Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-29-12

Episode Date: October 29, 2012

Bill rambles about dying, the new Denzel movie, and whores talking about robots.

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Trust your instinct, follow your understanding. Information and information at bmw.be For Monday, October 29th, 2012. How's it going? How are you? You know, I said a really weird, a really weird fucking thought. As I was sitting down here, getting ready to do this podcast, looking at my new mixer. I had to buy a new mixer, by the way.

There was one bad thing that happened to me when I went to Australia. Was, you know, I had this piece of shit mixer that I brought that was like, you know, 99 bucks. And I plugged it into the wall and there was some sort of surge and the fucking thing died, as I told you last week. So I finally had to go out and buy a new one. Does it sound any different? I don't know why I bought one that was cost me twice as much money

to do the exact same fucking podcast that nobody ever bitched about. Other than the fact that they say it's never out on Monday morning. Despite the fact they explain every fucking week that it's my Monday morning. I do it on Monday morning. Okay. It's not about you. It's about me. This is all about me.

You understand me? Well, yeah. Um, anyway, I had this really fucked up thought that I've been doing this podcast since like June or July of 2007. Every, basically every Monday. I remember one year it took two weeks off for Christmas. That was nice. Back before this became a corporate entity.

Um, I, uh, I just realized I got, I get, you know, I keep forgetting the hype. Our new podcast page, the all things comedy page. Why don't you fucking go to that every once in a while? Oh, I'm the worst. Why do I drink before I do these things? Whenever I do this, it never fucking goes well. Let's stay on track, Bill.

Stay on track. Okay. You freckled cunt. All right. Here we go. So I had this thought, you know, I basically do in this podcast every Monday since June or July of 2007, right? Every fucking Monday.

I'm basically documenting every Monday of my fucking life. Give or take sometimes a Tuesday, a Sunday, whatever. All right. Don't split hairs with me. I'm not in the fucking mood. And I was just wondering, you know, when is going to be the last Monday of my life? One of these is going to be the, it's going to be the last Monday. You know, how far away is that Monday?

You start thinking about like, you ever even think about just about like dying? You know, I know it's a Monday. You don't need to hear this. Well, fuck you. I'm thinking about it. I mean, hopefully it's going to be a long ways off. But what if I die tragically? You know, one of those fucking, what's a good tragic death?

You know, honey, can you replace the light over the garage? Yeah, it's been out for like the last two weeks and I get out of the car and I just hear things. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's the leaves. I don't know if it's a bird or like some sort of bugs. All right, I'll fucking change it. You don't have to yell, right?

And then you go out there after you add a couple of beers, right? You go up there on that fucking step ladder that's supposed to be for your mother-in-law so she can go up there and get her fucking favorite bull to pour a goddamn fucking or Cheerios into, right? You grab that one instead, instead of dragging out the silver one because you're fucking lazy and you take that little step ladder out and you get all the way up to the top and it's only three steps and you can't quite reach it, right?

So you fucking get on your little tippy toes, right? You start reaching up for the fucker. All of a sudden you hear that rattling. You look like that. You pull a nerve in your neck and there you go. Fucking reverse lawn dark fucking inverted like that plane in that Denzel movie where he's like, I'm sorry, I was drunk and my afro wasn't picked out correctly, but did I or did I not land the fucking plane safely?

That's what it's going to be. 90 minutes of that. 90 minutes of that, all right? Yes, but you were drunk. Yeah, but you're still alive. Well, that's not the point. Yeah, it is. Go fuck yourself.

Dude, you know fucking mad I would be if I landed a plane shit-faced and somebody gave me a rough time about it? Well, why were you drunk? I don't know because it's fucking boring because that's where I take off. I just throw it on fucking autopilot. And then I'm basically just sitting in this fucking uncomfortable lazy boy that I cannot get out of for the next four to six hours till I talk to some other douchebag. Okay, I flew in fucking I flew.

I had fucking combat missions. I'm used to getting shot at and now I'm doing this driving a fucking bus at 37,000 feet. You think I'm not going to drink? When it came down to it, that motherfucker was upside down and I still landed it and you're giving me shit. Do you know how much fucking money I saved you? Right? Isn't that what it's going to be?

Maybe an hour. If I wrote that movie, that's what it would be. It would be the first 10 minutes is him getting shit-faced, right? The next fucking five to seven minutes is all the holy fuck. We're upside down a bunch of fat cows hanging from their fucking seatbelts. As the hero of the movie is such a badass, his hat doesn't even come off, right? And he's just slurring, I got it, I got it, right? And everybody's screaming like a bunch of bitches.

And either I go fuck yourselves, right? And then he lands it. And when he lands it, everybody high fives him and when he's standing there going, hey, thank you for flying fucking TWA or whatever. He takes a little flask out, takes another hit, slaps some fucking stewardess on her ass and he gets off the plane and then he falls down the stairs, right? That's the left. That's the left turn for the comedy.

And then everybody starts breaking his fucking balls. That'll be the next two pages. So what are we up to now? Page 19? All right. So from page 19 to page 120 is going to be him screaming at all the fucking peons that are yelling at him for being drunk, you know, would you rather have me be stone sober and actually contemplate my own fucking mortality?

You know, I would have ended up in the fucking goddamn lake. You know something, you always like believe the movie and then Hollywood always has to Hollywood it up. Did he really have to be completely upside down like he was in the fucking Blue Angels? I mean, I guess those planes, they can actually do that shit, but give me a fucking break. Okay, do you know how much work that's going to be for the fucking the props people where every fucking take they got a fucking clean coffee and trail mix off the ceiling of this fucking plane, this fake half a fucking plane gives a shit.

Let's plow ahead. At least you know, we actually were coming a long way though. I feel the fact that Denzel is a pilot and there's no racial issue there. It's just that he's a drunk. That's great. That's actually a good thing. And I'm not even being funny. Like that's actually a good thing.

Because the second I saw it, I was expecting like my old joke, you know, where there was going to be some like, I ain't flying with that son of a bitch. I thought it was going to be one of those movies and it wasn't. It was just like he did a great thing, but he was drunk. Now what do we do? Bill, we've seen the trailer. How long are you going to milk it? We got it.

