Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-19-15

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

Bill rambles about Denver hippies, sex stuff and Kate that you hate.

... Enjoy walking and running with the surprise and different assortment of Albert Hein And check out the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlein.be That's Albert Hein's favorite. I can't wait to get on the road again, because I'm an old man, and I'm out here and I'm cold! Oh God, I love the Midwest, but it's right when the fucking winter starts. This can be kind of a motherfucker. You know, this takes me back to my days.

Back in the day when I was young and I had more freckles. And I used to do... I used to do all the college gigs out here. You know, my agent, Bass Shula, used to always book me. They were based out of, still are based out of Chicago, and they used to just book me in Duluth, Des Moines, the Quad Cities, Hays, Nebraska, Grand Junction, Colorado. Colorado wasn't as bad, because you had the Rocky Mountains to look at, and you could be like, oh my God, it looks like a beer commercial! You know, that guy who does those fucking RAM commercials, what's his name, Sam Elliott, would get on there? Cors beer, brood in the Rocky Mountains.

No, it isn't, no it isn't. They don't have a factory up in the Rocky Mountains, they don't. It's on the Flatlands, it's probably somewhere in Denver, although the rent's probably too high. I don't know where it is. Where the fucking shuttling illegal immigrants in and out the back door, nobody will see it. You know, that's not up in there. You're not going to get illegal immigrants to go up to a fucking mountain. Alright, they're already like, listen dude, I already swam across the fucking filthy river to get in here. Okay, I'm not walking up a mountain. You know, if you're going to fucking exploit me with my labor, we're doing it right here. And then they go, I build a factory around it. Maybe it is up in the mountains, I have no idea. I just remember at one point, I was rafting, not rafting, I was in a little inner tube going down the river with a bunch of other fucking people that was the same river.

Oh, that's right, we went by the Coors factory. I'm like, this is the fucking factory? With all those, you know, those Denver hippies, they're a specific kind of hippie, the Denver hippie, you know, with their action sandals. You know, same sort of look at those hippie toes kind of thing, but they also have that look like, you know, they're going to go swing on a rope and jump into a fucking lake. Those Denver hippies, you know, they're like fucking ski instructors for their whole lives, right? Like 50, you still got long hair, you know. Fucking go out and buy one of those squirrel suits, one of those flying squirrel suits, like that type of shit, right? I think I went from hippies into, I don't know what those people are, those people who jump off the buildings with their parachute wadded up in their hand like a bouquet at a wedding, you know, and then they just throw it. Except it saves their life.

You know, I don't mind that those cunts do it, it just bugs me that they have to film it. You know what I mean? You know, if you're awesome, I can't just be awesome and just go do it, you know, the fact that you got to film it, that really knocks it down for me. You never saw Superman with little fucking GoPro on, did you? He just fucking went out and saved people, then he goes home and puts his fucking Janine Garafalo glasses back on, he goes back, you know, goes back to the fucking newspaper. Dude, Clark Kent couldn't close a fucking piece of pussy if he never, he never banged Lois Lane, did he? I mean, granted, she had a crush on a superhero, but you know, you could work on her insecurities. Come on, Lois, you're not going to land that. I'm right here. Let's make a life together, all right?

If you take off my navy blue trousers over here and do something, give me a little help. Can you get the kryptonite out of my nuts there? Loey, right? You fucking assholes jumping around on those little flying squirrel suits. It's just, you know, I don't understand why you need to fill the need you have to film yourself. Just be a little more Superman. All right? A little less Colorado Rocky Mountain hippie. Oh, they're the worst. They're the worst. You know, when you go to San Francisco and you run into a hippie, it's like you expect it. You know what I mean? That's right. All the leaves are brown. And the sky is gray. And the sky is gray. I have dirty feet. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. You can kind of carry it to him.

You were Rocky Mountains. What do you expect? Do you expect you're going to see that guy walking around with the orange crush barrel around him? Remember that guy? I think he died. The guy used to go to all the Broncos games. You know, expect you're going to see that. You're going to see some frontier kind of ladies, right? You expect to see Sam Elliott drinking a Coors light, the silver bullet. That's what you expect to see. And then you show up and there's just this new fucking hippie, this hippie that skis hippies don't ski. Right? Hippies don't base jump. It's a special kind of heat when you're up there too in the mile high city. By the way, how about how about a hand for the Cleveland Browns this way this week?

You know, finding 87, possibly 88 ways to lose that game to the Denver Broncos. Grand, the Broncos were fucking up too. Unreal. When fucking painting through that pick, if Eli threw it, it would have been dropped. You know, fucking Eli is the, I'm telling you, I don't ever want to see that guy on the other side of the field again. The football gods love Eli Manning unless he plays the Eagles. The Eagles always play the Giants tough. There's always that one team. You know, there's always that one fucking Achilleson, but I swear to God, if Eli threw that ball, you know, that the linebacker went right to him. He would have been like, Oh, take it. You want to drop it.

And Eli would have got there with his face all mushed into that fucking helmet. And he just looking at like Eli, he looks so dumb in a helmet. He should be still wearing his doctors with his pads underneath it. You know, but you know, God damn well, Eli is going to go down the field. He's going to throw a fucking ball. Somebody's going to catch it between their helmet and their taint. It's just, it's over. Even when he fucks up, they just shit, just it's over. You cannot beat the man.

At some point, the glass slippers got to turn back into a pumpkin. That's my prediction this year is Eli is going to throw a pick in a big situation. And for the first time in his career, somebody's actually going to hold onto it. That's what I'm hoping anyways. All right, plowing ahead here. So Peyton throws a pick because he's not Eli and the football gods don't like Peyton because Peyton has God like numbers and they're intimidated by it. They look at Eli, they go, oh, look at this guy. He's got a cold or something.

I don't know what he's got the mumps. What's going on with his cheeks? So Peyton throws a ball the fucking, the Browns intercepted. They're on like, they're on the fucking on Denver's 39 yard line to tie fucking game. I can't even remember it was over time or not. I had a bad signal on the bus there, right? And all right, so they're on 39, first in 10. You're on the 39 yard line. Football fans, how long a field goal is that? Huh? Come on. Do the math. Little douchebag, do the math. You had 10 yards for the end zone. That's 49 yards plus eight yards when they got a high kick.

49 and eight is 57. It's a 57 yard. So they basically need to get, they need to get a first down. Okay, move the ball fucking forward. So at the very least, you know, you can take a long shot at a field goal. 47 yards, no walk in the park, but these fucking kids can, they can do it today. You know, when they're little, they kick in virtual reality field goals right into their flat screen TV. You've seen the videos and all of a sudden the sneaker comes off and breaks the TV and everybody laughs. Ha, ha, he, he, what happened? Well, let's throw that fucking thing out and get another $800 fucking TV. And where does that flat screen go? Why is there anybody out there that can repair a flat screen TV?

When I was a kid, when you had those fucking square TVs that were on the legs that weighed like 900 pounds, way heavier than a flat screen, right? You know, it's like a fucking flat screens, like a, like a giant fucking iPhone, you know, basically relatively the weight, you know, those old school fucking square TVs. You know, it was like, I don't know why they were like a safe. You couldn't move those fucking things, but still we did. You moved it out the door and somebody fixed it and you came back to give it a new tube. I don't understand why you can't repair anything nowadays. Then everybody's like, oh, you know, oh, you broke the TV and then it ends up in the fucking ocean. Right? Get the fucking thing fixed, you cunt. Do you know my wife got our microwave fixed? I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. I don't even use the microwave because a long time ago I was doing a fucking show and one of the actors on there said, hey, you know, I don't, I don't, you know, I don't need anything out of a microwave. I said, oh, really? That's being, why is that? He's like, well, they did an experiment where they watered these plants with water and they watered these other plants with water that had been stuck in a microwave for like a minute each day. Each day they'd microwave the water and there was no nutrition, no nutrients left. So I guess it doesn't really cause any cancer or anything, but it just kind of nukes all your fucking, there's nothing in there. You just, you're eating like space is what you're eating. You've eaten something that's going to fill up the space in your stomach is what I'm trying to say, right? They make any fucking sense? I don't know. I have no idea. I'm laying in a fucking bed here in Fort Wayne, Indiana. What do you want from me?

