Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-23-23

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Bill rambles about the Green Machine, Brazil, and starting comedy today. ZipRecuiter:  Try Zip Recruiter for free with by going to www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR  

Choose Business, not boring, with programs ranging from fashion to finance, culinary to commerce, or golf to global business. Apply now at Humber.ca slash business. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 23rd, 2023. What's going on? How are you?

Ah! How's it going? Jesus Christ, it's the holiday season. I should already started my fucking Christmas shop. And I said, well, first of all, morning, good morning everybody, before I start going off here. Before I start flipping out, let me let you get a fucking sip of your coffee.

You know, well maybe you're driving down the street. You're some beat down fucking person, you know, one of those people that wears a raincoat every day, but you're not a pervert. It's just like party of mood. Like that Colombo guy just always walking around all shlubby on your way to work. You know, letting people in. That's a great way. That's a great way to get home and go to work. Just let people in. Go ahead, you fucking patient bastard. God bless you. Do

that get you five seconds closer to that thing you don't even want to do? Why are you trying to be early to something you don't want to do? Would you like to go in front of me? Fantastic. I'll get to work eight seconds later. And that's eight less seconds. I have to listen to every fucking idiot that I work with. That's one way I look at it. You know, that's kind of

how I deal with LA traffic. I just put on fucking relaxing music and I just let everybody go. Oh, go ahead, go ahead. There you go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's fine. It's fine. Go ahead. You go. You, you fucking compete. I tapped out. I'm, I'm driving.

I'm, I'm playing for a fucking number one draft pick next season. Is that kid coming out of USC? That's what I'm, that's what this franchise is going for. I actually was looking at, I'm trying to figure out some gifts that kind of like, like last year was easy. I think five and two is easier than six and three because they're both like you know My son's like almost like He's not a toddler. He's just like a little boy, but when he's four he's gonna be a boy and then my daughter is

Like gonna be like I feel like when she's like seven, you kind of like a big girl before, is that what happens before like a teenager? I don't fucking know, this is my first time doing it. So it's kind of like, you know, she's kind of getting too old for toys, but all like the electronics she wants, it's like, I'm not getting you that shit. You know, you're not going on the internet. I have always fucking weirdos, you know, I'm not getting you that shit. You're not going on the internet.

I have always fucking weirdos. That's not happening. And then my son, it's just like everything that I want to get him, he's not quite developed enough for. They put out a new green machine, by the way. And the green machine for you, younger kids out there, they had the big wheel. So you know, you know, work showies have to top it, right?

So then they come out with the fucking, they came out with the green machine. So not only could you come screaming down the hill and this plastic piece of shit, you could, they had like two handles or something. I forget how it worked. I know as you, you're like, pulled one of them and you of them you can do it a fish to always that was the element the the The big wheel after a while came with like a little handbrake on one of the wheels and you pull that thing

And when you were going fast enough It's what you got your first separated shoulder and concussion as you launched yourself off the fucking thing and shoulder and concussion as you launch yourself off the fucking thing. Yeah, there was a lot of that growing up. There was a lot of like getting fucked up with like toys and stuff. Although I do find it funny that my generation talks the amount of shit that they tell, like, this was with childhood. Like we're acting like we fought a war. We didn't even fight a war.

Right? We were in between Vietnam and the Gulf War shit, you know, other than that, that like, you know, very few people from my generation were involved in that, that, that, that, that 10-day war and like, was it 91? But other than that, like, you know, there was no draft. There was nothing. There was nothing like happening. If you grew up in the suburbs, like most of us did, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. And what every generation says back when I was a kid, it was great. And what it is, it's because you were young and there was no stress.

There's no divorce, there was no stress, there was no divorce, there was no taxes, there was no nothing. Of course, it was fucking great. Anytime was great. Unless you were born during wartime and people were fucking bombing your country, then it sucks. Other than that, yeah. Every decade's great.

If you're seven, I would take so. You know, I went to a, I went to an unbelievable fucking wedding this weekend. And like this, one of these towns, like you can't even believe it exists. Like the amount of shit that California gets from people who've never been here, I'm not saying to live here,

because they do tax the shit out of you. But everybody thinking that people are walking around with interchangeable parts and every other weekend they're becoming a different sex. So whatever the fuck you think is going on out here, that's not what's going on out here. I think this is a fucking great place to come out to, like all states are,

every state there's something great to do. As far as like, like, sleepy little town, wine, wineries and all of that stuff, in between, like, LA and San Diego and LA and what do you call it, San Francisco and then North of San Francisco. There's so many of these friggin' places if you're like married and you're looking to go do something with your wife where you can actually have a good time too. You kind of get, you know, and she's out boozing, drinking wine, so she's not going to get on you whatever your thing is. You know, cigar smack. Like, honey, you're doing heroin? Yeah, I mean, isn't that like your second bottle of wine and we've won a vacation vacation

