Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-11

Episode Date: October 26, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Europe, Home Depot, and having a dick.

with the metaverse firefighters will one day be able to use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings saving them crucial seconds when lives are on the line the metaverse may be virtual but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact hey what's going on it's bill burn it's the monday morning podcast for monday october 24th 2011 i'm actually doing it on october 25th that's two Tuesdays in a row and i saw all you guys bitching about it on the twitter oh what's it called is it called the Tuesday morning podcast l m f a o o m g epic fail oh go fuck you i know i understand i'm a little i'm a little late this

week i'm a little bit country i'm a little bit rock and roll remember that bit on the donny and marie show huh those two creepy Mormons just so fucking squeaky clean it made your skin crawl they came they like there's a there's like i i believe everything is round you know what i mean round like one of those fucking wailing divas booties you know like you can be so good you actually come around again you become evil you know like some of these oh Jesus freaks where they get so against abortion that they go out and they commit murder but let's stay away from that all right i think i've said enough things about the bearded baby haven't i so you're probably wondering going hey bill this is two weeks in a row

two weeks in a row what's the deal um i was actually flying back from stock home sweden yesterday and i went from stock home had to fly to zurich which is in switzerland switzerland and um board the plane there and then it was a 12 hour fucking flight all the way back to la and uh you think they just go a straight shot right across the ocean that's not how they do it you know because the earth is shaped like a 50 year old um bowler you know you know when you get fat as a guy like we just put it all on in our middle that's like the equator your belt buckle so you know that's the longest way around so what they do is they did it even make sense i don't have to i'm fucking punch drunk it's like 6 34 in the morning

out here it's which is like i don't know what four in the afternoon the way my head is at right now the way my head is at where my head is at right now and uh but it's pitch black out out here in la we got it bill you jet lagged stop making fucking excuses if you're not funny why don't why don't you go take a fucking nap don't waste our times our times don't waste our time oh Jesus um so anyways how they fly your back is they actually go fly up towards the Arctic Circle it's quicker way around the globe mate we went right over the fucking was it Iceland then over Greenland and then we came down over the Yukon territories in the Manitoba Saskatchewan fucking Alberta and then back into the states um i don't even know what

the fuck i'm talking about but i had a great time over there i want to thank everybody who came out i would like to say kitos to everybody who came out in Finland i'd like to say tack to everybody who came out to Stockholm Sweden and i'd like to say thank you to everyone who came out in London and thanks to people in Copenhagen and Oslo because i didn't learn how to say thanks in danish or uh osloanian norwegian you know i thought it was funny i was actually being over there after a while you started to pick up a little bit of the language but uh in typical american fashion i mean i wasn't over there long enough i just started speaking my own language in what i would always i would say hello but in an accent i would just go hello for some reason i would

start talking like that and like if you say hello over there they know that you're you're an american or whatever that you're that you're speaking English because they either say hey really quick or hi hi say hi hi in fucking Stockholm Sweden it's hilarious you stand there some grown man goes hi hi and then a police car goes by um but it was an amazing experience and uh i sincerely want to thank everybody i have fucking amazing shows over there um if i do say so myself oh billy boy fucking killed it over there uh thanks to charlie murphy he told me before i went over there he said go hard son they can take it so i said fucking i'm gonna do my shit like i'm standing in the middle of Tennessee and that's what i did and it worked out uh perfectly

and uh the most interesting thing the most interesting thing about the tour was uh when i would bring up hitler i gotta tell you if you want to learn some history bring up hitler in europe because immediately people are it gets fucking weird in the room because basically wherever you go in europe for the most part he either completely bomb the shit out of their city or the city you're in was on the same team with them and there's a little little bit of guilt because i've been doing this thing where i i am i am on a mission to get joseph stalin to get a little more credit in the complete maniac psycho

category you know what i mean like anytime they make a list of the top fucking psychos ever hitler is always at the top you know what i mean it's like one of those rolling stone best guitarists ever they're always gonna stick hand rick so robert johnson at the top you know which i guess is right but i don't it's like what the fuck the guy killed he killed 20 million fucking people stalin did hitler only killed six million you know wouldn't you think if you killed three times as many as the guy that everybody's saying is the most insane motherfucker ever that your name would get thrown around a little bit more i don't understand it you know what i mean you know what i mean what's the deal you know it's you know what fucking germany i guess

killing people in germany is like completing a couple of passes for the new york jets in new york city right eight off hitler is the mock sanchez of fucking he's the mark sanchez of fucking mass murderers you know and when fucking uh i don't like i guess killing 20 people in in russia is like throwing for 400 yards in seattle like nobody gives a shit you just got i mean you know but you have like uh throw for 200 yards in new york you know what i mean and then they end the game if i can make it there i can make it right with all those fucking self-blowing songs that new york city has concrete chagol that dreams are made of right so anyways i learned all this shit

about uh about hitler so i i went to fucking oh and i made an ass of myself because of course i don't know anything i don't know anything about fucking norway sweden copen hey demmark fucking uh finland i don't know anything about him all i know is sweden and finland have a lot of nhl hockey players that's all i fucking knew um and as far as my world war two knowledge i knew that hitler and musolini were part of the access powers and that hitler fucking bombed the shit out of england and then i also know that he went head to head with the russians and they retreated right before winter and the nazis chased them in and then they got surrounded just like in uh a bronx tail then they closed the door right as it started to snow and then they

said once now you can't leave yeah everybody's gonna sound like a nazi by the way because i don't know how to do any in a russian accent already anything you know wait didn't i know one da i do i used to play syphon filter this video game and there was this part that i couldn't get by i couldn't get by this mission and every time i hit reset like you had to sneak down the hall and there was this russian scientist who was calling back to his female assistant she would say something you know strovia is some bullshit and he'd be like da i do um anyways i'm a moron so this is what i learned in in finland this is their deal they sided with germany okay so they get shit and it's embarrassing because it's embarrassing because they went with