The creepy downtown of Fort Wayne, Indiana. Jesus Christ. Well, I didn't get, let me get back to the game here. So they fucking, so he throws the pick and what do they do? They got three fucking plays. The very least you got to run three plays to advance the fucking ball. First play they lose two yards. Now it's a 59 yard. The next play they take a fucking sack for like 10 yards. Now it's like a 70 yard and they fucking ran it like a content. The guy just falls down. Maybe it was two runs in a sack. I can't remember what, and then they got to punt the ball away. You know what I did? Because I've watched enough football in my life. I shut the fucking TV off because I was like, that's it.

That's the game. It's the game right there. You had your fucking opportunity and you blew it. You know, it's like that brought it work for that chicken school. You should have asked out. You didn't do it. You know, and here you are years later, tracking it down on fucking Facebook. All right. It's over. It's fucking over. Let it go. Same thing with the Browns. It's fucking over. So anyways, like I said, I'm here in downtown, I'm in downtown Fort Wayne here going to drive down to Cincinnati and I love it out here, man. I mean, I don't like when all the crops are cut down. It isn't quite that time yet. That's the worst when you're out here in like February and the crops are cut down, right? And it's overcast. That overcast sky, you know, because it's so fucking flat, you can actually look out as you're driving down these country roads.

You see where the overcast sky meets the ground and the crops are cut down, dude. And, you know, I never understood how a band like Slipknot came from fucking Iowa. I'm like, what, what the fuck are they so goddamn angry about? Yeah, you're out here milking cows, you know, meeting checks on farmers only.com. I mean, there's a lot to be happy about out here. And when I went out there in February, I was like, okay, I get it. Now I get it. There's nothing to fucking do out here. Eight, seven, six, six, six, five, right? All of a sudden it all starts making fence. Yeah, making fence, making sense.

This fucking goddamn screensaving thing. My fucking computer. Five seconds, I got to put my password in. Why are they acting like I'm so fucking important? I know a young console, like, go into your settings and you go into your fucking settings, you douche. Look at this. I know what my fucking password is and I never get it right the first time. Oh, Jesus Christ. Come on, come on. Did I forget my password? This will be fucked up. This will be embarrassing. Come on, come on, come on, come on. One time, one time. Daddy needs a winner. All right, there we go.

Just click on your finder and go into the settings and hit application. Hey, how about the Patriots? Beat the Colts. Great game, great game. Andrew Lux, a fucking man, dude. The guy's a fucking man. I love watching that guy play. He's not a whiner. He takes his hits. He gets back up. He helps the guy up. He hit him. He's just a fucking stud. And I really realized when I watched it last night that it wasn't, I don't hate the Colts. I hate Jerry Jones. I hate Jim Ursay. I hate their fucking owner. And I hate a lot of their fans. I had fun last night in Fort Wayne.

I was trying to get them to admit it. I go, come on, you guys admit it. Admit it. The lights are down. No one can see you. Admit it. You're lost by 38 points. All right. It wasn't because of the air pressure. Come on. Be honest with yourselves. Somebody said Tom Brady was gay or he was a fag or something like that, you know. And I just went on this whole riff about how beautiful a man Tom Brady was, you know. And how beautiful his wife was. And that deep inside, I was talking to the person in the crowd that they realized that genetically, they had no hope of like a woman like Giselle ever,

really ever seeing them for who they are. Like they could literally walk into the room with their head on fire and Giselle still wouldn't notice them. And as they watched Tom Brady march down the field towards yet another championship somewhere in their, in their brain. The truth of that is, is screaming at them. I went to a dark place, whatever. I'm in the fucking Midwest. They're starting to cut the crops down. I was at the embassy theater last night and I actually watched this whole video on that. I love old theaters that we're going to get fucking torn down and people saved them.

That's actually one of my soft spots as far as something I could get behind. I actually did a gig in Fresno and I talked to the guy and he was like still trying to raise money to keep that thing going. And that reminded me how I told him I was going to go up there and maybe do a show or something like that. I can't remember if it was in Fresno, if it was the one in Bakersfield. I don't remember, but they were both great theaters and I watched this whole video on it and like Bob Hope had his first MC gig here. Just the level, they always had the same history. These old theaters was always like, it was a vaudeville theater, you know, and then it became a movie theater. And then, you know, it starts to go down and like the late fifties and sixties becomes a porno house.

And then in the seventies they were going to tear it down and then somebody came in and saved the fucking thing. And now it's awesome again. And the embassy theater basically had that same thing minus the porno house. It was never a porno house, which makes sense here because they don't sell booze on Sundays. Like all the liquor stores are closed. They don't even sell beer out here. But, dude, they got a minor league, whatever, basketball team out here. It's called the Mad Ants.

How fucking hilarious. A fucking great name. The Fort Wayne Mad Ants. I'm a nerd for this shit. I love this stuff out here. I used to have family lived out here, you know, way back, way back, like a hundred years ago. And they had a farm. I have this weird connection out here.

I didn't grow up out here. My bloodline is from out here. Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, all of that shit. So I have this weird connection when I come out here. You know, I had family lived in Wisconsin, all these places that I'm going to. So like there, going to the city was Chicago, you know, that was the big deal. And so anyways, and I was hoping when I was going to go to Chicago that the fucking Cubs were going to be in the World Series. How exciting would that be?

How exciting would that be? And now look at it. Oh, by the way, can we go back a second? I don't understand people who thought that we were going to beat the Colts by a thousand fucking points. The Colts made it to the AFC championship game. I just don't fucking understand how people look at it. And ESPN hyped it up that way. And then during the game, they're going like, well, what's going on here?

Everybody thought that they were going to pick it. It's like what? Because Tom Brady's dad says score fucking 60 points on them. All of a sudden that's the line. That's like watching Toronto playing Kansas City. They hit one walk off home run and flip their fucking mullets. You know? And do you know, you fucking actors run in musical theater that attitude run where they start to run sideways looking at the crowd and then do like the head whip and then fucking run off stage with their arms dangling behind them.

That's how Toronto ran the bases and everybody's like, oh shit, here come the Blue Jays. Given Kansas City, no respect whatsoever. Kansas City went to the dance last year. They almost won the fucking World Series. And here comes Toronto. These dirty, filthy bird cunts come waltzing in like it's a foregone conclusion that they're going to the World Series. And now look at you. You got the old right there, Fred.

You're down 0-2. So why don't you quit flipping your fucking bats and get back to playing the goddamn game so a fan like me can enjoy a nice seven game series. Now look at you, you dumb cunt. You got to win four out of five. So anyways, I love Kansas City, man. I love the fucking Royals. Goes way back in the day when the Red Sox could never beat the fucking Yankees. And like three times in four years, Kansas City played the Yankees.

And for the pennant is how they used to say it. They're playing for the pennant. It wasn't the ALCS back then. It was just for the pennant, right? 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,120 And I see you sitting on the corner selling newspapers for a nickel. Step right up, step right up. Extra, extra, read all about it.

Dodge has a new car called Leopold. And that's the way it was. 1977. So they played them in 77 and 78 and lost. And then they played them in 81 or played them in 80 and 1 and then lost to the Phillies in the World Series there. So anyways. Yeah, I got this weird thing. I don't like the Toronto Blue Jays.

I don't want them winning our World Series. I feel like our World Series trophy belongs here in America. It's one of the weird, like patriotic things that I have. Like Toronto played the Yankees. I'd actually root for the Yankees as much as it would kill me. But you know, the fuck do I care? They got 27 championships. So I give a shit if they get 28.

