Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-13

Episode Date: October 21, 2013

Bill rambles about the Greenpeace 30, the word "intrigued" and the beauty of a front kick....

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. October 21st, 2013. How you fucking doing? Why is there such an echo in here? Hey! I'm in a hotel room. A sparsely furnished hotel room here. That's why it's echoing a little bit. You know what? This will help my awful singing. You know? Oh, you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. How are you? How was your weekend? As you can tell, I'm a little banged up. A little banged up didn't get a lot of sleep last night. You know what? I've been in the fog the last 10 days. I was kidding. Who? Last like 10 weeks. I've been on the road. I've been working my ass off and daddy's been taking his medicine every night. And you know what? I'm in a fog. I need to turn over a new leaf here. I've got to become like that dude. Remember those grape nut commercials? Where he'd be outside in his fucking bathrobe.
Starting point is 00:01:33 You know, one leg up on the fucking wooden seat. A couple of squirrels running around in the background. Some birds tweeting and he's just eating his grape nuts. All clear headed. Right? That's why I need to be. All right? I gotta quit. That sound like shit. Getting over a cold. I'm a mess this week everybody. You know what? This should make you feel better about yourself. You know, at least I didn't fucking behave the way Bill Bandwagon did this weekend. You guys been following me on Twitter? That's my new character, Bill Bandwagon. I was joking on Twitter that the Boston Red Sox signed the first free agent fan to a three week contract, Bill Bandwagon. And that is me and I am him. Bill Bandwagon does what Bill Bandwagon do. So I actually went over to the Red Sox pro shop here in Boston and I went over to it. Well, during the whenever the fuck we were playing Detroit this past weekend, I walked into the pro shop and I literally I got sick to my stomach.
Starting point is 00:02:40 How weird is that? Because I bought so much Red Sox shit right up during the whole height of that curse of the babe shit trying to end that fucking 86 year drought. I have more Red Sox shit than I don't think I'll ever have to buy anymore. I mean, if they win the championship, I'm definitely I'm definitely going to buy a hat. I like getting the World Series patch, but that that that's about it. Maybe a shot glass or something like it. But as far as jerseys, dude, I got I still in mind the back of my closet. Derek Lowe t shirt. Manny Manny Ramirez jersey. No, my fucking jersey. Somebody got me a jersey that was like the old school Red Sox one and just said poppy on the front of it like I'm ever going to fucking wear that but I can't throw it out. You know, so the last thing I fucking need to do is go into a store and get more of that shit that that is going to become sentimental and then I can't throw it out. So I went by there again today to see if they had the World Series patches and they don't. I guess they get them tomorrow. Some shit. I don't fucking know. So anyways, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. I can actually name a few now. Go around the infield a little bit. Was it Middlebrooks over to drill over to Padroia and I don't know who plays first base. Is it Napoli or is he out in that field? I don't fucking know. Salty Amaka.
Starting point is 00:04:08 And then there's those two Asian guys who were just fucking killing it. I can't remember the guy's name. It begins with a U and he's fucking lights out. It's pathetic. It's so sad that I haven't watched this year and I have to sit here like a housewife who's been doing needlepoint all year and acting like I get it. I don't get it. I don't know what's going on. I've been here in Boston for the last five days and I'm actually reading the sports page and this is how fucking nuts this place is like Dan Shaughnessy like three days in a row wrote a positive article. It's incredible. But whatever. Let's just get down to brass tacks here. The Red Sox in the World Series. Unbelievable fucking series. We had to win Game 6. I just said we. I know I did. I'm a fucking hypocrite. They had to win Game 6 because there's no way they'll be in Verlanda twice. So thank God they did. And thank God that guy hit that grand slam and he punched himself in the chest. Like that chick who sings the Titanic song. That's Whitney Houston. What was the Titanic song? That was just a song that made you hate women. You know you ever do that. You just really. I don't know if women if you ever do. Did you. There's ever a song that comes on that just makes you hate guys. A bunch of fucking meatheaded guys. A bunch of peanuts around the peanut shells around their feet. Sitting there screaming and yelling. Right.
Starting point is 00:05:42 Standing over there in the corner with their shit stained drawers drinking beers like this has to be a fucking song like that. For me the male version. It was whatever that Titanic song was. And that stupid meerkat that sang the fucking thing and she'd punch herself in her little hollow chest. Oh God. The fuck was her name. And then she dated. She'd married that landscaped fucking coke dealer slash maybe did some porn at some point in his life directed it anyways. That boogie nice looking guy. And one of those really fucking effeminate French names like Renee or Susan or some shit right. Jackie whatever the fuck his name was. Jesus am I in a mood. Listen to me. Trashing that that fucking the female George St Pierre of Canada. Right. They're basically on the same level. One can choke you out. The other one chokes you up. There you go. Look at that. That was poetry right there. I'm summing up Canada everybody. Oh Jesus. Anyways I found a cigar when I was here in Boston. I got to lay off that shit dude. I swear to God I look phenomenal for my age but if I live another week the way I've been living the last six weeks.
Starting point is 00:07:10 All right. I'm going to catch up to what Ron Howard looks like and I'm going to go right by him. You know and that's no disrespect to Ron. Okay that guy's like in his 60s isn't he. He's in his 50s. I don't fucking know. Whatever. This is the Monday morning podcast everybody the Boston Red Sox are in the World Series against the St. Louis shit birds and red birds. Sorry. Why would you start with them. They're very nice fans. Very nice fans out there in the home of Anheuser Bush. And I got to tell you something right now. I cannot name one person on their team. This is the most baseball I've watched since I stopped watching in 2010. I don't know anybody on that fucking team. Who's pitching for you John Tudor. What do you got over there. Did that guy who finally shaved his fucking head. No wait you traded him to the Angels. And then from what I've overheard he's been shitting the bed out there. What the fuck is his name.
Starting point is 00:08:10 I don't know. I don't fucking know. But you know I'm going to watch. You know what's the hardest thing about trying to fucking watch the Red Sox and get all caught up is they all look alike with those fucking beards. There's like three of them. They look they have the exact same length and color beard. And then there's the backup catcher or whatever but he's got the gray in it. I don't I don't fucking know. I don't pretend to know. All right. But if you think I'm not going to be standing there on the child's is the duck boats go by like I've been there all fucking year. You're sadly mistaken. Yes you are. All right let's get out of the whole sports thing. This is a story that intrigued me. Do you guys see the juice. Don't you hate that fucking word. I thought now is intrigued. You know like the whole world should be rejoicing that you're fucking fascinated. Just say it sparked your interest. You were intrigued. What a self-serving fucking word that is. That's a deal breaker right there. If you're ever on a date and somebody uses that word on a first date unless you're a fucking douche and you want to you know maybe cancel out your douchiness. You know like two negatives make a positive and maybe a baby will come out and be a good shit. I'm telling you right now steer clear of anybody ever uses the word intrigued. You know as if the artsy fucking glasses didn't give themselves a way to begin with the second that word comes out of their mouth. You know if you can't do the math on that I can't fucking help you. Here's a story that just piqued my interest. Have you guys seen this shit about the Greenpeace 30. It's basically 28 Greenpeace guys ladies whatever the fuck you call them Greenpeaceers and two journalists for some stupid fucking reason they decide. They just decide out of the fucking blue to go over up into the Arctic Circle. All right. And basic what the fuck I gotta say this right. Basically what they did they tried to board.
