Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-27-14

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

Bill rambles about diseases, having sex with a robot and Cubs fans.

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It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, October 27th, 2014. How the fuck you doing? I'm actually recording this thing late. I'm recording it late, and then I got to go to work. I got to go to work. Oh, Billy Dayjob. Oh, Billy Dayjob. Oh, Billy Byrne, and it both ends, you know? Something's got to give. Why does it always have to be us?

Why do you put your work first? Anyways, I don't know what the fuck that was. I am sitting here, as you can tell, by the echo, echo, echo. Maybe you can't hear it, but I can hear it. I'm sitting in my living room, because I'm doing this Monday morning, 8.30 my time. So this is still a Monday Morning Podcast where I'm from, despite all you selfish douchebags around the globe, around the planet, you know?

I think people do that thing. On this beautiful blue sphere that we call Mother Earth, I just, well, that's what you know when somebody's going to lie to you. They start shaking their head when they're giving the speech. I want to thank everybody for gathering here today. Well, I got to tell you that, you know, what we got coming off, and they start shaking their fucking head, you know? Trying to charisma their way through fucking stealing all the tax.

Dollars! Anyways, I didn't do shit this weekend. I didn't do any stand-up. Did I? No. I didn't. I just fucking stayed in, trying to catch up on my goddamn sleep here. But I've been doing stand-up during the week, and I got a big stand-up gig coming up. I'm doing the 20th annual Comics Come Home benefit for Cam Neely, the Cam Neely House, put together by Dennis Leary.

And the always adorable Jimmy Serpicoe. Always adorable. I challenge you to find a picture of Jim Serpicoe where he doesn't look absolutely adorable. That is an adorable middle-aged man. I got that coming up, so I've got to make sure I'm on my game because I'm going to be following a bunch of monsters. I think I'm going on last, you know? And that is the deal on those things.

You don't headline one of those. You go on last, because you're going on after all headliners. So there's not a lot of meat left on the bone, if you know what I mean. I can't really see myself 10 comics in being able to bring up Ebola, and it's still a fresh topic, if you know what I mean, right? That's why I'm doing a bit on the mumps. Yeah! The forgotten one. Dude, I got to be honest with you.

I am so fucking sick of all these diseases grandstanding during sports, and every fucking place you go. It's all this goddamn... They're marketing diseases now, because they're trying to get your money for research. Somewhere in there, I know there's a good thought, like they're trying to cure the disease, but there's a lot of lexuses being bought off of that money. You can't tell me that there isn't, because I don't give a fuck

how much you give a shit about stopping a disease. At some point, you want a nice house, and you want a nice car, and if all you do is try to find a cure for that fucking thing, at some point, you're dipping into the aspirin fund, right? Jesus fucking Christ. The combination of this and the fucking getting reprimanded when you watch a football game, no more, no more, no more. Go fuck yourself. I'm not hitting anybody.

The fuck off my TV. You fucking dopes. What do you think of some wife-beater at home who's going to see the commercial and then be like, oh, okay, you're just going to erase 20 years of bad parenting with some dumb fucking commercial with your black shirts on? It drives me up the fucking wall. You're talking to me like I'm two years old,

and you're also talking about this major fucking problem, as if it's like, you know, why don't you just fucking hire one of those planes with the banner across it and just tell society how the fuck they're supposed to behave? I'll solve something too. Yeah, that just fucking drives me nuts. The whole fucking thing drives me up the fucking wall, stand for cancer, and everybody standing up with the name

of somebody that they had. All right, who doesn't want to stop cancer? Who doesn't give to it? Do you got to interrupt a fucking the World Series to remind me that there's people dying of cancer? Sports is supposed to be my safe haven. Maybe my goal was right. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean.

That's my Mike Golik. That's my Mike Golik. That guy is a stammer in jackass. You know, you know, you're dumb when you have to constantly bring up the smart school you went to. Fucking dust. I know you got a lot of you guys are thinking right now, Bill, have you been smoking a lot of cigars lately?

Is that what it's for the other cough? Not. All right, old freckles here actually went. I've gone eight days without a cigar, and now it's out of my system. I don't crave it right now. I let the humidor dwindle down. Is that the right word, humidor?

Humidifiers for your voice. Humidor is for cigars, and humidity is that thing that people who don't understand weather get mad at when somebody says it's not the heat, it's the humidity. And then they go, oh, that's like saying it's not the bullet, it's the gun. No, it isn't.

No, it isn't. If you're fucking red up on humidity, you dumb fuck. If you got out of the east coast to down south and you headed out west and you felt a dry heat versus that ungodly fucking moisture that is in the air when you have humidity, you know? Basically, what happens is when you have hot air, that's what's known as a low pressure system. And the molecules get larger.

It really doesn't, all of it is there's just really no moisture. You know, like if you live near a fucking desert, it doesn't make a difference how fucking hot it is. There's no fucking moisture to extrapolate, you know, and bring into that fucking air. This is essentially what's going on. Okay, that's why it's awesome to fucking live out here. Now, I don't understand.

We live near a fucking ocean. I don't understand how some of that water doesn't get in the air, but God knows it doesn't. It does not. We live right near the Mojave Desert. I don't know what it is. No Santa Ana winds comes down through the fucking canyon. I think it just dries everything the fuck out,

like a giant hairdryer. So when you're out here and it's 90 degrees, I mean, it feels more like when you walk to your car and God has a microscope, not a microscope, a fucking magnifying glass, right on the top of your skull, right? As opposed to when you're back east. And so it's like one part of your body is just like,

oh my God, I got to get in a fucking car. As opposed to when you're back east, where you're just walking out with your arms to this, you know, straight out, like you got something that you're nailed to some invisible cross, just walking down the street like, you just can't escape it. You take a shower and two seconds later,

you're all fucking soaking wet again. Bill, we understand it. All right, I didn't even explain it well, but I'm a moron. Anyways. Incoming. You hear that? Jesus Christ, that fucking plane is close.

These fucking people out here are lunatics. The way they fly, these fucking people in helicopters and airplanes, they fly like 800 feet above the fucking ground. It's just like, where are you going to put that thing? God forbid you had a fucking engine failure. You're going to try and land here with all the fucking wires. All right, I'm all over the place.

I need to focus here. Anyways, I had another big sit-down with my contractors and all that type of shit. We're finally on our way here. We're on our way. We're finally getting to the final, I'd say 20% of the job. That's how fucked up my downstairs was

slash all the other bullshit that happens when you're building something. You know, it kills me. It's right up the street. Some lady bought a house, gutted the whole fucking thing, and she has workers over there seven days of goddamn week. However, I know what they're doing over there.