We're not catching them, right? It's a foregone conclusion. You know, they went on the run. Whoever goes on the run early on. They have it forever, fucking Montreal. When you fucking winning them, like before the Titanic sank, nobody's going to catch you. If you went on a run back then, you're not going to. There was like nine fucking teams and you had to win like two, two playoff series.

Dude in baseball, do you know if you won the division that was winning the pennant? There was no ALCS, no wild card, no nothing. You just immediately went to the World Series. So you had to win one playoff series. So I got to tell you, I got this weird thing with that. Like, you know, even like the Celtics, when we won 11 in a row or 9 in a row, 11 in fucking 13 years or something like that. I mean, come on. Come on.

That's beer league shit. That's what's so amazing about the Lakers is we did that and the Lakers still came and caught us. I mean, that's why I think they're the greatest fucking franchise in the modern era since 1970. And they've won the more championships than anybody since then. And as much as it fucking kills me to say that it's true, it's fucking true. They had that devastating combination of, of they knew how to pick talent. And then when it came into the free agency era, they knew how to play that game and we didn't. And that hurt us.

And also Len Bias dying fucked us out of at least one to three championships, depending on who you talk to. Oh my God. We got Len Bias in 1986, our strongest fucking team. And then we're going to have Len Bias, basically Jordan light was, I mean, we were all so excited. I'm like, Oh, finally going to have a Celtic that can dunk. You know, because all the Celtics fans, as much as they didn't want to admit it, watching the Showtime Lakers was so much fucking fun. If they weren't playing the Celtics, cause you know, then you're rooting for the Celtics, but I used to watch them all the fun. They were on TV. I loved watching the Lakers, the fucking Showtime Lakers.

But come on, man, I was actually talking last night when we were on the bus hanging out and we were watching the end of the Patriots. It was so fucking great, man. We had the bus right behind the theater and the theater hooked us up like a nine pack of Miller lights with the giant fucking opening, you know, so you can pour it down your fucking bass mouth. And we were sitting in there. Verzi was finishing up a cigar outside, right? And we were talking about Bartnick goes, all right, your Mount Rushmore football coaches. And he said Lombardi, Chuck Knoll, Bill Walsh, Bill Belichick. And I said the exact same thing.

I said, I said, except not Chuck Knoll. And I picked what's his face. I just spaced on his fucking name. Don Coriel. Air Coriel. I just thought he was ahead of his fucking time. And it really informed, I think Bill Walsh coming up with the fucking West Coast offense. There was nothing more exciting than in the late seventies, early eighties, the San Diego Chargers on Monday night football, knowing that they were going to throw the ball on first down.

You don't understand what a game changer that was. We were 10 years away from three yards in a cloud of dust where you just fucking ran it, ran it, ran it. And then you just threw it if you had to, which is why Johnny United says fucking numbers are insane. The fact that he threw for 41,000 yards during the fifties and sixties is fucking insane, which is why he's always in my top three, four quarterbacks of all time. But anyways, to watch, I don't know, I absolutely love those guys. I don't know the fuck I got onto that thing. Let me read some advertising here before I completely space out here. We've got a couple of new people here.

We always got new people. It's a revolving door here in this fucking podcast. Let's go with the advertising. All right, nuts.com everybody. They're talking about your balls. Important message for all the nut munchers in my audience. Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

I would have done all this. You're going to do it for me. Why buy small nuts at the grocery store when you can get big, beautiful nuts from nuts.com? Start with the nut joke. Oh, this is for me. What do you have when you have nuts on your chest? Nuts. Sorry.

I just had to take a long pause there when it's a bad joke like that. You just got to stare at the person that wrote it. What do you have if you have nuts on your wall? Walnuts. You get it? Get all your nuts at nuts.com. You can find this incredible website that I'm going to tell you about. Once I tell you the name, you're going to have a hard time forgetting.

Nuts.com. They have, in their opinion, the best tasting nuts on the planet. You get it? This is one big dick joke, everybody. Nuts.com is the simple and convenient way to have nutritious, delicious, healthy nuts and so many other tasty treats from around the world delivered straight to your door. Is it hard to get peanuts? Right now, new customers can get four free samples.

Choose from over 50 options. There's something interesting. I didn't know there was that many nuts out there. That's a $50 value. When you go to nuts.com, click on the mic and enter my code, BRR. Since 1929, this family-owned business has prided themselves on delivering the best nuts and dried fruit you'll find anywhere. I've got a lot of family business.

Only the freshest products from the best suppliers in the world, easy to use site, lets you search exactly what you are looking for. Can buy the case, buy the pound, certified, organic, certified, gluten-free, whatever that means, with or without salt, raw, sugar-free, 100% satisfaction guaranteed. And nuts.com is more than just nuts. Choose from over 3,000 healthy snacks, including dried fruit, sweet treats, chocolate-covered nuts, every flavor of gummy bear, monkey munch, monkey munch. What the fuck is that?

I feel like that's what we're going to be eating after the dollar collapses. You know, we're all microchipped. I'm afraid I'm not a monkey munch. Cooking and baking goods, almond flour, chia seeds, spices, grains, any powder you want to throw in there in your smoothie, sugar and gluten-free. Look at you guys. You guys got the goods here. Why'd you go with the silly jokes up there?

You know what it is? It's because I did that fucking, whatever that one was that I fucking left my balls off on the copy. So now everybody tries to fucking leave me there. You can't make it happen. It either just happens or it doesn't. The fuck with cherries, berries. That was the thing. Almond flour, chia seeds, semi-gluten-free coffees, teas,

over 39 different kinds of coffee, 170 flavors. Tins, basket buzzers, nuts.com, big salty, sweet, whatever kind you like to munch on. Let them take care of you. Right now, canoe customers get four free samples. That's a $15 value. When you go to nuts.com, enter my code name, burr, b-u-r-r. That's nuts.com. Enter my code, burr, for free samples.

All right. Go to nuts.com for full details. All right. Trunk club, everybody. Shopping is awful. You know, that's one of those things where you start looking at the side of your girl's head and you just start thinking like, what if when she looked at me, I made a weird face and just ran away, you know,

passed the car into the woods and she just never saw me again. That's the kind of things that I think when I go shopping, who has the patience for crowded stores or the time to try on 10 pairs of pants that don't even fit well. But why don't you have somebody tell you your size? But here's the problem. You still want to look great, exactly. And with trunk club, you never have to set foot in a mall again.

Sign me up, especially with the fucking holidays coming, right? You want to look good at your holiday parties. Trunk club takes the hassle, man, out of shopping by shipping you a trunk of clothes that fit perfectly and make you look like a million bucks with all the new styles. Trunk club slash dot com slash burr. You simply answer some questions about your styles, your preferences and sizes. And they're your size and are assigned an expert stylist. They curate clothes from the best premium brands and you approve of what you like.

And just like that, a trunk arrives on your doorstep filled with handpicked clothes that are perfect for you. Try them on, keep what you like and easily return what you don't in their prepaid trunk. This is not a subscription service. You only pay for the clothes you keep from your trunk. No hidden charges, just great clothes. Get started today and trunk club will style you for free plus free shipping both ways. You only pay for clothes you keep to take advantage.

Go to trunk club dot com slash burr. One last time that's trunk club dot com slash burr for a trunk full of clothes. Full of clothes you'll love wearing. All right. How many more of these are there? There's two more. Let's let's break it up to my fucking brain is tired today. I'm tired this morning.

Oh, Jesus. I'm tired. Yeah, but those Bruins, how about those fucking Bruins? They want to games in a row. Why am I singing the Notre Dame song? Oh, that's right. I went to the game. Yeah, I went to the Notre Dame game, everybody.

That's a bucket list thing. I can just, uh, I can just knock that right off. Now where the fuck is all my notes here? I had all the subjects I wanted to talk about. What the fuck is this? Oh, for God's sakes. Why does this? I, you know what it is?

