Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-16

Episode Date: October 17, 2016

Bill rambles about Scientology, recording a special and Washington DC.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 17, 2016. What's going on? How are you? Oh, how are you? Oh, look at you. I am in Washington DC and I am doing, I got three more shows here before I fly to Nashville and then I take my next special and I think I'm ready to go. Saturday night I was ready to kill myself after the show I did because I was just, even though the show went great, people had a good time, I was just in my head the whole time going and then I'm going to do this joke and then I will do this one and then that will flow into this one. I was in fucking, I was fighting like I just was in my head and last night I was just like, you know what, fuck it, just go up and

whatever joke feels like it wants to come out, do it that way. That's the way you always do it. Just do it that way, all right? How many fucking times do you have to learn this goddamn lesson, all right? You're not the person that writes it all out and just stands up there with one hand in his pocket and the other one, you know, fucking making gestures. It's not who I am. I'm a fucking, I don't know, I gotta walk around. I gotta get out there and walk around. So I hope that isn't too loud. I'm gonna turn this down a little bit, turn down the levels. I didn't bring any of my recording shit because I'm so fucking psycho focused for this thing right now. So I don't know, like, you know what's weird is I'm gonna do this special right before the biggest fucking

election of my lifetime considering these are the two worst goddamn candidates and I'm really trying to see a light at the end of the fucking tunnel here. But what's weird is, you know, by the time my shit comes out, the election's gonna be over and you know how it is when the election's over, whoever lost within three days, I mean, it's like boy band fame. You're just gone. Like, remember, remember how quickly Al Gore disappeared? He just fucking disappeared. And then like, you know, months later, he had like this mountain man beard, like whatever, whatever fucking happened to that guy. You know, I'll tell you what else was fucked up. You know, they were bitching about Hillary and they were saying like, why is the media so silent? Because Al Gore got accused of sexual

assault? Why aren't they saying anything? And it's just like, I love how if you just get fucking accused of it. You know, there's all this shit on the side, they protect women where it's like, don't give up their identities and all of that, which I completely agree with. And I fucking hate Al Gore. But he was just anybody can just say, Yeah, this guy did this shit to me. And then all of a sudden, it's it's all over the media. And I don't know, I saw something recently. The fuck story was it? Oh, there's a movie coming out. That beast of a nation. And the guy who directed it got accused and got acquitted of rape. And everybody's going like, you know, well, I what's the what's the deal? He's like, well, he went on trial and they said

he was innocent. You know what I mean? But people that will follow that person for the rest of their life. So my thing is, if you get accused of that shit in the public, you're never innocent. So that guy got accused, he got acquitted. They said he was innocent of the crime. You know, and but because everybody knows his fucking name, you know, 20 goddamn years later, it's still coming up and tainting of whatever he's doing in his life. So then it becomes, well, I hope he fucking did it because he's getting treated as though he did. Does that make any fucking sense whatsoever? You know what I mean? And there'll be some you know, actually, it doesn't mean that he was innocent. It just means that there wasn't enough evidence to convict.

Um, which is yet another thing. But I got to tell you, like, the one I will say, and I know he's just been accused is fucking Donald Trump, right? When a bunch of broads came out and said, oh, he did this, he did that, yada, yada, yada, the Clintons are so fucking filthy. I mean, I'm just like, well, who knows if this is fucking true, right? Like, this is just coming out now. This guy's been fucking running for office for over a year and a half, and it's just coming out now. So I took it all with the grain of salt because politics are fucking filthy and no one's more filthy than the fucking Clintons. Right? But one woman finally comes on. I was riding with the lovely Mia and we're in the car and she goes to

tell her story. And rather than it to being the usual generic, and then he did this and he did that. And I felt uncomfortable and people are like, what the fuck? She goes, whatever, she's poor woman's like in her 20s. And then this fucking old creep is coming at her with his orange fucking hair, right? Which I guess that's kind of self-hatred there. But I mean, at least mine's real. And when he makes a move on her, she pushes him away. And she goes, I said, get real. And then she goes, he then pushed his genitals in like toward thrust at his genitals towards me and went, get real. And Mia and he were like, oh my God, that definitely happened. That's just too, that's just too fucking specific. So I'm being a little hypocritical here because the person

wasn't put on trial. But, but anyways, this is what the fuck I wanted to talk about. I got to do my special this week. And you know something I don't give a fuck because people are always like, well, the standup special, it should be timeless. It should be timeless. That's like, let me ask you this. I mean, and I'm not putting myself obviously in the same category. Do you give a fuck? You know, if you listen to an old kinesin thing, and he's talking about, you know, who are those fucking idiots trying to put like warning labels on albums? You know, does it matter that it did or like you listen to Richard Pryor and he's talking about Muhammad Ali and shit? Like I don't mind that it dates itself. Fuck it. Because I know

what it felt like Saturday night when I was just like, do not talk about that shit. By the time this special comes out, that stuff will already be gone. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to talk about it. And if it seems stated when we're editing, that's what the fuck I'll do. I hope this isn't boring to take you through the minutia of doing a standup special. But anyways, I'm having a great time here in DC. I went over to Georgetown yesterday. I just sort of walked the city a little bit with Joe Bartnick, which was awesome because this is one of the most confusing fucking cities as far as like, you know, trying to figure out basically where you're at. Like there was three areas of this city that I was familiar with, but I didn't know how they connected. There was the DC

improv. There was the W Hotel near the White House where I've stayed a number of times. And now there's like the National Theater and where I'm staying this time. And the thing about DC is it's all like, you know, the address is like, you know, whatever, 659 Pennsylvania Avenue. But then it's like Southwest, Northwest fucking East or whatever. And that's just like how the fuck do I mean, you need like a goddamn compass just the way this whole thing is laid out. So yesterday, I actually did a fucking walk and I kind of walked to all three of those places. And like, I didn't realize I'm at the National Theater. I'm like, I wonder where the W in the White House is compared to that. And it was like fucking two blocks over. And then like

