Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-17-22

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Bill rambles about obsolescence, tomato soup vandalism, and a shitty roommate. Roman:  Get 20% off your first order at www.Roman.com/BURR  Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, for Monday, October 17th, 2022. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? That fucking lights burnt up. I gotta fix that. You know, I'll tell you, your day just never seems to end, doesn't people? And people who don't have children just can't understand. How much is that like a fucking like thing that human beings do? Like they're always pointing to like, well, unless you do what I do, you don't understand, you know, whatever the emotion you're feeling, you don't know what laughter is until you've done X, Y, and you don't know what crying is until you're getting your vag waxed and the power goes out, you know, whatever

the fuck you said. Whatever the fuck they're doing. It's like, no, everybody knows it. Everybody just knows different degrees, different degrees, different degrees of it. If you knew the podcast, this is the level of intellect on this thing, different degrees of it. Like I remember one time I was fucking, I was, I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was doing some, I did out like my millionth school in the state of Kansas. And I was trying to explain it to this guy. And the guy, I forget what the fuck I was, but the guy was like, Bill, not now, don't tell me about Kansas. And I was like, all right. And I found out he spent a weekend up there with the next girlfriend. And then all of a sudden he just fucking knew everything. And I had to shut the fuck up. And

meanwhile, I had probably stood in about 40 different cafeterias in front of these college kids in the late 90s and 2000s who had no idea that there was going to be a show eating my balls and then driving, you know, I don't know how many, what the fuck did I know this guy spent? I'll be, don't, don't, don't tell me about Kansas now. Don't even try to tell me about that state. I was there for three days. That's all I need. You know, I got a bunch of East Coast friends that came out here for a weekend and told me Hollywood is so phony and plastic. It's like, wow, you really got around. Yeah. How many people did you even fucking talk to? What happened? You came out here and they didn't have, they didn't have a D'Angelo's and you freaked out and saw some chick with big

tits walking down the street. And you're like, it's just what I thought it was just like how I already had my mind made up that it was going to be. Those are fun people to be around, you know. And then they bitch all about it. And then you first it bothers you. By at first, I mean, for two decades it bothered me. And then I suddenly realized like, well, what's great about that is that person's not going to live out here. So it's kind of good. You disagree with them. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, this place sucks. That's, that's why I live here. Yeah, everybody's fake. Everybody lies to you. Yep. Not like where you're from. Everybody just tells the truth, don't they? You know, when they give you an estimate for

how much it's going to cost you to redo that bathroom. I mean, it is right down to the fucking nickel. It's exactly what they said it was going to be. You know, all these Hollywood phony people, if only Hollywood people could be as honest as somebody who redos houses. Whatever the fuck you call them. If only the people in show business could have the fucking integrity of the people on Wall Street, of car salesmen, of every other motherfucking, you know, that that's why like meeting like an honest, truly honest, I'm not saying there's not like, you know, lying motherfuckers in this business. I mean, yeah, obviously every business there is that. That's why it's so nice to actually meet somebody that's like, yeah,

this is what's going to be and I don't want to overcharge you and it's going to be done on time. And you're like, are you fucking real? Am I dreaming this right now? I don't know. Maybe that's why people steal after a while, because when they're actually being nice people, people just keep going like, I can't believe you're not fucking me even harder. And then they start thinking, oh, should I have been? And then they start doing it. Right. Maybe that's what happens. I don't know. I don't know what happens. I can tell you this. I've had a few good things happen this week. I've had a couple of fucking annoying things happen this week, but I've remained even keeled.

You know, we had some friends of mine over and they brought their kids something we've been trying to do since before COVID and they came over and right before they came over, you know, they were picking up coffee. So I said, get me a triple espresso. I know, I know this is my new booze. Now I'm fucking into this shit. So now I got to take a week off from coffee because it has a little bit of a hold on me. Okay. But when I quit it, I don't get the headache. So I'm not totally fucked up, but like, I don't know that whole thing, like I was tired and now I'm not tired. And now there's all of these studies that shows that it doesn't wake you up. It actually just blocks the signal that you're tired. I mean, did they

really need to do a study on that? I don't know how something makes you untired. If you're fucking tired, you're tired. That's like being becoming undead. The only thing that makes you untired is sleep. But the problem is, is there's two groups of people that don't give a fuck about your level of sleep, your boss and your kids. That's it. They just keep driving the fucking slave driving you down the street. And that's why I want somebody from Mexico right now to chime in. And I want to know if the urban myth of the siesta every day or whatever, if, if, is that true? Do you guys actually take naps in the afternoon or some other country like Spain? You always hear like those, those, those little towns along the Mediterranean and in the summertime, you know,

they just think everything just closes around noon and doesn't open back up again until like three in the afternoon and everybody goes home and just takes a fucking nap. I don't know if it was Mexico. I don't know if it's Spain. I don't know if it was Albuquerque. I don't know where the fuck I heard. I heard it. It sounded weird to me when I was younger, but now that I'm old, I'm like, that sounds fucking amazing. Imagine getting to work at like 830 and just knowing you got a nap coming at noon, like a three hour fucking nap. Just as a country, wouldn't you be willing to drop in the rankings like the Alabama Crimson Tide? That's such a douche to just drop in the rankings. Why do we need to keep saying that we're the number one country? We know we're not.