Harrow would be fucking amazing if it wasn't addictive if you just could like do it and then just like walk away from it They've had done like any like anybody ever been able to do that It just seems like it's like It's like flying first class like once you do it. You can never go back I can't sit back there again. I don't want to do. I mean, you could do it. That's the scary. I think that that's what like,

why I would never try heroin. Because I feel like once you cleaned up, like the rest of your life, you just feel like you're flying coach. And a man of how good the cup of coffee is, no matter how good the sandwiches, it's just never as good as that first time. You fucking nodded off in a street corner

and almost got hit by a bus. Fucking evil drug, man. That shit was out of control when I was a kid. When it first came down to New York City, man, there used to be people just fucking, I mean, half the comedians in the city had a bit imitate and a fucking junkie nod off. And everybody like laugh and no one exactly what they meant, you know, they were people like you'd look at them

and you'd just be like, man, when you sober up, your back or your legs are gonna be so fucking fucked up. And the joke with all the comedies was is that the junkies never fell down. They never would fall down. It was like this, I don't know how long I had high on heroin last, but it was, I remember seeing this one fucking guy.

He's one of the coldest days I could remember in New York and he was standing there. He had a fucking t-shirt, jeans on, and sneakers with no socks. And everyone was waiting across the street just freezing their asses off. And whatever he was looking at that he could see, he was laughing his fucking ass off. Like tears coming down his face, he was laughing so fucking hard, he was laughing so hard, I started laughing.

And the guy didn't even have a fucking coat on. I was just like, dude, I didn't want to know, I didn't want to fucking know what you're on. By the way, somebody sent me this another fucking video of a goddamn shark attack where someone gets killed. You can't believe it. It's like one of the most horrific things I've seen. And the comments section, people are like, why did you swim away from it? You got to swim at it and fucking and then you can push it away. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Is that what you did when when a tiger came at you when you're fucking vacationed? You know what I would have done First of all you're swimming along and all of a sudden something takes a bite out of you. You're gonna freak out Right splash around like what the fuck then you're gonna have to have that moment of like, is this really happening to me? You're gonna be in shock and everybody else is like, okay, when that happens, what you do is you remain calm. You simply swim like, what do you mean swim at the shark? Where is the shark? Is it waving at you? After it bites you and then swims away and it's under the water and you're just swimming on the surface and you don't have a fucking snorkel and it's salt fucking water.

Exactly how are you supposed to determine where this fucking thing is? I don't know dude. You guys who swim in the fucking ocean are out of your goddamn minds. Out of your fucking minds. I know the odds of it are really fucking low, but like the amount of shit I get for like flying By people that will go to the beach is just like I think we've both basically picked our poison All right, so I don't need to fucking hear it from you So anyway, I went up with this wedding.

We were up there for a couple of days and had a great time, you know, hanging with the lovely Nia. And I don't know. I go back and forth with those sleepy towns up there. Sometimes I feel like I could live up there. I always feel that. And then other times I feel like I would go out of my fucking mind.

And then other times it's like, all right, I think I'd go up there and I'd like it. Then I'd go out of my mind and then I would get used to it. And then I'd have to be able to live in a city again. Because it looks amazing. Some of these places you go to, they don't even let like, chain stores and there's very few of them anyway. It's all kind of like mom and pop fucking places and shit. You know, and you get a couple of fucking lunatics, you know, those people with their politics in their front yard.

I love those people. It's like, who do you think those are the same people who are going like celebrities, she just shut the fuck up with their political opinions, which I agree with, unless you're just going conspiracy theory. I'm all in if you just want to say corporations own both parties. I can listen to that all fucking day. But I don't want to listen to this, this side's good and that side's bad. That's like fucking moron talk. But like the same people who are saying that, I mean, do you say it to your neighbor? You know, I like the people who just like around election times, they'll just have a sign up. Vote no on proposition to. It's like, okay.

I don't know what that is. I don't know who you are. Thank you for the fucking advice. What else should I do? What else should I vote for? Whatever. Why am I shitting on me? They're trying to, they're politically active.

God, that's gonna be a fucking major red flag. If you're back out there dating, I'm politically active. Anyway, yes, sometimes I think about that. I saw, you guys like going on like fucking real estate I saw you guys like going on like fucking real estate Websites and just looking at ridiculous fucking places You know I ended up looking at I always look at like farms You know I was looking like having like a barn. I could have my like my

Ford trucks out there Little podcast studio. Then I always think, all right, and then I record a podcast, I drive my truck around town and I would put it away and then what the fuck would I do? But then I think, well, what the fuck am I doing now? Live it in a city, I don't really do anything, I try to avoid people.