I always have 50 fucking windows open. Let's close this one. Let's close this one. Look at it. It's a fucking enigma. Where did it go? Where does the window go? Now you won't go up.

Is this it? Is this it? Come on. There it is. All right. Beautiful. Um, anyways, what was I talking about? I want you to know the Dave game, man.

What a fucking game. It was absolutely no defense. And you know what? I finally broke the curse. I'm no longer a jinx. The home team won. Congratulations to Notre Dame. Um, my God, it was crazy walking that campus.

It was really weird. I walked that last time I walked that campus was like, I was a freshman in high school and I was out here visiting, uh, family. And we went down to go look at it and I was all excited to see the stadium. And, uh, thinking that I was actually going to get grades good enough to go there. And I was going to go to law school and become a lawyer. And, uh, that was like 30 fucking years ago to come back 30 years later. Dude, it was more than 30 years ago.

It was like around 83, 84. God, I'm an old motherfucker. Now it's 2015. And I come back drunk as a standup comedian, you know, walking that campus, just thinking what the fuck happened, just thinking all this shit that happened to me since then. I remember I was walking, you know, hammered, of course, and, uh, laughing as I was walking the campus. And I went, you kind of took a different route there, Billy boy. This family of sober people just kind of looked over at me and I was just like, hey, you know,

I'm going down memory lane here, a little shit-faced, cut me some slack. Last time I was here, Ronnie Reagan was still alive and he was eating jelly beans, right? Blaming everything on Alley North. Um, all right, the Jesus Christ. What a fucking game. We saw a game where there was over a thousand yards offense. So it was absolutely no defense. And I got to tell you something.

I get so fucking livid at fans from the other team at home games of teams that I have no, I don't have a dog in the fight. I don't give a shit. There was two USC fans that were driving me nuts. There was one Samoan looking dude. I was calling a Mosey to Tupu. Any Patriot fans, you remember that? He probably wasn't even Samoan.

Remember Mosey's mousses? And you'd be in the fucking end zone. M-O-S-I-Mosey. He's a fucking incredible player for the Patriots. Like all Samoans are. You know, USC for some reason had the lock on Samoan players. And they realized that these guys are like, they're like, they're not even good players. They're like Hall of Fame players.

For some reason, they were the only ones that were drafting them. They're going out there and flying out and talking to their mothers, lying to them, saying, your kid's going to make the fucking NFL and we're going to fucking fix up your fucking house out here. Whatever the fuck they tell these goddamn kids. So he was doing that shit and every time, you know, Notre Dame first play, like throws a fucking 70-yard bomb for a touchdown. And he does that stupid thing, you know, where your team just got scored on, and then you sit there nodding like, okay, okay, like we can handle this, we can handle this.

And you want to be like, excuse me, sir, you're not on the team. What are you nodding for? And then there was this fucking old white guy with the most faded fucking USC jacket and hat. So you tell, he was a fucking real fan who sat out there in the LA Coliseum. I mean, it was like sun damaged clothes that he was wearing. It was just like his skin. You know, white people will wear shit till it's falling off our fucking bodies. You know what I mean?

I'm telling you, we're fucking, I don't know what we are. We're sentimental and cheap. We don't fucking put lotion on our faces. Our faces are all fucking sun damaged. This guy was a mess, man. This guy looked like a fucking Dust Bowl farmer. And you know, he was from LA, right? One of those douchebags.

And they both bonded and they kept high-fiving each other and they were fucking annoying me. And I was sitting there going, why am I so mad that these USC fans are USC fans? I just hate it when the other team's fans come in and they take over the fucking stadium. But what I was psyched about was we were sitting around all Notre Dame fans except for this one USC douche who showed up in the third quarter with his girlfriend wearing this like camel hair coat. It almost seemed with the scarf draped over it. And it was just such a fucking, he was such a douche. He was such a douche, he had to like respect it.

He just looked like that guy you were going to see on American Greed when he was in his 50s. Just complete sociopath, completely entitled, the whole fucking thing. Like, you know, they had that expression, he's a comics comic. You know, a musician's musician. This kid we were joking was, he was like the douche's douche. Like douchebags would have looked at him like, oh, look at his fucking crushing it. At one point, my favorite part of the game, because, you know, he was a USC fan. I heard him talking all douchey and loudly.

And Notre Dame was down on the goal line. They stacked like three receivers on one side. And he's just like, look at that formation. Why would they stick all those guys there? Then of course, Notre Dame runs it up the middle for a touchdown. And I just turn around and look at him. I said, oh, it's because it clears out the middle. And he's like, oh, we're not even good this year.

That's what he said. Oh, he just wanted to fucking choke him, right? This goddamn scarf and listening to him losing faith. Like, I just want to, like the old me, what it actually got into with them. Being like, dude, why are you chairing this? He showed up in the fucking third quarter. But you know, he probably been like, oh, that's because I spent the first two quarters in the press box. My last name is Trojan.

My dad owns the university. You know, he's one of these fucking cunts. You know, but of course, you know, it was with a good looking girlfriend. She does. She's at that age. You know what I mean? She's going to hit your wagon to that. She's with a fucking absolute sweetheart.

God, that's got to suck, man. If you have a daughter, right? And she just marries a douche, you know, the tooth. First of all, you don't want it. You don't want her to be hanging around some fucking pussy hound either. Because you're like, all right, this guy's going to cheat on her, break her fucking heart, blah, blah, blah, blah. Give her a fucking STD. And then you got the other thing.

If it just marries a douche, you know, you got that weird feeling where like, okay, at least she'll be taken care of because, you know, he has money because he's a douche and doesn't care about things and would pour shit in the water supply if it got him another scarf in life. All right. So you want him to come home with like a fucking, you want her to come home with a fucking, I don't know, with like a nice guy. But then you meet him. He's a nice guy and then somewhere you're going to resent that kind of guy. This guy's too fucking nice to really go out and make it.

You know, you're just going to accept things, you know, and make pumpkin bread. I'm a fucking idiot. All right, let me just, let me just plow ahead here. Let's get to the questions. Oh, by the way, I saw a movie on the plane ride out here, a movie that I wanted to see. There was a movie called dope that came out, I think last year. It's fucking brilliant. It's such a great movie and the performances in it and the way it's written.

The whole thing, wire to wire was just done so perfectly. It's one of the best movies I saw. I was riding out with my buddy. We were on the same flight and we got another passenger to switch. So we were fucking hanging and drinking on the way out to go to this fucking game. We just had the best fucking time and I started watching that movie. And within like five minutes, I'm really fucking giving the elbow going, dude, you got to put this fucking movie on.

And just the whole way that they executed the thing was phenomenal. So definitely check it out. You're like, what's it about? It's about a kid who lives in the inner city and he's not in a gang and he sucks at sports and he's a fucking nerd. He's a total fucking geek. It's the kind of basically black kid that they really never put in movies. You know what I mean?

Because it's like the other two are exciting, are living exciting lives. Like when you're in a gang, there's life and death shit going on. And then, you know, if you're fucking playing in sports, you know what I mean? That's like, you know, three, two, one, you're going to have that whole movie thing going. And sad to say those are the two fucking kinds of like black guys that they put on TV. They've been gangs on cops and then on TV, crushing your team's hopes and dreams. That's it. They never show the fucking nerds that are down there that enjoy books and want to go to college

and want to get the fuck out of there. So not only that, is it an original thing like, oh, this part of the city and they're going to do this. This feels new. It's actually socially a great thing to show. There, I'm off my fucking tree stump. It's a fucking great movie. All right, let's plow ahead here. So the cubbies are down 2-0.