another two blocks and about six blocks up was the improv. So I feel like I have that little corridor all memorized. And I finally flew into fucking Reagan Airport. You know, rather than flying out to fucking Dallas, which is like 30 miles, I think west of the city is some shit like that north. I don't know the fuck it is. So I land and I check a bag, which I never do. I never fucking check a bag. Like when I went to Europe, this felt like a month touring and took a quick vacation. I had a little fucking overhead compartment bag. And you know something, it was fine. Oh, hang on a second, my breakfast is here. All right, I'm back. Fuck, guy was hilarious. Guy delivering the food. I was like, Hey, what's

up? And he was just like, Hey, where were you when we need to put you? Over there on the table, be fine. Okay, you're your request. We're weird voice. Um, anyways, had a terrorist beard too. You know, pre 9 11, I would call it an Abe Lincoln beard. We just got the beard and no mustache. That was the Abe Lincoln. The fucking chin strap with the terrorist beard is the fucking no mustache, chin strap, but then it's sort of frizzed out. You know, that's a terrorist beard unless you're black. If you're black, that just means you're from Philadelphia. Okay, plowing ahead here. The hell was I talking about? Oh, who gives a shit? Was it even that important? Probably not.

Anyways, I had a great week. Before I came out here, I had a really cool experience. Do you guys remember a couple of years ago was Raven about that John Favreau movie? Chef, you haven't seen the movie. It's phenomenal. It's just such a great, great movie. And and just don't be hungry when you watch it because you will, you will consume like 12,000 calories after watching it because some of the food, basically all of the food that they make looks unbelievable. So long story short, you know, like whenever they have like end credits stuff on like a movie, you know, it's usually like outtakes or something from the actress screwing up or whatever. John had to learn how to basically, I guess, you know, they had to take cooking classes and stuff.

So he looked like he was an actual chef. So the movie's character would ring true, you know, all that actory stuff. So there was a guy showing him how to make grilled cheese sandwich. This guy, Chef Roy Choi, who had the Koji truck started the whole food truck movement up here in LA and everything. And he was showing him how to do it. And John just decided to film it when he when he when he was making this cheeseburger. And it was like so fucking intense. When the guy was doing he was like all crouched down looking at it and he was moving the grilled cheese grilled cheese sandwich you just thinking like this is something like a fucking 12 year old can make but watching this guy do it and the level of intensity the game seven fucking intensity that this guy had when he

made it. I was just like what it like blew me away. It was like I've never been that into fucking cooking something ever. You know, I've never seen it right. So long story short. I don't know if I'm supposed to say this or anything. I want them to give the shit. This would be like a teaser. But Favro's been like filming some stuff of him cooking with his chef. And I ran into him out here and he said, Hey, that guy, you know, who made the cheeseburger? I mean, the grilled cheese sandwich is going to be out there. You want to come out and watch him make it? I was like, Yeah, fucking absolutely. I would love to. So I was hanging off set and I got to watch them make it and everything and they pulled me in. Let me fucking make the grilled cheese

sandwich with them. It was one of the coolest, most surreal things I've done in this business. And the fucking grilled cheese sandwich was so good like an idiot. I'm out here on the road and they had a grilled cheese sandwich on the room service of a fucking hotel and I order it like it's going to be as good and it wasn't. Sometimes I learned that fucking lesson, but I want to thank him and Chef Roy for letting me hang out. I had such a fucking great time. I learned so much shit about cooking and what was funny was he never, he never went like, Oh, this is how you do this. You just kind of went in there and did it. And what amazed me was afterwards when I was thinking about all the stuff that I saw him do.

Just how he would just like move the grilled cheese sandwich around, how he would, you know, fuck with the temperature. I mean, I was like a fucking, I'm a robot when I cook. I'm literally like, you know, whatever, a quarter tablespoon of salt and I like take out it out and I measure it and flick the top. Like these guys, none of them use any sort of measuring whatsoever. They're constantly tasting the shit and then adjusting that temperature up. But whatever my temperatures act up with, that's what the fuck we're cooking at, which makes no sense when you really think about it. But I was just like, it's like being completely locked in on your act as opposed to just out there kind of flowing with it. And what is funny,

so they would teach me, no, you got to taste it as you're going, you know. So I was doing that. And John mentioned, he goes, yeah, when you cook like this, it tastes great. But by the time you're done, he goes, you don't want to eat it because you've tried it so many times, you're actually kind of full a little bit. And that was kind of, that was kind of the deal with everything except for the grilled cheese sandwich, made a Cuban sandwich. It was, it was crazy. The whole thing was crazy. So, so that happened. And I'm recording this shit on the garage band. And as always, I have no idea how much time has gone by. I should have just looked at the clock up top, but I didn't. But this is the new me. This is the new calmer me who refuses to let technology piss him off.

