Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-28-24

Episode Date: October 28, 2024

Bill rambles about returning from Paris, rivalries, and the neighbor's dogs. Policy Genius:  Head to www.policygenius.com/BILLBURR or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.

So I travel a lot. I mean a lot perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kind of my gig, right? So I'm out there. I'm living out of suitcases or suitcase sometimes if I bring the big boy and I want all the comforts of home That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado And I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff and before we got to the gigs We were like, let's just get an Airbnb and it is just a more comforting existence you have a kitchen you have a yard you know it's communal living it's just a less stressful place more enjoyable experience so when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour

in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb you know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money. And the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb.

Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Hey, what's going on? Oh, yeah! Oh, Billy's back. Bonjour, tout le monde. Je suis arrivé à Los Angeles.

Ah, 18h00. Hier soir. I'm back. Hey, just we see. I'm very happy because the rest of the shows last week in Paris went unbelievable. And the final night, the Thursday night, je dis pas,

was probably my best show in that this bit that's, I just sort of developed this bit that I was doing in French over the three nights. And the last night was, it worked perfectly. And it was what I was telling you guys, I just sort of developed that thing about listening to late night French radio and listening to these French people

speaking about relationships and heartache and their lives falling apart. And they speak French really slowly so I can understand it. And then like the host doesn't interrupt them because what they're saying is so, you know, you know, it's not like the morning zoo. So I just did the bit ended up turning into me just imitating an entire phone call.

Not really the entire phone call. It's just the first part of it. What the person says and then how the the hosts of the show reacts. That's all it was. It was only a couple of minutes long but it was all in French and when I on Thursday night when I just did the caller, I just did that part, it killed and got an applause break. And I was, and because it was legit funny and then also because they were like, wow, he's actually, he just didn't learn bonjour, au revoir, merci, you know, I think anyway and then and then the The host which is a shorter part Which is just that guy trying to find the words to try and make this person feel better

about You know his wife stepping out on my whatever the fuck I was doing but So it went great and my lovely wife was there and afterwards she had some friends and they came back and they were saying great show and they were like, yeah, you know, when you were, you were doing that radio bit in French, she goes, I was laughing, but I didn't understand one word you were saying, which made me feel really good. And it wasn't until like the next day,

I kind of got, you know, like they always talk about like runners high, I got like comedians high, like the next day, because I just sort of did it. And it was, you know, it's been something that I've been thinking about for at least like 10 years, wanting to do that, do stand up in Paris and be able to speak French or whatever. And then there was a time Nia was like,

well, you know, if you start doing shows over here, then people will know who you are. Can't we just have a place we go to? And I don't, you know, so I was like, that's a decent point. So I wasn't doing that. I was like, well, I gotta do it over here, fuck it. And she's like, yeah, you're right.

So that's what led to this gig. So anyway, the next day I was like, I gotta do it over here, fuck it. And she's like, yeah, you're right. So that's what led to this gig. So anyway, the next day I was thinking about it and for any comedian out there listening, one of the things that I was concerned about, I was going like, all right, so this is another language. So is the timing different? Is the comedic timing different because it's different? It's a different line.

Like I was literally in my head when I was thinking about it. Like, is this, yeah, I was joking with the buddy of mine. Is this like some sort of comedy metric system over here in Europe when I'm speaking a different language and was in my head about it. But when I was just doing my bit, I was sort of flowing. So when I did it, I didn't think and I just did it, and there is no difference. It's the exact same. What it really is, is having command of what

you're saying, so you understand what you're saying, and then you can just slip into whatever, you know, the pocket of whatever you do when you're in English. And you know what is funny was because, you know, I don't write jokes out. I just work on them on stage. So I was riffing in French, which is another thing like, wow, I can't believe I fucking did that. Even though it was only for like a minute, a minute and a half, it was really cool. But it worked for the bit because the guy who was calling up was really sad and was devastated and he was trying to wrap his head around what he

just saw and that was like the vibe of the joke but me as a person I was trying to figure out how to say it so I was doing a lot of rubbing of the face go you know you know yesterday you know, yesterday, whatever, I'm saying all this shit about coming home and finding my wife not home, right? And I was just like rubbing my face and it worked for the character, but I was also trying to figure out how to say it right. So anyway, I got to tell you, I've been doing this shit a long time. That is one of the coolest fucking things I've ever gotten to do and and there's been a lot of things that I've done that have that are like surreal

like you know you're you know whatever you're doing you're a comedian I'm doing stand-up someday I want to do stand-up on a late-night talk show and then one day you're standing behind that curtain and you're like what the fuck I want to do stand up on a late-night talk show and then one day you're standing behind that curtain and you're like What the fuck I? Used to watch this show is it what what am I doing here? and then they just say your name and you fucking walk out there and you do it and I Don't know. I'm sure you guys have experienced that and whatever the hell it is that you do

But like if it's something you're like sort of working for. I'll tell you though I never get a letdown after you know for me it's always relief people always like you know and I was getting so amped up like back in the day doing like Letterman or something like that. I always just had fucking relief. You know, the first relief was I didn't get bumped. He didn't go along with the guest. I didn't get bumped so I don't have to go through the fucking, you know, that was like ice in the kicker, the stand-up comedian version when he used to just go along with that first or second guest.

And oh, it's the fucking worst because you're sitting there on pins and needles because that happened to me one time. And then, you you know Eddie Brill great Eddie Brill would come back and be like Hey, I still think you're gonna get I don't know what I don't need to be like updates And I lucked out I Lucked out. I think the late great Greg Geraldo rest his soul I I lucked out. I think the late great Greg Giraldo, rest his soul. I

Think he had the record one time. He got bumped like eight fucking times in a row. It was like Ridiculous and to show you what kind of comedian he was was when he finally went out there on like the ninth time He still killed Like I don't know how the hell you stay amped up for that. Maybe you just get over it after a while. Like, go back nine times, eight, nine times. You got to be like, at that point, you know, like the fucking, you know, the PAs name, the guy at the door that let you in, the fucking, you and Biff have already had a couple of beers or whatever. So anyway, yeah, so that happened and then I had a couple of nights off in Paris and just hanging with my wife wife and Club Soda Kenny and Bianca, Christa Vial, who fucking killed.

