Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-12

Episode Date: October 23, 2012

Bill rambles Lance Armstrong, Patriots Jets, and Sweetness Day.

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And I know what you're thinking, Bill, why does it sound like you're inside of a fucking tin can? Well, I'll tell you why. I'm in fucking Australia. I just plugged my goddamn mixer into the fucking adapter and it just shorted it out. Alright, it's my fault. What was I thinking? Running such a gigantic podcast, such as the Monday morning podcast with a $99 mixer. And I did say gigantic podcast.

This is a big podcast, it's fucking big to me. Every week on iTunes, we're number 37. You like that? I'm the only podcaster who doesn't lie. All these cunts out there, every fucking one of them. Dude, I got like a million downloads. I'm number one, I'll go fuck yourself. You're number one in your ass.

I'm here to tell you that I am number 18 and I'm proud of it. So anyways, I don't have any headphones, I don't have a microphone. I'm recording this thing through GarageBand and this is how it's going to sound. Alright, and if you don't want to listen to it, just hit stop because it's not going to get any fucking better than this. Alright? You like how I'm kind of yelling at you because my mixer, because I bought a $99 mixer to run the 47th, top 47th podcast on the fucking iTunes? Alright, let's get right down to it. Lance Armstrong officially fucking stripped of all of his goddamn titles and Nike has the fucking balls.

The fucking balls to walk away from Lance. You didn't walk away from Tiger Woods. You know, after all the bullshit he was doing. So I guess if Lance just fucked around on his wife, you know, you still would have had a swish above his fucking left tit, you wouldn't have had a problem with it. Hey, Nike, where the fuck do you get off having any sort of moral stance about cheating or not cheating? You know, if you're taking a look at your company lately, you think Lance doesn't have the right to fucking go around handing out those Livestrong bracelets? Because you think he cheated? Well, what about you guys?

What about you, Nike? Just do it? What does that mean? Is that what you say to the children who sew your sneakers together and El Salvador? I don't want to sew in a jacket. Do it. Yeah. Where the fuck does Nike get?

I mean, you know what it is? I love that that's when Nike drops them and it gets to look like they don't tolerate cheating. It's all about money with those cunts. They don't give a flying fuck whether he cheated, whether he didn't cheat. All right. When it looked emphatically like this guy had been busted, they walk away like, well, that's not what we're about. If anybody out there can explain to me what fucking Nike is about other than money and standing on the heads of eight year olds. You know, if you can come up with something else, send me an email.

I because I, for one, would love to hear it. All right. I hope this isn't really, I hope this recording isn't as bad as it looks. Looks like I'm fucking blowing out your eardrums. I'm trying to get people a little handicapped here. I'm down under having a nice time down under. Jesus Christ, I fucking made it over here, everybody. 14 hour flight, you know, with no drugs.

I was thinking, you know, watching a couple of movies and then taking some drugs. And I actually, I worked it out. I got on the plane. I immediately fell asleep and I slept for maybe, I don't know, about six hours. And then I just watched movies. Well, what'd you watch, Bill? Well, I watched Caddyshack. Then I watched on the waterfront.

Then I watched National Lampoon's Vacation. Chevy's Chase, still fucking hilarious. And then I watched a BG's documentary, which got really fucking boring really quickly. And then all of a sudden we landed and that was it. So there you go. I know I watched something else in there. There was something else random that I started to watch. I started watching a couple of documentaries.

And I know what you think of Bill. Well, who the fuck would ever watch a goddamn documentary on the BG's? Well, you know, I had 14 hours to kill. All right, your judgmental cunt. And not to mention the BG's are from Australia. I figured maybe I'd see something in there that I could bring to my live shows. Or whatever. So we land. We land here at like 6 30 in the fucking morning.

We basically we left at 10 o'clock at night, Monday night. Flew for 14 hours. And by the time we got here, it was 6 30 Wednesday morning. You lose a day. You know, as an 18 hour fucking difference between LA and here. I don't know if this is interesting. I don't know if you can hear me, you know, I don't fucking know. But yes, and then it was weird because then we landed here.

And then I had to stay up. Until fucking about 9 30 at night. To try and get on the clock. And I don't know, took a couple of days. I kept bitching about being jet lag to the point. I think Dom Iro was going to slap me in the face. I think I had like 14 conversations with him about how I just I couldn't go to sleep. You know, in the lovely Mia.

You know, she's more of a hippie free spirit than I am, right? She just took sleeping pills the first night and was fine. And I'm all sitting here, you know, trying to be fucking Johnny natural. Bitching about what the fuck they do to your liver like I'm like, I'm some sort of a doctor. You know, so finally the third day here, I actually took some sleeping pills and I slept through the night and I felt great, you know, so there's one for the druggies. Hey, man, just take a sleep and kill me and it actually works. So anyways, I performed at this Sydney opera house downstairs in the basement.

It was a 400 seater and did three nights. Every show was packed and just great crowds. And it was a total this trip was a total success. And I'm definitely coming back here because not only did the people come out. It's just a great country. I don't have one fucking bad thing to say about Australia other than the fact that Sydney is expensive. Jesus Christ is his fucking place expensive. And I live in New York City and that place is expensive.

Okay, it's like I'm some sort of redheaded farm boy over here. Okay, you're not talking to fucking Huck Finn. You know, I'm not sitting here barefoot with the goddamn fishing pole over my shoulder. All right. Oh, I got one bad thing. One bad fucking thing. All right. Last night, we were coming back from watching these bats fly out of the park. They call them flying foxes.