the guy who killed six million people to fight the guy who fucking killed 20 million people i don't know it's fucking they were basically if you look at look at them on a map on they basically had the unlucky position of being between two of the biggest mass murderers in the history of the world simultaneously okay so you know they didn't have an army big enough to fuck with either one of them one on one they needed to make an alliance so now you're getting into self-preservation this is how it was told to me in finland now i know there's a lot of jewish people right now listening going oh fucking abraham whatever whoever the fuck you pray to who is your jesus wait a minute jesus was jewish right i don't fucking know anyways

he uh so this guy told me over there basically that they they had to make a choice and they chose germany you know which he tried to say like we weren't down with that nazi shit we were just trying to make sure that the russians wouldn't take us over and basically germans helped out the finnish people and they put up this fucking lake placid epic fucking battle against the russians and they defeated them which is an unbelievable embarrassment to this day to the people of russia this is the way it was told to me in hell sinky all right and i am a typical fucking moron because i didn't read up on any of this one guy told me this shit and now i'm gonna present it as fact so um i don't know anybody read about world war two what do you

think about that because when i look at it on paper it's like i get it okay you got two you're in between two psychos you got to make a choice who you're gonna pick all right the germans make an unbelievable fucking car you know they're fucking you know they're they're an incredible tank they had they they were like the fucking steve jobs they were like uh they had all the shit and they were in russia what do you got you got a bunch of fucking people drinking vodka who do we want to go up against we want to go up with these guys who have tanks that drive like porches oh we want to fight these fucking drunks who got fucking dish rags tied around their their army boots what are we gonna do here so i think it was like a uh it was a fucking self-preservation

thing for some because i think somebody like you sided with germany and just the second you do that you they automatically go oh you're fucking you know you're anti-semitic and blah blah blah i'm not saying they weren't not saying they weren't i'm just wondering is there another side to it where it's just like listen we were trying to avoid being nuked so it was a shit decision we had to make i mean is there a right decision in that why don't i fucking read up on it instead of being so goddamn lazy and then having you assholes read up on it and fucking tell me about it all right so that was their deal all right and uh then if you go over to sweden sweden remain neutral i really oh by the way i brought i brought up hitler which bombed in

finland and i guess someone's backstage going does this guy realize that we were in an alliance with hitler in world war two and it's kind of embarrassing at this point and i'm standing up there typical ignorant american the fuck you know what are you guys into hitler or something i'm making fun of the guy oh i remember doing this bit like like hitler's always fascinated me in that i don't see the charisma i just see an angry sweaty ugly man who has completely lost his composure during the middle of a speech why didn't anybody go like this guy's a fucking spaz this is the guy we're handing the keys over to to bring us to glory you can fucking kid me this little runt by the way people are

tallest fuck in scandinavia and and in all those uh norwegian countries by the way the amount of like five foot two inch children that i saw you know who was so young like their voice hadn't even changed it like fucking almost eyeball to eyeball with me going i want to get some legos in stein over the fuck you say it's fucking freaking me out like i'm just about five ten i'm like average height so i've never had an issue with my height over there i felt short you know it's kind of like Nebraska where everybody out there is like 300 pounds and looks six foot four and looks like they play for offense offensive line or some shit yeah like oh i i see it seemed like over there like six foot one was like the five foot eight

or five foot nine over here but anyways so that's how i embarrassed myself in in finland i was going who the fuck would follow this guy and evidently finland did it all right that was more on move and when i was in uh Copenhagen i can't remember if i told you this story i brought it up i i called them danish i said that the people of denmark were danish and then i lost confidence in it because nobody said anything and i go i'm sorry danish people from uh amsterdam i didn't say the netherlands i said amsterdam and then i go what are you guys den markians i knew that was wrong but then i found out after the show that they

actually are danish um oh oh and it continues when i went in sweden and i never told i didn't tell anybody this i walked out on stage and said hey it's nice to be back here in switzerland and everybody laughed thinking i was joking and i wasn't i always get them confused they both begin with s they're both in fucking europe they both have those blonde haired blue eyed once you want to open the bank account yeah not what was the irs okay they will cost you two golden shrunken um so evidently in sweden what they did in world war two was them in switzerland they remain neutral and before world war two i guess sweden wasn't shit they were just eating potatoes and that was an irish accent ah Jesus i'm all over the map here they were eating potatoes

and fucking meatballs and you know mashed potatoes and all that shit they had nothing going on so their big thing was they became powerful after world war two evidently and this is all told to me by swedes other comedians and we were we were all drinking at the time by the way i lost my sobriety in europe as i always do but i'm back on the wagon i've decided that i i drink in europe how fucking obnoxious is that buddy you didn't lose your sobriety you took it and you flushed it down the fucking toilet yes i did yes i did i was in uh what now was i i was in norway and you're having a just fucking amazing like meal and everything they were bringing over was just tasted great and

then they had this wine and i said you know what i wanted to go a year it was a year and two days and i decided to end the streak much like cal ripkin jr and he was like all right you know i went out like cal ripkin jr i didn't go out like brett farf you know laying there like i just got hit by a train i didn't go out like that i had two glasses we want to hear it you want me to confess everything i had two glasses of wine on monday then i didn't drink for two days and then i had one beer in finland tried one of their beers uh delish then i went to sweden the next night and i had one of their beers some summer summer ale no pale ale that's what it was and then i and then i had some single malt scotch and it was delicious and i enjoyed it and i'm done and uh

uh yeah that's it it's good it's actually good because when i go to europe now i think about drinking but when i come to the states it's all been washed away like i'm in the states i don't drink here you see that guys i i don't have a problem um oh jeez um so anyways sweden let's get back to these motherfuckers and i know and i want all you guys all you finnish fuckers all you swedish sons of bitches all you ocelotians and kopenhagenites to uh please send in more world war two information because i don't want to read about it you know what is going on with my fucking recorder come on now all right so sweden this is their deal they ain't shit they actually used to own norway and then norway got their independence in 1905 right

this is one of like the most moronic fucking history lessons you're ever gonna get uh uh so anyway so sweden wasn't shit and then in world war two they basically remained neutral and allowed the nazis fucking board their trains on their way to norway uh to fucking take over norway i guess and they would just be like won't we see nothing just like uh sergeant schultz on hogan's hero and evidently they sold weapons to both sides huh see that it's all the same shit doesn't that sound familiar if you honestly look at a certain country's foreign policy um wait a minute you went out there and you armed the world

and made one oh that's fucking interesting all right let's let's continue here um um so where the fuck am i in this this absolute shitstorm of me trying to remember what these fuck these guys told me okay so they totally sell out norway so the nazis go in there they start kicking the shit out of people because they have fucking they got these Porsche target engines and they're goddamn tanks you know everybody else's tanks like right and they're shoots just like they give you like 60 miles of fucking hour oh it's it runs so smoothly yeah right and they just fucking bombing the shit out of incy bits creek right bombing the shit out of

people then what did they do the fucking nazis evidently go okay we need to insert a a new leader and they put in this vid con quisling um who uh i guess was total nazi sympathizer and that type of shit they put him in he he shared their fucked up views of jewish people and uh he actually turned over jewish people to the fucking uh nazis that's what he did and he's so infamous now and he's known as a trader in norway and evidently his last name is quisling that basically if you're if you're a piece of shit and you sell out your friend it's called a quisling dude you want to talk about just fucking soiling your family fucking name you were such a cunt that you make your surname basically a uh oh god i'm gonna be dumb again what's the

fucking word you make not not a euphemism a uh an expression for being a sell out trader piece of shit um and there you go and that's basically that's world war two in uh scandinavia in one norwegian country of finland that's basically what happened oh you know what's funny about finland finland kicked the russians ass but because they were on the side of the germans at the end of the war they still had to play like fucking reparations and they lost the city and they had to give a sit turn a city over to russia even though they kicked their ass um now let's get let's get into shit that i learned about as far as their uh oh my does that mean my battery's gonna die i think my battery's gonna die here because it's starting to fucking crap out over here um this is one thing

i've learned as you travel fucking countries whatever country's border other countries they don't like each other the same way you don't like your roommate you like him at first and after a while the way he clears his throat or fucking you know his whiny voice so the fact that his girlfriend is coming over too many times after a while you just fucking hate him right so uh i guess the swedes look down on the finnish people like the finnish people they're like the blue collar people they look at him like fucking whatever and then finnish people just think people from sweden are gay because evidently the way that they speak you know i guess they have a sing songy way of speaking i it was too overwhelming for me like all that all that shit all sounded the same to me but uh

i don't know man it was fucking amazing i learned all this shit do you know that norway vulva comes out of sweden right in norway at one point was i guess so behind the fucking eight ball financially that they actually said because they'd gained their independence from sweden and they actually said at one point that they could have that they would give sweden a portion of their fucking country if they could own 50 percent of the vulva car enterprise and sweden said go fuck yourselves and then like i think two weeks later they discovered an unbelievable amount of oil in fucking norway and now they're all rich as fuck it was like it's like the beginning if you don't understand this just watch the opening song to the beverly hillbillies it's the exact same

thing it was shooting at some food and up and down a bubbly and crude oil it is right so now they became super fucking rich and oslo was like ridiculously expensive it was like nine thousand dollars american to get a quarter pound of cheese and i'm barely exaggerating it was like fucking ridiculous so evidently now in norway all those jobs like working at a seven eleven you know helping people cross a crosswalk handing out flu shots all those jobs nobody wants to fucking do all those jobs are done by swedes this guy in sweden goes yeah we've we've become like they're mexicans like we drive across the border do jobs they don't want to do and then drive back or live in little shitty apartments out there um what is finland export you ask no key of phones

and angry birds that's them copenhagen i don't know what they do and that's it that was my fucking tour of uh of i don't know i don't know what all um Scandinavia plus finland i learned finland's not part of scandinavia did i tell you this last week i don't give a shit has any of this been funny i i know it's been interesting especially if you if you haven't read any bit of history because this is all sounding factual and fascinating i don't know how much of it is right but if you don't like it blame uh i can blame me i don't give a shit i was gonna say blame the fucking swedes who told it to me that night um hey it's nice to be back in switzerland everybody oh and i was like uh shit sweden that's right switz swede the fuck you want from me um we'd

like you to be accurate bill we'd like you if you're gonna fly for 14 fucking hours to actually realize where you are in the world um so anyways uh once again i know i was just joking around on all that bullshit i want to thank everybody who came out it was a fucking unbelievable tour slash education i think you guys made me a little bit smarter yet a lot dumber because i have all these new subjects that i could talk about that i don't really know anything about and um finland to me was the most interesting because i was basically 300 miles from the russian border and you know flew over the Baltic sea and it was like i could really there was definitely just a different vibe out there like they they got this whole vibe

out there that they don't have any rich people in their country which is fucking hilarious because they have banks you know and i guess in finland the big thing is uh you know if you get money you don't you don't show it off that you have it so it's like how the fuck would you there's no there's no fucking way because one thing i learned doing this tour is people are fucking people and like relationship shit that i was talking about oh my god she tells a story and it goes on and on forever and i'm so fucking bored fucking destroyed 300 miles from the fucking russian border and i'm like this is the exact same shit just speaking a different language so um completely forgot my point here with the fuck i was trying to say oh i know yeah so they're trying to yeah so you're

sitting there telling me there's no rich people there there's no way that would mean that you have no greedy people and no sociopaths somehow you managed to have millions of people in your country you know yet you only have non-greedy people it's just complete bullshit i gotta i gotta show you guys this picture of this on the french Riviera Riviera Riviera Riviera that the uh the Rothschild family built this fucking house out there okay and i want somebody in the banking system to tell me how you legally and i know it's legal but you know there's no honest fucking way you see this fucking house this villa all right this thing is like the size of like nine boston public libraries it's absolutely fucking gigantic and this is like a cottage

they they are the biggest fucking crooks on the on the planet they are the biggest fucking crooks on the planet i truly believe there is plenty of money even if it's telling me that i'm a socialist now because i went over there well fuck you i felt this before i went over there there is enough money people there's enough money for all of us to have health insurance there's enough money for all of that shit okay if these cunts at the top weren't taken all of it i truly believe that but i am not dumb enough to believe that if you just give everybody the same amount man everything's going to be cool it isn't there's got to be a way where you can adjust capitalism well you can't have like you know four robber barons taking everything and then all of the rest of us dealing

with the trickle down effect but on the same level you can't just give everybody like it doesn't make a difference whether you try or not you know you still got to have it's like the camaro you know you got it you can't just have this everybody gets a z28 there's got to be the rally sport there's got to be the burlenetta and there's got to be the z28 there's got to be a little there's a little stars on your forehead as to how well you're doing you know does that make any fucking sense all i gotta tell uh my fellow americans if you ever get a chance you have to fucking go over to europe and uh do it when you're young and if you're old who gives a fuck get a babysitter tell your kids you love them you know you'll be back in a week go fuck yourselves don't take

any shit just like how i end my podcast and definitely go over there uh we landed in switzerland and uh went on swiss air on the way back and i just watched a bunch of videos about switzerland and uh it would be an absolute crime if you never fucking go there in your life the french riviera any of this shit and i know i'm sounding like some elitist cunt but i'm i'm not i'm not i am i am ignorant of all of this shit i went over there it's it's fucking incredible and uh and you know what's funny is when you travel over then that type of shit when they start giving you shit about being an ignorant american you know most of the times you're more traveled than they are they do the exact same shit they don't travel as much as they try and act like they do you know

and when they do they don't really go that far you just go like just look at a fucking map you could fit like the majority of europe in texas you know so they that's why they they get to rack up all these fuck oh i've been to fucking germany i've been to france i've been to it really i've been to rhode island newy new hampshire my voice cracked and all of them um whatever all right i'm done talking about europe i hope you got i hope that didn't bore too many of you but it was fucking amazing and i told all you sons of bitches over there that i was gonna uh i'm i'm gonna be doing this this every year so every year you guys you you're on the list now

i'm doing the uh i'm gonna do a whole run over there i think i might add iceland the next time and uh i'm actually thinking of going over there twice a year i'll do the the u k one time go all the way through it i'll go through england wales scotland ireland and then i'll do uh Scandinavia the fucking Norwegian countries do all of them and just hop right across there and i found a new fucking place that i want to go to the faro islands faro e i want to go check that shit out i gotta bring nia too because she gets freaked out by nature faro islands basically seem like the galapagos islands of the fucking north all right i'm i'm done being a fucking liberal elitist cunt here all right let's let's uh let's get on with the podcast here this is the

monday morning podcast by the way if you're just tuning in uh we are not on itunes okay because you know what happened was basically i got banned from itunes and then steve jobs died so i'm kind of like pete rose i'm in that situation where pete rose got banned by the commissioner and then he died right after that and now nobody wants to reverse that guy you know but how do you go against steve jobs the guy was a uh a genius at telling people to invent stuff as far as i can tell like wouldn't it be cool if a computer could do this i want to know where is the guy who actually sat down and made his ideas come true what about those guys you know he's like the lead singer but then the guy who actually did all that shit he's like the guy playing keyboards or the drummer

or maybe the hired gun i maybe like the hired gun like that guy yeah dizzy who was in guns and roses towards the end remember that is he left and then they got a guy dizzy yeah was there any was there ever ever a worst disintegration of a band than guns and roses they came out they had their five fucking guys and then the whole thing and just all went to shit it was like mash when they had like three guys left after the fucking first season it was never the same bj honey cut give me a fucking break all right let's let's continue on here uh bill uh just an update regarding your advice you gave me about telling my friend about his cheating fiance uh i vaguely remember this this guy called up and basically said a buddy of his was

engaged to this girl who was cheating on him and what should i do should i tell him and i finally just said yeah tell him so you have a fucking clear conscience so here is the update the other week i was high eating a big mac and he should have just said the other day i was in florida and doing sales calls for my job when you read my advice letter obviously i almost crashed but my manager but managed to call my friends that knew the story who also agreed to write you an email about it long story short we talked after we each listened to the podcast i love that you guys had a meeting of the minds after listening to my dumbass and the friend that presented the bad news to us broke the news to our friend oh so we fucking told him uh he could uh and i guess the buddy

he confronted his fiance and as expected things were only bad for a few days uh he doesn't really go into detail here come on details what happened you can't leave us hanging so you confront your friend and what does he do he obviously must have been like dude what the fuck are you talking about and then he goes and tells his fiance said things were only bad for a few days bottom line we all got exactly what you said we needed a clear conscience sincerest sincerest thanks billiam all right well i hope he had the brains not to marry her please tell me he did that just let me know just yeah come on dude you can't leave us all hanging in here this is like a soap opera now are you guys uninvited to this wedding that shouldn't happen

or are you out there drinking with them now trying to teach him how not to pick another fucking uh poison toad whore let us know let's let's have a follow-up i'm i don't know about you guys but you know this is like i just saw a great pilot episode of a new show i want i want to see the rest of it all right here we go uh next story is fake fatty dear mr burr on the whole fat person topic i wanted to chime in with the quick story of my own last week i was on the subway fucking around with my phone when some woman gets on the train and stands in front of me from the corner of my eye i can see that she was pregnant i remember her rolling up her shirt like we were on a beach and she was trying to show off her physique

that's kind of weird and she began to squeeze the bump like some strippers squeezing her breasts together i started to gather my shit when i noticed something about her bump it wasn't a pregnant chick she was a fat fuck pretending to be pregnant she was excited when she saw me getting up and once i saw that hairy greasy bouncing tub of shit a lump of shit on her lower stomach i remember feeling nauseated by it all i then sat back down jesus christ the beautiful chick sitting next to me saw the whole thing and called me a jerk i didn't say anything because i didn't want to start a confrontation with her so i just sat there so the beautiful girl began to back gather her stuff i guess to make a point and get up but then something caught her eye and she sat back

down i guess she realized that the woman still squeezing her fat together wasn't pregnant uh the woman sitting next to me didn't apologize and neither did she have to she probably would have vomited the words anyways the woman pretending to be uh pretending to be pregnant sucked her teeth walked away and mumbled some racist shit under her breath anyways why are fat horrors now pretending to be pregnant um i don't know about that dude i think you saw one crazy girl uh and also you know something reading that story halfway through it she might have been a fat fuck who got pregnant maybe that's why she was lifting up her bat belly to be like look not only is there a bunch of fat hair there's also a baby in here she had a baby man um maybe she was pregnant i have no

idea but that is really a fucking weird thing that she would pull it up and start mushing it together especially if she's early on in the pregnancy i mean what's that doing to the kid yeah jeez that's disgusting all right and here's the latest you know have i lost all momentum in this fucking podcast you know the old me would have described some fucking first trimester fetus getting squished um but not not jet lag bill not jet jet bag lag fucking bill who can't even talk here who's sitting here giving a goddamn history lesson of a part of the world he knows nothing about absolutely nothing all right uh all right here's the new the new hot topic here on the Monday morning podcast dilemmas all right number one bill would you rather have a three inch penis and make

ten million dollars a year or have a ten inch penis and only make thirty thousand dollars a year your penis size and salary can never change i take the three inch dick and the ten million all fucking day long you know you know it's fucking overrated just having a fucking giant dick and fucking a bunch of women because eventually you're gonna get old i know you guys are thinking like this guy out of his fucking mind i maybe it's just because i'm old now and i don't give a fuck it's just you know what you want you want a nice house you want to find a job that you love and you want to fucking make a bunch of money out of it and then you want to get the sickest grill ever and then invite your friends over and have a fucking barbecue right what do you do with

your big dick and your teacher's salary huh what are you gonna do fuck a cheerleader and getting trouble that's all the big dick's gonna do you know what maybe that's why you only make thirty grand a year because you're too busy fucking everything i would definitely i would i'd take the three inch or jesus that that would be brutal though that would be brutal though uh when you first uh coming of age you know i guess maybe not then because uh hopefully you mess around with a girl who hasn't seen a bunch so she doesn't realize you know then she i thought it was supposed to hurt the first time that was actually rather pleasant um yeah either one of those scenarios would suck but uh you know dude how long in all honesty how long does fucking last be honest

let's say you're really going at it come on to to really fuck for a half hour or more come on consistently consistently and i'm not talking about when you're fucking 18 and every time the wind blows you know you're fucking aroused i'm just saying you know you go in you do you know what you're doing it's like you're walking in home depot you're not wandering around you know where shit is you go in you get it you go up to the register a fucking end deal is done um yeah i would take the three inch penis all fucking day long if i have a 10 inch dick and sleep on a futon the fucking life is that be an old man with my long fucking elephant trunk dick and my white pubes on top of it poking out the hole in my fucking tidy whiteies looking like the goddamn

elephant man down there i don't want to fucking do that shit fuck that this is gonna surprise you guys ask me more you're gonna really be surprised something would you rather put on a jet's jersey this is number two and walk up to tom brady and tell him to his face that he's the most overrated qb quarterback in the nfl or wear the same jet's jersey and walk up to mark sanchez and tell him with the straight face and in sincere voice that you think he's the greatest quarterback that ever lived i would do either one of those i would wear a jet jersey and tell mark sanchez he's the greatest quarterback that ever lived because he wouldn't believe it he knows goddamn well he isn't i wouldn't give a shit i had actually i would i would walk up with the jet's jersey

and say that tom brady is the most overrated qb ever because that's probably happened to him nine million times i think every time he walks into a stadium there's somebody with the other team's jersey on tell him that he's overrated and then he's a fag because of his haircut and yada yada he doesn't give a shit i would actually do that i would do that and i would say something even meaner and and i would do it right before the jets played the patriots and then i would fucking bet a thousand bucks on the patriots because brady would come in and slice your fucking throats that was an easy one sir um you got to go a little harder all right number three hey bill i got a dilemma for you yeah that's the topic by the way dilemmas bill uh classic pain