I don't know, I think if you don't grow up in the middle of nowhere, I think that's a real hard, that's probably the same thing. Like don't grow up in the middle of nowhere, I think that's a real hard. That's probably the same thing. Like, if you grow up in the middle of nowhere, which really every place is the middle of nowhere. Like, do I live somewhere because there's a fucking movie theater close by? Hey, look at me. I'm living somewhere. You know, look at that. Is that a Walmart? Yes, it is. I Can see that from my back porch. I am living somewhere. I think if you live in the middle of nowhere though, and if you came To the city you have to be looking at people like you got to be out of your fucking mind

Why would anyone live like this and sit in this fucking traffic and have to come up with a strategy, the mindset to just get home? I think we both look at it that way. It's a typical shit. And then they're in the middle of nowhere and they think we're all fucking assholes in the city and everything in the city thinks everybody's out

in the country, fucking a's out in the country. You know, fucking a yak, whatever the hell we say. Anyway, I don't know what I'm talking about. I didn't even, I caught like fucking 10 minutes of the Dolphins Eagles game. I missed all the football this week. Two weeks in a row, I've missed the football. And I gotta tell you, it's affecting my gambling.

It's affecting my gambling and a big goddamn way. What the fuck is going on with my phone, you cunt? What is going on here? There we go. Right now, I picked four games a week. I've yet to have a losing week. I've only had one winning week. Every week I've gone two and two.

One week I went three and one. So it's two games above 500 As of right now, I am all in three and I get the Vikings on Monday night. I'm not like against the 49ers I don't know what I was thinking so many underdogs won this week except for the ones that I picked I was impressed with the Arizona Cardinals last week against the fucking Rams, right? So I'm like, all right, they'll go up there, they're getting points against Seattle.

Seattle's a little touch and go, all right. I like this kid that the Cardinals have, they get fucking smoked. I'm like, all right, the Rams kind of had a problem with the Cardinals. I bet their coach hadn't buckled down. Steelers are pretty erratic. I'll take the Rams.

Fuckin' lose that one. Fuckin' assholes, Steelers. I bet on you. You lose. I bet against you. You win. Fuck them. You get like that?

At this point, by the time you get into October, this just teams you want no fucking part of. Pittsburgh Steelers, fuck them. These are, this is my, I went in my top three, fuck them list. The Colts, fuck them. These are, this is my, I'm gonna, my top three fuck them list. The Colts, fuck them. And then the whole NFC South is, I don't have time to, I don't even know what's going on down there. But fuck all that.

I don't know what Atlanta's gonna do from week to week. I don't know what the fucking Saints are gonna do. I'm staying away from the goddamn Panthers because they're gonna to upset somebody. In Tampa, you never know. Baker may feel we'll keep you in the game, but I don't know what the fuck's going on down there. So I stay away from all of that shit.

Those are my three, right there. Fuck the Steelers. Not saying literally the team. I just mean betting on them. And I fuck, I should have taken the pads man. I'm just happy we won, you know? Bill Bell checkers never lost three in a row since he's been finally that fucking happened.

I didn't want to see four in a row. So, you know, I don't know. So weird, AFC East is a fucking weird division this year. There's been like nine different storylines that everybody thought, okay, this is what's gonna happen and none of them have happened. So I don't even know, and I don't even think like anybody's even worried about anybody in the AFC East anymore challenging the Kansas City chiefs to go to the Super Bowl. I'd have to say now it's maybe the Ravens.

I don't know. I don't know. It's a weird fucking year. This parody and this entertainment leak that is in business with Vegas. I will never get over that, that they just all of a sudden did that. But I guess I should I should expect it. You know, it's the fucking NFL, their corporation, they just cannot make enough fucking money. They can't do it. You know, they already find out that fucking football causes CTE, do they give a fuck now?

They added another game. They don't give a fuck now they added another game. They don't give a fuck give us your fucking money You cunts Anyway, so I Got Reno coming up this weekend everybody Reno One of my favorite town. Really looking forward to that. I'm working with Joe Bartnik who has an unbelievable special a killing in Chicago. You got to check it out especially the intro which was totally Joe Bartnik's idea and it was directed by Ben Tishler, my writing

partner, that I worked with on a project that I'm not allowed to talk about. Yeah, that's it. All right, let me do the fucking reads here. I don't know how long this podcast is going to be. Oh, you know what? I didn't even talk about getting in shape. All right. I am trying.

