Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-18

Episode Date: October 23, 2018

Bill rambles about knives, the pumpkin patch, and engine fires.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. What's going on? How are ya?

Oh, it's almost the holiday season. A dooby-dooby-doo in Halloween. And Thanksgiving, don't forget about them before you slide into fucking Hanukkah in Christmas. Right? Halloween in Thanksgiving are the fucking Joey Bishop and... What's the other guy's name? What was the other guy that was in the rat pack? What was it? Rod Labor?

Something Crawford? I don't know what the fuck his name was. Cindy Crawford? Cindy Serum. Isn't it great that Cindy's back on TV, telling these old broads if they get the fucking Serum and they don't have her genetics, they're still somehow going to look younger? You know? I mean, she honestly looks like she's like fucking 30. I'm going to get some Cindy Serum. My hair is going to come back. It's going to be all wavy.

I'm going to get a fucking contract with Chanel. My stupid phone keeps saying Update Apple ID Settings. It's not a stupid phone. I apologize. Excuse me. I misspoke. It's not a stupid phone. It's a smart phone. Oh, it's so fucking smart. Every two seconds, you know? It's a diva. Update Apple ID Settings. Some account services will not be available until you sign in again. So I keep signing in and there's some sort of fucking code they're supposed to send me.

And I think I deleted it because I just thought it was some bullshit from Verizon. You know, like you want to, if you want to pay your bill online, you know, which option to fucking submit your DNA if you'd like with your fingerprint so we can pass that on to some fucking Russian mobster who's then going to buy a penthouse and fucking New York City for $9 billion and nobody's going to give a shit. I want to know why. Why? All right. If I get to sit here, support the troops,

being American and all of that shit, why these rich cunts in this fucking country can then turn around and sell real estate to people that live in countries that we have problems with. I don't want to get all 80 stand up here, but what's the deal? They do. They would fucking, I swear to God, if one of these jungle gym fucking training ISIS guys could somehow scrape together fucking $9 billion to buy a fucking townhouse in Manhattan, they'd sell it to them. No one would have a fucking problem.

No one. Well, maybe somebody would have a problem then and we would fucking go away, go away real quick. All right. The time I go to New York City, which I was just there, I had a wonderful time. I saw this fucking dude from Russia. He bought three townhouses on the Upper East, the Upper West Side. The fucking things go for like 20, 30 million a whack. The fucking guy buys three side by side is gutting all of them to tournament to the biggest fucking apartment in Manhattan. Here's the kicker. He bought it for his ex-wife.

My first thought was, well, Jesus Christ, that ought to shut her up. They ought to get him at least through fucking, you know, Halloween and Thanksgiving before the holiday season really fucking kicks in. You spend all your, you know, you know, it's funny about that fucking broad. She probably still wants something for Christmas too. I'm trained to help you. I can't fucking do a Russian accent, but I can't imagine what the fucking, you know, good and goddamn well, if he doesn't go out and get some big, shiny, stupid fucking, I mean, how much of a fucking headache was she?

This is his ex-wife. He went out and bought her that. I mean, if I was his accountant, I'd be like, you're still fucking banging her. I mean, what's going on here? What are we doing? Get out, get a one Boris. What are you, buying her fucking three? Yeah. And I guess he doesn't get audited because he's from, I don't know, if the whole fucking thing is weird and then you see like, you know, there'd be like some giant goddamn building and they'll be like the top fucking nine floors for a cool hundred, 70 million dollars.

They always say a cool was sold to some fucking person on mainland China. All these people. Okay. Chinese, right? You know what they're doing, right? They're putting like they're doing something with the toys. I forget what it was. Somebody told me this one night in a bar. The guy was whispering and he had one eyebrow, but he really seemed to make sense. They're doing something to the toys. Russia is fucking with the elections, right? Isn't that what I'm supposed to know? Are you supposed to say? You're supposed to repeat now that I'm in Hollywood?

I don't know. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. All I know is it's very early in the morning and I'm getting my podcast done here before my little cutie pie wakes up and I was supposed to do it last night, but we ended up going out. We went out to breakfast. You know, I hadn't seen it forever, right? You know, it was away from the family for nine days. So we went out to breakfast and she came home for a nap and then afterwards we went to this pumpkin patch and it just fucking wore me out. I mean, I could have come on and done a podcast, but I wouldn't have been as funny, you know?

I wouldn't have been able to give you all that vital information you needed to know about the country of Russia and China. I mean, all of that stuff was dead on. You can go fact-check it at billbird.com. I got all the facts to fucking to back it up, right? I'm only kidding. If you're from Russia and you're from China and you'd like to take your dirty blood money and spread it around here, then by all means, let's have, after all the suspicion about the last election, let's have somebody from Russia buy three fucking townhouses right in the goddamn fucking Manhattan.

Why don't we do that? Why don't we have a fucking commercial late at night that has a fucking knife sharpener thing that's so goddamn sharp, evidently you can sharpen a credit card with it and cut a fucking pineapple in half? Why don't we fucking do that and ignore our goddamn recent history and just have that out on the market? No, that's not a red flag. Have something out there that could take a fucking butter knife and have it go through a frozen fucking steak. Dude, the commercial, they're literally showing the thing.

I almost feel like fucking irresponsible putting this information out there, sharpening a credit card, okay? Then it looks like slices of, I don't know what it was. Went through a fucking shoe. I love the thing that's just like, we took this serrated fucking knife and we fucking went across concrete and then we stuck it in this fucking thing and now you can cut your postman's fucking shoe off with his foot still in it? Once again, I don't want to do 80 stand-up here,

but how sharp does the fucking knife need to be? I was watching that commercial last night with the lovely Nia and we were just laughing our asses off, going, I wouldn't want that in my house. I wouldn't be, I wouldn't feel safe with me fucking having a knife that I cut the fucking tip of my finger off. God knows what some other lunatic, okay? No civilian needs a knife that fucking sharp,

even those fucking Dyson Cunts on one of those cooking shows. You know, I always wondered if that fucking guy from Hell's Kitchen ever realized how sharp the fucking knives are of the people that he's screaming and yelling at, you know? And I worked with enough fucking restaurants, being one, when I was growing up, to realize that people who work in the kitchen, for the most part, are not the most stable fucking people. Fucking lunatics.

He's still working in this fucking restaurant. One of the guys was on work release, meaning at night he went back to jail. It slices, it dices, you can rob a bank with it. Anyways, I'm so fucking happy to... I'm an old man now, people. I can't go on the road for that long, you know? And now that I've took the time to build a personal life

and have something to come home to, you know what I mean? I miss all the varmints running around on my property, taking out my slingshot, killing something before breakfast. You know, that's one of my favorite things to do. Go out in nature, breathe it in, feel the peace, and fucking kill something. Skin it, look around, making sure no other predators coming around want to steal my kill.

I remember one time I saw this beautiful family of squirrels right outside my breakfast nook. Something I carved out, without a permit. And a little barren wall, but nobody need to know that. And I saw those little family squirrels, and the mother was handing a little baby a squirrel, a little fucking nut, and right before it handed it to her, I blew that thing's fucking brains out.

It made me feel like an American to me, and that little fucker was coming down. You know, I have a little bird feeder, and that feeds for the birds, all right? And I don't want to hear nothing about no goddamn squirrel. Ain't no fucking smart enough to realize that bird food is bird food and squirrel food is squirrel food. It just reminded me, you know, when I saw that bird,

it reminded me of ISIS, and I was like, what is this little beady-eyed motherfucker doing in the bird feed? And I killed it in front of its baby squirrel to send a message to the other squirrels. Sorry. Anyways, did anybody watch any... What do you want to talk about first? Formula One racing?

You want to talk fucking F1? You know what? Considering. It's a weird call right now. I just talked about killing varmints in your fucking backyard, which is very American, very patriotic, borderline of holiday, right? But I also talked about Russian and Chinese people buying fucking, you know,

top-level fucking real estate. Jesus, Bill, can you get it out? What did they buy in America? All right, let's go F1. F1. Oh, Lewis Hamilton. Lewis the finger pointer, Hamilton. One of the great drivers of all time, but oh, does that guy like to fucking point fingers.

When he doesn't win a race, oh my god. He always goes, you know, I don't know what happened, you know, I don't really understand what the strategy was there. I'll have to find out about that. But you know, racing is tough. He always does that. Maybe that's why he's great. It was a really, really, really fucking exciting race.

Lewis Hamilton had the pole. All right, the fucking race starts. Kimmy Rakinin said, you know what? I haven't won a race since 2015. I think today's a good fucking day to try to win one. And he comes to, I don't even know what, you know, because I didn't see any of the qualifying. I fast forwarded through all the grid lineups and shit.

I thought it was Vettel at first. And when I saw fucking Vettel spin out, you know what I love about Vettel? Vettel and Kimmy Rakinin. I just love the guys who drive emotionally. Sebastian Vettel was driving the way I drive in fucking rush hour traffic. He ends up spinning out, fucking up his car.

And he just, you know, he doesn't wave and go, I'm sorry, just slams on the gas like he's fucking Bert Reynolds, spins the car around, keeps driving. And the guy managed to get all the way back up to the front of the field to the point that Lewis Hamilton needed to come in second if he was going to win yet another championship. You know, I tease Lewis Hamilton just because, you know, it's not like I don't fucking respect the guy,

but you know, I'm new to this sport. What am I? I'm just going to become a Lewis Hamilton fan. I'm just going to start watching college football and who's your favorite team? Alabama. I'm not fucking doing that. I'm going to root for LSU.

Yeah, you got to go contrarian. So anyways, he had a chance. Everybody, I think he fucking, yeah, he pitted early, like really early, like on lap 12 of 56. I'm thinking, what the fuck is he doing? There's no matter what he does, those tires are going to wear out. So now he's in first place. He's driving like a lunatic because he's trying to,

I guess, get enough fucking space between him and everybody else, specifically Sebastian Vettel, because if he basically, I don't know, I don't know how many fucking points he needed. I'm new to this sport, but he basically could have won the championship that day. So he's driving like a lunatic while trying to conserve his tires, which never fucking works, right?

That's like staying in a relationship because, you know, you got great sex, but there's no love there. Eventually, you got to fucking, you got to pull over. Just be like, why? What are we doing here? So his fucking tires end up, you know, start blistering, like my shoulders in the sun there, like my gingered freckled shoulders in the sun.

So then he pulls in, and then the big thing is like fucking, can he get out of the pits before Vettel comes around so he can be in front of him? And he's got Botos in front of him, Valtteri Botos, right? And you know, Valtteri, he's going to fucking do whatever Lewis wants him to do,

because evidently he's the fucking gimp on the Mercedes team. I mean, that guy's given away literally a victory this year to keep fucking Lewis happy, and Lewis is still walking around going, yeah, you know, I don't know what happened there. What do you mean you don't know what happened there? Is everybody's catering to your fucking needs? Sorry, you're going to have to wait another week

before you win the fucking championship. Jesus fucking Christ. Somebody get this guy some sparkly fucking Kleenex over here, right? So anyways, he gets out of the pit before Vettel does. It's so fucking exciting. My wife's going like, wow, this is really interesting. It's amazing. I can't get her to get into football,

probably because they can't hit each other anymore, right? But I think I might have got her into motorsports. I said, come on, yeah, this is fucking international. I mean, they have a race in Monaco. People pull up in yachts, okay? There's human trafficking going on in the bay as the cars are going by. And of course, this gets her excited because all she's seeing,

you know what she liked? She liked when Lewis Hamilton got out of the car. She goes, wow, he's really into jewelry. You know, I had her. I had her right there. It's going to cost me a bunch of fucking money. So anyways, Max Verstappen, whatever. Lewis starts working his way up through the fucking field.

By the way, Daniel Ricardo's fucking nightmare of a season continues. He's driving around. He's having a great fucking time. All of a sudden his car quits like a fucking Prius in the left lane. Remember that rumor? The thing just fucking dies.

And he pulls over and now he just gets, you just see him. We're driving for fucking Renault next year. Can anybody explain to me why that guy isn't going to be driving for Ferrari next year? Because they were trying to suggest that maybe Kimi Rakinin's not going to be able to. I can't fucking believe how much I might know about this sport. I love it.

Anyways, so they get down to the final five laps. Lewis Hamilton needs to pass Max Verstappen. If he does that, he'll have enough, you know, gap between him as far as like, you know, I think at that, what if Vettel come in fourth maybe? But with the points, he would have enough points to win. And he got to give it to Vettel and Ferrari. They're fighting to the very end.

They're like, fuck these fucking assholes. We're Ferrari. All right. That's what everybody fucking wants. They want a goddamn Ferrari. And maybe if you're a little bit younger, you want a Lamborghini. Okay.

But really, if you really look throughout history, elegance, styling, power, all of that, you got to give it to Ferrari. You just have to. Every kid had a fucking poster. Magnum PI. Did he drive a Mercedes? No, he did not.

He drove a Ferrari. Okay. People out there who got the first hair plugs ever. Did they buy a Mercedes? No, they did not. They bought a Ferrari. I don't know what I'm talking about here. Anyways, all I know is when you go to those Mekam fucking,

you watch those Mekam car auctions. It's not even like for like actually Mercedes, vintage Mercedes and Ferraris. They're not even at that thing. They're at that thing that Jay Leno goes to on that golf course up by fucking. What the hell? I mean, that that's like, that's like,

people know every nothing bolt on the fucking car. Or they have enough money to buy their ex-wife fucking three goddamn townhouses stuck together in Manhattan. Ex-wife, right? Pebble Beach. I mean, those cars are so fucking nice. So goddamn expensive. They drive them onto the golf course at Pebble Beach.