You know, I spent an hour and a half, the opening night, Bruins, their opening night, their first fucking game. Who the fuck did they play? They played Toronto Saturday. I don't even remember. But since like 2007, 2008, I have been, you know, I've had the center ice package, and I've had an account online. And I'm able to just sign in and watch the fucking games. Lo and behold, this year, I can't. So I don't flip out. I call up. I spent an hour and a fucking half talking to people from Malaysia. Okay. Cause I finally got one woman to tell me where she was at. Cause this first guy was going like, you know, he's just talking to me. And I'm like, yeah, I want to watch a hockey. He's like hockey. I'm like, yes, hockey. He goes just

like ice hockey. I'm like, yeah, Bruins, original six 2011 Stanley Cup champions. And I was like, don't flip out. And then finally, I was on the phone with this guy for like 45 minutes. He couldn't figure out what the fucking problem was. And I got a little heated. I was just like, dude, you know, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but there's a little bit of a language barrier here. And you didn't know what hockey was to start with. I should have considered that as an omen. I were 45 minutes. And if we haven't figured it out yet, like this, this isn't working out. Okay. Have a nice evening. And he said, okay, I'm sorry. And then I felt bad. And then I just fucking hung up. And then I call back and then I got another person and she's going like hockey,

like ice hockey, right? Same fucking thing. And I was saying, well, this is the problem I'm having. It's like, I'm literally trying to watch something that the person on the other side of the phone doesn't know what it is. And they're on the other side of the world. I go like, where are you right now? And she goes Asia. I go, you're in Asia. And she goes, yes, she goes, I hope that's not going to be a problem, which made me feel like a Trump supporter. I was like, no, it's not a problem. But you know what I mean? I go, you know, if you were trying to watch cricket, you had to call me up. And my cricket, like the insect or the sport, wouldn't you get frustrated? So long story short, I spent an hour and a half, I spent like half the fucking game on the phone and they still

couldn't figure it out. And I just said, you know what to hell with it. And I felt my wife watching me. You know, she kept coming in and then she was trying to get upset for me, you know, because she didn't want to see the time bomb go off. And I actually held it together. And I didn't get to see one second of the game. And I guess they have some new thing this year. You can no longer stream it. You have to pay for both now. I don't know. They got AT&T bought them. So now you have to pay for both because that's how corporations work. To make like a zillion dollars, they now they now have to make like fucking they got to make, you know, $200. It's just like, why can't you cunts just be happy

with the 70 foot yacht? Why do you always have to be for a 90 foot yacht? Fucking unbelievable, man. I don't know. You know, I was listening to fucking, I'm gonna stop moving this computer because I know like it's really loud when I do it. Sorry. I was listening to NPR, right? Well, my wife was listening to it and I was tolerating it. I like some of the fucking music, but just like their politics is just it's it's it's so it's so childlike to just be sitting there leaning all the way to one fucking side. It's just like really nobody with a blue tie does anything wrong. Everybody with a red tie is an asshole. It's almost it's like fucking political like racism in a way. But everybody thinks that they're a fucking saint. You know, one of the dumbest

things ever in those Trump rallies, like there's somebody had like a sign or a t-shirt that says fuck your feelings. I love how people on the right just think they're so fucking like hardcore and like you know, people can't handle the truth. You know what I mean? You know what they're like people on the right that are like that. They're like those, you know, like, give me some chicken, she'll just say some shit like, you know, guys are intimidated by me, you know, they can't they can't handle me, you know, and then, you know, joke I used to do with my actors, like, yeah, you ever think maybe you're just a cunt? You know, I mean, that's I'm not saying you are, but that's definitely a possibility. You know, that could be behind door number three and that

could be the fucking answer. You know, your self-involved shithead. I just, I don't know. And then like people on the left, I remember one time I was doing it, I was doing them. I had a small part in a movie and we were shooting in New Orleans and at our hotel, like this big Republican convention was coming. So they had this big banner. It was all in red. So one of the producers on the on the movie was just she was just like, oh my god, did you see that banner? I was just like, Jesus, am I in like, where am I right now? And I just looked at it, I was like, you know, people are allowed to be Republicans. She just goes, oh, I know, I'm just being that person, but they fucking drive me up the wall. Well, Chief Bill, aren't you just the

perfect fucking person? Yeah, you know what I am? I'm a fucking conspiracy theorist. And once you become that, you know, you lose a lot of friends, you drive people nuts, but you start trying to look behind whatever the fuck they're showing you. And like, I don't think it fucking matters which person wins this because, you know, the people on the other side, because they're making your fucking pay for the the center rice package on TV and now on cable, they got they got an extra revenue stream, they're selling all your fucking information. And they got all this money, they put money on both horses, so it doesn't fucking matter. So I'm listening to NPR of my wife, and they just sort of casually mentioned that scientists said the Great Barrier Reef is now dead.

And you know what they segwayed into after that? The results of the Dodgers game. So I don't know, I just think below it, we're completely fucked. And I want to thank whoever created the Great Barrier Reef. I'm sorry, we finally wrapped it around a fucking tree. That's who we're like, we're like a bunch of fucking rich kids and our and our parents bought us this beautiful fucking car and we're just out there doing neutral drops and fucking slamming it into trees. And we're going to fuck the whole thing up. You know, but unlike rich kids parents, I don't think mommy's going to get us another car. You know, when I was in fucking high school, there was these two kids, right? These two rich kids. One of them got a fucking Pontiac Trans-Am,

like a brand new one, the F-body, you know, the one that everybody fucking loved in the 80s, the Knight Rider version. He got the fucking Trans-Am. This kid was like a 16, 17 year old kid. He had a brand new like 19, whatever, 85, 86 Trans-Am. So the other rich kids parents, they're like competing, but this other kid, a fucking 1985 or 1986, Iraq Z. I mean, they were pulling up to the school. Their car was worth twice what their teacher's car was worth. I remember there was this teacher, a foreign language teacher and he had this giant boat from the early 70s and the fucking, the door lock was, like the door wouldn't close. And to this day, there's no excuse for this guy not just getting the fucking door closed, fixed. He fucking tied like a quarter

inch rope around like the handle of the door and then like 15 times around his headrest. And he'd have to get out the fucking passenger side. And one of the great things about getting old is you stop giving a fuck about what people think about you. But for the most part, that's a great thing. But in that instance, that was not a good thing. That was not a good thing for people to see, because being a teacher is a tremendous, the tremendous profession. But you can't show up in a piss yellow fucking boat that you got the fucking door tied to the headrest. I mean, as much as you love something, you want to be able to support a fucking family. I always thought we're looking at that looking back years later that there might have been a half dozen people that

were considering being a teacher, myself, one of them. And once you saw that, you're like, yeah, you know what, I don't think I want to do that. I want to walk around with a dirty sport code having to get out the passenger side of my fucking car, because I can't even afford to get the goddamn door lock fixed. You drop like three of the four years I was in high school. This guy would pull up in that fucking car. So anyways, these two kids got these cars. And so of course, they're driving around like maniacs. Of course, everybody's drinking and driving. This was the 80s. This was some sort of, I don't know, this was an activity that was done. You went out, you found someone of age to buy you a case of beer, and then you just drove around town. There was

nothing to do. You drove around town and tried to run into other kids you went to high school with. And they would be driving around with a 12 pack in their car. And then you'd be like, where you going? Then you'd find some dead end street, and you'd all go down there. And then the cops would come down and break it up. And then you'd drive around. Everybody would gather someplace else. And it was weird. There was no cell phones. And somehow everybody figured out where the hell everyone was going. So long story short, the kid who had the Trans Am ended up fucking, you know, going too fast, pushed it past the limit and went flying into a bunch of trees. Fortunately, it was smaller trees. So the trees lost the battle, but he totaled his

fucking car. That was right as we were graduating. So you know what his parents did? To teach him a lesson, they went out and they bought him a Corvette. So here's the thing. Now he's got the Corvette. He fucked up. He totaled his car. They went out and not only bought him a brand new car, they bought him an even better car. He had a Corvette. So now the other kid who didn't fuck up his car is now looking at his IROC like it's a piece of shit. So within three months, he then had a Corvette and beyond, so he could one up the other kid, he had a custom interior. He had like all this wood put on the inside of it because the 80s Corvettes, the interior was unbelievably plain. And that was the last I ever saw of either one of them because then I graduated

except for the kid who got the custom Corvette. I ran into a bar, ran into him in a bar about two years ago and he was hammered and proceeded to say some of the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life. I just sort of slowly backed away like, all right buddy, seen another 30 years. Anyways, let's read some advertising here at this point. Let me see if I can find where the fuck I'm at. I'm an idiot. I didn't put the fucking advertising out. Now you have to listen to all these clickings. I apologize. Sorry. Sorry. One last click. And we're, all right. Oh, Jesus, look who's here. It's our, it's our, it's our favorite. I don't book me undies. Me undies. Who the fuck are you gonna vote for? But do me undies, me undies, the fucking dope or the whore.

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This is really starting to feel like a cult. It reminds me of the time I almost accidentally joined fucking Scientology. Right now is your chance. I didn't almost join it. I just didn't realize what it was. You know, I thought it was an acting class. It was an acting class, but it was run by Scientology and they were all like, we have our own parking. We have our own security. I literally said, and I go, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult and the guys eyes did something weird and he was trying to figure out if I was being a wise ass or if I was fucking around. And then once I figured out what it was, I blew them off and then they kept calling me. And I finally fucking picked up and it was like, did we lose you? It's like, yeah, yeah, you did.

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and I needed to take an acting class, right? So, you know, whatever. So somebody suggested this fucking place and I went over there. I think it was the Beverly Hills Playhouse. It was the name of this fucking place and I went over there and I show up for the acting class and the teacher goes, this is so fucking weird. He just goes, okay, his big class was packed and it was a well-known actor too. So I was like, wow, man, this is going to be a fucking great class and it was, it was a great class other than the fucking creepy vibe. So to start the class, the guy goes, okay, does anybody have any news they want to share with the class? Hmm. All right. So people raised their hands and basically it was

actors talking about what they booked that week. And, you know, and there's a thing, I guess, you know, amongst actors as you're starting out, you get envious and you get jealous. So I guess this was a reaction to this, what this, that was this whole exercise was about. People put their hands up. This is like, you know, fucking the mid 90s or some shit. And so it'd be like, yeah, I just booked, I booked a guest star on on on friends. And then the whole class like ridiculously loud and for a ridiculous amount of time, we just go, whoa, like clapping and screaming, like somebody just cured cancer. And then it all died down. I was just like, what the fuck was that? And then somebody else goes, Oh, yeah, hey, I just, you know, I just booked a reoccurring on Union Square.

It'd be crazy. So then once that shit dies down, I was immediately like, Hey, man, I knew LA was a little different. But what the fuck is this? They go, Hey, we got a couple of new students here auditing the class. He just moved here from New York City. Please welcome Bill Burr. And they, they, they clapped and cheered just as loud as they did for the other people that booked like friends. But here's the thing, when they were cheering, no one was looking at anyone. They were just sort of staring straight ahead, clapping and screaming as loud as you possibly could. And I remember like my face turned red, like I got embarrassed, like what the fuck. And then that's when I, you know, after the class, we took the first break and the actor

teaching the class and the actors were great, you know, other than the weird vibe, right? So I fucking go up there and the other guy goes, How are you doing? And I looked and I was like, God, doing good. Because he's a great actor. He totally read me. He goes, he goes to the beginning of the class was, was that a little bit too much? I was like, Yeah, it might have been. So I go in the back, you know, now they're going to try to get the money out of me like every acting class does. This is nothing against Scientology. So that's when I sat down. And that's when the guy was just like, you know, we're very self sufficient. We have our own security, we have our own parking, everything was their own. And that's when I said, I said, Jesus Christ, you

know, I had said to break the tension. It was so fucking weird. So I just made this joke. Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm joining a cult. It was me and this other kid sitting there. I don't know what the fuck ever happened to him. I don't know if he's clear yet, or he fucking moved back to Iowa. I have no idea what. But the guy made like this weird face when I said it. And so I left and I was like, Wow, that was fucking weird. But it was still still like it was a good class though, you know. And I really liked acting class and that type of shit. And so I was still kind of on the fence. And I ended up running to somebody later on that night, I think at the lab factory. And I mentioned,

and the person was like, where, where, where was the class? And I said, it was the Beverly Hills Playhouse. And he just goes, build that Scientology. You'll get the fuck out of here. It's an acting class. They said, no, but it's yeah, they're trying to recruit you into that religion. So I've got all fucking weirded out. And, you know, they just kept calling leaving messages on my fucking answer machine. And then that's, you know, finally, they called again. And I've been ducking them for like three days. And after three days, I was just like, you know, I thought they were watching me and shit, I got all fucking paranoid, not saying they were, but I just, you know, you know, I mean, I'm a fucking conspiracy theorist. Last thing I need is an actual cult

fucking hounding me. That was not good for my psyche. So finally after three days, they called again. And that's just, I was like, when am I a fucking bitch? I can't just call these people up and say, go fuck yourself. So I just picked up the phone. I'm like, hello. And they're like, Beverly Hills Playhouse. I go, yeah, man, I'm all set. And the guy's like, oh, did we lose you? I was like, yeah, you did. All right. Don't call me anymore. He goes, okay, fine. And then that was that they left me alone. But that was, I think it's because it was early on, you know, so I have to deal with Donald Southern. And like, when I walked out to my car later on that night, just pointing at me like an invasion of the body snatches, you know, not to say that Scientology

is any more or less fucked up than my religion, you know, I've always maintained that the imposition was filmed like my, my religion wouldn't exist anymore. That's what happened with the Nazis. They filmed this shit. So no one's ever going to forget it. The shit that my religion did was never filmed. So it's just like stick figures and drawings and not cares, you know what I mean? But to actually have the actual footage of like, oh, yes, not only did it really happen, this is what it looked like. It's a fucking wrap. What am I talking about? All right, let's get back to fucking the subjects here I wanted to talk about instead of Scientology and Holocaust footage. What do we got here? What do we got here? Oh, you know, I didn't even mention last,

I didn't even mention I even congratulate the fucking Cleveland Indians for sweeping the red socks. And you know, I'm wondering if I always pick on Dan Shaughnessy, which, you know, to be fair isn't fair. But for me to just single him out is kind of funny. So I'm going to continue just trashing him. The fucking I'm I wonder if it did Dan Shaughnessy or any of those other guys who demanded the red socks make a change after we had that fucking collapse in 2012. Was it 2012? We had the collapse in September. Or whatever the fuck it was. I can't remember what the hell it was. All I remember was however we got rid of Terry Francona was we had basically we know we didn't win the world

series. We didn't win the playoffs for how many years in a row. And then everybody demands a fucking change like this guy who won two World Series with us. Oh, by the way, we had one in 86 years. Suddenly does not know how to win a fucking championship anymore. So we fucking, you know, the sports writers demand a trade. The ownership fucking gives into it or whatever. I mean, I'm not saying they actually literally listen to these guys. But like, I just would love these sports writers that demanded the red socks make a fucking move. You know, at least acknowledge the fact. Oh, there's Terry Francona all these years later coming back and sweeping our ass. You know, the first round of the playoffs Theo Epstein is running the Cubs right now.

I don't know. These are all like former Red Sox. They all knew what the fuck they were doing. Why did we get rid of all of these guys? Theo Epstein is a fucking genius. This guy's gonna break the he already broke the curse of the baby helped do that. Now he's gonna break the curse of the goat. Right? Automatic Hall of Fame. John Lester's pitching for him. It's like this whole postseason is just littered with former fucking Red Sox. But you know what? What do I care? We won three. Who gives a fuck? We won three this decade. Am I actually going to complain about that? Oh, I think I am. No, not really. I don't give a fuck. You know what it is? I think it's safe to say I want to see a Cubs Indians World Series. I mean, I like the Dodgers.

Blue Jays, I don't mind. Although Getty Lee one time talked shit about the Red Sox and their fans. And ever since then, I just hated Toronto Blue Jays fans. You know, I blame him. Getty Lee from Rush, the bass player. You know, today's Tom Sawyer's a mean, mean, huh? Yeah. So I would love to see that. Both of them, they're already doing like all this. Every you know what fucking sucks about being in a drought. Like the Cubs are in like the ESPN or all these guys, they just have to fucking sit there and just splice together. Every fucking horrible thing that happened. And they just try to make it, you know, I got so sick of that as a Red Sox fan. So I have, I have a lot of empathy for Cubs fans because they don't do it to the Indians as much as the Indians try to

fans try to act like they're long suffering Indian fans. It's like, dude, you know, it's 1948, you've suffered half as fucking long. All right. And then also nobody was in and I'm gonna say this about the Cubs. Nobody chants 1908 at you. You know, the way they chanted 1918. I was at a fucking Devil Rays game back when they were the Devil Rays. Before those dopes thought that sounded too evil. Fucking clear water cunts. They chanted 1918 at us when I went to a game down in Tampa, and they were chained. I was just looking at you like I was like, are you fucking serious? Yeah, we haven't won in 86 fucking years, but we still got five more than you. They chanted that at us. I went to an interleague game at the old veteran stadium in Philadelphia.