You know, I'm not saying you don't love the place. I'm not saying it's not one of the most beautiful countries out there. It absolutely is to look at it, but we don't make anything here anymore. We keep printing all this fucking money, inflation's going through the roof, and we blame ties. He's got a blue tie. He has a red tie. Those people are evil. Fucking morons. You know what we make here? We make weed and a lot of noise. No, what else do we need? We gotta make something else. I know we make weed and we make Shinola. I bought a watch from them. They make everything from bicycles to watches. I don't know. They have a hotel in Detroit, right? It'd be great if they

actually fucking made cars here again. Wouldn't it be great if somehow unions and the people that run corporations could actually stop being selfish cunts and find a fucking middle ground and bring some jobs back here and just make a fucking American car here? Wouldn't that be fantastic? And what if the union guy took all his fucking benefits and then didn't lean on a shovel? And what if the corporate guy didn't try to fuck the union guy so he'd go to Epstein Island? Everybody's got that little things that they're doing wrong. Wouldn't that be fantastic? Going back to the times with everybody in town, you didn't even have to finish high school. All you had to do is just walk out of your high school. If you could go to someplace and buy a

lunchbox, you had a fucking job, right? A little hard hat. You put your local fucking football teams logo on it or whatever. You go to work. You laugh. You have a great time. You drink Boilermakers. You ignore your family. You drop of a heart attack in your 50s. What was wrong with that America? Now look at us. We don't make anything here. And all we do is go in social media and fucking Photoshop our lives. I don't know. I'll do it, but a lot of people do it. But not me, man, because I'm so fucking real. No, I don't photoshop my life. There's nothing to photoshop. If I was going to photoshop my life, I would have first got hair plugs. You don't post enough on social media. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, the world does not want to look at a

bald ginger every day and what his life is like. You know what it's like. I'm constantly going to CDS trying to find a higher sunblock as we slip into whatever the fuck this next thing is with nature is, um, I'll tell you what I did do is I cleaned out my fucking closet. Like I had, uh, I had so much goddamn shit and I'm doing this tour and people are giving me a lot of gifts and stuff like that. So I'm just, it's, which is amazing, which fucking funny, man, making insane money. I don't, you know, they still, cause it just, I don't know what it is. So, um, I was like, all right, something's got to give here. And I looked at my closet and I was like, I don't wear 90% of this shit. And I just fucking broke it down to what I wear and what I don't wear. And

all of a sudden it was, it was nice. So, uh, but I'm not throwing it out. It's not going to the ocean and I'm not taking it down to that half a face place, whatever the fuck it's called down there. Looks like the letter G and it's smiling at you. Goodwill. Bam. G. Goodwill. Got it. You know, they dump half this shit in the fucking warehouse and eventually it ends up at SeaWorld. And that's why those, those goddamn killer whales are constantly fucking attacking their, their trainers. You know what I mean? They're swimming around with like Osh Bosh, all that Osh Gosh shit. What do you call those things? What are those basic galoshes? How about being ruined the galosh, you know, by making those duck boots like fashionable?

I don't know what I'm talking about. Um, anyway, so I'm getting rid of a bunch of that shit and, you know, all of these fucking stupid ass suits that I bought and all of this shit that I've just had for years and like suits are so fucking dumb. If you buy it like a crazy patterned suit, it looks great for like about a year and then it just goes out of style. Whatever fucking anchorman shit that people retro thing they were trying to do, it just fucking goes out of style. So I think I'm going to go to Indochino and I'm going to buy like fucking four suits. I'm not going to tell my wife I'm going to do this. I'm going to go to Indochino. This is not an ad. This is just the truth because I went to a fucking wedding

and I blew all this money in this suit and this guy had the best suit there. I go, where'd you get this thing? He goes, he goes, this suit was 175 bucks. I think he went to Indochino, but it had a really cool pattern and then he had a nice shirt with some shoes on, cuff links and stuff. And like, nobody fucking knows. Nobody gives a shit. And then if you spend 175 bucks on the goddamn thing, you don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck if you get a little fucking little salsa on it later on that night. So, uh, I think I'm just, I'm just going to clear the fucking table and, um, you know, everybody talks about how fucking Einstein, you know, figured out how to make a bomb that could wipe out all those people, you know,

E equals MC squared and all that, you know, and they, but the big thing that stands out for me, because I don't understand how any of that shit works. I mean, don't get me wrong. I was always trying to buy illegal fireworks, but, you know, I was about as far as it went. Um, I like that, that he had, he wore the exact same shit every day. I'm sure his wife didn't like it, you know? Dude, that guy was so smart. He didn't even brush his hair. Like that's how much he was thinking. You ever noticed that? Like people who are like super smart always have like sleep in their eye and stuff. It's like, like when they're like looking in the bathroom mirror, like they don't even see themselves. I just figured, I just, you know, those movies when somebody's really smart,

they just, they superimpose over their face, like all these fractions and numbers and squiggly lines with letters floating by. And what's funny is nobody in the righteous room knows what any of that shit means. And they're just like, you know, math shit floats across the face of the main character. Um, yeah, like I feel like when they brush their teeth, like that's what they see. You know, I don't know if they do that. I just watched too many movies about smart people, you know, then all of a sudden they just have like an idea and they grab their wife's lipstick and they write it on a fucking mirror and they storm out of the house. And then like the wife comes home later and she's just like, Albert, Albert, I bought you a sandwich. Then she senses something's wrong