They're flipping a fucking house. I'm not flipping a house. I'm having 100% quality. You should see the fucking plumbing I got in down there. All copper piping. Ah, it's just fine. It's gorgeous. It's almost a fucking shame

that they're going to close up the walls. That's how fucking beautiful the work is that's been done downstairs. And this house used to basically be a house on top and a tree fort down below. It is now an absolute fucking fortress. And someday when I go to sell this thing, I can look the person in the eye

that I'm going to sell this to as opposed to the fucking... I don't even know. I honestly think the people who lived here before, I just... I don't think people even understand some of them. Some of them are actually out to fuck you over. Okay?

Like whoever put that fucking tarpon downstairs to hold back four feet of dirt. Or, I mean, four feet high level of fucking dirt. Or maybe three feet. I fucking know. All I know now is I got a concrete barrier going all the way around like I'm supposed to. Everything's up to code.

I had a master electrician come in, rewire the whole fucking place. I got copper piping going through all the guy. We chased the pipe all the way up as far as we could go. You know, there's a few galvanized pipe sections of it here or there, but generally speaking, you know, this house is going to be rock solid. And I was actually so fucking depressed

with how long that this shit has been taking that last night I actually went on the internet and I was looking at other houses like fuck this, I'm out. You know, like when you're in a relationship with someone that you just love, okay, so you can't break up with them, but every once in a while you just start thinking, you know, what if I just went out and I bought a fucking Corvette, you know,

and I just got a scarf or some shit and just started driving around and just lived for me. I started doing that with my house last night and I just looked at all the other houses and I was just like, I can see it. I can see it in all the houses I like. I like old houses and every one of them now, I don't see the beautiful house with all the character anymore.

You know what I see? I see wood rot. I see cloth wiring. I see galvanized pipe. I see a gas leak. You know, that's all I see. I see a fucking new roof. I see flashing that wasn't put in properly. I see all of that. That's all I see now. That's all I see. I see the cracks, you know, on the walls.

You know, I see windows that aren't going to close fucking properly. That's what I would do now when I walked in to a house. If I looked at a house now, I would start opening and closing windows. I'd check the water pressure. I'd go under the house, you know, smell for gas and all of that type of shit. You know, something as much as I did all of that, I'd still get fucked because you can't stick your head in a wall and you have no idea what the fuck's in there.

You've got no idea. You've got no fucking idea how many times over the course of the life of that house some fucking vomit or some goddamn rodent got into the fucking wall, chewed on what, left a bunch of fucking shit pellets. I'm telling you, it's horrific. The only thing you can do is maybe buy a brand new house, a house that was just bought in case you don't know what brand new means.

And then even then, I don't know, something's going to fucking happen. You know, I don't know, I'm soured on the whole fucking thing and I put my goddamn life savings into downstairs and I don't think I'm ever leaving. That's it. I'm fucking done. All I need is a friend with a pool and I'm good. There's fucking dust that put in the floors and downstairs, which is fucking exciting and dusty all at the same time.

So anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast. My name is William Barr. I'm being very official this week and yeah, I didn't do shit this week. Oh, for those of you who were on the internet this week and you might have saw, we finally announced the show that I've been telling you that I've been writing on. I actually sold an animated show to Netflix. A cartoon, as I like to call them.

Everybody calls it, it's an animated show. It's animation. It's a cartoon. I sold a cartoon to Netflix. They greenlit six episodes. So this is a real thing. This is coming out. It's coming out. The name of the show is called Effister Family and it's about a family in 1974.

All right. It's basically, I'm animating my childhood stories, the people that I kind of grew up with. Nobody's in particular, just sort of the way shit was back then and I'm working with a bunch of great people who all kind of grew up in that era too. We all kind of had the same moms and dads and friends and neighbors and all that type of shit. So it's not going to lie to you.

It's the most work I've ever done in this business but also it has been the most fun of anything that I've ever done and I can't wait for you guys to see it. Unfortunately, because it is animation, it's not going to be out until a year from December, which coincidentally enough, I think is when they're going to finish the bottom of my house. So it's all going to come together for me next year,

next year in 2015, December. Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane. Billy's basement is fucking finished and he's got a show. Please fucking watch it, please fucking watch it so I make money. Do-boop-a-do-boop-a-do-boop-a-do

and then I'll have to buy a roof. All right. So that's coming out, yeah. A year from December is when it's coming out. I don't know why they announce it as soon as they do, but we've got a great cast. We've got Laura Derns going to play my wife. Justin Long is playing my son. David Kekner is playing my boss

and they're all absolutely fucking hilarious and we've got a bunch of other people doing voices on there and like I said, it's the most fun. Other than doing stand-up, it's the most fun I've had and I can't wait for you guys to see it because I think it's going to be pretty fucking, it's pretty over the top, put it that way. And I know what you're thinking.

Well, Bill, how did you come up with an idea like that? Well, you know what, I used to tell my childhood stories on stage and only twisted people would laugh and the rest of the crowd would be like, oh, that's sad. So I was walking my dog one day trying to think, how the fuck can I do these things where people will, you know, fucking loosen up a little bit

and I was like, all right, I'll animate it. I'll do a cartoon. Those aren't real people, they have three fucking fingers on each hand. Then nobody can get mad, nobody can get offended and that's been the most fun about doing this. As we've been writing this thing, at no point have I got one network note

saying, well, what are we, we're promoting drug use, that's violence against, you know, what's Peter going to say? No, nothing, because it's cartoon people. They don't fucking count. So there you go. So I got that coming out. I know it's a long ways off, but I'm excited about it,

so I'll be talking to you. We've recorded, you know, some episodes at this point, you know, we're about halfway done and I can't, I, you know, I've just been having the time of my life doing it. So that's what I've been doing. All right, and with that, let me read a little bit of advertising here.

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NFL football talk. So all the ladies just, you know, walk away from the podcast at this point. Go make some goddamn pumpkin pie. You know, go put on an apron and some horseshoes and walk around the kitchen like you used to. When relationships worked.

Okay. Before you a bitch moaning and complaining at me during the football, both from the kitchen and on my television set. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Jesus. What's wrong with you? All right. Let's talk about my New England Patriots.

How'd you like that, Chicago? Huh? That was for Super Bowl 20. I hate when people do that. When they think that you can get revenge for a playoff game. Playoffs? A playoff game during the regular season. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that was just a bad game for

Chicago. I'm not saying they would have won the game, but come on. That was fucking ridiculous. The end, the final like five minutes of the second quarter. There should have been no announcers. They should have just been playing Benny Hill music anytime the fucking bears

had the ball. You know, we scored 21 points in like four and a half minutes. I didn't even watch the second half. Put it that way. Put up a 50 spot on them. Five zero. And you know what? As much as I want to rub it in their face.