Starting point is 00:10:26 Okay more than a month ago after Russian Coast Guard seized 28 Greenpeace activists and two journals journalists in the Arctic waters following their attempt to board a Russian oil rig. These guys got these guys had a meeting. These 28 people had a fucking meeting. And they were like all right here's the plan to help save the environment or at the very least try to slow down the changing of the environment because there's always going to be an environment. You know taking one from George Carlin there. It will always be an environment which just changing so they don't like the direction that some of the other human beings the effects they have and honestly decide that they're going to try and stop these guys from drilling in this area that Greenpeace feels they shouldn't be drilling it. So they're sitting there in the war room drawing up these plans. All right and I'm just picturing myself in this fucking meeting because I don't have a problem with Greenpeace. You know looks like a very thrilling job. Sit there zigzagging in front of a fucking whaling ship. Wind in your hair. You know people from other lands shaking their fist at you that sounds like a hell of a fight sounds way better than tying yourself to a tree.
Starting point is 00:11:45 Going come on. Not this one. You know it just seems like you know it's a good time. So if I have a joint Greenpeace I could see myself getting sucked into a position where I'm in that meeting. All right. So now you're in the fucking meeting. Somebody up there who God knows who man or a woman is up there going all right so we're going to go up to the Arctic Circle right there. I'm like all right that's going to be fucking cold.
Starting point is 00:12:13 What is it. It's October the fucking planet starting to tilt away from the sun up there. I don't know about this. Are we going up there on an icebreaker. That's my first concern. Yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah and now we're going to go fuck with the Russians. Whoa. Right there.
Starting point is 00:12:29 I'm looking around the room. Do you see my whole life is a childhood. Those were the guys you don't want to fuck with. You don't want to fuck the Russians. You know. This isn't like you're going to go over there and you're going to go mess with. I don't know. Fix anybody the Estonians.
Starting point is 00:12:47 Who the fuck knows anything about Estonia. I don't. Estonia. What are they doing over there. Do they eat people. They don't eat people. Fuck it. Let's go over and let's go mess with them.
Starting point is 00:12:57 The second you say Russians. I'm like wait a minute. What is this. And then they get to the fucking point. Yeah. Then we're going to pull up to their oil rig. We're going to shoot some ropes up it like we're in an action movie and we're going to start climbing up the side of it and we're going to board their oil rig. Right there.
Starting point is 00:13:18 I'm out. I'm not fucking doing that shit. You out of your mind. We're going to get shot. Somebody is going to take a fucking meat cleaver right as we get up to the top. They're going to pour hot war a fucking oil on us. So anyways these fucking jerks off to get on this goddamn boat and then two journalists go with them. To cover it.
Starting point is 00:13:43 And they fucking they. They go out there and what exactly what you would have thought would happen happened. Plus fucking like Russian Navy SEAL looking guys with these fucking awesome guns pointed at these these people. They arrested all of them. They took their boat and the two journalists. The Greenpeace guys are saying that the fucking boat was in international waters. Gives a fuck you're at the top of the planet. There's no straight sides.
Starting point is 00:14:13 You know what are you looking at your little fucking watch. Oh we're on this longitude and this latitude nobody gives a fuck you just tried to board our oil rig. All bets are off. So anyways they all got arrested and they're being charged with piracy and they're beside themselves. They're just saying yeah the Russians just don't seem to understand and it's like no no no no you don't understand. You fucking morons you don't you don't do shit like that. Fine my neighbor was planting some ugly bushes in his yard and I wanted to protest. I wouldn't try to fucking repel into his living room.
Starting point is 00:14:50 And then when they arrest me for fucking breaking and entering I wouldn't be all playing the victim being like dude what the what are you talking about. I was protesting your your shrubs. You just don't seem to have to see you have the same sense of humor about this that I do. So yeah so I don't know like everybody's feeling like talking about this like they're the victims. It says the organ the organizer the organization's UK executive director has worked every weekend since the incident in the PCORC while Lee. 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:32,000 The PCORC while leading efforts to secure their release but is still finding it difficult to sleep. He's in a constant rush or interview blah blah blah he said Russia he said Russia is sending out a clear signal saying hands off our part of the Arctic and hands off complaining about our right to drill for oil there.
Starting point is 00:15:47 I think they're saying something a little more than that. Don't fucking show up to our oil rig like like you got Tom Cruise on the boat. You can do submission impossible shit this is the real world. Jesus Christ you guys know how dumb I am right. I know not to go out on a fucking boat and try and board a Russian oil rig. You know it just be like that guy in platoon the whole time I got a bad feeling about this man. So we're going out there listening to the mamas and the poppers some hippie shit all the leaves are brown and the sky is grey and the sky is grey. And these fucking guys start screaming at you in Russian.
Starting point is 00:16:39 Dude the guns they had pointed at him with a shit I got to tell you that right now. I think that was the game over I think it was called the game over 9000 that's what the fuck they were pointing at him. So you know what are you going to do. There's a lot of dumb ways to go to prison but I got to say that's that's right up there. How awful is it to get arrested for piracy and you didn't even fucking take the time to dress up like one. You know that would be the only saving grace I believe the only way I'm going on this mission is if I get that fucking hamburger striped shirt. Put a patch over my eye and some sort of cutlass in my fucking mouth is that a knife was that a gun. I don't fucking know what he what he called it one of those one of those.
Starting point is 00:17:24 It's not a sword it's a fat sword it's like a meat cleaver that got an erection stick that right in your fucking mouth that's very phallic. And then you climb up the side going. If I can. Instead you fucking climb it up the side. One, two, three, four. We don't want you drilling for oil. Okay. All right.
Starting point is 00:17:47 Easy guys. Hands up everybody. Jesus. They're serious. All right. Let's get to some advertising here for this week. The Greenpeace 30 everybody. Let's try to keep up on that one.
Starting point is 00:17:58 Can you believe it? Who would have thought who would have thought you couldn't fucking just pull up to an oil rig. Fucking ocean. Dude, you couldn't do that to axon. The very least someone's going to pee on you as you're climbing up the side. Somebody far enough in the ocean somebody might even take a shit. I don't think cell phone cameras work out there because of the Bermuda triangle. Dollar Shave Club everybody.
Starting point is 00:18:26 Oh yeah. I talk about this every damn week. There's so many things in the world that irritate me. Hippies boarding a Russian oil rig and getting charged for piracy and then sitting there staring at their Bergenstock, shaking their head going. I don't understand. Do you like how much I'm stereotyping them that they're like this? I'm sure they're hippies 2.0s. Whatever.
Starting point is 00:18:48 What else bothers me? The Red Sox Beards. I can't tell one from the other. That's been bugging me and the way I've been living my life lately, very unhealthy. That's been bugging me. But listen, with so many things out there that can irritate you, why would you add razors to the list you fucking moron? Come on. Do the math here.