I guess they're furry. It was night. It was nighttime and they're all, you know, hundreds of fucking bats flying out. It was awesome. And so we're hungry. And we were going to go to the Burger King out here, but they don't call it Burger King. They call it Hungry Jacks because evidently there was some other guy out here already had a place called Burger King and he sued the Burger King Corporation.

Somehow he won. So for some reason, Burger King settled on the name Hungry Jacks. I don't know why. I don't know why, but they have the exact same logo in the menu. So we go into Hungry Jacks. And as we're standing there, all of a sudden this guy in a tank top comes in with these two blonde girls. And one of them is just loud as fucking hell. Like I'm standing there and then she goes, it goes like, some crazy fucking laugh.

Like really close to my ear. Like, and I'm thinking, did she just do that to fuck with me or can she not handle her alcohol? And then I guess, you know, on their cell phones, you can get, they had some coupon for a free burger or something. So she goes, look, I got a coupon for a free burger. And then as she's, she fucking reached past my face and shook her cell phone in front of my fucking face. And I can't believe I didn't slap her fucking phone down into the friar layer. It's been bugging me. And when she went to order, she, she, she said to the guy behind the counter, she goes, just making cheese, just making cheese, just making cheese.

Like three times in a fucking row, just being a total obnoxious cunt. And I tried to not let her get to me, but I just kept replaying that thing. I was fucking shaking the phone in my face. She did it. She shook it right in my fucking face. I didn't do anything. I was so like surprised. And then there's, then there's that, that weird, like it's a woman.

So you got to do the math. Like what do I do? Like I'm telling you the amount of times today, the, the fucking violent thoughts. I kept trying to think of anything I could have said, anything I could have done. The only solution I could have thought of other than what I did, which was nothing was, they were all violent solutions. I thought about, well, what if I just took my shake and dumped it over her head? And the fantasy immediately went to me taking a burger and like mushing in her, in her face slash like punching her with the palm of my hand through the bread, which would be considered a salt. I thought about dragging her out by her fucking hair and then throwing her cell phone like fucking Randy Johnson in his heyday and having it smash right above her head.

And then just sitting watching her cry as I went back in and got my food and some and somehow in all of these, I never, never got arrested. But that was the only one bad thing. Like this girl was like so overdue for a fucking ass kicking. I really wish I just knew like, you know, those chicks who fight in the UFC. I just wish I knew one that was in the vicinity and could have just had her come in and dress like really like, you know, all girly, girly and just kind of act sheepish and just let that girl come up and do the obnoxious thing that shit that she was doing. Oh my God. I would have paid 500 bucks to have a woman not just if there was a service, I would have paid $500 to fucking watch a woman go in and just knock this bitch out because she just it would have made her a better person. It really would have.

Like today, I'm fucking sitting here, you know, doing touristy shit. I walked from, uh, with a Bondi Beach to Coogee Beach or whatever. Fucking incredible. They got all these, uh, they want to sand sculpt. I don't know what the fuck they call them. Sculptures and stuff. I can be honest with you. I could give a flying fuck about them.

You know, sculptures, you know what they do. They take like a garden hose and some PCP pipe or whatever the fuck it is. You know, they take junk from the kitchen and they, and they make like a fucking, I don't know what a rocket ship out of it. Yeah, I just, I've never been into it. It's clever, but you've seen one. You've seen them all. Nia on the other hand, absolutely fucking loves them. So she's stopping at every goddamn one of them.

It's windy as hell. I got salt spray in my face, but I'm like, I'm liking it though. I'm liking the, uh, the elements, but, um, but half of the walk, I just kept thinking of grabbing that girl last night by her hair and throwing her off the cliff. You know, she lives, but she breaks her fucking hip and she deserves it. You know, and when she looks at me like, why? Yeah, I just say, cause you're a cunt and that's the end of the fantasy. Is that bad?

Other than that, I had a great fucking time out here. And I'll tell you all about it right after, uh, I do a couple of little ads here. What do we got here? Uh, lending tree. Um, if you're, if you have a mortgage on your home and you haven't looked at refinancing, uh, you need to act now. Rates are at 3.125% APR, which is at an all time low. If you go to trialendingtree.com, complete an easy form that takes less than five minutes. You will have up to four lenders sending you options to review and compare.

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I went to the zoo. I went to the zoo and earlier that morning, one of the zookeepers, unfortunately, a lovely woman got crushed against the wall by a baby elephant or an adolescent one. You know, and everybody was feeling bad for her and we all hope that she gets better. But you know, it's one of those fucking deals. You, uh, they don't want to be there. That was the overwhelming vibe that I got. Well, especially the fucking chimpanzees and the gorillas. Okay.

You know what I would love? What I would absolutely love is to go to church someday and listen to some guy speaking that fucking creationism mumbo fucking jumbo. And in the background, just have a bunch of apes sitting in cages staring at people in the fucking crowd of the church because I'm going to tell you something right now. I don't give a fuck how much you're into Jesus, how much you're into Muhammad, whatever the fuck you're into. There's no way to look a fucking monkey in the eye and not know exactly where the hell we came from. There's just no way somewhere along the line, they broke left and we broke right, but I'm telling you, if you go up the family tree fucking long enough, look at my dumb face. You're telling me I'm not half orangutan. There's no fucking way.