Who beat who in the Stanley Cup finals? Who beat who in the Super Bowl? Exactly. There you go. There you go. So no Chicago fan should feel sad. There's not one Chicago fan out there that should feel sad. You guys have had a lot of success. You had Michael Jordan,

right? 85 bears. The Bears is a little rough, you know, but you got the Blackhawks are making up for it. And all you Cub fans, I don't know. You guys, you don't even care. You started caring when some fucking nerd wearing a Walkman touched a foul ball and you all piled on him

like the fucking pussies you are. Chicago Cub fans. What about the other six guys standing around who also reached up for the ball? What's the matter? Were they out of your weight class? You wanted that guy with his little hat pulled down over his head? You fucking punks. I don't have any sympathy

for Chicago Cub fans because they don't even give a fuck. They've only given a fuck for like the last 10 years. But other than that, it's just been take your shirt off and let's have a keg party. Nobody cares. They're almost like an honorary baseball team. Like, ah, you know,

they just represent the fact that people like the game. You know, the White Sox fans, they care. They give a fuck. It's written all over their goddamn faces. You know, they still miss their old ballpark. They hate that new place. You see them coming in with their heads down

going, look at this stupid ass fucking thing. You know, we had a classic fucking car and we traded it in on a Ford Taurus. What the fuck did we do? You know, so you can feel for those guys. They give a fuck. Chicago Cub fans do not give a shit.

All right. So if you're a tourist, if you ever go to Chicago and you run into somebody you know, and they got a passion for what they're doing, that's a White Sox fan. If you run into just some fucking jerk off,

you know, sitting there wearing loafers with no socks. You know, in some silly fucking let's play two hat, that is a Cub's fan. And they are not to be respected. See what I did there, people? Not only did we just

beat them, I just caused hopefully some arguments right now between people in Chicago. That right there was a terrorist act right here on the podcast and you listen to it because you didn't do anything because you didn't hit stop. You actually became a part of it and now you're liable. What do you think about that? All right.

Actually, you know, as well as the patriots are playing and they look great. How the fuck are we number one in past defense? I had no idea. I've been watching every game. I would say and then we're like last in the run or some horseshit like that. So I actually think

this next week when we play the Broncos you know, if we win decisively, then I'll actually believe in this team as far as their ability to possibly you know, go deep into the playoffs

and maybe make a run at this thing. But I got to be honest with you, who the fuck is good this year in the NFL? Who's like without a doubt fucking good? Like look at the fucking Seahawks. I don't know what the hell happened to them. They've won like

four games this year. I don't know. I made games we're into at this fucking point. What are you saying? Let me try to pull this shit up here. The standings. Like I would have thought the Steelers were gonna lose. What the fuck were they playing? I don't even remember.

I'm the horse. What do I do this shit? What the fuck are the Seahawks? Seattle Seahawks are four in three. You're telling me the Arizona Cardinals six and one like as a Patriots fan. I got to sit there and think if we make it to the Super Bowl

holy shit, we might play the Cardinals. Look out for those Lions. I'm not even buying the Eagles. I don't believe in their coach or their quarterback. I don't think I don't know that anybody's good. The Giants are three and four.

I don't know who the rate is. Oh and seven Broncos are six and one. I think they could actually I don't know. I think we would have a tough time obviously with the Broncos. We'd have a tough time with the Colts. I don't get the Bengals.

I don't get them. Everybody was talking about how they were fucking unbelievable and then they came into Foxborough and got the living shit kicked out of them. It's Cincinnati. They're never gonna win anything. You ever just look at a uniform and you're done. You're never gonna win a Super Bowl.

There's Cincinnati Bengals. It's fucking over. Remember that Broadway show Cats? If you put a helmet on those fucking dancers to dream the impossible dream they could do that.

Why am I being a dick? I gotta blow through this podcast and I gotta go to work and I'm not in day job shape. I haven't had a day job since 1995 and I gotta get up every morning and pack a fucking lunch

like a jerk off. I'm just fucking with you guys with all your teams. I actually feel really bad for the Raiders, man. Oh, it's seven. What the fuck? I watched a little bit of that game yesterday. How about that Browns defense, huh? Their offense sucks. One guy goes down on the O-line and all of a sudden

everybody rolls over. The fucking pockets collapsing. I love how they're going, you know, it was a major injury. Really so then everybody sucks on the offensive line. I don't understand that, but their defense is phenomenal, but granted, they were playing their Raiders. All right, let me just get, let me bail out of this.

I obviously don't know shit about football this year despite the fact that I've watched almost every week. Uh-oh, I see movement. Is that the lovely Nia? The lovely Nia. Hey, what's, oh, I just get the wave. She's coming in.

Um, anyways, oh, you know what I did yesterday over the last two days because it's Halloween. You know me, I get up for the holidays. I think it's very important to start traditions around the holidays. You know what I mean? It reminds you of your childhood.

You create new memories, right? So I made six loaves of pumpkin bread. I've been handing them out to my friends like a fucking drug deal, you know, because they're wrapped in foil. It just feels like you got a brick of weed, you know, riding around

in my, my fucking, I'm riding around in a Prius with one of those, uh, uh, Save the Earth grocery bags, the cloth ones filled with pumpkin bread, dropping it off to friends. Okay. If you can be any more

effeminate and still be straight, if you can top that, I want to know what it is. That's your homework this week. Just send me an e-mails that you, you feel that there's something beyond driving a Prius with a cloth grocery bag, filled up with pumpkin bread

that you made, dropping it off to friends. And I want you to find something that's more effeminate than that as a straight guy. And don't just tag on to what I just said and add like skipping. You know what, I'm going to fucking just go hack up whatever the fuck is in my mouth.

Hang on a second, hang on. Well, let me just hit pause here. All right, I'm back. Sorry about that. Jesus Christ. I should have done that 20 minutes ago. I can't imagine how many listeners I've lost. Um, all right, what am I talking about? Oh yeah, making the pumpkin bread. Dude, I got it down now.

You make six loaves of pumpkin bread, you can do that shit in your sleep. I found this giant fucking whisk that we got as a wedding gift. You know, uh, my wife registered it. You know, they always registered all that shit that you think is a guy you think is dumb.

Like, why do we need all this? You know, why don't we register it at the flat screen TV store? We don't do that yet. You register it like wicks and sticks, you know, get a bunch of fucking candles, you know, glasses and plates and all of that shit.

And, uh, then all of a sudden it arrives and you're like, ah, Jesus Christ, we got to cut all this shit up. And the next thing you know, you got a stocked fucking kitchen and you're looking at that big dumb, stupid fucking whisk going, what, look at this

I don't want to make it. I'm gonna fucking, uh, make some pancakes for the green giant. What do I need a whisk this big for? I'll tell you when you need it. When you're making six loaves of pumpkin bread and you're standing on a fucking chair just stirring that, stirring that shit.

I gotta admit, I fucking love bacon. It's just, it's like controlled, like playing in like a mud puddle. It's like you're being a little kid again. And I gotta tell you, it's delicious. And I ate a bunch of it. And, uh, I'm not liking the shape I'm in right now. I'm fucking Billy Fadigan right now.