Starting point is 00:19:11 It's time to stop milking your razor blade. I know with brand name razors, you know what you're used to? You're used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start to look like a rusty soda can as you drag it across your face there. It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. You never have to think about it again. They send a pack every month so you can change your blades every week. I love these guys and your face will love them too.
Starting point is 00:19:36 They also have a new product called One Wipe. Shall we? It's a butt wipe from men. And you know what I say? It's about time. And it's classy. Oh, is it classy? You stick your pinky out as you're wiping your bum there.
Starting point is 00:19:49 Check out the video for that. It's hilarious. And sign up for your razors today. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. B-U-R-R. That's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. B-U-R-R. Or go to billburr.com and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner.
Starting point is 00:20:04 All right. Hulu Plus, everybody. You know, last couple of weeks, I keep saying that they have breaking bad on there. And you know what? Evidently, they don't. So why don't I actually go to the friggin' website and try and look it up here? Let's see what they got going on here. Well, you first try one week free.
Starting point is 00:20:21 Jesus Christ, help me out here. How am I supposed to figure this out? Oh, fuck yourself. Everybody's trying to get you information. Do you know why I tried to rent a bicycle here in Boston? Yeah, I did that. I did that. I was going to ride a bike and I felt good about it.
Starting point is 00:20:39 And you guys could say anything you want about me, I don't care. I like riding bicycles in cities. And when I ride them, I like going troll-a-la as I go by pedestrians waiting across the street. It makes me smile. So anyways, they have these, you know, they have in New York City, you know, those city bikes, unless you're in a rich neighborhood and they don't want bicycles in the neighborhood. You know what's amazing about rich people? It's just how much they just don't want to be around other people.
Starting point is 00:21:10 And you know, I 100% get it. I fucking respect that. The fuck out of here, you animals. All right. Do you think I stole all this fucking money to listen to you getting on and off a bicycle? Get the fuck out of here. You're a piece of shit. And I took your 401K.
Starting point is 00:21:30 Right? Anyways, Hulu plus everybody. No, I'm kidding. So I, I'll get back to that in a second. So I got to rent this bicycle. So I'm like, all right, what's, what's the deal? I got to stick my credit card in the bike thing. So I go ahead and do it.
Starting point is 00:21:46 And then all of a sudden they want my phone number. They want my phone number. I'm just renting a bike. You already have my name and my credit card number. You know who took the bike. What do you need my phone number for? You know who I am. You know, when I took it, you know, I didn't bring it back.
Starting point is 00:22:03 Okay. You have my credit card. That's going to link you to where the fuck I live. And that's it. It's over. I got, I got to give you the bike back. Why do you want my fucking credit on my phone number? Fucking cunts.
Starting point is 00:22:16 They just can't make it. It's not enough. They're making money off the bike. Now they got to get one more piece of information out of you. So then they can then stockpile all those numbers with your credit card information and then sell them to the fucking telemarketers. So I said, you know what? Fuck you bicycle.
Starting point is 00:22:32 I'm not bicycle company. I'm not using it. So fuck them. I don't know if they do that in New York city, but I'm not renting a bike in Boston. Don't give them your phone number. You asshole. I wonder if I could have just made up one. I'm really big on misinformation, you know, when you can get away with it.
Starting point is 00:22:51 Always put out other information about yourself. Give yourself a chance. All right. Hulu plus everybody. You probably tried hulu.com. Now with Hulu plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hulu plus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet.
Starting point is 00:23:10 That's the amazing thing about this, everybody. This is really like watching TV in the future. Like even when I was a kid, I never even dreamed that you could do something like that. Just walk around watching TV everywhere. It's awesome. It streams in HD for the best viewing experience with Hulu plus. You can watch your favorite TV shows, current TV shows, excuse me, like Saturday Night Live, Community, Family Guy and Zillion Moors.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Or you can also watch some original programming that Hulu originals, I should say, like the awesome starring SNL Seth Meyers and Moon Boy starring Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids. Hulu plus also offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only $7.99 a month. You can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. This is the future people. This is how you watch TV right now. You can try Hulu plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com slash bill all in caps, B-I-L-L, all in caps, right?
Starting point is 00:24:05 That's a special offer from my listeners. Make sure you use huluplus.com slash bill so you can get an extended free trial. And they'll know that we sent you. Go to huluplus.com slash bill or click on the Hulu plus banner on the podcast page on billbird.com. Alrighty. Back to the full-con podcast. European trip is coming up, everybody. Rumor has it.
Starting point is 00:24:31 Rumor has it. My agent was talking to me. I think we're going to add not a second but a third show in London. And for all you people who've been sending me emails from Manchester, England, don't worry. I don't have time this time to do it in the schedule because I have to. I think I go to Scotland the next day. But without a doubt, I promise you when it comes through next year, I'm going to do a show in Manchester. I just, you know, it's a fucking zillion miles.
Starting point is 00:24:59 It's an ocean away. I didn't know how I was going to sell tickets. So you always go to the major cities. And I've just gotten a bunch of people saying, calling me a cunt, telling me to come to Manchester. And, you know, that's all I need to hear. That's all I need to hear. A little bit of interest, a little bit of insults. And I'm like, I like these guys.
Starting point is 00:25:18 I'm going to go fucking head up there. Now, forgive me for being stupid here, but Manchester, is that where Man United is from? It's got to be, right? That's crazy to me. You would think that the most successful Premier League team would be in London. Doesn't that make sense rather than being in the Worcester of England? I'm really fucking on two levels stepping on landmine here. I'm talking sports when I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
Starting point is 00:25:50 And I'm shitting on cities and I have no idea. Jesus, Manchester, is that one of those train spotting towns where I'm going to go there and get fucking head butted and have my ear bit off? I really don't want to deal with that. That's why I feel safe in London. I just feel like it's a bunch of people skipping around drinking tea. And I'm not going to get beat down, you know? That's not on my agenda.
Starting point is 00:26:12 Taking a soccer hooligan fucking beat down. I tell you, a long time ago, I read that book Among the Thugs and I'm sure it was exaggerated. Or even worse, maybe it wasn't. Maybe they toned it down. But yeah, that was enough for me. That was enough for me. Alright, anyways, I'm just fucking with you guys. Well, definitely, you know, the more cities I can add when I go over there,
Starting point is 00:26:41 the more shit I can see, the more people I can reach. Each time I go over to Europe, I'm just going to keep adding countries and cities and that type of thing. That's the game plan and I'm sticking to it. Oh, by the way, you guys all talked me out of going to Naples. Jesus Christ. I might as well said I was going to fucking Dayton, Ohio. I've never heard a city get trashed, trashed. Fucking voices cracking here.
Starting point is 00:27:06 The way Naples did. Okay, enough said. Enough said. I got it. I got it. So I think I'm going to stay in Rome and then kind of, I think Florence got some good reviews. Venice got some good reviews. And I'm going to say, Venice is fucking dirty water.