I can do six pull-ups now. They're not pretty, but I'm getting it back. And I can get that fucking green shirt on that I was telling you about. Still, AB 7 and 8, they're just not there yet. They're just, they're under rubble, an avalanche of fucking bad decisions over the last couple of years that I have to fucking elliptical protein and lift weights my way out of. And I lost my umpteenth pair of sunglasses this year.

Sunglasses and umbrellas, they should just be complementary. You know, just laying around, you just take whatever and fucking leave whatever. Like, you know, those little things in the neighborhood, you know, you got those things we can just drop a book in, take a book, leave a book, take a book, just walk past it, no one gives a fuck. I don't know, isn't that what communism was supposed to be? Somehow that didn't work. There's a lot of people shitting on capitalism right now. I always love when people shit on capitalism. It's like, okay, what's your form of government? Let me guess, that's working.

It's run by people. It's not going to work. It's just not going to work. It's really not the form of government. That's not the problem. It's the people. Anyway, um, All right, let's, let's do the read here. Oh, look who it is. Everybody. It's all zip. Look, curtup. Right now, I'd like to give a shout out to all those people whose job it is to hire from the small business owner growing their team to the HR directors hiring hundreds across the nation You have one of the toughest jobs there is

I mean you're going a little big there one of the toughest jobs there is you want to be a firefighter and fucking California, you want to try to hire people Although I will tell you there are times, you know, I would imagine in a job interview, listening to somebody say their life story and you already know you're not going to fucking hire him, you're like, oh God, how do I, and they just keep going? And you're just like, when can I interrupt us to end it? Oh, fuck, that happened to me at the wedding. I ran to this person, the guy said, hey, I'm not a Celtics fan, but I'm a big fan of comedy.

I said, well, the Celtics don't need you to be a fan. They've won 17 championships without you rooting for him. So, what are you, a Lakers fan? And he goes, yeah, I go, what's that? Like, buying up the league every other fucking year. He goes, yeah, and he goes, yeah, that's brutal. He goes, you know, me and my dad, and I just looked at him, I go, this conversation's over.

And I only did it because it was somebody else standing there. And the other dude laughed, and then the dude I said it to just went like, yeah, he just walked away. He just walked away. He just walked away. He just walked away. He just walked away.

He just walked away. He just walked away. He just walked away. He just walked away. He just walked away. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Oh, try that out this week. Try that out on that fuck, you know, the guy was a nice guy. I was just fucking with him. It was just really had to go, you know, I had to go take a leak. So I just didn't want to, I didn't want to fucking listen to you and your dad's stories. I don't, I don't want to hear it. I don't care.

Um, this conversation's stories. I don't wanna hear it, I don't care. This conversation's over. All right, what am I doing here? I'm selling Zip Procruti. But what if I were to tell you that there's something that can make your whole hiring process faster and easier? Oh, Zip. Yeah.

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Hiring heroes. Did somebody fucking save a cat from a tree? Are we talking about veterans? Isn't everybody a hero? We need to normalize the word hero. I love when people we need to normalize. Oh, that means you're not good enough. So you want to fucking lower the standard for to find employers who post on zip get a quality candidate within the first day. Hey, you don't believe me. We'll go fuck yourself.

We have an earn some trust here, Kenny. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address and try for yourself. For free at ziprocruiter.com slash burr. Again, that's zip. G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G- Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Um, I gotta get on fucking stage this week, man. I got some shit I want to fucking talk about, man. Well, let's see what you guys want to talk about. Bill, great emails.

Let's see here. Big fan from Brazil. Does that mean you're fat? And you're from Brazil or you're a big fan of mine? Fat fan from Brazil, fat fucking fan. Hi, Bill. How are you? I'm from Brazil and I would love to see you here in the future. I'd love to go down there. Go down there for a F1 or Moto GP race. Once I heard you talking about on the Monday morning podcast about Brazil specifically, about Rio de Janeiro and what you knew about my country.

Unfortunately, some information are not wrong. I was hoping you could tell me I was wrong. When girls slash who is, they spelt at HOERS, who is, see gr at H.O.E.R.S. who is? See Gringo's, they will try to get money from selling their bodies. Yeah, they ain't gonna get anything from me. I am not going to another fucking hemisphere and stick in my dick and something. Even if I wasn't married, I'm not doing that. Okay. That ship has sailed.

All right. Well, fucking Billy Freckle dick is standing down if you know what I mean. And Rio de Janeiro is a very tourist city. You will encounter a lot of this. No, because I go down there with my wife and that would be all right. But I really want you to know the rest of the country. I'm from the South Corritiba and is a great city and it's nothing like Rio

But don't you have like Nazis and their 90s hiding out down there? Not really Brazil is a very big country with so many different cultures that I think you would love to know. I would love to know that. I would love to know what a Nazi felt like after he escaped and went down to Brazil and saw how absolutely gorgeous those people were, and how they didn't fit into that ugly fucking troll Adolf Hitler's plan. I wonder if any of them sat there and was like,

what in the fuck did we just do? What did we do? Why would we get rid of... Why would we get rid of... Well, first, why would you do that? But, you know, you know, only kill the ugly people. What am I talking about?

When I hear you, I'm shallow. When I hear you speaking about formula one and how you like to know history and legends, I recommend you do a search about, I don't know, Arton's Center. Well, obviously everybody, he's transcended the sport. I saw a whole thing on him. There was a great short documentary about him on YouTube,

Top Gear. Oh, Top Gear, that fucking cunt from England, about him on YouTube, top gear. Oh, top gear, that fucking cunt from England always shitting on Americans. I love that guy, because Americans is so stupid. Oh yeah, what are English people smart? When you walk down the street and England, that's what you see is intelligence. That fucking guy.

Saying that we're dumb because over here on our cars they like write it out. They have like the word what it is. You know. Over here we just have a picture. I think it's easier to look at a picture than actually read, isn't it? I mean you literally talk about literacy here. Like that's one of the dumbest points I've ever heard in my life. That guy has like a major fucking issue. I don't know what it is. He just always goes everything, I don't even go one show with a, it's like I get it.

You don't like America. You don't like American cars. You think we're dumb. We get it. You know, like how much balls does that take to do in your country? I fucking hate people. Why don't you shit on your own fucking country and see if you can keep fucking How much balls does that take to do in your country? I fucking hate people.

Why don't you shit on your own fucking country and see if you can keep fucking your viewership up. Fucking old cunt. With shit taste and cars, by the way. Anyway, love the podcast and go fuck yourself. I would love to, you know, I'm actually toying with the idea of doing a tour down there next year. I don't know how much I'll get to see, but I mean, from what I've seen as South America,

it just looks like a paradise. Gorgeous, gorgeous continent. So, I mean mean the fuck you only live once when I go down there. But I would like to, I wish I knew somebody down there. You know, I don't like going down just like as a total tourist. Like I like knowing somebody so they can, I so I don't end up in the time square of Brazil. You know what I mean? Am I going to be yet another jerk off hiking up to the Jesus figure up top and taking my picture, doing the the fucking peace sign? I kind of like the way that Jesus is standing up there, right? The Jesus. Is he doing the thing like he's on the cross or he kind of have his hands out to the side? I like to hand out to the side like what the fuck are you doing? Anyway, all right Bill, how do you win an argument with a woman? Well first things first you have to be right. This is just to have a, you know,

a chance. And it's not because they're better at arguing. It's just like, they just, you know, they just keep going and they start fucking being babies and shit. So it's just like, at some point, you're just like, what am I doing? All right, you're right. All right, greeting Bill Blumkin-Burb.

I'm a lesbian and I've been married for seven, you know what, I give up. All right, please tell, okay, I hope you really give me advice. If you're a lesbian and you can't win an argument with a woman, there's no hope for us. So please tell me, please tell me you have the solution. The answer to your question, okay,

I'm a lesbian and I have been married for seven years. Oh, shit, here we go. The answer to your question is, which is how do you win an argument with a woman? A woman, she says, you don't. Okay. That is a hard core truth. She goes on to elaborate. If you are the butcher of the two and the breadwinner, you are essentially the man and you get shit on like a man. Wow. Oh my God. I love my wife,

but I will never win an argument ever. Even with the most logical and rational talking points presented to her, I don't win. So you're arguing logic. Yeah, well, I can tell you that that sounds, I mean, in fairness to them, it's our version of logic. She argues with emotion and I don't, and I don't and I don't.

Emotion beats logic. I would actually say emotion wears out logic. Her favorite thing to tell me is just hug me and love me anyway. There you have it. Argument over just accept it. Go fuck yourself. Well, I would say that you've reached a level of enlightenment. You know what I mean? You can't tell me that you don't have some other lesbian that you can then that's in your situation that you don't call up and then vent to because that's what guys do.

that you don't call up and then vent to, because that's what guys do. When I'm going through it, I got my body that I call up. I call up my body, Verzy. And I just, what do we always say? It always starts with the same fucking line, just like you know one guy says is it is it ever enough from the other word just goes now never

just like what happened what happened um well i'll tell you this there is a way to beat him okay what it is is you you can't argue with him all right if you're wrong i stand right, if you're wrong, I stand by this, if you're wrong, you apologize. That builds up credibility. If you're right, you explain your position.

They come back at you, you explain your position again. They come back at you again, you just say, all right, fine, fine, I don't wanna argue. Okay. And then the ball is actually in your court. They'll do one of two things. Lee, the walk away at that point, or they just come at you and they go, well, no, we, we should like discuss this and blah, blah, blah. And then you just go, look, we discussed it. You don't agree with me. I don't agree with you. I don't want to argue. Let's just forget it. All right. And then if they say, okay,

then for the rest of the day, you're just sort of like there. I'm telling you, this fucking works. You're not happy, you're not mad, you're not excited, you're not sad. You're just there. You're participating in conversation, but you're not really adding to it.

And I'm going to tell you something. They know from the second you start doing that shit, they know why you're doing it. So then they're going to go through a couple hour period of pretending like they don't know what's going on. And then eventually they're going to ask you what the problem is. At which point you just say, nothing, what's going on. And then eventually they're gonna ask you what the problem is. At which point you just say nothing, there's no problem.

There's no problem. There's no problem. It just kinda seems like there's a problem. All right. And then finally, they'll just own up, what, are you still mad because of a blah, blah, blah, blah? And you'd be like, blah, blah, blah. And you'd be like, just be like, I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed. And then eventually they come around. It's the only way. But you have to go, you have to be willing. It has to be worth going through three hours to three days of that fucking bullshit. And the problem is, is if you're logical, you understand how short life is and it isn't fucking worth it. And then what you do at that point is you basically spoil the child. But I

appreciate and I empathize, I understand with what you say, but I'm telling you, if there's something you really want to win, just try the silent thing. Try the silent thing and then fucking come back to me and let me know how it works. And if there's any other lesbians out there, you want to write in, I want to hear from you. There's got to be a lesbian out there that's figured it out.

All right, touch a truck Dear bill Touch a truck. Okay on your most recent podcast you mentioned how much your son is interested in buses Police cars trucks, etc And I'll always talks about how he wants to drive them I'm not sure exactly where you live But in many cities people organize events called touch a truck where all the vehicles he loves gather in one area for kids to climb on,

get inside, or get behind the wheel. Can I issue a question? Who is the person that named it that? Touch a truck. You should never have touch in kids and adults all in the same fucking, it's just something creepy about that. What else would you call a bill?

Get in a truck, that sounds like kidnapping. All right, it's a tough fucking cell. I get what you're saying. I like this. I will say I'm a little weirded out by the fucking name My kids love going to them and I'll bet it would be a great way to spend a day with your son Just wanted to give you the heads up and say thanks for all the great stand-up and podcasts. Oh, thank you. Well, I'll say I stumbled upon one of those

accidentally one time and I was taking them out to get the kids out to get ice cream and I pulled up and there was all of these fire engines and a couple of like other town trucks, you know, thing with the bucket, you know, to go fix the telephone pole shit. And my kids like freaked out. They had like the best time in that thing. So I will look up touch a truck As long as it's just a truck All right, don't want a corporate job. What's going on? Oh, don't want a corporate job. What's going on? Old Billy advice

I'm a 19 year old college student and I'm caught between getting a corporate job and trying stand up. However, with everything being recorded now, I don't want to say anything that would negatively impact my chances of getting a job in the future if comedy does not work for me. I feel like it's a huge risk. You came up in a Mickey Mouse era of comedy where if you said something bad

in the 80s, just starting out, you could move on with your life. What are your thoughts? I'm interested in why you called it a Mickey Mouse era. There was certain areas. That area was better, but as far as people finding out who you were, the only way you could do that was you had to get on TV. And there wasn't a lot of opportunities. So there was good and bad, but it was definitely, I will be honest with you, I don't think anything that you say in the standup world is gonna fucking prevent you.

I mean, from getting what fucking job? Like what job are you going for? Where if you're on stage going like, you know, what the fuck is with people with their cell phones, filming everything? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, what do you plan on saying? Look, if you go up there and you're just like, overtly fucking racist or something,

I would imagine, you know, you can't run for public office, but that's kind of an amazing thing that you're between a corporate job and trying stand up. Are you conflicted on, my simple question is, what is your dream? Do that. If your dreams have a steady corporate job, I've clicked it on my simple question is what is your dream? Do that. If your dreams have a steady corporate job, I would do that.

If your dreams try and stand up, I would definitely do that. Like never try and stand up because you're worried that it's not gonna work out and it will affect your corporate position. It's that's not a good way to look at it. And also, like the fact that you called, like when I came up a Mickey Mouse era that made me laugh, and you kind of ball break.

And so you seem like you're funny to me. And I can tell you this, Ace, for me anyway, as a fucking stand up job, is way more fun than a corporate job. Comedians don't hire corporations to come in and entertain them. It's the other way around. You know, they need entertainment. My job is entertaining. As much as I'm working, I am almost, yeah, I'm closer to 32 years than 31 years in this

and I'm loving it and I'm having more fun than I've ever fucking had. And believe me, there's a lot of shit that I can say on stage that could affect allegedly allegedly, you know, other areas in my business. It doesn't just, I mean, my business is also corporate. When you get in business with like a studio or something, that's a fucking corporation. And, you know, you can say the wrong thing, and but I never think that. I just think the wrong thing is not saying and doing what you want to do.

This whole, you know, like, that's gonna overtly affect, advertly, adversely, overtly. Jesus Christ. Adversely affect your career, then why the fuck would you wanna be? Listen, I understand every job has parameters. You know what I mean? You can't be a lawyer and going out like,

hey, I like doing blowing fucking hookers, you know, filming myself and putting it on my Facebook page. My TikTok fucking, totally woo-ooly-ooly page, whatever, right? I obviously understand you can't fight this, parameters, whatever, this parameters, what the fuck I do. Like as much as I go on stage and act like a dick, I don't want to hurt anybody. I'm not trying to like fucking, you know, spread ignorance or anything, although some people would say that I do, I don't know, you know,

I, I, but I also, I don't know, it's kind of a tough one for me to answer, but like, you're 19 years old. Okay. Any stupid ass country company that that is gonna hold what you said at 19, you know, against you like I even feel like that's going away. It doesn't even fucking make sense. I'm 55 years old. I can't even remember what I thought when I was 19. All right, and I'll tell you, I am a different person at 55 than I was at 50. I'm way different. I never tried mushrooms. I figured myself out as far as like what the fuck is wrong with me just within the last five years. I'm hoping with you, you figure it out now hoping with you, you figure it out now or whatever, but I wouldn't, I don't know, I think you should try.

You seem funny. You came up on a Mickey Mouse error of comedy, where if you said something bad in the 80s, just start now, you could move on with the, yeah, that's funny to me, I don't know. Anyway, the person goes on, says, are all comics when they were younger, the equivalent of the kid throwing 90 miles per hour

as a 13 year old or dunking parentheses at being funny. Look at that. That's a great analogy. You're a smart person. If that's the case, maybe I should focus on a corporate job. Good, and you have low self-esteem. I mean, you got, you have the whole fucking recipe here. You're funny, you're making great analogies,

and then you're shitting on yourself. If you came out of the gate and you're just like, I'm one of the funniest fucking people you ever going to meet, I'm like, this guy's a hack and he might end up stealing jokes. That's what I would think. But I'm not getting that. I'm getting strong stand-up comedian vibes from you. And those stupid ass corporate jobs are always going to fuck it be there. And I could tell you one thing. I don't think I've never met somebody that has a corporate job that loves the fuck a job. You know, they like the money, they like the perks. But I don't think that anybody

I've ever met is just like, unless they're just after money. Like I don't understand what the satisfaction is in a lot of fucking pain with the broad brush. You know what I mean? Like these fucking people that like they go into a corporation in the job, you know, I'm going to save this corporation money and they fucking fire a bunch of people and then tell everybody who's left, do all the work that was being done by 100 people now with 25 people. And then all the money that they save, they then give to themselves as a bonus and then they walk away and they can actually feel good about themselves as people are fucking lunatics.

Whatever, I don't know if this is a man or a woman, but I think you should, I definitely think you should try. You're also fucking 19, yeah, young, it's great time to try it out. Just think, I didn't start and tell, it's almost 24. You love almost five years on me. How much better are you gonna be than I was at that age? And look where the fuck I got.

I definitely think you should go for it. I believe in you. How about that? I believe in you going out and taking a fucking chance. All right, there you go. All right, well the podcast is a little short this week. I don't know what to talk about because you know I have some things going on in my life that I'm just with this strike. I'm not allowed to talk about. So it might be it's a little short this week.

That's what she said. Am I the only one still left that still does to that? That's what she said. Am I the only one still left that still does to that? That's what she said. Me and the lovely Nea do it all the time. And it's such a stupid joke. We still think it's funny. You know, and it's like the kind of thing that you need in a relationship. You have to have your own jokes.