Toronto is down 2-0. There's this weird thing that, you know, if the Cubs are in the World Series, I'm going to be in Chicago at that time doing three nights, three nights of shows, and my agent was already worried going, dude, that city is going to fucking shut down. So there's a possibility we'd have to move the shows later. You know, who knows what the deal's going to be. We have to accommodate the people of Chicago. So I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

Move it later. I don't give a shit. I'll scalp a ticket and go to the game. And he goes, all right, done deal. So I actually really like the Mets this year because one of the guys I work with on F is for Family, sweetheart of a guy, he's a big Mets fan. He's a fucking die-hard Mets fan. And when it looked like the Mets was shit in the bed, he had this happy-go-lucky attitude about it going like,

you know, because he actually got me into it. Like back in August, I go to the Mets win last night and he just laughs. He goes, no, we lost again. I go, I'm sorry. He goes, yeah, we're going to blow it. We're going to blow it. I go, you're still going to watch? So he goes, yep, going to watch every game.

So just seeing a true fan like that, it kind of got me on the fucking bandwagon. But I also love the Cubs too. I actually, for some reason, it makes no sense as a Boston fan. I kind of really like the Mets too. But I also, you know, the Cubs, you got a roof for the Cubs being a Red Sox fan. Solidarity. They're going through a curse. I want to see them win, right?

Get that monkey off the back. As much as I can't stand people who wave hankies during fucking games. I give you a pass if you're a Steelers fan because they came up with it. The terrible towel, you know, for the love of God, can you be a fucking sports fan and put your hankie down, standing up, waving that thing? The people behind you can't see. It's the playoffs, playoffs. People want to see it.

All right, let's read some fucking questions here for the week. Yeah, the playoffs come around. All the douches come out with the fucking noisemakers and the hankies and the signs. Get out of the fucking way. There's a reason why there's stadium seating. So the person behind you can see. You start standing up flailing your fucking arms around, trying to get on TV. The rally monkey.

Ugh. All right, Halloween movies. Hey there, Billy on Elm Street. I would have gone with Night Burr on Elm Street. Are you into horror movies? I've heard every podcast and I'm not sure you've ever talked about it. What movies scared you as a kid? There was a movie where this fucking maniac, this chick was skating.

I've talked about this before. She was figure skating and then all of a sudden this fucking hockey playing Jason. They just show him skating in slow motion with his big muppet shoes. Right? That was the funny thing. They couldn't give him like, I don't think they gave him real skates because it would have seemed too fucking normal. He still had on his Frankenstein shoes with blades underneath it.

He starts fucking skating. Look at the muppets on ice, but then you see he has like a sickle. He starts skating towards this fucking lady and he pulls out the fucking, the sickle. And she's got the stupid chick figure skates, right? Where you can only do that fucking scissor run. You know what I mean? You can't do the fucking hockey thing. It's so fucking hilarious to me that they gave chicks that, you know, you figured that

fact that especially back in the day, you know what I mean? Where so many sexual assaults were like, well, what were you wearing? You were asking for it. You'd figured that they'd give the women the better skates. So then the fucking rapist guys would, you know, would have to do that fucking figure skating scissor thing to try to catch him as they fucking would fly up the ice and they'd get away, you know, to travesty. That one scared me on the first night of Friday the 13th.

Friday the 13th, part one and two were scary. And then once it went into 3D, kind of went off the rails. Dark Knight of the Scarecrow. Scared the fuck out of me. Old school ones. There was an old Sesame Street one that scared me where they were trying to teach you about the number one or being alone or something. They don't show it anymore because it scared the fuck out of me.

And years later I talked to my younger brother about it and said it scared the fuck out of him too. So I imagine somebody wrote to the show saying it was freaking kids out. He starts the song and he's on the piano and he's singing and it was like three other muppets there. And by the end of it, he was all by himself and he was running around going, hey, where'd everybody go? And he couldn't figure out how to get out. He fucking scared the shit. I don't know what the fuck it was.

The age I was at, it was dead whole thought of being alone and not near your parents. I was just old enough to understand that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I couldn't drive a car and that I'd never see anybody that I knew anymore. It was like one of the most terrifying things. So I went to Sesame Street there. Anyways, he said, what movie scared you as an adult? Anything you can tolerate as an adult? My personal favorite was The Omen.

What was the one where the guy fell under the ice and they were digging at the ice as he fucking went by? That one scared me too. Blair Witch scared the shit out of me. I saw that by myself the midnight showing. I totally buy in when I go to scary movies. The ring scared the fuck out of me. I found the American one more scarier than the Japanese one. And some of that shit over there, the audition.

Do you ever see that one? Old boy. Do you see that one? Bobby Lee told me to go see those two. Bobby Lee knows all about those fucking things. And yes, it is because he's Asian and he is a movie star. And you combine the two of those and he's going to give you some great fucking movies. Yeah, I'm one of those guys that I buy into it.

I hate people who go to scary movies and be like, that movie didn't even scare me. I was laughing through the whole thing, you know, like all of a sudden now they're like a war hero. It's like, yeah, you're at a movie. The whole time you've got a fucking movie. You just start looking around at the movie theater. Yeah, you're not going to be scared. But if you actually buy in, which is what you're supposed to do, you fucking actually have a good time, you cunt. All right.

Um, ex-girlfriend hinting at possible reunion. Oh, Jesus. Um, ex-girlfriend hinting at possible reunion. Hey, Bill, love your podcast, even though I'm a lady and think you have no women fans. Oh, I assume this was a guy. Look at me being all heterosexual here. I'll just get right into it and say, I've been having some lady problems.

My ex-girlfriend, do you know how bad I want to have a beer with you and talk to a fucking woman about women problems? Just to hear that fucking perspective. You know, with your fucking insight being a woman, you know, what are your moves? How do you fucking walk through that minefield? She goes, my ex-girlfriend whom I loved for a long time and use the word whom. I never know how to use that correctly. If anybody can send me something, I've read it on, you know, I know how to use your and your and two and two T double O. I know how to use those, right?

But, uh, who and whom have always stumped me. My ex-girlfriend whom, I'm just assuming you're using it correctly. I've loved for a long time. Keep saying she misses me and hinting at us getting back together, even though we've been broken up for like five years. It's one of those relationships that never seems to die, not in the sense that we keep breaking up and getting back together. We've never done that, but that we can't just be like normal friends. There's, there's always some underlying romantic feelings in our interactions. Yeah, it sounds like you guys had that sex vibe.

You know what I mean? And then you're both relationship people and next thing you know, you're hanging out, you're having great sex and then you actually know you're in a relationship. And then you really realize like, you know, we just sort of fucked each other's brains out. But other than that, there was nothing else there. But then every time you run into each other, there's still that, hey, we cannot go fuck each other's brains out. That you confuse for the spark of love. That's what I'm guessing so far. Anyways, in case you're not familiar with it, this is typical lesbian drama.

I didn't realize that, but it makes sense. If you got the same hardware, you know how the engine runs that you would probably, I would think that you guys were all fucking crushing it out there, right? Anyways, it's widely believed that we just can't let go. She had a girlfriend up until a few days ago, but kept flirting with me even when they broke up. Well, she's a piece of shit that you can't get with her. She's fucking around this other broad, right? Now she keeps saying stuff like, what do you think it's going to be like when we're old and married? Oh, God.

And she goes, oh, I forgot. You don't, oh, she goes, oh, and I forgot you don't want to get married. I'm okay with us just living together. I don't know if she's kidding or what. So I just try to dodge it by saying stuff like, I don't know, maybe I'll be dead by then. Yeah, exactly. She's getting in your fucking head. I neither confirm nor reject the idea of us getting back together.

I just let her run with it. I'm not even sure why she's doing this. She wants to talk to me all the time now. And I'm thinking maybe she's needy and has been and has been for some time since her relationship wasn't going that well. That's what I would guess. And I'm just a safe target for her to throw her emotions at and get something back. There you go. There you go.

I agree with all of that. But then she talked about how she will never love anyone as much as she loved me. And when I asked her if she still loves me, she said, yes. You know what? Can I ask you a question? Do you love her? Were you thinking of, were you even thinking about this broad until she got back into your fucking life? She's going to fucking turn you all around.