and she's just like, Albert. And then she rushes upstairs, you know, and the wind's blowing through the open window and she just looks in the mirror and it says E equals MC square. And she gasped for breath. Then she sticks her head out the window and then we have a long shot of the house and she's just like that was egghead sleepless in Seattle. Like what if Tom Hanks character was a scientist, right? And Meg Ryan's character was still whatever she was. I never really, I started to watch that movie and I just didn't give a shit about either one of them. You know, it was just something about them talking on the fucking phone. And I didn't know what they were talking about, but it was like fucking annoying. Like at no point did Tom Hanks ever be like, Hey, you know, so what do you look

like? What are you wearing? Come on, it's late. Gives a fuck. You know, you got your titties out. Rated are sleepless in Seattle. I'm driving over there now. Anyway, I had another great day with technology. I went to go, I had a flight lesson today just to kind of, you know, blow the rust off whatever the fucking expression is. And I wanted to do a couple of approaches, you know, remember the instrument rating that I was going to get before my life got so busy. So we went to go do an approach and I charged up my tablet, whatever the fucking iPad. I charged it up. I was all happy. I was all excited that I actually thought about that instead of 20 minutes before I left and then I go up there with like 30% juice at 100%. And then I get up there and I click on four flight and

it's just like, yeah, your four flight expired two weeks ago. But for some reason it was working on my phone. And my instructor's like, well, that's weird. It usually lets you use it on three different devices. And I'm only using it on two. So that was like a what the fuck. Then I get home. I have to listen to music that they're composing for the movie. I can't figure out the password. I don't have it written down on my phone to get into the fucking thing where I can listen to it. I'm like, oh, I know I have it on my laptop. And my laptop is plugged in. I'm like, yes, 100% juice. And I go and I fucking click on it. And whatever reason, like the prongs coming out of the plug, like one of them wasn't quite in because they're like collapsible, like the travel one, so it didn't

charge at all. And then in my podcast studio, the fucking whatever the fucking garage band doesn't recognize something. So I'm doing this on my phone. And I was really just thinking that I was thinking like, as far as technology, making your life easy versus the quality of life you have constantly having to troubleshoot what's wrong with the new miracle device that you bought, that you spent all this fucking money on that with within three years is not going to be worth a shit. You know what I mean? That's the thing about that's the deal about technology. There's not going to be like meekum auctions in the future coming up next. We got some Microsoft, you know, power. We got a 2002 home computer. Nobody gives a fuck. It's just over. You buy cars,

you buy toys, you buy baseball cards, all of that shit, fucking video games, old video games, everything appreciates and value. I guess video game stuff does, but like these fucking laptops and the phones and all of that shit, I don't know. It's like fashion. You know, your wife has to have something, right? She's got to have this thing and she puts it on, she fucking looks great. And within two years, if she wears it again, she looks fucking ridiculous, right? But if she just bought some bullshit at the gap, she could wear it for like five years. But you know, the deal women can't show up wearing shit from the gap. Then the other women, they start judging them and being fucking mean. Like so many of women's issues is this shit that

they do to each other, you know? And I was trying to buy into that feminist thing where they were like, well, because that's the position men put them in, that in society. And it's like, no, you guys are like cunts. And there's no reason for it. Like you're fucking petty. The level of pettiness I've maintained and I did the bit my act. I oh, I really think it's because they don't solve generally speaking, they do not solve their problems with violence. And I think guys are just as big a cunts as women are, but we always have it in the back of our head. If I go too far, this guy can beat the fuck out of me. So there's like a governor on our cuntiness where you guys, it's just like wide open. Unless you run into the one. Is that what they say? Or you're not?

Are you one to the one who isn't the one? Right? Is that what it is? I love all of that shit. All that tough person talk becomes like mainstream. You know, it starts off with some black chick you're looking at like, she looks like she could, you know, you watch her fight on YouTube. You know, I'm not the one motherfucking she kicks the shit out of like some other chick, right? And then like within a month of that video, there's like some fucking skinny white chick douche and a yoga class going like, because you know, because I'm like not the one, bitch. But it's not all bad because then there's other shit where like with instruments,

this, this is, this is family of musicians. There's these kids, man. This is brother and sister. They can play every instrument. As far as my ears can tell at the level of like Chick Korea, they're like closing their eyes, making faces, just going up and down the keyboard, up and down the fretboard, up and down the fucking stairs, playing these things. And I'm looking at like that, like their fucking connection with these instruments is they're more connected with these instruments than I am with the fucking language that I'm speaking. They're incredible. Now, I'm not saying that they weren't prodigies, you know, back in the day, but I just feel like well, I think they would be amazing in any era, but just the fact that they're out there and they're

doing it and the fact that like mortals can watch it just kind of makes everything move to like a new level, which by the way, I'm really embarrassed to say this as a huge hockey fan who just has no time to watch hockey anymore. Although I did watch the Bruins first period where two and oh five and three, I mean, five to three beat the capitals totally missed that game. So the first period against the Phoenix coyotes. I like the coyotes, man. That's a badass team. You know, they're like, uh, they're like living a country song. Like they lost their arena. They're playing it like a fucking call. You can go to an NHL game in front of like 5,000 fucking people in Arizona. I got to go to one of those things before they inevitably

move somewhere else. They lost their fucking lease at their arena. And now they're in, I don't know where they are. They're playing it like Arizona state or something, whatever their hockey program is. No disrespect to Arizona state, but I've never seen them in the frozen for, um, so anyway, there's a defenseman on Colorado that people are saying is going to is changing the game. The most any defenseman has since Bobby or, and I think even Wayne Gretzky said that according to Joe Bartnick, and I started watching highlights of the guy and, um, um, like this kid's going to save hockey as far as like that. Like the forechecking is so fucking amazing that the game, you know, goes through periods of really being bored, boring. I