You got to fill the fucking hour. How about changing the topic once every 19 minutes? All right. Fine. All right. Let's get back to talking to my about my death or is my fight or is this podcast just going to go on way longer than it should way past the time that it's fucking relevant and fuck all you cunts who send me emails that say it's stopping relevant the day I

started doing it. All right. Quick on for the easy jokes. Step up your game. You're going to be fucking mean. Let's try to be creative. You know where I'm at? I'm at at Paul Versey.

That's my Twitter handle. Anyways, yeah, what if I go way too long and I'm like 87 years old, like approaching like that Bob Hope age and I'm, right sitting here wheezing, you know, with some 22 year old girl works over the varicose veins in my fucking legs so I can just keep podcasting or I could go out classy. I could go out at about 59 right and 15 fucking years. I could go out like Johnny Carson. Actually if I went left at 59 I go out like Jay Leno and then I would give my podcast

to some other redheaded guy and then come back and take it. So I'll go out like Carson at about 65 66 and that's how I'm going to do it. I would wear a tuxedo and I'm going to sit here quietly and I'll pay the greatest hits of the podcast from the previous week because I'm too fucking lazy. There's no fucking way I've going through what would that be 20 years of a podcast and ain't happening. All right, so you guys just get that out of your heads. There will be no farewell show on this podcast.

You know this podcast I've started like fucking four times because I swear to God, I'm still buzzing a little bit so I can't even remember what the hell I talked about. I don't know, did I talk about football yet? Have I talked about it? I don't give a shit. I didn't talk about, I talked about the Patriots, right? Did I? You know what?

I'm just going to go forward and if I feel like I already talked about it, then that's just what it's going to be. You like that? I got a little philosophical there, I got a little hippy on you, didn't I? I didn't really talk about it last week. By the way, I can't even, I started to touch on it but I was a little out of sorts because I didn't have my mixer or my fucking headphones last week so I just really just felt weird to just sit there and be talking to a goddamn laptop.

Speaking of which, I went to that Ted.com, just look up robots and try to find the one where this lady is sitting there, she's fucking talking about having robots around the house. You know what I mean? It's the stupidest thing. First of all, she's whoring it up for no particular reason in the beginning. I don't know why. She's wearing like these hooker boots. She's sitting there talking about robots to a bunch of egghead nerds and she's still

got to whore it up. It's like, can't you just stand on the merit of the fucking speech that you wrote? Do you really got to get people's dicks half full just so they'll keep listening to you? How fucking insecure are you? You're talking about robots in the house, walking down the hallway, hey, what's up? Fucking high five and a goddamn robot. That right, and it's not like it's a movie. It's fucking real.

That's not compelling enough of a subject. You can't hold the audience's interest. You still have to put on your street walker boots. It's weird. She has on street walker boots, but she has on a modest skirt. It comes down a little maybe because the boots go up so fucking high. You know what I mean? I mean, isn't that basically the rule if you're going to wear the fucking thigh high boots,

you basically have to have on a mini skirt. By the way, how great a holiday is Halloween become? It's just the fucking greatest thing ever. You know what I mean? It's just girls just go out dressed like horse. Even girls who aren't horse dressed like horse is fucking great. You know? Phenomenal.

I took me out to lunch and there was some girl standing there and basically who's kidding who? Something David Lee Roth would have worn except it was on a woman. So it was fucking great. It was just black and white striped basically spandex suit. And then she was standing there with these green pumps on and then some sort of ears. And evidently that was a costume. I don't know what it was.

I'll tell you, I don't know what it was, but I liked it. Shit. You know, I was sitting here the other night, last night, actually, he says through the cloud of alcohol and I was on the sportsman's channel and I was watching rednecks shooting wild pigs from a helicopter. This was a sport. I mean, who's kidding who? It's a fucking skill.

The pigs are running. The helicopter is moving, but they fly the helicopter. They try to fly it as close to the same speed as the pig. And it's just such a fucking joke after a while that it's just like you just start rooting for the pigs. Stupid ass fucking pig. Just stay under the trees. He can't see you and they just fucking shooting one goddamn pig after another.

And I'm sitting there going like, Jesus Christ, two fucking pigs. His gotta be 600 pounds worth of meat. You know, kind of fucking barbecue you haven't stopped shooting. These goddamn wild boars, right? And they keep cutting to the guy going, well, one of the difficulties when you're, when you are in a helicopter trying to shoot a pig is trying to lead them. How far are you supposed to lead them? It's basically the scene from Full Metal Jacket.

Get some, get some, get some, except it's pigs rather than children in Vietnam and women, you know? So anyway, so they cut to the whole thing like, and it's fucking hilarious. The guy who's teaching you how to do it is some retired special forces guy. He had this Australian accent and I'm just thinking of all the fucking shit that this guy's done. You know what I mean? It's almost like seeing like a retired athlete who, you know, at like the ground round who

like won a Super Bowl and there he is in the fucking corner booth sitting there eating fish and chips. You know what I'm saying? And literally the hottest girl in the place can walk over and just show him his clam or clam and he's not even going to fucking bat an eye. You know why? Cause he walked on the moon. It's over.

He's been to outer space. You can't get the guy's fucking heart rate going again. So I'm fucking sitting there looking at this special forces guy just going, this is, this is, this is the end. You know, you're sneaking around Saddam's fucking cabana snapping necks. You know, dressed like Tom Cruise at the beginning of fucking mission impossible doing all that shit. And when it's over, honorable discharge, where are you in the middle of fucking Texas, teaching

rednecks how to shoot fucking pigs from a helicopter. And the guys just sitting there going, yeah, you know, you know, gotta leave him that far. Just basically if you aim just a little in front of their nose with how fast the helicopter's going, you're going to get a body shot and with the caliber of bullet that you're shooting, it's going to be a kill shot. Jesus Christ. I gotta get a divorce. So anyways, this is the great thing.

So they cut to the fucking guy whose ranch they're basically hunting on and he's sitting on because I'm sitting there going, why are they killing all these goddamn pigs? And this fucking guy on the ranch is just sitting there going like, he's like, oh, they're multiplying. It's there. They ate all the grass in the front yard, they ate the grass in the backyard. I mean, they're they're a plague. We have to we have to do this by removing 400 pigs from the population.

