Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 10-29-18

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Bill rambles about The Red Sox, Bud light cans, and breaking up with people.

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With the food B Hey, what's going on? What's going on, Duke? It's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast For Monday, August 29th, 2018 Oh, happy baseball championship Happy baseball championship

Why am I in such a good mood? Why do I want to walk down the street with a fucking bass drum kicking my fucking feet up in the air? Because you're 2018 Boston Red Sox once again are World Series Champions Do you believe it? I think I speak for all the New England when I say fucking Wooo

Unbelievable Unbelievable I remember after 2003 thinking All I want to do is just see these fucking assholes Just one fucking time Have a clutch Fucking moment In your fucking life

You read socks, wear and cunts That's where I was at All right And the very next year they win it And I was like, you know what, that's it You know, I'm in such a good mood I don't give a fuck that my phone is making noise in the background That's what's over the great mood of it

All I wanted to see was just some win at once Not only do you have to see them win at once Three times, four times They're one behind the Patriots So all you haters out there, just in case you lost count In this century, we've won five Super Bowls Four World Series titles An NBA championship and a Stanley Cup

And one of those soccer championships MLS, whatever But winning championships and stuff I don't even give a fuck about All right And for all you guys Don't you get old after a while Don't you get tired of it

No It's fucking awesome It's fucking awesome You know And you know, if it doesn't happen to us I hope it happens to you someday That you're in fucking New York or in Montreal Or a Laker fan

Other than that I had no fucking problem with anybody Unbelievable I didn't know what to say I don't know if it was Jackie Bradley Jr. Or JD Martinez One of them said after game three That I was at

Can't believe I was at the game He said I've never seen a team Just get punched in the face And then just get up Like nothing happened Like this team Something like that

I know I'm butchering it But it was just perfect They were just never out of it I have not seen a team Score this many fucking runs With two outs Be down this much Since the 1998 New York Yankees

Which is probably the best team I've ever seen The only other team in my lifetime And I vaguely remember seeing them Maybe the big red machine I mean that team That team was fucking incredible That was just another team

That was just like They were just stacked You know what I'm lying a little bit That phone thing is gonna bug me here This continues to happen here Anyways Congratulations to the Dodgers

Jesus Christ Another great season He just came up short All I can tell you Having been through that You know It just makes it all the more Sweeter when you finally win it

But you know So we went to game three What a fucking great stadium by the way And not only is it a great stadium That the Dodgers have Like the stadium Just considering when it was built And there was so many of those

Solis Cookie Cutter Baseball stadiums that they made They were multi-purpose basically All of them were designed So you could play football And baseball back there A very Like

Forward thinking Money saving Environmentally friendly Thing that we did And then we all decided Like you know what Fuck these stadiums They're old

Why fix them up I don't understand Why you just can't fix them up They're made out of metal And concrete They're not going anywhere That's like Any fucking car you have

The fucking engine block Is made out of steel As long as you take care of it It's going to run forever Everybody just throws shit out So they knock down All of these fucking stadiums And then rebuild

Not at one But two more stadiums We want I want my own stadium I don't want to share it Although You know I did boomer A science show

Boomer and it was a Geno And He was talking about What it was like to play For the Cincinnati Bengals In the same In riverfront stadium

He said They used to cover a home plate With a piece of wood And then just threw Astroturf on top of it So if you got tackled on it Basically It's like you landed

On somebody's tree for it So I guess you know Maybe that's the reason But I would have thought They could have come up With some sort of technology Well they didn't have to fuck it That was just basically

Because there was Astroturf Right I don't know I don't pretend to understand But Me and my buddies We went to game three And

I didn't wear any red sock shit Still almost got into a fight Fucking West Coast Still almost got into a fight Unfucking believable You know It was like What killed me was

We went to the game And there was so many empty seats Because StubHub Just gouged the shit out of everybody They were charging like 700 bucks I was at the top of the stadium Those tickets were over 700 dollars

And you know I guess StubHub was content To be like Well you know We're making four times The fucking face Value of the ticket What do we give as shit

If every you know Three out of every four seats Is empty almost You know It wasn't that bad But there were big Giant swaths of fucking Rows that were just

Nobody was there From the bottom All the way up to the top And you know People got flat screen TVs They don't need that shit They're gonna come home They'll see the fucking replay

They'll know the pitch count They'll you know All of that shit Other than being like me Trying to figure out the scoreboard With my fucked up eyes At this point So anyways

My buddy You know He was having a few beers And when he was finishing He was just sitting In the row behind us That was like basically empty So there was a guy behind there

And you know All he had to say was Hey guys Do you mind just keeping your Empties in your row Just because you know Me and the kid My wife and the kid

Had a problem That's how it would have gone down But instead Because he's a West Coast guy You know They're so fucking laid back Out here He immediately just says

To my buddy This is how he enters The conversation He goes He's like Hey buddy Is there something wrong With the underneath

Of your chair My friend turns around Looks at him Immediately With that look on his face Like Wow I'm about ready to get into a fight

And he's like What? He goes Is there something wrong With the underneath Because nobody's sitting In like Literally