mean, and I was watching him and the amount of times he was skating towards his own net when he collected the puck, right? And people are kind of clearing the zone because, you know, they're expecting to go up ice and he would skate towards his gold tender and he would fake right and then break left or vice versa. And he would lose that forward. Now that forward would be behind the play and all of a sudden they would have like a breakout, like back in the fucking eighties when I first started watching it where like, I mean, I just remember Fred Cusick every fucking two minutes, Bruins with the three on two, a two on one, a breakaway. There was just constant, like, exciting. There was constant, like, um, odd rushes and the geniuses of the game

eliminated them. And in doing so, eliminating them eliminated so much of the excitement and so much of the art, artistry of the game and the beautiful goals and all of that, you know, Michelle Goulet and all these guys that I grew up, all of those guys, um, um, Stasny brothers, Gila floor, all the Adams division guys that I used to, you know, we used to play those guys all the time. Um, I just, you know, we're going to go, obviously the Miu Miu, Gretzky, Mike bossy, all of these guys do Rick Middleton. I mean, the fucking shit that that guy would do in a breakaway because there wasn't some, there wasn't like, you know, the lock and all of that crap. I mean, I know they played the lock in the trap. They just think, I don't know

what it was. Something happened where the defense just got too good. And this kid is showing mortals, how to beat this new style. Like they're going to have to come up. What's going to suck is that like, they're going to figure out a way to fucking slow him down. I don't know how you do it, but, uh, I'm going to start watching some avalanche games. Like they won it last year. And I missed the whole fucking thing. I mean, for good reason, I've been working on this film, but like, um, I did get to watch some sports this weekend because I was finally home. I watched, you know, I was going in and out, in and out, in and out, you know, watching the Patriots beat the Browns, um, with zappy, um, you know, I don't know. I'm, you know, we won the last two. We would beat

the Lions beat the Browns, you know what I mean? But at least we beat him, beat him pretty soundly too, I think. Um, my defense looked great. I watched all of Tennessee beating Alabama and I was, I would have tore out my hair if I had anything on top of my head. I mean, what the fuck Tennessee was doing, going for it on fourth down, when you had your fucking foot on their throat at the end of the second quarter on your own, on their 45 fucking yard line, going for it on like fourth and sixth or whatever. And then they did it again in the beginning of the third quarter. They did it again on the 42. It's like, it's like, what the fuck? What the fuck are you doing? Look, I was so fucking pissed at those two goddamn moves that I was literally like,

I don't give a shit if they fucking lose now. I was so rooting for him and watching that kid, uh, hide it. I mean, I never heard of that guy. Even I know that that guy's in a top 10 fucking draft pick. He was doing like that Randy Moss shit, like three yards down the field, not even looking back at the quarterback, putting his hand up like, I got this guy. Um, and that was against Alabama, who everybody says, you know, they're always saying, Oh, they could beat like a fucking pro team or whatever. What an incredible game. Uh, congratulations to the Tennessee volunteers. Um, I love that kid Gibbs on Alabama too. Uh, and I watched Michigan versus Penn State and there was, uh, some safety or some corner came up, made this unbelievable fucking play

in the beginning of the game where a guard like pulled or something like that, or he had like the edge and this 300 pound guy is like pushing him to the outside. The running back cuts to the inside or something like that. And he reached back as like a 200 pound safety and just took the kid down with one arm. And as he did it, I was like, who the fuck is that guy? Uh, they immediately go, one of the best fucking cornerbacks of safeties in the nation. So I guess the word word was already out, um, before a standup comedian scouted him. Um, so I really enjoyed both those games. I will tell you, as a sports fan, I'm getting tired of coaches getting off the hook, making stupid decisions and they get to use the excuse analytics. Like you sit there and go, why the fuck would you

do that? Well, the analytics said so. I think half the time they're making the decision. It doesn't work. And they just go, yeah, the analytics said so. And they just say that to a bunch of sports writers who kid, who's kidding? No, they're a bunch of donut eaters who did okay in gym class. I mean, they're not athletes by any shape of the meat shape or form shape of the means. What am I trying to say by any, any shape or form by any means or shape of the means? Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm inventing like new sayings that really, you know what I'm doing? I'm like a fucking, uh, I'm like a producer of music now. You know what you do? I'm sampling. I'm sampling, uh, hit sayings and just tying them together. Oh shit. He took this from this and that from

me. He took two things that already existed and put them together. Um, all right, with that, let's do a little bit of the, uh, let's do some reads here for the evening. Oh, by the way, I've been going back to the gym. That feels good. That feels good. I had ballooned up to a buck 90. I'm down now to like 183 and I just got to drop these last 10 pounds and I'll be fucking in shape again. Um, but actually have the time off like this last weekend is the first weekend I've had off since like fucking July. And, um, I got, uh, this upcoming weekend and the weekend after and I'm getting along great. I'm getting along so great with my wife right now because, um, because I went to buddy of mine's funeral, um, few weeks ago and I just, you know, guy was like my age and I just,

I just started put everything into perspective and I'm just like, what the fuck? Why am I dying on every hill? I don't give a fuck. I just want to get along with my wife. That's what I want to do. And someday one of us isn't going to be here. And then I don't want to be thinking like going, you know, I could have held her hand that day. And instead I argued about fucking taking out the trash. It's stupid. It's stupid. Um, all enlightened, Billy red face here. All right, Roman, everybody, you know, 42% almost half, almost half in what world? You know, if I owed you 50 bucks, wait, if I owed you 100 bucks and I said, I'm going to give you almost half and I gave you 42 bucks, you'd immediately thinking you're ripping me off.

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and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. All right. With that, we have, the questions for the week. By the way, if you want to write into the podcast, the email is mondaymorningpodcast at gmail.com. Monday morning podcast at gmail.com. All right, I kind of scrolled through some of these. These seem a little intense this week. So let me get a little sip of what are you? Oh, that's delicious. That is delicious. Oh, by the way, so I went to the gym, you know, I went with a personal trainer and I had a great fucking workout. And then the next day my shoulder was bugging me. I was like, God damn it. Is this ever going to end? And I just, but I rolled it out and after two days, it felt fine. And yesterday I said, fuck it. I went to

the gym. It was time to do upper body again. I did upper body again and it felt totally fine. And I think I finally, I'm finally going to push through. I finally have enough free time and I also am finally not going to try to increase the weight too fast. And I'm going to get over this thing and you know, I'm back to doing lat pull downs with 50 pounds. All I need to do is just slowly work my way to about 100 and 110 pounds, three sets of 15, and I'll be able to do a pull up again. And then I can not lose my bet with Paul Verzi that I'll be able to do 10 pull ups when I'm 70 years old and I will be able to do that. I'm not not going to cheat either. Okay, I'm going Aaron judge on this shit. Going totally clean. But I'm not doing 62 pull ups. I'm doing 10. All

right. Speaking of which, let's take a look at that shit. The fucking Cleveland Indians and the San Diego Padres. Sierra Madres. Let's see San Diego Super Padres schedule. They didn't close out the Dodgers. Did they schedule? Oh my God, they beat the fucking Dodgers. What? You got to be fucking kid. Hey, congratulations to the San Diego. They got to be going fucking crazy down there. That is fucking odd. I like the Padres all the way back to Gary Templeton back to Ozzie Smith when he first played with them, right? And he first played with them made that incredible barehanded guy didn't know when he played with them. But I remember Gary Templeton, that great fucking Afro. And of course, the unbelievable Tony Gwyn. They have not been to

the fucking World Series. Maybe they've been once since Tony Gwyn in 84. I want to say they went one other time. Can't remember any holy fucking shit. I got to tell you, he's a Red Sox fan that scares me because I feel like all these big dogs keep getting knocked out and it's going to help the Yankees. But meanwhile the Yankees, I think I down two to one, they might be playing today against the Guardians. Guardians. It's funny. You look up Guardians and it says of the galaxy. All right. Oh my God, tomorrow. It says DeMau. Cater plus set. So we say, oh, Cater is set. Is that how you say 407? Any Frenchies out there? Oh, here's some French for you. I said to my wife the other day.

Uh, I gotta remember how to say it. There you go. What did all of that gibberish mean? Uh, my schedule is crazy busy today, but tomorrow it's not busy at five o'clock. In order to stay in shape, I'm going to the gym. I'm gonna get this fucking thing down, people, and I'm gonna do a fucking show in French, in Paris.

That's my goal. Just, I, because I just think it's so fucking funny that a meathead like me would know how to fucking speak that language. And then I could finally give them shit in French for how bad their goddamn English is. Because you go over there and they fucking look at you, stare down at that goddamn French nose at you, and then proceed to butcher the English language.

You know? What's your favorite movie? Toot-see? What? Um, all right. Art Vandals. That's a good name for a band. Art Vandals.

Um, I was a band called the Vandals. Art Vandals. Um, Dear Bill, I'm a 27-year-old lady, 27-year-old girl. My friends consider me meek and polite. I always tell them on the inside, it's more like Bill Byrne here. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're gonna,

in your 30s, people are gonna say, what happened to you, if you're like me? Um, I don't have a lot of anger pent up, but certain things in life ignite the flames in me. Notice how she didn't say ignite the flame in me. She said ignite the flames. Uh, in me, which means, uh, she got a little temper there. Uh, I never thought I'd write into the podcast,

but my anger this week, I love how you say you don't have a lot of pent up anger, and then you say ignite the flames. And now, uh, you're talking about your anger. All right. I, I've been there. I've been there. And you know what?

Right around 27, it was weird up until 27. I was like, Hey, you know, hey, we're a great life. I'm a happy guy. And I don't know what happened. Um, I never thought I'd write into the podcast, but my anger this week required me to do so even for therapy, regardless of whether you read this.

I love art history. Um, I love the stories behind the artists and the art and the evolution of it all. That's a really cool thing to be into. Like, I don't even know anything about that. And if you started talking about that, that would be fascinating. I think it was like fucking cutting your ears off and, you know,

eating broth their whole life. And then they die. And then their paintings for some reason are worth a zillion dollars because five people dictate that market. This artist died next door. Let's all buy it and say it's great. We have the ability to move the needle. Anyway, I've devoted my life to studying and appreciating it

when those self-righteous fools threw tomato soup on the van. Go to protest oil. Oh my God, why would they do that? What does Van Gogh have to do with oil? I quote lost my shit, as you would say, you absolutely should have. I truly despise the idea that destruction of something is justified because of some greater cause. It's also an excuse is how so many people

think they are good people, but they are not. Well, it's always like a good cause. You know, or the result you want is good, but how you go about it. Anyway, ironically, their hair was dyed using oil-based chemicals and their clothes required oil to make. They can't possibly believe that they'd make a difference. It's more just a way for them to feel special. Fuck them and all the righteous.

Thanks for providing a voice for my internal anger. No problem. I wouldn't say fuck all the righteous. There's two things that are really combination. Okay, getting in a position of power and handling it in a healthy way is really difficult. And then rebelling against somebody, not handling their power well. And you doing that in the correct way is really difficult.

Like, you know, I would say like with that me too shit, right? Which obviously the goal of it is to make a difference. Obviously the goal of it was righteous and it was correct. But you saw how quickly it just sort of kind of went off the rails in sort of these wild examples of people that clearly were not what they were going after. And I just saw like a number, we had a couple of friends or something like they were just like innocent and they had to like get put on the bench for like two years

because everyone was just afraid of like this new fucking movement rather than being like, no, you're 100% right. There shouldn't be abuse of power. These people shouldn't be doing this. Women shouldn't be afraid. All of a sudden, yeah, 100% agree with that. But that right there is not an example of that. People were too afraid to do that.

So then innocent people start going underneath the fucking blades. But I'm not singling out me too because that seems to be the way it always seems to go. Like there's a problem. People want to address it and that when in addressing it, that addressing gains momentum, it gains power. And whenever there's power, it attracts a certain type of person and then they abuse it and then people come out the other side going like,

wait a minute, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about. What the fuck are we doing here? That happens all the time. So those people are so I wouldn't say fuck all the righteous. I would say God bless anybody who is righteous and can keep your feet on the ground and you don't get caught up in the money in horse that comes with being successful with something. Once again, overly simplifying.

I can't believe they did that. Van Gogh is one of the few artists that I actually know about. And I actually, I appreciate a lot of this. My wife's really into that type of stuff. And I started going to it more and the more I went to it, the more I started getting like this appreciation of it was like, it's really interesting. And there's interesting people that go to it and all that type of stuff.

And like any seen this, some douches that are just trying too hard to be interesting. But overall, I really liked it. But I don't want tomato soup Van Gogh to protest oil. That sounds like rich kids. You know, like who the fuck even knows who Van Gogh is before you like 40? No, I knew if you didn't cut his ear off, right? Or you know what it is, like you heard the name, but you didn't. It's like Mozart, Beethoven.

I've heard the names. If you played me that shit, I don't know who's who. You know what I mean? But you know, you play AC DC Metallica. I'm like, that's fucking, that's AC DC. It's Metallica. And every once in a while, I just go on a tangent and I'm just like, wow, I'm really dumb. Dear Billion burning beard.

I like that one. How are you? I'm a 30 year old dude from Toronto. Great city. Great coffee in that city. I had a good time when I went there. And this person said, I've been listening to the podcast now for about three years now. Last night, me and a buddy drove to Windsor to see you live.

We couldn't make the Toronto shows. We were not going to miss this one. Please tell me this. You had a good time. Everything was going great. You were killing. We were having a great time and so happy to finally see you perform. Great.

So you're doing your thing up there and I noticed the woman beside me who was clearly wasted, wasn't really feeling your brand of comedy. And she started making backhanded comments after all your jokes. I think it's a backhanded compliment. It's not a backhanded comment. You know, this is what I am. The Pied Piper of fucking people who can't say an expression right. Anyway, she was bugging everyone around us to the point.

Even the guy she was with was telling her to shut up repeatedly, which itself was getting super disrupted. So finally I had enough. I've been waiting forever for this show. I wasn't going to just sit there and put up with it. So I turned politely. I say, could you please stop talking? She looks me in the eye and like a four year old says no.

So I just roll my eyes, turn away and try to focus on your show. Five seconds later, what is she? You know what she does, Bill? She dumps her entire fucking beer in my lap. Oh my God. And it's a woman. So there's like nothing you can do. I'm shocked and absolutely fucking livid.

I just tried to focus my rage on the show because I didn't want to be disrupted. But then a few minutes later, she grabs my arm and says, I'm sorry, like a toddler who was forced to apologize. You know what that was? It was probably because you didn't engage. And then she probably, you know, maybe came to her senses. Anyway, so I soaked in this broad's beer and blinded with rage, looked her dead in the eyes and said, shut the fuck up.

She gets all pissy and gets up, falling down drunk, calling me a bunch of homophobic shit, screaming, I said I was sorry. To which I say, fuck you. I just asked you to be quiet. You dumped your drink on me, you dumb cunt. She trades places with the guy she's with, who is repeatedly to telling her, stop, stop. You do this every time we go out.

Now, what is this fucking guy doing? If you're going to stay with her, keep her home or put her on a leash. Anyway, he guy says, which is hilariously ironic, considering not 10 minutes before that you did a bit about red flags. Oh, that's hilarious. Anyway, they're both arguing, being insanely disruptive. I tell them both to shut up. People are trying to watch.

And then the fucking guy starts talking shit to me. Oh God. And you know what's sad about all this? They probably have children. It's getting ridiculous. So I just focus because I don't want to cause an even bigger scene and really fuck up the show. Eventually the woman gets up.

Oh my God, this story is unbelievable and leaves. And the guy immediately turns to me and said, I'm sorry, man. She is a cunt. It starts talking to me about her as I as sternly as I could say, dude, just let me watch the fucking show. My God, these people are fascinating. How stupid they are. That was the end of it.

But now I'm trying to enjoy the last chunk of your show shivering, covered in beer, trying to focus while the rage of this fuckery is just festering. Oh, and you got to drive the whole way back to Toronto. Now, please tell me you got a hotel room. Well, calm me down. I was thinking to myself, well, I'm going to write him and Andrew a letter tomorrow. And maybe if he trashes her on the podcast, it will all have been worth it. Oh, buddy, you kidding me?

I'm thinking of sending you something. Uh, the lights came on after the show and it took everything in my power and not to start talking shit to them. But I didn't feel like causing a big thing in a casino. She had painted on eyebrows and looked like little trash, like a little trash clown from outer space. So I had some shots in the chamber, but what can you do? We just let them walk away with her carrying his balls in her purse.

Anyway, fuck her in her childish attitude. Dude, I don't know how I could trash her any better than you're doing it. Anyway, fuck her in her childish attitude. At the end of the day, I still had an amazing time seeing you perform. Dude, you are a higher being, man. If you went through all of that and you're still feeling like you had an amazing time. He said in your story about the mushroom trip, brought my mood right back to where it needed to be.

I sincerely apologize for the disruption that you show into anyone listening now who may have been there. That said, everyone we talked to around us after seemed to all be on our side. Why wouldn't they be? Absolutely love your work, bud. Effes for Family is a work of art. Thank you for all the laughter you brought me through the pandemic. It's truly kept me going.

Best wishes to you and the family and go fuck yourself. You know, at my age, 54, I kind of look at those people now like, you know, that's beyond getting drunk and the fact that he said that she does it all the time. Like she is probably an alcoholic and those people literally are like mentally ill. It's like you're living with a fucking crazy person when they're boozing. I don't know. I mean, do I really need to trash her? I mean, you kind of fucking just by describing her and that poor,

how about the poor bastard that's with her? You know what I mean? It doesn't have the fucking balls to walk away from it. And then brings her out in public knowing how the fuck she is. I don't know, dude. I would have done most what you did. Like if a woman dumps a beer on my lap, like what am I going to do? It's a woman that's just there's no winning it.

And it gets back to what I was saying earlier of why they're cunts. Because if a guy does that to another guy, I mean, like immediately it's just like, all right, well, I'm getting into a fight. And what's is there anything worse than getting into a fist fight when you know you're wrong? I mean, it just takes like 20% out of everything you're doing, you know, until you get hit a few times and you lose your temper. But, you know, by then it's usually fucking over. Anyway, I'm going to talk to Andrew.

I'm trying to think, well, I don't have any DVDs or anything anymore. I got to I got to figure I have to figure something out. Or at least the next time I'm there. I got to do something. I fucking hate that shit like that can happen at my shows sometimes. All I can say to you is you handle it like a fucking champ. And, you know, you called her a cunt. I mean, that's like game set match.

I just don't know how to I was trying to picture her. I was just when I just picture her, she need her hair is like, sort of like, I don't know, it needs conditioner. It's like a fucking hazard, you know, those people was this at this at certain age and Alki gets to where they just look exhausted all the time. That's just kind of how I pictured this person or she's on her way there. And, you know, it's bad enough to be an alcoholic, but to be in Windsor as a raging alcoholic in that unforgivable fucking winter that you have to go

that lake effect fucking snow. I mean, that's why those people in Buffalo are jumping on tables. It's not because they're fans. I mean, they're really in a celebratory way are trying to end their lives, both as citizens of Buffalo and fans of the Buffalo bills. I didn't see any NFL today. Oh, there was a great fucking game. I didn't even tape it.

Oh, fuck the bills playing the chiefs and I missed it. I didn't miss it. I was playing with my kids. What am I supposed to do here? All right, roommate issues. Lackluster Carrot Top. You know what? What the fuck?

I got to be honest with you. If you guys have never met Carrot Top, that is one of the nicest dudes you're ever going to meet in your life. I fucking love that guy. And evidently, I am the lackluster version of him, which I am fine with. Because he's definitely a better human being than I am. Just a fucking great guy. Every comic I know loves him.

Anyway, I hope this email finds you well. Huge fan of the podcast. I just transferred to a new school and I've been having issues with my new roommate. He's been blasting music on his speakers. However, that's not the worst part. He plays the same song on repeat. Oh boy.

When I say repeat, I mean 10, 15 times in a row. The other night, I ran into him in the kitchen and told him, dude, I don't mean to be a dick, but you got to stop playing the same song on repeat. It's making me crazy. He said in a mocking tone, it's making you crazy? Really? I said, buddy, I can't tell you how many times I've heard these songs in the past week.

He said, I've heard them more than you and they're not making me crazy. This next line I'm quite proud of. I said, you're an only child, aren't you? Hey man, I got to tip my cap to the listeners this week. You guys are fucking killing it. I don't know what the hell you need to listen to this podcast for, other than to get your fucking props. That's fucking great.

This seemed to really tick him off, which led to a stare down. It's also ironic because I am an only child. I said, you're not going to be cool about this. I said, you're really not going to be cool about this. And rather than responding, he went to his room and played one of the songs even louder than before. I wanted to grab my baseball bat and go to Nero from untouchables on his ass and his speaker. My question is, could I have handled this situation more appropriately?

Or is this kid just a cunt? This kid is absolutely a fucking cunt. Maybe I could have said something on the lines of when you, comma, I feel, or when you do this, I feel, oh, so you have any tips on letting go of anger and moving on? Yeah, you got to move out. Can't wait to see you next time. You're in Portland, Oregon. Vaatav Fair.