Like she's, I remember when I first saw her, like I already said all of this stuff, she just, the whole week I was literally seeing her act developing into what the first time I saw her being like she could be this level comic if she keeps doing the work which she did so I was very proud of her you know and that always makes me look good I feel you know what I mean if you if you come out and you bring a really strong comic with you you know I never understood that that was a fucking move back in the day when I started out. Way back in the day, way back in the day. You know, when this country wasn't bankrupt, Bill, don't start that shit. That was like a thing where, like, there wasn't a bunch going, but

there was comics out there that would bring fucking opening acts out that were fucking horrific. I had no business being on a fucking stage at that level in front of a crowd as big as whoever the famous comic was that was drawing. But like they had like this thing like, hey, you know, you don't want someone going on. There's all of these fucking rules. You don't want someone going on in front of you that's too strong and that's like, you're on a fucking TV show. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. There's like maybe like five comedy nerds, but they got to be at like Star Wars level nerd or want to be that person that like, like knows the comic that nobody knows. But other than that, they forgot your fucking name.

It was more like pleasantly surprised, like wow, that was, that guy was good, you know? And then it was just like, and now, the famous person you came to see. Because I remember thinking that as a kid when I was fucking doing the comedy connection in Faneuil Hall a couple of times. I had sets in front of famous comers, cuz a lot of comers came to stage back then and they didn't necessarily bring openers. Some of them did, and the ones who did used to bring like fucking weak ass guys, right?

Or guys that were like, alright, but were really writing for the headliner, right? So, I opened for a couple of famous people and there was a few times where in my head, I was actually thinking like, and you gotta stand dude, like this is like fucking three years, three and a half years into my stand-up career. And I'd be getting off, bringing that guy up going like, man, is he gonna fire me? Because I killed so hard. Can this famous person follow the heat? Just in the intro, they already followed me. First of all, because I wasn't that that good just in my head. I thought it was Not like in a delusional thing, but like you don't really have perspective of like the where your where your act is

So anyway The person would just come on stage will be over and then also like if also, like, if somebody was famous, that actually meant something back then. Like, no, it doesn't mean shit. You know, everybody's got a podcast and a fucking something and everybody, you know. And hasn't everybody gone viral that wants to at this point? I think what's more interesting at this point

would be somebody that that isn't You know, can you imagine if there's a person out there that a corporation doesn't know anything about? Like they don't have an email. They still have a fucking house phone. They're not listening to this But if for some reason you're walking up to a fucking box store and you hear somebody in a car Listening to my podcast, I got respect for you. Never been online, not into that shit. Still has a square TV. I have to be honest with you, I really feel like that is the rebellion that would work at this point. It's just complete non-participation.

Because if you try to go, if you try to match them gun for gun, I mean the level of shit that they have. You know, like someone's trying to tell me London, England, like the whole fucking, the whole city at this point has security cameras everywhere. And what kills me is it's not gonna fucking stop there. I feel like in The whole city at this point has security cameras everywhere And what kills me is it's not gonna fucking stop there I feel like in the future there's gonna be cameras everywhere and then they're gonna have one in basically your living room and in your kitchen And it's just like out of respect, you know, you can have your privacy you know in the bathrooms and You're allowed we will shut the camera if you

want to have relations with the person you're with, you know, text this number to this number and we will shut the camera off. And you have 20 minutes to do your thing. Anything after 20 minutes, there's a $3.50 surcharge per minute. I feel like that's... and then that still won't be enough fucking surveillance for them. I think they're just a bunch of weirdos. I really think that a lot of people that are in security are just fucking weirdos. Like don't ever get cameras in your fucking house by the way. If you hire like a security you just have them on the outside of the house. Alright once the person's in your house they're in your fucking house like I don't know I don't know what you're doing at that

point. They're taking your shit. You have your non-lethal weapon out or whatever the fuck you have. Your zip gun, your Glock, whatever. And then, you know, who knows? Maybe you didn't need to shoot him, but you just felt like it because you always wanted to so you could have something to talk about down at the gun range. You don't want that on film. I mean, if we've learned anything from P. Diddy, you don't want... Sorry. Anyway, I am in such a fucking great movie. It's 5.36 in the morning out here and I'm sitting in the driveway in my car so I don't wake everybody up.

Me and my lovely wife, Nene, we flew back yesterday and we didn't sleep on the plane like deliberately so we would come out here, land at around 6 and then come home, see the kiddos which was incredible. They gave us a hero's welcome when we came back. I was awesome. That's the only thing that sucked about being over there is the level that you missed your kids, but next time next time

How do I say that in French? I? Don't even know I forget Corn for Now that means absolutely no that means once again The premier foie that means the first No, that means once again. The premier fois. That means the first time. I'll figure it out. Yeah, we wanted to make sure we came here and we were like, you know, we fell asleep

last night, like right after the kids did, you know, 8.30, 9 o'clock. But now I'm like fucking wide awake. So anyway, I don't want to wake anybody up. So here I sit in my car. But now I'm like fucking wide awake. So anyway, I don't wake anybody up. So, uh... Here I sit in my car. So, when I was overseas, the first two games of the World Series, or the World Serious, happened. As Bugs Bunny used to say, and, um...

I saw, I mean, there was no way to not hear about that fucking... first game. I mean, there was no way to not hear about that fucking first game. I mean that was a classic. I mean, it's kind of amazing like the Dodgers that they've been involved in two of those games. These sort of improbable things. I saw he hit a grand slam to win the game and I saw the score was six to three. I was like, I thought you got four runs for a grand slam. I didn't realize that the Yankees had scored a run in the top of the 10th. That game right there is why you love being a sports fan and why you absolutely hate it,

and you question why you do it, depending on what side of the one loss column that you're on. depending on what side of the the one loss column that you're on. So when they lost, you know, I was texting Verzi because I remember Verzi was saying that that walk-off homer against the Cleveland Guardians was a devastating law. I was like, dude, you're still up two to one. He goes, it's a devastating loss. I go, you're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. So I texted him after game one. I was like, see, now that fucking walk off home run to the Guardians isn't a bad thing. It's a gift because the Yankees, your team had been there and they survived it. So as devastating as the game one loss was They they've been in this situation before they can come back see cuz at this point I'm just rooting for a seven game series that's all I'm rooting for because

You know, I hate New York sports teams and I hate LA teams equally and By equally I just mean the Lakers. I don't give a fuck about any of these other teams I don't even watch them. I don't give a shit about the Rams. I don't give a shit about the Chargers I don't give a fuck about the Clippers and that stupid new fucking arena that they built where there's no cash which isn't even legal There's no cash everything's on your phone and fucking face recognition There's no cash, everything's on your phone in fucking face recognition. It's like, isn't it enough? I'm going to a Clippers game? You gotta take my fucking retinas, you cunts? So, I don't give a fuck about them. I like the Kings. Who's left? I don't know who's left.