versus disgusting one uh right here would you one take a 70 power mike tyson straight left to the bridge of your nose nose with m a mma gloves on or lick the dump that one of his disease bag pigeons leave on your windshield and it's fresh oh no question i'd lick the fucking bird shit without a fucking doubt i would lick the whole fucking thing i'd lick the fucking windshield clean rather than taking 70 there's no fucking way that dude i'm old now i don't have pride i have brains and i want to keep him in my head that's the the young man says i take this the 70 power punch both mike tyson and then what are you gonna do after that with your brain damage what are you gonna do i would do the bird shit and i would invite all my friends and i would film it like jack

ass and watch him laugh their ass off and if i puked i'd let mike tyson kick me in the ass either way i would be way ahead in the wind column by not taking that dude i got a little nose it would not exist if he did it would it would be like a little paper hat and he would just flatten it and i would look uh i would look apart african american by the time he was done with me that's how much he would flatten out my fucking little pointy german nose no fucking way no fucking way am i ever because the thing about mike is not only does he know how to fucking punch he has that he goes in and out of crazy he'll say some of the most insightful shit you ever heard in your life and you're like this guy is a borderline fucking genius and then he will just slip into this shit

where you're just like okay um you just start looking for you know extra exits in the room i like i'm saying this like i hung out with him that's how intimidating he is i've just watched shit there so there you go you know you know what i should start doing i should start uh we should start having like a football pool you know we should start posting these these uh dilemmas on the mmpodcast.com and then you guys try to guess which one i'm gonna take all right so there you go you got to see me play a couple of games here you know what sort of scheme i'm running let's see if you can let's see if you guys can get my fucking head all right advice on enjoying football i'm guessing this is soccer or maybe this is american football

i don't know i haven't read these fucking things bill i have an advice question that could affect the podcast um okay could you somehow explain the appeal of football to someone who finds the stereotypical football fan extremely offensive to clarify i enjoy seeing feats of athleticism and well-laid strategies unfold as much as the next man and i'm told that football has both of those things i think all sports do however i find that i cannot even begin to enjoy watching football for the simple fact that i find the stigma of being a football fan to be offensive oh god well you know what dude your who gets offended oh this this guy's he's a pompous all right here we go you know the mental image shirtless harry and somehow balding

what do you mean somehow balding a lot of people are balding um you mean yet balding harry body yet balding beer bellied face painted screaming morons uh i was hoping that perhaps you sir with your apparent knowledge of the ins and outs of the said game as well as the hoity toity new englandly over educated person accent that you sometimes you're in security there i sound like a fucking moron could explain the appeal of football in an objective way to the rest of us assuming the answer is not if you don't like football go fuck yourself um well look sir you're doing what everybody does okay you're defining football fans by the worst of football fans and it's not your fault it's like that shit i said about the raiders you go to a raider game not

everybody is dressed like they're gonna go see uh whatever that what is that midnight madness movie that everybody likes to go see at two in the morning that i've never seen that i always use as a reference i don't know like not everybody at a raiders game is dressed like they're in a fucking musical the rocky horror picture show they're not dressed like that okay most of them just have like a raider t-shirt on maybe a fucking jacket and they just go into a football game and anytime they pan to people in the crowd they got to put that douche you know who's dressed like shabaka you know or those guys going this is our house and this week we're gonna fucking do and they try it's like you're fucking loser they're fucking losers yeah i don't know what that that's

not what a football fan is and also sir you don't have to go to games at this point you can get yourself a nice high definition tv that's cheaper than buying season tickets you can get surround sound you can get a grill going and you can sit there in the comfort of your own fucking home and enjoy the goddamn game all right but um i don't know i hate the word offensive and that's that's my fault that's that's on me because just being a comedian the amount of people the kinds of people who use that fucking word i find that like a fence have it's like now you you don't find it fucking offensive you just find shit that bugs you offensive you're not the kind of person who's easily offended you're fucking selfish so this is i don't know if it makes sense

guys i just get off a fucking plane i have no idea look dude if you want to watch football i would just i would watch it at home watch it at home pick a fucking team and i would watch college football i'd start with that and then work your way up to pro or just stay at the college level it is a fucking great game read up on the game don't be some douche who paints his fucking face in his chest and then just watches the ball and roots for a color um it's all how you do it you know there's a lot of people out there who hate stand-up comedy you know because they define it by the worst of stand-up comics so um i don't know i hope that help you i know i gave you a little bit of shit and i hope i didn't offend you but uh yeah that's what i would do

i would watch it at home like i don't go to sports bars anymore i don't they are a sea of fucking morons and uh it's for the worst of sports fans they're there for the sports fan that wants to sit there and it's just waiting for the first play that their team does that actually you know goes well where they gain like eight nine yards they're just waiting for that to happen so then they can then turn to their right or left and just go all day all day right they're morons the only good thing about going to a sports bar is seeing the girls who go there and dress like strippers with a football motif like they tie off jerseys and wear like thigh highs and they just i don't know what they're doing i think they're just enjoying people leering at them um why they would pick that low grade

level of a human being to lure at them i have no idea maybe they have some sort of middle middle age gang bang fantasy you know and they wanted everybody to be dressed like vikings but vikings don't exist anymore so they're gonna get gang banged by some minnesota viking fans i don't fucking know shit food you know the other the other tv screens are so fucking loud it bleeds into the game you're trying to watch it's just i don't i don't like it i don't like it and then i find that most people in there uh if they have they know a lot about the game it's because they play fantasy football so they're just stat regurgitating morons and they can't really talk about the game oh is bill an arrogant cons when it comes to sports bars all right let's go let's move on advice bill

let me start by saying uh like your podcast thank you uh you're definitely but i will try my best to keep the show short and sweet here's a little background first off my friend is a listener of your podcast and always and as well what first off my friend is a listener of your podcast as well so i'm i feel him hearing this on your part podcast will catch his attention as he realized how it exactly relates to him ah very very very well played sir so rather than you walking up to him and having the confrontation you want me to do it for you okay you hear that podcast listeners evidently one of your friends has written in and has a fucking issue with you so let's all pay attention shall we why don't you scoot your fucking driver seat up a little closer to your

dashboard let's pay attention ignore the fucking lights just you know drive like 35 miles an hour that's that's a great speed plenty of time to fucking swerve uh my friend my friend uh decided to have a kid with a girl he thought he wanted to be with let me just say capital letters bad fucking idea uh this girl is off for fucking rocker for sure i understand that most females have maybe insecure tendencies i think most human beings do to be fair but this bitch gives it an entirely new definition um it is to the point it is to the point that she literally dictates who we can and can't be friends with on various social media websites as well as the rest as his real life yeah this is and whose fault is that she can dictate all

she fucking wants he doesn't have to listen to it but if he goes all right okay that's that's on him uh the real point of my story comes now uh well thank you for wasting my time are you just painting a picture sir um i recently engaged in a debate with this girlfriend about strip clubs oh jesus was that a mistake um now i suppose different patrons i suppose different patrons of strip clubs have different reasons for going but this girl has this twisted fucking idea of what actually goes on there the strip club topic came up because a few of my friends and i were planning on a night a night out which included a possible trip to the strip club uh once my girlfriend found out this was a potential destination she flipped the fuck out for lack of a better word uh this triggered

a huge facebook debate where she insisted that guys go to strip clubs to get horny and if her boyfriend wanted that why doesn't he stay home and get some action from her well why else would you go to a strip club you are horny you have an inability to uh get a woman naked that night and you give up you just say uh you know what fuck it why don't i just pay one to do it and she'll rub on my jeans here yeah and uh i'll bust one of my bvds if you go to a real fucking skanky one so far i'm agreeing with her why else would you go there unless you want to go there and try and fuck a stripper at which point you don't get the lap dance you hang up at the bar and act like you don't give a fuck and then from there i don't really know what happens

then from there i don't really know what happens uh first off a stripper is much more appealing than than this one what the psycho girl even at the low end of the spectrum but that's not that's not that's neither here nor there oh he's saying that a stripper is much better looking than this guy's girlfriend oh wow so this guy's getting dictated to by some fucking mediocre looking chick that's so sad you know that's like a chick if you're gonna get the shit kicked out of you the guy better be like an oil man and you're living in a villa in the french fucking riviera right i mean if you have to get the shit kicked out of you ladies there's a dilemma for you that's an easy dilemma would you rather get the shit kicked out of you

by a substitute teacher or a fucking the ceo of exon um all right survey says let me continue with this uh she also had an issue with the fact that these were local girls and for some reason that pissed her off even more well obviously because they live in the area she's then worried you're gonna strike up a conversation and bang them so far i'm on the i'm on the side of this this so called crazy woman she has this idea that her boyfriend is apparently a stripper magnet and can fuck anyone he wants okay i see what you're saying now i have no idea how how far off base is this chick when she said the guys went to strip clubs to get horny that really showed how fucking moronic she is my real question is what can my friend do to get his girlfriend

to turn the crazy off i've been trying to help him for years but i just can't find the way all right let's stop here uh sir why else do you go to a titty bar you don't go there to look at chicks and fucking get aroused what do you go there for to check out the fall fashion of thongs do you go there to drink 25 bud lights why do you go there you go there to see naked women get lap dances and maybe strike up a conversation and get to fuck one with their kid in the crib in the other room that's why you do it isn't it hoping that their boyfriend didn't get early released from his assault fucking uh conviction isn't that what happens i don't know maybe i don't fucking know uh but he said what can my friend

do to get his girlfriend to turn the crazy off uh you can't you can't if someone's nuts they're nuts that's it you just got to uh you got to break up with him you got to walk away or you have to accept their craziness uh you he said i've been trying to help him for years but i just can't find the way because there is no way sir it's like trying to uh get a drug addict to stop doing drugs you can't do it they have to want to do it so he has to decide that he's had enough all right and uh what you need to do if you want to do this is just express the fact that listen your girlfriend's nuts and she treats you like shit and it hurts me as a friend to watch this happen okay you need to get her in line and if you do this this could actually end your friendship

with them because guys a lot of times choose pussy uh confirmed pussy i should say confirmed pussy over the friendship with their their their guys uh friends but uh you know at some point you just got to say listen dude i don't want to hear any more stories about this girl treating you like shit okay if you're not going to stick up with for yourself i understand it for whatever reason you don't want to do that but i don't want to listen to you telling me stories about what a fucking psycho she is because it hurts me as a friend to listen to you going through this shit and you're not doing anything about it to stick up for yourself and it's it's fucking frustrating for me to hear so if you want to talk about sports you want to talk about the

fucking european your union or whatever the fuck you want to talk about uh you want to talk about the shit i learned in finland i'll talk i'll talk to you about that i don't give a fuck right what do you want to talk about talk about anything but that crazy bitch because i don't want to hear it anymore that's your only option there but other than that there's nothing you could do as i always say it's that good fellas moment he's uh he means he's content to be a jerk so let him be a jerk let him get browbeaten because he's he's choosing the uh the crazy pussy in the hand versus the possible nice two in the bush does that make any sense well bush is in there i think there was some sort of sign felt felling and joking that um all right overrated

underrated uh overrated trying to do a podcast after flying 12 hours on swiss air you know i feel like a boxer that's quitting the rink i'm really trying to bring the funny guys i swear to god i don't i don't know what i don't know what you want from me you know you know i feel like right now i feel like i'm i'm playing like pop one or football and you guys are my dad and you just saw that i quit and that i don't have what it takes you know and for half a second you're blaming the sperm that was in your nuts before you suddenly realized that you can just blame it on your wife all right overrated underrated for the week uh underrated sandwiches we all eat them we all eat them yet rarely if ever here's someone say that a sandwich is their favorite food they

are more versatile than any other type of food and we take them for granted if sandwiches were women they would divorce us due to under appreciation and take half of our shit uh all right yeah you know some people actually don't like i'm a huge sandwich fan it's just the greatest idea ever take two slices of bread throw a bunch of shit in the middle of it throw it your pie hole who's ever eating a sandwich it's still a bit hungry afterwards it's tremendous you know i don't am i still talking am i dreaming this podcast at this point i don't know overrated sex it ruins lives and marriages thank you sir thank you that's what i was trying to say why i would choose a three inch dick and ten million dollars a year as opposed to a ten inch dick and thirty

grand a year uh it uh sex is overrated it started wars and caused countless deaths it's on tv and used to advertise the most non-sexual products your social standing and job credentials are affected by who you like to fuck what your social standing and job credentials are affected by who you like to fuck oh i guess it could be if you start fucking the wrong person yet after jacking off and releasing sexual tension all of it looks stupid exactly rub one out then think about it that's what my grandfather always said even if he didn't he fucking should have no that's it that that is exactly it um i actually got this giant fucking bit my act about gold digging whores and it basically comes down to that

um i was basically talking about schwarzenegger and how he lost everything by fucking one of the ugliest women on the planet like why the fuck you know if you're gonna go all in if you're gonna put it all on the line why do you do that with that woman and everyone's like oh because he's dumb because he's stupid it's like no because a guy's sex drive is that fucking overwhelmingly powerful and i swear to god it's like uh i really think that every day you should just fucking rub one out rub one out and then fucking once you're done clean yourself up and then get a sheet of paper out and write down some goals for the day and your life in the world would be better off it's really it's fucking horrible we are basically

designed to keep the species going that's how strong our fucking sex drive is women don't fucking understand it i don't expect them to understand it and because it's so bizarre to them they just look at it simplistically that we're morons and that we're animals and that we're pigs we definitely behave like all three of those things but it's a uh you know our sex drive is like your period it causes us to do crazy shit except it's not one week of um it's every fucking day all right there's no excuse for the amount of fucking guys out there who've accomplished all this tremendous stuff to lose it because of their dick it makes no fucking sense and i'm telling you these fucking ladies who go on tv and just say he's an idiot

he's a pig he's still with their their they don't get it they just don't get it but i understand why they don't get it you'd have to have a dick to fucking understand it that's one of the greatest fucking overrated ever just imagine how successful and how fucking driven you could be if you had your dick in check you know if you could walk away from that girl you shouldn't be fucking around with just think about that how many years would you get back in your life how many nights how much more happiness would be in your life if you just listen to your dick 30 less think about that i'm telling you i don't know but you you're really fucking with nature because nature made women so

fucking beautiful and guys so fucking horny that you can't resist it there's a reason for that it keeps us it keeps us fucking going and i think that's going to be my final uninformed thought i've already acted as though i'm a historian and now i'm putting on a white lab coat and i'm discussing our basically the makeup of our dna um oh shit so uh that is the podcast for this week how much time did i do an hour and five an hour and five from the bottom of my fucking american heart i want to thank everybody in scandinavia everybody in finland everybody in england who came out to my shows it was an unbelievable education as much as i sounded like a moron i had it was one of the best tours

i've ever done just as far as getting to see things that i i never would have got to see if i never took the chance to tell jokes so i'm unbelievably thankful for it and uh the amount of fucking people when i was over there asked me why would you come here and it kind of became this running joke between me and nia because we're big fans of that movie uh no country for old man old men jesus i'm so fucking tired no country for old men you know and when everyone kept saying to the psycho that you don't have to do this and he's like everybody always says that right that was the same thing someone said why why would you come here stock home sweden because it's fucking beautiful i don't know because why wouldn't you

if you could you know it's my game plan i want to go over there and start selling out shows uh come over there once a year make some fucking francs and cronies and whatever and then fucking go fly to another part of europe i never been to for like two three days i want to go down to the french riviera and i want to stand outside that roth child house and wait for one of them to come out i just want to see what one of them looks like and just stand there like nine miles away at the bottom of their driveway the biggest bullhorn ever that's what i realized that's what that villa is that we're gonna have a picture of that is they are the plantation owners they're trying to become the plantation owners of the

universe that's what fucking the bankers are um it's just fucking unreal do you realize if you get a 30 year mortgage and you pay it off in five fucking years let's say you do that all right what percentage of that into a 30 year loan is that let's see if i can do this math this will be your last laugh of the fucking week let's okay 10% would be a third right so you cut that in half all right that's about 15 we'll say 15 16 percent of the loan okay no you pay it off in basically 15 percent of the actual time that they gave you to pay it off okay but for some reason if it takes you five years into that loan you still give them like fucking i swear to god like 30 percent of the interest that they would have got if it took you 30 years in how the

fuck does that work how the fuck is that legal so even if you pay it off in five fucking years you still if you talk about how much you paid for the house plus the maintenance plus all the interest the amount of time you're gonna have to hold on to the house just to hopefully fucking break even before your kidneys fail and you got to sell the house because your insurance company tells you go fuck yourself and then they get another 30 year old in here to do it all over again they're fucking criminals absolute fucking criminals but it's all legal it's all fucking legal man um all right that's it that's the podcast for this week uh talk key to did i say it i don't fucking know thank you go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you sons of bitches uh next week all right