Thought to let me go fuck yourself. I don't know how to say the rest of it. All right. You don't want to get kicked out of school. And what can you do here? There's got to be something that you can do here. I mean, this is one of the, you know, when they say violence is not the solution. That's because they don't read emails like this because I'm trying to think of a solution

and every one of them is violent. Like, don't do this shit. What I thought of was you should have walked in there with the bat and just smashed the shit out of his speaker and the fucking something else. Don't hit his laptop because then it's going to cost you too much money. Just smash the shit out of it and just be like, next time it's going to be your fucking head. Okay. In a movie, that's what you do.

You do that in real life. You end up in fucking jail and kicked out of school. So the world needs smart people. This dude is a mouth breathing fucking moron. So there has to be a way. I would just, I would just, uh, I would just make fun of how stupid he is until he throws the first punch and then defend yourself. That's what I would do.

Like when it comes home. Hey, dum-dums here. My brain can only handle one song at a time. I would literally just do that. Hey, I bought you a record and just get him like a kid's record, something. I don't know what, I would just annoy the shit out. If you really want to beat the fuck out of this kid, what you want to do is get him to throw the first punch.

Yeah, friends. Oh, this is my dumb roommate. He listens to the same song 15 times in a row. That's how dummy is. And this is the best part. It's not even a good song. See, that's the best part. See, that's just lame.

That's just, I mean, just, you know, the old fucking days, the old days, the old days before all this technology and social media and all of that, you could just go in there and you could fuck that kid up. And then that would be the end of the fucking problem. But when ends up happening is now the fucking like bitches rule the world. Charlie Murphy, bitches run the world. Charlie Murphy, he said it. It's the fucking truth.

The law is on their side rules, the fucking money, the settlement. Everything is on their fucking side. That fucking stupid cunt at the show in Windsor. The law is on her side times two times fucking two because she's a woman. It's just, it's just is the way it is. And you know what? I think if you actually, I gave you bad advice, if you actually come with this guy, like that, I just, I don't know, maybe there's just a way to find humor in it.

You know, but that, that is like, I would not have been able to handle that at your age. I will say though, when you said you're an only child, aren't you? When you got the best of them, that really seemed to bother him. So I think he really is dumb. So maybe that's your, maybe that is your playing the same song 15 times in a row is to be, you know, going after his intellect. Or you can just fucking deal with it and move out and just know that somebody like, you know what's the sad thing about that fucking moron is he'll have at least five kids.

You know, fucking feels good, right? Like that those people have all, you know, smart people have like two dumb people have five, six, generally speaking, I'm painting with a broad brush here there. All right, good luck with that. That actually, your email actually upset me more than the dumb cunt at the Windsor show, because at least with that guy, the relationship is over. And he could get some satisfaction looking at the poor bastard that keeps going home with her. You on the other hand, I mean, you just got to survive this semester.

Oh, that's what you can do proactively find a new place to live. All right, rather than acting like this person is an insurmountable obstacle, turn it into a positive by getting some great place to fucking live. And at this point, just not living with this person could be fucking great. Or, or is there like a spy shop, you know, where you can get that thing that blocks the signal on a phone, maybe you do that. And, you know, I don't know, maybe you can do that. But the best solution is to just fucking let it go.

And I don't, and just find a new place to fucking live. And I totally hear you on the baseball bat thing, but you can't do that. That's not the solution. Should be, but it isn't. All right, truck tunes built. My twin boys loved watching truck tunes too. Oh, I never saw that. I didn't even see the first one when they're, when they were four and five years old.

The guy that made it is pretty clever, a little goofy, but creative. They watched it over and over again. They could name all sorts of trucks and still can. My wife and I still sing these songs. Sometimes you kid Mike like it too. Are you fucking kidding me? My son would love that. I got to see this.

Let me see what this is. Truck tunes. Here we go. Go truck tunes. Just the sound of those air brakes would make my son go nuts. All right. All right. Now it's like really cheesy graphics showing all these different fire engines picked up.

Oh my God. This will drive my wife nuts, but I think I'm going to have to show this to her. Oh, this is going to be number one with the bullet in my son's life. Is this Huey Lewis? All right. I'm in. I'm in because every kid show has music as annoying as that. And this is at least trucks.

So I'll handle that. Thank you so much for the heads up. That's fantastic. All right. That's the podcast. Sorry to the guy that went to the show and Windsor and sorry to that dude that's dealing with that fucking person. And sorry to the woman that likes art.

Like all these people. I just want to go to a comedy show. I just want to enjoy art. I just want to have a roommate. Doesn't play the same song 50 fucking times in a row. You know, this really gets down to my problem with the higher power. Okay. And the lack of work that he puts into most of his creations after the mountains, the

seas and the prairies or the golden prairies and shit like that. His work on human beings is extremely shoddy. And his analytics is to blame the devil, right? Rather than saying, nobody, you just fucking kind of slap this one together. And now it's somebody's roommate. You know, so maybe all that praise every week on Sunday is starting to go to your fucking head and maybe you ought to get down, you know, get back to, you know, square one and figure out why everybody worshiped you in the first place.

All right. Take that higher power. No. Geez. Fucking old freckles with the heart take on the fucking Lord there. All right. Go fuck yourselves or check in on you. On Thursday.

B-M-A-P-N-B.