It's fucking driving me nuts. And, uh, I gotta start working out again. And someone told me the other day, what are you talking about? You look good. You look good. It's like, no, I don't. I have a shirt on. Most people look good when you put clothes on them. You know, when you're hiding the mistakes.

And that's basically how you stay in shape. You know, every night before you go to bed, you take your shirt off and you look at it. You look at the damage that you created in the mirror. And you do every sort of bend you can possibly bend to the

side, bend to the other side, right? Stand to the side. You know, bend over at the waist and you just see that fucking spare tire. Just grab a whole fucking handful of it. Look at you, you fucking piece of shit.

Huh? How about a little willpower? That first half was bullshit. We're gonna get out there in the third quarter. You get fucking psych yourself up. You psych yourself up. It's all about the next goddamn day when you wake up in the morning. That's like you're coming out of the locker room at halftime. Alright?

And what are we gonna do? We're gonna make some halftime adjustments? Are we gonna go right back to the frosted flakes? How are we gonna do? You're gonna make some red velvet pancakes? Did you tub a shit? Huh? Are you gonna get some great nuts and have a banana? We're gonna make some oatmeal. That's what you need to do. You gotta get the fucking

oatmeal. What is that shit that I'm telling you, dude? It's it's a it's I used to never believe that food is a drug. It's 100% a drug and you gotta fucking when you start eating badly, you gotta force yourself to just fucking eat a salad and it just fucking

stops those cravings like dead in the track. It's a fucking it's a stiff arm right to the sugar, salt, bullshit. You know? Same thing with working out. I didn't work out for like at least like 10 days and I kept sitting on the couch as I'm watching sports going, Bill, just fucking drop the floor and just give

you know, bang at 100 pushups and I just I'll do it tomorrow. I don't feel like it. You don't because I've been eating like shit. I'm eating pumpkin bread. I got that shit in my body and it's fucking eating away at my brain and is the smart part of

me is going, come on, Bill, get up. Go for a walk, you pasty tub of shit, right? The pumpkin the pumpkin bread is getting stronger. It's in there. It's gone. I don't listen to him. Sit on the couch. Come on, you earned it. You've been working hard, right? So yesterday, I finally got off

the couch and my body's screaming. No, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. And I just forced myself and within five, six of them, you know, you get that you start getting that rush that you're working out. You know, you stand up

after what it is. Banging out a set of 25, 35 or whatever, right? You get up and all of a sudden you feel good. You start strutting around, you know? First down, right? Like you just made a nice fucking catch on third down, saving the drive.

You drop down, you do another 35. You start thinking, dude, I'm going to get fucking shredded. Huh? I'm going to wear that Mark Wahlberg fucking underwear walking around all shredded. Right? You start thinking shit like that. Just after two sets. But if you didn't override

that fucking McDonald's in your brain and you just sat there, you know what you're going to do? You're going to add another fucking layer of fat. And you're going to go into the bathroom at night hanging your head when you brush your teeth because, you know, you don't want to look at it. Now you got a t-shirt on. You can see it coming through your fucking t-shirt. You can't hide that shit.

Right? And that big pile of mush clinging to your fucking rib cage? Awful. Looking like a fucking... I don't know what. I get to a certain level of shape. I just feel like I should be tied to the wrist hanging from a tree and be used as a pinata.

Oh, it's disgusting. I was just thinking that you fucking beat me and candy comes out of my ass because I've been eating so bad. I'm sorry. Whatever. What do you want from me? So now I'm back on the stick. What I did was I did a hundred push-ups and I woke up today thinking about doing pull-ups.

Had I not done that I'd be fucking out there eating pumpkin bread. No, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to eat another slice of it. Oh, and I'm putting butter on it. All right, but you just got, you know, you just got to refuse to get past a certain point. You have to have a fucking line in the sand.

A line in the butter? Well, you're just like, I'm not going past this. I'm not going past this. I'm not going past this shit. So, you know, whatever. I'm talking about trying to stay in shape, which obviously now I can effortlessly segue into the Ebola panic.

All right, I'm sitting there watching 60 minutes. Okay, and I got all these famous people telling me that they're tired of me beating women. All these women that I'm not beating. All right, I'm watching the World Series. I'm being reminded

that people lose people to cancer every day, which is, which is always nice. You know, when you're watching the national pastime. Take me out to the ball game. Take me out to the crowd. I just lost my mother to throat cancer.

Boo hoo hoo. I mean, what the, what the fuck are you doing? I don't want to see that during the fucking game. Can we just have like the cancer channel, like the disease channel? You know, and every once in a while, I'll fucking click over there and I'll write out, you know, send in five bucks

or whatever the fuck I got to do. Do you really have to interrupt it? Am I out of my mind that I think it's unbelievably fucking selfish to do that to people? What are they, what are the fuck are they going to do next? You got to crash some little boys birthday party.

Happy birthday to no more. No more. She felt face first into a birthday cake. Lady, he's five years old. Hey, just in case you haven't heard everybody,

it's not okay to hit a woman. Just in case you were a little confused. Cocaine is bad for you. Just to let you know, when somebody dies of cancer, there's people that love them and they miss the person afterwards and it's very painful.

Just thought we would remind you that while you're trying to watch the Kansas City Royals and the San Francisco Giants. So then, you know, as if all of that shit. This is bread and circus time. This is mouth breed of time and you're coming in here bringing up

the horrors of the world. Right? So I'm watching the four o'clock game and all they keep doing on CBS is they keep hyping on 60 minutes that they're going to be talking about three or four nurses. Three of which are guys. Right?

Which means the three ladies that were going to be nurses are now doctors. Which, as far as I can tell, is three out of four nurses are now men and three out of four doctors are now women and they're still bitchin'. Alright? And don't even tell me my math is off on that

because where the fuck were all the female nurses? There's no way to be found. Because they bitch moaned and complained to get themselves to hold the scalpel now. Now what the fuck are we doing? We're walking around changing bedpans and they're fucking coming on my football to tell me not to hit you?

You want to take a bedpan right across your back like wrestling with a steel chair taking all the doctor jobs. You women got a lot of nerve! Anyways, so what do they do? They start fucking hyping that they're going to talk to these four people that were near an Ebola patient

who didn't catch Ebola and how fucking scared they are. You know what's funny? The people actually caught Ebola. How many have even died? You know? You know what Ebola is? Ebola is the Cincinnati Bengals of diseases.

They started fucking strong. Everybody thought they were a contender. Right? They knocked the ice bucket challenge right off the map. Everybody was talking about fucking ALS ice bucket challenge.

And then comes Ebola, right? Like if it was a nightclub. Ebola comes walking in a little hotter. Shoes a little horrier, right? And everybody starts looking over at that bitch walking into the fucking club. And then ALS is over there with the ice bucket. Wait a minute, I'm doing the wet t-shirt thing over here.

You guys don't like this anymore? Sorry, ALS. There's a better looking whore on the pole. So now everybody's over here looking at this fucking Ebola shit. We're going to be fine, everybody. This is a deal. Let's just say,

let's just say a couple hundred thousand people die of Ebola. All right? You know, we have like over 300 million people in this country. Okay? It's like you got a giant football team here. Ebola takes out 200,000 people.

That's like when you make your final cuts in the pre-season. And now we got, we're a little more streamlined. All right? Who's getting a dude? If you get Ebola, you're weak. You're a weak person. Okay? You don't have the intestinal fortitude.

You don't have the mental toughness. Okay? To fucking survive in a world of diseases. Okay? And when you get Ebola, why don't you have the fucking decency to not go to the fucking airport? All right?

Just walk down the street, into the woods, and just bleed out by yourself like a gentleman. Why can't you do that? Is there a reason for that? That's my question. I'm going to take college here in 20 minutes. How far into this am I?

This fucking absolute whore shit. What have I talked about? Oh man, I've been watching this a little bit of hockey. This is such a tough year to try to keep up with everything. I've been really watching the World Series though. I missed most of Game 4. I think I did.

I was watching something else. I forget what, but Jesus, Kansas City came back. They lost the first one for those of you not watching. They came back. They won Game 2 and 3. They're up 2 games to 1. And then they go out to, actually, they won the first game in San Francisco.

And then, I was hoping that they were going to win either one Game 4 or 5, and they didn't. They lost them both. It was like the giant, I don't know if there's a way to make a half-time adjustment, but that's what it looks like the Giants did. I just think that they ran into some tough pitching

and, so who knows? But I don't have any sort of feeling on this series. I don't feel like if KC wins Game 6, that they're going to win Game 7. I hope they do. I like the Royals. I also really like the Giants too, so I'm not being

a dick to people in San Francisco. It's just, you know, I just saw the Giants win 2010-2012. And it was great to see that. But I'd like to, you know, like to see KC get one. However, if the Giants win,

that's 3 World Series in the 2000s, and they would join the Boston Red Sox. We won 0407 in 2013. Because basically somebody is going to be the Yankees of this

century. Someone's going to be the one who won the most fucking, you know, team of the century, basically. How many World Series, how many World Series do you think it's going to take to be the team of this century? Because

now that you got 30 fucking teams, what's crazy is if Kansas City wins this year, the fact that it took them 29 years, they're actually on average, mathematically, you know, you got a one in 30 chance of winning now,

that they would be, that for them to win one in 29 years, they actually came in a year early. Is my math fucked up on that? I'm sure it is. I'm not the smartest guy out there, especially when it comes to the fucking ticket. I'm actually thinking,

if you won if you won 12, maybe, if you won 12, I would think that you'd get it at this point with 30 fucking teams. That's waiting better than one a decade. So like right now, the Red Sox are ahead of the curve.

I can't believe I even get to say that after all the shit they went through is they've won three. So they're actually good through the 2020s. And I think we're going to get another one before then. I think the Yankees are

I don't know. I think that all of those teams, the Celtics, the Yankees, the Canadians, all of those teams that won like fucking nine zillion titles when there was like fucking 15 teams in the league or 10 teams in the league, you know, that's over.

Like back in the day when the Yankees used to win titles, do you know when you won your division that was winning the pennant. They had so few teams that there wasn't another division you had to play. Forget about two rounds of fucking baseball. Best four out of seven to get to the final thing. Now I'm not, you know, fucking with the Yankees legacy

because it's the most legit thing there is considering Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantel. No one's ever going to have a fucking run of players like that again. You're lucky if you go back to back to those unbelievable players. Forget about four in a row.

But nobody's going to win at a clip like that again. Like I don't see anybody ever catching the Yankees. Like how bad the Yankees would have to nose dive and they're spending like, you know, 200 million a year. I think they've lowered

their yearly average at this point, but generally speaking they spend roughly 200 million bucks a year. If you do that year after year after year, you know, you're going to win a couple here a couple there and you're going to stay out front because I think the closest that is to them is I think the Cardinals

and they got like 11 10 or 11. I can't remember what and that puts them like a good 16, 16 behind. It's over. No one's going to catch them. No one's going to catch the the Canadians. Both of them are just two out and far

in front, but then with basketball like I think the Lakers are going to overtake the Celtics just because of people would rather play in LA like Boston and LA are equally racist and a lot of people don't think that just

because for some reason we get all the attention you know, despite the fact that they have fucking riots out here and that police are constantly fucking murdering people I would say yeah, so then it just comes down better weather and celebrity pussy. I mean right there

and you know, yeah it's basically what do you want to do? You want to play in the racist town with the bad weather and the potato faces or do you want to come out here with the plastic surgery ass and the great weather with the racism it's a no fucking brainer. They're going to come out here so

I don't know unless we go on some sort of a fucking run that's the only real race that there is and for those who don't keep up on it the Celtics have 17 and the Lakers have 15 plus a BAA championship that they have to count as an NBA

championship for some fucking reason I don't understand that. I don't understand how I've said it before, I don't understand how the fuck you can win an NBA championship before the NBA exists it's unbelievable but you know, it's LA that's what you do. I'm a director I got 16 championships

alright, let's read a little bit of advertising here oh by the way if um let me get this out of the way here if you would like to buy my stand up comedy album and you do not live in the continental

United States my record is available for international orders at thirdmanrecords.com thirdmanrecords.com THIRD manrecords.com you can order it there

and um, reminders listeners of the podcast, the email to ask me questions is bill at themmpodcast.com bill at themmpodcast.com alright let's get into uh

let's get into uh, some questions here for the week alright shaving in the steam room alright, what do we got here bill, you like steams, after my workout I like to take a steam

what I find is people coming in and shaving in the steam room what the fuck dude, people are just they're fucking animals, man fucking animals there's a sign outside, no shaving but it must be for someone else

you're a quick-witted guy what backhanded response can I give these assholes when they come in you start shaving am I the most negative guy ever that I tell you, you're a quick-witted guy as an insult hey, bill, you're a quick-witted guy, why don't you write me a fucking comeback

what am I on the writing staff of your life here, sir um what would you say I would sit there in the steam and be like buddy, there's no shaving in here that's disgusting, we all have to use it what's wrong with you, you fucking animal

oh, look who's here look who's here, everybody, it's the lovely Nia making appearance for the first time in a while people thought you'd dump me get over here I only have one microphone

don't touch the fucking mixer what are you doing I'm in the other room listening to you screaming like a moron about God knows what what are you yelling about again

Nia, this podcast is an important thing, I've got to bring the energy I've got to bring the laughs I know, it's literally Monday morning and you're like I'll have butter on it screaming about pumpkin bread it's nine in the morning, what does it matter with you

seriously and someone calls as you for a nice quip or something to say to somebody you get an attitude about it, what's the matter with you I don't know, look how it's written tell me I'm wrong there somebody was shaving in the steam room

how gross is that absolutely fucking disgusting they should literally just put a collar around that guy and stick him in a fucking cage take him down to the pound you can either just go straight up to him like you said, hey buddy, there's no shaving in here that sounds like exactly what you would say

you would definitely say hey buddy in that really fucking tense way no, I would or you could like tell on them to the place and get them banned you stand up here we were getting reports that you're shaving in the steam room and sir, well

you've been warned several times about this, we're gonna have to ask you to leave can I have your locker room key please the guy initially denies it, I wasn't shaving in there and then the guy like gently reaches out and touches the side of his face come on we both know

there's no way your face is gonna be that smooth unless you're shaving you know what the guy should do is just stand up and start peeing on his leg now this is what you do, you say yeah, no, you say sir, there's no shaving in here and if he has an attitude, then you pee on his leg and then you both get kicked out and then you make the news

like that TMZ a man was shaving I wasn't gonna make the show let me get a tighter shirt this man was shaving in the steam room with this other guy he gets somebody peeing on his leg that doesn't happen

that's my TMZ impression I hate that you watch that stupid fucking show with all those goddamn geeks standing around I don't watch it on a regular basis I watch it from time to time to get caught up on the celebrity tea

however long it seems like it's an hour long an hour long of nothing just watching people coming out of restaurants you know hey, Sean Penn, what do you think about Ebola? and he's just like, what? I just had some muscles

oh, Cleo oh, Cleo wants to be on the podcast too alright, alright it was going off the rails get down, get down the original cock block any time we hug the dog comes over I want to be a part of it

go light out, mommy go light out get over there don't call the dog stupid I fucking love that dog you don't even understand I don't understand the way you throw yourself

on top of her and go oh, Cleo, as loud as possible that's one of my favorite things to do you can't stop doing it you do it constantly throughout the day you do it like 10 times a day I'm not exaggerating I'm not going to defend myself

how do you not go over and hug your dog? that's what I do, I always go she sees me coming over she lays down her side and I just grab her and I squeeze her and I scream, oh, Cleo yeah, you get her all in that fucking state you know, and who takes her for a hike

every fucking day? me, you do, but you also literally you walk into the room and she's up on her feet like you you're giving the dog your energy your manic energy that's true

I'm a fucking psycho, what do you want from me? but you know what, I don't shave in the steam room so what would I say to this guy? I would say, buddy there's no shaving in here that's fucking gross yeah, what's wrong with you little stupid whiskers are going to be there in the floor

you fucking animal dude, I swear to God the fucking animals that go into steam rooms fucking animals fucking guy like cleaning his toenails or his dead skin off of his feet

just sitting there scrubbing it yeah, no, you know something I only think that that's 10% of people that go into steam rooms, I think the rest of us, we need to speak up we're just sitting there silently and they're not saying anything what the fuck is wrong with you dude, that's gross mm-hmm sitting there yelling to somebody, you both got your dicks out

ah, I try another thing all right remaining positive I'm a 23 year old recent college graduate who's dealing with a bit of depression having never dated finding it hard, did I write this?

having never dated finding it hard to get a job and having no actual goal in life I'm finding it hard to keep motivated to do anything I normally eat well and go to the gym but that's the only healthy habit I have I want to be enjoying my 20s because I've accomplished nothing

not even having formed any relationship with any girl, it's been hard to smile and remain positive do you get into these sorts of funks and what advice would you have to get out of it, any advice from you or the lovely Nia would honestly make a major impact on my life, no pressure

yeah buddy, Jesus yeah, I literally could have written that at 23 years old I was basically in the essentially the same boat I was still living at home had no girlfriend I commuted all the way through college

I didn't have any college friends never went to any of those parties or any of that type of shit and I was actually flailing, wondering what the fuck I was going to do with my life I tried sales, I worked in warehousing I had a job at a dental office and none of it

was making me excited about going to work and I started thinking like, oh fuck am I going to be that guy that just does the fucking job that he hates and um I don't know, I just started every day I don't know, just trying to think what I wanted

what did I want and um don't look at it with judgment or think that something's impossible like whatever you want to do to be sitting there thinking like, oh I can't do that I could never do it, you can I am an absolute moron

and if I can make something happen I would say that I don't like how you laugh when I said I'm a moron you are a moron, but I think you just gave really, really perfect advice that's great advice you gotta figure out, yeah, what is it that you really really enjoy doing

and maybe there's a way to actually make a living at it like Bill yeah, this is what you just start doing it you just start fucking doing it and then eventually it turns into your job and what you do is just

I think what most people do is like say they're thinking like, I don't know pick a job that's fucking, you're like, oh I could never do that I'll just keep it in entertainment say you wanted to get into like broadcasting I guess, announcing games

and you start thinking like oh my god, I want to announce NFL games how the fuck do I get there so you start you know, I would think you'd start doing high school games little league games I would do anything if no one was hiring me, I would just show up

at little league games with a fucking sport coat on and set up a table and I would just start doing it I would go down to pick up basketball games that's not creepy at all just showing up at the little kids game like here I am I know, because now there's pedophiles

there's always been pedophiles here I am, I'm gonna what, start molesting a kid is everyone sitting there in a game like it was a major league baseball game the parents would love it you could go down to like the basketball courts I would just anything, just to be doing it that's like your open mics, I'm not getting paid

I'm learning how to do this shit and then, I don't know start taking some classes at a broadcasting school you just, every part of your day becomes announcing you know when I had day jobs, I used to sit there doing the job and I would be any funny fucking idea ahead

I would just write it down and and then I would go try it out somewhere and I just kept doing it and doing it and doing it you just start marching towards it and you don't look at like well hey I just fuck, I'm doing high school games

I'll never get to the NFL like most people don't get there because they want it in a week dude, they're fucking helicopters they're gonna fly into the fucking house around here they're crazy, I don't know if you guys could just hear that shit day

yeah, you just, every single day you just I don't know look at this stupid ass podcast I just kept doing it every Monday and all of a sudden I got a bunch of listeners I'm curious about because I'm trying to you know I'm always trying to read between the lines

I normally eat well and go to the gym but that's the only quote unquote healthy habit I have what does that mean well I don't want to start I'm just curious as why that got thrown in there because I don't know if that means that there's

things that he's doing that he is not healthy because the rest of it doesn't really I don't know I normally eat well and go to the gym that's the only healthy habit I have or it's like the only thing like habit I have it's just like working out and going to the gym

but I don't have any other like things like just the healthy in quotes concerns me really hard on himself so he's got to lighten up himself so even when he's doing something positive he still puts it in quotes he won't give himself

credit for that it sounds like maybe he had some negative parents who told you the world was a lot more difficult than it is I would I'd also work on like just paying attention to the thoughts in your head that's how because I was never clinically depressed but I was definitely I had definitely bouts of depression

and funks and that type of thing but yesterday when I was watching the game I did 100 pushups and you know three sets okay not actually like I actually dropped down I would have had a heart attack no no I did set a three and I got to 100