God, let me read the rest of this. But I don't know what kind of love and what she wants with me. If she's serious or just having fun. I'm not going to say I've never thought about it, but I'm not sure if I'd ever go back to that relationship. We broke up for a reason. And even though there's still something there, it seems like a huge step backward in a way. Well, there's your answer. What the hell does she want, Bill?

She wants your fucking clam. She wants to nuzzle up next to you and have somebody to watch a movie with and fuck around with again until she can fucking drive you nuts. And you got to go through the emotional drama again. And why now? You already answered the question because she's recently single and she's lonely. Thanks for your time and your freak podcast. Lesbophobic grandmother. Oh, that's the next question.

I thought I'd tell you, you signed it. I'm like, wait a minute. You're a grandmother and you're afraid of lesbians. You are a lesbian. What are the odds that was going to be the next one? Sorry about that. I would say, yeah, I would not get back involved with her. Fuck that.

Fuck that. You're still young. Go get yourself some hot piece that fucking is into you. So it can be exciting and new. Come aboard. We're two lesbians. Let's hang out and wear our jackets together, please. Um, yeah, that's what I would do.

I would move on. Oh, what? She wants you now because she's recently single. Fuck that. She's using you. All right. You're better than that. You're better than that.

Fuck that. And don't give in to the fact. You know, just the way they are. Just the way this whole thing's written. I feel like you're a little, you're a better person and that you actually have more genuine feelings. You know what I mean? Which means you're going to be more vulnerable and easier prey.

And I think she's coming in, you know, she's basically the lesbian version of the dude that sat behind me during the USC game. The douche is douche. She's like the lesbians cunt. You know, does that make any sense? Probably doesn't. But I'm looking out for you here. I would say do not get back together with her.

All right. Especially over the holidays. You know that Wednesday before Thanksgiving, when you just want to go out and go to that place, you know, basically the lesbian cheers. Sometimes you want to go. Right. Everybody knows your name and she's going to be sitting in there drinking some sort of pumpkin beer.

You know, comes walking up to you wearing her dickies. You don't need that shit. Fuck that. Go talk to that younger hottie in the sundress. Do yourself a, you know, treat yourself this holiday season. Get yourself a younger hottie in a sundress. All right. Lesbophobic grandmother.

Dear Billy Ball Buster, before I get to what I want to talk about, I just want to say that I'm a big dude and you, sir, have inspired me to lose weight. Good man. Since April 3rd, I've been working out almost every day and I've lost 35 pounds. So thank you for that. Bill, you're a legend. Dude, you're a legend.

That's fucking tremendous. That's what you got to do. Go to the gym every day. My big thing is I'm on the road for two weeks here. So, you know, I've actually stayed on my gym schedule. I went to the gym the first day. The second day was my day off and now the next three days in a row. I do three on one day off.

So I'm doing my podcast and we're driving down to Cincinnati. So when I get to Cincinnati, you know, it's not a long drive. So I'm going to, I'm going to do the old treadmill. Hopefully they'll have a pull-up bar or something there. So I can do my pull-ups and that type of shit because I have a bet with Paul Verzi that when I'm 70, I'm going to be able to do 10 of those fucking things. I was actually thinking the other day, if I could pat myself on the back as I was on my pegboard in my garage, which I have the long skinny one that I actually hung

sideways. So I just go along the things sideways because, you know, you need like fucking, you need like a fucking, you know, 10, 10 foot ceiling, probably 11 with the size of my head to go up a pegboard and have the head room to get up to the top. And I didn't want to hang it lower and start, you know, with my fucking basically on my knees for whatever reason. I didn't want to do that.

And I was going across the pegboard and I was actually thinking at some point going dude, I'm 47 years old going across the pegboard at some point. I got to be impressed. That's pretty impressive. And after Burke Chrysler gave me that men's health thing to increase your grip strength that really helped me on the fucking pegboard. And also my technique I held, you know, when you hold it, you got to have your basic, your forearms almost touching your bicep.

You got to have it. And then the rest of your arm is basically right on your side. You got to get in close. So you got more leverage. I was almost, I had my arm too far away from my chest and I couldn't do it. So anyways, he goes a few years back, my parents got divorced after 17 years of a bad marriage. We'll put the final nail in the coffin was my mother's secret relationship with another lady who is now her girlfriend who I'll call Kate for the sake of this email.

Kate with the K, not with the C like old Bruce there. She has since moved in with us, which sounds weird, but my brother, sister and I all have a great relationship with Kate. Also, I wasn't, it wasn't just something my, oh my God, can you imagine that poor bastard? What a mind fuck that is. Dude, if you're in a relationship, okay, and it ends and it turns out the other person's gay. I mean, you have to be sitting there going, this person never loved me. I just wasted my fucking life.

And then on top of that, your family bonds with the new fucking lover. That's just a double mind fuck. Like, is there any sympathy for me? What the fuck I'm going through? I legitimately love this fucking woman. Wow. Anyway, she has since moved in with us, which sounds weird. My brothers and sisters and I have a great relationship with Kate.

Well, that's, I mean, yeah, that's good. That's actually progressive. Also, it wasn't just something my mom. Also, it wasn't just something my mom just drove into in spite of my dad. My mom and Kate really do love each other and they have three strong years together to back that up. Dude, you got any sympathy for your dad? Here's the problem. My grandmother has grown farther and farther apart from my mother ever since she turned lesbian, turned lesbian.

No, dude, she always, she was always there. She pretty much hates Kate. Dude, by the way, you can't turn gay. You're gay. You know what I mean? You just, you fucking gay. It's like, did you turn heterosexual? Was it a decision you made, you know, at like four or five fucking years of age?

That's the first time. That's the first time I remember. I always tell this fucking story whenever somebody says turned gay. It's like you are what you are. I remember I was laying on the floor. They had this giant rug when I was in kindergarten and this girl asked to get up and go to the bathroom. She could go to the bathroom when I was laying there playing with some fucking toy, you know, holding it up like a little kid does. And when she walked by me, she walked by close enough that I could see up her skirt to see her five year old five, which sounds weird, but I was five.

So I was crushing it, right? And when I saw it, you know, I felt like this fucking jolt in my heart. And I remember I sat up and I just turned around and stared at her as she walked out, like what the fuck was that? You know, there wasn't a decision made. So I imagine if you were gay, right? Am I really going to talk about five year old balls? I can't do that. Yeah, it's basically the same thing.

But to say that you turned gay would mean that you also turned heterosexual, which means at some point you were sitting there and, you know, metaphorically or hypothetically, whatever the proper word is. There was a dick and a pussy on the table and you were going eat, eat, eat, eat. Let's see, what are we going to choose here? Let's weigh the options. You didn't. You were just straight. All right. Anyways, so she pretty much hates Kate and she believes she has perverted my mom.

She won't even so much as come over for a meal and I could barely mention Kate around her. Mind you, my grandmother lives only nine houses down from us. Here's my question. Is there any way to make my grandmother more accepting of my mother Kate, my mother and Kate? Her option hasn't budged in three years and I'd love for her to at least be cordial. Your infinite and hilarious wisdom will be greatly appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself. No, I'm sorry.

I usually offer a ray of light. There isn't. There isn't. This is going to be one of these death bed things that she's going to have to fucking do. They just, there isn't. When somebody feels that way, feels that strongly. All I can say is just keep inviting her to stuff. Maybe eventually she'll come around.

I was surprised that in all of this, she didn't have any, nothing about your dad and the shit that he had to go through. I mean, that's fucking unbelievable. You know, they actually did an article about that, you know, when, when Bruce became Kate, you know, and they will go, Oh my God, isn't this amazing? This is fucking, you know, and that's why it gets the fourth of July because everybody was so afraid to be on the wrong side of that issue. Then all of a sudden, you know, they'd lose their advertising and then they couldn't make their mortgages. That's what most of that reaction was about. I felt was about, you know, cover your ass.