There's no goddamn way. Those motherfuckers, they are just a cunt hair away from being human and they're aware that they're being watched. They don't want to be in there. You know, it's really bad. They had this giant area where they were playing and then they had this one area where they could kind of walk into like this little cave. You know, and they walk into the cave trying to get a little fucking peace and quiet. They just don't want to be stared at anymore. And there's a big window so we can see him in there and I see this one goes in there and I of course run up like the Taurus that I am.

And this motherfucker gets in there so that's going wha wha wha wha wha. He's fucking slapping the walls and jumping around. And I said to Neil like that one does not is is that's the one right there that's going to rip your face off because, you know, that dude's the man and he's caged up. Alright, you got a fucking alpha male there. Like he's not a bitch and he doesn't want to be in there and him just slapping the wall and whatever the fuck he just yelled in chimpanzee. If you translated it to English would basically be like you motherfuckers are so lucky that glass is there because if you weren't, I'd rip all your faces off. I'd rip a couple feet off and a bunch of ball bags. So consider yourself lucky.

So anyway, so I leave Nia stays and all of a sudden the monkey starts fucking acting up and somebody stand there going he's got saying he's going to charge the glass and that's exactly what the thing did. And everybody jumped back and and then another monkey ran in there and all the humans were like oh they're going to fight. And when the other monkey ran in there after the other the alpha chimp flipped out when he ran in there, the two of them just hugged each other. And then they sat down and started grooming one another. It just made me feel bad. You know, I don't mind rep. You know, you're going to stick something in a cage. Make it a reptile.

Those fucking idiots, they don't know what's going on. You know, they're going to do is throw a dead mouse at him every couple of hours and they're fine. Reptiles are the mouth breathing morons of the fucking animal kingdom. They just they they're clueless. You know, it's like they're like those people that sit out in the bleachers. You know, those jackasses. Those are reptiles. Speaking of which, speaking of sports, I've tried to keep up on the sports.

I've been actually, you know, something I've been over here so long, I'm starting to like cricket, which I got to tell you something right now. You know, as much as they bitch about, help me moving this computer isn't making a bunch of noises. As much as people bitch about how difficult hockey is to watch on TV, you ain't seen shit until you try to watch a game of cricket. When there's nobody there to explain what the fuck is going on. For you yanks out there who never seen the goddamn game and it looks like baseball played with a fraternity paddle. Do you know that that field is 360 degrees? There's no foul balls. You foul tip that motherfucker and it goes over the wall behind you.

That's six runs. That's what you get for a home run. Six runs. It gets to the wall. That's four runs. There's two guys with paddles. When you hit the ball, they both try, they run at each other, go to each other's bases. And if they can do it before those cunts get the ball in, that's a run or two or something like that.

And they play, they have like fucking 50 outs. And they got a quicker game, 20 something or other that only takes a day, but a cricket match takes five fucking days. Good lord. And you thought baseball was born. But I got to admit, after a while, I kind of started to get into it, got into it a little bit. But I don't know. What else did I do out here? So we went to the zoo.

That was a great time. Other than the fact you're just looking into the eyes of animals that don't want to fucking be there. But oh, by the way, the two major animals here, koalas and kangaroos, not a fan of either one. Now that I've seen them up close. Koalas, like they just got that look in their face. It's depressing. You know, I've been, I was joking on stage, my shows down here. I was saying the reason why I didn't like koalas, because when I looked at into a koala bears face, it reminded me of every time I quit in life.

You know, they just have that fucking, you know, what's the point man? You know, they're just sitting there high off that fucking eucalyptus shit they eat. They're like potheds. For some reason, they remind me of Tom Bosley. You know, Mr. C, Mr. Cunningham on happy days, like if Mr. Cunningham was a fucking animal, he would be a koala bear. Mr. Cunningham would be, not Tom Bosley, okay? Because obviously he didn't sit around do nothing. The guy made it as a fucking character actor.

Alright, and kangaroos are fucking rats. They're rodents. They got this little fucking head that's really weird. They're just, they're just creepy. Alright, and my version of a kangaroo were those funny ones that they drew in cartoons. They're not funny at all. They're fucking like six feet, six feet one. They're like as big as Eli Manning.

And they can, you know, basically rip your guts out with their front feet if they choose. And they can jump twice as far as Michael Jordan. So that's pretty scary. See, I learned shit when I was over here. You know, you guys just think I'm going around drinking fucking beers, which I did. Really Bill, can you recommend a good Aussie beer? Yes, I can. Little Creatures Pale Ale.

It was fucking delicious. Alright, I'm trying to space out, do a little better job here with the advertising this week. I'll just read them real quick one at a time here and then get back to the podcast. Amazon.com. Thanks again for helping to support the show by going to my Amazon banner on www.billbird.com podcast page before you buy something online. This one extra set helps support the cost of producing the podcast as well as help the The Wounded Warrior Project where I give a percentage of my advertising revenue too.

So thanks again for going there. There you go. Bang bang boom. You like that? Quick commercials this week. Back to the podcast. Oh, so this morning my Patriots, the New England Patriots were playing the Green Cunts. The New York Jets.

They were playing them. I thought at four in the morning. They were actually the four o'clock game, which was seven in the morning here. So I got up at four in the morning and I actually watched on my computer. I watched, what did I watch? I watched the Giants versus the Redskins. Thanks to my opening act. My support as they call it out here.