In the Dodgers, I don't mind because I used to root for them when the Red Sox couldn't beat the Yankees, 77, 78, and 81. And it's just the Lakers. But I hate the Lakers so... I don't even hate the Lakers, I just hate their fans. You know? When I was living in New York, my hatred of fucking Yankee fans went down considerably. Hatred of the Yankees went down considerably because I met Yankee fans and they were fucking baseball fans and they could talk the Game and my problem. That's my fucking issue with Laker fans They just they got nothing they can't talk the fucking game MVP They do that and fucking stick three fingers up every time there's a fucking three-pointer every once in a while I'll meet an old-school guy

You know that was at the forum back in the day. And then I'm like, you know, why can't all Laker fans just be like this, informed? Because after you're like, eh, fuck the Lakers, oh, fuck the Celtics, then you want to talk the games. And my favorite thing, and this is what, you know, when you leave your city and you go into, you know, enemy territory, there is a cool thing that happens is like when you're talking to your rival sports fans, they tell you the players on their team that they fucking hated and used to drive them nuts. And it isn't the obvious people necessarily. There's some people they just didn't like their face or there's some hit you didn't remember because it didn't kill you.

But it killed this person, you know, on the other team. That's like one of my favorite. Like I like talking to old school Laker fans about how much I hated the Showtime Lakers, but secretly would watch them because they were so entertaining to watch and how much I love James Worthy, or I'll talk to a Sixers fan and how much I loved Andrew Toney. Oh my God, Andrew fucking Toney. That is a fucking name I'm gonna say for the rest of my life. There's no way that that guy shouldn't be getting more attention. You know, when people make like these clips of athletes back in the day, you know, there's a zillion on Larry Bird and magic and all of that and Jordan and all of that shit. I'm telling you that you gotta you gotta do those other guys do Andrew fucking Tony before the three point line with his low cut converse all stars he was wearing the leather Dr. J's when that guy fucking heated up. He was unconscious. It was like watching the goddamn globetrotters in the NBA. It's like that's not going in swish Here's another one switch and there was like no three-point line for like the majority of his career number 22 I

believe and That's also to another one of those rivalries that kind of gets swept under the rug Like everybody, you know, they do the series. It's always like the fucking Celtics in the Lakers You know, you know what the independent movie of the Boston Celtics is That you know like the Celtics Lakers that's like the Marvel that's like a Marvel movie but the fucking Celtics versus 76ers in the early 80s when we came back down from 3-1 and

Almost did it two years in a row, but the second year Dr. J had Moses Malone Julius Jams Jinx cover of Sports Illustrated and They came back and beat us and then also I've never seen them do something, the 83-76ers almost went undefeated through the fucking playoffs. So I must have that year wrong. Because I remember they asked Moses Malone, what's your prediction for the playoffs? And he said, fo fo fo, which means you're going to sweep fucking, maybe it was four

rounds. I forget how many fucking rounds there were, but they were just, um, I've always said I would put the 83 sixes up against the 96 Chicago Bulls in a second. I'll take Moses Malone underneath against Luke Longley and Dr. J. Would it would have done at least three quarters of fucking what Michael was gonna do. And then you had Andrew Toney to match whatever Pippen's doing.

I don't know. I mean, that would be a great fucking series. I'm just, all I'm saying is it's not a foregone conclusion who would have won that thing. Anyway, I Got a ton of energy man. I've got a good night's sleep and I'm still flying from that Thursday night show in Patti What else? Oh, so game two the Yankees lose. So now the Lakers are up two games to none

Lakers the fuck the Dodgers are up two games to none now Oh The fuck? The Dodgers are up two games to none. Now. Oh, by the way, I did love when when Freddie hit the walk off home run and then they immediately played, I Love L.A. I love L.A. Right. Which is a song by Randy Newman, and I he's low-key making fun of the city Which I just think is the funniest shit ever and people all they hear is I love LA The same way New York is here if I can wake up in a city and it's like dude that song's not about you It's about someone who doesn't live in New York moving there Are you listening to what you're singing?

But I just love that they immediately played it before we even got to fucking first base. It's the funniest shit ever because then I knew it was annoying Yankee fans, right? I'm just a cunt on the sideline. My fucking Red Sox were like 81 and 81 this year. Oh, we'll win some, lose some. Something like that. But anyway, what I do love though is whenever New York plays LA, is that East Coast mentality.

Boston does it too, where they think LA is soft. It's fucking hilarious because they base it on Hollywood. They base it if they see like the Emmys or the Grammys, and they think that that's what Los Angeles is. It isn't. So if you're from the East Coast, if you want to talk shit and they think that that's what Los Angeles is, it isn't. So if you're from the East Coast, if you wanna talk shit and say LA is soft,

do yourself a favor, do that just in Hollywood. I'm not defending LA, this is just a travel tip. I do not say that Anywhere else I wouldn't say that at the Staples Center I certainly would not say that at them in the bleachers in Dodger Stadium. I would not fucking do that I would not even wear a different team's fucking Jersey Yeah, you know I'm gonna do that shit alright, or maybe you do maybe it was someone who likes to get into a fight and I'm gonna do that shit. All right, or maybe you do maybe it was someone who likes to get into a fight and

Likes to maybe maybe you you watched enough Steven Seagal movies that you feel like you could win a five-on-one fight Maybe that's maybe maybe that's who you are. I don't know. I don't know But I could tell you like what the the the story on LA like these did you see that video that went viral? Where there was that LA guy and he's like, you know I tried to I went like into like a deli and I asked for like A scooped out bagel with fucking you know, gluten-free cream cheese and the guy was like, oh get the fuck out of here He started saying all the shit that the guy said to him and then the funniest shit is at the end he goes Well, I guess on to the next one and what I love was New Yorkers They just love that cuz that was totally stroking

them about how fucking tough their fucking city is, right? And they missed the life lesson in there. There's a very subtle life lesson in that video where he goes, well, you know, I guess it's on, like he didn't even let it affect him. It's just like, well, you know, good luck being angry your whole life. If that's, if that's how you want, good luck being angry your whole life. If that's how you want it. If somebody literally comes into your fucking place. That's like Philly. You know, you come to Philly, you order, you gotta know how to order a fucking cheese steak. No, I don't. I don't.

Hello, I would like a Philadelphia cheese steak. Just make the fucking thing. Or if you can't handle that I said Philadelphia or Philly like and I didn't say give me one wick one more dot the fact that if you're not going to make this sandwich I don't give a shit. I know that has nothing to do with me. Okay? Your dad didn't hug you, your uncle touched you. I don't know what the fuck it is but I will another fucking stupid thing out there. This is tip number two, all right? Number one, it's a bad look.

You go on the road and you bring a fucking cupcake. All right, you gotta bring somebody that's gonna push you, somebody that's writing, someone that wants to be you, because they're gonna push you and it's gonna make you better, all right? And then, tip number two, that fucking East Coast thing,

you gotta keep your edge. You don't have to keep your edge. You need to fucking lighten up, all right? You're exhausting to the people around you, okay? You see that sad look on your wife's face? That's from you. So maybe every once in a while, scoop out a bagel So maybe every once in a while scoop out a bagel for some blonde highlighted fucking surfing cunt from LA and just move on with your day.

Or don't, maybe you don't, maybe you know, maybe you want to fucking, yeah, get some tickets in fucking in the bleachers at Dodger Stadium. All right, we'll see. We'll see how that goes. Um, well, maybe we won't. This is the new me. I'm just whatever. Maybe we won't. Maybe maybe you'll fucking go out there and you're the last second you'll come to your senses and be like, you know what I like. I like being concussed free.

I think my body has enough holes in it. So anyway, I'm gonna be watching game three and there's a couple things that I hope here. I hope that the Yankees win because I wanna see seven games. And I also hope that Aaron Judge does something because I hate the way Yankee fans get on their players you know what I mean they go they go fucking extra they go like they do they can't handle the big stage yeah what fucking big stage are you want the

fuck are you doing other than booing people infinitely more talented than you. Alright Bill, let it go. That was fun man. I could go on and on with cunty little fucking asides about Los Angeles and New York. Even though I've lived in both cities. This is the thing, I've lived in both cities and I do love both cities. Except when sports are on. When sports are on, I just become like, like, old Billy fumbling at the mouth.

But I am smart enough to not watch these games in front of my kids. I told you guys, I didn't even, I didn't watch one second of the NBA Finals and my team won it. I just knew, I was just like, my kids are here, they're not gonna understand what's gonna be happening. They're gonna think this is real, other than one of the most ridiculous behaviors you've ever seen by an adult. It's so stupid. Me and Verzi have this conversation all the time like, why do we care? Why do we care? Like he was telling me on one of those first two games, you know, that after the game he was sick. And this thing you gotta know about Verzi, when he says that he's not lying, he's not speaking and like, you know, he's not

exaggerating. Like that's how much he fucking cares. But we've had that conversation a number of times. Why do I give a fuck so much? I'm one race behind MotoGP. And oh, here's one. On my flight back from Paris, I watched that movie Amsterdam. And I loved it. I think that's all I got and other than that I was just sort of practicing my French. I'm like fucking addicted to it. I got that little

I got that little fucking heroin high Thursday night of the bit working. So anyway let's let's plow ahead. Oh by by the way, this weekend, coming up November 3rd, I'm gonna be at Comics Come Home with Dennis Leary, Cam Neely, Lenny Clark, Bobby Kelly, who the hell else is on it? I don't remember. It's always a great lineup and always a great cause. It promotes the Cam Neely house, which gives people a place to stay that feels like home

while they're battling cancer. It's just really one of the nicest charities anybody's ever come up with. And I love doing it. So November 3rd at the TD Bank North Garden. All right. Okay. With that, let's do the let's do, let's do the reads for the week. Policy genius, you know, the heart of the holidays.

You know, you know what I need to do? This is, this is, I need to fucking make my cell phone screen a little brighter. Well, Bill, why don't you try that with your personality? Oh, come on. I'm all right, aren't I? Here we go. All right, there we go.

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who left five-star reviews on Google and trust pilot. It's the only place I ever hear that trust pilot. I've actually used it as a reference when doing stand up trust pilot. Where the hell am I secure your families tomorrow so you have peace of mind today. That's pretty pathetic, pretty poetic. Secure your family's your family's tomorrow. So you have peace of mind today. It's a little wordy. Secure your family's tomorrow with peace of mind today. That's how they should have done it.

And have some old fucking semi retired actor delivered to you who still has a full head of hair. You know, and that glint in his eyes. Head to policygenius.com slash Burr or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com slash Bill Burr. Wait, is that all I have? Am I pissing off?

I probably am. Jesus Christ. Well, I, you know, I have? Am I pissing off ever I probably have Jesus Christ Well, I you know, I'm not fucking look Oh should I be a professional bill, could you just look I feel like there was more than that Library Oh one read one read or another I'm gonna find you All right, that's it. Okay, let's get into it let's get, all right, well let's get into the, uh, let's get into the goddamn, uh, questions you guys have. By the way, I saw Amsterdam. I watched it. It was all in French. And I understood a lot of it, so now I have to go back and watch it in English because I want to,

there's so many amazing actors in it. I want to see,'s so many amazing actors in it, I want to see their performances and that's some, you know, no disrespect to the French. You know, maybe next time I go over there, I might stay out in the countryside, like outside, because in Paris enough people speak English. Oh, dude, I got to tell you this fucking hilarious story. I was in this. I was in this.