You know, like you go into the fucking Rose Bowl. So they, they, anyways, Ferrari had a huge day, I feel, you know, give me a break. Anyone has first, first race since 2015. Sebastian Vettel showing the heart of a fucking line. You know, you're going to have to fucking kill me if you want to win this championship. And I don't know, I probably, the best thing was watching

Lewis Hamilton trying to pass, pass Max Verstappen and Max Verstappen holding them off, right? For some reason, by the way, ESPN, get out of the fucking car when that's going on. You know, I, I, the fuck am I looking at here? I'm in the car, I'm not playing a video game. How can I tell how close they are if I'm fucking sitting in the goddamn car

and I can't look in the side view mirrors? They did it on the replay too. Anyways, but I also love that Lewis Hamilton, like how he had to make sure that, like, I got to make sure this guy doesn't fucking spin me out, you know, hitting my car, then I'll be fucked. So it was this weird thing where he had to be, like, aggressive but also cautious.

It was really exciting. I know a lot of you guys fast forward through any of that, but I'm so fucking sold in that sport. I love it. And I miss the fucking, I don't know if there was a MotoGP thing. What is it? Mark Mark has his fucking, he's running away with the thing. But it's still some of the best racing.

And next April, I got a car about some time. I want to go to that MotoGP race in Austin. But anyways, let's plow ahead here, everybody. It's the next thing I wanted to talk about. Oh, we'll talk about football here. So yesterday, the only game I really watched was the Patriots vs. the Bears. Because I only got so much time on my day now.

And, you know, I had to make up for that time I was away. And my wife didn't tell me when I was on the road, was saying to my daughter, she's at that age now, she was actually missing me. Like walking around, just going, da-da, da-da. And I wasn't there, fucking broke my heart. So anyways, I don't know. So I got to work smarter is what I've learned.

So I was just like, all right, this is football Sunday, I'm finally home. So what I did was I went out to breakfast, my lovely wife, my beautiful child. And I just taped a Patriots game. And when my daughter took a nap, I fucking watched the Bears Patriots game. You know, it took me like maybe like an hour and 15 minutes

to watch it, because I had the whole thing recorded up until like the final five minutes. And here's what I would do if I was the offensive coordinator of the fucking Bears. All right, Mitch Trebisky, I don't know if I said his name right. All right, very mobile quarterback and all of that. But at this point in his career, anything beyond 17 yards, as far as if it's like a pass, he's not accurate at all.

Now, I haven't said that. I remember Tom Brady, his second, the second year after he won the Super Bowl, his deep ball was not good. Okay, I'm not saying it was Mitch Trebisky bad. I'm just saying you can get better at it. The guy can fucking throw it 60 yards, as we saw in the last play of the game. He's just got to make sure that there's somebody underneath it

with the same jersey as his. Why didn't understand? Why didn't they just dink and dunk their way down the field? Had that Cohen kid or whatever coming out of the backfield. He was killing us all day. But they kept trying to throw like a 20 yard fucking pass. And like, I got to be honest with you. I mean, it really wasn't even close.

Should have dinked and dunked their way down the field. And occasionally just send somebody deep, have Mitch air the fucking thing out just to keep everybody honest. All right. And then you can utilize his running ability because we really couldn't stop the guy. I tell you what was annoying, what I really hate is when a quarterback

acts like they're going out of bounds and everybody pulls up and then the guy gets another 20 yards. I think on the next fucking play, you ought to be able to light the guy up. All right. It's a cunty fucking move and everybody flip. Oh, he's like, he's Barry Sanders. Yeah.

No, it isn't. It isn't. But one thing I will say, if having sat here and watched the ridiculous level of celebrating that goes on in baseball now and in football, especially in baseball like, dude, I don't fucking get it. These guys hit doubles and they're doing synchronized celebrating with the people in the dugout.

And back in the day, you never did that shit. If you fucking did that, your buddy who was bat next would be looking at you like, are you out of your fucking mind? And then he'd take one of the head. The picture just threw at the next pattern and it was just acceptable. Now you got these guys.

They're going up there. They got the face guard. They got the elbow pad. They got the shin guard. They're hanging all over the fucking plate. I would just love to hear what like Nolan Ryan would say about like about that. And then they're celebrating. They hit a single and they're doing little fucking jazz hands.

People in the dugout that pointed each other. They're fucking thumping their chest. You need to think they just won the game. That's what kills me. Like who's that guy on the fucking Patriots? I don't know anybody's name anymore. I got a kid, right? The fucking guy catches the football on a kickoff.

I don't know what it was. They're like scores like 10 to three or some shit like that, seven to three. I can't remember. He runs up to about the 15 yard line gets fucking drilled, coughs it up. And that other bears player, by the way, just fucking Johnny on the spot, just catches the ball. And he gives them like he coughs it up.

Bears get the ball on like the 15 yard line going and fucking score. All right. Absolutely totally fucked up as the kick returner. And then either the next kick or a couple of kicks later, same guy catches the ball. He runs down the field, goes all the way for a touchdown, slows down. And like the eight yard line to high five. Another fucking Patriot before he goes over the goal line as slow as humanly fucking possible. He's sitting there high five and like he's up in that game.

It's like, dude, that just made you even. You need to run another one back and run into the fucking end zone. I don't think they drive me. He's got world-class speed. Yeah, well, tell him to fucking stand on his head. Maybe some of that world-class speed will trickle down into his fucking brainstem. That's like when fucking Tripitsky was running all over the fucking field. And then we finally sack him.

And one of the Patriots does the shush thing to the crowd like he's been doing it all day. That reminds me way back in the day, Jerome Bettis was the king of that. Granted, he's a fucking Hall of Famer, so I'm probably wrong on this, but I would watch that guy and he would have like 30 yards on 20 carries. And then in like the fucking beginning of the fourth quarter, he'd finally rip one off for 30 yards and then he'd get up and start fucking stomping around like you've been doing it all day. I guess it's just a, I think it's like a generation gap type of thing. I've always liked the guys, they score a touchdown, they give the ball back to the referee.

You know, I just feel like everybody now is aware that if you make a good play, it's going to end up on Instagram, so you got to throw a little more fucking mustard on it. And then maybe everybody will forget about the rest of the fucking game. I have no idea. Anyway. There's a clown ahead here. What do I got here? I'm trying to look for the fucking advertising here.

All right. Oh Jesus Christ. I didn't, oh my God, the Kate Upton thing that I got was fucking hilarious. I didn't realize she was married to what's his face on the, on the Houston Astros. Anyways, my bookie everybody, my bookie. Sure, watching football is fun, but it's more entertaining when you have some action on the games. Guys, you heard me talking about this for weeks and some of you are still on the sidelines. Whether you're an expert or rookie, you should be betting at my bookie. If you're the kind of guy that likes to bet a little and win a lot like playing the numbers on roulette,

you can create a big parlay. I don't know why they use that roulette analogy. You know, when you gamble, you're actually trying to like use your brain roulette. It's like that. Big red, black, too many black and raw. Bet red, fuck it, bet green. You know, when you bet on sports, you got a system. Anyways, pick three teams to win.

And if he hit all three, he could turn $100 into $600. There's so much to bet on. Playoff, baseball, basketball, hockey, prime time, fights and more. I recommend these guys because I really trust them evidently. My book, my book, what the fuck? I never said that. I just read that my bookie has been in business for years. They've got great online reviews and their mobile site is easy to use.

My bookie is offering 100% bonus for the last time this year. That's right. You've been thinking about placing a, placing a pick all season, but haven't manned up yet. Huh? You're not gambling. What are you, a coward? Well, it's time to make, time to make your move. Jesus Christ.

After Sunday's kickoff, you can kiss the bonus, that bonus goodbye. Sorry people. I left my laptop in Baltimore, which I know sounds like a fucking tribe called quest song. They left their wallet in El Segundo. I left my laptop in Baltimore and it's being shipped to me. So I'm reading this off my phone and no matter how big I make the font, I can't read it. Also make sure to follow at bet my bookie on Twitter or Instagram. They personally respond to every mention in DM, not to mention that they've given away

nearly $10,000 in free money to their followers this football season. You'll be the first to know as soon as new odds and props are posted. Log onto my bookie right now. Don't miss out on your last opportunity to collect the industry's biggest bonus. Use promo code burr and you'll get your first deposit matched 100%. That's promo code burr. You play, you win, you get paid or you lose, you pay and you get yelled at by your wife. We've got to show you the other side of it, people.

All right. MVMT movement has come far from being crowdfunded kids working out of a living room. Oh, that's how two Broke College kids started a startup. They were crowdfunded in the past year. They've not only introduced a ton of new watches, watch collections for both men and women. Why didn't it say women and men? This is the male patriarchal system in advertising, but also expanded to sunglasses and fashion forward bracelets for her.

Talk about your favorite new style and its features, suggestion, revolver collection. Well, I guess they look like guns. Talk about entrepreneurship, what it takes for a company to reach exponential growth, our personal experience with it, et cetera. Yeah, you know, I'm not smart enough to do that. MVMT watches started at just 95 bucks. At a department store, you're looking at four to 500 bucks. MVMT figured out that by selling online, they were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup,

providing the best possible price. Classic design, quality construction, and styled minimalism. If relevant, talk about how a smart watch is overly intrusive on life with notifications, text messages, emails, et cetera. Not only that, you just microchipped yourself for the second time. What are you, Captain Kirk? You just need to know what time it is. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns free by going to MVMT.com slash Burr.

See why movement keeps growing. Check out their expanding collection. Go to movement.com MVMT.com slash Burr. Join the movement. Oh, look who's here, everybody. It's simply safe. Oh, we got a lot of them. I'm going to read this one and then take a break.

I'll go back to the podcast. Simply Safe Home Security is home security that finally gets it right. Simply Safe started 10 years ago with the mission to fix the industry. They cut out contracts, middlemen, and push these sales guys. They made it easy to set up your system with no hand wiring tools, hand wiring or tools. With Simply Safe, you get professionally monitored 24-7 protection for just $15 a month. That's your home protection by police dispatch and fire dispatch. Everyone loves this system.

Everyone loves it. They love how it works and how easy it is to use. Today, Simply Safe protects over 2 million people. They've won Editors Choice Awards from CNET, PC Magazine, and Wirecutter. Go to simplysafeburr.com today to order your Simply Safe system. You get a 60-day risk-free trial that's simplysafeburr.com. Simplysafeburr.com. S-I-M-P-L-I-S-A-F-E-B-U-R-R-D-O-T-C-O-M.

All right. No, you put in the dot. Is that how it works? Is that how it works? Anyways, plowing ahead here. What else did I want to talk about? Looking at the notes on my phone. Did I already lose it over here?

Oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. So anyways, I got to tell you, we took our daughter to a pumpkin patch yesterday, which, you know, that's a big mom-dad moment for you. First time you take your kid to a pumpkin patch, right? So my wife's going. She goes, when do you want to take her?

You want to take her? Sorry, before her nap or after? I go, a pumpkin patch seems more like a fall, you know, afternoon type of thing. So she goes, all right, we'll do it after. So anyways, we had gone to breakfast in the morning, and then we went to, whatever, she takes her nap. So now we're going to go. So we ended up going to this really nice part of town out here in LA,

and I want to out this fucking thing, all right? They say it's a pumpkin patch. Okay, now I know I live in a fucking city, but at the very least, you know, just try to fucking recreate some sort of patch. We show up to the goddamn thing. It's in the parking lot of a fucking CVS. They got a corner of it. There's a goddamn tent in there.

And when I tell you they had 4,000, 4,000 fucking people underneath that tent. And this fucking giant woman who she was like this size of chief, and one flew over the cuckoo's nest screaming at everybody that they had to keep this area clear. It's clearer. What? There's 4,000 of us in here. They got fucking goats and they got up there to petting zoo. And it's like swear to God, this little section, they threw some hay.

I got to give it to them. They threw some hay down over the fucking black top. And I'm sitting there like, all right, you know, when life gives you lemons, go into the fucking pumpkin patch of a fucking CVS who gives a shit. But my wife is sitting there going like, like, you know, this is why women are awesome, because they do the holidays right. You know, they're just sitting there like, you know, this isn't the fucking, this is not a pumpkin patch, but I'll tell you this,

they had some of the best pumpkins I've ever fucking seen. The pumpkins were fucking ridiculous. They were the kind of pumpkins that if, if there was a cookbook about shit you can make out of pumpkins, these were the pumpkin, they would make the cover. These were the sports illustrated swimsuit models of fucking pumpkins. So it wasn't all bad. All right. And that like six foot five woman yelling at everybody was fucking hilarious.

Because she was getting frustrated, but still trying to be nice. You know, and she's into this fucking tent. A goddamn head is almost touching the top of the tent. There was so much and I didn't have any fucking money and somehow in there they had a little ATM machine and I'm sticking my fucking credit, my ATM card in there going like, there's no way this isn't getting double swiped. There's no way some Russian Baron isn't going to try to fucking buys. I don't know a fucking pen and pencil set for his ex-wife with whatever the fuck I have in my goddamn account.

So anyways, she pulls the ripcord. She goes, no, no, no, no, we're going to go to this other one. So I'm like, all right. No problem because this is the new me. I don't fight this shit. All right. I've just decided I'm going to be a better fucking husband and I'm just going to argue less. And when you really make the decision that you're going to be a better husband,

the only real option is you're just going to agree with your wife. That's really it too. And in a lot of women applaud that where if it went the other way, like ladies, if you want to be a happy wife, just agree with your husband. It would be considered like really sexist and they'd be a kept woman's to stepford fucking wife or whatever that like bridgeport. It's some fucking town in Connecticut wife, right? Hartford wife. Anyway, Stanford, Stanford wife.

Is that what it is? I have no idea. Yeah, you just you just fucking agree with them. All right. And that's it makes it it makes it better because that whole happy wife, happy life. I mean, it's really like it's a joke. I do in my act. I go, it sounds cute because it rhymes, but it's a threat because it's literally if your wife isn't happy, nobody's going to be happy.

And that includes you, your kid, the fucking if you got a goldfish, it's going to start rolling over on its side. Like it's starting to die until she gets into a better mood again. So it's just like, okay, let's just fucking let's just keep it happy. That's so. All right. So we drive over to this other one and the old me would have been like, yeah, it's a fucking pumpkin. Get good fucking pie. There's a fucking I want to watch the late game.

That would have been the old me. So I don't I just do what my wife says and I get back in the car. Right. Fucking drive over the other side of town. There's next pumpkin patch. So we pull into the next pumpkin patch. There's no place to park. It's fucking crazy.

It's actually in a field. This fucking rides. There's a petting zoo. There's actually room for it. Right. I'm not a big petting zoo fan, by the way. All right. All I'm thinking is fucking, what is it, hoof and mouth disease, hoof and fucking goat horn disease, whatever the fuck it's called.

Right. And not to mention they bring the goddamn kids in there and they're sitting there like walking up. They got no respect. The parents for these fucking goats. They've had their horns sought off. So now they're standing there. Right. Like, like, like Luke Skywalker without his lightsaber.

Now he's just some guy in a bar. You know, I'm a Jedi. Oh yeah. Let me see some Jedi shit. Well, you know, I'd love to, but you know, my lightsaber, the battery, I got to recharge it. Just hang out for a second. I'll fucking, I'll have a sword fight with somebody. You'd be impressed.

Right. So we go in there and this, these people, they're just like, they're petting goats like their dogs. And you see the goats. The goats, they're fucking annoyed. One of the guys goes up and he's just stroking the beard of this one goat where I'm just like, you know, I'm not in the social circles of goats here, but that's got to be some high level fucking disrespect. You know, would you go into the fucking octagon at the UFC and start tugging on the fucking man bun and one of those fucking black belt human weapon lunatics? You wouldn't. This is what they were doing.

So my wife keeps telling me to let my kid pet the fucking things. And I'm like, so I just was holding on to her and I went perpendicular to the goat. You know, if it's an alligator, you want to come straight on because they got to turn their head to the side to fucking bite you. So you'd go straight up and just fucking, you know, pet it on the snout. I mean, if we're really going to do white people shit, which is walk up to shit and act like it's a fucking dog when it isn't. That's basically what we do in nature, right? So my, see my wife getting frustrated like I'm being a helicopter parent. I'm not a helicopter parent when there's fucking livestock, but I don't say that.

I'm like, all right, you know what? You fucking do it. So she's, she's bringing the kid in like all the moms and they got the fucking goats eating this hay to try to keep them happy and ignore the fact that people are stroking their goddamn beards, right? So all of these mothers are approaching from the rear of the animal. And all I'm thinking is one of these kids is going to take a single or a double fucking leg kick from one of these fucking, from one of these goats. So I'm sitting there trying to just fucking go from the side. So fortunately, nothing happened. And then all these people like, Hey, you want to go hit the food truck?

Like your kid just fucking pet a goat. You're trying to get goat pink eye. What do you, what the fuck are you doing? And they had chickens in there. Chickens. By the way, you could tell that this, these chickens were just for the petting zoo because they were regular size. Because I was sitting there going like, wow, look how, look how small it's, it's chest is, you know, as opposed to those fucking roided up ones. You know what I mean?

The pumping iron ones that are at the grocery store. Anyways, long story short, we fucking, before we get into that, we pulled into this, this pumpkin patch. And there's no place to park. And my wife goes, what's they have a valet? And I'm like, at a pumpkin patch? Like what happened to you that you want to valet park at a pumpkin patch? So we drive up this hill, way up this goddamn hill. And there's all these signs on the side of the road that just say no parking $50 ticket.

And my wife's going like, it says $50 ticket. I'm like, well, it's the price of doing business. What the fuck do you want from me? And then I'm looking at it and it's written on construction paper with a magic marker. And I'm like, I really don't think that's coming from the city. Right. There's all these other people parked here. Nobody has a ticket.

So we just park. So me, me and Nia just start laughing about this. No parking sign about how it's written on construction paper with magic marker. And we're going down the hill and we end up running into somebody that knew us, that got us in. There was this super long line and then we saw that there was actually valet parking. It was like, oh, they want, they want you to do the valet parking. That came from the valet people and the regular parking.

So they could get your money. So you wouldn't park for free. And we ended up parking up. So we went in there. We had the best fucking time. People were awesome. They treated you like a king. Can't thank.

I'm not going to, you know, say the name of the fucking place or whatever. I always feel weird out in that shit. But thank you so much for the way the petting zoo was awesome. I was just an overprotective parent, evidently. We got some awesome fucking pumpkins. I was pulling my daughter around in the wagon. And she's at the age now where she wants to walk. But once she got in the wagon, she sat in the back corner and was just chilling.

Was leaning on one elbow and she had her other arm fucking draped around like she was fucking driving a low rider. She absolutely loved it. And I got to tell you, one of the great dad moments of my life was pulling a wagon with my kid in it with pumpkins all around. And I'm just thinking like, you know, maybe that happy wife, happy life thing isn't a threat. Maybe they just know when it comes to this shit, the way I understand, I don't know, some guy shit. So that's going to be my new thing. All right. You know, if you want to buy 47 fucking pumpkins for the kid Halloween party, we're going to have because it's going to be great for their experience.

And you know what, we're going to get 47 fucking pumpkins. I'm done. All right. I'm not going to pull a Lewis Hamilton here and be like, you know, I don't know what happened back there. I mean, I think we only need one pumpkin. For some reason we got 47, but, you know, I mean, but it's tough picking out pumpkins are tough. I'm not going to do that. She knows what the fuck's best. And we'll just we'll just leave it at that.

We'll just leave it at that. I'm done. I remember a long time ago going to a cookout and talking to another husband. He just I said, so what'd you say? What'd you say to her? Huh? What'd you say to her? You know, some bullshit, right?

And he was just going, ah, man, he goes, you know, Bill, he goes, I don't have any more fighting me. And I was like, at first puzzled. But the amazing thing was, was I heard the peace in his voice and him and his wife seen happy. So I was just like, all right, maybe the problem here is me, maybe because if the house was run the way I was running it, it would look like a bachelor pad. And that's not what kids need. All right. So I'm going to shut the fuck up and make some pumpkin bread this week. And whatever my wife wants to do, I'm just going to fucking do it, hug her, tell her I love her.

And I'm going to try that. I'm going to try that. That road rather than fighting every fucking goddamn thing and being a that fucking guy in one of those hacky Hollywood movies about cops being that. I'm getting too old for this shit being that guy ain't not fucking doing it anyways. All right. Oh, and then another great moment yesterday was when we left the first pumpkin patch, you know, my daughter was enjoying walking around. So she was crying because now she's back in the fucking astronaut seat and tried everything. I gave her my keys.

I gave him my hat, all of that shit. And then that wouldn't work. So I just started singing to her and then Nia started singing along with me and then our daughter slowly stopped crying and then was trying to sing along. We were doing the, you know, where is pointer where is pointer here I am here I am. And my daughter always sings along to the run away like she knows that part. So we get through all the fingers, get through where's where is mama where is Papa, you know, where's my daughter and then we run out. She's done crying. And then we just saying old McDonald had a farm all the way to the next pumpkin patch, which was literally like a half hour away.

And what was funny was we ran out of farm animals and I was doing like penguins and giraffes because my wife was Nia was doing the the the sounds of the animals. And who the fuck knows what a what a giraffe sounds like. So she would be looking at me like you got really you're going to throw that in my lap. Like the guy on second base celebrating the other guys at bat being like hey fucking down everybody. I'm going to take a 95 mile an hour fastball to my fucking chin got over here. And you know what it was a great goddamn day we didn't have any fights so I think I discovered something. All these years of being with my lovely wife, evidently, I was the problem. And with that, let's do.

Let's read some of the the fucking the read the emails here for the week this week. All right, Bill great emails Louis. Hey Billy Butt Munch. Oh, my apologies to Kate up and I wasn't really trash or I just thought it was funny. Well, I feel like that's the last person I thought who would have chimed in. I did say that I thought it was cool that she was a baseball fan. So I just listened to your Thursday podcast. Your ears should have been on fire.

I yelled like a wild man. Keep reading you dumb ass. Keep reading while you were looking up Kate Upton's bio. If you only had read a little more, you would have discovered Kate Upton is married to Justin Verlander. Look at Justin Verlander crushing it on the field and off. He's a stutter and he's a close up. She's married to him and is currently carrying their first child. Hey, congratulations to them.

Justin, I learned something. Happy wife. Happy life. All right. So when you got you got major league ball player money and she's got her money too. So when she wants 98 pumpkins, which I also believe is the speedy of fastball, just, you know, just grab a second third fucking wagon. Just do it. I'm telling you, you love the best day ever.

Anyways, and it's currently carrying their first child. So yeah, she's she really likes the Astros baseball. Come on, Billy Bookworm. Don't make me yell like that. It's hard on my heart as always. Go fuck yourself. All right. I'm an idiot.

I thought it was cool that you I just thought she was a baseball fan. Anyway, I'm always the worst. All right. Michelin stars. Oh my God. Am I going to get trash for everything I said last week? Maybe a Thursday afternoon podcast and I heard you bring up the Michelin stars for food and I had the same reaction some years back when I first heard about it. For those of you who didn't listen, like I thought Michelin stars was separate from Michelin tires like the way a Macintosh stereo like the best turntable.

One of the best out there arguably is different from Macintosh computers and it's spelt differently. But evidently it was the same people and I'm like, why am I listening to the people who make radial tires so I don't fucking hydroplane? Tell me where I should go get some beef. Well, you know, um, so anyways, he said I had the same reaction or she said. Back when I first heard about it, like, wait, it's the same guys that do the tires. So I had to find out why a tire company became the standard for fine dining. Um, turns out the founders who are French, so I automatically love them started the tire company in 1900 when there were only about 3000 cars in the entire country. So to help drivers develop road trips, which would mean increased car sales and also increased tire sales, they started a guide that included maps, how to change a tire, where to get gas and places to eat and sleep.

Eventually they branched into fine dining in the 1920s or so. This has got to be the most informative and interesting email I've gotten as far as like correcting me. The Kate Upton one might have been the most hilarious considering all you Astro friends knew why she was chiming in. Anyways, one star means it's a very good restaurant in its category. Two stars is excellent cooking worth a detour. Three stars is exceptional cuisine worth a special journey. And I even think that that is like all of those are the way they're described are being extremely humble because if you get any star, as far as I mean, I don't too much about it, but like if you get three stars, you're one of the best restaurants in the world. So if you get one, you're a third of the best restaurant in the world.

I mean, I'm going to fucking eat there. Anyways, most restaurants don't even get the one star. So one star is pretty damn solid. There you go. Always. Sorry. Anyways, there is actually a one star restaurant right down the street from the comedy cellar on McDougal called Manetta Tavern. Oh, I've eaten there.

You've probably walked by this place thousands of times. If you haven't been there, it's definitely worth to stop in. Think it opened in the 1930s, not stuffier, pretentious, really old school place. Order the black label burger. I promise the burger and fries are going to be excellent. I'm doing that next time I'm in New York, which I'm going to be when I play Madison Square Garden on November 7th. Anyways, that's the Michelin story. Check out Manetta if you haven't before.

Hey, you know what? These are two really great informative emails. I love it. Thank you very much. Hey, let me let me finish the last two reads of the advertising here real quick. You guys want to hear me read out loud? You want to hear it be entertaining again? And then I'll go back to saying dumb shit about stuff and then you guys can correct me on the next podcast.

Dollar Shave Club, dude. Dude, the fucking Red Sox are in the World Series, dude. Playing the fucking Los Angeles Dodgers. You know, usually they go to the World Series and I'm like, fuck, if I was home, I would go. Now they're playing the team in my hometown and God damn it. I'm going to try to go to one of those games. And I will be not, I will not be wearing any Red Sox shit because it's just not fun on the West Coast. Okay, there's no fucking respect or anything.

People try to kick the shit out of you. It's Philadelphia times 900. I've had a problem at Dodger Stadium. I had a problem at a Chargers game and I've only heard shit, nothing good about fucking 49er or Raider games. And it's just like, they just don't get it. Sports fans out here really, they just don't get it. It's just, it's like violent. And so I just, I just go there.