Starting point is 00:27:21 I got to go somewhere. Hey, does anybody know a good book on Mussolini can recommend a good one? I've just read so much shit about that guy. He reminds me of Paul Verzi. You know, they both have a shaved head. They both think they see things and they both predict shit and they prepare for victory and then they lose. That's it. Benito Verzi, Paul Mussolini.
Starting point is 00:27:52 I told you that thing when he fucking, he was either invading someplace in northern Africa or he was going to Greece. And Hitler told him, don't do that shit. All right. And Mussolini's like, I don't worry. We got this. It's all good. He goes out and he buys a white horse to ride through town. Getting ready for the victory party and then they lost.
Starting point is 00:28:18 He's got that big, dumb horse. He's got nothing to do. What do you do? He's all ready to do. It's going to be a bloodbath. I got it. So I want to read more about this guy. He sounds like quite the character.
Starting point is 00:28:32 Think of characters. There's a fucking hilarious, hilarious video. Only because it's all, it seems like they're just everybody's drunk and lethargic. The name of the video is jet fan punches female Patriots fan in the face after their victory. Congratulations to the green cunts, by the way. That is your Super Bowl. And you know it is. You're not winning it again this year.
Starting point is 00:28:59 You're coming up on your 50th anniversary of not winning a Super Bowl like your golden anniversary. And they said it wouldn't last. Congratulations. When you guys don't win it this year, this is me just pissed because you guys won. You know, you guys jumping around like you did something yesterday. You wait till we come back healthy, you fucks. And that was an excuse. And you know what?
Starting point is 00:29:26 When you're losing the number one fucking defensive player on all levels. Vince Wilfork, fucking Mayo, and Akib Taleb. I got to tell you, Geno Smith, dude, that fucking guy. He better get a nickname. You dumb New Yorkers after you fucking said, sanshize. Can you give one to Geno? You know what? Don't jinx the guy because that guy looks like he's the real deal, man.
Starting point is 00:29:48 I really like that guy. He's a quarterback, man. And I don't give a fuck, man. Patriots aren't winning shit this year anyways. You know, I don't mean that in a bad way, but I'm a realist. Okay, I'm still enjoying the season. Fucking cunts. Anyway, so it's at the end of the game.
Starting point is 00:30:04 And so the name of the video is like basically male jet fan punches female Patriots fan in face. What it really should have said was male jet fan punches female Patriots fan in the face after female Patriots fan was punching him in the face. For some reason, you know, because you're not supposed to hit a woman in the face, whenever they show these videos, they either cut out that part of the video or they show it. And the people on TV never commentate on the fact that the woman was punching this guy in the face. Dude, you got to see this jets fan. It's fucking hilarious. He's so shitfaced and like lethargic.
Starting point is 00:30:44 That's the thing because everything is just sort of like in slow motion roundhouse. And he takes a lot of punishment, but he never, he never loses focus. I call him the big unflappable. If you watch him, you know, Tim Duncan is the big fundamental. This drunk jet fan was the big unflappable. And I got to tell you that female pass fan, she took that punch like a champ popped right back up. I don't know what was going on, but that jet fan, I don't know if he did something. It starts right at the beginning of the video.
Starting point is 00:31:17 And he does something and then it looks like two ladies and some fat guy in a blue shirt are kind of swinging on him. And he's just like in slow motion, like just punching people in the face. And I don't know, he obviously shouldn't have done it and deserves to be punished. But this is something I think that I've asked before of female fans on this podcast. If I have any, how do you feel about that? Obviously you should never punch a woman in the face, but no, you don't fuck this. Let me ask a better question. Any women who listen to this podcast, have you ever just gotten mad at a guy in a bar and just started punching him in the face?
Starting point is 00:31:59 And when you're doing that or punching him in the head, when you're doing that, is there any fear that the guy is going to hit you back? Are you, are you literally thinking like, well, you can't hit, I'm a lady, you can't hit me. I'm in the safety zone, or are you just simply so mad you lost your shit and you're just throwing punches? Because, like I said, I don't think that that jet fan should have done what he did. What he should have done, what a gentleman does when a woman is punching him in the face, is you go with, you go with a front kick at like 30% speed. If you go with a front kick, 30% power, that's what you do. It's sort, it's not quite a kick, it's sort of just pushing her off you, you know, you just sort of, you just, you know, kind of give one of those. Keeps her at bay, leg is longer than the arm, you know, but then there's that thing where you've got to do it fast enough,
Starting point is 00:32:55 because the second you do it, you know, some guys are going to come in and totally overreact, because you actually made physical contact with this human being that does not have a penis, has a vagina, yet is throwing punches at you. It's really, it's a really weird dynamic, but I got to tell you, the big unflappable, he did alright. He's got it, he's got to wear a jet's jersey, he's got some, you guys got to pull some money together after you bail him out, you got to get him a jet's jersey, and on the back, he got to have the big unflappable. Um, I don't know, someone's probably going to get mad at me. There is no excuse done whatsoever, I'm not saying there is, but I just, I don't know, I find that, that, that dynamic is interesting. I don't know, I heard a great guy fucking bum the other day, just walking down the street, just the way he was begging was great.
Starting point is 00:33:55 He had some sort of musical background, and you went, you walked by him, he had this great voice, and you just go, change, change, change, change, change, I can't even do it the way he did it. Put a smile on your face, he just went right down the scale. I didn't have any money, I only had fucking ATM money, you know, so you got like a couple of 20s in your pocket, and it's like alright, I want to help you, but dude, I'm not trying to help you, you know, trying to get you a sandwich, I'm not trying to fucking buy you, you know, I don't know, what can you get with 20, 20 bucks is a bit much. Have you ever given a homeless guy like five bucks or 10 bucks, and they react the same way as if you gave him a quarter, and you kind of get mad, kind of a Jason Alexander moment where you wanted to get credit,
Starting point is 00:34:41 but then you also think like, well, you know, if I don't have a house or an apartment, you know, getting five dollars really is not a major step in that direction, it's just, maybe I can get the egg and Swiss, you know, the ham and egg, I can get a ham, egg and cheese as opposed to an egg and cheese, and then I'm going to eat that, and then in 90 minutes I'm going to be fucking hungry again. So I kind of get it, but it's also kind of annoying, change, change, change, change, change, change. So anyways, World Series starts tomorrow night if you want to jump on my bandwagon. I have the shiniest bandwagon, the newest and shiniest bandwagon in town. Oh, dude, I got no fucking argument with someone.
Starting point is 00:35:27 Really, Bill? What a surprise. Don't come at me with that attitude, all right? I got this big argument with somebody the other day, they were telling me all about Los Angeles, talking about fake tits and all that type of thing was making, you know, and nose jobs, and you know, I went out to LA, everybody's so plastic and fake out there, it's just like, you're a fucking moron. Yeah, and everybody back here just tells the truth, right? Is that what you're telling me? Fucking blows my mind. It just really does, and I was just like, you know what kills me? Guys, I've lived out there for six years and I'm like, look, I know when you first get there, I know what you do. You go down fucking sunset strip, you go down Hollywood Boulevard, yeah, and that's what you see.
