Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-28-13

Episode Date: October 28, 2013

Bill rambles about dying in space, Halloween and being attack by a grandmother.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, October 28th, 2013. Three days before Halloween, everybody. Ah, the little bastards are coming. You know, they're all going to come walking up to the door. Do you know the lovely Nia has canceled Halloween for this year? She was so fucking mad after last year. We went all out and I got the full-sized candy bus, right? Because I wanted to be that house. The fucking good shit house. Dude, you got to go up the hill. Yeah, they got the full-sized ones. You know, like people would actually say anything. The good people would. The future banker kids, they wouldn't say shit, you know? They'd sit there with their little fucking Fisher Price pocket watch and say, nothing to see here. And they'd probably try to go back for seconds. But anyways, yeah, I'm behind. I got to go eat a pumpkin. I got to make my traditional pumpkin bread.

And you can laugh all you want. It's the shit. And if you ever had it, you'd fucking apologize to me both verbally and in writing. That's how fucking good my pumpkin bread is. I'll put it up against any of you fucking ladies. Any fucking women out there? Huh? You want to go head-to-head with my pumpkin bread? You know what I say? You know what I say? Say fucking bring it! No, I'm joking. It's pretty fucking good though. It should be. It'd be fucking moist to February. But anyways, yeah, last year there was just like a bunch of high school kids walking up with barely a costume on. They have that shit-eaten grin on their face. You know that fucking age when kids get into high school and they think they're smarter than adults? And they think adults are morons because, you know, we're not listening to their fucking music or whatever the hell it is because they're starting to shave.

They get that fucking look on their face, which is hilarious. I don't get mad at it because I did the same thing. It's really fucking funny when you think about it that you would think that, I guess because when you look at adults, we got wrinkles on our face. We got the pot belly. They forget about the experience, the life experience that we have. Like we're not fucking trying to do chin-ups here, sir. Young man. Okay, we're talking about a little business transaction here with your dumb fucking fake mustache on. I know what the fuck you're doing. You think I didn't do that at your age? You little fucking three-whiskered cunt. Get the fuck off my porch. Now, see, that's what I think we should do. I think we should still hand out the candy because Nia's dumb at the whole fucking thing. I don't know. If you guys listened to my podcast from last year, there was some fucking guy. I don't know where what his accent was.

But he wanted some candy with his kids and this guy was like three years younger than me and I just was like, really? Really? And he was just like, yes. Like, really? And he's like, yes. And I didn't know what to do. I fucking choked in the moment and I gave him candy. I should have been like, get the fuck out of here. This is your costume going as a fucking immigrant. That's what you are. That's like me being a red-headed douche. Why don't you give me some of your fucking baklava? What the fuck you make? So anyways, but you know, I don't want to fuck over the kids. Kids are adorable. And you know, if they're going to get cavities, I'd like it to come from this house. They're going to be future little fat fucks. I'd like to start right here on my front porch.

I think she's coming around. I think she's coming around. We went to the movies last night and we saw gravity. We got to find ourselves a new kind of gravity. And that was fucking amazing. But you know what sucks? The last fucking, like the last five times I've gone to go see a movie in IMAX. You know, Nia always sets it up and I always say, look, this is IMAX, right? This is IMAX. Yes, yes, it's IMAX. It's IMAX. There's like IMAX and then there's IMAX Lite where it's the smaller screen. The only fucking time I've ever gone to a movie and I really saw it in IMAX is when I saw the Heath Ledger Batman. And that was one of those deals where I couldn't see the cunts head in front of me and I felt like I was going to fall off the edge of the earth. All right, that's IMAX. What I saw last night was not IMAX. That was the that was the Bud Light of IMAX where it's it is a giant screen.

But like to me, IMAX is all you can see is the screen in front of you. So fucking annoying. Those douchebags down there in Universal City Walk, they got like three IMAX ones. They got the real one. You know, the Alec Baldwin one, and then they got the Billy Baldwin and the fucking Stephen Baldwin one. And if you're not careful when you go down there, they fucking pass you off. You know, not saying that it's not still a good experience, not saying that those aren't too fine actors, but it's not Alec patriotic. It's not him. All right, so last saw I was a little disappointed with that, but other than that was fucking great. Sandra Bullock killed it. And Jesus Christ. And it's just just the thought of I think I could actually I could be at peace floating away from a station and dying that way and slowly just having the oxygen go out as lonely as that would seem.

Just the fucking, as long as I wasn't just twirling through the air doing somersaults and there's the earth and there's the sun and there's the space and there's the earth. I couldn't fucking handle that. If I was just sitting there floating, looking back at Earth and just sort of drifting away, I think that that would be a pretty fucking cool way to die. What do you just gradually go to sleep? I don't know if you're breathing in only carbon dioxide. Do you get like a headache? I mean, that that way it's such a fucking peaceful way to go. If you're going to die before your time. Okay. Okay, what do you have falling off a building? Fuck. Right.

Fucking wind in your ears. You're going down making noise. Fucking whatever noise you'd make on the way down. Fuck that. Getting eaten like I think beyond what would you rather get burned to death, burned alive or get eaten by a shark. I mean, eating alive is fucking brutal. Like if I had to get eaten alive, I'm going with a big cat, big cat in Africa. It's fucking over after seeing the lion tamer there, which really, that's really just a title. Nobody tames a fucking lion. You basically, you had a good day. You're on a good run, but you know what's going to happen eventually. You know what I mean? That's like getting an honorary doctorate from a fucking school. I have an honorary doctorate from Harvard. Great. Well, you're not smarter than anybody or you're not even as smart as anybody who went to this school.

You just wrote the Macarena or you fucking had your own sitcom. You know, and they knew that all those eggheads were going to be boring as hell when they were given speeches on graduation day. So they brought you when you're a fucking clown and they give you a piece of paper. That's the same thing with lion tamers. All right. You're not taming them. Okay, you're trying to break their spirit, but at the end of the day, they're a fucking lion and they're the king of the beast. Okay, although some would say that the Bengal tiger could kick the shit out of a lion. I don't know about kick the shit out of him, but I don't know.

But anyways, just watching that lion tamer in Vegas, like when that thing grabbed him by the throat, that dude went limp in like fucking two seconds. It was like when you watch the UFC, you know, when someone gets choked out, you get choked out real fucking quick. So I don't know. I wouldn't want to get mauled. Like I wouldn't want to get attacked by a bear. They're very sloppy. You know what I mean? They're very like rip your face off and, you know, eat a little buddy and then come back later after they took a nap kind of shit. I like the lions tigers. They just get right to it. They grab you by your fucking throat and two seconds. That's it. You're out. It's dead. It's over. And then they, you know, then they have a meal.

I wonder if any of us taste better than the others. Like if you ate healthy, if you're like a, if you eat like a macro biotic diet, if you're like a grass, like grass-fed cattle, as opposed to an asshole like me smoking cigars, drinking booze, occasionally going to McDonald's. Do I, do I taste more like, you know, Drake's cakes, some dried out shit? I don't know. But anyways, when you look at all those, and then the worst of all the getting eaten alive, other than a fucking Komodo dragon, which would basically bite you and then slowly follow you around for the next three days as the poison takes over, you know, as you're laying there. And the thing's like two feet away, you know, just staring at you. It's lizard tongue flicking at the side of your face, but not eating you. You know, that's fucking horrific.

Plus, you know, reptiles, they just don't, they just don't have any, there's no emotion. They're heartless. They don't give a fuck. Mammals, even like a lion or something, they have some sort of understanding what the fuck it is they're doing, just like, you know, reptiles are like the Terminator. Not even Terminator could talk. I don't know what the fuck they are, but they freak me out. I don't, I don't like them. I really don't. I respect mammals. I have, I don't like reptiles. There, I made that statement and I'm sure I'm going to get some backlash on that and I'm prepared to go and CNN and defend myself when I go and split screen with some fucking lizard lover. But anyways, so if you're floating through space, like I could, I could die like that. I definitely could, as long as I wasn't cold, as long as that suit held up and I was just sort of floating.

That would kind of be the most, that would be the ultimate premature death. You're going to die in your 30s, 40s or whatever. I got it. Still at half my life ahead of me or whatever. As long as I wasn't tumbling, if I was just sitting there floating looking back at the planet for the last 20 years of my life, and that's pretty fucking awesome. You know, me and Lance Bass up there just hanging out. I don't fucking know. I have no idea. Anyways, I am seven days in. No, six days in. No booze. Shut it down. I'm getting the glow back. All right. I've been juicing. Although yesterday was a bad day exercise day for me. I just sat on the couch all fucking day and gave a fuck.

You know, just watch sports all day and gave a shit. Who's the worst? I watched that Patriots Dolphins game with right out right out of right out of the gate. My thanks to the officiating crew that that worked that game. I am trying to remember the last time I've watched a game where my team got so many fucking huge calls to keep the drive going. That pass interference call on grunt on that defensive back against Gronkowski was criminal criminal. I believe that gave us kept the drive alive. We got three points on that one. And then they had the phantom hands to the face flag thrown three, like three, four seconds after the play ended. Travesty. And then there was the fumble.

And they said the Dolphins slapped it forward or whatever. I mean, that's one of those borderline was he reaching for it or whatever. But after those other two fucking ones, we get the benefit of the doubt again. Brady got sacked. He fumbled the ball and the ball went 10 yards back in the other direction. We got the ball back and it was first down lost 15 yards and still somehow it was first down and we were able to come back and beat him. And I got to say the Patriots are overachieving this year. It's really an unreal. I can't believe the record that what are we six and two? Is that what it is? We lost to the Jets and we lost to the Bengals. But you know, I'm not like I'm a realist. I know what's going to happen.

We play the Broncos. I know what's going to happen if we played the Seahawks or if we played the Colts or even the 49ers. Look, I know Belichick is a fucking genius and that we can somehow I don't know what. But at this point, you know, that was what was driving me fucking nuts yesterday is they start the goddamn game. And they talk about how the Patriots have injuries at all three levels on that defense. We're missing our best guy, Vince Wilfork, our defensive line. Best guy plus Kelly, our best linebacker, Mayo is out for the season. Our best corner, a key to leave. They're all out. They're all fucking out. Hernandez went to fucking jail. Gronk just got back.

Amandola is fucking in and we got we got nothing going on. You know, so they address that. And then the end of the game, I'm watching Hall of Fame fucking players talking about Brady's numbers and how his numbers are down and go, this is an atypical. I mean, Tom Brady with 125 yards passing. It's like you just fucking said, how about Tom Brady? Somehow we're fucking six and two with nobody fucking nobody. We got nobody. We got Gronk back, but we got fucking nobody and we're somehow winning goddamn games and I don't know. So I am a realist. So despite the fact that we're six and two, you know, I know, I know the hammers coming down. I know it is even if we win the division and all that. I mean, I'm not delusional at all.

And then after I'm dealing with that shit, I actually call up Verzi to talk about these moron fucking analysts and Verzi, I'm gonna start. He is just sprinkling his fairy dust on the New York Giants like every fucking week, right? They all win one, all in two. And he's just going like, dude, you know, I think we're gonna win next week. Oh, and three, dude, I think we're gonna win next week. Oh, and four, oh, and six, right? And he starts going like, dude, you know, I think we can go on a fucking run here and blah, blah, blah, right? So now they've won two weeks in a row. Okay. And I know they're not, they're nowhere as near as bad as their fucking record, but Verzi fucking yesterday did the classic Paul Verzi. Okay. I remember in when the Patriots played the Giants the first time in the Super Bowl, right before the Super Bowl starts, he goes, dude, I'm telling you, you know, I think the Giants could surprise some people today.

That's what he said. I think they could surprise some people day. He wasn't saying they are. He wasn't putting any money on it. He just threw it out there, which is perfect because if they do, he gets to be like, dude, what'd I say? And then if they didn't, he goes, well, I just said, you know, I just had a feeling fucking that non-committal shit. So now he goes, the NFC fucking East is so fucking pathetic this year. The Giants started 0-6. They're now 2-6 and they're only two games out of 1st. They could actually win their division. All right. Which is, which is classic Giants the last like seven years. It's just like the planets aligned for these guys. It is their fucking time. So what does Verzi say yesterday? He goes, dude, I'm telling you, I think they could go on a run. They're gonna play us and then they could, they could win the Super Bowl. Perfect. Perfect fucking prediction. Didn't say they're gonna, didn't put any money down. He throws it out there.

So I'm guaranteeing you if, if, if the Giants win the fucking Super Bowl, he's going to go, dude, I called it because he threw it out there. I swear to God, it's listening to that guy predicts shit. It's like watching a guy play roulette who just comes up with chips and just fucking dumps him on a bunch of different numbers. Ah, fucking, it drives me insane. And please send this clip to him. You don't even need to because I'm going to give him shit about it today. And I actually like the Giants and that type of thing. And I think that they could go on a fucking run. And who knows if they get healthy? I mean, who knows? But I mean, I don't know. I don't see them. I don't know. The Saints, the fucking Seahawks, there's a lot of guys to get through. You know what I mean? But I mean, the way the, the reason why the NFL is great is everybody does have a fucking shot, especially if you play in the fucking NFC East. But I don't, I'm going to give them some shit. I'm going to tell him right now, I'm going to call that fucker today. All right. And I'm going to say, listen, I want you to put money on it right now that the Giants are going to win the fucking Super Bowl.

All right. And if you don't put money down on it, then I don't want to hear a fucking word out of you. You know, you know what's a classic Paul Versey pick? Uh, Xander Bogarts. I was watching that shit, you know, just watching the guy. I heard a little hype about him. I read a little bit about him. And then I watched like two at bats and I'm watching this 21 year old kid working the count in the fucking World Series. And I'm like, this is a Versey pick right here. He would jump on the bandwagon. And I'm telling you, I think this kid could do something. Oh, is he going to be pissed at me? I'm just fucking with you, Paul. But for the love of God, just say some shit's going to happen and put some fucking money on it.

Stop with your fucking. I'll tell you, you know, I think it could rain this week. Um, all right. Plowing ahead here. Uh, a lot of sports this fucking week, as always, I feel really bad cause I've been neglecting my Bruins. I know we lost to the devils and I know we beat, I think we beat San Jose crazy in the last second shot. I've just been wrapped up watching baseball and, uh, I gotta tell you, dude, I did not miss it. Watching playoff baseball when your team is in it will take fucking 30 years off your life per game. And, um, and I know that's not a unique experience. I know Tigers fans have gone through it and I know Cardinals fans have gone through it, certainly with us being two, two games apiece.

And, um, I gotta tell you, it's been exciting, but I fucking hate baseball. I can't handle watching the shit. I hate that there's no fucking clock. It just, I hate that you just can't fucking win a game easily. You can't just be up a bunch of fucking runs and everything's good. You can't just be up four to one and it's all good. You know, at some point between the six and the eighth inning, the other team is somehow they walks the first guy on base and then it's just going to be this fucking nightmare. And then they're going to take the guy out and some other fucking stiff is going to come in and it's just, I have Tourette's when I watch it. I have to walk away. I have to go in the other room.

I have to put the thing on mute because I'm convinced Tim McCarver not hates the Red Sox and the Yankees. I learned that he hates the Yankees through Verzi and, uh, you know, he's a former Cardinal. I just think he just fucking, and I'm really trying to listen objectively going, is this guy criticizing the Cardinals the way he's criticizing it slash predicting possible bad shit for the Red Sox? The fucking guy drives me up the goddamn wall. Um, he says positive shit about Ortiz and positive shit about Xander Bogart. So other than that, it's just gloom and doom with that guy drives me up the fucking wall. But, um, I have no idea who's going to win this series and it's been a great series so far and two of the most bizarre endings to games,

games out three and four and that, uh, that obstruction thing. I'm not going to be a bitch and complain about it. Um, I don't know what the rule is like most baseball fans. The first time I saw the definition of it was that night and I don't fucking know. I mean, I think it's more positive way of looking at is probably we shouldn't have thrown the ball down to third base. Slash, we probably should have caught the ball and, uh, I don't know. I don't know how you call obstruction when you miss the first, the first half of the collision. That would be my only part of it, but it seemed like everybody, including our own manager said they got it right.

So, uh, so they got it right. The fuck are you going to do? Um, whatever. It's tied up to anybody's fucking game and I hope we're going to win. I'm obviously I want the Red Sox to win, but I really want us to win because I can tell how much Verzi wants us not to win. How much he fucking hates the Red Sox and their fucking beards and their anti anti Yankee dress code. It's driving him like the level that he gives a fuck makes me laugh because it reminds me of the ridiculousness of why do I care? It's like, especially with Verzi, it's like, why the fuck dude, you got 27 championships.

If we win this one, it's our eighth. What is the problem? But he for some reason fucking hates the Red Sox. You know, for the most part, other than 04 in the last fucking nine years, we've done nothing but wonderful things for the Yankees. And you know, you'd think if Chicago could find it into in their hearts to thank us, you know, you'd think that a Yankee fan like Verzi could say something nice. You know, but I don't think he has it in him. I'm just fucking with them. All right, let's let's do a little advertising here for this week.

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So you can get the extended free trial and that they know that we sent you. Go to huluplus.com. Now, or click on the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com. There you go. Anybody watch Fast and Loud this week? I taped a bunch of episodes and I have a new favorite car.

I've always been a Ford guy and the dude Casey on the show paints the cars, which I think is so fucking badass. I was never really into the body work. At first, I was into watching them do the suspensions and dropping motors in and that type of thing. But over the years of watching the shit on YouTube and watching people redoing cars and stuff,

I'm really starting to get into knowing how to paint the car. It looks so fucking easy, but I watched Richard do it one week and he sucked at it. So I really see that there's an art to it. But anyways, that dude Casey on the show had this 55 Ford Custom Line. And I think that's what Custom Line or Custom Line are. I'd never heard of it.

I was always sweating the fucking bell airs thinking that Chevy was doing it right. And let me look this up here. Yeah, Custom Line and they redid that one and they painted it fucking all white. They took the chrome off of it. That car was the shit. And then they ended up selling it to Mark Cuban

of the Dallas Mavericks. And I swear to God, if you ever get sick of that car, I'd buy it. I'd buy it off him. I don't know if I'd pay what the fuck he paid for it. I don't know that kind of money. But Jesus, such a badass fucking car. So anyways, I'm in town.

After, you know, I've been on the road this whole, basically this entire year and I got a two week break here and I've been really enjoying myself just hanging around the house finally. I've gotten back into playing drums a little bit. I'm doing that Mike Johnston 10 days to faster hands work out. I highly recommend it.

I'm six days in as of today. I'm finally able to stick with it just because, you know, when I travel, I kind of barnstorm around where it's like a different city every night. And it's really hard, you know, you bring a practice pad and your drumsticks and trying to find a table high enough to big pain in the ass.

So making sure that I'm doing it this time. I'm sticking with it. And anyways, I'm getting back into all my hobbies. Believe it or not this week, I'm actually going to try to make homemade ravioli. I don't know. I'm all over the fucking map. Nia said that to me the other day.

She goes, you're all over the map. You have ADD. You can't, you play drums. You play guitar. You make pumpkin bread. You know, you can fix cars a little bit. The outskirts basically. I can't really fix cars.

I can do a little bullshit on it. I could have fucked up my seatbelt. I got to put that in. That's a couple of bolts. I can handle that shit. Whatever. You ride motorcycles a little bit. You're all over the fucking map.

And I was like, wait a minute. But I stuck with stand-up comedy. I've been doing that almost 22 years straight. She goes, yeah, well, you know. Yeah, well, you know, that's the fucking thing I do. Everything else is the other shit I do. Isn't that right, Cleo?

Look at her over there. She got her two beds stacked up on each other, like a fucking double cheeseburger. I've never seen anything sleep more in its life than that dog. Oh, by the way, I'm doing a benefit this Sunday. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. I'm doing a benefit for pit bulls, and it's going to be down at Largo Theater this Sunday.

That would be November, second or third, November 3rd. I'm going to be down there with a bunch of other comedians, a bunch of dog lovers. Who the hell else is on it? I can't remember. Me, Whitney Cummings, a couple other people, and I did this benefit last year.

And it's a great cause. And what's even better is they bring a bunch of pit bulls down there. And it really is my favorite fucking dog. It's just the best. They get the best heads. They're fucking jacked, you know? You should see my dog's legs. It's ridiculous.

Her back legs, when she goes to stretch, I'm telling you, I've said this before. You remember that Road Runner episode where Wiley Coyote took that shit to make him run really fast and he'd run it and he had the flames. Remember that? He took it. It was like roids for his thighs.

Fucking legs look like. And every morning she wakes up and I squeeze. I'm like, shaman. All right. Hey, last week I talked about the Greenpeace 30. And now they got arrested for piracy and just like, was there any sort of thought behind, you know, you're boarding a goddamn Russian,

I don't know, drilling platform? What the fuck did you think was going to happen? So they got arrested for piracy. So we're going to really follow this. I'm really going to follow this story to see what happens. It's just insane. Like right now they are, first of all, it got dropped down. Let's see here.

Greenpeace Arctic 30s plight highlights the inhumanity of Russian jails. All right. That's a different one. It's now a month now since the 30 Greenpeace activists arrested for attempting to board the, I'm not even going to try to say it. I'm not. I'll give you a laugh.

Preya Zamo Lama Yamala fucking oil platform. We're transferred from police lockups to remand prisons in mermans, the mermans region in the Arctic Circle. That really scared the shit out of me. Like I literally thought that they were on just, they built these jails on the ice, but it's sort of the one of the most northwest, I think it's the most northwest city in Russia.

Basically it butts up against like Finland, Sweden, Norway, like the top of those countries. So they're kind of all the way up there in these goddamn jails. And where the hell is it here? They actually were able to, they reduced the charges. So they're now, Russian drops piracy charges, cuts maximum jail term in half,

activists face up to seven years in prison if convicted. Basically they, I think they knocked it down to, I don't know, almost like hooligan behavior. It says Russia on Wednesday dropped the piracy charges against 30 people involved in a Greenpeace. Sorry about that. The batteries cut out on me.

Speaking of Greenpeace, I was trying to make sure I used up all my other batteries before I fucking throw them out, because I don't know where the fuck to recycle them. Where the hell was I? I'll just start it over again. They dropped the piracy charges, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They face up to seven years down from 15 years.

The charges against the activists who protested the platform last month have been changed from piracy to hooliganism, the federal investigative committee said. And there's a whole Greenpeace thing. If you guys want to get involved and try to help get these knuckleheads out of jail, I don't know, like protesting. This is a really sad truth.

Protesting is difficult enough in your own country, even if you have a democracy, because you know the cops are going to show up. You know what the deal is. And as much as you tell everybody just remain peaceful and then they won't club us down, somebody eventually ends up throwing a rock or doing something or some conspiracy theorists

say that the government hires somebody to go in with the protesters and throw something so then the cops can then beat them down and tear gas them. I don't know if that's fucking true, but I'd love to think it is. It's hard enough to fucking do it in your own country. I got to give it up the fucking balls those people had to try and do that.

And just the situation that they're in, it reminds me of that documentary I saw on the ganja queen, did you guys ever see that? It was basically this lady that went to Bali and according to her she loaded a boogie board with a boogie, you know, she checked that and that was her carry on and then when she got off the plane, the Bali state fucking troopers

came over and said hey is that your boogie board fucking satchel and she goes yeah it is and then they opened it up and there was all this weed in there. It was all this weed man and they don't, in Indonesia they don't fuck around when it comes to drugs. They have a zero tolerance for it and if you get busted with the shit, I think they put you to death is what they usually do

and they say that, I just did Tom Rhodes podcast and we kind of started to talk about this and they basically, he's been to Bali and I was like dude don't you get scared and you sort of laugh, he goes no I just don't bring any drugs into the country and I'm just kind of like well what if just something happens? What if somebody next to you has them

and just shoves them in your pocket? I know that's a ridiculous fear but like, you know what, I mean look, I'll go to another country and the country is that if you kill somebody it's punishable by death and I can live within that because I just can be like well you know I'm not going to kill anybody. I think it's because over here if you get busted with weed

and a lot of states now it's legal and then if you get busted it's like no big deal unless of course you have a bunch of it and you get busted for trafficking that's a whole other deal but I mean it's not like somebody can just drop a bunch of kilos of weed on you plant that on you stick them in your fucking backpack you're going to know they're there

but just the fact that you have one goddamn joint on you like dude I would walk into that country naked I'd come in with a fucking speedo I'd get a colonic the week before I would juice for a fucking month and I would have a cattle prod and keep all other passengers away from me and I would walk into there wearing a goddamn thong

and that's the only way and even then I would be scared punishable by fucking death, Jesus Christ so anyways if you want to watch something really disturbing watch this ganja queen it was what she was called in the papers over there they opened up her boogie board a satchel or whatever the fuck you call it

carry on case and there was a bunch of weed in there and they were like we're going to put you to death in the Australian whatever the fucking syndicate whatever you call it the embassy tried to get this woman out of it and just watch that documentary I mean obviously the Greenpeace 30 they're not going to get put to death

but I'm sitting here scrolling across the maps here looking at this shit where Bali is over there and there's Murmansk there it is right there Jesus Christ just fuck that how the fuck is anybody going to help you oh my god

that's why I always do that amnesty international because that is a fucking fear of mine just being thrown in a goddamn jail do you remember that show Arrested Abroad did you ever see that thing I watched that with Nia one time and Nia loves traveling she goes that made me never want to fucking

go anywhere again in my life but it was just one of those things it was always like these fucking people were trying to smuggle drugs out of the country I mean I'm trying to think of something that takes more balls than that I'm sure that you guys can come up with something but just being in a country where if you get caught

you're going to go into that goddamn gulag and you're not going to be able to speak the language I mean talk about a man without a fucking country and you're going to have to go in there I mean Jean-Claude Van Damme the height of his powers is getting fucking ass raped in that situation it's just you're done

you're fucking finished Jesus Christ I mean I get not working in a cubicle they wanted to make you fucking money but there's got to be some other talent that God gave you where you can make money that doesn't involve shoving a key of coke up

your fucking ass trying to get out of Columbia there's got to be another way to do it riding your fucking moped to the airport on unpaved roads there has to be a better way there's got to be a better way to do it anyways let's fucking move on here

are we far enough into the podcast here now that the thing cut out I got to do the math here I was like 35 ah Jesus I don't fucking know let's read a I think I went through everything that I wanted to talk about didn't I oh yeah I'm a little out of it here

I haven't eaten yet today because last night I ate late at night I ate it like one in the morning I think it was when I finally stopped eating came home had one of those fucking anti-pasta plates and like fucking one in the morning and I adhere by that rule that you go 12 hours after your last meal

like if you eat at eight o'clock at night eat the next day eight in the morning I stayed up till one in the morning so I'm not eating till one in the afternoon alright that's how you become a tub of shit alright you go to bed at one you wake up at seven thirty in the morning you have to go to work

and then you eat a bacon egg and cheese or a fucking donut and it's over it's fucking over so that's it I'll tell you I got down to like fucking a buck seventy I told you

I was going to get into sitting down no shirt on shape that's what I want to get back to just one more fucking time in my life you know they're always making these movies you know they're going to do it one more time they got one coming out

that I'm going to go see that one with De Niro Michael Douglas and fucking Morgan Freeman Alan Arkano I think he's in there too I don't know if they're all in there

but like I'm going to go see you know they're doing it one more time right that's what the fuck I'm doing with my stomach and I'm having a hell of a time because if you just stop eating you end up losing muscle all of a sudden I looked down at my arm

I had the arms of a seventh grader and I still had my little fucking beer belly you know looking like a god damn turtle right now so I got to do something I got to fucking eat more meat fucking do more I don't know what I got to do probably have to get a personal trainer

I don't want to do that if somebody holding my ankles and I'm doing sit ups I can't fucking do that shit I was speaking to Michael Douglas you know I finally sat down and I watched behind the candelabra

you know I am I'm too homophobic I was too homophobic to watch it and you know this is the thing about being homo being homophobic there's all different levels of it

like that word oh he's homophobic and then you get it like you think gays are going to hell and they shouldn't be married and what they're doing is unnatural I'm not homophobic like that I think you know

being gay is just how you're naturally wired so it's completely natural and go out and fucking have at it you know fuck as many as you can do your thing I don't give a fuck get married

have a hell of a fucking time you know God bless you but I get like I don't know what it is in movies when there's guys kissing each other and caressing each other

it makes me fucking uncomfortable and then there was something about watching Michael Douglas and Matt Damon playing footsie with each other like that fucking I didn't want to see him in a hot tub together I couldn't fucking watch it

I'm getting uncomfortable talking about it but whatever I'm being honest so anyways I was on the road or something I don't know where the fuck I was at I was back in Boston and it came on

and I watched the second half of it and I got to tell you something that was it was absolutely fucking phenomenal it was fucking hilarious I'm going to have neon here at some point and do her Michael Douglas impression

going Scott Scott I can't do it as well as she can they were what Michael Douglas and Matt Damon killed it in that fucking movie and

and I was actually rooting for Matt Damon's character I felt bad for him it's like dude you got to get out of this relationship you're fucking up your face you got to get off the drugs you know

he's bringing in some younger guys the writing's on the wall you got to get out of here man go take some night classes you know do something else what the fuck are you doing with this old man with sparkly fucking coats

and his goddamn toupee you know what I mean he's using you I got into it like that that's how well it was done I highly recommend that two thumbs up behind the candelabra

old fucking homophobe Billy he liked it not 100% homophobe old 20% homophobe is that offensive to say homophobe am I supposed to say homophobic

there's something about abbreviating shit that makes people annoyed like you're not supposed to say tranny anymore and you know what's funny I don't even know if that's short for transvestite or transsexual

I don't understand why that's bad that's like if he names Mike and somebody hey Mikey is that bad you know that's really offensive my name is Michael

thank you very much transvestite what do you say to dick in a dress why are you doing there buddy sweet out you know you can't fucking say that evidently

despite if in your heart you don't think there's anything wrong I don't give a fuck if that's what you want to do God bless you you know God bless you put on some fucking heels walk down the street

and let people know what you're doing I don't give a shit I really don't I really don't just fucking don't play your music too loud don't trick or treat past a certain age

and I don't know what else if you're drunk I don't mind if you talk to me when you're drunk just you know keep your distance is there anything worse than with somebody

I had somebody over the weekend I was down at the comedy store and just somebody was fucking wasted and they just you know somebody's wasted and they just come up to you you're in the middle of a conversation

and they just fucking barge they become like you know like toddlers don't give a fuck they have no concept of two people talking they'll just barge in

on the conversation and they'll just I think they used to do a bit on this I don't even know if I ever put it on a special I used to talk about how they were like they were like drunks

and they would just start in the middle of the conversation middle of a story and let you try and figure it out I don't even want to talk about it let's let's let's read let's read some of this shit here

alright is 29 too old hey there Billy Bandwagon for those of you who don't follow me on Twitter I've been going by Bill Bandwagon watching the Red Sox and I gotta tell you right now

I am not Bill Bandwagon anymore after fucking aging 30 years watching all of these goddamn games I am back to die hard I'm not die hard maybe I am maybe I'll come back to watching baseball

we'll see the jury is out but Bill Bandwagon left after we lost two games in a row and there was the obstruction call he took off and die hard Bill fucking hung around

alright anyways first he says I just want to say love the podcast and your comedy specials well thank you very much he goes my question do you think 29 is too old

to start doing stand up I have a decent full time job as a paralegal and consider myself lucky to be gainfully employed however life in an office is miserable and it gets worse

as the years pile on I'm not quitting anytime soon but I've thought about starting to try open mics to see if I'm any good and maybe and maybe what

maybe help me be a little more outgoing what do you think is it still possible when you're damn near 30 thanks and go fuck yourself dude absolutely absolutely and this is the thing

yeah don't quit your day job that's what I did I had a day job and I was like let me try this stand up thing and I started doing it and I immediately loved it and I just kept working on it

working on it but I didn't leave my day job until I actually kept my day job when I could have left it I was making enough money where I could live but I kept my day job

because I knew I was moving down in New York and I wanted to save up some money so I could because I knew that I wasn't going to show up in New York and they all great this fucking guy we don't know is here let's give him a bunch of stage time

I knew I was going to have to struggle so I would absolutely 100% if you're thinking about trying it definitely try it even if you just do it one time you did it you did it I went skydiving one time

I have to tell you guys that story I went skydiving one time I did a static line jump in Pepero, Massachusetts back in the day and I almost had a problem they said sit in the door

sit in the door get out go so you sit in the door they open the door to the plane you sit in the door and then when they say get out you put your feet you put one foot

your left foot on this almost looks like an engine mount that's above one of the wheels of this fucking plane and then you're hanging on to the support for the wing that is above the fucking plane

you're basically like a god damn wing walker and then it'd be basically if you leaned up against a bar if you put your body at a 45 degree angle and you leaned up against a bar in the upright push up position and then you went down

like you were coming down to the floor that's basically the position you're in like you're down to the floor except it's the support to the wing and then you have one foot on the engine what looks like an engine mount and then you have another foot pointed straight out behind you

because what you're going to do it says get you know sit in the door get out and go and he slaps your shoulder you let go of the fucking plane which makes no fucking sense

and then you bring that other leg up parallel to where your other one was sitting out and then you arc alright and what I did was a static line jump so I don't have to pull the shoot but I don't have anybody with me the static line jump

and as you let go it pulls your shoot and you go arc one thousand two one thousand three one thousand look if nothing look reach pull I still remember that shit

like it was yesterday two one thousand three one thousand it's look you turn to see your parachute to see if it's opened if it's open properly

look if nothing look you look down to where your reserve is because if you don't look where it is for some reason you might not be able to grab it so look if nothing look reach

pull and then you pull your reserve shoot and hopefully that thing fucking opens or you're gonna bounce so he was going sit in the door and I was like what he's going sit in the door

I thought he said close the door he's going sit and I find okay so sit in the door so I sit in the door and then he goes get out I got out and then he said go

and when I let go I didn't arc I tried to grab for something and I started doing front flips as my shoot was coming out and I felt it going by the inside of my right leg I felt this

something touch my right thigh and I was going oh my god I'm gonna I'm gonna get wound up in this fucking thing and I don't know who packed that shoot but thank god it fucking came out

and then you had like a little transistor radio or some shit on your shoulder and then they just talked you down you know right toggle, left toggle you had to pull it all the way down to your knee and I remember there was this fat chick in the class and she couldn't get it around her ass and she ended up landing

across the street in a pile of loom and she dislocated her knee fortunately that did not happen for me and it was pretty awesome but I did it that one time never needed to do it again and I have the story

I have the experience so maybe stand up will just be that for you or you could have the experience that I had where the first time I walked to the microphone I felt like I was like an out of body experience like I was watching myself do it

and it was I found my calling in life which is probably one of the most exciting things other than finding the person you're supposed to be with in life so I gotta tell you this dude

if you're in your office every day and it and it is a miserable thing that could mean that you're not you don't have the right job or you need some sort of outlet maybe you're working too hard and maybe just going out

and doing this one night and kind of remembering to try that going out and trying new things is a fun thing to do that you don't have to just be 100% about your career I think that's the thing a lot of fucking adults forget to do

after a while and you have like that thing once you get your life down you know I get up at this hour I drive down this street I go to work I do the same thing every day

I'm comfortable I know everybody there's no new challenges and then no one's gonna make fun of me like they did on the playground and punch me in the face for having freckles right

you can really get caught in that and then you get in a rut so I don't know if you're just in a rut with work or whatever but I would definitely recommend trying going out and trying to stand up believe me dude

that's I'm having more fun with it than I ever had and I'm 22 years in and I never feel like well I've had some struggles you know but you do with anything

but when I'm on stage doing it I never feel like I don't feel like how you feel in the office but I'm not gonna lie to you before I started selling tickets you would when you

it was just a fucking awful show and there was no security and everything but you know anything worth having you know if it was fucking easy everybody would do it so anyways I'm getting too long winded here

go out and try it alright next one dear Bill you ruined the Hobbit he said I'm a big fan of the podcast and your comedy

unfortunately I made the mistake of looking up your comedy on YouTube and came across the clip where you took a shit on Lord of the Rings you know what's funny I don't even remember doing half of this shit

he said it was the scene where the Gandalf Sumbles summons shadow facts the lord of all horses oh Jesus

and you pointed out how ridiculous that was oh I remember that I am the lord of all horses it's just so fucking over the top he goes I don't consider myself to be a big nerd but I do love Star Wars

Lord of the Rings and all that nerd stuff I like all of that shit I watched the Hobbit for the first time yesterday and every time they said something ridiculous I pictured your ginger mug going oh Jesus

I was literally laughing every 30 seconds well there you go then I turned Lord of the Rings into a comedy for you you know I saw a clip of one of those things where the guy just looks like

he has elf ears and he talks to the I am assuming a wizard why don't wizards ever get a haircut why don't they ever take a shave why can't you be

a clean cut wizard are you so busy moving fucking mountains you know somebody get you know get him one of those little toiletry bags the straight razor

I was watching one of those things and I remember the fuck I was at so I got on a plane I was watching TV it's all running together at this point my age days fly by so quick

you can't even remember did I dream that or did my neighbor say it I can't even fucking remember but I was watching one of those elf movies and the fucking lead dude

with the Karl Malden nose and the Spock ears he found a ring now for some reason I thought the Lord of the Rings like if you had the rings I thought the rings were like you know those magic rings

that hacky magicians pull apart I thought that they were that big it looked like you found a wedding ring I don't fucking know anyways so he said he was laughing every 30 seconds

he said I hope you're happy that my enjoyment of the Hobbit was a casualty on your war on nerds I don't have a war on nerds I just call them out on their shit how arrogant is that I just try to keep them honest

I do think that they should teach nerds how to fight rather than trying to stop bullying because you're not going to end bullying you know it's like I started watching the the ultimate fighter where they have these

the women fighters now and I'm telling when I watch when I watch those women fight I get like like psyched for going like I hope some pervert tries to grab her ass

like I hope a rapist like I would never wish that on any of them but for the love of God the next time a rapist tries to rape a woman a woman a woman

like if she has the fucking skills that the women on the the ultimate fighter I mean it's just going to be it's just going to be a great day for humanity you got to see that show

dude these women like for the most part they spar with men because I don't think there's enough women in the sport or whatever so these guys are kind of half assing it

and the women are going like it's you know it's okay to hit me in the face I'm just sitting there like watching the guy fighter still pulling his punches it just goes against everything that you were taught

and everything that is just right in the world to ball your fist up and actually swing and punch a woman is just like I just don't think Christmas would ever be the same after that

like it would just be something you just would lose something but anyways I mean they I can tell you without a doubt every woman on that show would beat the living shit

out of me I wouldn't have a prayer there's nothing you can do once that makes martial arts you know if a woman boxer you have a chance you can out wear

and you can just fucking just shoot her legs and fucking put her on her back and just smother her with a pillow from the couch right you got a shot

but that UFC shit you take her to the ground and then what then they're going to fucking put you in an arm bar they're going to choke you out it's going to be over so of course me

being a guy being a fucking pig I of course got to look at them in a sexual way and I'm like going like alright how do you rock that girl's world in the fucking bedroom

and I don't mean the girly ones I mean the fucking ones that are like the one who's a champion the heavyweight champion or whatever like I don't know what her name is but that one I was just sitting there going alright

what would she like in bed that's going to go she is going to go one way or the other she is either exactly what you think she is you know like the fucking Chicago Bears

they're exactly we thought they were we let him off the hook she's either exactly what you think she's going to be well she's going to be dominant in fucking holding you down slash scaring the shit out of you

wondering if she's going to rip your dick off or I would actually bet I don't know if you went the other way that she would actually be submissive she'd be so sick of beating the shit

out of guys down in the octagon that she would actually almost like one of those fucking Wall Street guys that's calling all the shots and then it just gets so fucking sick of dominating the entire fucking planet

that late at night goes to one of those S&M things and gets on a swing with one of those orange balls in his mouth I don't fucking know but that's the shit I think of when I watch that show you should definitely watch

The Ultimate Fighter dude they had this woman she looked like a fucking librarian or you know this nerd she lost but I just thought it was fucking awesome just looking at her going like

look at that woman you would have no clue you'd have no clue that you know if you talk some shit to her that she would just start raining elbows down on you I just think it's amazing

it's really fucking amazing anyways let's get on with the so I guess I ruined the podcast for this guy I gotta read the last paragraph here he says also it might be a good idea to watch the movie

and record your reactions oh dude I can't sit through that shit it's too fucking long he goes there's a scene where a wizard called Radigast Radigast the brown is being chased by wargs

big wolves riding a sleigh pulled by bunny rabbits dude this movie like I would think that more like people who were into hallucinogens would actually watch this movie because that actually sounds

fucking pretty amazing he says Gandalf goes you can't outrun these wargs they are vermillion wargs the other wizard actually responds there are oh these are and then he says in parenthesis

some corny fantasy place rabbits I'd like to see them try oh so he goes you can't outrun the war these wargs they are vermillion wargs and he says

well these are littleapution rabbits I'd like to see them try that's actual fucking dialogue he goes and then they actually zoom in on his face with a look of pseudo badass determination you know what dude I think I'm going to watch that movie

I think I'll eat up like a fucking pot cookie maybe I'll watch it I don't want to do that though I don't want to put that on YouTube me fucking high giggling like a fucking schoolgirl watching some wizard on a fucking rabbit I don't want to do that

publicly I don't want to do that publicly alright Carrie Underwood she's a singer right he said I recently listened to your podcast or is that one of those guys with a woman name you know like that Shamar guy whatever the fuck his name is

does the hair products and also acts in movies doesn't he I can't fucking name this he goes I recently listened to your podcast concerning the song Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood very funny by the way

you might be interested to know how she has a new song she has a new song out that takes that theme to a completely new level in the song Two Black Cadillacs a woman discovers her husband is cheating on her apparently the mistress didn't realize he was married because she and the wife collaborate on murdering the guy not just destroying his truck and humiliating him

in front of a new girl they end the guy's life here are a few lines from the end of the song alright it says yeah they took turns laying a rose down through a handful of dirt deep into the ground he's not the only one who had a secret to hide so I'm thinking about writing my own country song

the title might be something like Cold Dinner Raw Knuckles yeah well you know that's one of those double standards that you understand why it exists you know it's not like women go around killing guys all the fucking time and it really comes to violence

guys do it more to women than the other way around and it's one of the things that makes it being a guy funny because if a woman actually like right to the point of like cutting getting your dick cut off by a woman like it's just considered funny

like well dude she cut your dick off like other guys just think it's hilarious we're not gonna wear pink you know for all the guys who got their dicks fucking sliced off and thrown in a garbage disposal well not we're just gonna laugh at you whatever you know what I really hear I really don't hear that as an anti-man thing

I hear somebody who's struggling to find a follow-up hit and is going back to the well possibly one too many times but then again I listen to AC DC and they had like three or four themes that they have been doing for 40 years and I think they sound better than ever right they sing about their balls

the devil women in electricity and it's work for them so good for her maybe next one will be like the guy comes back like a zombie and she has a relationship with a zombie and then he cheats on her and then I don't know what she does

however you kill a fucking zombie and they have to watch Lord of the Rings to figure that one out advice on having a baby she had a baby man she had a baby advice on having a baby hey Bill I need some advice you're talking to me what the fuck

I'm nowhere near that he said my wife and I are both 27 years old she's a graduate from college and working I'm getting a master's degree and will not be done for another two and a half years the issue is she is getting to the point where she wants to have a baby not now but some

but sometime right after I graduate I on the other hand am not wanting a baby anytime soon but no but by the time I graduate I will have been in college for nearly eight years after I graduate my wife and I will have a dual

income of well over a hundred grand a year I grew up in a family in a fairly poor family I worked hard to get my schooling so I want to enjoy the rewards I want a nice apartment nice things and to travel the world if we just start having kids we won't be able to travel

and if we just have kids right after I graduate I'll go from a life of stress from school to a life of stress from parenthood but I understand my wife's concern if we wait until we are 33 or 34 to start having kids we could have some trouble conceiving and if it takes

us too long she could give birth to mentally challenged child which does run in my family Jesus Christ dude this is one of the more serious ones I love my wife and plan on being with her the rest of my life it's just a shame that my goals are to travel and have nice things

and her goals are to start a family so what do you think Bill any advice that's some pretty heavy shit there well I don't understand why when you're you're going to school right now that you guys can't save up a little bit of money and go to Aruba for a few days

you can do little mini ones you know what I mean I think there's a way to kind of do both and I think if you express all your concerns to your wife and just say look I don't want to be that couple that just goes from school to having kids

and then once we have kids all we do is just do the kid thing I don't know dude I don't know what to tell you here fuck I definitely understand

I mean you went from a life of poverty to a life of school and then you're going to go to a life of being a parent when do you actually get to sit back and enjoy a nice flat screen TV watching some sports or maybe go travel in Europe or something like that look dude

you could do this you could have a kid I don't know how close you are with you know the parents on either side I think you can have your cake and eat it why don't you just have a fucking kid and then also save up for a fucking

10 day trip somewhere through through Europe and then just make a pact with your wife and just say listen once every two years or once every whatever I want to

go on a trip and we'll leave the kid behind or the kids behind my parents did that they went to Vegas and my grandparents came to time it was great we ended up developing a relationship with our grandparents it was a good thing and it was also good socially

it was good for us as kids to have a different sort of disciplinary dynamic Jesus Christ I remember I tested my grandmother too and she broke a fucking wooden spoon would have been over my head but I got my arm up and I blocked it I kept messing I saw her the way we were renting this

we lived in a duplex when I was a kid for a certain number of years and the way we had it set up was it went kitchen, living room and then dining room so you had to walk through the living room we kind of altered the living room

and kitchen a couple of times trying to figure out which was best and this was just a period where there was it went kitchen and then we had the living room and then we were using the other room as a dining room so anyways there was this old shitty rug

and there was a hole in it so my mother had put a throw rug over the hole on the floor so I saw my grandmother walk by through the living room and she was setting the table and she saw the throw rug was messed up and I just heard her mumble to herself

she said now why does this keep getting messed up so she walked into the kitchen that was literally my cue she straightened out walked into the kitchen so I said alright fuck so I got off the couch and I messed it up and went over and I went back and I sat down so then she comes walking out with

dishes or the food and she sees it again she goes now what just happened I just straightened this out so she straightens it out goes into the dining room walks back into the kitchen and then I got up and I messed it up again she came third time sees it again and she doesn't fucking say anything

which should have been a warning to me so she straightened it out and then she walked into the kitchen and turned the corner and I got back up again to go mess it up and right as I'm grabbing it to mess it up I hear this stomp and she took a quick

step back and look back out right in the middle of it saw me messing it up and she just had this wooden spoon in her hand and just came fucking flying at me like if it was an axe I wouldn't be here if it was a hatchet I would have been dead she gave me like Billy Bob

when she fucking when he kills that country singer right came flying at me I just remember crouching down and putting my arm up and it it fucking snapped in half over my forearm she had this look of anger on her face slammed it down snapped it over my arm and then she just

after it snapped she just went wow that's the end of that spoon and then she just walked back out into the kitchen and that was it so I think that's a good thing if they stay with their grandparents I think you can do both I think as a couple if you really sit down and you say what's important to you

you know and this is very easy for me to say not having a child and having it completely consume your life who knows your priorities might change or whatever but there's also something to say too that if you start early

I mean if you started now your 27 your kid would be 18 when you're 45 my age right now and then you can travel you know 45 kids out of college by the time you're 49 then you have your golden years 50 60 70s 80s depending on how

you eat right and your juice you can live right up to fucking 90 and you can go see the goddamn world but there's no reason why you can't do that right now even though that you're in school there's no reason why you can't go to Puerto Rico or go to Hawaii there's some beautiful cities up in

Canada you know Vancouver Toronto Montreal is fucking tremendous there's all beautiful cities here in the States there's all kinds of things that you can do and you can do them really cheaply when you don't have any kids dude literally

just backpack it just put a backpack on stay in fucking hostels who gives a fuck you know just go I would just say go and do it I would just yeah do it now do it now but I think that you can do both and