It's actually a good thing that he kept calling them a plague. They're a plague. Wild pigs are a fucking plague. That's the one thing like I'm fascinated with stereotypical conservative and liberal thought. People just sort of think one way all the fucking time. Like the genius of conservative thought is it holds people responsible for their actions. You know what I mean? You don't get to be like, well, that's because my mom left when I was a kid.

Go fuck yourself. You stab someone. You're going to jail. You cunt. All right. That's when it totally makes sense, right? But those guys like that, the thing about them is they have a complete inability to ever step outside themselves and see it from another perspective.

Okay. If 400 fucking wild boar on your property or a plague, what are seven billion human beings? What are we classified as? I don't understand what you mean. God said go forth and multiply. Go out and take a shit in the fucking ocean. I mean, now what do you put all this here for us? Like that fucking thought, you know, like no matter what you do, you're fucking right.

You just see shit. They're just looking out their own fucking heads. It'd be one thing if you said, listen, I get it. They got a right to be here too, but I make my living off my fucking ranch and I can't have these fat cunts running around eating everything that I'm growing. Then I'd be like, all right, I see that. But to call them a fucking plague, you know, does that make any sense to you guys? Did I add that I actually say it in a way that made sense after boozing all day?

Once again, Cleo's asleep on the floor. Anyways, let's get to some advertising here for this week. Oh, Jesus. And I talked too fucking long. I got to answer the fast. I got to answer the password. Who the hell told me to do this? You got to make sure your computer's locked down.

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All right, back to the podcast here. So anyways, as I was mentioning, traveling to Australia, I can't remember, did I already talk about this? That's the theme of this. Did I already say this? Stop me if I've repeated this. If you never traveled outside of the country, I'm talking to Americans here and stop rolling your eyes, you cunt-y fucking Europeans, all right?

God damn assholes, you trip over a fucking broomstick, you fall into another country over there. It's fucking ridiculous. Literally, you can, from England, there's like people who can swim to France. That's how fucking close it is. Literally swim to France before the sharks get them. It doesn't make any sense, but they can do it. That's how close it is.

It's like when the Bruins used to play the fucking whalers. You could decide at five o'clock, you want to go to the game, fuck it, jump on the mass pike and you would, you know, make a left and you were there. Australia's a great one to start with. It really is. First of all, their customers is great. It's fucking awesome. They just say, hey, how's it going?

Get in there, you kook, they tossle your hair. None of that 911 shit, slap you on your ass and you're fucking in there. You're in the country. Then everybody speaks English already and if you're from Boston, it's going to sound familiar because they basically have a Boston accent. They just stretch it out a little bit more. We say beer, they say beer. We say blockbuster.

They say blockbuster. It's a terrible accent. Go fuck yourselves. It's basically what it is. All right. They're good people. They're fun people. And they like to booze and they don't bring up our foreign policy.

I don't know why, but they don't. So there you go. There's my ringing endorsement for Australia. Oh, you know what I did when I get on the way back? I actually, you know, that duty-free shit, I don't even get it. Everybody goes fucking nuts when they go in there and they got like chocolate bars the size of a fucking log you'd throw in a fire. That Toblerone, it was the size of a fucking pillow.

And not one of those ones that you just throw on a fucking sofa to dress it up, but you couldn't put your head on it. It's useless. It actually makes you hurt your neck even more. Not one of those. I mean, one of those, I'm going to bed, right? Full-size fucking pillow. All right.

Okay. I mean, how many different ways they got to fucking explain it to you? All made out of chocolate, right? They got, they got, I took a picture of it. They had a fucking, it was Johnny Walker blue or Johnny Walker black. This thing, it was the size. You ever see those gas cans they use in racing, like NASCAR, where they just fucking tip that thing up?

It was like the size of that. I literally put my fucking ghost white hand next to it just to give you a little bit of perspective of how big it was. And it was like, I don't know. I don't know. It was like like 200 bucks. I can't even, I can't tell if it's a deal or not because everything's gigantic and it's still cost a couple hundred bucks.

So I'm walking through there and it's all kinds of fucking cologne, like 10 years worth of cologne, perfumes, all kinds of booze. So I finally say to this lady, I go, Hey, do you got any, you got any cigars? And she's like, yeah, we do. You got to go in here. So I walked through this whole fucking little maze into this back room and I walk in there. I go, you got any Cubans? You got some Cuban cigars?

And they're like, yeah, we don't have a problem with Fidel Castro. That's fucking you guys. All right. So I say, cool. So I go and I buy a box of fucking 25 of them. And it's cool, man. They got that the actual, like I bought Cuban cigars before, but like two or three and they put them in a little fucking baggies here, you know, but this actually had the fucking

cigar box with a little nail in it and shit. But what sucks is over there, they have like, they put these warning labels that are just beyond warning labels. Like the first one I look at a bump bumper sticker is they say bumper sticker across the fucking top of it. And it was a picture of a guy's cancerous mouth, like lesions on his lips and like he had all kinds of periodontal issues and fucking rotted out teeth. It's like, I don't need to see that when I buy a case of beer, they don't show a picture

of a fucking, how do you say those cirrhosis liver cirrhosis size cirrhosis of the liver liver cirrhosis scenes, what do they don't show me a fucking picture of that some fatty fucking liver they don't. So I actually had to go between the lesser of two evils. Another one had like literally the skull and bones with some sort of like not a graduated cylinder. The one that kind of looks like a beer mug, but there's no handle on it. All you nerds out there know what the fuck it is, right?

Um, they had that on there. That was like the best I could fucking do. And I brought it back to the country and I don't know, I've kind of picked up a cigar habit. I have to break it. So now I got fucking, I got 24 left and somebody's like, dude, you got to get a humidor. You can't let those things go bad. So now I bought a humidor.

So now I'm a fucking smoker, I guess. I can't give into this habit. I just bought a fucking, is it a humidor? Is that what you call it? They teach me all the fuck off. Fuck, I was supposed to put the cigars in today. Now that they seasoned it. Oh, Jesus, what the fuck's wrong with me?

How bored are you that you start smoking cigars at 44? What a dumb cunt. Oh, so I didn't get back to the fucking, the whore talking about the robots. All right, so she starts her speech, right? Not a whore, just dressed like a whore. Like she put on a half of her Halloween costume and then, oh, wait a minute, I have to give a speech. So she goes down there and she's just like, she actually sounds, what she's talking about

is smart, but she doesn't sound that smart. So I don't know if some nerd wrote the fucking speech for her and got like, I don't know, fucking broke out and like hives right before the speech, so they sent her out instead. But she's just up there being like, you know, when I was a little girl, I remember just seeing Star Wars and seeing C3PO going, wasn't that just be awesome to have like a robot and not to like do jobs, but just to like kind of talk to and like joke around with. And she starts talking about how she feels that robots should be in the fucking house because she wants her own C3PO.

Am I saying that right? Am I pausing at the wrong time? I'm not going to C3PO, C3PO, C3PO. I don't know, whatever, that's such a stupid fucking movie. It was one of the most overrated fucking goddamn motherfucking movies of all time. I would rather watch Muppets Take Manhattan. I think that that holds up better because at least there's adult humor in there. You know, you know, totally ripped off, used the force Joel Olstein, that fucking squinty

died guy. Oh, you want a t-shirt? Jesus, why don't you have a t-shirt? Just think about it. It's going to happen. He totally stole that whole vibe. I don't even know if that makes sense. You know, furthermore, I don't care.

Plowing ahead to this lady sitting there, lady sitting there talking about these fucking robots. You got to watch the video in about, I don't know, 10, 11 minutes in. I can't remember where the fuck it is. They cut to somebody shooting the shit with a robot. And it looks like it's basically a head coming out of a giant VCR. And he's like sitting there, like, and it'd be like if you had a VCR or the head coming out of it, but like a robot head, like bolts for eyes and shit, but it has like eyelashes

for some stupid reason, like blinking, like it needs to blink, right? And he's sitting at it like he's at his desk, like almost face to face with the thing. He's just like, hey, fucking R2-D2. Look what my girlfriend bought me and he showed some sort of fucking, I don't know what the hell it's a macho chain or a watch. I can't remember what the fuck it was. And then the robot's just like, oh my God, that's really interesting, did she? And it's moving its fucking head.

Can I ask, this might be the dumbest question ever or just painfully obvious. Why the fuck would I need that? Why would I need that? Why wouldn't I just talk to my friend? You know what I'm saying? It's like the baseball kid from way back in the day. Remember that shit I talked about it here in the podcast, one of these Mondays? They used to have the baseball kid.

It's called baseball kid, the baseball kid. If baseball is what you want to do, baseball kid will pitch to you. And it was a cardboard cut out of a friend, basically, that you don't have throwing a fucking baseball to you. You know, it was basically for the kid with no friends. So now they've upgraded it to the person who has no fucking friends. You know what's great is that I bet that guy didn't even have a girlfriend. I bet he bought the watch for himself.

And now part of the sickness is he just fucking lies to this robot about this life that he doesn't have. And you know, once you start doing that, it's an inevitable, it's an inevitability. It's a fucking cirrhosis of the liver that that guy is eventually going to stick his fucking human dick in that robot mouth. And the second that fucking happens, that's it. It's the end of the fucking human race. I'll tell you right now, there's fucking this scientist out there, fucking robots right

now. They're out there banging robots, you know, under the whole platform of fucking research. It's really scary. Like go go watch this shit on Ted.com. They got another one showing how we're fighting wars now. And like these guys sitting in Arizona, they go to basically go to work, they go to war, and then they come home after fucking blowing up some bad guys or hopefully bad guys, right? And then they fucking go and they sit down and hang out with their kids.

And they're sitting there talking about how, you know, now the bad guys are getting the robots and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's just it's fucking inevitable. All those drones, they're basically eventually all the shit they use it over there, I think eventually they're going to use over here. You know, in the future, there'll be no more skipping jury duty. The second you skip it, you're going to wake up in the morning, peek out the window, and there's going to be a fucking drone just hovering there.

You have seven minutes to get to court or you will be vaporized. It's going to be one of those fucking things. Is this the least interesting thing you ever heard in your life? I mean, didn't I just basically do every science fiction movie? Has there ever been a science fiction movie where they predict something great? That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to be original here for once in my fucking life. Let's go the other way.

It's going to be a friendly drone. It's going to be outside the window. Go back to sleep. It's okay. We set your clone to go down to be jury duty. Now we don't need you. So you will be vaporized. You will be vaporized.

That's the way to do it. I think that that's going to be the funeral in 2020. I think by 2020, we're going to know definitely where you go when you die. And if it's anywhere other than here, people are just going to choose to tap out. You know, it's going to be like getting a vasectomy, just getting fucking vaporized. Real and intense fucking procedure that needs a serious talking before you do it. But you know, hey, you know, I'm just getting, I need a change, you know, like when people on the East Coast moved to like Minnesota or fucking San Diego, just needed a change.

That's what's going to happen. People are just going to get vaporized here in the future. It's fucking true. You know, I know you guys are rolling your eyes right now, but you don't have access to the information that I do. Okay. I'll reserve your judgment or whatever, whatever, temper your judgment. Don't be hasty with your judge.

Whatever that fucking expression is, um, you know what, you know what the one of the dumbest things I fucking did in the 80s is I never watched talking heads stop making sense. That concert movie, I finally, for some fucking reason sat down and watched it. Why did I watch it? Oh, I know I watched it because this, there was this song that was in a lot of movies like risky business in those coming of age movies, all the movies that I saw when I first got cable and first went to the movies and, uh, no, not first, when I first got cable and I went to the movies, oh geez.

And whenever there was a party going on and they wanted to show everybody going nuts, like three or four of those movies played this song where there was like no lyrics. This song just went high, high, high, high, high, high, high, high. And the whole fucking place was going nuts. That's just a great song to sing when you're drunk. The whole house party high, high, high, high, high, high, high. And I never knew what the song was. So it was just in my fucking head going, what the fuck was that song?

They always played that song and that song, but, oh yeah, by yellow. Um, that, oh yeah, remember that, which I always felt someone should have done a remix of me saying, oh Jesus to that, I would do it, but then I'd have some sort of fucking copyright infringement and because I have advertising on here at some point, some point somebody's gonna try to come at me and get a couple of nickels, right? But anyway, so I finally looked up that song. I just wrote Googled song, high, high, high, high, high, high, high. That's all I did.

And then I looked it up. Fucking head song called swamp. And then that led me to YouTube and next thing you know, I'll stop making sense and I watched just that clip of it. Just watch that, that song. Go on YouTube. That's a YouTube video of the week. Talking heads, stop making sense, swamp.

Just watch how that fucking thing is shot and go back and watch the beginning of the concert. How they come out is one of the coolest fucking things I've seen. And to think that there was that quality of music going on and the shit that I was fucking listening to, you know, and I'm not saying it's all shit. I actually owe appetite for destruction and apology because I went back and I actually that was another one that I watched when they were live at the fucking ritz and I'm like, I'm an asshole.

I judge that album because I watched some shit fucking quiet riot video. Whatever that's, that's how you do comedy. You just, you just speak in absolutes and you piss people off by it was actually even handed. No one would fucking listen to this, right? But anyways, that's one of the dumbest things I did in the 80s is I remember when it came out and Siskel and Ebert were like freaking out saying this is like the best fucking concert movie I've seen in a decade and yada, yada, yada and all this type of shit.

And I was just like, because all you think I knew was burning down the house. I'm like, oh, that weird guy with the white lines going through his head on the road at the end of it. Watch out. Um, all right. Delta curing breast cancer. Well, I just got an email from Delta sky miles with my monthly up account update. All the texts and links were pink.

Thank Christ that Delta is finally putting forth a serious effort towards fighting breast cancer. Yeah. Isn't it weird that you can actually get angry at a fucking something so good? Never underestimate over exposure. You know what that pink shit is right now? It's Ben Affleck when he was dating Jennifer Lopez. Remember that point?

And then all of a sudden the Red Sox were doing well and they'd be in the playoffs and then he'd be sitting right next to the dugout and you're like, oh my God, if I see this guy one more fucking time, that's what like though that that pink ribbon shit is. Fucking unbelievable. It's just, it's just, you know, I got it. I'm aware. You know, who do I give to let's fucking cure it. Okay, letting letting it go.

All right. All right. Divorce law fucking army dude. That's what this next one's called. Hey, Bill, my name is Johnny and I'm an active active duty military. Is that is that how you say it? Like he's good police. I am active duty military.

I just listened to your comments about divorce laws and how the wife gets half of the money and I felt compelled to write you about my situation. Now I'm saying whoever's making more money, whoever makes more money gets fucked in the divorce because Britney Spears got fucked. All right. That's my point. And generally speaking, the guy makes more money, which I'm not allowed to say some reason I guess that's sexist, but women can bitch about it all the time.

But if I actually acknowledge it, it's just one of those deals. I'm not allowed to say it. Well, I can say it, but then I have to listen to people bitch at me. I currently serve in the US Army. I recently filed for divorce in North Carolina from my wife because shit wasn't working. This guy's definitely military getting right to the point. We were only married a year and a half. As soon as she walked out the door, I had to pay her $820 a month for a year.

The Army told me it was mandatory. Now on top of paying her that shit, I now have to cover my mortgage. I have served in Afghanistan, Germany, Romania, and even stateside for this country. And because my ex-wife decided to walk out, I was entitled to pay her $820 a month. Isn't that unbelievable? Why is that? You don't have any kids. She's an adult.

Go get a fucking job. Anyways, the whole time we were married, she didn't have a job. Well, there you go. We provided everything. Paid the bills, took her to nice places, bought her a dog, put a roof over our heads. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I support your cause to find justification for this shit. Yeah, the two biggest things that bug me are divorce settlements where the person who makes

more money has to fucking just pay for the other person. Like they don't have two arms, a legs, and fucking brains. Two arms, two arms, a legs. That's yeah, I did just say that. That's bugging me and all these past interference calls in the NHL, the NFL, Jesus, oh Jesus. This is how bad the calls are on the NFL or how lopsided that shit is. I'm watching the Patriots today. And even when we're on offense, the second there's a flag in the secondary.

Even if I don't see the play, I just go, oh, give me a fucking break. I thought that fucking corner that got three past interference calls, I thought one of them, one of them, the one way he just, you know, was literally yanking on his fucking jersey. And other than that, when he's just yanking on it a little bit, that's football. All right, I know I've talked about it too much. Anyways, on top of having a stressful job, I now go home and try to scrape up money just to put, just to put gas in the tank of the car, but she's, because she is taking money

that she hasn't done shit to earn. I'm paying for her apartment so that she can get banged in it probably and I, to get banged in it probably and live a simple free life. It's bullshit. Well, Bill, I hope to hear back from you and I appreciate your work. Yeah, it is bullshit, but you know what? You got off easy. You only got a year of that.

I just wish I was a judge and it just be like, Hey lady, as far as I can tell you're healthy, go get a fucking job. And I can see if she took a year off from work and she's at home, you know, washing your fucking undies and that type of thing. And you got a, you got a supporter until she gets a fucking job couple, two or three months. What a world, what a world to live in. What do you do all day? Can somebody, somebody who listens to this has to be in that situation.

All right. You don't have to leave your name. You don't have to leave your number. I just want to hear from you. What is that like to just sit in a fucking house that you don't have to pay for? Is it kind of scary? Cause you got to be like, well, what if he stops paying? Then I'm out of my ass.

What if he decides, fuck you, I'm going to jail. He or she, you know, do you ever just sit there and just like not get up one day and just, I'm just going to sit in bed and eat fruit loops all day. Why not? I can do it. You know, and then do you ever watch like Oprah and see people doing shit with their lives and get that sort of weird feeling in your head like, Hey, shouldn't I do something with my life instead of fucking sucking the life out of another human being?

No, honestly, I would love to hear from you. What do you do all day? Do you get enjoyment out of that? Going to the mall, walking around with everybody else's at work and you're just sitting there walking around trying to find another pair of horseshoes before you walk into a cheesecake factory. I'll just have a salad. All right.

So you can track another dick in your life that can pay for another couple of years. That's the game plan. That's going to get you to the playoffs. I don't think so. Playoffs. You kidding me? Playoffs. All right.

I have a lot of questions in her Facebook. Hey, Billy boy, I'm a big fan and new listener. Thank you. I am in a little bit of a predicament. I got onto my laptop the other day when I woke up around one in the afternoon. I worked the night shift. I looked through my history and I see some fucked up conversations that my girlfriend is having on Facebook with another guy.

Oh, they were old emails. It was obvious that she was, she's still thinking about this guy. Wait a minute. I got to go back and do the math on this. I got into the laptop the other day. I woke up around one in the afternoon and I worked the night shift. I looked through my history and I see some fucked up conversations that my girlfriend is having on Facebook with another guy.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're on your laptop. Dude, fuck all this shit. Just be honest. You got a weird vibe off your girlfriend or you're fucking, you don't trust, you don't trust her or you don't trust people in general and you went on her Facebook account. Isn't that what you did?

Okay. Now we're caught up here. There were old emails, but it's obvious that she's still thinking about this guy. How is it still obvious if they're old emails, if she hasn't emailed the guy since she got with you? She says, the one that caught me was from around two years ago. It said something about having a sleepover with this guy. The only problem is that we were dating at the time.

Uh-oh. Then a few months later, she emails him again saying she misses him. What the fuck? I've been nothing but good to this girl. That doesn't mean shit, dude, if her heart's with this other guy. He lives in my house, doesn't pay bills or even tries, or even tries to keep food in the house. I'm always the one keeping the house straight.

I'm the one who does everything. I'm too nice a guy, I guess. Everything I say, she freaks out and starts to cry and shit. I've been with her for almost three years. I don't know what to do. Should I confront her about the other guy? I was kind of snooping on her shit when I found this stuff. There it is.

There it is. Yeah, dude. You know what? You know why you're snooping. And you knew what you were going to find that you didn't want to find. You probably had one eye closed because you knew what you were going to find and you found it. Anyways, he goes, I mean, don't get me wrong.

She snooped on my Facebook too at times and caught me talking to other girls. But all my life, I've never been unfaithful to her. And this kid that she used to know looks like Sloth from the Goonies fucked up brother. Any advice would be great. Yeah, you guys, what are you doing? You're just clinging to each other. Break up. What are you doing?

All right? First of all, I don't believe that you've never been unfaithful to her. I don't believe that because it took you fucking two paragraphs to admit that you actually went into her fucking Facebook. So I think if this email was another two paragraphs to be like, except this one time when I let this girl blow me 12 fucking times on seven different dates, you know, I don't know. First of all, forget the fact that she's fucking around or whether or not she's fucking around or whether she has feelings with somebody else.

How can you be in a relationship with somebody that every time you bring something up or want to talk about something heavy, she freaks out and cries about it. That's not an adult, you know, she's a child, she's acting like a little kid, all right? There's no reason to fucking cry. When you're an adult, there's no reason to fucking cry unless somebody, something tragic has happened to somebody you love. Other than that, if I'm bringing up the fact that I feel like you haven't done the dishes as many times as I've done it lately, or, you know, I go to bed earlier than you do

when you come into bed with your fucking iPad and it's lighting up the goddamn room like a flying saucer's coming down, and you have a little consideration. If you start crying during that, you're an asshole. All right, you're a fucking child. You know what you should do? You should just get a fucking pacifier. That's what I would do. The next time you go to bring something up, she starts crying.

You just pull it out and be like, and you wave it in her face, and you just throw it against the wall and you go, you pick it up, you fucking baby, right? And right there, you're not going to have to worry about what to do with the relationship because it's going to be over, all right, plowing ahead. What do we got here? Amazon.com. You know what to do. You want to donate to this podcast and then also be donating to the troops, which I have

not sent them a check in like two months. I got to send them a fatty whatever I've been on the road for fucking seven weeks. Just being honest, I got to send them or else the fucking piano is going to fall on my head. Just go to billbird.com, click on the podcast page, click on the Amazon link, go ahead and buy something if you want, and they'll kick me a little something doesn't cost you anything extra. And then I kick something to the fucking troops, which I'm overdue on doing, which I'm going to do.

All right. Gamefly.com. You know, you want 8,000 games at your fingertips for 15 day free fucking trial. Go to www.gamefly.com slash Bill Burr, baby, no, not baby, www.gamefly.com slash Bill Burr. Two weeks of video games and then you got it and it's over and your life is great. All right. I'm a lady in the lab. I'm a lady in my late 20s.

I'm very lucky because I'm happily married and I'm getting a PhD at a large research institution. My PhD is mostly paid for by the university in exchange for working as a research assistant under a professor in my department. That sounds like the beginning of a porno. My tuition is greatly reduced and I pay for my education with cash. It's a good deal. Good for you.

I'm a big person before. This is the kind of girl you want to be with right here, although you kind of seem like you got some issues too. You got to work out your own issues before you deserve a lady like this. A lady in the lab. She's got that white coat and those smart glasses. She looks like a nerd and one day you take out your cock. She undoes her hair, takes off the glasses, does that fucking flip.

The next thing you know, you're having a kid. That's called a lady in the lab love song. Here's my problem. I work on a large research team with several other students, one of whom is a much older man. I know this is going to go in a sexual direction at some point. Is he some dirty pervert fucking hair coming out of his ears? Anyways, he's probably in his late 50s, early 60s.

I am regularly, why is he doing this so late in life? Because he probably has some fear of commitment. I'm telling you, he's taking his dick out. I'm calling it right now, Paul Versey moment. He takes his fucking dick out by the end of this story. All right, here we go. I'm regularly assigned to work with him and he always treats me like gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe.

Yeah, he's breaking it down. His treatment of me varies from impatient to cruel, but there's never any evidence of his meanness or an email trail of it. He's too careful for that. Oh, all right, I was wrong. He's just a mean son of a bitch. My method for at least the last three years was to kill him with kindness. It has never worked.

I've tried to be effusive, I don't even know what that means, and personable and sweet. But the only response I get from him is disdain. I've given up on this method now because it makes me feel like a doormat. Yeah, absolutely. And frankly, I'm too angry. I only speak to him when I'm required to, and I've been trying to keep my head down and graduate and get out. Soon, I will be moving on and out of the research team, but I hate to think about what my replacement

faces. She's a lovely person and she's already noted how mean this guy is to me, and she's confided that he has been rude to her too. I feel so angry that I can't help or protect her in any way. She even said to me, I will just try to kill him with kindness. Oh, I'll just try to kill him with kindness. Hear her saying that broke my heart. I know it won't work.

Why can't you just say to the guy, hey, just out of curiosity, I've been with you for three years and you're one of the meanest human beings I've ever met in my life. Is there a reason for this? You know, do I have halitosis? Do I remind you of some woman that took you for all you got in divorce court? What exactly is your problem, you old cunt? Leave out the last part. Anyways, she says, I don't want to complain about him to any higher up in our department.

I'm certain no administrator would listen to me or care and I'd only make myself look like a whiner. Yeah, you know what it is? You know why you sat here for three years taking shit from this guy because you're putting no value on yourself. No one's going to listen to me. No one wants to hear it. They'll just think I'm a whiner.

I think in a very nice way. If you haven't been a jerk to anybody and you've been there for three years, you've never demonstrated any sort of poor behavior, why wouldn't they listen to you? Like that's old Becky, kill him with Karen, kill him with kindness. Oh my God, if she's complaining, something's got to be wrong with this guy, right? Anyway, she says, and while I know he's a bastard to all of our other peers, the younger students and the secretary, he's a kiss ass to the director and other tenured professors. Is this a real person or a cartoon?

This sounds like the asshole fucking boyfriend of the hot chick in every coming of age movie. You know, the hot chick who eventually ends up with the nerd, which never happens in real life, not until your thirties. Lodging a formal complaint wouldn't resonate with anyone who was the power to fix the situation. On the other hand, I want to tell this guy off, or the very least, let him know that he can't bully people like this. He's a mean, fat, miserable fuck. You really are angry.

I love it. Who has made my professional life hell, and I want him to know exactly what I think of him. How do you think I should go about this without getting into trouble? By the way, even though this man has a semi-permanent position in our department, I still have more graduate degrees than he does, even though I'm probably half his age. Feels good. All right.

You know what? You're almost graduating. You're saying, you know, this guy's a kiss ass, it's not going to do anything. I think this calls for a good practical joke. Just make his life a living hell. I know in the past I said, don't fuck with somebody's car, but this might be the perfect time to do it. You know, it's a good thing to do.

Go to McDonald's. This is what you do. You just make his life a living hell. Just go to McDonald's, order some french fries and say, can I get a couple extra of those ketchup packs? You know, thank you. And then you just go out to his car and you take the ketchup and you put it underneath his door handle.

Just a little cunt-y things like that, and then you just stand on the other side of the parking lot and you giggle as you watch this miserable motherfucker walking over to the car. Can you please do this and send a video so I can show it to all my listeners and listeners, if you have other, just little, nothing where he gets hurt. Just little messes that he has to keep cleaning up. You know, just put a little bit of ketchup underneath there. And I actually did that to someone one time and I swear to God, by the time the person got to the car, I was in the exact same situation.

By the time the person got to the car, I was laughing so hard, I almost passed out. Just the anticipation of this fucking cunt, you know, who I was basically in the same situation you were in, you know, just do that. It's fucking hilarious. And then the next time he goes out to his car, he's going to have to like, you know, do it with one finger to just see if there's anything underneath there. Just do shit like that. What else can you do?

You know more about this guy. All right. Where does he live? What does he do? I would even go old school. Now, he probably know that you take a shit in a bag, ring the doorbell, you light it on fire and then the guy comes out and stomps it out and steps on shit. That's one of the oldest ones in the book.

I would just do silly, I would just do silly shit like that to him. Just something that's going to make you laugh. Get it on video and send it to me. We'll put it up on the fucking internet. And then you'll get in trouble. I don't know, dude. I don't know what to tell you. If you're not going to go to your higher ups or confront this guy, I don't know how other

way you're going to get this person back other than to just do little fucking silly things like that. I don't know. I feel like I let you down, but you kind of walled me off. Why don't you take off your smart glasses and undo the fucking barrette in your hair, shake it out and just be like, can I have a word with you? You know, talk to the higher ups like that. Use the power of sex.

I'm the fucking worst. Why do you guys ask me advice? Is it because you want me to realize how dumb I am? Because if that's the end game here, it's working. Bill, how to find a chick like Nia. Isn't that nice? Hi, Bill. I was listening to some of your podcasts with Nia and it just hit me.

How much both of you are so fucking aware of what's going on underneath whatever the fuck you are rambling on about at the moment. Know what I mean? Sort of. She knows what you're talking. She knows when you're talking out your ass or acting like an idiot and she plays with it. She seems to understand just like you understand that when someone says, bitches ain't shit.

It probably just means that the guy is afraid of commitment. Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. He goes, I'm talking about the green room, the green room episode where you get in an argument with that lady and you quickly talk about that. Anyway, shit that seems so fucking obvious to some, especially comedians, yet it never, yet never even considered by the majority of people. No, that's not really a comedian thing.

That's just I took a psychology class. I would really wish I could take credit for the fact that I can make fun of somebody's big head that I somehow understand their childhood. Now that's like psych 101, but I'll take the credit if you'll give it to me. Anyways, my question is how the fuck do you meet a girl like that? I'm 29 and although I know I'm still young, I can't figure out how the fuck to meet someone who's not some other clueless fucking cunt waiting for some douchebag to make them feel better about them.

Jesus. Okay. I'm before you even go through the rest of that tirade, dude. You know what is? You keep fucking dropping anchor in the same poison pond, all right? You keep fishing in the same water and hole. You keep making meat in the same fucking girl. I'm not going to lie to you.

It took a while to meet a girl like Nia, but like, you know, I did keep meeting the same types of women over and over and over and over and over again because I kept going to like meet market bars. Where would I always meet women? I mean, I always met women at the gym, you know? I don't know how I always, how I always, I always had game at the gym and I sucked. I sucked in the meat market. I was the fucking worst.

The few times I tried to go to the dance club, nobody wants a fucking pasty freckled face jackass screaming over usher in their ear. They just don't want it. They don't want it. I didn't have any fucking luck over that, but you get me in a goddamn gym and you got survivor on the fucking goddamn speaker. I got a little game. Not a lot, but I got a little.

The gym, you know, the gym's a great place to meet a psycho. You know what I mean? Either somebody who has unbelievable body issues or then you get the married chick who's who's fucking not happy in a relationship. You know, she's going to the gym dressed in these ridiculous fucking outfits. You know those fucking horny outfits like, do you really need to have that much fuck that little clothing on? You know, they're always doing those bend over.

You know those fucking chicks that actually go in the weight room, but don't really lift weights. You know, they're always working on their fucking hamstrings or whatever. I don't know. I'm sure there's the guy version of that, but I don't pay attention to it. Right. The big creepy guy walking around with this fucking half a ball hanging out, hanging around the fucking.

I was going to say lunch room. There's no lunch from there. Is there? I guess there always is that little area with the fucking power bars. Um, it was funny. They actually did a story on the local news out here about how those energy drinks that they have actually have surprisingly, if not dangerously high levels of caffeine, isn't that a stunner?

Can you believe that? Isn't that unbelievable that you could sit there and be like, Oh my God, I need 10 hours of sleep, take a fucking drink of this shit and be like, Oh no, wait a minute. I think I'll go paint the house. You know, you don't think that there's something in there. If it's not caffeine, it's basically liquid coke. You know, I, uh, you know, I know somebody who fight them convinced they were fucking overweight, but I'm convinced that, uh, it's not, it's not who you're thinking as somebody

outside of the fucking comedy world was drinking those fucking five hour energy things from what I heard, like they were going out of style. Those fucking things that they're crazy. Can I actually say that they're allegedly, they're allegedly crazy, crazy, they're fucking crazy for feeling so lonely. I think that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I gradually sobered up, gradually worked off the buzz. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Um, the fucking, you know, it's funny about the jets. The jets don't try against anybody in the AFC East unless they're playing the Patriots. When they play the Patriots, they just fucking show up. Anytime I see him play the dolphins, they're just like, ah, it's just the dolphins. Fuck it. Who's this? The bills. Ah, get over here.

You fucking knucklehead. Maybe that's just me. Probably is. Right. Is there anything else that I wanted to talk about? Hey, can anybody explain to me how a fucking king snake can fucking eat a rattlesnake when the rattlesnake clearly looks like it's biting it? Evidently it has some sort of like a little bit of immunity to the poison unless it gets

bitten the fucking head. But then I went on YouTube and I was looking, I was trying to find a sanctioned loss between a king snake and a fucking rattlesnake. Do you believe the level of free time I have in my life that this is something that I actually do? I imagine a lot of you guys do it too. Um, all right, YouTube. King snake.

Like one of like a cottonmouth eating a fucking, you know, I always root for the animals that's dying and I hate fucking snakes. And when I see one snake attack another snake, I actually start to feel bad for the snake that's dying. Doesn't make any. Oh, King B, John Belushi, you guys ever see this? Did you guys ever see that clip from SNL? How fucking tight is the band that's playing with them?

That drummer is insane on that. I can't. Does anybody know who the drummer is on? It's an SNL one. I'll bill who gives a shit. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Listen, listen to me.

I'm going to be in, uh, Nolans. Listen to this shit. This is my weekend. I'm going to be in New Orleans this weekend at a casino. Let me see if I can get you the actual shows, Harris in New, uh, New Orleans, Harris casino in New Nolans, Louisiana. I got two shows Friday night, showtime, 7pm and 9pm. And I'm going to be with New Jersey zone, Paul, dude, I called it, Verzi.

It's going to be great. It's going to be great. Oh, by the way, just to warn you, I shaved my beard off. Just I'm going to be, I'm going to look like I did when I did let it go, except not as fucking booze headed. So Friday night I'm doing that show and then say in Boston Saturday, say, or you're really bust owning. If you don't even, it's just all vowels between the S and the Y. Why don't you come over,

come over on say, um, Saturday, I am going to the fucking LSU, Alabama, fucking sec football game. That was one of my bucket list. I said one of these days I'm going to an LSU home game and it's finally happening. This is my little bucket list thing. So if this is my last Monday, know that I died doing what I wanted to do. Um, you know what's funny is I actually do die between this Monday and another Monday. Do you understand the amount of douchebags who believe in wizardry and all that's going

to be like, do you know why he died? He died because he said he was going to die really. Then all I have to say is this time next week I will be worth a hundred million dollars. No, see, that doesn't work because that's something good. I'll go fuck yourself and, um, and then on Sunday, I'm just fucking hanging around. I'm not doing nothing other than going down Bourbon street, getting drunk, seeing some tiddies and trying not to get stabbed. Okay.

Cause that's what bourbon street bourbon street. Basically when you get on bourbon street, you stay on bourbon street. Do not make a right. Do not make a left. Do not pass. Go. You stay on bourbon street on bourbon street. You are within the herd.

You make a right or you make a left and you are that lonely zebra drinking at the watering hole out on the fucking sarin getty and there's something's going to reach up and grab you and they're going to find, you know, your foot's going to be used in some sort of voodoo fucking ceremony. All right. And that's New Orleans. That's New Orleans. Stay on bourbon street.

Oh, tourist friends of mine. And I'm hanging around. Why? Cause Monday. I'm going to the Monday, such a douche, I'm going to the Saints Eagles game on Monday night. What are you doing? All you guys have got married, had kids and go, I've got to go buy a new rake.

Why'd you do it? I know cause it's awesome, right? You get to dress them up this time of year. What are you going on? I want to go out is this. All right. We'll get you a little fucking mask. Do you know I haven't made my punking bread yet, Cleo?

Cleo, what the fuck is wrong with you? You've been itching like a goddamn maniac. Do I have to give you a bath? Does anybody know the dogs? How are you? I love you too. The dogs like, I know they don't, my dog does not like getting a bath, but do, do they feel better after a bath?

I can't tell if it's flipping out because it feels good or it's absolutely ecstatic that it's over. This dog goes absolutely ballistic. The second it's over, you dry it off and then it just sits there. It's almost like it literally has a fucking smile on its face. That's my dog questioned. All right. So that's the podcast this week.

YouTube videos of the week. Once again, we'll have the links to them is that, that Ted robot video, the talking head swamp. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, fucking clip from stop making sense, swamp and, and please give that woman just some fucking practical joke. Shit you can do. Why don't you just go old school and literally put a bucket of water over a door and just get them totally like three stooges style.

You know, is there a way to make somebody fall, you can't make them fall down the stairs. That's bad. Wouldn't be great if he did. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. My condolences to the Ryan family, the one on the Jets and the Cowboys.

I still can't believe the fucking Giants won that game. Those fucking goddamn lucky cunts. Great football team. Jesus. When is their luck going to run out? Touchdown. Wait a minute. After further review, unbelievable.

What was it? Like just the side of his pinky was out of bounds. Unfucking believable. When is Tony Romo going to have some luck? All right. That's it.