Starting point is 00:36:17 Okay, you're telling me when you go to the fucking Meatpacking District in New York City, it's not a bunch of plastic, phony fucking Paris Hilton types or whatever the fuck the new one is of that ilk. Yeah, you go to the fucking club scene with the beautiful people, it's always going to be a bunch of phony people. But I gotta tell you, I don't think the plastic surgery is that bad in LA. And I know all you guys are like, oh my god. And what do you even react into? Have you fucking, this guy, I've lived out there for fucking six years and I'm telling him, dude, it's really not like that. There's a lot of really talented good people out there.
Starting point is 00:36:56 Yeah, yeah, what the fuck do I know? I just live out there. You've been out there six days, I've been out there six years. What the fuck would I know? Please, by all means, you tell me about what, you know, I'm somehow missing. I have got to be honest with you, if you really want to see plastic surgery that's out of control, these are my top three places. And then there's my wildcard pick. I would say Orange County, California, Dallas, Texas, and Miami Beach, Florida. Unbelievable. And then my wildcard, the impossible dream might be, I would say, Phoenix, Arizona with the fake tits. But even then, I think fake tits are out, you know, like rollerblades. They're like a 90s thing. At the very least, they don't have them like, you remember those ones they had in the 90s?
Starting point is 00:37:53 Oh, Jesus Christ, those fucking Clint Eastwood vein on the side of them. Yeah, women fortunately stopped doing that. There's never been a pair of fake boobs that looks better than the real thing than whatever the original real boobs just look way better, regardless of size, way better. You know what I mean? I don't know. I guess when you have a shirt on, nobody can tell, but I don't know the fuck that's just weird. That's that's fucking insane to take a plastic bag of chemicals and stick that in you rather than keeping your beautiful normal ones. I'm pro boobs. Look at me talking nicely about boobs here in October. Oh, by the way, I called it with the pink scam. It's finally fucking coming out. You guys seeing all these articles.
Starting point is 00:38:48 This is all that pink shit, all that brazen wearing it. You can't you? Oh, my God, tired of that stuff. How can you make fun of it? Everybody coming down on me. You think I'm the bad guy? I'm wearing the black hat and fucking October. I got a link for you guys to check out that I swear to God a hundred people have tweeted to me, so it's not my find. I'm not going to take credit for it, but this is how it works with that pink shit. It's basically whatever they sell. Say they sell a pink football jersey, NFL jersey, you buy a Tony Romo pinky, right? Kami Pinko fucking jersey, right?
Starting point is 00:39:26 Basically like 10% of the wholesale, not the retail price on the jersey. Now what you pay the 80 hundred bucks, whatever the fuck it is, the wholesale, which is probably we'll say 35 bucks. Maybe what does it cost them after the kid in the sweatshop makes the fucking thing? I don't know. We'll just say 35 bucks. So 10% of that. So it's a hundred dollar jersey retail for you. 10% of the wholesale 35 bucks. That's like they donate $3.50 and then they pocket the other $96.50. And then it goes over to the Kami Pinkos there, right?
Starting point is 00:40:05 They take that $3.50. Now they have their entire infrastructure on all the people that are making money trying to raise awareness like that's their job. That's how they pay their rent. That's how they get themselves a yacht. That $3.50 has to be thrown into the stockpile to pay all those people for their pink cubicles and their pink staplers and all of that shit. And by the end of it, I don't know what you have left. So there you go. There you go. It's just one big sea of shit.
Starting point is 00:40:43 I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. I really don't. It's one of the dumbest things I've ever seen in my life. I think people are aware of it and I just find it to be this weird thing where you have to be that aware of it. It's more important than, it's like they're jockeying for positions in this disease march madness. They're running up the score so they can get the number one seed so they can play a 16 rather than being like a five and playing a 12. I don't know how to do a fucking math on that. Let's get into the fucking letters. The letters for the week. I need a man's advice.
Starting point is 00:41:28 Well, what the fuck are you emailing me for? Long time fan, recent subscriber to the podcast. I had no idea. I'm sorry. Well, I never promoted. You know, dude, why would you know about my fucking podcast? Isn't there like nine zillion things on the, you know, give yourself a break. There's a zillion things on the internet. There's free porn on the internet. The very fact that you even listen to two seconds of this is an unbelievable compliment.
Starting point is 00:41:55 Anyways, he said, I'm recent subscriber, but I've obsessively caught up and listened to like five months of Monday morning podcast. Breaking Bad, Date Night, Chappelle Show, All Your Standups, All Your Recent Man, Hometown Minneapolis. Not a huge football fan. What are we getting to here? All right. Well, thank you for, oh, there was an arrow said start here. Thank you for all those compliments, sir. All right. He says, hope you can see the arrow down. Emoji. I love emojis. Also tipsy for courage to write this. I don't know what the fuck that means.
Starting point is 00:42:32 He's spelling shit wrong. Anyways, he said, I've been manifesting, manifesting feelings for one of my best guy friends of 15 years now. I'm 30 years old and it seems like a no brainer. Oh, this guy's drunk. Braining. Oh, this woman's drunk. Whoever the fuck this is. I'm 30 years old and it seems like a no braining that as friends, we make the go at seeing if it could be more. Oh, Jesus, let me see if I can fucking get through this. This is like an English person or something who's drunk.
Starting point is 00:43:07 I feel like what's holding me back are, I'm not 100% physically attracted to him. I'm worried if it doesn't be, if I'm, I'm worried if it doesn't work out. I risked the chance of losing a great friend after a night of hanging out and drinking. I texted him. So why have we never messed around in our adult life to which he responded? Great question. I'm not sure. Jesus. To which I said, you're what, you're epilepsy.
Starting point is 00:43:39 E-L-L-I-P-S-I-S. That's not epilepsy. Your ellipsis indicates an admission of words. You know, people, you know, I'm fucking dumb. Don't use this. What the fuck is that ellipsis? What? I got to look this up. Ellipsis.
Starting point is 00:44:02 You know, a lot of people laughing, but a lot of people also want to hear the definition. Ellipsis is a series of dots that usually indicate an intentional admission of words, sentence or whole sections. Jesus Christ. Okay. All right. My world, that's dot, dot, dot. I thought that said epilepsy.
Starting point is 00:44:22 You know what it is? I start reading a word and when I can't, I don't know what it is. I panic like Mayor Monino and I just throw out a fucking word. Great question. He said, I'm not sure. Dot, dot, dot. At this point, I said your ellipsis indicates an admission of words. Dot, dot, dot.
Starting point is 00:44:39 All right. You know what? Right there. I'm not fucking you. I'm assuming this is a woman at this point. Yeah. Anybody uses the word. Not even that they use the word ellipsis.
Starting point is 00:44:54 I can. I shouldn't own up to my own stupidity or epilepsy indicates an admission of words. Right there. You're already putting him on the defensive. You know, you're already fucking like mind fucking him. Anyways, he said hoping to get him to make the text move. He hasn't. Oh, you thought that if you wrote, I'm just gonna keep saying dot, dot, dot, because
Starting point is 00:45:22 I'm paranoid. Everybody's laughing because I'm saying it wrong. Your dot, dot, dot indicates an admission of words. Dot, dot, dot. He's hoping to get him to make the next move dot, dot, dot. He hasn't. So is it on me to make the next move? Is is the risk of running the relationship ruining the relationship not worth it?
Starting point is 00:45:41 Is it even worthy of your podcast? What do I do? The person says, I feel like regardless of if you read this or not, this is where I say thanks and go fuck yourself. All right. Well, look, if you actually seriously want to explore a relationship with somebody, it's probably not a good idea to start the relationship after a night of drinking with texting. I would think I think that's a that's a sober move.
Starting point is 00:46:13 Now, if you just want to fuck the dude, then yeah, drunk texting is great, but I would leave out the big words in case he's a dummy like me. I don't know. What is the next move? Well, if you want to pursue it, I would bring up the text. I said, sorry, you know, I was a little drunk when I texted you, but I was, you know, you know what? Don't do this.
Starting point is 00:46:39 This whole thing is set up wrong. You just wrote, why have we never messed around in our adult life? I would say, how come you've never taken me to a movie? You've basically the relationship you're setting up here is a fuck buddy. So if that's what you want, I would say full steam ahead. If that isn't what you want, I don't know how to finesse around the drunk texts that you sent. So why have we never messed around in our adult life? Great question.
Starting point is 00:47:11 I'm not sure. Your ellipsis, I'm saying that right, indicates an admission of words. Who would have fucked whatever text at this? The guy's already drunk. He probably looked at it. He probably fucking held the phone up to his drunk roommate. What does that say? Huh?
Starting point is 00:47:33 Why is he talking about epilepsy? I don't know what to tell you, ma'am. But if you want to hook up with them, it's there. It's there. Come on, you're a female. Jesus Christ, how hard can it be? You're putting it out there like that? You're all set.
Starting point is 00:47:49 As far as there being a love connection, I don't see it. I would do something different. Go fucking take a cooking class together. You got to do some, I'm taking you seriously type of stuff. I don't know. You're not that physically attracted to the guy? You're drunk texting him. You know what?
Starting point is 00:48:12 You need some half-time adjustments. That's what I would do. You're better than this. You can't go hook up with a guy that you're attracted to. Don't settle for less, sweetheart. You need to sober up like me. You need to get out of the fog. I'm doing it this week.
Starting point is 00:48:28 You do it too. Go hang out with some different people. Go find a good-looking chap that you're attracted to. Go fucking have a cup of tea with them or some shit. Whatever you do. I'm guessing you're from somewhere else, because some of the expressions beyond that word I couldn't read that I've never heard.
Starting point is 00:48:50 Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't know. Anyways, that gave me a headache. All right. Advice dealing with racist family. Bill, I'm a big fan and I need advice about a problem you may have experienced. My girlfriend is a different race than me,
Starting point is 00:49:06 and my family is reacting in a racist way about it. I didn't have that problem. Thank God. The problem is I am very close to my family. I usually talk to them. Yeah, of course you are. I usually talk to my parents once a day, so this means I have to deal with their crap on a daily basis.
Starting point is 00:49:23 I love your grandmother comes to town bit, and that's similar to the kind of bullshit that I'm dealing with on a daily basis. Here's the backstory. My family is Jewish, but not religious. My parents are from Russia and are old school white. As far as they can see it, as far as they see it, racism is just the way it is,
Starting point is 00:49:42 and there is no shame in telling it like it is by making ignorant statements. My folks told me exact words that they want my girlfriend to be Jewish, but they, what? My folks told me exact words that they want my girlfriends to be Jewish, but that they would settle for someone white.
Starting point is 00:50:07 Did you leave something out there, sir? That doesn't make sense to me. So my girlfriend is Lebanese slash Mexican. Oh, wait, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Oh, your family is Jewish. All right, now I get it, sorry. I'm so fucking dumb this week. My folks told me that they want my girlfriends to be Jewish,
Starting point is 00:50:27 but they would settle for someone white. My girlfriend is Lebanese slash Mexican. Ever since I mentioned her to my parents, they've been making all kinds of racist comments about her. They hate us, or why can't you date normal people? Oh, Jesus. And there will be problems. You'll see.
Starting point is 00:50:47 So I'm stuck. I can't dump my girlfriend because I love her. And two, we have a great relationship. And three, dumping her just because of racist bullshit would make me a hypocrite. But I can't cut off my parents because I love them too. And they have otherwise been wonderful in support of all my life. I've tried explaining that my girlfriend is not a problem
Starting point is 00:51:05 and that she won't change my relationship with them. But my folks keep repeating the same racist bullshit. Any advice for dealing with my folks would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and looking forward to seeing you the next time you're in New York City. All right, well, dude, you got to live your life. You got to do what's right for you. And, you know, hopefully your parents will come around. But here's the deal, dude.
Starting point is 00:51:29 You're going to outlive your parents. So they're going to be long gone. And if you do everything that they want you to do, then when they're gone, you're living the life they wanted you to live rather than the life that you wanted to live. Now, if what they want you to do and what you want to do overlap, then fucking by all means, full steam ahead. But if you really love this girl, then I would stay with that.
Starting point is 00:51:54 All right? You know, what are you going to do? What the fuck are you going to do? Fuck people. You know, fuck what they think. A bunch of fucking mouth-breathing morons. Why would you even listen to me? Look at me.
Starting point is 00:52:09 I'm a moron. But I'm not a moron when it comes to that shit. Fuck people. Live your life and let them deal with it. Jesus. Fucking relationships are hard enough. You don't need that shit. Tell your parents to grow up.
Starting point is 00:52:24 All right. Girlfriend sleeping over. All right. Hey, Bill. I'm 26 and my girlfriend of about three months has been staying at my house four to six nights a week. Jesus Christ. This started about the second week we were dating when I asked her to stay over.
Starting point is 00:52:38 I only meant for that night. I gave it time to get used to someone being in my bed. It's killing me. She lives with her dad and I understand why she would rather stay with me. She only has a toothbrush in my house, so it's not like we moved in together, but I have never lived with a girlfriend before. I feel like the relationship moved too fast. The worst part is I have to get up for work at about 6 a.m.
Starting point is 00:53:00 and feel like I have to tiptoe around so I don't wake her and get dressed, and I have to get dressed in the dark. I'm also tired in the day from lack of sleep. I've dropped subtle hints when she hasn't spent the night like I slept so good last night. That's fucking hilarious. I also started to be loud in the morning and turning on a lamp. I think she got the hint, but nothing has changed.
Starting point is 00:53:26 I asked my roommates and his girlfriend for advice, but it seemed kind of blunt. My roommate's girlfriend is in college, so his girlfriend is only there on the weekends, and he misses her not being there, so he thinks I'm being a bitch. I don't want to break up with her. Just find a nice way of saying go the fuck home, or I'll see you tomorrow.
Starting point is 00:53:47 Thanks for the advice. By the way, does everyone say go fuck yourself at the end, or do you add that? Yeah, no, people say go fuck yourself. Yeah, this is the deal. You sound like you're a younger person, and yeah, it's one of the hardest things you have to learn, is how to say what you're saying,
Starting point is 00:54:03 or say what you're feeling, knowing that the other person doesn't want to hear it, but you say it in a healthy way. So I would just say... Jesus Christ. Just say, listen, we've got to talk about something. And she'll say what, and it's just like, listen, I love when you're over here,
Starting point is 00:54:22 I love spending time with you, but four to six nights a week, it's affecting my sleep and my job, and that type of thing, so I'd like to have it be more than like two nights a week. It just kind of moved a little too fast for me. But you're like, what are you saying? What are you saying?
Starting point is 00:54:42 And you just say, no, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying I don't like you. I'm just saying it moved too quickly, and this is on me. I didn't want to hurt your feelings, and I didn't know how to convey it. I know I'm 26, but this is an area in my life that I need to work on, so I'm trying to get better at this.
Starting point is 00:55:01 I'm just trying to communicate with you what would make me happy so we can be happy. And then, you know, if she wants to pout and be like, what if you don't have me over here? I just won't be over here. And then, you know, what the fuck are you going to do? You've only seen her for three months. If she's going to act like a fucking baby, then let her.
Starting point is 00:55:20 But you mentioned that she lives with her dad, and you understand why she would rather stay with me. So is that guy a dick? So if that guy is a dick, then like, she's like a stray cat, and you gave her some milk, and now she's at your door every fucking day. That doesn't mean she likes you. That's not a fucking healthy reason for her
Starting point is 00:55:38 to be over there four to six times a week. She's over there four to six times a week because she loves you, that's one thing. But if she's over there four to six times a week because her dad's a fucking asshole, then she's just kind of being codependent. But that's a whole other can of worms. And don't bring up that part.
Starting point is 00:55:57 Do not bring up her dad, by the way, on any fucking level when you tell her. Just say, listen, this moved really quickly and all the bullshit that I just said. Just say it that way, and if she's going to cry, then like Hootie and the Blowfish said a long time ago, let her cry. All right?
Starting point is 00:56:18 Just let her fucking cry, and you know, that's what they do. When they get upset, they cry. So it doesn't mean you're a bad guy. Just understand that she's crying because you conveyed what's going to make you happy. Can you imagine if you did that? If the shoe was on the other foot
Starting point is 00:56:42 and she was just saying, listen, you watch an ESPN, you watch SportsCenter like three times in a row, it's the exact same show. Can't you just watch it once? How many times do you have to look at these highlights? What do you think she would do if your bottom lip started quivering and you started crying and then tried to put the entire relationship on
Starting point is 00:57:03 that one little thing? You know? Do you think she'd have any fucking guilt? I don't think she would, so neither should you. Granted, watching ESPN three times in a row and actually saying, hey, could you not stay over here as much as, you know, they're not on the same level, but you know what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:57:20 So good luck to you, sir. Just write down on a piece of paper. That's what I used to do because I wasn't good at it. I just wrote it down on a piece of paper, something that I wanted to say, and I would draw a smiley face above it, so I would remember not to say it in an angry fucking way. I know that sounds stupid, but it worked for me.
Starting point is 00:57:35 So good luck to you, sir. All right. Two guys and a lady. Two guys and a girl. All right. Hey there, brother man, Bill. Love your show. My wife loves you stand up
Starting point is 00:57:48 ever since I showed her, let it go. I've got a situation on my hands here that I would love to hear your input. I had a falling out with one of my closest friends about six years ago. It was all because of a girl that he said he was, that he said was his first love and apparently lost his virginity with.
Starting point is 00:58:06 The girl and I hit it off, and I, so we started going out. We didn't want to hurt his feelings since we were all best friends, but after he found out, he wanted nothing to do with us, which is understandable. There's nothing worse than somebody
Starting point is 00:58:21 banging somebody used to be in love with, right, and then they come to you in a mature way. It's the last thing you want. You want them to sneak around so you could be like, how dare you? I thought you were friends. Well, they actually kind of listen, this is just something that we wanted to talk to,
Starting point is 00:58:35 talk to you about because we value our friendship with you the same way we value the feeling that we both, and they're just being mature, so you have to fucking sit there and not call them cunts. That's the worst. All right, plowing ahead.
Starting point is 00:58:49 As a relationship grew, she told me that she never was intimate with him, and that he didn't even know... Wait, as the relationship grew, she told me that she was never intimate with him, and that he didn't even know he liked her that way. Oh, and that she didn't. He left that out there.
Starting point is 00:59:06 That she didn't even know that he liked her that way. Fast forward to present day. I'm married to the same girl and have two dogs, and in the process of buying our first home together. Out of the blue. Out of the fucking blue. My friend contacts me via Facebook and keeps asking me to go out with him.
Starting point is 00:59:25 When I say that my wife wants to tag along too, he keeps repeating the phrase, we got to talk, man. Man to man before we can start anew. I just got all fucking turned around in there. What the fuck just happened? All right, the wife loves it. Your relationship grew.
Starting point is 00:59:45 Dude, you fucked up a pronoun in there, and that just threw me right over the cliff. As a relationship grew, she told me she never wanted to be, she was never intimate with them. Now, wait a minute. This guy said he lost his virginity to her? Jesus Christ.
Starting point is 01:00:00 It's like a soap opera. So you married the girl, you got two dogs, you're in the process of buying first. Out of the blue, my friend contacts me via Facebook and keeps asking me to go out with him. Oh, to have a drink.
Starting point is 01:00:10 All right. When I say that my wife wants to tag along too, he keeps repeating the phrase, we got to talk man to man before we start anew. Should I go? Um... Uh, no. No.
Starting point is 01:00:31 No, you shouldn't. You shouldn't because... because he's fucking weirdo. He sounds like he still has a lock of her hair someplace. Gotta start man to man. Give me a fee still fucking... Wait a second. Why does he want to hang out with you?
Starting point is 01:00:51 If he could walk away that easily, how good of friends were you? You know, if you guys just watch games together because you work together, you went to school for a couple of years together, I mean, I think it's a fucking wrap. Sounds like you got a great thing with your wife. Why do you want to bring this guy over?
Starting point is 01:01:09 And then what? Then what? He wants to see what she looks like? That's weird dude. That's that single white female shit. Should you go? No, I wouldn't go. Fuck him.
Starting point is 01:01:19 Alright? This is the deal. You want to hang out with us? We're a couple. See us that way. Other than that, you know, I can't fucking help you. Does that make sense?
Starting point is 01:01:31 Yeah, fuck that. I wouldn't go. Stay there with your wife. Alright, three-way relationship. Sir Billiam of Orange. I like that one. It's very... I feel like I just got knighted
Starting point is 01:01:45 with a fucking creamsicle. Thanks for the podcast, man. I'll try to keep this short. So, my girlfriend and I... Ah, fuck, you know what? I forgot to read the other advertising there. Hold on a second. Let me fucking read this real quick.
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Starting point is 01:04:15 All right, back to the final letter of the podcast here. Hey, how about those Bruins going down to Florida, showing those two teams down there, how the games play, three-way relationships. Sir Billiam of Orange, thanks for the podcast, man.
Starting point is 01:04:31 I'll try to keep this short. I'll try to keep this short for a few years. Things aren't great, but they aren't horrible either. Recently, we started hanging out more with her best friend. Whenever we hang out, it's always a great time. Her friend has been in a bit of a relationship
Starting point is 01:04:47 dry spell lately, and recently, my girlfriend told me that they've been discussing the possibility of us starting a three-way relationship. All right. Okay, I don't need to read anymore. Do it. Oh, wait. He says,
Starting point is 01:05:03 my girlfriend and I have already gone down this road before with minimal complications, but that was primarily a sex-only relationship, whereas this new one would probably be more serious. What are you, a fucking jack-tripper? How would it be more serious?
Starting point is 01:05:19 Are you going to live with the two of them? That was a 3's company reference for anybody under the age of 50. The problem is, I'd really like to date the friend. I think that we could make this trio work, but I could see myself liking the friend more than my current girlfriend
Starting point is 01:05:35 and fucking the whole thing up for everyone. I also think that breaking up with my girlfriend after four years, just to date her best friend is a cut move, and therefore is off the table. Finally, this fucking the fucking question, sorry. So should I encourage this three-way?
Starting point is 01:05:51 As it's the only way I'll ever get to date the friend, which seems quite cunty, or should I just break up with the girlfriend, and get about the whole thing, and move west to start fresh? Thanks again, and go fuck yourself. P.S., come do a gig in Maine before you get
Starting point is 01:06:07 too big for your freckles. And only do stadium gigs. First of all, sir, you are a fucking hero, and you are living a life life right now that most men only fantasize about, myself included. That's fucking tremendous. That is a tremendous situation to have yourself in.
Starting point is 01:06:25 You know what I say? I say you fucking both. Then you dump her, and then you fucking, you move west and start afresh. That's what you do. And that's not a dirty move, okay? Because what your girlfriend is doing, alright, she's into women, she's into both, but you're not gonna marry this woman,
Starting point is 01:06:41 alright? This girl, she's rogue, she's a renegade, she's gonna get a pilot's license, fly around the fucking world. This is Amelia Earhart, man, you don't tie this woman down. Alright, fuck that. You're not gonna marry her, you know you're not, but you want to fuck a friend.
Starting point is 01:06:57 Alright? So why don't you just do it? I say you fucking both. Alright, it's not a cunt move. They brought it up. You don't think your girlfriend's being selfish here? She's not, she's sitting there risking her friendship
Starting point is 01:07:15 with her girlfriend to drag you into the fold. The whole thing's, there's no fucking relationship here, sir. You're a fuck stick. And by all means, let them use you as such. Get yourself some condoms. Have a great time. I'd have my suitcase packed right outside the fucking bedroom door.
Starting point is 01:07:31 Alright? Then do the porky pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's all folks and you're fucking out of there. God bless you. God bless you, but that's Jesus Christ. People shit on Maine. People make fun of that state. That's considered a problem in Maine, everybody.
Starting point is 01:07:47 It's God's country up there. Blue potatoes, fresh air. Fucking threesomes. They gotta do something to stay warm. Alright, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you have a wonderful
Starting point is 01:08:03 week. I'm gonna fucking, I don't know, go get myself some green juice or something. I'm laying off the stoves. I'm laying off the booze. It's feast or famine with me. Alright? I'm done with this shit. Uh,
Starting point is 01:08:19 somehow still in great shape though. I don't know what happened. It's probably the liquid diet there. Alright, here's a wrap up, everybody. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Cannot stress that enough, people. This is TV watching for the future. Okay, Hulu Plus lets you binge
Starting point is 01:08:35 on thousands of hit TV shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast, dammit, and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com
Starting point is 01:08:51 huluplus.com, excuse me, slash bill. That's huluplus.com slash bill. Um, alright. So, I got some great gigs coming up. Um, and I'm playing three legendary theaters.
Starting point is 01:09:07 I'm gonna be at Constitution Hall, DAR, Constitution Hall, right down the street from the Federal Reserve, everybody. You know? I want to take pictures and sell DVDs in front of the Federal Reserve after my show. I know I won't be able to. Alright?
Starting point is 01:09:23 And judging by the Greenpeace 30, I don't feel like getting arrested for any sort of fucking terrorism or whatever. But, um, let me get to my podcast page here so I can get you the dates on these. These are three awesome just gonna be legendary nights for myself.
Starting point is 01:09:39 Uh, here we go, here we go. Alright, on the November 7th, DAR Constitution Hall in Washington, D.C. And here's the deal with that one, everybody. That one is, uh, that's where Eddie Murphy taped Delirious.
Starting point is 01:09:55 Alright? Enough said. Um, I did that. I've performed there one other time, but I was there with Jim Norton, Jim Brewer, and David Tell on the anti-social network tour. It was awesome. And I was really hoping when I came out there, they'd have that electric blue carpet.
Starting point is 01:10:11 For some reason, I feel like Eddie had the blue carpet. Um, but I think it was just a stage, and it was it was awesome. So, I thought I'd never get to go there again. Um, so the fact that I'm gonna be there, it's gonna be an extra special show,
Starting point is 01:10:27 and uh, really looking forward to it. And then on the 8th, I'm doing the Beacon, two shows at the Beacon Theater. Um, and then on the 9th, I'm doing two shows at the Tower Theater. Um, it's just, it's just gonna be awesome.
Starting point is 01:10:43 Beacon Theater, obviously, you know, all my brothers do that. The Beacon run every fucking year there. And I've done a number of benefits there. When I did The Night of Too Many Stars, when I did the Steve Jobs bit,
Starting point is 01:10:59 that's where I taped that one. So, um, it's amazing to be able to come back there and the people are buying that many tickets. So, I want to thank all you guys for that. And as always, dude, I called it Verzi, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi. Paul Benito Mussolini
Starting point is 01:11:15 Verzi will be opening for me. And it's just gonna be an awesome time. And I'm really looking forward to it. And I got this fearless whole new chunk of material coming. So, I'm beyond psyched to go out and, you know, work it out this weekend LA and have it ready to go in November.
Starting point is 01:11:31 Alright guys, that's the podcast. Uh, who's playing tonight? The G-Men. The Giants. Trying to not go 0 and 7. Dude, Paul Verzi is the greatest Giants fan of all time. He, no matter how, 0 and 1, 0 and 2, 0 and 3, 0 and 4.
Starting point is 01:11:47 I have to every fucking week. They're 0 and 4. Dude, I'm telling you right now, they're gonna finish 9 and 7. The Giants are gonna go 9. You heard of here first. They're going 9 and 3. The rest, he was saying last night I was hanging out with them. He was still talking positive. He says 0 and 6. He goes, they're gonna
Starting point is 01:12:03 win this game. I think he's gonna said that they're gonna finish 8 and 8. Alright? Fucking phenomenal fan. I gotta respect him for that. Other than that, I make fun of everything else he does. Alright, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you. B-Bot. B-Bot.

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