I also say everybody I know who's ever had a kid has never regretted it never ever regretted it so you know I but I think it's also important that if you do something like that to to not lose yourself and all of it alright there I've said my piece alright continuing on here

alcohol problem hey Bill love the podcast watching you stand up right now on Netflix and ask me crying left thank you thank you thank you anyways I'm a 25 year old male and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact I have an alcohol oh wait I forgot to do the other advertising here hang on sorry

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hey Bill I love the podcast anyways I am 25 year old male and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact I have an alcohol problem I drink 6 days a week and black out at least once a week all right well

the only saving grace you have is your 25 so you might just be a little immature I don't know if you're an actual alcoholic but I love this it says I drink 6 days a week the nights I get really drunk I really regret doing it

and regret my actions nothing serious just phone or text conversations I have with people I've considered going to AA but never have gone through with it I finally quit smoking 2 months ago and I'm worried if I try to quit drinking now I will start going crazy

I know you have always mentioned you are stupid but I honestly agree with all the advice you give out well thank you my question is do you think I should try and quit cold turkey or are there any other options I can take one of my concerns with quitting completely

is that most of my friends drink and go out on weekends and I don't want to risk losing all of my social life and seeing me friends get all Irish there and seeing me friends appreciate the advice

alright dude all I can do is just tell you what has worked for me when I'm not drinking and um the first 2-3 days are brutal because all you've gone is 2-3 days and there's definitely that feeling

of well if I drink now I can start over again I'm just trying to make up 3 days but if you can get through the first 2-3 days once you get to the fourth day it's like alright I got a nice little streak going here like I'm up to 6 days right now and um one of the hardest things to do

is when you go out socially with people but I found that all you have to do all I have to do because I don't know how to do it if you're a full on alcoholic and you have the disease it might be harder for you and you really should probably

I would say talk to a recovered alcoholic but if you're like me all it takes is going out to the bar that first time and everybody's drinking and you just order a I try to stay away from soda and club soda because then

that shit's not good for either and I usually just order the cranberry juice and deal with the departed well what are you on your period jokes that everybody does I usually just go I don't even do cranberry and soda I just do cranberry juice straight up with a lime and I just sort of nurse that

and then um I just kind of drink waters you're actually you just got to do that that one night and then you've kind of set up a new social experience that you're comfortable with and you can still go out and I got to tell you

you get a distinct advantage when you're sober and everybody else is basically getting fucked up because they kind of first of all it's really entertaining to watch people just sort of roofy themselves and you get through watching their behavior

you get to see all the dumb things that you've done um so you get to um without judging your friends you just sort of get to be like wow I was doing that I was doing that especially with alcohol I always say judgments the first thing to go and um

I don't know I think you also have a better chance of meeting um a really nice woman if you're the sober one because you're going to come off as responsible and also if your friends are also hitting on her and they're all sloppy drunk you're going to look even better yourself so

I would you know if you're not feeling AA which I understand if you just try uh what it is I don't know I have to replace the activity like this week I decided

you know that I was going to stop drinking so then what I did was I dove in to play in drums and I'm doing that that Mike Johnston 10 days to faster hands work out so I just sort of replace

you know like at night I just sort of like okay I'll go downstairs and I'll do the practice pad thing and you know I started working out he just you know what it is dude

you gotta replace the time that you're drinking and doing dumb shit with shit that's also fun but you're sober doing it because for me it's like if I just don't drink and I'm just sitting around doing nothing that's going to make me want to drink

because it's just like well I usually go out and drink and have fun right now but if I'm actually doing something else um like went out and I saw a movie last night you just you fill up the time dude learn how to cook there's all kinds of you learn a fucking second language

there's all kinds of things that like you know basically you're in your 20s right now and uh you know you're trying to appeal to the opposite sex here so you know if you can add some shit to your game you're going to move up in the draft you're going to get a better woman here if you're fucking bilingual what woman doesn't like that you're sober

and responsible she's going to like that who knows you learn to play a couple of songs on a flamenco guitar take it around on a fucking rowboat you're in there bunch of grit nothing bad comes from becoming sober other than you are bored shitless but your head gets smaller

because you drop all that booze away I'm telling you you won't regret it you definitely won't regret it um but like I said if you got the disease in that thing you might you're going to need more professional help and I would actually seek out a fellow alcoholic um

and then I would use AA and all of that shit you you know I don't know I'm just a control freak so I would have to use it in a way that worked for me you know I'm not going to be standing down there smoking cigarettes eating donuts

you know talking to those people with their yellow fingers and shit like I couldn't do it that way I got buddies of mine they go every once in a while they go to a meeting you know like the way I go to church every once in a fucking once a year they'll do it whatever works for you but

nothing bad ever comes from cleaning up your act so uh I hope that helps you alright okay that's the podcast for this week everybody um I'm off the road again this week

I'm definitely going to be around um work I might have a surprise show out here in LA where I'm actually going to be you know working on my act possibly next week I think there's rumors that I might be doing a full hour at a local comedy club and um

I make sure I'm on my game when I do DC, New York and Upper Dobby um that's it that's a podcast for everybody I hope you enjoyed it uh here's the wrap up now that the show's over don't forget once again to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus uh Hulu Plus lets you binge on

thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet uh it's the future it's the way to watch TV in the future right now okay support this podcast podcast podcast podcast and get an extended

free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com slash bill that's huluplus.com slash bill that is the podcast for this week once again I'll be down Lago on La Cienega

just north of Beverly Boulevard and uh I'm going to be doing this great benefit I love doing benefits because I'm a piece of shit god knows I need to work on my karma lord knows that so I get to go down and help a wonderful cause that helps out uh

you know come on helps out pit bulls what's better than a dog isn't that right Cleo Cleo come over here come here Cleo she's sleeping Cleo Dio hey she's out like a light um I'm boring her with

my podcast alright that's it alright everybody go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week and uh if you haven't watched the world series yet uh it's a dandy two games a piece one more game in St. Louis oh you know what I didn't talk about I know that the world series has always been

two three two I always feel like I always just feel like the three in the middle what would you rather have if you were managing the team would you I just feel like the advantage goes to the team with the lesser record with those three in the middle even though overall

four out of seven games you're gonna be on the road I just feel like the way it's broken up you just sort of spend a weekend in Boston and then you host a homestand right you got three straight

games you can sleep in your own bed eat your own food fucking chill out and then if need be you go back and you deal with another weekend they break it up nicely um and I feel like the two three two it just gives the team with the lesser record

home field advantage through the first five games it makes games one and two a must win for the team with the better record but uh I don't know maybe that's just me my anxiety as a fan and maybe professional athletes could they don't give a shit but I've always found that

weird like I liked when the NBA used to do two two one one one um it seemed fairer but I think the athletes didn't like to travel they gotta lug all that TV equipment I don't know they just just wanted to think about it alright so that's the deal everybody

that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week goodbye thank you