Cody hooked me up with this NFL username and password. I was able to watch most of that game before it crapped out on me. And then I had to go to, had to go to a casino, which was five minutes down the fucking road, but there's so much traffic here in Sydney and they only have like two lanes on each side. It took forever to get over there. And I watched the Patriots versus the Jets. Jesus. Jesus.

And you know what I saw during that game? I saw two teams that are not going to win the Super Bowl this year. I actually think Rex Ryan is doing a hell of a fucking job considering all the injuries that they have. And Belichick is doing a hell of a job considering we have absolutely no secondary whatsoever. They definitely played better this week, but you know, we won the game, but I can't even talk shit. It's like we blew the game and then the Jets were like, oh, no, you don't. Oh, no, you don't. We're going to blow the game.

How dare you try to make us win this game? And then the Patriots like, well, wait a minute, we don't want to win this game. You win the game. We'll fumble the ball during the kickoff. The Jets go, okay, well, we'll see your fumble and we'll drop an easy pass and just kick a field goal. Um, I don't know if we just had somebody. I was, I got to be honest with you. I was really surprised that we won that game because I really, you know, defense wins games

and I felt that the Jets had a better defense or have a better defense that we do even though Rivas is out. Um, Cromarty is still a great player and we just don't, we just don't have that guy in the fucking secondary. But, uh, but he was hilarious. I remember I even fucking told this story yet because I had to start this podcast three fucking times because it's so weird to be doing this without hearing myself, headphones and all that type of shit. But anyways, um, I went over to the Star Casino. You know, it's hilarious. I'm like 50-50 whether I already told this story. I hope I didn't.

Um, I went over there and there was nobody there. I walked into this sports book. There was nobody there. There was this Asian dude playing some weird game in the corner and, uh, had the whole place to myself. It was actually kind of cool and, uh, I don't know. Is it weird that it like, I got over there by nine in the morning. I had watched the first half on the computer before it crapped out on me at nine in the morning. I went over there and I just started drinking by myself.

I had three beers. I told myself I was only going to have two. But then once we fucked up and fumbled, I was like, ah, fuck it. I'll have it. I'm going to fucking drink my sorrows away because we're going to lose this game. And somehow we won, you know? Anybody go to the game out there? How many fucking fair weather fans left after we fumbled the fucking kickoff trying to beat the traffic?

Those douchebags. So, uh, I don't know. I'm psyched that we won, but in the long run, is it really going to help the Patriots? You know what it is? You know what's really hurting the Patriots? How good Tom Brady is in Bill Belichick and our offenses because we win so many fucking games that we shouldn't. And, uh, then we don't get a high draft pick and we really need to, we need to get somebody. Is anybody coming out of college?

That's just going to be a lights out cornerback because God knows we could fucking use one. Oh, and by the way, I absolutely fucking hate those old school New England Patriot uniforms. And I know there's a lot of people that like them, but all I, I see those and I get sick to my stomach. I see those uniforms and all I think of is Dan Moreno throwing for 500 yards. You know, I think of the Bears Patriots Super Bowl. I think of Tony Eason, um, Irving Friar before he got his shit together. I, I roughing the passer against the fucking Oakland Raiders in 1976. That's all I think of.

I just think of losing or coming close to winning and then fucking losing. That's all I think of about whenever I see those, those uniforms. Although, you know, if I see a T-shirt that has the old Pat Patriot helmet on it, I'm a sucker and I'll buy it, but I, I hate seeing us. I just hate seeing us wear those uniforms. It's, it's just not a good time. I imagine people who, uh, Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans probably feel the same way when you have the Cream Sickle uniforms. Doesn't that just remind you of Owen 14? I guess you had Doug Williams.

You had that one year in like 79 where you got all the way to the, uh, the NFC championship game where I believe the Los Angeles Rams beat you nine to nothing. Norman Cromwell kicked three field goals. Isn't that what happened? And then they played the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Roided Up Pittsburgh Steelers, by the way. That's for that cunt on Twitter that gave me shit about the Patriots cheating. It's always funny to hear a steeler fan talk about cheating. You really should go back and see why you had the steel curtain. It should have said the steroid curtain.

Jesus Christ, even Terry Bradshaw admitted that he was using Roids. Um, but whatever. Whatever. They got synogenics now. They're giving them to fucking old people. Um, so anyways, how far into this fucking horribly recorded podcast? Am I all half hour? Look at that.

Moving right along. Let's, uh, let's turn on the fucking light here. Oh, by the way, I didn't make it up to the Great Barrier Reef. I didn't make it up there. It was just going to be too much of a thrash. And, uh, I actually found out how to do it the right way. You know, but granted, I heard that they're not going to allow the public to go to the Great Barrier Reef for much longer. And if they don't, well, what are you going to do?

You know what I mean? I think the Barrier Reef is more important than, uh, this freckle-faced cunt actually seeing it. Um, let's, let's get to a question for this week. It is an advice one. Uh, brother-in-law, Bill. So, my brother-in-law is a fucking pussy. He is the poster boy for Napoleon Complex. He smacks his wife around.

Jesus Christ. Doesn't keep groceries in the fridge for his kids. Talk shit about how he'll eat my lunch to people once he has a couple of whiskeys and copes in them. The guy is a real piece of shit. Despite all of this, I've never judged the motherfucker. Never made a big thing out of his drunk shit talking on me. Always gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well, did you judge him for fucking slapping your sister around?