This is cafe, right? My wife and we're fucking ordering food and I'm speaking French and I'm trying you know, whatever. And the guy's being cool and the waiter is like really funny. He's like silly. I'm like, this guy's a cool guy. I got a couple extra tickets at night. So I invite the guy to the show I Go hey, I go I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm here from America. I'm doing three shows at the Apollo which that sounds impressive in my world and This is like the most Parisian fucking moment, right? And he's like nodding and everything.

I said, hey, if you and a friend wanna come down, come down to see the show, I can hook you up with tickets. I'm there tonight, tomorrow and Thursday. And he just, I go, you wanna come down? He's like, ah, no. I'm like, no, he's like, no, he's like, you know, whatever. I forget how he said it. He was saying in French that I work from nine to nine.

You know, you know, whatever the fuck he was saying. And I'm going, all right, well, Ineve, ba ba ba whatever the fuck he was saying and I'm going all right well mechredi soir, jeudi soir thinking you know this guy doesn't work every day and he was just like yeah no it was fucking it was fucking awesome because It was fucking awesome because I've met a bunch of people in my life that say they don't give a fuck. You know? And what I've found is people who walk around saying they don't give a fuck, sometimes they're just ego maniacs. And other times it's to hide the fact that they really do give a fuck. But this guy did not give a, it was legit, like pure cocaine, this was pure not giving a fuck. He did not give a fuck and at no point did he have to say,

because you know me, I gives no fucks. There was none of that. There was none of that. He didn't have to say he didn't give a fuck. He was, I don't give a fuck. It was it was it was perfect. You were just like that's that ego. It's like listening to like ten people fucking you go to ten concerts and people are singing along with tapes or whatever the recordings or auto-tune or whatever the fuck it is

they're doing and then you actually go out and see somebody sing live into a mic you're like there it is. That's the real deal right there so shout out to him. Alright exercise options. By the way my Patriots beat the Jets. I almost went 0-4. I've been just betting against the Patriots every fucking week. It's the only way I can watch them. So it's like either I win a little money or they win the fucking game and they won the goddamn game. Jesus Christ, the wheels, the wheels, were the wheels ever on? I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't understand. I don't understand firing your fucking head coach in the middle of the goddamn season and you don't have a replacement. An obvious this guy is head and shoulders above this other

guy so he can get out of Aaron Rodgers and all the money that we've spent get us on the right track. They are a fucking headless yeah that's just a headless body running around bumping into walls at this point. All right exercise options hey Bill like, I'm a middle-aged dude with two kids and some on and off issues as the years roll on. I had an Achilles repair, Jesus, a few years ago and some joint pain being the vintage classic that I am. Well, just be happy that your Achilles was only a couple years ago. Dude, that used to just take guys out.

You were done. You never ran again. When I was a kid, these guys would play basketball. And back then, like, if you played full court hoop till about 35, 36, 37, it's just like a dad, and there was no information about stretching or anything like that. You blew out your Achilles. That was it. you never ran again. Earlier this year I discovered Pilates and it's been great. Oh you know I tried that a long time ago.

Presuming you haven't gone this route it's a good full-body workout focused on stretching, joint health and core work. There are a variety of routines for specific areas of the body and the crowd is generally older so the instructors are used to tailoring the exercises. If you haven't tried it, discuss with your physician to see if it might be a good fit. I like the disclaimer. Look at you. Have you been sued before? If you haven't tried it, it wasn't you should discuss it with your physician. I'm not gonna lie that some of the movements are yoga like and a tad feminine. Jesus Christ, what are you twerking? It's weighted twerking. It's manly. But at this point, what do we care?

Exactly. Huge longtime fan of the podcast who appreciates the laughs every week on this and anything better and anything better. Best of luck in Paris and all the best to Nia and the kids. Yeah, I would definitely consider doing that. Oh, I don't know. I'm a child of the fucking 80s, you know? So I just, I still have the dumbbells in the flat bench, but I will say I definitely stretch. I do all my yoga stretches. I don't necessarily sit down and do like a yoga class. I just run through the stretches before I work out and that kind of works for me. I just don't And that kind of works for me. Um, I just don't... Ahem.

Have, I'm, I don't know, I'm a little like scatterbrained. I somehow got super fucking busy. Um, as you'll see in the next few weeks, uh, when I'm talking on this thing. I probably need to slow down. Quiet the mind, as they

say. Um, anyway, Neighbors Dog, Dear Bill, just looking for some advice. Anyways, I have a question regarding neighborhood dogs. I live in Iowa, the place you'll soon move to when LA gets too hot for you for your freckled ass. Sorry, Jesus Christ. I love that joke. The place you move to when LA gets too hot for your freckled ass. Like this whole fucking idea that people have that they're living on a different earth

and that global warming, that all of these sociopath corporations as nobody takes responsibility and everybody puts one toe on the gas pedal towards complete fucking oblivion. It's gonna affect all of you guys. And I can tell you something, what I like about living out here, as hot as it fucking

gets, and you know, and all they show is the fires on fucking... There's not a lot of shit to burn down. It's a fucking desert. I'll tell you right now, when this weather hits the East Coast with all those fucking pine trees, you know, good luck jumping in that boiling fucking lake of yours. I'm telling you, I think this is like Vegas. Everybody forever has been predicting the giant earthquake out here and we're going to fall in the fucking ocean. And that's where all the money's laying. See, Vegas doesn't lose. So I like my chances out here.

And also I think a bunch of people are gonna pussy out and leave, which is gonna fucking open up the freeways, which is worth, you know, burning to death someday. Uh. Anyways, he goes, I walk, I go walking with my dog in the evening around the neighborhood. I've been having an issue with two dogs, I go walking with my dog in the evening around the neighborhood.

I've been having an issue with two dogs, a German Shepherd and some large mixed breed running at me and my dog. Just for reference, I have a calm, obedient golden retriever, well at least it's a bigger dog, on leash, walking right beside me on the opposite side of the street on three occasions Now both dogs came bolting across the street barking aggressively at my dog and myself Every time the owner has been outside in La La Land fucking dimwit doesn't seem to think it's a big deal My dog has been attacked and bitten before and required stitches. So she gets afraid when this occurs. Yeah, that's not a good vibe before and required stitches so she gets afraid when this occurs. Yeah, that's not a good vibe.

Um, well, you can, I don't know, claim the space, check with your physician and see if it's okay for you to, to, to claim the space, take a step towards him or whatever, maybe get him to stop. I don't fucking know. Um, anyways, he says, I let it go the first two times and on the third time, I mentioned that it keeps happening and I'm not happy. The dogs have even run at us two houses away on different streets. Yeah, they get more confidence it seems. It happened again just a few nights ago and one tried biting my dog. Yes, so

that's gonna, that's, the situation is escalating. I tried booting them away with my foot and yelled at the owner who got the dogs in his yards I then blew up at this piece of shit. You know what good for you Good for you that that's called for if he's fucking standing out there and not doing anything lots of cursing and said if it happened again I'm calling the cops. I was so pissed and just wanted to bitch slap this dude I know it's not the dogs fault and that that it's the owner's who's a piece of shit. I walked this route because this asshole lives on the opposite side of the horseshoe and it's the easiest route back to my house. Anyway, where do I go from here? I doubt

calling and reporting will do anything. Do I just walk a different route and forget about it? I have kids and if I was walking with them who knows if they would nip at them. I have to imagine this is happening to other people too. I love dogs but these dogs haven't been around other dogs and seem aggressive towards us. What would Bill Burr do? You know what I would do at my age? I would walk the other way. I would walk the other way because you seem like you're the kind of guy that would fucking slap somebody. The fact that you're fucking kicking a German shepherd,

trying to kick him with your foot, you've had fights before, you have balls, you're not afraid of getting hurt, and you have a fucking temper. And this guy's a piece of shit. So, what I have found in life is that the law protects pieces of shit all the way from you know

Billionaire corporate cunts who don't even fucking pay taxes and Fuck over the working man, but somehow then become their savior Sorry, I had to do one political joke Sorry. I had to do one political joke. Not saying that the other side, everybody, oh, there's a clear fucking good person. What, the one that's going to be a puppet for these corporations and keep fucking, you know, warmongering? We're so fucked! We're so fucked. She's going to keep the wars going and Trump's not going to be able to stop them. These are not choices. These are just ideologies wrapped in the color of ties. Anyway, you got to cut the head off the fucking snake. That's what you got to do, which I don't know how to do it because

all of these politicians are in fucking bed with them. Anyway, back to the dogs. Who let the dogs out? Sorry. It's been my experience, like, you know, I've had people steal money from me, like you can't even, like in business deals, like you cannot fucking believe. Like you cannot fucking believe. And I'm like, I'm gonna fucking tell everybody in town that this person's a fucking thief. And you want my lawyer says? He goes, be careful with that. And I said, why? He goes, because it's much easier to prove defamation of character and slander than it is to prove that somebody stole from you.

How fucked up is that? It's right there on the paper, but they can make up a false fucking cost report and explain away everything that they just fucking did. But if you walk around and just try to warn somebody, hey, watch out for that guy. It's like, yeah, listen, laws are made by thieves to protect thieves,

certain thieves, rich, rich thieves, and pieces of shit every now and then. I don't know. There goes that fucking theory because they would protect this guy because what's going to happen is you're going to lose your fucking temper is what's going to happen. And you know what's going to happen? You know what's gonna happen? You know what's gonna happen in this situation if you keep going that way? What's gonna happen is what should fucking happen. Is what should happen.

Is that guy should get the fucking shit slapped out of him. Okay? And you should fucking blow out the Achilles on that fucking German Shepherd so he has second thoughts next time you come up there. That's what should happen. That's what in a perfect world that is what happens and then the piece of shit goes, oh I deserved that bodily harm. Oh my dog has a busted fucking leg now because I was an

irresponsible person. I need to not only get my shit together, I should go over and apologize to the guy Who had to deal with my fucking ignorance, but that's not how the world works. So what I would do Because I can tell you this that the second you leave that guy's not thinking about you and this is causing you all kinds of fucking stress What you this is the worst? one of the hardest things in life of being a man is having to be the bigger man. You gotta be the bigger man. And what you have to do is take comfort in the fact that you're not a piece of shit,

and that that guy is a piece of shit. Now I'm not gonna bring you into fairy tale land where I'm gonna say like, believe me, that guy's a piece of shit, and someday he's gonna get his. That's not what happens. They don't get theirs. That sometimes they do, but most of the times they don't. But that dude is a fucking Rubik's Cube, okay? Unless you're a fucking, you know, one of these kids online that can solve it in eight seconds. Like, it's just, it's not, that's not a solvable fucking thing. And if you just go the other fucking

route, you're not going to end up in court because I feel like the way you wrote that you're going to end up in court. But know this you're 100% right on everything that you want to do, but just don't do it. Just go the other way. Just go the other way. Yeah, just go the other way. Maybe if you want to do anything, maybe file an official complaint. So if something happens to somebody else out there, there will be record that this guy had been warned about his dogs. I wouldn't go any further than that. All right. Oh, God. further than that. All right. Oh, God. Can Quentin Tarantino do like, you know, even just like how he does like those revenge movies? Can he write a fucking movie just about somebody doing that? Except they fucking get away with it. I guess he did

with Once Upon a Time in Hollywood when he killed the whole fucking Manson family. Because they have a bunch of lazy fucking hippies who didn't want to work. I just loved that that was the underlying message of that. At least that's what I got out of it. Great friends, except one. Hey Billy, Billy Baldsack, longtime listener. Listener, he writes here, and a huge fan.

No other comedian has me on the verge of pissing myself with his or her jokes. Thank you. Keep up the great work. I have a little dilemma here. My wife and I, my lady and I just moved here to the States and left a really tight group of friends who all stayed in Chile. He writes South America. I specifically I

Specify because most people don't even know that country even exists. No, we know that Well, I can't say all of us but we know we know that There's other ones we'd you start to get confused But not not Chile, let me see. How many can I name South America? Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia, Ecuador, Chile, Argentina, Belize, Paraguay, Galapagos Islands, and then the worst named of all time Turks and Caicos. Is that part of you guys? I don't know. There you go. I and Caicos. Is that part of you guys? I don't know, there you go. I know that from watching soccer, Formula One Moto GP, and watching the Mossad hunting down Nazis.

That's how I learned my, the little knowledge I have. Oh, and ACDC. ACDC going down there. Okay, wait. Anyway, uh, yeah, that's gotta be brutal. Not only are you leaving your country, your language, your tradition, your culture, you're leaving your friends and family. Anyways, this hurt like a bitch, and in our 40s it can be hard to make new friends.

To make a long story short, we have made a nice group of Latino friends from different countries, mainly Colombians, Dominican Republic, Uruguay, I forgot that one, and a Peruvian. They're all awesome people except for the fucking Peruvian. Oh boy. Peruvians apparently hate Chileans because Chile has done better economically and culturally, not to mention that historically Peru allied with Bolivia and attacked Chile in the 1800s. But Chile handed both countries their asses back. That's the reason why You sounded like an American like why does the Middle East hate? Oh, the Middle East doesn't like us because they're jealous of our blue jeans and our fucking freedom It's like I think it might be a little bit a little bit more than that. I Think something else happened. Alright, so you guys had a fight Peru Allah allied with Bolivia and attacked Chile in the 1800s.

There's a movie I'd like to see. Wait a minute, can you recommend, is there a movie? That I can, I'm sure you guys made a movie about it. But Chile handed both countries their asses back to them and even took Peru's capital and then gave it back. Oh my God. That was that's that's like the war version of indecent proposal. Robert Redford bangs to me more and he goes, all right, here you go.

Take your fucking money. This Peruvian dick loves to fuck with me in front of everyone and always talk shit about Chile and Chile. You can't have that. I'm using a good sport and just laugh and fuck around back, but it's gotten to the point where he literally only fucks with me. All right. I already have my advice. On top of that, he constantly praises and sweet talks my wife who's Argentinian in front of me and everyone else praises and sweet talks my wife who's Argentinian in front of me and everyone else while simultaneously talking shit to me and everyone else but constantly says shit like here's a special drink for

a special lady oh he says his wife's name or yay happy birthday to the beautiful blah blah blah and many other things that make that ugly oompa loompa looking piece of shit seem like he has the hots for. All right, we got the fact that he's ugly. You know, and your wife's from Argentina, so she's got to be gorgeous. Am I overreacting? Should I call him out on it in front of everyone or privately? Should I just do what my wife says and just ignore him even though he never stops? I'm usually pretty chill and not jealous.

Homeboy is half my size and ugly as anal hairs, but it's really getting on my nerve. Love everything you do, lots of love to you, your beautiful family, and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I would take this guy aside. I would take him aside. Take the little shit out for an ice cream. Let him sit on the big boy stool. I would just say to him like, uh, hey man, I just want to like, just check on you. You know, you say a lot of crazy stuff to me. And I'm just making sure you're still joking. Are you still joking? And they'll be like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just joking. All right, I'm just checking because sometimes it

sounds like you're not. Oh no, no, bro, bro, we're cool. And they'll fucking, you know, shake your hand in some fancy fucking way that my people, you know, me specifically don't understand. And then, then you got to bring up your wife. Okay. So does that also go for the things that you say to my wife? You know, you're just sort of overly complimenting her all the time, you know Just to let you know, even if your wife was pretty I wouldn't be talking to her like that. No, you can't say that Yeah that this guy I don't like this guy. I know it's just your description, but like, there's always gotta be one. There's always gotta be one who doesn't know where the line is.

I love your wife, by the way. Just ignore him. Like, if there was some chick acting like a cunt from her to her, and it was driving her nuts, and your advice was just ignore her. Oh my god. She would be like, can you be there for me? I mean, what the fuck? Or, or, or give you some options here. When he starts talking shit about your country, just say whatever his name is. Just be like, listen, I'm sorry you're short. Okay? I don't, I don't know what was in the water. I don't know what happened.

Okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm taller and better looking than you. And I have a beautiful wife, I get it. I get it, you're an ugly little try. That gets ugly, it gets ugly, literally. Maybe you just, you like act like you're being nice to him. I love doing shit like this just sitting around thinking how to fucking get somebody back. It's fun. Maybe, maybe come back at him. Yeah, that was a good one there little fella. Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is fun. Oh who made a joke? Who's a big boy? Did you put on your big boy pants today there buddy? I know there's got to be a way to just say look at him. Isn't he growing up so fast? I would just talk to him like he's a little kid. Now I think, try the second option first.

Just keep talking about his height. You know, just do that. Talk about, nah, you know, it's gonna fucking escalate. I can tell you this, your wife is wrong. Your wife is wrong. You can't ignore somebody like that. You can't ignore somebody complimenting your fucking wife like that. It doesn't feel right. If it doesn't fucking feel right, you got to fucking say something because eventually what's going

to happen is you're going to keep your fucking mouth shut and then you're going to snap on your wife. And then she's going to forget that she told you she gave you bad advice. And then then then now you got two fucking problems your wife's mad at you oh my god I hate this little fucking cunt you know what it is he's fucking doing it in the perfect environment your fucking wife's there everybody else is there so he's getting away with it he's getting away with it yeah you got it you know what fuck my second idea fuck that pet you got to take this guy aside and stay calm.

And then just tell him, just say, listen, well, I don't want to, I don't want to listen to that stuff anymore because it's making me upset. And I also feel like you're just, you know what? Fuck that. Just tell him. And I feel like the way you overly compliment my wife is disrespectful to me and disrespectful to her. So I'm asking you nicely to stop doing that. And then that's it. That's it. That's what I would do.

Tell him, don't ask him. Fuck that shit. Bad advice. That was the old me three minutes ago. The new me. Just take the guy aside. Just say, listen, you know, I know we all break balls and all of that stuff, but you old me three minutes ago the new me just take the guy aside just say listen you know I know we all break balls and all of that stuff but you know the way that

you do it to me and you just do it to me specifically it makes me feel like you have some sort of issue no no no no no I don't want I've heard you talk enough okay I don't want to listen to that stuff anymore and stop complimenting my wife and telling me that she's beautiful. I don't want to hear that anymore. All right? You fucking little shit. You keep doing that shit. I'm gonna put my foot on top of your head and make you small as that fire hydrant across the street. Oh, I fucking hate that little cunt.