That's the part where Oprah just goes, I like that. You guys, yeah, you should need that. Let's build a show around that. Are you just writing a book about that? You have to yeah, you should hear that. Let's build a show around that. You just write a book about that. You have to have your own jokes. Yeah. And then everything the crowd's like, yeah. And then the book comes out and everybody reads it. Yeah. Yeah. I really think Oprah if she wanted to, there was a moment there where she could have taken over the world.

She would just be like, you know, 40's the new, yeah, I'm 40 now, 40's the new 30, yeah, yeah, 40's hot, yeah, whatever she said. I don't like hamburgers, I should need those. Yeah, no, no, people just, you know, all these steer farmers were like sewing her. She had so much fucking power. That's a fucking, an unbelievable audience that she had. Just people at home at that time of day, when she didn't use to come on at like four o'clock.

Like what is that crowd? That's not the crowd that's watching in the morning, because I remember I used to go on, I never figured out that crap. That was the biggest fucking waste of time when I was playing comedy clubs, when they were, hey, we got some morning radio was fantastic. That moved tickets. Those fucking local radio guys that were the, the fucking show, the morning show in that market,

if you went in there and you weren't a dick and they liked you and you fucking, you know, were cool self-deprecating, you rolled with their bits, and you built a relationship, those fucking people like, you know, radios, what got me going, selling tickets. But those morning TV shows, oh my God, you would go in there and they would literally be like jugglers.

There's always some sort of chef or with some fucking weird. It's candy. It's international candy cane day and to celebrate candy cane Jane is here and they say, you know, you're like, you're like standing behind this fucking island. I remember that on International like pancake day. I was standing there like I was on the, was that the chop, chopping it up. How dumb is the celebrity chef? What the fuck are you doing?

Get back in the goddamn kitchen. You dumb fucking clogs and your ponytail. I know I just described Amrall, not Amrall, the goddamn kitchen. You dumb fucking clogs and your ponytails. I know I just described Amrall, not Amrall, the other one, the other guy there, the fucking, the red baron, the orange crush, old pork sausages hands, the well method. Fuck as a guy's name. Mario Batalli, Motsomario, my favorite fucking cooking show.

Okay, I don't know what to add. Look, you know what I'm saying? There's a lot of shows that I would still watch, but I don't approve of what happened afterwards. You know, fucking. Multimario, the Cosby Show. multi-mario the cause be show uh... partridge family i don't know i don't know the third fucking example whatever

what what what do you want for me now that seventy show i can deal with the show what i'm saying you know i still have a mario battalion fucking crock pot thing, whatever you call it. It's called the Me Too Pot in my house because it has the M, it says M M I think on it.

It's that fucking, it's like that, what a little Ford used to have trucks the same color, that sort of pea soup green, these devils in the early 70s those two tone ones the fucking sixth generation Ford F-150s and F-250s anyway I think I'm out people I just don't think I have anything else to talk I have so much to talk about that I can't fucking talk about. And thank you guys for it, but I'm not allowed to do that right now. And that's it. So I'd like to spend the final eight minutes, but I'm not going to do it. My Boston Bruins beat the fucking LA Kings. I don't know how they did against the ducks of the San Jose sharks. I taped those games. I'm gonna sit down and fucking watch those. I heard the Celtics are looking good. My Patriots won, you know, whatever, two and five. I don't give a fuck, you know. We'll get there. You know,

if we don't, whatever, we had a great run. Oh, we're gonna win forever. I ran into this Boston guy at the wedding. And that's what he said. He goes, you know, what are you gonna do? I mean, we had a great run. It was fucking unbelievable. We got to experience sports bliss. And, you know, I wouldn't say it's over. I'd say there's a lull.

You know, I figured the Celtic's got to push through sometime in the next decade. Who knows? That's a weird game though, basketball. I don't know why right now, but I feel like I'm in minus muffler. I'm just waiting for them to finish the fucking muffler. This isn't good. This isn't good for the podcast. You guys need to get on with your day. All right. Do what I'm doing. All right, try to fucking lose weight during the holidays.

Don't start the year with that fucking, as far as like a guy goes, you know, you know when your belly connects to your back tits, like your back tits are right on your fucking hips, when that just becomes a whole circle, like you have like a fucking inner tube, you know what I mean? And the funny thing is if you don't fucking yank your slacks up, then your ass crack is showing in the back.

It's just a bad, it's just a sad way to go out inadvertently moaning people every time you try to tie your fucking shoe. All right, that is the podcast everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for buying tickets and supporting the projects that I do. It means the world to me because when you do that, I get to continue living this great life. A talent jokes and supporting my beautiful family. So thank you so much.

That is it. Go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday. All right.