Right? If he's your brother-in-law, then his wife has to be your sister. Or is it on your, your, could it be on your wife's side? I don't know how that shit works. I never understood that. This is my third cousin. That doesn't mean shit to me. I don't know what that means.

Do you have three cousins? He's three times removed. Um, anyways, a couple weeks ago, it all came to a head and I ended up having to kick his fucking ass after he showed up. To my two-year-old daughter's birthday party drunk and caused a scene in front of my family. I'll be the first to tell you that I don't like confrontation. I don't walk around like I'm some badass tough guy. This stuff has been brewing for a while though, and that night I had no choice but to grant his wish and beat the shit out of him. Well, good for you.

I gotta say it felt pretty fucking good too. I imagine it did. It feels good for me to find out that you did it. Um, anyways, so fast forward a little bit. My wife's sister is now sending text messages about him wanting a rematch. Blah, blah, blah. Also, it's your wife's sister that he's slapping around. This guy wants a rematch.

The guy writes, LOL. We live in close proximity, so it is not unusual to see these slugs at the same grocery store, liquor store, gas station, etc. So when the time comes and I do see this stupid little fuck, how do I play it? I have nothing to prove. I don't like to fight. I'm 31 years old and have a family. But I'm certain this cunt will put me in a position when I do see him. If you were me, how would you go about handling this situation when it does arise?

Which I'm sure it will sooner or later. Thanks, Bill. Um, what would I do? I'd call him up. I'd call the guy up. The lovely Nia, everybody. How are you? Um, I would call the guy up.

And, uh, I'd try it that way. Call him up while he's sober and you're sober. You do it over the phone so it doesn't escalate to a physical thing. And I would just say, listen, I heard that you're saying that you want to rematch and all that type of stuff. All right. I don't want to fight you. That's not what I want to do. But if you put me in a position, I will defend myself and the outcome is going to be the same.

All right. Stop being a fucking pussy. Learn how to hold your alcohol. All right. But I'm going to tell you right now, I am not looking for a fight, but if you come at me, I am going to pound your short little ass into the fucking ground in front of your wife and kids. All right. That's what I'm going to do. And by the way, stop slapping around your wife.

I know that's probably bad advice. Maybe say something better than that. But do it over the phone. Is there a nice way to say that? Just say, listen, man, I don't want to fight you. All right. I heard that you want to rematch. It's unfortunate that things got physical.

That that's the route you go because you won the fight. So there's no way you don't have to gloat. He knows what happened. All right. You know, you got out of hand, you know, maybe you ought to go to AA or something. You know, you seem to be really chippy when you have a couple of drinks. And then when he starts yelling all this stuff, just say, listen, I didn't call up to argue with you. I'm just telling you, I don't want to fight you again.

All right. Please don't put me in a position to have to fight you again. All right. Just leave it there. And you know what? You guys, you know what? It's inevitable. You guys are going to fight.

That guy, get my fucking straight, right? Just fucking right in his fucking chops. Why don't you go over there? Let's just go over there and fight him again. Kick his ass and then throw him in the bushes and just laugh as you watch that little fucker tap to crawl out of him. You know, you know what I'm worried about, sir, is that you're going to end up getting sued. You know, that's something that the little bastard will do. This guy, Nia, he's actually, he fucking, I don't know, he slaps his wife around.

He doesn't keep groceries in the fridge. You can't hold his alcohol. The guy that wrote you? No, no, no, no. The guy that wrote me, this is his brother-in-law. His brother-in-law? Slaps around his sister? No, I don't know.

I think it's his wife's sister. I mean, I don't get it. I don't get what's going on here. Slap him around your sister. You should do what James Cahn did in the Godfather and beat the fuck out of him with every, you know, trash can on the block. I don't know. I don't, it seems real, I don't know. For some reason, his question wasn't about how do I get him to stop hitting his wife.

Yeah, that's kind of the main issue, isn't it? I don't know. I don't think that that's, I don't think in his world it is. These might be, did you see that show Gypsy Blood when we were over here? Yeah. Yeah, like those guys like fucking, they have cock fights, they kick the family dog around, and they have their kids sit there beat, they have half hour fights with each other, taking punches to the head, and they're sitting there going. No, you gotta convince this woman to leave this asshole. That's the thing.

You know what, that's a real, why wouldn't you do that? He's slapping her around, why wouldn't you try to tell her to leave him? Well, why wouldn't she leave? You know what I mean? There's a million reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. It's not so black and white, like, oh, you're getting beat up, leave. It's sometimes more complicated than that. Well, you can't find out, but you can't just go over there and be like, hey, you know what, you should leave, like she doesn't know.

The guy slapping her around, he's like, you gotta have something like, hey, you should leave, and I have an apartment for you. Well, yeah, sure, of course. Because other than that, you're like, that's like walking up to somebody broke going, you should win the lottery. No, it's... It isn't, alright, well, I'm stupid. Listen, don't get mad at me. No, but I don't understand what you're doing. I have to keep it funny.

I understand, I understand, the guy shouldn't be hitting the girl and he should try and help them out. I mean, that goes without saying. What are they supposed to do? Well, I don't know. I mean, yeah, that's a tough one. But, I mean, if the wife wasn't around the husband, it might help a little. It might help a lot, it sounds like. I don't know, it's how you get involved in people's...