Oh, man. If I had a dime for every time some midget has been complimenting my wife. No, I'm kidding. Not sure if that was a thing. Some little person. All right, dump girlfriend or not. Dear Billy freckle pubes. I'm a 16 year old from the greats. Dump her.

You got your whole life ahead of you. Jesus Christ, that was the easiest one ever. Listen, everybody. That's the podcast. No kidding. All right, 16 year old from the great state of Massachusetts and I have a bit of a problem. Dude, you are 16 years old living in Massachusetts, you have no fucking problems. You just haven't lived enough life. This is easy.

This is a phone call. This is a note stuffed in a locker. This is a fucking quick conversation in a 20 year old car that your dad gave you. Me and my girl have been together now going on seven months and we've had our ups and downs but all is well. Over the summer we had a pregnancy scare and her mom, oh fuck you're not talking about breaking up with her oh no sorry and her mom banned her oh Billy jump the gun here and her mom banned her from coming over to my house this means I'm stuck going over to her house let me give you a little visual she has two sisters two dogs and about nine cats let me give you a fucking visual. You almost knocked up her fucking daughter, you asshole.

The fuck is wrong with you? Use protection. She has two sisters, two dogs, and nights, so fucking break up with this chick. Dude, her mom is not the issue. Her mom is not the issue. Her mom is not the issue. Her mom and stepdad are in the middle of a divorce and a fight nonstop which brings back bad memories from my childhood. Ah, Jesus, now I'm feel bad for you again.

Now Billy jump in the gun twice. One more time. They take a point away. Bill, I stopped spitting out the mouthpiece, Bill. Bill, I don't know what to do here. Her mom won't let up and just let her come over to my house and i'm just not happy going over hers and i'm running out of places

to go to love the podcast you help me through some dark times are jesus uh... alright do well let me tell you some dark times you don't want being a fucking sixteen-year-be. All right? You're 16 years old. I don't know, all you just said was you had a girlfriend. You never said that you love her to death. You never said that this is something special, that I know we're young, and that I didn't hear any of that. So I don't know man. This is a bad time of year to do it, but there's really no good time of year to break up with somebody. I would just get out of it. I would get out of it. The two biggest things you need to do, first the biggest thing you need to do is start wearing a fucking condom.

Alright? The second thing you need to do is I would just get I would I would get out of this Unless you just don't feel comfortable saying that you love this person. I mean if you love him or whatever I Don't I don't know what this this seems like You've dealt with a lot here possibly becoming a dad Your parents divorced this person's divorce divorced, two sisters, two dogs, and about nine cats. I mean I can smell that through my fucking phone. Her mom and her stepdad, so she's got some sort of trauma going on. She keeps picking these assholes. I don't know what to do here. Mom won't let up and just let me come.

Well her mom, listen, her mom is not the problem. Have you ever apologized to her mom for almost knocking up her daughter? Um, not to mention she knows you're fucking her daughter. I mean, that relationship is over. Like, even if you fucking married her, she would have to wait to, you'd have to be like 34 before she'd be like, alright, I guess he is a good guy. Especially with her track record with men. I'm not gonna lie to you, dude,

you got yourself in a situation here. Ha ha ha. Um. Uh, what do you do here? Well, it doesn't sound like you wanna break up with her. So don't. If you don't wanna break up with her, don't break up with her.

And wear a condom. So those are the two biggest things. And then all you gotta worry about is, I mean, can you guys go to the movies? I'm running out of places to go to. You know what, have you thought about talking to your girlfriend? And just talked about how it's frustrating and all of that type of shit? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who shadow this dude. This is a tough one, dude. This is a real tough one because you almost fucking

knocked her up. So you're kind of you're kind of fighting on one leg here. Listen, okay, here's here's a positive way to look at it. All right, her mother's not gonna live forever. No, I'm kidding. This is gonna pass, all right? This will pass. You're not gonna be in this situation forever. The rest of your life is not gonna involve you going over and

trying to have unprotected sex in a cat, in a cat, in a house with nine cats, two dogs, and a divorce going on. All right? This is just a period of time in your life and you kind of got to see if, you know, if you can stick this out. Like, how does, how does your girlfriend feel about it? I think you guys really need to talk about this You've vented to me. I said some funny shit, but at the end of the day you got to talk to her about it and just tell her how you're feeling and If she gets upset Just be like alright. I get what what I said upset you But like I'm also just being honest with how I'm feeling and don't don't get upset too like what the fuck

I can't fucking tell you I'm fucking feeling you know you can't do that you just get He's just gotta Just gotta let him do what they're gonna do All right, that is the podcast those are great questions this week and the fucking brain is tired on a couple of those Well Billy jumping the gun. Maybe I should read the whole fucking thing, but that's not what I do. That's not what I do. I just jump to conclusions and try to move forward so I don't have to look what's behind me.

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on ya on Thursday. So I travel a lot. I mean a lot, perhaps too much to some of you, but that's kinda my gig, right? So I'm out there, I'm living out of suitcases, or suitcase sometimes, if I bring the big boy,

and I want all the comforts of home. That's why I stay at an Airbnb whenever possible. Recently I had some gigs in Fort Collins, Colorado, and I was with my friends and we were shooting some stuff, and before we got to the gigs, we were like, let's just get an Airbnb, and it is just a more comforting existence. You have a kitchen, you have a yard, you know it's communal living, it's just a less stressful

place more enjoyable experience. So when I go on tour you know like I'll be going on tour in a couple months I always am like well could my place be an Airbnb? You know just to have someone watching your place while you're gone and make a little bit of money and the answer to that is yes, yes, it can be an Airbnb. It's really just as simple as listing your place and letting it earn a little extra cash while you're away. So imagine someone staying at your home in Los Angeles while you're out there exploring

the world. Turn your home into an Airbnb. Give it a shot. You might be surprised at how rewarding it can be. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host.