Like fucking Flash paper Escalates To this level So I'm sitting there So I just go You know I've been out here long enough

I'm a veteran Like I know this is gonna happen Like You could literally Go to the game Fucking Dressed like Jesus

Or Santa Claus Whatever the fuck You're into And still Somebody's gonna be Like Hey whitey You think you

Could not have Your fucking beard Going over your shoulder Blocking half the fucking Feel like something's gonna happen Hey Santa Why is your suit red What are you a fucking Cardinals fan

You know And all of a sudden You're into it So I just turn around I look at both of them I just go Ladies Ladies

Ladies Which usually diffuses it Somebody's saying ladies Alright Then you realize Like Alright I'm acting like

I got a fucking tamp on On Right I go We're at the world series So now I'm fucking mad I don't say anything To the guy

And then I just Just fucking sit down So we sit down And then I For fucking hitting And loudly talking About what The level of

Fucking asshole fans Fucking asshole fans That are out here on The fucking west coast It's just like They go to the game To get into a fight It's just like

So after the inning Half of that I'm like dude Do you really want to keep doing this So I get up I go down to get a beer And I'm coming back And I'm walking up the aisle

This fucking guy Is sitting there Mean mugging me Now this guy He's gotta be like Fucking 50 pounds over Fucking weight There's four of us

There's one of him Not granted He's in the row behind us I guess maybe he could Fall on us And do some fucking damage But if we wanted to We all

Probably could have picked him up And thrown him over We were the second to last row Literally just thrown him off The back of the fucking stadium Alright So I'm with people from Boston That is a

That is a There's a chance That there's that level Of fucking anger involved It wasn't us But I'm just saying And this guy could give a fuck So he's fucking staring at me

As I'm walking up He's with his wife and kid And he's fucking staring at us Like fucking William Wallace Staring at me I should say As I'm coming up So I'm literally My eyes are fucking bad at this point

So I'm like Is this guy staring at me Like fucking old You gotta either squint Or you kinda look away And then look back At something So I had to look away

To focus on something else And then I look back at him I'm like yeah He is staring at me And I just looked away So he probably thought That was a moment of weakness So now he's probably

There it is He's going extra hard With his face now I swear to God So I just got up there And I don't know what happened All of the anger All the shit

It just went away I was just like buddy We really gonna do this man Come on I respect the dodgers So I go to So I see his face finally relaxed I go to fist bump the guy

He's so fucking macho He can't even like Stick his hand He makes the fist But he has his hand Still near his body It's like my daughter When I first

Like was teaching her How to wave And she wouldn't like Lift her arm up She would just like Open and close her hand While I just rested on her leg It was like adorable

But with this guy It was just I don't know what it was It was just like Wow this guy's got a lot of pain I don't know what the fuck happened to him Fist bump Long story short

By the end of the game Even though his dodgers are losing We're like friends We're friendly anyways Diffuse the whole fucking thing And my angry fucking Italian Boston guy And what he's like

Dude how the fuck did you do that How the fuck And I just said to him I was just like dude I'm fucking done with it I'm not fucking doing this anymore I'm not gonna fucking Go to a fucking baseball game

And then almost getting As a 50 year old bald fucking dude Almost get into a fight Over an empty fucking Bud Light beer can And where it was placed Within this concrete structure I'm just not

I'm not fucking doing it anymore Right I had already almost gotten into a fight With my wife And I diffused that Because we had pregame at my house And evidently my wife Didn't feel like she was invited

I don't know why We were in the house She's always been invited But what happened You know what happened I came off the road And I was under the gun Where I didn't have a lot of time

Between getting back to the house Giving her a hug and a kiss Checking in with my kid And then making sure I had beer for people coming over To go to the game Because the game starts at five And I didn't get back from Phoenix

Until you know One o'clock didn't get home To like two right So You know they're coming home They're coming back I'm sorry I got home at like One o'clock

And my friends are coming over too So I barely hugged And kissed my wife And then asked her to go out And get some beer for the guys You know Which is something I never do I usually handle everything

You know she's always got The honeydew list for me But I never have anything for her So I can get some beers And she's looking at me like I just asked her If she could fucking walk on water Or something

So a half hour goes by And I'm looking at her Are you gonna go out And get the beer And she goes Are you serious I didn't know you were being serious And I was like yeah

I'm being serious Like why would I say That is a joke And she goes well Because you know I'm just sort of sitting here You know hanging out And you know

It's one of those You know It's just one of those things In our relationship Where like one person Is gonna ask somebody else To do something That they never do themselves

Or vice versa Or something like that So I don't know She couldn't get a fucking head around it So then she goes And she gets the beer You know she pulls up And of course when she pulls up

She's like can you come out here And help me bring the beer in Because that's what the fuck They can never just Fucking do something for it They still gotta drag you in Right And I missed that text

So my friends went out And helped her out And then she was fucking pissed at me Or whatever So We're driving to the game And she's like texting me About what a jerk I am

So I fucking defuse that I go to the fucking game I defuse the fat fuck behind us That's all I did the whole Fucking day Diffusing shit As I watch the Red Sox Then go down

You know Four to nothing And after that Crazy fucking game In game three Where We used our starting You know

Game four pitcher I mean what I mean How great a game did What's his face Bueller pitch I feel like people forgot About that

With the Dodgers winning It was all about that guy Hitting the home run I apologize I got a kid now I don't know anybody's fucking names anymore I watch the games While I fucking switch

Back and forth Between the game And puppy dog pals Every time I switch From puppy dog pals Back to the game My daughter just points to the TV And goes uh oh

Uh oh Dog Dog And I got a I'm like just a second Mimi Mao Mimi Mao It sounds like she's speaking

Like Chinese or something She's saying Minnie Mouse Mimi Mao Mimi Mao Mimi Mao Anyways So

I don't even know Who hit the fucking home run The whole thing was such a blur I've been so goddamn busy Somebody hit a fucking home run For the Red Sox To make it three to nothing I mean four to three

Then we scored another run Then we fucking loaded them up And then that whole analytics shit That taking guys out That are doing a good job I don't fucking understand I mean analytics In those situations

Sometimes I swear to God It's like baseball's version Of the fucking prevent defense Like I am sure on paper This fucking makes sense But you know Stop watching the fucking pitch count What is this guy doing

To the opposite team right now He's fucking killing him buddy He's up to 27 pitches And the juxtaposition To his ball and socket joint Fucking shoulder to his jugular We need to take him out During the 28th and a half fucking pitch

They're doing that shit So anyways We ended up coming back I think we won We were winning the game Like nine to four And then Kimbrell comes in You know how he closes the game

He lets up a home run And a fucking double You know I know he's coming off injury God bless the guy Whatever He's scared the fucking shit out of me And we won the game

And then it was great I got to walk out of the stadium I didn't have any problem I shook the guy's hand behind me And you know I saw a bunch of people Wearing red socks shit there I guess what

I'm just too old to do it And my favorite fucking part About going to an opposing team's stadium Rooting for the other team Is when I'm not wearing my own gear And I go into the bathroom And I don't have to worry That five guys are going to push me in the back

When I go to take a fucking piss You know what I mean Because their team's losing And the fucking bathroom With all of that porcelain All of that tile And none of that None of the fucking security

And there's urine on the floor It's just the fucking worst And that's That's where it goes down And to just be able to walk in there And just not have a fucking problem I wasn't being a dick When the red socks were scoring runs

I was definitely cheering But I did it in a respectful way I didn't do that shit I always see that When I'm watching games You know, any game Any game I watch And I'll see the opposing team score

When they cut to the crowd You'll always see one douchebag Not only standing up wearing Fucking everything You could possibly be wearing For the other team He's turning around Facing the crowd

You know, like he's fucking You know, Steven Segal And marked for death And he's going to beat up A whole fucking section There was some fucking fat-bloated Drunk jackass And every time I see it

I always just think like Somebody should beat the fuck out of that guy Somebody shouldn't But, you know You never watch the Discovery Channel You don't know how nature works Like he had just no fucking I don't know what

No respect for like your own well-being Like why the fuck would you do that? So anyways, that's just Not how I did it So then I got home And it was late at night And we were just sitting there Like can you fucking believe this shit?

It was like we were down four to nothing And I wasn't even nervous Because I was thinking Even if the Dodgers tie this series up We're still going to win it Like that's how much to psychology And I'm talking about the fucking Boston Red Sox I never thought I would have this feeling about it

But I just knew these guys were going to come back I didn't think it was going to happen in that game And we won that game And I just couldn't fucking believe it And I didn't talk one ounce of fucking shit None of that stuff I just you know I wanted my team to win

They won, that was good enough for me I don't need to fucking start walking around Being a cunt about it But like that's really It just really is just sort of part of the Sports culture And what's funny is Is how people don't see that their own fans

Of their team do it too Like I know when the Red Sox Were playing New York, New York For whatever stupid fucking reason In the locker room after we won it There was all these Yankee fans going Oh real classy I can tell you this

When the Yankees win Last thing we'll be doing Is thinking about the Red Sox It's like yeah you will be Yes you will be Because you took the time to go on Twitter To fucking comment on that You took the time to find out about it

You were obviously in the Red Sox Threads to see it You know And then they all real classy Boston like And just like You're really forgetting that your fan base Threw a beer in the face of our reliever As he came out of the bullpen

You're gonna forget you chanted 1918 At fucking old ladies If they had a Red Sox hat on For the better part of a fucking century Come on, grow the fuck up It's not something I would do I think it's dumb to do that Because it just

You know Gives the other team more incentive Or whatever But personally speaking All I give a shit about Is my team And like now The big thing is

I'd love to see the Red Sox win it again So then we would be in double digits In champions Championships In two different professional sports Basketball And baseball And I think we would be the first city

That ever did that Not to mention Here's another stat If you're into fucking stats I also believe that the Red Sox Are the first professional sports franchise To win a championship This same year

In two different centuries Huh? Am I going fucking billy ball on you here? A little nerd enough for you And lastly but not leastly I can't remember because I had to start this podcast again Because my record was filled up If I didn't, I don't give a shit

I'll apologize too again My apologies To David Price Jesus Christ I could not have been more wrong And there's going to be a bunch of people out there Being like, dude, I fucking said it I knew it

I never doubted that guy You're full of shit Maybe you're not But I did I 100% thought I actually thought we weren't going to win it And the problem was going to be That David Price was a head case

Couldn't beat the Yankees Couldn't win the big game Couldn't win fucking October I 100% thought that And I was like, you know You need the one-two punch You need You know

You need Two Monsters Shut it down Pitchers To win a seven-game series now That's how it is With all the free agents

Seemingly piling on six different teams And I was 100% wrong I actually thought You know, Price should have been the MVP Considering all of that fucking chatter That was in his ear And considering, you know He won both his starts

He came in during the pitch relief And eat up some innings And he just crushed it And couldn't be more happy for that guy And couldn't be more happy That I was 100% wrong 100% wrong And I loved his press conference afterwards

When he was going, you know You guys had that card on me And you played it You played it well But you don't have it anymore He goes, I have the Trump card And it feels great And I just wish one of those sports writers

In there, you know They never fucking own up When they're fucking wrong, you know Or at least not enough Trump should have been like Hey, David, how good does it feel To stare at all of us Who fucking doubted you

And wrote all that bad shit about you Myself included You know, why don't they ever say that, you know So anyways I don't know But getting back to that stuff I would not have played New York, New York I would not have, like why would you do that

You fucking kicked the Yankees ass You know You gotta be above that shit I guess there's always that stuff You go to a Rangers game And the Rangers still chant Pot Van Sucks I go to an Avalanche game

But da da da da da Red Wigs suck You just have your fucking rival And I guess I understand it Because Yankee fans were such cunts For so goddamn long I guess I understand it But I'm always

I always think it's way better To score the touchdown And just hand the ball to the ref You do some stupid dance All it does is fucking Make the guy covering you I don't know Just wanna fucking play that much harder

If you just do it like it wasn't shit I just feel like it's just way more defeating But what do I know, you know When was the last time, Bill, you played a game In fucking gym class I'm trying to think the last time I played Other than hockey I haven't played hockey in three years

So I hurt my back and then I had a kid So my hockey stuff has just been sitting there Every time I walk by it's like I remember it's September of 2015 I haven't skated in three fucking years Pathetic But anyways So congratulations to the Red Sox

Congratulations to the Dodgers, man I know it's fucking brutal But it will be all the more sweeter When you finally push through And, you know, getting past all this fan shit Like I really do like All of those organizations that we played Including the fucking Yankees

I mean, you can't get mad the most successful You know, you can't be a fan of sports And not respect what the fuck they've done And with that, that's it I'm done talking about it The Patriots got the bills tonight Hey, did Lewis Hamilton wrap it up yesterday? I imagine he's always on the podium

I think all he needed to do was just get into Like fourth or fifth place And he would have had it wrapped up Let's see, Lewis, Hamilton Oh, by the way, thank you to everybody That came out to... Why does it always go to... How come it always goes to Wikipedia?

Is that because I always go to Wikipedia? Wouldn't it already be up there? Wins, 71s... Where's the championships? Yep, he just won it 2018, he won it again Congratulations Congratulations

So Lewis Hamilton wins the F1 championship And Marc Marquez won the MotoGP race And I want to thank everybody that has helped me along As I've gotten into both of those sports And I'm absolutely obsessed with them Although, like I said, with the kiddo I don't have as much time to watch them the way I want to But they are on my DVR...

What was it? Was it Brazil? Oh, it was Mexico That's one of my favorite races Where they drive through the old baseball stadium I might go to that one next year Who knows, who knows All I know is it's Halloween this week and I'm in town And we're having this little kid Halloween party

You know, nightclubs are like 21 and older I think this is like... It's like 18 months and under So it's going to be a bunch of little kids running around It's going to be hilarious My wife is like totally decked out the house and everything Oh, by the way, when I came home after the game She was still upset with me

And I didn't know that she was still up So we were outside smoking cigars and shit And she texted me She's like, where are you? I'm like up downstairs at the back porch And she got all fucking mad at me Like she wasn't invited So I went upstairs and I got to tell you

She was so trying to have a fight with me And I just wouldn't have a fight It was like, listen, I don't want to fight with you Just tell me what the problem is I love you, you're awesome I love you, you love me We're not going anywhere I don't want to go to bed angry at you

What did I do that upset you? And like, how can we work this out And just, you know, stop yelling at each other I don't want to yell at you She says, I don't care She had to go through that You know, for once she was being the baby You know?

So that's my new thing I'm just, I don't know what happened Somewhere in that Dodger game I want to thank that guy who was standing behind me The absurdity of it It just finally hit me It's just like, I'm not fucking doing this I'm just not doing this anymore

Jesus Christ I just saw a fucking letter for this week I'm copying and pasting it right now It just said, girlfriend wants to bang my brother Now that's just, I refuse to believe that that's a true thing Whatever, I'll read that in a minute here I got to do the advertising That's probably not a good thing to tease

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Oh yeah, that's the worst I didn't see any of our clinching Red Sox game yet Because I had to go to a wedding And we had the after party for season 3 Of efforts for family We had a great time We actually went bowling So I kind of had to do double duty last night

So I was watching that whole thing on my phone But anyways, I love going to weddings now Now that I'm married and I have a kid It's like all the pressure is over I did it, okay? Committed to somebody, I procreated You know, fuck off I imagine it's the same feeling

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Oh, look who's here, what do we got? Three more, let's break this up Let's read some fucking questions here Let's read some questions here Then when I get off this thing I gotta go do the honey-do list And you know what, I'm gonna do it with everybody I'm gonna do it with a fucking smile on my face

And I'm not gonna... Yeah, I'm done, dude I'm done fighting I'm just gonna keep saying it out loud So I make it a real thing I'm done with it What is the fucking problem? What I really need to say is, I'm sorry

What is the problem? But the only place I've graduated to right now Is what is the fucking problem? Alright, if I can take the fuck out of there Get some of the angry tone out of my voice I think I'll be doing even better Alright? Granted, I'll probably run out of material

But that's beside the point Speaking of material If you guys here at a Patreon Patreon announcement here Why? By popular demand People have been asking for more content Where they can donate, etc.

Alright Why? What? And all of this shit? Alright, I have a new... I'm gonna have a... I'm launching a Patreon page It's gonna go live on November 5th Alright?

And this is what you're gonna be getting All this extra content Alright, Patreon spell P-A-T-R-E-O-N You're gonna get two episodes Of the uninformed podcast With me and old Joey Roses I'm bringing it back

You get extra video content City tour... City tours Backstage footage Helicopter rides Whatever the fuck I'm doing How much is it? It's five bucks a month

Jesus Christ Lay off on a couple of fucking cartons of eggs And you got yourself all this other content Alright, November's content We'll go live November 5th I have a... I've videoed a podcast

It's a live podcast from Phoenix That was a good podcast too Full video of the show As well as downloads to MP3 Two episodes of uninformed And I'm gonna be doing A bunch of other fucking... You know, behind the scenes shit

At my shows and all that type of stuff You know what's funny? They say that I have a Patreon page And they don't even tell me I guess you go to Patreon And you just try to look up my name Whatever, I'll keep promoting I'll promote it again

Speaking of which Please watch on... What is it? This week, November 3rd Paul Verzi's stand-up special On Comedy Central Is coming out And it was done by my...

My company that I started With Al Madrigal All Things Comedy This is our first special That is coming out We're very excited And it would be huge This Thursday night

If you guys could... Is that what it is? No, no, no It's not Thursday night Looking at the wrong thing Sunday night Sunday Sunday No, that's the wrong one too

Why is it in May? I swear to God Don't even listen to me Here we go I'm sorry This Saturday night November 3rd Paul Verzi's stand-up special

On Comedy Central I think it comes on at midnight Yeah, I'm just really proud of them This is just one of these guys Who should have got a special Time ago And did not And with the company

That I started with Al Madrigal Al Madrigal Being the driving force behind it We're able to get ourselves In a position We actually made a deal With Comedy Central

And we're producing Four one-hour specials For them For the next year This is the first one And we're going to be picking All these comics that we love And so please check that out

If you can Alright, let's read Let's read a little Question here Corvette Hey, Billy Beanball bag Need advice on a car I would love to purchase next year

I'm looking to try Trying to get A C7 Corvette The latest model Corvettes A C7 Oh, okay Or is that the body type? Oh, what do you know?

Look at that I can't fucking hear myself What just happened? Gravity happened I got to sit there And literally hold this thing I literally have my thumb down On the connection here

Like one of those bad action movies Where the guy comes walking And going, if I take my thumb off this pin We all go up I got to do that For the rest of the podcast, evidently So anyways So I imagine that's

Fucking cunt Fucking piece of shit Jesus Fucking Christville Go to a radio shack And just buy what the fucking need Instead of dealing with this every week Fucking moron

Hey, you know what? I'm also done getting mad At inanimate objects Joda Rose had a great bit about that And I remember listening to it going You know what? I really should learn how to do that And I haven't

And as far as I can tell He hasn't learned how to not do it either Anyways, it's the latest model Corvettes I'm currently 23 years old Married to an absolute fucking gem Have a house with her And pay for everything we want Slash half

Dude, you're fucking killing it Not trying to pat myself On the back But I'm happy with where I am in life Anyways, do you think it would be good A dumb idea to get a Corvette next year? And I'm going to be a little bitch And get an automatic

I want to be able to have my mom drive it Since that's her dream car Otherwise I would just get a manual Anyways, don't go fuck yourself And keep on keeping on Dude, you know, you're married to a gem And you're living within your means If you can afford to get a Corvette

Get a Corvette You know, here's the deal If they make it in a stick still It seems like everything is just a paddle shifting If you still can get it in a stick It may be a great way to teach your mom how to drive a stick She grinds the gears on your brand new Corvette Probably a dumb idea

Sounded good in my head until I fucking said that Although I tell you one of the big things In the future that I want to do with my daughters I want to teach her how to drive my truck Which is three on the column How badass will that be? That someone born in 2017 Will know how to drive a 1968 Ford F100

And she's a lady Yeah, my kid's going to be a badass She's going to know how to do shit She's not going to be one of these fucking pretty girls Sitting at the bar like I'm just going to pretend I don't know things Anyways, yeah, I think that's a great idea You know, she seems like you're kind of also doing it for your mom

Which is a great thing I don't know, when people are like car people It really means a lot When they get the one that they've always wanted I bought a car I bought the car my wife wanted And I saw the look on her face So I can imagine

And that's the woman that I married So I know what that feeling is like I can't imagine if you get it for your mom And you're able to pay her back like that Yeah, absolutely, I would fucking do that Why don't you go Buy a shit box in the meantime That's a stick

And go teach your mom how to drive a standard transmission Be great together time You'll laugh your asses off And And that's great for somebody who's older To learn something new There's a lot of options here, man They're all good

Glad your life is in that place That email actually made me happy Believe it or not Somebody killing it like that See that? I got a good hat Alright, girlfriend wants to bang my brother Ah, I teased this earlier in the podcast Girlfriend wants to bang my brother

My brother Jesus Christ I would love to hear Joel Olstein read this fucking thing I mean, Jesus wants your girlfriend to bang your brother Hey, Bill, I'm sure this happens This has happened to you before Is that a long, roundabout way of saying That I'm not a good looking guy

But how should I handle my girlfriend Wanting to bang my brother more than me Thoughts? She said it three times in one night What? Why are you still in this relationship? Would you still be in the relationship If you said that about our sister? Hey, listen, sweetheart

Not to say you don't have a nice rack, but like I mean, you got to agree with me I mean, your sister's tits are ridiculous Do you know how bad I want to stick my dick Between the two of them, you know? What? What? What's so bad? You told me to be honest with you Anyway, she said it in one night

Three times in one night And that he is better looking, et cetera So she's either going to fuck him Or she's just trying to get under my skin I told her after the third time To go fuck him then And she tried to act like I was an asshole Yes, of course

Of course she did She just crossed the line And it's all I can think about Oh, dude, I got to tell you something right now Not only do you say that You fucking dump her Dude, for her to fucking say that to you Is so out of line

And that is just the tip of the fucking iceberg Of the mind games A fucking asshole like this is going to play with somebody All right, dump this person And this is the thing She's going to actually fucking respect you Obviously doesn't respect you enough That she's saying that shit to you

So if you fucking dump her What's going to actually make her want to do Is fuck you more And this is what you do This is the Jedi level When she wants to fuck you more after that You know what you do? You don't fuck her

Done Done It's over That's one of those things like You fucking jerk off You think I am That's basically what she's saying to you She thinks you're a fucking jerk off

And you have to show her that you're not I would dump her and then that is fucking it That is fucking it And when she fucking Does all of those women Manipulating things And fucking turns on the sex vibe and all that Dude, you fucking

Nothing You give her nothing That's it, I don't need to read the rest of this I will though If it was a friend of mine She thought was more attractive You should care She shouldn't be saying that dude

You don't fucking say that Let me ask you this Could you do any of this to her Could you say that one of her girlfriends is more attractive than her Three times in one night Anyways, he said But I hate the fact it's my bald-headed fuck of a brother What should I do

Anything I think about I get more angry Thanks And wear a hat next time I like you taking Your anger out on me Yeah dude, you're dating somebody That has crossed the line that you're not going to be able to get past

Okay, past Sorry, I really gotta save my voice dude I've been screaming and yelling every weekend Doing my act and been watching the Red Sox Through the playoffs so I apologize for my I think I'm going through puberty here Yeah dude, that is a no fucking Brainer

You know Just dump her and here's another thing Don't tell your older brother Or your younger brother, whoever your brother is Don't tell your brother why you dumped him Because one day he's going to get drunk And he's going to bring it up and then you know Like an asshole and then you guys are going to get into a fight

Okay, and it's all because Of this cunt Who is driving a wedge Into your family You're going to bring this person to your family tree Huh You're going to dump your fucking seed Into that? I don't think you are

Walk away Walk away and you know what dude You got off fucking easy If you dumped this woman right now You got off fucking easy Jesus Christ God bless the poor fucking Bastard that she's going to fucking marry

Right there Anyways Dear Hillbilly Bucktooth I'm in a bit of a pickle I'm 23 Lot of emails from 23 year olds this week Evidently 23 year olds I haven't had a little difficult fucking time yet

Dear Hillbilly Bucktooth I'm a bit of a I'm in a bit of a pickle I'm 23 and want to break up with my girlfriend Of two years We're long distance I'm a kiwi, she's a yank What's a kiwi again

Is that fucking New Zealand? I can't even keep up Anyways, now I got to look it up I don't want you guys to sound ignorant like me Here we go Kiwi people Wikipedia Once again

Kiwi is a nickname used Internationally For people from New Zealand As well as being Common self-reference Unlike many demographic It's usage is not considered offensive Rather it's generally viewed as a symbol of pride

And endearment For the people of New Zealand The name derives from the kiwi A native flightless bird Which is a national symbol of New Zealand It's a flightless bird Meaning you guys aren't leaving the island Is that what it is? Until the first world war

The kiwi represented the country and not the people However by 1917 New Zealanders were being called kiwis Soplanting other nicknames That's cool, it's great that eventually it didn't become offensive Usually after a while it does Are you saying that my dreams will never take flight? Anyways

I'm a kiwi and she's a yank Sure Blocker on Facebook I'm 23 and want to break up with my girlfriend Okay well you just sit down You just say listen we have to talk Alright this is something I wish somebody just told me

This is what you say you just sit down Say honey listen we have to talk Is something wrong and then you just say yes I'm just I'm not happy Okay I don't think you're a bad person Or anything but I'm just This just doesn't feel

Right You know It feels right in that I like you But it doesn't feel like I like you to the point that I'm going to marry you And then they just stop talking And then she'll start fucking crying

And blah blah blah And she's crying because she's sad And that is a normal emotion And you have to be comfortable with that And you just said it No did you say it yet? No I think we need to End this relationship

Not I think and we need to end this relationship That's it you said it I'm not happy I'm not feeling like you're the person I'm going to marry we need to end this relationship Boom boom boom We need to talk I'm not happy You just fucking that's it And you just get it all out

And it's going to be another two fucking hours But you don't waver you don't go back And then you're out That's it And then you Don't go back Anyways He says sure

Block her on Facebook And other social medias We used to correspond The problem is she has a lot of filthy Nudes of mine I've sent her over The past few years Needless to say I have my fair share Of hers alright well that's a stalemate then

I'm worried she'll distribute them Maliciously in revenge for breaking it off With her she's that kind of spiteful Trust me any advice Then hindsight thanks and go fuck yourself You're just going to have to man up and do it dude You know And if the world's going to see a dick for a couple days

Then so be it That's it That's it Alright and I'm actually happy for you Because who wants to be Who would want to marry A spiteful person

Because She would have done that to you If you stayed with her in other areas You're not happy get the fuck out of it And then your hindsight stops sending dick pics To people You know I don't know

That's how I believe that What are you fucking laying there like Burt Reynolds And playgirls if you weren't covering your junk I don't understand Women because they're beautiful I just don't Understand guys doing that You like these dickin balls Hanging off here

A Naked guy it's like It looks like it's like a design flaw You know Women are all curvy smooth And aerodynamic you know To the point other women can look at other naked women And be like oh my god she's beautiful

You know what I mean A naked guy You're fucking this shit hanging off I'm gonna put it up Dilemma Hey Bill I'm writing in as another female Listener going on six years now

Love you work and I'm hoping you can help me decide something Alright I love when the ladies write in I'm eighteen Just turned eighteen Alright she's legal And I've been working at an estate firm For three years look at you Good for you I don't know what that is

But that sounds impressive to me I'm a sophomore in college How are you only eighteen years old doing all this stuff You like advanced classes Most people who could play the cello when you were three I'm on a I'm a sophomore in college pursuing A criminal degree

Then going on to law school I've always wanted to be A criminal defense attorney Well it looks like you're gonna make that happen by the time you're like twenty one Anyways however The lady I work for Who runs the estate firm once To pass the firm to me

But I never intended to pursue A career in estate law My dilemma seems to be I can't decide whether I should accept this Overwhelmingly kind offer Of the estate firm ready For me when I graduate law school Or start from scratch at the bottom

In criminal law The estate firm would need some work But all in all is a successful business From listening to your story Of how you are a self made man Who would assume you would say pick criminal If that's what you've always wanted But who in their right mind turns down

A firm that's wrapped and ready With their name on it Looking forward to your insight You make rush hour drives bearable Thanks and kindly Go fuck yourself From another brood Jesus Christ is this like the coolest person

Ever she's eighteen she's crushing it Listen You're an amazingly Successful person for eighteen years Of age and I would look at it Like this estate firm it's just You know it's like when Columbus Was sailing across the ocean

Before he saw land it was a couple of tree branches So that's what's coming here You're seeing that your big things coming You definitely got do what the fuck you want to do I think you'll regret way more Not trying to be in The part of law that you wanted to be in Than walking away

From some money Because The money makes you Relaxed as far as you can pay your bills And shit like that But it doesn't do anything for Your soul or your heart You know what I mean your passions

Unless your passion is you love Fucking money Whatever the fuck that is I would definitely Just stay on the track that you're on And you know just tell the person I'm obviously ridiculously Flattered but you know

My dream since I've been little has been To be a criminal defense attorney That's the direction that's the part of law I want to be And I just know that I would have This regret While I ran your Estate firm and your estate firm Deserves somebody that

Has the same level of passion for State law as I do for criminal law And there you set it And the person's going to sit down They're going to start crying You know it's like There should be a course on how to break up with somebody And then also how to have confrontations

Like this Anywhere from the fat guy yet Behind you at a baseball game To somebody's offering you something That nobody would say no to But your heart is saying I can't do this And that's it What you have to learn is a young person

Is you have to learn This is one of the biggest Skills in life Is learning how to have Productive confrontation All right Where you express what you want And you get what you want

Or at the very least you stated what you want If you're not getting what you want you walk But you don't do it there's no name calling There's no raising of voices The person goes there You don't match their energy You just let them yell and stuff like that And you just stay calm

They should I don't know I'm sure somebody's doing that out there But they just don't do it enough And You know I turned a corner the other night With my wife Where I didn't Go to where her energy was

I understood why she was upset with me She was right you are right I didn't come home and ask you how you were doing You're right I apologize for that I'll work on that but I don't want to yell I love you That's it

I don't care if it's shit that you love me These just sound stupid Women fortunately enough are rational enough That you can kind of talk them down You know Where guys you know I don't want to deal with my emotions I go for a walk

You know I go for a walk I go out to my garage I play drums A couple of Pantera songs And I just lost myself in that And then I come back And I can just sit you know It's a little weird

That someone in the middle of a fucking discussion Has to go out and go play to some Van Halen And then come back before they can be But you know I have some growing up to do Whatever You know If you're doing all of this already This is not going to be the last opportunity

How much better would it be if you built your own firm You know I think that would be pretty badass Alright But do whatever you want to do But that's my feelings Withdrawals I've been listening to the podcast since the first episode This is my third day

Off of opiates Congratulations I've been on pain management Scheduled for the last five years Due to arthritis in my spine Eating painkiller after painkiller For the last five years Eventually I got to the point where I was starting to question

If I was addicted Or not every time I took a painkiller You kind of skipped a few words there But you're going through withdrawals The fact that you're actually able to sit down And fucking write an email is a victory in itself Asking myself if I still have it under control

I'm a single dad with a career I work long hours at night And I'm lucky enough to still be there To get my son from school every day I've never missed one of his games Or races But at the same time I've been taking these painkillers every day

It felt like carrying a demon on my back I'm only three days into being clean Still withdrawing Still can't sleep Skin is crawling All of the normal symptoms Stopped me from my daily responsibilities Dude, you're a fucking trooper

Nobody really knows that I'm growing through this I don't open up about things like this to people Well, that's what you need to do immediately He said, which is why I'm writing you I don't want anything in return Just wanted to vent this to someone I've been re-listening to the podcast To pass the time until these withdrawals are over

There's absolutely no chance That I'll ever go back to painkillers I feel miserable right now But it's the best feeling I've had Felt in a long time No more demon on my back You need to reach out to people Because it's okay to

Say that you need help And From what I've heard Getting off opiates Is as difficult as trying to kick heroin Which is also an opiate I'm glad I don't know a lot about drugs like that So

I just Definitely let people know what you're going through I'll leave it at that That's a heavy subject It's a tough guy Skin crawling He's still doing everything he needs to do for his family I'm not going back

That's an old school guy John Wayne shit Anyways He said doobie doobie Do I'm going to be on Jimmy Kimmel tonight Promoting the front runner Movie starring Hugh Jackman

It's the Gary Hatt story Directed by Jason Reitman I'm so psyched to be in this movie Truly is One of the great things I've been able to be a part of As far as being in an ensemble So check that out tonight

And Other than that I got to go buy a shirt to wear on Kimmel Because God knows you can't wear the same shirt On TV more than once Can't do that All you fucking assholes who make fun of me Who have ten shirts that are in there

That's your pitching staff That's your rotation Ten fucking shirts You're getting showbiz You're not allowed to do that You got to wear it once I always try to pick something that doesn't really stand out In color

You get any designs on it That's the shirt you wore on Kimmel Yeah it is, now wear it again What was I supposed to throw it out You wasteful cunt Anyway, so I have to do that And I'm also going to be I always make pumpkin bread

During Between What is it, Halloween and Thanksgiving Thanksgiving I start busting out the pies I make my fucking stuffing This year because I'm going to be in town I can't wait, very excited And I think my daughter is still one year away

From maybe going trick-or-treating I don't know, I'll have to ask My wife about that But that's it, go patriots Congratulations to Lewis Hamilton Mack Mack has the Boston Red Sox And Yeah that's it, what a great fucking week

For me as a sports fan And I'm not rubbing it in either I hope the Dodgers win it again next year If we don't, how's that That's the nicest thing I can say Alright Okay that's it, go fuck yourselves Enjoy the next couple of days

Please watch Paul Verzi's special November 3rd on Comedy Central One of my best friends in the world And I'm so proud of him He's got a great great great special That he did with the All Things Comedy Network I'll check in on you on Thursday Cook me with your Mike de Leise app

From now on, it's for recipes that are easy And easy to buy For those of you who don't like something else Or who like classics Oh yeah, like spaghetti bolognese With delicious veal Download the Mike de Leise app And cook me