And I'm like, like these guys went over 100 years, they went from like 1880 something, almost 100 years to 1980. But they had won one in 1980 so that they gave them the fucking right to chant that shit at us. I don't know. And then Cubs fans, you always go on that during the day, you're taking your shirts off. It just looks like a big keg party. And it almost looks like you don't even give a fuck. You know what? Fuck it. Let's see the Dodgers and Bluechase. No, I don't give a shit. I'm just, I absolutely love playoff baseball. I don't know what happens. The second it becomes October, and they throw all those extra microphones, and you can just hear the ball hit in the mid. It just takes this whole other level of like, like the whole mystique of the national pastime,

just fucking comes to life. Like I don't, for the fucking life of me, if they wanted to increase their ratings to keep whatever those playoff microphones are, where you can just fucking hear everything, you can really hear the sound of the crowd and all of that. If you just would, well, maybe we get spoiled. I don't fucking know. All I know is it sounds completely different. And that adds to the whole thing. And I've missed every second, every fucking pitch, because I've been working, but I take my special on Friday. And then after that, I'm going to be, I'm going to be just, I'm going to watch every fucking pitch. Oh, I can't wait. I can't fucking wait. Oh, I'm putting my feet, I'm putting my feet up,

but I'm going to keep working out. Because I'm down to basically my, I'm a few pounds, I'm going to be a few pounds over, but I'll be fine for the special. And, but I'm going to keep going and get myself into fucking ridiculous shape like it was last year. And the next thing I'm adding to my gym are those fucking Swedish buzz. So that's my goal. By the time I'm 50, I want to be able to do the human flag. I'm already working on a front lever, which is really fucking hard, man, just because it's just muscles you don't use, you know, you ever see somebody do a pull-up and then they just go straight out and they look like they're just like parallel with the ground as they hold onto the, to a pull-up bar. I've been gradually

building up the strength to do that. I can now hang from the bar with my, my knees tucked up into my chest. It's all about balance. And you have to put, you actually have to be like pretty much behind the bars. So like the weight, especially me with my big head has to be on one side. And then gradually you start to extend one leg a little bit until you can hold the whole fucking thing. And I don't know, whatever. I have to be working towards shit like that or like workouts just become, it's like me trying to write down my jokes. It just becomes like this unbelievably tedious thing. All right. And with that, let's fucking, is there anything else I wanted to say? Tennessee, Alabama, poor Tennessee. Jesus Christ, they were fucking rolling there.

And they just ran into a couple of top opponents. Dude, Alabama looks like fucking world beaters. Wisconsin, Ohio State was an amazing game. I watched that one, felt bad for Wisconsin, man. They had that fucking game. And then Dak Prescott of the Dallas Cowboys. Jesus Christ. The guy looks like a five-year vet. But anyways, I got to tell you this, man, I've gone almost a week without losing my shit and it feels pretty good. Like I got to, I don't know, I got to keep doing this type of stuff because I don't want to be, I don't want to be a rage on my whole fucking life. And I don't know, you guys, oh, that's going to affect your comedy. No, it isn't. Believe me, I get plenty left in the reserve

tank for when I get on stage. All right. Let's read some of your questions here for this week. All right. All right. Well, here's a note from Andrew. Bill got tons of emails from people who watched and loved last week's Simpsons episode, as well as this guy who suggests you check it out. Oh, this guy didn't know I was in the episode. Said, Hey Bill, next time you're trying to get your ginger ass in shape for 20 minutes, turn on the newest Simpsons episode and watch it during, between your legs during Pilates. There are Patriots and Boston references and I think you'd really like it. I hope to hear you laugh about it in the podcast, not on the podcast. Yes, sir. I was actually, I was in that episode. I was the guy who said, we won 12 division titles in the last

10 years, fair and square. I was the guy in the, in the tunnel. And I think I did one of the, they said I did one other one. I didn't record. I think I was in the other room by that. All right. Westworld, not saying I didn't watch and love the episode, but I have like fucking ADD. I can only sit there for so goddamn long. I'm scatterbrained. All right, Westworld. Hey Billy Bot, I'm fascinated with artificial intelligence. You mentioned Westworld in a 60 minute piece last week and I wanted to share with you this perspective on AI. Westworld is the most compelling aspect of AI's advancement. Westworld is the most, I think he meant to go Westworld. He goes, the most compelling aspect of AI's advancement is that when it does in fact

surpass the human brain in all aspects and be, and begins to consider self preservation, it will happen almost completely overnight as far as the public is concerned. I suggest you watch this short TED talk by Sam Harris. I actually watched that. We will put up the link. He also talks about the political implications on the world stage, i.e., would China launch an attack if they thought we were dangerously close to losing control of our technology? It seems as if... See, this is why, you know, I already can't read. This guy writes a sentence. It seems as if though you would need all world leaders as if though, is that grammatically correct? Oh, it seems as if, comma, which isn't there, though you would need all world leaders and tech leaders to focus their

efforts on controlling the AI instead of advancing it further. Period. I don't know how to read that sentence. This seems unlikely. It'd be like jerking off to just the point before completion for the rest of eternity. Good luck out there. Oh, yeah, all the world leaders would, yeah, would want to try to control it. Yeah, no, yeah, it's not going to happen. I don't understand why we're doing it. And I don't understand why there has to be these constant technological improvements. It's just all based on money. I mean, what if it just stopped right here? Like, how fucking great is your life right now? If you're in a first world country, you're not the person putting together these devices that makes our lives so great in a third world country. It's fine. We should have

just fucking... We're just sitting at the blackjack table rather than just taking our winnings and just going back to our room. We're just fucking sitting here. And eventually, we're just going to crap out. We're going to lose it all. I absolutely believe that 100 fucking percent. And I think it is just so fucked up, weird and bizarre that even if you're not a conspiracy theorist, what is the fucking purpose of making robots to this goddamn level? You know what I mean? It's just a bunch of fucking weirdos at the top. I'm telling you, they want to phase out the rest of us. And they just want a bunch of zombies that will do whatever the fuck they want them to do and that they can fuck and do whatever the hell they want to them. And then