Let's get out in front of this story and show how much we, you know, we are accepting of this or like that pieces of shit ESPN. Let's ignore a woman dying of cancer who's still playing basketball and let's make fucking Kate the sportsman of the year so that we get the exclusive interview with her fucking pieces of shit. Anyways, the fuck am I going with this? Like they actually did this article and informed article on it. That wasn't homophobic, but actually talked about the people that were married and the depression and devastation that they go through because they, you know, they lose that person. You know what I mean? Like Bruce Jenner is gone. And if you loved Bruce, if you want a fucking relationship, you know, with them, like his wife was, I mean, all of a sudden just fucking just bad enough.

You go through a fucking. It's almost like they died. So I mean, there is like a crazy thing there. Or if you have a relationship where all of a sudden there's nothing more definitive. I think that if your partner never fucking loved you the way you love them. If not only do you go through a divorce that they then you find out that the whole time that they were gay. So it's just like, I would be going like, oh my God. So was I like grossing you out every time we had sex?

I would be fucking devastated. So I was a little surprised you got nothing in there about your dad. I mean, he must be like, fucker. Is he crushing it? Maybe he's got some fucking young chick on the side. I have no idea, but I'm getting away from the thing here. I would say no, there's there's no way when somebody's that walled off. And you know, on one level, you just got to be accepting of your grandmother that like she grew up in a different time and her child brain was filled up with this shit.

And you know, it's it's fucking atrophied in there. There's nothing you can do about it, but I don't know, just keep coming over. You know what I would do? I would openly joking. I would openly joke about it in front of her to loosen her up. You know, that's what I would do. I just remembered when we remember that guy, that old guy that lived beneath me last time when I had the apartment way back in the day. And he used to always yell at my wife through the floors and he was a fucking asshole.

We just started being overly nice to him. My wife started whistling at him like he was a good looking guy. And we fucking basically wore the guy down. And at some point, you know, you know, before the dementia set in, and he totally went fucking crazy, you know, was standing out in the fucking porch with just a t-shirt on. That was a hell of a sight. I would just openly joke about it. I would just be like, I would start calling her Kate that you hate. That's what I would do.

Hey, my mom and Kate that you hate, that's going down to the store. Hey, you know, Katie that you hate? Yeah, they're going, they're going to go to the movies. They're probably holding hands right now, grandma. They're holding hands, grandma. Like, I would just do that. I'd be like, come on, grandma. That was never one, you know.

You never had one half a second gay moment. You know, it was just one girl. I don't know what she did. You just admiring her beauty. And you know, maybe just wanted to kiss her on her shoulder and just try to gross her out. I would, I would, you know, I would break her balls about it. Every time I saw her, I would do that in the beginning and then I would talk to her about whatever I wanted to talk about. That's what I would do.

And see if you could, and then I would tell Kate that that's what I'm doing. And then when Kate was there, I'd be like, grandma, there's Kate that you hate. Oh, Haiti, Katie, there she is. Look at her. You know, as much as you hate her, you got to admit this is a hell of a meatloaf sandwich. Granted, you know, you don't want to know where those fingers were when she was making it. Don't take it that far. I'm sorry.

I had to get out of it with a joke. Um, all right, girlfriend, uh, fucked a yoga instructor. Hey, old Billy Baltitz, how the fuck are you? Uh, I'm writing you because I need some advice. I just recently found out my girlfriend of two years has done some fucked up shit up until now. I thought she was marriage material. She's not like the Kardashian wannabes of today. She and I have so much in common.

We always laugh and I love hanging out with her. No red lights, no red flags, you mean have been triggered until now. Uh, she doesn't drink like crazy. She doesn't take off her heels and walk home. She's not a quitter. Overall, she's awesome. But recently I found out from a mutual friend that before she met me, she had a secret affair with her yoga instructor. And that's not even the fucked up part.

The yoga instructor is also her best friend's dad. What? Okay, her best friend's dad and she never told her best friend. Oh my God. So that yoga instructor fucked his daughter's best friend. Dude, that is such yoga instructor behavior. Dude, I'm telling you right now in another fucking life, I would have been a yoga instructor. Dude, those guys fucking crush it like nobody.

Dude, hot chicks. They all fucking do yoga, right? Because they want to stay in shape, but they don't want to get all fucking bulked up. They want to keep that sinewy tight muscle, right? They want to be all tone, but still look good in a fucking dress, right? So you keep like the Pied Piper, they just come to you and you get them all stretched out before you fuck them. And then you can have your whole new agey, blah, blah, blah. Dude, I'm telling you right now, take a yoga fucking class one time in your life.

And you know who the yoga instructor wants to bang. It's the one they always go over and they adjust them and they put their hands on them, you know? You know what I mean? And they get the woman gets to feel their fucking touch and they're all fucking open because they're fucking in this headspace. Like the whole fucking vibe is it's a layup. You know, it's funny, I just take this fucking yoga class and this guy was like crushing it. And for some reason I was always doing the positions correctly. He never had to adjust me, but the fucking chick next to me who was already totally stretching could put her foot up her own goddamn clam.

For some reason he always had to fucking adjust her with their spaghetti straps. Huh? Fucking hilarious. Ah, you got to love a piece of shit yoga instructor. I fucking, oh, there's such dirt bags and the whole time they're talking about all this new agey stuff. You know, just be man. You can't fight it. You know, just fucking give into my dick.

Anyways, he said they fucked for a few months before she met me and came clean to telling me that it was true, but she regrets it. What the fuck do I do? I'm young. I'm only 22, but I feel like I have really found some someone in her, but I feel like I can't trust someone who would be that deceitful. Should I move on or assume something like this won't happen in the future? Thanks a million and as always go fuck yourself. Well, those are two really great questions. Um, you know, in defense of her, she's really young.

And I'm assuming that fucking guy is at least in his 40s and what he did was barely legal. You know, dude, that guy fucking spit 20 years a game at her in a yoga class. I mean, it's a fucking layup. Um, but also she did fuck a guy. She did fuck her friend's dad. So if she's the way that you say, well, she's this really wholesome, innocent type person, those people are also, you know, the kinds of people that end up in the trunk of serial killers cars. I hate to say it because they are so fucking innocent and that type of shit. So, you know, this guy's basically Jason, except instead of an axe, he's using his dick.

I mean, that's just fucking, that's fucking. Oh my God. I can't imagine doing that. I can't fucking, can you imagine right after you bust a nut and you're thinking clearly again, what the fuck you just did? And you know, women are so fucking emotional, right? Jesus Christ, like, and they just have to talk. You never rob a bank with a woman. I mean, you're caught before it's even started and then you do something like that.

And then I'm like, God, I feel so bad. I feel about bad. And she goes out and has a couple of fucking lady drinks and the whole fucking town knows. Oh my God. And then your daughter is going to hate you for life. Your marriage is fucking over. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Geez, that guy, he might as well stuck his dick in a beehive.

Son of a bitch got away with it because he's a fucking yoga instructor, man. Yeah, I don't know. I would just really come clean to her and I would just sit down and say, listen, just tell her all these great things that you feel about her. But the fact that she did it, did that. You just need to talk about it more. Like just ask a walker. We're way through it. Like, why do you think you did that?

Just don't accuse her. Don't be like, don't be having accusatory tone. Don't be judging her even though you are. I think the jury's still out on that because she's so fucking young and that piece of shit is so fucking old. He really took advantage of her. I don't give, I know it's fucking legal, but to me in my head, like, yeah, you're fucking pervert if you do something like that. I'm judging the guy. I'm judging the guy.

I mean, she was 21, 22 when he did it, but that's not fucking right. That's that's not fucking right, you know. Jesus fucking Christ. I've seen pornos with a more wholesome storyline than that, you know. No, I would just ask her about it and just why do you do that? Why did you do that? Why do you think that you did it? I would help her get through it in a therapy way and just buy her answers.