105 actually sets a 35 alright you fox no but I immediately felt better I immediately felt better and also you're 23 years old you have a long long time to figure out what it is that you want to do for the rest of your life you know what I mean and it's probably

going to change several times so maybe you just graduated college and you're like I majored in business I don't want to get into business I really want to you know be a veterinarian or something like that and I think that bills right you should and I want to do it I would immediately start picking up roadkill off of the side of the road

and I'd try to see if I could bring it back to life try reviving it try reviving that dead cat on the freeway no no just yeah you're fine you're 23 you got your whole life ahead of you you know what can be worse dude you could be in a relationship and you fucking knocked her up and now you're tied to her for the rest of your fucking life

and then you got to go get a job at some place you don't want to work at so the fact that you don't have anything going on in your life is fucking awesome there's nothing holding you back you can just now you can you actually get to decide you know how many people would want to be in your fucking position 23 no girlfriend

you know no fucking mortgage no bullshit none of that stuff it's just you do fucking you know figure out what you want to do and go after it and tell that negative thought you had to go fuck yourself there you go that was like a Dr. Phil episode

there you go that solves all your problems when we come back I yell at more men you work on yourself the rest will come together don't worry about the girl part yet just get your own shit together I already said that

why did you feel like you keep trying to say you keep trying to say you keep trying to be the person who says the last thing this is my podcast I wrap it up I wrap it up you wanted me to come in here so stop giving me shit

read the next question artificial intelligence also known as Bill Burr artificial intelligence and it's as long as there's intelligence in there I'll take it and it's impact on humanity Bill

Bill Boo Baggins what are your thoughts on Tesla founder Elon Musk's warnings on artificial intelligence I just love the fact that you think that I actually read it he said that through recursive self-improvement

simple tasks like preventing spam could lead to an AI determining humans are the problem is this like a sci-fi script I know okay yeah I get it I'm totally interested but I don't know what's going on here recursive self-improvement means

it could reason with itself oh this is like when you make a computer that has emotions like a human being well no it's like you're talking about we're trying to get rid of spam and email and stuff but whatever program is like wait there's a human being behind the spam

there's a human being behind the Nigerian prince scheme or the god friend I'm trapped in Denmark and I've had my passport and all my money taken from me I don't think that is

simple tasks like preventing spam could lead to AI artificial intelligence as a computer determining humans are the problem so how is there a guy in Nigeria recursive self-improvement it's saying like it's realizing that human beings are behind the spam

in your email oh I see what you're saying okay sorry about that it's going to be a long one recursive self-improvement means it could reason with itself and incrementally improve to overcome obstacles that prevent it from fulfilling its objectives

listen to previous podcasts and you've mentioned you think there would be a back door built into any AI machine robots by the powers that be recursive self-improvement that Alon mentioned in AI could eventually reason with itself

that a back door preventing it from fulfilling its mandate must be ignored or overcome Alon Musk is very intelligent having found at PayPal SpaceX and Tesla as well as playing a key role in Solar City

so I don't think his concern should be taken lightly here's a book that delves into the subject in more detail because I know you're a deep thinker see what I'm saying they're all giving me shit that's funny our final invention artificial intelligence in the end of the human era

thanks for your fucking opinion is this some sort of like 1984 type of shit 1984 was humans on humans oh okay we'll see that's already going on where someone who was our ally

yesterday is now the enemy is now the ally and vice versa and all that type of shit so this is basically like the machines are getting so smart that they're gonna eventually like take over yeah here's the thing about machines they don't have legs the robots might

maybe that's his whole point like the robots the robots I'm afraid of but just like a computer it's like you don't have legs and you have an umbilical cord plugged into that fucking wall over there and I will snip that fucker and I will dump water on you

and that's the end of you go dump water on your computer see what happens but aren't they talking about making robots that'll be able to like surpass all that shit and that's the scary part about it it's like you don't want to give them too much intelligence because like he was saying

they'll learn that like hey wait I've got this whole backdoor thing and fuck that backdoor because they're gonna evolve beyond that here's the thing there was too much red it was just too much red he was the only one really that wore red

but anyway, go on anyways this is what I feel people are acting like this just some nerdy scientist I'm going to make this artificial intelligence bullshit it's rich people and rich people

at the top want to phase out us the sick of us like we are in inconvenience to them with our complaints and our needs they want us to shut the fuck up they want us to all be making fucking slippers for them for fucking 50 cents a month they want to have all the cars

it's like when I went to the farmer's market yesterday right to add to my effeminate weekend of pumpkin bread and driving a Prius speaking of which you need to store your strawberries more correctly because they're just sitting out on the counter and they're gonna go bad you know why I left them out there

why did you leave your strawberries out on the counter because they're not organic I went to a farmer's market and they actually just have regular you have to ask them is this organic and they'll be like well you know our farmers they can't even handle 200 people the grocery stores can't handle 200 fucking people

walking into a parking lot to buy some goddamn eggs they even have to get that money they want it all the people at the top do you want to have those strawberries if you're not going to eat them did you hear that back and forth

this is why we deserve to get fucking taken over right here because you can't keep people on do you just give a fuck about the strawberries I'm talking about the overall picture man I don't care if the strawberries are organic or not that's not my cause right now I'm just I like strawberries I'm trying to stay on top of it

can you come near the mic please so basically what is this person asking you so he's asking me if I'm worried about artificial intelligence I actually think that there's human beings behind it and it's going to play out like the classic like Frankenstein

where you build it and then it comes back and kicks the shit out of you but like I think you know a lot of people looking at us like human beings as a collective what are we doing we aren't doing anything you're expendable I'm expendable we're an annoyance to them

the reason why we're still here is because we pay taxes we pay interest they got their foot on the back of our fucking neck and we're helping to buy like some more fucking gold coins for them every single month but eventually but the thing the big flaw

with human beings is that we complain and we pay attention and we go hey that isn't fair and I think super rich people are sick of it and it'd be great wouldn't it be great if we could somehow get them to just work not bitch and not have to pay them at all what is the solution let's make

some fucking robots yeah but then you know the robots would be great but then who are we gonna fucking pull over to the side of the road and have them suck our dicks in our back of our limos well we gotta make them more lifelike so they're gonna try to make these lifelike robots

that will do whatever the fuck they want and suck their dicks and work out in the fields and all that fucking shit but then eventually they're gonna get overrun so you are concerned about the intelligence then no I'm not concerned about it because there's nothing to stop it I just was talking to you about it

and your main focus is the strawberries right there that little microcosm of that fucking conversation is why I tapped out a conspiracy theory I will not talk I mean I'll just I'll do it on this podcast because I don't listen to somebody else either saying that fucking bullshit

or this or that or that or here's my even crazier theory because I'm nuts everybody's fucking nuts everything I believe everything has a beginning a middle and an end and human beings are no different and you know whatever I'm gonna die anyways so what the fuck the white care