They should stuff that little fuck around trash can, put duct tape over the lid, poke some holes in there so the cunt can still breathe, and then just move his wife out to a safe place. There you go. And then roll the guy down the hill. Exactly. Alright, here's a dilemma for you, Nia. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? Invisible for a day, what would you do?

I don't know, I would probably sit in on people's therapy sessions. Really? Yeah, I would, because I'm really interested in that kind of stuff anyway, psychology and all that. You know, you can just be a therapist. I know, I wanted to be a therapist for a long time. Yeah, I always said like, if I wasn't doing what I'm doing now, I'd maybe like go back to school for it. But yeah, I would do that. You could be invisible for a day, that's what you would do.

I think I would. Is that weird? It's weird to me because I'm obviously, you're way nicer a person than I am. Oh, why? What would you do? Oh my god, there's a zillion things. Everything from look up women's dresses. What are you, fucking ten years old?

Yeah, you can just go online and just see women's vaginal canal, okay? So you don't need to like be a weirdo. I just lay down on the sidewalk. Okay. I'd either do that. What a waste of visibility. That's a fucking waste. You're terrible at this.

Or I would, I'd go to the CIA building and I'd just start reading files. That sounds more like you. While I looked up dresses of agents. You gotta do something perverted. Look, I'm just being honest. There's no way I can handle the power of being invisible. But you don't have to be invisible in order to see women's like private parts. That doesn't require invisibility.

You can just do it on the internet. Yeah, but that's not the same. That's like, oh, I can also watch that fucking Oliver Stone JFK movie. That's not like walking into the CIA building and reading all the stuff before they black it out. You know? Okay, but that makes more sense to do invisible rather than look up somebody's skirt. Whatever, it's your fucking invisibility. Yeah, stop taking my invisibility away.

Ugh, lame. What's the next one? You know something near my CIA thing was better than sitting in a therapy session. That's like a job. You could just go do that. What would you do if you were invisible? I'd go to a construction site and watch them build a house. Just be a construction worker.

No. It's more about being nosy about people's business. That's why I'd want to be invisible. What you're doing is the female version of me looking up a dress. I'm looking into their mind. Well, look, so I'm automatically deeper than you. Deeper than you. If guys genitalia looked a little better, you'd be laying down on the sidewalk too, looking at ball bags.

Gross. No one wants to look at a ball bag. Exactly, so that's why you're not a better person. Yeah, but everyone wants to see a who? All right. Dilemma. All right, you were just given a yacht. What would you name it?

It's not really a dilemma, but... Yeah, why is that a dilemma? Fuck, I was just given a million dollar boat. What would you name it? I don't know. I would name it Tender Headed. God, Nia. It's my name of my company.

It's my whole branding identity. It's Tender Headed. Why wouldn't I name it that? It's supposed to be something kind of like funny, isn't it? What are you going to name it? Go fuck yourself? I don't know, off the grid. Kilo Abort. No, I told you, if I ever had a boat, I would definitely...

There's no way I would not be moving drugs. I wouldn't be able to handle that power. Just taking a fucking water taxi, just being out there. It's like, I'm out on the water. There's nobody out here. You know? I would. I would have every once in a while, not all the time.

Every once in a while, I would have a brick of weed or a kilo of coke, and I would just be out there by myself, just out there naked, just fucking jerking off on the seas and just having a good time. There's a reason why I'm where I'm at in society. God knows better. Every once in a while, he fucks up

and then he lets a crazy person through. All right. How far are we into this thing? I'm really hoping this isn't going to sound fucking horrific. Why don't you pause it and listen to it for a second? I did. It sounds like I'm in a fucking tin can. It's the best I can do.

There's no levels here that I can fuck with, and I don't know. Can you put that thing all the way to the right? Does that do anything? I don't know what that does. That maybe turns it up. No idea. How have you enjoyed being in Australia? Oh, I've loved it.

It's been amazing, and shout out to all the cool people that came to your show. Absolutely. And were nice enough to say hi to me. Oh yeah, a lot of people were like, they were like the lovely Nia. Yeah, that was really nice. So shout out to all you guys that said hello to me.

That was nice. It made me feel really special and welcome. No, the city is amazing. Having a great time. It made the nicest 11 seconds ever on this podcast. It was very sincere. It's true. I felt very welcome by the way.

Okay, all right. Jesus Christ. It's true. I really liked it. People in Australia are so nice. You know what? I think it's time to talk about sweetest day. All right.

Mr. Burr. Love the podcast. A commercial here real quick. What the hell is this one? Stamps.com, everybody. You know the drill. You want to go to the post office for the rest of your life? Good.

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All right. On to the sweetest day. Mr. Burr, I love the podcast. Okay. I lost in my bulls to participate in what I call a bullshit holiday. Yeah. It's called sweetest day.

I've never even heard of this. It says certain areas of the Midwest celebrate something called sweetest day on the third Saturday in October. It's just another excuse for cards, flowers, candy, et cetera. I am originally from New Orleans, New Orleans and didn't move to the Midwest

till 2009. Until then, I was unaware of this. This is the first time I'm hearing of it too, sir. I've never heard of this at all. Exactly. It says, I am also in the military, so we live outside of Ohio the first six years of our marriage.

This holiday was never even mentioned once during that time. So every year since moving to Cincinnati I have refused to partake like clockwork. Every year I catch flak because my wife's friend slash family brag about the gifts they received.

Am I being a dick for not participating in this? Should I stand my ground or given to celebrating something with only regional importance? Any help would be appreciated. Go fuck yourself. And happy sweetest day. So do they not celebrate Valentine's Day there?

This is basically what it is. This is an extra Valentine's Day. This is like when the NFL wanted to add more games and the players union was like, fuck that. We're already getting enough concussions. This is the Valentine's Day version of that. So there's one in February

and then there's one in October. Oh, get her something nice so she doesn't have to feel shitty in front of all those people. What's the big deal? Get some flowers. This is what the deal is. Get her some perfume.

Take her out to dinner. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What the fuck is she going to get him? Don't try to back your way out of this. I'm not backing out of this. You weren't even fucking even remotely thinking about the guy in this.

Well, I wasn't until you just mentioned it. Yeah, you weren't. Get her this, get her that. What about him? You already have Valentine's Day. We already have to buy you shit. You guys don't buy us a fucking thing on that day. That's not true.

What have you ever gotten me for Valentine's Day? Sex? No, I love that too. Like how you guys consider sex. Like that's a chore for you. Like it doesn't feel good. I wish it was a holiday where I just let you blow me after you took me out to dinner.

Isn't there something like that? Isn't that something that men are trying to get going? That's something I was trying to get going. Steak in a blowjob day. That's right. You know what? And I'm telling you, if your lady is a champion, she'll actually enjoy doing that.

Making you steak and fucking blowing you. Yeah, maybe that's the compromise. Let's do something for each other on the sweetest day. How about that? We'll both, you know. Yeah, you know what I want you to do? I want you to do for me on sweetest day. Me?

Yeah. I want you to forget that it exists. And my gift to you is that I'll do the exact same thing. Give me a fucking break. You want to go out? If you want to go out one night, just say you want to go out. Don't do it with this shit.

It's the sweetest day thing. The fucking people who make the candy. Yeah, but how come I... Jesus Christ, do you have to be invisible? Looking for vials to figure that out? Gee, who came up with the Suzuki Samurai tips over easily? The people who make the Jeep. But how come we haven't heard of it though?

It's a regional thing. Like why is it... Because people in Cincinnati are dumb and they don't realize that they're getting fucked over. I don't know why. I have no idea. I don't know why it goes on there. Yeah, I mean it's definitely kind of ridiculous

to have to participate just because everybody else is doing it. No, it's not kind of ridiculous. It's completely fucking ridiculous. Well, they can compromise by both doing it. Let's do like a special day together and it's a together thing. As opposed to let me go out and buy you stuff so just so you can show off to your friends.

You know something about all of this shit? That's just shit that should be going on in your relationship anyways. You shouldn't have to fucking go, you know, that you know, Hallmark said stand up and salute and then you stand up like a fucking zombie. You know, fuck you Hallmark. Go fuck yourself, fuck all your days,

fuck all of that. What do we do every year for Valentine's Day? We go out the day before Valentine's Day. Day after. Day after. You don't even know. Yeah, not on Valentine's Day to avoid the crowds. Because saps go out that day.

In the inflated prices and we have a great time. It's phenomenal. February 15th is one of the greatest nights. You'll ever go out to dinner. Nobody's out. You just do it that way. So what should he say to his wife about this? Should he just be like,

I'm not just being this bullshit. I don't want her to have to go through what I go through. This is what she has to do. She's go, hey sweetie. Grab her ass. Grab his dick. I got your holiday right here. I'll pour some sugar right on my dick.

There's your fucking blow pop. No, it's stupid. She probably knows it's stupid too. But you know, everybody else is like, oh, he didn't get you. Who is this Brad? No, we don't name names. We don't name names.

It's Chad. Chad. He wrote it on the thing. Oh, that's my fault for showing it to you. Oh God. Yeah, that's weird. Well, it's yet another one-way holiday. This is what I would say.

I would be like, I would just be like, look, there's already a Valentine's Day. Christmas is right around the corner. You know what I mean? And it's like one of those last times you made me a steak and blew me because it's fucking steak and a blow job.

We really have to come up with a date. It'll be the third Saturday of October. October is Halloween. Let's figure this out. Let's figure this out, all right? Okay. January is New Year's. February is Valentine's Day

and Abe Lincoln's birthday or George Washington or something like that. It's Black History Month. Black History Month. Okay, so that's out. March is St. Patrick's Day. There's got to be a month left. It's like something that would fall in line

with St. Patrick's Day. It's steak and a blow job day. It sounds like something a drunken Irish fool would come up with. Yeah, then it gets too frat boy and then it becomes date rape day. Yeah, that's true. Then it becomes rapey.

April is Easter. In April Fool's Day. In Hitler's birthday. So that's out. 420, man. Mother's Day. Memorial Day. God damn it.

June is Father's Day. Father's Day, June. That's weird. Like for Father's Day, like if your husband's a father, give him a steak and a blow job. Steak and a blow job, two bits, right? June is day, I don't know.

All right, July, that's 4th of July. Independence Day, yeah, that works. That's very American. Holiday, honestly, steak and a blow job. What about August? There's nothing in August. Yeah, August is good. There you go, it's the end of the summer.

August or September. Corn is in season, very phallic looking. There you go. August, all right, we'll come up with a date. The 17th. Okay. August 17th, steak and a blow job day. Lucky seven and one blow job.