eventually, they'll just take them over and they'll fucking kill them. Or is that like one of the many movies that I've watched about it? Anyways, you know, I'm a paranoid psycho, but I think in this instance, I think it's good to be paranoid. All right, roommate psycho. Hey there, you're freckly bastard. I've been living with a guy for about six months. We've known each other for about a year. Everything has been good between us with no issues, which is weird because I never have a good experience with roommates. Well, if you never have a good experience, you got to start looking at yourself. Either who you're picking or maybe you're the asshole. You know, maybe you're a cunt. All right, anyways, over the weekend, I went out of town to visit family and while I was

away, he got drunk, went into my room, tore up a body pillow on my bed. When I got back, he had a guilty look on his face, told me that what happened and then apologized. Needless to say, it was fucking awkward and all I could say was that strange behavior and tried to break the awkwardness by kind of jokingly asking him not to kill me. Nothing else has been said since regarding the issue. What do you think I should do? I want to talk to a psychiatrist to see what he thinks, but I figure you are the next best option. In other words, you're too cheap to get a professional opinion. You're going to ask me. First things first, I get a lock on my bedroom door. Dude, if you're literally concerned for your safety, I would fucking move out.

That's what I would do. I would basically, I would get another fucking place without telling this fucking person. I would move 80% of my shit over there. I would then fucking tell him in the presence of one of my friends that I was leaving and, you know, and I would just, you know, pay for the last half of the month and I would get the fuck out of there. Dude, if you're honestly, if you're going to go see a psychiatrist and you're worried that this guy's going to do some sort of bodily harm to you, I would get the fuck out of there. I don't care how nice an apartment it is. I don't give a shit if your name's on the fucking lease. I would just leave. The fact that he got drunk and went into your room and like violently attacked a body pillow. I mean, and you're sitting

there going like, did what, when he was, he's so drunk that he went in there, he saw that giant lump and he thought it was me under the pillows and that could have been, yeah, fuck that guy. And why do you have to feel awkward around him? Why do you have to break the tension? Yeah, you should have been like, dude, that's, that's completely psychotic behavior. I need you to fucking move out. You say that after you get rid of all the knives. Yeah, I would just, yeah, move on. The fuck out of there. All right, Russia ready for war? War? War? Hey Bill, did you hear Russia called all its foreign dignitaries back to the homeland? This isn't uncommon before an attack, but also probably just a scare tactic. If one day someone

came on the news and said, Russia threatened to bomb the west coast, what would your state of mind be? I would be completely chill. Would you be like, nah, never going to happen? Or would you get in your new green car and hit the road with the lovely Nia and Cleo in tow? No, no, if Russia attacks us, I want to be the first person to get killed. Yeah, I don't want to live through that. I have no desire to live through a fucking world war. You know what I mean? It's one thing to actually be in the army, you know what I mean? And you got a group of pals and shit. But if you're going to be like the fucking, you know, just the old farmer in the town, wondering which armies coming up the road next, I don't need that shit. You know, yeah, that's like that fucking, the fat

fuck there in North Korea when he said he was going to shoot a missile at Los Angeles. It's like, great, I hope you shoot it right at my house. I like the way the world is right now and whatever I was going to use the word cataclysmic, but I was worried that I wouldn't say it right. Whatever fucking major thing happens, like, I don't want to survive it. I want to be the first person to go and like, you know, yeah, just be sitting there with my fucking little downloaded music listening to it. And then it's over. And then when like, all the rest of this shit happens, yeah, I don't want to fucking live through it. Start all over again. You know,

fucking people getting polio again in the mumps. All right, Cleo eating grass. Hello, Bill, I owned a dog for 12 years, passed away in 2014. Sorry to hear that. Sometimes when we were out walking, it would dive into the bushes and chew on grass. From my observations, it usually exhibited this behavior. If it's deworming shots were long overdue, four month intervals, deworming removes irritating flora that has accumulated in the gut. As a result of eating contaminated food or other nasty stuff, your dog may have licked off the floor while you're not around. A dog that is due for deworming has poor appetite, may vomit food and sometimes lays lay down awkwardly due to intestinal cramps. My dog has shown none of those symptoms. My theory at the time was since

dogs are not herbivores, herbivores, I don't know, ingesting grass was nature's way of getting fibrous roughage into the gut, like a broom to sweep out the irritating gut. The end result was that after eating grass, my dog would later throw up a chunk of undigested food or take a huge dump and he would be fine for many weeks after that purge. Yeah, but my dog eats grass all the fucking time. I hope my explanation was clear enough. It may not have been proven scientifically or maybe it has. You could look up dog deworming, but I figured since you've complained about it in more than one podcast and no listeners have written to you about it yet, I could relate my own experiences with that behavior in a dog. Nevertheless, the best solution would be stick

to the dog's deworming shots routine. I think we do that. Congratulations on your new Jag. Thanks for the podcast. Yeah, I always thought it was like some sort of, I thought they ate grass when they were sick, but then she was just kind of doing it all the time. Who knows? I mean, who knows what the fuck they put in dog food? So yeah, but we always have her up to date on all our stuff. All right, road rage. Dear Billiam, I have a solution to your road rage. Oh, okay, I'm all ears. It's a tactic I use to keep my cool when I'm behind the wheel. Bear in mind, this tactic only works if the windows are rolled up. Whenever you feel the urge to curse or yell, just pretend to do so, mouthing curse words and whatever else you want to say. All right, I'm already out, dude. That's

just fucking weird. I'm not doing that. I'm not mouthing. Fuck you, you fucking cunt. Shake your fists in the air and pretend to slam the steering wheel. Don't damage that Corinthian leather there. That's hilarious. Whoever upset you by cutting you off will see you losing your shit and fear for their safety. But the jokes on them, you're just faking it. You may look like a maniac, but it's also a lot of fun. Oh, I guess because it's so silly. It takes so much energy and concentration to just pretend to freak out that you quickly cool down and possibly forget what you got mad about in the first place. I hope this tip helps and congrats on the new car. There's a lot to be said for strength from the pack, especially when it comes to European

sports sedans. Best regards. Yeah, you know what I do when somebody cuts me off now in public, I just go, ah, you know, nice move. You know, I would have done that. I try to find the fucking humor. What I was actually thinking of doing was having a post-it or something, a checklist in my car before I got in the car. And even if it's as simple as just drawing a smiley face, you know, don't let the cunts win underneath it and just, I don't know, just gradually driving down the road. The big thing is for me is if I'm late because I flip out even when I'm not late. But if I'm fucking late, which is my fault, I start driving like an asshole. I'm flipping the fuck out. And but I'm really going to work on it. And I've been great for like the last seven days,

but like an asshole, you always hear me on the podcast. Do I go, did you notice? Did you notice, Nia? I'm still like a little fucking kid where I need like the attention and the fucking approval. So I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not going to do it for her fucking approval. I have to do this, you know, because it's the right fucking thing to do rather than trying to get praised for my fucking wife over the whole over the bullshit. But I am, I've decided I'm going to, I'm going to beat this thing because I think I can because I never, I don't know, I never, I never tried to work on it. Really? You know what I mean? Like I, I worked on getting better as a comedian. That happened. I worked on better at getting drums. That happened. I worked on getting a

pilot's license. That happened. I never worked on my fucking temper. I just viewed it as like, well, that's how I'm wired. I don't know what the fuck you want me to do all that shit. So I would like to be, you know, I'm just, I'm done being that guy. I'm trying. I can hear all you guys laughing like there's no fucking, this is like, it's just not going to happen. Like sometimes I feel like I can beat my temper. And then other times I feel like I'm, I'm deciding that I'm going to like, I can't dunk a basketball. And it's like, well, I've decided that I'm going to learn how to dunk a basketball. It's just one of the things like, dude, if you can't jump, you can't fucking jump. Sometimes it feels like that. Like literally, I'm trying to,

like, I'm going to learn how to sing, dude, your tone deaf. You can't fucking sing. You know, there's just certain things you just weren't born with that gift. And sometimes I feel like my temper is like that. But hopefully, hopefully that isn't the case. All right, let me read the last couple of advertisements here. Legal zoom. Attention to detail is key when you run a business. Oh, you mean you can't just wing it there? You can't afford to take your eye off the prize even for a moment. Are either one of those sentences necessary? Attention to detail is key when you run a business. Really? You can't afford to take your eye off the prize even for a moment. So don't let things like legal questions become a distraction. Use legal zoom instead. Legal

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your fucking guns and roses, 80s shit. Sometimes it's just so fucking early and I'm so old. Like I need to fucking I need something a little more like just mellow, you know, just to try to fucking ease my way into it. And I found that, you know, those albums have been great for me. So anyways, stamps.com continuing on some small businesses still have still think an expensive postage meter is the only way to get postage without having to go to the post office, but they're wrong, wrong. Donald Trump, wrong. They're stamps.com was stamps.com. You can easily print postage for any letter or package using your your computer and printer. No extra hardware to buy, no long term contracts. Stamps.com could save you at least 50%

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All right, there we go. I think that is the podcast here for this week. I'm scrolling now through my whole iTunes. I don't understand. You know what? I can't play any of my fucking music. It says too many devices have already been cleared to listen to iTunes so it doesn't let me listen to it anymore. And I don't remember the passwords of anything else on any other device. I don't know what other devices they're saying. Does it mean my old laptops that are dead, I got to turn them back on, find the cord, plug them in and do what? You know? Unlet them listen to fucking iTunes? Or does it mean there's too many devices in the house? I have no fucking idea. As far as I know,

it's just my laptop and my phone. How can that be too many devices? Whatever. All right, here's the album alone. It hasn't come out yet. The pretenders alone. I know it's coming out in like a week or so. But lately, when I've been like lifting, I've been listening to like the whole Learning to Crawl album. It's actually fucking great for working out. Who would have thought? I always thought you had to have this really aggressive shit. I don't know. I'm all over the fucking place and I can't figure it. You know, I got kicked off of my own fucking Facebook. Somebody sent me something for these fucking pictures. I don't know if I got phished or whatever. Now I can't get into my I can't get into my my own account. And they said the only way I can turn my account back on

is if I send them a picture of myself and I'm just thinking like, well, how the fuck do you know what I look like? So I'm officially done with Facebook. You know? Like, let's see. Okay, you know what? Let me see if I can go on to Facebook right now. So let's see if my computer will let me. My phone won't. This is just extra time people. This isn't even the podcast anymore. This is just you. Yeah, see, I'm done. Email or phone. I don't even recognize. I fucking hate this shit. Now what I gotta do? I gotta spend like another 20 hours trying to figure this out. It's not even worth it to me. Why do I care if someone phished my fucking account

anyways? What are they going to do with it? You know what I mean? Congratulations. You have my Facebook. See, there you go. This is new me. You all be would have flipped out. I don't give a shit anymore. You know what? You win. You win Facebook. You win technology. You fucking cunts. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you for listening. Thank you. Everybody's been coming out to my shows this week in DC. And I'm really looking forward to putting this thing to bed. Come this Friday at the Ryman in Nashville, Tennessee. Then old freckles is on fucking vacation for the rest of the year. Cannot wait. All right, go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Buy the Laissez app and cook me. Yeah, the Laissez. Me with a cleaver.