If, you know, if that's like what she's into, then I would have some concerns that she would act out again. I don't know. But if you love her, you really got to sit down in a non-judgmental way. And by the way, dude, you're telling me you haven't stuck your dick in some place that would give her a little some fucking red flag. You never did anything filthy. You know, I mean, I'm assuming you did. Why don't you be fair and kind of it's this weird thing where like you should be before you marry somebody. You have to.

You got to judge him. You don't just walk into it blindly. You're agreeing to spend your life with somebody. You got to judge him harshly. But she already feels bad about it. You know, you don't want to hurt her, but there's there's a way more of like a therapy kind of way. You could just ask her, like, why, why do you think that you did that? And if she goes, well, why are you still asking me about it?

Which she might, she might get defensive. I would just say, I don't know, because it's it concerns me. That's a bad answer. What do you mean it concerns you? Don't judge me. Oh, Jesus, dude, this will be like dismantling a bomb. I just put, I mean, it's a hell of a story. Like how did you keep that a secret?

How did you feel about that? She probably needed to get it off her fucking chest. I think the fact that she had to admit it to you shows that she's not a complete sociopath. You know, I don't know. Let me know how that one goes. I gave you the best advice I could. All right, by curious girlfriend. Jesus, this is like the red shoe diaries this fucking week.

Hey, Bill, recently I found out that my girlfriend, who I've been with for a year now, has been searching on the internet for naked girls and porn with hot girls. As I was on her phone in front of her, not snooping. Oh yeah, I'm sure you weren't snooping. This was, of course, news to me and I confronted her about it, which ended up in her being embarrassed and upset. She promised me that she's never been interested in girls in that way. However, she told me that she does find girls attractive. Dude, what is the fucking problem?

I love this girl and she makes me very happy. This worried me because even though I am confident, young and good looking male, it made me feel insecure about myself and feel that I'm not enough for her. Well, that's very honest. Love the podcast, especially the vice videos as I usually agree with your outlook on different situations. So just wanted to see what you thought about my situation. Should I be concerned or should I just forget about and continue to be happy with it? Thanks to go fuck yourself.

Well, there's a number of ways that you can go with this. You can either break up with her and then you're not with her. You can drive her to an indulge in this attraction and then get yourself a threesome out of it, but you're probably going to fuck up the relationship because it never fucking works. Once you have that open fucking thing and then we have rules, I have to be there and then eventually you won't be there and then it'll be fucking weird and there'll be three people in the room when you have to break up talk. I don't know, dude, I'm really big on not like judging people like, you know,

when it comes to that type of stuff, like the sex stuff and the shit that they're fucking into, because I still think we're just scratching the surface of all the shit. Like I don't even think we even understand it at this point. So I think it's perfectly okay if she's into that type of thing. I actually think it's kind of cool. And now I wouldn't, I wouldn't. There's no reason to feel insecure. You know what I mean?

Think about the porn that you've watched this step. You definitely got something in your sexual fucking closet that she doesn't fucking know about. You know what I mean? Something that you're into, you're into like older chicks or who the fuck knows what, right? Who the fuck knows? I think, I think like to really have a great relationship. You kind of, you just got to accept. There's that fine line where you have to know what you're willing to accept

and what you're not willing to accept. You got to know where that line is. And when you're young, I think you're still learning that. So that's why you're writing me. Just figure out where that line is. And if the person's on this side of that line, then you just have to be totally accepting of them. And once they know that they can relax and you have a great fucking relationship, you know? Not to toot my own horn, but I have a great relationship with my wife.

And part of it is because we do that with each other. Like she, you know, she accepts me for the fucking lunatic that I am. And I am a fucking lunatic. Like the weird thing of me getting with her is I realized how fucking nuts I am. And I don't mean like, Hey, I'm a crazy guy. I like to drink beer and smoke cigars. I mean, like there's something fucking a little off about me. And she accepts it.

She doesn't give a fuck, you know, on the surface. I'm a great guy. I'm sitting there making pumpkin bread, you know, working my ass off, bringing all money. And the underneath there, like I'm a fucking, I'm an, I'm a lunatic. And I'm such a psycho that I'm only just now realizing it. And I can't even, I can't even like verbalize what it is about me that makes me a fucking. I don't know. Like I am unbelievably, I don't know.

I'm an anti social son of a bitch. I will tell you that right now. Do you know, I'm sitting in a hotel room right now with a TV that does not get proper reception on a football Sunday. Yesterday, I could not get proper reception for the games. And rather, and I just shut the TV off because I'd rather miss the fucking football games than to call down to the front desk and have to socially deal with somebody coming in here and fixing the TV. I just don't want them in here. And while he was fixing the TV, I would be sitting there. I talked about this last night thinking like, what if I just took my laptop and just smashed him over the fucking head repeatedly right now?

You know, I just think shit like that. I wouldn't do it. But that's what I would be thinking. And the whole time he's helping me, every time he would talk, I would just be in a hostile way thinking shut your fucking mouth. And that's just one of those ticks that I have. And she accepts me. Oh, I didn't read the last bit of the advertising here. Oh, by the way, thanks to everybody that came out to the show last night in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Looking forward to Cincinnati. Gonna try to get some fucking ribs when I'm down there. That's what they're known for. All right, LegalZoom, everybody. You shouldn't have to choose a random lawyer who charges expensive hourly rates when you need legal help. But the legal system is so complicated. What other choice do you have when you need help with your business and want to protect your family? Well, start with LegalZoom.

They make it easy. For more than a decade, they provided a way for regular people like you and me. You know, we're not good at math, right? We don't have a trust fund. We're just regular folk walking down the street eating a corn dog to confidently navigate the legal system. LegalZoom is not a law firm. That's how they provide such great value. They don't rely on charging you by the hour, man.

Instead, you'll get transparent pricing and customer views so you know exactly what you're getting up front. If you need help with the incorporation LLCs, trademarks, last wills, living trusts and more, LegalZoom is the smart choice. They've got the right people on hand to answer your questions. And if you need legal advice, their network of independent attorneys can provide the straightforward guidance you need in most states. Don't let legal hurdles become an excuse. Go to LegalZoom.com today to start building your own future the right way. To save even more, enter Burr in the referral box to check out.

That's LegalZoom.com promo code Burr. And lastly, but not leastly, Stamps.com, everyone. Mailing and shipping are a routine part of your, of running your business. Important keeps your operation, important. What? Keeps your operation going. Is that a fucking sentence? But if you're making constant trips to the post office, that's a routine you need to change.

There's a much more convenient way, and that's Stamps.com. Stamps.com brings all the services of the post office right to your desk. Buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer and printer. Print postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail. Then just hand it to your mail lady or mailman. You'll never waste valuable time going to the post office again, so you can focus on what really matters growing your business. I use Stamps.com to send out all my posters, right?

Anytime I'm pouring myself out, I'll do that in Madison Square Garden. I got a poster for that one. I'll be sending it out. And if I can figure out how to use their scale and all that shit, so can you. Right now, sign up for Stamps.com and use my last name, Burr, for this special offer. Four-week trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes postage and a digital scale. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. Alrighty, that's the podcast for this week.

And, dude, how good do the fucking Canadians look? They're looking to go six and oh, those fucking red and white and blue cunts. And San Jose actually has the nerve to be undefeated. Can you believe that? They're going to do it to their fans again. They're going to get them all excited just to shit the bed again in the playoffs. Who knows? Who knows what will happen? All I know is the Bruins got another game coming up, I think, tomorrow.

I'm going to try to watch it when I'm on the bus. And as always, thank you to everybody who's been listening to the podcast. Everybody who came out last night. I'm selling the last of my DVDs on the road here. They're all autographed. And when they're gone, they're gone, just like Cadbury Eggs. And that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll just check it on you on Thursday.

Alright, have a lovely couple of days. In the Berging, in the Keuken, even in the Living, they're really all about the empty batteries. But now we're going to the finish. Bring them to a Bebath-in-sammel. You'll always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath? Together, better for nature and for all of us.

Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM.