn't research it. I don't even know what if I'm saying what he told me correctly. And I don't even know if what he told me was right. But he said it and it went against what people always say. So I automatically believe it. That's how I do it. The moon landing never happened. You see, then I just go, Hey, it never fucking happened because he said it. All right, videos for this week. I didn't get a chance to look at any of these. Oh,

one of them I did highway drums, you got to check out. And I want to tell you what it's about, but I'll you I'll ruin the surprise when you actually see reporter can't hear shit. That's self explanatory. That must be great. School won't relax on sweatpants. And thugs hit mental disabled lady. Oh my God, do I want to watch that? And as always, we have the Oh, Jesus ringtone is available on the Monday morning podcast. Oh, the mmpodcast.com fan page. What else? What else? I think that's the podcast for this week. I'm over here in Europe and I want to thank everybody who came out to the show in in London, particularly as one fan who was went through some brutal divorce and I got this whole thing on gold diggin

horse and he took the time to tell me that he was having an awful day and that my comedy actually turned around his day and he sent me this really nice long email made me feel good. And what else? Everybody who came out last night out here in Copenhagen, Denmark. And I'd like to thank see if I can remember his name. Oh, unar the comedian who opened up for me. Swear to God that was his name unar. I can't remember his fucking last name. I don't have it here. But I want to thank him for warming up the crowd. And what else? What else? Now, of course, I had an open in England and I'm fucking can't remember his name. I'm the fucking worst. Oh, well, that's the podcast for this week. Tonight's I am flying on to Norway. Oslo is the capital and

it is just west of Sweden. And in Sweden is east of Finland. Now you know my fellow Americans. So when you come to fucking Denmark, you won't have to fucking have some guy. America is so stupid with the geography. I'm just kidding. Just kidding. You little passive aggressive cunt. All right, go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast. I hope you guys have a great week. And I will talk to you to you next week from Stockholm, Sweden. These are the this will be the back to back expatriate editions of the Monday morning podcast. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Op ons kan je rekenen. Want tot de met 15 april kregen Ikea familieleden een kinder menu gratis bij aankoop van een warme maaltijd voor volwassenen.