I don't wear any of the shit and I just, I just leave it at that. But like people out here just, there's so much shit that's great about out here, but the sports culture is fucking horrific. So that's my warning to anybody, any Red Sox fan coming out here for a Dodger game, you know. I'm not saying 100% something's going to happen, but you know, it's kind of nice not to have brain damage. Wouldn't you say I would just leave you fucking shit at home and silently fucking cheer. I dress like a fucking undercover cop when I go to the games out here. All right, Dollar Shave Club everybody. Dollar Shave Club is everything you need to feel and smell your best.

And you never have to go to the store. Oh, by the way, if you're the fucking asshole who stands up and points, you know, when you're in the opposing team stadium, you're a fucking moron. All right, that's because they deliver everything you need right to your door and they keep you fully stocked on what you use so you don't run out. Here's how it works. Dollar Shave Club has everything you need to get ready, no matter what you're getting ready for. They have you covered head to toe for your hella, your skin in your face. You name it, they have it. And they have this new program where they automatically keep you stocked up on the products you use.

You determine what you want and when you want it and it shows up right at your door from once a month to once every six months. Plus with their handsome discount, the more you buy, the more you save. Right now, Dollar Shave Club has a bunch of starter sets you can try for just $5 like their oral care kit. After that, the restock box ships regular sized products at regular price. Get your starter set for just $5 right now at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Oh, look, stamps.com, everyone. Lastly, but not leastly, stamps.com never closes.

Print postage for any letters or packages at your convenience 24-7. Print postage for any small mail, for any mail class right from your own computer. The exact amount of postage every time, never underpay or overpay again. Stamps.com saves you time and money, which you use to grow your business. Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your fingertips. Buy and print official U.S. Postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. Stamps.com makes it easy. They'll send you a digital scale that automatically calculates exact postage.

Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. No need to lease an expensive postage meter, and there are no long-term commitments. And right now, you too can enjoy Stamps.com. The Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in Burr. That's Stamps.com, enter Burr. All right. Back to the Reads here.

No, not the Reads. Go back to the emails. All right, here we go. Kate Upton, Michelin Stars, Car for High School Kid. All right, let's see this. Hey there, Billy Bronco. Hey, how about those new Broncos that are coming back, huh? Those look sweet. I worked in a garage during summers of high school and college.

Not only do you see what cars aren't shit under the hood. Wait, I worked in cars. I just literally went to the fantasy of buying one of those Broncos. And the fantasy included my wife saying, absolutely, Bill, get one. You know what I actually tried to talk her into was letting me buy one of those old GMC RVs from the 1970s into the 80s. And I wanted it in that palm desert green. And I was going to have the dude who built my truck make this fucking thing. I was actually considering having it be all electric and then hiring a driver whenever I had a fucking road gig.

I just had that thing driving around. I'd fly to where it was and do a run of gigs. And we would just be in there and we'd have a fucking humidor and a fridge for some ice cold beer. And I put on fucking nine million pounds and my wife was just like, no, you're not doing that. And I was just like, okay. And it's good because I swear to God, if she didn't, I would have the shit that I would have. You know what I mean? I would argue that I would have one of the weirdest fucking car collections ever because I would own one of those.

I like station wagons. I'd have one of those fucking Mercedes Benz AMG fucking station wagons. You know what? You know what? One of these days I'll actually, I'll give you like my top 10 fucking cars because I really got to sit down and think about it. I like those fucking, those GM member, look up GM, General Motors, Parade of Progress. And look at those, those, whatever. What the fuck was that thing called?

Just look that up. Whatever that vehicle was called. It was like a fucking living room and a bus all at the same time. It had a spiral staircase that you walked up the Parade of Progress. Check that thing out. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Let me, let me finish reading this thing here. Not only do you see what I would have stretch limos from the 1950s.

The 1955 Chrysler Imperial stretch limo or maybe one of those ones that like John Lennon and Elvis had and world leaders had that was made by Mercedes. The 1960s, that really boxy looking one. Yeah, all weird shit. I wouldn't have a Shelby Mustang and a fucking Hemmy this and a Hemmy that fuck all that. That's all baby boomer shit. I have no interest in any of that stuff. I like that fucking weird shit. I like those Nash.

I like that fucking BMW that had like three wheels and the full front of the car would open up. He had to move out the steering wheel. I don't all shit like that. Now there's got to be somebody out there with a car collection like that. That you can tell me where I can go look at all those cars because I love all of that shit, man. All right. My advice for the anyways. Oh, the kid, the kid who wanted to buy the car.

All right, let's start over. I was in a garage during summers of high school and college. Not only do you see what cars aren't shit under the hood, but also cars that look lame real fast. My advice for that kid is to get something with low mileage from the 90s. Jeeps, lightweight pickups and anything you can find parts for and anything where you open the hood and the parts are identifiable. Don't get a Dodge neon or a shit box. Get something that looks new inside and inside and out. Get the oil changed every 3,000 miles and have it as long as you want it.

There you go. I used to do that. That's one of the big things. Changing points when I was a kid was I learned how to change the oil in the car, which is really simple, but it's huge. I would do it every 2,500 miles. I would be in the back east and be freezing fucking cold out. You had to do that thing where I tried it the first time when the engine was ice cold and the oil was coming out like syrup. So you'd have to start the car up, let it run a little bit.

You'd heat it up, but not too much where all of a sudden then it'd be fucking hot. But even then that wasn't bad. You just go inside for like fucking a half hour. And I had a little place down by the firehouse that used to take the recycled oil and I come down there. I dumped the shit in there. It was fucking beautiful. I learned how to change the fuel filter. Air filter is one of the easiest things.

Fuel filter, got a grease gun, the lube job, all that. So you didn't get all the squeaks and all that shit. Just basic maintenance like that and then I would bring it in. I never learned how to adjust a carburetor. I always got nervous with that shit and I would just, I do all that. However, one time I got in patient taking a fuel filter off and I snapped it off of the fucking fuel line. So then I had to get it towed over there and I told the guy over there what I did and he said I didn't communicate it right. And I had the fuel filter sitting on the bench seat and he went out there to start it up and gas went all over the fucking engine and we had a fucking engine fire.

That's when he said we had a fire. I was like, no dude, you had a fucking fire. And then he fucking yelled at me and shit and like I was going to sue him. He goes, look, I'm not going to start fucking doing a bunch of work on a goddamn car with a hundred something thousand fucking miles on it. And just yelling at me. I remember looking at the guy like, dude, I've been bringing you just my fucking car over here forever. That's how you're going to treat me. I'm not trying to be a fucking asshole, but I didn't know how to say that to him.