You heard it here of course, folks. August 17th. You know what, there's a lot of women out there that are actually going to enjoy doing that. Put it in the calendar, so when it comes up next year, you make a bigger announcement about it. You really get this thing going. I have to get it trending on Twitter.

To get it going, I got to get blow job out of there. It's got to be... Steak and a BJ? Well, what you do is the steak thing, you'd be supporting beef farmers. Right. So you add a Jungkook or Mellencamp sort of farm-aid thing to it.

Farm-aid? Yeah. And then the blow job. That's the tough one. There you go. There's your podcast listeners. There's your homework for the week. How can I sell this thing

without people saying that it's completely fucking sexist? All right, that's it. We're winding down here on the podcast. Let me make sure I've gotten everything that I need to get to. What are we up to here? 54 minutes of tin can listening.

All right. Amazon Lending Tree already did that. Gamefly. Gamefly. There we go. Gamefly.com, everybody. Hey, would you like 8,000 video games at your fingertips with a 15-day free trial?

Go to Gamefly.com or through the Gamefly banner on my website podcast page. The free trial is a $23 value and you will get two discs of whatever game for whatever video game system you want. There's no strings attached. You can play games and cancel your subscription.

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Back to the podcast here. Filatio Filet. All right. That has alliteration. But how are you going to get the red states? How are you going to get the Bible beaters? You know what? It needs to be one of those underground holidays,

you know? Yeah, that's cool. Podcasts. We're kind of under, right? Since you already blasted the hallmark, they're obviously not going to have anything to do with you after this. Yeah, fuck hallmarks.

The hallmark's right there with Nike. Just do it. Keep sewing, you piece of shit. Give us the money. Yeah, it's so ridiculous. And all they talk about is the shame of Lance Armstrong. What about the shame of having people have to sweep raw sewage

out of their fucking houses during the rainy season? Because you're not paying them enough money that they're going to have a door on their fucking concrete dwelling. I don't know. What are you going to do? Anyways. We got anything left?

Oh, here's the last thing for this week. Learning Spanish. What's up, Bill? I heard you bitching about Rosetta Stone on your latest podcast. I wasn't bitching about it. I don't have the time to commit to it. You were bitching.

How was I bitching? You always bitch. Yeah, but I wasn't bitching about Rosetta Stone. I was bitching that I couldn't get the fucking, I had lost the disc. I like Rosetta Stone. Okay. All right then.

He said, dude, that's old technology. It's like you're still trying to make phone calls with one of those backpack wind-up army phones we used in Vietnam. Jesus Christ, is it that old? Yeah. He goes, just give this a try. It's a free website.

Oh, fuck you when you're advertising and trying to get in here. Okay. He says this other place. Okay. The format they have for learning a language, in my opinion, is far superior to Rosetta Stone.

I'm guessing this person actually makes some money off this. He goes, plus there's no fucking software and it's free. Tracks your progress and allows you to communicate with other users if you're having trouble. Very helpful.

Just trying to help out a fellow ginger. Ginger's got to stick together. I'm a redhead. I'm from the States. We're called redheads. All these people in the States using that expression, ginger, is fucking hilarious to me.

With your fucking, who's Austin Powers speak out of nowhere? How is, I know ginger is red, but what is it about ginger that is red? Like where did they come up with that? A spice, isn't it the spice? Yeah, but if you look at a ginger, you've seen a ginger root before.

It's not red. Oh yeah, I have. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's not red at all. I don't know how it came about. Maybe dry ginger is red. I don't think so. I have no idea.

There are things saying that redheads are going to be extinct by the year 2080. It's like, so will I be. I mean, how is it going to affect my, I won't be extinct. I'll be dead from fucking old age, hopefully. I don't understand how redheads are supposed to be extinct like a whole,

like there'll be no more people in the world who have red hair ever. Like what, based on what? Based on somebody said something on the internet and all these fucking morons who aren't qualified to pass it on. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say that that's probably an urban myth.

You know what's funny? As I was describing what they were doing, I realized that I described what I do on stage every night. Yeah. By the way, out great with my shows when I was out here. Your shows were amazing. I fucking had a great goddamn time.

I can't wait to come back here. Next time I come back here, it's over, man. I'm going to do fucking tour next time. I'm going to do Perth, Melbourne, fucking, was it Bisbane and fucking? Bisbane. Bisbane, Adelaide, and fucking, where are we? Symphony with the fucks it calls, Sydney?

I'm going to do that, whatever. I'm tired. All right, that's the podcast this week, guys. I'm sorry. I shorted out my mixer. I hope you enjoyed it. Back to, well, I'll have to buy a new fucking mixer and I don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, are you going to get rid of your ham radio? What are you talking about? It died. I mean, I don't know what to tell you. It fucking died. All right, well, that's the podcast. And once again, seriously, no bullshit. Thank you to everybody who came to my shows here in Sydney.

I know a lot of people traveled a long, long ways to come to my shows. I had an awesome time and I am definitely without a fucking doubt coming back because Australia is the shit. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a good week.

I'll talk to you later and thanks for coming on with me, Nia. You're welcome. Okay, bye-bye. And if he's reliable, you know that. Above all, you're now enjoying four-year warranty on your certified second-hand car. BMW Premium Selection. Trust your instinct, follow your fate.

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