you were talking about rich people being annoyed by non-rich people I was just reading something online that was talking about a deer prudence you know like an advice column over the weekend or something and there was a rich person that was saying you know I live in a very wealthy community and

you know there are billionaires and stuff around us for the most part like the street where I live is doctors and lawyers and things anyway we just noticed that every Halloween there are all these people from the poor neighborhoods that come in and like you know trick or treat and ask for candy and I just really feel like we're already doing so much

you know and paying so many taxes for this that and the other like does Halloween now have to become a social service and basically the advice giver was like wow like you are an asshole like it's Halloween it's kids in candy like are you really trying to make a bigger statement about society

over Halloween wait a minute you cancelled Halloween at our house not because of any sort of like class issue I cancelled Halloween because people were coming over here acting like fucking morons I don't want 40 year old people just standing there

dead eyed looking at me like what's up with the candy or high school kids who don't even have isn't that what this guy is saying in a way who don't even have the decency alright well then just take the age of the people out of it high schools kids who don't even have the decency to come in a fucking costume

who don't even have the decency to say trick or treat they stand there staring at you you would get an applause break in this guy's gated community right now but it's like coming I don't like women of color but this one makes sense yeah exactly

don't come in here and be like fucking weird about it whatever any kid that comes into the neighborhood from wherever they are Halloween is awesome in that way because it's cute fun kids they're excited about going out they're with their parents

their parents are like say thank you you give out candy to 8 o'clock at night and then you turn the light out exactly that's the thing the kids that come with no costumes and it's like I'm afraid they're gonna egg the house so I feel like I have to give them candy like it's bullshit it's annoying

to reciprocate the spirit of Halloween it's not just me handing out candy I need a little something from you too can you imagine you're so broke that you look forward to Halloween so you can fucking walk up and try to get a candy bar from another adult

do you realize how fucking demoralizing that is we're getting off track we're getting off track but there's also freeloaders out there too this is the thing what that guy is saying is how a lot of rich people view people who aren't rich

we should be privileged that we're in their presence yeah like that type of guy that type of guy do you think that that type of guy would give a shit if the rest of the world got phased out and was replaced by robots

that would work for him would never go on strike and were so lifelike that he could fuck them and it would feel like he was with the person that's their idea of utopia because they're fucking sociopaths not all of them but generally speaking

they're sociopaths is that the beginning of most sci-fi novels and it's like the convenience of it and it's great and then the robots eventually take over because they're smarter than us and they've somehow been able to continue to evolve beyond our programming

which is kinda like what her was about and then basically because then they forget that like they don't know how to well actually a sci-fi movie what would happen was there'd be a few humans that they allowed to live and then we work for them

it's basically the planet of the apes fucking template over and over and over again and then we come back and either Mark Wahlberg or Morris Chestnut or one of those fucking guys Ooh Morris Chestnut please would be is that really his name

I guess it is that sounds like the name of a cat Morris Chestnut yeah it does like somebody who like lives with cats and not people and then all of a sudden just like and gives him like real names Morris Chestnut

that over there now that's Morris Chestnut strapping hunking chocolate piece of gorgeousness that's in movies you've never said that about me I sound like I used to on Archer nope

alright advice hey Bill fellow redhead here in need of some advice no jesus another freckle face here I'm 21 years old and after 2 years of college I decided to drop out because I didn't I simply didn't see a future that would make

me happy smart move you need a regroup figure out what you want I know I may have burned a bridge here and made an irrational decision I really couldn't take any more of it since I felt like I was wasting my time and effort and my dad's hard earned money since he paid for the tuition

my parents aren't exactly ecstatic but they are not furious either I have a job and all that stuff and I've been playing guitar for nearly 4 years now so I'm not bad but not nearly as good as I want to be considering I like metal and crap like that

I'd really appreciate some advice on whether or not I made a terrible decision that was part of me said I did and another said I didn't should I simply be more open minded about my future or should I pursue my dream of being a musician even though that's extremely

far off I think you meant to say far off and unrealistic deep down I feel like I'll figure something out because I always have in the past when something big comes up and what not thanks in advance really like your work and your podcast you cheer me up with your jokes when life gets me down

alright yeah dude why don't you go to music school you're 21 you dropped out of college maybe because it just wasn't they didn't offer the kind of curriculum you were into so you said I've been playing guitar for nearly 4 years now so I'm not bad but nearly as good as I want

to be considering I like metal and crap like that why don't we sort of take this back to the first advice that you gave why don't you find like why don't you shut up you look gorgeous this morning by the way see how you do that people um anyways

I meant it go to uh why doesn't it go to music school here's the deal you know a music program so you can get better um play guitar keep playing guitar every second it's like the first advice you can give play guitar all the time

here's the big thing in this email is that you having that that's my impression of metal um this is why school is so fucked up this guy is literally ignoring his heart staying in school because he's following

the fucking herd this guy wants to play guitar dude I let me ask you this how happy are you when you're playing guitar when you're doing other activities are you thinking I wish I was playing guitar that that's what you're supposed to be doing on whatever level and if you

think you're not good enough like you've been playing guitar for 4 years you can be a rhythm guitarist in a band how cool is Malcolm Young he wrote all those fucking riffs for AC DC poor guy's got them sick now man it sucks um but anyways like

uh that's what you do join a fucking band just join a band go down to the music store they always have those fucking things we were looking for a rhythm guitar just do that and just make you a whole life

what about music give guitar lessons just your whole fucking life becomes music and then eventually you're gonna be in the music world you might end up uh who knows being a producer for albums you might end up being in a band that makes it you might end up managing but you're gonna be

in the music business you're gonna be around music which is what you love okay I think there's a reason that you did it I think the reason why you're thinking oh maybe I shouldn't have done that is because 99% of your friends are all you know well if I got 2 more years of college and I'm gonna go out in the job world and I'm gonna get married have two and a half kids blah blah

which is fucking fine if that's what you want to do but you do not want to do this you want to play guitar so you made a great decision congratulations and the balls that that took to fucking walk away from college I didn't have the balls to do that I felt like I had to finish I gotta get a degree I gotta get a degree and uh I should have just went right down to a comedy club

I knew from the time I was 14 years old that I wanted to be a stand up comic and it took me until I was 24 to finally get the balls up to do it so you're way ahead of the game you're gonna be fine alright and I gotta go to work here so that's that's gonna be it here for the podcast

thank you everybody for listening thank you to the lovely Nia for dropping in you're welcome the next time I'm coming come on here though we need to talk about some of the stuff I heard you screaming about earlier about what something about women and something ignorant that you say which is I guess the fucking joke

what did I say they said a bedpan smashed across yeah you think that's a wrestling reference were you talking about Ebola or something like that too I don't know what it was it was something like that something along those lines I was speaking to that I gotta

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