So I remember my dad told me, he goes, you go down there and you make sure you pay. So there's a record that your car was there and not. And sure enough, I went down and the guy said, no charge. I said, no, I'll pay for it. And he gave me a look because he knew that I knew what the fuck he was doing unless the last time I brought my car over there. Had it fixed somewhere else and long story short, at one point I had an engine fire and it fucking burned down to the ground. But that was years later. That was my first vehicle to 83 Ford Ranger.

Anyways, to be honest, the insecurity never came. Wait a second. Oh, it's a different, different fucking email. Oh, okay. So that's that's that guy's suggestion. It was too skinny, too tall. Here's the thing about the insecurity. Bill, I am what you would call a goofy looking bitch.

511, like 135 pounds and super awkward. I have a pretty face. So I'm told, but I've always felt weird about my body. Are you fucking kidding me? If you got into fashion, they tell you to lose 20 pounds. 511, 135. You sound lean and mean to me. To be honest, the insecurity never came from me, but from other people.

My earliest memory of, yeah, and that's probably their insecurity because you're probably taller than a lot of guys. My earliest memory of being made to feel weird about my body. I'm assuming this is a woman. Oh, they signed it. Olive oil. All right. My earliest memory of being made to feel weird about my body was when I was eight and a teacher said, I'm too skinny and look weird. Yep.

That's old school shit. People used to do that. I shot up in height since then and I've always always been mocked for either the height, weight or both. As a consequent, I've developed somewhat of a complex about it. I've been suicidal about it before. Honestly. Oh, Jesus Christ. Don't take it to that level.

You got the supermodel body. But then I'll watch some video about a burn victim and then feel like a real sack of shit. All right. So you got some perspective. I'm a girl, by the way. I forgot to mention that. And when I was in high school, I got bullied by this short guy. He said I was turning into a man once and I honestly cried my eyes out.

Oh, God, because you know what it is? He's a little fucking runt. And that's that's the thing. If anything, anybody in high school listening to that, like one of the best things you can learn in life is that so much. So many things that other people say really has nothing to do with you, even if they're saying it about you and has to do with the other person and how their parents suck or they feel bad about their own life. So, you know, like if you want people to not say mean shit to you, walk around happy. Have a happy look on yourself on your face. Like, you know, go out and enjoy yourself and you won't believe the fucking negative attention that you'll get.

And one of the great joys in life is the day you realize that it has nothing to do with you and you learn to just filter all of that stuff out. You're 511-135. I mean, I'm telling you, like, there's there's a lot of women that are going to fucking hate you because of your height and your build, because it's going to be hard for them to keep weight off. You got a tremendous advantage. Everything that all the clothes you're going to put on, there's a reason why models are so tall and all that because they look absolutely stunning in the clothes. And then they sell it to all of all the short fucking people out there. And then they never look right. Anyways, she said, my question to you is how do I get to a point in life where you don't give a shit when anyone says I get that I'm thin, but honestly, it's just the weight my body likes.

I'm not unhealthy at all. I have no health issues and my doctor isn't worried. Yeah. And the older you get, you're going to you're going to look great. And although that little runt who made fun of you, there's nowhere for it to go except for his fucking mantits. What should I do next time someone says something to me? I'm 22 and people at work feel comfortable enough to say shit. Like, did you have eating issues as a kid?

Jesus Christ, even a complete stranger who is asking for my help. No less took it upon herself to tell me I look anorexic. Yeah, no, that's that's all other people's issue. I feel like people think they can get away with shit like this because I'm not fat. You think I should just tell people to fuck off? Only thing is if I do that'll be I'll be in an argument pretty much one to two times per week. Thanks a bunch. And I love I love you and Nia wish you and the munchkin the best.

Go fuck yourself. Olive oil. All right, you got a great sense of humor. Just saying you're olive oil. There's a bunch of shit you can do. All right. I don't know. One of the things I used to do when I used to go out after shows and when somebody said like mean stuff to me,

I would just go, you got something between your teeth. And they never did, right? But it would just make them so self conscious. They'd immediately shut their mouth and put their tongue up over their teeth and then just fucking walk away. You can do that and just say I appreciate that and just, you know, offer them a piece of gum, you know, make it seem like they have bad breath. There's little things like that to turn it back around on them. I don't, you know, you know what it really what it's really going to be because then, you know,

I'm also suggesting that you kind of be mean to them. What you're going to have to do is just, you know, learn to like how you look. That's it. And just really know that that's all about them. I know you're at work, but, you know, if a guy said something to you, I mean, it's easy to be like, just be like, you know, I recently heard that a lot of things that people say mean about you has nothing to do with you. It has to do with them.

That's too long. Just be like, sir, are you saying that to me? Cause you're actually concerned or is it because your dick is the size of a fucking peanut? I don't know what the fuck you can go with dick size. That's always good. All right. This is some old schoolyard bully shit. Just go with the obvious.

They're going with the obvious on you. Oh, you can talk about my weight. Then I can talk about that giant fucking potato. You call a fucking nose in the middle of your face. You know, you know what's going to keep growing your ears and your nose just keep growing. You're going to look like Jimmy Durrani by the time you're 35. You don't know who the fuck he is. We'll look him up.

You cunt. Now, uh, yeah, what? I don't know. I mean, I'm going to give you stand up lines. You can't say I'm at work. If some woman said, he said, are you anorexic and just say, no, I just know how to push myself away from the table. You pudgy cunt.

You know, there's that you can do that. But I think it's really more important to just accept the fact that here's the thing. Your metabolism will slow down as you get older. You'll fill out a little bit more. And, you know, I mean, when I was 22, I was a fucking rail myself. And now look at the beautiful bald adonis that I am now at 50. Um, I don't know. Look at me.

I started losing my hair. I didn't go out and fucking, you know, try to start moving shit around up there. I just said, fuck it. I shaved my head. I just am who I am. And, you know, people call me a bald cunt now and it makes me laugh. I actually take it as a term of endearment. I like how I look and I know I, I'm not, you know, I'm not a good looking guy,

but I fucking, I like it. I like that. I look like a fucking freak. It's fun. And I actually enjoy aging. I bought this fucking old man's sweater the other day and my wife goes, what, you can't put that on. You look like you're fucking an old man.

I go, I am an old man. Let me be an old man and wear my old man's sweater. I run around the house and fucking sitting on the back porch smoking a scar thinking a glory days. You're 22 years old. You got your whole life ahead of you. You're going to run into somebody who's going to realize how fucking beautiful you are.

And I got to admit something, the fact that everybody gives you shit about the way you look, you're going to have a great sense of humor and you're going to laugh a lot in life. And that's going to keep you young. So God bless you and your 511 body, 135 pounds and everybody else can go fuck themselves. And with that, that's the podcast. And the rest of you can go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.